#no. i am the problem. me
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it is honestly a crime that i have to do my laundry every week for the rest of my life
#what do you MEAN i gotta do this. every goddamn week.#what do you meeeeaaannnnn i am responsible for making sure my clothes are clean#truly doing laundry is the world's worst chore no i will not be accepting comments at this time#mimi talks#u know what i'm just gonna add onto these tags instead of making a new post so i don't bother the three (3) whole people who follow me#but being at home is fucking devastating for my ability to write#i just keep opening and closing and opening tumblr#sTOP it#i just wanna write on my day off!!! why can i only focus enough to write at work!!!!!#cleaned off my desk so it'd stop stressing me out like ah yes this will fix the problem#no. i am the problem. me#i can't believe this but maybe i hunt down that program i used in grad school that locks my entire goddamn computer down#for however long the timer i set lasts#rip to any reference searching but maybe that's what i need#uuuggghhh if american healthcare wasn't such a joke i'd go get my official adhd diagnosis and throw myself into meds#if i wasn't nerfed by my inability to concentrate it'd be over for u clowns
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please i love you i'm begging you bring back suspension of disbelief bring back trusting the audience like. i cannot handle any more dialogue that sounds like a legal document. "hello, i am here to talk to you about the incident from a few minutes ago, because i feel you might be unwell, and i am invested in your personal wellbeing." "thank you, i am unwell because the incident was hurtful to me due to my childhood, which was bad." I CANT!!!!
do you know how many people are mad that authors use "growled" as a word for "said"? it's just poetics! they do not literally mean "growled," it's just a common replacement for "said with force but in a low tone." it's normal! do you hear me!! help me i love you please let me out of here!!!
#i am so sick of writers having to anticipate the most boring#bad-faith readings of their work. i am like - if you use cheese as a currency#okay! as long as the world makes sense to me: cool. cheese tax. moving on.#my job as the reader is to suspend my disbelief and say okay! i am so sick of like#fanfiction authors having to write dissertations#because they had an interesting idea they'd like to try out!!!#just write it! if it doesn't make sense that's someone else's problem!!!#PS OP is autistic. yes sometimes i take things literally at first glance. then i think about it lol#this is so clearly not about accessibility etc. it's about like. girl even i an autistic person#am able to understand ''they probably didn't mean his eyes darkened LITERALLY''
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*displays textbook symptomatic behavior of my own disorder that I am well educated on* what’s my deal why am I like this
#I know exactly why I’m like this but why am I like this#I know what’s wrong with me but wtf is wrong with me#adhd autistic#audhd creature#cluster a#cluster b#cluster c#personality disorders#bpd stuff#late diagnosed autistic#cptsd recovery#did osdd#bpd#audhd#adhd problems#audhd problems#borderline personality disorder#complex trauma#mood disorders#anxiety disorders#psychotic disorders#neurological disability#neurodivergent#neurodiversity#trauma disorders#traumagenic
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(✿◕‿◕) die (ꈍ ꒳ ꈍ✿)
#MY GIRLLLLLLLL <333333 you're doing amazing sweetie kill them all you deserve to#anyway. coping mechanism. the problems in my life i could solve if society just let me have a death note#this show really is an exercise in patience and suffering i get SO squicked out#by how much the horrible characters and situations mirror the insanity of what's happening in real life#also the revelation that some of the actors are Exactly as shitty as their characters are is. ugh.#but every time i'm like okay i can't take it i need to stop to protect my headspace#i think of kimiko and am like.... no... i need to see my gir....#hope karen gets jucy roles in other shows too PLEASE#the boys#kimiko miyashiro#karen fukuhara#theboysedit#tvedit
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do you guys ever feel like an outcast even in a group full of outcasts. like i'm autistic and even in groups full of neurodivergent people i'm still excluded sometimes. i don't understand why
#vent post#actually autistic#autism#is it just me#i don't understand what the problem is#am i just weird#neurodivergent#being autistic
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They need to invent a "I have to voice my needs & wants otherwise people won't know them." that doesn't put me through the same emotions as the first caveman being hunted by a sabertooth tiger.
#sorry know its ill fitting to this blog I just have to put it somewhere I woke up pacing my room in circles saying this to myself#like a mantra since i woke up.#Does anyone else experience primal nauseating guilt when having to voice that I would like something to be done for me or am i the problem-
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I feel like there are a lot of people out there who needs to hear this:
If you dropped out of school because of diagnosed (or undiagnosed) ADHD, Autism, ADD, OCD, Dyslexia, Anxiety, Depression, Bipolar disorder, psychotic disorders, schizophrenia etc… You did not fail. The education system failed you.
