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kylobith · 2 days

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LotR Week - Day 5 (20th Sep)

Here with me — @lotrweek

All of Rohan stood at the ready in and around Edoras, eager to behold their new king. Everything was prepared and cautiously measured. Banners, flags, food, drink. Hardly any flowers or garlands, but that did not matter to them. The Rohirrim wore their shiniest armour or most fancy dress, their blond heads plaited and adorned with the most intriguing hairstyles for whomever was foreign to Rohirric customs. And there were many who attended from outside the kingdom too.

As Éomer insisted, he would first pay tribute to the funeral mounds of his predecessors, then climb the capital while mounted on his horse, solemnly making his way through his people up to the Golden Hall and his throne, where the crown would be placed upon his brow by his sister. A simple ceremony, despite the symbolism behind it. He was a man of simple taste, like most of his kin. There was no wish for any luxurious display typical of Gondorian events, even though Aragorn’s coronation did impress him greatly.

Éowyn was waiting outside Meduseld by Faramir’s side, dressed in her most formal gown. She nervously fidgeted with the trimming of her sleeve, casting several glances towards the city. She could merely catch a tiny glimpse of the Barrowfield, so crowded were the steps to the Hall. But there was nobody to be seen by the graves. No silhouette, no cloak, nothing.

She let out yet another sigh and flattened her cuff again, realising that she messed it up by tweaking it. Her nerves were getting the best of her.

‘He is late,’ she murmured. ‘I saw that he was clothed on time, so why is he late?’

A hand cupped her shoulder, alleviating some of the weight that she placed upon them.

‘My lady, do not fret so much,’ Faramir whispered to her in his honeyed voice she had learnt to cherish. ‘It is not unusual for ceremonies to run late, either in Rohan or Gondor, I am sure. Whatever is keeping him from the ceremony must be justified.’

Éowyn nibbled on her lower lip, absent-mindedly covering his hand with her own. The warmth of his skin temporarily soothed her, but she could not prevent the whirlwind of possibilities to take over her mind. What if her brother was ill? What if something crucial was missing? What if the blade of his sword had not been polished well enough for his taste? What if he was injured? What if the preparations for the ceremony now seemed too dull to him, and he preferred a Gondorian celebration? What if somebody snuck inside and attacked him?

Another look thrown towards the mounds. Another answerless inquiry.

She shook her head and tugged at her skirt.

‘I must check on him. I just want to make sure that he is alright.’

Before Faramir could seize her hand and hold her back to comfort her, she stormed towards the doors and nodded at the guards to open them. Inside the hall, there were only servants and maids arranging the last details for the coronation, bringing in benches and setting up pelts upon them, as well as on the throne itself. Banners were hung from the lofty arches, bearing the colours of the realm and Éomer’s arms. The mere sight brought some balm to her heart. She could already tell that her brother would be loved by all, as he deserved to be.

But that relied on his presence at the coronation, which was still uncertain. Where could he be? Éowyn searched the kitchens first, wondering whether her brother would feel peckish if he felt anything as nervous as she did. None of the kitchen staff had seen him.

Then, she moved her quest to the King’s Quarters, inspecting the office, the archives, but he kept eluding her. So, as her last resort, she gathered up her skirts and ran towards the royal quarters. As beads of sweat manifested on her forehead and trapped the few flyaway hairs detaching from her hairdo, she nearly sprinted down the corridor to reach Éomer’s door.

When she stood there, she softly knocked but earned no response. Frustrated and stressed from the delay, her fist slammed harder against the wood. Nothing. Yet she would not accept it. She instantly forced the door open and scanned the room. A sniffle from behind the bed caught her attention. She snapped her head towards the source of the noise and followed it.

Huddled up on the floor with his back pressed to the bedframe, Éomer was painfully pressing his knees up to his chest, despite the stiffness of his ceremonial armour. Tears stained his reddened cheek and drowned his unfocused eyes. He looked an utter mess, right when he should not.

Éowyn sank to the floor by his side and held him by the shoulders, trying to bring him to look into her eyes as they bore into him.

‘Éomer, what is happening?’ she whimpered helplessly, taken aback by the alarming sight. ‘Everybody is awaiting your arrival.’

He roughly wiped his cheek, not bothering to look at his sister — or perhaps he felt too ashamed to do it — and sniffed again.

‘I cannot do it, Wyn.’

Her brow furrowed. She could not imagine how her brother, renowned for his bravery and strength of will, would yield to the promise of the throne. Now that their family had been robbed from them, she was most likely the living person who knew him best, and she never had seen him in such a state since the passing of their parents.

She sat down beside him and nudged him with her shoulder.

‘Why is that, Mer?’

