#this is all i could get out today bc im very sick unfortunately

[cheese-n-crack]

hello killerbunnies nation. take a doodle ^-^

[piplupod]

the brain better figure out a way to fix this shit real quick or idk what is going to happen honestly. i feel very sick

[phagodyke]

feeling like maybe screaming as loud and long as I can and falling to the ground and hitting it until I start bleeding or I finally get some attention whichever happens first. who's in

tf is up with me and randomly bursting into tears on weekend afternoons

[strxbrymochi]

random when you're sick jaemin drabble

pairing: jaemin x reader (i tried to make it gen neutral djsjsjs)

words: like less than 1k ish??

warnings: mentions of sickness, illness, id say it be too close to home fr

synopsis: basically you're sick and jaemin's here to comfort you as much as he can long distance style.

note: a random ass drabble i came up w as im lying in bed sick for the 4th day and after a conversation i had with my mom bc i needed an outlet lol (its like 99% based on real life events other than the fact that i unfortunately do not have a jaemin with me 💔)

you absolutely despised being sick. okay, maybe sometimes you would be okay with it because it served as a formidable excuse to get out of work or your responsibilities for a couple days but that was when "sick" constituted to simply a cold or a fever that passes over the next day, not when you're tied down to the bed and the toilet every second of every day.

you wake up one day to shivers, brushing it off, you continue on with your day, heading over to work. on your way to work, you start feeling dizzy, nausea hitting you. you take a pill to calm down and make your way to your shift. today, you were working at a small fast food chain restaurant and if things couldn't get any worse, you were assigned to deal with the blowtorch. the heat from the fire and small space rushing all the way to your head but you push through, making it to the very end of your 3 hour shift.

making your way to your next appointment, you scavenge for food to hopefully give you back your appetite. you haven't eaten a proper decent meal all day; only crackers before you drank your pill. oh, and did i forget to mention, you headed into work with a 38 degree fever; claiming "to be fine" because you needed the hours to sustain your living expenses in a foreign country all alone.

at your meeting, you're met with fatigue. a wave of exhaustion rushes over you and coughing fits take over. your brain barely processing what was being discussed, only speaking when directly being asked a question. but still, you push through, ensuring everyone around you that you were going to be okay. that it will all brush away soon and that you really are just tired. your fever has reached close to 40 degrees.

you sigh, throwing your phone on your bed. on any other day you would have loved to talk to jaemin, especially now that you two were oceans apart. it killed you to know that if only you hadn't moved he would be right there and you could see him in person. that alone would've been all the medicine you need to get better. but alas, life had other plans.

the next couple days consisted of sleep, wake up, repeat. occassional trips to the toilet and visits from coughing fits disrupting your sleep that make you sound like you're entering into an entirely different dimension. you had absolutely no energy-- to eat, to move, to do anything really. when you said you needed a break, this wasn't what you meant.

jaemin would call you, or attempt to call you and you would pick up, if you were awake and if you were in the mood to speak. he would send you daily messages to drink your medicine, eat meals, get some rest. you knew he was worried and it killed you not to be able to ensure some type of reassurance everything was going to be fine. you knew if he found out what you had been actually doing, you would never hear the end of it.

one night you had awoken from your nap struggling to find something to eat, let alone the energy to consume anything. at this point, your stomach is practically bounded to an electrical heating compress to temporarily soothe your pains. you weren't sure if you were getting any better. your fever was relatively gone sure, but the coughs, stomach pains and diarrhea remained. let alone, that morning you almost passed out in the toilet, hearing muffled, ears ringing, vision blurred. all you could do is pray.

well, at least your sense of humor was back.

---

LOL such an abrupt ending idk i just needed an outlet to express how im currently feeling and whats been going on these past few days so if theres a delay with mtt or my other stuff i apologize once again 😭😭 need all the prayers and support i can get fr; being sick is one thing, being sick in a foreign country alone is another story. for anyone else who has gone thru or is currently going thru same thing, i hope yalls feel better soon and that know things will get better! bc i know thats what i need rn 🫡

[iamyelling]

well, so it’s looking like we’re not gonna go which definitely makes me sad. so yeah my period started today but with T it’s not so bad and also i can power thru it and it’s not so bad when you’re doing something, so you’re distracts yknow.

but annah seems to be coming down with something and is very tired from an extra rough week at work. she was up in the lifts working on skylights. the heights and wobblyness makes her scared, it’s hard for her to even focus and work so her body is exhausted from being tensed up and afraid for 8+ hours 5 days in a row. like even just gently caressing her legs last night hurt her too much, i wasn’t even massaging. plus she just mentioned she lowkey got heat exhaustion yesterday from being up in the skylight (it’s very hot being up inside them) and had to go sit on the floor for like half an hour. oof!! so her body is very achey and sore and she said she’s tasting blood in her mouth today. and yesterday and today she has felt likes she’s getting sick. so who knows what she’s got but she’s coming down with something and i don’t want to push her body by going out to this event and stuff. i really don’t want to make whatever she has worse by not resting. it would also be bad to go out while sick and possibly spread it.

unfortunately i don’t really have any other friends i could go with (my other good friend is busy this weekend helping her good friend pack to move to ireland and is doing a farewell party for her tonight) and i don’t really want to go alone that’s just not really fun for me? which sucks i know im not all cool and able to have a good time going to events alone but 🤷🏻 that’s what it is.

i haven’t been able to make friends bc i’ve been so soo broke and unemployed the past forever (like 2 years) and my friends/exes broke up with me and prior to that was covid and prior to that was unemployed and prior to that was my first job post graduation and i was tired and not in seattle and prior to that i was in college and struggling and just trying to graduate.

🫤

it’s a bummer bc i don’t get to interact with folks much, go to gay events much. we’re not in seattle so it’s just a little more logistic planning and stuff to go to things. so i was really looking forward to going to the seattle dyke march lawn hangout and march and then hopefully annah would agree to go to the wildrose after.

but there really are events all the time around here (here being seattle mostly) and we can “just” go to the next thing. granted annah is always tired.. and often doesn’t see that i send her events.. and rarely is interested… but we COULD go to one.

[pinkadork]

Im fine

Its not like ive been setting myself up what feels like forever to both really and also i guess not at all always be in the cycle im in. The predestined fuck up ig my moms a fuck up

Im a fuck up

I cant stay a job apparently

I’m too scared of every if and but when it comes to trying it to be creative and do things like i used too, nowadays i feel like its tainted because im not even finna be doing it because i like it anymore, but instead just proving i didn’t give up, when i did

I was tired, emotionally drained, put in a position i nor anyone really asked for but guess whose grandparents this belonged to

Im not a fucking mistake or a right person wrong time

I am a nigga thats has been struggling and it was before you sure but everyone in the fuck ass house kept trauma bonding new and old covid didnt fucking help.

How the fuck are we fucking but aint no protection or immediate showers available

How am i toxic for not wanting what felt like more like a: fuck my poor ass boy friends and dementia ridden grandparents( and while its not anyones job to guide me if we in a relationship and you feel some way say some shit some how ) the weirdest ( but unfortunately not worst) living situation ive been in, the deepest most confusing, loving yet infuriating, real yet faux ass relationship ive had with anyone.

Like even now I physically am sick to my stomach about the idea or notion of again my ex, someone who has dumped me like at least twice since July and lowkey high key didnt even count it it was like a secret trial i failed because ofc im not sure of you actually love me mr. I tell the world you beat me but sure we can play minecraft

Fucking the part the gets me the most about this is i know you know how i feel and its just

I feel set up

Like genuinely not just the relationship shit

And im not gonna act like i dont play my role in shit and attribute a lot to the shit that get me and others where we are but jfc im tired

I’m not the brightest bulb but im not a fucking dumbass

And i did more than read the room, i saw the patterns, felt the vibe shifts, and tried so fucking hard.

Its sad whatever im pathetic but i think i knew without saying it (and even saying this it doesnt mean all the people out with then bc some are still here and we cool but fucking) My ex was the realest mf i had in my circle, and which is probably why its hard being like man aint no fucking way we went out like that. Im not for the see you in a few years shit, im not for the go fuck around like i aint give my heart, i was (am) a dumb nigga that went to to college before dropping out after missing all my classes so i could be attached virtually at the hip to them

Its not their fault and for years i didnt feel that at all.

But the second i saw that they felt like they wasted so much on me and this that whatever man my blood got to boiling on some seafood type shi

Its like

You can do evil

They can do evil

And be vindicated and justified in ya own right because in ya head this is just karma and you standing up for ya self and

Then its like i do evil snd immediately fold because i aint mean shi

Nigga got slammed by me 2 or three times

And everytime it was some bs

I let you convince i was being an ass for feeling threatened because " weight and height and muscle” but fucking niggas never care about perspectives

Yeah we are arguing

Yeah im loud, which is infuriating because my usual everyday speaking voice whether it because i subconsciously (now very actively) am aware of how loud i can be, is actually very quiet and i tend to have to repeat myself and even did to my ex because yeah

Fuck im so high man

Its been awhile since i ran out of actual medicine

Like i feel like ive said its been like two weeks for like a month now.

Now i gotta go through new everything, finding insurance, therapy, reassessments, medication changes, so much has happened and yet nothing has, i got fired today, i think, i mean i definitely got the text “Your assignment is finished do not return anymore” but this is the first temp agency really that ive been at , its just like

Like that?

Its kinda how sudden i end up either in or out of someones life, ex, family, friends

Sometimes i feel like ive been so many different me’s and am constantly “coming of age” (metaphorically speaking or in case thats ominous still, like i feel like i do in fact get older but do to circumstance, bad choices, and a lot of fuckening, i very much am learning alot of basic shit i shouldve known, or yes i am just now learning how to not be like donny on the wildthornberrys

I truly was happy and want to die everytime i think about how unhappy i made them

Make them

The wont miss me when i die because im alive and they surely dont is the thing i come back to whether wrong or not it is

Sometimes i cry about things i dont know are true bit definitely feel on my gut or for those in the loop my LN

You can keep my heart in dont want it anymore

I know realistically im bugging and i just feel bad and i need meds and yadayada yada

Im gonna be blunt with ya chief, im blowing my fucking brains out gn

[frankendykez]

this reply was quite late since i was debating whether i send send hearts like i often do with ur vents or send a pargraph, but, i understand how you feel. tht feeling usedto take over a few years ago, and i think its kind of seeping but this month. but nonetheless, you /are/ talented, you /are/ beautiful, you /are/ gifted. it just, sometimes the brain (especially withmental illness) doesn't allow you to see that, mainly because you had this face for so long that your mind tries to find its imperfections for no reason. its an odd psychological phenomenon, but its believed that msot people would love their body if it wasn't theirs, or that they would love themselves if they weren't, well, themselves ― and most of the time, its true, unfortunately. as for the repetitive days, perhaps you could change up your usual schedule a little bit? go home a different route than usual, go to a random little shop you've never went to before, attempt to make conversations with people you don't know (i know the last time youhave a conversation irl, it made you sick, so by conversation i mean texting. sounds weird from a socially anxious person but </3), maybe if you do self-deprecating jokes try to switch it out with jokes that boost your confidnece (eg: "i vented humor" "im better than u" etc), that kind of stuff. my days are certainly repetitive today, i just try to add more stuff to do, but if you are unable to do such even after you set things up for yourself ― that's completely alright. sometimes you don't have motivation to do anything, not even the things you loved doing, and theres absolutely nothing wrong with that because you are a human being. your thoughts and feelings may override logic like a human being. but you matter. you always mattered. you are loved, even if you cant see it, you are always loved in some way, its just eople perhaps dont say "i love you" enough, and it sucks, it really does. though we barely or might not know each other and it might be strange to say, but, i love you (/p) and admire your work, because everyone deserves to be loved. your mental illness does not make you useless, its merely a disadvantage, but one day, i'm sure it will get better. it might not disappear completely bc i dont think thats possible, but one day it will get better. i know its very hard to gete through things, and that the process is painful and you might not know how to survive this, but please, do not give up. theres so much to live for, though you might not see it just yet. i will become legally an adult in a year, and it scares the shit out of me aswell, i'm literally clinging onto childhood here, but we will push through it. we will make it better. things will change. keep it in mind.

i am not sure if all this helps or not, or if it makes your state worse, but still. i want you to know you mattered and are loved. and even though we might not know each other, you can talk to me anytime. my name's charlie, and i hope shit gets better.

I feel like I’m falling apart at the seams. I don’t remotely have the energy to go out of my way to see it through, but if something happened where I knew I’d die, I wouldn’t do anything to prevent it. It feels like my life has reached its natural conclusion, and the longer I stay alive the more I only drag it out beyond its expiration and butcher it. I’ve been the pretty talented creative gifted child, what’s the point in living on as a mentally ill useless tranny who isn’t even pretty to look at anymore? I am completely useless to anyone now. I wouldn’t be surprised if one of these weeks I just commit to it and end up starving myself to death. I have nothing ahead of me, and everything useful or good I’ve ever done is long over. I’ve been who I needed to be. Now I have nobody else to be. I wish I could just do it all over again. But I can’t. I don’t exist as a regular person who interacts with the world in a normal way, and I never will, and I hate it. And even if I do drag my life on, what’s the point? Spending every day repeating the same day over and over in a never ending struggle to finally have money enough to afford the most basic of things, literally so we don’t die? A never ending cycle of making just enough money to spend on food to stay alive to earn more money to earn food to stay alive. What’s the point? All this stress over jobs and money to feed yourself. That’s all adulthood seems to be, and even if there’s more, it’s outweighed. Why bother about living so much?

