#therapy and psychiatric support.

[divinelyjude]

Main blog: hey some stuff that’s not so great is happening haha

Anonymous vent blog: if even one more thing goes wrong I will actually kms at this point.

[doggozila]

(via Types Of Service Dogs: Different Kinds but all in Service - Doggozila Magazine)

[limnologylover]

its actually really refreshing that we have words for autistic behavior now. double edged sword but also i didnt have that growing up and it made life both significantly harder and significantly easier. its really interesting to see how neurodivergency is treated even 10 years ago compared to now and i hope it only gets easier with time to express ourselves with the right language

[coochiequeens]

“Are women in prostitution crash test dummies to be experimented on? […] Are we still human beings [to] the state?” She asked.”

Marylène Lévesque was just 22 years old when she was found stabbed to death in a hotel room in Quebec City, Canada in 2019. Lévesque, who was in the sex industry, had decided to meet Eustachio Gallese, 51, at the hotel instead of at the massage parlor where she typically operated.

Unbeknownst to Lévesque, Gallese was on day parole while serving a life sentence for killing his girlfriend, Chantale Deschesnes in 2004.

Gallese had brutally murdered Deschesnes by bludgeoning her with a hammer and stabbing her repeatedly. After being incarcerated, Gallese began to gradually receive privileges from Canada’s parole board on the basis of “good behavior,” downgrading his risk of reoffending from “high” to “moderate” to “low to moderate.” He was ultimately granted a day parole, the facilitation of which led to Lévesque’s murder.

The case made international headlines after it came to light that Gallese had received express permission from Canadian prison administrators to visit brothels during his day parole, reportedly in order relieve his pent-up sexual tension.

Unfortunately, this case is not isolated.

In Germany, the situation is particularly dire, where women in the sex industry are being used as test subjects for a radical new therapeutic approach to the rehabilitation of convicted rapists.

Often referred to as the “brothel of Europe” for its massive legal prostitution market, there are confirmed cases of men convicted of sexual violence being granted permission to visit brothels with the explicit intention of “accumulating experience with women,” with incidents being recorded in two German states.

In one program, which the Osnabrück Forensic Psychiatric Center has been running since 2001, women in the sex trade were invited to come to the clinic to “aid” convicted rapists in learning about sexual consent. The program has attracted backlash from those concerned with ethics and women’s rights.

Rüdiger Müller-Isberner, former president and current board member of the International Association of Forensic Mental Health Services, condemned the practice as “aberrant” and “morally dubious.” 

Prostitution survivor, PhD student, and anti-sex industry advocate Huschke Mau expressed similar sentiments, questioning the morality of using women involved in the sex industry as guinea pigs for so-called rehabilitation experiments.

“Are women in prostitution crash test dummies to be experimented on? […] Are we still human beings [to] the state?” She asked.

Yet the practice continues, and has far more supporters than one might hope.

Many proponents of the program claim that the men involved in the program are considered to be “low-risk,” and so the risks to the women involved have been accurately assessed. But the claim is dubious at best in light of the Lévesque murder, where Gallese had been determined to be as “low-risk” as an offender can be categorized in the Canadian system. 

Other supporters point to the fact the program is not currently taxpayer funded, with the men who paying out of pocket for the visits. But the most widespread contention that underscores all of the support is the belief that, no matter what a man has done, denying him sex would be an egregious human rights violation. 

“Sexuality is a part of human dignity. […] Even rapists should not be excluded. After all, it is precisely they who must learn the value of consensual sexuality,” wrote legal correspondent and lawyer Christian Rath back in 2011 for the notoriously neoliberal news outlet Taz.

For an industry that has struggled to maintain a façade of decency, rebranding it as a dignified form of “therapy” or “healing” appears to be yet another attempt at normalization. It comes on the heels of years of liberal feminists attempting to assert prostitution is a form of harmless, legitimate employment.

The Federal Association for Erotic and Sexual Services(FAES), an organization that claims that all members are “current or former sex workers” is now calling for prostitution to be included in the global “care revolution,” even bastardizing Marxist theory to claim that the industry can be classed as essential “reproductive work.”

On their website, they’ve issued a statement comparing the supposed healing power of prostitution to the essential services provided by therapists and nurses.