He gathered himself up, regaining enough strength to explain his anguish when words so fleeted him. Despite his state, he sensed the urge to spare her from the harshness of what tormented him, in the same way that he had sought to protect her ever since she was born. But there was not much that he could hide from her now. She had eyes, and it was about time that he stopped infantilising her. She had proven herself worthy of the greatest honours; he could no longer confine her to the image of a helpless child.

As if she had ever been that.

‘I never meant for any of this to happen,’ he sighed. ‘Théodred’s passing, the war, our uncle’s passing… I was never educated to become king. I was never taught state affairs. I am a soldier. That is all I have ever been. What legitimacy do I have as a king? I deserve none of it.’

‘Mer…’

Éowyn wrapped her arms around him and laid her head on his shoulder. Oh, how it pained her to see him in such a state. Her thumb traced soft lines on his arm at a soothing pace, helping him relax by the minute.

‘You are underestimating yourself,’ she murmured. ‘You have much to learn, as does every king accessing the throne, but that does not mean that you do not know anything. You were a prince once, before our uncle became king. You received the education of a prince by your old tutor. Surely Théodred spoke to you about some things he learnt. You two were close.’

‘He did, but what legitimacy does it give me?’

‘The blood of the royal house of Rohan flows through your veins as it does through mine. You have spent your youth, your whole life defending the realm. You are a war hero. How would you not be the ruler that our kingdom needs?’

Éomer scoffed and planted a brief kiss on her forearm, clinging to it.

‘We have hardly had any time to mourn Théoden and Théodred. Everything happened so fast… My heart is still aching.’

‘War brought much torment to our family and continues to do so even now that it is over. Do not keep the pain at bay. Embrace it, but acknowledge your duty as well, Éomer. Today is yours to seize as our new king. You can grieve for as long as you need to once the crown has been placed on your head.’

‘Will it not alter my capacities to carry on my responsibilities?’

She shook her head and shifted closer to him. This time, their eyes met, and for the first time since everything went dark for them both, they saw the child within themselves and the other. Two children, almost left to their own devices, alone against a hostile world that threatened to annihilate everything they knew and held dear.

For a long time, they only had each other. Théoden and Théodred, as much as they cherished them, hardly understood the extent of their loss. For years they hid their pain to keep up with their uncle and cousin and accommodate themselves into the new roles bestowed upon them. And when Gríma planted his rotten fangs under the king’s skin and poisoned him, the siblings were alone against the world again.

And they would always find each other in the end. Despite Éomer’s banishment, despite Éowyn’s narrow escape from death.

Éowyn tightened her grip around her older brother. She had too often overlooked the simplicity of a fraternal embrace, words of encouragement towards each other. They mattered now. More than ever.

‘You will be a just king, Éomer. I just know it. And I believe in you.’

‘But…’

Tears flooded his eyes anew and spilled onto his beard as he let out a gasped and trembled.

‘But you will not see any of it. You will not be around. I am about to lose you too,’ he wept.

‘Lose me?’

He shrugged and clutched her arm.

‘You are leaving for Gondor. You will settle down there, build a family and a life there. Will I even see you again?’

Éowyn’s eyes widened at his words. Never had she imagined that she had caused part of his strife. She had been elated about her engagement, which was to be announced later on during the celebrations, but she had no clue that Éomer would resent it in any way.

Her thumb wiped away his tears.

‘You are not losing me, Mer, nor will you ever. My marriage will never come in the way of our bond, I promise you that. I will visit as often as I am able, and you will know your nieces or nephews. They will know your name and your face, and their eyes will light up with joy whenever your name is mentioned. I will make sure of that. Besides, you will always be welcome in our home.’

‘Do you really mean that?’

She laughed and ran a hand through his hair to tame the knots that he had created by clutching tresses of it when nobody was looking.

‘Of course I do! You are my brother, Mer, and I do not want a life where you are estranged.’

‘Mh.’

At last, he allowed himself to smile, despite the brevity of the display. She grinned and kissed his cheek.

‘I will always be with you,’ she intoned. ‘Today especially. I am here with you, and I have no desire to turn away.’

Éomer sighed and held her against his heart.

‘Here. With me. Alright. Perhaps I can do this.’

They parted and stared at each other for a few seconds, before chuckling together. She stood up and held out her hand.

‘Come on. Your people are waiting.’

He took it without thinking and allowed her to straighten up his appearance. Before they walked out the door, he halted her with a hand on her back.

‘Before we go…’

She looked up at him expectantly, wondering what he had to say. He was never one for emotional or affectionate displays. Éomer inhaled deeply and smiled at his little sister.

‘You look beautiful today. And you will be the most gorgeous bride in history. And I love you.’

#lotrweek #Lord of the Rings #lotr #lotr fanfiction #lotr fanfic #lotr fic #fanfiction #fanfic #fic #Eomer #Éomer #Eomer Eadig #Éomer Éadig #Eowyn #Éowyn #Rohan

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florsial · 3 months

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💌🕊️

What are your thoughts on the popular trend of "do you think we'll be [insert dynamic] in every/other universe/s?" but this time it's Sirius asking Regulus.

