#this is someone i barely knew personally
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Sh. A. passed away in October and i didn't know i mean, it makes sense that i didn't know, how would i have, with the old ties long gone, but still it's so sad also i feel like a fucking asshole because i just now remembered i'd received an email from him in September (!) with the link to my old but newly published translations, which i'd looked at, said aww gotta reply tomorrow, and immediately forgotten all about it just another useless "if i'd only known"
#up close and personal#this is someone i barely knew personally#and i still feel like shit#i guess i will be replying to friends and family right away#for a while
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i think a lot of people are calling viktor’s reaction to waking up changed and then almost immediately leaving for zaun unrealistic and like… yes it would be. for someone whose mind has not been affected by the hexcore. he speaks differently, he hears sky’s voice through its influence, he can no longer feel the cold, or the warmth of jayce’s hug. he walks away from jayce because he can no longer feel the affection that kept them together, and he sees no logical point in remaining when they have no common ground anymore. he might not be a machine externally, exactly, but his mind certainly isn’t human anymore.
#you KNOW he was seeing visions in that coma. he knew exactly where to go and what he was going to do#even before this he had so little self worth. he saw himself as only being worth as much as his inventions.#he never saw himself as someone worthy of love; he barely saw himself as anyone at all#the only person he KNOWS saw him as more than that is dead and it’s his fault#and waking up and finding out what jayce has done only cements the fact he cannot trust jayce to do what he himself thinks is right#there’s no way he could stay with jayce and do what he needs to do to help the zaunites. at least in his mind anyway#sighhhh. anyway i will probably have to write fic about this tomorrow lmaooo#arcane#jayvik#arcane s2 spoilers#p
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Please, if you can, take a moment to read and share this because I feel like I'm screaming underwater.
NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) stigma is rampant right now, and seems to be getting progressively worse. Everyone is using it as a buzzword in the worst ways possible, spreading misinformation and hatred against a real disorder.
I could go on a long time about how this happened, why it's factually incorrect (and what the disorder actually IS), why it's harmful, and the changes I'd like to see. But to keep this concise, I'll simply link to a few posts under the cut for further reading.
The point of this post is a plea. Please help stop the spread of stigma. Even in mental health communities, even around others with personality disorders, in neurodivergent "safe" spaces, other communities I thought people would be supportive in (e.g. trans support groups, progressive spaces in general), it keeps coming up. So I'm willing to bet that a lot of people on this site need to see this.
Because it's so hard to exist in this world.
My disorder already makes me feel as if I'm worthless and unlovable, like there's something inherently wrong and damaged about me. And it's so much harder to fight that and heal when my daily life consists of:
Laughing and spending time with my friends, doing my utmost best to connect and stay present and focused on them, trying to let my guards down and be real and believe I'm lovable- when suddenly they throw out the word "narcissist" to describe horrible people or someone they hate, or the conversation turns to how evil "people with narcissistic personality disorder" are. (Seriously, you don't know which of your friends might have NPD and feels like shit when you say those things & now knows that you'd hate them if you knew.)
Trying to look up "mental health positivity for people with npd", "mental health positivity cluster bs", only to find a) none of that, and b) more of the same old vile shit that makes me feel terrible about myself.
Having a hard time (which is constant at this point) and trying to look up resources for myself, only to again, find the same stigma. And no resources.
Not having any clue how to help myself, because even the mental health field is spitting so much vitriol at people with DISORDERS (who they're supposed to be helping!) that there's no solid research or therapy programs for people like me.
Losing close friends when they find out, despite us having had a good relationship before, and them KNOWING me and knowing that I'm not like the trending image of pwNPD. Because now they only see me through the lens of stigma and misinformation.
Hearing the same stigma come up literally wherever I go. Clubs. Meetings. Any online space. At the bus stop. At the mall. At a restaurant. At work. Buzzword of the year that everyone loooves loudly throwing around with their friends or over the phone. Feels awesome for me, makes my day so much better/s
I could go on for a long time, but I'm scared no one will read/rb this if it gets too much longer.
So please. Stop using the word "narcissist" as a synonym for "abusive".
