#this will be the longest thing ive ever posted

[derangedthoughtssideblog]

thought about enjolras for 2 minutes. now i'm deeply unwell

[plutoslvr]

Okay so in my last Kevin post, I mentioned I have analysis' on how Kevin isn't a coward and how his trauma still affects him and you guys wanted to read it so here!

Why Kevin Day Isn’t a Coward: 

Essentially this comes down to 3 specific points in the fandom and even in the books since people are very adamant about the whole coward thing. The two things that people (in book and fandom-wise) use to argue that Kevin is a coward are: 

Kevin is still afraid/ doesn’t stand up to Riko 

That he left Jean behind in the nest.

Starting off with the first point. Kevin is still afraid and doesn’t stand up to Riko for the majority of the books. Firstly, we need to understand that Kevin has been abused from an extremely young age in the Nest and was conditioned into thinking that kind of behaviour was normal. And by that I mean specifically Riko’s abuse but before that, it was Coach Moriyama that abused both of them. 

He was stuck in the Nest for over a decade where his only role was “property” the entire time. That was all he would ever be to them and additionally to that, he wasn’t even allowed to be better than Riko. His entire life from the very start has been about exy but it was only after his mothers death where it became life or death. 

During tfc when Neil finds out how Kevin’s hand really broke Wymack says “But the day Kevin stops playing forever is the day he dies. He has nothing else. He wasn't raised to have anything else. Do you understand? We cannot lose to the Ravens this year. Kevin won't survive it."

He wasn’t raised to have anything else, exy is quite literally his everything, and without it, he has nothing and nobody. In this same scene, Wymack says, “Kevin doesn't talk about his time at Evermore, but I could tell it wasn't the first time Riko or Moriyama laid a hand on him. It was just the first time Kevin was smart enough to pack his bags and walk away.”

We never find out in detail what exactly happened to Kevin in the Nest but in TRK when Neil goes there we can see how deluded and obsessed Riko is with Kevin.

Neil moved up alongside him and regretted it almost immediately. Postcards of faraway cities both foreign and domestic were taped to the walls. Beneath each one were scraps of paper. Kevin's now-familiar scrawl listed dates and explanations for the travels. Most of them were games. Some indicated photo shoots and interviews. Books lined the shelves built into the headboard and Neil knew from skimming the spines they were Kevin's. Kevin was majoring in history for reasons Neil couldn't understand; these dry titles were the sorts of things he would find fascinating. It gave Neil chills to see his space preserved like this. It was like Kevin had gone out on an errand, not that he'd transferred to another team entirely.

Riko is so sure that Kevin is going to come back to him because he’s instituted such fear into him, he doesn’t think Kevin has the strength to stand up to him. Which he does, but people don’t seem to realise you can’t undo over a decade's worth of trauma overnight. 

Anyway, during Neil’s time in the Nest, he’s treated very similarly to how Kevin would be considering he was in his place but also not as harsh because they had to send Neil back to the Foxes inevitably.

"I am going to love hurting you," Riko said, "like I loved hurting Kevin."

What follows this is Riko tying Neil down and torturing him with a switchblade. By the time Neil leaves the Nest he doesn’t remember anything from the experience- he was so traumatised by it that he doesn’t remember it at all. (It also kinda sucks how Neil gets more sympathy for being in the nest for 2 weeks than Kev did for being there for over a decade.)

Putting this into perspective, Kevin went through that for so much longer and doesn’t get nearly enough of the same sympathy Neil did. Neil returned and Kevin got punched for letting him go even though he tried persuading Neil not to. Kevin has always had Neil’s best interest at heart. 

Kevin shook his head and bulled on when Neil started to argue. "The master wants to salvage you. He's going to sign you to the Raven lineup in spring. So long as you keep quiet and keep your head down he won't tell the main family he's found you." "I'm not a Raven," Neil said. "I never will be." "Then run," Kevin insisted, low and frantic. "It's the only way you'll survive."

Kevin was willing to sacrifice the only chance he had to prove his autonomy to the Moriyamas if it meant Neil would be safe. Without Neil, they wouldn’t have enough players to qualify and they wouldn’t be able to play at all. (Again: “But the day Kevin stops playing forever is the day he dies. He has nothing else. He wasn't raised to have anything else. Do you understand? We cannot lose to the Ravens this year. Kevin won't survive it.")

Not to mention the whole “Kevin was silent for an endless minute, then said, "You should be Court." It was barely a whisper, but it cut Neil to the bone. It was a resentful goodbye to the bright future Kevin had wanted for Neil. Kevin recruited Neil because he believed in Neil's potential. He brought him to the Foxes intending to make a star athlete out of him. Despite his condescending attitude and his dismissals of Neil's best efforts Kevin honestly expected Neil to make the national team after graduation.

And even after that, he promised to teach Neil, because at the end of the day, Neil was still Neil and he never gave up on him once.

And Neil understood that being on the run for 8 years was more preferable to the Nest. 

“But all Neil had to do was look at Kevin to know he would have hated that life 

too.”

Sorry I kinda went off track there anyway we can also see how much Riko’s presence still affects Kevin especially in scenes like the Kathy Ferdinand show. 

“Any animosity Neil felt toward Kevin for forcing him onto this show evaporated. He couldn't be angry when Riko was here, not when Riko was to Kevin what Neil's father was to him. Petty anger had nothing on this full-fledged terror.”

Obviously, we all know what a dickhead Neil’s dad was to him so Neil comparing the fear of his father being similar to Kevin’s fear of Riko is so important because it just puts into perspective how afraid Kevin is here face-to-face with his abuser the first time since said abuser permanently disabled him.

But what I don’t think is that Kevin has been standing upto Riko since the start because right after this when they were backstage, Kevin physically stopped Riko from hurting Neil even if it meant getting hurt by Riko again.

A black look twisted Riko's expression into something ugly and unrecognizable. He reached for Neil, but Kevin caught his arm to stop him. Riko slammed his elbow back into Kevin's face without missing a beat.

This scene is probably the best to describe how downright afraid Kevin is of Riko but there are others when Kevin has multiple panic attacks at just the thought of Riko or being in the same vicinity as him and rightfully so! Riko abused him, manipulated him and then took away the only thing he had. And Kevin was just forced to think this was okay. 

And a lot of characters and fans see his fear as cowardice instead of a normal trauma response. This is also because Neil tends to speak out more against Riko than Kevin (You know I get it…) but unlike Neil, Kevin has had direct repercussions towards him for the “mistake” of talking back to Riko which of course makes him hesitant. 

He knows the Moriyamas could drag him back at any moment and he's terrified of that happening.

Which leads to the second bit of “Kevin doesn’t stand up to Riko.” when many times, he has.

The most prominent example is in TRK, just after the foxes lost their first match to the ravens.

“You have fallen so far, Kevin. You should have stayed down and saved us the trouble of forcing you back to your knees." "I'm satisfied," Kevin said. It was the last response any of the Foxes expected from him. They forgot about Riko in favor of gaping at Kevin. "Not with their score or performance, but with their spirit. I was right. There's more than enough here for me to work with."

Kevin chose the foxes over the ravens- over Riko. He doesn’t allow their loss to become something Riko can use against him but instead something to affirm his current standing with them. This is also the first game Andrew played without his meds meaning he’s crashed by the end of it.

