#spent the past hours stressing about weather for family

[johnbly]

life sure is a thing

[sunflowersandsapphires]

You will become it

pairing: Frank Castle x fem!Reader

summary: When Frank lets the stress of the holidays get to him, he accidentally pushes you away.

Based on the prompt that @hellskitchenswhore posted about: Thanksgiving or Christmas Day with either Matt or Frank, inspired by the quote "If you’re raised with an angry man in your house, there will always be an angry man in your house. You will find him even when he is not there"

warnings: swearing, descriptions of anxiety, allusions to past trauma

a/n: Ugh I could write a MILLION of these because it's so relatable. I hope that this brings you all some comfort this holiday season.

w/c: 3.1k

To no one’s surprise, Frank fucking hated the holidays. After losing Maria and the kids, it was just a horrible time of year filled with bitterness over the gap in his life and the fact he’d never have a normal winter again. 

He tended to throw himself into his vigilante work, bringing the most permanent form of justice to assholes all over the city. Thanksgiving and Christmas were spent alone, unless you considered his guns valuable company, eating bland food and steeling himself against the shitty weather because he was too stubborn to buy a thicker coat. 

But then he’d met you. 

Karen had introduced you over the past summer, sort of. He’d stumbled onto the blonde’s fire escape in the middle of the night—startling the two of you who were having some kind of girls’ night after a tough week. And once Frank had collapsed, unconscious, onto the metal grates he stood on, Karen was forced into an explanation to prevent you from calling the cops. 

You’d adjusted to the knowledge that your best friend was willingly helping a fugitive faster than anyone expected—immediately jumping in with wide eyes and assisting Karen as she cleaned and dressed Frank’s numerous wounds. 

When he came to, he was settled on Karen’s couch, blankets draped over his lap. Across the room, you sipped from a wine glass as you flipped through the pages of a book. He’d hoarsely asked what you were reading and, after the initial shock from him speaking to you had worn off, you’d smiled and asked if he wanted to read with you. 

Frank was eternally smitten by your thoughtful nature. You were an angel on earth and, for some fucking reason, you were determined to brighten Frank’s life with your company, though he repeatedly reminded you that he didn’t deserve you. Despite his bumbling compliments and gruff personality, you’d eagerly agreed when he’d asked you out to dinner a week after meeting you—and you’d been together ever since. 

You hadn’t been dating long, your relationship still fresh enough to count the months spent together on one of his rough hands, but his perpetual grouchiness was slowly being chipped away by your adorable smile and apparent need to spend the majority of your time tucked against his side. 

Frank had fallen head over heels for you at the speed of light, so saying “no” to your sparkling doe eyes when you batted your lashes at him was damn near impossible. Which was how he found himself in his current predicament. 

While out at a bar with you and your colleagues at Nelson, Murdock, and Page, Red—always the antagonist—had smugly asked him if he intended to spend the holidays with you. It wasn’t a secret amongst your circle that you weren’t overly close with your family. One too many bad memories had resulted in a quieter holiday season without said family, a preferred alternative to the hours of manipulation and abuse you’d previously endured during the winter months. 

Frank was aware that you didn’t have family plans for Christmas, perfectly comfortable welcoming you into his house for an intimate few days complete with fantastic food (that the two of you would cook together) and cuddling in front of the fireplace as you nodded off. You agreed that it had been the perfect way to spend Thanksgiving, so Frank had assumed you’d be alright having a similar Christmas celebration. 

And maybe you would have, had Karen not suggested that Frank host a Christmas celebration at his place for a larger group. 

“Frank, you’ve been bragging about the turkey you cooked for a week. It’s honestly rude of you to withhold that from us.” She remarked, smirking at his resulting scowl. 

“And on the holiest day of the year too.” Murdock shook his head, shit-eating grin spreading across his face as Frank scoffed. 

“Fuck you, Red. We don’t wanna host your sleazy ass for Christmas. Right, sweetheart?” Frank’s confidence had vanished when he saw your bashful shrug. 

Avoiding his gaze, you picked at the label on your beer bottle. “I dunno, Frankie. I don’t think I’d mind a few more people…” Your voice was quiet, hesitant, but there was a hopeful edge to it that he couldn’t ignore. 

It took him all of 3 seconds to cave to your apprehensively optimistic gaze, his heart melting as you bit your lip nervously. “Sure, darlin’. What the hell?” 

He was regretting his hasty agreement now, though. 

Standing in his kitchen, surrounded by Karen, Matt, Curtis, and—thankfully—you on December 23rd, trying desperately to get the cheese sauce for his mac and cheese to combine properly as the four of you drank beer and laughed boisterously around him. As always, you were more helpful than anyone else, offering soft praises and sweet smiles as you cooked side by side, but Frank’s irritation was steadily building and even you couldn’t stop it. 

It didn’t help that he hadn’t slept well all week, familiar nightmares viciously overtaking his subconscious as soon as he closed his eyes. And the lack of sleep, combined with the way his head was pounding as he worried over the pot on the stove, meant his patience was thinner than a fishing line. 

“For fucks sake, thought y’all were here for a goddamn reason. Is this a social event now?” Frank groused, whirling around to face the four people in his kitchen as yet ANOTHER cheese sauce failed to form smoothly. 

You all fell silent, though everyone but you rolled their eyes at his grumpy tone. Not used to this side of Frank, your face fell—eyes widening as your partner barked orders, creating a much different atmosphere than the peaceful one that had surrounded your perfect Thanksgiving. Shuffling backwards a step, you stood rigid as a statue as Frank scowled. 

“Karen, wash the China I took out. Curt, chop those veggies. Murdock, peel those potatoes.” He pointed to each of them in turn before turning to you. “And clearly I can’t make this shit to save my life so you figure it out while I iron the table cloth.” 

Nodding dutifully, you removed the pot behind his hips from the heat, scraping the lumpy bechamel into the trash before making another roux. You knew Frank didn’t mean to snap at you, he was just on edge about hosting the gathering. No one else was concerned about his demeanor, so why should you be? Trying to quell the churning anxiety in your chest, you diligently completed every task you were given, silently whipping up a number of sides as the sun began to set. 

Eventually, the five of you had prepped everything but the turkey, including the decorations and table set up. Waving farewell to the other three sous chefs, you lingered by the door as you closed it behind them. 

You and Frank had previously agreed that you’d stay over for a few nights to watch Christmas movies and bake cookies, your two favorite traditions that you hadn’t shared with anyone for a few years. However, after witnessing his clear frustration, you were apprehensive. Did he still want you to stay? 

Because of your history with men taking their anger out on you, Frank’s discontent had brought out a side of you that you never wished to experience again. You were still pretty sure he hadn’t meant it, but your certainty was fading by the minute. 

Stepping back into the kitchen, you began scrubbing at the pots in the sink as quietly as possible, hoping that if you handled the rest of the work in silence, Frank wouldn’t have any reason to be upset with you anymore. Unfortunately for your nervous heart, Frank’s mood wasn’t quite over. 

“The fuck are you doin’,” Came a harsh voice from behind you. 

Willing yourself not to startle, you stayed facing the sink, your back to your raging boyfriend. “Just cleaning up, love.” Your voice was meek, but it luckily didn’t waver. 

“And I ain’t capable of doin’ that myself?” His stern response hit you like a brick. Shutting off the faucet, you wiped your hands on a towel and turned to face him, brow furrowing in confusion. 

