#therapy with l

[keepingthehopealive]

Therapy updates

I have officially started the termination with L, but we are going slowly which I appreciate and makes it feel a little less real. So we've got as far as going every other week and will go monthly after. I'm not sure how long this will be and I'm letting L kind of chose because it's too hard for me. As I am starting with a new therapist, I feel like I might get to a point where I feel more ready to end with L but I also know it's going to be super hard and painful either way. L has been so good to me for the last 2 years and it's hard to have to go through yet another termination where it is premature, even if I chose it by moving. She is a consistent person in my life and in my weeks and has been there with me through a lot. I so appreciate how she is letting the termination be slow, I know she knows how hard this is for me. We haven't quite discussed it a ton yet, but I imagine over the next few sessions we will.

New therapist B is going well. I've seen her twice and feel very comfortable with her already, I can already feel trust building with her and have taken a lot from the sessions. All good signs. We talked about the blog a bit and I didn't flat out ask her if she's comfortable with it or not, but she also didn't say she wasn't. I think I might ask for more clarification if she's OK with me writing about the sessions, respecting her privacy of course. I don't see why it would be an issue, but given the history I would feel most comfortable asking and making sure it's OK. I've been using my journal a lot to process sessions and already making lists for our appointments which has really helped already (and she accepted openly and encouraged)

She has not made me feel too much with anything that has come up so far. She's also done things already to help me feel comfortable and safe in sessions. She does a couple different modalities of therapy, one of which is Brainspotting, that sounds super interesting and I'm hoping it's something we can do together. It's similar to EMDR (I think the same person?) and is based in mind body connection while processing things (trauma, emotions, past experiences). She already suggested something we could do it with. She also seems very integrated in that she doesn't stick to her modalities alone and is very accepting of everything it seems. So far so good. Which doesn't stop me from having lots of anxieties and fears, but I do also feel lucky to have already pretty easily found someone who I think will be a good fit for me going forward.

[bazpango]

"Ah, do you like me just that little bit more? Are we friends now?"

[captainhysunstuff]

5 more images below the cut:

@lawlightweek2024 Day 3: Sleeping Together/Nightmares

L notices Light fussing in his sleep. He becomes interested, hoping that it could be Kira-related... only to be Light recalling the faux execution that his father and L put him through. Disappointed, L realizes that he's not going to get much work done tonight and lies down on the bed. Light then snuggles up to him, calming down. L allows it.

I'm kind of imagining L acting like a cat that lies beside someone who's upset and allows them to "pet" him rather than directly comforting them (not that he really intended to here).

[applestorms]

almost made a joke earlier that light yagami would pull the “ackshully i’m neurodivergent and also a minor,” card if he had access to current-day internet but had to stop myself because. he would not fucking say that. light yagami would never fucking admit to being neurodivergent. he just can’t do it. he Can’t.

current day AU where light’s school starts running a program to discuss mental health. light listens to all the lectures about the different types of mental illness and goes “damn. that’s so unfortunate for everyone who has to deal with that, i can’t even imagine 😔😔” and everyone claps but then later when they start playing the obligatory “DONT KYS LOOK AT THIS CRYING FAMILY THEY MISS THEIR KID SO MUCH PLS DONT KILL YOURSELF” video he has to excuse himself to cry hysterically in the bathroom for approximately 7.2 minutes before patching up his concealer and sitting back down like nothing is wrong.

[hazyange1s]

and the rest is history 😌

I’ve been wanting to draw this scene forever — it’s one of my personal favorite quests, besides being a catalytic point for Seb and Raegan’s relationship as a whole. I like to think this is the moment they realize that there’s something more than just camaraderie going on here… and that they’d die for each other what who said that

[crimson-nail]

GIVE ME CONTROL OF S2 DONT BE SHY I DONT BITE PUT YOUR FINGERS IN MY ENCLOSURE I DONT BITE

[sticks-and-souls]

Barnes: We call that a “traumatic experience.”

Barnes, turning to George: Not a “bruh moment.”

Barnes, turning to Lucy: Not “it is what it is.”

Barnes, turning to Lockwood: And DEFINITELY not “oof LMAO.”

Insp.

