#this is the reason why i never tell people irl about my illness

[oflorelei]

Hate it when people infantilize Elia because of her poor health, this is a grown woman, treat her like one

[trans-axolotl]

content note: this post talks about eugenics, incarceration and institutionalization, and violent ableism

tangent from that post because i didn't want to start writing an essay on someone else's post and this is about a conversation i had irl this month, not intended as a reply to that post. but i actually feel very complicated about the idea of whether or not we should be pushing for more "accessibility" in jails and prisons and psych wards and institutions. i put that word in quotes because i don't think there is ever a way that being incarcerated is actually accessible to our bodies and minds; it is a disabling experience on so many levels. i'm not going to list out all the reasons why on this post; i've made so many posts talking explicitly about the harms of institutionalization before and i don't want to do that again right now. Talila Lewis has given several interviews about ableism, incarceration, and disability that are really worth reading and go more in depth into what that violence looks like. Liat Ben Moshe has also given another interview about disability and incarceration that goes over many of the same topics. given that these places are intense sites of violence towards disabled people, it feels difficult for me to claim that they could ever truly be accessible in any meaningful sense of the word.

what's also true right now is that institutions and prisons are incredibly inaccessible for physically disabled people in particular. i've been arrested with a wheelchair, i've been institutionalized with a feeding tube on top of that as well, i've been held on medical floors for psych treatment before, and i know very well exactly how bad it is. i've watched myself and so many other physically disabled people almost die in these places because of sheer neglect. i have physically disabled neighbors who were killed in these places. it is so dangerous for physically disabled people who are locked up in these places, yet at the same time, often psych wards are so inaccessible that physically disabled people just can't even be admitted because wards refuse to take people with mobility aids, medical devices, specific types of medication or care needs, if you have some kinds of terminal illness, and on and on and on.

what's also true is that when these places are so inaccessible that many physically disabled people are excluded and unable to even access them in the first place, it doesn't mean that we then somehow access other types of care instead. it just means that we're also discarded and left to die. this also is a really similar dynamic for a ton of other marginalized groups that get excluded from psych care--many of my comrades who are people of color have also experienced this same type of denial of care. initially i think that can seem like a confusing contradiction--how is it that psych wards are locking up some people up against their will but refusing to take in other people? but when you start thinking about the underlying logic at the core of these systems, it makes sense.

psych wards operate under this idea that madness must be cured by any means possible, up to and including eradication. institutions are a way of disappearing madness from the world--hiding us away so that we don't disturb a sane society, and not letting us free again until we either die in there or are able to appear like we've sufficiently eradicated madness from our mind. preventing physically disabled people from accessing inpatient treatment is operating under the same assumptions--except that this particularly violent convergence of ableism is happy to just let us die, both because it eradicates madness from the world and because they view our lives as unworthy of living in the first place. eugenics is still alive and well in the united states and it's still fucking killing us; both inside institutions and outside of them.

i would never tell someone that they're privileged for getting institutionalized--i think that would be a cruel thing to say to someone who has just survived a lot of violent ableism. and at the same time, our current systems of mental health care are set up in a way where not being able to access inpatient care can be a deadly logistical nightmare. there are some partial hospitalization programs that have such a long waiting list that you can only really get in if you just got an urgent referral because you're getting discharged from inpatient care--how the fuck are physically disabled people supposed to access those programs? if you need meal support for your eating disorder 6 times a day and the only places that offer that are residential treatment in a house with stairs, what the fuck are you supposed to do? if noncarceral outpatient forms of treatment like therapy, support groups, PHP programs, peer support funding, etc etc etc are often prioritizing people who have recently been discharged from inpatient care, how are you supposed to access any type of mental health care at all? (to be clear i know that not all forms of outpatient care operate in this way, but a lot of state run/low cost programs that accept Medicaid/Medicare operate in that way, and i've seen it cause enough barriers that i know this is a very real problem.)

so when i think about what it would take to actually ensure that physically disabled people can access mental healthcare, there's a lot that comes up for me. on one hand, so much of my work is about tearing down institutions and ensuring that no one is forced into these places to face that type of violence. on the other hand, so many physically disabled people need care right now, and we have to figure out some way of making that happen given the current systems we have in place. i will never be okay with just discarding physically disabled people as collateral damage, and any world that we're building needs to be one that embraces disability from the beginning.

i keep thinking about the concept of non-reformist reforms that gets talked about a lot in the prison abolition movement. the idea behind non-reformist reforms is that usually, reforms work to reinforce the status quo. they're usually talked about in liberal language of "improvement" and "human rights", but when it comes down to it, they're still giving more power to harmful institutions and reinforcing state power. an example of a reformist reform is building a new jail that is bigger and has "nicer" services. or when the cops in my city tried to get funding for more wheelchair accessible cop vans. these are reformist reforms because when it comes down to it, it's still giving more money and legitimacy to the prison system and increasing the capacity to keep people locked up--even when people talk about it using language about welfare for prisoners, that's not actually what's happening. having more wheelchair accessible cop vans would be dangerous for the disabled people in my city--it's helped us out a LOT that it's so difficult for the cops to arrest multiple wheelchair users at once.

non-reformist reforms are the opposite of that--they're reforms that work to dismantle systems, redistribute power, and set the stage for more even more dramatic transformations. They're sort of an answer to the question of "what do we do right now if we can't go out and burn down all the prisons overnight?" Examples of a nonreformist reform are defunding prisons, getting rid of paid administrative leave for cops, shutting down old prisons and not building new ones, etc. they're steps we can take right now that don't fully abolish prisons, but still work to dismantle them, rather than making it easier for the system to keep going.

so, when we apply this to the psych system, what are some nonreformist reforms that could help make sure that all disabled people are having their needs met right now? Some ideas I'm having include fixing the problem of PHP/outpatient care requiring referrals from inpatient, increasing the amount of Medicaid/Medicare funding for outpatient mental health care, building physically accessible peer respites that allow caregivers to stay with you if needed, increasing SSI/SSDI to an actually liveable rate, creating more disability specific mental health resources, support groups, care webs, and a million other things we'd probably need to actually get our needs met. non-reformist reforms for people in psych wards right now might look like ensuring everyone has 24/7 access to phones and internet, ensuring that disabled people have access to mobility aids in these spaces, making sure that there's accessible nutrition for people with dietary restrictions and/or feeding tubes, and more.

