#this is kind of sick actually im proud of myself for this one

[ustwoforsaken]

MAGPIE // BEN NOEL ... he/him aroace nineteen

BORN ... september 16th, on earth (casus)

ABILITIES ... none/human/non-augmented

MORE INFO

Ben lives in the city of Helcin, a city with a dystopian government built ontop of the remains of New York City, after an alien invasion nearly wiped out all of humanity. On the outskirts of Helcin lies the Wastelands, an irradiated area populated by stragglers (aliens that survived Earth's retaliation.)

The world was abandoned by its heroes years before the invasion, and suffered the invasion greatly without them. Forty years later, after Helcin rebuilt itself, Ben's father, a locally beloved engineer was assassinated by Helcin's government. in a world without justice, Ben must make his own.

Ben became the vigilante Magpie, a snarky, precocious teenager with a chip on his shoulder and a stark distaste for authority. He is beloved by the impoverished civilians of Helcin and hated by Helcin's very own police force. He despises law enforcement and has no patience for what the press thinks of him, but Penelope 'Pepper' Holiday, the daughter of Mayor Charleston Holiday and esteemed journalist Carol Holiday, is not so willing to give up on him.

EXTRAS gallery magpie doodle one , magpie moodboard

[n3onwraith]

Weird hours actually

[woozisguitar]

SEVENTEEN members as songs from ttpd (from the first drop)

s.coups- i can do it with a broken heart

starting off slightly sad but he’s a real tough kid and he can definitely handle anything.

i think I saw an edit of him somewhere to this and cried

i’m seriously so proud of him always

taylor did write this for all the eldest daughters/ siblings

just super coups coded

jeonghan- fortnight ft. post malone

“your wife waters flowers i want to kill her” peak jeonghan vibes. he would commit a crime for funsies <3

also “i love you, it’s ruining my life” because man did he def ruin my life

tell me one jeonghan fan who’s mentally stable, we’re all a little crazy (myself included)

insanity and everything packed in one fr

joshua- fresh out the slammer

HE IS THE PRETTIEST BABY EVER OKAY

i too would go to jail for him

i’d also never lose my baby again

honestly him and jeonghan are both interchangeable, they’re both pretty and insane

OH! and i’d also disappear for a glimpse of his smile like fr fr my joshy :((((

jun- the tortured poets department

who’s gonna know him and love him if not me??

we’re also modern idiots and slightly crazy

OH! also the bridge is so junnie coded like honestly anything he does makes me feel like my heart will explode so

junnie is everything in this song minus the tats and drugs he's my precious boy <3

hoshi- but daddy i love him

the way i’d actually scream this song for him

also the vibes are so hoshi like im 90% sure he’d vibe with this song so hard

especially when she says "im having his baby no im not" he's ijboling right then and there

idk man it’s just so hoshi and i would definitely fight my dad for him

wonwoo- loml

he is actually so loml coded

like soft, played in a piano kind vibes

especially nana tour wonu

just very soft

he’s the love of my life and loss of my life as well because there’s actually no man that’s ever gonna be like him, ruined men for me

woozi- down bad

are we like actually surprised tho? that's my fav song and he is my fav boy

this man is literally so down bad coded

i’ve been singing and thinking of him like fuck it if I can’t have him, but i will definitely die not like tis gonna make a difference

IM LIKE SO IN LOVE WITH HIM OH MY GOD

also crying at the gym = lee jihoon (in reference to that one t-shirt he wore during caratland 2023)

minghao- so long, london

not the lyrical but mostly the vibes

this song is kinda calming to me in a way and it feels so hao like

also it reminds me hai cheng in a way maybe because of all the ship metaphors

i also feel like he’s appreciated the sadness in this song

he has that certain same whimsy as this song

mingyu- guilty as sin?

GUILTY AS SIN IS HIS SONG OKAY?!?!?

I WILL CHOOSE HIM AND ME RELIGIOUSLY ANYDAY

physically feeling sick how that bridge is literally so mingyu coded like holy fuck like gonna crucify me anyways? the way you hold me is actually what's holy??? its literally him

truly the best way to die is loving him

okay i’ll stop here before I die, he is just so <3

dokyeom- who’s afraid of little old me?

simply because he is such a nice person and such a lovely soul i worry people might take him for granted

the industry does not give him enough credit for him vocals like they should be scared of him he can eat up any vocalist in seconds

like they should be afraid of him that he's so goofy and silly

also the musical vibes here truly a kyeomie song

seungkwan- the alchemy

ALL THOSE SPORTS REFERENCE ARE FOR HIM!!!

my babiest boy ever

“where’s the trophy? he just comes running over to me” I CANNOT PUT ENOUGH EMPHASIS HOW SEUNGKWAN THIS IS

my heart will truly always be reserved for him

also he did make the strongest comeback fr

vernon- florida!!!

honestly, vernon’s favourite song here would be florida like fr

it’s just so vernon

he’d like eat up the featured and the beat right when she screams florida!!!!

13/10 would plan a trip to florida and brag how he's been to two places wtny and florida

the vibes are just so vernon fr idk what else to say

dino- clara bow

future of kpop, need I say more?

he’s like all the past legends but more better?

kinda like how she talks about it in the song, with the next being slightly better than the previous and yk what they've been through and stuff

and how dino is also called the future of kpop because he's so amazing

“the future’s bright, dazzling” so real like that’s literally about the future of kpop

anyways that's my take <33 I might do a part 2 with the second drop songs (no promises!!)

you can also find this thread on my twt here.

[whoslaurapalmer]

hi. I can't sleep so here's a cute lil super vague picture of my mom, and me, from when I was born 💖

this was taken september 28th, the year i was born, when I was finally able to come home from the hospital, because I was born a whole two months premature. I'm so tiny!! and my mom's smile is so big!!!!!

when I look at pictures of her I can really see. how badly she'd been doing the past few months. I knew she wasn't doing well, but when you see somebody every day, sometimes you still don't always see-see it, you know? anyway this is how I want to remember her. not sick. but cute and precious and with her big smile, and with me. (even if this week I still told her she looked cute. cause she's my mom, of course she's always cute.)

she did pass away today. everybody who's been to the house has been so, so kind to me. the hospice nurse, even, was so surprised that everything happened so quickly. she thought there would be just a little more time. she gave me like three hugs, and when I told her, "I know this is part of your job, but you give great hugs." she dropped her bags and went "OH, you haven't SEEN the kind of hugs I can give." and hugged me AGAIN and said "you think I give out hugs to just anyone?? come on." which, damn. that was a squeeze. and the funeral arrangement guy who was here yesterday came back today, of course, and even he was in tears about my mom. best friend came over and we talked for hours, about my mom, about the usual everything we talk about. I got into contact with one of my high school friends just the other day, and we talked about how much my mom meant to him when we were teenagers. and I'm really happy there are people who got to meet my mom and understand how special she was and got to feel loved by her.

