#this is literally just my politics in poem form

[k-wame]

Then you are like me…and like all the Romans…and all the barbarians…and all the generations before us…and all those yet to come. For who does not wish, your grace, with all their heart for the quiet mind? Tell me a single soul who has ever found it. [2010 · THE TUDORS · S4·E04 · History]

[ryin-silverfish]

Heart and Mind: An Analysis of Tripitaka

I've been wanting to write this since…since I came across some good ol' Tripitaka discourse in the LMK fandom ages ago. Couldn't remember the specifics, but as y'all probably know, it falls under the "Is him an abusive master" and people's strongly worded retort to that question.

On one hand, I dislike the "abusive" take because so often, it is an excuse to reduce a character to an 2D caricature for cheap angst purposes, and both JTTW and its historical context deserve more nuances than that.

On the other hand, I don't agree with some of the defenses either——that Tripitaka is Kind and Wise and The Virtuous Monk, Actually, and people who said otherwise just had their views colored by adaptations, or were ignorant westerners misreading the book.

Because trust me, Chinese readers absolutely have gripes with Tripitaka too, and sass him mercilessly.

We may have a better idea of the historical context, namely, the common usage and acceptance of corporal punishments, but quite a few of us don't think he's a good Buddhist either.

Instead, I'd like to focus on his allegorical role, and how it ultimately forms the basis for my interpretation of his character.

It is commonly acknowledged that each pilgrim represent an aspect of the enlightenment seeker: Monkey is the Mind, Dragon Horse the Will, Pigsy the Desire, Sandy the Determination/Ideation.

Tripitaka is either the enlightenment seeker as a human, or the Heart, the Compassion.

But how can someone represent Compassion when his behaviors don't look all that compassionate, when he seems to care more about what a good Buddhist looks like on paper than in spirit?

How can a compassionate man punish his disciple with a migraine spell and disown him twice, be okay with some violence but not others?

Well, to answer that question, I feel like you have to look at Tripitaka in conjunction with SWK, and what the monkey represents. He is literally the Mind Monkey, the boundless potential of human intellect, and that, by itself, is neutral.

In the word of one of the best poems in JTTW:

"He could be good; he could be bad; present good and evil he could do at will. He'd be an immortal, a Buddha, if he's good; wickedness would cloak him with hair and horn."

To put it simply, SWK is one's wits, one's problem-solving skills, the ability to discern good and evil on a cognitive level.

Whenever Tripitaka, the Compassion, is deceived, it falls to the Mind to see the opponents as they are, and take action to protect the human from harm.

But just as blind compassion without judgement can be exploited by evil, the reverse is true for a mind without compassion, driven solely by their own ambition and whims and practical knowledge.

The Mind knows that robbery is a crime, so these robbers deserve death, but has no idea how disturbing it is for a regular guy to witness six people being brutally murdered in front of him.

The Mind knows that abandoning your wife and family to become a bandit is shameful and unfilial, but cannot comprehend why the bandit's father may not want his son killed for these offenses.

The Mind knows right and wrong, but has trouble seeing the human behind those acts, and why one should care in the first place.

And to see what the Mind looks like without any of Compassion's restraint, one needs to look no further than SWK's "Second Mind", the Six-eared Macaque.

Just like how "Heart" sounds like a lame power for a character, Compassion isn't flashy, nor as useful in a strictly ultilitarian sense. In fact, having compassion makes you vulnerable. It hurts. And unscrupulous people will absolutely use it against you.

So why hold onto your weakness and wallow in it? The world doesn't need another sanctimonious wuss, it needs strong, clever people making hard sacrifices, ruthless, logical decisions! Tough up! Stop caring, and you'll never be hurt again!

Much like a certain crowd who think basic human decency is somehow political propaganda, perhaps, when SEM struck Tripitaka, he was trying to do the same thing.

Kill the embodiment of compassion, the sniveling, useless, fragile human that keeps holding SWK back. Replace him as the true Mind, the one strong enough to break all bonds and seize glory with his own two hands.

But without compassion, without humanity, one is no longer a whole person, and cannot reach enlightenment. In fact, just like how Buddha would only give the True Scripture to Tripitaka, if you are not brave enough to make yourself vulnerable, to suffer and feel other's suffering, you will never transcend it.

At best, you can have some pale imitations of the parts you have willingly shut out from yourself.

And that's what SEM does. He thought he could do it on his own, singlehandedly replace SWK and reap the benefits of enlightenment, but he is no Monkey Awakened to Emptiness.

He is just empty; cut off desires because it is base, cut off determined ideation because it is foolish, cut off compassion because it is weak, cut off the altruism and curiosity and creativity from the mind, and you are left with a grand total of NOTHING.

A shadow of a self, desperately clinging onto external validation and stolen stories, reading the pilgrim's travel paperwork out loud as if that would actually make the journey his.

Tripitaka needs to trust SWK and learn from him, because compassion, much like good intention, doesn't solve problems on its own, and mercy is not the same as enabling harm.

SWK needs his master's guidance, because even at his most selfish and impulsive, he cares, and only by extending that care to others and accepting the vulnerability that comes with it can he truly mature and become awakened to the ultimate truth.

Thank you for coming to my TED Talk.

One last bit of ramble: I feel like there is something to be said about Tripitaka's tendency to trust Pigsy, and how the pursuit of enlightenment is often derailed by worldly desires.

Unlike the demons they encountered, however, Pigsy is not the personification of mental obstacles that must be destroyed, because you cannot destroy bodily needs, nor the very human tendencies to slack off and avoid trouble.

You should stop listening to its advice, sure. Poke fun at it, absolutely. But what Pigsy represents is part of the human condition, just like every other pilgrim, and also something one must make peace with.

[frail-and-freakish]

today, april 11th, is the anniversary of Mel Baggs' death. Mel Baggs was one of the early founders of the neurodiversity movement and believed that no one was too disabled for human rights, something that modern nd movements fail to understand to this day. sie was so instrumental to my understanding of literally everything. sie died from medical ableism and neglect during the beginning of the pandemic. we would be nowhere fucking near where we are now without hir. i've decided to make a masterlist of some of my favorite posts of hirs, organized into different categories.

