#this ep honestly was the most heartbreaking for me yet

[attackoneyebrows]

i'm scared of ending up alone.

[bronx-bomber87]

Happy Wednesday my lovely readers :) We’ve reached the episode that rocked me to my very core. Honestly haven’t been this attached to a ship in a very very long time. Years passed without this level of attachment. Bringing out sides of me I didn't think existed. Like doing reviews. But our ship is something special even when they rip our hearts out. I blame Eric and Melissa LOL They are INCREDIBLE in this episode. The both of them. Brought their A game and then some.

This ep legit affected my mood for 3 weeks no joke and utterly destroyed me. I needed extra days to decompress before did my mini. The fandom was so lovely about that too. Love this fandom so much. I still don't know how I got that out tbh lol Also God Bless my bestie D for going through that with me. I got to watch it early that day which normally didn’t get to. Was usually after work. I remember D wanted to stop me but didn’t cause she couldn’t tell me why..

I had to go to a company meeting after and pretend I wasn’t devastated. Be a positive fun leader when inside I was dying. I did a good job my team had no idea lol But damn that was tough. Never been happier for a 3 week break than after this one. We all needed it. Let us begin. And thank you all again for going through this heartbreak with me. Gif count was rough for me so I fit in everything I could and made a ton.

6x06 Secrets and Lies

We start out with Lucy looking as stressed and anxious as we’ve ever seen her. Laying in bed but most definitely is not resting. The brutal toll this situation has taken becoming visible. When Tamara asks how stressed she is from 1-10? Lucy answering 19….Ooof....Could not be more relatable if she tried. When I get this laser focused I too am a nineteen. Her person has been radio silent for days. Her last contact with him was a massive knock out drag out fight.

This is the most time they’ve spent apart since they got together. Like I stated last review other than 6x01 they've scarcely been away from one another. Her UC mission in 5x21 yes but doesn’t really count. They talked every single day. So it’s truly the longest they’ve been apart. No wonder she is at a 19. Poor Lucy. Kills me. Such a wreck without him. Tamara asks if Tim is still ghosting her? Lucy tries to defend their situation. Not well but she sure tries lol

Lucy is barely keeping it together and it shows. I love that we get a shot of her pin-up board from that BTS video. The cupcake poster hehe Hopefully that makes a triumphant return in s7. Tamara doesn’t want to add to her stress... But let's her know she wants to move out. With friends from school. Worst timing ever. It makes sense but the timing is horrendous. Lucy takes so many hits this season. It’s almost worse the second time around somehow.

This time Lucy goes to an actual adult about Tim. Not useless Nolan who was painfully inept for her. Couldn’t fit it in but we see her touch her tattoo when she approaches Angela. *heart clutch* I love Melissa for doing it every time though. So subtle yet impactful. Nice little mini gut punch to start the scene. This was the right call though. If anyone knows Tim like her it’s Angela. Lucy asking if she should alert Grey? Honestly she should've but here we are. That would've been a whole other set of problems though...

Lucy feels like she’s going insane so Angela validating her helps. (at first) You know she finds this behavior of his incredibly alarming. We can see the immediate worry painted across her face. That’s her brother. She loves that man like he’s one. What sucks is that, even though Angela is empathetic, she doesn’t fulfill the needs that Lucy is going for. Which is reassurance and 'Hey let’s do this together.' A united front. Hoping since he is acting off Angela's reply would be 'Let's find out why as a team.' She is protecting her but Lucy is in a heightened emotional state and doesn't see that. Only see's being shut out further from Tim.

Angela plays her cards very close to her chest. Like a good detective would. Sadly Lucy wanted more solace than just ‘Trust him.’ That’s all she’s been doing for days. Poor woman is going out of her damn mind with worry. Even tells Angela as such. The reply she gets back not what she wanted… She wanted her detective gut and friendship. Unfortunately she just gets the former. That short lived validation she got earlier dying off quickly. Lucy is so damn upset when she takes off from the convo. Knowing if she sticks around she’s going to cry on shift. My damn heart. Melissa be killing me. Holy hell.

Angela scaring the crap out of Tim is hilarious. Serves him right tbh. This episode had me so upset and twisted, I couldn’t even enjoy scruffy Tim in a leather jacket. You know something is wrong when I can’t gawk over this man. Angela has zero trouble finding him. Because well it’s her. This is why Lucy enlisted her. She needed the best to help her. Such best friend behavior from the minute she enters his car.

Drinking his soda, calling him out, and asking WTF is going on? I adore her brazen bravery. This is why we love Angela Lopez. Willing to get herself fired for him. That she can take the hit not Lucy. I mean she’s not wrong….Angela could easily live off Wes. She would hate it but she could. It's a more viable option. Says it can be ‘Wine o’clock for her.’ LOL I always enjoy them. More of them in s7 please writers.

Tim doesn’t argue with her reasoning. Starts to explain the whole Ray debacle. Why he can’t just let him go. What he has on him. That he needs to catch him in a new crime. So he has reason to actually arrest him. Once Tim fully explains Angela just replies. ‘I’m in.’ Tim is shocked because of course he is ha Even though she is his best friend he can't believe has his back like this. Oh my broken boy. He double checks and asks if she’s sure? Her reply being the absolute best. ‘Yeah. I got your back boo.’ Hehe Lucky she’s your best friend my love.

We rejoin our bestie duo at the docks. Scoping out Ray on whatever back door deals he’s doing. She is studying Tim hard in this scene. It’s the best. Angela tries to impart some logic to Tim. Saying he’s followed Ray for two days and nothing. Asking how long he’s going to do this? Tim replying the most Tim Bradford reply. ‘As long as it takes.’ Angela is on her game today and doesn’t let him get away with it. Saying he’s just going to walk away from his job? From his relationship with Lucy? All to arrest a guy he hasn’t thought about in over a decade?

Something isn’t adding up for her and she is letting him know it. Angela gives her patented look. Knowing it’s something more. There’s a reason she’s such a good detective. Woman knows how to get to the root of things. Tim has only given her surface info at this point. Definitely not enough to justify this crusade he’s currently on. Let’s him know Lucy would understand why he lied on the report. She would even commend him for it really. We know she would. She love his soft heart so much. Tim agrees and says she would still get in trouble for knowing and not reporting him to IA.

A risk she would gladly take if you’d let her Timothy… It’s here Angela digs a little deeper. He gets a second stare. Tim finding it aggravating and telling her as such. Angela let's her next truth bomb drop. Saying he’s doing it to protect himself as much as her. That there’s something he’s not admitting. Mic drop. Nailed it and Tim knows it but won’t entertain it further. Has him dead to rights and he knows it. We then get the glorious BFF line. Like it or not she is. lmao Has your number just like your girl.

We return to Angela’s for Tim to break our hearts some more. Theme of this episode. One punch after another. Literally no time to breathe unless you check out during the other SL's. Which I did tbh.... They’re alone so she probes Tim further. Knowing that it has to be so much more than a report. He wouldn't let Ray get under his skin like this if it was that shallow. That he's bearing the weight of something on his soul. Tim gives in and begrudgingly explains what happened. That he had been squad leader most of his tour. That he was looking to move up to Sergeant First Class. Only caveat was he couldn’t have any rampant criminality in his unit.

Ray was in the way of this. Tim decided to keep it within the squad if they caught him themselves. He did an unsanctioned mission… Oh Timothy….He explains how Ray called in an air strike on them. Did this the minute he knew he was trapped. Schmuck would rather take them with him. Such a cowards move. The way Tim describes the air strike. Ugh my heart. His eyes filling up as he depicts how the world imploded around them. Eric is a master of emotion here. So expressive. Looks like he is right back there, with the most haunted look on his face. He thought he was going to die. Being so vulnerable I wanna hug him.

He and Mark were lucky though. The Humvee took the hit for them. But Henderson and Coyle were ripped apart….Ugh and now we see what he’s been bearing. That he led his men to their deaths. Their loyalty and faith in him had cost them their lives. All because Tim was in pursuit of a promotion. For personal glory. Explains why he wouldn't praise himself or take awards pre-Lucy. Or advance his career before her either. He didn’t feel he deserved anything good. Because the last time that was important to him, he got two of his men killed. Imma go cry now.... My poor broken boy. The PTSD is so real.

Eric continues to rip my heart out. Telling Angela there was so much blood. I can't imagine seeing that. They for sure thought Ray was KIA. No way he survived. It’s the way he catches his breath, tears in his eyes in this next part. I'm so upset for him. The way he points at himself when he says leadership. The failure and shame he feels for what he did. When we found out it would be his military background I was excited. I knew it would be dark though. Whatever this was. But my god. I wasn’t expecting it to be this. But makes perfect sense why he’s kept it from Lucy. He can’t bring himself to forgive what he did. How could he expect Lucy to? To still look at him like he’s the same man she fell in love with?

The deep rooted shame is evident in this scene. This is quite the weight to keep on your soul. One I’m sure he’s never told anyone. Not even Isabel about I bet. My guess is he buried it once he was state side. Like most do with trauma. Hoping it would never resurface. Sadly not how trauma goes... The way he tells the story it’s for the first time. You can tell. He’s right back there re-living it all. This scene gives us so much insight to Tim as a person. Why he is the way he is as a cop. As a person. It explains why he lost his damn mind in 2x01 over Lucy falsifying the report. Probably brought him right back there.

This is a very revealing scene. It makes sense why he shoulders things alone. It’s punishment for what he did. Doesn’t think anyone could love him enough to shoulder it with him. That breaks my damn heart. This ep makes me so emotional. *sad sigh* Nothing scarier than the person you love seeing you at your worst. With his background of abuse, it makes sense why he’s hidden this from Lucy. He doesn’t feel worthy of the comfort she would bring him. Only shame that he made a mistake. Tim is very self loathing and this is why. Coupled with his childhood it makes so much sense why he is the way he is…This one is emotionally heavy af. All his unchecked trauma barreling through like a bullet train in this ep.

Lucy arrives home and Tamara is there to take care of her. Saying she ordered pizza. I love this. She needed this. Lucy leaves the room to drop off her stuff. We hear a knock at the door and it’s Ray.... Earlier he scanned Tim’s vehicle and got Lucy’s address. Which made me sick to my stomach. I knew him grabbing it was going to end this way. Best way to get to Tim is through his heart. When Tamara opened the door and it was him..The hairs at the back of my neck stood up. Tamara calls out for Lucy. She emerges and goes into protect mode right away. Eyes on Tamara first but also hating her gun is locked up.