Kevin distracted the Ravens from Andrew's unsteadiness by facing them.

Kevin willingly turned to talk to his ex-abuser and his team if it meant Andrew wouldn’t be under fire. Most people only see Kevin and Andrew as Andrew protecting Kevin but Kevin protected Andrew just as much.

And of course we have the whole tattoo removal and the last exy match against the foxes but I need everyone to understand that those are so so so important. Kevin spent the entire series save the last quarter of the last book viewing himself as Riko’s property. Riko refers to him as such and even without Riko near him, his control is still strong over Kevin.

So Kevin removing his tattoo and replacing it with something with a higher hierarchical structure than Riko’s status as king is so detrimental, it’s a turning point for him because he’s viewing himself as his own person now. And Kevin scoring the winning goal brings us full circle because the last time he did that with Riko, he ended up disabled and shunned.

This brings me to my second point about Kevin running away from the nest. Alot of people see Kevin escpaing from the nest and leaving behind Jean as an act of cowardice. This bit gets a bit complicated because in no way shape or form am I trying to compare trauma’s or anything like that.

But to continue on. The ravens had a very strict policy that we got to see during Neil's experience one of which being that no matter how injured they were, they were still expected to show up to practice. The more mistakes they made the more punishment they'd find themselves in. Not showing was practically a death wish.

Now Kevin having his hand fucking broken would mean thay either he doesn't practise and get punished or practise with his fucked up hand and further damage it. If he stayed I wholeheartedly believe he would've died.

He ran away to save his life and that will never be cowardice not once. He didn't go to Wymack immediately when he found out because he knew what kind of target he'd paint on Wymacks back.

"He was trying to protect him," Neil said. "If Coach knew Kevin was his son, he'd have tried to take him from Edgar Allan." Nicky grimaced. "They'd have never let Kevin go." 

He only left when he had no other option. He had nothing left, the one thing he did have was taken away from him, he had no purpose and for once Riko didn't care enough about him to pay attention. And he used that to run.

Leaving Jean behind was something he always regretted, but it was a game of survival. Jean was a gift to the Moriyamas, he was also property to them and couldn't leave. And if the roles were reversed I strongly believe Jean would've done the same thing.

Also Kevin finds a place for him layer with the trojans because he knew that being a fox wouldn't be good for him.

"He isn't safe with us," Kevin said. "I won't give him false hope."

Staying in the nest would've been suicide for Kevin. He's one of the biggest victims in the series but nobody talks about it enough I fear and there's so much to learn about him via context clues etc.

And the saddest thing in my opinion is that Kevin knew was it was like to be loved, he was raised by his mother for a few years before going to the Moriyamas. 

ANYWAY to conclude, I suck at essays and I hope I've worded everything well and what I'm trying to say gets across. Kevin is not a coward, never has been a coward and never will be. He's survived through such a damaging and abusive environment only to get moved to a separate environment where everyone just ridicules his defense tactics and he has no real sense of support. 

His reasons for what he does always stems from the fact the he doesn't want to go back to being under Riko and Coach Moriyamas "care" and that he's afraid. And most of the time it's things he can't shake from the nest.

Like when he pushes the foxes its so they're always at their best and so none of them get hurt or punished for mistakes. He pushed himself the hardest because he doesn't want to directly affect his teammates. 

Or the celebrity persona he was forced to develop.

Or how he makes sure everyone is staying healthy and that they don't force themselves to play when sick or injured because he knows what it's like to be forced to play like that day after day. 

AND IVE GONE OFF COURSE AGAIN yeah I kinda mashed together both analysis' of how Kevin's trauma from the nest affects him and how he's not a coward into one thing AND THIS IS SUPER LONG so if ur still here thank you very much for reading I really hope this makes sense

[sage-is-in-fact-very-tired]

anyway . for you all :]

hope you enjoy, because I kick my feet so hard about them

[atomicpirateperson]

so I realized that around this time of the year is already past my 1 year anniversary of being hyperfixated on Rob?? time flies

this is the timeline of how it happened according to some vague memories:

1. i happen to see some random video of The Rerun on like, YouTube I think

2. me: hmm i think that one eyed guy is giving some real gender envy– wait. oh no. its happening. he's the new Chosen One, isn't he

3. im not hyperfixated im not hyperfixated im not–

4. I AM SO FUCKING HYPERFIXATED I LOVE ROB FROM TAWOG HE MEANS EVERYTHING TO ME!!!!!!

5. rob is a major part of my life and my headspace now. i couldn't stop if I tried, because some part of my brain views him as an actual close friend, and therefore abandoning this hyperfixation would feel extremely cruel. i would never do that to him and therefore he will be my imaginary bestie/adoptive son forever. i will never grow out of it. i am perfectly okay with that

[localcryptic]

WIP Wthursday WOOOOO!!

as tagged by @trebuchet151 and @westealtoys, thank you!!!

i've been so busy with school which, at the very least, means i have lots of wips! it also means i don't have time to finish anything but shhhh

today i have for youuu... gasp. writing??? that's right. Pre-Heartbreak Chargestep Fic In Progress. it was meant to be a short little snippet and instead i've written just under 3000 words before getting to the goddamn point. so enjoy a little slice of that!

and just for fun have some sketches as well :3 some completely unrelated ripley/ricardo chargestep art, aaaand Lilith and Quinn, who are Judas' and Al's puppets that are totally just girlbestfriends... mhm nothing more going on there (Lilith/Judas belongs to @b33tlejules :3)

i taaag @typhros, @autumnfangirler @crowshuh and @aurriearts :3

[forthevibe-w]

as usual with me, we have to take it slow the first time that i peg her.

despite her usual docility, she guides my strap to her hole. i'm sure she'd prefer if i did it, but i need help for the first time.

so she positions herself, then slowly lowers herself onto my strap. and she moans so loud, undoing herself before me, fucking herself on my dick. i will just watch with fascination, figuring out how to replicate what she likes. if she sounds so pretty now, i wonder what she'll sound like when i do it.

after a few moments, i will stop her. i'll grab her neck, or her hair, or even her waist, and tell her to stop. i'll remove myself from her hole, and flip us around, and pin her to the bed. i'll kiss her pretty lips and wait her her to beg for more. she's so desperate at this point, i doubt it'll take long, but i won't rush. i will touch her softly and bite her hard until i hear her ask for me to fuck her. if she rushes, i'll curl my lips into a smile, and whisper "be patient," until i'm ready.

this time, i'll fuck her myself. i will position myself over her aching hole and listen. when she begs, having tasted my strap but not truly been fucked by me, i will give her more than a taste. she said she likes it rough, so rough i will be. i'll slam into her with brute, unpracticed thrusts. i don't know how to be gentle, and would i even want to be? seeing her, i always want to take. this time, seeing her pleading beneath me, i want to fuck her at my will. i watched her do it, i know how she likes it, so this time, i'm letting her lie back and i am fucking her.

i'll watch her squirm beneath me, those huge eyes rolled back, helpless and consumed with pleasure. i'll listen to her pathetic noises moaned in sync with my rhythm, watching her hands go above her head without my action. i'll watch her become overwhelmed, crying, and incoherent. and then i'll watch her cum harder than she has in a long time.

and after she finishes, i want to hold her tight. i want to take her in my arms, and kiss her forehead, and make sure it wasn't too hard. i'll take off the strap and trace patterns into her skin while she comes down. i want to keep her there until the after tremors have faded and she's able to say more than "wow."

all this say, i want to fuck her, but we'll have to take it slow the first time. at least, slow at first. i'm sure i'll get used to it, but it'll take me a moment.

