#they wont be able to handle me now
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Just finished Hannibal.
This is the most brilliant shit i've ever seen in my entire life wtf
#hannibal#im still scared shitless to go out of my apartment to take a smoke#but it was so so worth it#omg this is insane how was this acrually produced#from time to time i just stare off into the nothingness and half gasp half laugh cause like#wtf#they were insane for this#bryan fuller was insane for this#and mads and hugh omg#this was so#i cant i cant#the way that hannibal knew that will knew he was in love with him#and will knew he knew that he knew#and there was just this implicit understanding between them#fully wordless#that carried the whole chapter#omg i am going insane over this i will never be normal again#my friends will all desert me I already got drunk af a couple days ago and said that 'sex is like cannibalism'#they wont be able to handle me now#omg omg omg
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Ride 793: The palms of their hands
Pag 1
1: Holding hands with you rival
Pag 2
1: Grasping tightly the gratitude
They're moving forward... to the future!!
Pag 3
1: 1500m left until the mountain line!!
Pag 4
2: You're kidding....
He's coming....?
He's getting closer?
3: So odd, and yet I thought I had left him behind completely
This is “three times”, isn't it?
5: He's coming
And moreover
Pag 5
1: He's doing it while singing!!
Even though Hakogaku's Manami had left him so much behind in a moment...
Mountain King is getting closer!!
He's not giving up!!
The distance is closing!!
That's right ♪ I know ♪ If you do this ♪
Pag 6
1: The princess' wish ♪
2: Will come true ♪
3: Mountain King is amazing!! He's humming a tune!!
I heard of this, Mountain King becomes faster when he hums a tune!!
What, amazing!
The magic singing!!
I'll try singing too next time I'll climb!
4: No
It's not magic
5: For you, that “song”
Pag 7
1: it's a device to activate your power!!
2: Like a car's key
3: To carry people and luggage up a mountain road a vehicle needs both a sturdy body, small parts
4: and a powerful engine
5: For bikes, the “body”
Pag 8
1: Practice, repetition, recovery, determination, challenges- everything
2: piles up!!
3: Only someone who has worked
4: tirelessly, without rest....
Pag 9
1: Could get to this position of the mountain stage on the Inter High's first day!!
2: And he can even keep up with my “three times”!!
4: I see, so that's what it means
You piled everything up during this past year...
Pag 10
1: Ouch
2: Ah, damn, I pressed something weird
Ah....
3: Oh, I have a message
Ah, it's from Sakamichi-kun
Ah... it's from three months ago..
Hehehe, ops
4: What is it, what is it...? “Do you remember? The promise we made on the last day?”
Oh... I remember
“We said 'let's race for the mountain stage on the first day next time'”
Ah.. we did, we did
6: “Are we still on for that?”
8: “Of course”
Pag 11
1: To protect your promise with me!!
Wait, Manami-kun!!
Princess ♪...!!
2: Sakamichi-kun!!
3: Manami-kun!!
Pag 12
1: Mountain King caught up!!
He caught Hakogaku's Manami, who had attacked and opened the gap!!
2: He's not surrendering!!
Neither of them is surrendering!!
1200m left until the mountain line!!
Pag 13
1: Now another race...
2: starts!!
4: They're both taking the curve
5: while colliding against each other!!
Pag 14
1: Aaaaaa
Soooreeee
I won't surrender!!
2: They're still neck and neck!!
3: Amazing!
Pag 15
1: From the inner side!!
2: Sooreeee
Manami fell back for a moment and then forced his way forward!!
They hit each other!!
5: The trees are getting lower again
6: One more time...
Pag 16
1: Let's go, “three times”!!
Pag 17
2: Manami used the wind and accelerated again!!
Incredible, what's that!
3: What about Mountain King!?
Pag 18
1: Musical note shaped wings!?
Pag 19
1: Aaaaaaaa
2: Amazing
3: It's just like you
4: You were so desperate to catch me that you unconsciously used the wind to accelerate
5: Interesting!!