I’m never going to be loved, and the rest of my life will only get worse and worse. I’ve done my bit – might as well give up.

[not-me-simping-for-blasty]

another helping of living w/ bakugou thoughts:

pls i am so sorry, i feel like i bombard y’all with these constantly, but u don’t understand, he literally lives in my brain full time

- if you’re rolling your sleeves up, to wash your hands before dinner, he’ll whack your hands away and do it himself. very much “you’re takin’ too long, idiot. i wanna eat already. let me do it.”,, don’t be fooled tho, you could do it in 2.5 seconds and he’d still open his mouth. bc it has absolutely nothing to do with u and everything to do with him wanting to be close to you

-ik he watches the mha equivalent of the history channel. i just know it. dude is a grandpa at heart, n im so confident he would 100% sit down and watch a 3 hr docu on like, old weaponry or some nerdy shit

-bakugou is annoyingly arrogant, but only about things that don’t matter. like, he’ll fully sit in front of you and tell you he’s stronger/faster/smarter in passing conversation,, but when he does actually impressive shit??? the man clams up. absolutely clams up the second you praise him, trying to brush off whatever ridiculous feat he just pulled to protect u with a “It’s not that big a deal, shut up about it already, dumbass.” 

- pls mans is an absolute simp. u ask him to do something and he’s on his feet in a second. ofc he’s complaining but he’s also then following that up by doing things you didn’t even ask him to do. fan behavior honestly.

-when you’ve had a bad day, he’ll make u food and throw blankets in the dryer for u. don’t expect much verbal comforting from him, bc obviously, but he’s pretty good with actions. you always feel a little warmer after he’s wrapped you in a blanket n fed you something ungodly spicy

- i have absolutely no basis for this but ik he secretly watches kids movies. like, if it’s animated then he’s there. ofc no one is allowed to find out about this ‘embarrassing’ behavior tho, except maybe you. maybe. if you accidentally happen to see it bc he’d never tell u himself.

- he’s a beast to wake up in the morning, but he’s a lot more easy to convince if u pet his hair. or rub his back/shoulders. maybe even kiss his neck. look, u cannot tell me that he doesn’t want to be absolutely coddled in the morning- especially when he can get away with it so easily. 

-bakugou always pulls ur legs into his lap if u sit down next to him. pls he’s so weird, he’ll just like, tap his fingers on ur calves absentmindedly while he’s watching tv

-he probably created a playlist of songs ur ‘allowed’ to play around him. meaning, it’s only the songs on ur phone that he likes 🙄

-bakugou always takes his work phone calls outside. like if his phone rings he’ll just stand up n walk tf out the door to take it. even if it’s cold. u ask him once about it n he just “Work stays at work. This is my fuckin’ home. Now shut up about it already.”

-you’ve never once seen this man wearing socks around the house. don’t ask me, i cannot explain this whatsoever, but i just kno this man walks around constantly barefoot 🤢🤮 unfortunately.

-he’s like, the most functional person ever in almost every aspect, but the stuff katsuki is bad at?? pls he is hopelessly bad. like, lets say art stuff. omg he just doesnt have the patience for it, okay, so say goodbye to any dreams of cute lil couple’s crafts. like, he’ll sit there while u do yours, but his will look like utter shit

- during the week, katsuki is either at work, training, or at home. pls, he works so hard during the day that i highly doubt he’s anything but an absolute homebody during the work week.

- bakugou gets pissy if u re-arrange any of the furniture on a whim. pls he likes comfort and familiarity n if he stubs his toe on the stupid coffee table one more fucking time, he’s going to scream

-its a rare occurance,, especially bc of the crazy hours he works,, but bakugou rlly likes making dinner for u to come home to. he just likes to feel like he’s taking care of u tbh

-he still goes to bed at like 8:30. or thats what u think, but rlly he just goes to sit in your room and have some time to himself for a bit. as much as he loves u, he prob still needs some alone time to recharge

-bakugou takes meticulous care of any plants u have in the house. like he’ll water them on a strict-ass schedule, n preen them when necessary. pls the way he’ll curse them out if they even dare to wilt under his care?? very much “What the hell, you bitch? ‘m doin’ everything fuckin’ perfect! Grow already!”

-katsuki is such a little bitch when he’s sick. he’ll be running like a 103 temp, brain literally melting, and still trying to get up and work out. the only way u can get him to chill the hell out is if u take a nap with him. ofc that means u always get sick too,, but hey- lil sacrifices right??

-he never lets you get the door. like, if there’s a knock n neither of u knows who it could be,, pls he’s on his feet so fast. waving u away n looking thru the keyhole w/ sm suspicion

-he has his spot on the couch, n u will not find him sitting anywhere else. like, that’s his spot. u better pray for anybody who mistakenly takes it

-bakugou doesn’t like dirt or grime, so he won’t allow you or himself, to sit on your bed with clothes that have been outside. like, even if you’re just sitting on top of the covers, he’s gonna throw a fit and demand you change your clothes first bc “No way in hell am I gonna let your dumbass dirty up my bed.”

-katsuki rlly likes when it storms outside. he’ll go sit in front of the window and watch the rain, sipping on a warm drink while he waits for more thunder. 

-living with bakugou is incredibly frustrating, bc he’ll just show up with new skills all of the goddamn time. like you’ll be like, “hmm i’d love to remodel the bathroom someday”,, and the very next weekend bakugou is meticulously re-tiling the bathroom floor by hand, probably also painting the walls in a new color, maybe even installing a new sink just to spruce it up. n then he’ll just present the entirely new, upgraded room with such weird nonchalance that it pisses u off. pls and if you watch him while he does these little projects, with all the weird precision and skill he suddenly gains?? pls you’re sure he must be possessed by the ghost of a craftsman

- when he hangs out with the bakusquad, he’ll drag you along every time. he expects you to sit with him the entire time and act as a social buffer?? basically, someone’ll ask him a question, one he deems stupid and therefore not worth answering, and bakugou will just look at you expectantly. he’ll just stare at you blankly, hardly even blinking until you pick up the slack and answer for him. you call him out on this many times, but it doesn’t matter. it doesn’t change anything. he does this over and over and over again

-bakugou gets really unsettled when you guys fight. like, he can’t sleep and he’s snapping at everybody, and is somehow more aggressive than usual. he always wants to just make up already, but the pride in the way won’t allow it

-he’s a weird stickler about intended furniture functionality?? like, the table is for eating, and the couch is for watching tv, and then only way you’re gonna get him to mix the two is if you ask him rlly rlly nicely

-finally- i have no basis for this one, but ik it in my heart: bakugou has a very intense fight with your thermostat nearly every single day. he swears up and down that it never ‘behaves’ for him, but every time you check it, it’s working perfectly fine

--/-- 

ahahhaa sorry y’all for the super random spam today,, but here were are back to our regularly scheduled bakugou programming,,,, bc idk if it’s obvious ur honor, but i love him

[tillthelandslide]

Photographer : Henry Cavill Fake Instagram

Author’s note: Hi everyone. Hope you enjoy another fake instagram post. I really do enjoy making this so keep sending me requests, this one wasn’t a request but my own idea, I’m slowly working my way through some different careers so people can relate more to each one if they see their career being represented. Unfortunately, Tumblr on my phone keeps messing up, I usually like to include emojis here and there because to me it feels more real but it wouldn’t let me.

Anyway hope you enjoy - L

Tagged: @harrysthiccthighss @thereisa8ella @magdelen69​ (if you want to be tagged in my post please message me :)

yourname_photography:

yourname_photography had an amazing day shooting with @henrycavill such a pleasure working with you love.

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fan2 your photography is so good

  ↳ yourname_photography aw thanks love

  ↳ fan3 honestly one of the best photographers out there atm

henrycavill thanks for the amazing day, I had such a nice time, you are so talented

  ↳ yourname_photography oh hush sir, was a joy working with you, you make my job very easy, lets just put it that way

henryfan “love” are they dating or not, we need answers

  ↳ ynfan she’s british, she calls everyone love, but if they were then we should all be happy for them, they don’t owe us answers

henrycavill:

henrycavill it is always such a joy when I get to work with amazingly talented people like @yourname_photography. So lucky to have you in my life, let alone get the opportunity to work together

Photo by @yourname_photography

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yourname_photography oh hush, you’re the talented one in this relationship kind sir

  ↳ henrycavill <3

  ↳ fan5 relationship? are they dating?

  ↳ fan6 think they’re just friends but I’m happy for them if they are dating

anyachalotra so talented, these are epic

  ↳ henrycavill she sure is

  ↳ yourname_photography thank you Anya

freyaallan:

freyaallan I had such a nice time shooting today with @yourname_photography. Thank you to @henrycavill for making it happen, now I understand why you love her so much. And thank you y/n for making me look so beautiful, think these photos are the best I have ever recieved from a photoshoot.

Photo by @yourname_photography

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fan3 “now I understand why you love her so much” ?? omg they are dating

  ↳ freyaallan I meant he loves working with her and loves the photos she produces, she is one of his favourite photographers

  ↳ fan2 good save

yourname_photography you were beautiful all on your own, needed no help from me miss. It was such a joy working with you, for sure have to do it again sometime

  ↳ freyaallan oh hush! and i’d love that

henrycavill glad you both had such a good time on set, i have always loved y/ns work, she has such a keen eye for this stuff

  ↳ fan2 this post is basically become them trying to convice us all that y/n and henry aren’t dating when we all know they are. good attempts though

photographydaily these photos are clean af

celebrumourmagazine:

celebrumourmagazine Famous Actor Henry Cavill and the photographer Y/n are now rumoured to be dating. The pair have had many photoshoots together and have a history of confusing fans with their comments on each others posts. But what is really tipping people off is a quote from Freya Allan, Cavill’s co-star in the Netflix show; The Witcher, where she said “I had such a nice time shooting today with @yourname_photography. Thank you to @henrycavill for making it happen, now I understand why you love her so much”. Allan then tried to cover her tracks by commenting on how y/n is one of Henry’s favourite photographers. Cavill too posted “I have always loved Y/ns work, she has such a keen eye for this stuff”. Seems fishy to me, wonder if we will get an explanatio soon. C’mon we deserve it.

Photo by @yourname_photography

Liked by 267,092 people

fan3 the level of disrepect in this post is on a new level. 1. referring to Henry as famous and then not using the same terminology for yn who has worked with so many famous actors, musicians, polticians etc and is renowned for her amazing word. 2. “Cavill’s co-star” she’s her own person sis. 3. “we deserve it” no you don’t, you haven’t done anything to deserve anything from them

  ↳ yn-hen-fan thats the tea sis

geraltofriviafans ffs leave them alone. there is the little thing people like to have. its called privacy

celebrumourmagazine:

celebrumourmagazine Famous actor Henry Cavill and Photographer caught kissing on a boat whilst on vaccation with friends and family. We knew they were dating!

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fan5 annoying that they didn’t say anything we all would have been okay with it

  fan3 your comment perfectly shows how you wouldn’t have been okay with it. maybe they just wanted some privacy

  fan2 I just found out that this photo amongst a few others were leaked from their phones. Ffs why can’t people respect their privacy y’all wonder why they didn’t say anything; this is why

henrycavill:

henrycavill well the cats out of the bag... not the way we intended to tell you guys which is a shame. We are very sad that this is the way you all had to find out. With both of our jobs being very demanding (we love them nonetheless and are very grateful) we don’t often get to spend time with each other so wanted some time just to ourselves, we wanted to share this amazing relationship with all of our fans when were ready but unfortunately that opportunity was taken from us. We hope you can understand: you all are very important to the both of us and we truly did want to share this with you, but both got a bit too caught up with having each other to ourselves. These photos were taken by one of our mutual friends whilst we were on holiday and were leaked from our phones. I am so shocked that they even managed to do this but I will not let them get anymore attention than that.