[foulfeast]

Ohhhh i now remember why i got shy about talking abt ocs

24/7 fear that someone will tell me my ideas are cliche/stupid/bad in some other and it will hurt more bc these are my own creations and not just fun and play

[ninja-knox-ur-sox-off]

99k

[unicornsaures]

ill forever adore going through my old sketchbooks because its like going through memories i never knew i had

[craqueluring]

lets talk about dracula

TLDR: in both hannibal and dracula, 'man' and 'monster' are uncomfortably similar. the repulsion that 'man' has in response to this grey area is a part of what compels them to attempt to separate themselves from the monster in some way. the only way they actually succeed at this is in complete annihilation of the monster. despite this, their attempts at separation only blur the lines even further between them as the 'men' act increasingly like 'monster' in order to separate them, which is an obvious contradiction. a large part of the horror of both dracula and hannibal is the fact that the line between monster and non-monster becomes blurred. this is not only in that the monsters, hannibal and dracula, look human, but also because the humans can act like the monster, can lose themselves in this, and, eventually, like will, can consciously Become the monster.

i have three main parts to this:

similarity between man and monster

consequent impulse of man to separate self from the monster. the only way to do this is annihilation of the monster

in the attempts at separation, man and monster become even more similar

prepare for a long post <3

1. similarity between man and monster

in both dracula and hannibal, the characters are able to recognize their humanity in the monster in some way. the monsters look human, physically, and can blend in with humans, but they are far enough from humanity to be termed 'monsters.' alana says to hannibal in 3x08:

“You've long been regarded by your peers in psychiatry as something entirely Other. For convenience, they term you a monster.”

and not only can the monsters imitate humans, but the humans can imitate monsters. 

johnathan harker, a main character in dracula, watches dracula disturbingly crawl down the castle wall, and asks “What manner of man is this, or what manner of creature is it in the semblance of a man?” effectively, he is asking 'is dracula a man that is insane, or is he something entirely other that just looks like a man?' in this harker is" [repulsed] by his recognition of humanity in Dracula’s appearance and animalistic behavior."

despite this repulsion, he mimics dracula in the very behavior he was repulsed by in his attempts to escape and explore the castle

"While Harker loathes the “vision of otherness in human shape,” at the same time it helps him to “briefly expand his awareness of his own potential elasticity,”...(Auerbach 89). Although Harker remains disgusted by Dracula’s ability to impersonate humanity while retaining animalistic mannerisms, he nevertheless imitates the vampire’s environmental adaptability and expands his own capabilities. The interchangeability between the two existing beings creates apprehension not only of Dracula’s ability to pass as human, but also, if not more so, of Harker’s identification with Dracula" (x)

this directly parallels will's ability to imagine himself as the killers he investigates. although will and harker are repulsed by the behaviors of the 'monster' in question, they nevertheless mimic it. i will expand on this later.

so, the monsters look human. the monsters can act human. the men can act like the monsters. this grey area makes the men very uncomfortable. 

2. consequent impulse of man to separate self from the monster. the only way to do this is annihilation of the monster

"This concept of [repulsive] recognition with an alien being underlines the entire novel, as Harker and the other male characters continue to reassert a form of difference between themselves and the vampire. Ultimately, their only way to clearly distinguish themselves from the abhorrent vampire is to annihilate Dracula completely" (x)

jack, alana, and will all continually attempt to stop hannibal by trying to imprison him, catch him, ignore him, etc. a large part of their motivation for this is either on the basis of morals and/or revenge, but i think a part of it could also be, like the characters in dracula, their trying to distinguish themselves from hannibal in reaction to such a repulsive monster being so close to humanity.

one of will's attempts to separate himself from hannibal in the face of this uncomfortable similarity/recognition with a monster is when he pulled a knife on hannibal in the uffizi gallery in 3x06 dolce. as chiyoh says in 3x05:

"If you don't kill him, you are afraid you will become him."

obviously will does not succeed. hannibal is imprisoned, but he is still not stopped. hannibal literally volunteers himself to be imprisoned to jack, which completely negates jack, alana, and will's goal of imprisoning hannibal as a way to separate themselves from hannibal. he is in the back of will's head for years: "[i am] where you always know where to find me," always tempting him to take a step towards Becoming. hannibal antagonizes alana in their talks, he is studied in the psychiatric journals. he is still there and he is still a monster that is uncomfortably similar to a man, or a man that is uncomfortably similar to a monster.

like in dracula, eventually, the only way jack, will, and alana can truly distinguish themselves from hannibal is by killing him. 

hannibal is not killing or doing harm in prison. they have him. he cannot do anything. unless he figures out some way to escape, he will never do anything harmful again. there is no real, pressing necessary reason to kill hannibal. and yet, will, jack, and alana plan to do just that in 3x13 TWOTL. a part of the reason i think they do this is because of the uncomfortable recognition of humanity in the monstrous human or humanoid monster that is hannibal. will, though, either no longer desires to be separated from hannibal or cannot be separated from hannibal, so he dies with hannibal.

in dracula, 

"The vampire hunters’ mission can be interpreted as a quest to eliminate the grey area where men and animals merge in a kind of monstrous coexistence." (x)

just as the characters in dracula feel compelled to separate themselves from dracula, jack, will, and alana feel compelled to separate themselves from hannibal. and, in both, the only way this happens is with the annihilation of dracula/hannibal. in hannibal, will is unable to separate himself from hannibal, so he is annihilated alongside hannibal.

semi-TLDR: okay, so it has been established that the line between man and monster is blurred by both. the monsters look human. the humans can mimic monsters. the humans hate this grey area and the similarities between them, and they want to separate themselves from the monster in some way. this is only achieved in complete annihilation of the monster

3. in the attempts at separation, man and monster become even more similar

despite men being repulsed by the grey area between them and monster, not only do they mimic the monsters, but in their attempts at separation, this imitation becomes more frequent and necessary, and the lines between them blur even further. so, while trying to distinguish themselves from the monster, they only become more similar.

in my opinion, the main way the characters in dracula distinguish themselves from him is actually not simply because they are not vampires. i think the main way the characters separate themselves from dracula is their christian religious values. after dracula attacks her, mina is cursed to become a vampire if she dies, and she is burned by the religious ritual they try to do to her. despite mina's almost-vampirism, she remains consciously religious, and is a decidedly 'good', and human, character. renfield is a human, and yet his worship of dracula rather than god contributes to his being closer to monster than man. so, religion, and therefore behavior, is the main way the characters in dracula separate themselves from dracula

as the characters try to distinguish themselves from dracula on the basis of their christian religion and religious behavior, and also non-animalistic behavior, in direct contradiction of this, they are forced to bend their religious beliefs and act in animalistic ways. 

as for simply behavior, harker imitates dracula in order to separate himself from dracula by mimicking him crawling down the castle wall (in "lizard fashion") while trying to escape. 

