#this is kind of sick actually im proud of myself for this one

[ustwoforsaken]

MAGPIE // BEN NOEL ... he/him aroace nineteen

BORN ... september 16th, on earth (casus)

ABILITIES ... none/human/non-augmented

MORE INFO

Ben lives in the city of Helcin, a city with a dystopian government built ontop of the remains of New York City, after an alien invasion nearly wiped out all of humanity. On the outskirts of Helcin lies the Wastelands, an irradiated area populated by stragglers (aliens that survived Earth's retaliation.)

The world was abandoned by its heroes years before the invasion, and suffered the invasion greatly without them. Forty years later, after Helcin rebuilt itself, Ben's father, a locally beloved engineer was assassinated by Helcin's government. in a world without justice, Ben must make his own.

Ben became the vigilante Magpie, a snarky, precocious teenager with a chip on his shoulder and a stark distaste for authority. He is beloved by the impoverished civilians of Helcin and hated by Helcin's very own police force. He despises law enforcement and has no patience for what the press thinks of him, but Penelope 'Pepper' Holiday, the daughter of Mayor Charleston Holiday and esteemed journalist Carol Holiday, is not so willing to give up on him.

EXTRAS gallery magpie doodle one , magpie moodboard

[n3onwraith]

Weird hours actually

[woozisguitar]

SEVENTEEN members as songs from ttpd (from the first drop)

s.coups- i can do it with a broken heart

starting off slightly sad but he’s a real tough kid and he can definitely handle anything.

i think I saw an edit of him somewhere to this and cried

i’m seriously so proud of him always

taylor did write this for all the eldest daughters/ siblings

just super coups coded

jeonghan- fortnight ft. post malone

“your wife waters flowers i want to kill her” peak jeonghan vibes. he would commit a crime for funsies <3

also “i love you, it’s ruining my life” because man did he def ruin my life

tell me one jeonghan fan who’s mentally stable, we’re all a little crazy (myself included)

insanity and everything packed in one fr

joshua- fresh out the slammer

HE IS THE PRETTIEST BABY EVER OKAY

i too would go to jail for him

i’d also never lose my baby again

honestly him and jeonghan are both interchangeable, they’re both pretty and insane

OH! and i’d also disappear for a glimpse of his smile like fr fr my joshy :((((

jun- the tortured poets department

who’s gonna know him and love him if not me??

we’re also modern idiots and slightly crazy

OH! also the bridge is so junnie coded like honestly anything he does makes me feel like my heart will explode so

junnie is everything in this song minus the tats and drugs he's my precious boy <3

hoshi- but daddy i love him

the way i’d actually scream this song for him

also the vibes are so hoshi like im 90% sure he’d vibe with this song so hard

especially when she says "im having his baby no im not" he's ijboling right then and there

idk man it’s just so hoshi and i would definitely fight my dad for him

wonwoo- loml

he is actually so loml coded

like soft, played in a piano kind vibes

especially nana tour wonu

just very soft

he’s the love of my life and loss of my life as well because there’s actually no man that’s ever gonna be like him, ruined men for me

woozi- down bad

are we like actually surprised tho? that's my fav song and he is my fav boy

this man is literally so down bad coded

i’ve been singing and thinking of him like fuck it if I can’t have him, but i will definitely die not like tis gonna make a difference

IM LIKE SO IN LOVE WITH HIM OH MY GOD

also crying at the gym = lee jihoon (in reference to that one t-shirt he wore during caratland 2023)

minghao- so long, london

not the lyrical but mostly the vibes

this song is kinda calming to me in a way and it feels so hao like

also it reminds me hai cheng in a way maybe because of all the ship metaphors

i also feel like he’s appreciated the sadness in this song

he has that certain same whimsy as this song

mingyu- guilty as sin?

GUILTY AS SIN IS HIS SONG OKAY?!?!?

I WILL CHOOSE HIM AND ME RELIGIOUSLY ANYDAY

physically feeling sick how that bridge is literally so mingyu coded like holy fuck like gonna crucify me anyways? the way you hold me is actually what's holy??? its literally him

truly the best way to die is loving him

okay i’ll stop here before I die, he is just so <3

dokyeom- who’s afraid of little old me?

simply because he is such a nice person and such a lovely soul i worry people might take him for granted

the industry does not give him enough credit for him vocals like they should be scared of him he can eat up any vocalist in seconds

like they should be afraid of him that he's so goofy and silly

also the musical vibes here truly a kyeomie song

seungkwan- the alchemy

ALL THOSE SPORTS REFERENCE ARE FOR HIM!!!

my babiest boy ever

“where’s the trophy? he just comes running over to me” I CANNOT PUT ENOUGH EMPHASIS HOW SEUNGKWAN THIS IS

my heart will truly always be reserved for him

also he did make the strongest comeback fr

vernon- florida!!!

honestly, vernon’s favourite song here would be florida like fr

it’s just so vernon

he’d like eat up the featured and the beat right when she screams florida!!!!

13/10 would plan a trip to florida and brag how he's been to two places wtny and florida

the vibes are just so vernon fr idk what else to say

dino- clara bow

future of kpop, need I say more?

he’s like all the past legends but more better?

kinda like how she talks about it in the song, with the next being slightly better than the previous and yk what they've been through and stuff

and how dino is also called the future of kpop because he's so amazing

“the future’s bright, dazzling” so real like that’s literally about the future of kpop

anyways that's my take <33 I might do a part 2 with the second drop songs (no promises!!)

you can also find this thread on my twt here.

[frecklystars]

i still feel absolutely fucking nothing for my f/os and im so depressed and i wanna die and my birthday is friday and i hate my birthday and i just. rahh. i wanna self ship again. thats it!! i just wanna self ship again thats literally all i want to do!! but instead ive been in and out of the hospital every couple of weeks bc i'm having so many panic attacks that make me feel like im going to die

i am so fucked up from all the bullshit i was put through these last 2 years that i cannot fucking function, i am so paranoid all the time that anyone who interacts with me is out to get me because they [redacted reasons i cannot publicly state]. it doesnt matter if ive known someone for 1 day or 10 years, i dont trust anyone online anymore. i dont trust anyone who's nice to me because so many times it was people with malicious intentions. i dont fucking trust any TF blogs, ive been blocking any TF blog who interacts with me On Sight from all the shit that ppl from that fandom put me through.

there's 600 new inbox messages now and i havent opened any of them. people are sending me dms every single day and i havent opened any of them. i hate that my distrust towards irl people has bled into self shipping and now i am just Too Depressed to self ship. it is my anniversary w/ a character who's supposed to be such a comfort to me today and i feel Nothing. driver used to be Everything to me. driver used to make me feel so comfortable and safe. i feel so numb when i look at my f/os, there is just nothing there. it is my birthday soon and i should be so proud of myself for fighting through all the bullshit my abuser has thrown at me but i feel Nothing. self shipping used to help me at least cope with the depression. i just want to have my comfort characters again. thats it. i wouldnt care how many people are trying to kill me or stalk me or attack me if i just had my f/os to help me cope thru all of it

i genuinely think i'd feel better if i tried to be online and make edits and draw more and interact with the sweet people in my inbox. i used to feel so so so much better when people would send me nice asks, F/O reassurance, fics, fanart, etc etc but at the same time i will see a nice ask and immediately believe "oh. this is a trap. this person is going to pretend to be nice to me, try to get closer, but it's a trap" based off of MULTIPLE traumatic events my abuser put me through the last 2 years. this is such an unhealthy mindset to have, to not trust anyone kind to me, and i wish i knew how to turn it off. ive never been paranoid like this, ever, until a series of events happened this entire last 2 years and i just. i cannot fucking trust anyone on this stupid website, my god, someone sends me "hi keri! how is your day?" and my brain is like "oh hey look out, that person is pretending to be nice to you but they're actually trying to harm you!!" i will look at a group of online friends i've had for OVER a DECADE and that paranoid voice in the back of my head who worries from experience "oh cool this person is after me now. this person is out to betray me. this person wants to hurt me. it doesnt matter if we've been best friends since childhood, this person absolutely is out to get me now"

i hate everything i was put through these last 2 years and especially these last few months, one day im gonna spill my guts and tell everyone what has been happening to me bc its so goddamn unfair what ive been put through day after day, and i am sick of letting all of it fester in me without being able to tell anyone whats going on. i dont even know if its still ongoing rn bc every time i think "oh, maybe it's over" it just fires back up again. the stalking, the harassing, dude dont even get me started on the fucking stalking, do you know how fucking Not Normal these people are who have been trying to physically harm me irl and online? do you know how fucking psychotic someone has to be to spend YEARS of their life trying to make me miserable when i dont even know these ppl, im just fucking sitting here? the stupidest goddamn shit possible. i have never met these ppl in my life but they're following the orders of someone else and just. being fucking insane. if you knew what someone was putting me through, what a large group of toxic disgusting people have been putting me through these last 2 years, you wouldn't even fathom how dangerous it's been and how shitty it's been. ive had to call the police on a few of these people. you have no fucking clue what i've been going through and how exhausting it is to feel so unsafe every single second that you're alive. this shit eats at me constantly. i don't get any peace of mind. i think one day this really will kill me but at least i won't have to deal with it anymore if i'm dead. and!! i hate that i have that mindset! i hate that every time i drive to work, i hope beyond hope that a car is going to obliterate me. that isnt normal!! i should not be hoping to die!! but genuinely i dont think im ever going to be safe ever again and im so tired of dealing with this fear every single second every single day for years. years!!!! every second!!! every single second im awake i am fucking stressed out of my goddamn mind!!!!

months ago, i queued so much driver stuff for today, and i almost want to delete all of it bc its so. useless. dude i feel Nothing for my f/os. i feel unsafe with my f/os because i feel so unsafe with 99% of the people i interact with online because of all the horrible things ive been put through all this time. it's all pointless. i dont know if im ever really going to come back to blogging regularly. i just wake up, i go to work, i have panic attacks and i throw up, and then i go to sleep. sometimes i come here to vent and then refill my queue, but what is the point of refilling my queue anymore tbh. i keep trying to go through the motions to see if i can reclaim self shipping one day and then i can just bounce back, but god its been several months and ijust cant do it. i cant wait for this to kill me, ic ant wait for this to finally make me snap bc im so so sick of going through this every day. im tired

whatever ill delete this later and it wont even matter lol what else is new. keri makes another vent post about feeling depressed and unsafe. fork found in kitchen or whatever