Heart was in my damn throat the entire time. Lucy handles herself like the bad ass we’ve all come to know and love. Commend her for keeping herself composed when she was terrified. I also adore her not putting up with any of his scare tactic BS. Her line about the only call she’s gonna make is for the ambulance. Like hot damn Lucy. Way to protect Tamara and yourself. It's true she could take his scrawny ass easily. I long to be the confident BAMF she is.

Doesn't hurt she’s still got the rage burning from being in the dark. So not only is her life being threatened now Tamara's is. This is Lucy's FINAL straw. It’s now bled over in the worst way. Not only that but she still has no idea what’s going on. We can see that mama bear come out loud and proud. It’s one thing for her to be involved it’s a whole other thing with Tamara dragged in. This is what pushes her to reach out To Tim. To cut his crap. Whatever this is has now endangered an innocent life. One she loves fiercely and will die to protect.

Lucy RAGE calls Tim and unleashes hell. As she should… Demanding to know where his ass is. Tim knowing he can’t hold her back any longer. So he lets her know. I mean Lucy is million percent done with this crap now. With his behavior, him cutting her out, all of it. So very very done. Rightfully so. I do love him answering ‘Hey, what’s wrong?’ Knowing she wouldn’t be calling unless something was. He for sure would’ve dropped it all to go to her.

But she was way too pissed to see that fact. She shows up like a bat out of hell. Biting his head off immediately saying 'Does she look ok?' No….she does not. Forever love Angela escorting Tamara out of the room. Mom and dad about to have it out so let's go. The concern all over his face kills me though. This was the last thing he wanted to happen. The very thing he was striving for by shutting her out backfired horribly. Not only did he endanger her but Tamara too.

It was Lucy’s final straw and she is showing it. These were the types of fights that are needed though. As much as this hurts she is fighting him to save them. Because he is worth the bother and effort. Just like he stated in 5x08. Asking why her and Chris never fight?They’re fighting against each other to protect one another it kills me. Also you know your ship has chemistry when even their fights are lightning in a bottle goodness. Just as amazing as their happy stuff. I can't speak enough to their fantastic on-screen chemistry. Even though this fight is fiery and hurts to watch it's hurts so good to watch them hash it out.

Tim explains who Ray is and Lucy don’t give a single fuck. It’s not who he is that has her raging. It’s him cutting her out that is. I love the movements Melissa does in this scene. I know she had an interview about her being mad. Thinking she was awkward. It wasn't at all. Was so real. I think she nailed it. Her body language is on point. How she stamps her foot. Shouting how who Ray is doesn’t explain why he iced her out. At all. She is VIBRATING with anger. Yelling at Tim to stop protecting her. Which he won't. That is like asking him to stop breathing tbh. He would rather die than not protect her. Ugh his reply of ‘ I can’t. I won’t.’ They’re at odds with the deepest part of their souls. Of who they are.

Tim will never stop protecting her. Just as she will never stop trying to help him. Been in her DNA from the jump. For him to not let her is just as painful as Tim not protecting her. *sigh* This is where their intense need to protect each other backfires so badly. Sounds romantic and sometimes it is. But in these type of moments, it shows the cracks in their already fractured communication. It real though. Communicating is HARD. Especially when you both come from abusive homes where that wasn't taught. If you aren't taught healthy communication you're just not going to do it. Simple as that. It's like a muscle that never gets used. Then when it does it feels so unnatural and painful.

These two are going to be the death of me. Hell they already have been. They have so much to work on in s7. It’s insane. I'm excited for it though. Lucy then brings up how Lopez was read in but not her. She is HIS PERSON. If anyone should be read in it’s her. Consequences be damned. Yeah Angela does have less to lose but that is NOT the point. Tim is clearly not getting that fact. I adore Lucy grabbing his hands during the end of the scene. Mirroring back she 'Can’t and won’t' not help him. Telling him she is over being to good girlfriend. He’s going to let her in NOW. Oooh lord. You Tell 'em Luce.

Their OP to foil Ray goes off without a hitch. Tim tells him it’s over. That there isn’t an air stroke to save him this time. Ray tells Tim ‘I am the air strike. I’m about to blow up your whole life.’ *grumble* It’s so true on many many levels. Watching Tim be so stoic in his IA investigation kills me. Wish could've fit this in. Eric be out here again making me emotional af two eps in a row. You can see the tears in his eyes but the rest of him is controlled. That military background of his coming in clutch.

it pains me to watch him lie and have it destroy him. I remember I saw people saying how could he lie? That’s not like him. Um no. This is very like Tim. Not to lie but to protect those he loves. If lying protects Lucy and Lopez that’s what he’s going to do. He has a history of being a little gray for those he loves. Isabel is a good example of that. All that went down with Detective Murphy was similar to this. ‘Some things matter more.’ Once again rings true with him. Tim is believed over Ray. Because even if Tim doesn’t want to believe this he is the better man.

Better reputation and Percy closes the investigation. Have missed him. But whoever he’s around it’s not good. Love the actor though. What happens after is rough to say the least. Never seen Grey as disappointed in Tim as he is here. Reprimanding him and having to report him to Pine SUCKS. R.I.P. Metro Tim. I loved you so…It’s killing Tim to have Grey look at him this way. Deeply respects him and to be scolded by him cuts him. Just dismisses Tim without further comment or fight….

God almighty the song playing in the background. I don’t even remember it. I only watched this scene once. I think I blacked out a lot in this moment. The immense shock rocked my system. Suffice to say it’s beautiful. The piano, the haunting oohs and lyrics are the perfect backdrop to this devastating scene. I felt this building anxiety watching this scene. Waiting for the hammer to drop. When she pulled him into her arms *phew* It was first breath I had taken in nearly two episodes. These eps had me on the razor's edge of sanity. I love her waiting outside for him and instantly pulling him into her arms. Just like Tim did for her in 5x22. I'm fine.....Imma cry as I write this. Horse heaven playing in my ears right now. Adding to my emotional state. These two getting me all weepy.

I’ll be honest I thought if a break up was coming, it was coming from Lucy the first time. Which is why this devastated me like it did. Having the full season in hand now. Makes total sense it’s Tim. At the time I thought would be her. But that wouldn’t be like Lucy at all. After everything he put her through. The secrets, the lies and shutting her out. She had every damn right. But she loves this man unconditionally. So unconditionally. Everything Lucy does in this scene is a reflection of that unconditional love. There to pick up his broken pieces despite all of that went down. Look at her in those gifs above.

Especially that second one. First time she took a breath too. So grateful to be here for him in this moment. I truly thought ‘Oh. Maybe we’re ok... She’s hugging him.’ Encasing him in her arms. Trying to absorb all of his hurt. Supporting him the way he sought out days previous. Gently cradling him against her. It's the tender way she nestled her fingers at the back of his head that gets me. Tapping into some ship crack for me there. *phew* Honestly thought with her being there for him they would make it out unscathed. I truly did. The chemistry from this hug is unreal btw. Tim doesn’t feel worthy in the least. The way he slumps against her. Doesn’t really hug her back like normal. Can't see Lucy is so willing to absorb his hurt and pain. To love him through this. This hug is beautifully tragic.

Lucy releases him and he looks as broken as I’ve ever seen him. 4x09 x 1000 tbh. He shirks away from her. Hands in his pocket. So disgusted and ashamed with himself. Something l've learned in Pilates is posture and the importance of it. When you stand tall and at full height. You are confident and sure of yourself. When you are slumped it presents a lack of confidence, shame, and feeling unworthy. His posture is screaming that. Like he feels he shouldn’t even be in her presence right now. He crushes me with how he says he lied about everything.

Then sarcastically almost sardonically follows it up with ‘But hey it saved my job….’ The amount of disdain in his voice is gut wrenching. The whole reason he was in this Ray mess was to further himself. To keep his career intact. He saw a promotion and went for it at all costs. What he just did lying to IA was to be that same man again. (In his mind) To put his career first over what’s right. Risked people's lives again as well. People he loves. Sickens him ten years later he’s doing the same thing all over again. Even though it's so different this time. There is still nobility in it with saving Lucy and Lopez. But this man can't see that right now. Doesn't see any good in this situation or himself.

Lucy does her best to sympathize. Telling him it was an impossible situation. If it had been her she would’ve done the same thing. Thing is if it had been for Tim yes she would’ve without question. But he can’t see the forest for the trees atm. He is drowning absolutely drowning in his self-loathing. Tim continues on with the painful self flogging. Telling her she would’ve never been in his position. Putting her on a pedestal while he makes himself very very small. That OTP line from 6x03 from him 'You could never disappoint me.' That is true. The problem is he doesn't realize he could never disappoint her either. Tragically Tim doesn't view it that way. Only sees he's not worthy.

Lucy once again tries to pick up his pieces. Telling him he thought he could handle it. He was wrong but made it right. It’s like she can sense him pulling away in this moment. Doing her best to calm his fears about himself. Trying to do what she’s always done in years past best. Build him up. Soothe him. Sadly she isn’t gaining an inch of ground with him. He is stuck in how he feels and there is no budging him. Tim is morose saying he wishes it was that easy….We can see the incredible amount hurt on his face. Telling her he just lied to two men he deeply respects. He is coming undone rapidly and Lucy can see it. I adore her putting her hands on him. Trying to right his ship.

Ground him to her in this moment. Because once again it's something she’s done so well in the past. Tim is spiraling so hard he can’t see her gesture for what it is. Tells her he just betrayed everything he thought was right about himself. *heart clutch* Lucy can’t stand him talking down about himself. Tries to interrupt but Tim won’t allow it. Lucy graciously nods and lets him get it out. Especially when he tells her how hard this is for him. She is so wonderfully understanding it makes my heart ache. Tim feels like he is a bad guy. Thought he had gotten past this and was sucked back in so easily. Truly believed he had become a better person since then. (He has) Ray was right he was gonna blow up his entire life.

