#why is it not fucking easy it should be fucking easy! why am i scared of everything!
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This is very similar to my experience pre realising and coming out as genderfluid and AuDHD. And while my trauma responses kept me bound in dysfunctional family and social relationships and I always gave a thousand shits what happened to them, my own welfare barely registered because during those times, I wasn't really anything I felt like caring about, inside. When I finally clued in, broke off an abusive relationship that had been going for ten years and started looking for why and how to start giving a shit about myself (at the time I started doing that to do better by my kid and it took a lot of help to gain momentum, for which I am grateful), that's when things incrementally started shifting.
Being your authentic self, the one not constantly bound by everyone else's labels and ideas of you, but messily bursting at the seams with new growth and knots of healing and fucked up but "real" days (thank you ADHD meds, I can finally do "reality", at least in my own way) makes you actually start to give a shit about your own life, in a weird way.
There's a difference between giving a shit because you're "supposed" to and shaming/boxing yourself into ill fitting actions/portrayals/behaviours because it's just what you've always done or been taught to do, and giving a shit because you *actually* do, practicing being curious and open and a whole lot of unsure and scared with what may actually apply to you. It's not easy, but it is definitely worth it, because I can definitely say, even on my bad days, I would choose my real self on a bad day over my performative self on a good day. And by extension, you're more likely to want to get back up and try again after a "real self" bad day.
I used to drink excessively, do drugs, make and be subjected to dangerous and unhealthy sexual choices, ride the "high" of life, be around people constantly to distract myself, on the daily, trying to feel something other than the feeling of not right, not this, not that, and made these things my "personality" as a way to mask the very real chaos in my brain and heart. The amount of time I had spent in a shut down or dissociation state over three decades has made a few of my previous therapists jaws drop or minds just blank out, trying to understand how that's possible, and still be alive, let alone moderately sane. (My understanding is that having learnt to mask my "undesirable" traits from such a young age so effectively allowed me to willfully enter a continued dissociated state and I simply set my body to auto pilot as a way to cope with my very real, very lived, and often very traumatic, experiences of never ending mental, emotional, sensory and even physical overwhelm) My funny, bubbly, "go getter" and stereotypical feminine physical and behavioral traits were desirable for others, I had off handedly moulded them perfectly for others, to fit into the adopted perceptions (and given understanding) of who I was "supposed" to be (which is the experience of many, but especially persons on the spectrum, but hey overachievers unite!), thanks to layers of childhood and adolescent traumas - emotional, physical, sexual, mental, neglect based, financial, domestic violence based, it's like ticking off a shopping list of terror and adrenaline that taught me, on a foundational level, how to give everyone except myself what they wanted or needed. And I learnt with the additional focus of autistic processing and pattern recognition and ADHD RSD and dopamine seeking. Everytime I did something others considered "right" or beneficial for them, but not healthy for me, was a dopamine release, and fuelled by my pattern recognition and masking skills, I hardwired this framework into what my understanding was of how life should be, and infact is, for "everyone else". I just wanted to belong and do life well so so so much. I didn't want to be easily overwhelmed all the time. I didn't want the world to keep speaking to me in the way it does and have no one understand. I just want life to be as easy for me as it seemed to be for everyone else. But having lived like that and comparing that to now, I realise, now, how close and how often I actually came to the point of insanity and death, but if you had told me what it was in the moment, I would not have believed you. "This is just my lived experience, "everyone" does and has had things like this happen", "I am same but better and worse" (such was my brainwashing, begun by my father and continued by me). That is exactly what it felt like. Like emerging from a cult mindset and not truly understanding the horrors witnessed as being horrors, because they were the norm.
Then I had my kid. My mental labyrinth started cracking. Started adult education. Started working in a field I'd never have even considered, initially. More cracks. Made friends. A hole was knocked into a few walls to allow their entry. Stared down the decade-long parasitic abuser in my life, into submission and retreat with never before felt uncontained rage and pure confidence in making a choice and drawing my first big line in the sand. Continued therapy. Walls started crumbling. Discovered and validated my identity. Those walls crumbled to rubble and dust. Got a diagnosis. Got medicated. Stopped drinking and fucking to cope. Continued messily trying things on in the newly cleared foundations and healing parts of me I didn't know needed love and complete redirection and renovation. Growing things in the space that were as alien to me as anything in the deep sea or in deep space. But still recognised by the universe that is my mind. More than that. It was (and still is) an unlearning and leaning in to authenticity. Continuing to fall a little bit more into a steady and consistent reality, that felt less chaotic, less big bang, less overwhelming, more affirming, more validating, more expansive, more inline with values I didn't know I had. And when you get to that point, reality, subjective and individual as it is, does come to feel more "real". My body, my mind, my heart and soul, more tangible. And when things feel tangible, when you can touch and taste and smell and start to love them, you start to give a whole lotta shit about what happens to you. So you make even more choices, you grow, you learn. But you learn in the aim of curiosity and self love now, instead of learning for the sake of survival. One can understand the utility in learning. But once you realise that now you're now learning for the sake of, and indeed the joy and peace of, growth and love, you fall a little more into the love of learning. And that's all a life well lived or made peace with is. Its understanding that learning, about everything, but especially yourself and growing through the experience of it like a tree through a brick wall, was the greatest joy of all. Doing so takes the path less traveled by, and that makes all the difference. Because look at you now. Doing things you never thought you'd love, or even get, to do, depending on how far back you go. Resting. Parenting. Showing up as your true self and being (sometimes clumsily) accepted and even sometimes celebrated and supported. Dude, I HAVE A CAT. That alone is mind-blowing, because if you had told my 5 year old self or my 29 year old self that I would have a cat, despite all the allergies and relative issues of financial, emotional and mental inconsistencies, I would have called you a liar and probably gotten upset at the thought of never being able to live up to my dreams, only my fears. But I did. I do. I have. I am. I will continue to. I may not know what all of them are, as yet. But hey, that's part of the process of self discovery. And I have discovered that I love to love and I love to learn.
You do you, it'll all come through. ✌️
Before I realized I was and came out as trans, or actually before I started medically and socially transitioning, I didn't really ever care about my life.
Everything felt temporary and not real. I could freely do whatever I wanted. I didn't care about the consequences despite also battling my debilitating perfectionism.
It was a double edged sword where my inner world didn't care and didn't feel real, but the outer world had so many expectations of me.
What I mean to say is, now that I am almost 3 years into my medical and social transition, it's been this gradual change of starting to care again.
I actually want to put effort into my life and figure out who I wanna be and how I wanna show up in the world.
I care about the consequences of my actions and I realize that I am an actual person with feelings and stuff.
Idk. I just actually care this time and maybe life does have meaning and maybe I am worth it and maybe things really will be okay after feeling hopeless for so long.
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fuck i really am a perfectionist FUCK
#i’ll just be sitting there thinking some shit like i wish i could find the Ideal Way to do Everything surely it can’t be that hard surely if#i just keep trying different things different self-imposed systems surely i’ll find one that will get me to do everything- ah lads#AH LADS NOT AGAIN!!!!#good that i’ve started noticing though#before i’d just have the thought#now i can actually realize when i have a thought that boils down to ‘if i try hard enough i can become perfect’#coughs. coughs very discreetly and awkwardly.#i will still keep trying to be the best person best musician i can but. how do i separate that from perfectionism? how do I JUST GO HOW DO#JUST LIVE?#computer search how to become a perfect being. i mean computer search how to become able to function on command#rather than forcing myself to do things#even if it’s. IM GONNA FUCKING SCREAM this is just like when i yelled at my friend in the practice rooms#i love her and we have good conversations but i think there we reached a point where we really couldn’t help each other anymore#not like in GENERAL just in that. i have my problems and I FUCKING KNOW what they are but. i don’t know! it’s just not art fucking easy!#why is it not fucking easy it should be fucking easy! why am i scared of everything!#is everyone scared of everything??????#I NEED A THERAPIST MOMENT NUMBER FIVE THOUSAND#i might not even need a therapist though maybe i’m just fucking growing up#BUT I’D LIKE TO NOT HAVE AN UNDERCURRENT OF FEAR ON ALMOST EVERY TIME#not every time i’ve gotten better but it creeps back like the water and im like oh you and then i#can’t pull the stopper why can’t i pull the FUCKIN stopper it’s right there it’d be so easy and#nothing repels me except something mysterious some the water the water repels me#just by being there the water will not harm me it will not affect me in any way and i know this and i fear the water#should i write a fuckin poem. lmfao.
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mighr skip creative writing class again . because i havent done my work and i feel like im dying . of thefucking. being alive
#text#i am three weeks into the semester and it is to the point where i will probably definitely need to start reachkng out to. someone . i dont#even know who. for help#cuz i cannot do this bro . too scared too overwhelmed by far#the work is just like. 2 write & have written something based on one of two prompts#500-800 words ish. its so easy#and yet i havent done it#bc i have been dealing with . The Traumas. and writing that stupid fucking title ix report#i should be getting credit in my classes for that . honestly .#why cant i just say sorry professor. all my writing energy rn is going towards recounting one of the worst days of my life#to be examined by a Neutral Third Party
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it's funny looking back @ a few months ago when we all collectively formed bc Rosie was like "oh yeah this guy probably won't be fronting much :)" like... ce was Unaware of fhe Future huh
#pk;m pain threshold🔴#I remember ce specifically said that about me like lmaooook girl you Wish. probably#ce WAS right abt a few of us though. Esrpit litchrally only fronts to steal candy#a handful of us still only front when our Namesake Skills are required#& then there's fucking hand/eye and savvy and we've all only seen them like once or twice so far#and we have zero idea what their front triggers are#h/e i assume is easy to guess the bastard is co-con when we make pokeblocks but that's it. savvy though scares me [hyperbole] 👍#anyways. anyways. it's all neat lile u never Know what'll happen .im not petty at all btw#im just like Lol lmao even. u thot i wouldnot be a required bitch here. and yet. i am#INEED TO SIT IN THE WATER hold on b#*bbl#idk why I'm so Talkative tonight. everyone in-sys is asleep rn#ihave no one to Speak My Thoughts at rn I should wake Concept up abt it He's fun to annoy . we like annoying Concept in this household :)#HFJCKXDKF
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to all you transphobic, misogynistic folks out there, i just wanna ask do you want the queer, or do you want cisgenders? make up your stars-damned minds already you fuckasses i would be perfectly content with being labeled a woman, labeled as being cis, if it weren't for the fact that the severe fucking pain i'm in MONTHLY was carded as nothing more than "just a consequence of being a woman" because it's because of my period. the pain that i am increasingly worrying will prohibit me from living my life, from having a steady job, is nothing but "part of being a woman" if that's just part of being a woman, then maybe i dont wanna be a woman! have you ever, for even a moment, paused to think about this? that maybe the time i spend daydreaming about being a different sex is all because you fuckers don't want to accept that some of us go through hell and you don't want to stop and give them a chance?
go fuck yourselves. i hate all of you.
#☼︎ rants#well i mean its neko so..#neko rants#i am so fucking scared of what the futures gonna be like for me#i have this stupid stupid organ in my stupid stupid stupid body that i want so badly to get rid of#because im scared i wont be able to get a job and support myself because i need to take a week off every fucking month to recover#because who's going to hire somebody like that?#and i have to sit here listening to people talk about their wonderful plans and being scared that i'll never live that life#and i can't even get recognized for this stupid disability that i should be able to get rid of easy-cake#because i'm “just a woman so i just have to suck it up”#i dont wanna suck it up!!#it makes me want to kill myself!! /srs#this is bad!! a random teen shouldnt want to kill themself because theyre “whining about being a woman”!!#not trying and pry attention from other people. dont ever think that please please please#i dont deserve to be in any sort of spotlight like that. i dont deserve the attention on me over the people who really need it#i just. i just need a shoulder to cry on#and all i have is tumblr and a few chat boxes between people who cant do anything but give encouragement#and people wonder what i could possibly mean by “i hate myself” and wonder why i could ever even think to write “i hope the gods smite me”#tw sui talk#tw sui ideation#i guess
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Can't wait until september when I have to be a real adult and live in a tiny dorm with a stranger and with zero friends or support :/
#i was supposed to die before i turned 18 what the fuck is this why am i still here#i know nothing about my roommate but her name but im already scared of her because were gonna be in close quarters and shell probs hate me#also i know ive got a good life and shouldnt complain but its all gonna fall apart#i have these stupid big plans that i have no motivation for and none of its gonna work out#why did i have to be smart why did i have to burn out in middle school why cant i just do shit that should be so easy#mike says words
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Fighting like vampires and dogs
Vampire x Fem!Reader x Werewolf
Bunni’s Monstertober Event
Oct 2nd
Oct 1
Oct 3
warnings: public sex, threesome, knotting, breeding, blood drinking, two ps in one v, possessive behavior
summary: You’ve been friends with the werewolf and vampire for a few years now, and they’re both head over heels in love with you… but they hate each other! It takes them saving you from a common enemy to realize sharing is caring…
🐺🦇🐺🦇🐺🦇🐺🦇🐺🦇🐺🦇🐺🦇🐺🦇🐺🦇
It wasn’t uncommon for your two friends to bicker over who got to spend time with you, but it was unusual for them to get so violent.
“I told you, this week she’s mine.” your werewolf friend sneered, bearing his canines as he stood on his haunches.
“And like I’ve said, I couldn’t give less of a shit about what a filthy mutt has to say. This week, she’s MINE!” your vampire friend retorted, hissing as his brown eyes turned red and his fangs extended, ready to sink into the wolf’s flesh.
“That’s enough!”
You smacked them both over the head, huffing. “You can both come with me to the club tonight! It’ll be fun, maybe you’ll even bond together.”
It wasn’t easy getting them to go out with you… ut the second you suggested going alone they were already picking out something to wear.
The two were protective, staying at your side and watching your short dress, making sure it didn’t ride up. Anyone that dared to look at you were emt with menacing glares and flashes of sharp teeth…
Despite them hovering over you constantly, all it took was a slight bump from the other to set them off.
“Fuck, don’t touch me, mutt. I’m only here for her, you should just leave.”
“Oh really? Why don’t I rip out your throat and show you how much a mutt I am?”
You attempted to stop them, but your pleas fell on deaf ears.
But after fighting for a bit, they were suddenly alerted to your cries for help. Even over the loud music and their own angry screams, they recognize recognize your scared voice.
“Angel?”
They made their way through the crowd, spotting you being cornered by a tall man. You were looking around frantically, relief spreading across your face when you spotted them.
Within seconds the man was torn away from you and stomped into the club’s floor. You chose to ignore the bloody remains, instead stepping over him and into your friends’ arms.
“Thank you…”
They realized then that no matter how much they hated each other, they loved you so much more. Your safety and happiness would always come first…
And that’s why they both grew hard against you, their hands traveling to your hips and thighs.
Soon you were back on the dance floor, squished between your two friends as they kissed you. The vampire bit down on your neck, drinking your blood as the werewolf rubbed his fat cock against your wert panties.
“W-what if they notice?”
They both nuzzled against you, the vampire dry humping against your fat ass.