[meet-at-tycho]

sorryyy its late and i am filled with joy and whimsy. i love them so much, my sibling always gets annoyed with me cuz theyre all i talk about.. can you blame me? to have that vast boring nothingness shift into excitement and happiness and real true love? if you were me, youd talk about it too

its so funny cuz my life seems to move in cycles, familiar patterns that ive grown really sick of.. traumatizing and terrible, horrible bloody mess.... and then the most long drawn out boring slice of life youve ever witnessed. trauma! nothing! trauma! nothing! really tired of that.. i never thought that my nothing could be broken with joy, isnt that strange? for once, im not really hurting anymore. when i do hurt, i can handle it on my own and let go, and if its too much then i know im safe to express it

ive come such a long way, i dont tend to see myself positively, but.. its hard not to be proud. guys it turns out all you need to be happy is like. LOVE isnt that so corny isnt that so unbelievably predictable... APPARENTLY its true, i guess it feels different when yr actually experiencing it firsthand

im like on the verge of tears right now but. theres no sweeter joy than this, its so fucking BIZARRE. how did it happen this way? all the little bits and pieces that fell into place, delivered me angels and made me whole again.. cheesy, i know im being cheesy but i cant help it!! im sweet on them as often as i can be but theres still a lot of things i just.. dont have the strength to say directly. so i say them here, im sure only one of you will see this anyways. but i dont need either of you to see it, just speaking my feelings out into open air eases my mind a bit more

sometimes im like wow! theres no way this is healthy im . can i really experience true love? love that doesnt hurt? love thats REAL? as much as im tempted to deny it, im living it every day!!! i wake up and theyre both there to greet me, isnt that sweet? the first people i speak to when i wake up, the last people i say goodnight to when i go to sleep

i think i just need someone, i think im the kind of person that just.. ive been alone for a while, its OKAY its whatever, ive definitely grown used to it but. i thrive when im with them, its so? maybe all i need is someone else to keep me here.. ive got two!!!!!

maybe thats not clear enough

the way id get through that droning loneliness is escapism, nonstop daydreams and dissociation, i was barely here. only to eat and take care of my body a little bit, then its back to fantasy, because .. theres people who love me in my dreams! but.. im honestly finding it so hard to slip back into that habit now. its scary, because its whats kept me safe. hiding in fiction has kept me safe, kept me calm, happy.. but i cant shake it out of my head!!!! any time i try to fall back into those routines, the only thing i can think of is THEM.. like yeah this is great and all but.. i dont want to be trapped in my head anymore!!! theyre out there, i want to be out there..

if im honest? its terrifying. im forced to come to terms with ME as a person, who i am, something ive neglected to acknowledge for my entire life, but. im so completely wrapped up in my love for them that i hardly think about that!!!!! for once, it sorta almost feels like time is moving how it should be.. like every day that passes is different, every day that passes is SPECIAL. it hurts me to say this, but i think i love being alive? can you imagine that? how is it possible that two strangers could just.. fall into my life one day and before i even know it, im healing, im happy, im whole. MAKE ME SICKK its so foul. its almost pathetic!!! is that really all ive needed? this whole time, and i couldnt find ONE proper candidate throughout 20 years of life? its hard to really be upset about it, cuz.. ive got them now. thats all that matters

idk, i just. i think its really telling the kind of people they are, i know im only me, but.. for what its worth, theyve improved my life so drastically, i wouldve never thought id see myself happy like this. they do that for me, they do that and so much more. i love you 💞

[polysyndetonaddictsupportgroup]

you are an evil person. the way you’re focusing on how doomed by the narrative the fushiguro siblings are? the way you’re really highlighting how the siblings are so protective of each other & are so willing to sacrifice themselves for the other to live happily? THE WAY IT SHOULDVE BEEN SO OBVIOUS THEY THREATENED TSUMIKI?

oh i’m in tears. i’m mourning who i once was before this fic. i’ve never been so invested in a fic before. i would sell my soul for the lore to this story.

NAOYA. i feel like im overlooking things but was naoya like purposely copying some of gojo mannerisms (the hair ruffle, the clapping) as a big “fuck you” to megumi?

regardless of that, i’m just waiting for the day that gojo (& yuuta) fucking tortures the shit out of naoya for megumi. i’m also just waiting for megumi to wake up to just everyone being so protective of him even though he hasn’t met half of the people so invested in his life before.

(maki being so proud of megumi because of his “if im dying we all dying ” mentality? oh megumi & maki are going to be menaces when megumi finally heals. yuuta will never know peace again.)

Megumi: *finally wakes up* I—Who are you people?

The first years, already murderously defensive of him: your protection detail

they love him a normal amount

Tsumiki was really the only thing I could see them holding over his head. I won’t get into the details here, because we’ll get into them in the fic itself, but Tsumiki’s safety and happiness is very regularly the thing that locks Megumi into action. For Megumi’s start in this world, Tsumiki was what made him sacrifice himself.

At the end of the day, all each one wants is for the other to be safe. And the narrative makes that mutually exclusive. They really are uniquely doomed by the narratively, and that’s what makes their relationship so tragic.

See, I think storytelling is just such a flexible medium that each interaction with the story itself is different. The story I write may be slightly different from the one you read. You can absolutely read in that reason behind Naoya’s actions—it’s the kind of sick shit he would pull, and the narrative will never contradict it directly. I actually love that reading of it. It’s more than a little twisted and viscerally terrifying when you’re in megumi’s shoes.

I just won’t claim I was planning that personally when I wrote it, because I didn’t think of that myself when it was being written. I still love it and think it’s a great interpretation of his actions. I just didn’t come up with it myself.

I included that bit because I thought it would be kind of a perversion of the relationship Megumi should have had with Naoya in a way that was a little cruel and really underscored how terrified Megumi was in this moment.

Naoya should have been Megumi’s blood family. He should have been his uncle. And in a good world, they would have loved each other. Naoya would have never hurt him.

Wrapping an arm around your nephew, ruffling his hair—that can be a very healthy expression of familial affection. It’s something you do with someone you love. Someone you feel safe with. Naoya is mocking the role he should have had in his life. He’s too rough with him. He ruffles his hair like Gojo does, but it shoves Megumi’s entire head around, and he uses his grip on his neck to force him into a car. He’s using symbols of family love as a way to hurt megumi.

It’s a facsimile of affection meant to make megumi feel uncomfortable and unsafe. Because Megumi’s fucking terrified of Naoya. This was his worst abuser for a long time. And Megumi’s not someone who really likes physical touch.

Megumi isn’t safe enough to assert his own boundaries. He isn’t safe enough to pull away. He just had to sit there and take actions that are hurting him. It’s invasive and humiliating, and the forced intimacy of it probably hurt him worse than punching him in the face would have.

[spacedhead]

HOMESTUCK REREAD #17: END OF HOMESTUCK (act 6 act 6 act 6 and act 7)

this is it!!!!!! this is the end of homestuck!!!

the song setting the scene for all of these battles that are about to take place concurrently is called creata, and it has leitmotifs from MANY songs in homestuck, as do all of the songs in this 18 minute sequence! also check out this fortnite squad....

the second song is called oppa toby style... oh man this is gonna be sick.

GOD LOOK HOW STRONG SHE IS SHES BEATING UP FOUR OF THEM EFFORTLESSLY

roxy my son is fighting so hard actual goat of this section btw no cap you will see later

of course this part is.... not as important but still certainly something i suppose.. karkat and jake are giving it their all as the weakest members of the squad

here come the striders and terezi!!! they are about to mix the shit out of these jacks

side note but not really its kind of crazy how owned dirk gets in this fight he dies like three different times and is saved by dave terezi and jane a bunch . talk about an unlucky break

meanwhile jade is struggling with her dog friends/ enemies and caliborn is fighting his denizen yaldabaoth ( wrdgaf). also vriska is fighting hussie? (WRDGAFX2)

okay so caliborn beat his denizens ass. so called strongest denizen is weaker than caliborn who was beaten by john fucking egbert.

anyway the current song is eternity served cold but only the second half.. its very good. variation on johns theme for a bit, then into lord english theme.

ive always loved this shot

davepeta makes an undertale reference.... which i guess was topical at the time. my undertale phase is long gone though. so . cool reference anyway !

last song. heir of grief is starting. VERY good song. love this shit!!! pic of one of the squads... theyre getting roughed up

oh my god... the four original kids and the pictures of their houses from the beginning of the story really reminds me how far they have come... ive been reading this shit only for a few weeks but man it feels like it really has been such a long time since things were that simple.

cool ass shot of these guys

oh no!!! theyre getting fucked UP dude shes beating their ass... but who is that back there...?

to be honest. i am not sure what jade was trying to accomplish in this sequence. she seems to just be teleporting her and the dogs around.... like to get them to stop fighting maybe? idrk but either way they kinda just fight anyway. or at least PM does

i think this moment of dave chopping dirks head off is not really significant for dave as much as it is for dirk. he finally relinquished control for once!

anyway, PM FINALLY gets jacks ring off, and now he is no longer a threat. its been so long. wow . goat much?

roxy being the one to finish the condesce is deserved. great job. my goat. props to all of these crazy kids they fucking did it they won!!! holy shit good fuckin job!! but we arent quite done yet.

this is beautiful art that is the rest of the comic basically until act 7. i just love these panels so much. one of them has actually been my background for about a year and a half!

its this one . i really love this one it shows so many of my children look at them all god im so proud of them they did it.... YES!!!! i knew this would happen but im still so happy for them.

look!!! the mayor and pm reunited once again. its been since before cascade since they saw each other last! and serenity too!!

this one is a real standout as well... so good i love all of them. am i repeating myself? surely not.