Stop bringing up people you hate who you believe to have NPD because of a stigmatizing article full of misinformation whenever someone with actual NPD opens their mouth. (Imagine if people did that with any other disorder! "Hey, I'm autistic." "Oh... my old roommate screamed at me whenever I made noise around him, and didn't understand my needs, which seems like sensory overload and difficulty with social cues. He was definitely autistic. But as long as you're self-aware and always restraining your innate desire to be an abusive asshole, you're okay I guess, maybe." ...See how offensive and ignorant that is?)
Stop preventing healthcare for people with a disorder just because it's trendy to use us as a scapegoat.
If you got this far, thank you for reading, and please share this if you can. Further reading is under the cut.
NPD Criteria, re-written by someone who actually has NPD
Stigma in the DSM
Common perception of the DSM criteria vs how someone may actually experience them (Keep in mind that this is the way I personally experience these symptoms, and that presentation can vary a lot between individuals)
"Idk, the stigma is right though, because I've known a lot of people with NPD who are jerks, so I'm going to continue to support the blockage of treatment for this condition."
(All of these were written by me, because I didn't want to link to other folks' posts without permission, but if you want to add your own links in reblogs or replies please feel free <3)
#actuallynpd#signal boost#actuallyautistic#mental health awareness#narcissistic personality disorder#people also need to realize that mental health professionals aren't immune from bias#(it really shouldn't come as a shock that the mental health field has a longstanding pattern of misunderstanding and mistreating ppl who ar#mentally ill or otherwise ND)#the first therapist i brought up NPD to like. literally pulled out the DSM bc she could barely remember the criteria. then said that there'#no way I have it because I have low self-esteem lmaoooooo#anyway throwback to being at work and chatting with a co-worker. and the conversation turning to mental health. and him saying that#he tries to stay informed and be aware and supportive of mental health conditions & that he doesn't want to be ignorant or spread harmful#misinformation. and then i mentioned that i do a lot of research into mental health stuff and i listed a bunch of things. which included#several personality disorders. one of which was NPD.#and after listening to my whole ass list he zeroed in on the NPD and immediately started talking about how narcissists are abusive and#he knew someone who had NPD and how the person who had it had an addiction and died from the addiction in a horrible way and he#was glad he did#fun times#or when i decided to be vulnerable and talk abt my self-criticism/self-hatred bc i knew my friends also struggled w that and i wanted to#support them by sharing my own coping methods. and they both(separately!) started picking and prodding at my npd through the lens of stigma#bc i'd recently opened up to them abt having it. they recognized self-hatred as a symptom and still jumped on me for it. despite me#trying to share hurt vulnerable parts of myself to help them and connect with them.#again..... fun times
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ah. it hurts
#kimi ni todoke#i knew this episode would wreck me personally but..... idk this.. this here just.. oh it killed me#grief is so.. its so... it eats you whole#and you really do think you arent allowed to move on or smile or eat#because you should be sad#my mom told me the story that about 2 or so weeks after my dad died#when she went back to work#her colleagues made a joke at the lucnh table and she laughed#and one of them said oh look she can already laugh again#and he meant it nicely but my mom felt SO GUILTY#can i even be allowed to move on with my life if someone died that i love#am i allowed to smile tto have wishes to be annoyed about things to be angry about things to complain#ah. man ah man. i love kimi ni todoke so much i can barely put it in words
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it's like, i really do enjoy most of the bats as characters and i really do like a lot of their comics. but also i am sooooo tired of them being hailed as better than literally everyone else. both in fanon but also in comics (modern ones are esp egregious imo, like WHAT was that shit about batman and the joker being the most dangerous men on the planet. hi. have you heard of lanterns? speedsters? supers? actually if i keep listing groups who could kick batman's ass we'd be here all day). they're like kudzu. that shit needs to stay in its native environment (funky little neo-noir detective stories) and stop being an invasive species (putting down everyone else to make them seem cooler). put bruce wayne back into a murder mystery setting that isn't about saving the world but is about saving one person or one family that no one else would've saved right now or so help me god. the whole invasive species cross contamination thing is unhealthy for both him And the other ecosystems he keeps getting transplanted into. please. it's so dark in here
