#dont get me wrong i love my friends but there are things i need. like emotional support. and closeness. and preferably some hugs in there

[sadstrever]

ok i’m sorry i contemplated not posting this because it’s almost meanspo so just don’t read it if ur triggered. it’s also just bad advice, don’t starve yourself and don’t be an (vodka) alcoholic.please recover love you i guess

first off i wanna preface this by saying FUCK YOUUUUU. if ur a little fat baby piggy no friends bitch i don’t want ur advice or opinions on my alcohol consumption while i fast😭😋!!! i’ve lost like 40lbs since i’ve started being an alcoholic and it’s had absolutely no impact on my weight, cuz just to irritate for the 100th time on this account: I NEVER EAT HOE! anwyays sorry maybe i’m just too drunk but that really pissed me the fuck off. like GOD OKAY RUIN THAT FOR ME TOO. like ok i never get any calories in except for alc but sure fuck it yk, because YOU said that alc has calories(you don’t think i know that bro?) i’m just gonna suddenly stop being an alcoholic. and now i just feel like shit because i consume calories from alc and someone thinks thats a “judgey” thing to say to me. now i feel fat so thank you. like if i could stop drinking that easily i WOULD and if i could start eating without gaining weight every time i do I WOULD. ur so dumb. ugh. i hate myself i’m sorry i’m so mean i love you people and i hope ur healthy and happy. i just need to put my anger out on someone lol. BUT also genuinely liek you guys do piss me off tho cuz you think it’s some crazy impressive thing to not eat for a week or eat like a grape a day…like guys… it gets worse and you will see and you’re gonna hate ur life. if ur ed is at that point PLEASE RECOVER AND RECONSIDER IT GWTS SO MUCH WORSE UGH. AND NO ONES GONNA LISTEN BECAUSE I DIDNT EITHER. i want to save you guys so bad. like i hate that people still get to romanticize it without all the pain and suffering every single waking moment of the day. also i’m officially underweight so someone send me a 0 calorie cake in the mail😝🙏

anyways this is somehow too related and will sound so fake but i swear on my whole life and my mamas and my brothers and my papas this is a TRUE STORY!!! i saw an old friend today and the first thing they said was “oh my god you lost so much weight” “like ur arms, face, whole body damn” BASICALLY LIKE THAT OBVIOUSLY I DONT REMEMBER WORD FOR WORD. but bro i have never felt so fucking seen in my life. like finally someone besides my family or best friend noticed my weight loss damn. AND SHE ASKED IF SHE SHOULD BE WORRIED FUCKKKKK. like no you shouldn’t cuz i’m never gonna get better but like fuck thank you bro. no one comments on people’s weight anymore and it pisses me offfff like i know it’s rude but i needed that comment to make me wanna keep starving!

am i a piece of shit? like genuinely did the eating disorder make me a horrible evil miserable person? i have this thought that even if somehow i recover physically(i pray to god i never get fat[by my standards] again ) that i’ll never recover mentally. i’ll always have this fucked up judgement of right and wrong that revolves around the stupid idea of being thinner. does it even matter? no. no it doesn’t. but it’s my whole world. my whole world is how skinny i am and it’s so tiring. the highlight of my day was being called worryingly skinny by an old friend who doesn’t care if i live or die. the second highlight of my day was the fact that i got 28k steps and burning 800 calories at the gym and bought another bottle. i’m tired of being a bad person. im tired of being annoying and stupid and dumb. such a fuckup. i’m sorry if i’m a bad person and you had to read this and feel like shit because you had to sit through reading my awful terrible judgment and thoughts.

LAST POINT:

tomorrow i have to eat my first meal in months(for real this time) and i am so scared and upset. it’s like a piece of myself dies everytime i eat. without starvation i am nothing. i am a shell of a person and when i eat i just become a shell that feels fat. i’m gonna take laxatives obviously and do some workouts but it’s never enough. i’m gonna make sure the meal that i’m forced to eat is as low calorie as possible because i’ll be drinking alcohol too and APPARENTLY i should just kill myself because it’s a crime to still be an alcoholic when you’re starving yourself.

also alcohol most likely won’t make you gain weight unless it’s beer or seltzers and it especially won’t if ur always drinking on an empty stomach. vodka on an empty(for months) stomach plus working out excessively won’t make yoh gain weight. shut up shut up shut up shut THE FUCK up you bitches piss me off.

FUCK YOU.

