#but also i wanna shower cause im cold but i wont be able to stand up right now AND handle potentially passing out

[nabaath-areng]

im having the worst body day in a good while in terms of pain but i refuse to lay down. for there lies the road to the devil (mental health spiraling with nothing to distract from it). i SHOULD cook. but im not sure ill be able to with the pain. especially since the pain is because it feels like literally nothing is sticking together, like im much more bendy and hypermobile and useless than normal, which severely affects both motor skills and body strength. not to mention that this is causing a bad jaw day where so chewing is pain cause i already cant keep it in place and keep my mouth properly closed. i keep complaining but like, holy fuck i want off this illness ride

[shytiff]

Small Dec Wins

i cant believe its December already tf?!?!?!

1 - poli KIA today. saw a mother who cant feel the movement of their baby. the senior midwife tried to find the baby’s heart beat but not finding it. she said she hopes she were wrong. fell asleep at 3pm-ish, woke up super hungry. ate. i swear i feel like my weight when i measured it this morning was ~52, but after eating its close to 54 lol. eating banana and chocolate nextar is yummm. dalbang today is hella funny as always and suuper endearing. fell asleep after dalbang, didnt study hufttt

2 - today im at igd but joined azkia at vk for a bit to see partus. its not that im scared (maybe not consciously) but when the mom was being stitched i felt lightheaded, nausea, cold extremities, and i even had to squat multiple times because i couldnt stand. But i felt better after the partus so maybe seeing it was the cause. I did not feel scared at all honestly ._. and i’ve seen multiple partus before. i dont know why. i can literally feel my symphatetic tone giving out lmaoo. tried matcha latte with Cy matcha powder. it tasted more milky and grassy. mom thought it tasted like nori. i prever cocodeli alll the way (although Cy is cheaper). i think it also has a bit of caffeine that made me feel awake like a normal person should be. 

3 - today is vk but there’s no patient so thank god i saw sumn yesterday. did some cicil ukmppd in the morning accompanied by matcha latte. tried to order dufan tickets and i couldnt find my damn ktp...... fell asleep after worrying about said ktp

4 - matcha latte in the car, swab at lmk, went to dufan by tj with willy, had quite some funn with atikah nila willy amel pupuy. first time trying kereta misteri, quite fun. it rained after ashar so we didnt ride anything after that. turns out my ktp was at barel’s fotocopy lmaoo thankyou ara for picking it. went to solaria ancol afterwards, picked up by mom. i didnt tell her in the morning that i was going to dufan lmao. plenary @ zoom 19 pm. rapat nemo. fell asleep.

5 - went to lmk by tj to surprise clara. went back home and fell asleep. didnt rly do anything afterwards because this ragged body gets tired easily and i dont eat much recently. i can feel the difference before and after eating and there’s actual energy after eating. its not that im hungry though, but i feel less energized. felt annoyed terrible and just wanna lay in bed (this is unrelated with the less food in my system). even though i met up with friends

6 - after LOTS of sleeping i feel somehow better but not to a ‘normal’ amount. watched kimbab family videos. did power vinyasa by doogether with fianti. took a shower and ate indomie and i felt quite normal, except i slept again wtf. i thought i would have the second half of the day but nah. did self tryouts with fianti, 150 FDI questions. I got 96/150 right. huft. such a great reality check

7 - poli lansia with dokter isip, matcha latte in the afternoon rly helps me not sleeping the day away, packed up for depok

8 - poli umum with dr gita (helped doing phys exam), packed the rest of my stuff, ate some risol and matcha lattteee in the car, took swab results, picked up hazmats etc, zoom discussion with FT PKM Kalideres (dr gita) on the way, and i finally arrived at tamel. dinner is granola with vsoy. Taste like a slightly wet granola bar, nutty fiber-y vibe

9 - walked in ui with ara, managed to jog from the trees near st ui until kuburan bikun wow. i reached that point where my leg and heart were going in a steady unburdened pace and my willpower to keep going on was tested. tried the signature steak in Double U Steak by Chef Widi, while ara tried ribeye. the ribeye was more tender than the signature. but the seasoning in the signature is quite delish, salty and oily without being too much (like futago ya). read poppyland fast pass from ara’s phone omg season 1 is finally complete! went to coftof (omgggg i miss this place), it looks different now. ordered matcha latte and it tasted weirdly like a soy milk although ara doesnt feel that way. the matcha tasted weird. wont repurchase. read chainsaw man, its so entertaining, funny and deep at the same time. denji mess around and be too naive sometimes but hes lowkey hot lmaooo. aki is lovvvvve.