:))))

it is time for act 7. the finale of homestuck, essentially. it has been a long and winding road.... only a little left to go :)

LOOK AT JOGN EGBERT I WANT HIM TOBE HAPYP FOR ALL ETERNAL

a lot of this animation shows the new universe being formed, like the tadpole turning into the frog and stuff. it is very cool, and visually stunning to be honest, but i like to focus more on the characters with my limited images per post. but trust me, act 7 is very beautiful the whole way through :D

LOOK AT MY CHILDREN IN STUNNING HD QUALITY

THE LOT OF THEM. I SIRED THEM ALL? INCREDIBLE

do you see how fucking beautiful these kids are and how much they mean to me. i would do anything for them

holy shit vriska is serving like crazy here. i mean they all are but... okayyy vriska

look at these two. leaders of their sessions. coming together. finishing. it all makes me tear up a little i wont lie. also this music called overture is fucking beautiful.

oh man okay yeah. i am really misty eyed here. this never happened before?? god i fucking love this story

IM GONNA START CRYING DUDE FUCK

well here it is. first view of the idyllic earth c. they did it. they won . they created their universe and they got to live in it

heres one last squad shot of them all being goated and fucking awesome maybe? ever think of that

it started with him and ended with him. my son john egbert i love you so much

okay. its actually over. it feels weird to say but i have indeed completed homestuck yet again. this time was maybe my favorite reading of it other than probably the first time. maybe it was cause of the blogging it? i did genuinely love blogging my thoughts about it. even if no one is paying too much attention, its cool to get it out there :D

overall thoughts? the first part is a little slow to get going, but once it does get going, it's so fun and just a blast to read. things are incredible up until right after cascade where it slows down a lot. which i get. introducing a ton of new characters and essentially a new main villain into the plot can be a lot. i would say that the first half of act 6 is like... a definite decrease in quality? but it starts picking up again when they actually arrive in the new session. and me personally, ive always loved the ending. i know some people were like oh they just win and their plan goes smoothly. like, yeah i get that, but also things did NOT go smoothly when game over happened, and that was definitely the everything goes wrong moment. everything after that is cool and fun and very entertaining to read. i just love this story guys i love it so much there is a reason why it is my favorite piece of fiction and why i constantly come back to it . it is just so good i love the characters i love the concepts the plot is sprawling and self referential and just plain cool . of course it has flaws, namely its villains are a little weak. sometimes i love villains who are just plain evil but sometimes in a story like this i may have preferred a villain who has a little more motive than just being evil and wanting to destroy and kill things... but its alright. the heroes were the main focus anyway, so its not like it ruins the story or anything. i think homestuck goes from an ironic shit post story that makes you feel like an ass for reading it to a heartfelt tale of empathy and self improvement and self actualization. its characters go from asshole kids to pretty good adults. and you can see the writing grow up too. its honestly great and if you know me you probably already know lots of bits and pieces about it and/or i made you read it. but if you dont you should give it a shot. it has NOT aged well i will say but if you can manage to ignore the usage of slurs and probably other bad things i can honestly say it ends as a story about growth and acceptance of the self and others. that is all.......

thanks for reading this to all my friends i had tons of fun

p.s

im reading the epilogues. FUCK

[endious]

This HAS to be said…

THANK YOU for being one of the few people who portray Jeff correctly!!! I understand why people romanticise him, but I feel it’s kind of boring?? He’s so much more interesting as a fucked up, sadistic asshole with legitimate mental issues.

Your fics are soo good! I hope, if you still have the motivation to write, that you can continue in the future :)

Could I ask what your general headcanons for Jeff are? Feel free to sprinkle some NSFW ones in too ;)

SPEAK LOUDER !!!!!!! honestly though tysm that means a lot to me ! i am glad you like how i portray jeff and i agree with you that it does get boring seeing the romanticization copy and pasted on jeff. he’s so fucked up i wish more ppl saw him the way i do 😭😭 its so difficult to find writers who write him how i think he should be portrayed so i took it upon myself tbh /hj BUT TYSMMM !! jeff will always be extremely fucked up here and im going to keep him that way 🫶🫶

HCS FOR MY ONE AND ONLY ? OF COURSE ILL INDULGE US BOTH ! this isnt proofread at all and is SUPER SLOPPY I APOLOGIZE !! i kinda went with any that popped in my head when i read this so i hope its okay !

— i’ll be as honest as i can because it is HARD to describe the vision i have in my head (it’s changed many times but roughly stays the same somehow) SO I WILL TRY TO MAKE YOU SEE WHAT I SEE !!

— jeff is gross so gross. not even in the, ew you stink sense (he does, he constantly smells like blood and dirt it’s fucking nasty.) he’s sick in the head and is proud of it. would tell you how he gutted the last guy you so much as glanced in the direction of and how he writhed in pain and choked on his own spit and blood while jeff shoved his boot into the fucker’s gut for added agony. he says all this with a sick smile on his face but be sure to not make any type of look of disgust, anger or expression amongst those. he will blow up immediately and start threatening you if you so much as even hint at not agreeing with his choice of action

— he isn’t afraid of hurting you, he actually enjoys it. he’ll purposely set you up for failure so he can cut you up or bruise you just enough to leave a reminder to behave and listen next time. after all, had you just obeyed like a good little doll then he wouldn’t have had to dig his knife into the bare skin of your stomach just enough to leave a mark that would stay for a short while.

— to add onto that ^ if he’s kidnapped you then he’s even more physical with his punishments. he’ll beat you to make you understand to take his words seriously if you aren’t already. he’s slammed your head into a wall before because you didn’t answer him when he asked you a question and you’d never do that again. you’d do whatever it means to make sure he doesn’t go from leaving marks and bruises to leaving broken bones and open wounds, and he knows that you’re scared of that future and he fucking loves it.

— moving on from that situation for now. he’s surprisingly good with his words (this could either be good or bad) he knows what to say to keep you wrapped tight around his finger and he knows what to say to scare you into listening. “that, uh, new girl you’re talking to. she’s nice isn’t she?” and while he grins, you glance at him with uneasiness at his tone when he spoke.

— i think it’s evident enough he stalks the fuck out of you. whether you’re aware or not he’s always there. ever felt paranoid that someone was watching you? it’s him. but don’f expect to actually catch a glimpse of him, he’d only let you see him if he wanted you to. he’s got way too many photos of you for it to be considered normal (given your relationship with him, nothing is normal). and he’s jerked off to every single one of them. doesn’t matter if it’s suggestive, sexual or a completely innocent photo, he’s gotten off to every single one of them at least once and if he wanted to humiliate you, he’d tell you himself while you cry pretty tears and yell those silly and meaningless words you like to use at him.

— now some nsfw ones… get ready because i dont hold back on anything when it comes to jeff.

— he’s so fucking mean it should be illegal to let him speak. he mocks you, threatens you, manipulates you— whatever he can say to get reactions from you he will. “aw, doll. you look cute all marked up, what if i left my name right- here. what? scared it’ll hurt? can’t take a little bit of pain? oh, you don’t want it? i don’t think i ever asked what you wanted, slut. now hold still before i make ya really scream in pain.”

— he’s so physical with you i’d be surprised if he hasn’t nearly broken one of your arms or crushed your windpipe before. his grip is so tight and he’s so rough it’s like he’s unaware of his strength and how hard he’s being. but he’s completely aware and even makes fun of you when you claw at his arm and gasp pathetically for air he won’t allow you for a few more seconds. he wants to see how long it takes before the life in your eyes starts to flicker. and god the bruises you’ll have from him holding you down to firmly, even if you tried to get away you wouldn’t move an inch under his grasp but he likes with you try to get free so keep going until he gets bored and makes you do something else you might not like doing either.

— speaking of him liking your struggles, he’s put you in situations where you have to fight back. his knife to your throat while he orders you to struggle under him or him forcefully ripping your panties off to have his way with you. anything he does will typically have you attempting to fight back against his advances and it gets him hard and makes him want to hurt you even more the more you cry out and beg him to stop and get off you, your hands pushing against him in failed attempts to free yourself.

— KNIFE PLAY KNIFE PLAY KNIFE PLAY ! i already touched on it but ill say it again because i have this idea in my head ive yet to put into words in a draft. he fucks you with his knife from time to time, it took a few carefully chosen words to manipulate you into giving in and trying “something new” but had you known it was this? you wouldn’t have ever agreed. not that your verbal consent would’ve stopped him.

— he’s rough with holding your hips down, his arm over your lower stomach as he nudges the hilt of his knife against your folds. “ya scared, doll? nothin’ to be scared of, ‘m not putting the sharp end in your stupid cunt.” he could, but that wouldn’t be much fun would it? he pushes it just barely into your entrance and it’s difficult to adjust to, it’s such a stiff object it’s weird feeling it inside of you but he only pushes it deeper and then you feel the dips in the hilt from the use it’s gone through from jeff and how hard he must’ve held it repeatedly and oh. this shouldn’t feel as good as it’s feeling right now.

— “look at you, getting it nice an’ wet f’me aren’t ya, princess? do you know how many i’ve killed with this knife? how many bodies i’ve stabbed it into repeatedly?” and you wish he’d stop saying it like it’s some achievement of his, in fact you wish he’d stop talking all together but his voice seems to only push you further to the edge maybe that’s the pleasure talking though and not your logical brain.

okay ill stop FOR NOW LMFAO this is kinda long and i’ve never dont hcs so idk how to properly do them 💀 this is extremely messy but if i dont post it now i probably wouldnt post it for another two weeks bcus i’d think too hard on it.

[dausy]

Well I've been daily updating twitter ofcourse. I kind of at the last moment decided I was going to do a daily doodle thing. I did this years ago, where I drew something every day for a year. I'm not doing a full illustration this time just really simple, essentially a couple lines and thats it. Just to help the creative juices flowing. I probably wont stick it out for an entire year but I keep getting myself backed up into an artistic corner and I want to back back out of it and find a new corner. Instead while I've been doing that, I've also been using it as an excuse to update the status of my current ailment.

so essentially, I had already self-diagnosed myself with the flu but I did go ahead and made an urgent care appointment on Saturday (?). I will say that I normally get a flu shot, every year, I did not get one this year. Next year I will definitely be getting one. I definitely got this from my coworkers and theres was like 3x milder than mine. My immune system was not prepared.

I did not want to physically go to urgent care because I didn't feel safe driving. I was super short of breath and I felt very drunk (because its in my ears! my ears are messed up). Also, didn't want to sit in a waiting room when sitting up sounded like a lot of effort and besides, what is urgent care going to tell me that I dont already know? viruses are treated with rest and fluids and thats it. However, I assumed my boss was going to be on top of me for some sort of a work note even though I'm not a full time employee and I dont feel like I should need one but I had agreed to work on monday and if I called in she'd probably pitch a fit. I discovered, thanks to the local spouse groups, that there was a local mobile urgent care. They came to my house! I schedule an appointment and they came out about an hour later. The most convenient thing ever. They apparently didn't take my insurance so they charged me 179$ out of pocket but I wasn't going to complain. I didn't have to go anywhere. I could track the MA on gps and they sent me his photo so I didn't "have to be scared" lmao. It was all very nice.

I had already tested myself for covid and it was negative. I was tempted to start myself on prednisone (because I practically have an entire pharmacy at home) but HR was a good 115 and adding steroid to that sounded not fun. Normally my HR runs 60s if Im calm and 80s if Im stressed. 115 with steroids on board didn't sound like fun. My 02 was dropping to 93 when I was up and walking around but it would go back up to the high 90s. This poor MA came with a laptop that virutally connected to a PA and they were like "what do you want me to do for you?" like I guess I mainly just wanted to make sure that I was safe to be at home and I have evidence I saw some sort of healthcare person as proof.