“They won’t, the music is loud and everyone is focused on dancing.”
You yelped as your friend’s cock pushed into you, stretching out virgin hole. You were too wet to protest, knowing that after this night your relationship with your two best friends would be changed forever.
He tried his best not to knot you immediately. He had wanted this for so long, and all your werewolf friend wanted was to fill your belly was his cum and knock you up.
The vampire groaned, stroking his cock as he looked over your shoulder, watching the werewolf’s cock push in and out of you. Soon, you felt something else prodding at your hole, wanting access.
Two cocks were inside of you now, and you felt impossibly full. Maybe it was the blood loss, maybe it was love, but your heart was fluttering and so were your gummy walls.
You came around them, the werewolf quickly knotting you as they both came inside.
Both cocks were trapped inside of you, the vampire burying his face into your neck as his cock rubbed against the werewolf’s fat knot.
“Mmph… happy to see my boys getting along…”
Want a part 2? Send me a kofi and ask for it~
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NSFW TAGLIST: @sunset-214 @strawberrypoundtown @avalordream @icommitwarcrimes @bazpire @im-eating-rn @anglingforlevels @kinshenewa @pasteldaze @unforgettablewhvre @yoongiigolden @peachesdabunny @murder-hobo @leiselotte @misswonderfrojustice @dij-ology @i8kaeya @lollboogurl @h3110-dar1in9 @keikokashi @aliceattheart @mssmil3y @spicyspicyliving @namjoons-t1ddies @izarosf1833 @healanette @lem-hhn @spufflepuff @honey-crypt @karljra @zyettemoon1800 @exodiam @vexillum-moeru @imperfectlyperfectprincess1 @binnieonabike @enchantedsylveon @mysticranger575 @readeryn68 @danielle143 @kittenlover614 @filthybunny420 @annavittoria-mm @makimamybelovedwife @blubearxy @omglovelylaila @toocollectionchaos-universe-blog @fruk-you-usuk-fans @wil10wthetree @hammerhead96-blog @slightlyusedfloormat
#monstertober#cw breeding#vampire imagine#vampire x human#vampire smut#vampire boyfriend#vampire x reader x werewolf#werewolf x reader#werewolf imagine#monster fucker#monster lover#monster fudger#monster boyfriend#monster fic#chubby!reader#chubby reader#x reader#fem reader#fat reader#plus size reader#teratophillia#terat0philliac#teraphilia#terato#exophelia#monster fucking#monster oc#monster boy oc#monster bf#monster breeding
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Yay I'm going to get all Political and angry again.
So pretty much every trans American is probably aware of the Sarah McBride situation at this point, but here's the bullet point summary if needed for anyone else:
Sarah McBride gets elected to the House as the first transgender member of Congress in US history.
Republicans predictably flip their shit. They pass internal rules of conduct that prohibit trans people from using bathrooms of their gender and stating that bathroom use is defined by AGAB. It obviously singles out McBride, but I believe there are trans staffers that are also affected.
McBride issues a statement that she will abide by these rules, and pretty much only use the bathroom directly associated with her physical office. She issues a statement saying she "wasn't elected for bathrooms" and will instead fight in issues that matter, with a milquetoast criticism of Republicans for wasting time on this.
Many trans Americans are predictably scared and disappointed by this, especially because this internal house rule is being used as a blueprint for more extensive laws, including a likely ban on trans people in gendered bathrooms in all federal land and buildings (including, notably for me, national parks. Which breaks my heart, but that's a different rant.)
There's been a lot of disappointment and criticism of McBride over this. The general leftist reaction has been criticism. There's lots of people that have expressed disappointment or rage, including Erin Reed, and also more "personality" type people like Vaush and Jessie Gender.
Now.
I'm disappointed too.
But. And please keep reading before chewing me out for being an apologist.
I think we can all understand that McBride is in an impossible situation. If she fights this too hard, then it vindicates the Republican rhetoric that Dems are crazy trans obsessed leftists. But there's a fear that this will only lead to more infringements of rights for trans people. McBride is completely stuck, and is a junior, freshly elected member of Congress who is trying to figure out how to make her voice the most effective.
I am so, so fucking tired of rights being ceded one by one. So I'm disappointed. But yeah, I understand McBride's statement.
But there's just one tiny. Eeny weeny. Minor. Itty Bitty question having over all of this. Just one little concern.
Where.
The fuck.
Are the rest of the Democrats?!?!?!?
There is a PAINFULLY fucking easy solution to all of this. McBride needs backing, solidarity, and other people to speak for her. If she's worried about her voice being effective, and being branded as the crazy trans representative, then step the fucking up, you spineless liberal slimebags.
AOC is the only one that I know of that has expressed any real opposition or anger. Her statements are getting aaallll the airtime.
But the real story is McBride's sentiment being echoed amongst the entire party. This is absolutely some kind of official platform. The fucking grumbling, milquetoast finger waving and "well I don't like this, but there's nothing to be done! Anyways"
Of fucking course minorites are abandoning the left. The message they're sending is "we'll abandon you with the most pathetic of excuses. We don't give a shit." Trimming groups out of their support one by one.
McBride is doing the impossible calculus of trying to be the most effective on the house floor. It's an insane task for a trans woman. And yeah, she got it wrong this time. But where the fuck is the anger for her cis colleagues? Why the fuck aren't people angry and terrified for everyone that let this shit happen?
As much as people love the narrative of the line wolf resistor, resistance takes coordination, effort, and solidarity. Without that, what would McBride raising opposition even be? One representative against the hundreds of others.
And yeah, of course I didn't expect any better from the Democratic party. But you should be disappointed and mad at your representative, not just McBride.
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Until next time
Agathario x reader
The scene in the forest where Agatha delivered the baby is living in my head rent free and I just couldn't resist the urge to write an os about it. Rewrite, actually. It's my first Agatha's fic, so I'm pretty excited. Hope you guys like it <3
warning: angst, a touch of fluff
next chapter (time skip)
The baby’s soft cries echoed in the forest, as a reminder that a life has just begun, tender and innocent. Agatha was perched by a tree, only wrapped in a light and crumbled vest. Her cloak dropped somewhere a few feet away. The sweat and the pressure at her lower abdomen finally subsided, making her feel like she could breathe properly again. There was blood between her legs, staining her inner thighs, flooding and then drying out to her knees. Everything kind of hurt, her eyes were heavy, but her senses stayed alert.
“Move,” the Green Witch muttered in a placid order.
You looked into her eyes, slowly shaking your head, as you stood in front of Agatha, shielding her and the baby, “No.”
The witch felt a wave of relief wash over her when she heard your simple, yet categorical answer. She was in no condition to fight against Rio on this, despite the fire in her eyes and the weak magic already tingling her digits.
Rio sighed, “we aren’t doing this. You promised–”
“I know what I did,” you interjected, closing your hands into fists, “But I changed my mind. I am allowed to change my mind,” you pointed out, voice thick with emotion. You couldn’t bring yourself to say goodbye to a child you didn’t even hold in your arms yet. “I-I can’t let you take him,” turning around, your eyes focused on the baby’s tiny head peeking out of the little blanket Agatha wrapped him in. “I mean, he’s innocent. It can’t be his time…”
“My loves–”
“Just let him live,” Agatha interjected, her voice both exhausted and desperate. She never felt so scared before, “Please, don’t take him from me.”
When he clasped his tiny hands in her long wavy hair, her lips brushed against his head, “I love you,” she smiled, rocking him ever so gently, “I love you so much.”
Your heart melted at the sight before your eyes. Rio felt a slight indecision tugging at her chest. She never thought the first time she would hold her son would be to carry him in the afterlife. It felt cruel. It was cruel. But he was sick, he could feel his disease, hovering like a shadow around him.
“I’m not giving up. Not yet,” you insisted.
“You talk as if I didn’t wish for him to live,” Rio retorted in disbelief.
“Oh, spare us, Rio!” Agatha snapped. “You’re the Green Witch, it’s not like you’ve got no power at your disposal. And yet you’re choosing the easy way.”
Rio couldn’t believe her ears. “The easy way you say? Are you nuts? He is my son too, Agatha!”
You frowned at their bickering. Last thing you wanted was to indulge in this fight. This moment was supposed to bring joy to your lives. A child was born, your child for fuck’s sake. Why couldn’t you three be happy about it? Why couldn’t you cherish the moment? He was sick, but you could still try to save him. Work together to make it possible. You, Agatha and Rio weren’t common witches after all, and if there was someone able to find a loophole, it would be you.
“Then start acting more like a mother,” Agatha retorted, voice dropping in a whisper.
“It’s not my fault I’ve got responsibilities, Agatha. I never asked to be like this,” Rio’s voice wavered a bit, her heart thumping in her chest with painful insistence.
“My loves, please we shouldn’t–”
The sound of Agatha’s mocking laughter prevented you from finishing off that sentence. “What about the responsibilities towards our son? He should come first.”
“Our son is sick, and in order for him to live, many will have to die. It will cause absolute chaos.”
“So be it. All I care about is my son.” Her icy blue eyes sparkling dangerously as she said those words with force and a bit of selfishness.
You considered Rio’s words; a bunch of conflicted emotions passed through you. Rio wouldn’t say those things if she knew there was another way out of this. But maybe if she couldn’t find it, you could, if only you were granted more time to figure it out.
“If you take him, I’ll hate you forever,” she insisted rather calmly now.
“Agatha…”
Color drained from your face at those words. You knew she didn’t mean that. She couldn’t. When a muffled sound slipped from Rio’s lips, a mixture between a choked sob and a scoff, you drew closer to her, your hands immediately finding her cheeks. You weren’t supposed to pick sides. You were a family, and it should stay like that.
“She doesn’t mean it,” you said both softly and firmly, thumbs brushing against her cheekbones. She rolled her eyes and you took a firmer grip on her face, so that she would focus on your eyes, “Rio, listen to me, she doesn’t–”
“I do.” Agatha deadpanned, cutting you off.
You hissed, “Quiet, Agatha.”
Rio let out a quiet humorless chuckle, when the other witch grumbled something under her breath.
“We are just scared, my love. We want this child to live, we need him to, do you understand that?”
When your voice croaked slightly, her hands tangled in your hair and pulled you closer to her, “I know, baby. I know,” she cooed, getting lost in those wet lashes of yours.
You swallowed thickly, “I don’t want to say goodbye.”
She leaned in and brushed her lips right under your eye, her magic immediately mingling with yours. Your eyelids fluttered close and you let out a faint mewl.
“I can only offer time,” she said, once she pulled away, so that she could meet both yours and Agatha’s eyes.
You arched an eyebrow confusedly, “what does it mean?”
“How much time?” Asked Agatha.
She shrugged, as if she didn’t know or she couldn’t really say. Her behavior only served the purpose of making you more nervous. Crossing your arms over your chest, you knew that you’d have to use this time to master your own powers. To make sure that whenever Rio intended on collecting your son’s soul, you’d be ready to fight. Not her of course, but the process of Death itself. You were a necromancer witch, whose powers were completely opposite to Rio’s. While her job was to keep order between life and death, your powers could easily break that balance if you wanted to. Meaning that you could resurrect life forms.
“You know I’ll still try when the time comes, don’t you?”
Rio looked at you and despite your words, she smiled, “I know, love. Thought I’d hate you if you decided to interfere, but honestly, I hope you win.”
It was your turn to crack a smile in her direction. “It’s not a competition, Rio. All I want is to keep our child alive.”
She hummed, without voicing her concerns out loud, not wanting to add more to yours and Agatha’s shoulders, “You two will make a good job.”
You and Agatha exchanged a confused look, “you sound like you’re leaving us behind,” she trailed off.
When Rio averted her eyes, lips pressed in a thin line, you were sure you felt your heart shatter.
“No, she’s not-” you looked at Agatha, hoping to have got it all wrong. But when you spotted tears welling up in her eyes, you realized the truth.
“Rio, please, don’t do this–”
“I must. I can’t be seen around him,” her tone was sad, yet you could still feel the love filling each word. You kept shaking your head in denial. “Might be difficult to believe but there are women above me I respond to.”
“The Fates have no power if you don’t do your part,” Agatha pointed out, hoping to be right.
Rio smacked her lips in return. “It’s not that simple. Atropos, the eldest of the three, could give me a really hard time if I disobey.”
You clenched your jaw at her words. The thought of handing your son’s life in the hands of those crones made absolutely no sense to you. They shouldn’t be entitled to take the life of an innocent just like that. You were a necromancer witch, meaning that you could change things. For a long time you buried that part of yourself within you, because of the things you’ve been told all your life. Interfering with the natural order of the things was wrong; your power was an abomination, but at that moment, all those warnings sounded like bullshit.
Rio sensed your distress, her fingers brushed yours, “I’ll keep him hidden for as long as I can.”
Then she turned to Agatha and pointed at the baby in the silent, almost timid request to approach him. She still had to see him properly after all. Agatha nodded and moved the child so that he would face her, tucking a bit of the blanket underneath his chin to better expose his tiny face.
Rio brushed a strand of Agatha’s hair first, “you did amazing, my love,” she praised her, causing a light brush on the witch’s cheeks. She couldn’t quite believe she, you three created such a beautiful baby boy from scratch.
“Hi” she cooed, now focusing on the newborn. You leaned against the tree, the same tree Agatha was perched by, and looked from above the sweet interaction going on. Rio’s fingertips grazed over his tiny, perfect nose. “I can’t promise you a life devoid of challenges and pain, but I confide in your mothers to always make sure you’re happy and loved,” she lifted her eyes to meet yours and Agatha’s. A watery smile tugged at her lips, “And trust me, you’re so so loved already, little one.”
You wiped the corners of your eyes and so did Agatha.
“We should name him Nicholas,” she said after a moment of contemplation.
Knowing the meaning of the name, you felt like you couldn’t agree more on it, “Nicholas Scratch,” you added, “cause we made him from scratch.”
Rio turned towards you, while her fingers played with the baby’s tender little hands. “That’s perfect, my love. Isn’t it, Agatha?”
Agatha swallowed thickly, already mourning the loss of Rio, despite her being still there. She nodded, and then she tangled a hand in Rio’s hair, pulling her closer to her face. For a moment she only leaned against her forehead, inhaling her sweet scent of flowers. Then the Green Witch took the initiative and placed her lips on top of hers, savoring with extreme gentleness, the plumpiness of Agatha’s. You ran a hand in Agatha’s hair, fingers stroking her scalp to let her feel your presence too, while your eyes darted on Rio. When Agatha let out a choked sob in Rio’s mouth, overwhelmed by everything that had just happened in such a short time, the other hushed her softly, “it’s going to be okay.”
Neither you nor Agatha were sure about it, but you had no other choice than to believe her.
“Take care of your moms, Nicky,” she later added, placing one last kiss on his forehead and then on Agatha’s.
Once she stood up again, she focused her attention on you. In an ideal world, you’d be her enemy, because of the powers you possessed. And yet, against all the odds, you became her lover, one of the most important persons in her life.
