#what i DO have is trauma! and barely managed adhd and fibromyalgia.
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It's a little funny. I spend so much time compartmentalizing that I convince myself I'm totally fine, of course, all the time.
But when I was filling out the questionnaire before my therapy appointment yesterday, it was like
.... OK yea maybe I have some problems
Also this one 😂😂😂
#speculation nation#it's ok i am now in therapy and we have weekly appointments set up#i havent always had the best experiences with therapy. and by that i mean it has never really been helpful to me#mostly tho bc it's been depression therapists. and i dont actually have depression.#what i DO have is trauma! and barely managed adhd and fibromyalgia.#and especially grief trauma in the past 5 years. oh God do i have grief trauma.#but i searched Specifically for a grief therapist with this. so she should be equipped to properly help me.#ive managed to reach an okay place regarding my old traumas. but this stuff. man it's hard.#i pushed myself to a near panic attack the other day upon realizing the painting i have is an authentic lithograph#& the realization that i am carrying the mantle of several generations of my family now.#most of the generations above me are now dead. so it's up to us to carry on their memories#and i am The One who is unapologetically incredibly tacky. up to me to carry that legacy.#it's pressure. weight that i didnt want. but i dont want to ignore it bc i dont want them to be forgotten.#so im hoping that with therapy. she can help me sort things out so it's less... difficult.#help me remember them without being paralyzed with panic and dread.#and maybe help me with my death paranoia...? 😅 i dont like feeling like anyone in my life could die at any time.#inevitable after my uncle died with only a month's warning and my dad died with barely more than a day's warning.#idk. for someone whose will to live comes from the people i love. it's rather paralyzing.#just gotta cling to the people i have left. and hold them dear.#negative/#kinda but not really. tagging just in case considering the subject matter.#idk im just trying to sort things out. no one goes through this many sudden deaths without a severe complex over it.#but. im in therapy now. and im trying. i am.
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I have a few questions.
What qualities would be required for a roommate, if you were to let someone move you away?
What are some red flags and “hell no”s?
Ideally, where would you want to go?
Is there anything you would want to get done, other than moving, that requires financial assistance?
Who/what kind of person would you be uncomfortable with?
What qualities would be required for a roommate, if you were to let someone move you away?
Someone kind, patient, and understanding. Someone who doesn't mind the fact that cannabis is my main form of pain management. Someone accomodating and understanding of my disabilities (I can barely get out of bed on most days. Honestly I'm barely a functioning human due to my mental and physical health.) I have Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, fibromyalgia, C-PTSD, borderline personality disorder, ADHD, and it's very likely I'm autistic as well. I've had a hard time maintaining access to mental health services so I'm not as far along in my recovery as some people my age. I do my best to manage, but I struggle a lot.
What are some red flags and “hell no”s?
Bigotry of any kind. I can't deal with anyone ableist who will accuse me of using my disabilities as an excuse to be lazy. I can't even do a lot of things I enjoy anymore due to my health. It hurts to be accused of faking or playing up my disabilities or mental illnesses. They’ve taken so much from me and it's a very isolating experience.
Ideally, where would you want to go?
I’m really drawn to the Pacific Northwest and California. Definitely somewhere on the west coast. Has to be a blue state. Has to be somewhere cannabis is legal and accessible as I literally can't function without it.
Is there anything you would want to get done, other than moving, that requires financial assistance?
An official autism diagnosis would be nice, just so I can know for sure. Possibly some sort of gender-affirming care, but I haven't thought too much about that, because I can't really pursue that while still being in contact with my parents. I might also need a new cell phone because I don't want my parents to be able to track me in any way.
Who/what kind of person would you be uncomfortable with?
As I said before, I won't deal with any sort of bigotry. That's the main thing.
It's also worth mentioning that I haven't had the best luck with roommates. I've had 5 total, and I have legitimate trauma from 3 of them. I also had an ex-boyfriend live with me for awhile when we were still together and he really fucked me up.
I'm also a little wary of anyone offering me help, because in the past people who have offered to help me haven't actually had my best interests at heart. I've had people prey on me a lot and fetishize my disabilities. I've had people weaponize my trauma against me and purposely trigger me into PTSD episodes or dissociative episodes. I've been gaslit a lot. I have a lot of trust issues.
I'm also just not a good roommate. I'm needy, I'm often looked at as a burden, I can hardly function, my mental health issues can manifest in ways that have been used to paint me as abusive or dangerous, despite my best efforts to manage my symptoms in healthy ways. I really do my best, but there's a reason I don't have much of a support system, and there's a reason I tend to keep my distance from people. I'm honestly a disaster and I don't think it’d be fair to subject anyone to living with me. My current roommate is actively trying to escape me because I'm so draining to live with.
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