To my love @yourname_photography: the last couple of months with you have been bliss, I found myself falling more in love with you everyday. Your dedication to your work is truly inspiring, how deeply you care for and love those around you is second to none, you have taught me so much about so many things but the main thing I will cherish is what you have taught me about myself; you have taught me to truly accept myself and have taught me to see myself the way you see me. I love you more than I can even begin to explain and I can’t wait for what’s to come. Having you to myself has been truly wonderful but sharing how amazing you are not only to me but all those around you is something I am going to enjoy. Everyone should know the amazing things you do not only in your photography career but in other aspects of your life <3

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yourname_photography this is too sweet Hen, I love you so much. The past couple of months with you have been absolute perfection and I will cherish them forever. You are by far the best thing that has ever happened to me and I am beyond lucky to have you and have had you to myself but I’m ready to share you and to share us with the world

  ↳ henrycavill lets do this shit

freyaallan I was worried that I was going to be the one to leak the news and although I’m annoyed it came out like this I’m glad it wasn’t me XD, wish you could have announced it on your own terms though. I’m beyond happy for the both of you

    ↳ yourname_photography the sweetest girl <3 I thought you recovered quite well in that post XD

anyachalotra the cutest couple of all time... there, i said it

   ↳ yourname_photography said it you did. we are beyond grateful for you and how supportive you were of us from the get go 

   ↳ henry cavill thank you anya, your support means the world to us

yourname_photograhy:

yourname_photography to my beloved Henry: the love you have shown me was one I didn’t believe in growing up, the kind of love I thought only excited in fairytales, books and movies. Boy oh boy was I wrong. The love you give is the kind of love everyone deserves, the kind where you give yourself to someone else fully without any selfishness or expectations. To most people you are Superman, Geralt, August Walker, Charles Brandon, Napoleon Solo and many others. But to me you are all those things and more. You are the guy that brings me my favourite soup when I’m sick, the guy that sits with me for hours trying to pick which photos from a shoot are the best, the guy that brings home lillies because you know they’re my favourite flower, the guy that sends me care packages when you are away, the guy that sends me goofy selfies of you and Kal, the guy that rubs my back and plays with my hair when I cant sleep, the guy that introduced me to my second family: the Cavill’s, the guy that works his god damn hardest everyday, the guy that puts in so much effort to raise awareness for endangered species and the fight that Durrell do, the guy that does so many amazing things yet expects nothing in return. You are the epic love of my life and I do not deserve you <3, you amazing, beautiful human, never change <3

Liked by henrycavill, anyachalotra, joeybateyofficial and 1,583,039 others

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fan6 HOW CAN ANYBODY NOT LIKE HER? THE WAY SHE TALKS ABOUT HIM, I MEAN UGHH SO FLOOFY

fan4 this post got more likes than henrys bc everyone realised they cant not like her

   ↳ henrycavill you made me cry ): now come give me kisses

   ↳ yourname_photography im coming, oops nearly tripped over kal

   ↳ fan 8 haha she’s commenting as she’s doing it how cute

joeybateyofficial all the haters be like “hmm, fuck” bc they realise there is -9182 reasons to hate you

   ↳ yourname_photography thanks for bringing the geralt comments here, someone had to do it :)

   ↳ joeybateyofficial it’s a honour :) happy for both of you... always knew he was a big soft... despite his rock hard abs

   ↳ yourname_photography spend a lot of time looking at my boyfriends rock hard abs much then? XD

   ↳ henrycavill not as much as you @yourname_photography, ayeee XD

[bytedykes]

magnus cat brain.... flopping his whole body on top of alec when they finally see each other after a few days of work keeping them apart. “can’t move my cat sat on me” but it’s alec when he’s got a phone call with magnus on him

YES <33 alec jokingly pretends it inconveniences him but he loves it!! he loves it sm!! alec is like *big eyeroll* i guess i will just have to stay in today... and magnus is like haha yes... how unfortunate... and then they dont move at all for another 2 hours<3

ok feelings time!! magnus has probably been told he is "too much" (by which i mean he definitely has lol) and denied affection, especially physical affection, so at first he's probably anxious abt cuddling with alec, bc what if it's too much? what if it's the final straw? alec probably won't leave him over one time he's clingy, but what about ten times? a hundred times? it all piles up, doesn't it?

alec catches on ofc, because he's so attuned to magnus and constantly paying attention, bc isn't that what love is? paying attention? seeing your person for who they are? making an effort to learn them? sorry its almost 12 for me i'm sleepy and feeling romantic

the first time magnus is probably really tense, constantly shifting around and asking whether he's too heavy, whether alec is uncomfortable, whether he should move and they could lay side by side instead, because oh god, can you even breathe? do you want me to move?

and alec is like, no, no, don't move, this is good. this is nice. because SIKE! alec has been wanting the good feeling of someone laying on him this whole time! he likes the pressure and he likes the warmth and he likes holding magnus close! these men are not neurotypical.

and it gets better from there! it gets easier! magnus gets better at relaxing into alec and alec gets better at seeking magnus out when he wants to be laid on,,, this is a whole win/win btw, magnus likes to flop and alec likes to be flopped on literally no one loses i am so jealous of them rn. what the fuck

it gets better and it becomes a normal thing for them! just flopping down together and sort of halfassedly cuddling! ur so right, after they havent been together for a bit because of work they just lay there for a long while,,,, mmghhnn <33

alec: sorry i cant come in today. no im not sick. magnus fell asleep on me. what do u mean thats not a good reason. i dont care im sure someone can fill in for me. see u tomorrow

magnus who was just barely awake the whole time: :)

(many of these thoughts are inspired by cuubism's fic skin hunger (link) which u should go read asap !!! and also read cat's out of the bag (link) just bc its a very quality magnus cat brain piece kjsdfkc)

[fallingsunflower]

BESTIES I'm so sorry - I hit my post limit waaaay earlier than expected! Some of y'all joined me on my backup account, (which I also hit the limit on lmao), but I'm back now.

I had over 400 asks to go through and I'll give you a warning that not all of them will appear (either because they were old or because they were topics we already answered). But here is a giant list of asks I compiled for you from when I wasn't allowed to post lol they don't really require my response but I found them entertaining to read. Hope you don't mind I've just put them all together in one post. It's also to save me from using up my 250 posts lol

"this is all so embarrassing like my god imagine when the promotion of the movie starts how horrible it will be for other people who made the movie too"

"SELL UR TICKETS TODAY WATCH THE MOVIE ILLEGALLY, next article we’ll be talking about these two assholes filing for bankruptcy. cheap harlots. don’t mess with your meal ticket."

"hate to say it but i defs think they‘ve got a sliver of the gp’s attention for five minutes"

"I am scanning through all these photos looking for just ONE where he looks like he's smiling and enjoying this. It's so crazy."

"I guess those are all the pics we’re getting right now. But I wouldn’t be surprised if they finish the Italy trip off with one more major Backgrid photo shoot."

"Olivia’s trending on Twitter but not Harry. Like it’s obvious who’s getting the PR gains here!"

"If they dont give us a 6 month or more break after this im gonna need them to pay for my therapy bills from now on bc of this damage no joke let me crawl back into my shit hole now 😑"

"The palce they at is referred to as “tuscanys best-kept secret”. Everyone point and laugh."

"she looks like she’s enjoying all of this. he looks like he wants to push her into the water."

"a few people said he’s keeping his shorts pulled up or covered in all the shots because of the Nike branding which they ask to not get photographed. What a setup."

"Man I knew the second those Tomdaya pics came out of them kissing and how they were trending so fast that HO were going to do something to 'top' them. Its pathetic /// FRRR. she probably hoped for the positive reactions that people gave tom & zendaya but unfortunately, miss girl got the opposite. when will they realize that nobody, but his fans, find them cute lmao can they just stop, it’s so embarrassing 😭😭😭"

"He really out here doing this with someone who almost old enough to be his mother, shiiiiiiiit. Sickening. Sick of these 2 for real now, i was fine with the good old blurry back content and whatnot but this? Crossing a line here nobody wanna see that shit and knowing how people feel goooooood damn."

"I aboslutely despise kendall for obvious reason but this one is actually worse than the hendall one bc you couldnt really see as much as now dis gos tang."

"She’s also wearing the cross necklace again. I feel like if that was so meaningful to her she wouldn’t risk loosing it in the ocean 🙄"

"guys have eyes on tmz. I Do not have tw now. they were so aggressive towards them"

"I'm sorry for Harry because you lost your damn mind bro"

"Now why the hendall pics are better ?? NO SHADE BUTT"

"I’m genuine confused like do they actually want dwd to flop or what? I just threw up in my mouth I sure as hell ain’t gonna watch their sorry ass movie. Is it supposed to flop? I’m so confused!"

"The match was not interesting enough so they cooked up something different especially since people were pointing out how they staged the PDA. And the page 6 article is out already!!!"

"Who the fuck thought this was a good idea"

"Is it just me or does harry's face looks really blank for someone out on a Romantic date with his alleged girlfriend.?"

"if thats it, harry hasn’t no game🤣🤣🤣🤣"

"so this is why the tabloids weren’t talking about the match pics! they didn’t have any value on their own. now with the yacht pics? my oh my they’re gonna get the clicks of their lives. her team was prob like “wait a sec we got something for y’all”"

"If they were models hired to act like a couple they wouldn't get the job......"

"Not them starring right at the camera in some of them help make it less obvious will you"

"HENDALL🤣🤣🤣is that uuuu"

"Harry’s ass crack thought it should make an appearance too."

"What a great day for team PR, happy Monday you guys! Let's pop the champagne ���🍾🍾🍾 P. S. They both need acting lessons, tbh"

"It’s quite interesting how everything that’s happened before I’ve seen predicted weeks/and in advance on blogs or fan accounts. Like his life has always been so predictable but damn"

"He was hiding the Nike check. That’s why his swim trucks are rolled up to an absurd degree even for him. He knew he was gonna get photographed."

"What I’m noticing is wether people like them together or not, everyone’s saying they’re aren’t a hot couple…there was more chemistry in the Kendall pics by far"

"i also find it weird that he’s not smiling in any of the pictures and it would be one thing if there were five pics from ten minutes of time but there are like 70 from an obvious extended period of time"

"It's interesting everyone involved is being Team Try Hard. Yet the universe says no. The last set of pics, Tom and Zendaya overshadowed. People even paid more attention to Angelina and the Weekend (even if business possibly). Fast forward to today and all this fakery only for Gwen/Blake to tie the knot. His team needs to get a clue. She needs to go. Harry needs to clean this up fast."

"Ok i looked at one hugging pic and one kidding pic and they could not look more stagged. It looks unatural ,strange and weird from all angles. You can clearly see from their body posture they are posing for a photographer from backgrid."

"Like I said in my ask a couple days ago the day we get kissing pics is the day that I believe this is all a stunt and I was right. They took a page out of hendall 2016 and it’s looks so forced and awkward. Hendall did it better cause at prater they had chemistry. They must be scared this movie is going to tank because they are pushing this way too hard"

"Real, PR, or whatever relationship it is, they’re fucking boring. You are on a yacht in Italy, can’t you have a little bit of fun? I can’t believe how boring they are, I just can’t. Even if it is just PR, can’t you make a fucking dumb joke so you can laugh or something? Do they have anything in common like to talk about or discuss or make fun of? I’d literally killed myself if I looked like that in a relationship. They are not communicating in any photos we’ve got. They are just walking, or sitting. Even when they hold hands or kiss or hug, they never communicate."

"okay but did ya’ll see the pic of her diving in?? i can’t stop laughing 😭😭😭😭"

"they look horrifically awkward i cannot believe what harry is doing"

"“HEY PAPS COME GET A PIC OF US KISSING TO MAKE OUR RELATIONSHIP MORE BELIEVABLE!!!!!”"

"his ass is hanging out and her bra is almost off what in the hell"

"Hqs on a yacht like that? Mhmhmhm hmmmmm / I bloody well hope that’s not the extend of their acting. That’s dire! 🤦‍♀️"

"this is literally the most predictable “couple” to exist. first, people talked about them showing up the game, and they did. second, people were just talking about kissing pics... AND THEY JUST CAME OUT LMAOOOOOO"

"annnnnnnnnnnnnd there it is. YOU KNOW THEY KNEW THERE WAS A CAMERA."

"ok but where’s the pda or did that get made up? cause these have to be the most awkward pics i’ve ever seen which makes me feel better 😂 also i can feel the meme’s coming with the one of her diving off the boat"

"I call it how I see it they are both assholes and full of shit. Like do your fake kiss somewhere else I do not want to see it!"

"Can they at least act like they’re having a good time?"

"hahahaha I can't stop laughing with that photo of O it's literally her knowing she's being photographed and diving into a professional swimmer style😭"

"the pics are so organic that Olivia is looking straight at the pap before kissing Harry."

"he looked a lot happier with kendall in their yacht pics compared to today’s. i know that was PR too, but he was very smiley and seemed talkative. with this girl it’s like the complete opposite lmao."

[vanityloves]

Storm and ivy + medic

@septemberlove i have. no excuse for how late these are but uh. thank you for sending these in 💕.

[word count: 1.8k+ with the longest 'authors note' bc im mentally ill]

sfw, mmm comfy cozy, general sick hcs,

storm - what are cozy days in with your f/o like?

Whenever I think of cozy days, my brain immediately goes to rainy/chilly weather where we can cuddle up together and my brain short fuses. I'm gonna assume this is just like a day off or something though!

How I visual them together vs how I write them is odd because they technically don't act or accept they're 'together' until after the comics but I always write them like they're in a Steady Relationship while on base. I'm always writing a slight AU if you will. Or maybe it's after they get their jobs back at Mann co - I should highkey adjust that but No ♥️. No more thinking, just content based off my idealized universe.