[rawrlight]

(template on pinterest)

[stari-hun]

I’d have so much more sympathy for Kakania if she wasn’t a therapist or overestimated herself so badly. Like I get she’s just a girl to the highest degree but also. So , so many of the problems stemmed from the fact that she decided that she wanted to treat mental health issues while not wanting to be certified. The biggest step in any new field or a new study is setting up your own ethos. Hell, it’s HALF of what Windsong’s character story was about. The lack of credibility and her entire degree and study being ripped from under her led to a total inability to be published or taken seriously. Even if Kakania had succeeded in helping Isolde gain control over her mental health (which she couldn’t have without hypnotism or sealing off her arcanum because the possession is a massive factor in her mental decline), what then? Sure people will have come to her and Kakania would get more patients. But she’s also have to deal with countless people coming to her then giving up immediately because they couldn’t fix her immediately or soothe them. The medical community surely wouldn’t give them any hope. They’d look at Isolde’s case or similar ones and simply call it a result of community support at best or a midwife’s cure at worst. They’d tear apart all of the flaws in her results that Kakania would inevitably have from her total lack of experience in a formal environment and completely discredit her. Kakania’s incident in the start of Book 6 showed that sexism is still very much alive, so on top of being an arcanist when even having arcane blood can lead to immediate disapproval from some, she’d have to deal with doubts purely based on her sex.

In any other field or state of life, you’re 100% the victim even if you accidentally encourage a person’s obsession when you don’t want it. Accidentally exasperating someone’s issues when it isn’t your intention and becoming a victim is never the victims fault. Unless you’re a therapist encouraging a patient to be dependent on you. If Kakania was certified the first thing she’d learn is to be aware of dependency issues because it would be something researchers have seen show physically: people getting dependent on substances or other people to alleviate mental struggles. Also the fact that the Freud study, while from- well from Freud, it would’ve had other people interested as well. The question of if the mind is separate from the brain and self has been going on for years. Is a person their brain? Are you the neurons firing in your head? Are you your thoughts and is your sense of self you? Does your body and physical form also count as apart of oneself? The theories Freud posed that the mind can be ill in more than a physical way would undoubtedly peak the interest of research groups. Even if they hadn’t, I’d Kakania had fought to become certified instead, then she could’ve gone on to start one.

[requinum]

I'm in some kind of mood

[keepingthehopealive]

Updates

Job- going so well. I have a lot to learn, but also have a good basis of skills and knowledge which is allowing me to jump right in. My preceptor has worked there over 30 years so her knowledge is beyond extensive. Everyone has been so nice and I love the patients and their families. I'm definitely where I'm meant to be. I'll write more specifically on my other blog about work though

Fostering this weekend was so nice! It was good for me and for my dog to have another dog around and I know it was good for her to get a break from the shelter. I miss her so much already. Me and the dogs spent time with my cousins this morning, the dogs got to enjoy the nice weather and run around, B (foster) practiced being brave and meeting new people. All around a good day. E is currently catching up on sleep from all the play time. I hope to take her, and other pups out for breaks again, until I'm on nights or find a good fit that can do ok when I'm at work all day with just the walk mid day. B had too much energy so I know in some ways its better than the shelter but still didn't want to do that to her. Once I'm on nights I can take longer term fosters, but in the meantime these slumber pawtys are perfect.

Therapy- had an intake on Friday with a therapist and I thought it went really well. I didn't book another appt yet because I have another intake on Tuesday and therapist 1 (the nature therapist) knew that. Long story short we specifically talked about if she would see me and felt comfortable (I asked) and she said yes and said she would be upfront if that wasn't the case or if I needed more care she would tell me that and get a team for me etc. Then today I get a message that was pretty nonspecific that she's not able to see me, no reason given, just that the level of clinical support I need is outside her practice (what?! I've been doing weekly therapy now for 2 years and have been fine with that). I know it's unreasonable and maybe weird but I am so hurt and confused by it. I'm in a stable place and have been for a while, I'm not overly relying on therapy but benefit from the support. I don't know what I said or did that made her make that decision. I thought it was gonna be a good fit and was excited to work with her because she's different than what I've had in the past. I know I can't get stuck on it and maybe it's not as personal as it feels, but it feels pretty damn awful. And personal. I did message back and nicely asked for more of an explanation but I imagine she won't likely respond. And I know at this point I shouldn't want to see her anyway. It feels like a big rejection and proves that I'm too much and too hard for even a therapist to put up with me. I'm spiraling a lot. I thought this time would be different and that I would be in control of choosing who I want to see and had options (last time I had intense SI and SH and that really limited who would see me outpatient especially)

I'm hoping Tuesdays intake goes well and I've already started looking for other options if I need them. I still will be seeing L too until I settle with a new provider. I sent her an email today because that helps when I'm this upset and triggered. I know I'll find someone to see, I just hate all this so much.

