#this whole post is devastating me
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on the one hand I think inner demons could stand to have a bit more romanced rook specific content, but on the other hand the underlying in-built implication that 'yours is the one true voice of comfort and safety in my inner world' is a sentiment and intimacy so way beyond the romantic or the platonic or any secret third thing you could care to name that it makes me lose my entire poor little mind a bit. it's so big and fundamental — near-existential — that in that exact moment at least the distinctions kind of seem irrelevant.
all the people lucanis' mind conjures up along the way are relationships he has that are unavoidably mixed and fraught in some ways even when they're also full of love (they are fraught BECAUSE they're full of love) — the good in them inseparable from things that hurt him at the same time. (it's about: the basic disorganized attachment patterns this poor guy is dragging around with him. careful with those, they're dellamorte heirlooms. what you love also inevitably hurts you and you won't be allowed to have one without the other, you have to surrender parts of your soul to hold on to what little you have left: this is the story up until now.) and the idea that rook isn't that to him — that beneath the fear of wanting them when romanced (which is more its own separate thing because within this psychology, actively wanting something and not just clinging on for dear life to even a meager status quo lest you lose it is in itself dangerous bordering on catastrophic), this is a relationship where there isn't resentment, or guilt, or shame, or dread, or rage, or self-hate, or any of the other emotions that keep him paralyzed, unable to move this way or that. no debts, nothing owed of yourself and your soul's substance except what you can freely and safely and happily give. love and freedom don't coexist — but, I mean, you're almost starting to make me think........... unless...👀👀👀. the unconditional and undramatic 'you are here and I am here with you, you can be exactly how you are right now with me and it's safe for us both even though you're afraid it won't be, I'm not going anywhere' acceptance rook shows him here that he returns to them in the big romance scene, when it's rook who needs it. the way he's just. standing there in the center of it all, like a child desperately helplessly waiting to be found, hiding in the place he hopes you'll know to look first. (rook does know. it's one of the first things they say in there.)
in short the most important room in his little mind palace for the romance is the very first room — the one where rook isn't. where, in fact, rook cannot be, because they disprove the entire structure of the place with their existence and presence in his life. with everyone else he's putting words in their mouths about what they think of him, and rook is the one who actually gets to come in to speak their own words to him — and have him listen. ('he'll listen to you, he always listens to you', 'your voice is a comfort'.) of course rook isn't present anywhere else in there — at the risk of stating the obvious to a tedious degree, they aren't one of the locks, they're bringing the key. in the very finest 'the messenger and the message' sort of way.
#dragon age#dragon age: the veilguard#dragon age: the veilguard spoilers#dragon age spoilers#lucanis dellamorte#rook x lucanis#rookanis#dragon age meta#rook is his first brush with actual safe attachment. and to me and because of who I am as a person#nothing could be more romantically devastating or impactful fhdsjkfhs that's literally the unreachable wistful dream the pie in the sky#the garrus romance echoes too. some of the same stuff going on under the hood here#you know who else he's sneakily like too actually? iron bull. the 'no matter where I turn I'll hurt someone I love' and dissociation stuff#there's that whole line about 'walking close to the edge or whatever'#which is masterful as a diversion b/c what this romance is really about is feeling truly safe with someone#in a sort of weirdly realistic way that makes it struggle with the conventions of video game romance but sure is Doing something!#and I unwittingly made a rook who also is on that specific arc so it's working out just devastating for me thanks for asking#the part in andrea gibson's 'prism' that's like. there is no shelter in the womb it's where you learn the cord that feeds you#could at any moment wrap around your neck. I think that's the initial understanding of love here. which is not good. if you think about it.#I don't think I really write these kinds of posts btw I just black out for a while and when I wake up from the trance I too#get to read what the fuck I've been thinking about finally. corralling that raging electric storm#that keeps overtaking my neurons at regular intervals and translating it into if not sense then certainly words. lots of words#no one is ever more surprised than me to find out what i'm thinking and feeling
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What do I have to do to get out of here? Who do I have to beg on my knees to so I can leave?