#neurodiverse stuff#i cannot say this enough#neurodivergent#actually adhd#adhd problems#autism#just autistic things#actually autistic#actually bpd#actually mentally ill#actually disabled#depressing shit#this gave me more emotional damage than my dad#i am going to rant#i am going insane#dropping out#school problems#send help#you can do this#you cannot convince me otherwise#you can't change my mind#you can do it#i believe in you#i believe in their healing powers#i believe in myself#academic assignments#assignmentwriting#assignment help#in this essay i will
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I did my best to be lovable.
#actually bpd#borderline culture is#borderline personality disorder#bpd#bpd problems#bpd thoughts#bpd vent#actually borderline#borderline blog#actually obsessive#sad thoughts#i wanna kms#i am so tired#i am so sorry#no one loves me#loner#lovesick#there is absolutely nothing lonelier
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queen of diamonds, upright + reversed 💎
I've redone this like eighty times, I have to just be done with it now and stop staring at all my mistakes oh no 🫠
#art#twisted wonderland#twisted wonderland spoilers#twisted wonderland episode 7 spoilers#twisted wonderland book 7 spoilers#twisted wonderland episode 7 part 8 spoilers#twisted wonderland book 7 part 8 spoilers#coming in well after the fact but that's what happens when the art doesn't cooperate#and i just HAD to draw something for vil's ob (re-ob?) because i loved it so much#legit put my hand over my mouth and went “oh!” when i realized what was happening#i thought it was just going to be an idia thing because. y'know. closing out his character arc from episode 6 and all#so this was like. oh! oh we're going to get ALL the inky boys!!!!!#i wonder if this is why we got a malleus flashback so early...#not to mention everyone's dreams?!#i am braced for 90% of the dreams to be kind of jokey/inconsequential because we have SO many characters to get through#and most of the time will probably be spent on our lads (literally) dropkicking their emotional problems#but i am excited to see everyone regardless!#and also kind of terrified! what on EARTH will floyd be dreaming about. do i want to know.#i do but do i want to.#man. they're probably not going to get back to it but i do wonder what silver's dream was#what was he doing when he was like 'wait a minute' and noped right out of there#lilia: here silver i made dinner :)#silver: oh boy this looks great! ...YOU'RE NOT MY REAL DAD#ouuuagh i'm still deep in the blotsauce guys and i'm loving it#come make snowangels in the ink with me it's great
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I have been Sacked.
#I cannot believe I was fired from KFC.#Why does every job fire me?#Surely I am not the problem.#It must be society...
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this is just my opinion but i think any good media needs obsession behind it. it needs passion, the kind of passion that's no longer "gentle scented candle" and is now "oh shit the house caught on fire". it needs a creator that's biting the floorboards and gnawing the story off their skin. creators are supposed to be wild animals. they are supposed to want to tell a story with the ferocity of eating a good stone fruit while standing over the sink. the same protective, strange instinct as being 7 and making mud potions in pink teacups: you gotta get weird with it.
good media needs unhinged, googling-at-midnight kind of energy. it needs "what kind of seams are invented on this planet" energy and "im just gonna trust the audience to roll with me about this" energy. it needs one person (at least) screaming into the void with so much drive and energy that it forces the story to be real.
sometimes people are baffled when fanfic has some stunning jaw-dropping tattoo-it-on-you lines. and i'm like - well, i don't go here, but that makes sense to me. of fucking course people who have this amount of passion are going to create something good. they moved from a place of genuine love and enjoyment.
so yeah, duh! saturday cartoons have banger lines. random street art is sometimes the most precious heart-wrenching shit you've ever seen. someone singing on tiktok ends up creating your next favorite song. youtubers are giving us 5 hours of carefully researched content. all of this is the impossible equation to latestage capitalism. like, you can't force something to be good. AI cannot make it good. no amount of focus-group testing or market research. what makes a story worth listening to is that someone cares so much about telling it - through dance, art, music, whatever it takes - that they are just a little unhinged about it.
one time my friend told me he stayed up all night researching how many ways there are to peel an orange. he wrote me a poem that made me cry on public transportation. the love came through it like pith, you know? the words all came apart in my hands. it tasted like breakfast.