“The emotional work performed in many cases in sex work can be compared […] with that of coaches, therapists, nurses or similar professions, which are performed close to the body and close to people,” FAES declared.

In recent years, this rebranding strategy has been successfully utilized to argue that prostitution for disabled men amounts to necessary therapy, with the care policy spokeswoman of the Green Party arguing in 2017 that the practice should be publicly funded. 

In 2022, a man successfully sued his labor association to pay for his use of prostituted women with a specific “sexual assistant” license after he was in a work-related accident and sustained a disability which he claimed made finding a consensual partner “impossible.”

The decision appeared particularly tone-deaf to many considering already-existing accessibility barriers for persons with disabilities to participate in daily life, but particularly so when noting the high rates of sexual violence committed against disabled women and girls. 

But convicts, rapists, and disabled men aren’t the only ones demanding “sexual therapy” from prostituted women; the trend continues in senior care as well. 

Associations representing elderly men are now arguing for state-funded prostitutes for geriatric male patients with the added promise of supposedly curbing the widespread sexual harassment of female caregivers. 

This phenomenon ties into the “prison sex therapy” programs, as proponents emphasize its need specifically for cognitively impaired convicts.

FAES representative Josefa Nereus argued in 2020 that deploying women in prostitution in experimental “sex therapy” for convicted rapists is morally justifiable, as long as the woman in question is informed about whom she will be seeing. 

Despite her strong support, Nereus, a high-class escort who charges 250 Euro per hour, had admitted that she’s never had to endure a rapist as a “client.” In contrast, the women of Network Ella, Germany’s first organization for prostitution survivors, have recounted the horrors of barely surviving male sex buyers who had violent criminal backgrounds. 

Another prominent defender of the practice is the university educated 500 Euro per hour escort, columnist and sex industry representative Salome Balthus. 

Balthus takes it a step further and argues that prostitution can act as a fantasy service for “ethical” pedophiles who seek out infantilized prostituted women to avoid offending against children. 

Unlike Neurus, Balthus walks the walk. Her pseudonym is based on a painter infamous for portraying prepubescent girls in sexually charged poses. On Twitter, she labels herself a “toy for adults,” and posts illustrations depicting fantasy child sexual abuse. On her website, Balthus emphasizes her childlike stature, describing herself as “child woman,” and a “half-legal fantasy.”

In the 13th century, influential Christian theologian Thomas Aquinas asserted that prostitution was necessary to prevent violence against “civil” women, comparing it to the sewers used to carry dirt out of a palace. 

Then, in the 19th century, phrenologists such as Cesare Lombroso argued that some women were born sexual deviants and thus were perfectly suited for prostitution and the task of absorbing male aggression. This belief continued into the 20th century, bolstered by fascist regimes which consequently instituted brothel networks in all their occupied territories, claiming that this was in order to “protect” the local population.

In the modern age the so-called “sex positivity” movement claims to have moved beyond these ancient misogynistic notions with calls for “equality in the bedroom” and an end to “the orgasm gap.” Yet, their celebration of the sex industry shares a curious amount of similarities with the raging sexists of history they would otherwise oppose association with. 

The belief that a class of women should be readily accessible for purchase by men is not new. But while it was once claimed to be due to women’s natural inferiority, it is now being pushed as a consequence of female empowerment, sexual liberation, and women’s ability to serve the public good by renting their bodies to men “in need.”

Though the rationale has changed, the abuse remains.

By Elly Arrow Elly is a guest writer at Reduxx. She is a vocal advocate for the abolishment of the sex industry, and analyzes the intersecting issues of female poverty, lack of rights for migrant women, intimate partner violence and sexual trauma. Elly is the creator of Die Unsichtbaren Männer (The Invisible Men), a project documenting the attitudes of sex buyers in Germany.

[butts-bouncing-on-the-beltway]

Made a behavioral health appt with a new provider because I'm getting new insurance and can't keep sering my therapist out of network and I needed a new psych anyway, and somehow these people managed to schedule me an intake for literally the day after Christmas?????

Like.....I called this morning..... and they're getting me in DURING A HOLIDAY PERIOD in under a week???? Take the holidays out and that is literally 2 (MAYBE 3) business days.