“Don’t be sad…”
You nibbled on your inner cheek so hard you drew blood. With your arms crossed over your chest, you struggled to spill a single word because you didn’t trust your voice at the moment. Your entire body was shaking on the inside. Agatha never saw you look so fragile before. It felt like a stab in her chest to witness her family fall apart like that.
“You’re asking too much of me,” you kept your eyes down, focusing on the tip of your boots.
“Nena, look at me,” Rio tried to meet your eyes, but you purposefully kept it down, shaking it stubbornly and hopelessly. She smiled, feigning hurt in her tone as she continued, “You wouldn’t let me go without a proper kiss now, would you?”
Despite your best efforts, you let out a small watery chuckle at her playful teasing, “I hate that you’re doing this.”
“It’s for Nicky…” She said simply.
Agatha buried her face in the baby’s naked shoulder, finding comfort in his pure and unique scent.
“And I am sorry,” when you finally met her eyes, Rio cupped your cheeks, “so sorry you don’t get to be his mother. It’s your right to be.”
But Rio’s lips curled into a reassuring smile, despite her sadness. “Don’t be. I’ll get my turn eventually… and for now, I’ll be his–”
“Please, don’t say shadow,” you muttered, and that elicited a small chuckle out of the Green Witch. If you turned around you’d see Agatha’s lips stretch into a smile too.
“Guardian, then.”
You hummed and licked your lips, tasting the saltiness of your own tears in your mouth.
“Now come here, I waited enough–”
The witch pulled you closer with ease. Your body crashed into hers but it was okay because she was ready to hold you.
Agatha could see Rio’s face as she hugged you. She spotted a single tear slip down her eye and her stomach lurched. When you two pulled away, Rio took a few steps back, pulling the green cloak over her head. She lingered a few seconds to memorize the scene before her. You dropped on your knees and landed next to Agatha. Her head immediately lolled on your shoulder, and you turned yours to place your lips in her hair.
Rio waved softly, then blew a kiss to each of you, “Nos vemos, mis amores.”
You and Agatha nodded quietly, watching the Green Witch disappear before your eyes. Agatha let out a silent sob when she did; your arms immediately wrapped around her and the baby in a protective embrace.
“We will be fine, Aggs.”
When Agatha met your gaze, eyes full of hope and vulnerability, you took a mental vow to protect her and Nicky whatever the cost.
“Yeah,” she echoed with a smile you immediately reciprocated. She closed her eyes when you leaned in to brush your lips against her still clammy forehead.
When the baby started crying again, you two pulled away and focused your attention on Nicky. He looked rather pale for your liking, a little warm too. You knew what he needed and so did Agatha. You placed a tender kiss on his cheek, Agatha’s lips curling into a soft smile, while you did. Then you stood, hands on your hips, eyes roaming around your surroundings like a predator looking for its prey. You didn’t want to do this, but you were just a mother trying to keep your son alive.
When Agatha attempted to get up, you interjected, “stay here for now. Let me do the rest.”
Her expression shifted from confusion to worry, “You shouldn’t be doing this alone.”
“Agatha,” you merely rolled your eyes at that, “You just had our baby, I think it’s not the end of the world if you sit this one out,” your voice laced with a hint of playfulness despite the things you had to do. It’s not that you never killed before, cause you did. Not in cold blood though. You forced yourself into believing that it wouldn’t be much different. Once a wise person told you, a witch must do anything in her power to survive and there’s no shame in that. You were looking at her now, as her attention remained fixed on you.
“Be careful,” it was supposed to sound like an order, but the softness in her eyes betrayed her.
You chuckled lightly, “I always am,” you concluded, pulling the cloak up over your head.
#agatha all along#agatha harkness#rio vidal#wlw#agatha harkness x reader#rio vidal x reader#agatha harkness x rio vidal x reader#nicholas scratch#witches#angst and fluff#kathryn hahn#aubrey plaza
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OK, fuck it, I'll throw this idea out into the universe. Very, very rough. And I will never complete this story lmao ✌️ I was gonna do bullet points, but I am also incapable of making things easy for myself. 😔
Caleb/MC/Zayne love triangle AU where Caleb and MC had a secret relationship prior to chapter 4 that resulted in a pregnancy that won't be discovered until after The Explosion.
When U Come Back
All it took was one second for her world to disappear.
One moment she was speaking with Caleb outside Grandma Josephine's home, their conversation tensed because of a disagreement, and suddenly before she could even realize what had happened, she found herself crumbled on the floor, hearing flames crackling, the scorching heat like hellfire surrounding her.
There was an explosion. Her mind was in a frenzy as it tried to register the scene before her. Right, an explosion. Her hand was on the door handle. Caleb had gone in first and just as she was about to follow suit, she was blown back and now she lay there, her vision failing.
Caleb...Caleb...!
His necklace lay in front of her on the ground. No. It couldn't be.
Caleb!
She shakily reached for his necklace, grasping tightly as her consciousness slipped away.
When she regained consciousness later, she found herself in a hospital room.
Confused, completely disoriented, she barely registered the tears running down her face until the door opened and Zayne walked in, his eyes widened in concern.
"Doctor...Zayne...?" She still hadn't realized her cheeks were wet with tears, only being able to focus on the heavy pounding in her chest. "I...I had a bad dream...why...why am I here?"
Zayne drew in a breath. He steadied his own breathing, mindful of his tone as he questioned her gently.
"Do you not remember anything that happened earlier?"
A knot formed in her stomach.
"No," she said hesitantly, hoping the scene still vivid in her head was unreal. "I...I don't..."
Zayne understood the situation, knowing she was still in shock so he wasn't going to pressure her. He did know, unfortunately, that she needed to hear the truth.
"I'm sorry," he said, his chest tightening when he saw that flicker of fear in her eyes, "Miss Josephine and Caleb are both...deceased."
She started laughing, nearly crying in hysterics. "That's not a funny joke, Zayne."
He was quiet.
"Caleb and I had an argument earlier," she continued, speaking more to herself. Her words were pouring out frantically as fresh tears rushed down her cheeks. "We had an argument. We were going to make up later. We never go to bed angry at each other. We were..."
"I'm sorry."
There was a knock at the door and a nurse entered, apologizing quietly to the young doctor. She mentioned there were detectives who wished to speak with the patient. Zayne sent her away, saying the patient needed some time to calm down first.
Zayne stayed with her the whole time, feeling his own grief at losing a childhood friend as well.
Some time passed. She returned to work with bags under eyes, looking malnourished. She hadn't had much of an appetite lately, and sleep scared her. She found herself dreaming of that evening over and over again, reliving that moment when she and Caleb were upset at one another.
They were supposed to make up. They always made up. She caressed his necklace in her hand, her thumb brushing over the pendant, tracing the engraved message:
When U come back
Her co-workers chimed in that she should take time off. Captain Jenna herself even said the Hunters Association offered bereavement leave, but the moment she heard that term, she unknowingly shot her superior a look of intense hatred.
There were startled gasps around her, breaking her out of her stupor. She immediately apologized once she realized what she had done. She didn't want to hear that word, or any similar words that would remind her that Caleb was gone.
No one was angry at her. They were all concerned for her, seeing she was wasting away, destroying herself as she grieved.
Tara offered to take her home, helped her as she needed. Captain Jenna also issued this as an order, knowing she wouldn’t be able to refuse.
Before she could protest, she suddenly felt dizzy, feeling an intense migraine and a fatigue unlike any she had felt before in her life. As she collapsed, she heard her co-workers crying out her name, and in her hand, she grasped Caleb's necklace tighter, the last thing she heard before blacking out was hearing Caleb���s voice calling her:
Pipsqueak, I’ll always be by your side.
Another hospital room.
She stared at the ceiling, still feeling fatigued. It was bound to happen, she realized, knowing the many sleepless nights had finally caught up with her.
Just as she sat up, the door opened and she immediately locked eyes with Zayne.
“I’m sorry to trouble you,” she said, “I just needed to rest at home. They didn’t need to check me into the hospital—”
Zayne stopped her from getting out of bed. He was holding a clipboard, his expression hardened. “We had to do some tests to rule out any major concerns…”
She sensed something was off about Zayne’s demeanor. “What is it? Do I have an illness or something?”
“Not quite,” he said, realizing there was no tactful way to deliver his news. He continued calmly, “You’re pregnant.”
She stared at him, not believing she had heard him correctly.
A tensed silence settled in the room, neither person able to tear their eyes off the other. Zayne waited patiently for her to register the news, seeing in her eyes the different emotions passing in quick successions. He was startled when she suddenly broke down crying, her hands settled over the flatness of her belly.
“Pregnant?” she asked again, looking up at him with tears down her cheeks.
Zayne breathed in sharply and nodded. He kept his expression neutral, hiding the fact that a mixture of feelings was warring inside him, ranging from anger to heartbreak. He had always thought he would have more time with her, a chance to cross that line of childhood friends, but it seemed all of the recent outings or late nights together were simply just two old friends catching up and nothing more.
He nodded quietly. “If you need help contacting the father—”
“It’s Caleb’s.”
The silence returned, but it was broken just as quickly as it had arrived.
“It’s Caleb’s,” she sobbed again, her arms suddenly wrapped around Zayne’s torso. He stood there rigid, unsure of what to do. There were questions swirling around in his head, but they didn’t seem to matter to him as much. All he could do—wanted to do—was comfort her.
He let his arms wrapped around her, his heart breaking again as she continued to cry.
“It’s Caleb’s…”
Zayne remained by her side. That won’t ever change, he had decided long ago. For as long as she would allow him, he would stay by her side.
He stayed with her, saving her from herself as she angrily tore herself apart, guilt-ridden that in her grief, she had allowed her baby—Caleb’s baby—to also suffer.
“You didn’t know,” he soothed her, his arms around her in comfort. “It’s still early. You hadn’t done anything wrong.”
He brushed her tears aside with his thumbs, his voice still as gentle as always. “You are allowed to grieve for as long as you need to,” he said, “I know he was important to you.”
He just hadn’t realized the extent of their relationship together. Zayne quelled his jealously before it could ever simmer. This was a deceased man, and also, his own friend. He didn’t want such ugly feelings to fester inside him like this. There were more important matters at hand now anyway.
Zayne stayed. She didn’t push him away, so he stayed.
He stayed and guided her through her first trimester. He made her ginger tea for when the morning sickness came. He advised her to rest as often as she needed since these first months were going to be rough on her body. He also made her meals often, finding the most nutritious recipes for an expectant woman.
One evening, over dinner, she asked, “Are you Doctor Zayne right now or…just Zayne?”
He looked surprised, not understanding her implication.
“It’s just…a doctor wouldn’t care about his patient this much, would he?”
“That is up for debate,” he answered, “many doctors do go above and beyond for their patients.”
“Then I’ll ask again: is this Doctor Zayne…or Zayne?”
He looked into her expectant eyes before his own drifted down to her growing middle. A small bump was forming, a reminder that she was carrying a new life inside her body. Another man’s baby.
Zayne met her gaze again. “Does it matter how I respond?”
“You don’t have to do this…”
“‘Do this?’”
“Take care of me like this,” she answered, that ever-familiar flicker of guilt returning in her eyes. “I can take care of myself. If not, Tara has also been helping me out, too, so you don’t need to—”
“If I say I am Zayne, will it change anything?”
She was silent, so he continued, his tone was soft, but his words were firm.
“If I say, I want to stay with you, will you let me?”
She looked up. “I don’t want you to have the wrong impression—”
“What impression would that be then?”
“That…I am using you.”
“I don’t believe you are. I know you aren’t,” he said, continuing, “But if I say I would let you use me, will that scare you?”
She drew in a sharp breath, feeling her heartbeat quickening. He crossed over to her side, kneeling down next to her.
“If I say, I want to stay by your side, then…will you let me?”
“Zayne…”
She slipped her hand into his, that flash of hesitancy in her eyes unmissed by him, but he was not upset by it. Not in the slightest. He wasn’t demanding anything from her, nor was he expecting anything in return.
He simply wanted to stay by her side.
That night, she slept for the first time in ages, curled into his protective embrace. The weight she had been carrying on her shoulders were lightened by his presence, his soothing words freeing her from her own shackles as she allowed him to break down her wall.
“You can sleep now, I’m here,” Zayne whispered to her as she slept. The deep troubled creases in her expression relaxed, as if in response to his words. He pressed his lips to the top of her head, his words earnest: “I will always be here.”
Gradually, over time, there were many changes happening. Her belly had grown bigger, rounding out distinctively that it suddenly made everything feel so real. She was having a baby. Caleb’s baby. The tumultuous emotions that followed would always send her down a dark path.
The baby was somehow a constant reminder of the man she had lost, but at the same time also a gift he had left for her, his promise staying true. He was still here. He would never leave her.
Just like Zayne had also promised to stay with her.
In the beginning, each passing day felt like Hell, a constant nightmare she wasn’t able to escape from. Time moved so agonizingly slow, it might as well have been frozen, trapping her in that perpetual state of grief and anger.
Then, so subtly, Zayne reached into her depths of despairs and pulled her out. He was patient, empathetic, and careful. He had never overstepped any boundary, never took advantage of her vulnerability, but he still loved her unconditionally.
Hesitantly, she began to allow herself to reciprocate, genuinely touched by all of his thoughtfulness and concerns. Some days, she might even admit that she adored him. She adored the way he interacted with the children in the pediatric ward, she adored the way he enjoyed eating sweets, she adored how he always put others above himself. It made her want to take care of him herself, wanting to return the love she was receiving. She also wanted him to feel as loved and cherished as he made her feel.
The first time she kissed him it took them both by surprise.
She was nearing six months before she finally felt the baby’s first movements. After weeks of carrying this growing anxiety inside her that something could be wrong with the baby or pregnancy, the moment she felt those first few gentle kicks had her laughing in joy for the first time in months.
Zayne had just finished building a crib for the nursery when she rushed into the room in her delicate condition, throwing herself into his embrace.
When she guided his hand to her belly, his look of surprise staying only briefly before a small smile replaced it. Without thinking, she leaned up and kissed him, and instead of feeling shocked, Zayne responded immediately, feeling joy swelled in his own chest.
He had been by her side through all of this. He had taken care of her when she was sick or tired. He had been the one to comfort her through her mood swings. He was there helping her buy maternity clothes or choosing the necessary items the baby would need. In times, he realized, he had also grown to care about the baby she carried—even if it was not his.
Now, he felt a new emotion stirring inside him. She wanted him to be the first to hear the news. She wanted him to feel the movements alongside her. She kissed him. He wanted to be bolder.
He cupped her face in his hands and guided her lips back to his, relishing in the way she responded, her wall coming down completely as she surrendered to her feelings for him.
It was almost like playing make-believe.
Their feelings for one another were genuine, but sometimes they would forget. At least until someone, naively, took off the rose-tinted glasses they wore.
Congratulations. You two must be so thrilled about the baby.
Oh, what a beautiful couple. Their baby will surely be beautiful as well.
Have you picked out a name yet?
They responded to such comments with polite smiles, but once they were alone, the masks fell off.
“I’m sorry,” she said.
“Why are you apologizing?” Zayne asked, “You didn’t do anything wrong.”
