#this is a very weird time in my life
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hi tumblr, me again.
i don't think i like being aroace very much. there was a very short 6 months of my life when i did, and took pride in it, then after that i just accepted i had to co-exist with it. now i think i'm finally resenting it.
i'm not like any of my friends, even my only aroace friend who is someone i care about more than anyone else in the whole world... yet i still feel like i'm on a different planet to them because i'm sex-repulsed and they're not.
i'm constantly gonna be behind everyone in my life, this is a truth i've always known, but its as if it's only catching up to me now.
i'm now the weird one. i'm nineteen, i'm an adult... i'm now the weird one that i don't really drink, i've never kissed anyone, i'm not on dating apps, i never want to have sex... i'm no longer acting my age, i'm just acting like a child.
#pov i think im going through heartbreak?#this is a very weird time in my life#no one put on grow up by baby queen around me i will start sobbing#aromantic#asexual#aro#ace#aroace#asexuality#aromanticism#actually asexual#actually aromantic
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Birds of a Feather previous / next
#my art#feralnette au#birds of a feather#long tags#sorry I went apeshit in the tags#LETS SAY IT ALL TOGETHER NOW#I - M - A - G - OOOOOOOOO#its fun drawing marinette's back to Alya and having her appear stout and unstoppable and totally logical#and then you see her face and she's like two seconds from completely snapping and is keeping it together by a thread#as a note just because mari feels very certainly abt smth doesnt mean she's right. feelings can be valid and also irrational#in the throes of grief she decided it was better to be alone than to lose someone again so she started pulling away#and lila made pulling away very very very easy to do#shes also vaguely aware she's being unfair in pinning this on alya which is why she started spinning the drain on cockmoth again#legitimately all the shit that's happened to her wouldn't have been so catastrophic if he was never in the picture and she knows it#but the bitterness of her bestie choosing a fantastic liar over her at the worst of times stiiiiiings#alya's personal timing was bad but lila really took advantage of the fact that marinette had been acting off and weird#she basically clocked marinette as being unstable from SOMETHING and made up a lie about her#knowing she wouldn't have the strength to defend herself#between her social life going tachy bc of lila and losing fu in a way that felt like personhood death marinette was really put on the spot#and alya doing her thing of busting in there and assuming her bias is correct was a terrible combo#essentially marinette is highly unstable and alya is just realizing that#busting in and giving her a lecture when she's slightly hysterical and definitely delirious from exhaustion is NOT the way#to show her she's self sabotaging#cuz thats just gonna make her double down on self sabotaging. bc marinette will not accept that she is also a CHIIIIILD
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friend wanted to see my tumblr, and when i told him i can’t show it to him bc it’s basically my personal diary he went “oh so I can’t see it but a bunch of strangers on tumblr can??” he literally does not get me. no one will get me like the people in my phone get me
#It’s just so different#even though it’s public it still feels secret and safe. i feel comfy sharing a lot more on here than I do in my actual day to day life lol#in my head I’m also just speaking to myself 90% of the time which helps#if a friend off tumblr saw my thoughts I’d feel so weird ab it#esp bc they might get the vagueposting about certain situations and tell mutual friends#no thank u. this is for me. I’m not about to start censoring my thoughts bc someone I know knows my tumblr#u guys literally saw me have LIVE BREAKDOWNS#meanwhile I’ll have the worst fucking day in history and tell no one about it. I’m already cripplingly private but way more so in real life#this is basically a low stress journaling outlet for me. it’s so important for me to maintain the separation#like this is actually my diary & has been so handy for letting out emotions / articulating thoughts / staying on track !!#& I’ve met so many kind people on here who actually get me. which is so hard to find irl bc I’m surrounded by pre-med gunners/overachievers#who are by standard not very good w emotion & can be competitive/judgmental. or at least it’s hard for me to be vulnerable in front of them#and I’m part of that crowd so I reserve my emotions only to a handful of very close friends#it’s nice to hop on here and express negative emotions!! or positive emotions!! just whatever I want and it’s low stress and people get me#I don’t have to worry about judgment or competitiveness etc etc#like everyone on here is so kind & nice & understanding. & just a breath of fresh air from the types I run w. it’s just nice to have this#so idk that’s why I think I’ll always be strict about keeping the worlds separate. it just works#p