Color me fuckin impressed.

Like this is so fucking quick that I just assumed until SEVERAL HOURS LATER that the appt must be for Jan 26th because that made more sense. I checked. December. Like damn yall got some efficient intake procedures.

On the other hand, they did hold a brief risk assessment for me on the phone before scheduling and the less flattering (to all involved) option here is that I just scored high enough that they were like "we're slotting this bitch into one of the emergency intake slots"

Hopefully they're just very efficient lmaooooo I don't need yet another phone call letting me know I'm too much of a liability to take on as a patient rn

[petpetisy]

Can a Chihuahua Be a Service Dog in 2024? Shocking Truth and Facts!

In recent years, service dogs have become more recognized and accepted worldwide. These dogs are trained to help people with physical or mental disabilities. They make daily life easier and give their owners more confidence. While big dogs like Golden Retrievers and German Shepherds are often thought of as service dogs, Chihuahuas can also be great at this job. This article will provide the…

[trustbehavioralhealthcareserv]

Telehealth has emerged as a transformative tool in modern healthcare, especially within behavioral health services in Philadelphia, PA. By utilizing digital platforms, telehealth enables individuals to access mental health care from the comfort of their own homes. This approach not only removes the barriers of distance and transportation but also provides a more flexible and convenient way to receive care. The availability of remote consultations ensures that those in need can access timely support, which is critical for maintaining mental well-being.

[mayspicer]

Mmm nothing like a good old full blown panic attack, I haven't had one in years. This time at least I have access to medication to make it stop a lot faster, but I have 6 pills left for the next 2,5 months and the recent trends in my mental state are not looking good.

[tenth-sentence]

I decided to start Marilyn's treatment by inviting her to join an established therapy group where she could find support and acceptance before facing the engine of her distrust, shame, and rage.

"The Body Keeps the Score: Mind, brain and body in the transformation of trauma" - Bessel van der Kolk

[serial-unaliver]

How can narcissistic personalities result from trauma?

While narcissism as a personality trait has existed for a long time, there is an increasing amount of people who associate the term the diagnosis "narcissistic personality disorder". I have put this in quotes because I believe cluster B personality disorders should not exist as diagnoses because they stigmatize maladaptive personality traits developed in response to trauma, and this stigmatization hinders a victim's ability to seek support and advocate for themselves.

I am a child abuse victim diagnosed borderline personality disorder with narcissistic traits and this post is based on a combination of research and personal experience. As mentioned above, I am opposed to referring to victims as narcissists, but for the sake of this post, I'll be using phrasing recognizable to people with misconceptions about the topic. Please bear with me.

Childhood trauma is a common contributing factor in cluster B personality disorders even in the psychiatric diagnosis; however, when most people think of these disorders, they think of an abuser and not a victim, especially in the case of narcissism--after all, the term 'narcissist' is a pejorative with synonyms such as 'conceited' and 'self absorbed'.

In order to grapple with the source of a narcissistic personality developed in response to trauma, you must first be aware of what narcissism in NPD is actually like. These narcissists are not supervillains who successfully gain the love and support of everyone. Narcissism holds you back in life. For example, it makes rejection and criticism especially difficult to deal with, which can make maintaining relationships or even having a consistent career difficult. The confident demeanor of a narcissist--while it lasts until narcissistic collapse--is not genuine self-love. It's a way to mask vulnerability to avoid harm that was inescapable in the past. A narcissist is significantly more self-conscious than the average person, as they must inflate themselves in every scenario in order to feel safe and secure. This is where we can see the internal suffering of a narcissist and how such a personality is, at its core, a defensive reaction to trauma.

But what about entitlement?

"I deserved the pain." Self-blaming response to trauma.

"I deserve better". Healing response to trauma.

"Others deserve worse". Vindictive response to trauma.

