#there was so so much more that i know i cant remember enough about
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oh yeah, i had another like...full-length series dream a few days back. i really liked it so i thought about it a long time so i wouldnt forget it all but it was really really long so naturally i dont remember the whole thing. literally, it couldve had a full season of episodes or something. watching All of Us Are Dead reminded me
lets see how much i remember
dream sequence under the cut
i honestly dont remember the very beginning and the dream was laid out very much like a tv show, with details about the start getting revealed way after the fact
but it took place in a large city. a city that grew upward.
one day, an infection started spreading. a zombie-like infection. people tried to escape, but very few could actually make it out of the boundary of the city. people died in droves. absolute carnage as far as the eye could see.
i managed to survive. picking my way through buildings, trying to avoid detection, i somehow made it through the first major wave. at this point, the government had managed to barricade all the entry and exit points to the city. escape was no longer possible.
there were no connections to the outside world. networks were down, though electricity remained in some places.
i came across other survivors and we stuck together, just trying to survive. over time, it nearly became routine. until the helicopter started coming.
thinking it was salvation, survivors rushed to flag the helicopter down, but the helicopter merely dropped some things and left again. the drops typically contained some supplies, some food, some medicine, occasionally a weapon, but sometimes they were completely empty.
once, when some survivors went to greet the helicopter, a hail of bullets greeted them. trust in the helicopter fell further.
my group found a convenience store that hadnt been pillaged or damaged yet and we made a base there. it was so bright inside and the temperature was cool and unchanging. there was a sense of normalcy as myself and another girl contemplated which pasta salad to eat.
one of our guys, a real techno whiz, got to work with the registers computer, trying to see if he could contact the outside world. there were some surveillance files on it. camera footage. he found footage dating back to the day it had all started. that day there had been a network outage. a woman and her daughter had been at the convenience store and when the network went down, the woman had rushed out and left her daughter there. telling her to wait for her to call and tell her it was safe to come home. the girl, already a bit roughed up, paced by the convenience stores phone for hours. the staff tried to fix the phone, but all they could do was wait. the girl rushed out of the store when the screaming started.
there was other camera footage as well. security cameras within the store, around the perimeter, and, with some work, we were able to access other cameras along the same network beyond the store.
thats when we found something unexpected.
some of these cameras were in very interesting locations or pointed to very interesting things. like packs of zombies or groups of other survivors. and there was an external connection we could not access.
that was the first night the helicopter came to attack. they opened fire on anything that moved, zombie or otherwise. children, adults, animals, no one was spared. the helicopter began shooting into buildings as well. windows became the enemy.
we started finding camera that looked as though they had been set up recently. or set up hastily on tripods in various places.
fires started taking down buildings where survivors had made their bases, forcing them to run, often times directly into the waiting zombies jaws. or into the waiting helicopters bullets.
pieces started clicking together. the cameras, the lack of outside contact, the helicopter that sometimes helped and sometimes hurt, the herding into deaths jaws. we were being watched and, more importantly, someone was enjoying the show.
upon this revelation, our dwindling group of survivors decided to try and work our way towards the forest on the outskirts of the city.
as we made our way there, a lone helicopter seemed determined to stop us at all costs. luckily for us, a newer member of our group was ex-military and knew more in detail about this helicopter. most importantly, that this was not the average military helicopter, but a special ops one, equipped with heat-seeking missiles. we needed to disable the cameras at all costs. they could track our movements and predict our actions easily.
one large building became a battleground between the helicopter and one of our members. she was somehow faster than the missiles, but the building went down with her in it anyway. our ex-military guy left us, following a hunch, and told us to keep going and he’d rejoin us. he had figured out where the helicopter was landing and got inside.
there was a broadcast station inside, showing all the remaining survivors, showing the hordes of zombies roaming every inch of the city, showing the high fence that had been constructed just outside the city limits, and showing the hundreds of watch towers and armed personnel standing guard around the fence. names and figures scrolled across some screens, blinking out of existence each time another survivor died.
he made his way to the top floor and found the one office in use. someone was on the phone, talking about how it was almost over. the next day, the armed personnel stationed outside the city would storm in and clear the place with force. there would be no survivors.
he recognized this persons voice. it was a general he had once served under in the military. but there was no recognition is his eyes as our guy put two bullets through his brain.
he returned to us to tell us the news. we went back to the building to check for ourselves, but we knew he was right. in the end, our group had 6 survivors in the end, and as we worked our way back through the city, we picked up another 12 people. we told everyone we came across about our grim fate. soldiers would be bursting through the gates and killing everyone. we decided to take our last moments into our own hands.
