#I’m not sure why im making this post
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love when this is referred to as the gifted kid website. shockingly my mental disorders made me mentally disordered and school never really vibed with that so. couldn’t be me
#ppl always talking about their whatever grade reading level and how many books they’d read as kids and im just over here like🧍🏽#I’ve never been actually bad at english or reading but I couldn’t focus on reading books to save my fucking life#I hated those sheets where you had to read like a certain number of books or whatever over the course of a semester or the year or whatever#my GATE test scores for english were super high but my math was bad enough that I never qualified#and adhd made me not even perform well in English half the time because I couldn’t pay attention I couldn’t read long books I couldn’t turn#in my assignments or if I did they were late and etc etc etc#don’t get me started with math#I was the worst in my class in third grade at minute math and never made it to the levels of minute math my classmates did#(they posted results on the wall for everyone to see)#and in 6th grade I was put into an additional remedial math class#throughout middle-high school I was at the level of most classmates in terms of the classes I took but that’s only because I was not allowe#to fail and was put through absolute fucking hell with a billion tutors and grueling hours of extra work from them and blah blah blah#like I remember how I felt in those tutoring sessions and half the time I actually wanted to cry.#I didn’t start doing solidly genuinely Good in school until senior year of high school.#not coincidentally around the same time I started taking adderall I think#I had accommodations by 9th grade but they didn’t do that much except for the function that let me turn in assignments up to 2 days late#without penalty. which i had teachers question sometimes and i had to pull the Yeah it’s Literally Against The Law to not allow me this car#anyway. point is. i was never in the gate program and most of my friends were and it was mostly adhd related#adhd is considered such a quirky nothing disorder nowadays that I don’t even like mentioning I have it really. because what people think of#when I say the term is Not what i actually dealt with and made school torturous and made my parents lash out at me for things and etc etc#depression and dysphoria did not help either. but I digress#I’m not sure why im making this post#kibumblabs
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@/coma_0423’s cursed cat alastor will bring you happiness ♥️
Lulu scolds the cat
#I could’ve sworn I posted this doodle#I took a break from drawing stuff to doodle this lol#I’m learning clip studio paint! it’s very exciting but challenging so things are moving slow#rn I’m working on the anthology comic#but then back to my bullshit#but school starts next week#hnggg#im sure I’ll find time to slack off tho and draw#also unrelated to that but related to this post#is it weird that it’s so important to me that everyone knows cursedcatalastor’s author#he really became a sensation#which is cool as hell#but idk I just like the thought that people know who designed this lil guy#ESPECIALLY WHEN PPL TRY TO MONETIZE UGH THAT MAKES ME SO UPSET#anyway lemme go make brekky sorry for rambling#tho if you’re reading this#why do u read all my tags im literally an insane person#okay gtg bye ily#hazbin hotel#my doods#hazbin hotel fanart#alastor#cursed cat alastor#liked by creator#forgot that one#lol it’s what reminded me to post this here in the first place
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so I’ve been gaining a lot of insight into the animation industry recently, especially in regards to pitching & the creation of new shows. There’s a few ways to go about it.
First, there’s pitching to a studio. When you pitch, it has to be SHORT and CONCISE. You may write a lovingly detailed pitch bible that perfectly breaks down episodes and characterizations, and it might barely even get read. First impressions, first impressions, first impressions!
Most peoples’ first projects don’t get picked up. I’ve heard a few stories from directors that said they tried pitching a story they’d had for years, which got rejected, to then spend a week or even several hours in their car coming up with a new idea, only for that to get greenlit.
But that’s not the end of it. Just because a show gets greenlit, doesn’t mean it will ever get finished. There’s lots of things that can happen. Sometimes, unexpected major world events (like… a global pandemic) can cause projects to get chopped. Sometimes, a CEO change or studio merge means a single person can decide a project “no longer fits with the company’s brand.” Sometimes, the one producer that was rooting for your project gets laid off, and no one else cares enough, so it gets shelved. Sometimes, a streaming service decides to create an animation department, and then they decide they don’t want it anymore. Sometimes, the studio will be simultaneously be developing another project that was too similar to yours and they just didn’t think to tell you until they decide yours is the one with less potential.