#rimi talks#imo it's also like a massive escalation problem like Everything has to be huge immense world ending bullshit plots#rather than ''i am going to solve a local mystery to help local people'' things. which are important also#um. points at action comics 792. you see like superman does here? caring about one person who someone thought wouldn't matter to anyone?#sorry im just going to go on a superman tangent but ac791 and 792 both absolutely gutted me and everyone should read them#both are pretty standalone and both ruined me#one is about something tragic that happened when clark was in high school#and just wanted to try and help a girl everyone was bullying for being fat. and they became friends and had a good time at a dance together#and then the second one is about him noticing the chatty guy who runs the newspaper stand where he stops sometimes is missing#and then just stopping at nothing to try and find him. even though he's someone he barely knew outside of being a regular at his stand#and it just really got me. my god. more of that pleaseeeeeee 😭😭😭😭💕💕💕💕
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for my money, labru is head and shoulders above other ships involving them simply due to the unmatched yap potential, i imagine them feeding off each other's energy like they're slipstreaming in mario kart until they start going fast enough to break the sound barrier
#dungeon meshi#dunmesh spoilers#labru#the Compounding Yap Effect#thinking about kabru wanting to understand the value of monsterhood despite how much pain they caused him ...#laios wanting to understand the value of humanity despite how much pain they caused him ...#none of this even mentioning how much kabru needs a person like laios to spur his character growth#kabru is a schemy schemer who schemes and it's one of his best qualities#but it's also what gets him killed over and over again in an attempt to get closer to laios and co when none of his usual tricks worked#it took until the absolute 11th hour where kabru HAD to choose#between potentially unlocking the secrets of the dungeon or giving it up to the canaries and losing his chance forever#if kabru had fallen back on what he knew he would have killed laios then and never got what he wanted#laios forcing kabru to be honest with his feelings#(a feeling kabru had buried so deep he was barely aware he had it in the first place)#is what finally gets laios to stop and listen#and he finally gives kabru enough of a reason to trust him and make kabru stop the canaries and give the party time to escape#and it's ONLY then that kabru is able to get what he wants#legit i cant imagine a more fulfilling ending for kabru than getting to directly engage his interest in a way that directly helps people#with someone who both needs wants and sincerely appreciates his skills#literally riding off into the sunset gay ass ending im#im going to be sick#day 28 being normal about them
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crying over a death of a fictional character or an animal in movies / tv shows is socially acceptable but being sad over the death of a real human being is weird??? social media has rotted away people's brains fr
#today i saw a crushed snail omw to uni and got sad about THAT#ofc i'm gonna feel sad about the death of a human being as well tf#“you didn't know him!!” so???#i also barely knew my own grandfather but still cried at his funeral#just because you don't know someone personally it doesn't mean it's weird to feel bad when something tragic happens to them#we genuinely need to work on getting people to remember what it's like to feel fucking sympathy#crys' rambling#one direction
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sometimes i remember that gojo wanted to tell geto “we’ll meet again, right?” just before he died but forced himself not to knowing it would have cursed him and then i start thinking about how kind and thoughtful gojo is as a character and how he hasn’t been able to lean on another human being since geto defected and then i want to . Scream
#like. there’s something almost helpless about that question. because gojo doesn’t *know* the answer…. he’s asking for reassurance#he wants to know if they’ll ever meet again even though deep down he knows the answer#and it’s so… bare? so vulnerable.#if he had voiced it that would’ve been the first time in TEN YEARS that gojo truly bared his heart to someone and asked for help#but he knew it would turn into a curse and so he gulped the words back down. :((#gojo is such a sincerely kind and thoughtful character and it breaks my heart that sooo many people in the fandom can’t see that 😭#he isn’t a saint and he definitely isn’t selfless but above all else his goal as a human being is to make sure no one ever feels alone.#that no one has their youth taken away from them….. that everyone gets a Choice in how to live their life :(((( it’s so important to him.#i just genuinely don’t understand ppl who insist that he’s morally gray ….. gojo is a consistently Good person and that never changes#he wants to have fun and laugh and he wants his students to enjoy their youth. he wants them to think he’s cool.#he’s the big brother slash father Ever and i love him to death#i got sidetracked this was supposed to be abt geto 😔😔 anyway the final scene between them will always be my Favorite ever#and the key to understanding both their characters and love for one another#ty for coming to my ted talk i’m feeling normal abt them today 😇😇#ari noises ✩