She didn’t do anything wrong, but she still felt like she needed to apologize to him. Zayne had never said anything, never showed her the slightest inkling that he might be affected by such words or speculations, but she felt like she knew Zayne just as well as he knew her.
She knew he never wanted her to see when he was hurting.
“They’re just words,” he said calmly, his hand reaching over to rub lazy circles around her belly. “I will not love him any less just because he’s not my biological child.”
Zayne meant every word.
The moment the baby was born, after over twenty-six hours of labor, she watched as Zayne cradled the newborn with such tender care. Anyone who would see him hold the baby boy would never suspect that he wasn’t the father.
There were so many bittersweet feelings that lingered, the grip they had on her firm and unyielding. Never once did she dare to relinquish the guilt she carried.
She felt guilty for letting another man into her life again, feeling like she was betraying Caleb, letting the memory of him be overridden. She also felt guilty to Zayne, feeling like he was picking up the broken pieces of her and mending her back again to some semblance of a person but never completely whole. She felt guilty to both men. One for losing her heart to another and the other for never having her full heart as his alone.
“What’s wrong? Why are you crying?”
She gasped when the hospital bed shifted with Zayne’s sudden weight. He sat on the edge, the baby tucked in his arms protectively. He reached out and brushed away some of her tears. She hadn’t realized that she had started crying. She was feeling so many things at once all stemming from different origins.
She was exhausted from the long grueling hours of labor. She was emotionally overwhelmed by everything that had happened in the last nine months. She knew her hormones were still out of control, heightening everything she felt to an extreme degree.
“I’m just tired,” she fibbed weakly. The exhaustion on her face was clear as day. Zayne could sense she was withholding something from him, but he knew when to not pressure her. In due time, he knew she would open herself up more to him.
For now, he accepted her benign lie.
The baby started to fuss, alerting the both of them. Zayne chuckled and gently passed the newborn over to his mother.
“He must want his mama now,” Zayne said lightheartedly. He was startled when she started to tremble, droplets of her tears falling suddenly. She was trying to hold her emotions back, but something in the way Zayne spoke seemed to have triggered her.
He gathered her into his embrace and he shushed her gently. “What’s wrong? Did I say something wrong?”
She shook her head and just cried against him. “I’m sorry… I’m just… I don’t feel like myself anymore.”
He sighed and kissed the top of her head. “Don’t force yourself,” he said softly. “You’ve been through a lot. You don’t need to be so harsh on yourself.”
It was tearing him apart inside to see her still so beaten down. He continued in the same soothing tone, “Just breathe.”
Slowly, she managed to compose herself. She stayed in his embrace, her eyes peering down at the sleeping baby in her arms, her breathing nearly stopping now that she fully looked at the newborn she carried.
“He looks like Caleb.”
“He does,” Zayne agreed, and he kissed the top of her head again, his hold on her just a bit tighter.
The baby looked like Caleb and as time passed, the little boy grew up behaving so similarly to the deceased man. She found both joy and heartbreak in this, feeling happy that Caleb continued to live on in this child, but also saddened that it was a reminder of who she had lost.
She supposed she would never let go of these feelings. It would be too heartless if she did.
“Daddy, apple!”
“Alright, alright,” Zayne said with a knowing smile as he carried in his arms the small toddler, the child’s bright demeanor and appearance reminiscent of little cherubs. He set the little boy on the counter as he retrieved an apple and washed it clean. He expertly peeled the skin before he cut the fruit up into small chunks.
“Say ‘ah’,” Zayne spoke as he guided the small chunk into the toddler’s eager mouth. He smiled as the boy clapped his hands together in pure delight at the sweet taste of the fresh fruit. “Is it good?”
The boy nodded excitedly. Once he swallowed, he pointed at his mouth again. “‘nother one, Daddy, pwease?”
Zayne chuckled and leaned down. “Can I have a kiss first?”
Immediately, the toddler pressed a wet kiss to Zayne’s cheek, giggling when Zayne suddenly tickled him. “Da-Daddy!”
Zayne laughed and hugged the child, kissing the top of his head before he composed himself again. “Alright, alright, Daddy won’t tickle you anymore. For now. Say ‘ah’.”
As he fed the toddler little bites, she walked in and stopped, her body leaning against the threshold to the kitchen with a fond smile.
Fatherhood looked good on Zayne. He had taken on the role so seamlessly, never once showing any resentment to the little boy that was not his. If anything, there was so much love and adoration in Zayne’s eyes and the way he cared for the child.
It dawned on her that Zayne had been in her son’s life from the beginning. He had cared for her throughout her pregnancy. He was the one who had spent many sleepless nights with a crying newborn so she could rest. He was there to nurse her son through his first fever.
Zayne was always there, always theirs.
So, when the little boy uttered his first word Dada, it shocked them both. When the child clung to Zayne, falling asleep in his safe embrace, they both realized this life they had come to build together was something beautiful.
They could make this work.
They could be a family of three.
It was going to be beautiful.
It had been several years since she had stepped foot back in Skyhaven, remembering old visits to see Caleb when he was studying here.
Caleb.
She sighed.
It had been a while since she had thought of him, or at the very least, in that way. There were so many things on her mind nowadays. The grief from his death would always stay with her, a throbbing pain that could never be dulled, but as time passed, she learned to live with this heartache. She had a child now—Caleb’s child—and the little boy deserved his mother’s whole attention.
She remade herself whole for her son’s sake, not wanting him to have an empty shell of a person for a mother. She also had Zayne by her side, wanting him to have someone who could love him the way he deserved. There were still so many people in the present needing her, she let herself slipped further away from the ghost of the past.
Around her neck, she still had Caleb’s necklace. It had come to be her comfort object, a charm of sorts to ground her when she was feeling lost in her head or needing some sort of reassurance.
Right now, she needed a lot of reassurances.
The current mission to infiltrate the Farspace Fleet was in jeopardy of being discovered. She had been discreet and blended in well for several weeks now, but one moment of carelessness had now secured her a place in an interrogation room where she was told the new colonel would question her himself.
Nothing, however, could prepare her when the door slid open, and a pair of old, familiar violet eyes stared her down coldly.
Ca-Caleb?
Her heart sped up, pounding against her chest as she stared in disbelief at the man before her.
“Is it really you? Ca—”
“Show some respect to the Farspace Fleet’s Colonel,” he said coldly, the authoritative tone had her frozen in her seat, her thoughts racing as she tried to make sense of this moment. The man before her was completely identical to her Caleb in both looks and voice, but the way he spoke and carried himself was not like her beloved.
Still, she wondered. Hoped, even.
She steadied her breathing before she questioned him hesitantly. “Sir, have we met before? You seem familiar…”
“You’re wrong.”
“…But you look exactly like someone I know!”
“Watch your mouth,” he said, nearly sneering. Then in a lower voice, he said, “There’s more than one pair of eyes observing you in this room.”
As this man was about to begin his interrogation, he noticed the necklace around her neck. He touched it, eyeing the pendant with an unreadable expression.
She spoke up, explaining, “…It belonged to someone from my childhood. He died in an explosion. Like the one in the Cascade District. I… I miss him.”
The colonel shifted his gaze to her, but his expression remained icy.
She continued, asking him, “Sir, can you tell me something? If that person hadn’t died, would he support me even now?”
He didn’t answer her directly, and instead redirected the conversation to the current interrogation. After placing a mood tracker on her, he began grilling her with a barrage of questions, his tone firm and unyielding.
Eventually, she managed to pass, the light in the interrogation room brightening and the colonel stepped forward from the shadow.
“You passed,” he said with a satisfied smile.
She felt irate. “You…”
“Surprised?” he asked, his tone much more lighthearted than it was a few minutes ago. He continued with that same teasing tone, “Sure, it’s been a while, but you already forgot about me?
She felt tears in her eyes, her chest tightening with pain. Her voice was shaky, in complete disbelief, as she questioned him hesitantly. “You… it’s you, right? Caleb.”
“Is there another me in the world?” he teased before his expression changed, looking worried. “Did I scare you?”
She immediately leapt to her feet, rushing to him. “It is you!” she cried out, her hand reaching up to touch his cheek, pausing at the last second as if she was afraid that if she tried to touch him, she would feel nothing, breaking whatever illusion she was seeing right now. “Caleb… I must be dreaming.”
He grabbed her hand before she could pull away, guiding it to his cheek as he smiled softly back to her. “It’s me…” he said, adding reassuringly, “It’s okay. I’m back.”
She started sobbing, falling into his arms, feeling his own hold on her tightening. It felt so warm and familiar, like home.
Like Caleb.
Suddenly, all of her heartaches and anguish disappeared.
He was alive. He was here, holding her again just like how he had always done. When he looked down, his gloved hand touched her chin, cradling it gently before he leaned forward, his lips pressing over hers in such a natural way as he had always done.
And she paused, remembering back home in Linkon, another man she had come to love was waiting for her, taking care of her child while she was away and fulfilling the role of father to her son, giving the boy a life he deserved.
She shouldn’t be doing this, but she couldn’t pull herself away. There were so many voices in her head competing for dominance to be heard. Some admonished her relentlessly, tearing her to shreds with cruel, heartless words while others encouraged her to stay, to linger and give in to the temptation of her desires and yearning.
She felt a trickle of tears on her cheek as she hesitantly kissed Caleb back, her heart still bleeding for him, still remembering that he was hers just like he had always been.
“What’s wrong?” he asked, noticing the tears. He brushed them away, his smile soft. “It’s okay, pipsqueak, I know this is a lot to take in and I will explain everything to you.”
She stayed in his warm embrace, cheek pressed close to his chest, and she listened. His heart was beating in his chest. He was standing here, holding her, his words warm and comforting.
Everything was still so surreal, feeling like she had stepped into an alternate reality, her mind still unable to comprehend this moment in time.
If this was just a dream, she wished to stay asleep for just a while longer. For one selfish instance, she wanted to disappear from the world, returning to Caleb and the secret paradise only they would ever know.
But it would never be like before.
In the farthest depths of her heart and mind, she knew it would never be like before.
Without thinking, she blurted out, “I’m sorry.”
Caleb looked down at her confused. “Why are you apologizing?”
She looked embarrassed. Quickly, she fibbed, “We had a fight before. I…we never made up.”
It took a while before Caleb remembered, nodding in understanding. “That was a long time ago,” he said, “There’s nothing to apologize for.”
She said nothing as he pulled her back into his orbit, his hold firm and secured, but in her mind, she apologized again. Whatever was brewing in the future was going to affect three childhood friends, and the ominous unknown scared her, knowing no matter how things played out, someone was going to get hurt and none of them would come out unscathed.
I’m sorry, Zayne.
Like a forbidden fruit, she greedily coveted Caleb’s kisses again, tasting sin on her lips as she began to tread down the path to damnation, willfully blinding herself to the destruction that awaited in her future.
#love and deepspace#love and deepspace caleb#love and deepspace zayne#love and deepspace x reader#caleb x reader#caleb x mc#zayne x reader#zayne x mc#lads scenarios#love and deepspace fanfiction#lnds fanfics#lads angst#caleb angst#zayne angst#I WILL NEVER FINISH THIS#THIS IS JUST AN IDEA#i was just gonna yap bullet points#why is this 4.6k words long#orz orz orz orz orz#the ending would be a ✨polycule✨#because i love them both and refuse to choose one lmao#ONCE AGAIN I WILL NOT BE CONTINUING THIS#HENCE WHY I AM SHOVING IT TOGETHER WITH MY OTHER RANDOM HCS AND SCENARIOS#bye 🫶
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Could you do a fic where spencer reacts to edits of reader or of them together💖
Reacts | Spencer Agnew x Reader Oneshots
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I had a few requests like this so I hope everyone who had a similar request likes it! Just something cute and fluffy.
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“I love you Angela, this is incredible!” You laughed, watching a compilation of Angela moments titled ‘Angela being a feral guinea pig AGAIN for 8 minutes and 22 seconds’.
“Feral guinea pig is crazy.” Angela sighed.
The small group finished watching the video, making comments here and there about Angela’s antics.
“The next compilation requires a slight change in cast,” Ian explained. “Tommy, get out of here! Spencer! Come on over!”
“Awe Spencey!” You cooed, as he walked onto set, the sound of applause echoing.
“Now that both Y/N and Spencer are here it’s time for our next video: ‘Spencer and Y/N being the cutest (not 🤨) couple at Smosh’. Let’s get into it.”
You and Spencer looked at each other, curious as to what would constitute an 18 minute video. You knocked your shoulder into his teasingly, an easy smile gracing his features at your touch.
“Oh my god! I’m so nervous! Why am I nervous?” You gripped Spencer’s arm tightly, his hand coming to rest on top of yours reassuringly as Shayne began to read an update to the reddit story. Spencer whispered something in your ear, so quiet the mic didn’t even pick it up, making you laugh.
You paused the video, laughing at the memory. “Oh my god, what did you whisper again?” You asked Spencer.
“I quoted Will Farrell.” He clarified.
“Shut up, I’m so fucking scared right now, shut up!” You and Spencer quoted in unison, knocking together in your laughter.
“That’s definitely gonna be in the next compilation of you two.” Angela teased.
“Y/N Stop! Holy Shit! Get off of me!” Spencer shriek-laughed, attempting to put his controller out of your reach.
“No! Fuck! Spencer!” You yelled, basically climbing on top of him trying to mess him up.
The minigame ended quickly. Hearing it was over you gave up your pursuit of his controller, collapsing on top of him, slightly out of breath. “Good god.” You huffed, resting your head on his shoulder.
“No way we’re still tied for 4th after all that!” Spencer said, exasperated. He placed his free hand– the one not being pinned down by your body– on your head, ruffling your hair slightly before you sat back up. Looking over to Shayne and Chanse they were both out of breath from laughing at your attack on Spencer.
“I still demand a rematch.” Spencer said, bitter about your success in that ‘don’t Win’ video.
“Only if you’re ready to get your ass handed to you again.”
“I feel like there’s gonna be a comp of me and Ian third wheeling you two this whole segment.” Angela interjected, earning a playful glare from the two of you.
It was just clip after clip of you and Spencer being cute. You two were best friends so you were incredibly comfortable around each other. However, watching the compilation made it a little harder to deny both yours and Spencer’s feelings. You couldn’t help but notice the way he looked at you in each of the clips. He watched you with rapture when you spoke, he looked at you like your voice was the sweetest song he’d ever heard.
You wanted to deny it but you recognized that look. You recognized it because it was the same way you looked at him. It made your heart swell.
“I bet if we did an eye-tracker on Spencer and just played a smosh video with Y/N in it, he would always be looking at her.” Ian teased.
“I mean, as he should.” You laughed.
“Yeah yeah, whatever. God forbid a man cares about his friend.”
“Oh hush, it's equal caring. I’d be honored for you to stare at me in a video.” You defended. You unpaused for the final clip of the video.
“Can I phone a friend?” You asked, having no clue what the answer was.
How you ended up in a video game beapordy, you had no clue. You were doing alright but didn’t know the current question so you didn’t even buzz in. Both Trevor and Chanse had gotten it wrong, leaving it to you.
