#then it was me having the time of my life and my dad and uncle trailing behind me barely holding on for dear life
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Hii teecup!! Hope you're doing well!!
May I ask some a/b/o AltDes stuff please (alpha! Altaïr and Omega!Desmond) because there's not much of it out there :'D
Now I'm sure Altaïr would more open minded and much less of an asshole to omegas then most of the people back in his days..... HOWEVER, please hear me out, what if he wasn't
He could be low-key about it, unlike most alphas who are very vocal and open about their 'opinions' on Omegas and such. He's very aloof when it comes to omegas in general, not having strong feelings on anything (very Altaïr behaviour honestly). That is until he meets Desmond.
Now instead of time travel, this time Desmond was born in Altaïr's time. This means Desmond would be raised as a traditional and submissive omega, but he still fought back. He could be born in Alamut (because Eagle of Alamut XD) as the son of the mentor (who is not Diya al-Dīn because he would never) who trained and became an assassin... sort of because idiot bigots.
Desmond is the best assassin in his entire brotherhood, BUT he's not officially an assassin. His father/mentor isn't as strict like most and let him get away with his antics, usually.
That is until Desmond was 'of age' and that's when it starts getting bad for our boy. His dad became more controlling and won't let him sneak off to do missions or fight anymore. He was to be married to whoever the assassins could use as allies. Basically just a bargaining chip. Desmond would fight back harder then ever, even with one of the best assassins guarding him and monitoring his move all the time, he would still be able to sneak off to continue doing missions to make them see just how capable he was.
He could runaway, he probably should runaway, but deep down all he wanted was for his father to love him again. To look at him with pride and treat him like a son again. (Altaïr would use this fact as an advantage later on)
But then it all comes crashing down when he finally gets betrothed. (Idk who he should be betrothed to LMAO it could be whoever. Someone very powerful that the assassins could use)
And all was going to shit for Desmond but it all went to super shit when Altaïr showed up. Because oh boy, Altaïr was a Strom of his own.
Now I honestly don't know how he and Altaïr meets, but it definitely left an impression on Altaïr because he was smitten from the first time they made eye contact. Man was obsessed from here on out kajsksjssoakakak.
And uhh yeah that's all I've got, plot wise
Some notes.
- Desmond pulling all the alpha assholes like catnip.
- Altaïr, manipulating Desmond as a sign of affection
- Malik suffers because we love him <33
Honestly teecup, I just wanted a toxic a/b/o au but it grew plotty legs and ran out of my grasps, my apologies.
And that's all for now!
Sorry in advance if my English is very trying, I'm typing on my phone and it's not the best experience.
PS please make it as toxic and horny as Tumblr allows you to, and I would give you my kidneys.
PPS if you think you know who I am by how I write..... No you don't/lh
As horny and as toxic as Tumblr would allow it? I don’t even know the limit of Tumblr’s tolerance hahahaha
So for this one, if you want Desmond to be born in Alamut as a son of the mentor but not Diya al-Dīn, we can make him the son of an older brother of Diya al-Dīn instead. Born more as a way for the older brother, who was passed over because Diya al-Dīn was more worthy of the title, to try and get power with his son being the next in line for the imam since Diya al-Dīn was still childless at that point.
Diya al-Dīn would be the kind uncle who tried to do right by his nephew but can’t truly intervene because his brother was controlling and had a firm grasp on Desmond’s every day life. It was going well, all things considered.
Desmond wasn’t a genius nor was he inherently talented but he was a hard worker and he always went beyond what was required of him.
His father rewards his hard work by giving him a bit of leeway, all the while making him drink medicinal tea that was meant to change him into an alpha.
It didn’t do anything but hide his scent… which had been easy to do in the first place because those not yet of age only had a hint of scent to show their ‘status’.
Diya al-Dīn tried to be accepting of Desmond’s wish to be an Assassin even if omegas aren’t exactly… well… only omegas that could control their ‘base instinct’ could become Assassins which was hard for an omega without the help of some kind of medicine that would leave them in pain or groggy.
Desmond, unfortunately, is one of the omegas that cannot be medicated. Even if he drank more than he should, that only leaves him in unbearable pain.
That’s why his father pivoted from Desmond becoming the next imam to having some talks with certain powerful rulers. Finding Desmond an alpha that would take him as their official wife or one of his concubine.