Get me out of my house
P@yPal: twitchyjayson
Current Goal: $55/$800
#twitchy talks#commissions#donations#emergency commissions#I'm broke now with my main savings that was seperated from this#Main savings was for food and bills and essentials and since I just paid my phone bill Im now broke#Every month now that this goes on I might have to pull money towards moving out just so I can keep living here#Which sucks ass and I refuse to do but have no choice#Im so tired man I'm sorry#Didnt mean to vent in the tags#Also within this and the last post I was rejected another job#It was FOR people on the spectrum who struggle with jobs and you know why I didnt qualify?#Because I didnt live in that town#Which they didnt say that when applying#I had a whole interview and it took maybe a month before they got back to me because of two emails asking to tell me no#Devastating#Theyll at least keep me on record in case closer locations are added but????#how long would that me for even a chance of it being in my town? years?#I dont have years to wait sorry
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Album art for Homeless Romantic III & IV by Lost in the Sauce, a DIY punk artist based in Oneonta, New York
#a very good folk punk artist!! please support him!!!#His music just got taken off Spotify and I didn't realize he was so underground!! i am devastated by the loss but his whole discography is#available online#literally in a reddit comment media fire post as well as soundcloud and also bandcamp#i've been obsessed with him for the last month and this has sparked such a hyperfixating battlecry in me#please look at the neat equipment and also think it is neat!!#my posts#lost in the sauce#diy punk#folk punk#music equipment#cool wires and things i want to touch
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Regina cuts her off, her stomach roiling. “You talk about me with Henry?” Emma shrugs. “You come up sometimes. He really does care about you. And I think you care about him.” “You think?” Regina demands, and her fists tighten. “You think?” Emma turns away from her, focuses on Henry on his swing. Regina follows suit, letting the sight of him calm her. He’s going higher and higher, and he kicks off his shoes when he’s at the top of the swing, sending them flying across the playground. It’s so normal, so much like a scene from a year ago, before everything had fallen apart. “I wasn’t sure,” she says. “I didn’t know if you…if you saw him as something to have. Or if you really loved him.” Regina seethes. Something in her chest withers and dies. She’s furious. She isn’t hurt, because she will never give Emma Swan the power to hurt her again. “This town still stands only because Henry is inside of it. And you think that I don’t love him?” Emma doesn’t respond to the threat, which had been stupid and will set Regina’s time with Henry back again, she’s sure. “You didn’t kiss him. When he was…after he ate that turnover. You didn’t even try to kiss him awake.” Regina had sat in the hospital room and wept, had felt the world falling apart around her, and no, she had not kissed Henry as Emma had. How arrogant it is, to believe that a kiss can work magic. How privileged it is for the laws of the world to break only for you. “I am no Charming,” she spits. “I don’t get beautiful fairytales, and I don’t expect them. Forgive me for being a realist.” Emma is silent. When Regina turns, Emma is watching her again, and there is a lingering something in her eyes. Not quite pity, not quite sorrow. But understanding, and Regina hates seeing it more than anything else. Hates the way that her heart leaps, and the next few breaths hitch and don’t emerge right.
#i Cannot post fic before i finish the whole thing bc i don’t have regular fic writing time rn!!!#but i finished the first chapter of this and i just wanted to share a lil 🥺#how do we feel about hanahaki with a devastating twist 🤔#ANYWAY got a new assignment that’s gonna take over my life but this story won’t let go of me so i’ll be back!!!#swan queen#vintage s2 for y'all <3
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doodlin some joh’s
#kagoodles#trainer kris#trainer ethan#trainer lyra#rival silver#green background bc I’m a spinach head lately. and a mustard green enjoyer bc i had some good potstickers that had it in the filling#kris to me should be a little cartoonishly malleable. a smiling smirker. like >:]#i also think ethan has a little unevolved natu on his team. purely for the “you can evolve when you feel like it buddy” vibe#been considering what to make team wise for the joh's but a fun idea i've got brewing is that lyra and silver Both have chikoritas#i know he canonically has a totodile but i have a fun workaround for the future that i'm workshopping a lil#when getting starters silver thought he stole the only chikorita in the lab. then when lyra comes in elm gives her a Shiny chikorita#12 year old absolutely devastated hammering fist on the floor mad but he gets over it (but maybe still a Little salty)#learns to mellow out a bit with his potato dino over time and the evolutions for both of their meganiums have different flowers/colors/type#i know i've been out the whole month i've been unfortunately stuck in the post midpoint of the sem where the workload is Crazy#been prepping works for an art show at my college And getting projects done for deadlines and it is. a Toll#but I will get One illustration done. i've been planning out lyra's dress for a piece and the second to last pic is the test for it
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satoru is so fucking strong i think i’d GENUINELY have thrown up if i was in his place when geto came to declare war on jujutsu high … like i’m so serious i couldn’t handle cult!geto i really really couldn’t
#he is the most devastating sugu to me#i cant think of a reunion scenario with him post-defection without tearing up or feeling mildly nauseous#😭😭😭#i would break down and cry i just knowwwww it#the humiliation would be too much i’d have to flee the country#i really want to write a whole series for reformed sorcerer!geto but the idea of it just makes me want to bawl#ari noises ✩
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rlly silly doodles based off of a post the hc goat @tegr1dy made about stan and kyle adult braces that had me laying awake at night 😭😭😭
#tegri1dy i love ur blog- you REALLY get style <3 <3#...i imagine that at first kyle is devastated but stan convinces him it'll be fine and they can just dress like hipsters and it'll be cool#then like two years in stan is so done with it but kyle is deep in denial at that point#been reading a lot of sekrit fics lately and the way she writes them as like these losers who spend their whole lives together but just..#kind of awkwardly avoid dating for seemingly no reason even though they're in love?? fascinates me.... i don't know if that was a good desc#btw lol i think i'm gonna try posting a little bit more casually because there's some stuff i wanna try clearing out of my drafts#south park#sp style#love yall lol have a great dayy
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“You’re my family, and I love you, but you’re terrible, you’re all terrible.”