On top of that, almost everyone in the industry is saying that “studios just don’t pick up original content anymore.” Studios want something they can franchise, something that will bring in money. New content is risky. Established fanbases are safer.
However! Studios can still be a very good thing. They can be unionized. They can provide better benefits and resources. They can have connections and infrastructure and a larger volume of workers. At a studio, you can divide the labor and produce more in less time. Longer episodes, longer seasons, more consistency in quality.
But this comes with all of the disadvantages of having more in the kitchen.
The alternative is indie animation.
With indie animation, you have total freedom. Full artistic control. It doesn’t even matter if your idea sucks ass, because there’s no one to tell you you can’t make it. You could make it anyway, and you can make it whatever you wanted.
The thing is, making animation is hard. In my production class last semester, the average maximum animation one person could make in that timeframe was 30-60 seconds, and that’s not even counting background design, sound design, or cleanup/color. To make a 5 minute animated short, you should probably have at least 5 people.
And it is CRUCIAL you have a production manager. Ideally someone who’s not already doing art for the project. Most projects without a production manager will fall apart pretty quickly. Once the adrenaline and impulse-fueled motivation wears off, you need someone to hold you accountable and enforce deadlines and proper time management.
Speaking of time, that’s also hard to get. The more people you have, the more likely schedules won’t line up. Most people will have school, or other jobs.
And it costs MONEY!!!!!! You either have everyone work for free and volunteer their time & energy, or you establish a business as a proper indie studio, with people who may or may not have experience on how to handle paying someone else’s salary. And the money has to come from somewhere, so you have to rely on crowdfunding like patreon or kickstarter. (This, by the way, is why I could never fault an indie animation for releasing merch with their pilot.)
And like, maybe you wanna do a series, and all your friends agree to volunteer their labor and time to make the first episode, but it was unanimously not sustainable. Deciding not to produce a second episode until you can raise enough money is not being suddenly greedy, it’s attempting to compensate people rather than expecting them to be continuously taken advantage of.
You have to consider your output as well. There are some outliers like Worthikids, who afaik does all his animation himself, and afaik can work on it full-time thanks to his patreon subscribers. And he still has only produced a total of 30 minutes of animation (for Big Top Burger specifically) in the past 4 years. This is an IMPRESSIVE feat and this is with using a lot of 3D as part of his pipeline!!
Indie animation also has the complication of being more accessible for fandoms. When you’re posting your Official Canon Content on youtube, it doesn’t look a lot different than the fandom-created video essay in the sidebar next to it. What’s canon vs what’s fanon becomes less distinguishable. The boundaries are blurrier. When the creator is just some guy you follow on twitter, it’s easier to prod them for info regarding ships and theories and word-of-god confirmation. They don’t have a PR team or entire international tv networks to appeal to. And this is when creators get frustrated that their fans snowball and turn their creation into something they don’t recognize (and no longer enjoy) anymore.
So it’s tricky.
Thankfully, the threshold to learn animation is fairly low nowadays!! There are TONS of resources online to learn it on your own without forking over a couple hundred thousand to a private art college. There are conventions and discord servers and events where you can network, if you know where to look.
I know it can seem discouraging in the face of capitalism, but I think that’s all the more reason why it’s so important to BE DETERMINED about animation!! We’re already starting to see the beginning of an indie animation boom, and I think it’s a testament to humanity’s desire to tell stories and create art. Even if there’s no financial gain, we do whatever it takes to tell our stories anyway.
#animation#2d animation#indie animation#long post#not 100% sure why I made this post#all this to say: I’m still not sure what direction I want to go towards for my own show#ngl!! i think im confident i could get people to like my show. i think I could find an audience#i have some experience at this point getting people to like my ocs#its just a matter of MAKING the damn thing
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Thinking abt trolls 3 and why it picked up so much traction compared 2 the other 2 movies. Like technological advancements aside I think the main thing is just the character lineup.
Movie one was mostly branch and poppy. All the kidnapped trolls operated as One entity really so it’s not like u could particularly??? Care about them too much. Bridget and Gristle were really really fun but the villain wasn’t anything particularly special or noteworthy judging by just how little people. Talk about her. OH and also creek was there (literally forgor im rereading this for typos and adding this now) but like. Oh no the guy who showed up for like 5 minutes is a Bad guy and im supposed to care about the quest to save him mostly just because theyre telling the audience they should care because Poppy cares . But theres just not a lot of setup (and Creeks just not that. Interesting?)