While narcissism is associated with the last response, it's entirely possible for narcissists to have escalated from the first, or even cycle between all three. You have to keep in mind a narcissist is not actually in love with themselves--but in order for a person to be entitled, you may be thinking they must see themselves as superior in some way, right? Well, it's more complicated than that. Different responses to trauma can arise depending on the person's life experience, past trauma, and current situation. Interaction with victims that have similar trauma, such as in a group therapy setting, can provoke a narcissist's view on vulnerability. With their perception of the world and human relationships, they may view other victims as weak if they appear to have a more 'sensitive' reaction, because this is the type of reaction narcissists try so badly to hide in themselves in order to avoid potential harm. If a narcissist views an abuse victim--or anyone, really--as 'weak' in comparison, they will feel wounded and experience vindictive jealousy when a person that triggers their vulnerability in some way has successes in life. This is where the sense of entitlement comes in. As a defensive reaction, narcissists try to convince themselves they are in some way more deserving of a better life. "A better life" for a narcissist, as developed through trauma, often involves some sort of power. This can lead to fixation on things like wealth, fame, and material items. Anything to appear 'better'. Anything to appear secure. Any way to feel in control and invincible from abuse.

It's not a sympathetic reaction to trauma, but it is equally painful and damaging as any other. If you are a victim with this sort of behavior, you're not "hopeless" like the internet will tell you. At age 25, I have not intentionally caused anyone pain in 6 years. The vindictive feelings are there, but I choose to back away when I feel I may involve others in my own pain. "I don't deserve it, but neither do you."

[wheelie-sick]

I want to be part of anti-psychiatry but I’m so so so so so scared terrified of loosing access to my therapist and medication. I don’t want my life to go back to how it was before those interventions.

I’ve experienced abuse I understand that the system is broken but I don’t want join a movement that will remove the things keeping me alive

antipsychiatry isn't about taking away support it's about changing to different support where there is no abuse of power. anti-psychiatry acknowledges that people still need support, that you cannot just remove psychiatry, medication, and therapy and abandon all the people who are benefitting from those services.

I'm also someone who doesn't want to go back to life before medication, it has saved my life, but antipsychiatry isn't about taking that away. I'm not the most knowledgeable about alternatives to the psychiatric system but I know they're out there and they're not theoretical. they exist and they work.

[trans-axolotl]

hi! What is peer respite?

hi anon! I love talking about peer respite :D

Peer respite is a community-based alternative to psych wards. They offer 24/7 short term crisis stabilization-usually for around a week to 2 weeks. Unlike psych wards, they are completely voluntary and all the staff are people with experience with mental health/extreme states/being in the mental health system. Staff are extensively trained in peer support and mental health first aid, and oftentimes staff members will have other degrees in mental health or healthcare related fields. Usually, peer respite is in a house and it is a homelike environment where you can leave at any time, can have visitors, can have your phone, and can bring comfort items and preferred activities. At peer respites, there are no restraints used, no strip searches, and no solitary confinement.

Each peer respite is a little different, but I can tell you about one that my friend works at who is a social worker with lived experience of psychosis! When people decide to come to the peer respite, they usually make a plan for how they want their stay there to look like. Peer support workers will lead optional life skills/coping skills groups throughout the week, as well as other group activities for anyone who wants to participate. There is self-advocacy education, crisis planning options, and art wellness activities. Everyone is assigned a personal support worker who they can go to any time they need a check in or one-on-one support. Staff and guests work together to cook meals, and the entire stay is free of cost.

Since peer respite is an alternative to the psychiatric systems, most peer respites do not provide traditional therapy or psychiatric medications. Most peer respites will work with you to set up outpatient therapy services if you're interested, and I know a lot of people who continue to see the outpatient providers that they already have throughout their stay at peer respite.

A lot of people who go to peer respite have really positive experiences, and there's been several studies done looking at the outcome of crisis stays at peer respite. A lot of people speak positively about the homelike environment, being able to get emotional and crisis support without the fear of institutionalization, and being able to have autonomy about what your days look like, what choices you make, and what healing looks like to you. Some people stay at peer respite and are still able to go to school or work for the week while knowing that they have a safer environment to go back to.

Peer respite is not a perfect solution for everyone's experience of crisis. If you need a longer term stay, are looking for immediate clinical therapy, are someone who is searching for immediate medication support, or who needs immediate physical medical care--peer respite might not be able to meet your needs. Each peer respite house is going to be different, have different staff and visitors, and different policies, and some people might just not feel comfortable in a particular peer respite house. It's shitty and I hope this changes, but some peer respite houses are inaccessible, will have policies around drug use that might prevent people from staying, or have policies that prevent people who are homeless from staying. So, peer respite definitely isn't a perfect solution or something that can meet everyone's crisis needs, but is a really cool option that I hope continues to become available in more states.