#warm up#writeblr#actually this is because again i don't go here#i don't read/write fanfic but i have nothing but respect for my troops#but i also have never played minecraft. im sorry. please ask me any question about pokemon tho i love that shit#anyway#out of some banal and thoughtless curiosity i watched the minecraft movie trailer#and again i know nothing about minecraft. i am aware im in an endangered population#but im watching this going: this is so fucking.... BAD#there is NO LOVE in it!#like if someone who has NO history in minecraft watches that and is like - ohhh this is soulless#WHO IS THE AUDIENCE????#ppl who love minecraft are gonna hate it!!!#at some point it's the ''mean girls musical movie'' problem --#some people will always hate the premise of what you're doing and some people will love it#make it for the ppl who love it#and usually that somewhat convinces the haters to like. chill enough to TRY it . bc it IS good#but when you try to make it for the haters..... nobody likes it. it doesn't have passion. energy. footwork#which is a small way of saying a big thing: if you love something. fucking make it and assume someone will love it too.#i love u . be brave . be bold. be in boston and come to my reading#where i wrote a really weird fucked up little book.#love u love u love u etc
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People who smoke while walking: I hate you
#like thank u for making me walk in your smoke cloud for the entire trip#thank u#i am unapologetically a hater if you smoke and make it someone elses problem#same if ur drunk in public#stop that shit
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A whole new meaning to Gay Chicken.
(For: Anonymous raffle winner!)
#poorly drawn mdzs#mdzs#wei wuxian#lan wangji#This prompt was super cute! Thank you for donating to the raffle!#And thank you to everyone who also donated!#Okay full disclosure I am on very little sleep right now so these next thoughts may be incomprehensible.#(That hasn't stopped me before. Sometimes the voices of the hat man give me good ideas.)#I have been vibrating with excitement for when we finally get to the chicken scene.#Because I really want to draw chickens! I love chickens! They are so optimally shaped for maximal cuteness.#That's a creature that was designed to be fluffy and sit on things. What is there to *not* love!#I know there is more significance to the whole exchange but really...I think Lan Wangji deep down just wants to hold cute creatures.#His hands are big and gentle and not meant for swords! They are made to be filling rabbit hutches with fresh hay and petting chickens.#This is to say; Lan Wangji's problems could all have been avoided if he was a farmboy.#He can still be a farmer. The two of them could run off into the country and start something new.#"True love is possible only - in the next world - for new people” Is a disco elysium quote I think about for wangxian all the time.#Ah but that's a different tangent. Look forwards to more art tomorrow!
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vat7k fandom will you accept me
#vat7k#varian and the seven kingdoms#nuru and yongs outfits are so mid i wish i liked them more but nuru's original silhouette was really killing me#and. don't let me speak about yongs initial design. i wont get into it#am i saying my redesigns are better. no. i did it for me#hopefully u guys r .. ok with it... sniff#ive been lurking and the creators here are so sweet so i feel a little bad being any form of critical abt the material..#the amt of headcanons i have is unreal#but i think it can be summarized as: hugo has problems and then he realizes everyone is worse#nuru's spread looks so emptyyy but she's actually my favorite please believe me#2025#sketches#fanart
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there are so many people who keep @-ing me lately who are obsessed with the idea of WWX being this underprivileged victim who suffered unfairly at every turn…
no, he wasn't a "scholarship kid" in contrast to JC being a trust fund kid, his family paid for him to go to college exactly the same as his brother, where he had the confidence to behave with absolutely no regard for consequences; before the war he carried a platinum credit card with JFM's name on it and he had job security from like age 10 as JC's future head of R&D
no, he was never treated as a servant, he was the HEAD DISCIPLE of a top 5 sect and afforded much of the privilege and respect that came with that. after the war he was JC's right hand, being second in the sect only to the sect leader. even in the burial mounds he never did a single chore and in fact got lightly scolded for creating more chores
he wasn't hated by the cultivation world because he was an uppity servant trying to climb beyond his class and making the gentry look bad through his own integrity and righteousness, he was hated because he was extremely powerful and super scary and violated a ton of social taboos and behaved erratically in public and seemed beholden to nobody
like girl… you're thinking of Meng Yao!