I oddly enough didn't have much of a cough until about yesterday. I was feeling short of breath and when I did cough I'd cough gunk up but mainly it just hurt to cough but it wasn't frequent at all. Now I'm coughing alot. The worst part was the hot/cold flashes. I completely drenched the bed in sweat. I've never seen that much water come off of me. I literally touched the valley of my stomach and it was a puddle. I splished my hands in it. I would alternate between uncontrollable sweating to then freezing to death. I thought I'd be over it and I washed all my linens yesterday and then last night, just sweat everywhere. Which was annoying because I felt....nagged..?..guilttripped? to go into work today by my boss. Like I was faking it..I couldnt possibly be sick that long(my coworkers recovered in 2 days)..maybe I was crazy and I wasn't sick?

so I did! I WENT TO WORK TODAY. My coworkers were actually fine. They said they were actually surprised they handled things well without me. I'm simultaneously proud of them and really aggravated that I went in. Because I really did feel terrible. I realized real fast how weak I was and my brain was not functioning. I even gave myself the easiest roll I could where I was off in a corner away from people and I was struggling. I was struggling to walk and I was struggling to stand. My partner at work let me know how bad I looked too. I apparently looked like a frail old lady. Which was nice.

So I went home. My boss is like "wait where you going?". I guess in her defense she came equipped with a bunch of throat lozenges for me but I didn't have a sore throat. I have no energy and cant breath. So I'm going home. I dont work tomorrow btw.

[tameila]

Was kindly tagged by @belphegor1982 to participate in this 20 questions for writers trend! thanks for the tag! 💕 tags for anyone who sees this and wants to take a whack at it. tag me in your responses, if you do!

How many works do you have on AO3?

I have 10 works on ao3 with plenty of little one-shots posted here on tumblr and at least triple that many WIPs lmao

What's your total AO3 word count?

My current ao3 word count is 165,375 words. TSAR is responsible for, like, 70% of that word count.

What fandoms do you write for?

On ao3, I've only posted for Critical Role, and I do not foresee that changing, but who knows! Before Critical Role, I never really saw myself as a writer that posted on public forums, and it's not as if I haven't entertained and dabbled in other fandoms.

Overall, including collaborative writing/roleplaying, I have written for Warriors (yes, the cat books), Bleach, Naruto, Hetalia (im sorry you have to learn this about me), Glee, Dragon Age, and Digimon.

What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

The Sun Always Rises (550 kudos), multichaptered modern AU Pikelan

give my regards to soul and romance (186 kudos), one-shot based in @jabletown's rejoice AU, Pikelan with Dadlan and Pike & Kaylie bonding

le petit encore (145 kudos), my mediocre TSAR 'verse smut fic. every time it gets another kudos i am pushed closer and closer to continuing my smut WIPs because i swear!! i promise!! i can write better smut!...but i am rather proud of this piece because it was my first serious foray into the world of smut and i gotta recognize my own hustle lol

As Easy as Riding a Bicycle (113 kudos), modern AU/college-aged Pikelan, Pike's bike gets stolen and she turns to a dating app to try and find it and finds love instead. super love this piece. everyone should read it and give it more kudos so it can be my third most kudo'd piece teehee

TLC is a Two-Way Street (104 kudos), TSAR 'verse, Pikelan, Pike looks after Scanlan while he is sick

Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

Yes, yes, yes! Even as I free myself from the shackles of needing that validation and feeling discouraged if I don't reach some arbitrary number of engagement, I cannot deny that comments are inspiration and writing fuel. So, when I get a comment, I think it's the least that I can do to respond, even if it's just to say thanks.

I am definitely guilty of sitting on comments that make me particularly happy for weeks on end before actually remembering to respond tho

What's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

the things we know and the things we wish they knew, which was my first CR fanfic and written in response to ep 85 iykyk

What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

I mean, it's gotta be The Sun Always Rises

Do you get hate on fics?

No, thankfully not!

Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

As mentioned previously, I only really have one serious smut fic, though I have written a couple other bits and bobs....and maybe I have a couple WIPs that may or may not see the light of day. I'm not sure what kinds of smut there are...but I guess I would describe my approach to smut as 'I am a sex-repulsed asexual and idk what's really going on here but I'm here to express closeness and intimacy and love in this strange new world' lol

Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

If we're talking crossovers in the sense that characters from two separate fictional stories meet and interact, I have written in roleplays back in middle school like that but never explored the concept in fanfic.

If crossovers also includes taking the concept of one fictional media and inserting the characters of another into it (e.g., Hogwarts AU or HDM AU) then I've definitely written and have plans for various fanfics like that. I don't think that I have any that I would consider "crazy", but I do think my brief notes and writings for a OTGW-inspired Nygmobblepot/Riddlebird fic were v inspired.

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I know of and hopefully not! Very little gets posted in the Pikelan fandom that I don't see, so I like to think I'd be hard to pull a fast one on

Have you ever had a fic translated?

Not yet, but I would love to see The Sun Always Rises translated into other languages someday!

Have you ever co-written a fic before?

I've entertained a couple co-written fics that have unfortunately never gotten off the ground much, but I'm not closed off to the idea. I see it as being quite similar to roleplaying!

What's your all-time favorite ship?

Oof. As a lifetime shipper, that's a tough question. I never truly let go of a ship, even after I've moved on from a fandom, but there are definitely some that are far more enduring in my heart than others.

Of course, if we're going off of writing alone than it's Pikelan. Writing TSAR got me through some of the hardest years of my life and, despite what's become of them and what I'm forced to endure by continuing to engage in the fandom space, they're special to me in a way that a lot of other ships can never be, no matter how much I love 'em.

Also, in the case of writing, FenHawke. selfishly, of course, Fenris with my Hawke. I love writing for them, and I consider the pieces that I've written for them to be amongst my best. They're the Dragon Age ship for me.

What's the WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

.....[shamefully hangs head] A-Side and B-Side, the sequels to TSAR. I'm gonna keep writing them for as long as I am able but, if there ever comes a day that I post an update and get zero engagement, then I think I'll just have to move on. but! if even one person keeps coming along for the ride, then I'll stick to 'em. I just don't know if there's anyone who loves my writing enough to stick around for, like, another 5 years lol

The other big one is Vex's Delivery Service...which is exactly what it sounds like. A Kiki's Delivery Service inspired AU but it's about Vex. though truly, it's a thinly veiled excuse to write about domestic Pikelan is what it is. I have the whole thing planned out. I just can't ever seem to get it off the ground and, at this point, with the way I'm halfway out of the CR fandom, I don't think I ever will.

What are your writing strengths?

I have been extremely lucky to have been complimented on multiple facets of my writing over the years. However, I think what I pride in myself the most is my ability to let each scene breathe and take its time. It means that I take forever to write and nothing's ever short, but I don't think I would like writing quite as much if I wasn't allowed to let each moment have its breathing space.

What are your writing weaknesses?

It's a bit of an oddball pick maybe, but it's something that I feel like I have to own up to as a notorious modern AU writer:

People say that modern AUs are uninspired and boring, especially when you're taking characters out of a magical fictional world just to put them into our world and....the rumor's are true. I just don't get that into the lore of a fictional universe to ever feel comfortable writing in it. I do just find it easier to write everyone as humans in a modern-esque society. Now, I will stand by the fact that part of the fun of modern AUs is taking these magical characters and interpreting into a modern space (I often do the opposite with modern era characters into a fantasy world of my own design), but I just want to fully own up to the fact that...yes, I am too lazy to research the intricacies of canon in order to write a proper canon compliant/adjacent fic.

Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

I think it has it's place.

For me, if it's a language that the POV character understands/that the reader should understand alongside the POV character, then there's no reason to write it in that language. Simply include a dialogue tag to explain what language the character was speaking in. and I say this mostly from a logistical/ease of reading standpoint. Having to scroll down to the bottom of a fic or switch to a separate tab with the translations interrupts the flow of reading.

If, however, the language is included, untranslated, to reflect the POV character's own lack of knowledge of the language then that makes more sense. because you, as the reader, are meant to keep reading at the same level of understanding as the POV character and there's no pressure to be rushing for a translation just to make sure you're not missing an important line of dialogue.

but of course, as with most things, it's writer's choice!

First fandom you wrote for?

Warriors, probably...maybe Hamtaro. I definitely read fanfic for it and had my little daydream musings, but I don't think I wrote anything down.

Favorite fic you've ever written?

Oooh, we talkin' fic fic? That's long gone, and it's up in the air which of those many early fandoms that it was for.

If we're talking that's readily available on ao3, then my first was the things we know and the things we wish they knew. though, I was writing and posting Dragon Age one-shots on tumblr before that one.

Coming back because, for some reason, I misread this question as what was the first fic I'd ever written lol. Obviously, the answer to favorite is The Sun Always Rises.

[here2bbtstrash]

hi, m! as you know, you're one of my favorite, if not my absolute favorite, writers on tumblr. and i was wondering, where do you come up with the ideas for your fics? how do they come about?

although im kind of in a rut at the moment, i always read something on tumblr and start to daydream about a life in that world and then inspiration just kinda strikes? i always put myself in stories and let everything hit me. probs a lil masochistic since angst is my fav genre, but there's so many ways to do angst that it helps me explore creatively. you know?

much luv! from, millie.

ahhhhh hi millie 💜 this is so sweet of you omg thank you 🙇‍♀️ and it's kind of a complicated question bc there is no one answer, and i think every fic is a little different!

sometimes i start with a kink or something i want to explore in smut and build around it (deep end, sunday). sometimes something happens in my real life that makes me want to put together a fictionalized/embellished version (park and ride, moving day - no i will not be elaborating 👀). some ideas are sparked from songs (party on you) or other kinds of media like movies or tv (heartless). sometimes it's a thought exercise like what if jungkook was a fratboy? what if you hooked up with jimin in a club bathroom? what if you were sick and your fuckbuddy taehyung took care of you? lmao

my ideas come from everywhere (and i have way more than i will ever actually turn into finished fics 😵‍💫) - if there's a common denominator tho, it's probably music. making a little playlist and looping it and going off into my own imagination for a while is the best way i've found to take a seed of an idea and flesh it out into a whole proper fic. and it's one of my favorite parts of the writing process!!

the only other thing i'll say (i was just talking to @eoieopda about this actually) is that ultimately, the fics that i am most satisfied with in the long-term are the ones that i write for me. like the more grossly self-indulgent with something i am, the more proud of the end result i usually end up being 🤣 life is short, and nobody's paying us to do this anyway, so write whatever YOU want to see in the world!!!

thanks for sending this in and letting me babble 🥺 don't be too hard on yourself about your rut - we all fall into one from time to time (personally, i am currently in my flop era, so i get it 💅) but i promise the inspiration will come back if you give it some time and space to breathe! i hope this answer was in any way helpful! 💜

[captainaikus]

okay i think i figured out the issue as to why my last ask from our convo didn’t sent (not from this morning). cause i had sent one a while ago and you never responded so i thought it was a glitch or you just didn’t get it or you’d finally gotten sick of me. i had a picture attached (my screensaver) so that’s probably why it didn’t sent. i just let out a huge sigh of relief cause i thought you’d finally gotten sick of me 😭😭. but thankfully that is not the case 🥹🥹 *gestures to the ask from this morning*. okay so i’ll just send it again if that’s alright. *ahem*

also. i think im finally ready to come off anon. surprise?? i was thinking about it for a while cause we’ve talked a lot by now (2 months almost i think?) and i consider you one of my online friends (im okay even if it’s not reciprocated). and it just felt right. you can still call me starry if you want (i love the nickname it’s so cute 😭❤️).

okay so here’s the actual ask

BELLE!!!! I’m honored (abt your screensaver) 😌😭🤧. I spontaneously change it to different TR panels and choosing one for the ending was so hard but I ended up choosing a classic.