(some of these are listed in more than one category because they overlap so much)

here are some of the "essentials" (what you might have already read by hir/should read first):

hir memorial site hosted by ASAN:

In My Language

the oak manifesto

There is ableism at the heart of your oppression, no matter what your oppression might be

Getting The Truth Out (many pages, parody of bad autism awareness campaign called "getting the word out")

the meaning of self-advocacy

what makes institutions bad

aspie supremacy can kill

here are some of hir beautiful writings on perceiving/communicating with hir environment as an autistic person, and on communication in general:

up in the clouds and down in the valley: my richness and yours

distance underthought

the naked mechanisms of echolalia

empty mirrors and redwoods

the fireworks are interesting

hir tumblr tag #sensing (@withasmoothroundstone)

on personhood and who has the authority to take it away:

being an unperson

what it means to be real

empty mirrors and redwoods

on institutions and the I/DD service system:

caregiver abuse takes many forms

"i don't know that person's program"

what my home means to me

dd service system tag

god help the critic of the dawn: glamour and its fallout

what makes institutions bad

post on the JRC

outposts in our heads

on online social justice communities/their inaccessibility:

Your politics have a problem when they contradict the real-life experiences of the people they're supposed to be about.

politics, ethics and mental widgets

hir tumblr tags #outside the wall and #little packages (@withasmoothroundstone)

misc:

The Bones My Family Gave Me

Please violate only one stereotype at a time

My sort of people, just as real as theirs.

Reviving the concept of cousins

gender tag

this is hir poems and creative works:

this is hir writing on autistics.org:

may hir memory be a blessing/revolution.

[literaryvein-reblogs]

Literary Terms

Allegory. A kind of story that has a meaning deeper than its obvious one, and it’s a sort of extended metaphor. A famous example is Bunyan’s "The Pilgrim’s Progress", which ostensibly tells the tale of the journey of its protagonist Christian, but has a symbolic meaning that describes the journey of a Christian from Earth to Heaven. In Medieval times, allegory was commonly used to communicate religious messages, but later it became a way of commenting on politics or society. "Gulliver’s Travels" by Jonathan Swift and "Animal Farm" by George Orwell are both examples of allegories that use bizarre stories as parallels for real political and social situations; Swift was commenting on everything from particular politicians to entire countries, while Orwell’s tale reflects events in the run-up to the 1917 Russian Revolution.

Aside. A device that has been used in plays for centuries, involving a character directly addressing the audience without the other characters being able to hear. It’s part of the story, usually kept brief and often used comically to gossip or make a comment about another character behind their back. Some films make use of this technique too, with a character looking directly into the camera to address viewers, known in this context as ‘breaking the fourth wall’. This is something "Amelie", the eponymous heroine of the French film that bears her name, does frequently by whispering conspiratorially to the audience.

Litotes. Understatement used for rhetorical effect, and usually makes use of double negatives for emphasis. For example, rather than stating overt enthusiasm for something, one might say that it was “not bad”. Another example might be “He’s not unintelligent”, as a means of saying that someone is intelligent (or even a genius). While understatement might at first seem a peculiarly British trait, the use of litotes is common in a number of European languages, and was a strong feature of Old English poems and Icelandic sagas. There are also instances of its use in the Bible, and even as far back as Homer’s epic "The Iliad", in which Achilles is described by Zeus as “neither unthinking, nor unseeing”.

Pathetic fallacy. A literary device in which human emotions are attributed to aspects of nature, such as the weather. For instance, the weather can be used to reflect a person’s mood, with dark clouds or rain present in a scene involving sorrow. It’s a form of personification. A novel that famously makes use of pathetic fallacy is Wuthering Heights, by Emily Bronte, the stormy characters and tumultuous relationships of which are reflected in the novel’s setting: the bleak Yorkshire Moors. Ferocious thunderstorms mirror Heathcliff’s aggression, and elsewhere reflect the turmoil Cathy must go through in choosing between Edgar and Heathcliff. Pathetic fallacy is even present in the name of the novel, which is also the name of the farmhouse in which the story is set; the word “wuthering” refers to wind so strong that it makes a roaring sound, or to a place characterised by wind that roars. Such threatening weather is used to create a sense of foreboding, forming a menacing backdrop to a story populated by characters whose violent and jealous temperaments are hugely destructive to themselves and others.

Stream of consciousness. This literary technique describes a character’s interior monologue (a continuous flow of thoughts going on in the character’s mind). It’s a technique that came to the fore in the 20th century, famously championed by Virginia Woolf in "To The Lighthouse" and, more bafflingly, by James Joyce in his groundbreaking novel "Ulysses", in which the idea of a stream of consciousness is taken to its extreme. Trying to represent the randomness of human thought processes literally, Joyce penned paragraphs like this: “My missus just got an. Reedy freckled soprano. Cheesparing nose. Nice enough in its way: for a little ballad.”

More: Word Lists

[berk-brain-rot]

Brain worm of the day:

The way Berk uses difference in punctuation specifically between poems as a whole.

So in a previous post I did an incredibly overly detailed babble of words into how Berk uses capitalization for individual words that provide not just emphasis, but sometimes change their entire meaning from that of a verb to a proper noun/entity.

This isn't the only way they use capitalization though. Berk's poems in Lazarus Rises seem to follow a couple different levels of grammatical rule breaking basically. Some of their poems follow basic grammar sentence structure:

What I mean by that is that capitalization occurs in the same way it would for normal sentences, with the first letter of a sentence and all I's being capitalized, as well as with periods concluding each sentences.

Sometimes they follow a form of normal sentence structure:

Their I's are still capitalized and they still use periods, but the beginning of sentences aren't capitalized. Not only that but the sentences themselves don't follow a normal sentence structure in the form of subject-verb-object, they seem to begin and end wherever emphasis or a spoken pause would be needed.

Sometimes though they completely throw the rules out the window:

In the case of this poem they don't capitalize a single letter or use a single period until the very end of their poem:

Now here's the thing, this could all be Berk just messing around with style (they're entitled to playing around with it but honestly a lot of the ways Berk writes seems entirely too well thought out and specifically chosen for that to make sense to me). This could be Berk just deciding the shift key was too heavy that day (which I would argue is in itself a choice that would carry through to your poems). This could have no greater meaning to it (press x to doubt).

But regardless of whether this was all intentional (and I very much would argue it is, at least subconsciously) the fact that Berk writes in this way provides more layers to gain from their poems.

In the case of their poem X. periods hold a significance whenever they choose to use them. They provide emphasis that might not have otherwise been given, they provide a dictation for how their poems might be read aloud, they provide another layer of meaning.

The same can be said for their lack of capitalization.

"One day, I will move on from my grief." is incredibly different from "one day, I will move on from my grief." The first case could be seen on a hallmark card honestly. It's not wrong, but I kind of immediately want to throw it away in annoyance at feeling misunderstood.

But in the second case?? You can literally feel the exhaustion.

This second line means something to me. This second line comes from someone who actually gets what it's like to grieve, who gets that to put it into polite terms, is really fucking hard.

When they throw away all grammar rules though???

Their poem XIII does this :

Tell me you didn't get to the end of that poem, and get knocked out of your chair. Look me in the eyes, and lie to me, because of course you're on the ground.