#and not to clarify the obvious but NONE of this is to say that wwx hasn't suffered. he was in an extremely vulnerable position as a child.#the jiang family dynamic was very damaging and he was unfairly singled out. he was OBVIOUSLY mistreated after the war in many ways.#SO I AM JUST SAYING THERE IS NO NEED TO INVENT MORE WAYS IN WHICH FOR HIM TO SUFFER#and he was as much 'jiang cheng's servant' as jiang cheng was his father's servant. just because there is hierarchy between them –#and just because that hierarchical gap did cause many emotional problems – doesn't mean it takes the form of a master/servant dynamic!#SORRY THAT PEOPLE CONTINUE TO @ ME WITH BAD TAKES FORCING ME TO PERPETUATE THE CYCLE OF TAKES#shut up phee#mdzs
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Sometimes at work it's not my place to tell people the things I want to say, and I find I often go home at the end of the rougher days to stand blankly in my shower and tell myself over and over what I wish I could pass on.
This accomplishes very little, and mostly just gives me a tension headache, but through it all I think I've narrowed myself down to a few solid things I'd like to tell people the most.
You can't change people. Not permanently, not for anythig. You can support them, encourage them, love them, give them tools and opportunities and resources, but you can't make them change. They can change themselves if they want to, but they have to want to, and they have to want it for themselves, because they're the only one that's certain to be with them forever.
For better or worse, you make your own choices, and blaming bad choices on others doesn't only work to absolve you of responsibility- it also robs you of control. Because if you say you only did something because I did something, then you arent only shifting blame- you're admitting that you cannot control yourself, that you cannot truly make choices for yourself, that other people can control you- and as long as you truly beleive that, you'll keep facing the same problems over and over. You'll keep letting others dictate your choices, because you'll beleive that they can, and you'll never be free.
White knights on horseback are from fairytales. Nobody can help you if ou're not willing to help yourself. To try, to put the dirty work in, to belive you're worth that effort- Act as though nobody is coming to save you. From a struggle, from pain, from bad relationships, from yourself. And when you do save yourself, because you will, because failure here isn't an option if you want to survive, you'll never find another dragon that can keep you prisoner.
Don't say anything to anyone that you wouldn't want them remembering forever.
Doing the right thing in bad circumstances is hard. It's the hardest thing. But if you make the choice to do that hard thing anyways, despite your fear, you'll go on the rest of your like knowing that you're the sort of person who did something.
The present only seems the hardest because the past I over and the future hasn't happened.
There's so much joy ahead of you, the kind you can't possibly understand until you see it yourself.
The responsibility of consequences is often disguised as the power of permission. "I won't do this if you help me", "I'll work on my anger if you do this for me", "I promised you I'd quit, but can I have just one?". The unspoken question is, "Can it be your fault if this goes badly?"
You cant make someone love you the way you need to be loved. Someone can love you very much and still be bad for you, even if you love them very much in return. Two people can love each other very, very much, and try their very best, and still be wrong for each other.
Sometimes being near to someone changes you, even in good ways, and the people you become don't fit together as well as the people you were.
Caring takes work. Even if it's real. Especially if it's real. And the most important gestures aren't the grand, poetic, songs-and-flowers-and-tears moments; they're getting out of bed even though you don't want to. Paying attention to things you don't enjoy. Scrubbing pans, or opening a window, saying "thank-you", or helping carry groceries into the house. The small things fill the big things- without the small, boring, mediocre things, big things feel hollow.
Thrre is honour and dignity in humble work.
If you are a cruel and spiteful person, then you will find every place you visit to be full of the same cruel, spiteful people. This is not because the world is as cruel as you, but because everywhere you are, you will be disliked. This is the curse that comes with being persistently cruel and spiteful.
If you are a kind and ppsitive person, you will repeatedly encounter kind and positive people, because as they grow familiar with you, they will be happier to have you near. This is the reward of being a kind and positive person.
When splitting paths with loved ones, briefly or forever, aim for your last words to always be "I love you".
#I'm still so young and ignorant#but I wish someone had told ME these things before I had to learn them#And now when shit goes south and everything is over and calm again the same things just roll though my head#Over and over and over#It's like everyone I meet has the same 3 problems and its ruining their lives#I just want to take everyone I meet by the shoulders and shake them#I KNOW why this is happening to you#Do you realize you can be better?#Do you realize you can do it?#Aren't you terrified of wasting your life like this?#*I* want to be happier#*I* used to be so much worse than I am#And I don't have it all figured out#But if we all decide to help ourselves then it'll be that much easier to help each other#Right?#It's so hard to lift dead weight#You need to kick against the waves with me#You need to WANT to float#Do you understand#Ugh it's 6am#This has been your overdramatic midnight ramble#Imma grill me a cheese and go back to bed#Blaurfhgh
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