“Of course I think you’re capable. I wanted to help you, I—“

“It’s funny, really. Y’all wanted me to host this goddamn thing and you don’t think I can do my own fuckin’ dishes?” Frank looked at you, incredulously. He never asked for your pity. 

“Frankie—“

“I don’t need your help. Get out.” He said, jerking his head to shoo you out of the room. 

Choking on an inhale, your eyes stung with unshed tears. “O-ok, Frankie.”

As he restarted the stream of scalding water, you gathered your things and headed out into the night. 

Turning off the tap, Frank dried his hands before surveying his kitchen with a satisfied nod. Banishing you from the kitchen was rude—he knew that—but, ultimately, it had allowed him to unwind while efficiently tidying up the sprawling mess that had manifested during a day of cooking. Exhaling forcefully, Frank felt a pang of guilt in his gut as he remembered how abrasively he'd treated you today. Ready to beg for your forgiveness, and offer a few ways he might be able to make it up to you, he strode over to the couch where he figured you were laying. 

“Sorry for kickin’ ya out of the room, sweetheart. Guess I needed a minute to calm down. Did ya still wanna watch a movie?” Rounding the arm of the couch to kneel before you, Frank was hit with a wave of dread as he was met with the sight of empty cushions. Treading into the bedroom, his bed was similarly bare, and his bathroom was dark and vacant. 

Heart rate spiking, he spun around in the main room of his apartment, looking for any sign of your whereabouts. Your purse and coat were gone. You’d left, but why?

Suddenly, a chilling thought occurred to him as he replayed your previous conversation. 

“I don’t need your help. Get out.”

He hadn’t clarified that he still wanted you here. You thought he had demanded that you leave the apartment altogether, not the kitchen while he worked. 

Shit, shit, shit. 

Scrambling for his phone, he snatched his keys and flew down the stairs as he dialed your number. The phone rang endlessly as he sprinted to his truck down the block. Eventually, he received your voicemail. FUCK. 

Turning his keys in the ignition, he called again. “C’mon, darlin’. Please pick up.” 

Getting your voicemail again, Frank growled in frustration, before his screen lit up with a text. 

You: Hey, bubba. I can’t talk at the moment. Is something wrong? Are you alright?

Closing his eyes in relief, and gritting his teeth as he was smacked with another wave of guilt, he cursed himself. “Of course I’m not alright,” He thought to himself, “I sent you away, sweetheart.” 

Flicking open his phone, he hastily typed out a question. 

Frank: Are you at your place?

You: Yes, love. 

Frank: I’ll be there soon. 

Speeding down the city streets, Frank couldn’t help but wish he’d realized his mistake earlier. Maybe a flower shop would've been open then. 

Chewing absently at your thumbnail, a new rush of tears rolled down your cheeks. God, you were such a coward. You’d avoided Frank’s call because you simply couldn’t handle him yelling at you for whatever you’d done to upset him. Instead, you’d texted him, hoping to hide behind a wall of messages as he explained your mistake. But it hadn’t worked that way, he was coming here. To scold you. Maybe even break up with you. 

The thought of Frank leaving you because of something you’d unknowingly done to offend him forced the air from your lungs with a sob. Desperately trying to get your emotions under control, you threw back the wine in your glass as you stared blankly towards the door. 

The footsteps in the hall were deafening, each one sending a chill down your spine as you willed your aching legs to hold you upright. A key scratched in your lock and the door slid open, the large shadow of your boyfriend extending into your apartment. Huffing out a breath as he addressed you, Frank frowned at your tear-streaked face. 

“You cannot just leave like that,” He explained, shutting the door with a loud bang that made you jump. “Did you walk home? It’s dark out!” 

Frank stepped forward, reaching his arms toward you and ice flooded your veins as you responded to the familiar motion. 

Stumbling backwards, you curled in on yourself. “I’m sorry, Frank. I’m so sorry. So sorry.” Tears splattered on the floor beneath your downcast face. You were trembling, terrified of being screamed at, or worse. 

That was when it all clicked for Frank. Your wide eyes as he bossed you around. The way your jaw remained clenched for hours as you cooked. The lack of your giggles and quips and smiles for the majority of the day. You were afraid. He’d made you afraid. 

“Oh, sweetheart.” His voice broke as you sobbed, just out of his reach. Each of your choked inhales broke off another piece of his shattered heart. “Oh, honey, no. Don’t be sorry. I’m sorry.” 

Crouching in front of you, keeping enough distance to hopefully not spook you further, Frank brought his hands into a placating gesture. As he exposed his palms to you, you looked at him with glassy eyes. “Darlin’ I’m not upset with you. I ain’t ever been upset with ya, not once. I was grouchier than normal today and I didn’t realize I was being too cruel. I ain’t mad, sweet girl. Could never be mad at my sweetheart.” 

You nodded, but didn’t seem to be registering his words. Crumbling to the floor in front of him, you were practically hyperventilating at this point, stuttering through apologies between shallow breaths. 

“Sweetheart, you’re gonna choke. Let’s sit on the couch for a minute.” Supporting your weight as you collapsed into his chest, Frank scooped you up and carried you over to the couch. He settled down, sitting your shaking body in his lap. Shushing you gently, he tucked your head under his chin, running a broad hand along your spine. “Breathe, sweet girl. Can’t have my baby suffocatin’ because of my dumb ass.” 

Breathing deeply to demonstrate the action for you, Frank eventually felt your body still, your inhales evening out. 

“‘M so sorry, Frankie.” You whispered hoarsely against his neck. 

“Nothin’ to be sorry for, my beautiful girl. You were just tryin’ to help. I’m sorry for bein’ such an ass.” Pulling back from you to study your face, Frank brought a hand up to cradle your jaw as he swiped away the remaining tears from your damp cheeks. “I didn’t mean to send ya home, darlin’. I just wanted you to sit on the couch while I cleaned up.” Continuing quickly as he watched your lips part with another apology, he added, “That ain’t your fault either. It definitely seemed like I was kickin’ ya out. That’s also on me.”

Nodding hesitantly, you leaned into him with a tired sigh. “Ok.”

“Did ya want me to leave, sweetheart? I know I scared you,” 

“No!” Your hand came up to grasp his jacket, clinging to him fearfully. “Don’t leave me, Frankie, please.” 

“Hey, hey, I ain’t leavin’ unless you want me to, darlin’.” Frank promised, pressing his lips to your forehead. “I’m here as long as you’ll put up with me.” 

“I don’t want you to leave.” You murmured, tracing a finger over the folds in his lapel. 

“Then I’ll be here.” He assured you, stroking a hand over your back once again as he reclined, tugging you on top of him and covering you both with a blanket from the back of your couch. “Right here. Always.”

 The pair of you sat in silence for a spell, focusing on getting your breathing back under control. Eventually, Frank pressed another kiss to your head before offering an explanation. “I shouldn’t have snapped atcha, sweet girl. I was tired, and irritated, and I let it out on all of you. That ain’t fair and I’ll try to keep my cool next time.” 

Nodding gratefully against him, you mumbled a quivering “Thank you.” 

“Of course, doll. I scared ya when I kicked ya out?” He asked, hoping you’d clarify so he could prevent this panic in the future. 

“Mmhmm.” You confirmed. “I, um, I don’t do well when people raise their voices. I’m sorry. I don’t mean to be sensitive.” 