"You are not alone." hits you like a sledgehammer. Nothing else in that poem follows normal grammar. There is not a single other period or capitalized letter. So when you read that statement you can almost feel Berk trying to lovingly slam you with the idea of friendship and caring and sharing in pain together so that we are never alone again.

TLDR; Berk uses all available tools they have in the written form to knock you upside the head (/pos) with an emotion. Sometimes this is the words they choose to use, sometimes this is the way they fit those words together, and sometimes they make sentence structure their bitch in a way that I'm honestly in awe of.

As always, the source is always more interesting than anything I have to say, so if you haven't yet, go read Lazarus Rises(amongst other things) and follow them on their Tumblr @icaruspendragon because they write so many cool things beyond just their published book.

[teardrop-scales]

Matchup for @babulejka

I match you with...

Macaque!

I think you two would be a genuinely healthy and good couple.

Macaque could definitely use someone like you. Your kindness, cheerfulness and politeness as well your energy and optimistic outlook would contrast well with his more quiet, snarky, sassy and brooding nature. You two give me a "miss sunshine and mr grumpypants" kinda vibe, and that's good honestly! It's one of my favorite ship dynamics XD

You said you have an elegant and lady-like kinda vibe as well, and these vibes also seem like something Macaque would be into for some reason.

Considering both your styles and your looks compared with Macaque's style, I think you two would be an aesthetically pleasing to look at couple. I can't really put into words why, but I think your clothing styles would fit Macaque's general vibe.

Macaque is very attentive and observant, so he'd give you some rings, earrings or brooches that he thinks you would like, or just ones that reminded him of you. You wouldn't even have to say at any point to him that you like that kind of stuff, he would notice on his own because he actually pays a lot of attention to you.

Generally I feel like Macaque is the type of person who quietly notices and notes down in his mind what kind of things you like, so he knows what kind of gifts would make you the happiest.

Macaque admires you for having so many interesting hobbies and passions.

He is a theater kid for sure, with his love for dramaticness and shadow plays, and you have a few hobbies that kinda match that.

He is amazed when he learns that you do ballet. You better believe that he will be at your every show if you participate in that sort of thing, in exchange that you come to his shadow plays as well, of course.

I mean, you literally said you organize puppet theaters! And Macaque is into shadow plays, which is also a form of theatre! I'm sure that's only one of the many topics you could talk to each other and bond about. If that doesn't prove that you two would be perfect for each other, I don't know what will lol.

He'll try to get into some of your hobbies. They are so creative and interesting, like I said, Macaque admires that very much as a theatre kid himself.

I headcannon that Macaque, like you, can also play a few instruments and sing quite well. And considering his storytelling during that one shadow play episode, maybe he would be good at composing songs too and writing poems. So I can see the two of you having music sessions, just playing your instruments and singing together. Macaque would also definitely offer to help you in writing songs and such.

Macaque is a demon and a celestial monkey; he's pretty strong and has a good stamina, so he'd gladly try to get into your hobbies such as fencing or archery and practice with you.

But he wouldn't try horse riding. Just... No.

Like you, Macaque also wouldn't probably limit to just one or two love languages and instead would try to show his love in different ways. Although he may be a little shy and distrustful of physical contact especially when you're the one initiating it, since how much trauma this guy has and what he's been through... So you'd have to be a little gentle and patient with that, but he'll come around and understand that you won't hurt him after some time.

Your love for nature and fascination with the world around you was probably one of the many things that made Macaque fall in love with you. He would gladly take you for walks around Flower Fruit Mountain and introduce you to the little monkeys.

And he has his shadow portals! Which means, he can take you all around the world basically. Wherever you want to go, whatever you want to see or experience, just say the word. Your wish is his command.

If you start talking to him about space or oceans or just any topic that you're interested in, he'll listen to you while staring at you with a soft smile.

Surprisingly or not, I think he would like your darker sense of humour. I feel like it could match his snarkiness and his brooding nature.

He knows you're stubborn, but he wouldn't let you overwork yourself. He has a silver tongue when he wants to, so he definitely would try to coax you into taking a break, and preferably spending some free time with him. If that doesn't work, well... He's much stronger than you, so he'd probably just take you into his arms forcefully and drag you away from your work lmao.

Oh, and he'd definitely eat anything you bake or cook. If you bake cookies or something similar he'd probably try to steal some before they're even ready, just to mess with you. He'd use his shadow portals and do it when you're not looking. We all know he's pretty sneaky.

A.N: I know I haven't mentioned all your info and your hobbies, sorry for that, but girl, you have SO MANY of those, if I mentioned every thing this would be too long I think XD. Hope you're satisfied.

[redditreceipts]

its very sad how the 8th of march is not being taken seriously in russia. maybe in other countries too but im not gonna speak on that. its a "holiday" of "femininity, flowers and spring". you give your mom and grandma yellow mimosa flowers, read them a poem and celebrate what was mentioned above. i dont think most russians who celebrate it even know where the "holiday" came from or what it actually means.

have a nice day;3

that's so stupid. I mean I don't hate flowers or anything, and I think that it's a nice gesture if your boss or your boyfriend or your son gives you flowers. the problem is that they don't care to change anything for women in politics. Like in Russia, where 2017 there was a law that decriminalised many forms of domestic abuse:

and now look at what the Russian government answered:

they have literally an MRA government. but from the Russian women I know, most of them are extremely independent and choose to not have kids, which is why the birth rate keeps dropping lol

(on this sign, it says: "instead of flowers - respect")

I don't speak too much on this blog about my support for Ukraine and my disdain for Putin, but I just want to reiterate that the right-wing anti-democratic warmongering dictatorship in Russia is probably one of the worst for women in the entirety of Europe. I hope the birth rate in Russia keeps dropping to zero, until there is no one Putin can recruit into his stupid war anymore lol

[tiredmetalenthusiast]

Poems of Love Pt.2 (Gaz x F!Reader)

Wooooo okay! Sorry for the long wait ya’ll! End of school year work takes up a lot of my time! But With the school year ending soon I should be able to post more regularly! PLUS part 2 is finally here! Please enjoy!

Warnings: Mentions of masturbation, Price being observant, language.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After that first letter it was like something had shifted about Gaz. He was happier, his eyes brighter even despite the constant horrors they lived through on a daily basis. He thought about that letter all the time, when he was feeling down he would pull it out and read it, it gave him a warm feeling.

Letters kept popping up every now and again, at least twice a month there would be a new letter under his door, usually when something happened but occasionally just out of the blue.

The most recent one was slipped under his door after being undercover and he'd be lying if he said the contents didn't make a blush rise to his face. 

He catches himself hoping the person is you. Even now as he openly stares. You had gotten new workout clothes since your old ones were ratty.