there's lots of people who are gonna help me with the house, and with me, and where I go now. so im trying not to be, uh, too horrified about that. our neighbors, my aunt, we actually JUST ran into someone who used to help my brother when he worked, who's now on a committee for senior and special needs housing -- she's engaged to the guy fixing my grandmother's septic tank??? what are the odds????? so. I keep telling myself that's gonna be okay. I made my brother pasta for dinner, and we ate it with our aunt, and we watched mythbusters. things are gonna be weird and not always. easy. but I'm gonna be okay. because my mom told me she knew I could do anything, so. I can be okay. And I don't always have to be, either. But I can be okay.

ive kept it together like. really well today. bc there's lots of things I have to help my aunt take care of. and while I had already been thinking a lot about like. my mom not being here. and rearranging my brain around that idea. i know it's still gotta really sink in. that she's not here. im gonna wake up tomorrow and she wont be here, waiting for me. she's not gonna be able to hold my hand when I'm upset or hug me or call me food nicknames or hang out with me. but we were really, really happy, the day after she came home from the hospital, when we talked about how much fun we've had doing things together. always together. and how we wouldn't change anything, and how we'd do it all over again. so i felt like we'd said everything we needed to to each other. I know she was so proud of me, always. and that she thought my silly bill crafts were the coolest things ever. and that I could never make her upset. and she could never make me upset either. she was so silly and so loving and so fun, and wanted more than anything to be a mom, and to be loving and caring, and she was so good at it. and I'm so happy she was my mom.

[kcalsforhim]

monday 25 november 2024 - 𐙚 ˚🍰 ⋆｡˚⊹❀˖°

୧ ‧₊˚ 🍮 ⋅ ˚⊹

୧ ‧₊˚ 🍮 ⋅ ˚⊹

cals : ~900

୧ ‧₊˚ 🍮 ⋅ ˚⊹

dinner : pokebowl with salad mix, cucumbers, carrots, edamame beans, avocado, chicken, spicy mayo dressing, nori seaweed seeds and sesame seeds.

dessert : teramisu cake but made out of biscoff lotus cookies... teehee

midnight overeating session / binge : 2 smoked salmon slices, a small serving of mashed potatos, half a cucumber, an apple, like 10 jelly straws, 3 pieces of candy...

୧ ‧₊˚ 🍮 ⋅ ˚⊹

aha guys remember when i said i would go into binge recovery ? haha i failed. anyway i didnt fail nearly as bad this time, and i did cut myself once for every thing i overate... i just dont undersrand why i keep doing this lol but oh well. i talked with eli about it on a deeper level and i really began to think about it ;; im infact still thinking about it... but generally ive come to the conclusion that i need to stop centralising food so much in my life since its all i can think of.. i also want to go back to omad, and generally only not omad when i feel SICKLY and just go from there. i generally always feel like if im omad'ing i restrict better, the only cases not being when i feel siiiick to my stomach.. but then again... every time i felt sick from restricting so much... it kind of felt amazing too.. im also thinking of feeding my friend, specifically the one close to me since haku has been dieting for a long time and i dont want to overfeed him. generally i think it would be a good idea since i can dispose of food and still keep him happy... i just... really should focus on getting rid of all food that is appealing out of my life as well as just seeing it as fuel... i want to stop indulging so much... thats easier said than done... ive done alot of reflecting and honestly so far in november there has not been a single day where i felt proud of how i did, in comparison to october where i felt like i did great 90% of the days... omad is definently a good starting point, learning to say no more often... in general, food does not run away from me if i dont eat it, even in my own house. i struggle more with sweets than i do with salty stuff, im so afraid of it running away... but i need to stop being afraid... food is not my friend.. i shouldnt like it or indulge in it so much, it damages my progress and the guilt i feel after lasts for days if not weeks now... i really wish i could take controll of myself again.. but. i will. not give up, thats the last thing i want to do. in the grand scheme of things, one month of wasted time is not the end of it, i can pick myself up and i can always fix things and get back on track, i just have to keep trying and pushing... even if its hard or im having my moments where it feels like restricting is literally impossible, i have to keep trying... over... and over... and over... and over... and over... so ive kind of concluded on a few things i want to do moving forward

i want to generally try to restrict as much as i can, this is hard for me, because i actually very much enjoy food, but food is not my friend. i will try to omad as much as i can or just skip meals as much as i can.

avoid fast food places as much as possible from now on, if not all together, fast food places are packed with calories... making at home versions are ok... but i actually felt terrible the last few times and it never felt satisfying ?

stop drinking so many liquid calories...

FOCUS ON PORTION SIZES, i cannot stress this enough, dont try to fit every single last cal into what you can eat... focus on plating a satisfying amount except for plating how much you can eat (with an exception to vegetables).

today i also went out with my friend.. that was fun.. he got me some stuff which is always nice

some body checks i took.. im not very proud of what i look like, i feel like i could look so much better if only i actually tried my best...

୧ ‧₊˚ 🍮 ⋅ ˚⊹

here is some BEAUTIFULL photo's i found online... this is waaay rather what id look like... and i should work harder from now on to get to that point...

୧ ‧₊˚ 🍮 ⋅ ˚⊹

this song is nice and... kind of eery..

୧ ‧₊˚ 🍮 ⋅ ˚⊹

[sadstrever]

not being able to recover is just living in a hell you’ve designed for yourself. a hell disguised within the kind of beauty and freedom that cannot be found in heaven. i’m restless, it’s 4am and i’m still drunk. i don’t know if anything i’m saying makes sense or if i just sound like another crybaby fatass.

i just saw a post that was like: “would you make this dog fast one more day” and “is this puppy fat” with pictures of emaciated dogs. i know it’s so dumb but it really made me have a whole breakdown. maybe i’m just drunk. i just fucking hate what i do to myself. i’m not an animal, obviously, im a disgusting human being who can’t handle eating more than once every blue fucking moon. it just feels like no one on here ever talks about how hard it gets man, except for me all the fucking time. it gets so hard. my stomach hurts so bad that i can’t sleep. i just got up to pee for the 40th fucking time tonight and each time makes me stumble around my room feeling like im going to collapse. IM NOT EVEN UNDERWEIGHT YET JESUS FUCKING CHRIST. and the funny this is that i don’t even want to stop. that’s the insane part. i feel like i’m d!y!ng like every single day, every single day for fucking years man. but every day i wake up and decide to st@eve another fucking day. how do you guys not absolutely despise the life you’re living? i genuinely might just be delusional i feel like. people seem to be proud of themselves. i am, deep down, but also disgusted, and i’m not going around showing it to ppl i know. i have some friends with self proclaimed “ed’s” and they always repost that dumbass kate moss shit(which i secretly save because i’m sick lol, BUT DONT REPOST!!!) and the stupid ass fucking shit they say to ME, ME, OF ALL FUCKING PEOPLE, ME. they’ll tell me they fast until after school some days acting as if that’s some sort of mr.beast impossible challenge. GOD. that’s like 5 fucking hours bitch. it’s like, everyone is so oblivious to what an ed is actually like, LIKE FUCK. are you genuinely dumb or just trying to avoid reality???? i’m a hypocrite i guess to some extent with the avoiding reality part, but at least i’m AWARE of it. i’m not so delusional that i tell people who are clearly struggling that i “also have an ed.” people love to label their fucking diet as an ed when they find out about me. they think it makes them more relatable but all it does is make me hate them and myself a little more. i hate what people have become. i hate who i am.