10 - first day at rsud budhi asih. had moesli combined with granola + vsoy for brekkie. went back to tamel at 3 pm. it rained when i got back. bought warteg lugina worth 32k. walked to sbux for tumbler day its been a while since i had their matcha latte. it tasted quite good, but not as good as i remembered (?) maybe bcs i asked for non fat milk. sbux closes at 8 pm for now hikss

11 - left tamel at about 7:10 and arrived on budhi asih at 08:54 yalll the traffic. Icu. Bought eatlah double and ate the salted egg part. Nap. ICU discussion with dr Dedi @8pm. I presented from my phone to save data hehe,,

12 - woke up at 8, eatlah brown butter for brekkie, symcard, saladstop's caesar salad for lunch (quite 'eneg' because i didnt eat the cheese evenly so the chicken and cheese were eaten last after the vegs are out. The vegetable's not that variative, and the non vegs make the salad taste delicious (albeit maybe not THAT healthy). Evening jog @UI and i realized i can get wifi sitting near the lake n library. Stared at the night sky from my room, i swear the sky seems super clear. Saw tiny fireworks in the distance

13 - ate muesli and saladstop’s banana walnut cake, symcard, bought moon chicken and saladpoint. lunch was egg salad and the wings. the original tasted so good like??? maybe i havent had msg for a while. also tried big bang, not too spicy which is nice. cicil ukmppd. put my laundry at buih barel lmaoo. try out with fianti. got 70/100

14 - breakfast was salad and leftover chicken. today was bangsal with angga armand. the geriatric patient has a loud murmur yall (and scoliosis, so much that the heart looks distorted). went to margo city to see sales, but when i think about it id rather just thrift stuff lmao. bought lugina. slept through kuliah guru besar. writing this in yellow truck coffee, that had 2 customers on the 1st floor including me. tried banana milk. yall after trying to drink less sugar the beverage tasted super sweet. my headache just goes away. sugar is magic but unhealthy whyyyyy.

15 - igd siang with indah. This body sure is frail. Did cbd with dr afifah AND rescheduled pleno. Rip mobile data i have to use for hotspot.

16 - ok today. Inserted goedel and did bagging. I bagged the patient the wrong way at first (too much). Thankfully the nurses were kind and taught us a lot :) watched some bts content. I feel like after reading househusband my tiktok page is now immensely funnier. Dalbang is also hilarious as always. Put on ginseng sheet mask (smells quite strong)

17 - bangsal. snacked on fried chicken. matcha latte starbucks (turns out its quite full here) and liqo about keeping our tongues in check

18 - arrived at icu. And then opened line. Turns out hadin's swab is positive, so agung kak iman and me have to isolate and swab. So i went back. Ordered kanayam chicken and fish and tempe. Nasi liwet tasted goood damn. Sleptt in the afternoon. Pleno at 4 pm (entered the room 4:30). Had no motivation to do anything. Azkia is getting married! Spent 20 mins formulating words to congratulate her lmaoo

19 - osce simulation, kak nanu was so kind and encouraging. Did try out solid. Lunch is fish bite pasta with melted cheese (cause i had to reach the minimum amount for promo). It got cold so its not that good (pairing it with self made mentai sauce, mixing the mayo and chili, is way much better). Jogged in ui (and searched for wifi). Approached by someone selling haraus coffee (25k), saying that some earnings will be for charity. Its basically sweet. Can barely taste the coffee.

20 - had kanayam for lunch (brekkie is almost always muesli lately). The nasi liwet tasted much better the first time. Walked to yellow truck coffee in the pouring rain. Got banana milk. Saw webinar ksk (electrolyte correction and dr nadhira talkshow). What i got from it is that, dr nadhira is a different person from the first place. Shes visionary, knows what she want and not afraid to reach it. The mindset is different. Even if i try as hard as her, her propensity to growth is different. Cicil ukmppd. Try out with fianti (got 72/100). Talked for an hour about love and marriage and engagements (there are so much of it lately)

21 - leftover kanayam for brekkie, also ate roti salman in cikini st. swab today (met kris, nessa and others). muesli for lunch. i thought my body felt a bit warm, so i decided to find sumn to eat. tried kedai abu bakar’s spaghetti brulee. its okay. maybe because its not too cheesy or meaty, mainly bechamel sauce. the one pupuy made is much tastier. finished the whole 10x20 portion in 2 eating sesh. cicil ukmppd @ bed in the evening (somehow felt refreshed enough to be able to concentrate in bed)

22 - went early to icu to put dops form. lugina for early lunch. i feel like my metabolism is faster? or my body is not so much in calorie deficit mode anymore and it got greedier lmao i used to just ignore hunger but not now, for health. starbiiies tumbler day. ordered black tea latte with non fat milk and vanilla syrup (because raspberry syrup is no more). did cbd geri ppt. 

