#this is the only way i can trick myself into exercising | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

natalievoncatte · 1 year ago

Text

“What I did wasn’t personal,” Lena said.

Supergirl had already turned to face her. There were words formed on her lips, but Alex struck first, bringing her viper wit where it wasn’t needed or welcome.

“You had a stash of ‘Kills Kryptonians’. It’s personal,” said Alex.

Lena ignored her, looking directly at Supergirl.

“You know I’d never use it that way.”

“You kept secrets,” said Supergirl. “Secrets change things. I don’t like secrets.”

“Oh really,” Lena spat, knowing she’d regret what came next. “You don’t like secrets. Okay. What’s your real name?”

Alex flinched. Supergirl stared her down. Even in this miserable place, she was inhumanly beautiful, even if Lena was a little resentful that she’d been bitching about walking fifty yards a few moments ago, and making light of exercise, when she had the audacity to look like that.

The pause grew heavy. Something seemed to turn behind Supergirl’s eyes, like she was working something out. Her expression softened lightly.

“Why didn’t you come to me about Sam? I thought we trusted each other.”

“How can I trust you?” Lena said. “You still hold me at arm’s length, won’t let me in, only look for my help when it’s convenient for you. Maybe I should have sought your help, but it isn’t like I have you on speed dial, is it? What was I supposed to do, toss myself off a balcony and hope you were having coffee with Kara Danvers again?”

Supergirl flinched. Looking at Lena intently, she stepped closer, and Alex grew visibly nervous.

“Supergirl…” she said.

“You want to know my real name?”

“Yes,” Lena said, her voice suddenly unsteady, her palms breaking out in a sweat despite the cool, stale air. She stood her ground before a being that could level a mountain with a look and held her gaze.

“Kryptonian names are patronymics, sort of. A man’s name is his own and that of his family. So, for example, my cousin’s name is Kal-El. His father was Jor-El.”

“I knew that already,” said Lena. “Your cousin shared that an interview with Lois Lane.”

“He can share his because he has a name that was given to him by his adoptive family,” said Supergirl, her voice softening as she took another step closer. “I still use my Kryptonian first name.”

Something about that itched at Lena’s brain, but she wasn’t sure what.

“Supergirl,” Alex hissed. “You can’t… we can’t…”

Supergirl threw her a glance. “What? Trust her?” She looked at Lena. “My father was Joe-El’s brother, Zor-El. My mother’s name was Alura In-Ze.”

Lena licked her lips.

“They gave me the name Kara,” said Kara Zor-El. “On Earth, I accepted the surname of the family that took me in to raise me when my cousin gave me up to them. My full name is Kara Zor-El Danvers.”

Lena stumbled a step back, her mouth falling open comically. It felt like the ground was bursting open and swallowing her up, her stomach dropping through her knees.

No. No, no, no, no. It couldn’t be.

“Look at me, Lena.”

Lena looked away from her.”

“Look at me.”

Lena looked.

Lena saw.

Her hair was down, but Lena knew those honeyed curls. Supergirl carried herself differently- her shoulders were proud where Kara tended to hunch down, make herself small, as if to pass through the world without touching it.

Lena hadn’t really looked before. Not like this. She’d studied Kara, maybe even mooned over Kara a little until she seemed to confirm she was straight by dating that alien jackass. She knew every part of her face from her soft lips to her feel blue eyes to that funny little scar right over her eye.

How had she not seen?

“Fucking hell, Kara!” Alex snapped.

Lena’s lip trembled. She clenched her fists to keep her hands steady, knowing they were shaking.

“You tricked me,” Lena hissed, “so many times, so many ways, running off and changing into that suit when I thought you were both people. The super-speed, right?”

“I’m sorry,” said Kara, her voice soft. “Let’s just…”

“I wasn’t finished,” said Lena. “You… you told me you were having coffee with Kara, but you are Kara. Kara… you caught me when they threw me off the balcony. You risked being killed by a kryptonite explosion when Metallo went critical. You… you were… Jesus Christ, the plane, the chemicals, that was you?”

Kara’s eyes grew wider with every syllable and even in the gloom, Lena could swear she saw tears welling up within them.

“She’s risked her life for you over and over and over,” Alex said, quietly. “Her faith in you has only wavered the once. She’s always defended you and insisted on your innocence even when I was ready to throw you in a cell,” said Alex. “She defended you from the first. Shit, she defended you from Superman.”

Lena looked from one to the other, staring at them both in turn, trying to keep her wobbly legs from completely collapsing under her.

“I owe you an apology,” said Kara, raising her gaze to meet Lena’s.

“Can you two do this later?” said Alex. “We’re on a mission, here.”

Lena swallowed, hard.

“Yeah. Let’s go find Sam.”

They did find Sam, eventually, but the plan went sideways. After they were thrust back into their bodies, Supergirl -Kara- curtly told her to help Brainy while she and Alex rushed off.

So Lena helped brainy, until it was time for her to leave. Eventually, she made her way back to her penthouse, and to a glass of single malt, neat. She savored its subtleties as she stared out at the stars.

She knew this would happen sooner or later, so she wasn’t surprised when Kara touched down on the balcony, looking utterly stunning and brave and dashing in her fancy suit. She motioned to knock at the glass.

“It’s not locked.”

“Hi,” said Kara, stepping inside.

Lena looked up. “I can’t believe I didn’t see. You’re just… you, in a different outfit.”

That wasn’t exactly true, Lena knew. As she walked into Lena’s living room, Kara had neither the mousy, retiring way of Kara Danvers nor the brash swagger of Supergirl. It was like she was seeing a third person, one who’d been fully revealed for the first time.

“I’ve been going back and forth in my mind, trying to decide what parts of our friendship were real.”

“All of it,” Kara said.

“If my brother were here, he’d say that you befriended me to spy on me and use my resources and genius for your own ends.”

“That’s not true.”

Lena took a sip, and breathed in through her parted lips after swallowing to savor it.

“I know. He said the same thing about Jack, actually. Lex always tries to convince me that anyone else in my life is just after my name or money or body.”

Kara said nothing. Lena looked up.

“Just because he’s a madman who wants to gaslight me into being a supervillain doesn’t mean he’s always wrong. Does it?”

Kara swallowed, hard.

“You’ve been very insistent on being my friend,” said Lena. “You practically barged into my life and broke down all my barriers with your earnest kindness, but you were keeping yourself behind another one.”

“The first time I ever saw you, I knew in my heart that you were nothing like him,” said Kara. “I remember every detail.”

“In my office, with Kent.”

“No. In the helicopter. That was the first time I saw you.”

Lena swirled the dregs in her glass. “Oh. Right.”

“I just had to know you. You were compelling, and the way you treated me in your office that day was a huge part of that. You seemed so… I don’t even know how to describe it. I just knew I had to be close to you.”

A fit of pique moved her arm before she could contain herself, and Lena threw the glass. Kara snatched it from the air and placed it on the table without spilling a drop.

She was closer now, standing within arm’s reach.

“You can’t just say things like that to me,” Lena almost hissed, her voice loosened by the whiskey and the one before and the one before that.

“Why?” said Kara.

Lena looked up, swaying slightly.

“You told me your name.”

“I should have sooner. We could have worked together. We could have done a lot of things.”

“Fuck,” Lena snapped. “You’re doing it again! Knock it off?”

“Knock what off?”

“You goddamn well what,” said Lena. “Or maybe you really don’t.”

“I’m sorry,” said Kara. “I just don’t understand. Can you… do you want to tell me what you mean?”

“I… sit down.”

Kara swept her cape aside and sat primly in a side chair, folding her hands in her lap, worrying at the back of her thumb with her other thumb. God, she even had Kara’s mannerisms.”

“I’m gay,” said Lena.

Kara swallowed. “But… you were with Jack… and James… and you really seem to like the letter J,” Kara said, lamely.

“It’s called bisexuality, Kara. It’s a thing.”

“Oh, I um, I don’t really get ‘sexualities.’ On Krypton, we didn’t have sexual preferences. We didn’t choose our partners at all, everything was arranged.”

“That sounds awful,” said Lena.

Kara looked away. “It was our way and it worked. We had stable families, and most people had a kind of love. My parents loved each other.”

Lena sighed. “I wish I could say that. One of my parents didn’t love anyone but himself. Your sister is gay, Kara. How can you not understand it?”

“I understand that. I just find the whole thing confusing, and overwhelming. I keep looking for this spark that everyone talks about, and these ‘gut feelings’, but every time I think I’ve had it, it wasn’t right.”

“It seemed right with Mon-El. Oh. Oh Jesus. You banished your own boyfriend from Earth.”

Kara shook her head. “I know it did. I thought it did. I just never… it was the idea of him. I was checking a box. I was with him to have a boyfriend, not to have him. We’re really different people.”

“Why are we talking about this again?” said Lena.

