#screaming begging them to stop because i knew where it was going and itd be okay if they didnt say anything

[krembearry]

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[s0lar-ch3ri]

tigers you are so right fuck

i honestly didnt know he had parents cause like one ep they mention how lunadeyis is his mom? i thought he had a dad just didnt know welp thats my TIL lmao

also, i think hed think on why the elders didnt want him up here. why they wouldnt want him to see the beauty of this scary horrifying world. why they kept him in the dark waters, unknowing of the bright beautiful colors above. the oversea, hidden, with its strong magic and more enchanting landscape. from the manmade buildings that towered above him, to the small flowers grown with asters help, this was all here and amazing to gill. and he never would have known.

and it maybe hits him that this beauty is exactly why they hid it. they had to have known he would have loved it all, and itd get him stuck to the choice destiny says he must make. itd make it all the harder to choose the undersea, so they hid it.

and maybe gillion when banished just laid there because he didnt know how to feel. he heard from finns stories about how the sun is warm above, and he knew he trained for lunadeyis, but by the goddesses how he fell for the idea of feeling asters touch. her warm beams of light rejuvenating every part of his body. and the sky, how itd change colors throughout the day, how itd generally change each day. maybe he had to stop thinking about it because the elders didnt want him curious, they wanted him focused. but he thought about it. and he still does.

and look where it got you, he once may have thought as he looked up into a sky which wasnt home. it was a blue sky, looking down at him and his failures. look where you are now, as asters rays mercilessly covered him, pinching his skin and threatening his eyes.

maybe it happened after a second of adjusting or when that hand came, but what he wont tell you is how it was all he hoped to, because the sin of repeating mistakes from before was one of the worst. an ignorance to learn from it all. the sky was slightly cloudy, gillion recalled, and its blue shone into his eyes, bright and gorgeous. the clouds werent ones of anger, gillion swore they felt slightly sympathic, as though they said "we understand you, and we listen to you". the sun wasn't even pinching him. it covered him like a sheet, a warmth and energy flowed through him, and the happy motivation made him want to cry because it was like the universe was punishing him with this beauty. "in your time of darkness, let me give you strength to smile on", the universe said, and gillion didnt want to listen. he wanted to scream. he wanted to swim down and beg for forgiveness. he wanted to melt away. so many things that gillion just didnt know what to do. should he be happy? he got what he wanted. should he be sad? hes in trouble for doing his job.

then he sees the hand, and at first hes nervous. maybe theres a bit of yelling on deck, but when he reaches chips eyes, theyre just kind. they slightly remind him of edyn. and hes hesitant to join them. but the kind eyes of this stranger, he feels inclined to come aboard, even if his senses are being overloaded and he cant smell if this man is evil or not.

maybe gill draws his blade, or just keeps his hand on it. and he asks similar to the book, "are you my punishment? how badly have i sinned? is this hell?". and he knows hes outmatched and the armor on him is so heavy and he wants to just colapse and give in to the tiredness. but he has to be alert, they may have just trapped him there. but they start laughing, as though they arent scared and it makes gill feel less scared for some reason. and rather then throwing him away, they immediately say that hes fine with them here and hes now apart their crew, if he accepts. and gillion, untrusting and scared, says yes. destiny maybe needed him here, or he just needed somewhere to go besides just floating around. for him and pretzel. and hes alert so long, yet they dont even look at their weapons. they ask questions and hes just answering, getting used to this.

and he sleeps soundly. and hes not in danger. and it lasts the next night, and the next, and gillion feels like aster, shining behind this boys head that first day, has taken mercy rather then be upset that hes working with her enemy. and maybe the world wants him happy. so he smiles. and the goddess has blessed him with the best pirates the sea can offer, kind and caring. and he smiles.

and now, he smiles. his destiny is his for a reason. not the elders, not the goddesses, his. and hes using it for this. and gillion tidestrider, champion of the undersea, hero of the deep, is who he is by his own hard work, and by lunadeyis is he proud of everything the light can shine upon, especially himself.

Hmmmmmmmmmm

Gillion sitting up on the deck late one night, thinking about the elders and the progression of his life. He thinks about his family, and how he was ripped away from them. He wonders if his parents would be proud, if Edyn is.

He thinks about for how long he’s been barred from finding joy in things beyond fighting and being Champion. He wonders what sort of things he would have enjoyed. Maybe he would have liked to create, rather than destroy.

He thinks about his life after the Elders, and how openly Chip and Jay welcomed him. He thinks about how much he loves them, how eternally greatful that they were there to pull him out of the sea that night.

Does that, subsequently, mean he’s grateful that the Elders threw him away? He supposes that he doesn’t really know. At the time, he surely wasn’t, but maybe now it isn’t such a bad thing. Maybe this is the path that he was always supposed to go down. Maybe after so long, Lunadeyis beckoned him to the surface, and that’s why things unfolded the way they had.