when i see people saying that we need to ensure that psych wards or prisons are made accessible it makes me feel nervous. i worry that the changes required to do that wouldn't actually provide care to disabled people, i worry it would just make it easier for increasing numbers of disabled people to get locked up and harmed all while people claimed it was a success story of "inclusion." i worry that it would just continue to cement carceral treatment as the only option for existing as a disabled person, and that it would make it harder for us to live in our communities, with the services and adaptations we need. when i think about abolition, i'm always thinking about what can we do right now, what do disabled people who are incarcerated and institutionalized need right now, what can we do right now to ensure that everyone is surviving and getting their needs met. i'm not willing to ignore or discard my incarcerated disabled comrades in the moment because of my dreams for an abolitionist future, i'm always going to support our organizing in these places as we try to survive them.

overall i guess what i'm saying is that i think making inpatient psych care accessible would require dismantling and fundamentally destroying the whole system. I can't imagine a way of doing that within the current system that wouldn't just continue to harm disabled people. and that as a psych abolitionist i think that means we have a responsibility to each other right now to fight for that, to understand that physically disabled people not being able to access mental health care is an incredibly urgent need. I refuse to treat my MadDisabled comrades as disposable: our lives are valuable and worth fighting for.

i'm also going to link to the HEARD organization on this post. They're one of the few abolitionist organizations that does direct advocacy and support for deaf and disabled people in prisons. if you or one of your disabled community members ever gets incarcerated in jail/prison, they have a lot of resources. donate to support their work if you can.

[m1sa-w1sa]

Hi!!! Sorry if this is annoying but could I request SAGAU!Diluc and a GN!creator who is obsessed with him (lvl 90, signature weapon, triple crown, multiple constellations) irl? Specifically them talking to Diluc through the screen because they’re kinda delulu, congratulating him and stuff when he does The Big Damage (TM), and apologizing when he accidentally dies in combat? Sorry for requesting if you’re busy, I just really like Diluc and there’s not enough SAGAU fics about him behind the screen. If you write this req I will be eternally grateful to you!!!

(Oo!! I love doing SAGAU fics! Ty for requesting! Again this isnt proofread and english isnt my first language sighs but if you would like a part two! Just lmk! In dms or request again!

• So when you first started playing genshin you absolutely loved diluc! He looked so pretty/handsome to you! •You were so excited that you got him first try, when you looked at him through the character menu he felt a strong presence, he kept on feeling it the more time he spent with you •At C1 he started to connect the dots about a divine being •C2 he could hear faint voices it sounded soft… like it was filled with care •C3 He could fully hear you, he found it surprising, is this really real..? To be fair, he was a bit pissed about being in a ‘ video game ‘ for people’s entertainment but for some reason.. you made it more tolerable •C4 He could start to see faint bright silhouettes of you when he was exploring with you, traveling, or doing commissions •C5 He could make out more of your figure, with color, your smile, your body, your hair •Finally at C6 he could see you fully, it was like you were walking with him.. side by side.. fighting with him, running with him… it felt nice, like the warmth he had never felt in a long time •This was rather quickly, him figuring this out more than anything, sometimes he tries to communicate with you with his voice lines being slightly different ‘ Thank you, for making me stronger. ‘ ’ One day, maybe i can see you, dont you agree? ‘ •Or maybe if you were grinding for his signature weapon, he would tell you to of course, take breaks from time to time with his voice lines ‘ Please, take a break, ill handle it from here.. ‘ •When you congratulate him for doing good damage he was shocked at first, but it felt nice, it felt like chains are being released from his shoulders •Hearing your soft apologies make him ponder, why is the all mighty creator apologizing..? And to him? But it also makes him think, every time he fails.. will you replace him? •Talking to him over the screen with short sentences make him smiles ever so slightly, his mouth curling up into a smile on his character •When you descended to tevyat he knew, how? The feeling of you there was to strong, it was like he was being lured to you by a leash.. •When he found you, he bowed down ‘ Your grace, please forgive my intrusive actions on greeting you like this.. ‘ •He felt warmth, more warmth that he will ever feel with your arms around him, like as if he was a young kid again ‘ Thank you.. Your grace.. ‘ •If you were seen as a imposter than he would stand by your side, he would be foolish not to •If you got caught he would turn himself in, what follower would he be for breaking the promise he made to the creator? •You and him stood together and now you will fall together, both of you getting the death penalty, colds blades to your neck as he turns to you ‘ Im sorry Your grace.. I was strong enough.. ‘ •The mix of gold and red blood trailing down your bodies, everone shocked, how could they do this..? Why did they..? Please forgive them they were foolish! •You woke up on your bed, feeling sore, scars, bruises, burn marks, all over your body you turn, seeing a strand of red hair, you lean over, seeing diluc passed out on the floor •When he woke up seeing your fave one more time, in this… ‘ new ‘ world… he wouldnt trade it for anything

[oacest]

My thoughts on the audio are that I genuinely cannot come up with a sane explanation. I don't think Liam was necessarily in the studio but he has to be talking about him, right? Like IDK there was some visual effect or whatever, literally who else could be the cunt Noel doesn't want to see. Beyond which I am not a proper scholar so please let me know if I'm way off base but I have an extended divorce theory that goes:

2009: Breakup, they're both big mad for a minute

201?-2012: They are texting and like, sending their kids to the same school. possibly the most normal they've ever been.

2013-2015: Liam blows his entire life up and is extremely sad about the consequences of his own actions. I saw actual video footage of Noel saying that he's shocked beady eye broke up and he's actually sweet about it and tells Liam not to give up? who is this man. anyway while Liam will later claim Noel wasn't there for him during the divorce but as a general rule they're much nicer about each other when they're divorcing other people. this is where I become extremely conspiratorial because at some point they had to get the documentary off the ground and a second, more personal breakup is clearly going down around this time. I believe in their ability to deeply wound each other by playing cryptic telephone through the press but I think it genuinely makes more sense if they were actually talking, perhaps about a potential reunion.

2016-2020: supersonic documentary and also (coincidentally?) the apocalypse. Liam launches his solo career, Noel hates it and is pretty relentlessly mean about it and about Liam more generally. we are gearing up for the kind of tweeting/podcast commenting where you call your brother your ex-wife. I think this is also when Noel decides to drag Molly into it for some reason. Liam says publicly that he thinks Noel was waiting for him to hit rock bottom so he could be magnanimous about saving him. whether he thinks this because of something concrete noel did or said or because he's liam is a mystery. the Anais incident goes down, the vogue article comes out. we are never ever getting back together for real this time. noel says a bunch of normal and well adjusted stuff about how he wants Liam to die in a self driving car crash with Donald Trump and seeing his face makes him want to shoot up a MacDonalds.