we made our way back to the forest where we had hoped to stage an escape from. in this forest, there was a river. this river ran deep and strong and eventually dropped over a cliff and into some underground caves. the drop from the cliff was so far, you could only see a sliver of the water at the bottom. after everything we all had been through, everyone was glad to be able to make this last choice. how would you like to die? by rain of bullets or by quietly slipping into the water? we formed roughly two lines so no one would be alone at the end and, two by two, made the jump from the cliff
i watched six people before me before i worked up the nerve to stand at the edge. my partner and i smiled to the other survivors before jumping.
as i fell, i thought, the air is nice and cool here. it’s so much fresher than the air in the city was. i kept my eyes open and watched the water come to meet me. i braced myself for impact, dying like this would hurt, but only for a moment. instead, i felt myself become warm and the world went white. there was no pain, just that feeling of being held. i wondered how long it would take before it was over. had i hit the water and died already? but i was still thinking about how long it was taking, so maybe i had survived and now i was waiting to run out of air. it was quiet and warm and bright and i didnt feel the need to breathe, but i started to get very comfortable and sleepy.
i thought to myself, if i fall asleep, the nightmare is definitely over. and it was so warm and comfortable, like napping in a sunbeam. i could feel my body slipping into sleep, the feeling so slow it almost felt like falling all over again. ah, this is it, i thought, im dying. just another moment and it would be over.
WAIT, i thought. i didnt really want to die. through the bleary sleepiness, i mentally pushed my eyes back open. this is not my end, i thought loudly.
back in the city, the soldiers hunted down every last survivor and executed them. the zombies were left alone. soon there would be nothing left for the zombies to feed on and they would no longer be a threat. there would be incredible research done on these zombies, so much so that the sacrifice of the hundreds of thousands of people in city, while never directly addressed, was appreciated by those who remained. the footage of the survivors struggles was never released to the public and remained in the pockets of the investors who had taken advantage of the situation, though on occasion, a clip would turn up on some shock site. the city never saw human habitation again.
#tw zombies#tw death#like it was a freaking awesome dream#it wasnt like horror movie scary but like action zombie movie scary#like ahhhh is the zombie gonna kill me or will i escape???#but there were no jumpscares or anythng#like i can see some influence from things ive watched recently#influence from dreams ive had in the past#there was so so much more that i know i cant remember enough about#like the story of the girl and her mother in the convenience store#i dont remember why they needed to use the phone in the shop#like it was probably just dream logic but i wish i could remember#and the part with the girl dodging the heat seeking missiles was freaking awesome#but very very much dream logic#she was like rappelling down the side of the building to take out cameras#and like jumping and swinging around the sides to doge the missiles#v v unrealistic xD#but like i also need to know DID I DIE AT THE END??? because i also dont know???#but dying felt like when i was falling asleep into a sleep paralysis episode#very comfortable but somehow also very wrong#like just close your eyes and sleep dont worry about it youll be fine trust me#and ive fallen for that too many times now sooooo#but like just me thinking it wouldnt be enough to offset the physical bodies death right???#ugh i need a sequel#also yeah the understanding a i have is that the zombie outbreak was unintentional#but the opportunity to study the situation and make some cash dollars off the situation was irresistible#the government recognized the threat and cordoned us off#but the rich thought it a fun little game to bet on who would survive#the military wanted to see how those who survive manage to do so in case it happens again in the future#and it was all excused under the guise of science
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I love that no matter how many fucking times alison gestures to exactly where the ghosts are mike will still look up in the air for them. the fact that he makes an attempt to interact directly with them instead of just always looking to alison is so charming. but also adhd king.
