#this is how im pulling up to the function
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maki i beg you to write rin and s/o that also has sibling issues.. like not the "oh my sibling also left me lolol" issues like.. they're always gonna be in their sibling's shadow no matter what they do.. and their sibling absolutely hates their guts.. please..
I THINK I’VE SEEN THIS FILM BEFORE
— rin itoshi x reader with sibling issues
on behalf of older siblings, i side with sae :x
— rin itoshi
rins having one of those moments where he’s rethinking everything,,, like, he starts rethinking all about the times he’s been harsh to you. lowk start feeling bad :x
he’d try to be nicer. keyword: try. if you’re doing something braindead stupid, hes still gonna call you out hahaha
he’ll be more encouraging—ish… whenever you’re half-assing something (like example studies…), he wont be as harsh as he is with like bachira and the top 3… he’d go like “cmon… you know how to solve this. …do you need a hint..?”
and if on the very un-rare occasion, you do something that pisses him off, he would… do nothing! i know, shocking. he lobs u after all <3
this is only like… 1/4 because he feels bad for you and how your family’s treated you, and 3/4 because he wants to become the person he wanted sae to be.
hehe its actually pretty healing for the both of you. sometimes if the atmosphere is light and kind enough, you might even get him to smile a little bit :x <3
12:45. and you and rin were still up, studying for your math exam tomorrow.
“ugh..! i cant do it, rin. i don’t get it! y’know what? ill just fail..!” you frown, head in your hands. rin sighs. he really wanted to go to sleep, but he promised you that he’d help you prepare, and he has to follow through.
“d—ugh… dont be negative. i know you’ll be able to pass.” he pats you on the head. “do you wanna… review the concepts one more time, and solve one more problem before bed? i can help you study one more time in the library, okay?” he offered.
“mm… i need a breakkk..!” you groan. a break would mean having to stay up later… “i… fine… i need a break too…” rin groans. “..! what the hell does that mean..?!” you lash out at him, face pouty with a frown.
“…im joking. but, i am getting tired…” he says. he takes note of your guilty face. “i… sorry for keeping you up, rin… after this, you can sleep…”
fuck.
that face was making him feel guilty. “i didn’t mean it like that. im just saying its late, and you need to sleep early if you want your brain functioning.” he rested his hand on your shoulder. “cmon, let’s take a five-minute break and get back to this. okay?”
you nodded.
1:36. you were finally done, and much more confident than you were an hour ago. “yes, i got it!” you cheered. rin’s lips curled up at your enthusiasm. “it’s late now. get plenty of rest, okay? don’t panic, and just do your best.” he says.
you look at him like a child at their new pet; full of adoration and affection. you quickly ambush him with a tight hug, causing rin to wheeze out, the air in his lungs being kicked out in an instant. “ack..! ghh..! l..let me go…” rin heaves.
eventually, you do let go, choosing to move to a looser hug around his neck. “thank you, rin…” you smile. something in your gratitude stirs rin’s heart. as if the past was gone, and all that was left was the future.
“i..it’s no problem, okay? just go rest already, you need sleep…” his words and body language conflicting; his words pushing you away, and his hands pulling you closer as his lips find the crown of your head. he reluctantly lets you go sooner or later and helps you to clean up the various papers and textbooks.
as rin puts away his belongings, you cuddle up with him. “my favorite private tutor…” you snicker. rin rolls his eyes. “private tutor? that implies im getting paid to do this for you…” he frowns. “what?! my payment is my love for you..! isn’t that enough..?!” you argue back.
rin tried to hide the laugh that comes from his throat, but it’s quite obvious from the smile on his face. “…fine, i guess so. but, a little more loving wouldn’t hurt either.”