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wyll's #1 sexual fantasy: being loved for who he is and assured that hes enough, even without his blade of frontiers persona
wyll's #2 sexual fantasy: being choked out by a minotaur
#bg3#wyll ravengard#jsyk this is vibes-based and not canon. but also... not UNcanon#it is not canon-contradictory because we shrimply do not have any direct info on this#but also. it is not canon because we have no info on this#just specifying because i almost always post things that are 100% canon and i dont want anyone to assume this is one of those times#with that out of the way#i cant imagine the 7 years of loneliness + stress + adrenaline combo hasnt done anything weird to him#if you took 17yo me and made it so 90% of my skin-to-skin interactions were in life-or-death high octane encounters with monsters#my own blood mingling with the arterial red sprayed across my face and hands. the rush of victory a mixer in a cocktail of pain#i would be much weirder! in a very different way! i would be a tier 1 weirdo and not even know it!
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they're out for the evening!!! Simon isn't great with parties but Magus is helping him find his footing!
please don't repost! if you want to, please ask first.
#MAGUS'S OUTFIT TOOK ME FOREVER BUT I'M VERY HAPPY WITH IT!!!!#right amount of Weird and Wizardful and Fashionable I think.#I LOVE HOW CANONICALLY MAGUS PRIDES THEMSELF ON BEING STYLISH AND KNOWING A LOT ABOUT FASHION#they DEFINITELY chose simon's outfit for the night#magus's outfit is COMPLETELY made up off the top of my head#I mean. so is simon's but I went NUTS with magus's outfit#if you look closely I used different golds!!#magus is wearing all warm golds and simon's golds are a lot cooler#life giving magus#simon petrikov#adventure time#atimers#adventure time fanart#fionna and cake#simon adventure time#wizards adventure time#lgm adventure time#magus adventure time#life giving magi#ancient sleeping magi of life giving#(simon's clothes aren't springing to life because magus enchanted them to be immune to their magic. or something)#let that wizard grab his midriff!!!!! cmon!
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It is truly wild how much that, like, having a Following on any social media makes you this weird poppet onto which people project their weirdest hangups. Does the thing have anything to do with who you really are? Nope! But it sure says a lot about that person, the things they project onto you.
Like, my friend, this is a parasocial relationship you have with that person. It's just a negative one. Your obsession does nothing to them, and it's bad for you.
#strangely this isn't about me!#though there are people on here who are DEEPLY weirdly obsessed with me in very unhealthy ways#and no i won't say who it's about bc then ppl will go running right into the car crash of a post i saw#and it'll be 'vaspider sent their legions of highly trained Zionist posters to assassinate my cat and turtle with internet Krav Maga'#or whatever the current fashionable made-up bullshit about me is#but yeah like maybe just block people and move on with your life#stop spending all your time picking at scabs#i blocked literally everyone on that weird little post#took me less than a minute#and now i never need to think about them again
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when your main characters start dating after years of writing so they finally get to be like this
#rare WIP preview from me#this is in like. 10 episodes. lmfao#its been really hard working this far ahead#my editor isnt giving me any feedback and my friends are very busy so it's felt quite lonely#which is fine! for my friends I mean. but its my editors job to give me feedback...#but the webtoon editors are extremely extremely extremely overworked and my series is set to end so I understand its low priority#its not her fault its webtoons fault. however. its still demotivating...#oh well l m a o#I should be much further ahead ngl LMFAO I want like 12 done but I come back in 2 weeks.#we'll see#when I get really stressed out I go full gamer mode#and usually I'll sink like 60 hours (like 5 days) into a game and then I'm good and move on#but this recent game that grabbed me is. its too much actually#bit uncontrollable ngl I think its an ADHD thing I mostly have just quit playing videogames at all#cause its like yeah being stressed cause theres too much work to do is not going to be helped by losing a week and a half to a game...