Kara suddenly looked nervous, and thus even more like herself.

“I don’t know. It just seems to have happened. Kind of like our whole friendship. I never made a plan to be your friend. I never had an agenda. I just needed you in my life without knowing why. You just bring me joy.”

Lena wanted to laugh. She wanted to cry, she wanted to scream.

You big indestructible goof, that is the spark!

“I should have told you about me after Medusa. I should have trusted you then, but Alex talked me out of it. I didn’t push past when it counted. I know you doubt how much you mean to me now, and I’m so sorry I did that.”

“I’d never hurt you, ever,” said Lena. “Even if you weren’t Kara. But I could never hurt her. You.”

“I know.

“For what it’s worth,” said Lena. “I felt it too. That pull, that need to know you. That’s why I allowed you to get close to me instead of being bundled off by my security. I felt it from the first, that day you came to my office. I might have felt it a little during the helicopter crash, too.”

Kara nodded.

“I feel like there’s something we’re both not saying.”

Lena licked her lips.

“I have to stop the worldkillers. I have to save Sam. I have to fix it all. I just needed to talk to you first. See you first, see you again, just the two of us.”

Lena nodded, swallowing.

“I guess I should go.”

Lena wanted to tell her not to. To ask her to spend the night, change out of that ridiculous suit, to just be Kara and stay with her, but it dawned on her now that it could never be quite like that again. Kara was Supergirl and Supergirl had to be shared with the world.

“I want to help. I’ll come to the DEO.”

“Okay,” said Kara. “I’ll see you there.”

She stood up and walked to the balcony, pausing before she opened the door. She didn’t turn when she spoke, as if she was afraid to face Lena, to face the answer.

“Do you think, when this is over, we can try it again? Try to fix it?”

“Is that something you want?” Said Lena.

“That pull is still there.”

“I know,” said Lena. “I feel it too.”

Kara’s shoulders rose and fell, as if she’d just rolled a great burden from her back.

“Okay,” she said. “Okay. I’ll see you back at the DEO. Goodnight, Lena.”

“Goodnight, Kara.”

She slid the balcony door open and stepped out, pausing for just the briefest second before lifting off, sending a gentle gust of chilly night air rolling into Lena’s penthouse.

Lena let the breeze flow in for a while before she stood up and went to the door, meaning to close it. Instead, she stepped outside, leaning on the railing as the chill raised gooseflesh on her arms.

“I feel it, too.”

1K notes · View notes

jcollinswrites · 2 months ago

Note

How the fudge are you writting so fast??? I sit down to write and end up with nothing or reworking plot instead of writing 😭Have any tips you want to share? Perhaps the ingredients to the dark ritual you perform to get the motivation and remain focused 👀👀👀

So, first of all, you'll need half a newborn, shaken, not stirred…

lol jk (don't shake babies)

Believe it or not I'm the same as you, so here are some stuff that helped me tremendously, especially with my squirrel ADHD brain:

NUMBER ONE that I needed 20 years to learn, is that… forget editing, man. You can't edit if there is nothing to edit, so first you have to sit ya ass down and just fuckin' do it. It doesn't matter if it's shit at first. It's called work in progress for a reason. Who cares if it's shit? You can edit it LATER when the whole thing is already done. What you're reading in my game is literally my first draft. Lots of scenes might change later. In fact, I'm already changing scenes in the background, I'm just not always telling you. It doesn't matter. If anyone gives you shit for it, tell them to kindly fuck right off.

Have a plan for the book (written down. Not just in your head). Don't even start writing until you have a plan for the entire book. It doesn't have to be detailed. Mine is just bulletpoints, but you should know which chapter will contain what, including plot points, character development, relationship progress etc, otherwise you'll get lost, especially in a big IF. And then as you get closer to the next chapter, you can work out more details in the plan to help the actual writing.

If you don't feel like writing a scene, then don't write it. Leave a placeholder word there (I use 'mandarin' because that word likely won't come up anywhere else in the text), and instantly move on to another scene that you have inspiration for. Later, you can just search for 'mandarin' and add the scene when you feel like it. If you accidentally come across any MANDARINs in my game, that's the reason lol.

If you are writing an IF, it helps to start simple. Write the story until a choice comes up, then write the title of the choices, and continue ONLY with the route you feel the most inspired for atm (use mandarin for the rest). Don't let your momentum die by getting bogged down in choices. That's why I have so many greyed out choices when I start a new origin or chapter. I just write write write until the end of the chapter, THEN I go back to whatever choice is the simplest to add, and put the variations in the already-existing text if needed. Repeat until all the choices are written and coded in. This way, the text might feel more organic too, because you already have a pre-written skeleton that you can just add variations in.

Keep notes. It helps to have them on paper, next to you, so f.ex. when you make 9 different deities to choose from, you don't have to go back to the beginning of the chapter every single time to look up which deities those were and what they mean, you can simply turn your head to the side lol.

Take regular breaks. Exercise, stretch. Keep a daily schedule. Eat and drink enough. Try to keep a good health. Your brain won't work if it's starved.

Know yourself and your habits, and be honest with yourself. I know of myself that once I start working on the big plot points, I won't have any motivation to come back to the beginning again. That's why I'm writing all the origin stories first, because I know that if I start going into chapter 2, I definitely won't feel like coming back to start yet another route from the very beginning. So if you don't feel like doing something, then just… don't do it. Or do it simpler. Do it smarter. Trick that asshole brain into cooperating.

Last but not least, guys, 90% of my motivation COMES FROM YOU! Your engagement, your messages, your feedback, every little interaction is what keeps me going! So write me! I will answer! (if you aren't a dick). Literally, about anything. Even if it's just "hey I really liked this small detail here", that will already make my day, seriously. I LOVE talking about my work, and I'm pretty sure every author is like that, so keep engaging with writers, because that's 90% of the reason when a novel gets finished! I'm writing for YOU! Your enjoyment, your fun, because I love telling stories, but those stories don't mean anything if no one is reading them.

#interactive fiction #weeping gods #writing advice #how to not be a sack of potato aka me #i honestly surprise myself every single time when i write more than 3k words a week #i have to keep my brain constantly entertained otherwise no productivity will happen

94 notes · View notes

multi-fandoms-posts · 4 months ago

Text

Smut 18+

Imagine:

Qimir sees you for the first time in your new Sith outfit.

I'm sitting in my room, looking at something on the holopad, when there's a knock. "Y/N, time to train!" Qimir calls. "Yes, Master, just a moment, I still have to change," I say, hurrying up because I've completely forgotten about training.

I love training with my master. I love the way he gives orders. I grab my lightsaber and go downstairs. "Sorry, Master," I say. "It's fine, let's get started," he says, turning to me. Qimir looks me up and down. "Is this new?" he asks. I can see he likes it, and that was exactly my plan. "Yes, Master," I say. "Don't you like it, Master?"I ask. I see Qimir's eyes widen in shock. "The outfit looks good on you," he smiles. "Thank you, Master," I smile.

Even though it's unlikely that he loves me, I've decided to tease him a little here and there. Today, I just wanted to challenge him. I want to see how far I can go.

“Master,” I say. “Yes,” he says.

"Can you show me the lightsaber exercises again? I don't know how to hold it," I say. "Of course," says Qimir and takes out his lightsaber to show me the exercises. I know how to do it, of course, but I want to see how far I can go.

"Master, it just doesn't work," I say frustrated. "I'll show you differently," he smiles. Ohoh, that's easy to misunderstand. Qimir comes behind me and takes my hand in his. I can feel his warmth. This is going better than I thought. I press myself a little closer to his crotch and hear a quiet growl from him. I repeat it, only this time I feel a hardening.

I suddenly feel breath in my ear. "It would be better for you if you stopped," he growls. "Do you think I don't notice that you're playing dumb here?" he whispers in my ear. I'm shocked. "Did you think you could trick me, your master, like that?" he growls and presses himself against me. A quiet moan escapes me when I feel the girth of his cock. "Shit," I curse.

I didn't think it would come to this. "Are you so needy for your Master?" he grins. I can't say a word, this is all so intoxicating. I never thought it would go this far, but I like it. Qimir suddenly pulls away from me completely and I turn to face him. "Answer me when I ask you" he says roughly. "Y-yes, Master," I say, looking away.

My confidence is waning. Qimir grabs me gently and forces me to look at him. "For months I've heard your thoughts, how you think about me, how you try to upset me. I always hear you when you touch yourself, how you wish I would touch you like that," he growls. I look at him in shock. I'm embarrassed now. He knew it all along.

"Master, I..." I am interrupted as his hand slowly slides into my panties. I gasp. His fingers touch my entrance. "You're so wet" he growls, biting my earlobe "Qimir" I moan "That means Master to you" he says as he sticks a finger inside me "Shit" I moan and cling to him "You're mine" he says as he sticks another finger inside me and increases his pace. Just before I could come, he pulls his fingers out. I moan at the sudden emptiness and scowl at him. Before I can say anything, he kisses me gently. I kiss him back immediately. "Let's go to my room and you show me how much you want your Master," he grins. "Yes, Master," I grin.