Second movie had considerably More bangers and was definitely going in the right direction character wise. But it had the Opposite problem with wayyy too many guys that were really interesting and not a lot of time to do anything with them. You get King Trollex’s intro, Biggie, Cooper and Prince D and their parents, Delta Dawn, and Allll the bounty hunter trolls, PLUS Barb and the rock trolls. Barb was definitely a prime example of a major upgrade from the movies, having a villain that the audience actually vibed with and u could Tell by fan reactions I think. (Parb sweep) But there was just. Sooo so much, on top of the lore dump and a plot that you really had to get cool with really quick to get invested in. theres a bunch of new trolls and these strings that are definitely super important promise (lie)
The third one feels like they finally like. Know what theyre doing. With their own universe. No big lore dumps, theres not even any Explanation for what Mount Rageous is, they just introduce you to it and the Rageons with confidence thru Velvet and Veneer and expect you to get it. Plus, theres still a lot of characters, but theyre much more tangibly connected now. All the brozone brothers are well established and have preestablished relationships with each Other so even if we dont get much time with them it doesn’t feel like theyre that out of place. It still requires some suspension of disbelief vis a vis “Branch had Four super secret brothers hes Never mentioned,” but they make it work and frankly, the set-up is a lot more easier to get invested in than “secret magical strings that Invented Magic I Guess.”
And with Brozone and Viva theres a connection To the main characters rather than just being tag-alongs for tag-alongs sake. They’ve all got their own niches to make them individually compelling but theres a connecting thread here so they still feel like they’re a part of the story. And they’re all there to do something!! And then Velvet and Veneer of course continue the vibe that Barb had of being villains with enough screen time and personality that you like them As characters and arent just viewing them as The Plot Obstacle. Which is cool i think. Overall i just think the third movie felt a Lot more confident to do what the fuck ever and thats Really good.
#dreamworks trolls#trolls band together#me when I’m saying so many words.#like obviously i think trolls 3 still has its issues with a crowded character lineup and flying by the seat of its pants plot wise.#but at this point the writers are so confident in their setup and they make things work so Well that i dont Care that much.#if im having a good time and you sell me on it then hell yeah branch used to be in a successful boy band.#and now his gay brother is being absorbed of his. troll magic? like sure why not.#text posts :0]
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thinking about Bodkin again bc I mean,,, ALL THE SYMBOLISM OHHHHHGH. i NEED some tumblr film analysis hobbyists to watch this show and tell me all the themes n such
#yes I’m making all these posts in a row#it’s bc I’m obsessed atm#mypost#Bodkin#bodkin netflix#PLEASSEEEEE#WHY DID THE PAPER MACHE HEAD LOOK LIKE GILBERT#CAN WE HAVE AN IN-DEPTH CONVERSATION ABOUT EVERYTHING ABOUT GILBERT BEING FORCED TO SWALLOW/CHOKE ON HIS WORDS (recorder) BUT THAT SOUND—HIS#STORY (HIS pov. however ‘abstract’ and detatched from consequence it may have been) BEING WHAT CATCHES EMMY AND DOVEs ATTENTION TO SAVE HIM#. LIKE#OUGHHHHHWJEHQIHSJSBWJXNAJSNNQJZNWHXJWHXJEBXNDUSBJS#AND THE WOLF IMAGERY PLS SOMEONE TELL ME ABOUT THAT#IS THERE MORE THAN THE SURFACE? what do I not understand? as im writing this out am thinking: ok its cause dove is a lone wolf#WAITTTT WAIT OMFG AND when she remembers that her mom told her to howl when she was lost… bc wolves actually have family and I’m p sure the#lone wolf thing is a myth… after she realizes that she’s not alone and she can choose to interact#GOD GRAHHHHH IM GOING CRAZY OVER THIS SHOW#other things I’m thinking abt (will maybe make a post abt?)#OUGH YEAH OK dove symbolism: wolf/lone wolf. sunglasses/shielding herself (OUGH AND SHE PICKS UP THAT XTRA LAYER OF DEFENCE WHEN SHE COMES#BACK TO HOMELAND/familiar space… bc she’s vulnerable to her past here…. hrahhh#. also LMFAO when she calls the sheriff a piggy#hrmmmmm aughhh I want to dissect Gilbert and Seamus’s friendship oughhh#ok wait even more on Dove: I want to dig into when she calls Emmy Emmy vs Sizargd (will have to look up the spelling whoops) —was it always#blatant manipulation? how much of it is a reflection of what she is? hrmmmm there’s so much there I think#another Q: why did Emmy call the tech guy Shitpants again at the end? ik there were the stakes I just wanna dig into her character more. why#would she say the shitpants thing instead of manipulating him in other ways? (not saying her was was unreasonable at all lol-j wanna dig#into her character.#OH prob something abt the whole ‘her needing to release her anger’ thing? idk ahh I want to analyze her more