What would Reg say? How would Sirius ask it? Why would he ask it?

I’m so mad at myself I had like a whole essay and it WAS DELETED 😭😭 also sorry for the messy format!!

Anyways, I don’t think this type of interaction would ever occur face to face. I think this would only happen post Regulus death. Like Book 5 of Harry Potter when Sirius is stuck in Grimmauld. When Sirius would inevitably stumble upon a portrait of Regulus and finds himself asking “Do you think we would be brothers in every universe?” But in a way more so asking if there is a universe where they are both alive, happy, and together. I don’t think Sirius would ever doubt him and Regulus being family in every universe, it’s jsut a matter of can they be the family they choose in any universe. (Which I have a whole other thought about lol)

He’s asking because if Regulus can’t be in the family Sirius chose for himself in this universe, is there another Regulus can be?

I can’t see this type of interaction happening directly for some reason. Maybe because the question would be meant differently if Sirius directly asked Regulus? But Regulus being dead is such a vital part of why Sirius is asking the question in the first place in my head.

For Regulus’ answer (not like he would ever actually be able to answer it if I’m going along prev paragraphs), either way, is going to be yes.

Regulus will always hold out hope that he can be by Sirius side. Even in the canon universe. I’ve always believed that Regulus retains this possessiveness over Sirius that never fully went away. I mean, that’s his older brother, the person who probably raised him in an environment as hostile as Grimmauld, and the one person Regulus probably felt as if was the only person who truly loved him!! I don’t think Regulus ever fully made peace with not having Sirius in his life! Even after Sirius runs away, they still would’ve seen each in school! In the great hall, hallways, and probably in the quidditch pitch. Regulus had the knowledge that his brother was on the same campus him at all times.

Which makes it even more interesting when you remember he dies at around 17-18 years old, the age he would’ve been in his last year of Hogwarts after Sirius graduates!! Hogwarts is their last connection!! I don’t think Regulus ever fully processed not having Sirius in his life! So yes! He would always answer yes, they would be brothers in every universe, BECAUSE THEY ARE IN HIS HEARTTT!!!!

IM STILL MAD ABOUT THE FACT THAT TUMBLR DELETED MY PREVIOUS ANSWER UGHHHHHH

#they make me ill in the most loving way possible #I’m projecting into regulus so hard actually #SO U KNOW THE FEELS ARE AUTHENTIC‼️‼️#ivan gets the mail #regulus black #sirius black #marauders era #the black brothers #regulus and sirius #regulus arcturus black #sirius orion black #i hope this makes sense #cuz its like 1am and I got too hooked to sleep

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forgotmysword · 2 months

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Sorry to all the girlies mad about the possibility of alicent going to oldtown instead of dragonstone in the finale but im here for the long haul. I want alicent exhausting every last option before going to rhaenyra. I want her as desperate as possible, begging for forgiveness after fully coming to terms with her life and her sacrifices truly being all for nothing. The day her life ended was the day otto had her go comfort viserys. Her and rhaenyra being torn apart was where it all went wrong. But maybe her youngest son, who she didn’t raise, who wasn’t poisoned by her or life in king’s landing, could be the one who saves her.

But he won’t be.

Bc in the end, even in chains, it will be rhaenyra who sets alicent free. It was always going to be rhaenyra.

#where are the real slowburn enthusiasts #of course i would be the happiest girl alive if we got some crazy angsty desperate rhaenicent meeting in the finale but im ok with waiting #and i love seeing alicent with her kids #i cant imagine not seeing alicents relationship with her kids and rhaenyra as the most interesting aspects of the show #must be so fucking boring #the way they are literally setting canon rhaenicent up……#the implications have always been there and always will be and ill eat it up regardless #but the thought of it possibly happening is making me feel insane #the sex needs to be so messy and desperate and hateful and soft and heartbreaking and sexy all at the same time #and olivia and emma could pull it off there is no doubt in my mind. they would make it so delicious #hotd spoilers #hotd #house of the dragon #alicent hightower #rhaenyra targaryen #rhaenicent #my posts

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stellerssong · 6 months

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ok sorry the OTHER thing about lucienne is like. as previously stated she is dream's handpicked emissary from the waking world to the dreaming she's the diplomat in chief she's the translator she's the bridge. because the dreaming is, in a very real way, dream's own psyche, this is tantamount to giving lucienne a tremendous degree of access to his interiority and by transitive property also tantamount to entering into a deeply emotionally intimate relationship with her (unimportant for the purposes of this post whether that relationship is platonic or romantic).