Pag 20
1: Mountain King is clinging to him!! I thought Manami had attacked but
Manami didn't get away!!
He caught up with such a weird acceleration!?
Amazing!
2: Maybe your singing is something more than a key
3: Ahhhh
5: These past three years have been fun
Huh!?
Pag 21
1: I'm glad you were here for the past three years
3: Huh... ah!!
4: Thank you
Pag 22
2: Such a close battle like this, such a once-in-a-lifetime battle like this, it could only have been with you
3: Yeah... yeah!!
“The past three years”....!!
4: No, that, I should be the one saying that, really!!
5: That's right... this is my match against Manami-kun...
Pag 23
1: Let's go until the mountain line
2: Let's give everything we have
3: Let's make the most of every second of the time we have left!!
5: 1km until the end....
Pag 24
1: It's the final climb!!
Pag 25
1: Yeah!!
Pag 26
3: Th-thank god I made it in time...
This... I couldn't miss this today
4: Sangaku said that
5: “It will be the culmination of the past three years”
#yowamushi pedal#yowapeda#yowamushi pedal translations#yowapeda manga#yowamushi pedal spoilers#yowamushi pedal manga#ride 793#no im not crying i just have 793 chapter of yowapeda in my eyes ;A;#watanabe please stop reminding me that this manga is gonna end!!! I dont wanna hear it!!#and neither does onoda!! Look at his desperate face when he realizes that that's his last race against manami!!!#excuse meeee ;A; i cant do this#so imma focus on the nice things#like onoda sining that 'the princess' wish comes true' right when he sees manami#bc THATS HIS WISH MANAMI IS HIS WISH AND ITS FINALLY COME TRUE#or how cute Manami is in the flashback page and the way he jumps up to reply to onoda#like the only thing missing there was him adding 'it's a date' to that text#bc thats what it is okay its obvious#honestly i understand why onoda is so scared that this is his last chance with manami#given that he had to wait 3 months for a single text lmao#he's scared he wont hear from manami at all once they wont be able to meet at the ih - and he's right#manami please reply to your phone onoda needs you#im babbling to not focus on the last pages bc theyre making me too emotional and I CANNOT HANDLE THIS#if i think about this manga ending imma melt in a puddle of tears okay#so ill just focus on sansaka being canon for now :')
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not an ask, but I saw ur post and relate a lot to it.
anticipatory grief sucks. people will tell you not to think about it, not to let it steal from today, but some days are just so hard. sometimes it feels unavoidable, like it’s some goliath mountain in the distance or even the sky and you can’t not look at it. it’s like you have to keep trying to distract yourself not to think about it, and it’s exhausting, and you’re so fucking scared of the inevitable.
like how does anyone even function? the idea of the world continuing to spin when there’s this terrible, horrible thing that will happen some day is unfathomable but it does, and it’s horrible. Some day will mark the before and the after. nobody can ever be ready for it.
I hope the love you have keeps you strong. wishing you the best.