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man i love open endings. the fact that thanks to yuuji there might indeed be the next time sukuna talks about in case some idiot decides to eat a finger again. and we need fics where yuuji is that idiot
#hiding this in the tags but i think jjk and mha kinda conveyed the same concept#i haven’t mentioned it because sukuita always steals 100% of my attention but gojo’s moment was great too! as i said i think gege stayed#true to his characters till the end and i’ve always thought gojo coming back to life was absolute bs not because i didn’t want him back but#because it would completely ruin what was trying to be told through his story. he carried out the destiny he was doomed to carry out and#gege even specified this for us and /why/ it’s going to be different for yuuji#it can also be found in the way gojo and sukuna fought vs yuuji and sukuna#and it’s rly similar to horikoshi’s concept of the new generation reaching out to the villains and trying to understand them & /that/ is#what ‘the greatest hero’ truly means#ok now i’m digressing because gojo was more about himself and the title he was stuck with but it’s all so similar you know#which brings me to my point (finally)#the fact that the villains always ‘loses’ in the end. and i’m thinking that letting them live would be such a risky direction to take bc#it’s so easy to make it either corny or unrealistic. if the whole thing is about succeeding in reaching out then it’s going to happen at the#very last. and realistically it’s going to be too late. they’re going to be too far gone and it sucks but that’s how it is#shoto can discuss soba with touya but he’s still slowly dying. you know#so the best we can hope for is that the battle the villain fought at least leaves a mark and they sure did#something something the bad guy changing the good guy as much as he changed him#so yeah um maybe i am making sense maybe i am not but i woke up this morning and kinda went insane because it dawned on me that yuuji gave#sukuna another chance to life taking himself out of the equation#UGH. CIGARETTE EMOJI#speaking of which i’ve been (im)patiently waiting for olasketches and cruyuu’s reactions#my fave people on tumblr are genuinely the first people i think about after something good happens#my post
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the movie version of “dancing through life” is so infinitely superior that i was convinced it was new.
i only saw the show one time when i was ten, and i have skipped the song on the og cast soundtrack ever since. i genuinely had no memory of it lol
#meanwhile I have been blasting the movie version like. nonstop.#wicked#wicked movie#negativity cw#idk how to make it so that musical-only stans (who I have not encountered but I’m sure exist) do not have to see this. sorry.#to be clear: this is the only song I feel this way about. I’ve been listening to the og soundtrack and gave it a shot.#why does it not slap at all. I’m genuinely baffled. everything else is amazing????#sorry for being a hater. no im not.#also I’m gonna try to be better about tagging wicked if anyone is getting annoyed with it lol#my posts
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I don’t see a lot of HC’s or depictions of Michael where he’s really quiet (or selectively mute) which is sort of surprising to me. Idk, maybe I’m not looking hard enough but I think it’s a cool idea!
I mean, is the silent protagonist of most of the games. He talks twice that I can think of, before he accidentally kills his brother and once in a weird speech where he’s vowing to find his father. But the first thing is before the incident that would probably prompt his silence and the second I’m not sure if that even actually happened? Like who is he talking to? That might just be for the player, but even if it isn’t that’s just one time and he’s monologuing. Other than that he’s completely quiet throughout the games even as he’s having his shit rocked by animatronics.