as for religion, mina is a big part of this. despite mina literally being burned by the sacred wafer, she is still accepted by the men, and her connection to dracula is the reason they are able to find dracula and kill him. in their attempts to separate themselves from dracula, the characters must accept an almost-vampire who was burned by a religious ritual as human and 'good' in order to annihilate something of the devil. the lines only become more blurred between man and monster as they attempt separation.

in hannibal, i feel the main way the characters distinguish themselves from hannibal is their dedication to law enforcement. the beginning of the show makes this separation very clear: hannibal is a criminal, and the other characters are working with the fbi. of course, they are also not serial killers or (willingly) cannibals, but this is all on the basis of their morals which align with and rest heavily on the law.

as jack, will, and alana attempt to separate themselves from hannibal (because hannibal is acting illegally and is a criminal, and they are acting legally and are law enforcement), they, in direct contradiction of this, must break the law, and bend their morals.

will is the first to attempt to separate himself from hannibal because he was the first one to realize what hannibal was. in prison, his lawfulness bends when he sends matthew brown to kill hannibal. he bends (and therefore blends with hannibal) even more while trying to 'maintain his cover' to catch hannibal when he kills and mutilates randall tier and willingly engages in cannibalism with hannibal. in will's attempts in season 2 to separate himself from hannibal, he only contradicts what once distinguished him from hannibal so clearly.

jack and alana aren't driven to do this until the end of season two when they realize what hannibal is. in their desperation, they directly disregard the law embodied by kade prurnell, and jack goes to kill hannibal himself in mizumono, completely extra-legally, and alana follows. 

will, jack, and alana trying to kill hannibal extra-legally rests almost completely on their personal feelings, and not directly the law like before. this is exactly what hannibal does: kill people who he thinks deserve to die. they do this as well. will, jack, and alana are forced to imitate hannibal in order to separate themselves from hannibal.

by season three, will, jack, and alana are have all contradicted the values (the law) that once so clearly separated them from hannibal. they are barely even associated with law enforcement anymore. 

recall the clearly-cut beginning of hannibal: law enforcement vs. serial killer. by season three, the line between them is not only blurred. it is barely even there.

alana works with mason verger, 'facilitating torture and death,' completely extra-legally. jack assaults hannibal and literally almost kills him in florence with his bare hands. not to mention alana and margot killing mason verger in digestivo because hannibal said he would take the blame for it. literally doing something hannibal would do. 

it is continually said that the main point of hannibal's murders and manipulations is theater. in 3x04, alana says

"You're preparing the theater of Hannibal's death. I'm just doing my part to get him to the stage"

alana is the one preparing the theater of death now. not just hannibal. again, becoming more like him as she tries to annihilate him.

in the wrath of the lamb, will, jack, and alana (again, completely extra-legally) plan to kill both the dragon and hannibal together. 

at this point, they are completely dissociated from what once so clearly separated them from hannibal. this is plainly communicated by the reoccurring sentiment that jack, alana, and will have died in some way after mizumono:

in primavera 3x02:

"You [Will] are already dead, aren't you?"

and in digestivo 3x07

"You're dead, Dr. Bloom"

"Oh, Mason. We all are. Didn't you know?"

i don't think i need to explain how this connects to vampirism, lol.

not only they are completely disconnected from what once made them 'human/alive', but, again, they are doing what hannibal, the monster, does. they are planning to murder people who they personally think deserve death, bending their morals to allow torture, murder, etc. in their minds, they think that this is justified because of hannibal's actions, and, honestly, most people would probably agree. (and there is a whole other conversation about vigilantism to be had concerning this) but fundamentally, hannibal does the exact same thing. except his bar for 'someone who deserves death' is a lot lower.

in their attempts to destroy hannibal, they only become more like him.

"Nonetheless, the violent destruction of the vampires proves that, when turned from prey to predators, humans can be just as monstrous as the creatures they are determined to extinguish. Reason gives way to instinct; and science to sheer superstition. Deprived of their usual resources to assess and repress the monstrous menace, the characters rely on their most primitive impulses to destroy it. But, as we all know, vampires never die." (x)

i think this exchange between alana and chilton in the wrath of the lamb perfectly encapsulates this:

"You were never comfortable in your own skin, Frederick. You wouldn't be comfortable in Hannibal's."

"Are you?"

[shastafirecracker]

THROWS MUG ON THE GROUND FLIPS THE TABLE AND THROWS THE TABLE AND COMPUTER OUT THE WINDOW

IT’S FINISHED MOTHERFUCKERRRRRR

[storynerd121]

it's not saturday anymore (at least for me) but i don't care and i hope you don't either...

(yes, i'm gonna ask you one for nearly each point, cause... that's like my personality...)

i'm not very original here, but i'm excited for your answers!!!

☆ fuck, marry, kill:

(really not original, but i wanna knowwwww)

james, sirius, remus?

regulus, evan, barty?

mary, dorcas, marlene? (and lily too?? ahhhh how can i add her???)

☆ top 3 of...

hmmm... i'm gonna do that differently: if you could only eat (don't worry about drinking) 3 things for the rest of your life, what would it be?

☆ are you a dog or a cat person?

☆ ahhhhhhhhhh i can't think of something for the next two... (okay, that's like half true i'm just too shy... sorry...)

☆ headcanons... that's a long answer probably? and this is so long already... but... tell me something if you want to? about anything? anddd one question: what do you think about ravenclaw barty?

☆ hmmmm... i don't really knowww... okay, this is weird maybe, but i think, you'd be awesome in a cartoon? that isn't even question-related... yeppp... i mean that in the nicest way possible btw!!! i think you're that mix of being sweet and cool that i associate with cartoon characters? okay... that's kinda dumb... my social anxiety/awkwardness is screaming at me... (what i mean is that i think you'd be awesome in a cartoon what leads to that maybe i'd ship you with a cartoon character? but i don't know enough about cartoon to give a character... i just kinda got that vibe...)

☆ my day was kinda boring... nothing special, but also very chilled...

how are you doing? how was your day? :)

byeeee

<33

hiiiii!! Thx for all the questions (im bored so this is perfect for rn. i honestly don't care if its not sat. anymore lol.) Anyways here's my answers.

☆ fuck, marry, kill:

kill james (im sorry my love 😭 i still adore u), fuck sirius (i may be ace but u get the point), and marry remus (bc we would be book lovers together).

kill barty (😭😭😭), fuck evan (bc why not), and marry regulus (he's just a bby thats in need of love). (bro it was so hard to choe between barty and evan omg. im still not sure lmao)

i'm gonna do fuck, slap, mary, kill for the girls bc i wanna add lily in. marry lily (ily queen), fuck dorcas, slap marlene, and kill mary (im gonna be honest here i dont rly know/read a lot abt them but i wanna read more good fics so recommendations r welcome)

☆ top 3:

Ok so if i could only eat 3 things for the rest of my life it'd probably be.... chocolate (bc i need it), chicken (bc i need protein and why not), and peas (my fav veggie). thats a hard question lol. i kinda just picked what i need for a balanced (ish) diet....