23 - finally knew the swab result bcs kak iman asked kak farras. thankfully negative. igd with jordi. quite a few chances to do iv line, but i failed 2 times. managed to do iv injection to insert 2 drugs. saw the worst cpr ive ever seen in my life. its too slow, with maximal interruption. fish bite for lunch. wasted the rest of my day

24 - originally intended to run but i cant bring myself out of bed. packed up my stuff. picked up by mom. got the paper result of swab, got ksk from kelvyn @ capitol. can finally drink self-made matcha latte again, but it tasted horrible. i know cy matcha doesnt have that much going on, but even this is low even for them. previously i was starting to get used to the grassy smell.

25 - my lil bro remarked “maybe shes depressed because she doesnt have her chair”. fuck yall. this “depression” that im in is caused by this very place and the people. and im supposed to still muster the strength to study for ukmppd AND get my face together for solid book photoshoot. that shit is too much. this is why the money that goes to cafe, and the bike ride there is worth it for my sanity. after showering, things felt a bit better. had absolutely no will to study today. ate muesli with a bit of matcha latte.

26 - muesli for breakfast. matcha latte is lyfff ive probably said this before but it ~somehow~ makes me feel normal and not in a slump. like im a regular person. with normal moods. and not wanting to sleep all the time. i try to do ukmppd exercises but the pace is so fucking slow, bcs im distracted by get rich haha,,,. the latest potn update (64) is omgggg the mixed feelings? love? hate? anger? everything and nothing? the ~tension and passion~? im obsessed. watched a ton of bts content today and yesterday lmao.

27 - nasi kebuli for brekkie. went to flavola, im the first customer lmao. tried kopi susu coklat, tasted quite close enough to janjiw’s kopi soklat. had the same ~improved mood and concentration~ effect. tried to read ksk. bought milky banana 1L from puyo to give dajen (its his bday yesterday) (i feel prompted (?) to gift people when theyve given a present to me) (because my love lang is not gift giving at all so i barely think abt gifts lmao). talked with sum 33 ipa guys @ dajens house. yay appropriate amount of social battery charging. tryout with fianti, padi this time. got 67/100. 

28 - ate muesli with matcha latte after breakfast. cicil ukmppd. Listened to yoongi's vlive until i fell asleep lol. 2 burger and salad for dinner. omggg hansol revealed his gf. 

29 - spent half of my day tidying up the mess that is my room. figured out what to wear for solid book photoshoot with fianti, ara. matcha latte terosss. phd for dinner. 

30 - breakfast is muesli with cimory choco hazelnut. mom made matcha chocolate brownies. tryna study. slow pace terosss. read some padi materials. dalbang.

31 - bought vsoy low sugar and multigrain. moved my body a bit to youtube videos. showered. felt better. it also rained (which i love). the pleasant mood only lasted til the evening. did nothing from 7pm even though im not sleepy. cant tell when did i start to sleep

and just like that, 2020 kkeut. its sad to say i dont rly remember much remarkable things this year. other than the trip and memories with minor rotation friends. i just remember wasting my life away in my house. i guess that’s the danger of living a monotone life. sometimes you gotta invest some time to have fun, to have motivation to live on and do things. not doing this makes it difficult to live day by day. and friends. meeting friends, seeing new stuff. that helps me live. 

[alotta-lovin]

You and your greaser fish boyfriend for the fall asks please!

vSure thing! you didn’t specify how many so i just kinda went ham on this XD

Who gets excited about Halloween in July:

We honestly both do? like..One of us will get Hyped for Halloween and then it just hypes up the other and its great

Who starts wearing sweaters and scarves on the first day of September and completely overheats:

I do, i wear sweaters all year long but right around the 1st of september i start wearing my bulky sweaters and though he tells i should maybe not wear em’, me being the hard headed stubborn person i am with my sweaters i tell him no and go about my day only to have him carry me around for the rest of the day if we are in public and admit my faults and say ill listen next time though i know i wont and he knows that too.