now, in general, looking at the pattern of dream's close emotional relationships—dream doesn't share himself with people as a rule (beyond the access that all things that live have to the dreaming; but i'm talking about his self here, the one he doesn't like to acknowledge he even has), but when he does share with people, it's with people who have some shadow on the soul, so to speak. just looking at attested relationships in show canon, his deepest emotional connection seems to be with death, who embodies the duality of light and dark even better than he does himself. calliope is the muse of epic poetry—heroism and tragedy—and also bears the sort of divine pride that led her to cut dream off for hundreds or thousands of years when he wronged her. the less said about that other guy, the better, but he's no sunshine-rainbows-unicorns type—he's a soldier of fortune, a bandit and a killer, a man who profits from the sale of human life. even best bird matthew, in comix canon, had a sordid past that will maybe be partially retconned for the show but has still been gestured at.

dream likes the complicated ones. he's drawn to them. they speak to something in him that he won't acknowledge in himself (he has to be Whole, fully integrated, without reservation, because he is the king and he is the dreaming and if the dreaming ain't whole then the universe is in trouble—but he feels that ache nonetheless).

all that is to say: when people try to portray lucienne as dream's Designated Well-Adjusted Neurotypical Friend, i begin to harm and maim.

#chatter #as usual there is a larger pattern of behavior around this post that has been making me crazy for some time #it's the ''holder of the braincell'' trope but it's also just like the flattening of female characters of color in every possible dimension #so many people are terrified. TERRIFIED. to imagine a woman of color's pain #because the demands of shallow progressivism are such that they require you to acknowledge that A Black Woman Has Suffered More #Than Anyone Else Ever In The History Of The World Ever; Because Of Racism #but the demands of wider fandom are such that they require you to buy into the concept that A White Man's Suffering #Is The Only Suffering Worthy Of Care Attention Or Interest.#can't handle the dichotomy so instead they create the imago of a Black woman who has never suffered anything ever #she cannot be mentally ill; she cannot be disabled; if she is queer then it is in a way that is wholly self-contained and complete #and not ambiguous or in flux in any way; and most important of ALL she can never have experienced racism.#because racism As We Know is the worst form of suffering. so if she'd suffered racism then that would make her more worthy of #compassion than White Guy No. 37. which must not be #the very idea that lucienne is simply at peace with herself and the dreaming with no further complication.......like!#WOMEN OF COLOR ARE NEVER AFFORDED THAT KIND OF CERTAINTY. ARE YOU STUPID.#and by the way being reserved/calm/unassuming/practical are NOT absolute indicators of mental wellness.#y'all can see this when it's a white guy what is your fucking DAMAGE when it comes to women of color.#OPEN YOUR EYES. USE YOUR POWERS OF DEDUCTIVE REASONING. DREAM DIDN'T CHOOSE HER TO BE HIS THERAPIST.#DREAM CHOSE HER BECAUSE; PRESUMABLY; SHE ACHES. SHE CONTRADICTS. SHE GRAPPLES WITH THE SHADOW ON THE MIND.#SOMETHING IN HIM SEES A KINDRED SOUL IN HER. WAKE UP FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.

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topicaltropic · 3 months

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oops! all wips

#dndads #1st img is morgan . tried to solidify the type of person that would marry glenn & jodie and its like #manic pixie dream girl meets wife under bedsheets. fun loving carefree extremely irresponsible i imagine shes as much a bad mom as glenn is #a bad dad #close family dinner for each day of the week #i imagine its very depressing cool for kids sad for adult/college life meals #i had like a pmv/animatic of tmbg erase to nicks everything but ill never finish it sadge!#comic in the middle i was gonna do like a immediately after the final where willys defeated and schools out for summer norm and scary run #into eachother while theyre walking home #and scary would ask whats wrong and normal would be like #well knowing that the entire world ended because of me has been sort of weighing #on me yeah“ and then scary would go ”normal...do you wish that *was* the reason?“ which would lead normal getting dumbstuck cuz she hits #the nail on the hammer. and then hes incredibly defensive and hes like uh b buh NO !!! MAYBE !!! and scary would share her experience #but itd make normal more resentful cuz hed be like well it all worked out for you in the end with you and your dad and you mom who all love #you. and then scary would get irked and start to call him out but then now that the bottles been uncorked his resentment would start #spilling out.#“you burned my house down! i thought it was *my* family that had the connection with the doodler ! but why- when- ”#and normal would be so frustrated and he couldnt get his words out and hed refuse to look at scary while she looks at him w/ the hardest #look of conflicted sympathy and pain #and all she could say would be stop comparing yourself to me and shed mean that in the most compassionate way possible and norm would just #be like i know #and then the bus would come and scary would have to go but shed look back and then be like “am i still coming over saturday to play #and him busy crying would just give a thumbs up #god now that i write this out maybe i will draw it i have a little bit of time left why not #to me i think scarys someone normal would have the easiest time being mean to #one because of his latent misogyny and this like unconscious superciliousness he holds towards her yet shes the one receiving the #validation he sorely craves and knowing if theres anyone he could talk to and whos understand what hes going through its her so though he #isnt able to be emotionally vulnerable or engage in a deeper level but he does feel comfortable enough to lash out at her #last pic is if nick woke up post doodlerized and found himself on cassandras couch (where the teens placed him) and shes there to greet him