I never imagined it would end like this, but I'm not complaining. It's going to be an interesting night.

#star wars #star wars the acolyte #the acolyte #qimir #qimir x reader #star wars qimir x reader #manny jacinto x reader #qimir x reader smut #qimir smut #star wars x you #star wars x reader

112 notes · View notes

drdemonprince · 6 months ago

Text

TV Glow was devastating. incredibly effective visually, thematically, and performance-wise. Schoenbrun has leveled up in a major way since World's Fair, which I felt like I was five years too old for, both in terms of references and from having seen too much weird shit in this life to be impressed by her version of what's "scary" online.

This movie was far more creatively ambitious and emotionally resonance -- it having a bigger budget certainly helped stretch its legs, and Schoenbrun used it to its fullest.

Justice Smith's acting made me want to cry. He shows a true reverence for the material that few cis actors would; far from viewing the character as a little exercise, he transforms into her discomfort and sadness. His little voice warbles and the way his face softens with hope at a few crucial moments made my heart break for him, knowing already that the dreams he'd barely let himself hold onto would never come true.

I can't believe an Emma Stone produced wide release movie is about transgender egg drama here in 2024. jarring for something that once felt so private and esoteric to be broadly relatable to audiences now. it's fitting, given the movie is about a mass-release TV show that a handful of tender freaks think must be about something so much more than this world would ever let it be. kind of a funny trick there.

is this a movie about depressed isolated queer people whose minds curdle around a random media property because loneliness makes the brain turn inward and eat itself? or is it the tragic tale of a woman who never realized her destiny and allowed the matrix to keep plugging her repeatedly back in?

you can read it both ways at once and it's best if you do. some equipped with fandom goggles with elect to see it only in the more fantastical light.

There are already dozens of people coming out as transgender for the first time in their lives in the Letterboxd reviews of this film, saying they recognize their repression in Owen, their egg at last busted open by this heartbreaking tale of a life unfulfillingly lived. I get it -- before I transitioned, the same thing happened to me with Casey Plett's incredible story collection, A Safe Girl to Love. There is something painfully enchanting about the forever-unrealized trans person whose suffering we imagine would be escapable if only they could admit who they are.

But what do you do when you have overcome your fear of being "crazy," left your old world behind, and passed through that veil to become the person you were always meant to be, only to find that you are still stoop-shouldered and awkward, still overlooked with your heart cut out of you, apologizing to others for your asthma in between your death rattles? What if you never get all the poison out? After you figure out you're a hero from another dimension, what will you do if you can never get back?

I find myself asking these things, as a person who used to fantasize that transitioning would solve all my problems. The imagined future transitioned me felt so distant that it was easy to push him off. And then after years passed, when I finally reached out to claim him, I discovered he was just as awkward, lonesome, insecure, and unhappy as I was, because he was just me. If i'd always been transgender, then I'd always been unhappy for deeply transgender reasons back then, too, and I'd already known a whole lot more about what it meant to be me than I'd thought that I had. Fantasies had been a seductive distraction from the world that was trying to kill me, and they suffocated me whether I denied them or if I believed in them.

This is a movie about fantasies, and the suburbs, and about being transgender. And it's bleak, but I think some who are on the cusp of making the same realizations as Owen can't fully know why yet. Life on the other side of knowing is more liveable, but I can't explain why. It didn't make things better. It wasn't the great escape I had hoped. But it did force me to confront who I was and how many monsters there always had been all around me. And that's better than living in a fantasy.

72 notes · View notes

studentbyday · 9 months ago

Text

cheap and easy ways to romanticize your life ~it's about the little things~

˚୨୧⋆｡˚ ⋆ speak to yourself lovingly. you have the potential to be your best cheerleader because your mind is the only one you can read. when you find yourself feeling down bc of automatic negative thoughts, try to think of something about the situation that is genuinely good, however small it may feel. on a similar note, every night, try to come with at least 3 good things that happened or that you felt that day. they don't have to be big things. even just the absence of smth negative is a positive. (this is still taking sm practice after getting stuck in a pessimistic habit and struggling to keep myself accountable to change it, but it's so worth it, i promise. 🥲)

˚୨୧⋆｡˚ ⋆ start your day with music that puts you in the mood to...well, start your day. | personal favorites 🥰 morning coffee lofi • happy morning jazz • cozy jazz for when you don't want to think about anything

˚୨୧⋆｡˚ ⋆ get cozy. 🧣 hold something soft. 🧸 savor that texture, that comfort.

˚୨୧⋆｡˚ ⋆ forest bathing 🌲🥰 look out your window or better yet, step outside. breathe the air. get some sunlight. look at the sky. the clouds. trees. stars and moon. all the colors. all the shapes. listen for birdsong. the crunching of snow or grass under your feet. isn't it wonderful that we get to experience all this? when i'm feeling lonely and i step outside and look for any sign of nature, i realize just how much i'm not alone and there is good in the world.

˚୨୧⋆｡˚ ⋆ set up a nice ambience. there are many for free online that can sound as real and comforting as you want them to be for the days when indoors studying or what have you. study with me videos have literally tricked my brain into feeling like studying even if it's really just pseudo-external accountability (i can never wake up to watch them live lol).

˚୨୧⋆｡˚ ⋆ you are worth taking care of. so take care of yourself. start with smth really really small like leaving a glass of water by your bedside to drink first thing after waking up. then gradually add in slightly bigger things as you feel ready like taking care of your hair (literally did not know about proper washing technique until i watched this 😵) and skin (bare minimum: cleanser, sunscreen, and moisturizer), getting enough sleep, and exercising. "true self-care is not salt baths and chocolate cake, it is making the choice to build a life you don’t need to regularly escape from."

69 notes · View notes

lexicals · 1 month ago

Text

Contextless Flirting Has Won The Day It Seems

(I will in fact give some context: it's a cloud recesses era body swap fic)

I've very nearly finished this in its entirety I think but for now here is the snippet as promised :))

"Lan Zhan," Wei Wuxian complained, "Where are you dragging me to now? I haven't even done anything!"

Today, he added mentally. Well - since daybreak.

Lan Wangji did not spare him a glance. "Cultivation," he answered, his meaning quite clear: I will not neglect your core, and you will not be neglecting mine.

Wei Wuxian hung his head. This was so entirely unnecessary. He'd been able to feel as soon as he woke up that Lan Wangji's core was plenty strong - probably stronger than his! - and it would definitely, definitely not suffer from a week or two of slacking. But the Lan were creatures of habit to a fault; he should have expected that Lan Wangji would not suffer to let his body miss a single day's meditation.

To his surprise, Lan Wangji dragged him all the way to the Lan's cold spring. Then, perhaps even more confusingly, he did not undress or enter the water, instead sitting down on a rock near its edge and gesturing for Wei Wuxian to do the same. Not feeling in the mood for an argument, he did, only casting a slightly sour glance over to where Lan Wangji had already closed his eyes and begun to ignore him. It was an odd picture, Wei Wuxian thought - he doubted his face had ever looked so tranquil in his life.

Even if the sun was warm and the breeze refreshing, Wei Wuxian only managed a quarter of an hour before he could take no more and let himself slowly tip onto his back with a thud. When that earned him no response, he began to roll back and forth over the ground.

"Lan Zhan," he drawled, already covering his fresh grey robes with dirt and grass stains. "Lan Zhan. Lan Zhan!"

"Cultivation is performed in silence," Lan Wangji told him.

"You don't have to worry about my core, you know. Jiang Cheng will tell you, I've never bothered to meditate this much before now, and it's perfectly fine. You can feel it's strong, right?"

Lan Wangji fixed him with an odd look. Mostly, it was the usual cold judgement, but there was the tinest sprinkling of something else in there, too faint to identify any which way. "It could be stronger," he said. "If you applied yourself."

"I do apply myself," Wei Wuxian told him, feeling unusually defensive. "I just do it differently to you."

"Drinking alcohol and playing tricks is not application."

"Sure it is. My tricks exercise my mind, and drinking exercises my palate. Fun is also good for the spirit, you know."

Lan Wangji only closed his eyes again with a scathingly doubtful, "Mn."

Wei Wuxian huffed, picking a few blades of grass from his hair. Sitting in the sun had left him slightly sweaty, and he eyed the icy water of the cold spring contemplatively before hopping up onto Lan Wangji's rock and bending down towards him.

"Lan Zhan. Enough. Come swimming with me. Lan Zhan. Lan Zhan. Lan--"

He realised, abruptly, that he was being let away with a much higher level of annoyance than usual. At first, he'd thought it was an allowance due to their situation, but thinking on it further, either the depths of Lan Wangji's patience had tripled since the day before, or...