He just exposed Tim for the fraud he already felt he was. Bringing his greatest sin to light. Bringing up feelings of not being deserving. Of inadequacy. His abuse background pulling into the station and not leaving. Tim is back to a place of massive self loathing. Saying he has been lying to himself for years. Thinking he’s gotten better when he hasn’t. To him he reverted back to the man he thought he left behind. Not only that he put his person. The woman he loves at risk to cover up his past. To cover up his shame. It’s hitting him like a freight train of terrible realization. Continuing on to say he can’t go back to the way it was. I was hopeful when he said ‘Right now.’ Then followed it up with maybe never….

Lucy had been nodding along. Being so wonderfully empathetic and understanding. She was with him till he said that. Then she is hit with her own terrible realization. He’s leaving her. She is losing him. In the same parking lot where he told her to take a risk. Where she expressed her concern over losing him if they did. Worried about losing the most important relationship in her life due that risk. The same spot where he told her 'Unless it is.' A giant stab to our collective shipper hearts.

It's why Lucy is in a state of utter shock. As we all were tbh. She shakily asks him if he’s breaking up with her? When he said I’m sorry. I remember having to pause. Freak out and cry. I recall chanting ‘No no no….’ To myself repeatedly. My dog was very alarmed. Because I was distraught af. I couldn't believe this was really happening. My happy place was being decimated before my eyes.

Look at the range of emotions on Tim's face before he delivers that line though. Eric you why you doing this to me? They blow this scene out the damn water. it's so visceral. and raw. He looks like he's about to have a breakdown before he delivers that line. Battling with himself about it. There's a desperate need to want to stay with her. But his self doubt and hatred wins out knowing he isn't deserving. Do I think he came out thinking he was going to do this? A little. I think the more he spoke about it and himself the decision was made. He wasn't going to be be talked off this ledge.

The way Lucy replies after this rips my heart out. This break up feels like death by a thousand paper cuts. Months later and this hurts just as much as the first time. Lucy doesn't hold back in the least. Telling Tim he doesn't get to do that. Her line about using it as an excuse is so spot on. This Ray situation has hit VERY close to home for Tim. An insanely sensitive subject for him. It's rubbed against a wound that never really healed properly. Just was buried in the back of his mind.

He doesn’t have the capacity or emotional maturity to handle it. So he ejects out as a coping mechanism. Lucy calls his ass right away for it. It’s so painful to her that he is doing this excuse. Because it feels like a crappy cheat to them. To her. It's truly a cop out and our girl deserves better than this. Especially after all they’ve been through together. All that rapport and trust they’ve built over the years. It’s an insult to who they are as a couple and the relationship they’ve developed. Sadly that all vanishes in this moment. It’s stunning Lucy and straight murdering my feels.

Her ‘That's not okay.’ is a dagger to my shipper heart. The way she continues to repeat herself cause she's in shock. Ugh.This goes down as one of the most painful breakups I've had to go through. Lucy is so upset he is going this route. Melissa had a great interview (quite a few actually.) About the lie line and using it as an excuse for Tim. She noted Lucy is upset cause how he’s acting isn’t them. That they get to have these conversations. Not only have them but recover and grow from them. It’s what she expecting from him in this moment. It's what she expected from his 5x08 Mantra going into this relationship.

She is telling him I’ve got your back. I’ve got you. What are you doing? What happened to ‘Unless it is?’ Lucy continues to vehemently disagree with him. As she should. The worst part is Tim says ‘I know.’ Like he knows what he’s doing is wrong. Knows to eject after everything isn’t ok. Yet he can’t stop himself. He is not emotionally mature enough to handle this conversation properly. Also too blinded by his own self-hatred to see the unconditional love she is showing for him in this moment. God this is painful.

Tim then comes in with the breakup line of ‘You’re an incredible person.' Lucy can’t believe this shit . She really can’t. That Tim is is doing this to her. To them. Even though Tim is being genuine with his statement. You can hear it in his voice. Doesn't do anything to soothe the wounds he's causing. Once again Melissa crushing it with the upset body language. The mannerisms are so on point. Maybe it's because I'm Italian and I use my hands when I'm upset. I do exactly what she's doing. Why I appreciate it so much. It's so real.

It's a cop out what he is doing. 'It’s not you it’s me' schtick. We see the anger building in Lucy. She can't even look at him in the second gif. For him to toss away what they have is painful enough. To do it based off a cliched excuse is destroying Lucy. Thinking what they had was worth so much more than this. Thought they worth the nasty fights. No way she knows fully what happened or she would figure out why he's really doing this. That’s what makes the rest of Lucy's replies so god damn tragic. She is trying to hold onto him for dear life. But is only being pushed away in return...

Tim continues to push forward with this breakup. Letting her know she deserves better than him. It's SO much deeper than that but it's the only way he can convey it right now. Her ‘Oh my god…’ This is her worst nightmare. Her biggest fear come to life. This is why she hesitated starting this relationship. Why she was so afraid of risking her most important relationship. It's unfolding before her eyes and she can’t stop it.

Like a bad dream she can't seem to wake up from. We all wish we could...Tim has never felt worthy of Lucy’s love, light or praise. This reaction just proves that. It's been building for a long time and this is the final result of it. It’s not logical but a trauma brain rarely is. The amount of emotional and physical abuses he endured growing up left it's mark. Has him truly convinced Lucy could never love him knowing what he did. Tim feels he does not deserve her comfort, support or love.

Punishing himself and denying what he need most because he feels unworthy. Thinks he has made a mistake so grave there is no coming back for him. No way she could love him if she knew. So he like Angela stated earlier Tim is protecting himself. Pains me to watch. Now as I've said before it's not to excuse but to explain his side of it. I understand why he's doing it even if it's fucked up.

He doesn't give Lucy much more than she deserves better. Tells her it's why he's walking away. This man feels so undeserving of the love she has to give. In his mind he thinks he’s doing her a kindness. To separate herself from such a shameful and broken man. That she could do better than him. To Tim he made the biggest sin and can’t live with himself about it. He can't envision a world where Lucy would love him through it. The tragedy is she already was in this scene.

Lucy isn’t hearing any of it. Full on panic spiral that I shared in this moment. Her ‘Don’t do this. Why are you doing this?’ Is the most soul crushing part. She can feel him slipping through her hands. Like sand rushing through her fingertips. She can’t hold onto a grain of him. Can only stand there as he gives up on them. His face in the third gif...Knife to my soul. *screams into a pillow* It's killing him to walk away from her. Eric and his expressive eyes has me bawling. The quiver in his bottom lip as well. Gah it hurts to watch them both in so much pain. It’s the way she pulls away with one hand, but is clutching his other hand for dear life, that really gets me in that last gif.

Asking him once again why are you doing this? I shared that sentiment in this moment.. Tim stands firm in his decision to end them and rip all of our hearts out. Eric had a great quote about how Tim handed this whole thing. ‘He is impulsive and he reacts instead of thinking things through. And it can come out as a bit too strong.’ He feels he is a burden Lucy therefore he is removing himself. Not thinking about the damage it’s going to do to her. The immense regret he’s going to feel when he regulates a bit more.

Something therapy has taught me is we are ruled by our nervous system. Anxiety, stress, fear etc Tim’s was haywire in this moment. All of them going off at once. Not thinking clearly. Acting out of fight or flight. He took the flight option unfortunately. The tragic way he grabs her head and gives her the saddest head kiss. Shattering all of our hearts in the process. It’s the devastated look on his face when he strokes her hair and takes off. One final gut punch from him. It's like he’s leaving behind his greatest treasure and can’t bear to be around it any longer. Lucy is clutching to him until he departs. *snifffle*

The man actually thinks she is better off without him. Truly believes that. Even if Lucy had succeeded it keeping Tim, this would've reared it’s ugly head again down the road. This breakup ruined my friggin life. I kid you not. They were my happy place. My consistent happy place. And now that was gone. It affected my mental health a little too not gonna lie. I think I was in mourning for three weeks. Honestly I still am. Low key will be till they're fixed. Those three weeks were unbearable. But also needed. Thank you again to my bestie D for being my mourning partner through out that. Kept me sane.

That being said I think this will push them in the best direction. A healthier and stronger one. I truly believe that. I recently broke up with a friend who I had been friends with for ten years. It was very hard on me but time. Boundaries were being pushed and it wasn't healthy anymore. My therapist pointed me to a wonderful book called ‘Goodbyes and good boundaries. ’ While It helped heal my heart it also has really good pieces in it. Stuff made me think of this very ep tbh. Sure that wasn't her goal LOL But my brain is always in a Chenford state of mind in some way or another.

First one that made me think of them. ‘Health cannot bond to unhealth.’ As much as it wasn’t fair for Lucy. And god it wasn’t after everything else this season. Tim was in such a radioactive state staying with her wouldn’t have worked anyway. He was radiating turmoil. Lucy can do a lot for him but not this. He NEEDED therapy so much. There are things you learn in there that only your therapist can help you with. He was unhealth and Lucy was trying to keep her empathetic healthy self to him. It was never going to work. Not unless Tim put in some work. Which he couldn't at this point in time.

“Relationship often die not because of conversations never had but rather conversations needed but never had.” Another good one made me think of them. Tim was not ready in the least for the adult conversation required of him in this moment. Or their entire relationship really. They both danced around the issues a lot. 6x02 closest we got. Even then it was one sided. Thus them dying in this moment. Despite Lucy’s damndest to keep them afloat. Remind him of what they’re fighting for. Of why they started this. This breakup was painful af. Despite how this wrecked my world it’s going to be good for them in the long run.

I will say Lucy in that last gif was all of us in that moment. It was a soul crushing moment that decimated this fandom. Still blows my mind Melissa and Eric were surprised just how insanely devastated we were. Why they did those lovely posts during the three weeks. To thank us and to hold on. Growth is coming. They’re going to be even better after this. Doesn’t mean this didn’t hurt like a SOB and won’t long after they reunite. Curse you Eric and Melissa. You are incredible to evoke such emotions out of us all.

Thank you for going through this with me again. It wasn’t easy but they always worth it. Appreciate any and all comments, likes or reblogs I get. I shall see you all in 6x07 :)

Side notes non chenford

Balian doing the creepy bed thing again. Just have to note that.

Also can’t believe they didn’t end the ep with their breakup. There is a whole minute or so of I don’t give a shit after that scene. I was so distraught they could’ve had Nolan walk into a wall and I wouldn't have noticed.

[cosmic-light-fics]

I honestly can't get over Carmen Anthony Berzatto getting relationship advice from Neil Fak of all people in "Bolognese".