2020-2022: the pandemic saves oasis. I'm serious. they're both stuck sitting at home with nothing to distract them from themselves and think of brighter days. apparently being trapped in a house with noel is genuinely so unbearable that Sara calls it quits (in the matter of Sara v. Noel I'm on her side). presumably this was cause for at least some self reflection. divorce is a lonely and difficult experience, sara and liam seem to legit hate each other in a way that would be a barrier to reconciliation (in the matter of Sara v. Liam I am also on her side but less so bcs she didn't get trapped in a house with him). at the same time Liam pulls off Knebworth 2022, demonstrating he can handle big events without headcasing (and without noel, and he will be doing those big events solo or otherwise). at this point I genuinely think it was just a matter of time before we were back, baybeee! let's hope they can keep it together.

bro your brain is so huge and deeply wrinkled, profoundly agree with all of this. why you on anon when your opinions are so correct and you could be sharing them with us directly tbh 👀.

but yeah, 100% covid saved oasis lmao. noel's divorce saved oasis. noel's miserable midlife crisis (ongoing) saved oasis 🥰🥰🥰. and it juuuuuust really seems like all those insane highs and lows that went on publicly in the media between them over the years probably, or at least quite possibly, had irl personal catalysts rather than just a general holdover of ill will from the 2000s. there are so many random little times one or both of them casually mentioned they were in contact, and any one of those instances can be disregarded, but when considered in retrospect from a collective standpoint..... AWFULLY DAMNING!!!

lots more to say about all of this actually, every point you've made is legit af and could be expounded upon for a hundred years, but it's midnight and im coming down with a flu (punishment for some kind of hubris im sure), so. thank you for all of this and goodnight 🙏

[leighlew3]

So...

I know a lot of people out there are feeling lost, helpless, hopeless, and especially perhaps the younger crowd wonders: what now? As someone who has taken hit after hit after hit of trauma, abuse, homelessness, suffering, struggle, loss, illness, etc in my life that at times seems never ending... dealing with perpetual trauma and finding hope in the face of devastation is uhhh sorta my specialty.

*dorky wink and finger guns*

So, first of all on my end let me explain my plans, and then get into the 'why' and what else I plan to do and how I think we all need to tackle these coming days, weeks, months and sadly -- years.

For mental health reasons on the heels of still struggling with my grief and what sadly has become chronic health issues, I'm probably going to spend the foreseeable future hyper-focused on writing, fictional ships, planning my next tattoo, the WNBA free agency, the end of the current NFL season, and doing everything humanly possible to boost my immune system for what will inevitably be the next pandemic/plague that this administration will laugh at as Americans drop dead again because "sCiEncE iSnT rEaL".

And I advise others to find what will help them survive as well.

Here's the thing though: "give up" is not in my DNA. Nor is burying my head and hiding out away from "anything negative", because that's a hella privileged position to take, and I'm not about that life.

So, I will be signing all the petitions possible, making calls to reps who actually have proven they care, protesting when possible, sharing important info on social media, volunteering, etc as well.

Which brings me to the point here: don't give up. Do what you can. But also... recognize your humanity and limitations whether they be financial, physical, psychological or otherwise. Because sacrificing your own sanity and health isn't going to help anybody. And then we're down one less soldier in this battle for the greater good.

IF there's another election in four years (never in my lifetime did I think that would even be a question), we will have a lot of rebuilding to do regarding lost progress. We need to be ready.

In the meantime, dive into something productive and/or comforting for your own life that keeps you fulfilled but also be ready and willing to do what you can help those around you, at key moments. It's that whole "put on your oxygen mask first when the plane is going down" thing. You can't help a damn soul if you can't even breathe.

Be kind to the people you love. Tell them you love them daily. Connect with like-minded individuals. Protect and defend our most vulnerable wherever possible (the disabled, marginalized communities, fellow women/girls, etc). Hug your pets and if you don't have any, consider adopting a rescue.

Vote in the 2026 midterms. Volunteer at or donate to your local women's shelters, homeless shelters, racial justice organizations, LGBTQ+ organizations, animal rescues, environmental organizations, nursing homes for the elderly, etc.

We have to find the balance between self-care for ourselves and making our own lives tolerable amidst this bs, especially any of us who belong to one or more of the above groups -- while also plugging in to help others and the community as a whole, as needed.

And trust me, it will be needed. More than ever.

You're not alone. Even if IRL you feel like you're the only person in your family or circle who hasn't 'drank the Kool Aid' and lost all sense of reason or basic human empathy.

If you're reading this right now -- please take a second to take some deep breaths, step away, and start setting both short-term and long-term goals for yourself and your life that will help you moving forward so you can continue to fight for yourself, and for us all.

Please remember, we're in this together.

I'm with you. 💜

[synf3ll]

not sure why there's sharing discourse going around again but i feel this is as good a time as any to explain why i'm non-sharing with my F/O

i experience very strong and unique attraction to fictional characters, the same way others might experience attraction towards their IRL significant other. my attraction to real people is limited and few and far between. seeing someone else claim my F/O as theirs feels devaluing to me and my feelings for him.

when someone says that my F/O is theirs, it feels like they're stealing something very sensitive and important to me as their own. it feels like the only thing i've ever loved and cared about is being ripped away from me. i don't know how to describe it in any other way, and i'm sorry if it doesn't make a lot of sense. typing this is rapidly depleting my mental energy.

for a long time, i had no one but him. i still don't have a healthy support system. i don't have relatives or friends i can rely on for comfort or assistance. that's the whole reason i started selfshipping, actually. i figured i could convince myself that someone cared about me, and that it would better my mental health. it more or less worked. anyway, i've recently got a real-world partner, but i don't know yet if i'm comfortable divulging sensitive information with them. regardless, i have never felt the way i do for him for anybody else, real or fictional.

what it boils down to is -- i am extremely mentally ill. it causes me deep distress to see other people exhibit significant attracted to my F/O. this can lead to suicidal thoughts and behaviors for me.

disclaimer: this is not healthy or logical feelings and behaviors, i do not say this with pride etc etc.

i am in therapy and on medication and i have been since i was a preteen. i've been trying to get better for my entire life. the thing is, it doesn't get better for me. not all people recover -- in fact, most people are never "cured", and i'm convinced a "cure" for mental illness doesn't exist. at least, for me, it doesn't.

so i just do what i can to minimize distress caused by those who share my F/O -- i block them. i don't harrass them, i don't interact in any way whatsoever.

please do not tell me to find a healthy coping mechanism. selfshipping IS my healthy coping mechanism. you do not know what i have been through. you have not experienced what i have. i talk a lot on here, but there is a lot about me that no one -- not even my therapist -- knows. please do not pretend to know or understand me.

anyway, call me delusional or schizo or whatever else you think i am. you're probably right. but you won't change the way i feel about my F/O, or about sharing him.