His father was less picky of Desmond’s standing and more interested in creating a political bond with a powerful ally (whether he plans to use this to usurp Diya al-Dīn or he simply wants more power outside of the Brotherhood is up for grabs)
And he finally finds one but Desmond would enter into that household as a concubine. His marriage proposition wasn’t a good one all things considered, the alpha was a powerful one but it was well known that his official wife and the older concubines were dangerous. Newer concubines either die from poisoning or accidents or childbirth and, more often than not, their children would not survive more than five summers.
So Desmond escapes. Maybe, just maybe, Diya al-Dīn had a hand in the patrol routes that night and it left certain large windows of opportunity for Desmond to use.
Alamut, of course, will look for him. That’s why Desmond would try to hide from them.
That’s how he meets Altaïr.
He was desperate and his heat was upon him. Altaïr’s scent was overpowering and he could feel it within him that this was an alpha that would fight tooth and nail to keep his omega safe.
He wasn’t a romantic.
He had already accepted the very idea that his alpha would not love him.
He doesn’t need it.
Love did not bring his omega parent any happiness, no matter how overflowing their love for Desmond’s alpha father had been.
What he needed was an alpha who would take care of him and any child he would bear.
So he used his scent to weaken the alpha’s defenses.
It was Desmond who made it impossible for Altaïr to resist.
And so Altaïr claimed him.
.
Unorganized Notes:
Desmond escaped a few weeks after Altaïr killed Rashid but before AC Bloodlines. (So late Sept, early Oct)
He was on his way to Alamut to talk to Diya al-Dīn about being the new mentor (he doesn’t want to be the next mentor) and they actually spent Desmond’s heat in a random abandoned home
Alamut Assassins found them afterwards and, by that point, Desmond was sooo thoroughly claimed that there was no way to say that Altaïr wasn’t his alpha.
This also changed Altaïr’s desire to not be the mentor because the easiest way to keep Desmond by his side is to be the mentor of Masyaf with his marriage to Desmond being a way to ‘mend’ the broken relationship between Alamut and Masyaf.
Desmond’s father was not pleased but fuck him, by law, Desmond was now the property of his mate and Altaïr has no qualms killing the asshole if he doesn’t stop yapping about how he raised Desmond and should have the final say on everything.
He returns to Masyaf and… sorta kicked all the Flowers of Paradise. To be more exact, they were transferred to another part of the fortress while the entirety of Paradise became Desmond’s new home. (Desmond and his most definitely growing child)
That is the second headache Malik got.
The first one was the fact that Altaïr returned with Alamut’s blessing as the mentor (which Altaïr had stressed he would never take) and an omega mate (which he had always said would never happen)
Desmond is free to go anywhere in Masyaf but he will always have guards on him because security reason.
Desmond believes Altaïr’s affection stemmed from the fact that he did more or less coerced Altaïr to biting him during the throes of heat-induced passion so he wants a child to further keep Altaïr ‘happy’ and satisfied (not knowing that the mentor title isn’t passed down from father to son in Masyaf, he honestly believe Altaïr is Rashid’s adopted son)
Altaïr was never fully enthralled during Desmond’s heat. He has been trained to have high tolerance as part of Rashid’s plan to make him the ultimate ‘attack dog’. He marked Desmond fully knowing Desmond was desperate and was trying to ‘seduce’ him.
Honestly, Altaïr just wanted Desmond because his scent had been the sweetest ambrosia he had ever smelled and he believed that meant they were meant to be.
And he will not let anyone get between them, no matter who they may be.