#and yet.#anyways the game is satisfactory#my friend bought it for me and we've been playing together#and our shared file has. 100 hours on it. and we still havent beaten the game#we're close to beating it and it's not like we're rushing or anything#cause its fun to fuck around and zap eachother or whatever#but it's got me doing math. the exact kind of math I love to do. optimization#and its reminding me yeah in another life id have been an engineer#I'm glad I'm an artist but its always weird like yeah this is easily a path I could have gone down#'artists hate math' speak for yourself doing math calms me down! I love math!#I love math and I love business. I'm almost the perfect artist but I hate advertising so. we can't have it all#anyways theyre so fucking cute its sickening. I love them so much. I could cry#WIP#lineart#time and time again
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A doodle of a couple misc hcs I have about Gman's anatomy
#half life#gman#g-man#body horror#eye contact tw#shmorps art#My mindset with this hc was “what if you like. somehow cut him and there's just no blood”#“how freaky would that be”#Also I like the idea that Gman makes his eyes all glowy to fuck with people sometimes#Kinda like an intimidation tactic#Other times it's just a subconsious thing that happens sometimes when he's stressed out#I don't think he stresses out very often though. He doesn't feel like the type to be scared by much of anything#I just wanted to draw his goofy eyes again#I also hc that even if a limb is removed from him he can still move it#And also reattach it if necessary#so thats fun#How does he function without blood you may ask? Who knows. It's not meant to make sense#Eldritch horrors for the win#I dunno. he's neat#edit to elaborate cause I have thoughts: this is purely for his human disguise#In reality he's something else mimicking human anatomy through and through#Like. even the weird muscles are just fabrications. his entire human appearance is false#As for what he truly looks like. it's unknown and incomprehensible
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they would get divorced in one universe just to find eachother in another one
alternatively titled: sometimes you're the level-headed token flesh-head impulse-control-and-polycule-member of a stubborn, eccentric, and hearty telephone-headed drug addict, and there's cruelty in the world you deem fit to suicidally fight, and that either goes about as well as you'd expect it to, or you learn about love and the value of your life and junk along the way
#scribbles#milton r wallace#callum crown#phonegingi#sgt norm allen#norm allen#dialtown#dialtown a phone dating sim#..uh idk if callum and milt have a ship name orz#normgingi#milton norm parallels save me. Save me milton norm parallels#very specific but its why i prefer to look at the callum-milt-marla situation as like tragic polyamory#as opposed to a cheating one#it adds to the callum-gingi parallels. theyv both got polycule situations C:#though i suppose you could call a cheating situation a dark parallel to gingi's polycule the same way you could call#milton's entire deal a dark parallel to their relationship with norm/the narrator#However i just like tragic polyamory. my visions of milton and marla ALSO being in love yet having the mutual#realization that they hate callum more than they love eachother (esp milton) is highly specific yet also everything to me#misery loves company and all that jazz. a THIRD combination of people having divorce shit going on#this guys ruining my life IM GONNA FUCK HIS WIFE! (They are already in a consensual polyamorous relationship milton is just making it weird#Sorry these tags were going to be like meaningful discussion about this art and then i was enabled to talk about THIS AGAIN#OH YEAH this art in particular i discovered halftones and also started actually using blending brushes#milts face isnt drawn. obviously. but im imagining a kind of 'oh you!' exasperated fondness#as opposed to norm who's just a cranky little tsundere. jokes on milt though HIS relationship is HEALTHIER#also i will never pass up the chance to draw gingi and callum together#theyr both characters i adore drawing gingi's round shapes and different textures and callums cute little bolts#but also they do look soooo similar and yet so different its always really fun to do#and theyr just. my favs lol. my top 3 favs go gingi-mingus-callum hehe#Ok thats all. thank you for coming to my rambles#fig said i should post my art at better times and so i am and that means when i post my art im AWAKE ENOUGH TO RAMBLE ABOUT IT LOL
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Tetris Fanart.