#mike cooper my bestie mike cooper#when julian records him talking about the house and he looks up and goes 'thanks julian'#like... he knows that means he's there and he believes enough to interact with them even when alison isnt there#like. he means so much to me#it would be so easy for him as a character to just always be the straight man#and be going along with it for alisons sake but then roll his eyes#but he doesnt!!! he trusts that they're there! he tries to talk to them when she's not there~!!#yeah maybe he's a little bit scared of them at first but then those are his wife's family!#that's his wife's group of friends and he wants to be included!!#he wants to know their inside jokes. he pays attention. he knows which one is which.#when alison says mary is gone he says#'the one that smells like toast and spies on me in the toilet' like. yeah she had more personality than that#but he remembers who she is!!!!!!!!!!#and acknowledges that alison needs to mourn!#i'm gonna sobBB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#bbc ghosts#i cant watch ghosts high i get so emotional
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would i be considered a lunatic if i said that horror's story could be read as a parallel for SA. Hear Me Out: (obviously be careful for reading this bc like,,, sensitive topic)
i feel like the largest parallel could be the actual event of getting his eye taken. a part of his body is "taken" and literally or metaphorically horror was pinned down and forced to give up his body (even worse considering that a literal part of him was PULLED out with a foreign object designed solely to hurt HIM SPECIFICALLY). it's digusting and horror claws and fights his way out to prevent it but unfortunately it still ends up happening no matter what he could've done. no matter how many backup plans or extra contibutions or begging or fighting he did. which like. sounds honestly pretty simple to the reality of victims of SA. that hopelessness of knowing that even if you did as much as you could, covering up, devoting yourself to a life of chastity, not hanging with people like thay, there's still a chance that something bad could happen and all of a sudden everyone's out to get you and how could they just stand by and do NOTHING while you were left to suffer and defend yourself
which leads onto the next point i wanna bring up which is horror's rage immediately after getting his eye stolen. his anger at the betrayal is (very justified my boy did nothing to deserve this) solely about him and his bodily autonomy. undyne (and alphys ig,,,,) couldn't consider ANY other possible solution than to deprive him of his autonomy and decide to just take what they wanted from his body??? AND THE FACT THAT ALPHYS SAID THAT HE MIGHT AGREE TO GIVING UP HIS EYE? it's giving very much so "oh it'll feel good so don't worry" type shit or whatever (horrortale alphys i DONT like you). a betrayal at the hands of someone you trusted a lot about your bodily autonomy? it just gives off that sort of parallel
and the sheer anger and fury that horror felt and enacted on alphys and undyne and everyone else at the CORE just like DUDE. that is a type of anger that only comes out when you've been deeply wronged. sometimes when a horrific experience like getting SAed happens you just wanna explode and drag down everyone around you and ESPECIALLY the perpetrators no matter how much you rationalize. you can have as many people as you want try to convince you that revenge and being hateful isnt the way but it doesn't matter because they havent been wronged the way youve been. horror deserved to be that cruel because undyne and alphys were just as cruel back to him, so he'll be the same and return it 10fold (he probably wasnt even out of bones when he decided to turn them into chips he just wanted to make it a point that he didn't even need to use his full strength to hurt the guards. horror could've EASILY killed alphys but no he wanted it to hurt for her so she could live a life of eternal suffering and fall to her lowest and to ESPECIALLY hurt undyne. because they deserve to suffer just as much as he did if not more for the crime commited against him)
a betrayal as bad as alphys's is only worsened when she tells him that she doesnt regret a single thing about using him for the underground. that has to be the single most infuriating thing for horror to hear because WHAT DO YOU MEAN alphys doesn't regret a thing? that's exactly what some people gloat about after doing terrible things; they try to sweep it under the rug as nothing that bad or justify it OR JUST STRAIGHT UP ADMIT IT!!! nah horrortale alphys deserved to suffer idc
and back onto that feeling of wanting to kick and scream and drag everyone else down with you after being left so used and betrayed due to getting SAed: i know it was bad that horror tricked snowdin into eating humans it was TERRIBLY BAD but really horror was just operating on anger and spite and the need for vengeance. nobody in snowdin ever did anything to hurt him (and i'm sure horror knows that considering he definitely regrets what he did) but to him maybe they also should feel the pain he feels so they can all relate. so that they can't try and fight against him when he says his side of the story and say that undyne was right with what she did. that maybe he wouldn't feel so absolutely devastated after what happened if he saw everyone around him suffering too, and maybe JUST MAYBE he'd get a bit of something back from his sacrifice that he never consented to
i KNOW i'm not reaching with this but idk if i phrased it the best. but to me horror's story really does genuinely parallel to one of an SA survivor's: the betrayal, the anger, the feeling of loneliness and isolation and just feeling absolutely used for a simple thing as your body. chapter 4 of horrortale really is amazing storytelling and so is horror (he was reasonable in what he did IDC WHAT ANYONE SAYS he might be WRONG but it was reasonable. i love horror sans)