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I can't stop thinking about trans masc spike. I don't know what fucking worms in my brain are causing this but ever since that article I read about genderqueer spike I can't. I can't watch school hard and not think about it. he comes into frame and I can see the article all over again like an afterimage burned onto the screen. ftm spike. drusilla don't gaf she already knew before he did. do you think angelus uses his correct pronouns
#I think he does use spike's preferred pronouns but only bc he wants to. not bc he respects spike in any way shape or form#it's entirely malicious despite technically doing what spike wants#angel is 100x more normal about it. but still does not respect spike#what is the consensus on buffy. not about the pronouns. but just perhaps the general knowledge that people could even do that#she barely held it together at realizing she knew gay people idk WHAT knowing a trans person would do to her#I'm being jokey btw. I can imagine a little wiggage but she'd get over it pretty fast#she's got too much shit going on to care about spike's wack ass past of all things#I keep wondering about how the early days must've gone for him#hitting a mental block here someone's gonna have to fill in for me I have to consider this very slowly or I might die I think#sighing I'm talking about The Trans Spike Article again#I think I've only mentioned it once but I think about it. more. than that.#the actual title is “'can't be a human can't be a vampire:' spike and gender identity” by natalie parks#the funniest part is the article doesn't specifically talk about spike being ftm. I'm just. that's just me and my head#I don't even know what I want. why I'm so fixated on this#but it's sticking with me HARD#spike btvs#btvs#buffy the vampire slayer
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Charles: and how do I contact you in the future?
Johannes: you don't 🌟 bye you soggy bitch ✨️🕺✨️🕺🟨🟨🟨
#and then you barely see him for the rest of the game#the sinking city#coolhatposts#man i would have loved to be able to visit johannes's house! maybe you go there to discuss a case or catch up or whatever#i can totally see a dramatic parlor scene playing out that could give a lot more foundation for future story events#and maybe you can just visit his place sometimes and read philosophy books or something. maybe he rotates a couple books out for charles#on a table or smth and you can go read it#or maybe it's excerpts from lovecraft!!#GOD you guys do you see what i mean there's so much to add to the game#Johannes is fascinating as a character but then we only see him like. three times max#and at least one of those times he's probably dead#i just think it makes sense for charles to seek company with the only person he knows in the city a couple times before the plot starts#picking up. i could see maybe they have two or three dinners/drinks with Important Conversations#but i do think it's a wasted opportunity not to have johannes be more involved. he's the player's window into the upper class weird shit#in oakmont. he's our connection to a secret society and he knows graham and i would bet money he knew about the cannibal restaurant#GOD as soon as I'm done w the project I'm working on I'm gonna be replaying and writing SO MUCH you guys#never been a writer before but I'll make it happen#the possibilities are too cool to ignore#please please please someone else start posting abt tsc I KNOW YOU GUYS ARE THERE. I KNOW ME AND LOVELYHEADS ARE NOT THE ONLY ONES W IDEAS
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I've reached season 5 on my CSI rewatch and I'm a few episodes past "Swap Meet", where a woman is murdered after attending a swing party with other couples from the neighbourhood. Near the end of the episode there's a moment that made me jump from my seat:
(Grissom walks up to Sara and takes the seat next to her. He's holding two cups. He hands her a cup of tea.)
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - BRASS' OFFICE]
Erin Brady: Everybody fantasizes about other people. (She glances at Grissom.)
Even you, Mr. Grissom. A neighbor, a friend ... girl at the office.
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - HALLWAY]
(The door opens. Paul Brady walks out of the hallway. Erin Brady walks out into the hallway. Sara is sitting in the hallway chair watching them. She watches as they meet and kiss.)