#desmond is being manipulative#it has no effect on altaïr and really#altaïr is manipulating desmond into thinking it does lol#i have no idea if this is toxic enough for you#this has more plot than horns or toxicity#sorry ‘nonny’#i hope you like it anyway#no usual tags because#altdes
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Okay I can't work on it right now but someone please remind me in like a week that I want to make a cria plushie, closer to life size than I usually make my plushies
#my aunt and uncle run an alpaca farm and it's cria season#and they keep posting pictures and they are so ridiculously adorable#I mean technically they are not my aunt and uncle#they are my dad's friends that I (as a small child) unilaterally decided were family#because my uncle is really really good with animals and they always had a bunch#and I loved animals so much as a little kid I was like okay clearly they have to be family#so that I can visit more often and see puppies. the only solution#and then I taught my little brother that they were our aunt and uncle#not really on purpose but also by that time it stuck#and I did get to see the puppies more often!#and now they run a farm! and people bring them rescue animals all the time#I haven't seen them in a few years but last time I was there my uncle walked up to me and handed me a sheep#and then I was just standing there very surprised holding a sheep who was also very surprised#the first time I ever saw a frog in real life (and not at a zoo) was at my aunt and uncle's house#it wasn't their frog it was just a frog chilling on the wall by their door#that's not relevant I just think they are super cool#both frogs and my aunt and uncle
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I don’t often think I’m upset at not having a good relationship with my parents but sometimes it really fucking hits me that I don’t have a good mom I don’t have a dad I’ll never experience having a good parent and someone I can lean on like that and I get… really upset
#I have this coworker who is about my mom’s age#I love her and she’s a wonderful person and she’s such a good parent to her kids#her autistic queer kids and she fights for them and defends them all the time#she values their interests and does things they love with them and supports their choices and jusy#ugh#today she gave me a hug because ‘it’s really seemed like I wasn’t doing okay’#and ‘I’ve been dealing with a lot of hard things and big life changes which she knows is really hard’#and I kinda teared up#my own parents don’t even know about everything that has happened with my roommate or the friends I’ve lost this year#I don’t tell them. and I could but it wouldn’t matter#my mother wouldn’t care. she definitely wouldn’t sympathize or give me a hug over it#she wouldn’t comfort me#my dad my try but he lives thousands of miles away#and I love my dad but I didn’t get to know him until I was 17#I don’t think he’s really like… a dad you know?#he’s more like some weird friend or MAYBE an uncle than anything#which is fine! I think it’s really the best we can do and like I said I do love him and I know he loves me#but it’s still… different than a parent you know?#and sometimes I just ache knowing I don’t get parents…#I don’t get that relationship that so many ppl have that’s so important to them#and it just doesn’t feel fair and makes me feel really sad#I’m glad I’m as independent as I am but even that doesn’t feel fair#I’ve lived on my own since I was 17…. I never should have had to do that anyways….#and I just feel sad because I got a hug from my coworker that made me want to sob#because it’s like damn… is this a teeny tiny taste of what having an actual good mom is like?#I missed out on so much….#kaz rambles
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It's a little funny. I spend so much time compartmentalizing that I convince myself I'm totally fine, of course, all the time.
But when I was filling out the questionnaire before my therapy appointment yesterday, it was like
.... OK yea maybe I have some problems
Also this one 😂😂😂
#speculation nation#it's ok i am now in therapy and we have weekly appointments set up#i havent always had the best experiences with therapy. and by that i mean it has never really been helpful to me#mostly tho bc it's been depression therapists. and i dont actually have depression.#what i DO have is trauma! and barely managed adhd and fibromyalgia.#and especially grief trauma in the past 5 years. oh God do i have grief trauma.#but i searched Specifically for a grief therapist with this. so she should be equipped to properly help me.#ive managed to reach an okay place regarding my old traumas. but this stuff. man it's hard.#i pushed myself to a near panic attack the other day upon realizing the painting i have is an authentic lithograph#& the realization that i am carrying the mantle of several generations of my family now.#most of the generations above me are now dead. so it's up to us to carry on their memories#and i am The One who is unapologetically incredibly tacky. up to me to carry that legacy.#it's pressure. weight that i didnt want. but i dont want to ignore it bc i dont want them to be forgotten.#so im hoping that with therapy. she can help me sort things out so it's less... difficult.#help me remember them without being paralyzed with panic and dread.#and maybe help me with my death paranoia...? 😅 i dont like feeling like anyone in my life could die at any time.#inevitable after my uncle died with only a month's warning and my dad died with barely more than a day's warning.#idk. for someone whose will to live comes from the people i love. it's rather paralyzing.#just gotta cling to the people i have left. and hold them dear.#negative/#kinda but not really. tagging just in case considering the subject matter.#idk im just trying to sort things out. no one goes through this many sudden deaths without a severe complex over it.#but. im in therapy now. and im trying. i am.