I've been playing tetris while listening to horror podcasts. and yeah
#text#art#eyestrain#cw eystrain#bright colors#cw bright colors#tetris#nintendo#god i dont know what to tag this with. i dont wanna tag it with the podcasts themselves cuz that feels disingenuous. swagever#i actually started this piece a while ago. ok yeah looking at the date that was almost 3 weeks ago wow#but i finally decided to bring it back and finish it#ive been getting back into digital art and its been really nice. its nice having finished pieces.#ive been trying to get weirder with my art. like this piece was weirdly 'personal' in a sense#its been my unique experience listening to these pieces of media. the game in the bg is jsut as important to my experience as the art itsel#the looming sense of dread these podcasts give fit weirdly well with the high tension of some of these games of tetris#i wanted to have that sorta weird ominous vibe to it. have even the pieces feel loud and threatening.#and the gameplay being Past the ds itself is something i thought could be neat#ykno the tetris effect? where you play a bunch and then after you see the shapes everywhere;you play it in your mind?#that was part of what i wanted to channel there. but also like; how your attention works with this stuff#i might be looking straight at the ds but my attention is elsewhere; my brain is in another world#the game is still inescapable tho. tetris effect whatever. these stories stick in my brain just as much.#its all given me some. very very annoyingn anxiety. but i have to go back to them. like a moth to a flame etc. hince the moth climbing out#but uh yeah. that set up was my life for a few weeks whenever i had free time.#the main podcast this is about was magnus btw <- not typing full name so im not on the tag#and uh.#objectum#yeah i think. i think yeah.
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He was about to kill you, Lex. Or divulge something you didn't want me to know.
— SMALLVILLE, "Forever" (4.21)
+ bonus from "Arctic" (7.20):
#smallville#smallvilleedit#svedit#lex luthor#jason teague#lionel luthor#clark isn't in these scenes but they're still very much#clex#sv 4x21#sv 7x20#dcmultiverse#my gifs#'why can't you see what's right in front of your face lex?' god. god. godddd.#I think there's a really interesting discussion to be had (with many potential viewpoints)#re: to what extent lex actually knew the truth either consciously or subconsciously at any particular time#and how much he was just in denial about it (and why)#I'm not really prepared to have that discussion in these tags but like#let's face it - lex figured out that clark had powers all the way back in 1x12#just because clark convinced him he was wrong at the time doesn't mean he just forgot that whole thing#and yet it seemed like the more seasons went on and the more obvious the truth became#especially the fact that clark was so heavily tied to all the alien weirdness of smallville#the more lex seemed to (subconsciously?) push back against accepting or recognizing that truth#I mean that's literally what he's doing in the 4x21 scene with jason#so it's like he both desperately wanted to know clark's secret but also didn't want to know at all#and that's just SO interesting#I mean jesus the 7x20 scene is supposed to be peak evil lex and yet he STILL has to be pushed into accepting the truth#and he does so with his eyes glistening because yeah he wanted to know clark's secret once upon a time but he never wanted THIS#(remember when lex told jonathan in s1 that he just wanted clark to have a happy normal life bc clark was such a good person?#and then he's told in 7x20 that to save the world he has to KILL clark and take that life away from him hahaha [crying] it's fine I'm FINE)#wow I really said 'I'm not prepared to have this discussion' and then just. proceeded to have it anyway huh. lmao oops
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Half questioning my memory of the post s4 era, half side eying a certain character, so correct me if I’m wrong, but I don’t think there was ever a time when the Buddie fandom fully took the single “Evan” from the season 4 finale as Eddie receiving “Evan” privileges from then on. From my recollection, fics stayed mostly consistent with their uses of “Evan” by Eddie, perhaps just with an emphasis on important moments (love confessions, Christopher’s adoption papers, wedding vows, NDEs, etc.) after the finale. And I had to stop myself from wondering why that is because I know why. We all know. Because nobody wanted to use “Evan” in fics when Buck had just told his parents that people who know him call him Buck. So Buddie fandom heard