#I drew this like a month ago and forgot to post ittttt#Finishing my Bobs Burgers marathon emotionally devastated me#I had watched like 2 season like 7 years ago and then randomly picked it up and watching the whole thing#And it was so so so good#I am a Bobs Bitch#art#drawing#bobs burgers#bobs burgers fanart#procreate#digital art#fan art#bob belcher#teddy bobs burgers#Linda belcher#gene belcher#louise belcher#tina belcher#illustration#sketch#doodle
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we make fun of Chip Zien but to be fair if you didn't know Falsettos already and it was 1979 and you just read the fever dream that is the In trousers script would YOU know what Whizzer going down means? probably but also you need to remember that Chip Zien is straight
#chip zien#in trousers#i was thinking of this last night#i could make a whole bigger post about#how it slightly rubs me the wrong way when people dismiss his unbelievable talent i favor of reducing him to sillyguy#he's had some of the most emotionally devastating parts and i think people can forget that sometimes
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I can’t explain why, but this is my favorite hilson edit ever and I can/will watch it on loop for an uncountable amount of times
#hilson#house md#gregory house#james wilson#im very bummed about my laptop dying on me and possibly having to replace the motherboard#or put money aside to buy a new one in…who knows how long 🙃#so i was looking through my tiktok playlists since i can’t do my usual late night genealogy#and i saw my house folder and got hit with a burst of nostalgia#i had already saved this edit to my phone bc i loved it so much and would be devastated if it was deleted#idk maybe it’s the lake scene in the middle that pushes the brain buttons just right#but the whole vibe i get from it is immaculate and i wanted to share in an attempt to cheer myself up lol#maybe i’ll make a mega post of my fave fics too bc why not#it’s not like i can do my genealogy work 😞#hasan't#personal#video#not my video#tiktok#not my tiktok
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some photos from the all the president's men blu-ray features i haven't seen posted before
#its very possible that these have been posted before but i havent seen them so i want them all in one post#many things to talk about here. most importantly. a second angle of the lean in scene has hit the towers.#dustin on the bike has made me wonder if there was originally a scene of carl cycling but they cut it. which would have devasted real carl#btw you would not believe what i went through to get these. it was a weeks spanning saga it was a whole thing#ive learned its very difficult fixating on such an american thing and not living in america#micah.txt#journalism yaoi tag#long post#(← not too long i think but i dont want to annoy people)
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idk if it was the venus retrograde or what, but july 2023 was quite literally the worst month i've ever experienced in my life like.....every single day? awful? worse than the last? it's more likely than u think
#u know sometimes you'll experience something bad in the moment and look back later like lol that was fine actually!#not july :) she was actually really bad :)#tmi but if u wanna know why i was gone lol#my partner of 6 years cheated on me in early may. on her birthday. at her party that i planned. with her coworker. and i saw it#on top of just being like. completely devastated? i was just so embarrassed? i hardly told anyone because it made me feel like#just SO worthless. and then i was embarrassed about feeling worthless and it was a whole thing#anyway they started dating in july and it was really tough for me#it was like every day i'd wake up and have to like grieve? and come to terms with reality? and accept that a lot of my future plans#were no longer going to happen - at least with her :/ it's a really tough thing to grapple with#esp since it felt like she wasn't nearly as sad as i was - which unfortunately makes sense but still sucks#ANYWAY im doing a lot better now lol i started telling people in my life and letting them be there for me and it's helped so much#it's still hard sometimes but i know now that i'm gonna be fine eventually#this is so dumb to post on my sims blog but it feels good to get it off my chest so SUE ME I GUESS
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TW: eye strain, blood, no visible gore but eye injury implied (also rambling in the tags)
Early work in progress painting of v,,,, the final piece won’t look anything like this (…..maybe) but I was messing with layer settings and hard mix is serving ,,,,,
tbh I’m starting 2 understand V h8ters now,,, mf needs 2 get the FUCK outta my head before I do something crazy 🫣🫣🫣🫣🫣 (((draw him more****