"Lan Zhan," he said again, squatting cautiously next to where he was still in his lotus pose, rigid and still as a jade figurine, "How come you haven't silenced me yet? Have you finally realised I'm entertaining after all?"

There was a barely perceptible twitch at the end of one of Lan Wangji's eyebrows. Wei Wuxian began to grin.

"Or... could it be that... the Lan silencing spell does not currently recognise Lan-er-gongzi as himself, and so..."

Slowly, Lan Wangji opened his eyes to fix him with a hard look. Wei Wuxian leaned back on his heels. "Ah, was I right?" he asked innocently. "I had hoped Lan-gongzi was just enjoying the conversation, but if I'm being an annoyance..."

"You are always an annoyance," Lan Wangji said, and closed his eyes again. Wei Wuxian took no offense at all, the corners of his mouth curling ever-higher, and he slouched fully onto the ground before reaching over and plucking a stem of tall, flowering grass from near the water's edge, twirling it between his fingers.

"Lan Zhan, do you like anyone?" he asked, watching his face carefully. He was rewarded with a very quickly suppressed flinch, and smiled slyly as he continued to wave the grass in his hand. "Ah, probably not, of course. Lan-er-gongzi is far too busy with his studies for such frivolities, right? Besides, your clan keeps men and women so separated, when would you have ever even spoken to a girl? Even if you wanted to."

Lan Wangji continued to steadfastly ignore him, but the furrow between his eyebrows was growing steadily deeper.

"Of course, if Lan-gongzi did have someone he liked, then all he would have to do right now is ask Wei-gege to go and flirt with her for him, if he was too inexperienced to do it himself," Wei Wuxian continued, tapping the fluffy end of the grass lightly against the end of Lan Wangji's nose. "Lan Zhan is very handsome, and I am very good at flirting. I got that loquat for you, remember? Even though you didn't want it." He trailed the grass down Lan Wangji's face, over his mouth down to his jaw, tickling underneath his chin. "So all you have to do is tell me who it is, and--"

Lan Wangji's eyes opened.

"Wei Ying," he said warningly. Just his name, no more. But Wei Wuxian felt his body go frigid, and then hot. His heart raced inside his chest like a prey animal. Even in someone else's voice, Lan Wangji's tone carried the same frost-burn chill, but this wasn't the hard, immovable glacier wall that he usually presented, no - this was the sound of rare winter days in Yungmeng when the lakes and rivers froze over, when you placed your foot onto a surface that looked solid only to feel before you heard the crack of it threatening to give way beneath you. The sound of the final, unmistakable warning it would give you, and if you didn't heed it, then all the more fool you were when it seized you and dragged you under into the current.

For once in his life, Wei Wuxian heeded. He backed off.

#wastepaper basket #Did I have a writing tag?? It's been a minute god #mdzs #wangxian #I'm gonna try to have the rest of this up on ao3 in like a week maybe I'm trying not to pressure myself #fic tag

22 notes · View notes

myneurospicyspirit · 10 months ago

Text

Capable of Shifting AND Worthy of Shifting

Growing up neurodivergent, especially undiagnosed or with poor support, can make someone feel like they're not enough.

I know it did for me.

I spent years working three times as hard to prove I was worth something. I masked who I was to try to appear as someone who was enough. I beat myself up when I failed because it's what I thought I deserved. I kept working because I never thought I was good enough.

My "strong work ethic" was actually a coping mechanism to battle chronic feelings of unworthiness. Even when I was naturally good at something, I didn't feel "worthy" of it until I had worked myself to the bone to be the best.

Long story short, the same thing happened with shifting.

I shifted fairly quickly (less than a month after discovering it), and even though it was only momentary shifts, I felt super proud of myself for doing it. However, then I learned that it took many others a long time and needing to practice more, learn more, etc. I started to believe that I had to put in more work to shift in order to be worthy of shifting... even though I had already shifted.

The Point:

Many of us know that we are capable of shifting - but we are unsure if we are worthy of shifting. We are unsure if we are allowed to shift.

It's been so ingrained in us that we have to work hard for things, jump through hoops, prove ourselves, that to believe that we're allowed to have a good thing just because is completely foreign.

So...:

Give yourself permission to shift. Give yourself permission to be good at shifting. Remind yourself that you don't have to prove anything to anyone in order to shift.

I think every school had a teacher that would do this trick: you'd have to use the bathroom and ask "can I go to the bathroom?" Their answer would be "I dont know - can you?" They would wait until you asked "may I go to the bathroom?" to give you permission.

So the affirmation "I can shift" will only get you so far if the answer is yes (and it is yes). It is telling you that you have the capability, but not giving you permission to use that capability. It's letting you know that you can do something, but not saying it in a way which necessarily makes you feel worthy of possessing that power and using it.

Here are some thoughts/affirmations/ideas to help with recognizing that you are allowed to shift and are worthy of shifting:

Affirmations: "I may shift" (instead of "I can shift"), "I give myself permission to shift", "I allow myself to shift", "I am worthy of shifting", "I am enough to shift", "I deem myself worthy of shifting", etc.

Remember that everyone's shifting journey is individual and not based on how much work someone has put in, how long they've been trying to shift, how fancy their script is, etc. You shift when your journey is for YOU and what you want!

Let shifting be enjoyable for you - you are worthy of an enjoyable journey.

Let shifting be yours - you are worthy of having your journey belong to you and nobody else.

On nights when you aren't trying to shift, recognize that you could shift if you wanted to. ("I am allowed to shift tonight, but I don't want to so I am not going to.")

Exercise giving yourself permission to be good at things. Are you super talented at something? What about your special interest? Take the chance to show off a little, even if it's just to yourself.

Exercise giving yourself permission to be good at things related to shifting. Are your scripts gorgeous? Share them (if you're comfortable)! Do you make the best DR playlists? Tell us all about it. Literally anything that you're good at that is related to shifting, give yourself lots of credit for! You deserve it ❤️

#reality shifting #shifting #shifting advice #reality shift #shifting consciousness #shiftblr #shifting realities #reality shifter

80 notes · View notes

liesmyth · 5 months ago

Note

hi resident jock (pos) on my dash do you have any tips for getting into working out when you are a) depressed b) very out of shape c) very self-conscious about it and d) have very bad adhd that makes it hard to focus on working out for more than 10 min

anon!!! ily sending hugs if you want them. I've absolutely been there because my focus and motivations are flighty as hell, and it's aways hard (for me) to get back into exercise after an off period and finding everything harder than it used to be.

some ways to trick your brain into doing the thing

give yourself permission to suck. for a given value of “sucking” — I say this as someone who often doesn't do things because of crippling perfectionism. Tell yourself that it's fine to leave your workout unfinished or to modify it halfway into something easier. Think of it as a recon mission. You're finding your current baseline. It doesn't have to be impressive! you're a work in progress

make a step by step plan with bonus points. maybe the plan is just to get to the gym and fuck around there for five minutes. so it'll look something like: step one put on your shoes. step two find the gym bag. step three actually walk inside. step four, find a mat and stretch. there!!! you're done!! everything else on your list is bonuses

self rewards!! motivation-wise, usually I have an audiobook I really enjoy that I only allow myself to listen while I'm at the gym or on a run, and it works for me, but any other treat / reward system of your choice

In terms of actually doing a workout when you feel out of shape, I think it really helps to frame exercise in your mind as something you can do for your body and your body allows you do. It's amazing — I don't mean to sound cheesy, but it's true. Your body let's you move around and skip and lift stuff. You joints all work together. Instead of going straight to "fatigue" allow me yourself to fuck around a bit just getting in tune with your body and where you're at right now, and think about the things you can do rather than the things you can't. Stretching is very good for this IMO — if you haven't moved for a while, it WILL feel both demanding and beneficial. Bodyweight movements like core bracing and lunges and squats. Walking for a bit at an even pace. Hopefully after the "shock" of consciously working out intentionally for the first time in some time wears off, you'll feel less self conscious about it. Try to think about it less as something that's telling of yourself as a person and more as a collection of movements that your body gets to do

I hope this helps!! lmk how are it goes ❤️

#ask #anonymous #jockposting

35 notes · View notes

666writingcafe · 5 months ago

Text

Several Months Later

I'm really going to have to thank Barbatos later. If it weren't for him teaching me some of his tips and tricks to being a successful attendant, I would have freaked out when I looked in the peephole and saw Simeon and Luke standing on the other side of the front door. I know that Diavolo extended an invitation to the Celestial Realm to attend the opening ceremony for RAD, but to have these two be the representatives that were sent...