[meet-at-tycho]

sorryyy its late and i am filled with joy and whimsy. i love them so much, my sibling always gets annoyed with me cuz theyre all i talk about.. can you blame me? to have that vast boring nothingness shift into excitement and happiness and real true love? if you were me, youd talk about it too

its so funny cuz my life seems to move in cycles, familiar patterns that ive grown really sick of.. traumatizing and terrible, horrible bloody mess.... and then the most long drawn out boring slice of life youve ever witnessed. trauma! nothing! trauma! nothing! really tired of that.. i never thought that my nothing could be broken with joy, isnt that strange? for once, im not really hurting anymore. when i do hurt, i can handle it on my own and let go, and if its too much then i know im safe to express it

ive come such a long way, i dont tend to see myself positively, but.. its hard not to be proud. guys it turns out all you need to be happy is like. LOVE isnt that so corny isnt that so unbelievably predictable... APPARENTLY its true, i guess it feels different when yr actually experiencing it firsthand

im like on the verge of tears right now but. theres no sweeter joy than this, its so fucking BIZARRE. how did it happen this way? all the little bits and pieces that fell into place, delivered me angels and made me whole again.. cheesy, i know im being cheesy but i cant help it!! im sweet on them as often as i can be but theres still a lot of things i just.. dont have the strength to say directly. so i say them here, im sure only one of you will see this anyways. but i dont need either of you to see it, just speaking my feelings out into open air eases my mind a bit more

sometimes im like wow! theres no way this is healthy im . can i really experience true love? love that doesnt hurt? love thats REAL? as much as im tempted to deny it, im living it every day!!! i wake up and theyre both there to greet me, isnt that sweet? the first people i speak to when i wake up, the last people i say goodnight to when i go to sleep

i think i just need someone, i think im the kind of person that just.. ive been alone for a while, its OKAY its whatever, ive definitely grown used to it but. i thrive when im with them, its so? maybe all i need is someone else to keep me here.. ive got two!!!!!

maybe thats not clear enough

the way id get through that droning loneliness is escapism, nonstop daydreams and dissociation, i was barely here. only to eat and take care of my body a little bit, then its back to fantasy, because .. theres people who love me in my dreams! but.. im honestly finding it so hard to slip back into that habit now. its scary, because its whats kept me safe. hiding in fiction has kept me safe, kept me calm, happy.. but i cant shake it out of my head!!!! any time i try to fall back into those routines, the only thing i can think of is THEM.. like yeah this is great and all but.. i dont want to be trapped in my head anymore!!! theyre out there, i want to be out there..

if im honest? its terrifying. im forced to come to terms with ME as a person, who i am, something ive neglected to acknowledge for my entire life, but. im so completely wrapped up in my love for them that i hardly think about that!!!!! for once, it sorta almost feels like time is moving how it should be.. like every day that passes is different, every day that passes is SPECIAL. it hurts me to say this, but i think i love being alive? can you imagine that? how is it possible that two strangers could just.. fall into my life one day and before i even know it, im healing, im happy, im whole. MAKE ME SICKK its so foul. its almost pathetic!!! is that really all ive needed? this whole time, and i couldnt find ONE proper candidate throughout 20 years of life? its hard to really be upset about it, cuz.. ive got them now. thats all that matters

idk, i just. i think its really telling the kind of people they are, i know im only me, but.. for what its worth, theyve improved my life so drastically, i wouldve never thought id see myself happy like this. they do that for me, they do that and so much more. i love you 💞

[polysyndetonaddictsupportgroup]

you are an evil person. the way you’re focusing on how doomed by the narrative the fushiguro siblings are? the way you’re really highlighting how the siblings are so protective of each other & are so willing to sacrifice themselves for the other to live happily? THE WAY IT SHOULDVE BEEN SO OBVIOUS THEY THREATENED TSUMIKI?

oh i’m in tears. i’m mourning who i once was before this fic. i’ve never been so invested in a fic before. i would sell my soul for the lore to this story.

NAOYA. i feel like im overlooking things but was naoya like purposely copying some of gojo mannerisms (the hair ruffle, the clapping) as a big “fuck you” to megumi?

regardless of that, i’m just waiting for the day that gojo (& yuuta) fucking tortures the shit out of naoya for megumi. i’m also just waiting for megumi to wake up to just everyone being so protective of him even though he hasn’t met half of the people so invested in his life before.

(maki being so proud of megumi because of his “if im dying we all dying ” mentality? oh megumi & maki are going to be menaces when megumi finally heals. yuuta will never know peace again.)

Megumi: *finally wakes up* I—Who are you people?

The first years, already murderously defensive of him: your protection detail

they love him a normal amount

Tsumiki was really the only thing I could see them holding over his head. I won’t get into the details here, because we’ll get into them in the fic itself, but Tsumiki’s safety and happiness is very regularly the thing that locks Megumi into action. For Megumi’s start in this world, Tsumiki was what made him sacrifice himself.

At the end of the day, all each one wants is for the other to be safe. And the narrative makes that mutually exclusive. They really are uniquely doomed by the narratively, and that’s what makes their relationship so tragic.

See, I think storytelling is just such a flexible medium that each interaction with the story itself is different. The story I write may be slightly different from the one you read. You can absolutely read in that reason behind Naoya’s actions—it’s the kind of sick shit he would pull, and the narrative will never contradict it directly. I actually love that reading of it. It’s more than a little twisted and viscerally terrifying when you’re in megumi’s shoes.

I just won’t claim I was planning that personally when I wrote it, because I didn’t think of that myself when it was being written. I still love it and think it’s a great interpretation of his actions. I just didn’t come up with it myself.

I included that bit because I thought it would be kind of a perversion of the relationship Megumi should have had with Naoya in a way that was a little cruel and really underscored how terrified Megumi was in this moment.

Naoya should have been Megumi’s blood family. He should have been his uncle. And in a good world, they would have loved each other. Naoya would have never hurt him.

Wrapping an arm around your nephew, ruffling his hair—that can be a very healthy expression of familial affection. It’s something you do with someone you love. Someone you feel safe with. Naoya is mocking the role he should have had in his life. He’s too rough with him. He ruffles his hair like Gojo does, but it shoves Megumi’s entire head around, and he uses his grip on his neck to force him into a car. He’s using symbols of family love as a way to hurt megumi.

It’s a facsimile of affection meant to make megumi feel uncomfortable and unsafe. Because Megumi’s fucking terrified of Naoya. This was his worst abuser for a long time. And Megumi’s not someone who really likes physical touch.