Neil, the one almost everyone refers to as a child. Neil, the one almost everyone doesn't take seriously. That Neil.

So why have a deep conversation with an unserious person?

Well.... because the conversation isn't seriously about Claire.

It's about Sydney.

The Crane Wife 3 by The Decemberists plays in the background as Carmy suddenly asks Neil "Is Claire my girlfriend?" He could have asked Sydney that question. You know, the person who prompted him to think of Claire as a girlfriend instead of a friend that's a girl. But all he was concerned about in that moment was being a shitty person (to whom he doesn't specify. It's purposely left open-ended).

The song playing draws on the Japanese folk tale of the crane wife. A blogger who analyzes The Decemberists' album The Crane Wife had this to say about The Crane Wife 3.

We begin here with the end of the tale of the crane wife, told from the point of view of the now-estranged husband who deeply regrets driving her away. If you’re like me and you know nothing of the story going into the album, all that you’re likely to pick up on is the fact that a man drove his lover away due to some sort of mistrust or disagreement between them, and you’d probably take the lines referring to her shed feathers and her choice to take flight as metaphors for a scorned woman walking out on the man she once loved, not realizing it’s all actually quite literal, as she was a crane who had taken human form. The source of the betrayal won’t become clear until much later in the album.

Up until this point in the season, Carmy and Claire haven't really faced any dips in their relationship due to Carmy's inability to define their connection. The person who is affected the most is Sydney. Claire hasn't felt betrayal from Carmy. Sydney has: from him standing her up for their palate cleanser, to him not updating her on the structural changes to The Bear, and his most egregious betrayal being the construction of the chaos menu without her. Making the chaos menu without her and gaining input from Claire.

Carmy betrayed Sydney. And I think what compounds this fact is that he decides to confirm who Claire is to him to everyone else except Sydney. Sydney is the one who asks for confirmation, the one who confronts him to decide and yet!!! Carmy never confirms their status to the one person who was concerned enough to point it out.

Who suffers from Carmy's relationship the most? Sydney. She loses his time, his focus, his dedication to their creation. But the biggest thing she loses is their connection (up until Carmy finally decides to give her his full focus in ep. 9).

Nothing confirms all of this more than Sydney's Three of Swords tattoo. A song of betrayal playing in the background as Carmy decides if Claire is his girlfriend, a couple's montage between Claire and Carmy undercut with shots of Sydney, and the reveal of a tattoo that symbolizes betrayal and heartbreak.

[ageless-aislynn]

Aislynn's Jumble of Random Thinky Thoughts on Halo s2 ep4 "Reach"

SPOILERS, but of course

Cpt Admiral Keyes went out like a total badass. I really do hate to lose him but I'm glad he got a better send-off than he did in the game (Halo: Combat Evolved). Seeing him with a pipe was an awesome little callback to the game, IMO. (Though smoking is bad; don't smoke, kids! 👎😬😉)

The fact that The Powers That Be took Silver Team's Mjolnir with them as they ran like cowards evacuated but abandoned actual Silver Team is the most realistic bureaucratic part of the episode. 🙄

I suspected Louis wasn't going to survive but him losing Danilo and then choosing to make that stand immediately after was both heartbreaking but bittersweet: he couldn't live without his beloved and his sacrifice gave John and Riz a chance to escape but also ensured that he didn't have to live long without his beloved. 💔

My Halo vehicle fangirling was cranked up to 117% 😇 here, with me pausing the show to yell, "WRAITH, IT'S A WRAITH! I love hijacking those things!!!" and then "SCORPION! A SCORPION TANK! Aw, man, I do BUSINESS when I have a Scorpion!" *wistful, lovestruck sigh* 💖 Please imagine my dad's 🤔⁉️ face during all of that, lol! 😇

John, my beloved, and Scorpion tank, my beloved... 😍🤷‍♀️😇😉

I was legit upset that Kai was gone the entire ep, not just 'cause I wanted to see her, of course, but because it seems an awful lot like she abandoned her team and that just doesn't seem like her at all. I know last ep she was very torn and upset about John and not really believing what he was saying, but also not wanting to narc him out, either. When she finds out what happened to Vannak, I think she'll blame herself for not being there and, honestly? I think she should. (Same as she should feel bad about not believing John, evidence to the contrary.) Not saying she could've prevented any of the bad stuff, of course, but she wasn't there when Silver Team desperately needed her and if they don't have her feel guilt over that, then that's really going to be OOC for her, IMO. 😔

And then of course, the "two" of the "one-two punch" from this ep... Vannak, nooooooooo! I was completely not expecting to lose him here but I really should have, considering we're straight up doing a version of Reach's game storyline and, as we all know, Noble Team didn't make it out of the game alive (other than Jun).

And yet still... Vannak! Not when he's just learned to love animal documentaries and feeding the birds! The big guy had so much more living to do!!! 😭😭😭 I'm going to really miss him and I'm going to completely ignore his death in any fanfic I ever again write, I'm just saying. 🤷‍♀️😉

Are we feeling like Soren will be getting a place on Silver Team, at least temporarily?

Okay, so I was a little surprised but in a good way over how hard everything about Keyes hit Halsey. She was genuinely kinda tongue-tied at seeing him, then her absolutely screaming at his death and her sobbing... I wasn't expecting that sort of reaction. She really did love him and I wouldn't have thought that before this episode.

I feel vaguely like John's ex just kidnapped his current girlfriend, lol. Also, I keep staring at Makee, thinking, "Is her hair a different blonde? Is she dying her eyebrows or something?" more than anything else so I really need to get over that, lol! Annnnnd I could kinda ship her with her Arbiter but nobody should be surprised at that 'cause I can ship a character with a mop that has a wig and googly eyes on it if the chemistry feels right to me...

I could also see not-Thel!Arbiter as being a suuuuper jealous boyfriend trying to prove he's better than Makee's ex... *shipper glasses, I has 'em at all times!* 😜😉

Since Makee didn't let her Arbiter (whose name is escaping me at the moment) go ahead and kill John, one wonders if it was because she does still have feelings for him or if she just needs him for some later nefarious purpose. And why does she need Cortana? I'm still wondering if we're going to get some sort of "evil" Cortana ala Halo 5 since her new look reminds me a lot more of her Halo 5 look.

This is a still, not GIF, from Halo s2 Cortana's new look, so you don't wonder why it's not moving. 😉

Halo 5 "evil" Cortana.

And you can see s1 Cortana in the GIF right above all of this.

Annnnd my favorite version of Cortana...

Halo 4 Cortana, whom I imprinted on as my very first Cortana, so this is her definitive look to me, what can I say? 🤷‍♀️😉

And bringing things back to the episode once more, I also had a game fangirling moment when John yelled, "Frag out!" as he lobbed the grenade. My dad soon learned that the marines tend to yell that as they're lobbing frag grenades in the various games, too! 😎

Ooo, and almost forgot John's absolute panic eyes when Keyes called him forward during his inspirational speech, lol. Poor Chief, d'aww! But that was a really great moment to show people that Master Chief isn't a robot, he's a flesh and blood person, and I think that was used to great effect in this moment. 💖

In summary, this episode had me

💖

[smilingperformer]

Me: "Yaaaay it's Horizons anniversary soon!!"

Others: "It's been a year since Satoshi's journey ended"

I... I didn't even think about that |D

Guess I was that ready to just let him leave the story.

Considering that none of the original series staff stayed in the writing team, they were too.

Since it's soon been a year and we're reaching the end of act 2, I can confidently say this is like, my favourite Pokémon series. Alongside Sun & Moon. And both are favs for wholely different reasons, as in, love Sun & Moon for tackling mature topics and for having wonderful humor, alongside good world building and nice focus on family theme. While Horizons I love the story focus shift from normal, cast that is super enjoyable and a take on a found family type of group, new original villains that I've come to like a lot, etc etc.

I love how different both shows are. I love how both dare to try new things out in different way. Liko is one of THE most relatable characters to me, and I love the whole entire cast to bits. I even adore the Explorers, esp. Sango is slowly making a hole in my heart that wants me to call myself a fan of hers. Yes. She's been that enjoyable to me. Even Amethio's grown on me immensely, I like how his character works, and excited to see his role this upcoming ep.

At the start Roy felt a tad bit too alike to Satoshi, and at times I can see that similar type of "forget about a skill and then do the skill" writing from Satoshi era is thrown on him, but he's still mostly his own character. But that is probably why I'm more drawn to the likes of Liko, Dot, Friede, Amethio and Sango, because their fighting styles are so refreshing for me. I even like how Onyx and Sango pairing works, with Onyx fitting Sango's oni-speaking pattern (srsly wtf that must have been intended and now I want to know if dub has ANYTHING to match this speaking pattern with.)

There's been clear growth, clear character progression, much much slower team progress than whatever the fuck JN did (not jabbing at anyone who likes JN but I won't deny that I really hate how fucking fast most Pokémon evolved there. It seems Horizons knows not to rush things).

Act 1 suffered from pacing issue where stuff happens in one episode and then the next ep sort of shrugs it off and continues the plot in a really weird tone-shift, but I don't think act 2 had that, which I liked. But act 2 also had more fill-ins compared to the action-packed act 1. But imo, it was good to have a more slower, calming pace for a while. It helped build on the characters more, and show how the Rising Volt Tacklers exactly live like. Which makes the Brave Asagi breaking in recent episode ever so more heartbreaking aaaaaaaaah-

I'm also kinda glad I was wrong on the "only a one year long series", because so far I'm quite attached to the cast and definitely wouldn't have felt happy to see them go yet. So knowing that Horizons seems to follow the usual 3 year pace (maybe 2, maybe 4, who knows) makes me happy. And I totally look forward to act 3 that is definitely caused by the Brave Asagi needing long, long time for repairs.

So um yeh. This was a weird ramble lol. But like, love Horizons, don't exactly miss old show as I felt it told whatever it wanted to and had the danger of just, butchering characters further from what I enjoyed it for. Sometimes it's better to let go. Fanfics and fanarts will still exists for a long long time, I'm sure. But my enjoyment on Horizons has definitely caused me to not miss the old days at all. And I'm glad.

(Do I want Satoshi to return? Honestly? No. 26 years is long enough for me.)