#i'm sorry if this is like kinda not srs enough for this topic just know that this came from a place of genuine relation to horror#his story resonates a lot to me about my own personal experiences and the anger and betrayal i felt myself#and i just wanted to point out the similarities i saw 🙁#i think that maybe even without realizing it that he might feel replused at sex and especially the intimacy part#touching his eye socket or head wound is like reliving the entire situation over again and he does NOT WANT THAT AT ALL#its a part of his body that he cant just get rid of because it's necessary which SUCKS#the snarkiness that horror has against undyne even after 7 years is so real#you NEVER forgive your abuser in that situation. i know damn well that the grudge will continue to last on for many more years to come#one day horror and undyne might be able to make up and coexist but horror wont ever be able to TRULY forgive her#a part of you changes viscerally for the worse when you go through something so traumatic#and i think horror's outburst fits that change a lot. it seems almost sudden how quickly he goes from sans to horror#and even though he was still spiralling before the CORE he probably wouldn't have changed so drastically without a betrayal THIS bad#he better get the BEST potential ending in horrortale or else i will RIOT#if aliza doesnt save horrortale and give them all the freedom they DESPERATELY NEED#SAS pls SAS pls don't doom them even more than they already are thats all i need#this metaphor is made even worse with my idea that killer or dust pull him around by the eye or skull#probably not dust (when he's calm (when he's not all boundaries get thrown out the window)#but with killer probably. he doesn't particularly care about what horror wants or keeps to himself#if it gets a barely amusing reaction then sure whatever. horror gets unreasonably pissed anyway for someone who just got his eye taken#in fights they could make it a point to hold onto his skull near the eyewound as tightly as possible#just to make it HURT. dust wants horror to remember him with as much hate as he does for undyne#killer does it to get him to remember that moment except this time no he can't fight back. just to keep him in line#it sucks i know but this trio was never truly made to improve eachother. they were made to drag eachother down worse than they already are#tricule analyze#killer sans#horror sans#dust sans#murder time trio#utmv
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bioware really said "i made this whole ass cool as fuck last second reveal in absolution that gives dreadwolf so much potential, so help me if y'all say dragon age 2 is a bad game that can just be skipped in the triology ONE MORE TIME I WILL SEND MEREDITH TO BEAT YOUR ASS-" and honestly that is so correct of them
#dragon age#dragon age 2#dragon age absolution spoilers#dragon age absolution#da2#daa#when i say i fuckin screamed#leaped out of my chair even#justice for da2 its a great game actually all it needed was more time to make maps more varied and not backtrack so damn much#time the devs did not have. and honestly id take shitty map design over fumbled story any day of the week#im still screaming this series was so good#the ONLY complain is i wish it was a 12 episode series so it could pace itself well enough to keep the non game fans from being lost#i imagine the show is way lesser if you cant remember codex stuff and dialogue bits at drop of the head#how do people who dont know things like who venatori are feel about later episodes???#anyway funky dragon show good had a great time#bringie talks
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"Jason was the happy robin" this, "jason was the angry robin" that. Let's all be fully honest here Jason was the lonely robin
#It gets worse the more i think about it aiguaoughhh#they pretty much retconned the people he was close to before the crisis. he only interacts with dick like once or twice#ive never seen him with barbara#he had no team#in terms of school he had rena(?) and then 3 friends that show up in an annual and never again#and obviously with the whole secret identity it hardly can be a close friendship. esp with how little theyre shown#in terms of super friends he had Danny and Kid Devil. which. one is mentioned off hand and theyre never seen together#and the other is from a short story and never brought up again#alfred has his praises sung but we never really see him connect with jay#all he had was BRUCE. and the only way to ever be with bruce is to be robin#is it really any wonder he chased after his mother? is it any wonder who chose to trust someone he hardly knew?#dc liveblog#jason todd#i feel so bad for him all the time for forever#ive just started reading comics after his death but before his resurrection. the hallucination jason era#and its seems to be shaping up to be with him written as the angry robin who never listened#which i Know is because of the writers. but in universe? it just feels like jason wasnt understood or known at all#doylist vs watsonian moment as they say#dc comics#batman comics#and he became a symbol of failure to batman So Quickly. not a memory but a reminder#and every trophy from his time as robin was taken out of the batcave. and every moment as jason was removed from (at least) bruces room#he was on call/on a list as a backup titan if they needed help but he wasnt With them. they teamed up twice#i cant remember if he meant it towards blood specifically or in general rn but he fully admitted to not being good/experienced enough#they didn't really know him and he didn't really know them#wait fuck was rena all pre-crisis. devastating. he stopped going on patrols n being robin for awhile when she was his gf#of course by then he was already A Hero who cant fully ignore how he can help so he eventually was like yeah we should stop a little#obviously there was that catwoman arc going on and i feel writers just liked keeping him away alot. but ough. he was so quick to stop when#there was someone There. and robin didn't have ti feel like all he had#anyway crisis got rid of her im sure. like harvey. when does 'pre and post crisis' actually start bc its not at the crisis its issues after
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genuinely the moment you find an aesthetic you love and start owning it life gets better