Who thrives in Fall/Who prefers Summer and warm weather:

Honestly, like im the type of person i adore fall. if i had to pick a season to live in for the rest of my life it would be fall. and Cronus doesn’t mind either or. but he does enjoy the heat far-more than i do? but he also is the type of person when i wanna sit on the porch and cuddle with him watching the leaves fall under a blanket to drag me outside and walk around in the leaves when all i wanna do is cuddle— plus he likes being able to wear his Jackets more in the fall since he wont die of heat in them.

Who thinks the other looks so cute when they’re cold and trying to fight it with 50 sweaters:

Cronus. he is the one to tell me i look cute when my nose, cheeks and ears turn red from the cold and though im wearing a heavy sweater i still chitter cause i have no fucking body heat whats so ever? but honestly he’s so cute when cold. his fins start to noticeably shiver and sinks into his Scarf if he’s wearing one.(Does this answer this part of the question?)

Who offers the other their jacket:

Cronus will offer me his jacket more often than not, but if im wearing like— 3 sweaters like i do when im hella cold and i see that he is freezing his ass off for the sake of being cool ill take off one and throw it at him and if he doesnt take it then i just sorta take it back and throw it at him again until he puts it on???

Who doesn’t want to get out of bed in the morning because it’s too cold and has to run from the warm covers to the shower:

I do– i have no body heat. so when its freezing and our place is almost just as cold as it is outside im the one submerged under all the blankets i pile on the bed. then either i have to run and take a warm shower or Cronus will make me some tea and let me sit in bed and drink it while he crawls back in and cuddles me o v o

Who touches the other with their freezing cold feet at night:

Meee! my feet are fucking ice cubes. you have no idea how many times he’s jumped up from being scared from my cold ass feet only to them turn around and cuddle me so that i warm up so it doesnt happen again.That or he goes and gets a pair of socks and puts them on me and i somehow manage in my sleep to slide them off???

Who makes the hot cider to snuggle under a blanket and drink:

Cronus oddly enough if its Cider. but if its tea then its me.

Who loves carving pumpkins and buys about 300:

….We both do– cause then it results in more house Deco for a lil while if not carved and if we do carve a few to put out on occasion if we wanna we’ll throw the pumpkin guts at the other if we are done and we picked out all the seeds for me to Roast after cleaning. (p.s. im the one that starts the pumpkin gut throwing fights each time.)

Who is terrible at carving pumpkins:

i am– not gonna lie i am. as he’s doing cute lil things over there and is almost done and im still gutting or trying to cut out one eye. This is why im the one who guts them or we both gut them first and then i let him go to town on the pumpkin carving.

Who thinks pulling the pumpkin guts out with their hands is icky:

Cronus honestly– he wears rubber gloves while im the one pulling them out– Why else do you think i start the pumpkin gut fights? its cute to see the shocked look on his face when he realizes what it is.

What is their favourite Fall activity:

Cronus favourite fall activity huh..hmm…Long walks on the rainy days in fall around the Neighborhood or going to a coffee shop with me and sitting by a big window talking among ourselves while watching the leaves and the people walk past from time to time. Both of those or the fact that it’s okay to just stay inside at home and cuddle while watching movies or shows we like.

Who gets scared when they watch Horror movies:

I fukin do. no joke im the one hugging him and hiding my face in his neck as he’s either enjoying the movie or he put it on on purpose for that damn reason so i’d cling to him.

Who hands out candy to trick-or-treaters:

We both do. its a matter of taking turns for us.

Who accidentally scares the kids:

Cronus…he sometimes doesn’t look out the window before opening the door and just kinda scares em on accident.

Who suggested the couples costume:

He does– this motherfucker. omfg. yall know this thing ?? he’s suggested it so much and im just sorta..standing there face palming.

What is their couples costume:

This fucking thing. every time.

What is the best Halloween they ever had:

According to him– it was the first year he was with me. saying that “It wvas honestly the best Hallowveen i’ve evwer had since i wvasn’t  alone and just sitting at home…Plus i had something to look forwvard to. Seeing you.” it was the cheesiest thing ever and it was adorable and i loved it.

What is the worst Halloween they ever had:

He– wont go into it i guess? but i wont push on it if he doesn't wanna talk about it then he doesn't wanna talk about it. and if at some point he does wanna talk about it i’m all ears.

Who eats too much candy and ends up sick the next day:

Cronus. he eats so much candy– and its mostly from the trick-or-treaters bowl too. and its always the chocolate. or some sour candies…

Thank you so much for asking laissezbeean ♥ feel free to ask anything again~!