#this story means a lot to me being asexual myself

[aces-parrows]

show me how to love | san

pairing: san x neu!reader word count: 1.5k genre: fluff, maybe a bit of angst? warning(s): not proofread, mentions of acephobia summary: you're asexual and in love with your best friend, so you write him a letter confessing your feelings credit: divider and banner

"san, i'm asexual." you had said with a trembling voice as you spoke through the phone, your heart pounding in a way it never had before. you had known this about yourself for years, but a constant barrage of invalidation and disbelief had forced you back into the closet. each failed attempt at dating or opening up about this aspect yourself, where no one seemed to understand your asexuality, had made you no longer want to open up about it. but now, you had just told your best friend of three years, san—a gamble you never thought you would take after your past disappointments.

a nervous laugh came from the other end of the phone, causing your stomach to twist with anxiety in an uncomfortably familiar way. did he think badly of you as well? but before you could even begin to regret telling him, his voice, warm and reassuring, broke through any fears you might have had. "thank you for telling me, y/n," he said, his voice filled with genuine kindness. it was as though you could see his comforting smile through the phone just from the way his voice sounded. all the tension in your body melted away the moment you realized that san was accepting of you wholeheartedly.

that conversation had happened months ago. and now, a tear slid down your cheek as you held a freshly written love letter in your hands. his acceptance of you was a bittersweet memory as you prepared to take another gamble—confessing your romantic feelings to san. all you could think was if your romantic feelings could be enough for him, even despite your asexuality. you wiped the tear before taking a deep breath, reading over the letter one final time, wanting to ensure every word of your letter properly expressed the depth of your feelings that you felt for this man. you folded it neatly, now wondering how you were going to give it to him.

standing outside of san's apartment, a familiar nervous flutter reoccurred in your stomach as you silently practiced just how you were going to go about this, the love letter safely tucked in your pocket. why was this so difficult? no matter how much you had scripted in your head what you wanted to say and do, it felt as though you were too nervous to go through with it. however, you had made it this far along in your plan, so you felt as though it had become too late to turn back now. you were going to confess, no matter how difficult it got, even if the letter had to do all the talking for you. while you waited for san to answer, you discreetly slid the letter into the book.

you gave san a shy smile when he opened the door, greeting him the way you always did by giving him a hug and asking how his day had been. you could tell he was exhausted from the long hours rehearsing. you didn't want to keep him for long, so you handed him the worn copy of "even if this love disappears tonight."

"here it is," you said as you watched san's light up, carefully taking the book from your shaky hands.

"ah, thank you so much!" he said happily, "i hope you enjoyed reading it."

"i did," you responded with your smile growing, "it was such a good read, i struggled to put it down."

"see? i told you that you would!" san said excitedly, "i'm so glad you liked it, we got to discuss this together some time!"

you watched him put the book into his backpack, assuming he would read it again when he had time between practice, rehearsals, and whatever ateez-related events that filled his busy schedule. you smiled, knowing he would get the letter eventually, though you couldn't help but feel a little bit sad as you realized that you wouldn't get to see his reaction. perhaps it was for the best, as delivering the letter was nerve-wracking enough. could you handle watching him read it right in front of you?

san had picked up the book while in the car to their destination for a fan call event, deciding that a good book would help pass the time. as he noticed something was in the book, he had assumed maybe a scrap piece of paper had gotten wedged between some of the paged when he placed it in his backpack the other night, but he was surprised to discover it wasn't scrap paper. at least, it didn't seem to be with the way it was so neatly folded. was this your way of having a makeshift bookmark and you just forgot to take it out when you returned it to him?

his fingers brushed against the folded piece of paper, his curiosity getting the best of him in that moment as he pulled it out from the book. with the book forgotten about for now, he began to unfold the paper, his mind flooding with hundreds of guesses as to what could be on this piece of paper. a love letter, was not amongst those hundreds of thoughts. so, it was safe to say he was surprised when he began to read the first few sentences of your heartfelt letter to him.

dear san,

there has been something i've been wanting to tell you for months, but i never had the courage to say it to you directly. but now, with a pen in my hand, i have the courage to express everything to you...

san continued reading the inked confession, soon understanding not only the depth of your emotions, but the courage it took to write this and find a way to discreetly give it to him. now that he fully understood just how you felt, a flood of thoughts and memories filled his head. small things were now making sense to him. the moments you shared together—late night conversations, laughter over inside jokes, the way your eyes met across crowded rooms—they all now took on a whole new meaning.

he carefully folded the letter back up, the racing thoughts and emotions in his mind unable to stop. he felt an immense amount of gratitude for your honesty and vulnerability, now with a newfound appreciation for the connection you two shared. he was deeply touched by this letter, even if you didn't get know it.

he knew he needed to respond to you, he just had to. he set the letter back in the book, putting it into his backpack before he glanced at his phone, considering how to approach this. he wanted to do it with the sensitivity and respect your confession deserved, understanding this was a big moment in your guys' relationship. it was the moment that determined so much about how you guys proceed.

he glanced at the time, knowing he wouldn't have time to hold such an important conversation with you. he could say he read the letter, but he didn't want to leave you hanging after telling you that. he wanted the time to talk with you, hear your thoughts and feelings all over again, and be able to express his feelings in return; all in real time. not over the course of a few hours or even a couple days. with a defeated sigh, he accepted his schedule had to come first, but he made a mental note to respond the moment his chaotic day was over.

and that's what he did. as soon as your phone buzzed, you immediately checked the notification, your heart skipping a beat as you see it's from san.

y/n, i read your letter. i just got done with my schedules and wanted to reach out to you when i had the time to give you my full attention.

your words mean so much to me. i've always deeply valued our friendship, and i still do. your words have made he realize our love goes beyond just physical attraction. the way your laughter lights up the room, the way we have always understood each other without saying a word, and so, so much more. i respect your identity as an asexual person, and i want you to know that my feelings for you are rooted in a very deep emotional connection. i know your sexuality changes a lot for you in regards to a relationship, but i'm willing to learn and explore those changes with you, for us. our connection is special to me, i'm so grateful to have you as a part of my life, no matter where our feelings take us. so if you want to give this a shot, i'm more than ready to be yours.

and those words were just the beginning. it took some time, but you and san have navigated all the aspects of being in a romantic relationship without sex being a part of it. you never knew such a thing would be possible for you, but you just got lucky to be with such an accepting, loving, and understanding man. and you couldn't be happier with where the both of you are now, as you kissed san on the cheek while the both of you were watching a movie together on the couch, simply enjoying the things about each other that you both did before, but now with a newfound appreciation and admiration for the relationship you both have together.

[shitpostingkats]

An Asexual's love letter to Good Omens 2

There's an infamous quote by Neil Gaiman going around, regarding the general vibe of season 2, and many people (I believe humorously) yelling that it could not be further from the truth. Particularly in the last episode, where that happens.

I disagree.

The final episode of season 2 was deeply, deeply comforting to me. 

I am asexual. Have been my whole life. Even before I had the words to describe what that was, child-me had this feeling in their gut of being an outlier, that everyone was exaggerating, or in on some joke, that I wasn’t privy to. Because I was bombarded on all sides by shows and movies and books, telling the same story of love, again, and again, and AGAIN. It’s drilled into our brains with the same fervor as the days of the week, or the quadratic formula. Meet-cute -> misunderstanding ->declaration of feelings ->kiss. More or less steps can be added to account for runtime or complexity of narrative, but that’s the basic structure that a relationship follows. It MUST be, because that’s the formula every character who's ever been in a story goes through, often times when it even feels like an add-on, like it’s only there because this is a story, there HAS to be a romance. And it has to follow the steps.

For a long time, I felt love wasn’t for me, because if there’s only one way to be in love, I sure as hell wasn’t feeling it. 

Instead, the relationship I ended up in looked a lot like what Beezlebub and Gabriel go through. Meeting someone routinely until it starts to feel comfortable. Getting to know them and slowly growing more attached. Eating chips and listening to music.

We like to joke whenever someone asks us how long we’ve been together, because the answer is we just sort of slowly fell into it, and we honestly don’t know when the line got blurred between ‘friends’ and ‘partners’. And, at least for me, a good deal of that confusion, that hesitancy to label, came from the fact that what I was feeling, what we were, couldn’t be love. It couldn’t be romantic. 

We were just quiet and gentle.

And that wasn’t love.

Because it was slow, because it wasn’t physical, because there was no structure aside from consistency and companionship. Because it didn’t follow the Rules.

Then I found myself in stories, and it felt like a revelation.

Beelzebub and Gabriel aren’t the first time I’ve seen a love like I feel represented in a narrative, but it never stops feeling special. And I don’t know if I’ll ever stop celebrating it.

Throughout the sequence in the pub, I kept expecting them to “confirm” Gabriel and Beelzebub. A dramatic line, a kiss, a whatever. That’s what I’ve been taught to expect, after all, that’s the only way a relationship is “real”. Of course, this doesn't mean Crowley and Aziraphale sharing a dramatic kiss is wrong, or that I can’t see why it resonated with so many people, but for me. Those moments in the pub are worth so much more.The last scene might have been literally showstopping, but those handful of moments between the duke of hell and an archangel were the beating heart of the season for me. A simple love story in four scenes. No kisses. No ‘I love you’s. Not even any definition of what. The love Gabriel and Beelzebub have is strong enough for them to both want to shatter their worlds and flee their lives and it's just. 

It's just that. 

Two people in a pub, playing the other's favorite song, giving a little gift, buying a packet of crisps. 

That sequence means far more to me than any kiss ever could.

Love isn’t only real when it's hot and sudden and ephemeral, it can also be

Quiet.

And gentle.

And still romantic.

Still real.

[lastoneout]

I def agree that Nimona's story was a major trans allegory for sure, but also as a queer person in general the whole "maybe I wouldn't die, but I sure wouldn't be living" thing resonated so hard, and like especially as a bisexual person.