There's definitely a point in their relationship where it's like 'I think I have to put in a little more work here'. I'm not saying either party is slacking but they're slacking ♥️. Neither of them really take action. Chef doesn't blame him or really complain about it because that's their nature, plus they don't know how romantic relationships really work or flow, especially with a person like him. Medic doesn't see an issue with anything and continues on with his normal business. 

What I mean by slacking is, there's not a lot of quality time being spent together which would be fine if it wasn't both of their strongest Love Languages, which could help them strengthen their relationship. It's odd because they're 'romantically involved' but they don't spend a lot of time together for either of them to consider it romantic, simply because it's on company time. 

ANYWAYS THATS JUST ME BEING CONVOLUTED. FEEL FREE TO JUST IGNORE ALL OF THIS.

Medic goes to bed pretty late and wakes up at a fairly early hour. Chef is a late sleeper and forced to be an early riser because their Actual Job is to make at least 2 or 3 meals a day (if they want something else, they're on their own but hate when anyone messes up the kitchen and will honestly, stand there and watch said person).

There's minimal time they can spend together if they want to do their own activities - for Medic, it's tinkering around with organs or in Engie's garage, for Chef, they're typically meal prepping or trying to tend to an animal or plant of some sort.

Medic is actually more direct about wanting attention and it's never been a problem because he's cautious about it. Chef is more emotionally inclined and willing to drop hints that they want more attention. 

Chef probably has one day off where it's a complete free for all, for the rest of the team, which would be the perfect time to spend with Medic - If he wanted to stop working, that is. Just don't picture it but, Chef will literally sit in the medbay for hours just to be near the guy, but it isn't bad? The drone of machinery or the scratching of his pen is relaxing, or having his doves nearby is always sweet! Plus, he's prone to talking their ear off when he finds something interesting, so they'll chime in and have some back and forth.

But, yknow - sometimes having someone's undivided attention is nice and Chef is pretty dense when it comes to that and wonders why they feel so upset.

They swallow their pride and ask Medic if they sleep in his room one night and Medic's not as dense as Chef, he understands that they'd never ask for something so out of the blue for no reason and he promises to finish up his work early so they could head to bed together. Chef had nothing planned, they literally just needed that affection and closeness - since it was their day off Medic takes the hint and puts his work aside for the time being.

They'd probably sleep in and stay in bed a while longer before getting ready together - no uniform required. Chef isn't so talkative in the mornings, Medic's noticed, but they were happily fiddling with his buttons and tie, humming in thought before answering his questions. Medic's seen them out of uniform of course, but it's always funny seeing them in just a button up and jeans like … mom on the go vibes. Medic leaves his coat behind before making his way to the kitchen with Chef. 

The kitchen usually has a couple people loitering around, grabbing their coffee or honestly, waiting around for Chef because they always make extra and these bitches are lazy. But the kitchen has now become A Medic Supremacy Zone and he has first dibs - the benefits of being w/ Chef I guess. The two would work as if the others weren't there, keeping their conversation between each other even if that means Medic tilting his head down while Chef leans in closer to reply. There's a high possibility the other have left them to their own devices, seeing as the couple was ignoring them / knows they won't be getting anything. Breakfast isn't extraordinary but it feels special since they actually get to sit across each other and share the morning today.

It's possible that they'd go out and run some errands today, but it's a cover to window shop and walk around. I'll be honest, they probably haven't had proper dates so it's refreshing. You could ask Chef what they liked the most and they're just like :] Yes. 

Other times, they like to curl up and catch up with some reading (well, Medic at least) while Chef rests against him and skim over the words. They're not too invested in what he's reading but likes to have some idea of what he's talking about so they don't ask too many questions. (Very 'these words are big and english/german is not my first language + I can't read as fast as you can so I got lost 7 pages ago). Medic likes to watch Chef garden and tries to help them tend to whatever they're able to grow in the goddamn desert. He overwaters a cactus and looks away if it dies. Chef talks ab how they're growing mint and how it really took off while Medic's standing there like :] Oh, lets make tea with that. Because they're Old People (read: Medic is old)

🕊🐁

ivy - how do you take care of each other when you’re sick?

Chef is easier to take care of when they're sick. They continue working until they're pretty beat but once they feel sick and a break doesn't work, they'll try to finish up what they can before turning in early. They see themselves to bed and inform whoever's near that they won't ne there at dinner and if they really cant figure it out, then come get them - other than that, they're barricading themselves in their room.

When they're sick they're REALLY sick but recovery time is usually a few days (depending on how bad it is). They basically hibernate and don't like being disturbed. They're used to not fending for themselves since they've been on their own for a while but really appreciate all the check ins Medic does w/ them, especially when they're all better. 

Medic, being...their Medic, he definitely gives them a check up when they first begin showing symptoms and he can be a stickler when it comes to drinking fluids and eating properly. Chef usually has a  finicky stomach as it is so Medic really urges them to drink soups and easy foods like bread and crackers. He checks in on them A LOT, even if that's just peeking in to see if they're asleep or not. He backs off when Chef gives him a cold stare from under the covers and minimizes his intrusions/tries to be more sneaky about it. He has colder hands and they let out a sigh when he puts his hand to their cheek or forehead to check their temperature. 

Chef doesn't hesitate to take any medication he has for them, mostly bc they aren't fully coherent but they also don't have energy to care, in fact they have the thought that if he accidentally kills them, maybe respawn will cure them. Unfortunately, Medic debunks this before they can even muster up the energy to ask.

Overall 7.5/10, very good patient. Will refuse to get up and accidently falls asleep in the shower which scares the shit out of him.

Medic on the other hand is very stubborn and doesn't like to stop working unless there's something that physically stops him (ex: vomiting, serious injuries [unlikely bc medigun], etc). If he tricked the Devil, surely the man can beat the common cold or flu! Unfortunately he gets those full body shivers and feels terrible. He can be pretty dramatic when he's sick and everyone's subjected to his bad attitude. 

It's Chefs turn to play doctor - they can tell by looks alone that he's under the weather. His face is flushed and he's a bit sloppily put together, which isn't *too uncommon* but his tie isn't tied and his glasses lamely slide down his nose. They tsk a bit while taking his temperature just to keep track of it before ushering him to his room.

He can be dragged to bed if persistent enough. Chef's firm hold on his arm is enough for him to get off his chair and have them tug him along. He doesn't have any room to argue with them as they look up at him, so he relents, stating that a short break would definitely do him good, but he'll be up and at em by tomorrow. 

Chef is doting and becomes a bit of a helicopter parent when checking on him. This mostly consists of peeking their head in but not really stepping in the room. Every so often they'll wake him up to drink water and either hand him an ice pack or offer a cold towel and move to dab at his forehead and neck.

Medic hasn't been too keen on having others taking care of him bc that's HIS job, and he often tries to shoo Chef away by saying he's more than alright now. Sometimes he's caught sitting up in bed doing work or taking notes on something bc he's a bit restless when he's sick and stationary for too long.

But he's right. He's very good at taking care of himself - when Chef offers him food he'll force himself to eat some of it and he's drinks plenty of fluids without needing reminders. He kinda bosses Chef around, telling them to grab certain medications from the Medbay. They trust his judgment on his own health and bring him what he asks for but Chef keeps a mental note of what he takes and when. Don't need the doctor accidentally taking too many pills today!

Overall 6.5/10. It's hard to get him into bed and becomes restless fairly easily. He is persistent that he's ok after one day of rest only to be found sneezing himself away in the Medbay. 

[ofphcenixes]

THE PHOENIX || BLUE HAWTHORNE.

ok i won’t lie i stole this intro from veritas 2 kdJKDGF BUT ! if you want to get to know this guy definitely hit the readmore below *shaky eye emoji*. also hi i’m lilac i’m an admin and also a sims enthusiast anyways, back onto what’s important here, this lil bean called red blue !

personality

THANK YOU FOR SUBSCRIBING TO BLUE FACTS. PLEASE TEXT ‘STOPBLUE’ TO CANCEL YOUR SUBSCRIPTION.

but if you have seen blue’s blog sidebar and title, i feel like you will gather a LOT about his personality lmfao

he is playful, jocular, and honestly? immature

always looking for the childhood he never got to have, y’know?

he is secretly very insecure and always has a need to please. if someone doesn’t like him, he’ll tear himself apart to figure out why.

he’s always telling jokes and always laughing. he’s known for his Memes and is always a good time to be around… if you know what i mean ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

but also Anti-( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) because ya boi has commitment issues so high they’re past the inevitable spaghetti monster that’s probably floating out there in space

he can also be very maternal when the need arises. he is not good at talking about emotions but he’ll give you a meme or a plate of cookies to Heal You

honestly? the human embodiment of a puppy. cannot be alone for very long, has a short attention span, and craves validation lmfao. give him a squeaky toy and he will be Contented

as a footballer he can be Tough on field when he needs to be but he’s also v sensitive and talks to birds he passes on his morning runs like he’s a disney princess djkgfdk

he struggles academically as he has a short attention span most of the time and thinks too little of himself. however, he’s a lot brighter than most people give him credit for. he’s incredibly creative and a lateral thinker. maths makes him want to die, tho.

also what’s money? blue does not know

to many, blue’s known as the troubled kid who turned his life around. to others, he’s known as the local Meme Dealer. but to a lucky few, he’s known as a friend who would do anything for you.

most just know him as the moron named after a colour tho.  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

history. (trigger warning: illness, death, drugs, depression)

WHO’S READY FOR SOME CHROMATIC CONTENT

blue hawthorne, who never goes by his birthname bc he hates it dfkjgdgdf ( what is his birthname ? he’ll never tell ┌( ಠ‿ಠ)┘ ) was born right here in ashmont.

despite not having a lot - he grew up with just him and his mum ( his father left before he was born, never knew a thing about him ), in a tiny trailer park on the outskirts of town. a far cry from the opulent manors peppered all throughout town, and the very lifestyle blue’s mother was accustomed to as a child. however, the pair were content as long as they were together.

despite not having much, blue loved every second of his childhood. he wore his mischief like a crown, smiling wherever he went. he’d always resonated with a love of music and dance, and like his mother before him, danced. ballet was his passion growing up, and started as young as 5.

as a child blue was often teased for this, and the fact that he was so close with his mother. he was also very outspoken and strong-willed, and never let his peers get the best of him. he danced, he laughed, he bruised his knees at any given opportunity. what he lacked in possessions he gained in the abundance of joy he felt in his heart growing up. his mother and a few of his close friends were his world.

when blue turned ten, everything changed.

the jubilant, mischievous, but altogether kind-hearted boy was given the heart-breaking news that his mother had been diagnosed with cancer. margarette hawthorne, much like her son, was a fighter - and didn’t let such a diagnosis keep her down. despite their dwindling lack of funds now going towards medical bills, and the fact blue began sacrificing his own childhood as he took to the role of a caretaker of sorts for his mother, he never took his time with her for granted.

things were okay for a while. there was a point where the doctors were convinced that she was going to make it. blue was a fool. blue believed them.

at the age of thirteen, blue lost everything. he lost his place to live, he lost his childhood and lust for life, and he lost the person he loved most in the world. he lost his best friend.

it wasn’t long before the overbearing sympathy from those around him soured blue. he was sick of being bullied, people not liking him, and altogether not being in control. so what did this boy do ? he quit ballet (the thing he’d loved since he was able to stand), he started drinking, he got involved in a very bad crowd and became a frequenter of the local ashmont police station. blue became a certified Bad Boy™

blue was sent to live with the grandparents that despised him and never acknowledged his existence before that moment. righteous and conservative in their views, they had cast aside their daughter when she had blue out of wedlock, and only reached out to her in her final months. for this reason, blue despised these people (he refused to call them family). he tried his best to be appreciative of a house and food ( which was much better than anything he had growing up ). but he was cold. always cold.

as a teenager, blue fell into a rapid succession of bad decisions. still small, still frail in stature, he found himself at a dissonance with his image and began growing insecure about his looks, the years of torment weighing on him. he found anesthetic in the party scene outside of school, taking to alcohol and drugs as a sedative from the life he felt forced to lead. his grandparents were pigeon-holing him into a preppy, studious boy who’d go on to be a banker or a lawyer, when all blue had wanted to do was be himself. he couldn’t decide if he hated himself or he hated the world more.

at the age of 16, his rap sheet seemed to grow with each rising of the sun. he’d fallen in with a bad crowd, hardly ever heading ‘home’ and couch surfed. at the age of 16 he’d gotten his own car and lived more out of that than the stuffy house on top of the hill where he was supposed to stay. his grades were sinking towards the bottom of the barrel, he was always looking for validation from the bad kids he hung around with and made some very poor decisions in the hopes he’d be liked. in the hopes he’d find a new family.

the partying, the stream of hook ups, his criminal record (mainly with traffic offences, a few write ups for public intoxication and fighting), sobriety, the instability of his living situation and his future all came to boil just before he turned 17. physically he’d started to fill out, and look more like the man people know today. he was no longer frail and no longer weak, and when asked, he used to his fists to forge that path he thought he wanted.