“Hey now,” Frank admonished as gently as he could. “I like my sensitive girl. I’ll try not to yell. I didn’t know it would bother you so much, darlin’.” 

You shrugged. “People got angry with me a lot when I was a kid. Especially the men in my family. Maybe I was an easy target, I don’t know. But I jump to conclusions now because of it.” 

“That makes sense, honey. That’s your brain tryin’ to protect you from big scary guys like me.” Frank joked, but you poked his chest. 

“You’re not scary,” You chided. “Just big.” 

He chuckled at that. “Well, I’ll try to keep bein’ ‘not scary’ and promise to listen whenever you choose to warn me about this stuff, ok?” 

“Ok.” You agreed, lips twitching into a faint smile as he brushed his nose into your hair. Turning your face to his, your lips met in a sweet kiss. 

“Have I done anythin’ else that bothers ya?” Frank asked, fear sparking in his chest. 

Shaking your head vehemently, you snuggled into him. “No. You’re wonderful.” 

“Ok. Just tell me, darlin’. I never want ya to be afraid of me.”  

“‘M not afraid of you, Frankie. Promise.” 

“Ok, sweetheart. Did ya wanna go to bed, or stay here for a bit?” 

“Could we go to your place?” You asked timidly. 

“Of course, love. But only if you let me carry you out to the car. My poor girl has had a rough day and it’s my job to make that up to her.” 

You giggled. “Mmm kay.” 

Frank spoke quietly to you as you traveled back to his apartment, talking about the book he was reading and what he was excited about for the holiday. You remained quiet, the exhaustion of your panic attack weighing on you, but you were filled with a pleasant warmth as Frank shared more of himself with you. 

Once he’d carried you into his home and tucked you into bed, you were barely awake. 

“Sleep well, sweetheart. I’ll be right here when you wake up.” Comforted by Frank’s rumbling promise, you drifted off, dreaming only of his smiling face. 

[blouisparadise]

Today we have the second part to our protective Harry rec list! To check out the first part, click here. We hope you enjoy all of the amazing fics on this list and show them a lot of love. If you want our rec lists to continue, please like and reblog this post to help spread the word! Happy reading!

1) Your Sins, My Vices | Explicit | 12,582 words

Louis hates soulmates. Harry has waited his whole life for one.

2) You’re All I See In My Mind (I Think I See A Lifetime) | Explicit | 16,312 words

Kitten hybrid Louis gets kicked out of his house. With nowhere to go and a very cold and stormy weather outside, he ends up wandering into Harry’s shed to hide from the thunder and rain (he gets terrified by it). Harry hears crying from the shed so he goes to investigate.

3) A Little Bad Luck | Explicit | 17,237 words

"What the fuck do you mean, they quit?" Louis asks.

This man—demon, whatever—looks over at Louis with a withering glance before tossing the apple he's eating. It misses the trash can by about a foot, falling to the floor of Louis' kitchen and definitely leaving a sticky residue that he's going to have to clean up later.

"You kept getting yourself into trouble and their afterlife experience became too stressful, so they quit. After the fifth guardian angel quit their post last week, there were no other volunteers, so that's where I stepped in. I was getting bored of welcoming souls into hell anyway...they're so goddamn whiney, I'm always like, bro, just shut the fuck up—"

"So you're my guardian demon," Louis says flatly, cutting the demon/man/thing off before he can get any further.

He smiles largely enough to show dimples, which seem like a completely inappropriate thing for a demon to have.

"Exactly," the demon confirms.

4) Sweet Revelation, Bitter Wine | Explicit | 20,786 words

An enemies to lovers AU with Harry as the infuriating demon that activates Louis' demon slayer curse.

5) Thawing Permafrost | Explicit | 22,556 words

Louis is from the frozen mountains of Glacien. Harry is from the searing desert of Calidius. They come from opposite worlds, but all it takes is an arranged marriage to bring them together as one.

6) Never Been So Defenceless | Mature | 23,333 words

Harry always thought he’d falter in the face of danger, because no one can ever be truly ready to see their loved one in danger. Even with the warning that’s literally inked into his skin, all the training Harry’s done, and all the hours he’s spent in the gym, nothing could’ve prepared him for how it feels to look up and see the glint of a knife under the streetlights.

7) Close To Nowhere | Explicit | 34,589 words

Louis and Harry are psychics who kind of hate each other. They go to Tennessee to investigate a haunting.

8) Spoonful of Sugar | Explicit | 42,900 words

Note; This fic is the sequel to this fic.

Louis Tomlinson cares for his family above all else, a fact that’s led him on a twisted path peddling drugs to support them. Just as he’s made the decision to jump ship, Louis gets snared between the two largest crime syndicates in the city. To keep his family safe he’s forced to trust the man that failed to keep his promise two years ago, the resident drug lord he’s unknowingly been working for, Harry Styles.

9) Once Burnt, Twice Shy | Explicit | 52,644 words

Louis and Harry are polar opposites in every way. Where Louis is a bestselling author from the city, Harry is a small-town firefighter who’s never left his home. Where Louis is spontaneous and spirited, Harry is introverted and calm, never straying from routine. When an ill-fated accident and an exceptionally intelligent tabby bring them together, they are forced to confront their pasts and forge a better beginning for themselves.

Will sparks fly, or will it all go up in flames?

10) If You're Out There (I'll Find You Somehow) | Explicit | 55,916 words

Harry looks so intensely into Louis’ eyes it’s as though he’s reaching in and touching his very soul. “I never thought… I never… I’ve been searching for so long, Louis, but I never gave up. I couldn’t stop, wouldn’t stop trying,” Harry says, bottom lip trembling as he strokes the backs of Louis’ knuckles. “I just knew that if you were out there, I’d find you somehow.”

11) Just A Flicker In The Dark | Explicit | 57,204 words

Louis is a struggling witch desperate to prove himself after yet another magic disaster and finds a calling in the haunted house of client Niall Horan. Things get more complicated when he’s assigned a case partner: acclaimed medium and ex-boyfriend, Harry Styles.

12) From Chaos | Explicit | 62,764 words

Tale as old as time, a villain falls in love with an already taken hero who only wants to kill him.

13) I've Got You | Explicit | 62,988 words

As a reward for saving the king's life, Harry is offered omega Prince Louis' hand in marriage. Neither of them has any interest in the union going forward, and so they concoct a plan to prove to the king that they are far from a perfect match.

14) Crowded Town Or Silent Bed, Pick A Place To Rest Your Head | Explicit | 63,577 words

“Poem. I made you a poem.”

“Oh yeah? Can I hear your poem?” Louis turns on the car and exits the school building.

“Wait.” Louis takes a glance and sees his daughter struggle to open her bag, strained thanks to the safety belt. “Aha!” She shouts when she finally finds the wrinkled paper. She clears her throat dramatically. “My mama is cool, because one day he took me to the pool. My mama is beautiful, and I feel grateful. My mama is pocketful, because his pocket is always full.”

Louis ruffles Chrys’ hair making the green-eyed kid groan and swat his hand away.

“You think I’m beautiful?” Louis’ voice is soft.

“Well, duh. You’re the most beautiful person on Earth, mama.” She pauses for a moment. “Although, Uncle Zayn is beautiful too. But, still, you’re the most beautifulest.” She grins.