that, accepted it, and uses it only sparingly. In canon and fanon, even Maddie only rarely uses “Evan” anymore, and it feels even less common for her to use post-Buck Begins (if at all, actually). So the fact that Tommy and BT fans tend to use “Evan” (at least, this has been my experience) is so utterly jarring. Buck told everyone his preference, and I believe LFJ has spoken about being told to use only “Evan” when referring to Buck, so I simply do not understand anyone who believes that BT is in love already or endgame. Yes, it could go the “Buck gave Tommy ‘Evan’ privileges off-screen” route, but then why push it off-screen? It would be a major allowance made for a new love interest, and a significant step in Buck’s character arc. Yet we see nothing of the sort. So why would anyone believe that’s what happened? The last we heard, Buck had told his parents and everyone else to call him Buck exclusively, with the minimal exception of Maddie (who was, for most of his childhood, his one and only lifeline and confidant). That sort of history and characterization is not ignored if there is not something very wrong with the writers’ room. It was not even ignored by a significant portion of the fandom post-season 4, although Eddie gaining permanent “Evan” privileges would’ve been a strong indicator of a Buddie endgame (had an on-screen explanation of Eddie gaining this privilege been released). It was not ignored, and it did not change the nature of Buck in fic nor fanon. So why in hell is the same not holding true for a brand new relationship like BT?
#buddie#apologies for the rant#it just annoys me#that for 3 years this facet of Buck’s was understood and accepted by basically the entire fandom#but enter T and suddenly people are using ‘Evan’ like Buck didn’t literally walk through fire every single day of his life to keep from#being known as his parents’ ‘Evan’ again#this was literally not a problem before this past season and now everry time I see ‘Evan’ used in fics I cringe#soemtimes even when it’s Maddie or Eddie using it in a canon/character-aligned way#it’s the very definition of YOU DO NOT KNOW THIS CHARACTER to my brain#anti tommy kinard#anti tevan#anti bucktommy#anti bummy#anti bt#evan buckley#eddie diaz#and like#who cares if T is using it in canon???#he’s literally known Buck for all of 5 months at MOST#this is not a case of endgame ship getting privileges regarding each other that others don’t#this is a case of T and BT stand not understanding Buck as a character or person#even watching the whole show does not absolve someone of this weirdness because why is anyone following the lead of Tree 6 on anything Buck#maddie buckley han#maddie han#maddie buckley#btw if you’re a BT who somehow stumbled on this post despite like 4 anti tags that are easily filtered - just walk away#I am but an annoyed buddie fan who thinks that watching this show for deeper stories#is better than latching on to the newest white boy of the month#911#911 abc
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I know this is just a silly bad quality random screencap of a screencap that I found on facebook lol, BUT it's a succinct enough image to easily describe the concept in a quick/accessible way hopefully :
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(and of course, feel free to elaborate in tags, etc.! (especially elaborating about other senses as well.. can you "hear" in your mind just as well as you can "see"? taste? etc.) It's an interesting topic to me, as someone who's like a 4.5 at MOST lol. I'm curious what option will be the most common :0c )
#tumblr polls#hrmm... a little poll perhaps.. about a subject I find interesting.. since this image came across my facebook today#still really not feeling that well. no longer shaking violently and such but I still feel weird and weak much more than usual#They did say my markers for like infection or inflammation were elevated but that they werent sure of the cause so hopefully#it's nothing too serious. they did also say a lot of different things can cause that thing to be higher than normal but didn't go into spec#fics of what. maybe some of them are relatively benign or something. I still havent felt much back to normal since#I got really sick that one time though. I feel fine on and off but then little bouts of feeling weird and sick happen. hrmmm#ANYWAY.. looking for small ways to be productive. such as little doodles on evil ipad or editing game videos#or posting polls or cat pictures or some other like not very labor intensive things#I WISH I COULD FOCUS on writing HHRGGhh... I need to finish my game.. it would be so freeing.. a project that's been