#red is My Colour it’s my thing everyone knows that about me and sometimes I catch myself being like wow this is like actually really lame 😭#bc my hair is red my nails (when i have them done) are red i wear red clothes#and it was always tiny things like that where yeah it’s fun and noticeable but not super in ur face if you don’t know any better#but recently I’ve really been leaning into it like I ordered a red wallet and a red bag AND red sunnies#and i actively choose red whenever colour options are available for day to day stuff#like red perfume instead of the original black one (this is my pride and joy) or dumb shit like getting cherry coke instead of normal#and it’s SO dumb it’s so lame but it brings me so much genuine joy#like i fr feel like a character it’s such a harmless way of making myself happy#AND it makes me happier w how i look bc on top of the red I’ve leaned more into grunge aesthetic lately#bc i used to be too scared to whereas now I’m really enjoying it#like i cant remember the last time i was this comfortable in myself physically and that's kinda a big deal for me#fr find an aesthetic you love and just go with it idc if it’s silly I can’t recommend it enough
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just watched my brother graduate
#he looks so different i havent seen him in YEARS#i was in preschool so i think. 11 years. idk im bad at math#but theres no way i wouldve recognized him if my dad hadnt pointed him out#post posting#told myself i wouldn't be all sad#but yk#cant help but wonder if he cares that we watched#or if his mom even told him#idk shes kinda#yk#i wonder if his mom will show him the video when i graduate#or if he'll even want to watch#ugh this SUCKS#i dont talk about him a lot but its mostly cause my dad doesnt tell me anything about him#i know its his son and he never gets to see him or anything#but hes also my brother#and im old enough to remember knowing him at one point#my other brother isnt#so like. both of them are feeling different things than i am. obviously.#but i cant talk to my friends about it#cause none of them have half siblings and people are SUPER weird about it for some reason#and i mean it just really sucks to have a literal brother who i knew at one point and have good memories with#but also know absolutely nothing about#i mean how can someone know absolutely nothing about their own brother#idk#its not like he knows much about me#hes older so maybe he remembers more#but i DOUBT his mom talks about us#i wonder if he even wants to get to know us
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kagiura akira is SO asexual coded i'm losing my mind
#i've been reading kagihira since i got caught up to sasamiya#and i'm on this chapter where kagi and his friend talk about his idea of romance#and the boy is so confused about everything i related to him so much#like.. having a crush when ur acespec is CONFUSING ASF#bc you cant really grasp the concept of attraction so everytime u talk about ur crush ppl think it must be just platonic love not romantic#and their reaction confuses u even more because you know u feel something but if it’s not the usual crush feeling then what the fuck is it?#i dont know if i'm reading too much into that one scene but GOD IT JUST MAKES SO MUCH SENSE#please i'm begging yall please let him be asexual#also there was a panel where he remembers a past relationship with a girl#and it implies that she broke up w him because she thought their relationship wasnt romantic enough and was more like being just classmates#DO YOU GUYS SEE THE POTENTIAL I'M SEEING#let kagiura akira be asexual. please. i need it for my soul#hirano to kagiura#hirano and kagiura#kagiura akira#hirano taiga#sasaki to miyano#sasamiya#kagihira#hirakagi#asexual#asexuality#headcanons
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there’s a progression in there, somewhere, of even going from ‘the master might kill me any day now :(‘ to ‘the master is going to kill me :) she’s not going to let someone else do it after all this time’
#i wouldn’t call it hubris exactly. more like this pretty secure surity that that’s how they’re going to die.#and to them that makes sense. they chose this. they keep choosing it after the doctor offers them a way out.#because this is. they understand this. and they feel safe in the reprieve before their death.#how do you control death? choose who kills you. the last defense of a prey animal.#something something dark mirror to clara’s ‘i am owed’ speech for even is if this ever. doesn’t work out the way they thought it would.#clara tried to threaten the doctor so that he’d reverse death for her. even would turn on the master if she tried to spare them.#i am owed better. i am owed the death you promised… i am owed the knowledge that you don’t care enough to save me… you know. something like#that.#even is. kind of. meant to mirror the doctor’s companions at the time. they are a martha who can’t leave him. they are a donna who has to#remember and never speak about everything they know. they are clara if during deep breath clara reached back and truly didn’t expect. truly#hoped. that no one would take her hand. because if they can be certain it will happen they can know never to reach again.#jesus christ. go to therapy boy. you have so many trust issues.#but that’s why they’re Like That with the master because at the end of the day. who is easier to rely on? the guy who comes in to put out#fires but only sometimes. or the guy who. really really fucking likes starting fires.#better to get burned hoping someone is coming or get burned knowing that’s what would happen. and even. chooses the latter.#AND ALL OF THIS. for me to say thats why i cant actually let the master ever kill them.#i think she needs to do something worse to even. i think she needs to abandon them.#and that will either set them free to go have healthy normal relationships or. lets be honest much more likely. completely fucking break#them. which would be fun :) for me.#dw oc
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Absolutely love your art. I want to nom it.