Louis’ heart clenches at that. Not because she just said he’s the most beautiful person in the world. But, because of the way she said it. Awfully similar to the other person who has the same green eyes as her. And the way she grins after that, identical.

15) Feeling Borrowed, Always Blue | Explicit | 68,210 words

Louis has been dreaming of his wedding since he was young - he just never expected it to happen like this.

16) Lost & Found In Oblivion | Explicit | 74,779 words

Omega Louis decided to hire an alpha for his heat to ease his touch deprivation, but little did he know everything would grow into so much more.

17) Strawberries & Cigarettes | Explicit | 76,763 words

Two stories, eleven years, and the two boys that never stopped loving each other.

18) Echoes & Omens | Mature | 100,707 words

Echoes of the dead come in many forms. Their imprints forever tied to the ones who'd killed them.

Louis Tomlinson is able to track the dead using their echoes, they call to him. He's used that gift to aid Scotland Yard in their investigations, with the hopes of studying Criminology at Cambridge University. He's lived a life of privilege and good fortune as a Marquess, son of the late Duke Tomlinson, with his life mapped out since day one.

Until two terrible truths are revealed.

One, he's adopted.

Two, his biological parents are London's most notorious serial killers.

19) Among the Humans | Explicit | 129,435 words

A gothic, modern day vampire romance between a young human named Louis Tomlinson, and Harry Styles, ancient vampire and gentleman.

20) Love Me Until The End | Mature | 207,130 words

AU where Louis, an Omega, is the head nurse of the hospital in charge of running the nursing staff. Harry, an Alpha, is a highly respected surgeon working at the same hospital. They also happen to fall in love.

Check out our other fic rec lists by category here and by title here.

[hlficlibrary]

hello! how are you doing? Could I ask for a kind of specific type of rec? Basically I'm craving fics where either of them (or both) have a kind of understanding of their feelings for the other, in an unspoken way based on the ~vibes and have been dancing around each other for a while for whatever reason until finally get together? a hint of pining, longing, sexual tension maybe? 😅 thank you 🩷

Hi, anon! I'm doing well and I hope you are, too! I think I know the kind of fic you're talking about, so here are some that fit that...

[Edited to add: I forgot to say that I have a pining rec with a few others on it, too that would pretty much fit what you're looking for as well ✤ Pining ]

Big, Bright World by RealName

It really was just a little crush in the beginning, nothing to be worried about. Louis had never really liked anyone he'd worked with in the past, but he was sure he could control himself. Little did he know that over time his 'little crush' would develop into a blazing inferno of Hell-fire proportions. Every day, Louis' feelings became more intense, more immediate, each little smile and gesture and silly flirtation mounting up into something palpable, with a life of its own. Louis felt it every moment they were together.

The only problem? Harry was engaged to someone else and had been from the moment Louis started working at Visionary.

Office AU (not based on the TV show).

smell the sea, feel the sky by lightswoodmagic / @lightwoodsmagic

They’d been planning this beach trip for months, stressing around work schedules and engagement parties, trying to find the perfect place to stay in and a time where there wouldn’t be families everywhere but the weather still perfect. Louis had spent what felt like hours researching and planning, dinners with Zayn and his boyfriend at their house that just ended in looking at places and sending them to Niall. He’d been looking forward to it for weeks, getting away from his job and his bullshit neighbours and the noise of the city.

It seemed ridiculous, really, that in all that time, Zayn hadn’t mentioned once that Harry was coming.

Or, Louis doesn't know how he's going to spend a week with the one person he wants and can't have. Harry proves him wrong.

That Howling Infinite by sweettartine / @sweettartine

When Louis struggles in the literature class he needs to pass to graduate, his professor assigns him a tutor. A cute tutor. A cute tutor with a boyfriend. It's just as well. Louis isn't looking for a boyfriend in his last semester of college. But trying not to fall for Harry Styles might be impossible.

Or, the one where Louis and Harry fall in love while reading Moby Dick.

You're the Light by allwaswell16 / @allwaswell16

Before beginning a new graduate school in the fall, Louis Tomlinson decides to spend the summer working in Chicago as an editor’s assistant for the Chicago Tribune newspaper and staying with his old college roommate. What he finds on his first day of work is a tall, gorgeous editor named Harry who has the most beautiful green eyes he’s ever seen—and who also happens to be his new boss.

[maddys-nerd-blog]

Hi! It’s been a while!

I’m sorry I haven’t shared anything in a while. Things have been really stressful and I’ve been pretty down for the past few weeks, but I finally got this done in the meantime. Writing has been the best distraction from all the strain I’ve got in my life at the moment.

This is something I wanted to write for a while, so I hope you like this!! It’s a Christmas one shot for my Familia AU! I figured out how to use the link thingy too so I’ll link the song Katie sings in this one at the end too!!

Happy holidays and Happy New Year!! ☺️

Familia: Forever

Feliz Navidad, mi Familia!

Holidays were supposed to be fun. At least, that was what Katie used to think. This was long before the inter-dimensional travel or the crazy realm hopping bullshit she’d been roped into. In her world, this time of year was one to take as a relative breather. A chance to look forward to cheesy movies, sugary candy that was sure to grant you cavities, the change in weather was just cold enough to wear comfy sweaters, or buy everything you could get your hands on until your wallet crumbled to dust. Minus the stress the tumultuous spending habits one picked up once December arrived, the Christmas season was certainly a festive occasion.

Katie remembered when her niece was little, when she was young enough to still believe in Santa, she and Grace would stay up for hours the night of Christmas Eve to deck the apartment in wondrous decor, dusting baby powder across the floor and using Katie’s combat boots to create impressions on the rug for the immersion of Saint Nick having visited, along with a half eaten plate of white chocolate chip cookies— Grace’s favorite. It was worth the effort to watch the girl race into the living room with stars in her eyes and a bright smile as she stared at a decently sized pile of wrapped presents awaiting her.

It was something she wouldn’t trade for the world.

But those were just memories. Fleeting, gone in an instant due to high amounts of stress. It hurt to recall those happier moments amidst the chaotic whirlwind she found herself in now— separated from her family, possibly forever at this point, sporting a robotic arm, becoming a wanted fugitive in three different dimensions, and a surrogate mother to five unruly boys that needed guidance in a universe where every single person wanted to either capture or kill them.

Needless to say, Katie had enough to put up with. And with the holidays fast approaching, all she could think of was one thing—

What am I going to do?

********************

December 24.

That was the date on the calendar. Katie couldn’t help but glare at the number from afar, black coffee piping hot in her hands through the thick ceramic mug she cradled close. The longer she stared at it, the more the reality sank in. It seemed to taunt her. Nothing could change the fact that there was only a few days left until Christmas.

Taking a slow sip of her caffeinated beverage the detective leaned back against the countertop. Breathing deep, she sighed heavily through her nostrils as they flared, taking in the heat of the coffee, savoring its bitter taste. Don’t think about it, Katie tried to scold herself. Don’t think about it, don’t think about it, just pretend it’s another day. It was better to make believe things were business as usual than accepting the depressing reality of her current situation.

Three years.

Three. Years.

This would mark three years she hadn’t seen her family. Three Christmases spent running, hiding, fighting to survive. Three entire years of not being surrounded by the people she loved.