Instead, I take a deep breath to steady myself before opening the door and merrily greeting the two angels. Once introductions are out of the way, I help them get settled in one of the guest rooms and tell them that tea will be ready in the parlor in a hour.

~~~

"Wow," Simeon remarks. "I have to say, Devildom tea is a lot better than I expected."

"It is, isn't it?" Lucifer replies. "I got that particular blend from Diavolo, so you can be assured it's of the finest quality."

"So, you're friendly with the Devildom's prince?"

"I don't know if 'friendly' is the right word." I sip out of my cup in order to prevent myself from making an inappropriate comment. Simeon doesn't need to know that Lucifer's allowing Diavolo to leave a few marks on his neck, nor that I've been responsible for covering them up as soon as he returns to the House.

"How's Michael?" Asmo asks. "Is he still doing the yoga routine I taught him?"

This little tea party was only supposed to be between Simeon and Lucifer, but then Asmo sort of...weaseled his way into it by using his charm on his brother. I told him that he needed to behave himself, and so far he has.

We'll see how long that lasts, though.

"I don't think so," Simeon answers. "Raphael's been bemoaning the fact that Michael hasn't been exercising enough." Asmo shakes his head at this news, appearing to be irritated by it.

After a while, I begin tuning out their conversation. It's not like any of it really concerns me, anyway. If it weren't for Simeon constantly glancing over at me, I would have successfully faded into the background.

Why is he focusing his attention on me? Am I that out of place to him? I thought I was doing a good job blending into this timeline, but maybe not. Perhaps I'm trying too hard, and he can see right through me. I'll have to ask Barbatos about that later.

"Aww! Does the little dove find my beauty intimidating?"

Son of a bitch.

"Asmo," I warn him with a glare, which merely causes him to giggle.

"I can't help it! He's just so adorable!"

"Don't call me adorable!" Luke shouts, trembling in anger moments later.

"Isn't he precious!" I sigh.

"And this is why you weren't initially invited to tea, Asmo. Honestly, what are you thinking, teasing a child like this?"

"I'm not teasing him! I'm simply complimenting him!"

"Compliments only work if the other person receives them as such. Do you not see the way he's looking at you? He's seconds away from biting your head off!"

"Or your ankles." Seriously?!

"Lucifer!" The eldest brother merely shrugs.

"What? He's like a Chihuahua."

"This isn't the time to be calling Luke names!"

"I'm not calling him anything. I'm simply making an observation. After all, you did make me spend a significant amount of time with two of them."

"Hey, I didn't force you to take them for a walk! I could have dealt with them just fine without you!"

"It's true what they say: no good deed goes unpunished."

Simeon's looking between Lucifer and me, trying really hard to hold back laughter. I'm glad someone's amused by this, because I'm sure not.

This tea party has gone off the rails, and it's my fault for not maintaining control over it.

Taglist: @lost-in-time-wanderer, @fuzztacular, @dianedancer18, @sweetbrier2908, @flare-love, @completelyshatteredbrokenmschf, @thunderlightning351, @l3v1chan, @anxious-chick, @5mary5, @expressionless-fr

#obey me shall we date #obey me nightbringer #obey me mc #obey me simeon #obey me lucifer #obey me asmo #obey me asmodeus #obey me luke

36 notes · View notes

netherfeildren · 1 year ago

Text

Joel

A Fear of God story : Series Masterlist

Pairing: Joel Miller x OFC

Summary: The thought sounds on the anvil of your mind every night at four am on the dot, the song of grasshoppers and slumbering, fatherless children singing around you; I am lost, and if I read a little bit confusing, it is only because I am confused amidst the battleground of my grief, and it is difficult to find my way back now that he is not here to guide me.

A/N: this was only written for myself, but i’ve decided to share with you, as well. if you’re a fear of god reader please know that this isn’t part of my official story line, and again — only an exercise for myself, but as this is written about birdie i’ve decided to include it as a part of the birdie’s house anthology. i apologize for any confusion or emotional turmoil this might cause, but rest assured that i’m desperately hoping to have something else up for birdie and joel for his birthday and that i plan to continue to write for them after that as well.

Content Warnings: Character death; Grief/Mourning; Description of death/injury; Unreliable narrators

Rating: Mature

Word Count: 2.1K

Read on AO3

JOEL

The billboard said “The End Is Near”

I turned around, there was nothing there

Yeah, I guess the end is here

Phoebe Bridgers, I Know the End

The week before it happened, you watched a pack of wolves take down a moose. Old and stalwart and with a sort of strength only an animal that stands apart from all others in the hierarchy of nature can hold. Something unrelenting about a creature like that, that was made all the more shocking for the way the wolves had surrounded the old thing, tricked and felled the beast that for so long had stood solitary and unmoving.

There were so many things you knew about Joel after all these years. He was a father, a husband, a brother, a friend. Once he’d been a monster. Everything about him had been red. He’d tried not to cause harm. He’d failed more than he’d succeeded.

He had loved you. You think, more than any creature had loved another in all of man’s history. Or… at least sometimes it had felt like that. He had made you feel like that.

He is killed in the seventh year of your life together. Only seven little years which seem like nothing in the face of everything. Nothing in the face of the destruction of the whole world, and then the rebirth of it right here in this farm house in Wyoming, but which you know, no matter what they might seem like in the aftermath, were really everything, the only time that has ever mattered.

You remember that sometimes when you’d look around the kitchen table, the girls sitting around laughing and screeching and raucous with so much joy it seemed imaginary and untouchable, it felt like the whole world was sat existing around that oak table he’d made for you. The whole world right here at our kitchen table, Joel.

You remember the last time you heard his voice, right before he went out into the frigid snow to look for Ellie: Don’t you love me, Birdie bird?

Oh, shut up. And then whispered right into the reddened sea shell of his ear, Here is what I see in your eyes right now: myself, reflected back at me – more love than has ever existed before in all history. And then his laugh – you’re laughing and when you laugh I want to carve the face of the world in your image. Lena zooming by your legs as you kiss for the last time, a blue ribbon in her hair.

Half a century from now, no one will remember us, but I will never forget you.

Remember the first time we met? Bated breath and racing heart, and the sound of the rest of your life ringing in your ears.

Remember the stitches in your palm? The first time I took you inside of me and all the times thereafter? When you pulled our first daughter from my body – and then the two others? Her first birthday? The countless birthdays after that? Remember the endless happiness so intense it was almost painful sometimes? Remember how much I love you?

But of course, he cannot. He’s not here anymore, and nothing hurts worse than the memory of joy when you’re living through grief. The thought sounds on the anvil of your mind every night at four am on the dot, the song of grasshoppers and slumbering, fatherless children singing around you; I am lost, and if I read a little bit confusing, it is only because I am confused amidst the battleground of my grief, and it is difficult to find my way back now that he is not here to guide me.

They’d hurt him so badly. Fractured him in a way that not even your hands could mend, your years of study and practice futile in the face of such destruction. He’d fought hard, he’d tried to get away. This is the least comforting thing you could ever imagine.

What does it do to a person to be confronted with the inequity of their purpose? To have worked tirelessly for so many years only to fail when the moment was most dire.

Fracture of a different but equally devastating nature. And that moment of final realization, that there was nothing to be done – his bones had carried him for so long, you rest now, we’ll be okay, whispered into his mangled ear, half a chunk missing, savaged. You did good, Joel. You did good, my love.

The sound of Ellie’s voice telling herself over and over and over again that he was okay; he’s okay, he’s okay, he’s okay.

And she’d said to you: I wasted so much time being angry at him, for what? For loving me too much? For keeping me alive? For making a decision that now, with the clarity of age and a child of my own, I would have made exactly the same way? I wish I could walk in his shoes through that hospital all those years ago. I’d take his exact same steps – not a single pace different. And now he’s dead. And all that anger was for nothing. And our reconciliation feels so fraught, so meaningless in the face of all that time now. No matter that we’d had years after to be together, to be a family. All I can focus on now is the time lost, the sight of his crushed skull, the night I pushed him away before you, his face full of pain and regret. And the sound of his screams at the end.

Ellie tells you: I remember the sound of his screams better than anything else. The sound of him screaming out for me, for you Birdie – Birdie, Birdie, my Birdie. Begging for help, but actually, I’m not sure, she says. I’m not sure if that really happened or if my nightmares imagined it.

[I still think of you on your birthday. I’m sorry for everything, she thinks, when she lays in the grass with her sisters and looks for shapes in the clouds without him now. I only see you in the spaces between them. And she asks God why He didn’t work harder to save him. And He spits in her face and asks why she didn’t do the same.]

So, there are still our children. There is still Ellie. This family you’ve gifted me. The whole world abandoned here at our kitchen table. How can death exist when that exists? How can your death exist when they’re still here?

Don’t stop to think. Don’t interrupt the scream.

And you tell yourself, no this wasn’t supposed to happen, but the universe laughs and grips you by the throat; the gladiator scream goes on. Salt the earth, there’s nothing to return to.

And yet… that isn’t true either. Four little faces look up at you. Three sets of his eyes.

You were furious at the sun the day after he died. How could it just continue to rise as if nothing had happened?

And after all that, it is like this: You scream for seven days and seven nights.