Here's a directory with links to peer respites in the US, and here's research done about peer respite!

[thusspoketrish]

Hiya, I'm Trish! Below you'll find a list of my completed Drarry fics + a gist of the story + a handful of tags. All of my stories are postwar, EWE, and rated E or M. I will update this list as I complete more stories! Wooo!!!

MOST RECENT FIC:

Netflix and Chills | E | 20K Halloween might be over, but the tricks, treats, and heat between the sheets are just beginning for our favorite dynamic duo! Humor. Post-Second Wizarding War. EWE. Drarry in the Muggle World. Established Relationship. Snarky Draco Malfoy. Muggle Technology. Slice of Life. Humor. Romance. Domestic Fluff. Pop Culture References. Shenanigans. Halloween Night. Netflix and Chill. Banter. Mystery. Idiots in Love. Light Dom/Sub Elements. Dirty Talk. Blue Ball Hell.

Summary: When Draco innocently asks what "Netflix and Chill" means, Harry simply can't pass up the opportunity to impart some knowledge while demonstrating a masterclass in the art of seduction. Now, if only those plans weren't constantly interrupted by trick-or-treaters—some of them far more trick than treat.

The Art of Getting By | E | 149K Recovery fic set in a psychiatric hospital. Mental health Issues. Trauma/Traumatic Experiences. Heavy Angst. Harry and Draco admitted to a psychiatric hospital. Therapy. Fastburn. Co-dependency. Falling in love. Draco's + Harry's POV. Please read warnings. Dead Dove.

This Year's Love| E | 84K. A Drarry slowburn inspired by When Harry Met Sally! Humor. Light Angst. Draco in the Muggle world. Lovable Disaster!Harry. Enemies to Best Friends. Modern Dating. Layabout!Harry. Medical Student!Draco. Draco Dates Zaddies. Harry Is Living His Best Heaux Life. Sex (or no sex!) Positivity. Idiots In Love. So Much Pining. Harry's POV.

Everything That Happens Is From Now On | E | 42K. A sensitive story that explores the aftermath and recovery from a stranger SA. Established relationship. Secrets. Supportive/Loving Partner. RTS. Living Together. Body Positivity. Enthusiastic Consent. Hope. Draco's POV. Please read warnings.

Lemon Colour, Honey Glow | E | 67K. A love story that takes place over a series of unfortunate nights at the Leaky Cauldron. Enemies to Lovers. Falling in Love. Auror!Harry. Potion Master!Draco. Secret Relationship. Emotional Hurt/Comfort. Possessive Harry. Flangst. Beer Gardens. The Leaky Cauldron. The Slytherin Trio. Bullying/Violence. Spoilers Left Untagged.

Super Rich Kids | E | 81K. True crime meets wild government conspiracies when Draco becomes a twisted sort-of Robin Hood, robbing the badly behaving rich to give to...well...you'll have to read the story to find out! Angst. Murders. Coverups. Enemies to Friends to Lovers. Bisexual Draco. Lush descriptions of glamour. Humor. The ULTIMATE Slytherin ensemble. Mental Health Issues. Drug Usage/Addiction. Pureblood Elitism. Social Season. Angst with a Happy Ending. Draco's POV.

On The Last Day | E | 53K. Draco's role as an Unspeakable, Harry's untimely death and ghostly return, and conspiracies bind them in a quest for truth and redemption. Mystery. Angst. Hurt/Comfort. Grief/Mourning. Horror Elements. Science. Neurology/Neuroscience. Slowburn. Memory Loss. Draco's POV.

My Best Friend, the Serial Killer | E | 37K. Ride or Die BFFL Draco finds he's tired of moonlighting as a serial killer's accomplice. No matter how much he loves Pansy, he draws the line at helping her dispose of a sexy, flirty Harry Potter. Dark Humor. Campy/Kitsch Elements. Serial Killer!Pansy. Healer!Draco. Femme Fatale Trope. Falling in Love. Self-Love. Jealousy. Everyone is seriously morally grey. Draco's POV.