“Go ahead.” Shayne allowed.
You called Spencer. You knew he would know the answer. He was currently at his apartment since he had the day off work.
He picked up after the first ring, which wasn’t unusual for him. “I was just thinking about you.” Spencer remarked, a blush creeping up your neck. “What’s up?”
“I have a really important question.” You told him, pausing for dramatic effect before reciting the question from Shayne.
“Oh! This is easy.” Spencer laughed, rattling off the answer and some.
“I hate to cut you off,” You interjected. “But I gotta finish this game. You can tell me all about it later though.” You promised with a laugh.
“Okay okay. I’ll see you later then.”
“Okay, Love you Spence.”
“I love you more.”
You hung up, Chanse giving you a playful and knowing smirk.
“Oh Spencer I love you so dearly.” he mocked, pitching his voice up and adding kissy noises.
You lightly slapped his arm, allowing the game to continue.
“Let’s look at some comments, shall we?” Ian asked, scrolling down.
“ ‘not dating’ my ass, they are too perfect together to not be”
“Can Spencer fight? I’m so serious.”
You laughed at this one, looking to Spencer to see his head hanging and shaking no. Beneath that comment was another that mirrored it, only switching your names.
“Unlike Spencer I can fight so back off my best friend.” You intimated, squaring up to the camera. “Don’t worry babe, I’ll protect you.” You said to Spencer, doing your best douche-bag voice.
Spencer left the video after this, Tommy reentering to watch the rest of the compilations.
Spencer sat to the side, watching you, smiling when you did and laughing at all of your jokes. He already knew the comments on this video would be wild. You two had been getting edits and shipping content since your very first video together years ago. He didn’t mind it though. He knew your friendship was secure and that’s all he cared about.
Would it make him the happiest man on Earth to be with you? Yes. But that didn’t matter unless you wanted it. He was perfectly content being your best friend, it was a title he wore with great honor.
He would try one day, he had to. But for now he didn’t need to be your boyfriend to know you loved him. You made it apparent every day with each interaction you shared. He hoped he did the same, because loving you was always the easiest part of his days, and the one that made him the happiest.
#spencer agnew#spencer agnew x reader#spencer agnew/reader#smosh#shayne topp#smosh games#smosh pit#smosh spencer#smosh cast#smosh fanfiction
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Everything You Need to Know about How to Increase Your Income
Make more money at the job you have
One of the simplest ways to increase your income is to just make your current employer pay you more. But while it may be simple, it ain’t always easy.
Santa Isn’t Coming and Neither Is Your Promotion: How To Get Promoted
How I Chessmastered Myself Into a Promotion at Work
The First Time I Asked for a Raise
You Need To Ask for a Fucking Raise
Ask the Bitches: “Can I Quit With Unvested Funds? Or Am I Walking Away From Too Much Money?”
The Ultimate Guide to Growing Your Salary
Make more money at your next job
All that said, you’re statistically more likely to increase your income faster by job hopping! So if your current employer doesn’t want to pay you more, leave that sinking ship behind in pursuit of a higher salary.
Job Hopping vs. Career Loyalty by the Numbers
The Fascinating Results of Our Job Hopping vs. Career Loyalty Poll
How NOT to Determine Your Salary
When It Comes to Salary Negotiations, Are You Asking for Enough?
What To Do When You’re Asked About Your Salary Requirements in a Job Interview
If Your Employer Refuses To Negotiate Salary, Try These 11 Creative Counteroffers
Season 4, Episode 9: “I’m on the Wrong Career Path. How Do I Convince a New Industry To Take a Chance on Me?”
Invest your way to more money
Of course there are some who say the true path to wealth is passive income: when you stop working for your money and instead let your money work for you. And they’re not wrong! Here’s how we recommend you increase your income passively.
When Money in the Bank Is a Bad Thing: Understanding Inflation and Depreciation
Investing Deathmatch: Investing in the Stock Market vs. Just… Not
What’s the REAL Rate of Return on the Stock Market?
Dafuq Is a Retirement Plan and Why Do You Need One?
Procrastinating on Opening a Retirement Account? Here’s 3 Ways That’ll Fuck You Over.
Season 4, Episode 1: “Index Funds Include Unethical Companies. Can I Still Invest in Them, or Does That Make Me a Monster?”
Small Business Investing: A Kinder, Gentler Alternative to the Stock Market
The Dark Magic of Financial Horcruxes: How and Why to Diversify Your Assets
Make more money through side hustles
When it comes to side hustles, we have traditionally advocated caution. The last thing you want to do is burn out in pursuit of a second income stream. But with enough wits and fortitude, a side hustle could help you increase your income by leaps and bounds.
Romanticizing the Side Hustle: When 1 Job Isn’t Enough
Season 2, Episode 9: “I Use My Free Time to Volunteer. Should I Focus on Making Money Instead?”
Stop Undervaluing Your Freelance Work, You Darling Fool
Freelancer, Protect Thyself… With a Fair Contract
Season 4, Episode 10: “I’m a Freelance Artist. How Do I Price My Work Fairly Without Losing Clients?”
Ask the Bitches: My Boss Won’t Give Me a Contract and I’m Freaking Out
“Independent Contractor” My Ass: How to Stop Wage Theft Through Worker Misclassification
Becoming a Millennial Entrepreneur (In the Midst of a Pandemic) With Katelyn Magnuson
11 Awful Mistakes I Made as a Self-employed Freelancer, and How You Can Avoid Them
The Magic of Unclaimed Property: How I Made $1,900 in 10 Minutes by Being a Disorganized Mess
I Am a Craigslist Samurai and so Can You: How to Sell Used Stuff Online
What to do when you make more money
Once you increase your income, you might find yourself… not quite bored, but finding you have a little more bandwidth to handle the stuff that matters. It can be a jarring transition! Here are our thoughts on the matter.
Season 3, Episode 7: “I’m Finished With the Basic Shit. What Are the Advanced Financial Steps That Only Rich People Know?”
Season 3, Episode 4: “The More Money I Save, the More I’m Scared To Lose It. Can I Break the Cycle of Financial Anxiety?”
How to Avoid Lifestyle Inflation … and When to Embrace It
Ask the Bitches: I Know How to Struggle and Fight, but I Don’t Know How to Succeed
Update: I Know How to Struggle and Fight, but I Don’t Know How to Succeed
The FIRE Movement, Explained
I Was Happy to Marry a Poor Man. Then Things Changed.
I Have Become the Rich Relative I Always Wanted
Believing in Miracles: A Conversation with Chris Dane Owens on Money, Creativity, and Self-Funding Art
I Now Make More Money Than My Husband, and It’s Great for Our Marriage
Season 2, Episode 1: “I’m Financially Stable, but My Friends Aren’t. The Guilt Is Crushing!”
The Resignation Checklist: 25 Sneaky Ways To Bleed Your Employer Dry Before Quitting
Advocate for systemic change
We don’t endorse an attitude of “I got mine.” So once you increase your income, there are lots of ways to use your newfound financial breathing room for good! Lift as you climb, my friend. Here are a few ways to do so:
Wallet Activism: Using Your Money for Good with Author Tanja Hester
Woke at Work: How to Inject Your Values into Your Boring, Lame-Ass Job
Raising the Minimum Wage Would Make All Our Lives Better
Post a Salary Range in the Job Description, You Fucking Cowards
1 Easy Way All Allies Can Help Close the Gender and Racial Pay Gap
The Truth About Unions: What Has Organized Labor Done for You?
How To Support a Labor Strike with 3 Simple Steps
Everything in moderation
One last thing, my lambs: don’t crush your spirit while chasing the goal of a higher income. Working hard is hard work. If you find these tactics are leaving you exhausted and demoralized, you might be on the road to burnout. And that road leads nowhere good!
That’s why we just released our glorious new Burnout Workshop. Click the button below to take a peek!
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TAKE IT EASY (OTHERWISE I’M LEAVING) ; connor bedard.
© property of lovecla, nhl masterlist, single chapter:
ᡣ𐭩 — pair: connor bedard x fmc (olivia)
ᡣ𐭩 — synopsis: in which connor bedard’s girlfiend, olivia, is tired of seeing her boyfriend destroy himself every single day.
ᡣ𐭩 — word count: 3.1k
ᡣ𐭩 — chapter warnings: inspired by the song “you” by chase atlantic, angst, hurt with a dash of comfort.
ᡣ𐭩 — from me to you: the second chase atlantic released this album i knew i had to write something inspired by it. i missed writing for bedsy and since he’s our golden, hardworking boy, i thought this was very fitting. hope u like it 🤍
ᯓᡣ𐭩
but you've been diggin' up the truth
haven't slept in like four nights now
blame it on substance abuse
out in the deep end, i'm swimmin', i'm swimmin' again
YOU WOKE up startled with the loud bang coming from somewhere inside your apartment, your whole body jumping and your heart starting to race inside your chest.
Now, almost fully awake, you stare at the clock sitting on your bedside table, reading the time. 4:13 a.m., and when you pat the other side of the bed, where your boyfriend of two years should be laying, you frown as you find it empty and lukewarm to the touch.
“Connor?” You whisper, scared to wake him up unnecessarily, even if you knew he wasn’t lying with you in bed. Again.
You get up, the fabric of his old Blackhawks sweater heating up your skin, as you put on your slippers and leave the bedroom, noticing traces of Connor’s absence here and there— his slippers aren’t by his side of the bed, his duffel bag isn’t on the hallway like it usually is, his water bottle isn’t on the couch like he had left it last night, when you both went no sleep at one in the morning.
So that’s why you don’t understand what he’s doing by the front door, ready to leave, even if he had only slept for three hours.
“Connor?” You call again, watching as his blue eyes look at you, surprise and guilt decorating his expression like a famous painting hanging on the Louvre’s wall. “What are you doing?”
Your voice is still soft, and despite the scare, your eyes can barely stay open. You’re tired, tonight was the first night you had allowed yourself to sleep freely since now you were done with your exams. And you were happy because you managed to convince Connor to come home earlier, at eleven instead of midnight, just so you could spend some time together, like you used to do when you started dating.
“Liv, hey,” he whispers, adjusting his bag on his shoulder. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you up.”
That’s when you realize what he’s doing. The bag, the stick on his hand, the outfit. He’s—
“Are you serious right now?” You take a deep breath, trying to maintain your composure. “You’re going to the rink? At four in the morning?”
“Baby, you know I need to,” he tries to sound convincing and if it wasn’t for the fact that this is probably the hundredth time he’s done this, you would’ve actually believed him. “We have a game coming up and—”
“Yes, I am well aware of that, Connor. But you went to sleep at one. Two nights ago, you also went to sleep at one and woke up at five. And the night before, and the night before that too.”
You don’t try to hide your feelings anymore. You want him to know you’re upset, and you want him to know that this, whatever the hell he’s doing, isn’t okay.
“I know, baby, but you know I have to keep practicing so I can help the guys.” He’s now facing you, his body visibly tense.
“That doesn’t even make sense, Connor, what the hell. There are other twenty fucking people in your team, you’re not the only player there. It’s not your responsibility only!” You cover your face with your hands, truly upset.
“Liv,” he calls your name, and it hurts to even hear it, because his voice is so full of guilt and shame. It makes you feel sick. “You’re not being reasonable right now. This is the NHL. You know how hard I’ve worked for this. There are people counting on me.”
“And I’m not one of them?” You whisper, making eye contact again, only to realize you’re not strong enough to have this conversation at four in the morning.
“Liv—”
“It’s fine, Connor. Go to practice.” You sigh, making your way back to the bedroom, praying that he doesn’t notice the tears running down your cheeks.
ᯓᡣ𐭩
you said, "take it easy, otherwise i'm leaving
yeah, i don't wanna stay and watch you die",
ᯓᡣ𐭩
CONNOR HAD an injury.
His jaw had been fractured, and he had to go to surgery to fix it. You were in the arena watching the game with Connor’s sister when it happened, and you had never been so scared.
You know Hockey is about hitting people as much as it is about playing and winning, but you won’t lie and say your heart doesn’t hurt inside your chest whenever you see Connor getting hurt on the ice.
And you aren’t dumb. You know that some players will purposefully hurt him just because he’s good. And even if people aren’t one hundred percent sure that that is what happened that night, you still remember the terrible feeling of losing when you were in the ambulance with Connor to the hospital, trying your hardest not to cry in front of anyone because you know what they would say.
She’s not tough enough to date a NHL player.
But you believed yourself to be tough. The only problem with all of this is that you knew Bedard would never take great care of himself, meaning that you’d have to be with him twenty-four-seven, which wouldn’t be a problem, if only he accepted your help.
Now, four weeks after the surgery, you’re inside the United Center, the Blackhawks arena in Chicago, stomping your feet as you walk towards the rink, the sound of your steps being muffled by Connor’s constant skating.
“Connor.”
You have to call him a few times so that he can finally get out of his head and look at you; once again, those blameworthy eyes looking down at you, as he skates closer to the benches where you were standing.
“Liv.”
“What do you think you’re doing, Connor?” You snap. “You’re supposed to be resting. You’re definitely not supposed to be on the ice.”
“I know, but my jaw is just fine. It doesn’t even hurt anymore.” He removes his helmet, running his gloved hand through his hair.
“It didn’t seem like it was fine last night when you had to swallow a bunch of pain pills because it was hurting. Connor, don’t you see what you’re doing to yourself?” You can feel your face heating up, and you’re trying so hard to keep your shit together but— “You have to allow your body to rest. If you keep up with this, you won’t get better—”
“That’s not an option, Liv, and you know it,” he hissed back, now looking more distressed than guilty. “This is my life. And I did allow myself to rest, I spent four weeks doing absolutely nothing, just like the doctor asked me to.”
“He said six to eight weeks, Connor,” you sigh, tired, not actually believing you’re having this conversation with him. “Please. Just think about how I feel when I know you’re not well enough to be here yet you still are.”
He pressed his lips together, placing his stick on the floor next to him and moving his helmet around his hands.
“Liv, you know I love you but this— Hockey is what I am. It’s what I do. You have to understand—”
“And I have done nothing but understand you!” You shout, finally losing your cool and snapping at him, your loud voice echoing through the empty arena’s walls. Connor takes a step back, but now you’ve already started and you won’t can’t stop. “Ever since we met, I have been nothing but understanding. I stood by your side at all times, even when what you were doing wasn’t healthy for you!”
“Olivia—”
“I went to sleep alone and cried more nights than you could ever imagine,” your voice cracks, and your stubborn tears are already rolling down your face. “I still supported you no matter what. I cooked your meals, I packed your bags, I went to those ridiculous gala dinners and I did it all with pleasure because I love you and you’re supposed to do these types of things for the people you love!”
“Baby—”
“So you don’t get to stand in front of me and ask me to understand how badly you treat yourself and how you don’t care about anything else besides Hockey when I gave up everything to be with you!” You try to wipe your face, stepping back when Connor tries to reach you. He frowns when you flinch. “I gave up my freedom because I wanted to be with you and God knows I’d do it all over again because I fucking love you.”