this is literally it. i know thinking about it Now wont make the actual day it happens any easier. but it's impossible to not think about it, especially since there's no tangible way to preserve memories or feelings or the like forever. i cry easily and get emotional over most anything and everything, which is another layer of difficulty wrt it because I spiral. I want to squeeze out of my body. im not meant for any of it
#skunk mail#Anonymous#ill be in a car with my dad fighting tears thinking about how ill miss it one day and there's no way for my brain to capture the moment and#make a simulation of it. and even then that wouldnt help. ykwim#sometimes i sit in my parents room while my parents and brother are there and i cant stop thinking about when ill see them for the last tim#and how i wish i could full really truly wring every last drop of ''appreciation'' from the moment.#i think about that time isnt linear thing. how everything that has happened or will happen exists on its own#and i think about the cheye experiencing the After tragedy. and i cant handle it. not now or then. i envy the past cheye#even the one of 5 seconds ago. because that was 5 seconds ive lost. 5 seconds closer to events that will#separate my life into Before and After. over and over again#(like you said anon. i think abt that all the time too)#i think this is also why im struggling with the thought of moving out#we all have so little time. dont even get me started on the fear and grief i feel for my own life#not only fearing dying but fearing the lead up where ive lost and cried over much. just me. alone.#ill never see them again. it will never be today again. we'll never be in my parents room like today again. i cant take it.#even if i spend every last second with everybody i still wont be able to take it. i cant believe it#human beings that were all somebody's baby once. tomorrow it will be like they were never here at all. all their memories#go with them. it hurts so bad. i cant take it#i cant even breathe rn ruminating abt it *peace sign emoji*
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#IM SO STRESSED IM SO STRESSED#I feel like I'm not handling ANYTHING well rn#so many people have symptoms that are WAAAAAAY fucking worse and they're like. working full time jobs and being a parent and shit and#I'm like waaah oh no I have body aches and chronic fatigue looks like I'll have to be unemployed and never do anything ever 💀#how am I gonna live?? like. my parents are taking care of me and I'm so fucking glad but#SOMEDAY THEY WONT BE AROUND and that stresses me out so bad#I'm 25 years old and I NEED my mom every day if not physically then emotionally because I'm a little bitch baby that can't do anything for#herself. im having a hard time feeding myself I'm having a hard time keeping my living space clean#I'm not taking care of anything except the dogs sometimes and my lizard and she's not getting as much attention as she used to#I need a job and I need to be able to suck it up and DO THINGS but I feel like I'm not the person u was anymore#I was strong and I could push thru things and make myself do things and now I can't???? I just lay on the fucking couch!! and feel bad abtit#is it the tism. is it the ADHD. what about the chronic depression. how bout the fibromyalgia?#and the thing is that ALL OF THOSE THINGS ARE MILD#I don't have severe pain (yet).#I just can't handle it I don't WANT to handle it#so. shoutout to my mom I guess because if it wasn't for her I simply wouldn't be alive#I feel like I've never been happy!! why can't I just be content and be happy!!!!#I have no fucking reason to be unhappy!!!!!!
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...
#havening trouble falling asleep and i KNOW anything i think about right now is just blown out of proportion#but genuinely not looking forward to my grandfather coming home tomorrow#living with him stresses me out so much#in some fucked up way im glad he wasnt here when kevin died#i cant imagine those first few days of grief having to also deal with him#i guess im just afraid that whatever progress ive gone thru is going to get lost the moment he comes#or if i trigger myself i wont be able to handle it as well#sigh#i know ill just have to take it as it comes
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i hate my mum so much
#every night she turns every little thing into an argument#i cant stop crying#i try to explain to her that im feeling tired and im not doing that well mentally right now#trying to ask her for help#and she goes#why should i care#and starts traumadumping to me#turning it into a competition#if i start crying again rn i wont be able to breath#ik its not that deep#but argument after argument i cant handle it
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I really hate having to depend on people to get very very important things done