[schizotypalpd-culture-is]

major cw for venting abt rumination, unreality and paranoia...

questioning stpd + bpd culture is freaking out alot and never being able to keep an account for long and getting immediately suspicious as well as hella inferior to ("they're gonna find out something about me idk what but i know")/anxious of anyone who is too enthusiastic about you (and conversely trying to talk to people who are not as available at all), not being able to use youtube much anymore because u think all the videos could be talking about you even tho its just a tactic to address the viewer to watch but u feel so fucking called out by every little thing, getting angry at the screen and always typing mean shit in the search bar in case somethings watching (but still being addicted to the internet), feeling intrusive at every family function for no reason, feeling like an idiot trying to speak more than one or two words on most days bc it gets jumbled or u literally cannot remember even names or what u did 2 days ago, having the weirdest blend of disgruntled/confused/concerned stare with little response at all whenever u try to describe ur problems and mind, having breakdowns when u try to make friends irl, and really needing help but too scared of being invalidated/mistreated/laughed at and also its a big process i dont fully understand or have much help with and being watched/monitored by family is my nightmare. then ruminating for hours feeling guilty bc the other part of u knows its not all about u, negative grinch!! but u cant escape the feeling or the possibility. then u get scared somethings watching ur brain judging and u spend more hours arguing with yourself or the entity and freaking out which the stress and sleep deprivation turns into hallucinating ghosts (then u think... OMG she cursed me! im haunted! its this house! my vibes are so bad ghosts want me out of here.) and having nobody to tell abt it. so u write about it in a document cuz u literally cant verbalise delusions hoping whatever medical professional will see it wont disregard it because you are somewhat self aware/introspective (to the point that you're just obsessing over your own thoughts not really anything like ooh enlightenment. oh and then u ruminate that maybe youre not sick enough... then get angry at imaginary people who would dare think that... wait im an asshole! people can think what they want! whats my problem! im so mean! que rumination about that), post online then get paranoid about it again and tbh u dont know why u post it but it has to go somewhere, to someone. itll probably drive everyone away but i don't know where else to go. maybe ill be honest and show my true face. but do people even do that? am i something to be hidden? im so tired and cant even cope with people walking outside my window and i look creepy when i figure out what theyre doing by standing at the window then i panic thinking they think im a creep going to do bad things.

.

[deathdetermineslife]

There is a new post going around about you and saying you’re supposedly shipping with an incestuous Danganronpa character. This is from another Anti. I’m confused as to why you keep getting labeled like this. I know nothing about your FO but I still know he was abused. I’m sorry people on here are stupid.

are you shitting me? he's literally a victim of abuse. I seriously have to wonder how these ppl treat irl victims of abuse who "fall in love" with their abuser as a way to cope with the trauma. there's a reason why I love him so much, and that's because I relate to him. I won't get into specifics but I was sexually abused and convinced myself I was in love with my abuser to cope with the trauma of, you know... being abused.

anyone in the danganronpa fandom can tell you he was a victim. anyone who played the game can tell you that. if you read any of his dialogue when he talks about his sister, you can tell he was effectively brainwashed by her manipulation. I mean, you tell me, when youre growing up and your very ill older sister is telling you you have to take the place of a boyfriend for her because shes too physically sick to form relationships with people other than her family, would you say that's consensual?

just because he's not the perfect victim doesn't mean he isn't one at all. not every victim of abuse will hate their abuser. not every victim will even acknowledge they were abused.

and to top it off, she died before he could ever grasp the totality of her actions. he was never given the chance to come to terms with that. there isn't a lot that we know about his parents, but we can assume he was neglected for the abuse to go on as long as it did. clearly no one intervened before her death.

you can send this to that person if you want, really I don't care because no one is going to stop me from shipping with him. shockingly enough, he didn't do anything wrong. tell me you only see victims of abuse as victims when they fit your definition of what a abuse survivor is without telling me that. oh well, my 500 followers seem to not gaf and understand he was abused, as well as the 100+ people in my discord server that joined via my account.

[pastlivesxpastlie]

On the importance of Get Below Me, healing, radical acceptance, and inexperienced!fem!reader

I can hear my former “friends” from high school telling me no one cares to hear this and that I’m being over dramatic, so that means I should say it.

I want to make it very clear that I harbor no ill will towards the people who asked for this kind of story in the first place or asked for more. I am literally just unzipping my chest cavity and letting my little sorrow demons get some fresh air. I need to say this to someone who isn’t my therapist or the sweet friends here who have heard this story.

TLDR: life, a redneck with a big dick, among others did a number on me and therefore writing about Virgin!fem!reader is a no for me.

CW: discussions of body dysmorphia, growing up fat, dating and sexting older guys as a teenager, religious trauma

xxxx

I never felt safe in my body.

I never saw it as something to behold or take care of. And maybe that’s because I was always told to lose weight. Being an actual obese child is torture. I was seen as older than I actually was. I was treated older than I was. I was “mature for my age,” “wise beyond my years.” And incredibly. Fucking. Lonely. The day before I turned 17, I remember telling my best friend that I felt like I was missing out on life. Mainly it was because I never had boyfriends. I didn’t go on dates. I didn’t get the attention I saw other girls getting and fuck I wanted it. So I went where I knew I could get it: Omegle.

I can’t tell you how many men…MEN…I cybered with. Finally I had use. It was only “safe” because I never met up with anyone. But it was an addiction. Finally feeling like I was someone other than “a joy to have in class” or the fat funny friend or the overly emotional friend. But I was still alone. Those guys didn’t want to keep talking. They knew what they were doing. And I fell for it every time.