Cuz being bi+ there's a lot of pressure from both sides to pick one, either be gay or be straight, and it gets way worse when we're in a relationship, bcs people will say shit like "oh well you're a woman dating a man, so you're straight now, why do you keep talking about being bi?" or vice-versa, like people don't understand why recognizing my indentity is important outside of the context of a relationship, and it's so frustrating bcs yeah like, maybe from the outside it looks like I'm straight, and maybe I could just be quiet and ignore my identity and I'd wouldn't die, but...I wouldn't be living.

And it was wild too bcs a few months back I was talking with my fiancé, who's also bi, and kinda venting cuz I'd seen some of that kind of biphobia in the wild and it'd upset me, and I remember saying something so similar. Like "I could probably just shut up and pretend I'm not bisexual, but that would feel like a death, like some part of me had died, I wouldn't be able to really live" so to hear Nimona say basically the exact same thing? Instant tears. I've never felt more understood.

And even with the other parts of myself, being asexual and trying to figure out what sort of relationship I want to have to my gender, so often I see people say stuff like "why do you have to tell other people that you're ace" and "if you're not going to transition at all why does your gender identity matter" and it's like because this is my authentic self and expressing that is the only way I can feel like my life is worth living!!

It's just so nice to hear that put into words, and I have a feeling a lot of queer people of all identities could relate in that moment, bcs we all hear the refrain of "why can't you just keep this to yourself and pretend you're normal" over and over again from ignorant people, some who mean well and some who very much Do Not, and Nimona is right! Maybe some of us wouldn't die outright, but for a lot of us a life spent hiding who we are, stuffing ourselves in boxes for the comfort of others, trying desperately to seem normal, it simply isn't a life where we're truly living.

Anyway rambling over, this movie is just so good and so queer and ough I can't stop crying about it T-T

[twig-tea]

With 23.5 finally coming out, the people are rejoicing at finally getting a high profile gl from GMMTV. But there have already been several gls airing this year, including my fav TsukuTabe, that have been flying under the radar with fandom, and in general there are more gls already out there than folks seem to think. I just know you have a list of all the gls we should be watching, please share with the class!

Thank you for the ask! How did you know I had a draft of GL recs to make at some point? [Trick question, I mentioned it to you.]

It may seem like I'm out here hating on GL because i've made a couple of negative reviews of recently airing series recently (Love Senior and Chaser Game W in case you're curious) but I actually have lots of GL that I love and that I wish were better known! Thanks for sending this ask so I am inspired to actually finish it! I've limited myself to series so that I could keep the list and this post to a reasonable length. Where possible I've listed where you can find each of these and included a link. And I've included an 'elevator pitch' summary but I am NOT in marketing for a reason, so please don't roast me too hard for my terrible comparisons. Alright, enough waffling!

Twig's GL Rec List

She Loves to Cook and She Loves to Eat S1 & 2 (Japan, 2022 & 2024, both seasons fansubbed by @furritsubs; if you need help accessing this show feel free to DM me!)

Elevator pitch: Our Dining Table with lesbians and an even slower burn. Watch for beautiful food, acespec rep, mental health and therapy rep

What might turn some off: Extremely low heat, and quite slow-moving; warning for a disordered eating and family trauma plot (v gently handled)

Let's start with the one you've already mentioned. This is a heartwarming slice-of-life slow burn in which an autismspec-coded woman who likes to eat is invited by her neighbour, a femme acespec woman who loves to cook, to come and eat her food. It starts from a very practical place (when you love making food you need someone to help eat it), but their relationship grows as they spend more time together. The story follows them as they both move towards self-actualization in several ways: as a lesbian, as asexual, at work, with their families, with their friends, with each other. This show is so careful to say the important words aloud. And there is so much delicious cooking! Each episode highlights a particular recipe, and the food porn is real. Do not watch while hungry, but definitely watch. The found famiy vibes in this one one are also immaculate.

She Makes My Heart Flutter (Korea, 2022, YouTube)

Elevator pitch: Younger lesbian friend group tries to help out (slightly) older lesbian bar owner with mixed success. I can't think of a good BL equivalent, The Moment Since feels the closest with its similar bartender/patron romance

What might turn some off: Comedic tone; short runtime; struggles with being closeted

This is a gem of a miniseries about a bar owner and an interior designer who smoulder at one another while an intrepid group of younger bar regulars (including the bar owner's neice) meddle. This series is really cute, solid, and full of sapphics! Once again found family vibes are immaculate (you may sense a theme in my faves). Run don't walk.

Fragrance of the First Flower (Taiwan, 2021, GagaOOLala)

Elevator pitch: Right-person-wrong-time/second chance romance; tonally is a little like We Best Love 2: Fighting Mr. 2nd but with an ambiguous ending.

What might turn you off: Medium heat, second chance romance means they break up once, internalized homophobia, adultery/cheating, at one point there's a creepy dude, child with autism (depicted well), ambiguous ending

At its core this is a story of a woman who can't stop getting in the way of her own happiness. This series is a little more sad than the rest of this rec list but I couldn't not include it because this relationship is so poignant. Plus there's a s2 that supposedly is to come out in 2024 so maybe we'll get our happy ending after all?

Love Greater Than or Equal to 70 Degrees C (Korea, 2019, YouTube)

Elevator pitch: Ingredients but with lesbians staring at one another over beautiful tea pairings! What more could you ask for?

What might turn you off: Low heat; short runtime; ambiguous ending; like Ingredients this is essentially a long ad for the café it's filmed at.

This is a Korean miniseries about passionate tea sommeliers making really fancy tea while staring at one another a LOT. Perfect sapphic representation, 10/10 no notes. This one packs a lot of the drama tropes into its short runtime, so even though it's short it's full of butterfly-inspiring moments.

Sleep With Me (Philippines, 2022, GagaOOLala/iWantTFC/Netflix w/VPN set to Philippines)

Elevator pitch: The Truth About Cats and Dogs but the self esteem issues are handled without catfishing. BL equivalent: Hmmm. Closest I can think of is Gaya Sa Pelikula.

What might turn you off: There's some ableism (treated as such) in this show; Open ending.

Stellar GL between a late night radio DJ and an insomniac who listens to her show. One of the main couple is a wheelchair user and the show tackles ablelism and navigating disability in relationship as well as feelings of inadequacy in a relationship and how that manifests as interpersonal conflict.

Our Relationship Ended Before it Began (Korea, 2022, YouTube)

Elevator Pitch: Along the lines of I Cannot Reach You; the show gives both perspectives and they are held back by queer angst.

What might turn you off: No kiss (but they make it very clear both want to kiss), internalized homophobia

Really sweet miniseries about having a crush and being afraid of being hurt so you don't actually make a move. I really like the way the girl who has not dated a girl before defaults to gender roles and it throws the more experienced lesbian lol I also really like the way this show makes clear that both of them are waiting for a kiss, and that if you get in your head about things, it can get in the way of your own happiness!

Pearl Next Door (Philippines, 2020, Youtube)

Elevator Pitch: Gameboys but with lesbian vloggers.

What might turn you off: Love triangle, lots of teasing but low heat in the end, a lot of (good) conversations about mental health issues, ambiguous ending

This is the GL spinoff to Gameboys, starring Pearl from Gameboys. Pearl ends up being fought over by the two gorgeous women in the gif, an old love and a new. I love the queer friendships in this story as much as the relationships. I will say it's an open ending (that felt a bit like the showrunners didn't want to decide between ships) and definitely the love triangle features prominently but even in the face of these aspects that would normally turn me off a series I had a good time. The characters and interpersonal conflicts feel very real, and are allowed to be complex even when the show tone is comedic.

Dear Uranus (Taiwan, 2021, YouTube)

Elevator Pitch: Schoolgirl ensemble GL; a little like My School President but without the singing.

What might turn you off: Short runtime; ambiguous ending; a little bit of bullying; very standard romance trope execution

The first Taiwanese GL miniseries, this series was produced by a Taiwanese lesbian couple (Rabbit & Wolf)! Lots of excellent drama tropes, and incredibly gorgeous women (I think the entire watching audience fell in love with Erol.

Lily Fever (Korea, 2015, YouTube)

Elevator pitch: Complete crack; YYY but with more kissing and frankly an even less coherent story.

What might turn you off: The lack of coherent plot; less a romance and more a very thirsty lesbian kissing everyone she can

This miniseries is utter chaos. Nothing really makes sense, it's all just random excuses to cause very suggestive moments (and kissing) to happen. I love so much how this series depicts women being so absolutely thirsty for one another (and yes that date isn't a typo, this series is ~9 years old). Not an "happy ever after" ending but it really isn't that kind of story.

Chasing Sunsets (Philippines, 2020, YouTube)

Elevator pitch: Ocean Likes Me with lesbians. Resort romance with a mental health twist.

What might turn you off: Some of the mental health stuff gets intense, this was filmed in 2020 so the pandemic features heavily; hopeful but slightly ambiguous ending.

A complex story from the Philippines covering mental health and finding yourself. A woman shows up to a resort and befriends one of the women running the resort. They get closer as they spend time together, and the resort owner realizes something is off. There's also a BL side couple in this series.

Show Me Love (Thai, 2023, YouTube)

Elevator pitch: A little like My Day the series with lesbians, in that they work together and fall in love and it's full of tropes

What might turn you off: The advertising for the Miss Grand competition, there is some bullying and cheating (though way less than I was expecting tbh), not a lot actually happens, the editing gets a bit wonky at the end

This is essentially a massive ad for the Miss Grand Thailand competition; this GL was produced by the same company that produces that competition, and the stars are mostly Miss Grand competitors. The main pairing were shipped in the actual competition, and the company decided to make a GL about them. It's very slow paced and low-stakes, and there are better kisses than I expected considering everything I just said about where this show came from. There are a lot of cute moments!