“Baby, I know all of this and I’m grateful, I really am but—”
You let out a wet chuckle, shaking your head. “There’s always a but with you.”
“Hockey is important to me, baby.”
“And I am not.”
The silence after your words is cruel, and it tears you apart, scratching your skin and making your insides hurt. His blue eyes, your favorite color to ever exist, are also filled with tears and you hate to see it. You hate to feel bad about saying these things.
The thing about loving someone is that the thread between giving up yourself for them and giving yourself to them is really thin.
You love Connor Bedard. Have loved him for years now. He makes you happy, he listens to you, he’s your best friend.
“You know that’s not true, Liv,” he gets closer, the sound of his skates hitting the ice making you want to puke. “You know you’re more important to me than any of this. You know I love you.”
“No, Connor, I don’t,” you whisper, smiling even when all you feel is pain. “I can’t do this. I won’t watch you d-destroy yourself and not do anything.”
He removes his gloves quickly and grabs your wrist, cold fingers holding your arm down. “Olivia, wait.”
“No,” You shake your head. “I need time. Sorry.”
You don’t look at his face as you leave the arena, and you certainly don’t listen to his voice shouting your name, over and over again.
ᯓᡣ𐭩
i don't know what to do
i’m stuck in a loop, stuck in a loop
ᯓᡣ𐭩
HE WATCHES you talking to the children from afar.
You’re sitting on the floor, and it’s so obvious you’re better different from everyone else at the party. The children surround you like you’re their favorite princess or superhero, all of them wanting a little bit of your attention.
Connor feels like he should be offended, since those kids were there to see his team in the first place. It was some kind of reunion Foligno arranged with the media team, inviting some of his son’s friends and some other children with less opportunities.
But he isn’t. First of all, he’s thankful because if it weren’t for your charm, he would be the one having to deal with the children, something he wasn’t very fond of. Sure, he likes kids and he’s happy they like him, but if he could avoid social interactions, he would.
Besides that, watching you happy is something that he had missed, and he feels like shit for it. He knows he hasn’t been a good boyfriend, and he knows he should do better. Ever since that one night at the rink, you haven’t been the same.
But if he thinks about it too much, he realizes that you haven’t been yourself for a long time now.
And it hurts.
It hurts because he doesn’t know what to do. He loves you, the very first girl he fell in love with, but he also loves Hockey. As a young player in the NHL, he feels like he constantly needs to prove himself to others, and since people give him so much attention, he needs to keep on being a good player.
He doesn’t know how to balance things, how not to spend hours and hours without end on the ice, muting all of his doubts and worries while he keeps throwing the puck in the net.
You smile at a little boy who’s now handing you a flower, and Connor smiles as he watches you ask the little boy to put it on your hair, laughing when the other kids stop their babbling to clap at your newest look.
You make eye contact with him, and he feels himself getting devastated when he notices that the shine in your eyes lessened a little when you looked at him.
ᯓᡣ𐭩
(why do you hate me?)
i could never hate you, despite the words that you've been sayin'
i’ve been having breakthroughs
and hoping you were proud, just maybe
anxiety drives me insane, and my newest addiction is pain
i know i said it was a ‘phase’
five years later, still stuck in my brain
ᯓᡣ𐭩
CLOSING THE front door with a sigh, you let your first sob out. The tears won’t stop, and you don’t bother to wipe them, it would be pointless.
All you want to do is slide down to the floor and stay there, letting the hardwood hurt your back and get you dirty, but you can’t. Your car decided to break in the middle of the road on your way back from college, and you had to walk until you found the nearest telephone to call your insurance company, which would’ve been fine if it weren’t for the terrible storm going on, the water drops penetrating your thin shirt like you weren’t even wearing anything in the first place.
It’s just one of those days where everything that could possibly go wrong goes wrong, but you’re already so fed up with life lately that this all seems too much.
“Liv? What happened, baby?”
You lift your head up faster than you should've, because now you can see tiny, black dots floating around in your vision. You weren’t expecting to see Connor at your house, much less wearing the apron you gave him when he prepared his first dish by himself two years ago— a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
“Connor,” you whisper, not looking him in the eye. “I didn’t know you were here.”
“I texted you,” he says, removing the apron that read “cook it yourself, cunt”. “What happened, baby? Are you hurt?”
You don’t say anything, mostly because you’re certain that if you let one little word slip past your lips you’ll start crying uncontrollably once again, so you just shake your head and leave your things on the floor beside you, walking past him so you could get to your room.
He’s quick to follow, though, watching as you remove your wet clothes and get in the shower, both of you silent and lost in your own thoughts.
Not talking to Connor about your feelings feels weird, but you can’t help but feel like you’re holding him back. It’s sickening, because all you want is to stay with him and be happy, but sometimes loving is also letting go.
You get out of the shower, feeling the tears coming back when you spot the change of clothes Connor left for you on top of the toilet lid— his shirt, his pants, your favorite panties.
He knows you too well. He knows who you are as a person and he knows who you want to become. He knows your fears and your ambitions, he knows your dreams and hopes. He knows what you stand for and what you absolutely despise.
He knows you.
You change, and leave the bathroom quickly, wanting nothing more than to lay down and sleep for days.
“Some lady from your insurance company just called, saying your car will be ready next week,” Connor says, and only then you noticed he’d been standing next to your wardrobe the entire time, crossed arms in front of his chest. “Why didn’t you tell me your car was broken?”
You shrug. “I knew you were at practice. Didn’t want to bother you.”
“So you walked home? In the rain?” You can tell by his tone that he’s upset, but there’s nothing much you can do.
“I mean, what did you want me to do?” You scoff. “My phone died and I had no cash on me. And honestly, we both know that you would never leave the ice for something like this.”
“Liv, you know that’s not true,” he whispers, getting closer to you. “You know that I’d leave at any moment if I even knew you needed me.”
“Whatever,” you mumble before reaching for your phone in your bag, the device thankfully still dry, and put it to charge, removing the hundreds of pillows you have on top of your bed and throwing them on the carpet floor, already visualizing the amazing sleep you’d have.
“What are you doing?” You feel his hands on your back, his body closer to yours than it’s been in a while. “You haven’t had dinner yet. I cooked…”
His sad tone makes you break again, and you hate yourself for it. But you still love him so much, and it hurts to see what you’ve become.
“Liv, please, tell me what’s wrong,” he pleads, turning you around and wiping your tears with his thumbs. “I’ll fix it, I promise. Just tell me what’s wrong, baby.”
“Can you fix us?” You whisper, resting your head against his chest, inhaling his comforting scent. He smells like home and the winter. “Can you fix what we’ve become?”
He’s quiet for a while, long fingers caressing your hair, like he used to do back when you had started dating.
“I’m trying, I swear I am,” he whispers back, and you can finally hear genuineness in his voice. “You’re everything to me, baby, and I won’t lose you.”
“I’m not asking you to give up on Hockey,” you explain, watching as your tears stain his shirt. “I’m just asking you to take care of yourself. Connor, I need you to take care of yourself.”
“I know, baby, and I’m sorry,” he kisses your cheek, the first time his lips touch you in more than two weeks. “I’m so sorry.”
You listen to his heartbeat and sigh, choosing not to say anything. You know the only way you can find out if he’s being genuine or not is with time, because only it will tell if you’re fixable or not.
But as you let yourself sleep close to his body that night, losing yourself between the sheets and his arms, you can finally breathe again.
Because he said he’ll try, and Connor Bedard always tries his hardest with everything.
#cb98#connor bedard x oc#connor bedard x you#connor bedard fic#connor bedard angst#connor bedard#connor bedard imagine#nhl x reader#nhl imagine#nhl fic#nhl fanfiction#nhl players#nhl hockey#hockey#chicago blackhawks
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BEG !!!
Kokushibo x fem!reader
Summary: Upper Moon One is your lover, and you wronged him.... He is angry and you deserve what is coming to you... Are you scared yet?
Warnings: MDNI, NSFW, smut, mentions of cheating (fem partner cheats on Koku with a certain rainbow-eyed blond demon), rough sex, rough anal, rough oral, dub-con, mild degradation, sex as punishment (for his partner cheating on him).
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Masterlist
Footsteps echoed in the large hallway. It was him. In just a moment he would enter the chamber. You longed for him, craved him. The knot in your underbelly was now pressing unbearably, all you wanted was to feel his thick length inside you.
But today was different, there was also the terrible lump in your throat, fighting for your attention. What you did was wrong, so terribly wrong… But then again, Kokushibo promised to be back within a week. Weeks went by with no news other than the occasional report that came to Muzan, passed on to you.
And then there was the party, to welcome the young, new upper moon. He was tall with the most perfect physique. His hair was long and almost white and then those sparkling eyes….in all colours of the rainbow. His charisma and charm were overwhelming. In such stark contrast to the dirt, he whispered in your ear by the end of the evening. You could not resist, could anyone? If it was not so wrong it would have been worth it, he was beyond experienced too. The memory of the things he did to you made you blush even now, even though the fear of your approaching lover was gripping you in an ever-tightening vice.
Kokushibo entered the room, without a word put aside his katana, and walked up to you, his eyes glaring at you with a look you have never seen before. You should have fallen to the ground, begged for forgiveness, and apologise, but as silly and stunned as you were, you simply stood up and smiled awkwardly.
``Welcome back, Kokushibo-sama´´.
You felt so uneasy and stupid, but it was now too late to correct this behaviour. Because without uttering a word, he grabbed you by the back of your neck, claws digging into the delicate skin, and pushed you down to the ground, until you were where you should have been from the start: on your knees.
His lip twitched slightly, and he bared his fangs in a condescending grin.
`You betrayed me, whore. I thought you were better than to fuck around while I am away. You will pay for this and by the end of it you will be begging me to stop´´.
The look in his eyes was growing more and more terrifying. There was lust, but also something cold and cruel, you only saw this once before… when he was fighting his enemies. A shiver ran down your spine.
`´Is he really going to kill me? ´´ you thought.
Sure, he spared the young upper moon, but only because Muzan intervened. The youngster was obviously valuable to him. This angered Kokushibo even more than your betrayal. But why would he spare you? You were replaceable, only made his lover because of your looks and charm. He could have anyone he pleased… He could now smell your fear, it surged through his senses like a powerful stimulant, it was awakening his aggression and sending it to new heightened levels.
``Do you think I am going to kill you, hm? That would be too easy on you. I still want you around to please me. So no, I shall spare your life, but after tonight you will learn your place´´.
In complete silence, he untied his hakama and revealed his enormous member, already erect, with precum dripping down the shaft. Normally, you would start your usual routine of sucking and licking, but this time you did not even have time to react before his hand twisted your hair in a tight grip and yanked your head forward toward his cock.
``Open your mouth´´ he commanded in a voice so hoarse and deep that despite the overwhelming fear, you felt your juices run down your thigh.
Like a puppet you obeyed and with one brutal move, he shoved the entire length of his cock into your throat. He groaned and started pumping at a relentless tempo. His spare hand was now gripping your throat, while the other was holding a firm grip on the back of your head with your hair tied around his thick wrist. You could barely breathe now, being basically on the verge of fainting. You were seeing stars but for all the wrong reasons. Eventually, you felt his cock grow and within seconds he came deep inside your throat, his orgasm accompanied by a powerful thrust. He kept on pumping, letting all his seed come out properly until pulling out. You slumped on the ground like a ragdoll. Spit and semen dropped out of your ruined mouth.
Without a word, he grabbed you under one of your arms and dragged you to the futon. With ease, possessing such unearthly strength, he tossed you onto the mattress. You were now on your back with him towering over you. With one quick move, he ripped your clothes off exposing your naked body to the beast that he was quickly turning into.
He then removed his kimono. As always, you gasped at the sight of his magnificent, perfectly toned strong body. His black hair clinging to his sweaty chest in unruly locks.
His long, sinewy, and clawed fingers started to trace your folds, spreading them and rubbing slightly. You were wet and needy. A moan left your lips when he parted your folds fully and pressed one of his fingers against your clit. His movement was lewd and lazy. He positioned himself between your legs and in an unkind manner kicked them to the side to make more room for himself. Once again, without a warning, he thrust his cock inside you with one quick move. This time it was your cunt he started abusing. The initial pain quickly dissipated into indescribable pleasure as his full length and girth were hitting all the right spots. Your moans were growing louder, but just as you were nearing your release, he pulled out.
``Do you think I am here to please you, bitch? Do you?´´
He almost hissed into your ear, his weight crushing you under him and leaving you gasping for air. His lips traced down your neck, bared fangs grazing along, leaving marks.
He raised himself up to hover over you and his eyes grew darker. He grinned as he lifted himself off you completely, he was now kneeling between your legs. Very quickly, his huge arms, wrapped around your ass and waist flipped you on your belly. He moved closer to you spreading your legs with his rough hips and thighs. You were aching to come, to make love to him, to feel pleasure, but you did not even dare to think the thought anymore.
``Please, Master, I am so sorry, I really did not mean…´´.
You could not finish your sentence because a large hand firmly covered your mouth.
``Shut up! You will speak when I tell you to speak´´ he growled.
He was now rubbing his hard cock on your folds, only to coat himself with your juices. Once he thought the lubrication was sufficient (for him, but not for you), he stretched your ass with one hand and positioned the tip of his cock on your asshole.
You were truly terrified, `` he would not, would he? `` Sure, the two of you had the occasional anal sex, but he was always gentle, there was sufficient foreplay and extra lubricant. But this? This meant one thing: pain. And the pain you would receive; because as roughly as he handled your mouth and cunt, he now did the same to your ass.
The scream that left your lips was animalistic to say the least. The pain was agonising, but your reaction only seemed to arouse him even more. He leaned down over you and sank his sharp fangs into your back, drawing blood. He was thrusting at a fast and brutal tempo, the rhythmic sound of skin slapping against skin reminded more of a satanic chant than lovemaking.
The force of his thrusts was sending you forward as you tried to hold on to the sheets as best as you could. At this point, tears were rolling down your cheeks and you felt like you were sinking into a dark haze of pain and hopelessness, but also, as sick as it was:....lust.... After what felt like an eternity, he finally released himself in you. Maybe this was finally the end of it, of the punishment.. Maybe now you would get to ease your pent up desire.... But no.
He was now sitting on the futon, his legs spread, his cock already semi erect and his scarred chest glistening with sweat, all the while you were curled up on your side, marked and destroyed. The sheets were stained with cum and blood. But he didn´t let you rest.
His powerful arms pulled you up to a kneeling position in front of him. He gripped your face and moved his close to yours. He was about to kiss you. That would be a relief. But then.. you looked into his eyes and realised that the cold and cruel fire was still there. So indeed, he kissed you, but this was not a kiss of affection. It was the kiss of possessive power. His long demon tongue was deep in your throat, suffocating you and making you gag. His fangs bit your lip. He pulled away and looked at you.
``Now you will beg me for mercy, for forgiveness. You deserve everything that I am choosing to do to you.´´
He tightened his grip on you.
``So now, slut: BEG! ´´
His deep voice was teasing your insides, stirring up fear and arousal all the same.