The first man I dated irl when I was 17 is hardly worth mentioning but he told me his goal….HIS GOAL was to have my virginity. I think he was 21. I didn’t let him have it. I wasn’t easy enough.

But then there was Skyler. Yeah I don’t care. I’ll say his fucking name. Skyler didn’t care that I was 17. I think he was 23. We’d do just about everything but p in v and the next day I’d get a text that he needs to focus on God and not make out with me anymore. I said ok, let’s work on ourselves and God together. He then stands me up and doesn’t pick me up after school (!!!!) to go to youth group. I fall for it everytime because he said he loves me! He says I make everything bad go away like a little dust buster! We’re like twins!

A week after my 18th birthday, we had sex. Neither his parents or his brother knew I was there because he was home alone. They didn’t even know I existed. And he fucked me on his mom’s couch. It was spur of the moment, so no protection. I didn’t let him finish in me for that reason. And while I was…yeah…ok you know that part in Get Below Me vol 4? Anyways. Jorkin him and suddenly I think “huh…is this a thing? What are we?” And in the middle of this handjob I start crying, asking him if this means anything to him. He goes soft in my hand and of course says “erm yeah” and we finish. The next day…while I was getting my senior pictures done…I get a text from him saying that I was distracting him from his relationship with God. A week later he’s back at my house like nothing happened. And I was terrified because abstinence only sex ed didn’t tell me anything and I figured I was pregnant (I wasn’t) and he said “well…what does God say when you ask him?” No emotional support. No love. The next day he told me he wished he could change me because I wanted to be on birth control. “But we aren’t going to have sex anymore. I don’t know why you’d want that. I wish I could change you. We need a break.” All while bawling. I never saw or spoke to him again until he…asked out my best friend a week later. She was 17.

I’m going to hold on to this until I die. I don’t care. I’ll be angry about as long as I can be. Rewriting it for creativity was fulfilling but I can’t go back there. This, writing smut, is safe for me.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

aita for pretending to be cis online? im a trans man and have been trans for almost ten years now. i am pre-most transition even though i would like to fully transition, due to money and medical phobia complications. i do not pass irl.

a few years ago i attempted stealth (saying i was a cis man) on a discord server before ultimately admitting to being trans because i was afraid everyone could tell, and was informed that even though they even heard my voice on the server, no one there suspected i was afab, and even when i said i was trans, some people assumed i was coming out as transfem, because i had passed myself as a cis man so well. this gave me euphoria, of course, and made me regret telling anyone since i was apparently passing so well.

i held onto those feelings, and a year or so after that, quietly changed my bios and stuff to remove the trans part. a little while after that, i started actively saying i was cis male in my bios and to new friends.

i should clarify this is not out of safety or fear of transphobia, all my family and irl friends know im trans and are 100% supportive, im lucky enough to live in a very progressive area, and my online existence is small and filled with tons of trans and supportive people. it's only because i feel dysphoric when i know people can perceive me as afab, and since i don't have control over that irl, i just want someone in the world to see me as amab, even if im not and never will be.

i also am not by any means a transmed. i myself am also gnc, and many many of my friends are loud and proud queer weirdos, and i am too with everything but my agab. i love the wacky ways other trans folks present their genders and refuse to sanitize themselves for cisciety. i do not think anyone should ever have to water down who they are for any reason and i don't think being afab makes anyone less of a man, just i personally don't like facing the fact that i am afab and would rather people see me as a cis man whenever i can control it.

this might be where the asshole comes in here, because being gnc, being surrounded by so many trans people and being in many "afab dominated" spaces (such as fanfic writers, tumblr, fandom in general honestly) as well as having a lot of trans headcanons makes me paranoid people are going to clock me and even if they don't say anything they'll know im faking being cis. because of that, and to avoid the dreaded "egg" conversations (people trying to insist or imply that ill soon "find out" that im transfem) ive sometimes been telling people when the subject comes up that i had experimented with my gender before and thought i was transfem or nonbinary in the past, so i sort of fit the idea of cis+ and that might be why i feel more trans than cis even though im definitely cis.

i also tell them im intersex and have trans family (both of these are true, though obviously im intersex in a different way than i say) to get them off my scent.

i know i dont owe anyone my agab, but when all is said and done, i am lying about my gender and history with gender exploration, and i kinda feel like im disrespecting other trans folks by implying it would personally feel better to be cis, like i can't relate to other trans people saying they never want to be cis and the goal of being trans isn't to be cis. but i do. i also worry that having trans hcs (including in sexual contexts) for characters while im presenting myself as cis makes people think im a chaser.

anyway sorry this is long, but aita for lying about my gender?

What are these acronyms?

[call-sign-shark]

Following the heart-wrenching posts of @red-riding-wood, @kittenonpluto and @aurorag98 I feel like I have to write this. By no means I have experienced traumatizing interactions with @mrkdvidal1989 aka Killian Vidal but this whole situation and what he did to girls here make me enraged.

First of all, I want to reassure all the beloved mutuals who have been reaching out to me or who have been worried about my well-being because they saw me interacting a few times with Killian. I am perfectly fine and I'm not much here this week because I have been working a lot.

As for my relationship with Killian... Well, we were barely talking to each other actually. I know I am bad at replying to my DMs but this is not the reason why I ghosted him -- I purposefully did so because, like many of you, the guy gave me the biggest red flags. We talked a few times, and he called me hot when he saw the gym pics/selfies I posted. He quickly suggested we meet together to go to the gym and watch horror movies during my stay in the UK and to this I replied positively while knowing I would never ever do so. Right from the start I suspected him to be a liar and I felt he had built up everything about his life. Also, I come from a military family with many relatives working in special units of the French Navy, and let me tell you something: I screamed at the thought of a former soldier (from the SAS!! lmao) spending all of his time writing reader-insert fanfic for a female audience and discussing with Cillian fangirls. I don't say it's impossible, but it's VERY unlikely.

To me, Killian was just an attention-seeking catfish I'd never meet and who I found both boring and childish. In my opinion, I thought he just wanted to have a small court around him to strut around, nothing more. I tried to search for info about him to warn people, I mean I even doubted he was a man... However, I found nothing plus he seemed to be IRL friends with a few mutuals here who actually chatted with him via phone so I didn't want to take the risk of spreading hate about someone just because of a gut feeling. Never in a million years, I would have imagined he was toying with girls from the Peaky Blinders community, collecting nudes, gaslighting/harassing them, breaking them into pieces, promising marriage, and going as far as to promise a life-saving medical treatment to a dear friend of mine. I am devastated by what I have read this morning, and "devasted" is not even powerful enough. Learning from Red that he talked about fucking me when we meet while we never talk about sex, never flirted or anything (we just small-talked once in a while lmao) might be a bit creepy but it's nothing compared to what he has done to girls here.