#haha not proofread i die like my cutiepie kuons career#blue lock x reader#blue lock#bllk#bllk x reader#bllk x you#bllk fluff#rin itoshi#rin itoshi x reader#rin itoshi x you#rin itoshi x y/n
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crying accidentally deleted @kennys-parka-jacket 's ask but they were literally going to put me in a bag
im emotional this would be us
[creds to @wanrikysp for the art]
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stress and pressure from his new position got him cutting bangs
#how i pull up to the function after saying im fine.meme#hotd spoilers#criston cole#hotd#house of the dragon
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i’m gonna sound stupid for saying this but i’m acc very upset that real life is keeping me away from being a loser here 😔
#suki rambles#i’m barely at home anymore with how much i spend time outside... and i just wanna sit down and WRITE#but as soon as i come home i’m just so exhausted from studying and travelling that i pushing out a 1k fic-#-which would normally be so easy for me feel so impossivble now#and now i just stare at my wips feeling disappointed in myself that i’m too tired to work on it#me staring at my vampire!kita fic 😔#me staring at my lemurian! rafayel fic 😔#the younger me could’ve stayed up and pulled an all nighter to finish a fic but now i just could NEVEERRRR#i need my 8 hours of sleep or i won’t function for a whole day#and i feel so horrible too that i’m so behind on replying to everyone 🥹#DTD TOO BRUH like i was so dedicated in updating every week but when im FINALLY at the last chapter thats when i get so busy ugh#like i don’t wanna be hard on myself bcos i have written a lot and also this is just a hobby but thats the thing!!#i feel like i’m so busy with adult things that i don’t have enough time for writing (which brings me joy) and i’m sad about it lol#big sigh.#tw: rant
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sketches for sleight's van, the Magicmobile ^_^
#I had a lot of fun designing this!!!!!#i used the volkswagen kombi van as the base model and drew inspiration from modded cars with high rides#to kinda mimic those old horsedrawn caravan wagons.. i tried to keep functionality in mind so the tire covers on the chassis have#grips for where you would put your feet if you were to get in the drivers seat kinda like those huge freight trucks.. and since the ride#height is a little high theres a pool ladder attached to the back to mimic a caravan and to help ppl get in from the back#also exciting coming up with the stage side door.. i dont know exactly how it would work but i imagine the handle at the top#has to be turned and pulled in order to set up the stage.. and then theres a locking mechanism to keep it in place..??#theres also a stage curtain right behind the door where sleight would come out to do his performance so thats fun!!!#i dont have much to say abt the interior except i forgot to include the ladder which would help reach the skylight#the skylight is a little domed and i riffed that off the kombi camper too but its to contain his butterflies before and after shows ^_^#the hatch is inspired by the net stormdoor at my aunts house.. kinda like chicken wire?? and then there are flowers and pupae#idk if im ever gonna get around to coloring this but im happy finally getting my ideas down and turning it in my head lol#my art#myart#my oc#oc#sleight#concept art#interior#laikas comet oc#fan character#doodles
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Fucking love the idea of the chassis being an amplifier because you kinda get the best of both worlds from the whole chassis theory argument where wheatley's still being influenced but you keep the complexity of his character intact, plus you get the double whammy existential crisis of being driven to do horrible things but still having to deal with the fact after you come to your senses that no matter which way you look at it was still all you. In this essay I will
Ignore the giant rant in the tags its 1 AM
#portal#portal 2#wheatley#bc like the chassis definitely AFFECTED wheat man. but i think that some people it was like mind control??? and nah its more like#someones being a big asshole to you and you half-jokingly go in your head “im gonna kill this person”. because you're genuinely that annoye#but you dont actually do it bc obviously you shouldnt and you were never intending to actually do so.#yeah imagine if you actually DID that#you HAD that thought. you FELT that anger.#and the only thing that you needed to pull the trigger on that gun was a little push over the cliff. and you put yourself on the edge of it#imagine that and thats how i see that#a lot of the stuff wheatley blurts out in the chassis is from like a genuine place too#he sounds genuinely hurt#genuinely angry and sad and confused#hes genuinely THAT upset.#plus there are even points where he seems to be enjoying his time in the chassis.#he does these goofy villain lines and laughs at the thought of you fucking dying#obviously the chassis is a terrible thing to be in and the bad moments outweigh the good but nontheless.#this seems less like straight up direct control#or just him functioning normally#this sounds like what happens when you remove a very fucked up man's inhibitions and just let him go apeshit#because lets be real. wheatleys always been slightly unhinged. just in the funne haha tumblr way up until that point#he smashed a window casually and briefly laughed while a bunch of turrets were being thrown into a fire#hes not exactly evil either but hes definitley not like#okay#i mean we all knew that look at the fucking boss battle lines but#anyways the point is i fucking love the implications of that#the existential crisis that would cause#imagine going through that and having to question like#what was you? did you really want all of that? did you ALWAYS want it? where does the chassis begin and you END?#GODDDDD that headcannon goes so hard