(Grissom walks up to Sara and takes the seat next to her. He's holding two culps. He hands her a cup of tea.)
LIKE!!!!!!!
Right after Erin ends her sentence with 'girl at the office', the first time Sara and Grissom meet again, he brings her tea. This might be an innocent interaction but to me it seemed like a nod to this relationship they have where both are into each other, know about the other's feelings, but can't/won't do anything about it (although Sara has kind of given Grissom an ultimatum). I don't know if it was intentional - I'm guessing it is, because I picked it up immediately. I might or might not have squealed in delight.
#csi#gsr#i'm very Normal about them btw i don't think about them 50 times per day or anything#need to talk more about these two here#because im obsessed about them in a Normal way#sara is like. my dream wife. i totally get grissom being in love with her for years and barely holding it together#i would not though#i'm 1000% sure she's bi. but the writers have been cowards so far#also she and i dress THE SAME. yes i love 2000s clothes so what#i could talk about her forever she's everything to me#and grissom. oh grissom. i also get why she's been in love with him forever#i mean what the FUCK went down in san francisco did they hook up and sex was so good it scared them#and now they have to live with that tension and they're scared of crossing that line#nah i'm guessing with these two they just REALLY clicked. like. they were an instant match and they knew it#but grissom didnt want to lose focus on work or whatever and they lived in separate states you know#but oh my god i totally get sara. grissom is such a silver fox. he's like one of the hottest old men i've ever seen in my life#you know what i 100% get tumblr sexualizing old men it's completely valid i'm in this now too#he has this LOOK. whenever he's angry at a suspect. and he looks angrily at them. i'm chewing on my keyboard just remembering it#and his smirks#AND THE WAY HE LOOKS AT SARA#im losing my mind#i love all of gil grissom but seasons 4-5 jesus fucking christ#ok enough with the sexualizing i love him as a character SO MUCH. he's absolutely fantastic#one of the things i love the most about him is that he doesn't judge people. whenever the team is confused about someone#or this persons' lifestyle#he's always trying to understand them and not judge them#like a true scientist he wants to understand the nature of things and people#and he's such a sweetheart i love him so much#like there are so many things i love about him i can't fit them all in the tags. same for sara#they're a perfect match for me
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haaate how my two favourite ships (surgamy + espilver) typically involve the less popular character losing their edge and acting really out of character (but in an in character way?) because when i go through periods of not drawing/writing/whatever much when it comes to surge or espio as standalone characters (or at least outside the context of shipping) i get scared im gonna forget who they are and that theyre actually so cool
#sonic#surgamy#espilver#surge the tenrec#espio the chameleon#tag rant warning#also: i only started truly liking espio after i got into espilver#(i mean i thought he was funny and had awkward swag in mosth but that was it)#wheras i was always a fan of surge and only started to like surgamy a few months afterwards#(i only started reading idw whenever 60 was the latest issue#so its not like im some surgamy og who started shipping them when we knew barely anything about surge)#anyway rant aside#i saw someone complain about surgamy filling the surge tag and while i took it a bit too personally (i didnt interact i just moved on)#at the same time i have to agree#its less of a problem with espilver seeing as espio has been an established character much longer than silver#even if silver's more popular#so it balances out#but surge is only a few years old and exclusive to idw a while amy is 25+. one of the mainstream sonic characters and is in most canons#not to mention despite the unneccessary discourse she is beloved by most#and id say most amy ships are about equally popular (other than sonamy but its probably less popular in recent years)#meanwhile surgamy is like THE surge ship#the only thing i think that comes close is whispurge and it doesnt really#ANYWAY#because of this surge is kind of in amys shadow and just. yeah. im too tired for this.#anyway surge is aroace realistically and i dont want her to reciprocate if amy gets a crush on her#(thats not true)#(if they ever got together i would probably either go into a state of euphoria or mania depending on how mentally stable i am at the time)
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had quite the night drive earlier this evening.