Johnny had whistled as he saw you walk into the gym area on base. Sports bra showing ample cleavage and the little biking shorts showcasing your ass. “Dinnea Ken ye were hidin all tha’ from us Bonnie.” “You literally saw me in a dress for that stupid gala Soap.” 

“‘S no the same hen. Thought ye were hiding chicken legs under yer uniform!” you laughed and flipped Soap off, “Fuck off Mactavish! Compared to you lot everyone has chicken legs!”

Gaz had been staring at you, taking in your curves, the way the tops of your breasts swelled from how the sports bra squished them together and his brain was rapid firing dirty thoughts. He went back to lifting his weights to take his mind off of how good your ass looked.

And now it was your turn, staring at Gaz as he lifted his weights, he'd been in here for a while as you could see the sweat soaking his workout shirt. His muscles bunching and releasing as he lifted and dropped the weights, you gulped to keep yourself from drooling and turned away to start your workout.

“Bloody ridiculous.” Gaz turns to look at Price, one eyebrow raised in question. “What's ridiculous, sir?”

Price shook his head. “You for starters. You've been staring at her arse for a good long minute without blinking.”

Gaz startles before rapidly blinking his eyes, noticing the slight dryness. “Nah Cap, you're seein things.”

Price scoffs and heads for the shower. When Gaz turns back you're nowhere in sight. He decides to head for the showers as well to clear his head and rub out a fast one to the images he was suppressing earlier.

-several hours and a tiring mission later- Gaz POV-

It didn't surprise him when, after a long day and a nice hot shower, there was a letter resting on his floor. The envelope was light blue this time and smelled of roses.

He sat on the edge of his bed, towel around his waist as he carefully opened the letter.

To the angel at my 6

If ever I could speak to the old Renaissance artists, I would request sculptures of you to be placed in churches around the world.

Women all over would fawn at the way you encapsulate their dream man, handsome; polite; a god in human form; the beautiful demon that haunts and charms them.

Seeing you working up a sweat at the gym, the lights hitting just right made you look godly, almost ethereal. Like Apollo striking in the sun’s warm rays.

The sheen of sweat on your skin makes me wonder if you'd look the same coming out of a pool, the way the ocean's droplets would fall from Poseidone himself emerging from the ocean.

I hope most nights that you dream of me as I dream of the thought of feeling your warm skin against mine in the heat of passion. Thoughts of you warm my soul as if heated by the flames of hell itself and I couldn't love the feeling more if I tried.

Gaz stared at the letter for a long while, his face felt warm, eyes wide at the thoughts of him laid bare on the rose scented paper in lovely script.

How could anyone compare him to gods and say that he is worthy of being a Renaissance sculpture? Him? The man with a fear of helos? Compared to Apollo and Poseidone? Whoever was writing these letters had to be absolutely off their rocker.

He wasn't worthy of such comparisons but damn did they make him feel on top of the world. Laying the letter down he got up to dress for bed before placing the letter in his desk drawer with the others.

If anyone were to ask him which was his favorite letter he would never be able to decide. Each one bringing about a blush or a racing heart, how could he ever choose?

He'll have to ask one of the guys to help him find out who this mystery person is leaving him letters of love and poems in the dead of night.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tag list: @cumikering

[shakespearerants]

Through careful consideration (and my reread of Empire of Ivory) I have formed the following opinion on Tom Riley and Catherine Harcourt's relationship, as having happened off screen and under Laurence's nose:

Harcourt: Oh damn the captain's kind of hot maybe I'll flirt a little bit, get me some kind of weird situationship going for the voyage to distract myself from my dragon literally dying right before my eyes.

Harcourt: Oh, yeah sure I'll act as go-between for Riley and Laurence. Bonus eye candy for me!

Harcourt, notably easily impressed by attractive slightly older male attention (Choiseul), having to ask the broad shouldered stuck up polite navy captain to intimate dinners pretty much daily for months: What if...I made the weird situationship....a friends-with-benefits thing? He'll never see me again, and Jane told me about being careful and all.

Captain Riley, emotionally repressed navy man: *fell head over heels in love by the second dinner at the latest*

Captain Riley, has not seen a woman in literal months and can't get a it's-not-gay-if-you're-shipmates thing going on due to conflict of interest because he is the ranking captain: I know I am ruining a gentlewoman and I am wrecked with guilt over it but I can't stay away from her.

Captain Riley, sense of honour on par with Laurence: It's just improper to get married on a ship and also society will gossip tremendously. No, best thing is probably to write 10 000 love poems while we're stuck in cape town, and then pop the question as soon as we're back in England. Yes, this will work, there is no reason she wouldn't want to marry me, if we have the son for whom I've already picked out first and three middle names for he'll be filthy fucking rich, and if we have a daughter (who will be named after my mother then her mother and then second middle name her grandmother) I'm rich enough to support us three.

Harcourt, pregnant, facing the man she had a presumably months-long affair with: Why does Riley want to marry me all of a sudden???!!!

Riley, suddenly faced with a woman who Does Not Behave Like A Gentlewoman Should and actually has the post and orders to back it up: Why can't she see we HAVE to get married now, or else me, her AND the child will be ruined?? ALso side not, is there something wrong with me??? I though we were in LOVE!!!!!

[outofangband]

Follow up to this here

Related post that references this one

Rambling thoughts on Aerin and kindness, defiance and anger

I just keep thinking about Sador telling Túrin that Aerin maintains the older ways of Hador’s people, even at great risk to herself

He says that she would be hurt if she were caught talking to a traveler at the door, and this might just be an inference because of Brodda’s gestures vaguely everything but it could also very well be some thing that Sador knows happened. He says that she knew all the councils of Morwen and was almost certainly one of the people who mentioned in chapter four who brought news to her. She feeds and shelters, those who have been cast out or who would otherwise be made slaves and doesn’t ask for anything in return She uses what a little mobility her terrible Her position affords her consistently to help others, even when she’s at risk of losing that mobility and just being hurt so badly for it.

Even more so than Angband, we get textual evidence regarding resources and resources control post Nírnaeth in the Narn; Aerin bringing food to Morwen and suffering for it, the theft of the means of production in agriculture from the Hadorians, the way Aerin feeds Sador and some of the others. Aerin is often at the center of this, using this horrifying role she has been forced into to aid others, sometimes in ways she might be able to get away with, often in direct defiance

I think about the other ways she can keep hold of herself and her culture; whispered song or poem, even if it’s just to herself, my stitching idea…

Something about keeping a grip whatever fragments of your culture that you can, of whatever manners of your old life before it was torn apart by violence and in the face of devastating cultural loss

I was thinking about how Aerin’s kindness serves a similar purpose as Morwen’s pride. It is itself defiant against the insurmountable attacks, both personal and cultural that they have faced.