Girlfriend Project (Korea, 2022, YouTube)

Elevator Pitch: Love Class with lesbians

What might turn you off: One of the leads is kind of mean in that pgitail-pulling way? It ends abruptly (but happily)

This is a short miniseries about two girls paired in a class that are assigned to "date". The chemistry is chemistrying. And there is a kiss (a good kiss, and a tiptoes kiss at that!). This show also has one of my favourite tropes, in which someone who seems like a pushover stands up for themselves and their partner finds it very attractive. For the record, in this show they are watching another GL by the same company, Love Tech.

Lulu (Philippines, 2022, Vivamax/grey)

Elevator Pitch: Present Perfect with lesbians (but with a better ending).

What might turn you off: Depictions of panic attacks, brief depiction of drowning, pandemic lockdowns, illness, exes, waffling, happy but open ending (which I actually liked for this story)

Two women trying to move on from the garbage in their lives meet at the beach of a B&B (where one saves the other from drowning) and become one another's company during their escape and then something more. They both have baggage that seems determined to keep them apart even as they continue to be drawn together. In the end, they decide to stick it out and see where they end up, with no guarantee of happily ever after, which I found very sweet. Requires either a VivaMax account or searching the grey for it, but it's worth the effort (check MyDramaList comments for suggestions on where to find it). Plus one of the leads has a cactus as a pet.

Welcome to the Lesbian Bar (Korea, 2023, YouTube)

Elevator Pitch: A little like Fudanshi Bartender but without the fudanshi bartender and all of the bar patrons are lesbians lol

What might turn you off: Short, can get a little bit preachy, abrupt ending

Cute short series with different very stories every episode as different patrons visit the bar. The stories range from women who have been together for awhile, to people meeting from an online app for the first time, to someone visiting a lesbian bar for the first time; and yet the story all weaves together in a way that's satisfying though ends abruptly. Includes some solid marriage equality propaganda.

GAP the Series (Thai, 2022, YouTube)

Elevator Pitch: Kind of the vibes of Together with Me but lesbians and in an office instead of school. Angry boss falls for charming new intern and

What might turn you off: This one is the highest heat of all these recs; homophobia especially amongst family, brief depictions of death by car, brief mentions of suicide, cheating, bullying, abuse of power in the office.

A list would not be complete without this one! Honestly the plot is a bit wobbly but the show is a lot of fun. The girls are very cute, the feelings and tension builds really well between them, the friend group is excellent, and in the special we get a wedding.

---

The rest of these have caveats of one kind or another, but i couldn't leave them off a rec list, so here are the side couples and censored stories that are still worth your time anyway (I might do a separate more detailed post for these, as well as for films, one day if there's interest):

Nevertheless (GL side; Korean, 2021, Netflix) Not sure it's worth watching a whole kdrama for side lesbians? Search soljiwan on youtube. They are great. Even the Netflix account stans them. I watched this (ngl, I watched the SolJiwan cut) as it aired and was constantly braced for it to let us down but it did not! A really good friends-to-lovers story.

Friend Zone 2: Dangerous Area (GL side; Thailand, 2019, YouTube): These sapphics are messy and I love them. Decent conversation about dating someone with mental health issues in this series, and they're one of the only couples in this ensemble to get a happy ending. If you're just watching the lesbian couple (which you can, their story is pretty self-contained) you don't need to have seen s1.

Six Survivors (GL side; Japan, 2022, Viki) This show is a horror comedy and it is SO MUCH FUN. Warning for zombies and blood, but way less than you might think. One of the eponymous 6 survivors is a lesbian who keeps trying to convert them to veganism lol. If you watched Chaser Game W you'll recognize one of the actresses in this, the lead actress is from Kamisama no Ekohiiki, and one of the guys is from the prequel series His as well as I Want to See Only You! And yes there is a kiss. Also a surprising number of Mallrats references. Not for people who can't handle gore or relationships being complicated/not a "true love" story/ambiguous ending.

Kamisama no Ekohiiki (complicated question of is it GL in parts, Japan, 2021, furritsubs once again coming through to save the day) This one is a bit complex because there's bodyswap, but the girl who falls for the bodyswapped boy-in-a-girl's-body is clear that she is only interested in the girl. One of the better bodyswap stories because the bodyswap is not a secret for very long, so instead there's a lot of introspection about what gender means and who/what they are attracted to. Feels wrong to call this GL, necessarily, but it's very queer.

Couple of Mirrors (Censored GL, China, 2021, Viki) Story of a rich girl and her assassin girlfriend. This production did an amazing job getting away with what they could, just don't watch the last five minutes and we've got essentially a happy lesbian family.

Legend of Yunze (Censored GL, China, 2021, @douqi7s) Very cute very low budget xianxia miniseries with two seasons and a special. The special is set in modern times in a future lifetime so if you want a cute censored-but-clearly-a-soulmate-love-story this is the one for you. Don't be thrown off by the weird cuts/abrupt episode endings, that's in line with cdramas in general.

Led Astray by Love (Censored GL, China, 2021, @douqi7s) A very fun and adorable isekai story in which a modern day girl is transported to a wuxia novel setting and has to figure out how to get home, and gets romanced by the princess along the way.

And a few additional links for people who even more content:

My Indian sapphic webseries rec list

My suggestions for content with toms (Thai category that's similar to but not exactly the same as butch lesbians) in response to this post.

This really good GL MyDramaList list (not made by me!) lists what seems to be everything I've mentioned and about 200 more. Even I haven't seen a few of these!

My YouTube playlist of sapphic content: This includes anything I stumble across or find in my searches, a lot of music videos and random shorts as well as some microseries and miniseries that I don't consider GL but are WLW/sapphic in addition to true "GL" content. For serialized content, I add just the first ep. A complete mess, but you can trawl through to find stuff to watch, like Hetero!

SOONOTSUE: The same producers of She Makes My Heart Flutter have other short series on their channel worth checking out; if you liked that one, try Out of Breath!

Shakeshoulder: Thai YouTube producers of very pulpy (read: low budget and dramatic plots) shorts

FuFuKnows: This YouTube channel is owned by a gay Taiwanese couple that produces shorts every week, including some with GL mains and sides. These are very low budget but cover a whole swath of queer themes.

@douqi7s is a godsend providing subtitles for all kinds of content, including sapphic shorts and more series than I've listed here. Check their tumblr for links to all of their content; A Practical Guide to Being a Superstar's Assistant has one of the best setups to giving us great moments in the guise of something else so that they get past censorship I've ever seen; I also recommend The Vampires if you're into genre fiction, as well as Legend of Yunqian if you enjoyed the xianxia parts of Legend of Yunze. @wlwcatalogue did an excellent summary of many of the non-wuxia options here.

Quick pitch for the streaming platform GagaOOLala; it's affordable, has a ton of content, including a whack of GLs (originals, license series, and a ton of shorts), and is run by queer people out of Taiwan who care about good quality queer content being made and having an audience, and using the soft power from those successful series to support social change. And if you can't afford a subscription it's worth checking out what they have for free, they open up temporary free access to some things for various events throughout the year.

In searching for gifs for this post I found fellow tumblr user @drowningparty 's WLW compendium list; they've listed more series and films so check it out if you still need more content!

*wipes sweat off brow* that should be enough to be getting on with, but it's really just the tip of the iceberg! If there's something specific you want to see with sapphics let me know and I can tell you if I know it exists. Anyway, I hope this gives you and everyone else a taste of what all is out there! I of course always want more, I am serious about being a sapphic dragon hoarding every crumb i can get my lizardy hands on, but I do think what we have should also be appreciated more. If I missed one of your faves, please tell me!

[charmwasjess]

It’s curious to me to see fans (and more importantly creators) talk about Jedi critical views as partly sourced from their own damaging experiences with religious institutions. I’ve been thinking a lot about this since The Acolyte, and asking myself why, as a person with a dump truck load of reeking religious trauma in my history, I have such good associations with the idea of the Jedi - specifically with them as a faith-based institution. 

Note: These are my reflections based on my experiences with my specific religious community in a time and a place. This is not an attack on faith groups more broadly, nor an argument people are wrong for not liking or liking the Jedi based on their own religious experiences. I’m just sharing about my life. 

My trauma, specifically, so be nice to me.

Until the age of 17, I was raised in a corrupt, fundamentalist evangelical institution which controlled every aspect of my development: church, my social life, and my education. When I say corrupt, I’m not throwing words around lightly. I mean leaders in my community ended up being prosecuted and my “school” got ultimately shut down. 

I’ve found it often easier to be funny about this period of my life, to tell sarcastic stories about the ridiculousness of my schooling: the weekly literal 9 hours of Bible classes, or later, my college friends needing to teach me basics so I wouldn’t fail rudimentary science courses because “the Bible was our science textbook” for my entire education. Easier to laugh than to acknowledge the fact that for most of my life, I was stuck in an abusive, evil cult that attempted to ingrain misogyny, xenophobia, and homophobia, and taught me lies about basic history and science.

During that time, the prequel films came out. I got into Star Wars, particularly the Jedi stories. Okay, I was obsessed, with a kind of frenzied desperation. I saw the Jedi Order as the antithesis of my own toxic community rather than a reflection of it. While I was living in a repressive, rule-based culture that sought to control every smallest detail of my life and my choices didn’t matter, I saw the Jedi Order as a route of imaginary escapism, partially because of the strong contrast between the depiction of Jedi faith and my own community.

I remember needing to read a few forbidden secular books (aka classic literature) for my senior year literature college prep course. (The AP test was used by colleges, not controlled by my school, so it had things on it I wasn't allowed to read.) I was only allowed access to Dostoevsky’s Crime and Punishment because a school board member had gone through every copy the school had and used a sharpie to mark out any word, or in fact, any idea that she found personally problematic to the faith. I read that book like a blackout poem. 