I am deeply sorry to all the people who have been hurt by his horrible actions and are now facing long-term consequences because of him, some of them being my close mutuals. I send positive vibes, love, and healing to every one of you who had to deal with this psycho. I know a lot of people have already said that but my DMs are opened if you need a safe place. The Peaky Blinders / Cillian Murphy community is a nice place, maybe the most welcoming place I've ever seen on the Internet but we should all keep in mind that it is not safe from ill-intentioned users and predators. Please stay safe and, for the victims, don't blame yourself. You haven't been naive nor stupid or anything. The only one to blame is the person behind Killian Vidal's persona, and for the evil you've done, I hope you'll get fucked with a chainsaw. Or just fucking rot in hell.

Shark.

[sadieladyxo]

i just realized ive never actually done an introduction on here.. nobody really views my account anyway but idk im bored so

(a LOT) about me:

okay hi!! my name is sadie and some people call me dee, my pronouns are she/her

im 18

i LOVE jojos bizarre adventure SOOSOSOSOSOSO much ive been obsessed with it since i was like 12,, its literally my favorite thing in the world :] my favorite part is stone ocean

one of the reasons why i came back to tumblr was bc everyone is so mean and judgmental on other social apps, but here i feel like i can be myself, and i dont have to hide my personality like i usually do; thats what i love about this app,, ive literally never met a mean person on the jjba tumblr community because youre all so chill and kind :3

i never really fit in with people irl, i guess i could say my appearance doesnt match my personality at all, people act so surprised when i tell them about my interests. being a conventionally attractive basic blonde chick has its upsides but one of the downsides is that its nearly impossible for me to find friends. i dont fit in with the other basic girls because they all talk about boys and drama and all that lame stuff, and then the actually interesting people who share interests with me just assume im mean like the other basic blonde girls and avoid me :] i hope to make some new friends on here as ill probably be more active now

im also a radical feminist and im very passionate about womens rights! please dni if you disagree with feminism i dont want any filthy misogynists here

i dont really care what jojo characters you ship, i personally dont like most of the straight ships but i can deal with it lolol

im pretty laid back, i dont get offended easily at all. i dont really care about most things.. in other words im not as woke as most of the people on here, but i dont spread hate or anything…i just dont.. really care..? i hope this makes sense lolol im high af typing this

ok i think thats all,

if u actually read this far i love you so much

have a great day beautiful

oh and nobody asked but this is my cat

[dogswest]

This was on my main blog which is where I keep art only which is why I'm reposting here.

This entire thing feels like you're twisting my words and targeting everyone who is mentally ill and I honestly think that is what pisses me off the most about this. Yeah I've said shit like "seek therapy" and other things along those lines to an extreme, but you're saying that as if I'm saying that to people who aren't actively ECOURAGING other people with mental illness to se/f h4rm, saying to others that inc3st is okay, saying to others that p3doph1ilia is okay, saying being attracted to ACTUAL ANIMALS is ok because they'd (a) "Never do that irl" or (b) "in fiction". Mental illness isn't an excuse for the fucked up shit you do and show; it's a reason, sure, but that doesn't mean everyone should turn a blind eye because you have something going on. I'm mentally ill, I've surrounded myself with people who hurt me and I've surrounded myself with people who I hurt, but I never learned that what I was doing was horrible until a professional actually told me. However it wasn't a therapist I hired, it was a random ass counselor who saw a kid who needed SERIOUS help and encouraged them to get it. People NEED to hear it from a professional, no matter where its from, to understand that shit they're doing is dangerous. I'm not calling people with mental illness a danger, I'm telling people that the shit they are doing is dangerous.

Secondly, I GET IT. I know what its like to have to fight for mental healthcare. I've had shitty therapists, I've had points in my life where I didn't think I needed therapy, I've had points in my life where I was denied therapy, I've surrounded myself with people who encouraged me to continue these bad things, and its not easy to just pick up even if you apply yourself. But if people are willing to help you actually get the shit you need. People don't always know they can actually get help if they ask the right people. ENCOURAGING OTHERS to do the shit that you're AWARE isn't healthy and can be dangerous for others; THAT is dangerous. THAT is inexcusable.

And quit acting like I'm stupid and spend my time being mad online. I'm actively fighting for and against shit that is going on in the real world. I'm going to protests, I'm helping friends in need, I'm contributing where I know I can. But just because because there's "better things to worry about" doesn't mean I'm gonna turn a blind eye towards people who are actively causing harm and taking advantage of minors, other mentally ill people who need that help, or anyone else who ends up being vulnerable to manipulation. That's what people who are PROUD OF being a prosh1tter are encouraging and doing. I don't give a FUCK if its "the internet, get used to it" because it's not something that should be normal or glorified because of the shit it can do to a person.

I get that I'm an asshole for how aggressive I am, I get that I shouldn't be calling mentally ill people dangerous and I'm sorry for that. I should understand that calling people dangerous when they're clearly going through horrible shit is just bad and I shouldn't let my emotions on the situation make me hurt people who don't mean to hurt others. I don't always know the full story and I can't always tell if they're aware or not. Which is why I will be doing what you said, which is just blocking and reporting those people and not trying to further involve myself. But the reason I'm so aggressive and say shit like that is because majority of you people are AWARE of the shit you're doing and that's what I cannot stand. I'm targeting the group of people who are encouraging people to selfh4rm and/or circle jerk themselves by saying that everything they do is fine while aware of what they're doing. NOTHING EXCUSES ENDANGERING OTHER PEOPLE, certain things can be a reason and it can add a lot to the equation, but NEVER an excuse.

Lastly, you coming into my ask just to tell me I'm being childish by saying shit like "waa waa" to mock me is just as hypocritical as I am for going into people's asks and telling them they need therapy. The only difference is, there's a CHANCE I can actually do something productive. There's a chance someone will look at that and be like "maybe I should do that" or even "oh yeah I should continue doing that". Just like how you're hoping there's a chance I'll change my mind, which I did to the smallest degree and that's by not digging into peoples personal lives and just doing what I know I can (reporting and blocking), but it feels like one of us wants to both of us to go up while the other wants both of us to go down and that's why I think that you're so obviously more in the wrong.