And how Aerin’s kindness is defiance, often in the literal sense as her aid of those who her captors dismiss or despise or fear is in direct disobedience of what she’s allowed.

There’s also the duel aspect of her having to be at least to some extent nice and certainly polite to her captors, especially Brodda and the toll this takes. I think her sincere kindness towards others is almost a way of dealing with this. She fears what could happen if she gives into her anger or just sheer exhaustion in one side, that it will show on the other. I have another post about this somewhere but she has no room to be angry, no room to process and deal with what is being done to her

I also want to say that Aerin’s defiance takes many forms and is something that I think is overlooked including and perhaps especially by people in the book. Yes, Aerin is kind and her kindness and caring for Morwen and for her people is both brave and defiant in itself and vital to others. But she is also defiant in more overt ways, she is full of repressed anger, and she is so so brave.

I don’t know if I’m explaining myself properly but

Anyways I’m running on about three hours of sleep, so this is not the most well put together post and I will return to it and try to say some thing more eloquent but yeah I just think about it a lot and I love her (and Morwen) very much

[crowholtz]

okay I'll talk about Helene and Strahd a little let's go. I'm going to make some bullets of things about them, and I'll put under a read more more detail about how they met. This will have some spoilers for CoS so yeah woo

They have a red thread that links them together that can be seen in the ethereal plane

They both value propriety and politeness, though Helene hates politics

Their hearts literally beat as one. He gave her a necklace with a piece of the Heart of Sorrow but has since used Fabricate to encase her heart with the crystal, syncing her heart with his. He literally owns her heart

They're both huge nerds who like science and magic and poetry.

They write poems for each other

They were once racing horses back to the castle, and he tried cheating by just simply running, faster than her horse. So she cast Daylight (which my DM rules as sunlight) to stop him from running forward but he was running so fast that his momentum carried him into the Daylight and he burned up, turning to mist and flying back to his coffin. Later he was... Playfully miffed at her.

Helene was once tortured by a witch, so Strahd ripped the witch's arms from her body and gifted them to Helene. She loved it

He had his coffin expanded in size so she could sleep in it with him. They have slept in it together (among other things)

They're addicted to each other's blood

They stalk each other all the time. They catch each other stalking the other at the same time they are.

Strahd has gotten her to execute criminals

They once had a snowball fight

He's somehow managed to get Ireena and Helene angry with him, and then when they confronted him together he managed to verbally finesse and talk his way around not only calming them but seducing them. At the same time. All in the same night

He's showed her his secret lab with all his fucked up experiments and they've compared notes

they're both horse girls. They loves talking about horses

Both blood mages. He's always impressed by her talent with blood magic

He (and Ludmilla) have taught her arcane magic and contributed to her taking levels in wizard

Helene composed for him a song on piano

Knowing Strahd often is spying on her, she'll just do something ambiently to taunt, tease, or flirt with him. Once she killed something and mockingly bowed to him

They can mentally talk to each other at all times

One time they were cuddling and she said she wished she could hold his heart in her hand. He said she can and proceeded to rip his own ribcage open and guided her hand inside. She held his heart in her hand, pleased, and they kept cuddling 🥰

Strahd took her ice skating once

They love to fight each other. Literally. Whether it's an actual battle, a game of wits, a sparring match. They love it

Strahd brought Helene to Barovia because she's a cleric of the Red Knight and has a keen mind for strategy, and intended to groom her to be his General

Helene is an ever inquisitive young woman, she has to know everything. She also is the type to absolutely sit down with the most evil, misunderstood, or monstrous of figures to pick their brains. She intended to do this with Strahd as a way to information gather.

They first started in depth correspondence when the party rescued Doru from the church basement. since he was engaged to marry Strahd when he was locked in the basement, they thought to garner good will with Strahd. Helene contacted him and told him Doru was alive and indeed not destroyed, which prompted Strahd to immediately send a carriage to pick up Doru. Strahd told Helene that he owed them a favor for returning his love to him.

Strahd, on his part, also intended to seduce her. They started amicable conversation pretty soon after she arrived in Barovia, with her absolutely fascinated by him. She learned she could pray to him to contact him from a distance

This led to them forming a mental connection in which they communicate through the language of Supernal, able to contact each other at any time, see the other's immediate surroundings and sort of project the image of themselves to each other.

Eventually she started developing very intense feelings for him, an attraction, so he did indeed succeed in seducing her. She fell hard into his web. buuuut also, he fell way harder for Helene than he intended to. like we're talking Tatyana levels of obsession. he's actually very conflicted about it because he feels a little like he's betraying his dedication and love to Tatyana and the duty he feels to constantly chase her.

Their first intimate moment was at the dinner he forced the party to attend with him. He took her aside and had a private conversation, picked each other's brains. they played games of chess for hours, lost in their company of each other. She revealed to him she was a fallen aasimar (something he already knew, but she usually keeps it hidden), and she was always ashamed of her blackened, torn bat wings. but he told her they were magnificent and beautiful, and that sparked the first romantic feeling in her

Helene became very obsessive. she was always contacting him, always thinking about him - she'd done this in past relationships too. girl's unhealthy. she'd always try and spy on him, see what he's up to. and more often than not she'd catch him spying on her at the same time.

The Night It Boiled Over - St. Andral's Bones

eventually, during the fiasco with the bones of St. Andral in Vallaki, Helene was cornered alone by a group of vampire spawn. Strahd showed up and lectured the spawn, angry and annoyed, and then slaughtered them before they could hurt Helene. He quickly checked her over to make sure she was alright, then left. Helene caught up with the rest of the party who were running the bones back to the church. When they walked in, Strahd was there, covered in blood and ash from the vampires.

Strahd told them to hand over the bones. After a tense moment, Helene said "I call the favor." She was calling in the favor he owed them from saving Doru. this infuriated and impressed Strahd. She was playing on his propriety, on him being a man of his word, to directly thwart his plans. He left.

Later that night, Strahd asked Helene join him for dinner at her manor (previously Death House). they sat, ate, drank wine. they talked about blood wine, and she wondered if aasimar blood tasted different, and offered to put some of her blood in his wine. he accepted and savored it calmly.

He then asked her about what she did regarding calling in the favor, wondering how she felt about it. He was obviously upset, but impressed by her. She looked him dead-on and told him that she was not sorry for doing it. She achieved her goal. She won that battle.

The tension snapped then, and he moved across the table and kissed her. From there it was... a very enthusiastic, violent coupling. Both of them are kinda freaks.