The difference between that kind of suppression and control, and Palpatine’s sneering implication of the Jedi Order keeping secrets, “It’s not a story the Jedi would tell you,” felt like night and day. 

Even the Jedi concept of chosen celibacy felt quite different from the enforced abstinence which would end only when my sexual autonomy would be turned over to a future husband for his use. Such depictions of chosen celibacy (and later, asexuality, though thankfully I was out of the community by the time they got ahold of that one) were condemned as a perversion of God’s intended purpose for the body, no different from the dreaded homosexuality or masturbation.

And let me tell you, contrary to sympathizing with a fictional depiction of a like-mindedly-restrictive faith group, the leaders in my church really hated the concept of the Jedi. Partially, this was part of a larger rejection of fantasy media - the decade of hyperpopular Harry Potter saturation and a growing perception among my religious authorities that normalizing magic and witchcraft and other gods, and engaging with such genre of fiction would offend the jealous real-life higher power we served. Those of you who knew me back then can go back to my old teen account and see me lowercasing the word to “force” lest I offend the one true God.

But I mean the theology of it, too. It’s hard to overstate how popular and culturally present the prequel trilogies were when I was growing up. I absolutely sat through sermons that critically referenced Star Wars as anti-Christian and documented the differences. I was preteen and teenager in this era - youth messages were targeted around media that my age group consumed. Star Wars was everywhere: on cereal covers, on pizza boxes, on the back of Pepsi cans. 

I think another thing that’s sometimes forgotten is how political the prequel trilogies were at the time. Attack of the Clones came out on the onset of the Iraq War and the Patriot act - Palpatine’s assumption of emergency powers in a time of orchestrated “crisis” felt deeply relevant and deliberate. My community was right-wing conservative, the evangelical base that would evolve into the Christofacist Trump alt-right. For that reason, it was also anathema.

I think most importantly, when my access to secular peers was entirely restricted, I was able to make friends online who also loved the Jedi Order. That was such a strong antidote for both the ignorance about the world that I was deliberately taught, and the teenage loneliness that my church-school institution weaponized. None of that has anything to do with the depictions of Jedi faith as restrictive or not, but it feels significant. It was the love of a story that brought me community, when the other story that might’ve brought me community came with a barbed wire fence around my personal autonomy and very identity.* 

I hope I don’t sound like I’m attacking people who DO have a gut reaction against the Jedi because of religious trauma. (Or indeed people who are Christian - obviously my community was an incredibly fucked up outlier.) Really, we’re the same people, dealing with the same issues in different ways. I’ve healed a lot since I was a miserable thirteen year old taking solace in my Star Wars books and fanfics, but there are still some religious-affiliated things I just need to avoid - I don’t enjoy documentaries about church cults ala Under the Banner of Heaven, or stories like The Handmaids Tale. I don’t judge anyone for taking a look at a series centering around a religious order and needing to nope out of that part. 

But I do wish Star Wars creators weren’t working through their own issues by using the Jedi Order as their avatar for all religious institutional evil, because to some of us, it was, and remains, a very healing space for exactly that kind of damage.

*Ironically, my cluelessness about what being queer actually meant really shielded me from a lot of the homophobia. I wasn’t one of those "evil gays"; I just, unrelatedly, wanted to fuck girls as well as guys.

[mimzy630]

Today, October 18th, I'm saying happy birthday to my favorite Psyncer, Kuruto Ryuki!

The incredible @vividcitrus illustrated my transmasc Ryuki headcanon comfortably showing top surgery scars on the beach!

More on my story below the cut :)

Ryuki is absolutely the Psyncer I see myself in the most. I love all the Psyncers and really tons of the characters in AI: THE SOMNIUM FILES and nirvanA Initiative dearly, but Ryuki is the closest one I have to a kin.

When I first met him upon starting the game, I resonated immediately; he plays the somewhat asexual-coded straight-man to Tama's sexy routine which immediately endeared me, and his fluctuations between needing to prove himself and be the one to solve the case to being severely depressed at not being good enough... Yeah! No, hello, that's me lol.

I wasn't really a part of his little fanclub before release, but oh boy did I fall hard and fast for the scuffly little cutie, and that love only grew stronger as the game went on- seeing Ryuki getting so absorbed in his job he forgets himself, seeing him so focused on one way to solve things that he has to make impossible choices, seeing him get paralyzed by choice when it matters most... Yeah! I mean yeah that's all me yeah. Not to his extreme levels of course but oh yeah no every scene with him only made me love him more.

He's just adorable... Ahhh I want to put my hands through his hair... Ahem, anyways, as soon as I finished the game I was like damn... I might have a kinnie... And I don't think I'm exactly a Ryuki Kin per-se, but I do very much see myself when I look at him.

I am also transmasc! Specifically, agender, but who knows where my journey will take me. I have a hard time struggling to think of what I want to look like; I don't have a real sense of identity much at all, let alone visual identity. Most of my self-image is a big ole void.

But I know there are certain parts of me I'd love removed LOL to I reached out to m, the artist, and we chatted- I've always had a soft spot for transmasc Ryuki and been kinda hoping someone would draw him someday, so fuck it, I decided I make it happen myself. In the process of this commission, I forced myself to really think about how I'd want to look, how my scars would look, if I wanted nipple grafts, etc., and m was super happy to work with me on all of that!

The final version, with the more understated scars following the natural curve of the pecs that go from below the armpit to mid chest and no nipple grafts, makes me actually feel good... Like, hey, maybe someday I too could be topless on a beach, smiling and confident... It's a far-off dream that I have to save a lot for, but hey... That murky swirling void in my head has cleared up just a little bit, enough for me to be able to see a happier future for myself, and that's everything really.

I know I'll never look like Ryuki exactly, there are a lot of obstacles to this, but at the very least, when I find money and a surgeon, I can say "that. That's how I want to look, and that's how I'd feel looking like that." Which is more than I've ever been able to do! Dysphoria is my constant companion, but euphoria tends to elude me... @vividcitrus turned the tables on that!

[the-modern-typewriter]

Just wanted to say thank you so, so much for writing Fate's Favourite. I actually found and loved your blog before I ever found that fanfic, and it was a delight to know it was written by you, and it's so clear how you've improved. But Fate's Favourite will always have a part of my heart, because it's the first story I've read that just has a platonic friendship that feels as equal as a romantic one without being romantic? And as a lonely aroace that means everything. EVERYTHING. (1/2)

(2/2) I had a conversation today that reminded me that I'm never going to have the queerplatonic relationship I want that I've always wanted since I was a child, and how it makes me want to write one so much more, but then I've never managed to write the story I've wanted to write my entire life because I'd always be afraid of being accused of queerbaiting or people just going, 'but it's actually just a gay romance this isn't what friendship looks like' and just. Thank you for Fate's Favourite.

--

Wow. FF is a blast from the past!

You are very welcome.

Apologies for the long, self-indulgent reply.

That story was one of the first things I ever properly wrote and my first (maybe second?) truly long-form story ever. I thus have a soft spot for it, even though in terms of craft and technique I can't so much as look at it without seeing all my numerous beginner flaws and cringing and can't bring myself to actually point people to it. Much improvement since then, as you say!

(An excellent reminder that writing is a learned skill.)

Anyway. The other interesting thing about that story is that I wrote it before I'd ever heard of asexuality or realised that was what I was. I was a very confused teenager being bombarded with this pressure to have crushes and date people and all that general societal messaging we have about romance being the most important thing ever. Especially in YA.

So I'd go home after school and write that story.

Obviously it's more unhealthy than what I'd want for myself in my real life, but the sheer intensity of feeling and importance of the platonic main relationship was something I had also never seen before but craved. And still crave, honestly. So I feel ya.

As for queerbaiting...

A lot of readers at the time told me they viewed the story as 'pre-romance'. AKA, it's a romantic relationship and they haven't realised it yet for whatever reason. They mostly didn't mean that badly, I don't think.

(Although I sometimes think though that if the term 'queerbaiting' was as broadly known and misused then as it is now that I would have been mercilessly lambasted out of ever writing again! And I wouldn't have known how to articulate the fact that wasn't, actually, what I was doing. I think we need to be kind to new writers. I think 'content creator' is gutting something vital in the ecosystem. But that's another rabbit hole.)

So I've been there. It happens. But other people's bad takes didn't change the story and what it meant to me as a lonely ace teenager or what it meant to you.

I have had readers before make a similar comment to you about how it was the first time they got to see something so important to their heart portrayed.

That matters so much more than whatever people say about your writing who don't need it.

Which is why we have to keep writing the stories.

Even if it's clumsy and raw. Even if it's the first thing you've ever tried. Even if it's (especially if) it's a messed up fantasy straight from the most primal part of your brain.

If we don't write it, it won't exist.

And that's so much worse.

The nay-sayers can come to the party, but it wasn't thrown in their honour.

[bloggingboutburgers]

First of, I'm a big fan of your work. I love your comics and art and was happy to hear about the engagement 😁

As for my question, I love writing stories and creating OCs/characters. In your recent comic you called out that the only ace/aro rep always seems to be "the creator said so on Twitter" (a problem with a lot of rep. in media).

So I was curious, if I wanted to create an aroace character (and write a story with them), how could I naturally show them being aroace? Do you perhaps have any idea?

Thank you so much for the kind words!^^

Arguably my complaints are ironic because I myself haven't done proper aroace rep in my own fiction thus far – though I guess I'm compensating for that with my current comics, haha 🙈 But also, I've said it before and I'll say it again cus I'm annoying like that – Bojack Horseman did it, in my opinion, so that gives the rest of the media less excuses I guess.

So, again these are my personal views, and they're possibly demanding, but this would be my checklist for ideal aroace rep:

The aro/ace character needs to... BE a character. Actually have arcs, that matter within the story. Whether they're about being asexual or not doesn't really matter as long as THEY matter as a character.