`` I am so sorry, Master. I have been stupid, ungrateful. I know that I do not deserve your mercy, but I beg you to stop the punishment, to stop my suffering. I will do anything. Please Master, I beg you for your mercy``.
The look in his eyes softened slightly, the cold rage subsiding, but the savage lust-filled darkness was still there, merciless and wild.
`` I accept your apology, but I´m afraid that there is only one way for you to make your apology mean something``
With one powerful movement, using only one of his arms, he shoved your head into his lap, once again growling his command
``open your mouth´´
and once again he shoved his now fully erect cock into your mouth.
``I am only getting started with you, this will be your lesson to not ever wrong me like this again´´.
And the night was only young…
Banners by @cafekitsune
Hey there, my beloved @doumadono @muzansfangs @sunsblaze @horror4themasses @shonen-brainrot @crystalwolfblog @sunandflame @peachdues @cursetopia2 @warringwarrioridiot and everyone of my dear friends and mutuals ♥️. I'm re-releasing my fics. It will be a slow process over the course of next year. Thank you for your support 🙏 ❤️ 💕
#demon slayer#kimetsu no yaiba#kny#kokushibo#mrs kokushibo#demon slayer kokushibou#kokushibou#demon slayer kokushibo#kny kokushibo#kokushibo x reader#kokushibo x y/n#kokushibo x you#michikatsu smut#tsugikuni michikatsu#kokushibo smut#michikatsu x reader#demon slayer michikatsu#kny michikatsu#michikatsu tsugikuni#michikatsu x y/n#demon slayer smut#kny smut#kimetsu no yaiba smut#demon slayer x reader#demon slayer x you#demon slayer x y/n#demon slayer x female reader#kny x reader#kny x y/n#kny x you
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Glamour Witch 🕯
A guide to confidence, beauty, & self love 🪞🩰🦢🍒💌
How I made glamour magick efficient for me and why working with the goddess Aphrodite shifted my self concept + help me connect to the divine feminine 🕊
First let's do a back story on my relationship with my matron 🌸:
My spiritual awakening happened when I was 17 years old after experiencing the loss of a loved one and coping with past trauma. I went into my adolescence with fear, agony, and poor self esteem. I was very much so a tomboy as a teenager (to this day I still have masculine qualities that I am now proud of and balanced it with my feminine side) but I was so out of touch with what being a "girl" was. I felt really self conscious about not being "woman" enough and had a complicated view on my gender (since I realized I was nonbinary at 14). I became interested in the occult since I grew up in a spiritual household (crystals, manifestation, etc) but never really got to engage with things like tarot or witchcraft because it was considered taboo. I had a reading done one day and I was told that Aphrodite wanted to work with me as my deity. My teenage self was confused by this because I thought - "The goddess of beauty and love wanted to work with me? Well that can't be right." I was expecting something more dark or cool like Hades or Hermes or whatever because that was just my personal style since I dressed very alternatively. I was nervous, but also intrigued. As I begun to pray to her and started doing spellwork - I felt safe, I felt loved, it was like a mother watching over me. I started learning how to do makeup for my ethnic features and became more educated about fashion and what it means to really be a true feminist. I learned to say fuck the binary system and made my own definition of not what just being a "woman" is but also what being "feminine" meant to me, period. You can be whatever you want to be and be beautiful regardless of what your appearance is like. Some days I want to wear snapbacks and sneakers, other times I wanna wear high heels with a flattering dress. I do what makes me feel comfortable and that's nobody's business but mine. Society made us believe that being sensitive, caring, or intuitive - the traits of the divine feminine (which we have in us all) as bad when it's not. There's strength in being soft and delicate. Be gentle towards yourself, my loves.
Embrace your shadow self to manifest your dream life ✨️:
You know what people will never tell you or admit to you on social media? Is that you can be self conscious and still be confident at the same time. Confidence is just being comfortable with yourself and knowing despite what you've been through or are feeling in the moment, it should not hold you back from achieving your fullest potential. Like Megan Thee Stallion said "Bad bitches have bad days too" And it's true! I have my good days and then I have my bad days, but even when I'm doubting or losing my faith, I always get back up by keep going. Why? It's because if I stop then I'm not living. I'm not being grateful for the life I still have while there are people out there battling severe illnesses and don't have much time left. Nobody wants to be candid and only want to portray themselves as perfect, when nobody is. It's a damaging narrative to think you have to be popping on social media and always staying positive. I don't know why being vulnerable is such a stigma these days. Everyone is scared of being hurt, sure, but there is so much power in knowing what you makes you happy and being able to voice what your wants/needs are. You get to live for yourself and not what others want you to be. Not to mention the importance of having the power and ability to set the boundaries your inner child probably never got to have?! I'm so tired of people spreading the belief of that you shouldn't talk about mental health, trauma, or personal fears because it makes you seem "weak" or "easy prey". That is the same tactics abusers use to make their victims stay hushed and makes them not able to stand up for themselves. That way of thinking is victim blaming! If you as a person, feel brave enough to discuss what the fuck is going on in your mind that does not make you a weakling, that makes you strong as hell. They are the weak ones for taking advantage of people who were already suffering. It's time to forgive yourself for your past mistakes and acknowledge what happened, but do not let it control you. You don't have to let go or get over it, it's okay if it's still a wound for you but you can choose to make it better by creating a better future by working with your higher self. Think about who you want to be, how you want to appear, what career you aspire to have, etc. Either write it down, visualize, or make a vision board. Release the old version of you and thank them for helping you survive.
I have been reading the book Mirror Work by Louise Hay and it entails about how the negative things people said or the difficult experiences we had dealt with in our lifetime gets stored in our subconscious mind. When we make jokes that are self depreciating or engage in self degrading behavior, it harms us even more, preventing us from maturing or loving ourselves. Doing shadow work is uncomfortable for everyone but it is a must to process the patterns in your life and learn as to why you become the person you are today. Being aware of your triggers and what makes you tick. Can make you more emotionally intelligent and be able to have a healthier conversation as well as creating lasting positive connections.
Books I recommend for subconscious reprogramming, shadow work, & healing from trauma:
Mirror Work by Louise Hay
"The Courage to" book series by Ichiro Kishimi & Fumitake Koga
Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend
The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle
The Self Confidence Workbook by Barbara Markway & Celia Ampel
Psychology of The Unconscious by Dr. Carl Jung
It Didn't Start With You by Mark Wolynn
You can also find shadow work prompts on pinterest.
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Don't just say it, do it! 11 ways to actually practice self care:
Making a goal and actually putting the effort in can be tough for some individuals, especially for those diagnosed with depression. That's why it's important to be patient with yourself and understand that healing is a journey, not a race! A youtuber I have been enjoying and watching lately is the critically acclaimed, thewizardliz: An Iranian woman who gives advice on confidence, discipline, and more! A video that I watched of hers recently was called and bluntly titled: "How to stop being lazy & pathetic". In most of liz's videos she is someone who is tough but is also tender. She explains that when we are procrastinating it's because we are thinking of just the end goal, which scares us and makes us overthink about what to do or how to do it. When really, we can just take small, simple steps at a time to reach towards what we wish to accomplish, so that way it will feel less intimidating. If you have a essay that's due for example, try to write a few sentences each day, or think about how good it would feel if you were to get a good grade on your paper. Think of it this way - Would you rather slack and be upset you failed? Or would you rather prevent that from happening so you can be proud of what you achieved? Figure out what motivates you as a person and write it down so you can always be reminded of the confident being you wish to become.
Journaling: This is such a crucial hobby that I believe everyone should have. Writing down your thoughts or feelings helps not only increases your intelligence and brain health, but it also helps navigate your feelings better when you are facing a problem. You are able to reflect inward and discover the different parts of your psyche that you never knew you had.
Art: Divine feminine energy embodies the source of creation and life. The same way people with wombs give birth to children, an artist's project can be their beautiful baby. Find what type of art form brings you peace and allows you to express yourself (poetry, songwriting, dancing, painting, woodcarving, etc).
Exercise: I know this is something that some people struggle with (me included 💀) and when people hear that it's like "Ugh, I don't wanna work out! It's too hard!" but just hear me out okay? We have to exercise so our internal organs can stay healthy. When we don't take care of ourselves by not at least taking 15 minutes out of our day by walking, exercising, or cardio, when there is 24 hours in a day... That is a major neglect to yourself. Just remember that it is a privilege that you still have the ability to move, jump, lift, run, squat, and even more. When there are people who suffer from chronic pain and disabilities that are still making sure to take care of their physical health because they have no other choice. When you think about how you're too "lazy" and you can't do it because of your "laziness", think of those people! Cherish the health that you have before it's too late. You can start by stretching, going for walks, or watching workout videos for beginners on YouTube.
Build a schedule: Having a routine is so important because it helps reduce stress and organizes the task that we have to do throughout our day. Make a sleep schedule for yourself as well. Going to bed late until 3 am in the morning or waking up too early is unsafe and makes you less alert when you are out in the world. So please be careful! Try to at least get 6 hours of sleep a day. Drinking tea, taking a warm bath, or using essential oils can help you fall asleep if you don't like using melatonin.
Cleanliness & Hygiene: It's unfortunate that I have to say this but some people were not taught by their parents on how to be clean. Or how cishet men feel that being hygienic is "gay". That's absurd! Everyone should have a clean house, clean body, and a good hygiene routine. There is no excuse for that. Even when I was depressed I still would get up to brush my teeth or wash my hair because I knew that if I were to ever go too long without taking care of my hygiene I'd have to deal with damaging my teeth, hair, or skin. Everything has a cause and effect when you neglect doing self care and that could also be apart of the reason why you feel so down about your looks is due to that lack of poor hygiene. It doesn't have to be anything extravagant and you don’t need to do a 10 step skincare routine all the time. You can buy beauty products for cheap at off price retail stores and can get combs, toothbrushes, etc, at the dollar store. All you gotta do is wash your face and shower daily (scrub in between your ass cheeks, please and thank you 💀), brush your teeth at least 3 or more times a day, moisturize with lotions, use a sunscreen (cus nobody got time for skin cancer), apply deodorant, and that's literally it. You can use toners, serums, and skin treatments if you feel like it but that’s not neccessary unless you have specific concerns (acne, wrinkles, etc).
Personal finance 💵: As a Capricorn ♑️, there is nothing more important to me than having my own money. Knowing how to budget and being responsible with your funds is so crucial. You can manifest prosperity and be wealthy, but if you don't know what to do with a million dollars, how could you ever receive it? It is so attractive when someone is wise with their money. I took elective classes in high school for commercial art, marketing, and personal finance so that way I could learn to how to be independent as an adult and not have to "hustle" or live the struggle life. Always take care of your household bills (utilities, repairs, gas for the car, etc.) first and then leave a certain amount for yourself for when you want to have fun, go shopping, etc. Learn about how to make an investment, as well as stocks, because that is another way that you can make a lot of money (and no I don't mean Crypto or NFTs 😭)
Education is key 📚: READ HEAUXS REEEEAD 👓 Make those sapiosexuals quiver with your big sexy brain 🧠. I just feel like in general we need to be knowledgeable about our history and *Jaden Smith voice* the political state of the world right now. Being dismissive and ignorant is a major turn off. You have to be able to know how to communicate in certain settings or talk about certain subjects, or else you're gonna just look and sound dumb. I don't care if you like to read about insects or flowers, just find a topic that interests you.
Boundaries: A simple way to start implementing self care into your daily routine is by being able to say "Yes." Or "No." I know for women it is hard to assert themselves and say no especially when there is a grimy ass man tryna flirt with you (ayoooo shawty 🤓), but for your own protection you gotta do it. When people know you are not stern and you are not able to defend yourself, they take advantage of that. It makes you an easy target. Let's say for a example, you have a overbearing parent that constantly drains and takes from your energy. This parent doesn't respect you and makes you feel bad about yourself because you let them. When they ask you for something, you can just say; "Thank you but I will not be doing that. It would be an inconvenience for me right now because I have to focus on ___" or "I would prefer not to do that because I have to do ___ this week and it's very important". Even if it's not anything actually important, still say no. Another example is if you have a friend that's toxic and is not elevating you in any type of way (mentally, emotionally, or finacially). Then tell them that and cut them off. You are not obligated to stay around anyone who brings you down. Here is a list of ways to set boundaries professionally. Also learn to stop over apologizing here is what you can do instead. Margot Robbie learned to say "Thank you" instead of saying "sorry" because of Barbie.
Meditation 🧘🏽♀️: A useful skill in embracing your thoughts, whether they are positive or negative, to help in finding your inner zen. Meditation was something that was tricky for me at first. Most people say to "empty your mind and be still" when meditating and for someone with ADHD, I was like... "Umm, this is boring 💀???" but overtime I tried it a few times again and have grown to appreciate it! I learned that meditation was actually quite helpful for me, especially when I felt burdened with too many tasks, or was dealing racing thoughts. It just really helped me calm down, especially when I was feeling overwhelmed (for people who experience sensory overloads I highly recommend!). I no longer feel ashamed or fearful of when a intrusive thought crosses my mind. I just simply let that thought pass through and go on about my day. The average young adult has over 6,000 thoughts a day, so why would I give something so meaningless power? I am in control of myself and what I react to. For this, it will allow you to do the same.
Spend time with a loved one: I'm sure we all have someone who we consider our comfort person or a special pet that makes us feel calm. Humans are animals, sometimes we need that social interaction to stay sane during troubling times. Make a phone call, text, or plan to meet up with a friend or family member this week. Maybe even step out of your comfort zone and ask an acquaintance out for lunch.
Be brave: Remember what I said about stepping out of your comfort zone? That's right. It's time to stop living a life of regrets and live a life of excitement. I want you to think about something you've been really wanting to do lately but haven't pursued it yet because of fear, doubt, or limiting beliefs. Take a deep breath and release it to the universe, your spirit guides, or any deity that you worship. Maybe there is a person you have a crush that you have been wanting to ask out lately or have been wanting to dye your hair a new color but were afraid of how it would turn out. Whatever it is, just have courage to go after what you want for once. For being brave is just about taking a leap of faith, even when you are scared.
How to awaken your inner goddess ✨️:
Loving yourself shouldn't be a chore, it should be a ritual baby 😌! Now for my beginner witches or practioners in closed practices. I know it can be intimidating to start doing deity work. That's why you have to take things slow and go at your own pace. I always recommend starting with doing a cleansing (burning incense, spraying florida water, etc) or a protection spell before doing any other kind of magick. Even though yes, I do worship Aphrodite, it is not neccessary for people to only go to her for a "glow up". There are sooooo many deities who are also gods or goddesses of love, beauty, etc. Naturally, a deity will show you signs that they wish to work with you, so makw sure to be on the look out for that!