I personally think it’s really cool when characters don’t talk or are super quiet in media. I think that it makes sense for Michael and I personally imagine him being super quiet after the bite of 83. He’s traumatized obviously, and also doesn’t really have anyone to talk to anyway.
I don’t know, just something I’ve thought about.
#fnaf#five nights at freddy's#michael afton#I like him a lot#from being in other fandoms with silent protagonists I saw that a lot more in those#im not sure why it’s not as common here or if I’m just not seeing it#but I think it makes a lot of sense for him and I like my little theory a lot#idk maybe it’s better for fan content and stuff if he’s talking#that would make sense ig#like for VHS and Analog horror stuff#i don’t know much about selective mutism so I can’t really say anything about that#I don’t know if it’s a broad term or a specific thing or what#but anyway this is my post thank you for reading <3
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Thank u for being a billford hater ur blog is a Safe Space for those of us who hate that stupid triangle I was lowkey tearing my hair out during the stream from how much billford nonsense was in the chat thank u for being a kindred spirit, peace and love
fanks anon 🤸🏼♀️ peace n love
#source-accurate bill and ford is interesting to me for sure#but it’s the post canon redemption/argument that bill didn’t treat him badly is what really truly confuses me#also with the stream if someone wants to donate $5k for a billford drawing that will help rebuild somebody’s home#fine by me#it’s the biggest ship in the fanbase i’m not shocked#do i think that ship is ethical GOD NO but i just work here#and i don’t like getting into discourse so take what i say with a grain of salt im not smart enough to express it eloquently#but you know what i mean#it’s like nooo we have to redeem bill WHY? the whole point of his character is that he is an evil loser who wrecked ford’s life#abusive evil loser#also i think it’s funny how the cut page in the stream implies bill’s ’tragic backstory’ is entirely made up#like yall he is a FLAT CHARACTER he does not HAVE AN ARC that’s the POINT he’s irredeemable mr hirsch said it himself#therefore i fink source accurate bill and ford dynamic is fascinating but its never done right and it winds up minimizing what he did#to ford like it’s unforgivable and evil#i digress#woah crazy tags here#anyway it’s early hope this makes sense i’m rambling
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literally i feel ridiculous after watching this show and not liking it. the person i watched it with is all “it was funny and cute is that not enough for you” like internal consistency and themes don’t matter at all and im crazy for thinking they do. but then i go online and the reception is negative but it’s just laundry lists of “bad things” that were depicted and little about the actual writing or production
#t#i know they exist!! i saw real criticisms for it before i watched it#ok whatever maybe i’m pretentious for thinking television should have good writing#and like yes yes i know im the first to argue ‘good/bad’ to review art is a prison for your mind and i like to make more specific#judgements about it. i don’t know what else to call it but bad though.#it’s an issue with the writing though mainly due to consistency (not having it)#clearly i’m very bothered by this i’m not quite sure why#maybe i will post that review afterall….. it feels mean only because i have nothing nice to say#even though i know people worked hard on it. i can probably find a few positives
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Why the fuck do I exist? Did God create me just to ruin others? I’m the cause of so much problems. If I didn’t fucking exist maybe things WOULD be better. Why the actual fuck did I do this. I’m a terrible fucking person. I wish I could just go to sleep & never wake up. Everything I fucking do ruins others. I ruin everything. Literally. How the fuck did I even get here? How am I still alive? Fear of death? Spite? I’m not sure. But I don’t want to be here anymore. I wish I could jump from the school rooftop & never look back. It’s so tempting. One day, I’ll try. Maybe by then I’ll have fixed all my mistakes.
#tw vent#vent post#tw vent post#tw sui ideation#tw sui talk#screams into the void#I hope this post gets 0 fucking notes#fucking scroll past this#i’m such a fucking mess#i shouldn’t be here#i wish i could fix all my problems#i should deactivate.#maybe.#i should deactivate this fucking account#maybe deactivate my FUCKING LIFE#…maybe taking a hiatus might help.#maybe. can’t be sure.#or maybe it’ll just make me spiral more#jesus i’m so fucking ready to die rn#i have fucking suicide notes#i just need to plan my death!! haha i’m so fucking idiotic#i already know i won’t do shit. why the fuck would i even plan it.#the only way out would be to (somehow) get on top of a tall building & jump#but guess what? there’s no tall buildings anywhere!!#haha….#im so fucking terrible.#i’m such a terrible fucking person. i shouldn’t be living the life i am.#i feel like shit#& i deserve to
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found a tier list thing for ranking all the wks creature power suit designs and figured it’d be fun :)
tier list maker is linked here if you’re curious
anyway here’s mine!
edit: i keep getting notifs for this so i wanted to add that the tiermaker was done by @/galmiahthepigeon !