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had a funny moment the other day where my wife said "we should maybe buy some powdered milk?" (because it's useful for baking and cooking and when you run out of real milk)
and i said "eughhh, i know it's fine but it reminds me of being very little and very poor," (which is true, i drank it a lot as a kid, takes me directly back to stale-fresh-constant cigarette smoke of my grandparents' house - they're both dead now, crazy - isn't it funny how there's always cigarette money but never milk money?)
and she said "babe, we ARE poor." (and my wife isn't wrong but i don't think it's the same kind. we don't walk to the dollar general for all the groceries we buy. or rely on our twenty-two year old daughter with three jobs to bring us the rest. and she only does that to make sure we feed her toddler that we're watching, because we're the closest thing to free childcare she has access to, even though she wishes her baby wasn't in that smoky smoky falling-down house. but she's poor, because we birthed her poor and raised her poor and gave her nothing but all kinds of hunger. so she'll take what's free and hope we don't leave the baby hungry too. and it's not free cuz the groceries add up. and she'll keep bringing groceries, even after the baby's in school and she's got just the one better job. and daycare those five years might've been cheaper, all told. isn't it funny how there's always so much for an eldest daughter to give you? even when she's a mother too?)
anyways. i know powdered milk is a baking staple and i don't mind it mixed into things but i will never have a glass of powdered milk again. it tastes like marlboro ashes.
#haha this was meant to be a quick funny post about being broke in your twenties#but it turned into reflecting on my childhood and realizing what my mother was doing at my age#and just being angry for her.#some things about my early life i remember fondly - sewing lessons! unlimited computer access from age 3 because i could read!)#i don't mind having grown up poor. i don't. but i fucking. hate being reminded of why things were that way.#cigarettes and weed over food for the kids every time every time. for my aunts and uncles and me too.#were they broke for other reasons? yes of course. of course.#and my mama was poor because she couldn't go to school and had ME. and she carried me and my deadbeat loser ass bio dad for two years#before she found my dad (the good one) and even still. we were hungry for a while.#i don't know how to process the grief of losing my grandmother and reconcile it with my adult view of how she enabled my grandfather#bc it stemmed from him and. and. and im glad he's dead. but he ruined her life.#and they both dragged my mama down and still do.#i don't know. i just don't like powdered milk.#also i don't consider us poor. maybe we are but... eh. i think it's more like broke#broke and poor is two different things
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.
#it was my birthday yesterday#and it was not very nice lol#hardly anyone remembered and said anything#first time in my life not getting a card from my uncle too#my mother also didn't bother to send or leave me a card which... well okay i guess#she has everyone's birthday in her calendar apart from mine and her own (she detests her birthday)#my dad didn't get me anything either but he did buy some food to bbq and spend a few hours with me so that's okay#then i was just gonna chill on my own at home with the cats but my ex fucked that up ofc#then got mad at me for being upset and crying#so yeah yet to have a birthday where i don't end up in tears :')#i hate this so much i want a do-over#i cherish the things i did get i need to see if i can print one of them so i can gaze lovingly at it#but ugh when a server i've been in for over 10 years doesn't even remember... hurts kinda#i don't feel worth much to anyone at all#rhubarb crumbles#i have not been okay lately (well for a while) lol#i also wish i knew what was going on with my uncle#it's been a good few days and my dad hasn't heard anything back#no one's got in touch with him with news either#but my dad said he sounded really bad and - for the first time ever - scared#i don't like not knowing#anyway gonna curl up bc i'm cold and haven't got anything to eat so it's all fun and games#might watch more terror i was doing an armitage watch#which is just watching all the episodes he's in
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hm. my dad is now aware that i have slept over at eriks when i visit him.
#dont love that.#he brought it up bc i have an aunt and uncle in his city and i think he was going to offer to like see if i could stay with them at some#point to visit him#he was like have you thought of visiting erik in (city)? and i was like. yeah#and he was like. have you? and i was like. yeah. and he was like how many times? and i said twice and he was like oh. where did you stay?#and i said. eriks place. and he was like. oh. well you know you have an aunt and uncle there that would let you stay right? and i was like.#yeah i know. and it was in front of my mom and sister and brother in law and HIS sister and everyone was so quiet because they know how my#dad is#and i was like in the process of leaving so i just like said bye to everybody real quick and left so im still like. agh. scawed!#idk why even its not like theres anything he can do to me its just like. god i really want to have peace with him i do not want to ever hav#another lecture from him or get yelled at by him again idk im still scared of that. and he hasnt even met erik yet and probably has a#terrible impression of him now just based off of that even though i am always telling them great stuff about him i dont want HIM to deal#with that especially because i do not think that he would take as much bullshit which he shouldnt have to but god i just have this vision o#my dad like. pulling erik aside for a talk or something if they ever meet and trying to scare him and them getting into an argument bc erik#would stand up for himself#idk who knows if that will happen im literally making up scenarios in my head to scare myself but christ. \#the thing is also at this point in my life i just like. i have to keep moving forward in like. the whole living my life without constantly#thinking about the church's and my dad and the rest of my family's expectations. I have to. I almost lied to him but i didnt and thats#really big progress but im still so scared. but whatever. do it scared. agh!