☆ dog or a cat person?

i love dogs, but im a cat person. (i also have 2 dogs and 1 cat. i love them all <3)

☆ headcanons… that's a long answer probably? and this is so long already… but… tell me something if you want to? about anything? anddd one question: what do you think about ravenclaw barty?

ooooo, ok. so ravenclaw barty (bc im starting with the question). I honestly like it. I feel like he's both sytherin and ravenclaw (like me) and i honestly like him in both houses. ig sytherin is a little better for him but honestly i still like him in both. idk why it just feels kinda right?? (and he still gets cute moments with evan in both houses so i cool with both lol)

hmmmm... a headcanon of mine..... i'm gonna stick to the marauders fandom bc why not. one of my fav headcanons is just soft reggie. like just for james. he's srsly so adorable and he loves to cuddle with his bf (even tho he's to embarrassed to ask at first so james just kinda pulls him into a hug/kiss every time he senses reg doesn't wanna ask and reg gets all flustered. he does get comfortable with it eventually tho). another one of my fav headcanons is abt wolfstar. I feel like siri is the one who stays with rem after every full and they just snuggle and enjoy each other. even before they get together (rem is so scared of ruining everything by confessing so he just holds it in bc he just loves siri so fucking much that it physically hurts him to even think of losing him.) anyways one day after the full they're chilling on rem's bed and siri just whispers i love you bc he needs to say it and they both just freeze. siri apologizes over and over and rem is just kinda stuck on the fact that siri actually said i love you?? to him?? and then he registers that sirius is crying so he just kisses him before he can think abt it. it ends well ofc. (i feel like these aren't rly headcanons and they're just little random stories but we're going with it for now lol)

☆ okay, this is weird maybe, but i think, you'd be awesome in a cartoon? that isn't even question-related… yeppp… i mean that in the nicest way possible btw!!! i think you're that mix of being sweet and cool that i associate with cartoon characters? okay… that's kinda dumb… my social anxiety/awkwardness is screaming at me… (what i mean is that i think you'd be awesome in a cartoon what leads to that maybe i'd ship you with a cartoon character? but i don't know enough about cartoon to give a character… i just kinda got that vibe…)

thank u!!! idk why but this is honestly rly sweet! cartoon characters r awesome so i absolutley love this thank u! u may have just made my day lol. (also the social akwardness is so relatable lmao) also a ship with a cartoon character? that sounds kinda interesting....lmk if u think of someone bc now im kinda curious lol. (i've never been in a relationship but im curious to see what cartoon vibes i give off and who u'd ship me with)

☆ my day was kinda boring… nothing special, but also very chilled…how are you doing? how was your day? :)

my day was pretty good actually! i hung out a friend's house (i haven't seen the friend in a while so it was cool to see them again) for a while so that was nice. although the misgendering was kinda annoying.... im doing meh. im rly anxious abt my upcoming presentation and also everything i've gotta do but i'm ok rn. how r u? ur day honestly sounds nice (i love lazy days so i may be biased lmao). I hope it was nice to have a relaxing-ish day tho.

thx so much for the ask btw!! ur sirius-ly awesome (ignore my marauders humor but i had to). <3

byeeeee!! <3

[whoa-where-did-the-pancakes-go]

Forgot to mention that I finished my ela project that was due in November. Finally. Its 8,334 words.

[itz-bug]

Saw blue beetle today !!!! And i am happy to say it was very good and fun :D definitely go see it if you can

Gonna talk about it lots under the cut! To be honest, this post is more for me to just record my own thoughts for myself, but you’re welcome to read if you’re looking for the movie opinions of a certified Blue Beetle Enthusiast, or if you’re desperate to feed on the Ted Kord crumbs the movie leaves for its viewers. (To be honest most of it is me talking about Ted sorry. hes my bbygirl)

- very minor spoiler warning -

First things first:

Jaime was so good!!!! His character was so sweet and earnest, and they aged him up to around 22 (he’s literally just graduated from college), which I think makes him a very unique superhero. He’s just returned from school as a first gen college student and feels like he’s finally in a position where he can provide for his family, only to realize he’s still totally unprepared for the real world.

Speaking of family, the Reyes family is the backbone of the film, and each of Jaime’s family members is given their time to shine. Another breath of fresh air for comic book movies! Not only does the hero have a family, but the family consists of fleshed-out characters who all bring different strengths to the group. I liked Milagro a lot specifically. Like Jaime, she’s also been aged up and is now probably 17-18. I thought she was written super well. She’s sarcastic and relaxed, and her relationship with Jaime is perfect sibling representation. Milagro is given a surprising amount of emotional moments, adding to her depth but also not taking away from any of Jaime’s development. Honestly, if you’re on the fence about going to see the movie, go see it just for the Reyes family dynamic. They’re seriously all great.

The other main supporting character is Jenny Kord, Ted Kord’s daughter. Jenny is smart and resilient, and I enjoyed her a lot, despite her bearing very little resemblance to Ted personality wise. I know why she exists: to push the plot and act as the link between the two blue beetles. She’s also Jaime’s love interest because of heteronormativity reasons. Still, I thought her character was done very well. Jenny is half brazilian and thankfully NOT Beatriz da Costa’s daughter. Her relationship with either of her parents isn’t explored much. Her (unnamed and presumably unimportant) mother died when she was young, and Ted disappeared off the face of the earth when she was only eight— I think. To be honest, the timeline confused me a little.

Anyways, Ted Kord is portrayed very interestingly in the movie. Not in a necessarily bad way, though. Ted makes zero physical appearances in the film outside of a single, vague painting of his likeness where he has a mustache and maybe a beard (wow!). That being said, his face is totally unremarkable and unrecognizable. Which is fine. I’d almost prefer them to keep him vague unless they give him a full-fledged appearance.

BUT, there is a scene where Jaime has to change clothes, and Jenny offers him some of Ted’s old clothing, and Jaime walks out in a bright blue windbreaker tracksuit. It’s totally 80s, totally silly, and totally Ted. The nod towards not only Ted’s outrage fashion sense but also his 80s dad vibe was very much appreciated.

There are lots of little moments in the film where Ted’s silliness seeps through. His lab is one example. Jaime describes Ted’s gadgets as “batman but if he had ADHD.” In the Bug, the computer has a female robotic voice that addresses him as “Teddy,” which Jaime’s uncle compliments as sexy. Ohhh the Bug. Easily one of my favorite parts of the film. It’s beautiful. It looks just like it’s comic book counterpart, with the little trapeze rope swing and everything. It also has a “beast mode,” where, when triggered, the Bug plays 80s rock and starts destroying everything around it. It’s also capable of poison gas farts. Perfect. Ted’s personality shines through everything he’s left behind, giving me hope for whatever might be in store for his character on the big screen.

The only reservations I have about Ted’s transition to film would he his relationships. His sister, Victoria, functions fine as a villain but isn’t anything special. She’s a capitalist. She’s evil. Like Jenny, lacks similarity to Ted himself. As for Ted’s dead wife (sad but also it’s hard to care), Jenny describes her mother as the one who “showed Ted the world was worth protecting,” which doesn’t sit quite right with me. For one, it seems weird to make a dead, non-comic-canon character so relevant to Ted’s superhero origin, and also, I think Ted deserves a little more credit than that. I’d like to think he’s always been a good guy, plain and simple. It also means Ted couldn’t have been a superhero for very long, which I think detracts from his coolness. I think Jenny even said Ted became blue beetle when she was a young girl, so it sounds like he couldn’t have been a hero for more than like 10 years? It just seems like a strange and unnecessary change to make. Then again, I realize most of the people watching the movie care very little about the second blue beetle, so I guess I can’t complain too much while knowing the intended audience.