after a dark night, it became apparent to blue that his path of self destruction was hurting no one but himself. whether by choice or by accident, he knew he wasn’t ready to see his mother again. so… he’d hit rock bottom with a spectacular thud. but blue knew the only way to go from there was up.

through nothing short than a McMiracle (sponsored by Ronald McDonald, bc no one else is rich enough to pull it off lmfao) blue managed to scrape by and complete high school.

blue had no doubt his family name (that of his grandparents) helped him secure an athletic scholarship to st etienne. in his year of transformation from 17 to 18 his grandmother had softened to the boy she’d always hated and was riddled with guilt for the years of mistreatment, and promised to pay for his education (that wasn’t covered by his scholarship) as long as he promised to make something of himself. his first year of college, things really started looking up for blue. he was finally back on track.

then woops, grim came a-knocking again

bidding farewell to the grandmother he was only beginning to know, his grandfather had no reason to extend her kindnesses, and cut blue off. at the age of 18 he was homeless, with nothing but a car and a handful of pokemon cards he’d had as a kid. not worth anything or even particularly sentimental, he just likes pokemond kgfjfd.

living in his car for a while before eventually crashing with a close friend, blue managed to absorb his days in study and in work. he quickly found his passion in helping kids, and giving them the childhoods that he never got. going into teaching seemed like a no-brainer.

although blue’s wild days are behind him, there are some things locked in his past that still haunt him. there are doors he never hopes to open again. but he got his fresh start, and is determined to live the life a young blue would have wanted for him, and one his mother could be proud of.

then the grim reaper came back a third time, his scythe begging for daisey rutherford.

the investigation.

blue’s connection to daisey is that they danced in ballet classes together… as you can imagine, daisey had to put on her Evil Training Wheels somewhere and unfortunately, blue was one of her earliest victims. teased constantly for his appearance, his love of ballet, his lack of wealth, and on awful days, his single parent household.

for the most part blue had grown resilient in ignoring these comments. but he never forgot how daisey mistreated him, and sparked a wave of similar comments from people in their year when they were only children.

hey now im not gonna rEVEAL (bc what if he is ??? :o ) anything relating to the crime if he was the murderer, but know he is Lorge and Strong and could probably push daisey over with his finger lmfao

it’s also worth noting that one of daisey’s parents, a beloved surgeon, treated blue’s mother whilst she was in hospital with cancer. the late detection of its return is what caused her death, and blue has been vocal in his blame in the rutherford family for the loss of the person closest to him ever since.

now i’m not saying blue did anything… but if he did, his ‘eye for an eye’ motive ? maybe not as crazy as you may think. especially when you consider your boi already has a criminal record. ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ

plots.

atm i am still working on blue’s blob and getting his stats/connections page up BUT !! here are a few fun lil plots beyond his skeleton connections that i’d absolutely love to explore. also here’s his current connections page for further ideas ! 

CHILDHOOD FRIENDS  - blue grew up in ashmont, and didn’t have a lot of friends kfgjfd. if your muse would have been down for a Young Memey Mess that’s fond of a pirouette, blue is your Man. on the flip side, if your muse is one of the Cool Kids and is looking for potential animosity, i’d love someone who tried to squash blue like a bug in their youth (~:

FLIRTATIONSHIP - blue is currently in a (hidden) relationship, and for the first time in his life, gasp, might have feelings. but he’s a fucking walnut and refuses to admit that, so a plot of someone with an unrequited crush, a fun flirtationship, or even someone that just wants to be his wingman would not only be fun, but also incredibly painful - which is what we deserve. 8) (also note, blue is bisexual so any muse would work. <3)

COWORKERS - blue works as a trainer at the ashmont fitness centre ( …. dont @ maaria for the page not being done fgjdgkdf  WE ARE IN THE PROCESS OF UPDATING THE PAGES NOW KDFJGDKFJ). but i’d always be down for plots in the workplace !!

UBER - sorry for the lame ass name lmao but dkjfgfkd blue is not about the party scene anymore ( lowkey bc he’s afraid to get addicted again and throw away everything he’s worked so hard for). but he does care a lot about people, and a pal of his is v much still hooked to that lifestyle and he very dkfgjdf determinedly drives them home every time to ensure they’re safe. could be former party friends, could be current friends in some capacity. maybe there was an incident in their past that blue feels guilt over ( a fight perhaps, trigger warning - maybe an overdose?) and so now he looks after them. or even just having a sibling-like bond, which (as blue is an only child) i’d also love something like that!

STUDY BUDDY - blue is a moron and needs someone to help him not fail kdfjgdf. he may not be naturally adept at getting good grades, but unlike many, he’s trying his absolute hardest. in return, he’s more than happy to be your Meme Dealer. bonus points if it’s unlikely friends, or if they didn’t exactly get along at first. :D

FELLOW FOOTBALLERS - 2 bros sitting in a hot tub five feet apart bc they’re not gay. dkjgdgdf but for REAL. exploring the team dynamic of the football team would be so fun, especially with blue’s reputation and the fact he only started taking up the sport when he was about 15-16, which may be a lot later than other guys in the team.

RIVALS - god they’re probably rivals about memes and i hate that but that’s just what it is :/

ok i have nothing else to say other than thank you for being a sweetheart and reading through this ??? i know it was a McMess but, if you’d like to plot with said mcmess definitely hit me up - or wait it out a lil bc i plan to do some starter stuff and plotting later today. (~: love you all, and viva la daisey ! 

[7dys]

highschool!jeno

repost !! if you’re reading this and think it seems familiar that's because you’ve already read it <3

word count: 7.1k 

a/n: this gif is so god damn CUTE im losing it anyways we’re breaking this accs fic virginity with one of my favs <333

warnings: underage drinking, some k*sses

lets start on the first day of school back from winter break

it’s cold as h*ck outside and you didn’t wear enough layers because ya know how cold could it be ??

the answer is: VERY COLD

you pull up to school and park next to donghyuck and immediately launch yourself into his car

it has seat warmers and you’re tryna get IN on that action

you’ve been friends with donghyuck and renjun since kindergarten when i tell you these boys have seen you at your WORST

you’ve recently adopted chenle as the youngest member of the Crew since he hates everyone in his grade lmao

prince chenle please have mercy on the plebeians :(((

anyways you’re in hyuckie’s car and shivering and he doesn’t even flinch when you get in bc this is a common occurrence

and then, like clockwork, renjun catapults into the backseat followed by chenle and they start shivering too

basically everyone is cold except donghyuck and he looks SMUG

and then chenle is like u guys !!! my bestie jisung says there’s a new kid today !!!! let’s befriend him !!!!!!!!!!!!

and you’re all like , who the hell is jisung

chenle explains in great detail how him and jisung both share a love for making fun of jisung’s senior friend, mark, and that they are now Best Friends Forever

renjun is lowkey insulted that his Son didn’t tell him but it’s okay

anyways you tell him to invite his other friends + new kid to come sit with you guys at lunch if it’s That Deep and chenle squeals and bounces in his seat

absolute Baby Boy

before you go inside you sprint across the lot to fling yourself into lucas’s car and beg him for a sweater since you know he leaves like 5 Big Ones in his car at all times

lucas is sort of the Big Irresponsible Brother of the group and he isn’t as close with y’all but he’ll come hang out and make terrible jokes and laugh really hard at them

and he’s very weirdly protective over you guys ?? like he’s a goofy boy but if someone looks at one of you wrong ???

he’s suddenly a Big Man On The Block and he’ll look all intimidating and scary

u know he could do it if he really wanted to

he puts up a valiant effort to ignore you since he knows it takes WEEKS for the sweater to be returned

but you pout and latch on to his arm and he sighs and shakes you off and goes uGH fine

you smile and thank him and call him lukie and he lunges for you as you yeet out of the car with sweater in hand

you squeak when you almost run face first into lucas’s friend mark’s shoulder during your Big Escape

you’ve always,,,, lowkey thought he was cute but he’s also older than you and Out Of Your League so :/

also your only connection is thru lucas and that’s a slippery slope my g

you’re still friendly though so he when he makes a surprised face you both giggle and then wave as you head to school and he opens the door to ask lucas if he’s finished their partner powerpoint

lucas has not

obviously

you vaguely know the boys in lucas’s friend group but all you really know about jisung is through chenle and you know next to nothing about jaemin other than he’s pretty

because,,,,, everyone knows that

okay so you head to first period and unfortunately you don’t have that class with any of your Buddies

you go in and take your usual seat by the window since history is a whole snooze fest and you like to watch the clouds outside

you like the teacher though so you take it every year anyways

you’re curled up in the seat since you’re still cold and your chin rests on your knees as you count how many birds are in a flock that’s circling around

and then you hear the quiet murmuring of the class raise to more of a commotion and bring your attention back to the indoors

the teacher, Mr.Choi, has just led in a new boy and

holy shit he is beautIFUL

he’s a few inches taller than you and has a somewhat athletic build

and those are nice and all but your favorite thing has got to be his smile

his whole face seems to emit sunshine when he smiles , albeit nervously

and his eyes turn up into little half moons even while he flicks a piece of dark hair out of his eyes

uwu such a CUTIE

mr.choi introduces him to the class and his name is lee jeno !!!

you’re still curled up as his eyes start to scan the room and they fall on you

his lips quirk a little in what you assume is amusement at your position and ridiculously oversized sweater

you blush and try to quickly change position to sit like a Normal Good Student

but end up banging your knee on the desk and cursing under your breath and turning even more red

he ducks his head bashfully and then makes his way to his seat which is ,,,, the one next to you

NICE ONE M8

everyone starts getting their stuff out and jeno leans over and whispers to ask if your knee is okay

such a sweet boy :(

you can barely look at him when you nod and he smiles again and you almost mELT INTO A PUDDLE

he goes back to his supplies and you both wait for the teacher to start the lesson

you try to focus you really do but your head wanders off and soon you’re daydreaming of bouncing on clouds and being able to speak to animals and other impossible things

you jump when jeno taps you on the shoulder

“hey? um the bell rang ,,,, and also i think you um missed the notes so if you want a picture of mine you can have one”

“oh my goHSH i’m so sorry i’ve really gotta stop doing that thank you so much !”

you snap a quick picture of his notes and thank him again before rushing off to your next class

about 5 steps out the door you hear jeno stumble out behind you

“wait ! you never told me your name !! ......and also i don’t know where my next class is”

your lips press together to keep from giggling so that he doesn’t think you’re making fun of him

you hold out your hand for his schedule and tell him your name

bUT he thinks you’re going for a handshake so he grasps your hand with his large and calloused one

you sQUEAK ALOUD

and he whips his hand back in fear that he’s hurt you or something

“oh um ? oh my god i’m sorry did i hurt you ???”

“no !!! i was just surprised ??!:&;&”

“that i , shook your hand ?”

“i mean i was holding it out for your schedule”

“oh . yikes”

“it’s okay though ! i shouldn’t have been surprised shaking hands is a uh normal thing isn’t it”

“yeah ,,, haha”

and then the late bell rings and you both jump

you pluck his schedule off the ground where he had previously dropped it in his haste to pull his hand from yours

you unthinkingly grab his wrist and pull him in the direction of his next class and practically push him into the classroom before rushing to your class

your math teacher is Strict and will def be getting onto you for being late :/

the rest of the day passes normally except your usual daydreams are interrupted by one Soft Boy

it’s finally fINALLY time for lunch though thank you god

you meet donghyuck and renjun at your usual spot outside

you guys pretty much sit out there every single day no matter the weather unless there’s like monsoon or smth

you squish up close to hyuck and try to get warm while you wait for chenle and apparently all of his friends that he’s bringing

soon enough, you spot him excitedly dragging a fond looking jisung followed by lucas and mark who are even fonder looking

just behind them is jaemin who is cracking a joke to none other than the New Boy

you panic.  because oh no you definitely uhh embarrassed yourself earlier ????

but it’s too late to back out now

just to be sure though you straighten up so you’re not too close to hyuck

cANT HAVE HIM THINKING YOURE NOt COMPLETELY SINGLE AND AVAILABLE

chenle and jisung plop down across from renjun and lucas swings a leg over the bench so his back faces you and then leans all his weight on you

“ouch you OAF get off of me you’re like a million pounds”

“a million pounds of pure muscle baby hell ye”

mark smacks the leg on the outside of the bench so he’ll sit normally and sits on his other side after giving you a wave

jaemin hooks his arm around jeno and proudly introduces him to the group

jeno smiles his smile , y’all know the one

and he waves

when he catches your eye though his smile somehow gets even brighter

“oh y/n ! hey !!! did you make it to second period okay ?”