...Ngl I feel they need to matter BEFORE they're revealed as aro/ace too, and obviously after. If they don't, they'll just feel like a placeholder who's just there to tick a box to me.

The fact that they're aro/ace needs to be addressed and not pushed under the rug or left up to interpretation. Leaving things up to interpretation will have so many people interpret them as allo for sure (just like in real life). And conversely, saying they're aro/ace may spark some curious questions and possibly awkward conversations (just like in real life). (...Again tbh Bojack Horseman was great at doing it naturally. The confusion from the ace character themself, the ace character's friend assuming they're gay because yeah that always happens, the MC having a friendly yet clueless "haha you're lucky that'd save me so many problems if I didn't have sexual attraction"... I could go on.)

By that I also mean... Actually NAMING the orientation at some point. If it's not named people who consume the media and don't know such an orientation exists will be none the wiser. (I'm guilty of that myself tbh. In one of my webcomics I had an alloaro character but never had the orientation mentioned within the story, I left it at showing he has sex and him having a conversation with his family explaining he doesn't have a favorite person because he just can't, but I feel like that's not enough, and I've been feeling a bit bad about it.) A good way of bringing that up fairly naturally would be to have the character figure out their orientation within the story, as a way to have the audience learn alongside them; but it could also be played for drama, which I don't think I've ever seen and would like to dabble with myself at some point – like, imagine you have a friend you hold dear who's key to your personal development and suddenly you find out they see you as sex / romance prospects and not as a friend like YOU do? That'd be crushing but that could definitely make for a good conflict. I should try writing that. I'm rambling anyway. Bleh.

Another thing that, to me, is key to the aro/ace experience is that the character may have some moments of questioning their place in the world. Our world is obsessed with sex and romance and fiction exacerbates that to the point where some characters barely even exist if they don't have romance. This could range from "Do I NEED to even identify myself as something" (again, Bojack Horseman did that great) to "Friendship is the most important relationship to me but not to my friends, what if they all abandon me once they find the one person they consider 'more important'". I dunno. I feel like there could be some interesting storylines there. I definitely would love to dabble into that myself a bit more, though I lack the time and talent – those concepts and the lack of things that are done with it live in my head rent-free.

...Actually I feel it could be good to show aro/ace characters as full of heart (if it fits their personality), having their own feelings and emotions outside of the usual romance spectrum, to show that they're just as human and compelling as the other characters. (...AGAIN Bojack Horseman did that great imo, I feel bad that I'm only ever quoting that show but that's still the best example I can ever think of.) Like – betrayal, loneliness, grief, kinship, literally ANY other form of love than romantic love... We feel all of those too (aside from people who don't experience any form of attraction at all, in fairness), and those deserve to be addressed in stories just as much (if not more) than the pining or simping that's kinda everywhere.

Oh yeah and speaking of being human... Yeah, human. We need more human aro/ace characters. Making it so that only the aliens/gods/demons/robots/whatever are ever allowed to be aro/ace only serves to dehumanize these orientations.

...IIIII think that's it. I might be forgetting some things I'd wanna add on later but I think that covers everything that would make for ideal rep in my own opinion

[quitealotofsodapop]

Knowing Zu Baije he'd look at Ao Lie's pbvious favoritism and assume the guy has a crush on Wukong. To which both Wukong and Ao Lie give himself disgusted looks.

"Are you joking!? He's a carrying a pup! Thag clearly means he has someone else jn mind to help raise the baby." (Ao Lie knows and understands that it's asexual. He just also knows Wukong doesn't want that getting out)

"HEY! I have a mate, thank you very much! And he's a hell of a lot prettier than you!"

This is the first mention of Wukong having a significant other they get. Needless to say, they are very curious since all of them have heard legends and stories about Wukong or seen him in battle, but nothing to indicate he had a romantic partner. Quite the opposite, really.

And you know the dragon would loudly reinforced the fact that his and Wukong's friendship is pretty much fraternal. Ao Lie thinks Zhu Bajie is being gross - why wouldn't a dragon help out an expecting family member?

Ao Lie: "It's called *being a good person*. But you wouldn't know that, xiao-Zhu." Zhu Bajie: *ready to fist-fight a horse*

And of Wukong is embarassed by all the arguing "caused" by his condition.

He's also super sad that no one in the modern (ie Journey) era has heard of Macaque. The Six Eared Macaque, Great Sage Informing Wind? His right-hand warrior? His six-eared confidant? His equal on the battlefield? His moonlight? His plums?!

Wide-eyed, the two former-Celestials shake their heads in No. Honestly they're shocked that the dreaded, bloodthirsty Monkey King had a beloved spouse, as well as said spouse being his equal in battle.

Sha Wujing, awkwardly: "In the palace, there was rumours that you loved no one, or that you had a wife hidden away in your cave like some mountain troll. Sorry." Wukong, wistfully: "Really??? But.... me and Mac have been eachother's One and Only since long before I declared myself Great Sage. Why has history forgotten him?" Zhu Bajie: "I dunno. Maybe he died?" Wukong: *bursts out sobbing at the thought!!!* Ao Lie: "Dude! Uncool!" Tripitaka, moves to comfort Wukong: "Brother Pig! Don't be so crass!!" Zhu Bajie, unfazed: "Why? He probably did. He didn't get baked in the Furnace with the peaches, wine, and pills for 49 days. Odds are he isn't immortal." Wukong: "Shut up! Shut up!" *pulls out Staff and chases Bajie*

It was first of the many times Bajie would set off the hormonal, pregnant monkey.

[hauntedgrin]

An unnecessarily thorough analysis of the Tarot imagery in Merlin Season One by an amateur tarot reader

(who is also a hopeless romantic and is currently very affected by the disaster that is BBC Merlin)

I started watching Merlin around two months ago. I fell in love with the show instantly, even if I technically haven't finished it yet because of time reasons (though I did spoil myself everything right to the ending and I’m devastated. Still trying to find courage to start season 5. But that’s beside the point)

There was something in the first season that caught my eye and hasn't let me go since. In fact, I was thinking about it today, went on a search for discussions about it, fully under the assumption that this is something the fandom noticed long beforehand is a well-known fact. To my endless surprise, I’ve found no mention! Nada! Not a single one. That won’t do, I thought. I have to share with the people. It's something that fueled my conviction in Merlin the Show being a love story between Merlin and Arthur (whatever the nature of that love may be, I love both the platonic and romantic interpretation equally, though this specific instance could be leaning towards romance somewhat more, I'll explain it in a second) and here it is.

It's this scene.

It is Merlin and Arthur, facing each other with two cups in between them, trying to decide who is going to drink the poison, sacrifice himself and save the other. And I thought Oh my god, tarot symbolism.

That's the card, the Two of Cups. The similarities are obvious (and, in my opinion, very intentional. I’d like to kiss whoever came up with this specific creative decision)

Slight disclaimer: Tarot reading can be very subjective, meanings shift depending on the reader and their perception of the card. I’ll try to be objective with the main aspects of the cards, but there is a lot of subjective opinions too. It’s okay if you disagree)

The main meanings of this card are partnerships, loving relationships, mutual attraction, unity, harmony and, you guessed it!, soulmates. It’s not hard to see why that card would have been chosen to represent them. I think that’s the most outright the show’s ever been about calling them soulmates, without hiding behind labels such as ‘each other’s destiny’ and ‘two sides of one coin’ as if those are any less gay. There is also themes of equality and becoming one, mutual respect and, in certain cases passion and sexual attraction (though it’s not a definition that is applicable in all cases, and can absolutely be ignored for platonic or asexual relationships, it’s still one of the main aspects, given that its represented by, you know, the big red head of a lion with wings right at the top of the card. Can’t exactly forget about it.)

Personally I've always preferred the Two of Cups to The Lovers tarot card (which looks very similar and has some intersections in themes, also concerning love, intimacy, passion). Plus, The Lovers is part of the Major Arcana, so technically it should be more impactful, ‘epic’, someone said, divine. While doing some research into that distinction I've found why exactly it makes me a bit queasy. The Lovers are not always a card about love, in fact, more often it isn’t. And The Lovers aren't made for each other. That is to say, they obviously are, considering the entirety transparent Adam and Eve imagery (and this also makes it a more conservative card, with clear molds for a ‘traditional relationship’). The Lovers are brought together by a higher power, made for a purpose. It serves something. It is a message. It is a lesson. It's a choice between what you want and what you need. It is a partnership, often intense, out of this world, but it’s also about all the factors in between, the things that unite them, the snake, the temptation, the apple, the garden. It can be also about soulmates, and happy relationships, of course, about fated lovers… and mortal enemies. It actually is more in line with Merlin’s and Morgana’s relationship. Out of this world fated connection? Absolutely, guaranteed. Do you want that kind of connection though, really?

How is this relevant, you might be thinking?

Well, there is no such divine power pushing the couple portrayed by the Two of Cups. In fact, they are choosing each other. It’s only them and their union. That’s why I like it so much. They are only the way they are, not the way they are meant to be, not specifically made for each other and yet they are right for each other anyway. And, somehow, just being them is enough. Is that not love?

In Merlin we are told that Merlin and Arthur are a part of each other’s destiny. The Once and Future King and Emrys, his protector, uniting Albion, prophesized by some unnamed seer(s). Does not seem very much like a choice, does it? I guess it depends on the way you view the prophecy and destiny in the show. Is it really all inevitable, and destiny is set in stone, unable to be changed, all leading to the same end, no matter what you do? Or is it the choices themselves that are the constants, fixed in place by the prophecy fulfilling itself? I think the answers to those questions are entirely up to each viewer, and that we can only speculate on it, and never know for sure which was it. Maybe there isn’t a right answer at all. But what I do know is there was a choice Merlin and Arthur made. Let’s return to the imagery on the card..