That’s not gonna stop me from talking about boostle though!!!!! Unfortunately, Booster Gold is not so much as even hinted at in the movie, which I kind of get but still mostly hate. It just feels wrong to have a movie where Ted Kord’s career is one of the driving plot points and Booster is nowhere to be found. They are a package deal, DC!! I wasn’t even really expecting a verbal mention of him. Literally just a gold star somewhere in the lab, or a pair of yellow visors, or a blue and gold poster, or SOMETHING.

The life of a boostle fan is one of disappointment.

Still, the optimist in me is saying to hold onto hope. There’s a Booster Gold series in the works, so maybe DC is saving up for a totally reinvented blue and gold origin, or there’s some connection between the two that has yet to be discovered. Hopefully. Surely DC wouldn’t be stupid enough to overlook one of its most iconic duos? haha?

Okay. This post has run a lot longer than I thought it would. Ultimately, Blue Beetle is a very good movie that does the characters of Ted Kord and Jaime Reyes justice. It’s fun and silly but also heartfelt. Even though there’s a few minor things I’m hung up on (because I’m insane), Blue Beetle did a lot of things right, and I feel like this movie has been one of the best comic book adaptations yet. Here’s to hoping we see a live action Ted one day, and he doesn’t totally suck ass.

[katytheinspiredworkaholic]

WIP Wednesday

Subconscious (Steve’s Story)

Summary: Steddie Canon compliant/fix-it fic paired with a corresponding story in Eddie’s POV, each chapter happens in tandem with the other. No matter what he does, no matter who he is with or what is happening in the aftermath of their failed battle with Vecna – Steve Harrington can’t stop thinking about Eddie Munson. He’s even begun to see him in his dreams…

(companion to this Eddie Snippet)

((Unbeta'd snippet from Chapter 02. I wasn't going to do another entire dream sequence, but this shows the difference between the stories in comparison to Eddie's version of the same dream. So this is super duper long. Not sorry. Steve's had a Day™ so he's already in need to a dream that's not a nightmare. Luckily for him this one is just jam-packed with nostalgia. The only parts of the snippet that might not make sense are 1. Joyce Byer's bought back her house, hence the Byer's family dinners. It's covered in the first chapter. 2. There's a conversation with Robin in Steve's kitchen that takes place and is referenced a few times in Steve's inner musings. 3. There's also references to the first dream with Eddie, which I have Eddie's version in a snippet that can be found [here], but I haven't posted Steve's version as a preview yet. See tags for CW/TW.))

—

When Steve dreams, he’s usually driving.

Nightmares always begin as something else. Running, hiding, breathing so harshly his throat feels scraped raw. He feels bites, he feels punches, sharp instruments about to cut into his skin or pull his fingernails out one by one, he feels his body thrown against a wall, or something cold and flesh-like wrapped tight around his neck until he thinks he’s going to pass out. Nightmares are always full of the fear induced fleeing for his life, for the lives of the ones he cares about.

But in this dream he isn’t driving. And he isn’t running. He’s walking.

He recognizes Hawkins like he would recognize the shape of his own hand, or the feel of walking around his house knowing where every turn is and which steps on the stairs creak. It’s instinctual, looking up to see a random suburban landscape and knowing for a fact it’s how the houses are laid out Northeast of Maple Street. He knows the trailer park is just behind him, he knows that if he keeps following this road it will take him around town, past the rows of cookie-cutter houses, and into the woods where the Byers house resides. Further on the outskirts of town. If he was in his car, he could be there in 20 minutes.

But he’s walking along the empty street. His car is nowhere in sight, and oddly that feels okay. He’s not worried about it. Up ahead of him, he can see the kids messing around on their bikes, and Steve suddenly knows without a shadow of a doubt that they are going to Mrs. Byer’s house. The one she shares with Hopper, now, and with all of them on any given day of the week. The kids are taking their sweet time, jumping the curb and circling back slowly – he’s almost pleasantly surprised, thinking they are waiting for him.

Then Max speeds past him on her skateboard, and Steve forgets how to breathe for a second.

Max.

She looks over her shoulder at him, a smile escaping her despite every effort to smother it, red hair pushed back by the early evening breeze and mocking him with a tongue stuck out. Then she’s with the boys, schooling their asses on her skateboard even though they could leave her in the dust with their six speeds. They wouldn’t, though, and if Steve hadn’t already been walking he probably would have stopped at the sight. Only the momentum of one foot in front of the other keeps him moving.

He’s missed seeing her with the kids. Seeing her keeping them in line and on their toes, her presence was grounding, and the boys greet her like she had never been missing at all. Like she hasn’t spent every day of the past three months in a hospital bed, with no change and eyes closed. Lost in a dreamless sleep. (He hopes.)

No, he wouldn’t think about that now. Not with the sight in front of him. This… this was how it should be. The sun setting on Hawkins, all of them rounding themselves up and then heading to the one place they are allowed to be themselves. All parts of them, good and bad, strong and damaged. No one left behind.

“Harrington!”

That makes him stop. Steve suddenly doesn’t know how to move his feet. He turns and looks back towards the trailer park, hands in his letterman jacket pockets, and watches Eddie Munson jog up to him. Smiling, whole, as suitable to the late summer evening as anything ever has a right to be. He fits, in his ripped denim and metal band T-shirt, blues and pinks and purples of the sky making him stand out starkly.

“Munson,” he greets, smiling back and it feels more fond than it should. As if they’ve been friends for years, and not days. As if he’s always around to join them on their walk to the Byer’s place. Always around for Family Dinners.

Like he should be.

Steve teases him about it, because even in the dream it feels like Eddie has never been to those pushed together second-hand dining room tables in the backyard. Never been there to help pass food around, or fight the kids for the best hamburger patties, or chuck potato chips across the table to make his point about whatever he and the kids would argue about. Nerd stuff. Dungeons and Dragons. Steve wouldn’t know what the hell they were talking about, but he’d give anything in the world to be able to listen in. “I see you’ve decided to join us.”

“Yeah, well, I figured it was time for me to make an appearance in the land of the living,” Eddie shrugs at him, a handsome smile spread wide across his face. But his words make Steve’s insides go ice cold.

Always joking, even about his own fucking death. “That’s not funny.”

But Eddie cackles with laughter, like the madman he is, who just missed meeting his maker. “It’s a little funny. I almost died, man, let me own it.”

And God, it could be so easy. This would be the easiest conversation to have. It sounds so much like him, and Eddie is so much more vivid here than he is in the nightmares. His words are so authentic Steve isn’t even sure how his brain came up with them. ((This is a dream.)) he reminds himself. It’s only a dream, and dreams have to make some kind of sense if they are to continue. Steve doesn’t want to let go of this dream, with Max and Eddie there – where they should be. So he accepts Eddie’s easy quip, and tries to make himself believe that this is how it could be. Eddie almost died. But he didn’t. Maybe Steve had still done CPR, and maybe this time Eddie’s chest had started to move on its own, maybe he’d been able to help both Eddie and Dustin limp out of the Upside Down. Maybe he’d gotten the other man to a hospital.

Maybe Eddie Munson could have lived.