The Rest of the Campaign (so far)

From there, Helene fell hard. She was persuaded to spend a week at castle ravenloft, during which he spent a fair bit of time (with Escher's help) corrupting her, trying to get her to give into her darker urges, getting her addicted to his blood. He gave her a bride necklace (necklace with a piece of the Heart of Sorrow) and she became engaged to him.

After she left, they've been having rendezvous, and he often tries to get her to give up and just come to the castle and be with him and her 'family' (she'd bonded quite a bit with the brides during her time there). But she knew that'd be a bad idea, she knew she'd end up becoming just another bride in this endless cycle of suffering in Barovia.

She's since officially declared war on him as tensions have only escalated and the party has collected all of the items they need. they love war and strategy, so this is somewhat of a mating dance between them as well lmao.

The more Helene grows, the more Helene realizes that Strahd isn't good for her, and she wonders even when Vampyr is no longer influencing him, will he still be bad for her? She's since leaned into her relationship with Vasili (Strahd's reincarnated soul in our campaign) because he's a better man.

But Strahd still gets under her skin. Strahd is in her thoughts constantly. He drives her insane. They aren't healthy by any stretch, but damn they are in a disgusting amount of love with each other

[rathma]

ship ask game! 1, 7, 13, 21, 42!

sinking my teeth into this ask thank you

for kainegale of course :3c

1. Describe their first date.

Gale keeps bringing up how much he wants to have Kaine in his tower in Waterdeep, to cook for them and whatnot, I think Kaine wants that to happen. They want Gale to take them to all of his favorite parts of the city, to read to them his favorite poems, to cook dinner for them, and fall asleep together on his balcony. If they had their way, and they had met in Valais, not much would have been that different, honestly - Kaine wants to see the city and spend the day together. Valais is built into the side of a mountain, so it has plenty of stunning views and great places for them to show off their magic.

7. How often do they say “I love you”?

I feel as though there's less of a habit of saying "i love you" and more of a series of affectionate terms - "my love", "my darling," "amor", "starlight" - though I think Gale is prone to the occasional grand declaration of love. Kaine tends to show it in other ways, like the teeth marks all over Gale's neck

13. How do they keep in contact when they’re apart? Do they write letters, talk on the phone, or simply wait out the time?

i know i know i KNOW Gale loves to write letters, they're pages and pages long and Kaine reads them over and over again. Kaine will write back, of course, but that takes too long, so they prefer to use some form of divination, like a sending stone or telepathy. Gale is probably the sort of guy to believe in absence making the heart grow fonder, but Kaine is impatient and needy lmao

21. Do they enjoy domestic life?

Gale does, I'm sure. He just wants to be at home with his cat and his partner. Kaine is more than willing to entertain him, but at heart, they want adventure and exposure. Some day, Kaine will have to ascend their throne, so they just kind of... show up at home at the Dawn Palace with their Waterdhavian wizard in tow like. Hello

42. What’s their relationship like with each other’s friends/families?

Kaine LOVES Tara and they want to meet Gale's mother as soon as possible - they're such a mom's favorite too, you know the kind, charming and polite with quite literally royal manners. They're a bit nervous to introduce Gale to their own parents, but for nothing. The Imperators Silva are kind people, and they recognize that Gale isn't the one who made Kaine run away in the first place, so I imagine they're very quickly enamored with him.

ship asks here~

[ao3-kintou]

hello! i adore your fics and your writing! i was wondering, what books would you consider and absolute must read to hone both our writing and reading (as in, comprehending a book) skills?

Thank you so much!

There's a few books that I could recommend with wildly different reasons. I don't know what type of writing/reading you want to be doing or what your experience is right now. I mainly learned through reading/writing and all of those works adding to my style, so it's not that much non-fiction. Anyway, I'll be naming a few things and say why it helped me! I hope some of these can work for you!

First of all– for poetry, I loved reading any work (my favourite is Averno, but there's lots of her work online) by Louise Gluck and maybe adding onto it with her non-fiction work American Originality. The non-fiction gives you a peak into her mind and her reflection on what makes literature good, but reading her works first lets you know why you should care about her opinion (spoiler, it's because her works are beautiful).

If you'd enjoy looking at what exactly literature can be, how far you can take it (or how much greek classics can be fanfictionized + turned into a poem) you can read Autobiography of Red. I think this is one of the most impressive/creative books I've read.

The same goes for Ali Smith. She's so smart with choosing a unique form/style when writing prose and combining politics, gorgeous, magical stories. I loved her book Spring most (it makes least sense) but Companion Piece or Summer have similair vibes with an easier story.

Then, one of the reasons I got into writing was because of Allen Ginsberg and watching/listening to his readings of Howl. I was young when I watched Kill your Darlings and the documentary Howl but it got me to take my writing serious. It's interesting when learning how to use rythm, politics, lightness, anything. You can watch his readings of Howl on youtube by the way, so you could do that first!

If you'd like an introduction to Russian classics within short stories, I think that A swim in a pond in the rain by George Saunders can be interesting! It's just a few short stories and reflections on them by a Creative Writing teacher.

I also often give my students the exercise to read some stories of Raymond Queneau's Exercise in style, and try to observe one spot and write exactly what they observed it in different styles/perspectives like Queneau does (I tell them to write 3 styles for every spot).

Or, you can look at someone like George Perec, who quite literally wrote a book called An Attempt at Exhausting a Place in Paris (and also the book i love most called 'Species of Spaces') who focusses on writing as much and as detailed as possible about one place. Don't make anything up. Just write every single thing down. It's a nice exercise to do in your own city! All these observations can be used beautifully when writing fiction, or they can help you make the made up observations more realistic. (I don't know if you should read Perec, it can be a challenge if you get started, but you can use his way of observing and researchig).

When talking about perspectives and writing characters that are possibly not understandable to us, I think it could also be interesting to read Han Kang's The Vegetarian.

Or, when thinking about writing magical realism and worldbuilding you can check out Yoko Ogawa's The memory police or Murakami's Hard boiled wonderland and he end of the world or Killing Commendatore.

Then lastly, if you're looking for something that teaches us how to write empty/slow but very meaningful books, you could look into Cold enough for snow by Jessica Au or Buzz Aldrin, What Happened to You in All the Confusion? by Johan Harstad.

There's so much more but this answer is becoming wayyyy too long already! Hopefully some of these recommendations work for you or match what you think is interesting!

Good luck and have fun!! Thanks for the compliment again!