Megumi isn’t safe enough to assert his own boundaries. He isn’t safe enough to pull away. He just had to sit there and take actions that are hurting him. It’s invasive and humiliating, and the forced intimacy of it probably hurt him worse than punching him in the face would have.

[spacedhead]

HOMESTUCK REREAD #17: END OF HOMESTUCK (act 6 act 6 act 6 and act 7)

this is it!!!!!! this is the end of homestuck!!!

the song setting the scene for all of these battles that are about to take place concurrently is called creata, and it has leitmotifs from MANY songs in homestuck, as do all of the songs in this 18 minute sequence! also check out this fortnite squad....

the second song is called oppa toby style... oh man this is gonna be sick.

GOD LOOK HOW STRONG SHE IS SHES BEATING UP FOUR OF THEM EFFORTLESSLY

roxy my son is fighting so hard actual goat of this section btw no cap you will see later

of course this part is.... not as important but still certainly something i suppose.. karkat and jake are giving it their all as the weakest members of the squad

here come the striders and terezi!!! they are about to mix the shit out of these jacks

side note but not really its kind of crazy how owned dirk gets in this fight he dies like three different times and is saved by dave terezi and jane a bunch . talk about an unlucky break

meanwhile jade is struggling with her dog friends/ enemies and caliborn is fighting his denizen yaldabaoth ( wrdgaf). also vriska is fighting hussie? (WRDGAFX2)

okay so caliborn beat his denizens ass. so called strongest denizen is weaker than caliborn who was beaten by john fucking egbert.

anyway the current song is eternity served cold but only the second half.. its very good. variation on johns theme for a bit, then into lord english theme.

ive always loved this shot

davepeta makes an undertale reference.... which i guess was topical at the time. my undertale phase is long gone though. so . cool reference anyway !

last song. heir of grief is starting. VERY good song. love this shit!!! pic of one of the squads... theyre getting roughed up

oh my god... the four original kids and the pictures of their houses from the beginning of the story really reminds me how far they have come... ive been reading this shit only for a few weeks but man it feels like it really has been such a long time since things were that simple.

cool ass shot of these guys

oh no!!! theyre getting fucked UP dude shes beating their ass... but who is that back there...?

to be honest. i am not sure what jade was trying to accomplish in this sequence. she seems to just be teleporting her and the dogs around.... like to get them to stop fighting maybe? idrk but either way they kinda just fight anyway. or at least PM does

i think this moment of dave chopping dirks head off is not really significant for dave as much as it is for dirk. he finally relinquished control for once!

anyway, PM FINALLY gets jacks ring off, and now he is no longer a threat. its been so long. wow . goat much?

roxy being the one to finish the condesce is deserved. great job. my goat. props to all of these crazy kids they fucking did it they won!!! holy shit good fuckin job!! but we arent quite done yet.

this is beautiful art that is the rest of the comic basically until act 7. i just love these panels so much. one of them has actually been my background for about a year and a half!

its this one . i really love this one it shows so many of my children look at them all god im so proud of them they did it.... YES!!!! i knew this would happen but im still so happy for them.

look!!! the mayor and pm reunited once again. its been since before cascade since they saw each other last! and serenity too!!

this one is a real standout as well... so good i love all of them. am i repeating myself? surely not.

:))))

it is time for act 7. the finale of homestuck, essentially. it has been a long and winding road.... only a little left to go :)

LOOK AT JOGN EGBERT I WANT HIM TOBE HAPYP FOR ALL ETERNAL

a lot of this animation shows the new universe being formed, like the tadpole turning into the frog and stuff. it is very cool, and visually stunning to be honest, but i like to focus more on the characters with my limited images per post. but trust me, act 7 is very beautiful the whole way through :D

LOOK AT MY CHILDREN IN STUNNING HD QUALITY

THE LOT OF THEM. I SIRED THEM ALL? INCREDIBLE

do you see how fucking beautiful these kids are and how much they mean to me. i would do anything for them

holy shit vriska is serving like crazy here. i mean they all are but... okayyy vriska

look at these two. leaders of their sessions. coming together. finishing. it all makes me tear up a little i wont lie. also this music called overture is fucking beautiful.

oh man okay yeah. i am really misty eyed here. this never happened before?? god i fucking love this story

IM GONNA START CRYING DUDE FUCK

well here it is. first view of the idyllic earth c. they did it. they won . they created their universe and they got to live in it

heres one last squad shot of them all being goated and fucking awesome maybe? ever think of that

it started with him and ended with him. my son john egbert i love you so much

okay. its actually over. it feels weird to say but i have indeed completed homestuck yet again. this time was maybe my favorite reading of it other than probably the first time. maybe it was cause of the blogging it? i did genuinely love blogging my thoughts about it. even if no one is paying too much attention, its cool to get it out there :D

overall thoughts? the first part is a little slow to get going, but once it does get going, it's so fun and just a blast to read. things are incredible up until right after cascade where it slows down a lot. which i get. introducing a ton of new characters and essentially a new main villain into the plot can be a lot. i would say that the first half of act 6 is like... a definite decrease in quality? but it starts picking up again when they actually arrive in the new session. and me personally, ive always loved the ending. i know some people were like oh they just win and their plan goes smoothly. like, yeah i get that, but also things did NOT go smoothly when game over happened, and that was definitely the everything goes wrong moment. everything after that is cool and fun and very entertaining to read. i just love this story guys i love it so much there is a reason why it is my favorite piece of fiction and why i constantly come back to it . it is just so good i love the characters i love the concepts the plot is sprawling and self referential and just plain cool . of course it has flaws, namely its villains are a little weak. sometimes i love villains who are just plain evil but sometimes in a story like this i may have preferred a villain who has a little more motive than just being evil and wanting to destroy and kill things... but its alright. the heroes were the main focus anyway, so its not like it ruins the story or anything. i think homestuck goes from an ironic shit post story that makes you feel like an ass for reading it to a heartfelt tale of empathy and self improvement and self actualization. its characters go from asshole kids to pretty good adults. and you can see the writing grow up too. its honestly great and if you know me you probably already know lots of bits and pieces about it and/or i made you read it. but if you dont you should give it a shot. it has NOT aged well i will say but if you can manage to ignore the usage of slurs and probably other bad things i can honestly say it ends as a story about growth and acceptance of the self and others. that is all.......

thanks for reading this to all my friends i had tons of fun

p.s

im reading the epilogues. FUCK

[endious]

This HAS to be said…

THANK YOU for being one of the few people who portray Jeff correctly!!! I understand why people romanticise him, but I feel it’s kind of boring?? He’s so much more interesting as a fucked up, sadistic asshole with legitimate mental issues.