The couple is exchanging the cups. They are not just toasting – they are performing a ritual, a ceremony. Like exchanging rings, like giving vows. It’s a promise, it’s a connection, it’s a new step, it’s a commitment. And the parallels of the scene in 1x11 don’t end with just imagery. Merlin and Arthur complete the ritual! In the show!

In the episode 1x04, The Poisoned Chalice, Merlin starts the ritual by drinking from Arthur’s poisoned goblet, which he does to protect him. I would also like to add that this is the first time Two Cups appear that season (that's twice they used the imagery), notably, two ceremonial goblets that are supposed to symbolize peace and partnership between two kingdoms. Even if it doesn’t represent the actual state of the two kingdoms, it definitely shows King Bayard’s genuine desire for a peaceful alliance. And Merlin drinks from one of them!

Merlin drinks poison for Arthur and in Labyrinth of Gedref, Arthur drinks ‘poison’ for Merlin in turn. Very unconventional way to get married, I must say, but it’s remarkable that they do it in the same way (even if not at the same time).

So. What does all of that tell us about Merlin and Arthur?

We’ve established that the card signifies a very close, strong and significant relationship, chosen by both parties. Again, I like that it emphasizes the choice, that they didn’t just fall into the friendship because of destiny (even if it aided them). The Two of Cups is a part of the Minor Arcana, which deals with the every day matters, earthly lives. Is that not fitting? Merlin didn’t choose The Once and Future King, he chose Arthur, and Arthur didn’t choose Emrys, he chose Merlin.

Merlin’s who been promised a peaceful future. A land where magic is free. Merlin, who knows what’s supposed to happen: The Once and Future King brings that future. The King dies. Merlin, who has a choice to bring that future. To save Mordred. To remove the ban on magic. He doesn’t choose that, he chooses to essentially destroy that future entirely, just so he can have Arthur.

Arthur, who values Merlin’s opinion above everyone else’s, Arthur on his deathbed, finally seeing Merlin for who he is, says, “I don’t want you to change, I want you to always be you,” Arthur, who is dying, a few steps from the chance being saved, (still too far, not enough time), decides to stop because in his last moments he just wants to be held by Merlin.

They chose each other.

And that’s, dare I say it, love.

[lauralot89]

Loveless

I'm late on this because the book was published in 2020, but I only heard about it in the last month when I was reading an article about asexuality in fiction but in case anyone is out of the loop like me let me tell you about this glory

Loveless is a YA novel by Alice Oseman, author of Heartstopper and Solitaire. It tells the story of Georgia Warr, freshman at Durham University, and her realization that while she's in love with the idea of romance, the actuality of a romantic/sexual relationship repulses her.

Alice Oseman herself is aroace, which makes perfect sense because throughout the novel I kept asking myself, "How does she know? How does she know?! How did she get these thoughts out of my head?"

for my fellow ace and/or aro people, let me quote some of the lines that just got me straight in the soul:

"I had a theory that a lot of people's "celebrity crushes" were just faked to fit in."

"I was disgusted by the thought of him near me. Wanting things from me. That wasn't normal, was it?"

"Oh, God, this thing is actually real, it's not just in fanfics and movies. And I'm supposed to be doing it too."

"Did I even know what romantic feelings felt like?"

"He was clearly the sort of person who I should like romantically. Who I could like romantically. He looked like a boyfriend. I loved his personality. I'd loved his personality for years. So I could fall in love with him. With a little bit of effort. Definitely."

"I thought I'd understood what all these romantic things would feel like--butterflies and the spark and just knowing when you liked someone. I'd read about these feelings hundreds of times in books and fanfic. I'd watched way more romcoms than was probably normal for an eighteen-year-old. But now I was starting to wonder whether these things were just made up."

"Straight people don't think shit like that."

"Just because I'd never liked anyone didn't mean I never would. Did it?"

"I thought all the movies were exaggerating, but you're all really out there just craving genitals and embarrassment. This has to be some kind of huge joke."

"How could I feel so sad about giving up these things that I did not actually want?"

"I felt like I was grieving. I was grieving this fake life, a fantasy future that I was never going to live."

"How was it fair that everyone got to feel that except me?"

"I never had any crushes when I was a child. Not any real ones, anyway. Sometimes I confused friendships for them, or just thinking a guy was really cool."

"For a long time, I was just dating and having sex because that's what people did. And I wanted to feel like those people."

"You've been so confused about stuff. You really thought we could be together, because you do love me. Not in a romantic way, but just as strongly."

"Oh. This is an asexual thing. I forgot other people are obsessed with having sex."

seriously the entire time I spent with this book I just kept asking "was this written for me specifically?" because that's exactly how it felt.

It is a gorgeous book that explores that bizarre feeling of not knowing the word for what you are, not even knowing that you are something out of the ordinary because we don't define ourselves by what we lack and we just expect that one day, it'll happen and we'll be like everyone else. That struggle of trying to differentiate between loving someone and being in love with them, and trying to make the former into the latter and hurting everything in the process.

It is so good. 10/10, no complaints

also there's an asshole in the university's queer pride group who doesn't think aces belong and everyone hates him so that's fantastic, aphobes fuck off

in conclusion I highly recommend it

[romisora]

Reflecting on Romeo and Alfredo's Relationship in Romeo's Blue Skies

This is going to be a very long post as I dig through years of interviews with the creators of the series and spend time reflecting on my own feelings since first seeing this show as a kid over ten years ago; I'm curious to see if there are any other queer fans who resonate with my experience. If you're just interested in reading the staff interview snippets, scroll towards the end.

TL;DR Romeo and Alfredo's feelings for each other were confirmed to be romantic in an interview with the director of the series in 2010.

For some background context, I first saw this series as a closeted queer kid. I had seen other media prior to this that were canonically queer on-screen, but had prevented myself from getting too invested in them. Deep down, it scared me that I was drawn to them and I was trying to convince myself that I wasn't like them. Also, I fall somewhere on the asexual and gray-romantic spectrum and as a result I never had much interest in romance-centered stories in the first place. However, something I didn't realize at the time there actually were types of romantic relationships that I desired, but there was an absence of me seeing them portrayed and allowing myself to be drawn to them.

When I first watched Romeo's Blue Skies, I was not prepared for how emotionally invested I became in the story, especially in the relationship between Romeo and Alfredo. I remember feeling confused why I was having feeling so many emotions while watching, and wondering why I was moved to tears over two fictional characters. At the time, I could tell it hit me on a deeper level than some people around me who I re-watched it with, and I was at a loss for what the reasons were. No piece of media had made me feel this deeply before, and few have come close since then. There's definitely a lot of other personal things about the story and characters that have grown with me over the years that contribute to how much I love this series as well, but Romeo and Alfredo were always at the heart of it. Back then, I tried to merely chalk up my feelings to the two characters having a beautiful friendship, one that I desired to have . . .

Years later, after I had figured out a lot more about my queer identity, I decided to revisit this show which had consistently been in my top 5 favorites even though I had not re-watched it in a very long time. Immediately, I started picking up on all the cues and realizing all the things about these two that had moved me and why it had been the case. The way they talked and supported each other, the way they thought each other, and the emotional intimacy between them. Regardless of anything that was stated on-screen, their connection felt incredibly romantic.

Something to keep in mind, I'm analyzing this series through the lens of the split-attraction model and am talking purely about romantic attraction here, not sexual attraction. If you are not familiar with the split-attraction model and different types of attraction, I recommend researching and reading about it. Being a kid on the asexual spectrum, I think it was precisely the innocence and pureness of Romeo and Alfredo's romantic attraction to one another that struck a chord with me. Additionally, being closeted, I believe on a subconscious level I resonated with the fact that these two were clearly in love with each other, but just like me, they did not understand it themselves either.

There were also a couple moments on my re-watch where my interest was piqued by dialogue nuances which were left out in the fansub translations.

From Episode 24, here Alfredo is saying "Romio ga inakucha dameda" (ロミオがいなくちゃだめだ。), which translates a bit closer to "I need you, Romeo," or "I can't do it without you, Romeo." However, depending on the context, this phrase can have a much stronger meaning, translating closer to "I can't live without you."

From Episode 26, although technically Alfredo is agreeing with Bianca here, his exact words are "Aa, subarashiiyo" (ああ、素晴らしいよ) which is "Yeah, he's wonderful."

Later in the same scene, Alfredo says to Bianca, "Omae mo itsuka kitto, Romio ga daisuki ni naru" (おまえもいつかきっと、ロミオが大好きになる。)

"Omae mo" which means "you too," what he's saying here is actually closer to "You too, will surely grow to like Romeo a lot someday." Potentially, there's a stronger undertone here which could be closer to "You too, will surely fall in love with Romeo someday."

"Daisuki ni naru" can mean either "fall in love with" or "grow to like a lot," and can be romantic or platonic depending on context. Bianca's reaction afterwards certainly feels rooted in the fact that his words fall in this gray area.

Ultimately, regardless if Romeo and Alfredo's relationship was not meant to be seen as romantic, it would not change the reasons why the series impacted me so much. However, on my recent re-watch, I couldn't help but wonder how much of it was intentional since so many creative choices in the show felt very deliberate. Alfredo's quickness to grab Romeo's hand, the gentle touches between them, the longing gazes, the promises, the daydreaming about each other when separated, how romantic the accompanying music tracks feel whenever they were together.

A side note here, two things about this situation can be true simultaneously. There can and should be more platonic male friendships with this level of emotional intimacy, and this should be more encouraged, accepted, and represented. At the same time though, there is no need to deny the queer-coding of these two characters. Both interpretations can exist alongside each other. After all, romantic or not, a huge part of their relationship is based on a strong foundation of friendship.