That was a decent amount of time spent not knowing if her sister or niece were still waiting for her to come home. This wasn’t New York— not hers, never hers— but the faint memories of the two lingered through streets that felt vaguely familiar. Ghosts of their presence followed where ever she traveled, and here was no different. Wandering through Central Park alone at night she could almost hear the sound of Lilium’s laughter ringing in the trees, or Grace’s voice echoing in the dark, calling for her to come home.

It ached. It hurt.

It was empty.

Thin, spindly arms found themselves wrapping around her middle from behind. What otherwise would have startled the woman made her breathe easier as she was gently pulled backward to better fit into his embrace. Quietly, the voice asked, “You doin’ okay?”

“Mm-hmm,” she nodded. Without dropping her mug she brought a hand up to reach behind her, cupping the face of the man who’d stayed by her side through all this mess. How he’d been willing to put up with her for this long was something she would never understand, but she was grateful all the same. “I’m fine. Just… not feeling too great.”

Danny looked over her shoulder, muted gold eyes boring into the depths of her soul with a ragged understanding that years of being a hardened criminal had provided. Ears pricking, he asked, “Want me t’ get you anything?”

“Unless you have a magic phone that can help me call my sister to let her know I’m not dead in a ditch somewhere, then not really,” she snorted dryly. “Just homesickness. I’ll be fine.”

Danny frowned. “How long?”

“Hmm?”

“How long has it been? Y’know. Since ya saw them.”

“… long enough to know I miss them.”

The yōkai tightened his arms around her waist. “Sorry, hon. Wish there was a way we could get ya home.”

She shrugged lamely. “Does it matter anymore?” She turned enough in his hold to face him— aging wrinkles under his eyes gave way to a softer expression of compassion. “I’ve got other things to focus on. I have five boys to take care of. I can’t let myself get distracted.”

“That ain’t exactly a healthy way t’ deal with things,” Danny lifted a hand to touch her cheek. His claws scraped across her skin delicately, making her shudder. “Let yourself be upset. It’s okay.”

She paused, soaking in his touch, leaning her face into his palm with a sigh. Doubt began to settle upon weary shoulders, her lips pursed into a frown. “Is it though?”

Danny actually looked baffled by this notion, staring at her with bewildered eyes. “What do you mean ‘is it’? You’re allowed t’ have emotions ya know.”

“But I gotta be the reliable one. I’m the one making the money to support all of us. You guys need me to be dependable. If I’m not one hundred percent, then I’ll let you guys down.”

“Ya gotta nip that in th’ bud, doll. That’s a toxic mindset.” The yōkai decided to use his hand to push her bangs out of her brow to better gaze into her eyes. His tail wrapped around her waist in place of his arms, drawing her closer to him. “I’m more than capable t’ take th’ load offa your shoulders. I can get work— honest work— in th’ Hidden City. Ya don’t gotta carry it on your back alone.” Danny grinned with a smile full of warmth. “That’s what I’m here for now.”

Katie, still struggling to withhold her emotions, leaned her head forward until her forehead came to rest on his collar. She could smell the lingering scent of his favorite cologne, ocean breeze and cigar smoke clinging to his frame. She could breathe it in until her lungs were sore. “I’d be selfish for putting that on you when you’ve already got shit to deal with.”

“Then be selfish.” Danny held her closer, the mug in her hands crushed between them. “I can handle it. The last thing I need is for you t’ get sick offa this stress.”

CRASH! Somewhere in the living room the sound of glass shattered, along with a cry of ‘it wasn’t me!’ Coming right after as Raph could be heard in the background scolding someone.

Katie cringed, mourning the loss of the tender moment. “When I’m not breaking fights up, THEN I’ll let myself cry.” She chugged her coffee with one quick swig, unfazed as it burned the root of her mouth and seared her tongue before untangling from the yōkai’s embrace to hurry into the room. Upon stepping into the doorway, Katie dropped her jaw at the unbelievable scene taking place.

One: the carpet was stained with ink. Sharpie markers had been broken in half, spilling the contents upon a giant scrap of cardboard and floor amongst a cluster of things strewn around the ground. Casey and Donnie sat in the middle of it, smeared in bright red and blue across their hands, looking like deer caught in headlights.

Two: Leo standing over the broken remains of a lamp, trying in vain to hide the pieces under the ruined rug, his feet covered from the ankle down in dark blue ink, tracking a trail from the spot where Casey and Donnie currently stayed. Behind him a festive Christmas paper popper lay torn in twain, confetti all over the place.

Three: Raph was giving Leo an earful, not too keen on having half his plastron coated with neon pink sharpie ink. Poor Mondo stood with his face coated in purple and green, desperately trying to scrub it out of his eyes as he yelped and cried out on pain.

“Leo, are you crazy!?”

“I said I was sorry!”

“Kat’s gonna kill you! Look at the floor!”

“I told you this was a stupid idea! Why do you never listen to me?!”

“Instead of yelling at me, how about helping me scrub this out?!”

“DUDES MY EYES ARE MELTING! I’M GOING BLIND!”

“Wait he can’t really go blind, right?”

“ARE YOU REALLY SAYING THAT?!”

… it wasn’t even ten in the morning, and the boys had already managed to find themselves in chaos.

Resisting the urge to grab her smokes, Katie swallowed her frustration back down in order to reign in the madness unfolding. “What in the name of God are you boys doing!?”

Almost immediately four heads snapped towards her direction, minus Mondo who still tried to get the inky gunk out of his eyes. And just as swiftly, Donnie and Casey pointed to Leo with an accusing finger. “He did it!”

The red eared slider, highly offended, threw his hands up with a dramatic motion. “Jerks! I can’t believe you ratted me out!”

Mondo’s hands pried themselves away from his face, squinting, only to yelp painfully as the ink spread further into the tear ducts. He flailed his arms and stumbled, knocking himself into the wall with a thud. “Mom, help!”

She hurried to his aid, placing a steadying hand upon the gecko’s shoulder to keep him still lest he knock himself out. Turning her gaze unto Leo, Katie turned her voice stern. “Okay, spill! What’s going on?!”

“Nothing!” Leo tried to act casual, folding his arms behind his shell as he leaned against the couch with a shaky grin, gaze shifting quickly back and forth between the broken lamp and the markers. “Just, uh… playing Monopoly!”

Deadpanning, Katie raised a brow with an unamused frown. “Really. Monopoly. I didn’t know buying Broadway meant snapping open three sharpies and handing over two hundred to move forward.” Unfazed, she pressed on. “Why is the room a mess?”

“It’s nothing, really!” Leo tried to assure her, waving his hand at the floor. “Just an accident while we were making some posters for—“ his eyes widened, as though he realized he said something he wasn’t supposed to, and he averted his gaze from Raph— who looked ready to pummel him where he stood.

“For what?” Katie asked.

“… the Hidden City?” Leo slowly responded. Raph hissed under his breath, “Hypocrite.”

That made her blink. Looking to Raph she questioned, “Why does he want to hang up posters in the Hidden City?”

Raph wouldn’t budge. When Casey opened his mouth to reply, Donnie jammed his elbow into the other boy’s ribs, shutting him up as he interrupted. “To buy groceries!”

Katie continued, not buying it. “Really. Grocery shopping?”

Leo looked sheepish. “Uuuuuh… yes?”

Mondo flailed his arms around again, whimpering as he grew panicked. “I still can’t see!”