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there are things abt me that i dont talk about not because im being secretive i either just forget to mention it or think no one wants to hear about it but i think it gives like important context to whats wrong with me 💖
#me when im a child of a messy divorce because my dad has crazy issues that he never got help for so he started self medicating#and dealt with addiction and got to the point of stealing money or trying to return items he never bought to walmart for a refund#and got arrested many times and eventually spent 5 years in prison which literally didnt help at all just gave him more trauma and#caused relationship issues between him and his family which left him without healthy connections and support and#then he got accused of a crime even my mom doesnt believe he did and she'd experienced horrible things from him while they were together#and so he disappeared to run from the police and hes been legally considered a missing person for many years now and it is unknown to#us or any of his family members if hes even still alive out there somewhere and ive had dreams that he comes back and#i wonder if theres something that could be done something that could help him maybe we could never truly be on good terms again but#maybe at least he could have a chance at a decent life even if its away from us#i used to sit on the couch with him and watch nascar and monster trucks when i was little#and i still have some of his nascar novelty items in my desk drawer and the pocket tool that used to be his.#the scars of his tantrums are still in our house the holes he punches in walls covered up with copy paper taped over the wall#and im sure i have the same anger issues or whatever disorders he never got properly diagnosed for because i seem to have inherited everyth#ng from him his eyes his face his hair his anger issues even his handwriting somehow#and he is why im scared of ever doing any drugs because i just know im probably genetically predisposed to addiction just like him#and i dont want that to happen to me#recently i cut my hair and i looked in the mirror and i looked just like him#when i visit my paternal grandparents and aunts and uncles i see the family photos with him hanging on the walls#and i see that large painting that used to be in our house#👍
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What is going onnnn
#logged onto fb today as you do when you enjoy wasting your time#and uh. my brother changed his profile picture. and my other brother LIKED IT#THESE MEN DO NOT KNOW EACH OTHER. the first brother; i have known he existed my entire life#he is my dad’s son from his second marriage. i am from his fourth. which is fine#the second brother; i found out he existed in july#dna website told me he was my uncle but i was like ‘that literally cannot physically be possible’#my dad’s parents were well into their fifties in 1966 and my mom’s parents would not have had a son in 1966 and adopted him out#like what would have been the point. my uncle was already born then and my mom was born a year later#if they’d had a child between those two they simply would’ve kept him#also i looked up this man and was like ‘he looks exactly like my dad in the face’ so that was when i was like. i think i know what happened#here. i think my dad aged 23 cheated on his second wife and did not know that this fling produced a child#so yeah i’ve communicated with my second brother. but i guess he decided to go looking for further answers and added my first brother#which i completely understand because i am a useless person tbh. i’m bad at communicating and i don’t have a lot of information for anybody#like my first brother had our dad for 39 years. i had him for 11. i also don’t have the easiest time talking about him because it was a#traumatic loss for me. so.#like i said i don’t know what they’re talking about if anything. i don’t know if my first brother even knows who this man is. he accepted#the friend request? but that doesn’t mean a lot. maybe they found each other on a different dna site#that would be really funny actually#i hope they’re getting along. i mean they probably are. they’re the same age and actually have some similar interests weirdly#i mean one is into heavy metal and the other is into historical reenactments but they both like dogs and fantasy novels#my dad’s dna must have so much fucking information in it. it was literally like ‘okay all of this man’s descendants are going to be 6’+#even the women; with dark hair; dark eyes; round faces; and they are going to spend all their downtime reading books and drinking tea#and have an inexplicable knack for training dogs’#it’s WEIRD. it’s so fucking weird that he had four kids and the two he didn’t even raise STILL fit into this mould#personal
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i love making ocs that are weird little girls. love giving them loving families that are encouraging the weird little girls. rejoice autism be upon ye