Heads ups this is gonna be a long one I’m sorry .

Ohhh what kind of sensitive topics if you don’t mind me asking? I personally feel like topics are talk about raw things are some of the best pieces of writing. Another reason why hurt/comfort is one of my favorite tropes. Just exploring the angst and hurt and hard to deal with feelings into understanding and comfort and closure really hits for me.

And same here. Every time I get on Pinterest it’s just. Hot shirtless fictional character. Hot shirtless fictional character. Hot shirtless fictional character. Angst fanart. Hot shirtless fictional character. And then I end up going down the rabbit hole of trying to save all of them while simultaneously finding more and it becomes an endless cycle 💀💀💀.

Pshhhh the Izana fanart had me wheezing. Just the absolute judgmental look in Izanas face. I just know Kakucho was ready to pounce on Izana to hold him back from hunting down Shion adhkbffjjgg. And ofc it was Shion because who else 😭💀. I’m complementing if I should change my screensaver to one of the hundreds of Izana pictures I have saved (rip my storage 🥲) but I think I’m gonna keep the Takemikey one a bit longer mostly because if I change it that means I’m finally slowly starting to come to terms with the fact that the manga is over AND IM NOT READY FOR THAT YET DANGIT. OH!! And I can’t believe I forgot to mention that I finally changed my pfp on tumblr. I ended up picking Takemitchy because the end of TR was fast approaching. And I also changed my theme from orange-flowers-in-the-sunset to purple-clouds-during-the-early-morning. I’m quite proud of it if I do say so myself 😌.

If you do decide to start writing TR content then you have my full support. But even if you don’t then that’s totally okay too. I don’t wanna accidentally pressure you into it with my constant rambling about it. But if you do pls let me know so I can celebrate the fact that one of my favorite writers is gonna start writing/doing TR content 👀🥳. Rindo is a great place to start. He needs more content I hardly see any for him as compared to Mikey, Izana, Chifuyu, Mitsuya, and etc. My baby needs some love too.

Dude Reo had me when he did the super hot eyebrow thing LIKE SIR NO REASON TO DO THIS TO ME. NOT TO MENTION HIS DID IT TWICE?!?!? And the freaking HEADPATS he was giving Nagi???? Nagi no offense but can we pls share your bf?

And ofc take your time with your fics. Amazing things aren’t produced in a day. They need to be edited and fleshed out and rewritten. All a hundred times over. So take your time and don’t let anyone pressure you into doing more than you want to because at the end of the day this is YOUR blog and YOUR writing. Personally, I’m just happy with the interaction 😊❤️. NOT THAT YOUR WRITING ISNT AMAZING IT IS but a lot of authors just don’t interact and I wanna get to know the amazing person behind the beautiful writing too you know? Makes all if it more real I think. But that’s just me.

Ohhhh man I’ve heard quite a few things about Kaiser and I’m still undecided abt him cause new characters can be hot as they wanna be but if they hurt one of my babies (unjustly) then it’s on sight 😤😤.

“Dommed his way through it” agjfshbcfhjhg. Basically 😭💀. I read someones post saying how much they love him yet he’s got the personality of an apple and I was like yes but no but yes but no while laughing. Baby boys been through so much I think he deserves a break 😭.

Yes expose the flawed systems of this world 😤😤. Seriously though, I’ve heard so many stories about how models are treated and it makes me so sad because they really are some of the sweetest people out there (you’re a perfect example) and yet they go through so much. For me, I come up with stories and characters that often go through or have a personality trait of mine so that I can sort of analyze and work through it in my writing (that is if I don’t decide to go the angst route ofc). And its almost always done unconsciously . So it’s therapeutic for me.

I’m glad you’re doing well!! I’m on break rn and having no work to do is so weird because I’m so used to being productive and working all the time. So that that when I don’t have work I’m just like. Suspicious that I’m gonna miss a deadline or something and everything feels off balance . Trying to break that habit and just learn how to relax again.

Well he’s obviously wrong because your shirt looked amazing 🙄 (even tho I wasn’t there). Men. I swear if fictional men were real, real men would be sweating so much harder than they aufesst are because women are realizing that we deserve better than the bare minimum. They’d also very much be scared for their lives cause if our fictional men found out how we were being treated just due existing it would be all over for them. Sorry abt that bit. the state of the world makes me feel a lot of intense emotions sometimes.

Stuff abt me huh? Hmmmm well I like to write, eat, and sleep. I need more hobbies 💀. I like to learn new things whether it be about animals, politics, wars, or art. I love reading and books. One day I want to have a whole room set aside as a library in my house with two floors and a walking ledge and those rolling ladders and stairs. The whole Beauty and the Beast library but small enough to fit in a small house. I like meeting new people. The things you can learn from a single conversation astound me. I like researching any topic that catches my eyes and analyzing it so much that it unknowingly becomes a hyperfixation. Idk it just scratches an itch in my brain. I want to travel the world one day. And learn and speak and write fluent Spanish, Arabic, and French. I also like leather jackets and comfy clothes and eye makeup. Oh and I like listening to music a lot. Especially walking outside with my earbuds in while it’s cold in the late afternoon when it’s dark but there’s still light and laying in the grass on a hill.

Shows: EXTRAORDINARY ATTORNEY WOO!!! I love that show. It’s been a minute since I’ve watched it tho. Gotta start binging again. But I usually don’t watch shows unless they really catch my eye. OH!!! But I’m short excited for the Percy Jackson tv show coming soon!! Reliving my childhood in 24 minutes every week is gonna be a real treat.

Anime: I’m not watching anything new atm. I binged one piece over the summer though and got to the Sabody arc (early 400s). I’m rewatching TR for the 3rd time this month tho. I cant make myself reread the manga yet it’s gonna be too much for me to handle too soon 🥹🥹🥹. WAIT I TAKE IT BACK. I’m currently watching Blue Lock and Chainsaw Man. I cant believe I forgot 💀💀. Oh and I’m also rewatching the Ranking of Kings and Banana Fish (I don’t know what made me decide rewatching this angst fest was a good idea especially with TR ending but I’m here now so 🥲🥲🥲).

SNACK: Tbh honest I’ll eat anything. Either I’m a vacuum or I’m incapable of eating so my body lovesssss me 💀. Im honestly more of a meal person. I love spicy and savory food tho. My mom never gave me a bunch as a kid so when I eat them now it’s very rare and even then I’m very picky abt which ones I like. I do like caramel, milk chocolate, or whole chocolate flavored sweets tho.

Manga/Books: I’m currently rereading the wrath and the dawn, reading belladonna, and reading HP Lovecrafts stories. On the manga side, I’m reading Chainsaw man (cause I wanna stay ahead of the anime) and I’m finally starting Moriarty the patriot.

I’ve been meaning to read more nonfiction books cause I can gain a broader perspective but i don’t know where to start or find an hood ones or find ones that aren’t mainstream but secretly awful. Do you have any recs?

The Bachira b-day suit panel is very much appreciated 👀😂. ALSO I would love to chat but for some reason my tumblr messaging is broken? I even tried on my laptop and it didn’t work. So I sadly excepted my fate of asks only communication a while ago 😞🤧. Also also some people really need to learn what boundaries are. Like just in general. AND NOOOO THAT FIC IS ONE MY FAVORITES ITS ADORABLE. And ofc that doesn’t erase the fact that your writing has improved by a lot (it has wonderfully btw) but you should also be proud of some of your early works no matter how cringe they seem to be.

How was your day? I hope uni has been going well? As always, I hope you have a good day!!! *sends many virtual hugs*

- ✨ anon

Tags for this ask : sensitive topics; mentions of depression, SH and just me talking about my writing, opinions and life

I- this is first time I’m experiencing an ask based tumblr glitch. I’ve only heard of it from other writers, but experiencing it? This was first for me and I’m sorry that happened to you. I promise I haven’t gotten sick of you and I still look very much forward to your texts . I was wondering where you were after I sent that response out - cause I thought you got tired of me instead 🥹

And omg when I saw you come off anon! 🥹 I was so excited!! Hi!! And ofc you’re one of my online friends as well! One of the first actually 👉🏻👈🏻 like- yeah I used to speak to writers here- but the relationship wasn’t a very consistent one. Like if I’m being point blank about my opinion, It’s not very often that I speak to authors and writers here as idk why but I get the feeling that they see me as a person using them for the sake of reblogging my works and liking them (a few writers being exceptions ofc) - which isn’t the case cause I can get by fine without their help; and I can tell when I’m not wanted even if I can’t see you. So you’re right, a lot of authors don’t interact and they mostly stick to their own circles (again, some of them being exceptions ofc) and me being me, I’ve never done well with crowds; and I’m a loner here - I closed in on myself and didn’t interact with any blog - it kinda helped cause I didn’t have majority opinion of how and what a character should be like or how I should write them shoved in my face. And I focused on interacting with my followers and people who took interest in my work - cause at the end of the day I’m creating content for you guys - who follow me and for myself cause I consider it therapy.

but yay! I finally saw you! ପ(๑•ᴗ•๑)ଓ and ofc I’ll still call you starry!