[liljafish]

just finished episode 8.

so-- here's the review

my heart truly truly aches. this was such a sickening case. the producers executed it beautifully

everyone put their all into their performances. the incredible, raw portrayal that each actor/actress devoted to their role was honestly one of the show's best qualities. riley keough, not to mention that she lost her brother in real life, had one of her best performances in her career (in my opinion). lily gladstone as well, and together, they shine. seriously, they have such insane chemistry together it's unbelievable. everyone had such breathtaking acting; they embodied their roles in an immaculate way.

and the kids- the kids, where do i start? these kids acted their asses off. for portraying such unsettling roles, they perfectly achieved it. warren's guilt, jo's harshness, etc. and let me talk about kelly. she had the most disturbing, cruel performance. how when she talks, she sounds so evil, doesn't take anything as serious as they are, looking to appear innocent (specific to her trial). and the screaming in the trial... dear lord she is doing her best

the tragic storyline. i haven't read the book yet, but it's clear that rebecca presumably did a great job capturing the story. her, as well as the writers, put so much into it. how it shows multiple perspectives, backstories, as well as cam's story. the bar scene in ep. 8 was incredibly heartbreaking and i was shocked

in closing. my heart aches the most for the virks. this was a terrifying, horrible case to view- and i can't imagine being involved in it.

but really. under the bridge was immaculate. i'll miss utb wednesdays dearly. but it's guaranteed i'm going to rewatch on and on

[hils79]

Hils Watches Only Friends - Ep 12

Well I'm glad someone hasn't forgotten

That is not how rehab for alcohol addiction works. "It's okay if you have a little tipple but only if you're at home."

Oh please you were hitting on Mew literally 5 minutes ago

DUDE! Honestly, if I was Sand I would bail on both of them right the fuck now.

Look, normally I am in favour of a love triangle being solved with an OT3 but Boeing is the absolute worst and Sand deserves better.

GOOD!

This is a weird thing to add to the final episode of a drama. Things should be wrapping up not adding angst for the sake of it

Oh here we go. Mew about to tell them what Boeing did to him and Top. Chaos vengeance is back on the menu where is my popcorn

Hehe. It's funny because this is a drama

I mean he might not have sexually assaulted her brother but he still deserved to be slapped

I can't believe he just called rollerblading a vintage sport. Fuck, I'm old. I remember when rollerblades were a fancy new invention and everyone switched from skates to blades

YAY! The three of them teaming up to take down Boeing. I hope this is the last we will see of him

Oh no! I thought we were done with this. Well, I suppose he needs to fuck with Boston and Nick's admittedly cute 'let's be boyfriends until I love to the US' relationship

I mean they are basically the same person so sure. FFS Boston you couldn't keep it in your pants for a few weeks?

Honestly I think Nick's story is the most heartbreaking in this entire drama

Boston's like 'what all I did was stick my tongue in another man's mouth'

Sand speaks the truth

Wow okay I was not expecting them to make me cry yet here we are. Stupid emotions making me feel things.

I'm not sure a friendship group with this much fucked up history should be drunkenly playing truth or dare on New Year's Eve

Honestly you have to give props to Neo for playing such an unrepentant asshole so well. Look at him he's a puppy when he's not bastarding.

He is such a good boyfriend

Mew still a stone cold badass I see. Love it.

Nick is absolutely making the right decision but I'm still sad for reasons I don't even really understand. I think it's mostly Neo's puppy face

Uh...I was not expecting Top's hotel to catch fire 5 mins from the end wtf

I shouldn't laugh but they just evacuated an entire hotel and apparently these are the only people who were in the building

Oh, shit, I really shouldn't be laughing. I totally forgot Top has trauma from being involved in a fire when he was a kid

AHHHHHHHHHHHH! IT'S MIX! This just made my heart so happy!

You know what? I actually loved this drama! Everyone is a hot mess disaster gay but it was fun even when it was frustrating. I had a great time

And this is good timing because I'm going out of town tomorrow for my sister's wedding. I'll start a new drama when I get back in a few days

[ellie-the-oracle]

The Bad Batch - Season 3, so far

Spoilers Ahead!

Hey you guys, I'm back! So before I hop into any discussion, just a quick debrief on what's going on for me in regards to tbb: I've been trying to control my excitement and hope for this final season, as I don't want to set myself up for anymore emotional damage (it'll happen anyways). That's not to say I'm not excited or hopeful, but I'm just very nervous and still healing from the heartbreak of you-know-what.

Onto this season so far. A very strong start with the first three episodes (haven't watch ep 4 yet). They wasted no time getting right into it and I'm honestly surprised that Cross and Omega escaped as fast as they did. I'm glad they didn't waste too much time on their escape. I will say though, things are feeling sadder than ever, with so many characters out of the picture. Echo is with Rex, Tech is...well I'm not too sure, to be completely honest (more on this in a min), and Cid backstabbed the gang. All I can say is that I anticipate more sadness but I'm cautiously optimistic for a mostly happy/good ending.

okay, now onto the elephant in the room. my previous theory post of Tech being alive and having a Winter Soldier situation is looking to be more real by the day and that makes me deeply uncomfortable. It was just a theory (a game theory) I made up, albeit using my English degree to hyper analyze the story, but sometimes (most times) my big brain is a burden. I honestly don't know what's worse: Tech dying, or Tech surviving and becoming something horrible (probably the second). Which brings me to this random ah dude:

There is actually no logical reason for this dude to be shown 3 separate times in an episode for it to not be important later. He also stands with the sass of our beloved engineer, not to mention his helmet and outfit contains small stylistic callbacks to Tech's armour (maybe I'm just delusional though). Which makes me violently ill, to say the least.

Anyways, whatever happens, we're all in this together besties. God speed

[daenysx]

don't look under the cut if you haven't seen the first episode yet angels <33

okay, i cried twice watching it and i don't know it might be cause of hormones or something BUT jace and rhaenyra reunion was really good and jace looks great (he def looks like a stark and i'm living for it)

seeing daemon again was amazing considering him being my favorite before having aemond, i love matt smith's daemon so much and he didn't disappoint. for me, daemon is the character who always makes me expect something terrifying to happen because he's impulsive and he resembles a dragon too much and i can't wait to see more of him this season (he's like my first love in hotd lol and he's insane i love him your honor)

AND coming to my mad bf now. first, i love how ewan curves his lips when he speaks, it's like an important piece of aemond and he does it so well. what i like most about this ep is seeing how he's aware of things especially his mother's love for rhaenyra and how she thinks he started the war. he is aware of his power when he's with vhagar but also it felt like he doesn't brag about it like he used to, he seems kind of reluctant now that he couldn't control his dragon once (it's what i felt watching but of course you might disagree) and- i don't know, it so nice to see him back (and the look he gave to alicent sitting at the table- i love him so much!)

(i've always loved the dynamic between daemon and aemond, especially when i first read them in the book. i don't know if the show will be different but so far i'm getting what i want from them. ewan and matt will be perfect delivering the resemblances and differences between them i just love seeing them being aware of the opposite because they have a lot in common and they both look so good, it's a delight to see them)

AND FINALLY BLOOD AND CHEESE

the book version is different as you probably know and reading that was HORRIFYING to me. helaena and her children never deserved that but that's the key thing for both hotd and game of thrones, innocent women and children suffering for crown conflicts and men's decisions. phia saban is amazing, i cried when helaena was leaving the room it was so heartbreaking even though the plot is different from the book but honestly i was expecting to see more tension

of course i don't expect the same plot for each occasion in the book, but blood and cheese is essential for many things and i wouldn't include alicole into this. i don't know what we'll see at the beginning of the next episode but hopefully we get so see more of helaena (i honestly don't have anything against alicole but i never felt them being too important for me, they didn't surprise me but you know, maybe just for this scene i wanted to focus on only helaena)

overall, it's amazing to see all of them back. i missed watching hotd so much and i missed the fandom. these are my first thoughts based on the episode (i literally finished watching it 5 minutes ago) my inbox is always open for your opinions if you wanna share something, love u all <333333

[athousandbyeol]

stray thoughts on forcebook's acting

honestly, i'm not an OG forcebook fan. i wasn't there from their enchante days. in fact, i started liking forcebook's acting three weeks after a boss and a babe aired. so, i don't know if i'm qualified to state my opinion (because i once posted this on my now-deactivated twitter, and the discourse wasn't pretty), but here goes nothing.

forcebook's commendable acting in a boss and a babe

so, after episode 9 of a boss and a babe, i now believe forcebook are capable of carrying heavy roles. they're dynamic actors, and now it's clear how many facades both gun and cher are wearing. even though i don't watch enchante, from the clips i saw here and there, they've improved tremendously. and kudos to them for their hard work.

gun gungawin, at the beginning of the series, is very stoic, strict and unfriendly. he shuts people down with his signature cold stare. he doesn't have a close friend. he's alone, and he prefers it that way. he overthinks but doesn't show. i personally think gun doesn't like skinship because it creates this bond, and he can't bear the thought of losing that someday (like how he lost thyme). yet, when he meets cher, his walls crumble. he becomes friendlier and happier. he doesn't care about what others think (contrary to how he was before cher). p'force portrayed him really well.

then comes the sunshine, cher saran, the bright and kind of idiotic intern (sorry, cher T_T). he's the mood maker. he's everyone's helper. very selfless because he has a gigantic heart. he ducks every conflict and traumatising emotion like a pro gamer. he cares so much about gun, but doesn't know how to show it with words. he's goofy and silly. and he keeps all the pain to himself. he hides them in the deepest part of his heart because he doesn't want anyone to know. he doesn't like talking about his struggles because that's who cher saran is. but you see the pain in his eyes when the light goes dark. and p'book's ability to distinguish the happy cher and sad cher so smoothly blows me away every single time.

episode 9 is a whiplash of pain, heartbreak, sadness, confusion, betrayal, loyalty, trust, disappointment, true love and sacrifice. i just want to say kudos to forcebook for bringing guncher to life. i shed so many litres of tears last night. i still will cry if i rewatch ep 9.

my bias towards p'aof's works

i'm a huge fan of p'aof (the director/screenwriter of he's coming to me, 1000 stars, bad buddy and moonlight chicken). i adore his works because of his precision in crafting the characters, choosing the most suitable bgms, his vision, the cinematography, the richness of symbolism and metaphor in his works, and his ability to bring out the best in his actors.

i'm beyond excited knowing my beloved jimmysea is now under p'aof's wings with another potentially heartbreaking series, last twilight, soon-to-be-aired this year (or early next year). i know p'aof will trigger all these emotions and potential in jimmysea, and i'm just ecstatic to see them nailing mork and day.

so, i posted this thought on twitter, and some didn't agree. i do understand that p'aof's works can be quite conventional and old school, but hear me out; even though it is, he's so good at it.

and it's funny how when i look at forcebook, i'm like— damn, p'aof really needs to give them a script. i've been manifesting a forcebook + p'aof collab ever since.

perhaps, i am biased. because i like p'aof's style, and i'm confident he has that freaking good script for forcebook somewhere in his stash (or his galaxy brain), and i hope god listens to my prayers. but as always, it's ok to disagree. this post doesn't intend to impose my thoughts on anyone.

so, yes. i just hope one day, forcebook will get a very good script to match their abilities, because god damn it, please don't waste their talents. i'll be furious.

and i hope only friends will be the beginning of forcebook's reign because these men know how to act, and they're nailing it.