[daily-hanamura]

[todayisafridaynight]

sometimes i get nishiki i really do

[professionaljester]

love my bad mental health, love being suicidal all the time

[puppyeared]

for like 3 weeks i was wondering why i was sleeping so much and felt listless. and just now I managed to email 3 people and responded to a month old message in the span of an hour because I got back to TAKING MY FUCKIN MEDS..........

[cowboy-robooty]

not going to name names bc thats messed up but omfg i was tryna find records of old heta fandom shit to show inu right and i found a hetalia iceberg and I SAW MY 2019 OPP ON THERE. IT WAS SO FUCKING FUNNY LIKE MY EYES BULGED OUT OF MY SKULL BECAUSE IM NOT EVEN JOKING I HATED THIS BITCH SO MUCH WHEN I WAS 14 AND NGL I STILL HATE HER. I DIDNT SAY NOTHING AND KEPT CURTIOUS AND NORMAL OBVIOUSLY BUT ON THE INSIDE I WANTED HER ASS DEAD EVERYDAY AND WELL... you all know im never in the loop with things and had no fucking clue that she was just the antichrist for an entire group of people lol. SHE WAS MY ANTICHRIST THO. I HATED HER AND SHE HATED ME OKAY AND IM LIKE RODF SEEING HOW SHES ON THE FUCKING HETALIA ICEBERG I WAS LIKE OMG.... I THOUGHT ONLY I FUCKING DESPISED HER

[bueris]

okay maybe I should seriously reconsider my path in life and sell my soul to marketing or journalism instead

[abstractlesbian]

Find someone slightly annoying but in really small harmless ways so I decide none of the behaviours are worth bringing up with them → realizing: hey, Im also annoying! solidarity! → realizing we have a lot in common and starting to bond → finding out other people find this person annoying and are vocal about it behind their back → finding out this person has ADHD like me that's (at least one reason) why we have all these traits in common → fear.

[dewgongs]

ughh why do i have to have njghtmares about them

[altruistic-meme]

yeag. i very badly need a local support system.

[girl-bateman]

Feeling a debilitating sense of dread and despair 🤨 Which probably means nothing😍👍

[ningningkittie]

im in love w him not only bc of who he is as a person nd how drawn i am to his personality, but also bc i feel like he's the only one who has ever wanted to see me. who i am, like deep down. he's the only one who i feel like i've ever connected with, in an easy nd genuine way. the only one who i feel has ever gotten me. he's the only one who's ever made me feel like we actually have a connection we're both in on, bc i havent had to pretend or put up a fake front for him bc he wanted the real image of me.

[lycanthian]

there is nothing more inhumanly frustrating to me than when someone tries to correct you on something and by all accounts theyre right except that in doing so they have wrongly assumed what you are trying to do

[3416]

What do you think the narrative(s) are for marns and matts?

fjldfdsklfjdks oh boy, here’s some more ranting about them, lol. i'm tired so truly... pardon me

well for auston… the media already has the whole thing laid out for him tbh. you can just search his name on youtube and find 4829439 videos or short docs interviewing him or his parents and talking about how he was raised in the desert of arizona… one of the most unlikely places to ever get into hockey. and he had a pretty unorthodox method of getting to the nhl. instead of playing at a college or junior league before he was drafted.. he went to switzerland to play professionally which is very uncommon for high level nhl prospects, and then he ended up being drafted by toronto and like. kind of immediately became the face and savior of the franchise a bit, from what i can tell. literally scored 4 goals in his nhl debut like.. that has never happened fslfjds. franchises have whole rebuilding efforts and auston is one of the people, if not THE person, at the center of torontos. and since then, he’s just been breaking toronto records and putting up insane numbers for a young player, on track with some of the best to ever play. for the 21-22 season, he won the hart, the ted lindsay, and the rocket awards which are all prestigious individual trophies in the nhl, and even though this year, his numbers aren’t tracking as high as the past couple, he’s clearly focused on putting up a fight for best defensive forward of the year bc he is ON IT. still arguably the most effective player out there a lot of nights even when he’s not the one scoring. many (goofy imo) people think that him going back to arizona to play for the coyotes is in the cards some day because like… it’s kind of a popular thing in the nhl to return to your “hometown” and play with the team you watched growing up but. there is also something to be said for how many of the greatest players have career-long stints on these teams they’ve dedicated themselves to and succeeded with. and auston is just a crucial part of the core of the leafs and the leadership in the room and him having an unconventional path and being half mexican and being unafraid to bring some personality and style into areas of the nhl where it’s been frowned on (like his magazine shoots, pushing the fashion on game days, his custom skates and sticks, his charity work, etc etc) is just superstar level stuff. people of his caliber get a huge say over their own futures in these sports, and i have a feeling he’ll be with toronto for a long time. he bELIEVES IN THIS VISION like i was explaining and has a super great relationship with kyle dubas and all his teammates.