#just me rambling again#web weaving#(?)#uh. one of my friends who is out of town for college was visiting and i got to see him and our friends and the only core member of that#group of people missing was my ex girlfriend who you may also know of as my wonderful wife#who has I assume been very busy with their own life things but has also barely and very sparsely had any hint of communication with any of#us within the past few months which I've been realizing very recently sort of hurts my feelings because we used to be so close and#they had been saying that they would be constantly making sure we still were in each other's lives. but then very quickly have#seemingly dropped off the face of the earth#anyways. I was driving aforementioned friend who is in town back home (family home not college obv) and when i was finally going back#towards my house afterwards my Google maps finally lead me to an area that i was more familiar with driving and i got to an#intersection and it was telling me to take a right to go home but i knew that i knew the way perfectly from that intersection to my#ex girlfriend / best friend / wifes familys house from all of the times I've gone that direction through the past years and so#i turned off my directions and i took a left towards their house#not super sure why but my brain and body just knew it was something i needed to do and so i went and drove down their street and cried#a lot the whole time and then drove myself home from their house once again following a super familiar path#and idk im still feeling very emotional about it. the fact that halloween by noah kahan was the first song to play on Spotify#after i made that left turn im sure didnt help (knowing that i miss them so much and am going to be leaving this area myself#soon enough here and there's been an open offer for a while now that they are welcome to follow and live with me once they get their degree#(and also um. halloween is next week lol)#idk i just havent felt the full force of how badly i miss having them in my life until tonight. when i was around this person i could feel#our souls singing in harmony. i genuinely cannot describe the feelings of our relationship in words i feel like only vaguely abstract art#could communicate the connection that was forged between us and the level of understanding and knowing#something not dissimilar to looking into the sun directly or trying to describe a vivid color to someone who is completely blind#something about the way the entire universe breathes in unison and everything around us are all pieces of the same stars#sigh#i miss my wife tails i miss her a lot /ref
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.
#hey g its me#used to think it was pretty hard to fumble an interaction with me#this is still extremely true#but recently in a vc someone triggered me (not knowing it was a trigger)#but i was like#screaming begging them to stop because i knew where it was going and itd be okay if they didnt say anything#just stop the thought. haha yeah okay we all get the reference no need to sing the song#and they did. snd then i immediately left the call#and they. didnt... idkif they even noticed#i never got an apology but id barely talked to that person anyways. was excited to be friends...#and now in my head i think theyre a creep and scary because they did that#thays it tho. thah one interaction. but i was so loud befging them to stop and they did it anyways#and i left and they didnt ask where i went even tho we were actively talking back n forth#idk. i jusy dont eant to interact with tem ever again#ive entertained blocking them but it wouldn't really make a difference i barely see them around
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People who call tim a cheater for the ari steph thing are wild to me 1) theyre 14 do u guys think 14yos are great at Relationships 2) he breaks up with ari as soon as he can when he realizes he wants to date steph yes that surprise kiss happened and wasnt great but return to point 1) and also surprise kisses are like. One of the top comic bullshit bits
#Man.... There are actual stuff u can dislike tim for. He is not this fucking shitty#Txt#Yea ariana deserved much better but holding this relationship against tim from when he was a 14yo child is so. Funny to me#There are much interesting things u could dig into#I will not apologize for being a tim guy hes a fun character if u actually read his comics#(by this fucking shitty i mean he is not someone who would cheat on purpose. he can barely be in one relationship.)#(he doesn't even care for flings even fabnic knew that)#Also i have seen the thing of like#Tim thinks he can date one person as robin and one person as tim thing. So many times#And its literally not true he is very aware that he can't. Hes just struggling bc he isn't sure if he feels more like himself#As robin or as tim#Hence the breakup with ari
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why is it that I find Odysseus the hardest to characterise in my writing out of all the characters? he was the one that the musical / the WHOLE ASS BOOK was about???????
#maybe its because the characterisations are somewhat different between the two#or maybe its because I personally have never spent 10+ years trying to get back to my wife#while i have personally pined over someone#and i have been a child who barely knew their parent#epic the musical#ao3 author#fanfiction
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