A Ferret, a ScarHead, a Weasel, & a Baby | E | 91K. The ultimate bromance takes centre stage (alongside a sweet and tender Drarry romance) in this Three Men & a Baby inspired story! BAMF Auror Draco. Protective Draco. Healer Harry. Capable and Emotionally Intelligent Ron. Illegal Potions Ring. Orphaned Baby. Roommates. Nothing to Something to Everything. Draco's POV.

Seven Days | E | 8K. It takes seven days for the Malfoy-Potter family to unravel. Grief/Mourning. Child Abduction. Death of a Child. Implied Mpreg. Alcohol Relapse. Coming to Terms. Harry's POV. Please Read the Warnings.

Portrait of a Young Girl | M | 8K. Navigating the complexities of love, marriage, and child-rearing, Harry and Draco face a new challenge when they suspect that four-year-old Teddy might be transgender. Married Drarry. Young Couple. Inexperienced Parents. Marital Problems/Disagreements. Stay-at-Home Dad Draco. Fluff. Acceptance. Love. Family. Happy Ending. Harry's POV.

A Day at the Park | M | 6K. Draco discovers that love has its own timing, and sometimes, that means returning to the place where he once lost it all. Estranged couple. Flashbacks. Pining. Postman's Park. Exiled Draco. Draco's POV.

Long for Bliss! | E | 9K. A random night out takes a dark and thrilling turn when Harry, after taking MDMA, encounters Draco Malfoy, looking like something straight out of his wildest dreams – or nightmares. First Time Drug Use. Nightclubs. The Perils of Ennui. Mildly Dubious Consent. Rooftop Sex. Light Dom/Sub Elements. Harry's POV.

Idiot Boys In Love & More | Various Ratings | 18K. Here you'll find a collection of one-shots, drabbles, and poems about Harry and Draco that are all standalone pieces! Each story is centered on a prompt provided by @drarrymicrofic and said prompt will be listed in the summary of each story (Series I completed). Harry + Draco's POV.

[sundropclouds]

No longer scared out of my mind because i am back in the outpatient program i was before with a fresh new three months ahead and art therapy and music therapy in the future oh how i love the public health system

Cant wait to see my peer worker like 'hey girl. Isn't it a wonderful day to have human rights. Let me tell you about my horrible awful week and my vile psychiatrist'

[socialistexan]

Questions for people who oppose gender affirming care for minors, we'll touch on adults later.

"A child can not consent to life changing surgery."

That's true, children can't - and honestly shouldn't be able to - consent to a lot of things. However, medical consent is a very different beast, this consent is gotten from their legal guardian, not the child.

Putting aside that while surgery for a trans minor does happen it is extremely rare, why is this standard only applied trans children and their medical care?

Do you think the 3200 cigender girls ages 13 to 19 who received a breast enhancement in 2020 gave the proper consent? Do you believe the 4700 cis girls in the same age group and time who received breast reduction in 2020 should be barred from that treatment? Why is 230 trans kids receiving a gender affirming surgery not okay, but the others are?

Can a minor consent to any surgery at all? Like, say, knee surgery which has a much higher regret rate than Gender Affirming surgery?

"Puberty Blockers and Hormone Replacement Therapy can have lifelong medical effects!"

So can any medication.

Should children be able to receive chemo? That has lifelong effects. Pain killers, those can be addictive and put your body, especially a child's body, under extreme stress, should children receive that care? Should a child receive psychiatric medication, those absolutely have side effects that could be long lasting? Tylenol can cause stomach bleeds that can have life long effects, should they receive that medication?

I'm allergic to penicillin, does that mean penicillin should be pulled from the shelves? It saves millions of people's lives, but it could kill me, so why would you legislate access away from the millions to accommodate the exception, me?

"What about detransitioners? What if they regret it? What if they realize they haven't

It's terrible that sometimes this happens. It is extraordinarily rare in an already small population, but it does happen. We should love and respect and give support to detransitioners, they have gone through medical trauma and a personal journey that few can relate to. It is awful they have to deal with the potential affects of treatment that they later regreted.