Also, Hollow Heads Siblings my beloveds,,,
Theyre the doomed siblings ever its not even funny
#Oouugh i have thoughts abt the hollowhead siblings. How theyre so intricately tied to eachother since their birth but they'd be#Eachother'd downfall. Esp when it's Dark and his relationship with the others#Dark would never understand what chosen went through. Mainly bc i think chosen is used to fighting his internal battles on his own#While he was in captive as an ad blocker. He loves Dark. He's grateful for Dark bc without him he wouldn't be free#But Dark isnt exactly someone reliable enough for Chosen to get the necessary healing he wants and needs#But that won't stop Dark from trying to fix him. Creates the virus for revenge. As chosen watches his brother spiral and spiral#As he watches him drift further away. Unable to get him back without a shouting match. As he watches with his heart heavy and cracked at-#Their stiffed interactions and strained relationship. He can't remember a time where they shared geniune laughs.#Then tsc coming came and changed everything.#Because this is someone who went through Chosen's pain albeit a lil differently. Someone who knows. Someone who /understands/. And this-#Someone is so much more younger than them and had to go through that pain in such a short amount of time since their birth#He sees himself in them. And he's rather walk up to alan demanding to get his hands cuffed than let tsc fester in that pain.#So tsc became chosen's priority. Healed eachother in many ways than one and are at echother's beck and call if need be.#As for Dark. I think he'd manipulate tsc into using him for his revenge. After stalking out his code and finding out about his potential#And TSC cant help but fall for his manipulations. Since this person is very very important to Chosen and they want so badly to impress-#Them both. They agreed and overtime grew to love eachother. And overtime Dark shifted his goals just a tad bit. Getting TSC more and more-#Involved. Since hey if Chosen doesn't like touching alan with a 10 ft pole why not let this kid do. And TCS agrees to this thinking that-#This is it. This is can finally heal them completely. Finally out of sight and out of mind. Finally can't live without the pain lingering#And chosen watches them with a sense of deja vu. At loss at what to do and so so afraid to lose two of his lil siblings#Then shit hits the brick UBSJDBSJSN#They make me so ill im not even kidding when i said theyre so so very very doomed!!!!!!!!!#This is abt the au btw BAHHAHAHABHA
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It's so crazy keeping up with the world(news) these days, the amount of things that have happened in such a short period of time lately. As I drove to school this morning, they discussed the possibility of Iran firing missiles at Israel. As soon as I get in my car to drive home, Iran literally retaliated as soon as I turned the radio on. It's all moving so fast
#i miss my middle eastern politics class#its so crazy to think i took that last semester: oh hopefully itll still be relevant!#and now its getting increasingly more tense and dire and i dont have that class as an outlet anymore :/#it was crazy walking in there twice a week like. uhhhhhhhh so what happened#and back then it felt like a lot and now i cant even imagine what it would be like now#i remember the whole thing w israel attacking tehran happened#that was obviously very we walked into class like okay so what happened this wknd#now that event just feels so idk???? not that bad??? comparatively???#i miss that class bcs i liked hearing my prof's takes on it#bcs we're learning abt all this history/context and its developing in real time irl#so id be interested now what he thinks 😭 cause listening to the news isnt enough to grasp it ig#bcs back when tehran was attacked he was like: ....i dont know what to say#so how about now??????#npr made a timeline of whats happened in the past week or so. so fucking insane#i just cant even imagine how he'd address ALL of this#bcs multiple new developments occur every single day. its so scary#also sry cant keep the politics discussion within its getting so much and i dont know where to talk abt it :/#it was interesting reading on reddit but OMG so horrifically biased i cant touch it anymore#also it drives me a bit crazy that theres so many people who just dont pay attention to it AT all#catie.rambling.txt
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gonna sound dumb for a minute.