Maybe, instead of being the government’s scapegoat, they could have created a bullshit cover story like they had when Will ‘came back from the dead’, and he’d still be living in that shitty trailer park with his Uncle and bitching about trying to pass finals with Robin this year. Maybe this year could have been his year to graduate.

Maybe, just maybe… it could have all been so different.

They walk forever, it feels like. But Steve could have lived inside that moment for the rest of his days. He and Eddie talk shit about everything and nothing, the kids are up ahead but never so far that he can’t see them. Their voices trailing back down the street, Max’s laughter louder than all the rest. He doesn’t even remember the last time she laughed in the past year. Eddie is smiling at him, teasing him, pulls out a joint and lights it for Steve to take the first hit. Leaning in close and not caring about personal space in the slightest. It’s so easy. It’s so comfortable. It’s the best day Steve has had in weeks.

“So where are we going, again?” Eddie asks after what feels like hours. Steve has never thought of someone as such a weirdo in an affectionate way until a couple years ago. Dustin, Robin – of course, but Eddie has it in Spades. He owns it to the point that Steve can’t help but lean into it. Can’t help but think that only Eddie would walk for blocks and blocks with him without even asking where he was off to. Just along for the ride. Even though this particular evening was something that Steve had been wanting Eddie to be a part of for a long, long time.

Family Dinner. Mrs. Byer’s house; sweet little Mrs. Byer’s who barely came up to his shoulder and had more strength in her pinkie finger than half this damn town. She welcomes in everyone her boys bring home with open arms and big sympathetic eyes and an air about her that makes Steve think she must have been cool as fuck in high school. And the way she bossed Hopper around was a sight to see. They argued like an old married couple, even though there is some on-going inside joke about an unfulfilled date at that Italian place downtown. (Mostly because it’s not even there anymore, lost to the Upside Down. Steve had taken a few girls there back when his parents were funding his weekend excursions, it wasn’t cheap. And was not re-opening any time soon. So instead the two made spaghetti all the time and talked about Enzos like it had been a person they both knew.)

Eddie flips out when Steve mentions Hopper will be there, scrambling to put out the blunt and spitting saliva on the sidewalk like they would be able to smell it on his breath instead of all over his clothes and long hair. “You could have warned me! Fucking Hopper.” He says it with a smile, and Steve notices he doesn’t say ‘Officer Hopper’ or even ‘Chief Hopper’. Like he knew him before all of this.

“He’s not a cop, anymore,” Steve laughs, pausing their walk to let his hands hover near Eddie’s shoulder. The dork is putting the blunt out on the bottom of his high-tops and is not coordinated in the slightest to do so.

“Yeah but he’s busted my ass far too many times for me to show up at his HOUSE reeking of the devil’s lettuce,” Eddie says so matter-of-factly, and it sounds so genuine that Steve busts up laughing. His voice echoes down the street with it, Eddie watching him do so with a grin that’s a little more soft around the edges. “No joking, he would drag my ass to the back of his cruiser and scare the hell out of me driving past the police station. But he always took me home to Wayne, never booked me.”

“I get the feeling Hop never really booked a lot of us for things he should have,” Steve tells him, still laughing under his breath like he has the giggles, the vibration of them caught up in his chest and spilling out his mouth every few words. “He used to break up my house parties when I threw them, but it was always like… right at 10:00 at night. He let us have our fun, but never let it get out of hand.”

“No shit! I always thought those parties were short,” Eddie grins, glancing out into the night where the kids were still circling their bikes just out of ear shot. “In case you were too busy doing keg stands by the pool back then, I was the dealer set up in your kitchen selling blunts and baggies off to any passerby with a couple bucks on them.”

“Kinda hard to see when you’re upside down and chugging beer like oxygen,” Steve points out, but says it like an apology. He’d never known where the weed came from at his parties. It would just appeared out of thin air and in his hands like magic. Eddie nods along, understanding and not surprised. He’s not exactly a forgettable person, but the few times they’ve talked he always seems to think that he blends into the background. That it’s expected that Steve wouldn’t remember him at his house parties. The pang of guilt Steve feels is short lived, because Eddie glances at him with that twist of a smirk that should not be as handsome as it is.

“I also ate all your Oreos.”

“That was you?” Steve exclaims.

“Every time,” Eddie grins that shit-eating grin of his, not looking the least bit sorry. “I thought you were keeping them stocked for me! Your reputation as a host preceded you.”

“I hid them on the top shelf, by the wine glasses!”

“And I was set up in that little nook right by that cabinet, it was like my name was on them!” Eddie gestures widely as he speaks, moving his hands constantly in grand gestures that make it really hard for Steve to look away. He’d have to ask Robin if she’s ever seen Eddie in drama, he seems like he’d be good at it.

He pictures where Robin had been sitting in his kitchen just that morning, and realizes that’s the nook that Eddie was talking about. So it’s really easy for Steve to imagine Eddie there, instead, sitting on the counter with his container of oreos and his old-school metal lunch box full of blunts, dealing when the party was in full-swing. Holding court and maybe even telling people to back off if they asked for a cookie, pushing them back with his feet and doing that thing where he pretends to be more scary than he is.

“You’re something else, Munson,” he chides with no bite whatsoever. Steve hasn’t stopped smiling the whole walk, something like affection swelling up warmly inside him, and it probably has nothing to do with the weed. But it’s an easy thing to blame it all on.

The evening shifts not long after that; the rows and rows of suburban houses melt into trees that tower and stretch off into the distance, and the winding road comes to an end at the Byer’s place. It is a little one-story house half buried in leaves from the surrounding forest, but Hopper and Joyce have been hard at work getting it back into shape after the property being deserted for so long. It is a welcome sight, far more welcome than his own home has ever been; and Steve is so lost in the little details of it that he doesn’t realize Eddie isn’t walking next to him anymore.

“So this is your dream, is it?”

An ice cold sensation creeps into his chest, forcing Steve to stop and turn to look at Eddie. A good 15 feet back, hands in his jacket pockets, looking at the house like it’s something he’s not allowed to have. But it’s his words that strike to the heart of Steve’s confusion. ((Your dream.)) That’s what he said. But how could he possibly know…

“This. This is what we fought for?” Eddie asks, nodding to the house, the crowded driveway full of cars and bikes and the sounds of too many teenagers in the backyard (in the best of ways, not like Steve used to hear at his own home not so long ago). “No one is dead. Everyone is here. Family dinners.” It’s as if he’s reading Steve’s mind, because yes, yes that is what he wants. This is everything that they shouldn’t have, and can't seem to keep, no matter how hard they try to hold on to it – and he just wishes they could. That they didn’t have to try so hard to be happy.

“Yeah, Munson. This is it.” This is everything he’s ever wanted.

It’s the kind of evening dreams are made of, apparently. The watercolor sky gives way to darkness in a manner that doesn’t make his heart thump faster in fear. Stars poking through the inky indigo above them. Eddie is wide-eyed and nervous, but he’s here and whole and God that’s all Steve wanted. That’s all he’s wanted for weeks. Some days it feels like it’s eating him alive.

“...are you sure I should come in? I mean.” He gestures to himself, as if there’s something wrong with him on principle. Ripped skinny jeans and studded black leather belts, long hair and tattoos. Steve doesn’t think he’s felt this personally offended on someone else’s behalf in a long time. What kind of nonsense was Eddie on about now? Walking all the way here and not coming inside?