Your fics are soo good! I hope, if you still have the motivation to write, that you can continue in the future :)

Could I ask what your general headcanons for Jeff are? Feel free to sprinkle some NSFW ones in too ;)

SPEAK LOUDER !!!!!!! honestly though tysm that means a lot to me ! i am glad you like how i portray jeff and i agree with you that it does get boring seeing the romanticization copy and pasted on jeff. he’s so fucked up i wish more ppl saw him the way i do 😭😭 its so difficult to find writers who write him how i think he should be portrayed so i took it upon myself tbh /hj BUT TYSMMM !! jeff will always be extremely fucked up here and im going to keep him that way 🫶🫶

HCS FOR MY ONE AND ONLY ? OF COURSE ILL INDULGE US BOTH ! this isnt proofread at all and is SUPER SLOPPY I APOLOGIZE !! i kinda went with any that popped in my head when i read this so i hope its okay !

— i’ll be as honest as i can because it is HARD to describe the vision i have in my head (it’s changed many times but roughly stays the same somehow) SO I WILL TRY TO MAKE YOU SEE WHAT I SEE !!

— jeff is gross so gross. not even in the, ew you stink sense (he does, he constantly smells like blood and dirt it’s fucking nasty.) he’s sick in the head and is proud of it. would tell you how he gutted the last guy you so much as glanced in the direction of and how he writhed in pain and choked on his own spit and blood while jeff shoved his boot into the fucker’s gut for added agony. he says all this with a sick smile on his face but be sure to not make any type of look of disgust, anger or expression amongst those. he will blow up immediately and start threatening you if you so much as even hint at not agreeing with his choice of action

— he isn’t afraid of hurting you, he actually enjoys it. he’ll purposely set you up for failure so he can cut you up or bruise you just enough to leave a reminder to behave and listen next time. after all, had you just obeyed like a good little doll then he wouldn’t have had to dig his knife into the bare skin of your stomach just enough to leave a mark that would stay for a short while.

— to add onto that ^ if he’s kidnapped you then he’s even more physical with his punishments. he’ll beat you to make you understand to take his words seriously if you aren’t already. he’s slammed your head into a wall before because you didn’t answer him when he asked you a question and you’d never do that again. you’d do whatever it means to make sure he doesn’t go from leaving marks and bruises to leaving broken bones and open wounds, and he knows that you’re scared of that future and he fucking loves it.

— moving on from that situation for now. he’s surprisingly good with his words (this could either be good or bad) he knows what to say to keep you wrapped tight around his finger and he knows what to say to scare you into listening. “that, uh, new girl you’re talking to. she’s nice isn’t she?” and while he grins, you glance at him with uneasiness at his tone when he spoke.

— i think it’s evident enough he stalks the fuck out of you. whether you’re aware or not he’s always there. ever felt paranoid that someone was watching you? it’s him. but don’f expect to actually catch a glimpse of him, he’d only let you see him if he wanted you to. he’s got way too many photos of you for it to be considered normal (given your relationship with him, nothing is normal). and he’s jerked off to every single one of them. doesn’t matter if it’s suggestive, sexual or a completely innocent photo, he’s gotten off to every single one of them at least once and if he wanted to humiliate you, he’d tell you himself while you cry pretty tears and yell those silly and meaningless words you like to use at him.

— now some nsfw ones… get ready because i dont hold back on anything when it comes to jeff.

— he’s so fucking mean it should be illegal to let him speak. he mocks you, threatens you, manipulates you— whatever he can say to get reactions from you he will. “aw, doll. you look cute all marked up, what if i left my name right- here. what? scared it’ll hurt? can’t take a little bit of pain? oh, you don’t want it? i don’t think i ever asked what you wanted, slut. now hold still before i make ya really scream in pain.”

— he’s so physical with you i’d be surprised if he hasn’t nearly broken one of your arms or crushed your windpipe before. his grip is so tight and he’s so rough it’s like he’s unaware of his strength and how hard he’s being. but he’s completely aware and even makes fun of you when you claw at his arm and gasp pathetically for air he won’t allow you for a few more seconds. he wants to see how long it takes before the life in your eyes starts to flicker. and god the bruises you’ll have from him holding you down to firmly, even if you tried to get away you wouldn’t move an inch under his grasp but he likes with you try to get free so keep going until he gets bored and makes you do something else you might not like doing either.

— speaking of him liking your struggles, he’s put you in situations where you have to fight back. his knife to your throat while he orders you to struggle under him or him forcefully ripping your panties off to have his way with you. anything he does will typically have you attempting to fight back against his advances and it gets him hard and makes him want to hurt you even more the more you cry out and beg him to stop and get off you, your hands pushing against him in failed attempts to free yourself.

— KNIFE PLAY KNIFE PLAY KNIFE PLAY ! i already touched on it but ill say it again because i have this idea in my head ive yet to put into words in a draft. he fucks you with his knife from time to time, it took a few carefully chosen words to manipulate you into giving in and trying “something new” but had you known it was this? you wouldn’t have ever agreed. not that your verbal consent would’ve stopped him.

— he’s rough with holding your hips down, his arm over your lower stomach as he nudges the hilt of his knife against your folds. “ya scared, doll? nothin’ to be scared of, ‘m not putting the sharp end in your stupid cunt.” he could, but that wouldn’t be much fun would it? he pushes it just barely into your entrance and it’s difficult to adjust to, it’s such a stiff object it’s weird feeling it inside of you but he only pushes it deeper and then you feel the dips in the hilt from the use it’s gone through from jeff and how hard he must’ve held it repeatedly and oh. this shouldn’t feel as good as it’s feeling right now.

— “look at you, getting it nice an’ wet f’me aren’t ya, princess? do you know how many i’ve killed with this knife? how many bodies i’ve stabbed it into repeatedly?” and you wish he’d stop saying it like it’s some achievement of his, in fact you wish he’d stop talking all together but his voice seems to only push you further to the edge maybe that’s the pleasure talking though and not your logical brain.

okay ill stop FOR NOW LMFAO this is kinda long and i’ve never dont hcs so idk how to properly do them 💀 this is extremely messy but if i dont post it now i probably wouldnt post it for another two weeks bcus i’d think too hard on it.

[dausy]

Well I've been daily updating twitter ofcourse. I kind of at the last moment decided I was going to do a daily doodle thing. I did this years ago, where I drew something every day for a year. I'm not doing a full illustration this time just really simple, essentially a couple lines and thats it. Just to help the creative juices flowing. I probably wont stick it out for an entire year but I keep getting myself backed up into an artistic corner and I want to back back out of it and find a new corner. Instead while I've been doing that, I've also been using it as an excuse to update the status of my current ailment.

so essentially, I had already self-diagnosed myself with the flu but I did go ahead and made an urgent care appointment on Saturday (?). I will say that I normally get a flu shot, every year, I did not get one this year. Next year I will definitely be getting one. I definitely got this from my coworkers and theres was like 3x milder than mine. My immune system was not prepared.