I'm excited to go back to work tomorrow and am just gonna snuggle the pup and try to move on from this situation because I can't do anything to change it.

[lavernius]

Locus and Lopez vs. dehumanization and seeing your own humanity through someone else

AKA 1.5k words worth of me trying to justify a random pairing I've been trying to sell people on for 5 years. Feat. a lot of my own introspection on both characters, CW for mentions of abuse.

It's kind of easy to assume that Locpez as a ship only exists because Locus is one of the few people who understands Lopez and one of even fewer who has had an actual (off-screen) conversation with him with full mutual fluency, especially since they interact directly, like, twice in canon (Objects In Space and the "Holy shit he's bilingual" scene from The Federal Army of Chorus). To be honest, that was my initial reason for shoving them together whenever I got into RVB and there was literally no content for them because no one was really considering them together in any capacity but a brief, funny passing interaction.

I do think language is an inherent motivator in their relationship with each other. It's a catalyst. Spanish, of course, is perhaps the most obvious thing they share--Locus being a Latino man and Lopez being the same in a convoluted and meta-racist metaphor. Beggars, choosers: anyone who knows how I operate knows I lean into reclaiming their depictions for my own brown person machinations. For Lopez it's the beauty of meeting someone who not only understands him, but isn't going to belittle him for the language he speaks or imply it'd be easier if he learned English. Locus will just listen to him talk and respond without commenting on the language barrier; Lopez isn't exotic or abnormal or "broken" for it, he just speaks Spanish, big deal, Locus speaks it too.

For Locus, it leans more toward reminding him of who he used to be when he was a simpler and kinder person. His culture seems like a forgone part of himself in many ways, but even if only because he's so distant from his humanity that he doesn't remember HOW to embrace his culture, or what the point of cultural pride even is. Lopez is like, reverse culture shock for him, where Locus is very familiar with Spanish as a language--grew up with it, learned it young, whatever, he canonically understands it and given he's Latino it's easy to assume it could be his native language--but has divorced himself from it so much to be malleable to his abusers that hearing someone speak it so unabashedly feels new. It's the lack of it that makes it so foreign, but it's so ingrained into him that it's easy for him to just slip back into it.

And Lopez being so stubbornly proud of what he is plays into that language dynamic, yes--now that there's someone who will listen and not judge, he has room to be adamant and own his monolingualism, and having someone as aggressively, straightforwardly prideful as Lopez forces Locus to recognize the beauty in the language too--but it applies on a grander scale, which is what I suppose the point of this post is: Locus and Lopez don't just share Spanish, but also histories of abuse and dehumanization, of being overlooked as living, thinking things in favor of taking advantage of their skills. And the results of this abuse manifest differently in both of them, but they're alike in just enough ways that their differences stimulate each other into bettering themselves and reflecting on what makes them, dramatic pause, human.

Some of Lopez and Locus's defining personality traits to me are their shared low empathy (forcibly learned on both of their parts) and the way they feel so alien in any group they're a part of. They're people with a lot of potential who don't care how others see them (at their worst, especially in Locus's case), but are limited by someone who only sees them for their usefulness (Sarge, Felix) and doesn't truly see them as a person. Lopez may be a Red, but they don't really care about anything he says, so he's just a wrench to them. Locus has Felix, but he doesn't recognize that Felix has one-sided power over him and is keeping him on a short leash; he's a shield and a weapon. They're tools, they don't have feelings, and if they realize as much it's a fault in their programming, they can and have to be steered back into place.

They're reflective of each other in this way. However, they're not identical in disposition: Locus resigns very easily to what he's told to be. He had more hope once, made attempts to be humanitarian, but was swiftly taught that kindness is suicide and that the point is to survive, no matter the cost. It was easy for Felix to take advantage of him by saying they needed each other when Locus was at his worst, because having kindness ripped out of him gave Locus little else to rely on but his hands. Locus has no room for questions, because a rulebook is absolute. It takes a reminder of what he used to be to make him falter, but even when Santa is showing him one of the inciting incidents of his "soldier" mindset, Locus can't stop himself from resigning to the mindlessness that Felix and the UNSC have already taught him.