I’m sorry for closing my chat box; but there was the need to put boundaries for some people ૮ ◞ ﻌ ◟ ა(the amount of spam I got from dating websites and meetups and suggestive messages is crazy and then the ask to sequels came in when I opened it so I had to close it again, and I’m sorry you couldn’t reach me :/ I’m creating a new account so that I can follow some of you back and have fun - a first time thing for me so I’m kinda nervous ૮₍˶Ó﹏Ò ⑅₎ა )

I changed my screensaver again

Sorry I had to do it. It was Rindou and he looked very pretty - and maybe I’ll put gojo back idk- I don’t like indecisiveness but atp it’s just me when I go to get food with friends and screensavers (and pfps)

I’m glad to see someone agree with me abt writing hurt/comfort topics. When I mentioned about sensitive topics what I was talking about stresses on mental health - ranging from mild to severe issues; topics such as depression, and SH thoughts, eating disorders and stuff like that as well how people think about their body image and just very overwhelming emotions in general. Cause these are real issues and speaking from experience, people don’t talk about it cause it’s the case where they have to think twice before saying something to someone or afraid that they would judge them if they opened about it. I’m not a professional but since I’ve experienced this before (and at times still do) I wanted to write about it and since breaking mirrors was so well received - I made a decision to write something deeper and more intense which covers these topics. And what I really like you saying is that these are raw forms of writing which is very true cause the feedback I got for breaking mirrors just proved that people liked my fic and provided them comfort in some way - which means that it was relatable. And that’s what I am aiming for since this is an ‘x reader’ insert.

My Pinterest looks very weird. I’m omw to posting a shirtless man’s pics on my pinned post who idek for the sake of making my blog look good (literally on the cusp of doing it and maybe I will- Sam smith dropped unholy and it’s hoe hoe hoe season too + the fact that we’re gonna slut shame men on this blog) I spend a lot of time on Pinterest cause of pretty people tbh -

I really like your pfp! You got me thinking of changing mine honestly- but Aiku *heartclench* my love - I’m actually in the middle of making one - (*≧ω≦) and I did check out your blog! It’s so chaotic and cute! And I really love the color as well - it’s very soothing (˶‾᷄ ⁻̫ ‾᷅˵)

Gonna tell you now- I had an emperor! Izana that I started months ago, kisaki and Rindou now. Cause I thought of something and it made me go ‘holy hell. That’s- I have to write that down’ and Sanzu’s as well cause I have a lot of art of him saved - his hair is so pretty pink 🥺 but I need time to work on it and I can’t promise it soon cause I have 30+ something wips pending (*T.T)

Everyone’s thirsting for Reo, (me praying at my Oliver shrine hoping that he comes out good and his va is what I imagined so I’m excited for it-) he does give off mature vibes and I’m like 100% sure he’s gonna be a sugar daddy on the market. *wheezing* Nagi share your bf 😭

Istg Izana’s expression - public execution. Time for them to be canceled on Twitter. I love seeing small fanarts like this. And I even found one Mikey art that had me thinking abt changing the theme of my blog

I said what i said. Rin doms his way out of problems- personality of an apple 💀 but they like him. It makes sense

And yeah we should expose issues. So for modeling, honestly it’s not about the body cause I’m pretty average looking like seriously - breaking mirrors was based on my experience; but it’s about the poise, confidence and manners you have as well. (although I have seen some of them be bitches for no reason? Being nice doesn’t cost you anything - being mean is just gonna make karma bite you in the ass) but I think people everywhere are beautiful - body standards shouldn’t determine anyone’s self worth. And I know models look pretty, it’s all about owning the image. Like I have peach fuzz. I don’t shave it instead I ended up cutting my hair short - which exposed it more. Instead of feeling upset about it, I just decided to own the look and be more confident cause this is the way I am and it changed a lot of things for me. In short, Willy Wonka was right about confidence being key -

As for my writing, I’m good at reading people tbh; and the same goes for characters as well - so I draw my own conclusions after dwelling on the thought - and yeah writing is therapeutic. Oh god ik that feeling on when you’re on a break and the feeling of having a jumpscare comes over you (>﹏<) can’t even have good time in peace

Ik it’s a good shirt - hmph. I’m not gonna take an opinion from someone who wears sweatpants and a loose tee. *wheezing* - real men would be sweating if they saw Aiku, Rindou and *proceeds to name 160 husbandos* at my door.

I love the idea for beauty and the beast library 🥺 how I wish I had that - *sigh* and yes! You can learn a lot of things from one convo with a person and if you think about it you literally have a lifetime to know everything about them - cause that one convo is never enough. I totally get the whole thing with a hyperfixation - researched a lot about Egypt when I was younger; and got fixated to a point my mom had to drag me away from the computer- fun fact; Arabic has words similar to Indonesian and Hindi! Leather jackets are so cool and comfy clothes are literally the best thing to sleep in - my ears get cold during the winter or when it sets in- so I wear headphones and walk around places.

Woo young woo is so precious and I love the way they introduce themselves - woo to the young to the woo - 🐋

For anime, I’m contemplating if I should re-watch Vinland saga - the way I cried in the last episode. I. Bawled my eyes out and I still get teary when I think about it 😭; latest updates on snacks, so I bought a lot of sour candy (yea I eat a lot of sour candy)- and my roommates thought it was really sweet. Ended up with headaches over how sour it was and accompanied me to the store, ended up buying sweet things and finished most of the candy and left me the mints ಠ_ಠ

So I mostly read books on history, politics and psychology. To get started I’d recommend going for some autobiography or biography; like geisha of Gion or historical fiction like memoirs of a Geisha - that’s what got me started. I’m glad you liked my comfort fic - a creation that makes me embarrassed cause when I read it the nicknames there are different and these are more solid and I use them for every fic atp. But yeah my fics have come a long way and no matter how cringe they seem, everyone has a starting point in their hobbies and this was one ‘em.

Speaking of Uni, when I had the Mikey and haitani brothers screensaver; remember that guy who made a comment about my weight that I told you about, calling him Danny btw- he said that there was a naked man on my screen.

Okay… and? Do you want the same screensaver I have? Will that make you feel better? So yeah there’s that and Uni had me by the neck cause of this one prof (T.T*) but life’s been going well otherwise! I hope you’re doing well (working on that side account so that I chat with you!) and sorry for the late response (ㅅ´ ˘ `)♡

*sending koala hugs back*

[eowynarchives]

guess who’s baaaack >:3

i was lookin back thru my activity and saw that most recent tag game and i was reminded of how intrigued i am about one of ur answers

you’re makin a dnd show??? like video production and such??? that’s so frickin cool dude!!! i’d love to hear more if you wanna infodump about it :D

best of luck!!! i’m sure it’s not the easiest but i fully believe you can do whatever you put your mind to

knowin you you’re gonna put your all in it and the end result is gonna be incredible and so worth the effort im so exited to see what your amazin brain comes up with :DDD

i’m so fuckin lucky to be friends with someone as talented as you mads, and you know i’m always gonna be your number one fan!!!

love ya more than you know mads <3333

WHAAATTT HOW DID I FORGET TO TELL YOU OMG (╯°□°）╯

yeah dude!!!!! IM MAKIN A WHOLE SHOW!!!!! or at least im going to try hahaha. i’ll message you some of the secret details since nothing is finalized yet butttt i’ll happily infodump the rest of my idea here tehehe-

so yes! i am going to film and produce a d&d show. im sick of waking up every day and dreaming about the future i want. im finally at the point of saying fuck this!! im gonna do the work and make my dreams a reality. im past the fear of not doing it perfectly on the first try- being afraid to start is never going to get me anywhere. what matters is to just go. i believe in my ability to learn and improve as i go.

and thankfully i won’t be totally alone! my sister and her boyfriend have experience working in film and media production. ive asked them both if they would be interested in helping me make this dream of mine a reality and they’re absolutely in! my sister is going to spearhead sound engineering/recording and she’s working on a final version of the logo i’ve created. her boyfriend is going to help me with video editing and social media marketing/advertisement. they are 2/4 of my players that have been playing through my homebrew campaign for the past 8ish months, and i trust them completely.

im planning on having a minimum of four but hopefully six players! im actually going to run a homebrew one shot sometime in the next month or so with my desired cast. i have to see if theyre interested and make sure they know what level of dedication they need to have, and i need to make sure the group actually meshes well together when playing! fingers crossed it goes well, but if not thats okay- it just means i haven’t found the right players yet.

as for me, i’ll be the dm so i will be responsible for pretty much all of the writing, which is intimidating when i think about people watching my stories unfold. but even if people don’t watch it or don’t like it or think it’s stupid, i don’t care because i want to do it for myself. yeah, it would be a dream come true if the show took off and i could do it full time. but at the core of my motivation, i wanna do it for me. i wanna step back after and be proud of something that i made. i wanna look at it and think “i created and molded my dreams with my own hands. i did that!”

i am so lucky to have lovely friends and family that are cheering me on and willing to throw their lot in with my wild dreams. i am so grateful for your kindness lux, you don’t even know. you have inspired me more than anyone else has to be brave and shoot for the stars. ever since you encouraged me to post chapter one of ylc really! i truly treasure the comment you left- at the end you said “im so excited to see where this goes!!! i’ll be here every step of the way!!” and you have, and i love you endlessly for it. i could never express the depth of my gratitude for you, i love you so much you wonderful human being you. im so happy that we’re friends <33

this has been really long hahaha but im very very insanely excited to be working on it!!!!

chase your dreams kids, and don’t be afraid to start. crush fear under your feet as you walk towards the horizon.

[cheekycherry20]

So many mental changes and life themes have been popping up for me. I know when things no longer serve, I can understand my emotions without negative self talk, and although I’m not the best at putting things into action. I’m very well aware of my flaws.

Flaws being me being on my phone too often (I HAVE stopped with directly checking it after I wake up do for at least an hour), being quick to react, depending on social media/food/ and people for dopamine, spreading negativity, and lack of presence. I’ve been doing my best to stop these, but I’ve never been the best at creating plans and sticking to them. I could blame my ADHD but I’m over that, it’s no longer going to be my excuse. I’m holding myself accountable from now on.

My work life has gotten significantly worse. My boss told me a couple things I’ve been doing wrong. Like I’m too loud( volume control has never been something I’m good at), when I speak to parents I’m rude (I can admit my delivery is not the best) but the worst one is that I’m “punishing my kids”. My coworker thought I was threatening my kid but I would never have ill or abusive intentions with my children. I noticed recently with my drop in motivation and will to keep going that im sharp tongued and haven’t been as kind as I know I can be, but to think I’m capable of what she thought I was doing is a stab to the heart. I pride myself on being the opposite of what I saw and heard as a child.