I did not want to physically go to urgent care because I didn't feel safe driving. I was super short of breath and I felt very drunk (because its in my ears! my ears are messed up). Also, didn't want to sit in a waiting room when sitting up sounded like a lot of effort and besides, what is urgent care going to tell me that I dont already know? viruses are treated with rest and fluids and thats it. However, I assumed my boss was going to be on top of me for some sort of a work note even though I'm not a full time employee and I dont feel like I should need one but I had agreed to work on monday and if I called in she'd probably pitch a fit. I discovered, thanks to the local spouse groups, that there was a local mobile urgent care. They came to my house! I schedule an appointment and they came out about an hour later. The most convenient thing ever. They apparently didn't take my insurance so they charged me 179$ out of pocket but I wasn't going to complain. I didn't have to go anywhere. I could track the MA on gps and they sent me his photo so I didn't "have to be scared" lmao. It was all very nice.

I had already tested myself for covid and it was negative. I was tempted to start myself on prednisone (because I practically have an entire pharmacy at home) but HR was a good 115 and adding steroid to that sounded not fun. Normally my HR runs 60s if Im calm and 80s if Im stressed. 115 with steroids on board didn't sound like fun. My 02 was dropping to 93 when I was up and walking around but it would go back up to the high 90s. This poor MA came with a laptop that virutally connected to a PA and they were like "what do you want me to do for you?" like I guess I mainly just wanted to make sure that I was safe to be at home and I have evidence I saw some sort of healthcare person as proof.

I oddly enough didn't have much of a cough until about yesterday. I was feeling short of breath and when I did cough I'd cough gunk up but mainly it just hurt to cough but it wasn't frequent at all. Now I'm coughing alot. The worst part was the hot/cold flashes. I completely drenched the bed in sweat. I've never seen that much water come off of me. I literally touched the valley of my stomach and it was a puddle. I splished my hands in it. I would alternate between uncontrollable sweating to then freezing to death. I thought I'd be over it and I washed all my linens yesterday and then last night, just sweat everywhere. Which was annoying because I felt....nagged..?..guilttripped? to go into work today by my boss. Like I was faking it..I couldnt possibly be sick that long(my coworkers recovered in 2 days)..maybe I was crazy and I wasn't sick?

so I did! I WENT TO WORK TODAY. My coworkers were actually fine. They said they were actually surprised they handled things well without me. I'm simultaneously proud of them and really aggravated that I went in. Because I really did feel terrible. I realized real fast how weak I was and my brain was not functioning. I even gave myself the easiest roll I could where I was off in a corner away from people and I was struggling. I was struggling to walk and I was struggling to stand. My partner at work let me know how bad I looked too. I apparently looked like a frail old lady. Which was nice.

So I went home. My boss is like "wait where you going?". I guess in her defense she came equipped with a bunch of throat lozenges for me but I didn't have a sore throat. I have no energy and cant breath. So I'm going home. I dont work tomorrow btw.

[tameila]

Was kindly tagged by @belphegor1982 to participate in this 20 questions for writers trend! thanks for the tag! 💕 tags for anyone who sees this and wants to take a whack at it. tag me in your responses, if you do!

How many works do you have on AO3?

I have 10 works on ao3 with plenty of little one-shots posted here on tumblr and at least triple that many WIPs lmao

What's your total AO3 word count?

My current ao3 word count is 165,375 words. TSAR is responsible for, like, 70% of that word count.

What fandoms do you write for?

On ao3, I've only posted for Critical Role, and I do not foresee that changing, but who knows! Before Critical Role, I never really saw myself as a writer that posted on public forums, and it's not as if I haven't entertained and dabbled in other fandoms.

Overall, including collaborative writing/roleplaying, I have written for Warriors (yes, the cat books), Bleach, Naruto, Hetalia (im sorry you have to learn this about me), Glee, Dragon Age, and Digimon.

What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

The Sun Always Rises (550 kudos), multichaptered modern AU Pikelan

give my regards to soul and romance (186 kudos), one-shot based in @jabletown's rejoice AU, Pikelan with Dadlan and Pike & Kaylie bonding

le petit encore (145 kudos), my mediocre TSAR 'verse smut fic. every time it gets another kudos i am pushed closer and closer to continuing my smut WIPs because i swear!! i promise!! i can write better smut!...but i am rather proud of this piece because it was my first serious foray into the world of smut and i gotta recognize my own hustle lol

As Easy as Riding a Bicycle (113 kudos), modern AU/college-aged Pikelan, Pike's bike gets stolen and she turns to a dating app to try and find it and finds love instead. super love this piece. everyone should read it and give it more kudos so it can be my third most kudo'd piece teehee

TLC is a Two-Way Street (104 kudos), TSAR 'verse, Pikelan, Pike looks after Scanlan while he is sick

Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

Yes, yes, yes! Even as I free myself from the shackles of needing that validation and feeling discouraged if I don't reach some arbitrary number of engagement, I cannot deny that comments are inspiration and writing fuel. So, when I get a comment, I think it's the least that I can do to respond, even if it's just to say thanks.

I am definitely guilty of sitting on comments that make me particularly happy for weeks on end before actually remembering to respond tho

What's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

the things we know and the things we wish they knew, which was my first CR fanfic and written in response to ep 85 iykyk

What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

I mean, it's gotta be The Sun Always Rises

Do you get hate on fics?

No, thankfully not!

Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

As mentioned previously, I only really have one serious smut fic, though I have written a couple other bits and bobs....and maybe I have a couple WIPs that may or may not see the light of day. I'm not sure what kinds of smut there are...but I guess I would describe my approach to smut as 'I am a sex-repulsed asexual and idk what's really going on here but I'm here to express closeness and intimacy and love in this strange new world' lol

Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

If we're talking crossovers in the sense that characters from two separate fictional stories meet and interact, I have written in roleplays back in middle school like that but never explored the concept in fanfic.

If crossovers also includes taking the concept of one fictional media and inserting the characters of another into it (e.g., Hogwarts AU or HDM AU) then I've definitely written and have plans for various fanfics like that. I don't think that I have any that I would consider "crazy", but I do think my brief notes and writings for a OTGW-inspired Nygmobblepot/Riddlebird fic were v inspired.

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I know of and hopefully not! Very little gets posted in the Pikelan fandom that I don't see, so I like to think I'd be hard to pull a fast one on

Have you ever had a fic translated?

Not yet, but I would love to see The Sun Always Rises translated into other languages someday!

Have you ever co-written a fic before?

I've entertained a couple co-written fics that have unfortunately never gotten off the ground much, but I'm not closed off to the idea. I see it as being quite similar to roleplaying!

What's your all-time favorite ship?

Oof. As a lifetime shipper, that's a tough question. I never truly let go of a ship, even after I've moved on from a fandom, but there are definitely some that are far more enduring in my heart than others.

Of course, if we're going off of writing alone than it's Pikelan. Writing TSAR got me through some of the hardest years of my life and, despite what's become of them and what I'm forced to endure by continuing to engage in the fandom space, they're special to me in a way that a lot of other ships can never be, no matter how much I love 'em.