Lopez feels trapped and is hyper-aware of it. He'll listen, but only because there's nothing else in the world for him. He's subservient but not in the same way Locus is, because he's angry about his situation: he knows it's not fair, but what can he fucking do about it? He was made to be Red Team's mechanic, and every word he says falls on deaf ears. He carries this self-awareness like a shield, like a threat: he could do something, but there's no point because his nature as a robot defines him. All he has is a sharp tongue and his hands, and the Reds only need one of those things from him. He revels in being able to complain and reminds himself that he's meant for something greater, but he's so fatalistic that he won't take action.

The balance comes from this anger. They're so alike in how they see the world and how much life has mistreated them, but they don't fully understand each other despite it. Locus sees Lopez as privileged for having a team because Locus has never had people to belong with, but he doesn't understand that Red Team isn't a safe place for Lopez. Lopez thinks Locus is misguided for letting himself believe he could ever be reduced to a mindless weapon, because Lopez has only ever been an object and Locus can't comprehend what that's really like. They see each other for their imperfections first and foremost and it frustrates them mutually: "You could've fixed this sooner, you could've escaped the grief, why didn't you try?"

It's this back-and-forth that they both need in order to reflect on themselves. They're harsh people who don't want to be coddled and admonished, but they're not making forward motion on their own because they're both stubborn and tend to decathect before they even recognize they CAN feel. They refuse to see themselves as human, but they can only see the humanity in each other, and they're both so alike that it could make them hypocrites. For a robot, Lopez's anger is so potent that it's alive: Locus sees more feeling in him than he's ever felt in his own life. Locus wants to be a weapon so bad, but he doesn't realize an object doesn't have heart the way he does, doesn't mourn the years it spent under someone's thumb, doesn't want to fix itself.

They're both brutally honest and they both need brutal honesty. They get along WELL by nature of being as similar as they are, but they argue so much because they want to understand each other and don't realize they already do. They're mapping details of their reflections. It's great: Locus is so hurt that he can only see the damage he causes, Lopez is difficult to hurt and notoriously good at fixing things. Lopez wants true accountability and retribution and Locus has cultivated complicity and guilt to perfection.

After Felix, Locus needs room to command his own life and put others in place when they overstep his boundaries, but he's scared of becoming Felix, so he also needs an anchor to keep him grounded in reality and reasonable. Lopez has never had real control over his own life before and would kill to have the power to make small choices and do as he wants, but he's a very private person who also needs a lot of space to work. They balance each other out and know the other's limits so well that they can easily go "You're hurting yourself and I'm not going to let you get away with it."

It's about understanding yourself through someone else and vice versa. Realizing that you share so much that if they deserve good, you do too. Reclaiming pain, experiencing freedom, finding support. They will deconstruct each other to the metal and muscles and rebuild one another over and over again, and they'll never get it perfectly right, but they're both going to learn more and more as they go. Flawless navigation of a road you've driven a million times, forward and back, potholes and all.

[pearlcaddy]

– natasha trethewey [in/sp]

[lemme-perish]

Me and my nephew both like Jurassic World Camp Cretaceous but the problem is he’s 5 so he’s like “cool dinosaurs!!! Roarrrrrr!!!!!!!!!”

And I’m 21 so I’m like “these kids are children. And they were in survival mode for SIX MONTHS and were abandoned by society. No one tried looking for them. The only people who gave a shit and had faith they alive were the counselor who knew them for a few days and Darius’s brother. Everyone else just accepted they died and that’s that. They were hunted by dinosaurs and bad humans. Including KENJI’S FATHER. Sammy was pretty much trafficked and blackmailed into being a child spy. If she got caught she probably woulda been killed. By humans not even by the dinosaurs. And that’s not even doing a deep analysis that’s just surface level”

Then I look back at my nephew and just pick out a dinosaur toy and go “Roarr!!! I’m a Baryonyx!!”

[trashhole]

Companion piece to the shut up starscream sketch because starbee are funny and I need them in earthspark

[ragaposts]