and mitch marner is just…… toronto boy gets drafted 4th overall by his HOME TEAM… the team there’s footage of him saying was his favorite when he was just a little guy… in a pretty highly competitive draft year (like.. connor mcdavids year, lol) so it feels like fate that mitch ended up on the leafs of all teams. he’s magic out there, but was a bit underestimated because of his size, esp at first. when mitch was a rookie, he took lots of heat for all sorts of stuff AND it came out later that mike babcock used some pretty demeaning tactics to try to coax mitch into.. working harder? i guess?? but he got fired for that and everyone worthwhile sided with mitch, so lol. i’ve seen so many articles suggesting he be traded or that he wasn’t a worthwhile investment for the leafs from that time period, and i think it’s one of those things where… he didn’t especially totally fit the hockey player mold either (just in a different way than auston)? like he’s SO happy and outgoing and affectionate out there, super crafty with the puck.. crazy good playmaking… king of assisting… and everyone on the team loves him, and he’s not a physical player at all, but then the media or outside shit takes hold and next thing you know… he’s soft and undeserving and should be traded, lmao. he’s always had a harder time with the media and dealing with it, and also, one of the first ever vids i saw of him was this local news story that showed his dad absolutely yelling at him from behind the glass and going nuts about his hockey and his effort when he was liek.. 8, lol, and i think that tells you what you need to know about mitch and his daddy issues. his dad has inserted himself in some of the nhl stuff when it came time for his contract negotiations, and THAT was a whole big thing, and i just find that the toronto media has been super hard on mitch, especially considering how crucial HE is the core of this team. even just the beginning of this season when he had a stretch of off games (like the whole team had, lol), people were calling to blow up the franchise and trade him and how it’s over and they don’t have the drive, it’s like ???? then mitch goes on to set a franchise record point streak. he’s just clever and doesn’t rely solely on brute or goal-scoring to make his impact on the ice, and people are crazy. mitch is just a goofy, lighthearted guy who makes it his mission to keep the mood of the room and the team up even when it’s hard, and i feel like he’s such a key to their resilience and their seeming closeness as a team, and i love it. and all the sweet personality stuff is just an insane addition to his unreal hockey sense and iq on the ice.

and mitch and auston as a duo is just……………… when they were rookies, they became friends pretty quick. mitch even tells a story about chanting along with a crowd when auston got drafted to the leafs, and they have such a unique position as these two guys that have been faces of the franchise since they basically entered the team. i feel like… if the responsibility to Carry this team is on anyone, at least on it’s face, it’s on auston and mitch. like.. jt’s captain but hasn’t been there as long, and mo and willy are also crucial parts, but they came in at different points and aren't like... as impactful as mitch and auston imo. they're in such a unique position, alternate captains who understand the team and intense individual scrutiny and who have matured on this team together, even when they haven't been on the same line. in the early days, they didn't play on the same line at all, although according to reports..... they were "dying to play together." in their very first practice.. auston legit broke a pane of glass off mitch's pass like. if that wasn't a show of what kind of powerhouse stuff was going to come from them.... idk what wouldve been. i just think it's poetic that these wildly different ppl from different backgrounds ended up becoming these bff star players in one of the most historic hockey franchises. like they play their best hockey when they're together.. they've developed little rituals and traditions together (like drawing on their gloves to remind themselves hockeys supposed ot be fun, being the last ones on the ice during warmups just blindly passing and shooting, etc) and they've even like. gotten attached to the same ppl and infiltrated other ppls family lives like patrick marleau and jumbo and freddie.... even just earlier this year.. i forget which game and i forget which commentator but someone said "they are who they are because of each other" and i feel like that rlly sums it up.. their impact on each other's game has lead to record setting stats for both of them in different ways and i hope hope hope they end up being the lifelong leafs like i think they're capable of. it's amazing to look at some of the most longstanding and successful pairs and trios in the league and know that mitch and auston could be that and have that together some day. like they clearly enjoy hockey the most when they're playing it together too and i hope the very best for them. they rlly make hockey loook fun and joyful.

[nightingaleglow]

you know that feeling when you see someone as a friend and you so badly want them to see you as a friend to but you have no idea if they do or not cause it's constantly mixed signals yeah😔

[rearranging-deck-chairs]

i love the way the doctor loves