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love when this is referred to as the gifted kid website. shockingly my mental disorders made me mentally disordered and school never really vibed with that so. couldn’t be me
#ppl always talking about their whatever grade reading level and how many books they’d read as kids and im just over here like🧍🏽#I’ve never been actually bad at english or reading but I couldn’t focus on reading books to save my fucking life#I hated those sheets where you had to read like a certain number of books or whatever over the course of a semester or the year or whatever#my GATE test scores for english were super high but my math was bad enough that I never qualified#and adhd made me not even perform well in English half the time because I couldn’t pay attention I couldn’t read long books I couldn’t turn#in my assignments or if I did they were late and etc etc etc#don’t get me started with math#I was the worst in my class in third grade at minute math and never made it to the levels of minute math my classmates did#(they posted results on the wall for everyone to see)#and in 6th grade I was put into an additional remedial math class#throughout middle-high school I was at the level of most classmates in terms of the classes I took but that’s only because I was not allowe#to fail and was put through absolute fucking hell with a billion tutors and grueling hours of extra work from them and blah blah blah#like I remember how I felt in those tutoring sessions and half the time I actually wanted to cry.#I didn’t start doing solidly genuinely Good in school until senior year of high school.#not coincidentally around the same time I started taking adderall I think#I had accommodations by 9th grade but they didn’t do that much except for the function that let me turn in assignments up to 2 days late#without penalty. which i had teachers question sometimes and i had to pull the Yeah it’s Literally Against The Law to not allow me this car#anyway. point is. i was never in the gate program and most of my friends were and it was mostly adhd related#adhd is considered such a quirky nothing disorder nowadays that I don’t even like mentioning I have it really. because what people think of#when I say the term is Not what i actually dealt with and made school torturous and made my parents lash out at me for things and etc etc#depression and dysphoria did not help either. but I digress#I’m not sure why im making this post#kibumblabs
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mannnnnnnnbb fuck November I’m so tired of feeling lonely in my own life.
#lee’s bullshit#even being in [redacted] will not save you from the depths of November#trying to remind myself things are always changing and I can’t stop putting myself out there but I am tired.#what I am doing clearly is not enough in any respect and I am tired of feeling so worn to the bone all the time.#huge social miss today at the function. woke up late and ruined the schedule. couldn’t make a clear decision on dinner.#haven’t found a replacement roommate. haven’t finished my portfolio. haven’t applied to internships. haven’t finished my final project.#behind on everything and with every step I take I get pulled further and further backwards.#my roommate is graduating early and i feel like it’s my fault.#i shouldn’t blame myself for someone else’s bad behavior but im still beating myself up for being a cause for it.#my other roommate wants to move out to live on her own next year.#also blaming myself for that even tho its always on me to fix the mess of housing every damn semester#I’m just so tired of feeling like I’m not doing enough and even when I am that it just simply doesn’t matter.#saw one of my friends today but only for an hour. texting the group is like sending a blind pigeon out in a gale.#I know that things will get better but it’s just so hard . if someone genuinely asked how I was doing I could cry on the spot.#none of my friends are close enough anymore not at home not at school not in my family. there’s nowhere to go.#just tired. Going to go to bed soon. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.
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maybe that duck finally realized that running a minecraft server with a massive fanbase including performative chronical online fans and functioning it as a brand business paying salaries to the employees are never as easy as what he thought and only collecting leasons from following someone shadow footprints will never make you realize how risky it is until you are in their shoes.