Listen, idgaf what you do typically when it comes to weird shit just as long as everyone's an adult, aren't related, can conscious, and are able to verbally consent. Idgaf if you think it's hot to stab your s/o in a roleplay, Idgaf if you think it's cute or aesthetic to be blown up or act like a puppy or consent to whatever, but encouraging and exposing that shit to people who are vulnerable and don't know that it's dangerous makes you dangerous, doesn't matter what you have or what you are. Keep that shit in private and legal.

If you want to continue arguing this, then do it in my DMs, because you're right about one thing: I'm gonna respect my DNIs for my own mental health by just reporting and blocking. I'm not gonna try to attract more stink bugs by squashing one.

[mishydraws]

Very... very unfortunate life update

Hi, everyone.

Ok, I don’t want to waste your time but I wanted to be upfront about what’s going on in my life just so you all know.

Last night I got what is probably one of the worst emails that could have ever appeared in my inbox? Our landlord has given us a 60-day notice to get out. For context, my mom and I have been living here since the year 2000. We have never been late on rent or missed a payment despite every difficulty life has thrown at us in that time and this has completely blindsided us.

We haven’t spoken to any of the neighbors yet but some of the wording on the notice makes me think that they may be kicking out the entire building. Or maybe they’re just targeting those of us in the non-renovated units because we’ve been here so long and they could charge a new tenant much more with a quick kitchen and bathroom upgrade. Renoviction is a new word I just learned. I don’t know. That’s what happened to my brother at his last apartment. They kicked out everyone in his building, renovated, raised the rent, then let new people move in.

They suddenly started increasing our rent every year like clockwork a few years ago so I’ve had a feeling they’ve been trying to price us out for a while but I didn’t know they could just… tell us to leave just because they can. Rent consistently paid up and everything for 24 years.

The notice we received really doesn’t say much so it’s all speculation I guess. It doesn’t state a reason why it just says we need to be gone by March 31st.

But basically, I’m really not doing well right now in all honesty. I slept for maybe an hour last night and it’s like a switch flipped in me as soon as I read the email. My stomach has had this weird knotted feeling ever since and I can’t stand up for more than a few minutes before needing to lie down again in case I either faint or vomit… I’m not sure which but it’s been this way since last night. I had to stand up at the sink to wash one singular dish from dinner and I could barely do it. At least I didn’t see the email until after I ate last night because I still have no appetite now.

However bad I’m feeling I know my mom is probably feeling worse. She has been for a while. She’s getting older and my dad is no longer alive. Aside from my brother and one irl friend I still see in person regularly, we have no family or other support system in this country and are well and truly on our own, staring down the barrel of homelessness if we can’t quickly secure a place and move decades worth of our life there before the end of March.

All of this to say, I don’t know what our usual art shenanigans here are going to look like during this time. I am incredibly stressed to the point where I am physically ill but I also can’t pause and step away because I do need the income that I receive from your support of me/my art here. It’s just the reality. I’ve never been particularly Big And Successful with what I do so your support means all the much more and makes a real impact on my life.

I am so sorry if this dampens your mood at all today or if you notice a decrease in the quality of art I’m able to deliver over the next few months but I will try my best to keep things rolling and let you know if there’s any particular delays to expect.

To top it off, I requested a tour of a nearby apartment last night (more expensive than our current) and the name of the person who just texted me back has the same name as our current landlord. Who wants to start taking bets? I know for a fact they own a lot of property in the area so this isn’t looking promising.

Anyways. Sorry for this downer of a post. If we’re not homeless in 2 months then… I dunno. I’ll have somewhere indoors to do art? Yay? You can imagine the housing market we’re dealing with being in California. The prospect of moving at this point has always been one of my biggest fears but we’ll see if we get lucky real fast 😢

If you've ever thought about supporting my Patreon or anything else, now and over the next few months might be a good time if you can swing it. Maybe it'll help us secure a place to move if I can point to it and be like 'Look! A whole income!' 🥲 Idk man.

There's an art update in the (public) post I made if you want to see what we're at least trying to work on for sticker club through all of this.

Mishy

[iguessitsjustme]

What’s been going on with me?

No one asked but this is the oversharing website and well. I’ve always treated my blog like my own personal diary. For those of you who know me irl, feel free to ignore. You either already know or you I’m planning on telling you when I get the chance (only you get more details then what I’ll post online). Under the cut for length and other reasons.

I debated posting this but I am incapable of shutting up and telling everyone my business. Well sort of. Obviously, I don’t go into a lot of detail but I share what I’m comfortable telling strangers online.

I had something happen roughly a month ago that massively triggered my ptsd. I also had a whole lot going on in my personal life and I decided to take a break from tumblr for about a week. That break was great. But it became clear not long after I came back from my week break that it wasn’t long enough. Now, if we’re mutuals it’s likely that you’ve noticed I haven’t exactly taken a full break from tumblr and I’ve been here lurking and liking. But I definitely took a break from posting. June and July are already extremely rough months for me mentally and there were things about being on tumblr that made me feel…not great. So I decided to take a step back for myself. I also cut down on the amount of shows I’m watching. I had to place a lot of shows on hold because I no longer had the brain space for them. I’m planning on watching them when I have the time and capacity though.

I have also been…physically ill. I don’t talk about it a whole lot on here but I am chronically ill and it doesn’t often flare up and it doesn’t often flare up bad enough to impact my life but I can honestly say that the month of July has been one of the toughest months of my life. (Please don’t worry about me, I have a rock solid support system and I am doing okay.)