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lesbianraskolnikov · 2 months

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This whole project with crime and punishment 2007 makes me laugh so much. Give a mouse a cookie type of deal. Im going to create better captions for it...okay, ill find higher quality footage without a watermark for a little extra effort. Well...i guess i could upscale it too, and do some editing to make it a little clearer, 1080p.... and i can change the color grading, too...

#floyd.txt #I love this book so much and its a good adaption...#But also the captions take the most effort ahahah #I think no matter what ill find a way to keep it accessible online. Youtube vimeo dailymotion etc #I doubt itll be taken down ive actually seen uploads from almost a decade ago.#But just in case...im...dedicated!#First episode is taking a minute due to certain changes and i was really extra with the opening captions #I synced the fade ins and outs and all of that. Stupidly tedious with preimier pro... blegh #This will come up until its over im sorry this is what im spending part of my nights on. Parts of my day when possible.#All these passion projects...months long projects...this book!!@#The doll does make me laugh too. I always wanted to do this. Im going to make rodya. I love him that much :)#Hes good beginner sewing wise. I helmed everything and what not and had to rough it up lol

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rosicheeks · 2 months

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I hope your days aren't as heavy and dark, I am sending all the positive thoughts your way. You deserve the best, fairy princess. <3

😭

#I’ve been getting such sweet asks #I can’t tell you how much they mean to me right now #unfortunately my days have been pretty dark and overwhelming #struggling more than I ever have before tbh #and I’ve struggled most of my life so that’s saying something #also tried to go on TikTok for a little bit and oh BOY that was a bad decision #I might come back sometime soon #it’s just hard when my meds and everything have been making me very sex repulsed 😬#and half of the posts on my feed are very sexy related lol #so I guess that’s probably the main reason I haven’t been on here as much as I used to #also really don’t have the energy to reply or talk to people anymore #(sorry to anyone who has tried to DM me or contact me in any way -#I’ve barely been able to get out of bed so I definitely don’t have the energy to reply to people)#fun fact I went on TikTok finally cause everyone keeps talking about it #somehow ended up on the abortion debate side of TikTok???? so I kept seeing these bullshit debates #the final straw was the other day I saw some dipshit put as their claim ‘prochoice is a mental illness’#don’t even get me started on that it makes me so made I start to shake #I’m sorry but that is so offensive to people who are struggling with real mental illnesses???#went up as a guest (surprisingly) and was trying to explain how ridiculous that statement was and one of the people literally said #‘this is not a safe space’#lol ok byeeeee #obviously not expecting every where to be a safe space but for someone to literally SAY that is wild to me #I always try to keep a safe space no matter who I’m talking to or what about #that still is bothering me so so much #main reason why I’m still on there is cause I love this creator and want to support her as much as possible #but idk how much longer I can be on there… was even thinking about trying to post and make money over there #but ha ha ha guess not #back to square one #I’m running out of space as always but thank you so so so much for the kind words they mean the world to me!! also FAIRY princess???#I’ve never heard that before 🥹🥹🥹 thank you thank you thank you wishing you a lovely day 🫶

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toastsnaffler · 2 months

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was gonna say smth else but this turned into a vent sorry everyone just ignore. typical weekend post on this blog u know how it is here we go👍