#text#the deathspeaker#kiara#im thinking about her so much right now shes so silly#she grows up with the worlds most sarcastic dad a lawyer mom an elf monster hunter sibling#her aunt who keeps trying to teach her how to say fuck her other aunt that tells the first one to knock it off#before teaching her how to steal wallets. the god of death as a babysitter#her dads friends that he met in jail and their kid that hates her mom with their entire heart but#keeps coming over anyways to also try to teach her how to say fuck#absolutely none of these people are going to be influencing her into being a normal child#by the time she got into preschool joe and dara had to go Oh Shit We Cant Have Her Saying Fuck The Cops#and figure out how to unteach her that#but she manages to appear mostly normal throughout her life as long as nobody asks her about herself#shes a bit silly thats all <3 and then other kids try to talk to her and she goes MY dad talks to GHOSTS#and the ghosts think im VERY cute so im the worlds most special girl#one of the ghosts left me some crackers one time and uncle death had to take them away#and then she goes back to drawing with her crayons and humming#how is she supposed to know that sounds scary to other people. this is just her life#she's going to grow up and get a girlfriend because there is something so wrong with her she needs to be studied#kiaras going to learn so many things arent normal
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life sure is a thing
#spent the past hours stressing about weather for family#and it turned out okay altho my dad lowkey made me feel dumb for worrying#even though i was perfectly in the right to do so bc the family city and the bad weather city were one and the same#but one of my aunts has had heart issues all her life and recently it's gotten really bad#so they were talking she only had months etc#but now she might go at any time and i'm like ???#we aren't that close like i think i have only seen her and that uncle a handful of times#but it's still very hhh#idk dude that's just a lot for a tiny chilly to handle in a short span#edit: my aunt did indeed go like three hours after posting this so hhh#when it's time it's time i guess#it's kinda giving me flashbacks to when the grandma on this side of the family went too#bc i knew stuff was coming and then my grandpa called at night and i just Knew#and he just called now hhh#chilly chats
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...
#bluh. its been a long week and its not over bc i have to get this fucking manuscript done like fucking this weekend#and Sunday i have to go do fieldwork and then its Monday hhhhh#my boss: the meme of the week is productive women get shit done#and im like being called a woman in stem kills me a little more every time i hear it bleh im just trying to live my life#and by live i mean drain away all my time in the lab. uuuuh i need to rewrite these fucking methods and dun wanna#also fucking the coordinator lady who bought my plane ticket to visit one of my potential schools made it so that im gonna have to drive to#the airport at like 4am and then ill get back to my apartment at after 12am on the return. like i said my time was flexible but wtf lady?#its prob bc they were expensive tickets bc the fucking military#ugh. and the other school is like select 3 profs to meet with. and im like wtf y do i have to? if its just screening stuff y dont u just#assign it? i dont understand hhhh i dont wanna talk to them. i fucking dunno. at least i made it to the interview stage i guess#also also i was running today and randomly remembered that over the break my old bat of a nana was being stingy abt#money bc she said she was gonna give out inherentence to her kids while still alive so they would still be young enough to enjoy it#and my dad and uncle could retire a lil early and still pay for insurance and now shes going back on that bc she doesnt want taxes to go to#the government and my papa is like 85 and hes gotta b nearing deaths door and he cant reel her in anymore#anyway. point is she was talking to my uncle abt her reasons for keeping the money and she was talking shit on my mom for like the way she#spends money. like my mom has cancer u old fucking bitch. shes trying to enjoy her life a little before shes like dead or bedridden#shes also made comments abt my moms weight and like wtf lady she has cancer. shes had multiple abdominal surgeries she had a hernia for#like a real long time sorry shes not spending all her time exercising and eating tasteless healthy food like u#anyway i just think my nana is a bad person. so is my other grandma tbh my sister gets so pissed at her for ordering my mom around#like she treats her dog better than she ever did her kids. lol my grandparents just suck on both sides#and like everytime my parents r like go do things for ur grandparents im like fucking y? they're bad ppl#i dont kno how my parents r so normal#anyway wtf was i doing... ah right procrastinating#unrelated#srry for lack of drawings. just zero time 🫠#i lov my mum so much. she doesnt deserve any of this bullshit
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just got off the phone with my dad why are parents so wise insightful perceptive and Know When To Say The Right Thing??