#like do i feel bad when he almost had a mental breakdown right in a livestream ? not really but soft of#but at the same time do i feel he doesn't deserve all of those oppression ? no#he made his own bed he legitimately invited himself into this mess which could have prevented in the first place#he was the one cutting the relationship with the rest of his former friends#he was the one hiring all of the mod volunteers he was the one making those “ there is no war in ba sing se ” rules#he was the one functioning this Minecraft server as a business company not a passion project#he was the one building up this fanbase - the oppressed fans willingly doxxing and threatening ccs and other fans#he cannot pull out ' i barely caught up anything ' when it comes to paying salaries to other mods#because he made the damn principles applied to every mods how tf he can forget ?#not to mention he (used to) study laws ?? commercial laws ????#and when he fucking cried and talking about wilbur and sobbed about he was no longer in the server#yet none of supporting statements toward to shelby were made like okay bro im sure being a blind-eyed man must be tough for you last year#like what he even expected ? this is what happened if you silenced your voices and permitted your fucking fandom swept all of its issues#either he need to change or the damn server will go down to the pit hole#/neg
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going to be established with a pcp for the first time in my adult life this afternoon and as unlikely as it is part of me is trying to work out what 4d chess i could play to get medication that fixes my brain jn some way
#probably none. maybe i can secretly play 'subliminals to make you prescribe adhd meds' from my phone the whole time#avpost#i mean i think itd be easy to get antidepressants but im like can you give me something so i can like#focus and have a functioning frontal lobe and maybe even actually remember things?#considering how stressful monday was as i caught up on 5 different things due in september which i knew about all month#but was physically incapable of remembering unless i was in my car so as soon as i left the car i kept fucking forgetting.#until i literally pulled over on sunday and set a calendar reminder and even then on monday almost filtered the reminder#out of my mind anyway.
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#ever sit like a corpse in your own body?#im doing a job i wasnt designed for. theres this funny thing we do in academia where we beg for money. write in consise phrasing why we#deserve funding. what it is about our project what it is about our personhood that makes us deserving. what we're doing in our present to#give back and ensure a better future. and i can pull together a description of a nervous kid who couldn't read but loved to learn anyway.#who didnt kno how to hold proper a conversation until college and so tried and got better at ppl. who wouldnt let a language problem get in#the way of information gain. who cares about making complicated info visually digestible. and that's a nice story. but it falls apart when#projected into the future. what r u doing for the future? im just trying to continue existing#dont u want to help other ppl like u? sure but i dont have anything nice to say to them. does it ever get easier? no. it probably never will#ur brain was not built for reading. sometimes things r just terrible and u have to accept that. develop a crippling mental disorder or do#something where u dont have to read. see. not helpful. bad attitude. im just too full of blood and broken glass. all my achievements r#stained red and it hurts to look at them. to get myself to function i have to squeeze so tight i can feel the strain in my head. and even#then its not enough. do u kno what its like to spend ur whole life building something only to watch it burn to ashes in front of u? just a#broken machine rotting away underground where no one will see it. but dont let things fester. speak up if somethings wrong. and say what?#lmao i wrote this last night and then today when my advisor was like: hows it going? do u feel like u have enough time to get everything#done? and i had the gall to be like *voice strained high to prevent crying* its alright i think ive got enough time. bc yea technically i#think there r enough hours in yhr day that if i really tried i could get it all done. but that doesn't count the time i spend laying with#thr absolute desolation of my mind. so no. there isnt enough time bc im not doing well. but there's nothing he can do abt it so ya kno#whats the point in talking abt it except to say ya sorry im such a wretched miserable person. i dont kno how to fix it. my enthusiasm is#hidden under layer upon layer of pain. i burnef out before even getting here and im only making it worse#but whatever ill see my therapist Tuesday#unrelated
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i hate the passage of time genuinely i feel sick thinking about my exams this week
#auri rambles#im generally fine when im swinging at deadlines and labs but as soon as exam season hits and the time is unstructured#i become an academic slug. im caught up w the coursework and im almost done making my everything cheat sheet to take into the room#but i still need to do a bunch of practise questions oh god oh fuck#and i still dont know how to pull myself out of bed :(#and i hate knowing that im going to have to pretend to be okay in front of my relatives when i visit them at the end of the year#unfortunately flying 'home' fills me with dread and i havent fully recovered from what happened in january#yeah hiii school's going JUST GREAT i love it so much and i am a functioning adult woman (twists smile) and am doing well#because i am just as smart as you think i am and just as happy as i ought to be. no i dont plan on becoming a doctor.#if i have put on weight please do not make me your conversation