Somewhat related to this, I'd argue that a huge part of why the emotional chemistry between these two characters is so strong is because the story/script writer was a woman and they were both played by women. I joked to myself on my recent re-watch that Romeo and Alfredo have lesbian energy, and later realized that perhaps there were actual reasons why I was getting those vibes 😆

I have the 1996 Megu Extra artbook for the series I had picked up years ago. Since I had been recently been starting to study more Japanese, and Google Lens and DeepL have become pretty good at character recognition and translation, I started to casually read some of the staff interviews in the back of the book. My heart skipped a beat when I read this passage from the interview with the director, Kouzou Kusuba:

(scan of the page is edited to just show the relevant passage here)

Here's a translation I later got from a professional translator:

—It ended up becoming quite popular.

Kusuba: Contrary to my expectations… The fans are maniacs (laughs). Every work has its own fans, but for this one, it really did defy expectations. Well, I do understand the reason. I did depict Romeo and Alfredo in a homosexual-like way. Two men staring into each other’s eyes, or being quick to touch each other. Such depictions were not done previously in the Masterpiece series, and they were quite common here.

The vagueness here was what intrigued me, was he saying they were intentionally gay or just explaining why fans were interpreting them that way? He certainly did not seem to be outright denying the possibility.

I started digging deeper down the rabbit hole of interviews with the staff in various books over the years, burning with curiosity.

I found a couple more interesting vague allusions to the nature of Romeo and Alfredo's relationship in interviews with the script writer and voice actors in the 1996 Megu Extra art book and the 10th anniversary book.

From the 1996 Megu Extra interview with the script writer, Michiru Shimada. Translated with DeepL, edited for readability:

Interviewer: Please tell us about the process of adapting the original story into an anime.

Shimada: At first I thought the story would be a bit hard to follow. But as I worked on it, I think I was able to write something that I never thought I would be able to do. At first, I didn't think it would become this much of a friendship story between Romeo and Alfredo. Of course, I thought that would be the main theme and the climax of the story, but I feel that their friendship, or rather their relationship of trust, went further and further than I had expected.

From the 10th anniversary book interview with Michiru Shimada. Translated with DeepL, edited for readability:

Since I started using the Internet, I found out that "Romeo" had fans, and now that it has reached its 10th anniversary, it still has as many fans as ever. It's very surprising. I am deeply moved that 10 years have already passed, and at the same time, I am filled with gratitude that so many of you remember it. At the time of the broadcast, the ratings were low and I wondered if anyone was even watching the show. So I had no idea that there was a lot of talk among some fans about the relationship between Romeo and Alfredo being "suspicious" (laughs).

From the 10th anniversary book interview with Ai Orikasa and Toshiko Fujita, the voice actors of Romeo and Alfredo, respectively. Translated with DeepL, edited for readability:

Interviewer: So what "Romeo" depicts is the most important part, and in that sense, it is an eternal theme. Even when you grow up, you still think, "I want this kind of friendship," at the heart of it, don't you?

Orikasa: In some ways, it's ideal. I wish I had a friend like Alfredo…. Also, you are drawn to both the innocence of a boy like Romeo, whose hard work is beautiful, and the coolness and fragility of a brilliant but unfortunate boy like Alfredo.

Fujita: Even though they're just boys, there's a deep bond between them, like a romance, right? That's a big theme of Romeo and Alfredo's story.

Interviewer: What do you think is the secret behind Romeo and Alfredo's popularity?

Orikasa: Alfredo is unquestionably cool. Even being unfortunate has a kind of charisma…Romeo, on the other hand, is definitely a blank canvas. He's absorbing everything, but he's desperately trying to survive. He loves people desperately, he desperately wants to do something about it, and he can be clumsy or childish at times, but that's what makes him so charming. As for the relationship between the two, Romeo will never be able to live like Alfredo, and Alfredo will never have anything like Romeo, so they admire each other.

Fujita: I don't know which one of them is happier, but each of them has different qualities that they were born with or things that they acquired without realizing it. On the one hand, I feel like I have to protect them, but on the other hand, I also want to throw them away…That's why Romeo's blank canvas looks wonderful to Alfredo. Perhaps his canvas had been already painted over ever since he was born. They both have something wonderful from the start, but they're both attracted to what they don't have.

…It sounds like we're talking about a man and a woman (laughs).

Orikasa: That's really true. So, I'm sure the fans saw the two of them that way as well. But we were also laughing in the recording studio. There were long scenes where they stared at each other (laughs).

Fujita: That was hilarious. "Isn't it a little too long?" (laughs) We would say things like, "That look in his eyes is not normal."

By this point, I was still wondering if the romantic subtext was actually intentional, or if the creators were just joking around and acknowledging fan interpretations. However, at the very least, I felt I could be satisfied knowing that no one was arguing against the interpretation of them being more than friends. I began to assume that even if the romantic subtext was intentional, the creators would never officially confirm it and would continue to skirt around the topic forever.

Then, to my absolute shock, I found it. Fifteen years after the show aired, in the 2010 World Masterpiece Theater Europe Memorial Book, the director unabashedly confirming the feelings between Romeo and Alfredo were always intended to be romantic.

From the special interview with director Kouzou Kusuba. Professionally translated:

Romeo and Alfredo, the two had fallen in love . . .

With Romeo and Alfredo, that was love at first sight. Without even going into male friendships, the two are lovers. Before they start walking down the road of hardships, when they meet during the apple incident, it was love at first sight. They fell in love. That is the only explanation for having a bond that is that strong.

After Angeletta, Romeo’s heart moves towards Bianca. That is because he saw traces of her older brother, Alfredo, in her. So in the end, it was Alfredo for Romeo.

For comparison's sake, the DeepL translation with my own edits for better readability:

Romeo and Alfredo, they fell in love . . .

Romeo and Alfredo, it was love at first sight. Before you say anything about male friendships, these two are lovers. They fell in love at first sight when they met at the apple incident before they started down the road of hardship. They fell in love. If we didn’t think of it that way, they would not have had such a strong bond.

Romeo's heart moves on to Bianca after Angeletta. It is because he saw in Bianca the image of her brother Alfredo. After all, it really is still Alfredo for Romeo.

There's a crucial bit of info to note about the interview in the original Japanese that confirms it was romance without a shadow of a doubt. The director uses the word 恋 (koi) to describe their love, which is a term that is only used for romantic love in Japanese, as well as 恋人 (koibito - lovers/sweethearts/boyfriends). This leaves no ambiguity unlike the words すき (suki - like), and 愛 (ai - love), which, like their closest English counterparts, can be platonic or romantic depending on context.

Although I didn't need the romantic connection between them to be canon, actually having it confirmed simultaneously fills my heart with so much joy and ache even more. The story hits much harder when viewed through the lens of being an intentional, fleeting childhood romance between two boys who are oblivious to the fact that they are in love with each other. There's a sense of disconnect between them knowing that they feel strongly towards each other, but not realizing what their feelings mean and the people around them not understanding how deep it is either. I certainly had feelings as a kid that I wasn't able to identify as romantic until years later because of compulsory heterosexuality, and I'm sure many other queer people would relate to this as well.

It's beautiful, yet heartbreaking. If you consider it, the way their romance is presented contextually makes sense from both the standpoint of being realistic to the 1870s, time period it is set in, and the constraints of when it was created and aired on TV, in 1995. Especially with Romeo's Blue Skies being a children's show and a World Masterpiece Theater series, there probably would have been no scenario where the creators could have explicitly stated it on-screen. Instead, they poured it all into subtext, which shines brightly.

Romeo and Alfredo never needed to say, "I love you." A few words, a tender gaze and a gentle hand touch between them to me almost feels more romantic than a kiss ever could. It is so painfully evident in the way they look at each other and treat each other that they have a much deeper emotional and romantic bond between them than any other characters in the series.

I think that's what spoke to me all those years ago. The feeling of finding someone you're on the same wavelength with; those unspoken understandings between each other. I saw these two and was struck somewhere deep in my heart with the desire for a relationship like that. Even now, there's a part of me that feels: If I were to find my equivalent counterpart of Romeo and Alfredo, I would be set for life . . .

[oidheadh-con-culainn]

(it is worth reiterating that all of my posts about asexuality and fiction and so on are from the point of view of an aroace person who used to be extremely sex repulsed, and then just extremely disinterested for quite a big chunk of my adult life so far, and spent a lot of time desperate for stories that offered me a glimpse of a life that was whole without needing romance and/or sex to be part of it. that i have more recently become interested in sex in the abstract while still not experiencing attraction does not negate the years i spent not feeling that and does not make them any less valuable or important as part of my experiences as a human being, and as an adult who deserves to feel whole)

(i feel this extremely strongly because people sometimes act like my current feelings mean i "grew out of" my old ones, but this is not a maturity thing or a progression, it's change due to my personal circumstances and experiences and nature. and it could easily go back the other way in future, who knows. in the meantime, 22 year old me deserved to have stories that gave me hope for a reality i could build for myself. hell, 28 year old me deserves them, because whatever my future looks like, it still isn't going to follow an amato-/allonormative model and i don't see enough ways of living to help me imagine an adult life beyond those patterns. i demand better for the sake of past me and present me and for everybody for whom that is their present and/or their future, however old they are)

(anyway sex-repulsed asexual people deserve better than the same stories with pieces taken out because they deserve better than to be treated like people with something missing)

[animentality]

heyheyhey idk if u know how cool and important it is to have a badass assassin story with something other than cis gays and have it be Not a Big Deal but,,, it’s literally one of the first legit published books I’ve ever found like it?? And in a genre that I love??? And written well?? And genuinely funny as fuck?? Idk I’ve never seen an enby that gets to exist without it being A Tragic Plot Point or something To Overcome so thank u??? Like so much???? I can’t tell u how much???? I definitely didn’t cry at all about it nope not even once

:DDDDDD omg, my heart started pumping faster when I saw this ask. I am always so giddy when people talk to me about my books, especially the specifics about characters and tone and things they liked!