Katie, still fighting to stay sane, chose not to start this argument. “Okay,” she easily picked the gecko, him being lightweight enough to carry in her arms. “Leo, since this was your idea, you’re cleaning this mess. I gotta go get this out of Jason’s face before he actually goes blind.”

“What?!” Leo gaped. “But what about going shop—“ he didn’t get to finish his sentence before Raph clamped his mouth shut, gesturing for him to be quiet. That made her suspicious.

“… is there something I should know about?” She inquired, narrowing her eyes to give the ‘Stern Mom’ look.

“Nope!” “Not really.” “Absolutely not!” Came the instant replies of three not-so-subtle boys who were fighting to look innocent. Raph was doing a better job than Casey and Donnie, but Leo’s poker face needed work. It was obvious they were trying to hide something…

“Kat,” Danny suddenly entered the room like an apparition— perfect timing if she had anything to say about this— “Why don’t ya help Jason and I’ll help the boys clean this mess up?”

This was getting stranger by the minute. Why was everyone acting so shifty? It wasn’t like them to keep secrets like this, but Raph? Danny? Why were they behaving like this? Katie hummed suspiciously, pouting, hefting the still-whimpering Mondo in her arms to help him. “… alright. Make sure you get that stain out. If you can’t, just chuck it.”

“Can do,” Danny gave her a two-fingered salute as she made her exit. The way he spoke suggested things were casual.

But it still didn’t make her any less suspicious. What’s going on with them?

******************

The moment Katie was out of range— and earshot, once he’d picked up the sound of the restroom door being closed— Danny’s smile fell, quickly replaced by a panicked hiss as he whipped around to face the teens. “Who told?!”

All present pointed to Leo. The red eared slider flailed his arms, fed up. “I didn’t mean to! It just slipped out!”

“Just slipped out?!” Raph repeated, eyes popping open wide with shock. “You almost gave us up! I told you to keep our plan on the down low and what do you do?!”

“She still doesn’t know!” Leo defended. “I didn’t say anything important! It’s not like I said ‘Guess what? We’re gonna give you a Christmas celebration this year!’”

“What’s the point of a surprise if you spoil it?” Casey brushed some of the ink off his palms, leaving bright yellow stains across his previously black jeans. “That’s, like, not even worth it.”

“Jesus,” Danny pinched the ridge of his snout with a heavy sigh, shaking his head. His tail curled around his ankles, refraining from striking the floor. “Okay. Okay, fine, so she’s still in the dark. As long as she doesn’t know, we’re fine.”

“Why shouldn’t she know?“ Donnie chimed in. “I mean, it’s almost Christmas, so why not just let her in on the plan?”

“Cuz this is FOR her,” Danny reiterated. “This is her third Christmas separated from her family. And I’m sure th’ rest of you have been homesick during th’ holidays long enough. After all th’ bullshit we’ve put up with, I think a demonstration of our appreciation is in order t’ get her in a better headspace.”

Casey shoved his hands into the pockets of his hoodie, leaning against the couch. “So what’re are we doing again? Have we even picked an idea?”

“None of us are in agreement,” Danny sighed. “We ain’t doing a circus—“

“No fun!” Leo protested, but he went ignored.

“We don’t got th’ cash for a fancy dinner or a night at Yankee stadium, and we can’t drive into th’ Bronx if we’re being tracked by Draxum.” The rat yōkai’s tail swished around his feet in silent frustration. “So unless we got another plan in th’ back burner, we’re gonna have to do something here.”

Donnie picked up the ruined artwork on the sign, frowning at the garbled wording beneath the dark ink. “It was starting to look cool, too. It took me hours to get that design to look right! Why did you break the markers?”

“I saw a video online that showed me how to make a gradient using the ink of you broke them the right way!”

“And you just… did it?”

“Clearly I did it wrong! Can we stop rubbing it in?!”

**********************

“Alright, mijo, let’s look at the damage.” Katie shined a small pen light in Mondo’s eyes, moving it side to side while keeping track of his pupils. He sat on the lip of the tub, tail curled around to sit in his lap, his face scrunched into an expression of pain as she gingerly pried an eyelid open with precise fingers. “Can you see the light moving?”

The gecko squinted, wincing, but he nodded. The gold of his orbs were dark red, the veins in his eyeballs visible from the burning, but his pupils followed the movement. “Yeah. It stings though…”

Humming, Katie released his eyelid gently, clicking the light off. “Good news! You’re not blind, clearly, but there’s irritation and it’s probably gonna look real blurry for a couple hours, but there should be something in here I can use to fix that,” she reached inside the restroom cabinet at her side, combing through the selection of medicines she’d obtained. Mystical ointments and brightly colored liquids bobbed around within uniquely shaped bottles and glass jars labeled with words Katie couldn’t translate yet. She swore some of this stuff was just glittery sugar water disguised to look like healing tonics.

Finally, she’d located a small tin that looked like the type of medical salves she’d glossed over in the drug store. Snatching it up Katie popped open the lid to scoop some of the white cream into her fingers. “Try holding still for a minute, hon. If you need to talk about something to distract yourself, just do it.”

Mondo nodded, holding tight to the end of his tail. “Gotcha,” he replied with worry.

Katie knelt to his level, beginning to apply the cream around his eyes as the gecko flinched, fingers starting to dig into his tail scales. Sensing his discomfort she decided to speak, “Hey, what are you asking for this Christmas?”

Mondo paused, flinching a little as the irritation in his eyes flared up. “I think… I asked for a new board.”

“Oh yeah?” Katie smiled a little. “Any type of board, or just a regular one from the shops?”

“It’s a limited edition kind,” Mondo’s smile was infectious as he started to ramble about the skateboard. “I think Tony Hawk had one just like it! It’s like all decked out with these retro decals that aren’t on the market anymore, they painted it this gnarly neon blue—“ mindlessly chattering about his dream skateboard helped to keep his mind off the burns from his eyes, thankfully. It continued on like this for the next five minutes, the boy happily recalling all the things he’d written down on his list— new sneakers, a boombox for his cassette tapes, spray paint— all the things a kid his age was interested in.

It was only after she completed getting his eyes treated with the ointment that the gecko squinted through the cream on his face, beaming. “What about you, Mom?”

Katie paused momentarily, screwing the lid to the ointment closed. “I didn’t have anything in mind,” she lamely shrugged.

Mondo, being as intuitive as ever, knew she was hiding the truth. “Come on! There’s gotta be something you want!”

Katie still remained hesitant. “What I want… it’s a thing I can’t have.” She put the jar away, repressing the bubbling turmoil that brewed inside her chest.

This made Mondo curious. “What do you mean?”

Katie paused. Closing the cupboard, she folded her hands before her to avoid fidgeting. “… it’s… my family.”

Mondo’s expression changed from confused to sympathetic. Even squinting through the mess of cream around his eyes he could see the immense grief that rested on her shoulders. He could tell she missed them, that their absence had driven something painful and deep into her core. He knew what it was like, wishing the people you cared for were there when you were thousands of miles away from everything you knew. “I don’t think I ever asked what they were like.” He sat up a little straighter, hands folded on his lap this time. “Can you tell me?”