[spectaculardistractions]

To André Breton Paris, 6 May 1932 My dear Breton, I do believe that in spite of my delay there is still time in this letter to state my position with regard to the surrealist group and to address the latest events that have marked a particularly serious phase for the very future of surrealism. When some years ago I wanted to join forces with you, I saw that – leaving aside other purely poetic qualities – the great and truly subversive ideological consolation offered by surrealism was its implacable resistance to the intellectual sterility of the bourgeoisie, from which I myself originated and against which some time previously, I had rebelled. Only the fact that I had bound my ideological destiny to that of surrealism led me sometime later to join the PCE, and in this choice I see, both subjectively and objectively, clear evidence of the revolutionary qualities of surrealism, my current position being the natural consequence of our collaboration over recent years. Until just a few months ago, I would never have thought it possible that an apparently violent contradiction would arise between these two disciplines, surrealism and communism: or that these latest events would demonstrate them now to be mutually incompatible. You will appreciate that, were it not for my recent affiliation with the PC (with all that entails, both practically and ideologically), the problem would never have arisen, and I would have continued to work with you all. However, given the current state of events, there is no room for a communist to doubt himself or to question for a moment the choice between his party and any other activity or discipline. I do not consider myself particularly politically gifted and I still believe my abilities would be put to better use within surrealism, but I doubt that I would be of more service to the revolution by remaining with you than by continuing to belong to a party for which I can at least make some contribution. My separation from your activities does not mean that I completely abandon ALL your ideas, but only those that TODAY present an obstacle to the acceptance of the surrealist movement by the PC; obstacles that are, I want to believe, of a purely formal and transient nature. For example, poetically speaking, there is no doubt that my ideas may differ from your own, especially in my conviction that it is currently impossible to sustain a ‘closed’ notion of poetry over and above the class struggle. It is this word ‘closed’ that provokes the discrepancy between you and me. The subversive value of poetry removed from the context of class can only be subjective, although this does not prevent me thinking that insofar as emotion and love are concerned your poem ‘Union libre’ is wholly admirable. It is not for me to resolve this difficult problem and I am happy to accept in the meantime (alongside poetry as you understand it or rather, as surrealism permits me to understand it), a less pure form of expression with propagandistic merit that may reach the masses more directly. This is why I have always liked the poem ‘Front rouge’ or at least its intentions. Before finishing this letter, which I have pared down to say only what is essential, I want also to express my profound and absolute rejection of the manifestos and libellous writings that have followed the publication of Misère de la poèsie above all, Paillasse!. As always, I continue to believe in the sincerity of your revolutionary stance, but this does not prevent me when I look at the ‘circumstances’ that led to your accusation of Aragon in L’Humanité and the ‘strict and literal’ sense of that accusation, from distancing myself from the surrealist position that seeks to spoil Aragon’s revolutionary activity in an ‘affair’ that is far from over. Yours, in friendship, Buñuel

Jo Evans & Breixo Viejo, Luis Buñuel: A Life in Letters

[pokefanbri]

A complete and total breakdown of my whole name & meanings.

Now before you read, keep in mind that God above gave us our name when creating us. The beauty and significance... I just love it so much. My initials are even next to my twin flame's initials in the alphabet, so I know it's meant to be. I wouldn't change my name for the world. The personality explains so much it's so accurate 😂 would be really cool if I actually was a descendant of a Templar. Our ancestors probably knew eachother in the Crusades if both from nobility 🤯 I think my ancestors would make an actual effort to keep the name if it was ancient. Would explain why I have the worst luck & timing in the world, my connections to 3, 7, 13, & my interest in swords... however disappointed that my family aren't God loving like me, although their choice. I was literally meant to come to God regardless, or as people at church call me Sister Bri, lol. I highly suggest looking up your own name to see if it represents u just as well. All my findings were via Google search engine

Name & meanings

[  ] Briana -

Irish Origin: meaning 

“high,” From the high hill,

“noble,” (belonging to a hereditary class with high social or political status; aristocratic. a person of noble rank or birth.)

“exalted.” (of a person or their rank or status. Placed at a high or powerful level; held in high regard.

Combination of the words brgh meaning "high or noble", & ine which translates to "brilliance" or "radiance". Irish name Brian, "strength" or "virtuous." This suggests that individuals with the name Briana possess an inherent inner strength that enables them to overcome challenges and persevere in the face of adversity. "Resolute, strong." Historians believe it first entered the scene in the 16th century with Edmund Spenser's poem "The Faerie Queen."

Welsh Brand: Raven

Norse Brand: Short form of Brenda, which is from the old  meaning "flaming sword" or "torch"

Celtic Origion:  Strong. She ascends.

Honorable and Noble Old Celtic-Gaelic word bright, meaning 'noble,' while 'high' comes from the ancient Celtic element 'bre,' meaning 'hill.��prestigious

Hebrew: Daughter of God' Glory of the Lord

Christian Girl Name

Personality of a Briana: hospitable, sentimental, often psychic, sometimes moody. You are ruled by love and the lack of it and feel a need to be encouraged and appreciated. You are intuitive and might be interested in the arts, drama or science. They are courageous and fearless, able to fight great battles on behalf of worthy causes. These personalities will not tolerate injustice. They are compassionate people with a strong sensitivity to others. They are able to both educate and inspire.

Powerful name that exudes confidence and grace.

represents a freedom-loving and free-spirited individual who has an unlimited thirst for change and adventure.

The spiritual meaning of the name Briana is closely associated with the qualities of strength, wisdom, and intuition. Briana embodies the essence of strength, representing a person who possesses inner resilience and the ability to overcome challenges. This name has given you a gregarious personality and a quick-thinking, creative, and versatile nature, but one that is unstable emotionally

[  ] Liegh -

"meadow" "pasture", "field", "clearing", "woodland", "glade", and "delicate" May also derive from the Irish surname Ó Laoidhigh, from laoidh, meaning "poem" or "song."

Gaelic : Poet

Celtic: Healer

English : Sheltered from the storm.

Chinese : Plum.

Irish : Poetic. The narrows; a place where cattle graze; a wood; a church.

Scottish : From a narrow strait; the name of a Scottish region.

Old English: One from the meadow farm.

From the Hebrew Le'ah, probably derived from the identical word le'ah, meaning "weary".

"Woodland" much like the forest that the Star of Hope flees into to escape the beast from devouring her unborn child "The anointed One" in The Book of Revelations

There are many indicators that the name Leigh may be of Jewish origin, emanating from the Jewish communities of Spain and Portugal.

Leah (/ˈliːə/) appears in the Hebrew Bible as one of the two wives of the Biblical patriarch Jacob. Leah was Jacob's first wife, and the older sister of his second (and favored) wife Rachel. She is the mother of Jacob's first son Reuben.

Greek Mythology: as a way to describe the "true love", "there is a divine LEIGH in every woman, and a true LEIGH is and only will be the kind of woman who can ever change the heart of a man, even a god."