“oh um yeah? i mean i was late and mrs.park gave me an extra homework assignment but it’s fine”

“oh gOD i’m so sorry do you want me to do it for you ?? i feel so bad”

“no no it’s fine i need the practice it’s okay really”

and then you both pause and realize everyone is staring at you

yikes

jeno explains how you two already met that morning and the boys seem appeased even though donghyuck eyes you slyly

he mouths that you’ll be discussing this with him later rip you

jeno ends up sitting across from you and you do your best not to stare at him but he’s in your diRECT line of sight

you have a habit of absentmindedly kicking your feet and just moving them around and you accidentally brush his shins and ankles multiple times

he waves you off everytime you apologize

the whole of lunch is spent basically merging the two groups

everyone settles into their roles pretty easily and you wonder why there are literally no other females except you

but then you realize why when lucas starts attempting to burp the abc’s and almost barfs :))))))))))

you whine and cover your eyes because like other people barfing makes yOU feel sick and then everyone is sick and that is Not Good

you push yourself as close to donghyuck and as far away from him as possible as everyone goes NO NO STOP NO

he stops when everyone starts yelling at him lmao

once he stops and you peek an eye open you smack him and huff and kick your legs out, hitting jeno’s shins once again

“jesus y/n he just got here and you’re already bruISING HIM”

“ IM SORRY ITS A BAD HABIT DJFJ”

jeno just reaches across the table and pats your forearm and tells you not to worry about it

“i play soccer you guys my shins are made of STEEL”

okay also there goes your last shred of self restraint soccer players are everyone’s weakness and you cANT TELL ME OTHERWISE

also he just ???? patted your forearm like it was nothing this boy is just asking for it isn’t he

the rest of the day passes pretty quickly and throughout the week you get back into the swing of things at school

jeno has literature with you later in the day and sits by you and giggles while you tell him about how much the teacher looks like sully from monsters ink

to be fair the guy is a gentle giant but he’s really large and rather hairy so

what did he expect

jeno seamlessly fits in with your group of friends it’s almost like he was always there

a lot of the boys sometimes forget he wasn’t n they’re like hEY remember when-

and he’s like uh no i do not lol

unfortunately jeno arrived too late to join the soccer team with mark and jaemin bUT that doesn’t stop him from joining you all in going to support them

every week the whole lot of you either attend the home game or follow the team bus to wherever the away game is

usually you have to split between 2 cars since even without mark and jaemin there’s 7 of you

and no one owns a minivan or would like to so

usually renjun and lucas drive

lucas, contrary to popular belief, is actually a really good driver as long as chenle is not in the car

the two of them are entirely too excitable to be in a confined space together

during one of the last games of the season it’s really REALLY cold

you rode with lucas and donghyuck called shotgun so you and jeno sat in the back and renjun brought chenle and jisung

on the way there your nose was running just a tad so you were sniffling every once in awhile

jeno kept offering you his gloves and hand warmers but you insisted you were fine and that this happens every year when it gets cold at soccer games

you don’t protest though when you arrive and he wordlessly removes his beanie and pulls it down over your head, making sure your ears are covered

your cheeks turn as red as the tip of your nose and now you’re not so sure you needed the extra warmth at all

he blushes a little too and quickly scurries away to the bleachers ejjdj

you stack your arms high with blankets from the trunk to sit on and wrap yourselves in

cold metal bleachers are no bueno

you wobble up the steps as chenle and jisung bound ahead of you and lucas walks behind you to make sure you don’t trip and die

he’s caring when he wants to be uwu

jeno takes some off your pile when you get to the spot he reserved for the Gang and spreads them across the seats

you distribute the rest amongst you and huddle together for warmth while you wait for the game to start

donghyuck is seen silently threatening chenle and jisung with his eyes when they move to sit on either side of you and then sending a sugary sweet smile to jeno and beckoning him to sit next to you

chenle and jisung squish together on your other side and lucas sits between renjun and chenle,,,, theyre lowkey his favorites

donghyuck pouts about sitting on the edge but is appeased when mark and jaemin come out onto the field and mark waves and blows him a kiss

boy turned redder than his hair but didn’t miss the chance to catch the air kiss and smack it onto his cheek

jeno has left a few inches of space between you as a Common Courtesy i guess but really no one would mind if he just ,,, scooched on over

as the game progresses the both of you lose the tension in your shoulders until eventually you’re pressed up against his side just as much as jisung is trying to leech warmth from your other side

everytime one of your buddies scores or assists or does literally anything you all simultaneously stand up and SCREAM

one of these times you stand up and open your mouth to scream only to sneeze violently lol

like the kind where you try to hold it back and it comes out as a squeak but the force shakes your body and you do a little jump

jeno stops cheering to place a hand on the middle of your back and stoops to meet your eyes

he asks if you’re okay through sporadic chuckles because it was kind of funny

and you nod and shove his shoulder and tell him to stop laughing >:(

you dramatically turn away from him and cross your arms and he laughs even harder

he circles his fingers around your wrist and pulls you to face him and his laughing is only renewed by the pout on your face

“aw cmon it was funny!!!”

“what if i’m DYING jeno ???”

“you aren’t though”

“how would yOU know >:(“

“it was one sneeze, sugar”

“don’t call me sugar when i’m trying to be mad”

“okay, sugar”

you smack his shoulder lightly and he bursts into laughter and swings his arm around you pulling you into his side

you blush but do your best not to stiffen and make the moment awkward

so instead you go limp and let your cheek squish against his leather jacket before he lets you go just in time for your whole group to sit down

would’ve been awkward if y’all were just embracing while everyone else was seated lmao

you spend the rest of the game trying to forget about how easily he pulled you into him and how you wouldn’t mind staying right there tucked under his arms with your sides pressed together

the both of you settle for just sitting close enough that the side of your thigh is pressed against his

when the game ends you all go out onto the field to congratulate mark and jaemin on the win !!

you hug them both even though jaemin tries to wipe his sweat on you that SHIT

he raises an eyebrow at the black beanie still tucked onto your head and right at that moment jeno reaches across your huddle of friends to tug it back down over the red tips of your ears

jaemin’s eyebrows raise even more at that and you just shrug and smile sheepishly

then everyone piles into their respective vehicles and sets off for home

it’s pretty late at night and screaming and shivering is rather energy draining

before you know it jeno has flopped over with his head in your lap and the rest of him stretched across the backseat as much as he can

you’re too sleepy and warmed up by both his actions and the car’s heating system to question it

so you just run your fingers through his hair

it’s unsurprisingly very soft and silky and he seems to enjoy your actions GREATLY

not long after you start his breaths even out and his hands come up to wrap around the part of your thigh just above your knee

he nuzzles the side of his face into your leg in his sleep and even Half Conscious Y/n is kind of shocked and blushy but continues to pet him

lucas eyes you both in the rear view mirror and smiles fondly oof

“is he cuddling your leg back there y/n?”

“yeah it’s okay though, it’s ,,,,,,,,, cute”

“isn’t it? he’s always been cuddly, almost like a cat”

you mumble a little yeah and return your attention to the sleeping boy in your lap

when you get home lucas drops you off last so as not to wake jeno too early

but eventually you gotta so you tug on his hair a little and poke his cheek but he only grips you tighter

“hey. jeno !!! kitty cat !!!!!!! wake UP !!!!!”

“you’re being too gentle he requires a Forceful Awakening”

and then lucas reaches back to pinch him hard or something but you wave your hands around and whisper shout nO

can’t hurt the bby :(

your last resort is pressing your cold hand that hadn’t been in his hair against his neck and he jolts and his eyes flick open

then his face scrunches and he shoos your hand away from him

“alright alrIGHT i’m up”

he sits up and looks absolutely fucking aDORABLE with his hair all fluffy and sticking up

his eyes are only half open and he stretches before realizing he is home and thanking you both

he pulls you into a sleepy and sort of awkward hug since the backseat isn’t Ideal for affection but you appreciate it nonetheless and pat his back

him and lucas do some sort of bro handshake and then you watch him shuffle to his front door

you climb into the front seat because opening the door and letting cold air in is the Phattest Mistake Ever

lucas smirks and you smack him before he can even say anything

“i dIdNt EvEn SaY aNyThInG”

“ and you will continue doing so”

“okay but you guys were pretty cozy back there huh?”

“what’s it to u”

“and that seems to be his beanie on your head , isn’t it?”

“wHATS IT TO U”

he shakes his head and laughs and drives you home

you thank him despite him being The Worst and hug him

you also make him swear not to tell anyone when your elbow bumped into the horn and you screamed

when you make it into your room you change into comfy clothes sluggishly and practically fall onto your bed

you cover your face with your hands and try to pretend like you aren’t smiling REALLY hard right now but you’re fooling a grand total of no one

it’s a friday night so the next morning you let yourself sleep in as much as you can stand

you make pancakes while pointedly ignoring all the texts from donghyuck when you notice the subject of all of them appears to be jeno

lucas has everyone’s numbers and makes a big group message because he just fckin loves chaos i guess

he sends a hopelessly typo filled text about there being a party that night and since he’s invited you’re ALL invited

and okay you’re no stranger to parties but like jisung and chenle are innocent babies

and you’ve got no idea what jeno is comfortable with since you all literally met him just a couple of weeks ago

you eventually respond to hyuck’s long and almost illegible texts with just “no.” and tell lucas you’ll go if only to make sure no one dies

you get called lame and a mom for that one :/

fast forward to this party

you’re wearing cute clothes but also it’s cold so like , cute sweater and jeans hehe

you’ve designated yourself and chenle as Designated Drivers

1:your anxiety wont allow you to get drunk since you’ll be unable to take care of Your Boys

2: chenle is almost unbearable sober , so

you’ve got jeno in the passenger seat and the rest of 00 line squished together in the back while chenle drives The Fossils and jisung

you pull up and the party is ,,,,,, really fucking big

there are entirely too many people here for your tastes but the boys spill out of your car with excited whoops when you FINALLY find a parking spot so

u gotta stay homie :/

you walk in behind them more sedately while chenle excitedly clings to yukhei’s back

you shout at him to watch his head just in time for him to dodge the door frame when yukhei does an excited lil jump

he smiles sheepishly at you and then shouts ONWARD MIGHTY STEED as his “steed” thunders into the crowd of people

you can already tell you’re going to have a difficult time with this since chenle is No Help Whatsoever

you’ve lost whoever was with chenle and jaemin has already flirted some poor soul into making him drinks

jeno is clinging to jaemin and looking around in nervous wonder since he knows absolutely no one here

donghyuck has challenged a Giant College Boy to beer pong and is ,,,,,, winning

renjun is cheering at the side and you decide to go join them

renjun leans over and is all so u just gonna let jaemin steal ur man like that ?????

you smack his already drunk ass (renjun sCREAMS lightweight) and tell him jeno is Not Your Man

he doesn’t have to know that you wish he was :////

so you hang out with hyuck and renjun until they’re both too annoying to stand and you go try to hunt down jaemin and jeno

to make sure jaemin isn’t pressuring jeno into anything

not that jaemin would get him into BAD things per say

he’s just a persuasive person and you don’t want jeno to get stuck in seven minutes in heaven with some random girl or too drunk to walk a straight line

if anything he should get stuck in seven minutes in heaven with you !!! >:(((((((

you find him perched on the arm of the couch in the living room with jaemin nowhere to be seen

he’s literally just smiling serenely at nothing while two younger boys (hey look it’s jisung and chenle) poke each other without tearing their eyes away from the screen

because god damn it chenle refuses to lose to a drunk jisung at mario kart

you tap him on the shoulder and he turns to look at you and his whole face just lights up ????

he smiles so big and gasps excitedly and his eyes do the scrunchy thing uwu

you’re about to playfully pinch his cheek and ask him if he’s doing okay but like

he literally snatches you by the waist and  pulls you between his legs and presses his face into the soft part of your neck where it meets your shoulder

you turn red and your heart goes baduMBADUMBADUMBADUM

he doesn’t even notice or if he does he doesn’t say anything ???

your hands fall to his shoulders and try to gently pry him off but his grip only tightens

“ouch oUCH jeno you’re crushing my organs”

he immediately loosens his grip and tilts his head back to look up at you

“ ‘m sorry, pretty”

“did you just call me pretty”

“well you are”

“i am what?”

he giggles and knocks his nose into your chin

“you’re pretty !!! silly y/n hhehsheehhe”

“oKAY you are very drunk aren’t you?”

“mmhmm :)))))))”

“alright, time to gather the Gang and head home. wait here and DO NOT MOVE okay ?”

he doesn’t acknowledge you and just rests his forehead back on your shoulder

you go to find the rest of your probably very drunk friends but jeno ,,,,, doesn’t let go

you turn around in his grip and try to push off the couch to get him to let go but he is VERY STRONG

and refuses to let go

you’re very torn because being held by jeno ???  absolute 10/10

but also you want to leave ?? and he won’t ??? let you ???? find the boys ??????

“jeno, sweetheart, you gotta let me go”

“noooooo but you’re so soft and u smell good n ur so prettyyy :(“

“god why are you so cUTE drunk?”

“ ‘m cute all the time, babe”

“and very flirty apparently”

“ i mean all of it !!!! ‘s not just because i’m drunk i promise !!!!!!”

“okay okay i believe you but you gotta let me go find our friends so we can get you home”

“i don’t wanna leave :(((( ‘m gonna miss you”

you literally have to put a hand over your heart because that’s so fucking adorable

“okay what if everyone comes over and hangs out at my house hm? i won’t be gone for long”

“okay ,,,, can i come with you though?”