When I heard the feedback I didn’t offer any rebuttals because who would believe me. I made sure to stay calm as possible and I left the room the same way. The moment I got alone, I cried. “How can they say such mean things about me”? This whole time my coworkers were smiling in my face, listening to me talk about my mental health knowing exactly why I’m not feeling myself. I picked apart the things I knew to be true, and I will work on it. I’m proud of myself for not blowing the situation out of proportion and causing a scene. But I mean it when I say “FUCK THEM”! They’re incredibly quick to tell me all my wrongs, but not what I’m doing right.

I’ve been thinking about how I’m going to present myself when I go back to work. I could continue to try to kiss up to the higher ups (who’ve never liked me and go out of their way to ignore me), but I don’t want to be liked by people I don’t even like. I could match their energy but I hate doing that. I don’t want to put anymore negativity out if I don’t need to, as well as it doesn’t feel like me.

All of this started because we’re all tired. My small support system (3 other coworkers who aren’t higher ups) have been fed up for months, but now everyone is catching up to how we feel. Kids come in sick ( EVERYONE got Covid because my boss accepta sick children), the boss is almost never in, parents stretch the truth, it’s all too much. Being at the clinic has made me understand why I love kids and my job, but I can’t do it because it’s almost like high school. I genuinely feel like I’m being picked on often, but I’m not allowed to speak on it. I have no motivation and I feel the happiness and will to live being sucked out of me every time I step in the building.

My job pays my rent so I’m forcing myself to tough it out. I don’t know if life is teaching me lessons or showing me something, but I threw in the towel a long time ago. I read somewhere that the universe doesnt allow good things to happen in spaces where you’re not supposed to be and I’m hoping thats it. My suicidal mindset has come back but in more of a mature way. I know I don’t actually want to die, my soul is just tired and lacking motivation to keep trying. I want someone to save me or give me a handout but that’s not happened and I’m ok with that.

I’m taking it day by day as best as I can. But what’s living like this. Under these conditions. I was not born to work all the time with no time to think for myself. I want to go out and have fun without worrying about pto. In the end everything will be fine but I want to feel ok NOW.

[pwblogarchive]

June 2005

June 1, 2005

Lets make a mixed cd.

Songs to listen to when you're alone:

Smoking popes "pretty pathetic"

Imogen heap "hide and seek"

Elliot smith "a fond farewell"

Get up kids "valentine"

Bright eyes "lua"

Joy division "ice age...."

Kent "if I was there"

Motion city soundtrack "everything is alright"

Morissey "the more you ignore me..."

Now its overhead "with a subtle look"

Saves the day "blindfolded"

The smiths "unloveable"

The smiths "asleep"

The weakerthans "left and leaving"

Coldplay "trouble"

American nightmare "we are"

Damnation ad "no more dreams"

The cure "why can't I be you"

Dan andriano "lucky smoke rings"

Nick drake "pink moon"

Burn. And play. Repeat play.

In the dark.

June 4, 2005

things you may or may not know about our experience at trl:

fat joe is awesome. he is one of the few "celebrities" that we have ever met that has no attitude. he goofed around with us and told us a bunch of hilarious stories. he is what you wished you were only bigger and funnier, trust us.

it was really hot there.

we have yet to meet a camera man that knows how to film fall out boy. we were doing lots of stuff on stage that they completely missed. next time maybe they'll catch on.

we saw some footage that mtv shot of "sugar we're going down" for fall out boy makes the video (Mtv2). it will make you laugh at pete and dirty literally stealing a golf cart and driving it into a tree at full speed.

pete is constantly sick. possibly because he jumps in pools full of staph infection or possibly because he never sleeps. we're not sure. he did a sick cannonball today, again too bad the camera missed that one. though we are pretty sure that the vj vanessa loved the gross wet hug he gave her when he got out of the pool.

our guitar tech eric the cowboy and soundguy Dad did a trl "shout out" during kelly clarkson for our tourmonkey Dirty. it was the best part about trl.

we think this is the first time Lifetime and The Descendents were namedropped on TRL, that makes us proud. now go buy their cds.

we recommend that you do not put all of your money on red or black. its just not worth it.

the "i heart revenge" shirt. will be available from clandestine this summer.

patrick gets sunburned in approximately one second.

panic! at the discman's new songs are amazing. pink was the new black then black was the new black now panic at the disco is the new black.

fall out boy is always gonna be just a band that started in joe's attic. we got the world fooled on TRL, thanks for being in on the secret with us. keep up the calling!

thanks for making it all possible.

now back to crankcalling dirty.

June 8, 2005

Florida is hot. That's all I have to say. The humidity makes it hard to breathe. I wanted to thank everyone for remembering my birthday. And kimber thanks for the bday slipandslide but joe decided he liked it more than me so he took it. Maybe hell let me use it on warped with him, hehe. Besides I like joe. The hardrock show was actually a lot of fun... We're going home to try and work up some new stuff to play on warped. Post what new songs you guys want to hear the most and we'll work on them. Oh yeah we got all new merch for warped and all new clandestine stuff too...

For those of you voting on trl. We heard that the whole last week was pretaped. So don't give up hope!!

Real enrty later when I'm not so tired. Nice to see all your pretty faces all over again.

June 10, 2005

the boy kings-

you guys did it. i dont really understand how we managed to but we beat out 50cent and made it to number 9 on trl countdown. pinch myself. yep. im still me and my mom is still yelling at me to clean my room. damnit i thought being on trl would make me instantly awesomer.... in any news we have some cool cover songs we're working on for comps and we're practicing for warped you know- sitting with out guitars in a sauna for 12 hours a day. it gets kind of gross. wait did i thank you for your undying support for us. all the other bands on TRL are three times the size of fall out boy and our fans alone are dedicated to call and work to get us on there. it honestly made me shiver when i saw that. lets keep it going up the countdown- show them what this is about! please call again tommorrow, phones are worth more than the net! the info is on the front page. back to the sauna for me. me and patrick are sweating out new songs as we speak. hope to see chicago kids at the gym class show on sunday! and we have some awesome stuff planned for everyone real soon...

hey S.O.'s i been seeing you at shows. it makes me swoon.

truefuckinglove peter

06/10/05

question

Dear Pete, or whoever decides to answer this question..well or not answer…my friend megan says that if you listen to XO with just the right side of headphones theres no music so it sounds like Patrick is singing in her ear just for her…and i agree….try it sometome

answer

how about this. when i want patrick to sing in my ear i call him on the phone and he does it… boo and yah. oops. yeah i do that sometimes.

June 13, 2005

i'll be your number 9 with a bullet.

thanks for getting us on trl again!!! they changed the time of trl for summer. can you tell how suprised the vj's are that we keep getting on? its so amazing. keep it up. they changed the voting time to 1:30-2:00pm EST... so check it out earlier now. check out how to vote on the front page.

more s(w)oon.

XO

06/13/05

question

Does Patrick have a nickname? If so what is it?

answer

rickster. von stump. sophmore strump. winchester snomp, lunchbox. cookie jar. healthbar. rick ta life. patty boy. dont ever call him these. they are mine.

June 14, 2005

dear diary,

how did we get here. i'm not even sure.

thank god that the man who wrote Thriller is free. bring back the hits please, i'm dying.

summers not what it used to be.

the first kiss (off).

we leave for new york in moments. i'm a mess. nothings really going as planned in good ways and in bad ways.

thank you for the number seven, even if we are the "fall out boyS"

to the falloutBoy kings

ps. new summer line over at www.clandestineindustries.com - which includes more girls stuff, the bleach series based off of the story the count of monte cristo and some shirts designed exclusively for patrick.

June 14, 2005

her dad was a cook.

more like a chemist.

now he's doing time for burning down a shack out in the woods.

she gets her affection through two inch bulletproof glass two weekends a month, when her mother will drive her out there.

her hair is nosebleed red kinda funny in the way she always has the sniffles too, but you wouldn't laugh out loud, just in your head.

but me i'm brave, but in the boy next door kind of way. gone wrong ofcourse.

she says her family used to ski in vail.

i'm thinking this is a thinly veiled code for something about drugs but i'm not sure.

someone should wipe that smile off of her face.

someone should tell her that she's a terminal case and ruin her day.

not me, you know i'm kinda too into her.

it's the kind of conversation i'd engage behind cigarette smoke late at night with someone else.

she's like exposed brick. its not really as classy as people in manhattan apartments will tell you.

she always talks my ear off.

telling me amazing stories from the middle of nowhere.

i can hear the crickets chirping.

and the tumbleweeds blowing.

like how the 92 flood of mississippi was so bad that the water went into graveyards and she saw coffins floating down the street on the news.

peaceful resting place.

when we walk into a casino in vegas she tells me how they pump oxygen through the vents to keep people from feeling tired. how they make them like a maze around the casino floor so you can't find exits. how they keep the drinks coming for free. how everything is inclusive, you can get whatever you need, so you won't leave. she tells you to notice how there isn't anywhere to sit down except in front of a slot machine. she tells you it's just to get you to keep gambling.

as if it't a conspiracy.

just so you know she also calls tornados: twisters. and she's been in too many to count.

today she said the sky looked too nice, "it just isn't right".

we have patchwork afternoons like this.

just sewn together but not really matching.

we would if we could though. just coming apart at the seams and thats what's so attractive about eachother.

we could beat this rap. we could change your mind about us. we could live through this.

we just don't want to.

fuck your futures.

- petey

06/14/05 Q&A

question

Hypothetically asking, Ok, what if one day you woke up and Patrick was not there. Would you be worried?

answer

it would make me want to disappear to wherever he was.

06/16/05

question

How does patrick sing the emotion in the songs that u (pete) wrote.. Do you have to explain it to him or does he just know?

answer

me and patrick can finish eachothers sentences. this is what makes it so funny when people ask us if we care that you think the the other one is hotter or cooler, or how much everyone makes a big deal about who writes what or is where in photos. we don’t care. that kid is my best friend and the rest of the world could blow up and fall out boy can break up and he still will be.

June 16, 2005

I am glad today is over. We drove around nyc on a double decker bus and then recorded a cover song for a video game. A lot of things kind of were blown out of proportion today. But then I got to hear the new kanye west record and meet him. I realize no matter where our record is, hiphop guys like him are so much cooler than I will ever be. Oh well.

Number 5 is unbelieveable. Honestly I looked at my tv screen and was baffled. There aren't words... You are the best thing that has ever happened to me, no matter how bad things get.