Yeah, I wanted to include every goddamn color in the pride flag!!

Pansexual/ bisexual assassins, nonbinary demons, a transgender assassin, an unrealistic number of gay and lesbian demon summoners! That's my fantasy world. It's not talked about, because it's simply normal.

Irvine in particular I adore because I am nonbinary myself, but also because they are just so powerful, and they don't even know just how much yet!

I always disliked how many nonbinary characters in fantasy and sci fi are just token "they/them" body guards, robotic or asexual leaning non-humans, or quiet, unassuming love interests who only exist to show a character is pansexual or something.

Irvine was my love letter to my own identity because I thought hey what if there was a nonbinary character who just fucks shit up, every time they appear? What if there was an enby who just kicks ass and is sexily never showing their face, and wears a badass hood all the time?

And then Irvine was born. My little storm demon :)

Also, I don't know if you ever saw the commissioned art, but I will post it in this ask for your viewing pleasure:

so glad you love my child. my baby blorbo.

who i intend to put through the wringer, lemme tell you, because i like to put all my favorite characters through it.

So glad you find it unique too! I honestly was feeling so badly about it, after months of querying and beta swapping, and getting feedback from dozens of people who only found things to criticize as being too strange or too different or stylistically confusing.

I went through a year of being told it wasn't good, and-and I'm a little emotional and overcome with appreciation and gratitude to all the people who not only bought or downloaded the book while it was free, but who also actually read the whole thing, and found it GOOD.

Like people...think i...write well??? oh gosh. oh god.

chills.

The asks I get keep me going through this mundane, dull little world. They give me something to look forward to, in between the doldrums of normalcy...

They also validate me for thinking someone...someone out there must find this good...

Thanks for taking the time to send this ask :))) it means the world to me.

I save them all in my drafts so I can look at them when I'm sad...

Also, THANK YOU FOR NOTICING THAT THE BOOK IS FUNNY.

in between the angst and the action and the blood-filled fist fighting and crazy sniper/melee battles, there is a lot of dark comedy!

I love dark comedy. I love satire.

As much as I love being edgy, I think a story without any humor at all is unbearable.

I want you to hurt with my characters...but you should also laugh with them! Laugh at them! Be amused by their stupidity...or by their cleverness.

Be charmed by their vulnerability, but also their insane, abnormal, bizarre points of view!

AAAAH, I'm so glad you found it funny AND heart-breaking!

That is exactly what I want every story of mine to be.

Thank you thank you thank you for this ask!!

Link to referenced book here, for all the poor spectators who have to see me blubbering like a child.

Please leave a review on Amazon/Goodreads if you haven't already, but if you have, thank you for that too! Every review helps me out so much!

[tonyisdead-02]

Coming to terms with my asexuality.

I've always love romance in any shape or form, childhood friends whose hangouts turn into dates and their friendship bracelets now have a different meaning, elderly couples spending whatever time they have left with each other, a middle age person falling in love with another and feeling like a teenager again, coworkers who are too shy to confess but they take extra hours just to be close to the other. People holding hands and staring at each other like they are infinite, it makes my heart fuzzy the way they just drown in their embrace, melting away in warmth, love, longing...

...And desire, and just like that the fantasy dies for me.

A lot of this stories have at least one mention of the couple having sex, even if it's not explicit it's still there, like them kissing in the hallway after a fun date, almost devouring their mouths, they enter the room and the scene fades to black. They didn't show anything but we all know what happened.

The moment you get old enough to experience puberty the adults (sometimes people your age also do it but it's especially the adults) won't stop talking about how you're gonna have a partner, how you're gonna go in dates and parties were teenagers make out in the couch or have sex whenever they can, your parents might even forbid you close the door when someone your age comes over because what are two teenagers in a room going to do if not have sex?

I'm not saying it's not important to have this conversations, after all teenagers do have sex and some of them talk about it like their lives depend on it.

It's just kinda painful to hear.

Sitting in lunch and hearing your classmates talk about things they did with their partners and how they love each other so much they sneak out to kiss, going to a party with friends and trying to ignore couples making out in every corner, people your age talking about how they thought they didn't like sex until they tried and now they love it, some even say if you dont have sex then what you have is no different than friendship. You can't just go home and scape because your family starts bothering you saying things like "Do you like someone?" "You know you can talk to me about this stuff" "I was your age, I know what teenagers do" "Boys only want one thing"

And if you do talk to them about not wanting to have sex or how you just don't feel it, they start saying you're a late bloomer, how everyone feels it eventually and it's only natural to do it, or how they want grandkids and can't wait to experience that with you.

I try to scape to fantasy but even there sex is a big deal, the lovers have sex as an ultimate act of love, the lovers won't see each other for a very long time so they have sex, the lovers go to a hotel after a beautiful wedding and have sex, or there's stories about how one of them feels miserable for not having sex so they have an affair and falls in love with the affair partner.

No matter where I look, sex is there.

So when everyone around you talks about how this is extremely important and you don't feel the need to do it, you start to feel very lonely.

But how can it be posible? I read about sex, even tho I don't do it to satisfy something other than curiosity, I do it like I'm a scientist studying the behavior of a strange species and I draw sex like it's something beautiful yet only exists in fiction.

I know myself, I know the mere thought of someone being so close it's gross and scary and just impossible, I know I don't experience those "butterflies" or that tingling sensation people describe, yet I crave it, not because I actually want to do it, but because if that's supposed to be the ultimate act of love then how would I ever experience love if I don't do it? Yes I know that's not exactly true and casual sex exist, but still at least they have it. Why does it feel so wrong not being able to feel it?

How can I yearn for something so desperately yet despise it so much?

[misspermitted]

Being a sex-repulsed asexual a lot of coming out stories don’t really speak to my experiences. Because I don’t date, never will date, experienced dating exactly once (in a hetero-conforming relationship) for like 3 days and wanted to die. Generally I don’t even participate in LGBT+ discussions because I don’t have a lot of sexuality experiences (and if i start talking about my gender i might cry). I just linger in the background of my friend groups and give relationship safety advice. Offer pizza. Call out toxic behaviour. Offer more pizza.

The thing about communities is to share your experiences they need to fit into the community’s categories. And I don’t think that’s bad. LGBT+ spaces are safe spaces for those in the community, and in order for that to happen they have to exclude certain discussions. It’s like female-identifying only spaces should exclude male-identifying people. It’s the whole point of a community.

This said, the other point of community is feeling less alone via shared experiences. So I thought I’d share a funny part of my sexuality journey which did seem pretty queer:

How I Made My Family Believe in Asexuality by Being So Goddamn Asexual They Actually Couldn’t Not

My family is generally really nice and supportive. But they’re also low-key homophobic. They’re getting better, but my mother straight up didn’t believe bisexuality existed for most of my childhood because “Everyone is attracted to men and women, just pick one.” (Yeah. She identifies as bisexual now.) Every so often someone says something transphobic and I get to call it out. Last I checked my sister still thinks gender fluidity is just people being attention seeking.

So when I came out as asexual, my sister sat me down, very well meaning, and told me that she also didn’t feel a lot of sexual attraction but when she started dating it came (yeah, I know, demisexual coded, but I’m not touching whatever the hell is going on with her). And because we’d both grown up without a lot of physical affection it’s just that. I should just try dating someone. No matter what arguments I made to the contrary both her and the rest of my family would often make comments to that vein (because internalised homophobia doesn’t listen to reason).

My mother did a retrospectively hilarious The Sex Talk: Pt. 2 “there’s nothing wrong with you and you’re definitely not asexual don’t worry.” She sat me down, very serious, and assured me that women get turned on less easily than men. So not being turned on by porn or being able to masturbate was normal for some women and didn’t mean anything was wrong with me and I was “asexual.” That was a fun conversation.

Somehow, despite their inability to listen to reason, I solved this problem about two years after coming out.

The thing about coming out is that you slowly stop pretending you’re straight. I didn’t even realise I was pretending before I came out (because, you know, I wasn’t dating anyone). But I was actually masking hard. I talked about dating way too much. Made way too many dirty jokes. It was weird. I was overcompensating the hell out of it. Which, after I came out, I slowly called myself out on until I stopped.

And it turns out when I’m not pretending to be attracted to people I am hilariously, almost stereotypically, asexual. For example, about a year after I came out I was watching Thor with my sister and this shirtless scene happened:

My sister: 😳

Me (turning to her): Hey did you know that when Chris Hemsworth filmed this movie he was so dehydrated that he almost died? Actually that might’ve been the movie after this. But it’s a huge thing to get actors to look like that they dehydrate them, which seems like a lot of health concern just to make them look like Greek sculptures. I mean I know he’s supposed to be a god but i really don’t think it’s necessary. Like Norse gods had different beauty aesthetics anyway.

My sister: (just stares at me for a second) It’s not so he looks like a Greek god it’s so he looks attractive

Me: I know but do the aesthetics really matter that much?

My sister: No, like, people watch this specifically because they’re attracted to Chris Hemsworth in these scenes

Me: Oh. So it’s for audience engagement?

My sister: I… guess so?

And that is how I acted so asexual I actually convinced my sister to believe in it. She has not made a comment about my asexuality since.

The same thing has happened with the rest of my family members. One by one they have become corrupted because I am just too asexual to be denied. You cannot meet me and maintain a state of disbelief.

We’ve gotten to the point where my mother is so certain about my sexuality she got offended for me, because “someone was calling themselves asexual but was in a sexual relationship with someone.” (We had a lovely discussion again about asexuality being a spectrum and just reflecting you having a not-normal level of sexual attraction. She still thinks this invalidates my experience and struggles which is very nice of her but once again I do not care. If people want to be one of the only sexualities still classified as a mental illness in the DSM-5 then the more the merrier. Gatekeep pizza not oppression.)