actually,,,, i dont think i want to do biology💀😭
#i just read So Much#and i cant remember stuff#and its honestly not even that interesting yet at least#and tbh iregret doing this cause wtf am i even doing brooooooo#self sabotaging max#because even if i somehow pull all my exams off and get this qualifications. im not gonna actually Know the stuff#and okay my point was that even if i do get these qualifications and my grades arent low enough to totally fuck up my scores#then im gonna have to move out. Next Year. i cant do that#i cant adult#how are people my age so Grown. wtf im still 8 istg#i dont wanna move out#im gonna have to just change my plan i wanna live at home until i get kicked out#ueydhshebrhryfhry#hey if all fails i’ll just find something else to do. like work in kindergarddn that education sounds more chill#maybe its not idk im not gonna do that#anyway#i lost my point here idk what i was talking about#oh yeah i think i just dont like school#why cant i just be on my phone and have fun looking at gay stuff and talking to my friends like puhleeasseeeeeeed#do u guys think stay at home malewife that does nothing to help out is a possible option
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for the past couple years ive been slowly. slowly learning beginners japanese and its very fun and im enjoying it a lot but also it has made me painfully aware in ways i wasnt before of how much my specific vaguely ontario accent makes me make out sloppy style with my vowels. i am going at those vowel's tonsils. i am doing things to diphthongs you wouldnt even believe.
#come and meet the letter people. come and visit the familyyy#literally like i dont mind my ontario accent coming through my japanese thats okay BUT i do care about making sure im saying what#im actually trying to say. and sometimes without realizing my vowels have left off somewhere else in the middle of my word#turning it into some manner of other word. i accidentally said picasso bought the mona lisa instead of painted it the other day <3#i dont mind my mistakes but like. i still wanna do my best!!!!#its blowing my mind though. okay as an anglophone here the only way we'll learn anything about our own language is by#1) just having a natural interest in linguistics in general and/or 2) learning a new language#much to my mothers frustration when she came here in the 70s not knowing any english. even the english speakers couldnt help her#BUT luckily i was both interested in linguistics and learning new languages so i got to learn more things after preschool LOL#but like i remember taking french throughout highschool and being like. wait a god damn minute. i understand english grammer now?#it was bizarre. learning japanese phonetics as well has made me realize what on earth i do with my vowels. actually the entire way i talk#i didnt pay much attention to it but in my head i hear everything as my voice but with perfect north american man radio voice pronunciation#which it turns out. is not what my actual voice sounds like. its not even thaaat different its just different Enough. uncanny valley accent#although the reason i specify vaguely with my vaguely ontarian accent is because#in my area half of the native english speakers say stuff one way and the other half a different way. like within the same neighbourhoods#people always giggle at the way i say bagel. in my head i do picture it as bey-gul. but the second it lease my mouth its become BAG-ul#no one in my familiar says it like that. i dont know where it came from. i cant even stop it. im forever BAG-ul. forever.
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God, this is fucking crazy
So i only have 3 more classes to take, but it'll cost the same to take 3 classes as 4 classes. So I've been thinking about taking a 4th class just for the hell of it. Something fun and/or easy.
Out of curiosity, I looked up orchestras. I was in it in my first year, but I haven't consistently played since 2016. But I still dream about being in an orchestra again. I *miss it*. So I was like. Well, what if *that* was my 4th class next semester? What If?
I looked it up. This week is the last week they're doing auditions for it. There was only one more spot free after today. And that's *tomorrow evening*.
I haven't really played my violin much in YEARS. I'm so out of practice. But apparently they don't reject anyone outright. Auditions are just for placement. So worst case scenario, I get placed in an orchestra at a lower skill level than I was at my prime. It'd still be an orchestra.
It's crazy short notice, but I don't think I'd forgive myself if I passed it up. Bc I have just one more semester before I graduate. One last opportunity to be in a school orchestra. And if I didn't do this, I'd be left with that What If forever.