Katie’s lips quirked into a fond smile; one full of warmth and gratitude. Easing herself to sit beside the gecko, she pulled her phone from her pocket and scrolled through her photos, selecting one from a folder she’d labeled ‘Familia.’ It was of Lilium’s twelfth birthday; the last time she saw her sister and niece. They’d decked the house in bright pinks and oranges, glittery streamers dangling on the ceiling, having gone all out for her. It had been themed after fairytales— she’d dressed herself up as a princess, complete with a Renaissance hairstyle. Grace had dawned a lovely gown made from fine turquoise fabrics. Mother and daughter were grinning for the photo, sitting in the living room as sunlight cascaded through the sheer curtains and illuminated their smiles as if to immortalize them. It was one of the only photos of them she had left.

Lilium would be fifteen now. Grace would have recently turned thirty-five.

“This is them.” She showed Mondo the photo. “Grace and Lily. She’d be around your age,” she pointed to the cheerful girl. “I think you two would get along really well. Grace would spoil you rotten,” chuckling softly Katie stared at the face of the woman who had been there for her through thick and thin, through the worst of her breakups, the terrible binges of her drinking habits where she’d seen the darker part of her demons, something only Danny caught a rare glimpse of. “We’d always go to the park on Sunday and have ice cream. Every week we would pick a random movie on the TV commercials to see and laugh about it.”

Katie’s smile faltered as her reminiscing turned into melancholy. “Lilium has an incredible singing voice for her age. Real Lea Salonga-like. She dreams of starring in a big movie musical someday. All she talks about is Broadway and the latest show she wants to audition for. And Gracie always knew what to do when you were depressed. She’d whip up your favorite meal and let you vent for hours if you needed it. Sure she was a little timid, but… she always seemed to know how to make a shitty day better.”

Mondo frowned with remorse. “You miss them?”

“More than anything,” Katie murmured in response.

Mondo pulled his tail back into his lap, guilt creeping into his chest. “… for what it’s worth, I think they’d be proud of you. I mean, you kicked serious bad guy butt, you traveled across dimensions, and helped us out! You took care of me even when my folks didn’t!” He laughed a little if only to shake off the underlying truth of his biological parents rejecting him.

Katie cracked the smallest of smiles. Reaching up she scratched the top of his head like she always would to calm him down, quietly pulling him close to sit at her side. “Thanks, mijo. You’re a good kid, you know that?”

“Yeah!” Mondo boasted playfully. “I’m pretty great!”

That caused Katie to laugh, the somber emotions she’d been feeling subsiding a little to allow herself to breathe. It granted a moment of reprieve long enough to keep hers wits about her and not lose herself to depression. But ever the attentive son, Mondo noticed the grief that clung to his mother. His hands fidgeted with his tail once more to think of how he could fix the pain his caretaker harbored…

And an idea sprang up in his mind.

*******************

“… that’s my plan! Sounds good, right?”

“Honestly that’s ten times better then what I’ve got.”

“It better not be another freakin’ circus.”

“I keep telling you, it would be an amazing gift!”

“You think we can pull it off?”

“… I mean, at this rate, we’ve got nothing. I say let’s do it.”

“Awwwww man! Missed opportunity!”

“Can it, Blue. Jason, you sure this’ll work?”

“Yeah! She’s gonna go bonkers for this, I know it!”

**********************

Katie couldn’t sleep.

It was an old habit, she knew. From years of Lily bursting into the guest bedroom, bright eyed and excited in the early hours of Christmas morning, pulling her arm and squealing that Santa had visited and left behind presents. And as the old saying went, old habits die hard. She stared at the ceiling with exhausted eyes counting the cracks that spiderwebbed along the chipping plaster, phone sitting on the dresser beside her bed, almost wishing it would ring to alert her to a call from her sister. She prayed she could at least receive a text from her, but for the past three years there was nothing.

Emerald eyes fell upon the clock near her phone. Four-fifty in the morning.

She’d been up for hours…

The hideout was silent, questionably so. All day long the boys were on their best behavior after the ink incident— no pranks, no stress, no fights, not even one broken bone or shattered vase. They were oddly helpful and eager to finish the chores when asked, which was NOT normal in the slightest, and once night fell they’d all but ushered her off to bed. “I’ll deal with th’ kids. Get some beauty sleep,” Danny had coaxed with a playful wink. “Lord knows you could use it.”

It was a tempting offer she couldn’t refuse.

But still, sleep evaded her.

So much for getting rest.

Her conversation with Mondo had gotten her thinking, once more, of her family and friends back home. How were they now? She wondered. Did Lilium like high school? Was she making friends? Had Grace found love at last? Did the Chief finally decide to retire? So many unanswered questions she would never get to know because they were gone, far off in another world that was lost to her now. So many birthdays, so many anniversaries, so many celebrations, too many things she’d missed because she’d been reckless. All of it, gone.

Almost daring herself to do so, Katie grabbed her phone from the dresser. The brightness of the screen illuminated her face, slicing through the darkness. Unlocking it, she opened her texts to scroll down to the last messages she’d received the day she’d gone on this rocky road.

Fourteen missed calls from her sister. Three from the Chief. Nine from her partners. Twelve from Lily…

Sis ✨;

Thursday October 12, 2017 at 2:35pm

Hope you have a great day at work! Lily’s asking for Monica’s tonight for dinner, want to join?

Sis✨;

Thursday October 12, 2017 at 7:12pm

I saved you some food from tonight! I got your favorite; fettuccini and shrimp! Just let me know when you get out of work so I can heat it up!

Sis✨;

Friday October 13, 2017 at 10:33am

Are you alright?

Sis✨;

Friday October 13, 2017 at 3:02pm

Kathrine please call me. This isn’t like you.

Sis✨;

Saturday October 14, 2017 at 12:46pm

Henderson said you haven’t shown up to your shift in days.

Are you okay? Lily’s been worried about you, as am I. Please call me.

Sis✨;

Saturday October 14, 2017 at 3:24pm

Kathrine please. If you don’t call me I’m going to have to use my spells. I just want to know if you’re safe.

I know you’re busy, but I’m worried about you. I pray you’re alright.

Munchkin🎼;

Saturday October 14, 2017 at 12:30pm

I miss you Auntie…

Katie finally put the phone down, no longer able to stomach the messages. An awful burn stung her eyes. Those were the final texts she would ever get from her family.

There were so many thoughts running through her head. Some of them were pointless, mundane. But the majority were filled with anguish. She knew better than to verbalize that in front of the kids— keep it closed off, shutter it tight, push it aside and pretend it’s not there. The well-being of those boys were more important than her mental health. But the more she ignored it, the harder the headaches struck. They turned into cloying migraines that pounded and rattled her brain with a powerful vengeance, reminding her of the awful truth of her situation; I’m never going home and I’m never going to see Grace or Lily again.

It was a bitter pill to choke on, but she knew it was one she had to swallow.

Going back home was a pipe dream, forever out of the realm of possibility. Katie lost that hope ages ago, when she’d gone to space with Fugitoid.

Katie’s vision blurred. Breathing shakily, she rolled onto her side, clutching her comforter tight against her aching chest. She couldn’t complain. She couldn’t. She chose this life. She chose to follow Karai all those years ago into that vortex. She chose to pick a fight with crazy people. The Chief was right about her; she never learned when to quit.

Katie gripped her blanket tighter, shutting her eyes. Breathe, moron. Christmas has to go well for the kids. Do NOT worry them.

Breathe in…

Breathe out…

Breathe in…

Breathe out…

Breathe in…

Breathe—

CRASH!

… out?

Katie shot up, startled. Did she hear that right? Did something break?