Also, in the case of writing, FenHawke. selfishly, of course, Fenris with my Hawke. I love writing for them, and I consider the pieces that I've written for them to be amongst my best. They're the Dragon Age ship for me.

What's the WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

.....[shamefully hangs head] A-Side and B-Side, the sequels to TSAR. I'm gonna keep writing them for as long as I am able but, if there ever comes a day that I post an update and get zero engagement, then I think I'll just have to move on. but! if even one person keeps coming along for the ride, then I'll stick to 'em. I just don't know if there's anyone who loves my writing enough to stick around for, like, another 5 years lol

The other big one is Vex's Delivery Service...which is exactly what it sounds like. A Kiki's Delivery Service inspired AU but it's about Vex. though truly, it's a thinly veiled excuse to write about domestic Pikelan is what it is. I have the whole thing planned out. I just can't ever seem to get it off the ground and, at this point, with the way I'm halfway out of the CR fandom, I don't think I ever will.

What are your writing strengths?

I have been extremely lucky to have been complimented on multiple facets of my writing over the years. However, I think what I pride in myself the most is my ability to let each scene breathe and take its time. It means that I take forever to write and nothing's ever short, but I don't think I would like writing quite as much if I wasn't allowed to let each moment have its breathing space.

What are your writing weaknesses?

It's a bit of an oddball pick maybe, but it's something that I feel like I have to own up to as a notorious modern AU writer:

People say that modern AUs are uninspired and boring, especially when you're taking characters out of a magical fictional world just to put them into our world and....the rumor's are true. I just don't get that into the lore of a fictional universe to ever feel comfortable writing in it. I do just find it easier to write everyone as humans in a modern-esque society. Now, I will stand by the fact that part of the fun of modern AUs is taking these magical characters and interpreting into a modern space (I often do the opposite with modern era characters into a fantasy world of my own design), but I just want to fully own up to the fact that...yes, I am too lazy to research the intricacies of canon in order to write a proper canon compliant/adjacent fic.

Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

I think it has it's place.

For me, if it's a language that the POV character understands/that the reader should understand alongside the POV character, then there's no reason to write it in that language. Simply include a dialogue tag to explain what language the character was speaking in. and I say this mostly from a logistical/ease of reading standpoint. Having to scroll down to the bottom of a fic or switch to a separate tab with the translations interrupts the flow of reading.

If, however, the language is included, untranslated, to reflect the POV character's own lack of knowledge of the language then that makes more sense. because you, as the reader, are meant to keep reading at the same level of understanding as the POV character and there's no pressure to be rushing for a translation just to make sure you're not missing an important line of dialogue.

but of course, as with most things, it's writer's choice!

First fandom you wrote for?

Warriors, probably...maybe Hamtaro. I definitely read fanfic for it and had my little daydream musings, but I don't think I wrote anything down.

Favorite fic you've ever written?

Oooh, we talkin' fic fic? That's long gone, and it's up in the air which of those many early fandoms that it was for.

If we're talking that's readily available on ao3, then my first was the things we know and the things we wish they knew. though, I was writing and posting Dragon Age one-shots on tumblr before that one.

Coming back because, for some reason, I misread this question as what was the first fic I'd ever written lol. Obviously, the answer to favorite is The Sun Always Rises.

[here2bbtstrash]

hi, m! as you know, you're one of my favorite, if not my absolute favorite, writers on tumblr. and i was wondering, where do you come up with the ideas for your fics? how do they come about?

although im kind of in a rut at the moment, i always read something on tumblr and start to daydream about a life in that world and then inspiration just kinda strikes? i always put myself in stories and let everything hit me. probs a lil masochistic since angst is my fav genre, but there's so many ways to do angst that it helps me explore creatively. you know?

much luv! from, millie.

ahhhhh hi millie 💜 this is so sweet of you omg thank you 🙇‍♀️ and it's kind of a complicated question bc there is no one answer, and i think every fic is a little different!

sometimes i start with a kink or something i want to explore in smut and build around it (deep end, sunday). sometimes something happens in my real life that makes me want to put together a fictionalized/embellished version (park and ride, moving day - no i will not be elaborating 👀). some ideas are sparked from songs (party on you) or other kinds of media like movies or tv (heartless). sometimes it's a thought exercise like what if jungkook was a fratboy? what if you hooked up with jimin in a club bathroom? what if you were sick and your fuckbuddy taehyung took care of you? lmao

my ideas come from everywhere (and i have way more than i will ever actually turn into finished fics 😵‍💫) - if there's a common denominator tho, it's probably music. making a little playlist and looping it and going off into my own imagination for a while is the best way i've found to take a seed of an idea and flesh it out into a whole proper fic. and it's one of my favorite parts of the writing process!!

the only other thing i'll say (i was just talking to @eoieopda about this actually) is that ultimately, the fics that i am most satisfied with in the long-term are the ones that i write for me. like the more grossly self-indulgent with something i am, the more proud of the end result i usually end up being 🤣 life is short, and nobody's paying us to do this anyway, so write whatever YOU want to see in the world!!!

thanks for sending this in and letting me babble 🥺 don't be too hard on yourself about your rut - we all fall into one from time to time (personally, i am currently in my flop era, so i get it 💅) but i promise the inspiration will come back if you give it some time and space to breathe! i hope this answer was in any way helpful! 💜

[secret-addict]

Hello! I am a 36 year old female who once was normal. I think my life started becoming fucked up when I was 11 and diagnosed with Colitis. I had to get surgeries to get my colon removed and a new one made and placed back in.

This was the beginning of feeling like I was “different”. I didn’t have friends, I never acted like a kid. I was constantly in pain and very very sick. I gained a lot of weight from the steroids they put me on which set me up to be the biggest target for bullies at school. At 11 I was taught I was ugly and fat and “no one would ever want me”. I was taught that my self worth was determined on my weight.

My parents don’t express feelings or ever “talk about things”, so I never did either. I felt pain and I kept it in. I kept all of my negative thoughts about myself in. “I rather be dead than live this life”. “I’m so disgusting I hate my body so much”. No one ever told me they were proud of me, no one ever told me I am beautiful, no one ever told me ���it’s ok to be bigger you are very sick and our main focus is to get healthy”.

Someone was there for me. That someone was food. Food was safe. I didn’t have to talk to food. Food always made me feel better. This is where I developed my first addiction: binge eating.

I would lie about not eating lunch, I would hide food and eat it in my room. And when I was caught I was told “you don’t need that”. Which made me feel super insecure and guilty. I started becoming very obese but I couldn’t stop. It was like I created this monster and it had grown roots into me and was going NO WHERE.

When I was done going through surgeries I was put on a diet. Me and my mom would go to weight watchers. We actually bonded on this because she had been over weight her whole adult life. She made me feel like my body wasn’t okay, like I needed to fix it then my entire life would be better.