June 18, 2005

best in show, worst in. love. with you. spent the day rehearsing warped tour. getting in the swing. so happy tonight in the perfect weather with friends from: from first to last, underoath and matchbookromance. we're a gang. get into it. this summer is going to be okay i think. really excited to play again tommorrow. come and find me (out). pick me out of a hat, pull me out of your sleeve. im lucky, but you're the luckiest. you guys bring a smile to my face when i see all of your silly questions. keep voting at TRL- it's definitely suprising some people over at Mtv!

www.clandestineindustries.com

XO

ps J. - BenFolds "the luckiest"

June 20, 2005

haiku for you...

moonlit blues dimming

veins full of point fives and ones

turning my head off

just watch my mind run

over by the ambulance

side effect lover

- petey

June 21, 2005

I love summer in the midwest. Sunsets are the best. We love the number five. Thanks for voting on trl. Mtv is super suprised that we keep beating out 50cent and shakira. Thank you for your support. Its pretty exciting for us and is worth more than you could know. Please Keep voting... The info is in the news. First day off on warped tour and goddamn I miss it. Comeback forever.

Btw we love ap.net and jared kaufman so whoever said otherwise has got their stories mixed up.

Watch: the notebook. Get in touch with you cliched romantic side.

Listen: frou frou "letgo" cause theirs beauty in the breakdown.

Truelove.

See you on warped tour. Come over and say hey.

June 22, 2005

Warped tour is so hot. I've been eating icees and popsicles like they are going out of style. I love all the smiling, sunburned faces. Number three on TRL? This blew everyone away. We thought we might make it out on there but never guessed we could have gotten that far up. We talked about it all night on the bus. We have to find a way to repay you guys, something special. We're coming up with some ideas, just to let you guys know how much your support means. Stay tuned for that. Keep voting if you can. Otherwise go outside and play in the sun. We've been hangng with mcr and fftl a lot, teaching them how to go outside before it gets dark. Its funny.

Xo

June 23, 2005

From the bottom of our blackened hearts. Thank you for making us number one on trl. Its hotter than hell in dallas right now and we want to go to a waterpark. Koreantom cruise isn't helping it go down though.

We always knew how you felt. Now the world knows.

Honestly. Beaming from cheek to cheek.

June 25, 2005

lovers. from room 911 of a holiday inn next to the warped tour in houston. i apologize for being out of touch. the internet is not easy to come by here. i hate the sun. it seems to hate me as well. but i love being on Warped tour. been hanging with lots of old friends and some new ones too, definitely talking about some upcoming tours.

after seeing us as number one on TRL i was reminded of something that happened to me on last years Warped tour. I was standing in line for catering where all the bands eat and happened to bump into a member of a huuuuuuge punk rock band that i will not mention. i felt dumb and said i was sorry. but for whatever reason the guy didn’t like how i looked or like my band or whatever and said “you shouldn’t even bother wait in line to eat, you don’t deserve to be on the warped tour and you’ll always be a second stage band”. it made me feel like shit. i left the line and just started walking away to be on my own. as i did, someone from another equally huge punk band ran over and said “fuck that shit. get back in line”. and i mumbled something about feeling sorry for myself. and he said

fuck that. lets just say that you are a second stage band for the rest of your life. could you look in the mirror and love what you did?”. and i thought about it. and i came to terms with it. now this isn’t something where i’m trying to rub anything in anyones face. in fact its quite the opposite. i realized that i loved our band no matter what happened to it. if youve seen the movie rushmore you know what i mean when i say “fall out boy is my rushmore”. its the only thing i have really believed in, in a long time. it makes my heart beat. playing the songs makes me feel alive. yeah, i come off as depressed and blue all the time, but the stage washes that all away. whether we are number one on TRL or not even on Mtv.

that all being said. i was talking on IM with a kid the other day when we were number two and she said “don’t worry, we’ll get you to number 1”. it seems like such a simple thing but it almost made me cry. a fan who cares enough about me and every member of this band to feel like they owe it to bring us to number one. like they were paying us back. it made my day. i can’t tell you the gasp i felt when we heard the news. we figured taking off 25 percent on our merch store isn’t alot to do but it’s the best we could think of. soooo again Thank you!!! every single person who ever believed in us was vindicated in that moment. you shook the world alittle bit, but it was amazing. please keep it up.

bring your sunblock and water, and maybe a couple of yellow flowers.

xo

06/25/05 Q&A

answer

“kisses on the necks of just friends” kinda sexy dont you think. like if my friend was say william beckett that would be really sexy.

question

id just like to clarify that no one could pull off sideburns like patrick, i mean cmon, whats wrong with you people?..oh and pete, hows it going?

June 26, 2005

Warped tour is hottness. As are you.

Also, we have noticed a crazy amount of fake myspace accounts for each of us. NONE of us a personal myspace account.

We have also noticed a lot of people selling our autographs online. Don't support this. We promise that you can get our autographs at shows. Don't waste your money online. We will however later on this summer be putting some items that you cannot get anymore from early in our career as a band on ebay as a charity for our friend andrew from something corporate. So keep your eyes open.

Thanx love.

June 28, 2005

Amazing new mexico sunset. I'm hanging on a bridge with my friend mikey way from my chem. Its all orange and pink above us. We went to another waterpark again. I love high fives again. Totally back in love. Saw the most amazing movie... I think its called spirited away. Watch it.

Oh yeah. Keep voting. Kelly clarkson fans think they're better than ours. It kinda gave us a chuckle. For real. Total hiphop beef. We've got our money on you guys. Keep the votes up! You guys are amazing. Hugs and highfives forever.

Peterpan

06/30/05 Q&A

question

hey pete, do you belive in god? and congrats to you guys for being on TRL so long. and one more thing when are you guys coming to San Antonio again last time you guys came it was my sisters b-day. Bye, Sami

answer

im not sure what i believe. i would like to believe that there is something bigger making all these coincidences happen. i want to not be alone.

question

how come that me and my friend voted two hundred times in two days to beat strung out ass in the energizer contest and you didnt play ten more minutes in montreal by the way im glad you have come here and the show rocked

answer

i dunno. we didn’t get the extra ten minutes.

question

did mikey rub it in your face that they were number 1 on trl on friday?

answer

me and mikey are in a gang called the sweet little dudes. there is no competition. we are happy when our friends are doing well.

question

When I wake up in the middle of the night, I sing your songs in my head to fall back asleep, what do you do to go back to sleep?

answer

i put on the new panic at the disco record.

question

what do you do when your becoming something you hate and you never wont to be. Please help me. Brittany

answer

its never too late to turn it all around. thats the best thing about being alive.

question

Do you think if some big fan at warped tour just randonmly came up and humped Andys leg do you think he would care?

answer

nah andy is pretty easy going.

question

Pete, is it true that you dont drink alcohol

answer

only xmolotovcoktailsx

question

hey pete, who came up with the idea for the flipbook album edition thing? cause its awsome

answer

the rats that live inside my brain.

question

Patrick and Andy are so sexy!

answer

true.

question

Peter, what is up with the sudden emo scented journal entries. i mean, i /we just dont want you to be sad anymore. ::internet hugs::

answer

im just being a baby.

[crayondinos]

okay so i just kinda want to word vomit/rant a little and the only person who would be okay with that is like SUPER busy rn now so i don't want to bother them

i've been volunteering for the parks system the next county over and it has been awesome! i haven't told any of the people about the jw stuff and my mom hasn't joined me so they all just know me as an awkward homeschooled kid! i'm terrified of mom or dad telling them about being jehovah's witnesses and ruining what i have going. this is my only connection to the outside world since none of my job applications have gone anywhere and if i lose it...

speaking of the job stuff, i got told that the parks director might want to hire me!!!! most of the jobs available want you to have a drivers license and i'm waiting to get mine till i turn 18 (only 4 months till then btw) so we don't have to pay for classes cause its like 500 dollars.

i have a part tonight. i'm sick of this. i wasted several hours of my life working on it. the worst thing is, well the two worst things ig are 1: i am really proud of how good it is and 2: i'm looking forward to maybe being told that i did good. the last talk i did the chairman said i did 'incredible'. he said it from the stage and i really liked it. i hate that i liked it.

i hate all i have to do to keep up the appearance of being a good jehovah's witness. i hate doing service three to four times a week and doing my bible reading -actually i kind of enjoy the studying but i hate that i have to do it to avoid suspicion- and i hate having to be "neutral" and i hate having to pretend to agree with everyone's political views despite the fact that we are supposed to stay neutral! LIKE NO MR. BROTHER MAN I DONT GIVE A SINGULAR SHIT ABOUT WHOS IN OFFICE RIGHT NOW BECAUSE IM NOT FREAKING SUPPOSED TO!!!!!!! i hate that i seem to be the only one acting the way jehovah's witnesses are supposed to when i don't even believe this stuff.

there was a bible study, we'll call them R, who started coming to the congregation my family goes to and mom got really attached to them. then R blocked the person studying with them, my mom and numerous other people. I never got their phone number. R stopped their study. my mom cried alot about it. i had to pretend to be sad but in reality i was so freaking happy. they had just graduated high school and they had short cut purple hair and lots of ear piercings and they did marching band. they gave such gay vibes but i have no idea if they are. we ran into R at the grocery store after the meeting a few weeks ago and they were polite as was mom. mom avoided saying anything about the meeting to make us seem more approachable i guess? thats how she explained it later to me in the car. mom waited until we had walked far enough away and then hugged me, hard, when she pulled away her eyes were wet and i felt like a piece of shit for not caring about what had upset her.

i have a car, my aunt moved across the world to be a need-greater and she gave it to me. i'm paying her back by selling some stuff for her.

i don't like myself. i inherited both my parents anger. i feels like the anger twisted together to create a person whose muscle fibers and bones are made solely from hatred, hatred for others, hatred for myself, hatred for life and for death. hatred for almost everything. i don't want to be shunned by my family. i love my family just as much as i hate them. they are everything to me but i can't live in this awful religion forever. i can't serve a god i despise for my whole life. i can't tell people they will see the people they love alive again when i don't believe it. i can't pretend to agree with the hatred this organization is practically weaved with. im so fucking scared. i'm scared of my family hating me, of my mom, dad, little sisters and little brother not talking to me again. i know my dads not going to live for more then a decade. he has so many health problems. i hate that at his funeral i most likely will not be able to talk to anyone, i know that i will be disfellowshipped once i leave. i'm queer and planning on committing so much "serious sin" and i'm not going to be sorry, not one fucking bit.

i would kms if i wasn't such a coward