#wild kratts#half of these are probably in the wrong places but i’m too sleeby to look at it anymore.#i HATE the hammerhead and wild pony suits#cant even stand to look at them#why would they make that#the top row are all very very dear to me but ESPECIALLY squirrel bat and bat eared fox powers#if i were to do a tier list that excludes everything here but the top row those three would be at the very highest#then raccoon and gazelle after probably#love those#also doing this made me realize that parrot powers (at least with the beak part activated) are the closest the show gets to full fursuits#UNLESS IM NOT SEEING SOMETHING THATS RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME ?#but in that one everything but his eye is covered. and i’m pretty sure that’s not a thing with any other powersuit ever#based on what i can see + remember at least#anyway. parrot and also heron and lawes’ perocia powersuits were designed so well and i’m mourning what the other bird suits could’ve had#the more i look at my filled out version of this chart the more i wanna change. because some of those are genuinely very well designed.#they just don’t have the visual appeal that for example the raccoon cps has for me. and i guess i mostly ranked them on visual appeal#kind of unfair because one can only make something like brine shrimp powers so appealing#but i’m gonna stop looking and just post it because this was fun to do
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ever since i came out as lesbian/sapphic to a close group friends it’s been okay. except now they dont even talk to me about my hobbies or my life anymore and literally only prod me about my sexuality ahaha. also WHY WOULD YOU YELL IT IN A PUBLIC FUCKING AREA TO EMBARRASS ME
#bird musings#hating my straight friendships (they talk about their dating life all the fucking time)#hating my queer friendships (they talk about their dating life all the fucking time)#maybe i just… need better friends#it’s not that deep except it is! ahahahahaha#like i’m sure theyre queer! but it doesnt give you a free pass to call me a dyke all the time 🤕 time and place for jokes!#and also the joke is meant to be FUNNY!!!#i need to meet more queer people who are friendship centered guys i cant take the dark pit that is this stupid expectation of dating. i cant#im sure this post makes sense somewhere but idk. just in a general fart about my relationships 🫤#especially when i find so many interactions of substance online. cause then its like#fuck people CARE about other shit than who i find attractive?#UGHGGHHGHFGH. and this is why im never coming out EVER AGAIN.#rant over time to go have a jolly day and maybe eat a bagel
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Reverse 1999 has such a death grip on my brain right now I can’t stop thinking about it
#SO EXCITED FOR 1.6#GETIAN IM COMINGGGG#but also Medicine Pocket has been at the center of the brainrot because omg#I want to study them under a microscope#they are so everything to me#every time I see them on screen I lose my mind#I’ll admit their voice caught me off guard at first but it’s grown on me. It works#Also I still don’t have them CURSE GACHA HELL RAGH#I’ve saved up for them tho. As soon as they get a rateup they’re mine#actually have almost double the amount for guaranteed so I’ll be able to get Getian and MedPoc guaranteed I’m winning#or at least I WILL BE#when they SHOW THEIR FACES#not sure who to save for after them#I’m thinking maybe Vila? She’s so cool I like her a lot#anyway no clue why I’m making this post just felt like it#maddiepost
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sometimes it takes really really paying attention to the lyrics for a song to sink in for me
sometimes what the artist is saying makes me very sad
#the sillies#i wanted to leave it in the tags bc i’m scared but#this is about sex drugs and rock and roll because ow#the way /i/ heard it this time was like calling out the fanbase to an extent#i know there’s some crazy shit that’s gone down with will woods fans#and that a lot of older fans have a lot of feelings about it#honestly i feel real bad because like#he’s been through some shit man and all that extra nonsense likely didn’t help#anyway#it just makes me sad when artists have batshit fans#it ruins it in a way like- man if i was a singer and my fans were fucking crazy i’d wanna quit all the time despite it being something#i really like to do you know?#anyhow i’ll leave you with these lines from the song#/newsfeeds groupies critics analytics/#/and starry-eyed stalkers who demand a man in lipstick/#/and a role model psycho but an echo in their chamber/#especially that second one#like he’s changed#and for the better! for himself!#maybe i’m way off#but there’s another line from a song in icimi that i can’t quite remember the song or line exactly#it’s a little foggy#but something along the lines of:#but im not that guy anymore and i made goddamn sure he’s dead#anyway this is a lot of nonsense#and maybe i’m wrong?#that’s why i didn’t put it in the post haha-