#wild ik so many ppl getting married meanwhile im over here struggling to convince myself my friends even care abt me or want me around #pathetic to admit but i cant even fantasise abt someone loving me bc im too insecure n emotionally unstable #my mind just shoots the idea down like whoa. unrealistic. ur incapable of expressing or receiving affection in any way that matters #no matter how badly u want to... and even if someone did well u wouldnt believe them most of the time #gotta get out of the fucking labyrinth first i couldnt inflict this shit on anyone i cared abt #but it makes me so desperately sad sometimes i dont know how im ever going to get out of this ive been trying for years and years #and im a little better at it snd i dont feel like this all of the time i know it just comes around and itll pass again #but im tired of being in so much emotional pain so frequently. and shouldering it so alone. theres such a disconnect between myself and #others and i dont know how to bridge that i don't know how to stop feeling so isolated and unwanted !!!!!! im trying so hard #it doesnt even bother me w relative strangers in my life like i dont get insecure at all around them i like meeting new ppl #bc theres like. no expectations i guess. like ik they dont care abt me personally and idk them well enough to do that either #and its fun but it doesnt satisfy needs that i have like i need to feel close + connected to ppl i need to care abt them + feel cared for #but as soon as i do start to care abt ppl it gets all tangled and i end up getting rly badly hurt over and over. thru no fault but my own #bc im constantly alienating myself and bc i struggle so much w shit like physical affection which is frustratingly rly critical for me!!!!#it wouldnt fucking matter if i didnt like or want affection ik some ppl are fine without i wish it worked like that for me #but nope instead i have to be constantly messed up over my complete fucking inability to express myself in any form #and ik it makes everyone around me so uncomfortable so it just becomes self reinforcing and eventually they drift and leave me behind #and i just do that over and over and over and every time ill tell myself ill do better ill try harder and itll get easier and someone will #and it happens again and right now im at the stage where the abandonment fear is starting to kick in which is awful n paralysing #and usually a precursor to actually being abandoned ehich is always my own fault bc i start behaving so erratically out of fear or defense #its self fulfilling and im trying. im trying so hard not to let it overwhelm me again and not to start acting out and freaking ppl out #and im coping with it okay i think but just hurts me a lot its all internal my rejection sensitivity is gradually ticking up and up #and argh!!!!!!!!! and some days im okay and some days its like this and i dont know what todo when its like this im so tired and in pain #its not even that bad today tbf. once im done typing this to get it out ill be able to do smth else and distract mysrlf for a bit #and then calling friends later too so exposure therapy innit. but itll be fun and i love them but i will probably also feel very bad after #or even possibly during but thats okay ill still manage fine im not going to let it interfere i dont want it controlling my fucking life #i am going to have a nice time and be okay despite it all. even if i do have to fucking battle this every day forever #and even if it stops me living my life to the extent i want and feeling as ok as i want i just have to come to terms with and be ok w it #and im not going to be!!! a fucking asshole abt it!!! i dont want to hurt anyone else thats the most important thing no matter how i feel #thr rest is all secondary and ik i cant help a few little bumps here and there but trying hardest to keep it separate its not negotiable

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musical-chick-13 · 5 months

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#the PROBLEM is. some properties I like I cannot even talk about my Criticisms™ because if I do it attracts people whose side I am NOT on #like in the case of a certain british procedural show adopting old mystery novels that went on hiatus a lot. I did not like season 4.#but that is not because The Ship didn't go canon and it CERTAINLY wasn't because I never thought any of the show was good in #the first place. and I don't like The Main Ship of the c-chibs era but it's because the way it was written was VERY much not for me.#it's not because I think the whole era is trash (that ship was really the ONLY part of it I didn't like I loved everything else)#I DO have beef with some of the choices in season 8 of The Gritty Deconstruction Fantasy Show but they sure weren't ANY of the issues #that anyone else had!!! and I don't think it retroactively ruined the whole show actually!!!!!#like it's just so frustrating. especially since sometimes I DO want to break down what I consider to be unfortunate writing choices.#and I DO want to complain sometimes! but so much of the discussion around various properties is taken up by me just.#trying to explain that I'm allowed to like it in the first place and defending why I don't think it's Unconditionally Bad #so I can't ever like. for example. discuss the deaths in 8x03 and my issues with THOSE as character endpoints #or why they killed mary and had her husband act terribly to her for no reason just before she died #or how shitty it was in the last era for me to see ANOTHER character be mentally ill but in the most unobtrusive palatable way possible #(and then also make that really weird comment about a previous love interest??? who WAS unpalatable in many ways--though not like.#canonically mentally ill. even if I and many other people are drawn to that interpretation.)#perHAPS I want to talk about my confusion over the story's handling of j/d for reasons that are not 'I hate these characters' or #'that's pRoBLeMaTiC and you shouldn't ship it because that's pRoBLeMaTiC'#maybe I WILL just make a 4-hour video essay unpacking all my Thoughts™ on that show. because people don't have to watch it!#they could just hit the back button!

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mrgaretcarter · 6 months

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I need a pretty significant degree of commonality (both subjective and objective) between characters to ship them and I think that's why it's so hard to find f/f ships that draw me in. It's like people making media want to create the polarity that would usually be there through gender by making these women so starkly different that I just become unable to connect.