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God I have an entire week off for the first time in my adult life so obviously I'm taking full advantage and drank an entire bottle of pink Whitney bc in an idiot and i fucking forgot how heavy vodka makes my teeth feel and that's really cramping my style >:(
#teddy talks#personal#to delete later#i have to pack to move house tomorrow but also. first time ive had a week off literally ever#ofc im getting drunk/high every night i dont gotta wake up in the morning my time is my own#yes i have to pull one shift on fri but thats still 4 days in a row off which ive never had ever#short of my nyc vacay but that doesnt count i was driving 6+ hrs every day and also dealing w my neurotic family. the same family#that gave me an incurable case of 'severe cptsd. how do you function day to day?' idk patti. idfk.#patti was my therapist btw years ago. my therapist said that to me lmao#so yeah first actual string of days off in#forever actually. ive been working fulltime since 14 thats am entire decade since ive had 2+ days off in a row#that weren't spent carting my sister around#fucking magical is what this is#yes i still have to pack and move an entire house but also#i have all this time to myself? and i can play music i like out loud for the first time in my entire life#and dance and sing along and not worry abt obligations to other people#im having A Lot Of Fun thanks for asking :))
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i can never show my face to my peers again
#speculation nation#DONT LOOK AT MEEEEE i am so sorry#me just staring at this having no real idea how to do the fucking. image file transfer. much less Threading.#i do have the if statements set up. that's basic coding though.#im just very sleepy and i have only 2.5 more hours and i need to have the images set up at the MINIMUM#bc that's the core function of this. the threading doesnt necessarily matter. it's the Images that decide it#god im so tired. ugh.#whose bright idea was it to save this to the last minute and then pull an all nighter#and then not even use the all nighter to work on their code?#oh right. it was me.#what did i do instead? Well. talk about my fanfiction. plan about my fanfiction. reread my fanfiction. talk about my fanfiction some more.#trigun U have done bad things to my brain. very bad things. i am deceased. perished. dead on the side of 70#floating face down in the bog. im duck food now.#responsibility is only a facet of a dream for me. and i am oh so tired.
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i once accidentally dated someone for a few months. its very difficult to explain how this happened, but the gist is that i thought we were hanging out, and she thought we were on dates, and it was just a very painfully highschool thing.
she was a little bit confused that i hadnt tried to pull any moves, at all, even a little. like, didnt even try holding hands because, and i cannot emphasize this enough, i did not know we were dating.
so, halloween rolled around, and she thought, you know, why wait for destiny, when you can grab it? so she hit me with a clue by four.
babylon, she said. babylon. my mom's gonna be out of town on halloween, and im gonna have the house to myself, and it's going to be kind of lonely. would you like to come to my house and watch scary movies with me?
you know, kind of a netflix and chill thing. except, and i cannot emphasize this enough, i did not know we were dating. also autism. so i took it at face value and said: oh! yeah! thatd be fun! and she thought she got her point across, but she didnt and it was a mess.
skip forward to halloween: my family has a block party every year, right? and at that point i was too old to really trick or treat, but we still wore costumes for our role in the block party, which in my case, was handing out cotton candy. so i took the first shift, and my costume was this homemade abomination minion thing. i had full yellow body paint, and goggles, and a bald cap, and overalls. the kids who saw it were like, uh, hm. overly realistic minion. and adults were like, oh, some kind of hills have eyes hillbilly with jaundice. very scary.
(it was not my best costume.)
my little brother swapped me out for second shift, and i was getting ready to change out to head to her house when i was like: no, she'll get a real kick out of this. this is one of the worst things i have ever worn. so i kept it on and just brought a change of clothes thinking i could shower real quick and change at her place after she saw my nightmare getup.
so i left after that, got there, knocked on her door, and she said come on in. so i went in, and there was this very long hall with an abrupt right turn into her living room where the tv was, and i went down the hall, and i made the turn, and my field of view went from beige drywal to her, on the couch, naked. naked in the paint me like one of your french girls pose. super naked.
i panicked. this was my first time seeing a real person like, full on sex naked,which is a totally different beast from other kinds of naked. you see one kind of naked and you think yeah, im ready for all the kinds of naked, but you arent. i wasnt at least. i really wasn't.
so my brain crashed to BIOS. she also crashed to BIOS, but for different reasons. of all the ways this could have turned me, having me show up in yellow body paint and overalls was pretty pretty low down the list.
so we sat there a while, and you know, she wasn't getting any less naked, which really wasn't helping me get my brain sorted out. it really wasnt much of a surprise when she got her bearings first and started asking questions.