So. Crazy short notice, but I have a violin audition tomorrow!!! Hahahaha
#speculation nation#im literally shaking with nerves rn but i want this so so so badly#i remember. how to play. my arms are just so much stiffer than they used to be. and my nails. man im gonna have to trim my fucking nails#at least my left hand. kinda sucks bc i like the polish i have on rn but u cant have any long nail at all for violin.#i need to play two scales of my choosing. ascending and descending in three octaves.#recommended for violin is A C or E-flat major. of course i know A and C but i'd have to look up E-flat. never did much with flats in school#then again i have that One Two Three and a Half rhythm Down. thats how id often warm myself up.#start with the base G string and just do a scale up and down (one octave). go up to the next note. do it again.#again and again until i started running out of room on the E string. & if i was Real motivated maybe id start shifting to continue.#so all id need to do is find the E flat and id be good. it all follows the same pattern.#the harder challenge will be the solo or etude. 2-3 minutes in length. only *one day* to prepare.#i have NO IDEA what id even play. i'll look in my old sheet music to see if theres anything that might work#simple enough for me to relearn on such short notice. and interesting enough to be played solo#(since i was always in orchestras it's not always the best for solo playing. tho i was also first violin section a lot#which is Basically the same as playing solo lmaooo)#if i cant find anything i do have a few sheet music books i could look in. id hate to play smth too simple#but better simple and Right than trying to do something above my current skill level.#which IRKS ME bc once upon a time i was the 4th best violinist in my high school. out of nearly 2k students.#but thats what happens when u go years without consistent practice :p ur arm gets Stiff.#im. still nervous but also thinking about the music is making me EXCITED.#it's going to be a wild time prepping for this thing but itll be over in like 5 mins and i dont even have to worry about Passing#so long as i *do it* i should get into something. i just need to push myself. do it. get out there. *play your violin*#i already cried in a public bathroom for 10 mins today and im feeling emotional Again.#not quite crying emotional tho thankfully. just. i feel like i need to climb onto a rooftop and SCREAM!!!! but like in a good way.#so so so nervous but itll be so so so worth it. i could be in an orchestra again. finally. finally finally finally.#and i STILL NEED TO FINISH THIS ASSIGNMENT.....!!!! hfkahfks today has been. a DAY.#just. keeps going through my head. i could be in an orchestra again. i could be in an orchestra again. at least one more time.
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sorry i just. need to rant for a second
#cause dude the whole joost situation is SO fucking upsetting#he's mentioned over and over again how overwhelming this whole overnight success thing has been for him and to respect his boundaries#and instead of yk respecting his wishes “fans” go and make things worse by constantly overstepping and being creepy and weird like hello???#like why can't we all just be normal and take a step back and enjoy things#these people are gonna end up driving him off the internet and i wouldn't blame him one bit#and the worst part is the people who should get the memo obviously don't (or refuse to) bc this isn't an isolated instance#like its been going on for a while now#idk man i just think about how hard it must be for him rn#one of the things that turned me into a joost fan (besides his music) was his personality#like i obviously dont know him on a personal basis#but from the little bits ive seen he comes across as a really genuine and sweet and kind dude#super thoughtful as well. like i just love the way he thinks and his take on things#like i remember watching his eurovision interviews and just thinking oh man this dude's a ray of sunshine LMFAO#also the literal definition of resilience like dude's been through so much stuff and hes always managed to come out on top despite of it#and thats something i really admire about him too. like the way he put it as not letting your traumas be just that#but also something that can drive you forward#but yeah dude's had more than enough like he deserves to be happy and have some peace and ppl keep ruining it for him and it makes me upset#like i actually slept like shit last night and woke up feeling terrible and i wonder if what went down yesterday w the whole live thing#has anything to do with it lmfao#and you may be like ok well youre taking it too personally and letting it affect you#and yeah maybe youre right LOL but i cant help it i care about the guy and i want him to be okay#he seems to have a really good support system though so i hope things blow over soon and he can finally have some peace#anyway. rant over! 💋#raquel speaks
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Thinking midnight thoughts.
Thinking I want to go back in time and punch both of my sisters in the face for telling me I was going to die alone at the age of 13 because I wasn't the kind of girl that boys liked.
#it was admittedly a few more things than just that#im just thinking tonight about all the jokes made at my expense#through middle and high school#that i know for a fact neither of them remember#and im still pretty mad about it as an adult#so much of my 20s has been unlearning terrible habits but even more than that#its been trying to convince myself that im not completely unlovable as a person#which is a significantly harder prospect#but god if ever try and actually date i know i have to you know? i have to love myself enough#to set boundaries and not shrink myself and turn off people pleaser npc mode#or else i will die alone you know?#i cant be scared of opening up forever#im not going anywhere with this its just midnight and i am retroactively very mad#my best friend who had to put up with me through covid and one of the top 3 depressive episodes of my life#wouldn't ever say that to me#but heaven forbid i was undiagnosed and mentally ill between the ages of 12-16
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