“yes ???? everyone is coming to my house??”

“nO you’re so silly omg i mean to find everyone”

“yes now let go”

you go to move away and instead he just stands up still wrapped around you from behind

at this point you’ve done everything you can so you just let him be

you walk around the party and snatch up every one of your Sons Even Though A Lot Are Older And Bigger Than You and corral them out to their respective transportation

you make sure chenle knows to bring them back to your house since your parents are out of town on vacation (without u ,,, :/ )

and you get lucas to pry jeno off of you and place him in the passenger seat

even drunk and giggly he is Strong Man

you climb in the car and tell hyuck to Shut Up and jaemin to stop trying to make renjun sit in his lap

jeno reaches across and immediately latches onto the hand closest to him

you’ve decided to just accept his excessive affection for the night tbh

i mean , it’s not like u hate it or anything ,,,

but you still pretend like it’s a hassle for the sake of your dignity and jiggle your arm a little in his grip as a half hearted attempt to get him to let go

instead he lifts your hand to his mouth and kisses it and then smiles at you really wide

you turn RED and start the drive home as quickly as possible so you can Focus On The Road

when you pull in renminhyuck excitedly run towards your front door while you extract your hand from jenos and get out of the car

he follows you and tangles your fingers together as you walk to the front door

drunk renjun is even more excited than before and is like aRe YoU gUyS dAtInG nO w ??:$&;&(

jeno bounces up and down next to you and then goes

“aw can we ??? :)))) please ???”

you splutter and just drag him past the others to unlock your front door

“alright find yourself a place to sleep that is NOT my bed or my parents bed and lay down there. i will bring pillows and blankets,,,,,,, and medicine for in the morning”

after like 45 seconds of protesting that they aren’t tired renjun knocks out curled up in an armchair and jaemin and donghyuck decide to build a pile of pillows to sleep on

they look super cute all curled up together :((((((

chenle arrives not much later dragging along jisung by the hand

mark and lucas stumble in not long after giggling

mark sees hyuckie curled up with jaemin and let’s out a scandalized gasp before literally picking him up bridal style and depositing them both on the couch

donghyuck wakes up (“mark~~ i missed u”) and proceeds press himself against marks side and fall back asleep

jisung and chenle join a Cuddly Even In His Sleep jaemin and lucas climbs in your parents bed

you are entirely too tired to stop him and he’s too heavy to move so you just leave him

jeno has disappeared and you have your suspicions ,,,,

they are confirmed when you enter your room and he’s perched on the edge of your bed looking like he fell asleep sitting up

at the click of your door opening he perks up and when he sees it’s you he lifts his hands towards you and makes grabby fingers :((((((

BABY

“ i have a feeling once i do that you will not let me go so ,,,, i’m gonna change first okay? do you want to borrow some sleep clothes?”

“heheHeh yes pls love u”

you smile and shake your head before handing him a pair of your sweatpants

because honestly they’re big on you and he’s ,,,,,,

got a flat ass so he’ll fit in them

he starts to take off his jeans and you’re like nO NO WAIT TIL I LEAVE TO CHANGE DHDJKF

you snatch up a big t shirt and leggings and dash to the bathroom across the hall

you splash water on your face so that you’ll actually believe that this night really fuckinh happened oh my god

you slowly change into your pajamas and then creep back across the hall, hoping jeno fell asleep already so you won’t have to face him like this

he’s being so soft and affectionate and ngl it’s scary that when he wakes up he might not remember

or he might remember and want to pretend it never happened :((((

but nonetheless might as well enjoy what ya got while ya got it

he’s awake and sitting in the middle of your bed now, cross legged and drawing circles in with his fingers into your comforter

his head lifts and he smiles again and reaches for you , again

this time you let him and come close enough to reach him and hold out your hand

he grabs it and pulls you ,,,, on top of him

he genuinely just lays back and takes you with him so you’re laying on his chest and your legs are tangled with his

he grabs your other hand places them both on his own shoulders before dropping his arms to wrap around your rib cage

“jeno please i don’t want to crush you”

“hey you could never !!! im a big boy in strong enough >:(“

“i never said you weren’t but we cannot sleep like this”

“says who? :(“

“says me”

he rolls the two of you over so he’s now half on top of and rests his head over your heart

“how about this?”

he says it a little too smugly so you pinch his cheek before settling down to sleep

you wrap one arm around his shoulders and your other hand naturally comes down to rest on his forearm that’s laid across your waist

“jeno?”

“yeah babe?”

you pause at that to inhale deeply because good christ he is going to be the death of you

“will you,,, will you remember all this in the morning ? and like , still mean all the things you said?”

he props his chin up to look at you but you remain staring at the ceiling

“yes. i promise. i’ll even kiss you if you’ll let me.”

“oh i dont know about that”

he narrows his eyes and pinches your side for that one so you squirm in his grasp

“okay oKAY we both know i literally want nothing else”

“hell yeah i know that , see u in the morning lovebug”

“goodnight bubs”

and you both fall asleep literally seconds after

the next morning no one in your house is awake before noon

you are the first to rise and you gently get out of bed without waking jeno and tip toe to your kitchen

you quickly start making an excessive amount pancakes because they are after all, Teen Boys and their stomachs are after all, Bottomless Pits

renjun shuffles into the kitchen not long after and pours himself some orange juice before wordlessly sitting at the table behind you

you make pancake after pancake almost mindlessly, it’s weirdly relaxing ??

lucas comes in next and bangs into the door frame before serving himself 8 pancakes and eating them at a scary pace

he realizes how Damn Rude that is by his third one and looks up to thank you enthusiastically

“yeah yeah just don’t make a mess you caveman”

“yes ma’am”

“careful there yukhei she might like being called ma’am”

and would you look at that donghyuck has entered :-)))))))

you flick some pancake batter in his direction but it hits mark who is right next to him

and poor dumb baby licks it off his finger and his face crinkles in disgust and you burst out laughing

hdjdjdjdj god please mark look out for yourself more jesus

in the next 15 minutes, the chatting and the smell of breakfast brings everyone crowding into the kitchen except jeno whom is apparently still asleep in your room

everyone has served themselves and you’re cooking the last of the batter by the time jeno stumbles in and wraps himself around you to prop his chin on your shoulder

the clatter of utensils quiets down to silence as they all gape at the easy and familiar affection jeno bestows upon you as if it’s an everyday thing

your hands freeze in their movements but jeno doesn’t move

his eyes are half closed and he rests a good bit of his body weight against you

you clear your throat awkwardly and give the others an evil glare over your shoulder

chenle is the first to hurriedly return to eating and the rest join in soon

you turn your head to whisper that you’ll get his pancakes done sooner if he doesn’t lean on you too much

he backs off but still lingers and presses the ghost of a kiss to your shoulder in acknowledgement

:((((((((((((

the boys snicker when you duck your head and blush but luckily that was your last pancake so you chuck your spatula in their general direction

chenle screams and throws himself into yukhei’s lap for cover while the rest cover their heads with their arms

you snicker and jeno squeezes you one last time before letting go and sitting at the table

at this point there is Nowhere For You to sit and the boys are too busy being rowdy teens to make room for you

jeno takes your plate from you and pulls you. into his lap.

the aUDACITY OF THIS BOY

WTF

the boys luckily don’t take much notice so you eat quickly and hop up to take everyone’s plates and pile them in the sink to wash later

jeno watches you fondly as you buzz around the kitchen in between conversations with jaemin about whatever antics they got into together last night before you found him

okay time skip you’ve ushered everyone out of your home

and refused to give a ride to anyone since you had to deal with their Drunk Foolery all last night

instead of hugging each of them there is a giant group hug that honestly hurts more than it helps

but chenle was involved so, what did u expect

jeno stays behind

it’s honestly so god damn domestic how he leans against the door frame and waits for you while you wave on the front porch to all the Babies

you come back inside and close the door and jeno is ᵗʰᶦˢ far away from your face

“hi”

“hello~”

“did you need something?”

“yep!”

“and what would it be, i wonder?”

“oh nothing too extravagant”

“spit it out wonder boy”

“okay so you know how you said you would let me kiss you last night?”

“i vaguely recall,,”

“okay well i’m cashing that in”

“right now ??”

“right now”

“did you even brush your teeth today?”

“yes, because i knew you would say that”

“damn.”

then he chortles and lifts his palms to cup your face

he leans in even closer so that your breaths mingle and his nose nudges against yours

then he abruptly pulls away and like ?? wtf dude ?????????

“okay but first things first: be my girlfriend”

“is that the best u can do”

“no but my best would take longer and i wanna kiss you RIGHT NOW”

“well jeez you make a hard bargain”

“. oh my GOD”

“JSKDJ IM SORRY ILL BE UR GIRLFRIEND”

“THANK JESUS”

and then he kisses u.

HARD

IM SCREANSKNSH !!!!!!!

he uses his hands to tilt your head back so he can get the perfect angle and he smiles against your lips when you start panting for air

you lean away and he chases after you, not wanting to be apart for a second

he captures them again and kisses you so softly you could CRY

I AM CRYING !

then he pulls away and presses a lingering kiss on the part of your forehead just between your eyebrows and you go a little cross eyed trying to keep an eye on him

his eyes are still closed when he parts from you and his smile is Big and Beautiful fuck

then you launch yourself at him and cover him in little pecks n kisses and he squeaks because he’s a soft shit

to escape Your Affection he pulls you close and buries his head in your shoulder 

you wrap your arms around him and stand on your tip toes for it to be more comfortable for you both

but jeno has no plans of letting you go anytime soon so when your calves fatigue and you fall flat footed jeno pulls away and drags you to the couch

he declares this your First Date and puts on ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, marley and me

wtf jeno ? u tryna have a Sob Fest????

and it really does end in crying for both of you lmao

it’s pitiful

afterwards you watch that weird rip off of the smurfs called the snorks where it’s exactly the same except they’re underwater to get out of your Sad and Depressing mood

jeno eventually leaves because his mom has texted him 2738484 times to get his ass home

you walk him to the door and he kisses you goodbye in the Softest Fashion You’ve Ever Experienced and then waves at you over his shoulder on the way to his mother’s car

rip she had to pick him up since he didn’t drive there

as he walks away you’re almost uh Mad at how good he looks in your sweatpants

he notices your stare and opens his mouth to offer them back but you wave him off

“keep em, babe. they look better on you anyways”

and this , this BOY

winks, sLaps hIS OWN aSs ? and says

“i know they do ;)))))”

SJDKDK

the other boys each individually text you some variation of

“sO ??&: U AND JENO ?!?!:!;!&,&:”

and you reply to them all with

“yep.”

and Refuse to answer further questions

you and jeno fall into affection and dating so easily it’s as if you’ve been in a relationship all along

jeno is naturally very affectionate with just his friends so with you it’s tenfold

he literally can’t go more than 2 days without being able to see you

in person

and preferably kissing you

if he doesn’t see you for awhile he will sneak into your room and curl himself around your back

the first time he did it you were already in bed when the window opened and you thought he was a MURDERER and threw a book at him

once you had both calmed down he tackled you and pressed you into the sheets until you were out of breath from cackling and squealing

jeno loves you , so much

he loves you with everything he’s got and it’s honestly so endearing to you that he’s so attached

especially since you are just as attached i mean look at him

he calls you lovebug or sweetheart or any other slightly cringey nickname he can think of but he always uses your name when he tells you he loves you

he wants to you to know that he MEANS it and he FEELS it with every fiber of his body

and honestly what more could you ask for ?

[changji]

Wow you really went off the other day but at least it was worth it 😪 I normally look at the scenery when I’m on a road trip, but then I get bored of it and decide to sleep bc there’s nothing else to do. Motion sickness must suck :(( do you take gravol or something to help with it? Coffee literally drains the life out of my funds it hurts me

Yes omg pls make me cookies I love them. Maybe you can even open a bakery with pastries and sell some good /cheap/ coffee. Ilyt my dear baker 🥺 ye I’m not the biggest fan of my bday either but gotta celebrate anyway!! One year closer to death woohoo 🎉🎉 your birthday is the most important day of the year!!! You can’t fight me on this I’m right

Pearls are so good. Like most places I go to don’t add anything to the pearls so it’s just bland squishy balls but the place I frequent adds I think honey to sweeten them. It gives the pearls life istg. It tastes so good 🤤 hollering is a funny word. For some reason I always associate it with yodelling which makes me laugh

Ksks you must be op if you can make a joke in the wall with a door slam. I can’t relate my arms are literally sticks and I have no strength in me. Chrome books are terrible in general. Add my schools terrible wifi and you get one big recipe for disaster. I’d never fight u either (unless it’s for your bday) ily too much for that 🥺🥺🥺

Hahah I think it’s me. I haven’t heard anyone say “go ham” except for the people who go to my school. I find it really funny tho so I try to incorporate it whenever I can LOL easily burnt? Can’t relate but apparently I easily tan. There’s this one diagonal stripe on my shoulder that separates pale me and tan me which ??? How did that happen and what was I wearing for that to happen??