#i normally call him once a week if im not too busy and we just talk about everything and i'd been meaning to ask him something but i didn't#want to have the conversation when other ppl were around so luckily today he was in the car alone and i asked him if he was ever mad at God#when his brother died bc my dad and uncle were likethis all throughout their life and when he died my dad hadn't seen him in a long time#they only talked on the phone and my dad basically said he wasn't mad at God but himself for not seeing him not being their for him and sm#regret and how he's still grieving his brother and i shouldn't hold back and just let the feelings come and then he said 'ik what you're f#eeling k. it's like a part of your flesh was ripped off. like johnathan and david' and man i lost it just sobbing bc 1 sIR ARE YOU IN MY BR#AIN IVE BEEN OBSESSING OVER MY NEW BIBLE BLORBOS FOR THE PAST 30 HOURS?!#and 2 that's e x a c t l y how ive been feeling for the past month and he just put it so simply#after dropping some hot cakes of wisdom he prayed with me#i love my dad#vk overshares in the tags
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#i know my parents are awful and shifty abusers but this is honestly one of the most insane things i’ve ever experienced form them#not only are they making up this absolutely insane thing about me based on SOMEONE ELSE#they’re literally spreading this information to other people and i don’t even know what people they’re saying this too#and it sucks because i know no one will believe me because no one in my fucking family does when it comes to them#my sisters refuse to believe my parents have physically abused me when my dad has straight slapped me in front of them#and both of them assaulted one of my friends in front of them (and then me on a different occasion)#but no surprises considering one of my sisters has gotten drunk and assaulted me multiple times as well#and my other sister has always talked down to me and talked shit to my face my whole life on their encouragement#and my aunts and uncles are all jackasses who stuck my parents ass because my parents make hella money and give it to them#and even when i’ve told them about the shitty things they’ve down; they’re just like whatever i’m gonna go on vacation with them again#i hate my family so much and i hate how none of them have really ever had my back#and that everything’s just always my fucking fault apparently even when it’s someone WHO’S NOT EVEN ME doing something#i need a really good excuse to miss Thanksgiving because i don’t want to deal with these pathetic assholes#personal
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Me painting my nails all black at almost 5 am when I have to be up by 10 to work at 11
Thinking to myself, "Ah. I really am not doing okay."
#speculation nation#negative/#i guess.#i keep wavering on whether im coping fine or not#im trying. trying to not linger too much. trying to just live my life and continue pursuing my interests#tricking myself that everything is okay. smiling and laughing and enjoying the little things#and then it's nearly 5 am and im remembering the time my uncle came into my bubble tea shop while i was working#a surprise visit. and i got to take his order & recommend him things. a nice little thing.#im remembering trips with him. him driving and me being a little wallflower. but my family expects this so it's okay#im remembering my birthday. this year. where i was free from school and so looking forward to the summer#and then like a week later i got the news that my uncle had cancer. and a week after that my cat died.#and i got through it. i worked on getting better. i was starting to get better. & then i got the call from my dad#that my uncle was in the hospital again. and a week and a half later he was dead.#and here i am now. nearly 3 weeks later. and what do i have to show for it?#with cassy i cried 14 times in one night. it felt like a stab in the chest. a horrible wound. one i still flinch from remembering.#with my uncle... i had time to prepare myself. i began grieving well before he died. so it wasnt such a horrible shock to my system#instead... it feels like ive been slowly bleeding out. a gaping wound that isnt closing no matter how much i desperately try to.#bc the fact of the matter is that this is family. my uncle. who ive known my entire life. & who i was pretty close to#at least compared to my aunts on my mom's side. ive always been closer to my family on my dad's side.#it's not going to go away so soon. i know this. and it doesnt help that ive been away from my family for so much of this.#the memorial is in a week. im hoping it will help to heal the wound. at least a little bit.#i hate living life feeling like i have a hole in my chest. i hate losing people i love.#animal death ment/#death/#regardless. my nails are black. and it's time to go to sleep.
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found out I have some Calé heritage ?? maybe ?? via ancestry dna stuff and now I really need to reconnect with my great aunt to ask questions about my (maternal) grandads dad, who we've never known anything about until my grandad and great aunt reconnected after 30 years. I just want to learn more about this part of my family history like aaaaa
#like I've always stuck out when compared to my dads side of the family and look so similar to my mum and grandad#just with my dads pale ass skin#the maternal side of my family history is small and harder to trace (one of my paternal uncles did that side years ago)#and my connections in the maternal side of my family are much stronger so finding out more about our full history is so important to me#the bit about how I look is just like because I've been told multiple times throughout my life that I don't look british whatever that mean#and my mum and grandad have also had the same and get assumed to be locals whenever they're anywhere along the med#its just subtle things that are just a bit like huh wow
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