Idk I’m just thinking about Gillion’s Life and his relationship with Destiny. Maybe it was never supposed to happen this way (maybe Falyn and Reed were meant to raise him, all the bravery of Falyn’s sharks, but all the tender care that it takes to grow a garden), or maybe this is exactly the way the gods intended it. Maybe he was supposed to learn the importance of love from a couple of pirates who didn’t have much elsewhere to go.

[lueluepanue-blog]

"You're not perfect either."

This is what youd always try and point out to me almost every argument. This is what you tried to point out to me post breakup when I tried to get you to once see you were wrong. The thing is, everyone makes mistakes and no one is perfect. The thing is, is theres a difference between what I “Did” to you and you to me. Yes. I was messy. Yes, I could have cooked more often. And then there’s the “controling” card you try and throw out as well. Controlling even though I endlessly gave you what you wanted or id never hear the end of it. And even if it bothered me inside-such as having sleepovers with girls youve slept with, or whatever it was that was “controlling”- I gave you what it was that you wanted cause my feelings were always underneath yours. The thing is, is i didnt pinch or squeeze you as hard as I could if I heard something or you said something I didnt like in front of friends and even family. I didnt get drunk and when wed get home id be throwing up or lose the soul in my eyes black out and choke you- (More then one occasion.) I didnt complain about everything you do for me. Wether it was the clothes i bought you, the phone my grandmother bought you, trips Id planned, dinners I bought, where we lived (especially with my family, even though we were homeless), trying to cheer you up constantly cause you were always mad or bothered by something… you were never grateful, always had a negative comment, always a flaw with what was being done for you. Nothing was good enough. I didnt take my anger out on you day in and day out. If you were grumpy you made sure I was grumpy too. And I’d try and reverse the anger by making you smile over and over. But youd get meaner and meaner hurting me and my feelings. I didnt hurt your feelings constantly or shun you away from kisses and hugs. And when my feelings were hurt and you were clearly in the wrong itd take me a good 3 hours to go through why you owe me and apology and what you did wrong. And even still most times you saw nothing wrong with your behavior in which id finally break down with panic attack telling you that you continuously hurt me and that you needed to change only for you to finally say sorry after crushing me down to the point where sorry should have been said so long ago it didnt mean anything. You said sorry too late too many times. Sometimes if I were lucky you’d acknowledge you knew you had a problem and that you couldn’t help it but that you loved me and if I loved you id put up with it. Making me believe it was okay for someone who says they love someone to treat them like that and that i had to basically be okay with how i was treated. Remember I was told by you I couldn’t drive the car for two years. Yet bitched cause you had to drive me everywhere. Remember how we always listened to your music? And not mine? Cause if it were something I wanted to listen to, or watch on tv you acted rude and huffed and puffed because you wanted to listen to your music. I never was continuously late to pick you up from work. Or forgot you cause I was too drunk at the bar. (Happened one time, regardless, you were 2 and half hours late and drunk at the bar before you even realized I was done with work). You were a nice drunk. Except for when you were alone with me. I never said things to embarrass you or upset you in front of family and friends on purpose if i were mad. I never left you during our relationship and fucked an ex and you at the same time telling both i loved them. I never kissed your mom drunk, or made out with people at the bar drunk then make an excuse for it. I never blatantly hit on your mom in front of you. I never pushed you in front of your mother either. I never stopped giving you attention, or stopped wanting to play. I NEVER. It goes on and on. There’s a difference between things people should work on to improve their relationship and straight up mental and physical abuse. “You act like I beat you.”-your words. Okay so because you didnt kick the shit out of me its not abuse? Pinching? Slapping? Choking? Squeezing? “You act like I did it all the time”- your words. Okay so because it didnt happen everyday the damage it caused my heart and mind is irrelevant? And then there’s the emotional abuse. Putting me down about being bisexual. Questioning me to the point no matter what answer i gave it upset you even if it were the truth. Calling me a whore. (Even though you slept with more people) ….**makes alot of sense*** telling me im disgusting over my past or shame me. Telling me i need to stop eating cause I was getting “big”. Justifying hurting my feelings in any shape or form making me believe i was worthless. In what right mind does someone get to hurt someone’s feelings and then get mad at them for getting upset about it. Oh dear my love I could go on and on. Mentally id rather take 12 punches to the face than deal with the mental side of abuse. So, finally one day I gained courage to leave the woman im in love with. I told you itd happen eventually over and over. That id take everything and end it. And that would make you mad. Shame on me for giving countless opportunities to turn everything around grow old with me. Shame on me for trying and fighting for as long as I could and finally breaking from the pain. So I left. And instead of saying to yourself I could have my home and family back if I changed my behavior towards my fiance, you were mad cause I took it away. And even still, I offered to help you out. I said all we needed was some space and for you to get back on track and wed be fine. But no. I was still the monster. I was a “whore” for sleeping with people who at the time hadnt even been slept with. I hadnt even slept with anyone and you were sending nudes and sexting on day three or four. I was a bitch and a cunt for leaving you with “nothing.” Instead of fixing the problem, you pushed me farther away. You were drinking every night. Threatening your life and threatening to crash my car. Name calling. Doing everything opposite of what a person would do if they were to actually fix things. So I started taking away my help. Stopped talking to you as often cause I didn’t want to be put down any longer. Everytime I tried after breaking up youd lash out and be mean and then clam down and tell me youd fix it. Except I had heard it a million times over. Heaven forbid i wanted you to prove for once you meant it. Once I became silent waiting for you, you started the statuses. Degrading me. Making me seem crazy. Making it look like it was me all along. And i wanted to kill myself. How could one person put me through so much and then make the public believe I was the one in the wrong. Then I got the apologies after you knew deep down you were gonna kill me. Then I got the kisses when i saw you again. Then I got the care and love i wanted when i saw you. But it seemed fake. I was so used to you hurting me i didnt believe you when you briefly gave me love those couple of times. After I wanted to die i was so numb and stripped of myself i slept with others. I started to lose hope in us. I wanted attention. And love. I wanted to feel anything other than what I was. And i closed you out still hoping youd eventually come knocking on my door to lift me up and kiss me telling me it was all gonna be okay now. Hoping you would have fought for us. Fixed your mistakes. Hoping id be able to have my family back together and that you truly loved me. After sleeping with them you sort of tried still. New girl was already relevant in your life at this point too. I wasn’t concerned though. You were giving me somewhat of what i wanted with her there. Kisses. Misses. Got a job. I thought you were finally getting it. I was ready for you to come home. And then you cut me cold. Told me I could have had you. Told me it was because I slept with others even though you were loving on me after that. Even though you were sleeping around too. Told me I couldn’t have you and it was my fault. Told me you were moving on with her. Little did i know you were with her long before my knowledge and still giving me false hope. According to facts she was your girlfriend may 11th just wasnt publicly announced. It took you only from the last week of march to the second week of may to forget all about 2 years of family and someone who really loved you. 7 weeks to move on. Meanst the whole time bitched at me for “moving on and seeing others” when im the one who stayed single and faithful to our family and youre the one who moved on. The one who moved on when they were the one who caused the problem. How humiliating for me. How unloved and forgotten and betrayed I felt. I had faith in you and us even after all the pain i was caused and I got shit on. How disappointing, I thought our love was real. I thought instead of finding a new girl to love youd wipe the tears from the one whos done everything for you, your family, and fix the broken. How unimportant and small i felt. How worthless and not speacial you showed me I was. And then I wanted to die all over again. My whole belief in anything and everything was crumbled. I spent two years trying to make it work for us. Gave everything I had in me to fight for us. Meanst while getting fucked in the head and hurt repeatedly. And i wasn’t even worth one attempt. I begged for you to realize. Begged for us. Begged for you to realize I was suffocating and the pain was all so much dying would have been easier. Mentally after everything i was fucked up in the head. Who wouldn’t Be? That’s when you told me “I need professional help and that I was sick.” Dear God, but boy oh boy you never saw you were the one who caused it. You never saw you should have fixed it. All you saw was me breaking down and that it was “my fault” cause I could have had you. I was nothing to you anymore. My screams for you to come home were just annoying noise and I “wasn’t” your baby anymore so you let me burn. And you watched. “You weren’t there for me when i wanted to die”-your words. Heaven forbid i told you i want a break and for once let you live with what you did. Thinking youd take me seriously about our relationship. You never did. You let it slip away. “Why would you wanna be with me if it was that bad and we always fought.”-your words. The answer is simple. I love you. I love all the good and the bad. I love the way you were when you weren’t treating me horribly. I even love your mental illness. However, I don’t love abuse. Mental or physical. I always told you I don’t want to change who you are, I want you to change how you treat me. And that was too hard for you. You didnt want to. And then I realized after all this you hadn’t fixed anything. You quit your job. You blamed me for us not being together. You got a new girl. And you ran away from your problems. All along the only reason I wanted you back was for the sake of I was seeing some improvements. And boy was I wrong after being shit on. Now i don’t know if you ever truly loved me or are capable of love. If you can do it to me- someone who loved you truly so much and did everything for you who you say you love- then youll do it to anybody, anyone. You see, I know you so well, I was the one person who saw your flaws knew to put you in your place, continued to try for us regardless, and at the end of the day still loved you and knew deep down you were better than it, and had faith in you even still. How sad to have let me get to this point. To push me aside. To disregard everything ive done, and spend the rest of life without me. And yet id still let you come back and always will. BECAUSE I DON’T GIVE UP ON PEOPLE OR LOVE JUST BECAUSE IT’S TOUGH. And maybe youll never realize, and maybe you will. And if you do, youll know what you have to do to truly make it right. And if you dont, that is a damn shame for you. And for myself.

Tonight I put these words visibly and clearly for my love. For myself. For us. For family.

I love you more than you will ever be able to comprehend. I miss you with every cell in my body. I see you in everything and everywhere I go.

However, I am strong. Please know its okay to be wrong