The name Heavenleigh originates from the United States and possesses a deep-rooted significance as it symbolizes a celestial existence. It is a compound name, derived from the combination of the English words heaven and leigh. Heaven refers to the ethereal realm where many religious traditions believe the divine resides, while leigh is derived from the Old English word lea meaning meadow or clearing. Together, they create a name that epitomizes a connection to the divine realms and conveys a sense of ethereal beauty. From paradise, From the sky

[  ] Templin -

German: habitational name from a place so named in Brandenburg of Slavic origin. Similar surnames: Temple, Tessin, Koplin, Molin, Redlin, Pamplin, Templet, Lemelin

(English) Descendant of little Tim, a pet form of Timothy (honor God).

The Celtic origin of the name Templin was long ago developed in Wales. This surname comes from the names Tam, Thom, and Tom, which are pet forms of the personal name Thomas. The surname Templin features a double diminutive, formed from the suffixes -el and -in https://www.houseofnames.com/templin-family-crest

The last name Templin is of German origin, derived from the word 'tempel' which translates to 'temple', (like church). The name was likely given to a family who lived near or had a connection to a local temple. It can also refer more specifically to someone who lived close to the Shrine of the Three Kings, a Christian pilgrimage site in Cologne, Germany. It is likely that the family bearing the name had a close connection to this pilgrimage site.

The name Templin can be found in records dating back as far as the 15th century when it was first recorded in the region of Berlin. From this region, the name spread to other parts of Germany and beyond. Today, the last name Templin can also be found in many other countries, including Austria, Hungary, Poland, England, and the United States.

The Templin surname often carries connotations of faith, loyalty, and dedication due to its religious roots. The name can be seen as a sign of steadfastness from person to person and from one generation to the next. If you have the last name Templin, it is likely that your ancestors viewed faith in a divine power as the cornerstone of their lives.

Since its original Germanic origins, the last name Templin has spread throughout Europe and other parts of the world. In the United States, Templin is most common in Minnesota, Michigan, and Wisconsin. These states are home to many people of German ancestry with last names like Templin. Minnesota specifically, has one of the highest concentrations of German immigrants in the US.

In Germany itself, Templin is most popular in northern Germany, especially Berlin, Bavaria, and Brandenburg. In Austria, it is most common in Vienna. Austria, along with Germany, was one of the main countries to which people emigrated from.

It is a unique and uncommon surname, and its popularity is a testament to the hard work and determination of the people who bear it. People who hold the last name Templin are likely proud to have this unique and interesting last name, with such a noteworthy history in Europe and around the world.

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.igenea.com/en/surnames/t/templin

Last Name Templin

The surname "Templin" is of German origin. It is derived from the town of Templin in the Uckermark region of Brandenburg, Germany. The town, in turn, got its name from the Knights Templar, a medieval Christian military order. The Templar presence in the area influenced the name's adoption by families who lived in or near Templin. Over time, these families became identified by the name Templin, and it eventually became a hereditary surname.

The surname Templin originates from Germany and is derived from the word "Templer," which translates to "Templar" in English. The Templars were a medieval Christian military order known as the Poor Fellow-Soldiers of Christ and of the Temple of Solomon. They played a significant role during the Crusades and became renowned for their financial and military expertise. The first bankers and Mercenaries) is believed that some members of the Templar order settled in Germany after the dissolution of the organization in the early 14th century. Over time, individuals with the surname Templin may have been descendants of these former Templar knights. The name could have also developed as a toponymic surname, originating from the German town of Templin, located in Brandenburg. Today, individuals carrying the Templin surname can be found in various parts of the world, primarily in Germany and the United States.

https://en.nomorigine.com/origin-of-surname/templin/

Complete Astrolgical Sign Breakdown

Sagittarius Sun Sign

Libra Moon Sign

[eldritch-queern-magicat]

When I was very young, all I wanted was to perform music on a stage. I shied away from that dream after a few years past foster hell. I felt all over again how they had made a blatant mockery of me, with what I was struggling with. They only saw a wild child, and did their best to crush me. Afterwards, Nanny absolutely made it worse, even though she claimed to love me (I'm honestly still unpacking this mess).

When my parents helped me realize what being a famous musician would mean besides the art form, I was afraid. Terrified of the potential scrutiny that would come from it. So I ended up just putting that dream away. Writing stories would become my primary outlet after that, because something had to take its place. Later, I'd also develop my skills at drawing. I'm an artist, it's in my genes. I wouldn't stop singing and otherwise making music as I could, of course. It just wasn't anything other than keeping myself grounded at some level, reminding me that other people do feel the same kinds of things as me.

The whole thing is, that original dream still hung on like an aloe plant for decades. I might try to ignore it, but it would never really die. It survived on the dregs of my other art. And I've been realizing this week just how easy it could actually be, for me, to make my poetry into song.

There's a video on Instagram of me reciting one of my poems written last month. I have this cadence, apparently, that people really like. But I have it very much because of music. Dad is also an entertainer by nature, with theatre and the carnivals as a young man, and even now is still entertaining almost anyone he has a conversation with. The rest is from various YouTubers I follow, some who read stories for their channels, and quite a number of science/history/plus communicators and educators.

Yes, I've been thinking of reading more of my poetry and posting on Instagram and such. But the thing with the video I did share, is that I was so focused on my poem and setting the desired tone of the event I was at, I didn't think about anyone recording it at all. I guess I should have realized it was bound to be recorded. But it was me not even thinking about being recorded that helped me speak without getting too nervous as well as I did. So the idea that I know I'm being recorded, because I chose it in the first place, is a lot more nerve-wracking.

It's not that I'm afraid I can't do it, since speaking to any kind of audience is getting a little easier each day. It's the trauma and baggage I've been carrying my entire life. It's that whole thinking it's better to stick to the shadows and background. But the truth is, I've always been very visible in life. And frankly, it was often against my will to begin with. So choosing to embrace that visibility is a lot scarier than just having it thrust onto me by someone else.

The most frustrating part about this is the fact that doing it is inevitable. I just struggle with the video format because it seems to mean showing my messy-looking face. I've been subjected to so much judgement over how the nerves literally don't even all work right to begin with. How I had no impulse control, when the truth was I just never had the time to develop it. It's kind of why I abandoned my tiktok account years ago, along with some general platform type concerns (and it's not even the political crap).

Yes, I've thought of going back and doing stuff. But my physical appearance makes me nervous about it, since people are still so judgemental. This may also be inevitable, though. I'm in the middle of reclaiming myself, and the decision to embrace my physical visibility has already been carved in stone.

Being entirely honest, I don't quite know where this will end up leading me. I'm walking into the wide unknown with only my lantern to guide me through the shadows. And even though it seems like I have no path to even follow, or even a clear destination, every step farther lands on solid ground. My path unfolds with each step I take, even if I'm only stepping onto thin air.

A snowball's chance in Hell is all I need.

-Sterling 🎉😺