#like theres always gotta be either super different personalities or an age gap #or a power imbalance or really different experiences values and circumstances and thats just not what im about #and this isnt to say i would like that type of media to disappear because i know a lot of people enjoy that contrast #im just saying i wish that wasnt sooo much of what we have #like nearly all of it #im saying this because i saw a gifset of portrait of a lady on fire which i love #and is one of the rare instances of wlw media where the romance itself really moved me #and i remembered the céline sciamma quote about how it was important to her to have them be #as equal as she could possibly make them down to the heights #and how thats probably why i was able to connect with it so much #and like i love Carol (2015) Dir. Todd Haynes but I don't ship Carol and Therese!#anyway this is my periodic complaint about the lack of f/f friends to lovers #but like real ones not like headcanon ones although even then for most this would still apply!#ramblings #i could say a lot about how this doesnt plague m/m nearly as much and how it all circles back to misogyny but ill spare myself #but heres the thing ill still go ahead and check out anything with lesbians in it and support it and enjoy it in different ways #so this is not an excuse as to why im not contributing to wlw because i AM out there constantly searching #lest anyone think im doing a thing i hate which is people making up excuses not to care about women

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fabulouslygaybean · 10 months

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why is it always the cutesy pastel sanrio anime blogs that are run by the nastiest fucking human beings

#i cannot stress this enough this is not about my mutuals!! y'all are wonderful and i love you guys #and not all blogs with a pastel theme are shitty obviously. that's pretty clear #but it's a pattern that ive noticed for years and it never fails to make me mad 😭#ill see someone telling some random blogger to kill themselves in the most violent way possible over like. asking a question #and then i check their blog and it looks like i walked into a sanrio store and their three most recent posts are like. all about positivity #it never fails to make me laugh

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helloimapinkfrog · 1 year

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ok so i was reading the mha mangas i have for the first time (they were from a friend) and OH MY GOD

when i watched the first season I was like 12 so ofc i would expect a different experience now compared to the first time, but there is SO MUCH i missed, so much depth I swear (and that's like volumes 1, 2 and 5 only)

i didn't expect it to be much different, i definitely wasn't old and mature enough to understand it all, but idk I was just going INSANE with how my perception on everything changed

and honestly i think thats beautiful!!!! you grow and your knowledge changes, so even when stories stay the same the way you see them also changes yk???

how could i not be intensely amused by my new perspective of the characters and the story? i started reading it to kind of remind myself of how much I love mha and it worked even better than i expected

#not saying the story is perfect ofc #but the flame is def strong again #even if not as much as in the past #ALSO im so mad at 2020 fandom for making me see tododeku in the most inaccurate and weird way possible #they still have my love today but in a VERY different way #(im a multishipper btw!!!)#ALSO THE KIRIBAKU OH MY ILL ALWAYS LOVE THEM #bnha #🌸 frog posts

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queen-beefcake-sqx · 1 year

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me, watching my ex walk away for the thousandth time except in a totally non-permanent way but still mentally super imposing the entire Video Rental scene over it in my head: this is fine this is fine this is fine —

#[throws on the most pretentious clothes possible to lower my PSY stats]#help someone help me balance my stats #to be clear I’m like genuinely fine but the moment of connection was making me insane #because it’s not just about her just like it isn’t just about Dora #It’s about everything and being a product of your environment and being ground down by it #it’s about years of missteps cutting your safety nets before you’re ready for the free fall #it’s about forgetting the context or the intention but remembering the feeling it left you with #it’s about harry using the people he loves to hurt himself #making Jean mad enough to tear him down and using Dora’s likeness to torment himself #it’s about how love did him in #and he killed himself in every way that mattered over it #god.#say more sadie #actually I’ve said enough thanks #sadie has mental illness

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narutomaki · 3 months

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bro like idk why can't I be satisfied being single. I was up until everything felt... not perfect but like. good! excellent! bright and wonderful! and now it's like. OK why am I bothering to wake up in the morning. why an I bothering to eat. why do I bother to brush my hair or shave or wash my face. none of it makes ME feel better about MYSELF.

God. fuck man idk. get me in therapy for the love of God so I can make friends without spiraling for 2 weeks after a really great connection and then cutting all ties and beating myself up about it for the next . 4/5+ years lol.

#like yay yippee i love my friends! we'll be together forever #is alone for 5 minutes with my thoughts.#everyone will leave me everyone is goijg to die i will either have to arrange their funerals myself or not be allowed to have any say what #so ever on their final rights and being friends will not give me the privelege of seeing them on their death bed #and regardless i know i am never the most important person in someones circle of friends. i never will be and i have to accept that.#it just fucking sucks. its not like i can live common law or get married any way. so none of it fucking matters. i just wish #idk. i just want to feel desired i want to feel loved i want to feel wanted in the most uncomplicated way possible. i want to #laugh into someones neck while i ride them and feel SAFE and WANTED and TRUSTED and DESIRED #UNFORTUNATELY. COMMA. I CANT HAVE GOOD THINGS.#idk #maybe i just need more pillows on my bed.#i cant have stuffed animals bcus they creep me out. and make me upset.#idk. ill never be loved the way i want to be loved because i cant fucking let myself be happy. lol.#im going to fucking explode. i hate this body i hate this mind i hate this face and these hands and everything about myself #ill never be able to look in the mirror and see Me #any way.#more pillows and 6mg dose of shrooms all at once would probably fix me.