[stormyoceans]

Monica I'm really scared. It's ep 11 next week. We haven't got Mork crying. (Sam mentioned to me that we haven't even gotten the day bawling scene from the trailer?) This eye donation thing seems a little bit too happy and hopeful for an ep 11.

I know this sounds bad but I really hope day doesn't regain his sight. Because everything the series built up about how blind people also are able to experience this world will all go down the drain. And some part of me knows p'aof will not do that. But then. It's so cruel. To give Day the eyes, the hope of vision just to yank it back so heartlessly. It's so mean. I am scared for next Friday monica.

i feel like i should probably wait to answer you because rn the episode is still too fresh in my mind and i don't have the emotional detachment necessary to be, if not positive, at least not utterly and embarrassingly overdramatic about this but. my mood really flipped a whole 180 degrees because of that ending and ngl. im not doing too well ;;;;;;;

FAIR AMOUNT OF NEGATIVITY UNDER THE CUT I ALREADY APOLOGIZE FOR IT

the thing is. i don't think the surgery next episode is gonna be successful, but i still so deeply dislike this eye donation plotline regardless of how it's gonna end because what's the point of it? if the surgery is successful and day gets his sight back, then it's gonna defeat the entire message of the show. if the surgery fails and day remains blind, then it just feels completely purposeless since he didn't need this to accept his disability and learn that he can still have a fulfilling life: he had already accepted this at songkhla, and it was perfect. honestly the only reason i can think of for them to go down this road is to have the surgery be unsuccessful now, only to end the series with day getting it again after some years and this time working out to show that 'you should never give up hope'. and i can't even begin to explain just how much that wouldn't sit right with me. and i mean i don't have a disability so i obviously don't have any right to say this, but still

not to mention that i actually still feel like those two moments with day and mork crying that we have yet to see are both related to the two of them breaking up because mork doesn't feel like he can take care of day, so they're gonna make him leave until he can prove to day's mom that he can provide for day. which is another thing i would hate

i just don't understand why would they choose all of this when, instead, p'aof could have had mork and day figuring out their future TOGETHER and BOTH trying to prove to day's mom that they can take care of EACH OTHER. like the show made such a point of making day become more independent and empowered but now they're not allowing him to be. i wanna see him walking outside alone with a cane, i wanna see him go back to school and finish his studies, i wanna see him open up his little bookstore while mork works as a cook. it can still happen, i guess, but i still wish it would have been given more focus

im also the kind of dramatic person who can't be like 'at least we have the first 9 episodes, they were perfect and nothing can ruin them'. unfortunately that's not enough for me. unfortunately i need them to stick the landing or it WOULD ruin the entire show for me. and not being able to get back to it and find comfort in morkday would honestly be heartbreaking for me. and you know, obviously the message and the representation of the show is the most important part in this, but also i would be lying if i said i didn't want to have a damn DVD box set of a jimmysea series to actually hold and enjoy since we won't ever have one for vice versa, but what would be the point of buying the last twilight one if i dislike the ending

ANYWAY. im really sorry ismay, i ended up ranting because i needed to vent but im afraid im only making you feel worse with this ;;;;;;; maybe after i sleep on it i will be a bit more optimistic about this but. im really scared too ;;;;;;; for what is worth im holding your hand and im here for you whatever is gonna happen

[lovecanbesostrange]

ouattober2023 Day 11: Girl Power

This is the OUaT prompt, so many moments, scenes, relationships, full episodes come to mind. So let me present what I like to call the Belle's Angels moments.

Belle alone is a great character for girl power moments. But look at what happens when she gets teamed up. :3

2x11 The Outsider One of the flashback episodes for Belle. She's having an adventure! And she's pissing big dudes off by being a smartypants (I love her). Luckily Mulan is there. Who appreciates Belle being a know-it-all, after being very irritated at first. Books can be useful and sometimes monster are people, too. An important lesson. They even trade their signature weapons for a moment.

3x07 Dark Hollow First off all, such a good beginning for Belle and talking about why she was left behind when the others sailed off (also that cloaking spell would have fit with the S2 storyline of hiding from the real world and not make it about Pan). She is so down on herself and Ariel is a hilarious partner to bounce off of. Optimistic, curious, but ultimately a bit clueless. Hilarious team-up. Yet, of course the word "love" comes up and Belle is invested in that right away. (Honestly, tell this woman your quest is either about love or has to do with beasts and she's in, it's scary.)

4x06 Family Business Somehow teaming up Belle and Anna seems so logical. They both dream about adventures and then get into situations. Wildly different ways of solving problems though, but together there is one functioning braincell and the biggest ever heart. Love that for them. (They should have started their trip by using the sauna though. Also a trip to the gym would help.) I do like that the topic of Belle not seeing herself as a hero comes up again, now paired with a different lady. It's also hilarious knowing how Anna just met Rumple (and successfully stole from him) and warns Belle about him. Well... Bonding over dead mothers (parents) is very Disney of them.

5x06 The Bear and the Bow Getting kidnapped/chained-up is a thing for Belle (ask around, so many instances), why not add one more as a first meeting? I hope Merida and Mulan can talk about their vastly different experiences they've had with "meeting Belle on the wrong foot first". It's kinda funny. Except Belle probably won't laugh. If there ever was a character desperately in need of having someone with a brain beside her, it's definitely Merida and it's hilarious how Belle is willing to help. We can also talk about the timeline and wonder once more, because when Belle and Merida are in the witch's hut, where is the wolf??

Okay, you may have noticed I kinda skipped something, because in a way it's a two-part punch. The other eps has Belle meet the girls for a brief moment mostly or just this one story beat. But then there are also:

2x04 The Crocodile and 2x07 Child of the Moon Because with Ruby it hits different. First Ruby helps Belle a bit (finding a purpose, but also a bed for the night; ending with driving the getaway car from the mines) and then in reverse Belle tries to help Ruby during an uncertain wolfstime (oh look, she gets chained up as a thanks).

This is what was missing from Belle's life - a steady friend(ship). Is there anything as heartbreaking as Ruby visiting Belle in the hospital in 2x13 Tiny? Meaningful friend moments over three different episodes. And oh, the things they could have solved together! True Girl Power Couple!! (Belle is the most proficient magic-user without being a witch and she can use a strong bodyguard.)

[marvel-starwarsfangirl]

Secret Invasion ep. 2 Review

While I definitely liked the first ep better, I still really enjoyed today’s episode. The conversations that Fury had with the other characters were really interesting and I look forward to seeing how the outcomes develop in the later episodes. It’s really sad to see Fury despondent at times because we’re not used to seeing him that way. The conversation with Talos was especially heartbreaking. Honestly, I think Talos is at his wits end; he’s fought for so long and he still doesn’t have a place to truly call home yet.

Gravik is very interesting imo. His laid back demeanor when contrasted with this brutal side is kinda chilling. The way he holds himself is so different from the other Skrulls on the council. They’re all fancily dressed and then Gravik comes in with not a care in the world. Idk, I just think the juxtaposition is interesting. 

And Olivia Coleman! I can see why she is an Emmy Winner. Her delivery and performance is so smooth and crisp. She was absolutely brutal, showing no mercy when interrogating that one dude. I’m definitely excited to see where her character goes in the later episodes. Yall say Olivia Coleman delivers and man, she DELIVERS.

Honestly, my only complaint would be on some of the makeup effects for the Skrulls but that’s most likely a budgetary thing. They still look decent. 

Anyway, I’m excited for next week. I just hope Talos remains ok because I love him. 

Spoilers below

Ok, so does Fury know his wife is a Skrull? This better get addressed. Also, is Rhodey a Skrull? Is Fury a Skrull? I honestly have no idea anymore.

And the super Skrull stuff is also interesting. It’s cool to see how they’ve been using DNA from other characters like Groot to gain abilities. 

Ok, but the convo with Talos and Fury. It broke me. Talos so fervently believes that humans and Skrulls can coexist only for Fury to fire back that humans can’t even coexist with each other and that Talos should know better. Even though it’s a harsh line, it’s so true. Humans are their own worst enemy. We’re so brutal to each other and it’s very sad. Talos clearly loves earth and wants peace. However, it’s a tough road and he is tired. Honestly, I think what makes the convo hurt more is the fact that these two have known each for 30 years and to see them go at each other is sad. 

(On a more positive note, I will say that Talos smiling when Fury was telling him a story from his childhood did warm my heart. They’re friendship is everything)

[trashlie]

FP 223

I know this is a week late, but I figured it’s better to get this up before tonight’s episode than have to do two of these lol (writing for two different episodes is SO HARD lmao). And listen, I had a lot of feelings I didn’t get to work all the way through since I read this on vacation (literally LMAO crying in public while waddling behind my friends LMAO i am a foooooool) so this post is going to be just that - me working through this lmao

I will say upfront that as much as this episode hurts, I think it went about the best it could, or rather, the most realistic way it could. While I had a lot of hope and wishes heavily stemming from ep 219, I think I knew deep in my soul that the reality is that Nol isn’t there yet, that some scars run deeper, and that it isn’t as easy to change who he is. But I’ll get on to that under the cut!