But trans people who went through the wrong puberty also experience these exact issues. Trans women who went through male puberty have deeper voices and all the same issues that a detransitioned cis woman who underwent HRT. And adult trans women who underwent male puberty had no say in whether they went through that, while a detransitioners at least had the opportunity to make a choice. Why do you have sympathy for one of those kinds of women and not the other?

Also, doctors sometimes get things wrong in any kind of medical treatment. Misdiagnosis happens, incorrect treatment happens. Sometimes a doctor is just plain bad or greedy. Does that mean you throw out all access to a form of medical treatment just for a few mistakes and improper treatment?

[froody]

TLDR: do not read a loved one’s diary.

During Hurricane Helene while the power was out, I was rummaging around in the garage looking for rechargeable battery packs. They happened to be housed in a plastic tote with a number of small notebooks. I decided to take the notebooks and look through them while I sat in my car waiting for my phone (and power bank) to charge. They were mostly blank. Some were mine.

One was my mother’s therapy notes from 2016. I should have closed it and put it back when I noticed what it was. I wish I had. I didn’t. I read it. I’m fucking evil. I invaded her privacy and I read it. Most of it was things I knew she had thought and felt at the time but something hurt me. She called me selfish and self-centered several times. This wouldn’t bother me if she was calling 2024 me selfish/self-centered but I was a SUICIDAL FIFTEEN YEAR OLD at the time.

I spent the ages 12 to 18 essentially locked in my room. My parents had an extremely toxic relationship and whenever I left my room, I ended up in the middle of their arguments trying to mediate and trying to get my mom to leave my father. When I was 13, I remember her busting down my door to take my phone to call her boyfriend because my father had taken her keys and her phone and she had no way to escape the house because we lived in the middle of nowhere with no neighbors. She left that night and LEFT ME WITH HIM.

I didn’t leave my room because my parents would both get drunk and scream at each other and my dad would PUT HIS HANDS ON HER IN FRONT OF ME.

I begged her to leave him for years. I begged. She kept going back. She finally left him when I was 14 but by then I was already traumatized, actively suicidal and failing school due to the stress at home and my worsening mental health. She was not good with my suicidal ideations and spiraling mental health. She didn’t neglect me medically, I saw several different physiatrists and therapists and was on so many psychiatric medications that I cannot remember what I’ve tried and what worked and what didn’t. But whenever I reached out for help, looked to her for support, told her I was suicidal or too anxious to leave the house, she treated it like it was a manipulation tactic on my part. She treated me not like I was faking for attention but like I was faking to hurt HER. One time, when I was 14, I told her I was contemplating suicide and she DROVE AWAY AND LEFT ME ALONE IN OUR NEW HOUSE.

So I locked myself in my room and essentially greyrocked her. I didn’t listen to her problems anymore. I didn’t tell her my problems anymore. I told my problems to 20 and 30 somethings online on Skype and KIK. And she called me selfish and self-centered because I pulled away.

I understand she was an extremely emotionally injured, traumatized and abused woman but I was an extremely emotionally injured and traumatized child. A 15 year old child. A little boy who couldn’t trust and confide in either of his parents. But to her I was selfish and self-centered. Because I did not want to play psychiatrist anymore.

Our relationship only really improved in senior year/into my adulthood. My mental health improved and I learned to cope a little better. I still keep an element of emotional shallowness between us but we don’t fight anymore. I love my mom. I have no doubt my mom loves me. I just cannot trust her with my mental health. That’s okay.

But reading her therapy notes, which I only saw because my ass was snooping and violated her privacy, reopened some horribly healed wound within me and I’ve felt myself disconnect from her again? I don’t know how to explain it. I felt it but I don’t think I really realized what it was until she broke her foot on my birthday while I was home alone an hour and a half away. It’s like this emptiness. I’m struggling to respond to her texts and show appropriate concern and love and pour from that glass within me. I’ve withdrawn back into that snail shell, back into the safety of my own little sphere. And it shouldn’t be something I take out on her. All because I’m hurt by something she felt/wrote 8 years ago, something deeply personal that she expressed privately to a therapist and in her journal. Something I shouldn’t have read. This is so fucked up. I’m so beyond fucked up. I hate myself.