“Of course you should come in.”

He might have spoken a little more harshly than he intended, because Eddie’s gaze is avoiding him again. Steve can almost physically see the guy recoil and retreat into his natural defense mechanism. Make it a joke, over-exaggeration and all. He croons at Steve like the girls in high school used to, twisting a strand of hair in front of his mouth and swaying a little on the spot, ridiculous and owning it – asking if Steve would really miss him if he wasn’t there for dinner.

As if Steve hasn’t missed his stupid face every single day.

Yes, yes he fucking misses him. Steve can feel the space in the world that Eddie used to occupy, as if it was torn away violently and is still trying to heal.

He doesn’t know why Eddie doesn’t seem to understand that.

((This is a dream.))

And Steve is tired of not being able to say the words that have been screaming inside his head for months.

“It’s not right,” he grits out, shaking his head and he’s not mad at Eddie. But he can’t look away from him and he’s not entirely sure he’s controlling the expression on his face very well. “If you’re not here – with us. With me.”

Eddie’s not moving and hasn’t blinked, but his chest is still moving and he’s breathing a little heavier. Way to go, Harrington. Elaborate, dumbass. (Why does his inner voice always sound like Robin?)

“You…” fuck it all, he can’t stand to not talk about it anymore. “You died, Eddie. You actually died down there.” He’s moving towards Eddie, and thanks whatever lucky stars are making themselves known above them that Eddie isn’t backing up as he does. “...I did CPR on you forever trying to bring you back.”

He has no idea how long it really was. Chest compressions, counting out loud with every push, tilting Eddie’s head back just the right angle so when he pressed his mouth to Eddie’s blood-stained lips he could breathe air into his lungs and not his stomach. He was certified, but he’d never done it on a living person before, and Steve knows he had been a panicked mess. Doing chest compressions so hard he had been scared he was going to break one of Eddie’s ribs. But he did the maneuvers again, and again, and again with Dustin sobbing next to him and the others screaming at them through the radio that the gate was closing. Steve had never felt so hopeless as he had in that moment – because Eddie never drew another breath, and his dark eyes stared at nothing, and Steve wanted to curl up on the ground and cry but he couldn’t because Dustin wasn’t able to walk out of there on his own. He and Dustin never talked about it, but the kid had been near hysterical about not wanting to leave Eddie there on the ground, and really the only reason they made it out at all was because Steve had picked Dustin up and carried him out kicking and screaming – and also because Dustin stopped fighting him when he saw that Steve was crying, too.

He hates thinking about that night. It always comes back to him in vivid technicolor, but right now it’s… it’s not so bad, because Eddie looks genuinely shocked by Steve’s admission.

“You did?” he murmurs. And Steve does his best to not be offended, again. Did Eddie really think that they would just leave him for dead without doing absolutely everything they could to try and get him out of there? Did he think they wouldn’t try to save him?

Steve’s heart hurt as it beat hard against his ribs.

“Yeah, I did.” The dream is pressing in on him, it’s threatening to break apart – he can almost feel himself waking up. So he smiles at Eddie, and pretends just a little harder. Plays along. “Thank God, right?”

Because right now Eddie is still in front of him, so if Steve has to play the part to keep him there then he will. Steve can try and believe that all that CPR training hadn’t been for nothing, that he hadn’t failed both Eddie and Dustin in that field. That everyone had made it home.

Eddie holds up his hand, mind whirling behind his big dark eyes, and the grandiose gestures soothe Steve’s very being.

“You, gave me mouth-to-mouth.”

Well, when he puts it like that. Steve shrugs, plays it off as nothing strange. He was certified a couple times over. Lifeguard, Captain of Hawkins High Swim Team two years running. He just hopes the heat flushing up his neck doesn’t show on his face. Eddie doesn’t seem to be paying much attention, anyway, his awe-struck expression melting into disbelief as he cards his ringed fingers through his hair.

“Jesus Christ, Steve Harrington gave me the kiss of life and I wasn’t even awake to appreciate it.” Steve rolls his eyes at Eddie’s statement, rolls them so hard he’s surprised he doesn’t pull something. Like the novelty of ‘King Steve Harrington’ still held any weight anywhere in this fucking town. “My poor little gay heart, high school me would be devastated.”

“You’re still in High School,” Steve tells him on reflex, Eddie flipping him the bird, and the give-and-take of it all is so instinctual that Steve doesn’t really let anything process in real time. Eddie’s commentary is always so flippant and quick that it’s easy to not take it seriously. But he did hear Eddie, he heard every word, and very suddenly Steve feels like he’s back on the Starcourt bathroom floor with Robin and his world has tilted on it’s axis a bit.

My little gay heart

Gay.

Wait. Did he know about Robin? Did he know Steve knew about Robin, is that why he said it?

((Why is he thinking about Robin right now?))

“Wait – what did you just say?” Steve manages to get the words out, although his brain feels like it’s breaking apart a little bit.

And Eddie looks like he’s in the same boat, because he freezes and stares so wide-eyed at him that Steve worries for a second that they just broke the damn dream. Like a traveling carnival ride. He can’t even open his mouth to say Eddie’s name, or backtrack and tell him it’s cool, because like a flip of a lightswitch suddenly Eddie is moving and talking and his whole demeanor is somehow different than before.

“And that’s enough of this round of ‘Eddie Munson Opens His Big Fat Mouth’,” he laments, crossing the distance between them in seconds. His hands are on Steve’s shoulders, he’s so close Steve can smell the cigarette smoke and lingering marijuana and something that must be Eddie’s aftershave or shampoo. Steve about trips over his feet as Eddie pushes him backward, turns him, and traps him against the side panels of the BMW. Realistically, Steve should have pushed him back when it happened – too many nights thinking about the Russians man-handling him or Billy Hargrove beating in his face have made him skittish and defensive, but this was Eddie and how in the fuck did his brain know not to shove him away? He's not even panicking, not really.

When Eddie pushes him up against his own car, Steve doesn’t really think about anything at all… except the other guy’s hands. On his shoulders, steering him, like he’s done it before –

((Because he has.))

”C’mon Harrington. Go back to sleep.” "Harrington’s got her, don’t ya Big Boy?” ”Now you’re talking nonsense. Time for bed, big guy.” ”Just – just go back to sleep, Harrington…”

”You’ll forget all about this in the morning.”

Steve’s mind focuses, then, a metaphorical pair of binoculars adjusting inch by inch until the vision becomes clear. But he doesn’t focus fast enough for Eddie, who smiles in his face (standing so close), winks at him, and taps his cheek twice. The cold bite of those rings on Steve’s skin nearly jostles him into action. His hands were braced against his car to stay upright, now held tight to Eddie’s vest. The one he’d leant him, all those months ago. The one in Steve’s room, right now, that he can’t get rid of.

“Until next time, Harrington.”

((Next time? When was the first time?))

Wait…

He remembers, now.

—

Steve opens his eyes.

—

tbc

—

Series Snippets:

- Dreamwalker (Eddie’s Story) (Part 1) (Part 2) (Part 3) (Part 4)

- Subconscious (Steve’s Story) (Part 1) (Part 2) (Part 3) (Part 4)