This is where my life changed into this non-stop cycle of yo-yo dieting. I would lose the weight, but I couldn’t maintain it. I would get frustrated and give up and gain all the weight back plus more. Even when my weight was at my lowest I was still constantly being judged by mom on my appearance and still not being good enough for her. “You still have back fat” “I can see fat rolls on you you need a bigger shirt”

This wasn’t all my mother’s fault. My dad was never there for me. When I was at my sickest he “couldnt be around because he had to work”. Even now 25 years later he is still to this day “too busy with work”. He is on his own planet. And I’m just kind of “there”. As with my mom, no communication, no conversations, no telling me “I’m proud of you” or acting interested in all in my life.

I’ve been thinking about my parents a lot lately and our current relationship. It’s so painful to me. I talk about it to different therapist and they always suggest me making an effort. Asking them why we don’t talk or how I would prefer them to respond to me being upset. BUT WHY. WHY IS IT MY JOB? Im too bitter, im too angry and lastly THEY WOULDNT CARE. I have brought up the topics of how I feel and how I wish things were. My mom thinks I’m crazy and doesn’t understand why I think those things are true. My dad, just honestly doesn’t give a fuck.

Will share more later.

Signed,

A lonely sad girl

[dumbbitchfrommars]

im trying so hard, my very hardest, to be kind and sweet and lovely and nice. but im afraid itll never be truly possible - theres a hidden dark side to me, because im so harsh and cruel and hard on myself. it slips out in hidden ways. those comments that spark a sense of alarm in others. that sudden red flag that you dont react or respond to in the moment, just file away as a reminder to never truly trust me, love me, respect me, feel safe around me...

is it true? or is it an idea?

im afraid i cant trust anyone.

but if i trust myself, will that matter?

its jarring, when the tower of love you have for a person comes crashing down after one dirty act. the darkness... the darkness that im supposed to accept is inherently a part of us all. it scares me. it hurt me.

im heartbroken because i feel like this relationship was doomed to end from the beginning. and that was my own doing, because i have such a warped idea of relationships and love. because i have lingering feelings for people that dont matter. because im so afraid of repeating the same mistakes that im more willing to sabotage it all before i get a chance to try something different. because i cant let go of superficial things that ive gotten used to. because i cant set boundaries. because im being fucking stupid.

im definitely pmsing. lets just take these big emotions with a grain of salt.

what happened to being in a goofy mood?

im irritable.

i just want to be happy with him. i dont want to ruin it by travelling and being separated and one of us cheating on the other. i dont want this to end within a year. i want to be happy. i deserve happiness. ive waited a long time for someone to treat me how i deserve. will he treat me how i deserve? he will try, and thats all i can ask for. he actually makes me feel safe and comfortable to be authentically myself. he gives me the space to just be. to feel my confusing emotions.

but why do they both feel so manipulative? is this my own wound? my own lack of boundaries and knowing what it is i really want? because i keep finding myself fearing the powerful people i attract into my life for the same reason i fell in love with them in the first place - that they can tell me what to do, that they can help me figure out what i want. but at what point does that turn into them deciding what i want for me? thinking they know what i want? ugh.

im confused. im tired. im drained. im overwhelmed. im sad. im missing something that doesnt exist - a feeling - nostalgia - the feeling of love and being loved and being heartbroken and in love and completely miserable.

i hate to admit it, but this whole time i keep on thinking back to the time i was with my ex. it was so different. i was so much freer and happier. i was so different. it was a different time! i always thought i could find something or someone like that, to emulate that feeling again. but its just not possible. its weird. like no one else will ever understand but him, because no one else was there. and i wish i could talk about it or explain it but its impossible to understand.

i want to fall. i want to feel okay to just fall and let him catch me and lead the way. but im so scared, i feel like its gonna end, i feel like im gonna get hurt, im gonna regret being so vulnerable, im gonna find something out and wish id been smarter and seen through his bullshit. but he hasnt done anything. but thats the biggest red flag of them all. why are you so perfect? who are you, really? why am i still so afraid and uncomfortable? is it me?

yet, i still miss him. i still text him. i still want to see him tomorrow. i dont tell him to refund the festival tickets he got us. i smile when he tells me about his day and his games and his affirming words calling me princess and telling me hes proud of me. hes so stable. what if he gets sick of me? my constant bad moods? my dark feelings? you cant have the sun without shade.

darkness can only exist in the shadow of light.

[cheekycherry20]

My work life has gotten significantly worse. My boss told me a couple things I’ve been doing wrong. Like I’m too loud( volume control has never been something I’m good at), when I speak to parents I’m rude (I can admit my delivery is not the best) but the worst one is that I’m “punishing my kids”. My coworker thought I was threatening my kid but I would never have ill or abusive intentions with my children. I noticed recently with my drop in motivation and will to keep going that im sharp tongued and haven’t been as kind as I know I can be, but to think I’m capable of what she thought I was doing is a stab to the heart. I pride myself on being the opposite of what I saw and heard as a child.

When I heard the feedback I didn’t offer any rebuttals because who would believe me. I made sure to stay calm as possible and I left the room the same way. The moment I got alone, I cried. “How can they say such mean things about me”? This whole time my coworkers were smiling in my face, listening to me talk about my mental health knowing exactly why I’m not feeling myself. I picked apart the things I knew to be true, and I will work on it. I’m proud of myself for not blowing the situation out of proportion and causing a scene. But I mean it when I say “FUCK THEM”! They’re incredibly quick to tell me all my wrongs, but not what I’m doing right.

I’ve been thinking about how I’m going to present myself when I go back to work. I could continue to try to kiss up to the higher ups (who’ve never liked me and go out of their way to ignore me), but I don’t want to be liked by people I don’t even like. I could match their energy but I hate doing that. I don’t want to put anymore negativity out if I don’t need to, as well as it doesn’t feel like me.

All of this started because we’re all tired. My small support system (3 other coworkers who aren’t higher ups) have been fed up for months, but now everyone is catching up to how we feel. Kids come in sick ( EVERYONE got Covid because my boss accepta sick children), the boss is almost never in, parents stretch the truth, it’s all too much. Being at the clinic has made me understand why I love kids and my job, but I can’t do it because it’s almost like high school. I genuinely feel like I’m being picked on often, but I’m not allowed to speak on it. I have no motivation and I feel the happiness and will to live being sucked out of me every time I step in the building.

My job pays my rent so I’m forcing myself to tough it out. I don’t know if life is teaching me lessons or showing me something, but I threw in the towel a long time ago. I read somewhere that the universe doesnt allow good things to happen in spaces where you’re not supposed to be and I’m hoping thats it. My suicidal mindset has come back but in more of a mature way. I know I don’t actually want to die, my soul is just tired and lacking motivation to keep trying. I want someone to save me or give me a handout but that’s not happened and I’m ok with that.

I’m taking it day by day as best as I can. But what’s living like this. Under these conditions. I was not born to work all the time with no time to think for myself. I want to go out and have fun without worrying about pto. In the end everything will be fine but I want to feel ok NOW.