Honestly, I think the flow of events during this arc are done SO well, so masterfully. I remember everyone being SO disappointed when we reached this arc and it was Shinae’s dad on the rooftop (the BEST possibility it could have been, frankly!!!!) but this ENTIRE arc has been beautiful and I really hope there will be a day that this series will be printed in a physical form so I can buy all the volumes and just DEVOUR this entire arc. From the beginning of the Christmas party, the Bible, Nol’s jump from the balcony, Kousuke unraveling, the arrival at Minhyuk’s party, Shinae luring out Nol, the whole intimacy of secrets shared and that glimpse of who Nol really is, the fall, the Kousuke and Nol fight, the tenderness in the hospital, the sheer flirty romance and hopefulness of 219 leading right to this. It was inevitable. In retrospect it makes perfect sense - that build up cannot reach its pinnacle, not yet. Nol isn’t ready. 

And that’s what’s the most heartbreaking thing about this episode. 

Nol isn’t ready. It’s not that he doesn’t trust Shinae, it’s not that love or whatever isn’t enough. It’s that he’s not ready. When he apologizes to the space she no longer occupies, he says he doesn’t want her to see him like this. I wish he could have said it to her, but it wouldn’t have changed anything, and I imagine in her own way, she must get it. Nol’s every weakness has been used against him at every opportunity that it’s no longer he wants to hide this part of him, so as to not feel like a burden, so as to be the happy, radiant friend she’d longed for. And while WE know that Shinae doesn’t need that of him, and maybe he even realizes it, it doesn’t change how he feels. It can’t - this is so ingrained in him. 

I’ve started to think of Nol as a sort of prey animal; he’s easily skittish, it’s easy to startle him, and he clings to his security, because he needs it to feel safe. He clings to his masks, to his lies, to this bright personality to stave off the darkness that’s always surrounded him, to stave off the darkness in other peoples’ lives. His whole goal was to put some good into other peoples’ lives because even if he can’t have it, isn’t it better to put out something good (especially when we know he lives with this belief that the bad things that happen are his fault)? How can he bring them down with his darkness, his pain? It’s the entire opposite of what he wants to do. 

And think about it, too: Nol has never really had FRIENDS, these are the first real friends he’s had and they were a total accident. But where Shinae has found security in friendship and learned to push those boundaries and put more faith into others, he lacks that experience. He can’t bring himself to do it, yet. 

I think a big difference is that while Shinae wanted so badly to believe that all people suck and are awful, because it gave her comfort because if everyone was like that, then this wasn’t a one-off, then she wasn’t someone it was so easy to be awful to, and she didn’t need to be so upset when the inevitable happened, the truth was she wanted to be proven wrong, she wanted people to do for her what she expected they wouldn’t. But that’s not the case for Nol. Shinae had repressed hope buried deep down, so it was so much easier for her to change, to look at the people who DID have her back and find it in her to put faith in people she couldn’t guarantee. 

And in a way, wasn’t she burned? Nol tried to leave and though he came back and offered her an explanation, they’re still at the same place: he can’t be real with her the way she wants, and she can’t bear to watch him play a charade and wear a mask that she can see through. 

But it’s not the same for Nol. I think he’d resigned himself to this life, and maybe he did secretly hope otherwise, maybe he told himself otherwise when he made friends who accidentally became real. But maybe he meant it. Maybe he meant that he’d help these people before he peaced off to England. Would anything have been different, had the Kim formal not happened the way it did? If that was the catalyst that reminded Nol he can only bring harm to those he cares about, would he have made it to leaving for Oxford without telling anyone or not? But that doesn’t matter, because the Kim formal did happen and it reminded Nol how dangerous it is for him to care for people, and how futile it felt to fight back, to push back. Shinae was looking for that sliver of hope to grab on to, but Nol had given up on ever finding it, and even when faced with it, it’s too difficult for him to take hold of it. 

I think Shinae never hated herself, or at least not truly, but I think Nol does, and that seems to be the difference.

For Shinae, it was much easier to change her ways because it fed into a secret hope she’d been waiting for, because it was the push she needed to make a leap of faith. In Nol’s newfound friendship, she found a sense of security. After all, we saw her struggle to put up her walls towards Nol when she thought she’d hurt him after going off on him for crossing that line. It wasn’t the Kim formal events that made her see him as a friend, but they did foster that sense of security. But when you look at those events from Nol’s perspective, it’s completely different. There was no sense of security fostered, but rather one of fear. There was no comfort in their friendship - only a sense that he’d brought her into danger, that he’d made a mistake of showing interest in her and it got used against them. One of his greatest traumas must be finding out what had happened to his mom, and to actually watch something similar almost happen to Shinae? Jesus. It’s a testament to what a friend she is to him, what she came to mean to him, that he struggled to push her away after all of that. 

But I think that’s the biggest take away: Shinae has learned just how deep Nol’s scar is, and I think whenever she learns more about what happened to him, what he believes about himself, it will make even more sense to her, why Nol is unable to take off that mask, why he’s so affected by this side of him that he doesn’t want her to see it. It’s not that he can’t trust her, it’s that he can’t bear to be this person in front of her (or anyone). Even when his friends wake up, he puts the mask back on, carries on with the lies and the mask, because he doesn’t know how to let that part of himself exist, and certainly doesn’t know how to let that part of him be seen, let alone loved. 

And jesus that hurts so much. It hurts to know just how badly he’s suffered and continues to. (And it’s also a reminder to my forever mantra: he needs therapy! Shinae alone cannot fix this, love and care alone cannot undo what he has suffered and internalized.) 

But in the same way that it’s so heartbreaking, it’s also, weirdly, hopeful. 

Shinae is able to understand him, to some degree. She’s been there, she knows what it was like. It’s just that she doesn’t know how to get through to him, yet. He’s got such an impenetrable fortress around him the only way to get through is for him to lower his guard, to let her in. Or, I suppose, find a crack in the foundation, find a way to wriggle in. But that’s the thing - she acknowledges it, and decides not to give up on him. It would be so easy - and she wouldn’t be wrong for it - to decide you know what, I can’t do this, I’m wiping my hands of this. She’s just one girl! She’s not a therapist, she’s not a trained professional. And I love her for the decision to keep trying, even if it’s not easy. Because if Nol had given up on her, then would we have any story to follow? Would she have found friendship in Dieter and Soushi, learned to open up, found a way to make up with Maya, reconciled her trust in the people she cares about? 

It’s just also so sad and painful to know that it’s that much harder with Nol, that his trauma runs that deep, that it’s eaten away and left him fearful and wary and unable to be open. It was hard enough for Shinae to do it! 

I gotta say, that frame of them, where she’s stepping away from him and the sunset fading to black behind them is SO BEAUTIFUL and also SO DEVASTATINGLY SAD ;~; lmao I cannot get my mind around the FEELINGS it evoked, the way it’s so easy to understand both of them. I think Shinae did what was right. She drew a line, she made it clear that she doesn’t want to blindly play along anymore. She wants to know HIM, not this false version of him, and he can’t be that person right now. As much as I wanted her to pull off the blindfold and force him to see, I think it wouldn’t have been the right move. It might have felt violating to him, to be seen in a way he’s not ready to show yet, and would have made the wedge worse.  And she had to leave, because it was only stringing herself along to otherwise pretend he’d be the person he’s incapable of being right now. How is it fair, for her to share a moment with him so full of joy and happiness for her, while he’s hiding his pain? How is she supposed to feel about that? It negates any of the joy she feels. 

I’m sure there’s more to read into regarding Nol’s fairness than I can get my head around, but even at the surface level, it feels like Nol feels like it would be unfair to open up to her or Dieter and Soushi, even though they’ve opened up to him. “It’ll make things fair” but like she says, how is it fair at all, if she’s the only one allowed to find joy in their relationship, if she’s the only one keeping it as a good memory. Isn’t that unfair, that she alone would have remembered this dance as a pleasant time, as something to tuck away in her heart? 

I had thought that Nol’s decision to join Shinae on the rooftop was a sign that they’re on the same level, toe-to-toe, but his choice to wear the bandana negates that. He’s unable to stay on the same level as her, unable to be as open and vulnerable as she is, and that’s not fair to her. She’s shared with him a story I’m pretty sure she’s never shared with anyone else. 

How much must it hurt, to hear him say “I don’t need to see anything. I’ll be fine”? GOD. I can’t get over it ;~; The whole episode is just FULL OF PAIN. 

Because even after she leaves and makes her resolve to get through to him one day, the mask remains on. He says not one truthful thing to Dieter and Soushi, from pretending he just woke up to refusing to acknowledge his crying, to pretending to not know what happened to Shinae. And Dieter sees right through it, which hurts just as bad. No matter how long he was really awake, he knows enough to realize that Yeonggi was always a lie, that he’s a mask worn to placate others and deflect the truth, and maybe Soushi doesn’t yet know enough to see that in him. But just like with Shinae, how do you go back to being friends with someone, knowing they can’t be honest with you? Even knowing there’s a reason for it, it’s not easy. 

(Though, I guess when Nol says “When I opened my eyes she was already gone” that’s not EXACTLY a lie, but the truth of it is pretty irrelevant to Soushi in this matter.)

Dieter has always been remarkably perceptive, and while he couldn’t figure out Yeonggi before, he now knows enough to see through, and he seems to feel frustrated over the realization. It’s not that he and Soushi were bad friends and didn’t realize how bad things were with Nol - it’s that he never let them. It’s how he was always there to take care of their problems, to help them with their dilemmas, but never let them do the same for him, and instead played this role to deter them. How are you supposed to continue to be his friend when you see through it all? When you realize it’s so hollow and empty? 

I’m not saying this to make a dig at Nol, because unlike Dieter, I do understand. As readers, we get it. But Dieter knows even less than Shinae does. It just isn’t fair to them. 

I’m really curious what he’s going to talk about with Shinae, because boy is there a myriad of things, huh? ;~; Even if Dieter didn’t like Shinae, I think overhearing that would be difficult to swallow, because he essentially overheard something that feels, you know, private? Overhearing their conflict, Nol’s refusal to open up, and Shinae disappearing without a goodbye. GODDDDD that’s awkward and so painful ;~; I think Dieter is a very tactful person, so I’m not sure how he intends to approach that, because I think it would be far too, idk, rude? To be like yo overheard you and Yeonggi yowch that hurts lol and far from his style, but I have to assume that his intention is to address that - Nol’s evasiveness, his masking and lies, the persona he wears for them. 