#oh the joys of being disabled and not being able to do thing or having to constantly get help with things#literally have been asking my landlord MONTHS gor paperwork i need from him#and ive been trying to get other paperwork and documents from people that i otherwise should have had#but i was in the hospital and very sick so i dont have these documents and so now im trying to get them but#its just so annoying and im suffering because its affecting my health and people just dont care and im so frustrated#and i also still am not able to drive and i dont have money to get the bus or anything and Aahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh#and im still trying to get like my frivken birth certificate from my mother because she had all this stuff because i was sick#and again in the hospital and when i finally got out and tried to get a grip on all my legal medical stuff#i find out that she just let it all go to waste and she literally told me that she was just waiting for me to get out#so that i can handle it myself when jsncjsncjsjcnccn#THATS WHAT SHE LITERALLY WAS THERE FOR SHE HAD ALL MEDICAL RIGHTS BY ME AND SHE DIDN'T DO IT#and gosh... i just really hope i still qualify for disability because i cant work ive tried to do it and#i literally worked a 9-5 day and the next three days after that i was running a fever and throwing up#i thought it was a one time thing so i tried again and the same thing happened#and i keep fricken trying and it keeps happening and its frustrating my body wont tolerate working#and im stressed because the person coming into presidency doesn't like disabled people and i feel like im just not gonna qualify#i just hope i qualify for the insurance part at least thats what i really really need because yeah just yeah
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so yea running servers isnt like a cheap thing is what ive been learning these past couple weeks
#fair warning this is me just like going off new knowledge so i could be getting things wrong#buying an actual server isnt really that expensive itself! the issue is like actually running it and when you have actual ppl on said serve#thats where costs start racking up#theres different ways to go about handling a server but mainly what ive been getting from this is:#self hosting (running urself) or managed hosting (having a 3rd party run it for you)#so when ur small or solo u can get away with managed servers cause theyre pretty lowcost or free#and you usually want to go this route if you dont have the skills built up to take care of a server yourself#or if you arent interested in learning cause its pretty time consuming and u have to upkeep it#but they are scary expensive once u get a certain amount of users from what ive seen#its extremely convenient and gives u peace of mind but theres no point using the service if ur making enough money#especially since you wont have as much control of your server if its managed#so at that point just hire people to take care of your own servers you buy#however there are still server costs u need to pay (along with the people u have hired)#im only bringing this up to say that solmare is running ''two'' separate servers for two seperate games (as far as ik)#and probably arent making that much more in profit cause#me as a user...if i have two games that r practically the same on my phone im not spending money on both#its either one or the other#but you still need to pay accordingly to have both of these servers up#like realistically they arent gonna be able to keep both apps running indefinitely#but yea whatever they were saying in the beginning about having both games running and not forgetting about the og#was either a very generous guess or they were just lying#if it were like a nikki game situation where all the games r very different then maybe it would have been feasible#anyways yea sorry i needed an excuse to talk about the website stuff ive been learning!! and obey me is always in the back of my head#im like thinking about this stuff a lot cause for my site i need to have a server and its like okay we r gucci rn#i can stick with managed for now cause im assuming its gonna stay small#but like...theres always that non zero percent chance that it might not be gucci later on lol#so been researching a lot and i just dont wanna run my own server that sounds so boring its not even funny#so yea im just like AHHH
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guys when the disability is disabling 👎
#sorry stupid vent post <3#im gonna be angry in the tags here for a second#im just. idk. sick of being aware of the fact that im getting worse.#i had a week off from work for moving and school purposes#and now that im back i am . oh boy 👍 not great#literally passed out this morning which . thats new. dont like that.#hopefully its just a . one off thing. i dont know. but. idk.#something something capitalism something something ableism something something im tired of this grandpa#i am tired of being in pain <3 im tired of feeling like im falling behind constantly and like im letting everyone down#by just not being able to do the things i feel i should be able to do.#and like. also currently looking at wfh jobs bc i do not think my body can handle school and work and having to stand and walk and stairs#that much . every single day.#and i feel bad about that too bc i transfered to this store ! i put in work to be here at this store and my fucking body is giving out !!#its not even bad. its a much quieter store than the one i came from. everyone ive talked to is nice. the manager is understanding#and i hate that i feel like im just. deteriorating. and failing at everything <3#but like whatever . its whatever. i know its just the. internalized shit of 'yeah but im not bad enough to warrant this'#like ! fuck !#idk. things to bring up in therapy i guess <3#ok goop night sorry for this. i wont be deleting bc fuck me if i ever delete a post. cringe is dead or wtvr
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im just sick of feeling guilty for spending money 😭😭 ..