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it's Crab who does the saving. of course it is, the nurse, the silent, confident, so very calm one of them. the one who loves Benzedrine more than he could ever speak. of course it is. but he's not calm, and he's not confident. he is not the doctor. he's not meant to be. he's always been meant to be the support. that's where he thrives, where he was born to be. of course he would be the nurse. his heart is pounding and he's breathing fast, too fast, and sweating, he can feel it. he's terrified that he's wrong, that he's going to be wrong, that he's going to do something wrong and kill Benze instead of save him. he can't get the moment out of his head. the split second, not ten minutes ago, walking into the station and Benze on a chair, slumped over the table, unresponsive. he thinks his heart stopped, but it's beating too hard for asystole right now. he knows diagnostics. Benze taught him this. he knows what an overdose looks like not because of books the way Benze learned it but because he's seen it happen before. not often, but when partiers in the Zones get their hands on City drugs, they're prone to taking it too far. this isn't party drugs, though. that isn't Benze. the bottle on the table, empty but for a drop, reads morphine. Crab thinks of this morning, before they'd left for the track. Benze had been down, and hard, with a headache. he said it was normal. he said it was fine. but he hid under a blanket and groaned whenever Sandman or Donnie talked too loud. he'd been in pain. how long has this been happening? how bad has it gotten to warrant this? how desperate must he have been the first time to stop the pain? how hadn't Crab known? he'd sat on the edge of the bed before leaving and kissed Benzedrine's temple. he's morbidly glad for that. fatalistic, but if that's the last interaction they'll ever have had, at least it was that. his hands are shaking when he signs at Sandman and Donnie, either or, whoever has more presence of mind, to find- he doesn't have the time to fingerspell it. Benze's lips are turning blue. he's not responding to- the word is stimuli. the sign is a mimicry of poking someone. so it's Crab who retrieves the medicine, of course it is, of course it's Crab. this vial is labeled kloxxado. Benze called it naloxone when he found it in their inventory the first time. Crab's hands are shaking as he preps a new injection. most things work fastest intravenously. the blood does it. the heart does it. his heart is thumping out of control. his heart is beating just to keep Benze's the same. his best friend doesn't even respond when he sticks the needle into his arm. Benze might be the one who’s dying (he can’t die, Crab won’t let him, of course he won’t, he can’t-) but Crab thinks maybe he’s only alive for Benze. like maybe if Benze dies he will too. like maybe the only thing keeping his heart beating is the fluttering pulse he can feel as he holds onto Benze’s wrist. he feels like he’s gonna pass out but he does all the right things, keeps his best friend alive despite himself because of course he does. he’s the caregiver. he’s the nurse. his heart is beating for this. (his heart is beating for Benze)
#maybe im still stuck on this but i still can’t make it into like. a proper fic#so i’m just writing wild stream of consciousness posts about it#you can read this however you want tbh i’m not really thinking a whole ton about it#like my intent is (with like two exceptions and neither of them are in these fandoms) never really for stuff to be romantic#but like sure go off then! i know a lot of stuff i write is very easily read either way and i kinda like it like that#idk why i feel like i have to give this caveat every time i write smth i think i just feel bad for Not shipping anything so i feel like i#have to explain myself somehow. ok im done now though#just a final general PSA that i prefer platonic/ambiguous stuff to shipping and now i’ll try to stop repeating that with every post skksksj#anyway#she speaks!#she writes!#ddas#idk i think maybe at some point i’ll have to write smth dealing with how crab has this ‘of course it falls to me’ mindset#like he’s almost everyone else’s emotional support friend but maybe those (at least half self-imposed) expectations have to weigh on him#hmmmm
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