looming#over my head for like 5 years even though througouht that 5yrs I've probably spent a total of 3 months working on it lo.. ANYWAY#I still partially really cannot beleive that people CAN see stuff in their heads. There's always part of me that's thinking like. well mayb#e everyone DOES see the same exact thing but we just describe/conceptualize it so differently that we think we're talking about#different things when we're really not. But I have been assured by people I've talked to about it that they can GENUINELY really see#stuff in their heads like as vivid as an actual picture in real life or something. And the other senses are neat too. Like for exmaple I#can hear in my head much better than I can see imagery. I still CANNOT hear vividly like as if I were listening to actual music out loud..#but I think it's developed more than my sight. AND interesting how this varies the creative process. a friend I was talking to on the phone#said they write by literally just watching stuff play before them like a movie. where my process is COMPLETELY different. AND that affects#the content/what details we focus on as well as our individual styles of writing have differences that can be traced back to that.. hrmm
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[asmr boyfriend voice] woof woof bark bark
#hermitaday#rendog#rendog fanart#hermitblr#hermitcraft fanart#ren#my art#did i ever tell you guys me getting mcyt at all was because i watched lizzies last life pov late at night while i was sick#and ren just. stole my heart#i knew nothing about him or hermitcraft at a time i was just like this guy is so fucking weird. i need to know more#and when i searched him up the first thing i got was the inappropriate compilation#really good first impression. never recovered from it#so yeah my mental state currently is rendogs fault#anyway ive always kinda had trouble drawing him. had to pull up alot of references for this one but i think this is the happiest ive been#-with his design.#idk what it is. i think it's partially because rens got a very model like face irl and im intimidated. guy could be selling watches.#the beard + glasses combo also messes with me i think#he always looks so accursed before i slap the facial hair on him#uhhh i don't think i have any other thoughts to say. good boy good boy goodboy good boy good boy#i might make a postmortem on hadm later on rn im tired. would be fun i think. id get to finish my scrapbook
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AU where everything is exactly the same but the sand sibs have a punk band together. Now accepting band name suggestions. My partner said Tanuki! (TNK!)
#sabaku no gaara#gaara#temari#kankuro#baki is there to#sand siblings#temari no sabaku#kankuro no sabaku#band au#autumns disaster art#yes I started yassifying gaara a lil sue me he's my blorbo of the year#I actually have way too much to say about this lol#they all sing but gaara fronts most of the time cuz he cant play an instrument to save his life#but he does fun vocals and lyrics so it's cool#kankuro is the producer he makes sense out of gaaras weird abstract poetry type lyrics and makes it a banger#temari is very enthusiastic but doesn't have a lot of patience#if you want to know how they sound literally just think of destroy boys but a few octaves lower#maybe even the distillers#why can't I draw kankuro btw I lob him but I can't put him on the paper 😭#fanart#fan art
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man literally what even is romantic attraction . is it just you see someone and you're like I want to kiss and hold hands w them . is that all it is ???? I'm pretty sure it's not but like . genuinely what is it . because I have no idea man .
#is it like . all the friends feelings of i want to have this person in my life and spend time with them .#but plus kissing ???#because im almost certain there's more different emotions in it than that but i havent the foggiest idea of what they might be#man .#its very weird being aro and genuinely not understanding even a little bit what romantic attraction actually is#and being in fandom and enjoying ships but . not . getting it#like its so hard for me to write fics bcs i have no idea how the characters feel#and its especially hard when i hc the characters as aceallo#bcs with completely allo characters i can be like ok they like the person and they think theyre hot and want to have sex#but what if they don't want to have sex#what the fuck man idk#anyways#just curious#idk if ill get any sort of real answer but I'm throwing this out into the void#aromantic#arospec#aspec#aro
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