You don’t get out of bed for thirty days.

You cry every single night for a year.

This is different. A strange and terrified sort of place. What does it mean to lose the basis of your entire existence?

And Ellie? Ellie, Ellie, Ellie, Ellie, Ellie. What is Ellie going to do without him? How is she going to be okay? The sound of her cries: Don’t let me be alone. Please, God, don’t let me be alone. I never wanted to end up alone. You need to make sure she’s okay, you need to take care of her the way that he would, the way that he’d want you to.

Ellie loses her mind for a little bit. After your thirty days in bed, she calls her turn, tells you and Dina that she’s leaving, that she’s going. That she’ll bring you back a vengeance you could never want and lay it at your feet, and you cup her chin gentle in your palm, and ask, What does it matter now, honey? Connie’s voice ringing in your memory. He’s gone now, what difference would it make?

She tells you that he would have done it for her, and you cannot refute such a claim. He would. He’d do much worse. He’d turn himself back into that monster we both know he had inside of him.

“So I need to do this.”

And you tell her: “I’m begging you not to. Me, who belonged to him, who knew him in a way no one else in the whole world did. I’m asking you not to. I’m still here. The girls are still here. We need you. We need you as a reminder of him.”

“You’ll remember him anyways,” she tells you, which is true.

“But you’ll make the memory all the better,” And so she does not go, for a time.

Ellie stays, and you have a funeral surrounded by the people of Jackson who respected a man who was good. A man who took himself for a monster for so long, even though he never said it out loud, but you knew, you saw. All that time apart, all that fear, fear, fear, the very fear of God struck into his heart, afraid of what he was, of what the world and a little girl with green eyes more than thirty years ago had made him into, but then, look at what we’d turned around and made together.

And you whisper to the apparition of him in your dreams: Joel if you were a monster, surely it was some sort of divine monstrosity.

So many people leave remembrances at the gate of the farm, the whole of Jackson. His brother, holding you up gripped beneath the elbows so as to not frighten your children, and Ellie is crying but trying to pretend she’s not, which somehow makes it worse than if she were to throw herself at the base of his coffin and howl.

You give her his jacket after that, and she smells like him all the time until the day she doesn't. Until the day it’s been so long since the last time that he was alive that his scent fades and leaves forever. She wears that jacket everywhere, to work, to hunt, to bed. Leaving her wife, leaving her family, leaving her sisters, leaving you because eventually she does – leave, and she wears his jacket. An inevitability like so many other things in life, you’re unable to keep her forever, and for a time she does go.

And you will never forget him, you will never move on, you will never stop telling your daughters about him. He lives on in them. And you wonder why it is that no one ever talks about the physically intimate aspect of grief? Of missing your person and wanting them and needing them, and your body physically craving relief from that singular person and never being able to achieve it fully ever again to completion like he could give it to you because he’s just not here.

He was, in every way, all that anyone could ever be.

I cried every single day for a year. The day I stopped, I put him inside of a drawer within myself and was never able to move myself to tears again.

Seven years since then, and you go to his grave for what you tell yourself will be the last time, recognize the lie for what it is, a single slab of carved stone, and you think, he doesn’t belong here, even still after all these years, and yet this is the only place he will ever be again.

He should have been made into a redwood, the tallest thing in the entire world. Let him be a tree. You’d climb and climb and climb, like that night with Beth, so long ago you can barely remember the sound of her voice most days. You’d climb, and he’d protect you one more time like he had so many times before.

Joel, years ago, when we were first married, I had a strange dream: I’d had to walk down a staircase that led far beneath the earth. As I traversed it, I had to move through all of our happiest memories, the births of our daughters, the birthdays and celebrations and the long nights together, dinners, breakfasts and laughter, lazy afternoons at the lake, in bed together, still endlessly fascinated with each other despite all the times we’d found ourselves in that exact position. But when I reached the end, I’d be able to come upon our worst moment, see what it was in preparation, perhaps, for what would come to pass.

I feel as though I have finally reached the bottom of that staircase, and part of me would like nothing more than to have never begun the journey down, but had I not, then I would have not lived through all the rest of it. And in the end, that was worth everything else.

That last night again, in my memory: Don’t you love me, Birdie bird?

Close your eyes, he whispers, it’ll be worth it, the last taste of his mouth.

My eyes are still closed.

Netherfeildren's Masterlist

Updates Blog

#FoG fic #Joel miller #the last of us #joel miller x original character #joel miller fanfiction #joel miller angst #the last of us fanfiction #character study #ellie williams #joel miller character study #ellie williams character study

124 notes · View notes

marabarl-and-marlbara · 5 months ago

Note

Hi Mara,

Do you have any advice for those struggling with desire (or lack thereof, rather), getting things done and enjoying it?

I’ve been in a bit of a rut, I was persuaded that the issue was with brain chemicals, as usual, and that I’ve been indulging in way too many ‘cheap pleasures’ that I had to cut out of my life in order to actually be able to live and enjoy life. It didn’t work, and now I find it harder than ever to do things which, I think, used to give me pleasure: playing video games, watching anime, reading, net surfing. It feels as though the only things I find more or less easy to start and continue doing are obligations forced on me from the outside, by people or otherwise, and to get out of work, buying groceries, eating, empty pleasantries, conforming—means certain death, and so I have no other choice.

I wonder if there’s a way to live without having to have a guillotine blade always hanging above my head, swish-swoosh.

Love your art and writing. Hope you have a good day today. Peace!

my notes from church this morning;

well anonymous, i think you are the second person in the past several months to ask me this specific thing and mostly i:m bewildered here as: "nothing in life gives me much joy" has been my stated 'thing to whine about' as a general theme--and if i can:t help myself, surely i can:t help you or another, either;

though that:s not necessarily true, and i think mostly how you view your issue shapes the root of your pains; if you view it as something dearly in need of fixing: my sincere advice is to start shedding all the dumb pride you have surrounding your problem (half saying this vaguely, but also half sincerely gesturing at how you frame yourself as 'having a guillotine' weighed against you like the worst thing in life is to have obligations and conformity) and bite the therapeutic bullet and be open to treating your little psychiatric demon--may-be you have ADHD and starting medication could bleed some passion back in-to you: surely they'd know better than you or i.

how i deal with it, or how i have dealt with it, is mostly to just recognize this 'lacking' as part of my person and material, and the consequence of becoming a penance for me to live with; in recognizing the issue as a penance with which i venerate these pocks inside me and the relationship with the goodly material i find some purpose, and some purpose in-turn makes the "lack of joy" feel less consuming and whole: as there is goodly material around the pocks, sure enough; and sure enough: though i whine about art being uninteresting, and writing being boring, and tricking myself with exercise/work/chores as an excuse to listen to audiobooks and anime: i still find some precious slants of joy slipping through blinds i had thought shut; food has gone mostly tasteless but sometimes i:m surprised; games have gone dull but i love watching grubby wc3 videos and catching a warm little spark of child-me's fascination with blizzard games; obligations of work and chores can feel like my body is slowly being ground away in monotony, but gosh do i love listening to stephen king audiobooks (i:m on The Dead Zone right now, finished Mr Mercedes two nights ago); and sometimes the sun even rises: i:ve been excited to read in quiet hours again, and i:ve been forcing myself to write a few paragraphs for my isekai-fiction in the mornings.

if little whispers from the heart, in turn whispered to it by these little nibbling voices everywhere, make it such that you think the icon with which you are sculpting is infested and ruined, and that your tools in turn you hold are both infested and ruined, then the whole world itself will become ruinous and infested--but never is it that way completely, unfortunately, and its both of our burdens to bear always having hope.

the guillotine is imaginary, anonymous, even if death is guaranteed eventually. take care!

17 notes · View notes

followthebluebell · 7 months ago

Note

Can I ask you, as someone else who seems to be more of a cat guy, your experiences with Truffle? I’m considering a Spoo for my next dog and am trying to get a feel for whether or not one would work for me (and my cat guy spouse). I’m mostly wondering about energy levels because someone saying “moderate energy” or “high energy” doesn’t give me a whole of expectations as to how much and how intense exercise I’d be looking at to keep the dog satisfied which is important living in an apartment with a cat. I really like the trainability of the poodle and work in grooming so even if I didn’t want to do it myself, I have trusted people to do it for me so that’s no issue. I mainly want a companion I can take on hikes and to restaurants/brewpubs on the weekends who won’t eat my other pets. Just trying to gather as much perspective as possible before jumping in :)

Honestly I think spoos are the world's most perfect dog. I'm only a little biased in this absolute concrete fact. I'm not sure I could have any other breed of dog at this point.

I think Truffle is a medium energy dog. He's fairly active; we used to go on five mile hikes three days a week, but have since petered down to 1.5-2. On days we don't hike, we usually play fetch or flirt pole for like 30 minutes.

He also loves days where he does absolutely nothing, which really highlights my next point:

I don't think energy levels are as important in a dog as a good off switch is. Even if we've done absolutely nothing, Truffle won't tear up my house or try to eat my cats. I think a lot of this is just genetic, tbh. I looked specifically for breeders who titled their dogs for obedience and agility AND raised their dogs in their home because I wanted a dog that was smart, healthy, and had a good, solid basis for home living. A few dogs in Truffle's pedigree have hunting titles as well, but there's not really much of a delineation between hunting lines and show lines in poodles.

Mental exercise plays a much bigger role than physical exercise. We train daily for around 30-40 minutes--- I think that's a bigger requirement than just physical exercise. It's definitely something he's way more into and tends to tire him out more.

He's not a super cuddly dog. He likes to be BY me, but not ON me. This is great for me because I get touched-out easily, especially by a large dog. He's just unobtrusive, which was ideal for a service dog. He's not running around trying to be everyone's friend. He's just aloof towards strangers.

TBH the biggest issue I have with standard poodles is their tendency towards pickiness about food. Truffle's on a vet prescription diet due to stone formation and it can be a fucking pain to get him to eat sometimes. I've recently found a new hack (he really loves pumpkin) but I know in my heart that it's going to lose efficacy at some point and I'll have to try something new.

Like i said, I think he's the perfect dog for me. He's happy to go out on a hike and look for cool lizards, but he's equally happy to curl up on the couch and snooze as long as he also gets to do some trick training. He's very chill with the cats and treats strangers as a curiosity rather than a compulsion. He's a lovebug without being overly cuddly and needy.

32 notes · View notes

liviawildrose · 12 days ago

Text

𝐟𝐢𝐫𝐬𝐭 𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐩𝐬

trigger warning: mention of abuse, bullying

hello everyone, i’m livia wildrose. welcome back to my blog! today, i want to share four foundational steps that can help anyone find direction and purpose. these are the steps i’m taking to start my glow-up journey, and i believe they can be a powerful beginning for anyone on a similar path. having a sense of direction keeps us grounded and focused, even when life gets chaotic. so if you’re ready to start building a path that feels true to you, these four steps are here to help you begin with intention.

i truly believe that if each of us embraces these steps, we can gain a clearer sense of where we’re headed. having that clarity allows us to be more mindful and intentional with everything that comes our way. i hope these steps resonate with you as much as they have with me. thank you for being here, and let’s begin this journey together

𝗺𝗶𝗻𝗱𝘀𝗲𝘁 𝘀𝗵𝗶𝗳𝘁

1. develop a growth mindset

you have control over your life ,you can be whoever you want to be. every broken heart, every broken part of you can heal. your circumstances, environment, trauma, toxic people, bullies they only have power as long as you allow them to. the moment you take that power back, you’re in control. build an internal locus of control you can shape your life, your mind, your body, your grades, your career, and the way you respond to challenges. it’s about developing control over yourself and your life.

stop blaming others and choosing to be the victim. yes, life can be incredibly hard, and some people make it worse, but if you want to grow beyond the hurt, you need to be your own savior. no one is going to come and rescue you from your problems you have to be the one who does it. take full accountability for your life. if things aren’t going well, it’s up to you to change them. at the end of the day, if “mean” people keep putting you down, part of the change comes from deciding to speak up for yourself, even if it’s hard. if you’re procrastinating or feeling stuck, it’s your responsibility to tackle it and get things done.

stop letting negativity win. listen, if i can get bullied by classmates, beaten down by family, called “lazy,” “ungrateful,” and “undeserving” by relatives, excluded from friend groups, and ridiculed for liking someone (he was single, by the way) all of which hurt my mental health and impacted my exams. yet, still find a way to stay positive and remind myself that none of this can define my future, believe me, you can do it, too. if you need more of my story, check out my get to know me blog post to understand where i’m coming from.

instead of staying stuck in self-pity, look for solutions. trust yourself, the solution is inside you. focus on the positive aspects and start making changes in your life.

many people don’t realize this, but really take a look at your body and your life. do you genuinely believe you can’t change? you can. you want to grow taller? listen to subliminals. you want to become wealthy? it’s possible. nothing is out of reach. this is your life. you are magic, and everything you need to succeed is already inside you. manifestation is real, and it all starts with the right mindset. remember: your thoughts create your reality.

2. fix your mindset

before anything, understand this: nothing is out of reach. you can be whoever you want to be. a simple but powerful exercise for this is writing down your limiting beliefs, then challenging them. for instance, if you think, “i can never be an actor because i don’t have connections,” flip that around, remind yourself of countless people who started from zero, with no connections, and went on to become major successes in the industry. keep writing down reasons why these beliefs aren’t true 10, 15, however many it takes. trick your brain into seeing possibilities instead of limits.

stop feeling jealous of other people. so many women put each other down out of jealousy, but we’re stronger when we lift each other up. someone else’s success doesn’t mean you’re failing, or that you’re worth any less. if another person can achieve something, so can you. don’t get insecure seeing someone your age “having it all together.” instead, let that inspire you. they worked hard, and so can you.

next, watch how you talk about yourself. even if it’s in a joke, stop saying things like, “i’m such a loser” or “i’ll probably fail this test.” i used to do this all the time, but now i’ve promised myself i’ll never say anything negative about myself, even as a joke. our words shape our reality, and so do our thoughts. instead, use affirmations. look in the mirror and tell yourself, “i am beautiful, i am smart, i am capable.” if no one else is saying these things to you, then say them to yourself—there’s nothing wrong with that.

practice gratitude. yes, my family has flaws, and sometimes they’re abusive. but i know there are people with far less. i have a family, food, a place to sleep and parents who support my education. that’s privilege, and i’m grateful for it.

be mindful about what you let into your life. what kind of music are you listening to? if it’s depressive, maybe switch it up. what are you watching? if it’s negative or disturbing, consider the impact it’s having on you. i used to watch a lot of horror and true crime, but i stopped when i realized how it was affecting my mental health. pay attention to the people around you, too. family might be non-negotiable, but you have choices with friends and partners. remember, you’re the average of the five people you spend the most time with.

for me, even though my family hasn’t been the most emotionally supportive, i know that one day i’ll create a family of my own that’s filled with love and understanding. and that means being mindful of the people i let into my life, building my future with intention and purpose.

3. be delusional

i don’t care if people think it’s bad to be delusional. in fact, i think we all need to be a little delusional when it comes to our dreams. believe that something miraculous will happen and that things can change in amazing ways. believe in magic. it might sound far-fetched, but trust me, have faith in god, the universe, or whatever higher power you connect with. believe that something incredible will come your way, that you’ll land your dream job or meet the right person. let that belief fill you with hope, a hope that isn’t weighed down by pressure or doubt, but by a quiet confidence that things will work out.

when you believe in that magic, you start to dream more freely. yes, maybe i can date jude bellingham. yes, i’m manifesting that. and yes, i think i can be everything i want to be, without anyone’s permission. do you have a problem with that? because i don’t.

𝗱𝗲𝗳𝗶𝗻𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗴𝗼𝗮𝗹𝘀

ask yourself: what do you truly want in life? what do you want to be? take a moment to write all of this down, whether in a journal or your notes app. reviewing your goals every single day can be a game changer. make it a habit to read through your written goals first thing in the morning. this simple act is incredibly powerful because it sets the tone for your day, aligning your mindset with your aspirations right from the start.

if you want to take it a step further, you can create a mind movie. so, what’s a mind movie? gather images that represent your goals and dreams. for instance, if you envision your dream body, find a photo that embodies that. if your goal is to be a singer, include pictures of artists who inspire you. compile these images into a video, displaying each one for about 2 to 4 seconds before transitioning to the next. layer your voice over this video, affirming statements like, “i have my dream body, and i’m so grateful for it.” “i am a world known singer” “i’m a grammy nominated artist”

watch this video every morning when you wake up and every night before you go to bed. this practice is incredibly potent. i plan to write a detailed blog about this process soon, so stay tuned!

the clearer you are about where you’re heading and what you want to achieve, the more likely you are to realize those dreams. many people lack this clarity, which can make it challenging to stay motivated. but when you know exactly what you want, it empowers you to take the next steps toward achieving those goals. once you have that clarity, the path will unfold before you; you just have to take it.

𝗿𝗶𝘁𝘂𝗮𝗹𝘀, 𝗿𝗼𝘂𝘁𝗶𝗻𝗲𝘀 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗻𝗼𝗻 𝗻𝗲𝗴𝗼𝘁𝗶𝗮𝗯𝗹𝗲

1. rituals

create a ritual for yourself because you are a goddess, and every goddess deserves a sacred practice. rituals can be subtle or extravagant—it’s entirely up to you. the key is that they resonate with your goals and your life.

you can create a specific self-care ritual or do something that honors the life you aspire to have. for example, i want to be a singer so i start my day with a glass of warm water and honey to soothe my throat and hydrate my vocal cords. follow this with a cup of herbal tea known for its benefits to singers, like ginger or chamomile. this simple act is not just about drinking; it’s a way of saying, “i am nurturing my voice and preparing for the incredible career i’m destined for.”