#hes just too fucking fascinating to me…..#him and Rika need to stop stealing the show#actually debating playing Saeran ae just to obsessively call V the whole time#cheritz was absolutely cooking when they put the most unhealthy#codependent and traumatized#and weird couple#into a FUCKING OTOME GAME AAAAA#it gives me such brainrot like#jaehee route ending with mc and jaehee opening up a cafe#and being adorable lesbians#MEANWHILE v has (presumably) fuckin died at the hands of Rika#as a sacrifice 2 keep the rfa safe#and jumin is just having to sit there sipping coffee in his former secretary’s cute cafe#acting like he didn’t pregame the event with a bottle of merlot#it’s crazy#it’s a cute dating game with cute characters#and also a fuckin Shakespearean tragedy#not apologizing for the tags ITS MY SHOW!!!#(ps. always devastating that jumin becomes a major alcoholic in nearly all the endings)#i wanna ramble about it on a nother’ post#but I’m seepy now nighty night#honk shoo🥱🥱🥱honk shoo😪😪😪honk shoo#cephy talks#jihyun kim#fanart
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what if I just got really really really into Merlin again
#grace for ts#its on peacock#i could binge the whole thing over the next several months#im talking text posts. screencaps. the whole shebang#and then finally write my masterpiece fix it au that i was too devastated to write after the Black Christmas Eve of 2012#you can tell that im desperately hanging on to the last shred of my sanity#i cant seem to write anything. i cant seem to read anything. theres got to be SOMETHING out there#the latest KDT book is letting me down baddddd#and i couldnt concentrate on At The Feet of the Sun before my library loan ran out#somehow there are active merlin fans on bluesky#???? not sure how/who/why but i respect it#merlin
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xavi is better than me i would have added fuck you laporta and deco to his ig post
#whole post made me really emotional 🥲#ruin me more xavier :(#his blood and soul is blaugrana im devastated
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what do you fucking mean that's how charlie dies. THAT'S HOW CHARLIE DIES??? i mean i know the show has a penchant for killing off every character who's not a winchester brother or an angel of thursday but good god. what the fuck. charlie was such a good and enjoyable recurring character, and she had such a fandom impact that i've seen, and she's only around for THREE SEASONS?? (sidebar: it's amazing she has the presence she does for only being around for a couple episodes in the long run!) but: was this necessary? and she just dies offscreen after her skills are utilized to progress the plot of decoding the book of the damned?? oh my god. what in the actual fuck. i'm finding myself getting genuinely very upset at her death. she did not fucking deserve that. and i can absolutely see why the fan response to her death is what it is now. completely fucking unjustified and throwaway and useless.
#theo.txt#spn#charlie#spn spoilers#spn 10x21#almost none of the women who've gotten fridged on this show have deserved it but still#good god this one made me especially angry#why do you use this character for a plot point and then ship her off somewhere. to oz or to the afterlife. so often?#she was such a cool character with a good story that i enjoyed and related to and THIS is what they did with her?? and from my perusing she#doesn't even really come back like bobby occasionally does?? and his death. while devastating to me as somebody who really liked him. still#felt WAY better than this#sorry i ended that episode with my jaw on the fucking FLOOR oh my god. /neg#what did she have to die for? where is that post about female characters dying so male characters can feel sad but it's a gifset of all the#bullshit ass deaths of women on supernatural#i love the show fucking obviously but jesus h christ.#but also you know what. having the context that i have. still a fucked up thing to say but i see why dean says That to sam now during#charlie's funeral. it IS an interesting look into how they respond to the other one violating their wishes/freedoms and into their larger#dynamic actually! but thats not what this post is really about#wow. i am actually livid. poor fucking charlie.#if she was like a sister to the winchesters how about you bring her back huh? how about you revive her? jesus christ#i wonder what her heaven is like. i hope its dnd and movie night with the girls#i took a little break mid-typing this to see if i was just being insane and angry but no the super wiki has a whole section about the fan#outrage at charlie's death and the discussions it furthered about the show's misogynistic tendencies#and you know what? good!#ok anyway. im going to go browse charlie art and feel abnormal now.#supernatural#charlie bradbury
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