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apollo-zero-one · 4 months

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One of my cats, the one who is the best natured, the most tolerant and loving, bites my mom. Real, hard biting that breaks skin. He doesn't do this to anyone else in the house. She acts very victimized by it.

But when I ask, were you bothering him? I know you like to annoy the cats on purpose, were you teasing him after he gave you warnings to stop? Were you ignoring boundaries he set? And she'll give the most nonchalant, 'Yeah, probably.'

I'm realizing a lot about my own childhood trauma. I'm remembering, vaguely, distantly, the way I would have my own warnings ignored. I think I remember being overpowered, physically. In good fun! To play, to tickle! Except that I was so so small, and whether I wanted to play was irrelevant. And I was laughing, clearly I liked it! There was nothing I could do once she was playing, so I started avoiding physical play, keeping myself out of positions I could be trapped and tickled as much as I could.

I remember... How important it was to me to speak for my brother. To make sure he was clearly understood. He needs this, he wants that. He doesn't like that.

He doesn't like that. (Please stop doing that to him.) (Please stop doing that to me.)

We both got bigger and were eventually able to defend ourselves. Strong enough to squirm free and crawl away, or to stay curled up in a ball and not have our limbs pulled open and tickle spots revealed. My brother learned that if he gave no reaction, it would bore her until she stopped, and that worked for him. I learned that I had to grab her wrists and physically push her away for her to stop, and that, in combination with avoiding getting into the situation and repeatedly saying while in a safe position I didn't really like to be tickled ('Of course you do, you used to ask me to tickle you as a kid!' maybe sometimes.) finally got her to stop.

We're both big now. She bothers the cats. She likes to touch their noses and whiskers. The girl cats have learned when to walk away from her, they are able enough to squirm and then run. Roman is too big, too out of shape to run, so he's learned that when he has had enough, the only thing she'll listen to is his teeth.

I don't like being touched by strangers. I hate being tickled, it makes me feel out of control, and helpless. I hate feeling helpless.

I love my mother and she never meant any harm. But I am recognizing more and more harm from her as I start to dig deeper into my past and recognize things as trauma that I didn't flag earlier because they didn't sound traumatic. "I was often held down and tickled by my mom as a child" sounds like a cute childhood story. "I was physically overpowered, touched in ways I didn't want to be, had my protests ignored, and made to feel helpless by a parent" has a much different ring to it.

I was also shamed/guilted into having very, very lax physical boundaries. My mother could touch or grab me wherever and whenever she wanted. I was never sexually abused, never, so it has taken me a long time to recognize the situation as traumatizing. My mom jokes that when I started picking my own clothes, I always dressed like a prude, I never wanted even an inch of skin uncovered on my legs or waist and I would make sure to find the right clothes to achieve that. Leggings, all socks, oversized shirts, layers. As soon as I learned I was allowed to wear jeans I started to do so, and to this day Denim feels like armor to me. She's mentioned it's a texture she doesn't like. I wonder if that's related. I wonder if I was always subconsciously (maybe even consciously, I don't remember much of my childhood and I mostly have emotional amnesia about the parts I do remember- as if it was someone else's life I'm remembering) shielding myself from unwanted touches.

#there is a game my mother plays called 'toe rape' where she tries to catch you by suprise when you are lounging on the couch or recliner #without socks on and she tries go to stick as many fingers between your toes as possible before you physically stop her.#Saying or even shouting 'no!' and 'stop!' will not get her to stop. She's laughing and playing its a harmless game!#I am rarely if ever found without socks on. I have found myself sitting sockless on the couch and when she arrives home gotten up to go put #socks on. I tend to sit on couches with my feet tucked under me and it isn't always comfortable but it feels secure.#I wonder why.#Whenever im home Roman likes to sit on my lap. I pet him and never mess with his nose or whiskers. She says he likes me so much more than #her. She says it jealously. Multiple people in this household have told her its because I don't annoy him on purpose (most of the time.)#i have tried to point out his tells to her. His warnings. When to stop. But she doesn't care. She thinks messing with him and watching him #get increasingly worked up and agitated is funny. Until he bites her. And then she pushes him away all offended and complains.#mom he didn't want to be pushed away he was happy cuddled on your lap he loves you. He just wants you to stop touching him there. He just #wants you to respect his boundaries.#Her husband is the most common target of 'toe rape' and I recognize his yelling and swearing as genuine protesation when she does. I dont #know if she recognizes it too and just thinks it's funny to cross what she surely considers a harmless boundary anyway... or if she thinks #he is playing too. I feel inclined toward the former unfortunately.#And it isn't like she likes to be touched these ways either! And she is firm in those boundaries while making the rest of us feel like we #can't be. ...I don't know. I'm just. Thinking about stuff. Reframing somr childhood memories.#trauma #mental health #mental illness #childhood trauma #atypical trauma

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