perhaps you dream of being a model. in that case, you could include a detox drink in your morning routine, one that energizes and revitalizes you—something like a green smoothie or lemon water with apple cider vinegar. every time you sip it, remind yourself that you are embodying the health and vitality of a model.

you might also want to incorporate affirmations into your rituals. as you go about your morning routine, speak affirmations that align with your goals: “i am confident and radiant,” or “i attract opportunities that lead me to my dreams.” this will help you cultivate a mindset that’s aligned with your aspirations.

don’t forget to celebrate your rituals! you could set a specific day each week to reflect on your progress and how your rituals have helped you. light a candle or play your favorite music as you honor the work you’ve put into yourself and your journey. this celebration reinforces your commitment to your dreams and enhances your connection to your ritual.

the beauty of rituals is that they are entirely yours. whether you choose small, daily practices or grand, elaborate ceremonies, make them meaningful. by integrating these rituals into your life, you not only honor who you are but also actively participate in creating the reality you desire.

2. routine and schedule

create a routine that helps you get closer to your goals. having a structured schedule is essential, as it sets the foundation for your day and keeps you aligned with your aspirations.

for example, if you want to be a model, establish a morning routine that includes waking up early, dedicating time to your skincare regimen, and engaging in a workout that enhances your physique. consistency is key sticking to this routine will not only help you stay in shape but also instill discipline and determination.

your morning routine can be a sacred time for self-care and preparation. perhaps you wake up, drink a glass of water to hydrate, followed by a quick meditation or visualization of your goals. then, go on with your day, having a good schedule and goals planned already. you can use a bullet journal in order to plan your entire day and your goals for that day. i used to bullet journal in 2021 and i kid you not. It is the best thing you can do to keep yourself moving towards your goal. i’m planning to start bullet journaling again next year so expect a post regarding bullet journal too.

don’t forget about your night routine. this is equally important for winding down and reflecting on your day. consider incorporating activities that help you relax and recharge, such as journaling about your accomplishments or reviewing your goals for the next day. a calming skincare routine before bed is also a great way to pamper yourself and signal to your body that it’s time to rest.

developing a routine for your daily tasks can also keep you organized and focused. allocate specific times for studying, practicing your craft, or engaging in creative projects related to your dreams. having this structure allows you to prioritize what truly matters and helps you eliminate distractions.

establishing a routine not only gives you clarity but also enhances your mindset. when you stick to your plan, you cultivate a sense of achievement and purpose, which can greatly influence your overall outlook on life. you’ll find that having a routine helps you stay more focused, reduces decision fatigue, and empowers you to take actionable steps toward your goals. i’ll share all my routine too (skincare, haircare, morning, night, workout, daily) and also tell y’all how you can do it.

remember, your routine is a reflection of who you are and who you aspire to be. customize it to fit your lifestyle and needs, and don’t be afraid to adjust it as you grow. with a solid routine in place, you’ll be well on your way to transforming your dreams into reality

3. non negotiables

boundaries are like the protective walls you build to guard your energy, self-respect, and peace. they’re essential, even if it means certain people may not agree or may choose to distance themselves. setting non-negotiables helps you uphold your standards for how you want to be treated not only by others but also by yourself. it’s a form of self-care and a way to ensure you stay aligned with your goals.

first, let’s talk about boundaries with others. there are certain things that no one should get away with, like disrespect or attempts to undermine your goals. start by listing all the things that are non-negotiable for you things you absolutely won’t tolerate in your friendships, relationships, or even with family. these can be simple yet significant rules, like refusing to let anyone talk down to you, or being firm about not letting others intrude on your personal time.

when it comes to family, boundaries can be tricky. like i said, in certain environments, we sometimes have to navigate things carefully to preserve our boundaries. for example, i try to keep things balanced at home by focusing on my achievements and being mindful of how i react. when i accomplish something, i notice my family is more likely to treat me with respect and actually listen to my words. it’s a compromise i make for now staying obedient to avoid unnecessary conflicts because it helps preserve a boundary of mine: no one gets to shout at or berate me. you can say i made a promise to myself to start achieving more and becoming better every single day because people respect people who respect themselves. if i am achieving more and becoming better, that shows that i respect myself and my goals and simultaneously people will start respecting me too.

next, let’s dive into boundaries with yourself. setting standards for how you treat yourself is equally important. promise yourself that no one’s words will be allowed to crumble your confidence. this boundary with yourself is about self-discipline: it’s deciding you’ll never give up your truth or your voice. you are here to live your life on your terms. a personal boundary like “i will always speak up for what i believe in” is a powerful rule that can shape your character and self-esteem. another boundary could be to avoid people-pleasing at the cost of your own peace.

then there are the little rituals and standards you set for yourself. they might seem minor, but they help ground you and bring consistency. it could be as simple as “i won’t start my day until i’ve brushed my teeth” or “i’ll spend 10 minutes meditating every night.” these routines may seem small, but they’re symbolic each one represents respect for yourself and your own time.

and then, there are your true non-negotiables things that you will not compromise on for anyone. for example, i won’t text or talk to a guy late at night, especially if it’s a casual situation. my late-night hours are for me or for those who are deeply close to me, and that’s not something i change based on who wants my time. another non-negotiable might be unfriending people who stay close with someone who has bullied or hurt you. i’m not here to tell anyone who to be friends with, but if you’re friends with someone who tore me down, we’re probably not compatible as friends.

having non-negotiables is like setting up a shield around your life; it’s saying “this is my space, and only the people who respect my values get to be here.” these are your standards, your way of ensuring that the energy around you is as uplifting and supportive as you deserve. boundaries and non-negotiables are not selfish they’re essential for building a life that aligns with your true self.

𝗮𝗹𝘁𝗲𝗿 𝗲𝗴𝗼

let’s talk about alter egos. you might be wondering, “what exactly is an alter ego?” an alter ego is like the boldest, most fearless, unapologetically powerful version of yourself. think of this person as everything you aspire to be. they have unshakeable confidence, strong boundaries, and a fierce mindset. they embody the qualities you admire and inspire you to step out of your comfort zone.

for me, it’s livia wildrose. and, i get it, you might’ve thought that was my real name, but it’s actually a name i crafted to embody the energy and vision i hold for my future self. livia wildrose is the woman who’s already achieved her dreams. she’s not afraid to stand tall, voice her opinions, and own her worth. she’s the energy i channel when i need a reminder of what i’m capable of.

name them – the name you choose for your alter ego is important. it should feel powerful, unique, and representative of the qualities you want to embody. make sure it’s a name that sparks something in you a name that makes you feel inspired, unstoppable, and totally you.

give them qualities – now, think about the traits your alter ego possesses. are they fearless? disciplined? resilient? write down all the qualities that align with the best version of yourself. maybe your alter ego is kind but firm, strong-willed yet compassionate, confident yet humble. paint a vivid picture of who they are.

define their habits – your alter ego has certain routines, habits, and even preferences. they might have a morning ritual, a daily workout, or even a specific way they respond to negativity. think about what kind of routines your alter ego would follow to keep themselves grounded and motivated.

dress the part – if you feel like your alter ego is more stylish, edgy, or polished than you are now, start integrating little pieces of that style into your wardrobe. it doesn’t have to be extreme, just subtle touches that remind you of who you’re stepping into.

speak and act as them – whenever you feel anxious or unsure, tap into your alter ego’s confidence. ask yourself, what would they say? how would they handle this situation? eventually, this confidence will blend into your true self, helping you handle challenges with strength and grace.

channel them daily – every time you face self-doubt or feel unmotivated, call on your alter ego. think of them as your personal mentor, the voice in your head that says, “you’ve got this.” with time, this alter ego becomes a natural part of you, merging seamlessly with who you are becoming. ask yourself “what would [alter ego name] do?

by creating an alter ego, you’re giving yourself permission to dream bigger, stand taller, and walk confidently in the direction of your goals. it’s like summoning the courage and drive you need from within, a powerful reminder of your limitless potential. so if you haven’t already, consider creating your own alter ego. name them, define them, and let them guide you. remember, they’re already within you, waiting for you to let them shine. I have channelled my alter ego so such that now i think she’s me i’m her, lol.

if you want to join me on this journey of becoming a higher self. please comment, like, reblog, and follow let's embrace the glow of together.

7 notes · View notes