But as a result of my ptsd being triggered and my mental health tanking so severely, I really sat with why tumblr was contributing to this. And I had to come to a decision. I realized that over the past few years, in an attempt to make my blog as safe a space as possible for everyone, I have turned myself into a doormat. I have said before that it is a struggle for me to be kind because my natural state of being is to be mean. So I’ve decided that I’m just gonna be myself. I am going to be mean. That’s not to say that I’m going to go out of my way to be mean and rude and cruel to people. What I mean is, I’m gonna stop pulling punches if people come to me. If you do something weird, I am going to call a spade a spade and call you on it. My motto in real life and now on tumblr is “don’t start nothing, won’t be nothing.” Before I can make my blog a safe space for others, I need to make it a safe space for me. Because I was very close to deactivating my blog and never turning back. BL tumblr can be a wonderful community and I genuinely love it with all my heart (why I am still here and did not deactivate) but dear god we all need to stop policing each other. It’s one thing to have boundaries and it’s entirely another to tell people if they don’t post the way you do, that they’re wrong. If you come on my blog, if you interact with me in some way, you do not get to control what I say, how I say it, or how I post. By all means, if I am being problematic, call me on that shit. But if all we have is a difference of opinion, you don’t get to say shit. That’s not to mean that we can’t have a difference of opinion, but if you in any way imply that I am wrong to be sharing my opinion in any way, then congrats, you’ll see what I’m like when I’m mean. (To be clear, I have a whole list of blocked people now but tumblr is shit so I still see some toxic shit here because tumblr’s blocking system is ass. and before you tell me to use xkit, I do on my laptop but that doesn’t help if I’m on my phone.)

So now that I’ve said…all that. I want to share two things from the past week or so:

I saw Deadpool & Wolverine twice. Those two did definitely fuck in that van. The soundtrack slapped and I’m not just saying that because Stray Kids has a song…somewhere…in that movie. Apparently. Also their song for the movie goes SO HARD. Check out Slash by Stray Kids and then tell me your thoughts.

Speaking of Stray Kids. I saw them at Lollapalooza yesterday! They were GREAT. I was not. I felt wholey unwell the whole time. I am too introverted, too old, and too ill for music festivals. But if you get a chance to see some clips of the performance…just think of me, in the crowd, screaming despite feeling not too hot. (And when I say ill I mean my chronic illness not that I went to a crowded place with a contagious disease). I made a new friend there and I got to see them perform so many songs live. I don’t have a lot of videos or photos of the performances because I was too busy being entranced but I will say that I didn’t know I had to see Super Bowl live until I did. I did not realize I bad I wanted it. And seeing Back Door and God’s Menu live was simply a dream come true. I was close to tears but I held back because I needed to be able to SEE.

And speaking of lolla…one of the bands I saw there (same stage as Stray Kids) is Sundial and they are just…delightful. Wonderful stage presence and a fuckton of talent and if you are looking for some new music/new artist to check out, I HIGHLY recommend. They had a new fan out of me before the first song even ended.

I don’t have much else to add. As always you are welcome to DM me, reply, or send me things to my ask box but energy will be matched. If you’re kind and understanding and approach me genuinely, we’ll get on well. I have made some truly amazing friends here. I mean this when I say that my mutuals are really some of the greatest people on the planet and they deserve all of the love in the world. I love you all so much that I couldn’t leave despite how close I came to leaving. I also would like to add that despite all of the above, I am genuinely and truly fine. I will start posting again and annoy you all with my unhinged thoughts yet again <3

[papirouge]

How can you stand going into nazi discussions and reading all the crap they're writing? I hate them so much lol

I don't understand women who entertain those kind of men, I know some of them are men pretending to be women but some of them are the real deal... like they'll never respect and accept them as one of them except to be a white babies factory, yet these womens racism is bigger than their self respect and self esteem.

But what I understand even less is non-whites entertaining neo nazi ideology. I'm aware that just like with women some are just white people pretending to be PoCs, but I've known actual poc thta agree with nazism and some even post pics of themselves. It's so ugly lol but I've noticed that they always seem to be non-black PoC or if black they're light skin, they just seem to have the mentality of "at least i'm not a n*gger 🤪" thus why they think they can mingle with the whiteys and be accepted by them. Like many of them are usually pale-skinned latinos or east asians from what I've noticed. And neo nazis sometimes entertain them because they realize they're good for creating division between non-whites but they never really accept them as one of them - they're just their fighting dogs. These idiots need to realize many nazis and white supremacists barely accept white people with black hair and brown eyes as their own (sometimes they'll accept them but consider them less pure and beautiful than their blue/green eyes blond haired counterparts). That's why you'll see blond, blue-eyed neo nazi men constantly dunk on white women and brown-eyed dark haired people - even though they could be his allies he still needs to feel superior to them because he probably has nothing going for him except for his race and sex (which he has convinced himself makes him superior). He doesn't have to work for it or earn it he simply is born superior and everyone else should understand that too and treat him as such. When you think about it, it's really pathetic and stupid.

Last thing is I'll always laugh at neo nazis talking about black or brown people marrying white to "bleach/lighten their genes". Not because it's not true; many brown and black people do wish they could have light skin or white kids, hopefully with light eyes and hair too (mentol illness), but because dark skin, dark hair and brown eyes are DOMINANT genes!!! So are "black features". This is why they'll never make me feel bad about my features, God made them dominant and theirs recessive lol perhaps for a reason (this is why christians white supremacists are even more stupid to me).

I think women drawn to Nazi/misogynist see in it a form a "strong masculinity" they don't find in more liberal men. They're too dumb to realize those moids only talk smack from their socials but will shit themselves if confronted IRL with any of the demographics they shit on the regular. I mean, for so called strong men they, White nationalists are actually pretty meek when it come to display outward sign of their opinion in the real world. That's why they only do so in rallies. Standing alone they are scaredy cats that will play victim #antiwhitegenocide. You can bet that the person who made the tweet saying she went out of her way to say she was racist to that foreign bus driver whose only crime was being friendly, that if the bus driver would've reacted aggressively she would act like she was the victim. Because nazi & racists love playing the victim card whenever they initiate antagonization.¯⁠\⁠_⁠(⁠ツ⁠)⁠_⁠/⁠¯

And yeah you're totally right about racist/Nazi non White rallying around the "at least I'm not Black" thing. It's very true for Hispanics (like Stonetoss) or Indians. No one tells them white Nazi will always consider them like inferior pawns they'll toss away the moment they're not useful. Same goes for women they'll shit on they do a step aside. Lauren Southern and Candace Owens are case study. I think dunking on other race help them cope with their otherwise shitty life : they're unemployed, broke, lonely...but at least they're not Black 🤪

And what's so funny with the so called superior aryan race is how hellbent they are to show they're superior. When you're truly secure in your superiority, you don't waste time trying to prove it. Lions don't run with dogs. I mean, I always found crazy they so much into the bio essentialist bs about IQ but yet oblivious to the fact that their own gene are recessive. Shouldn't nature favor high IQ Aryan gene instead? 🤔 Like- it never clicked to me how they flip flop around biological essentialism lol