It’s all fun and games until you go outside and see a mountain of snow waiting for you to be shovelled. But there are some good aspects to winter, like skating and skiing and all that fun stuff. Snow is so heavy?? Or maybe I’m just weak but after I finish shovelling I’m beat. Gardening is not my thing. There’s too many bugs involved flying around 🥴

Kind of? I always thought it was short for cappuccino but I could be wrong. They don’t taste like fraps tho, they’re sm better. I was always a frap hoe until I discovered lattes. My old elementary school was close to a Starbucks so whenever frappy hour was happening, my friends and I would go almost every day LOL

I heard that dunkin coffee is really good. Oof there’s so many things that the us have that Canada doesn’t. But apparently you guys don’t have ketchup chips?? How can one live without them? You know that’s what soulmates are, we’re stuck together forever and I don’t mind that. I’d never leave you 😌😌

YES OMG LATTES ARE SO EXPENSIVE. I pay around the same amount and my wallet cries every time. If you ever yeet yourself off a bridge I’d come visit u in hell and bring u iced coffee 💖 we really are soulmates wtf I get almond milk in my lattes as well!! I used to get normal milk and was like “I’m a bad bitch milk can’t hurt me” but that didn’t really work out. Sigh what we do for coffee 😔

Washing dishes is disgusting. I hate doing them but yk someone’s gotta do it and that someone is me 😤 I’m acc lazy when it comes to smoothies, I usually ask my mom to make them LMAO. Pancakes are pretty much made of flour if you think about it so technically when u eat one plain ur eating cooked flour,, how barbaric. Waffles are Built. Like. They have a 20 pack 😪😪

I love angst personally so pls go ham but not too ham I’d like to keep my heart. Honestly at this point my last brain cell has given up on me. But yes I love angst and I love torturing myself with heart wrenching angst that leaves me crying into my pillow at 3am (I’m talking about this one haikyuu fic that I forgot the name of. I was literally dying inside jalsjwo)

Pls do send me peet’s I’ll send you an iced capp in a cooler so it’ll be somewhat melted and probably spilt everywhere 🤪 tumblrs probably gonna block me again, I’m looking at how much I’ve typed rn and it’s a lot lmaoo. Yes I managed to save myself. I redid the whole last with less detail bc I was not Having It but it turned out better?? How is ur drawing now?

I start after labour day in September. But starting in 3 weeks?????? On a Thursday?? I could never wtf. When do you end? I’m so confused with these ap and honours thing, like there’s none offered in my school nor majority of the school district. Are they just advanced classes or something? It is 7 classes a semester or the whole year?

Stan talent i think you meant yourself??? Jsjsksk I am not only ur coffee soulmate I’m not #1 fan as well and I support u bc ily 🥺🥺 the read more tag had me laughing for a hot minute. Like we really could make an essay out of all of our replies. I don’t have any pets (besides fish does that count?) unfortunately bc my moms allergic to fur 🥺 hbu?? (I can’t believe tumblr blocked me again they can fight me)

-

i didn’t even pay LOL i freeloaded off my cousin 🤧 i like to look @ scenery sometimes but like i can’t bc my head hurts LOL and the scenery is always the same for me, mountains and fields with cows. i try to take dramamine but it makes me so drowsy that i’m just basically dead,,, i live off of my cousins money so i’m okay 🤪

tbh i use nestle toll house pre made cookie dough, like that shit actually slaps. it’s the best it’s so good omg, perfect for lazy hoes 🤧 death here we go ! the order is ur bday, then skz debut date, and then christmas i don’t make the rules sorry sis 😤

pearls are Dangerous, i once drank a smoothie and there were pearls in it and i couldn’t see them bc there were like. only 3 and they were Buried under the smoothie but i choked and almost died but i chewed one of them and it’s like. so weird. HOLLERING AND YODELING IM- i once went to some public yodeling class and left in 2 seconds bc it was a bunch of white boys dressed like the kid from walmart 😪

it’s not even strength i’m actually rly weak,, i always think the doors are closed but they’re not and so i like slam them open and the walls are thin so it’s just. a sad hole. terrible wifi,, my school has pretty good wifi tbh but we have like three connections, one for the chrome books only, one for the teachers & staff, and one for students and guests. like it works rly good but everyone has a VPN bc of stupid social media restrictions 😤 & ilyt 🥺 u would probably win in a fight tho LOL

go ham is so interesting. the first time i heard it i thought it meant go pig and i was so confused but ig,,, i live lathered in sun screen whenever i go somewhere with the sun. ppl are like “i smell sun screen” and im just there like 🙃 it’s me u got a problem u burnt chicken nugget ??? i wish i tanned easily, i have a tan friend and when i showed her when my legs got tan she was so confused. i thought i was tan tho? bc during marching band season my sock tan becomes So Bad i’m basically white. she said she was blinded when she saw me pull my sock down and i laughed so hard LOL & i hate those dumb random tan lines like. where u @ bro? where u come from??

snow is fun for like a day and then i get tired LOL i csn only handle wet socks and a red nose for so long 😔 i tried skiing one time and i did so bad that the instructor had to hold me down and walk with me down the slope. i fell so many times i think he hated me 😳 i’m also rly bad at skating? i went w my friends once and i held both of their hands and still managed to bring both of them down when i fell. a cute guy once helped me when i was struggling to walk so 🥴 not my brightest moment tbh,, trying to walk in skates while on ice. do u enjoy skiing/skating? also gardening is. gross. worms and dirt and the sun i’m not here for it.

u: cappuccinos! me: ...ice bergs,,, now that i think about it fraps kinda suck,,, i used to think i was So Cool for drinking starbucks but now i’m like. wow. i used to think there was coffee in a frap but it’s just. sugar and ice LOL also speaking of tmrw is bogo fraps here,, idk if it’s all over the world but myb u should check it out 😪

dunkins okay it depends on what you get, i once got an iced latte and it was good but my dad got an iced coffee and he like. hated it so we had to switch and it was so bad like. it was coffee crime. it was horrible and not strong it was basically milk 😤 also,, ketchup chip? i just googled what that was and. that’s literally so weird. fun fact i hate ketchup and all other condiments i can only eat bbq sauce and i tolerate steak sauce

UR LITERALLY SO CUTE OKAY UR MINE NOW HHHH

i mentioned this in the other ask but. we going broke bitches club 😪 when u come visit me it’ll be old town road the one w mason ramsey on a loop. nothing will top the og remix but no, i’ll be stuck listening to some 5 year old rap for all of eternity

I USED TO BE SUCH A GOOD KID AND DRINK MILK EVERY MORNING ever since i got to middle school i preferred sleep over waffles and milk and i hardly drink milk but when i do. my stomach does not have it.

my mom made me wash dishes today and she just stared at me when i put ziploc bags on my hands bc we didn’t have gloves but i just painted my nails and i’m not abt to put myself thru chipped nails. not yet 😤 waffles are so good like i love waffles and lattes only 🤧

well i’ll go very ham (am i doing it right LOL) 😤 the angst ending is a lot better than the open ended or happy ones LOL i’m so excited for it 🥺 i’m rly tryna get it out before the end of this month bc the edit says july and it’ll make me Mad if i don’t get it out before the end of this month

i wanna start in september 🤧 and i usually end in the first week of june. also on a wednesday LOL it’s gross. stupid. ap means advanced placement so it’s just. a college level class. lowkey mad bc i’m taking ap euro (as a sophomore 😒) and other schools take it in their senior years? apparently this is normal? and honors are just faster paced classes with more weighting so,, idrk oops 😬 some people take 7 classes in a semester but i took it for the whole year! this year i’m dropping orchestra i’m Not for that spit in the carpet life

the only talent in this house goes by ada and jisung. i don’t make the rules. i’m ur #1 fan 🥺 as soon as u post anything i automatically smash that rb button LOL also put a read more here bc like. we’re really out here writing a whole ass essay. i’ll look @ all our convos bet it’ll be like. a lot. i don’t wanna say smth and be off so i’ll just not. i have a dog! he’s the cutest in the world and i love him sm 🥺 tumblr can fight me first like. what’s this ask limit bull hhhhh

[thespermicidaljellies]

Positive reflective life ramble on adversity, sickness, and the aftermath of 'crisis mode'

So, getting severely physically sick gradually over the past year and a half---because really my doctors and I have figured out its been a gradual thing that's been deteriorating for a while, I realized that even though I've had a LONG series of really awful stuff happen to me, every single thing internally changed part of me in an extraordinary way that's so so healthy and solidifying. It's all because of the amount of work and time I've put in from like age 17 till now in therapy, personally, and within my relationships, and even though I couldn't abate the physical effects or my own frankly severe clinical depression due to genetics, the way I've handled and allowed events in the past year or so to impact me was like the stress test proving that the work has had a permenant impact? It proved to me that as a person I'm healthy, I take things in a healthy way, I approach people in a healthy way, I conceptualize criticism and failing in the healthiest way I can with my rsd, and I set healthy goals and have healthy desires. BUT I haven't been able to actualize any of it because honestly, after everything I kind of just wanted to stagnate and have nothing new happen event wise so that I could just breath and have some stability because I've been totally exhausted and burnt out. I should have taken a semester or a year off of school, the worry and sudden ambivilance to school really hurt my health and my ability to just breath again, and the decision to just tread water and endure without any real changes in my daily routine definetely hurt my energy and health. Taking almost a year off from any kind of dating and sex, and shit even research was good for me. Like to an extreme extent, but I should have listened to my body saying "I'm too exhausted to even use this extra time to benefit myself" and just taken time off from school to work and move out temporarily etc.

But none of that matters now bc I got very very sick, and being bed ridden, isolated, and totally stripped of any sense of security or complacency has really changed my entire perspective on life and the finality of it and the responsibility I have to myself not just internally but externally in the form of action and challenge. My family lives a supremely unhealthy lifestyle and it's impacted me greatly. Our diets are terrible, even with the changes I've made in the past to mine by eating less fatty meat and no frozen foods, it's not enough, I haven't exercised enough or respected my body at all and doing so now will literally kill me down the line. The second I'm medically cleared I'm getting a personal trainer/physical therapist and getting in very good shape, I was an athletic kid and I've said I wanted to do this in the past but there's this weird thing inside of me where a certain threshold is reached where I know that something HAS to happen and it's absolutely going to and it's there, I dont have a doubt in my mind that it's going to happen.

Mentally I need to find a stable medication and therapy routine to treat my dysthymia because I'm unfortunate enough to have inherited my mom's near Electroconvulsive Therapy levels of long term depression, but im extremely lucky it doesn't really come in the form of sadness, just all the other physiological and psychological factors like poor motivation, anhedonia etc. Finding the right treatment now will pretty much give me a baseline to know what my normal is, because it's been a FAT minute since I've been at my baseline, and that'll give me the awareness I need (combined with CBT) to identify warning signs because emotional states aren't identifiers for me. Lastly on a personal level, I'm in fucking shambles rn in all other facets of my life but my health destroying itself stripped me down to only my internal world, and who I am as a person as the only things left. And I feel incredible, like I feel so fucking healthy and loving and assured in who I am and my worth, and all of it has been tested and tried and proven through terrible events, but the only way to remove doubt from my brain was through those events.

I think the past few weeks have been really dark, depressing, and sad for me because its been this weird grieving period of fear and sorrow about all the negative shit that's happened and the perceived loss of the life I've been leading but really, every time I'd think it would lead back to a conclusion of how I'd benefited out of it and the reality that I havent been living, I've been in crisis mode since July 2017, and the strip back down to the core that I'm enduring now is exactly what needed and maybe even what was supposed to happen.

After two days ago, the worst I felt in my entire life, I woke up and like all the fear of intimacy, being vulnerable, taking risks, and making concrete choices is just gone, because there is  literally no more back tracking and hedonistic fleeing from fears even possible. The few people that I've not cut out in my life and have stuck around have said consistently over the past few weeks how much I've helped them and have given so many examples of times where I helped support them at their worst times, from suicide attempts to breaking off engagements to sexual abuse and changing careers, and I honestly didn't realize that people ever thought I'd had that much of an impact in that and I never really believed that I had earned or deserved to receive help or loyalty from people, it's been incredibly meaningful and validating for my biggest difficulty, vulnerability and accepting help. I think once I start to get my shit in order it's time I open myself up to a serious relationship or dating again, but without a goal of actively trying to obtain it, it needs to be with someone who's in the same position I am, the uphill climb AFTER the first uphill climb from neglect and lack of self respect to having identified what the soul needs and wants and what you provide and want others around you to provide to your life as well. I know this all sounds horribly pretentious but I'm here man, like it's all in the past been heal heal heal, and now it's like: the buildings are all built, let's occupy and use them and invite others in to use them as well. Idk yeah, that's everything I guess, I posted this for a specific few people who I know read my tumblr to keep an eye on what's been going on in my life since I'm not active on twitter/Instagram anymore, but thanks to anyone who read anyways.

Officially done with Lyme disease treatment today btw 🤘🏻