#og#i wanna save my money so bad but the past year has been really hard on my family. lots of bad shit has been going on#and i just wanted to get stuff to treat everyone so we can have a nice holiday and to show them i love them#but now i have less money in my savings and it makes me really sad </3#im trying to save my money up to eventually get a car which will allow me to get a better job and be able to move out#although i probably wont be able to move out for another few years bc. everything is so expensive#although my mom is trying really hard to find a job even tho i really dont think she should bc she's sick. but like. we're poor#and it's even sadder bc my younger brother wants to get a job to get some money too and it's like. no please it's fine#we can handle it you don't need to help out we're okay right now#OOF SORRY FOR VENT..#next year i just really hope i'll be able to like. save my money up a lot which. idk if i can#so to make myself happy i get myself a lil treat here and there otherwise im probably gonna get depressed LOL
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Guess who just got her hands on a survival horror game
#personal#survival horror#horror#fatal frame 4#fatal frame#Gone where the days where I used to just watch youtubers play horror games for me#this time I PLAY it myself#ngl I thought i wont be able to handle it and yeah its still scary#but also IM HAVING FUN!#cant wait to unlock the cute outfits#also now I wanna play ff5 too
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#talkys#realizing now that ive never really been able to see a future where i drive ykwim#not in the sense of Lol I Dont Wanna Do It So I Wont but in the sense that its never been something ive been#excited or hopeful about/for#same with moving out. same with having a job. same with transitioning#i cant See that in my future it doesnt even seem far away it just seems like. unthinkable#i think i might still be stuck in the 'didnt expect to live this long' mode bc its true i feel like i should be dead i feel i should die#tomorrow. ykwim. which makes it all so much harder. 0 motivation bc its unrealistic to me#to imagine any sort of future#because i dont really have a future !#why learn to drive if i dont have a future#no way to find a job that doesnt suck bc i dont have qualifications for anything Good (my fault) so#putting it off for as long as possible. bc i really dont have a future. i dont !#i am inept and cant handle being alive#and thats that ive had no real issues or tribulations.
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guess who is so absolutely shit at everything that they are failing at school, won't have the gpa to keep their financial aid at the ridiculously expensive institution they attend, and is probably gonna have to move back home next semester
#boink#it's me#lol#nothing feels real#i just slept for 15 hours#god i hate myself so much#i am such a fucking piece of shit#i was finally starting to settle in here#god im supposed to be in charge of my music group and im literally abandoning them#i finally started to feel like i maybe fit in with them#and now im going to be back at my house#like im in high school#because i cant be trusted to handle myself#things are hard here but at least i started to feel like a person#god i mean i started to feel like an individual#i went to a party this week an i had a good time#i asked someone out on a date for gods sake#these are things that i absolutely never could have done a year ago#and now im going back home#and i wont even be able to say i have school like i used to#that was who ive always been and its just fucking not now#obviously#its like i had the most terrifying realistic nightmare#and when i wake up its actually real#i am going to have to leave all of this#i dont even deserve it anyway#i wish i did#the world is getting so much smaller again
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i would like to thank any gods out there that the physics exam was in fact manageable and most questions worked like the ones i did manage to look over. no idea if i got to the correct conclusion but i'm pretty sure my formulas are all in order. i'm careful not to hope too much but i definitely didn't completely screw it up.
i would also like to thank the snow that i got to go home earlier.