Also if you are a woman of color like mwuahhh 😘 then here are a list of deities that also represent love, confidence, beauty, fertility, & creativity in African, Asian, Indigenous, & Pacific Islander religions:
Oshun (closed practice / Yoruba)
Yenaya (closed practice / Yoruba)
Hathor
Bastet
Isis
Astarte
Rati (Hinduism)
Lakshimi (Hinduism)
弁才天 / Benzaiten (Japanese Buddhism)
자청비 / Jacheongbi
仰阿莎 / Yang Asha
Liễu Hạnh
Mayari
Laka
Xochiquetzal
Estsanatlehi
Other deities are:
Apollo, Cupid, Eros, Priapus, Min, Brigid, & Dionyus
There is also ascended masters, saints, archangels, ancestors, & spirit guides that you can connect with. I recommend building a relationship with your ancestors first.
How to talk your deity:
Create an altar for them or a sacred space.
Cleanse the area to avoid interacting with trickster spirits.
Place offerings on the table (make sure to look up what offerings they like!).
Light a candle or burn incense for them.
Write them a letter or pray. You can ask them for help with your specific needs or just talk to them about your day or how you are currently feeling.
BE CONSISTENT! Deities are not one of your little friends, they are gods/goddesses. Show them respect by praying, including them in spellwork, and giving them offerings frequently (they are understanding if you cannot give them food or drinks all the time though if you cannot afford it).
The final boss, The Enchantress 🔮❄️:
"SHADOW MONEY WIZARD GANGGG! We love casting spells 😈"
Alright, alright. I know you guys were reading all this thinking "Bitch where tf is the tutorial??? 😭" BUT WHAT I HAD TO SAY WAS IMPORTANT SO YOU CAN HAVE LONG TERM RESULTS 💀! Here is the moment you've all been waiting forrr 🤭!
101 on Glamour Magick:
The days of the week are connected to the planets.
Friday is a good day for casting love and beauty spells since it's ruler is Venus. While on Monday you can cast spells for healing & enhancing psychic powers, since it's ruler is the Moon. Thursday's ruler is Jupiter so you can cast spells for money and prosperity.
Buy a mirror that is for your special use only (If someone ends up accidently using it it's okay nothing bad will happen to them). Spray it with a window cleaner and wipe it down counter clockwise, say what your intention is for the mirror as you clean it. You can buy any kind of mirror you like (compact mirror, hand held mirror, desktop mirror, etc).
You can use your mirror for scrying or seeing into the future (divination).
When doing your mirror work, look into your eyes, and affirm to yourself. It can be anything you wish to say. Just let it flow naturally. It might feel uncomfortable at first but as you continue to practice it you will feel more confident about it.
Include your deity while affirming. (When I do this, I show appreciation to Aphrodite, and thank her for blessing me with such beauty and grace. Even when in the moment I don't have the results I wish to see, I know it is going to happen because I have faith in her.)
Ask your ancestors what their beauty rituals and regimes were. Doing routines that your ancestors did will create a closer bond with them and also build confidence in your ethnic features.
Items that are represented as love: roses, cinnamon, honey, sugar, vanilla, coriander, basil, chamomile, carnations, tulips, lockets, keys, & hearts
Items that are represented as beauty: cowrie shells, orchids, peony, ribbons, veils, & bows
Items that help enhance intuition: seashells, conch shells, rosemary, lotuses, & feathers
Chinese guashas & jade rollers help reduce stress, tension, and puffiness in your facial muscles. It can also help sculpt your face.
African waistbeads were worn by women under their clothes to help slim their waist and also attract love. Depending on the crystals used, it would also help manifest abundance.
Some beauty crystals used for love, beauty, & intuition are: Rose quartz, jade, pink tourmaline, moonstone, amethyst, selenite, garnet, carnelian, and turquoise.
You can carve sigils or symbols onto your candle, an easy one to use is the venus symbol ♀️.
A list of meanings for the scents of the candle, wax, or deodorizer in your home. Here is the list for incense.
Candles are great to seal your spell jars or use on their own for magick.
A list of different burning sticks you can use (smudging, white sage, and Palo Santo is a closed practice)
The scent of your perfume can be used for seduction or attracting love/popularity.
Soap, shampoo, or conditioner can be used to cleanse your energy.
Ingredients in foods, cleaning, haircare, skincare, or beauty products can have magical properties that you can attract towards you or your home. (I.E: Lavendar for peace & tranquility, Lemon for warding off negative energy, & Vanilla for love)
"The hair theory" trend is a form of glamour magick. Doing your hair differently can create a new persona and change how people perceive you.
Depending on your hair color it can represent the elements.
Your hair texture can symbolize what power you possess: Coily hair grows upward and rises towards the sun. When using their awareness, they are highly observant and courageous. Coily hair has the fire element. Curly hair breaks hexes and spiritually protects the mind. Due to it's volume and resemblance to a cloud, it has the air element. People with wavy hair are intuitive, affectionate, and sensitive, their element is water. Straight hair is the most connected to the earth. People with this hair texture can be introverted, dependable, and grounded.
Your hair length signifies your current state of energy.
Short hair is connected to father sky.
Long hair is connected to mother earth.
It is best to cut your hair when you are in need of releasing stress, anguish, and turmoil.
You can set your intentions into the hair that you braid.
Black people can cornrow patterns or symbols onto their scalp for manifestation.
Locs symbolize freedom and wisdom from the ancestors.
Twists can be used for spiritual binding.
Read here for more on hair witchcraft & hair astrology.
Wearing headscarves, hijabs, bonnets, durags, or hats can protect you from the evil eye or if you're an empath, it can protect your energy from being drained in public spaces.
Do not make any physical changes during a Venus retrograde.
Plastic surgery can alter one's identity. It is like putting on a different mask. It can become an addiction to people who feel lost in life. While for others it can give them a new path to start on.
You can paint sigils or symbols for nail art.
The nail shape you have or get done at a salon can correspond to Onychomancy (https://www.tiktok.com/@taisoleil/video/7035737221068082479?_t=8etXLhtR3LH&_r=1)
You can also use yours or other's eyebrows for divination.
Straight eyebrows: someone who is level headed. Round eyebrows: someone who is compassionate with a kind heart. Arched eyebrows: someone who is independent. Thick eyebrows: someone who can be stubborn and goal oriented. Thin eyebrows: someone who is bold and daring. No eyebrows: someone who is a risk taker and can be careless. The unibrow: symbolizes good luck, fertility, & serendipity.
Your eyelashes are for good luck (which is why people make a wish on fallen lashes, they are similar to dandelions).
Different lash styles can be used as a "barricade".
Manga/spiked lashes: makes you appear pure & innocent, can get away with stuff more. Fluffy lashes: depending on the thickness, it can resemble a spider, therefore can cause someone to have a intensive aura. Cat/hybrid lashes: Increase in clairvoyance, see past the 3D, and have the senses of a feline. Natural lashes: The gaze will be comforting and welcoming to others, they can see into your soul.
Your eye color can mean what powers you have for spells. Colored contacts can create a different outcome.
Glasses can be used for insight and enlightenment. While sunglasses or shades, can make you more mysterious/hide your identity.
For those with periods, cycle syncing can help with increasing productivity.
Depending on your body shape, weight, & features it could symbolize your status in society.
In ancient Greece, people who were voluptuous with plump bellies were seen as healthy & rich. It was a sign of being well fed and treated like royalty.
In Africa & Southeast Asia, long necks signify having dignity & elegance.
Being tall could be seen as powerful, while being short could be seen as delicate. If you are average height, you could be seen as harmonious.
Physiognomy is the method of using the face & body for divination. In China, it is a popular method for readings.
Moles, birthmarks, & skin tags are believed to be the sign of being a Witch.
Vitiligo can mean spiritual purification & finding beauty in your imperfections.
It has been said that freckles are kisses from the angels. These people themselves can be described as earth angels or have a closer connection with archangels.
The form of your freckles can symbolize different things. If they form in a straight line, it could mean you are a focused person. If they are scattered, you like to go with the flow in life. If your freckles come and go during the seasons, you like to experience change or excitement often in your life.
Freckles & beauty marks overall show signs of a person having a unique character.
The clothing you wear can have a mystical effect.
Baggy/layered clothing: spiritually protective. Revealing clothing: free spirited & alluring. Patterned clothing: Makes you illusive or hard to decipher. Animal print clothing: embodies the energy of said animal (I.E: Tiger print would make you appear cunning & fierce). Colorful clothing: your spirit will seem more youthful & vivacious.
The shoes you wear can make you walk into new opportunities unexpectedly.
You can keep a piece of paper that has a spell in your shoes for good luck or attracting your desire.
Buying shoes and watches for your romantic partner is bad luck in hoodoo (Shoes can make someone walk out the door and leave forever. While watches can make someone look at the time they have left with you.)
Earrings can help you hear what others say about you or what gossip is going around. (I heard the most compliments the other day while wearing my gold hoops 💫)
A necklace that has a charm or crystal can be used as a tailsmans, amulet, or pendulum.
Wearing rings on which hand or finger could enhance your abilities.
The same way there is money bowls, you can also make love or beauty bowls, or even use your jewelry box.
You can use color magick when doing your makeup or choosing an outfit.
Primer, lotions/moisturizers, body butters, oils, and gels can be used for sigils.
Foundation is for stability and being secure with yourself.
Concealer "cloaks" or "veils" your weaknesses or insecurities.
Contour makes space and structure for your desire.
Eyeliner can be used as a tool. It wards off negative spirits & people with bad intentions.
In ancient Egypt, the use of Kohl represented rank and achievement.
Mascara can be used to give you a different perspective in things or make you more open minded.
Eyeshadow enhances your eyes & brings more depth or dimension. Makes your gaze hypnotic & enticing like a siren's.
Highlighter shines your best qualities.
Bronzer makes your presence more warm & friendly
Blush is for playfulness, youthfulness, flirtation, and vitality.
The lip product you use can speak your desires into fruition. It also make your words sound more beautiful. People will want to listen more because they will feel attracted to your voice.
Lip gloss: makes your intentions "stick" to you. Lipstick: Leaves a "mark" on your target (especially if it's someone you fancy 💋). Lip stain: makes your words have a permanent effect on people, they won't forget you. Flavored lip balms: makes your kisses addicting.
Powder enhances your spell & adds a touch of good luck.
Setting spray finishes the spell.
528 Hz is the frequency of love.
Listening to frequencies, music, & subliminals can attract your desires.
You can make a playlist for your deity or ancestors to channel messages from them.
Here are some celebrities who used mirror work or glamour magick to manifest:
Beyoncé's Renaissance album has themes of having a good self concept, knowing your worth, manifesting self love & abundance.
Marilyn Monroe used visualization & affirmations to manifest her beauty and fame: “I daydreamed chiefly about beauty. I dreamed of myself becoming so beautiful that people would turn to look at me when I passed.”
Michael Jackson would keep sticky notes and a diary full of affirmations in his room by his mirror: “I'm beautiful (4x). I'm gorgeous. [Bad..?] Is for me, who can be against me? I'm beautiful. I'm a new person now. Beautiful, knowing the secret, and determined with fire[?] to move mountains in all I do. Molding my own world. I'm beautiful. The old me is behind. I will much ahead anew. - MJ”
Alexa Demie stated in a interview with Vogue that she would say affirmations in the mirror daily in the morning and it helped her manifest clear skin: “I have beautiful, clear, acne-free, scar-free skin.”
Princess Nokia is a bruja and is well known for her constant change in appearance: “Casting spells with my cousins / I'm the head of this coven / I'm a shapeshifting bitch, you don't know who you loving.”
Thanks so much for reading, I wish you all the best of luck on your journey 🤍🤍🤍
#witchcraft#witches of color#witches of tumblr#love spell#glamour magick#mirror work#spell work#astrology#astro observations#pac#pick a card#affirmations#law of assumption#manifestation#ascendant#rising sign#desired appearance#shadow work#tarot#astrology observations#free readings#divine feminine#Aphrodite#hoodoo#greek mythology#orisha#oshun#yemaya#deity work#apollo
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I have an opinion about Holly Kujo and I’m a little scared cause I dont know the Jojo fandom enough to come in with what I think is a hot take.
I’ve noticed that, in fanworks, a lot of people portray Holly as tougher than she is in the show. And it makes sense, cause the idea of her being so weak-willed that she couldn’t handle a stand when even baby Shizuka could manifest one is kinda bs and a testament to Araki not being very confident with writing women at the time (thank GOD he got better though, so, so much better).
But. What always gets me is when her relationship with Jotaro is written to be a little more standard, still loving but with the child having a healthy fear of their mom’s anger- unlike what we see in Stardust, with him constantly being a brat, calling her “bitch” and her shrugging it off with an “Okay!”. also him getting himself thrown into jail while she still can’t bring herself to get mad, just upset. And the fanfic take a very fun play on them too, but I just worry that people who default to this dynamic for Jojo and Holly might not see how the canon characterization of their relationship is interesting in its own right.
Because even tho Holly being a doormat is a creative choice born from Araki pussying out of giving her a stand, it doesn’t change the fact that once he made that choice he gave it great importance. I think the fact that Holly’s idea of supporting her son is just accepting everything he does without any anger, is central to their relationship. It’s how, despite having a mother who loves him unconditionally, Jotaro is still a very troubled teen and emotionally withdrawn. Though it’s easy to blame it on Sadao’s implied absence, or troubles in school, we don’t have a lot of textual evidence for that.
But kids who are raised without at least some semblance of discipline and structure typically stop seeing their parents as authorities, and most importantly, protectors. A more textually-backed explanation for why Jotaro is always acting tough and independent is because he doesn’t have any adults in his life who he would trust to help him. He loves his mom, he traveled the world to save her life, but while doing that he saw himself as her protector, not the other way around, not the way it typically should be.
Think about, for example, how the adult he mouths off to the least in his life is probably Avdol. And I think part of that is because Avdol walked into that police station, took one look at Jotaro, and instantly clocked everything I just said. Because while Holly and Joseph tried to to get him out with simple words (and for Holly, tears), Avdol was there to force him out. And at first Jotaro says, “If he tries to force me out, I’ll just stay here even longer”, but Avdol doesn’t give him a choice. And he doesn’t win by overpowering him (if he had, I dont think he’d have gotten the same positive result, I am not pro setting troubled teens on fucking fire) but he outsmarts Jotaro and doesn’t quit the fight until his goal is achieved. He stays in control of his emotions when talking to him, and proves himself to be someone strong and assertive. So later, on the trip to Cairo, Jotaro is more willing to rely on him than he is to rely on his own grandpa. (+, it’s a similar thing with Kakyoin, who he trusts almost more than anyone else, because he saw Kakyoin’s will and power first-hand when they met, and left with the lesson that Kak is someone he can rely on to protect of both himself and Jotaro. Someone with strong convictions, but most importantly, willing and capable of clashing with Jotaro if necessary.)
All this to fucking say. In a world in which Jotaro was raised to fear his parent’s reprimands (and I don’t mean fear to an unhealthy amount, an abusive amount), he would act very differently than he does in the show, and his relationships to other characters would probably look very different. Holly’s personality and parenting might seem like it was an afterthought to Araki, but I think he truly did take great care in making it consistent with her son’s character. She is a very loving mom, who is very loved in return, but what I think a lot of people perceive as a flaw in her writing is actually just a flaw in her character, with narrative weight and interesting consequences. And I’m not sure how many people are really aware of that.
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