And because Dieter is a tactful, perceptive person, I wonder where he he lands. Is he frustrated because it was something he couldn’t see through before? Does he feel more like Shinae, in understanding Nol has his reasons? Or is he more frustrated that Nol continues to hurt them (and specifically Shinae) over and over? He definitely seems lost in thought, so it’s hard to get a good read on him (and I’m sure that’s intentional, as his face is obscured from us a lot). 

And, yeah, I’m sure the frustration could be the realization that Shinae and Nol share something very different to what he and Shinae do, but I don’t think that’s THE source of his frustration. Sure it could be a part of it, but again, because he’s such a perceptive person, I think he’s already clocked this on Shinae’s end. I think still think there’s a lot to the way that Dieter told Shiane she loves Nol with his back to her, because characters seem to share some moments of honesty with their backs to each other, but also, as someone who likes her, of course it’s something he’ll pick up on. But I think most of his frustration is in that Nol continues to play pretend, that he can’t let himself take off that mask. 

But also, yes, I do feel for him in the sense of realizing that the girl you like and one of your charismatic friends you’ve envied might like each other, because of course that part also sucks. But in the grand scheme of things, I think there’s a lot of things at play that are hurtful for him. ;~; There’s something so, so bittersweet about the birthday party juxtaposed against his - Nol’s emotional “I love you guys” set against his refusal to be seen like this ;~; What can you do for someone like that? How do you encourage them when you can’t get through to them? 

GOD. I HAVE EMOTIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!! Everyone is going through it and IT HURTS and I think I knew all along the pain would be coming but GOD it hurts even more right on the back of such a tender, SWEET series of episodes, after getting to see Nol find that sense of peace, after getting to see them share a moment of friendship together again after so long ;~; 

But idk, there’s just something about the sunrise that continues to make me feel hopeful. Nol is in such a deep, dark place right now, and it’s not easy to come out of. I still think we’ll see the main trio separate leading to the timeskip, and maybe when they all reconvene in whatever way, that’s how we’ll return to them. I think Kousuke will go to Japan and we’ll probably see Yui push his isolation further from the people who care about him, I think Nol will still find a way to Oxford after serving his sentence, and I think Shinae will take Rand’s advice and opt for university. It’s hard to say where I think they’ll all be when we get through the BIG time skip, but I guess we have to get through the first one first, anyway. What will come of Yujing’s expose - and what might Nol’s friends learn about him when they learn about the family that has haunted him? 

One last thought, though. I’m glad Nana has shown up - I’ve been wondering where she was, why no one had contacted her! - but I feel like I’m the only one who felt like Nol’s expression was a little weird lol. idk, people seem to think he looks really happy to see her but his smile looks a little... off? It could just be because he’s all marked up, but his smaller pupils make him look a little... afraid to me? I don’t THINK that’s the case but I just want to throw that thought out there lmao 

[dragonsareawesome123]

2, 5, 8, 19 & 25 for the end of year tv shows asks!

2. Favorite TV show you’ve watched/discovered this year.

-I'm gonna exclude Bad Buddy from this bc only the last few eps aired this year and say A Tale of Thousand Stars and Triage. I actually put off watching ATOTS for a bit bc the plot synopsis on MyDramaList didn't really interest me but boy was I wrong about that initial first impression bc it's now my number 2 fav BL, closely after Bad Buddy. Rich college boy almost dies, gains a new perspective on life, and decides to go teach in a poor village and meets and falls in love with another guy there. Lots of pining, staring and fated romance ensues and creates a story so romantic and emotionally moving, helped by Earthmix's incredible chemistry. It's the BL to me that feels most like reading a really good romance novel. What's not to love? Triage is now my number 3 fav BL (topping WOH, which surprised me bc I didn't think that I'd be moving WOH from that spot for a good while). Resident doctor gets trapped in a time loop and can't get out until he saves the life of a rich college boy, and in the process, falls in love with him of course. However while trying to do so, the resident doctor discovers that this may not be that simple as he begins to uncover a whole conspiracy that's been happening right under his nose. I've been hyperfixating on this show for months now and still am (although I think Never Let Me Go coming out in a little over a week might pull me out of that bc I'm already going feral over that show). It's time loop medical drama romance with murder and corrupt higher ups and it's also basically a spinoff of Manner of Death since they take place in the same universe and this show sets up the plot of Manner of Death's sequel, Transplant. Tin and Tol are my blorbos who I would die for and I'm so happy that they got to have their happy ending after the hell they went through to get it (They better have a cameo in Transplant where they're just vibing like Tanbun's cameo in Triage). Honestly I've already said so much about this show these past few months so I'll just leave it at that before I start writing a dissertation about how much I love this show. Am just gonna add that I'm very mad about AIS Play for making this show basically impossible for international fans to watch legally. I hope they make this show more accessible to international fans sometime in the near future especially since it's gonna be necessary to watch this before watching Transplant.

5. Favorite ship you discovered this year.

-Tian and Phupha from A Tale of Thousand Stars and Tin and Tol from Triage. Village gays and time loop gays my beloveds <3 (Also thank you P'Aof for giving Phutian back to me next year even if it's just for an ep!!! ATOTS special ep let's go!!!!!)

8. A ship that finally got (back) together this year.

-Erin and James from Derry Girls!!! I'm so happy that Season 3 confirmed that they were each other's endgame romances. Oh, and also while this hasn't aired yet, it's gonna start and finish airing by the end of the month, so also Lyra and Will from His Dark Materials. I know their romance doesn't really last that long because I've read the book but it's still going to be incredibly sweet and heartbreaking while it lasts.

19. A TV show that shouldn’t have been cancelled this year.

-First Kill. FUCK Netflix for cancelling this show when it literally had the views! Netflix hates sapphics and it shows.

25. Rec me a TV show I should watch next year!

-Hm, well I'd obviously recommend Triage to everyone bc it's truly one of the best BLs of the year and it's criminally underrated. I'd also recommend GMMTV's The Gifted and The Gifted: Graduation bc they're just so good. It's a series about a school with a program where they basically train kids with superpowers. Nanon Korapat plays the main protagonist and he's absolutely INCREDIBLE in it. It's not a BL but there is definitely something gay going on between Nanon and Chimon's characters, especially in The Gifted: Graduation.

Ask me about TV shows I watched this year

[ssr-archives]

1st Flashbacks - young childhood

We open on young Peggy getting ready to slay an imaginary dragon.  Michael Carter later describes this as a thirst for adventure, but it’s more than that really- it’s about saving the princess.

It cuts to a scene of Peggy and Jason.  Jason is the princess!  And after but a moment, Peggy charges headlong into the mouth of the dragon to try to save him.

Young Agnes instead is fixing a radio, because her mother was complaining it that didn’t work. She’s taking notes on the process.

Cut to Whitney getting a box of rats for zero matter experimentation.  The parallel is clear. She’s still solving problems the same way, with a stepwise experimental approach, and taking notes

The contrast is pretty stark - it sets Peggy up as a figure of passion and imagination, ready to hazard herself, while Agnes is very contained and very precise.  Add in the difference in home lives, happy vs sad, and it’s a pretty stark contrast.

2nd Flashbacks - young adulthood

Peggy’s interrogation is contrasted with her announcing her engagement and receiving an offer from the SOE, and claiming she’s not meant for the field.  Those ideas I think are very opposite. The parallel I think here is Sousa/spywork vs Violet/Fred. It’s the most subtle one of the episode, but hear me out:

Sousa’s heavily involved in this episode and the things she doesn’t want to say are the parallel with accepting the SOE’s offer, where getting engaged to Fred and staying in England is the same as holding herself back from telling Sousa how she feels.  Her true feelings vs socially acceptable behavior.

(Peggy’s wearing pink on top and green on bottom in both scenes. Green is the SOUSA color - he was wearing it in this ep.  Red and green are complimentary colors on the color wheel, just like her feelings are pretty opposite what is socially acceptable in this situation.  In addition, she wears pink and green in Lady in the Lake, when she’s interrogating Dottie and Jack sends her to NY.  There’s also a tension there–seeing the Dottie thing through vs seeing Daniel again. )

In Agnes second flashback, we see her little home crumbling, still working on plans for inventions, and her application for college is turned down.  Her mother tells her all anyone will care about is her face.  Which parallels very nicely with Calvin calling her and claiming he needs her face.  She hangs up on him, just like she tells her mother she’s going to get away from their unhappy home.  She’s always been a defiant being.

These scenes are both twists of fate - Peggy gets an offer, and Agnes gets a rejection.  Neither woman would be what they are without those things. Ugh I hate twists of fate because I like to believe life is about choices, which it is– you can react to your fate how you wish.

But imagine for a moment, young Agnes got into college.  She could be Howard Stark’s equal, instead of a behind the scenes villain.  HEARTBREAKING.

3rd Peggy flashback - Engagement Party

This scene of Michael trying to convince Peggy to be herself (to be a spy) is contrasted with the creepy Vernon scene.  In both scenes, the parallel is Peggy’s resolve is being tested. Fate has brought her to a situation, and now she has to make a choice. 

I love this scene tons and honestly Michael reminded me a whole lot of Jarvis in his vocal and unwavering support.

There’s no contrast flashback for Agnes.  (Unless I missed it.)  I think this is because we have yet to see what will happen when Whitney’s resolve is tested, which is a pretty important plot point to save for later.   Although killing Hunt is a pretty good illustration of how far she’s willing to go.

Final flashbacks

Michael’s death spurs Peggy to take the SOE offer, she heads off to be the Peggy Carter we know and love.  This parallels with the action ongoing - they’ve bugged Hunt and are listening, and Peggy takes a minute to console Jason, to urge him to fight, the way her brother urged her.

Agnes gets discovered, in Hollywood.  She’s told she can be anything she wants, which she echos to Calvin now coming to grips with his wife’s new powers. That’s a pretty clear good vs. evil dichotomy, Peggy fighting the good fight to protect people vs Whitney using her power to achieve her own ends.  The battle lines are drawn.

Peggy vs Whitney, now vs then

Smoke and Mirrors was just a beautifully structured episode from start to finish.  Not only is there the obvious contrast between our heroine and villainess but also parallels running through both character’s stories in the past and present.

Discussion comparing flashbacks with current story line for both characters - then contrasts between the two under the cut. SPOILERS

(also a slight reprise of color theory stuffs)

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