"babylon," she said. "babylon. what are you wearing?"
and i was like, kind of rebooted, but i was nowhere near full functionality, so symbolic language wasnt loaded in yet. i had nothing running but my trusty autism.exe, so i said
"overalls"
and she looked at me like i was the dumbest person in the entire world, and i looked at her like she was the first naked person i had seen in real life who got naked specifically for me, and my upper level cognitive process went: "listen man, we are not going to get our shit together as long as 80% of your brain power is devoted to not blinking. you gotta get out of here."
and if id communicated that, maybe things would have been less of a mess, but instead i just kind of turned around and walked back to my car. i figured i could drive a few loops around the block, get my brain in order, and figure out what the hell we were gonna do.
the only thing i had said to her since arriving was, again, overalls.
first loop around, i was like: oh god fucking damnit. oh shit. oh shit. shes gonna get like, an eating disorder from this. oh no.
second loop around i was like: oh NOOOOO oh WHAT THE FUCK oh SWEET JESUS PLEASE. i dont wanna go back man. i just wanna bury this and forget about it. please. please. let this bitter cup pass from my lips.
and after my third loop, i went and i knocked on her door again.
she answered it this time, and i counted my lucky stars that she'd changed into some pajamas. she was all teary eyed which was the saddest thing ever, and we sat down in her kitchen and talked. it was pretty bad - i figured out we'd been dating, and she figured out that trying to jump from home plate to 3rd base is considered ballsy in baseball, least of all dating. no real winners there. and i can remember after all that, we sat there a bit a bit longer, just steadying ourselves, and i was like "well, im actually really glad we figured that out. guess i'll see you at school tomorow' and she said "WAIT. wait."
"lets watch shrek 2."
so we did and it was horrible. we did not look at each other. we did not say a word. we just sat in stony silence, while shrek 2 played in the background, and when it was done we shook hands. i think we might have been able to salvage that as a friendship if it hadnt been for shrek. as it was she turned white as a sheet and ran away every time she even got a glimpse of me at school, and that summer she moved to a new state to live with her dad. all her friends said she moved just so she wouldn't have to go to school with me anymore, and i dont actually think they were lying.
every time i hear relationship counselors talk about how important communication is, and i'm tempted to roll my eyes, i look back and go, alright. alright. theres probably some poor bastard, somewhere in the world, who doesnt even know that hes married.
and god help him when he figures it out.
other bad dating story here.
#funny stories#dating#dating fiascos#minions#the minion incident#anecdotes#fuck shrek#and fuck shrek 2#like its the best in the shrek series but that movie is basically my trigger now
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#damien.txt#not to vent for the like 600 bajillionth time on here#bc im sure ppl are like omg shut up <3. but also maybe ppl are like omg more personal emotions to read.....#anyways. uhm. i just called in sick to work for like the 5th time since the semester started#and it really hit me that like. i won't be able to do this after this year. like if i pull smthing like this#i will actually just like. Lose My Job. im insanely lucky rn to have a job where i can just. take time off whenever#like literally my presence does not matter at all truly everything runs exactly the same whether or not im there#but like. wow. that's not a thing i will be able to do. very very soon in life#which means i need. help. like. Immediately. bc i always call out in relation to my mental health#and. AHHHHH <3#everything feels so bad rn. and like i Know i feel like this in the middle of literally every semester#but. man. it's so bad. i feel like. violently ill. that's how much mental illness there is rn#got diagnosed with some stuff recently and it's weird cause like. i feel More mentally ill now?#im obviously not. i think it's just like. being hyper aware of it now that my attention is on it#but man it's exhausting. i just wish i had like. a healthy mind. that could function. in literally any way#sigh. time to finally fall asleep at 6 am now that ive called out (<- words of a person making bad life decisions)
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