i would also like to fight my french teacher and stop french classes immediately i don't understand a damn thing and there's too much grammar and i can't focus and i'm too demotivated to spend the time on it i should and i wanna cry
#a biscuit's rambles#EVEN IF I DONT USE THE SUBJONCTIF FRENCH PPL ARENT STUPID THEYLL KNOW WHAT I WANNA SAY#also leave me alone i was prepared for the way u usually test someone in class#not that#i woulda been able to handle that other stuff#also i KNEW my vocab okay that one phrase wasnt even in That vocab#we have two french lessons back-to-back on wednesdays and they make me wanna commit spontaneous self-ignition#just crumble to dust for a while. ill come back after french please and thank you#but hey physics went. well imma be a bit careful so i wont say well but better than expected for sure#at least thats done#now just small maths and politics tests on friday#and the spanish exam next week#and that other one in two weeks#and-- okay okay one exam at a time#im not gonna die but i will wish to be taken over by blue fungus for a prolonged if finite period of time
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Beginning to really wonder how much of my financial concern is manufactured and handed to me as opposed to something I'm genuinely concerned by
#bc like. i'm getting by just fine. i don't have anything to be reasonably worried about#but also when i was a kid my father would break down my mother's paycheck and basically explain how broke we were#and that May Have Affected Me Somewhat#as well as just. the way you consistently see the advice to just save! don't get takeout! necessities! and i'm not intent on living like#a monk nor am i intent on being on that grindset for financial gain#it's like i don't intrinsically care but i have so many messages given to me about how i need to care a lot and it puts me in a weird spot#i am simultaneously standing still and moving at mach speeds#i mean right now i just need a safety net while in between jobs; after that i need to save up to move out of state bc the uh#political situation and upcoming presidential election don't seem very sustainable for someone like me anymore#they weren't to begin with but i don't wanna stick around to see how bad it's gonna get#but it's like. okay and then what? save for what? going back to school i guess? idk#i feel like i keep asking myself what i'm trying to accomplish and keep trying to force myself to have answers#here and now when i have to be okay with taking things one step at a time instead of having everything here and now#it's simultaneously fine and terrible and i am holding two conflicting yet equal truths#i feel i may have a clearer head once i leave my current job. i'm trying to look but nothing feels appealing given how#burnt out i already feel. i dread going back into my workplace and i fear it's showing to the patients and i don't want that#i want a month off to rediscover who i am as a person outside of getting yelled at in retail and then pick something back up#could be feasible. genuinely could be. i need to sort out the health insurance aspect but. that's lowkey the plan?#to construct a financial safety net and then slam on the breaks for a while; see if i can strike up a deal with the staff about me#coming in for specific tasks bc we already know i'm quick and efficient with the inventory so i do have a little leverage#you know what. this is getting some of it off my chest and i'm starting to feel confident again lmao#i won't be doing weekends starting either next week or the week after so that's a start! i just think i want everything done right now#bc i'm afraid i won't have the chance again but i will. i definitely will#i just need to let myself get to that point; it's just the immense drain from the register work and the Everything that comes with retail#also having to accept that it's okay to leave this; there's not something wrong with me like. ''not being able to handle it'' or w/e#no mindfulness or detachment could've saved me; it was shit and i'm hitting the bricks and that's all there is to it#i've been thinking a lot about it all lately bc it's what's most prominent in my life rn of course#idk. pondering. introspecting. as i am wont to do#anyways if you've read all this you're a real mvp and i am kissing you on the hand#shai speaks
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genuinely such a great feeling when a project just works out like this....
#twist rambles#like i feel SO well equipped to handle this?? and the head is PERFECTLY in scale for the body and should match pretty decent and all the#neck mods ive done should ALSO be ok. like for me its really nice bc looking at this head initially i was like. no fucking way am i gonna b#able to do ANYTHING for her. i cant fix this and so i shouldnt even consider it. but now im like ok. i think this is gonna work out perfect#even if some parts. well are gonna be scary... im dreading doing the eyes lol. but future me's issue lol. but idk. its just been rly cool o#like. i rly looked up to other ppl in this hobby that were able to fix up REALLY damaged dolls like this. like one person ive talked to a#bit on the resin side of it all is so so sklled at repair and has so much knowledge. and idk its cool to take on a project like this and#know im well equipped for it. knowledge wise. like its... idk definitely the worst shape doll ive gotten since i got into this in 2018. so#im excited :) and i havent worked w vinyl dolls for a while so... idk im excited to get this doll... and hopefully it wont be TOO bad lmao#^currently in research hell but. idk im excited#bjd posting#<- again so bad at remembering to tag this bc i go turbo autism mode in the tags. sadly lol
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