Hushed, rapid whispers she couldn’t pick up shot back and forth. She recognized Danny’s voice amongst the mishmash of voices beyond her door. There goes any chance of sleep…

Kicking the thick comforter off, Katie climbed out of bed, snagging one of the fuzzy robes from the edge of her bed frame and pulling it on to stave off the cold. Upon reaching the door she twisted the knob ever so carefully to avoid making a sound, she opened it just a sliver to catch the panicked conversation. While hushed, she heard pieces of it.

“What’d you do?!”

“Don’t look at me!”

“Shut up shut up! She’ll wake up!”

“You broke th’ freakin’ lamp, dumbass! She’s gonna hear!”

Opening the door enough for her to slip out, Katie clutched her robe around her chest as she headed for the living room, where most of the commotion resided. She silently carried herself down the dark corridor to avoid being detected. The voices of her boys and Danny were no longer muffled by the distance as she reached the entryway of the threshold—what piqued her curiosity immediately was, dancing along the ceiling spilling out onto the ground were colorful lights; red, green, blue, pink, yellow. They spun in a slow, lazy circle against the darkness.

“Nononono don’t do that, you’ll cut yourself—!”

“Dude, be careful with that!”

“Can we all calm down for a damn minute and get this done?!”

Katie peeked around the lip of the entrance, taking the chance to look inside…

… it wasn’t what she expected.

It looked as though Christmas vomited all over the place. The entire room was decked out with festive decorations; handmade, cutout snowflakes were dangling on strings along the ceiling, all of which were designed to look like marigolds. Plastic figurines of Saint Nick and his reindeer pulling his sleigh guarded a tray full of crispy sugar cookies messily traced with blue and white frosting to look like snowmen. Tinsel was hung up in long loops on the walls, silver and gold woven into thin braids. Stockings were pinned on the mantel, all of them in varying sizes and styles, the names of their matches embroidered in thick white thread from oldest to youngest— Danny, Kat, Raph, Casey, Leo, Mondo, Donnie. The couch wasn’t spared either, red and white plaid Christmas pillows fluffed to perfection.

But it was the eight foot tall pine tree currently standing in the corner of the room, where everyone was gathered, that caught her eye. It was massive— easily towering over everyone. Pine needles were scattered all over the rug. It was rotating on a stand that helped to keep it from wobbling. Ornaments had been hung upon the branches, strings of colorful Christmas lights wrapped all around the tree. It amused her to spot handmade decorations also hung on the thick branches. Tinsel had been discarded in a bundled up ball, tangled, bunched into knots. One of the lamps had been knocked to the floor again, the porcelain broken in shards.

Danny was struggling to keep his sanity. He was wearing a hilariously ugly violet sweater with pompoms on the sleeves, a piece of cheese on the front with the words ‘Have a Cheesy New Year’ embroidered in massive white letters. On his head he wore a pair of reindeer antlers. Donnie was placing boxes of hastily wrapped presents under the tree, wearing a dark green sweater with some kind of anime character on the front. Helping him, Leo hefted giant shopping bags onto the couch with a grunt, trying to make sure he didn’t drop anything. His own baby blue Christmas sweater was geared more for fashion, white stripes wrapping around his arms and collar. She nearly burst into giggles when she realized he was wearing a bright red nose on his snout.

Casey wasn’t dressed up, in fact he looked the most casual in a black long sleeved shirt with black and green plaid lounge pants, but he was busying himself with cleaning the mess currently sitting on the floor. Raph attempted to grab the fallen ornaments that had been knocked off, growing agitated when the silly elf had he wore kept slipping down his brow to cover his eyes.

What really got her was Mondo, dressed up like Santa Clause, fake beard included. He was perched atop a small step ladder holding the tree topper— a dopey looking Christmas angel with beady eyes and floppy wings, watching everything unfold with a wince.

Finally stepping into the room to take all of it in, Katie giggled. “What is this?”

The heads of the culprits shot up to meet her gaze, caught red handed. Danny’s tail flicked around his ankles nervously, an unconfident smile on his snout as he rubbed the back of his neck. “Aaah…! Kat! Hey! Doll, what’re ya doin’ up?”

“Heard something break,” Katie, nonchalantly, reached up to touch one of the snowflakes with delicate fingers, taking in all the detail with a fond expression. Her eyes sparkled in awe. “Just wanted to make sure we weren’t being burgled.”

“In the sewer?” Leo raised a ridge, deadpanning, until Donnie smacked him in the leg.

Mondo took this change in stride. Beaming, he hopped off the ladder and tossed the angel to Raph, the white pompom hanging off his Santa hat jingling. “Mom! Merry Christmas! Surprise!” He waved his arms wildly to gesture towards the tree. “Do you like it?!”

“Surprise?” Katie blinked.

“Well, duh,” Casey nodded. “It’s a Christmas surprise!”

“What for?”

“For you!” Mondo grabbed her hand, tugging her inside to lead her to the loveseat. “Since you’re up, we can do it now!”

Laughing as she was seated, Katie found herself asking, “Do what?”

“Give you your gifts!” Mondo happily replied. He looked to the others, pointing to the boxes and bags. “Come on! It’s technically Christmas morning!”

Everyone exchanged skeptical glances. Whether it be from their shared exhaustion or doubt, nobody made the motion to move until Raph shrugged, smirked, and nodded. “He ain’t wrong,” he agreed. “We’ve been up for hours anyways.”

Katie’s eyes widened. “I’m sorry, hours?”

Ignoring her bewilderment Danny shoved one of the boxes into her lap as a suitable distraction. “Never mind that Doll, here, open these.”

“Hold up! If she’s going to open anyones’ gift first,” Leo pushed a massive blue shopping bag with the Macys logo on the sides at her feet. “It’s mine!”

“What? That’s bogus!” Casey shot back at the prankster. “I wanna give mine first!”

“Guys, really, knock it off. What are we, five?” Raph rolled his eyes at the childish display. “If one of us is gonna go b’fore th’ rest of us,” he nudged Mondo forward with an encouraging nod. “It’s Jace.”

Donnie smiled in agreement, giving the gecko a thumbs up. Bolstered by his friends Mondo scurried over to retrieve a package obviously wrapped by him— bright red paper with lightening bolts, crinkled and messy, taped to hell and back, with a shoddily tied bright blue bow in the middle. He offered the box forward with a giant smile, tail thumping against the floor in glee.

Accepting the gift, Katie looked at her son with a tired grin. “Mijo. You didn’t have to get me anything.”

“I know,” Mondo nodded. “But I thought you’d like something that came from all of us.”

Katie couldn’t stop herself from looking taken by surprise. “What…?” She raised her gaze to Danny to search for an explanation, but the rat was sitting on the stepladder, a similarly fond expression written across a face usually wrought with stress and anger. Yellow eyes glistened, his grin gentle, kind, almost loving. “Listen t’ th’ kid,” he said. “I think yer really gonna like this.”

So, taking this in mind, Katie obliged. She gingerly pulled the paper apart, undid the bow, took the lid off the box to look at what had been given to her…

And her heart began to pang with emotion.

Perched in her lap was a scrapbook. Black leather, golden stud clasps punched into the corners… and in metallic gray sharpie marker in bold lettering was written, ‘Best Adopted Mom.’

Katie opened the book. She was greeted with photos of herself and her boys, from the happiest parts of their journey. Each one of these pictures showed them all smiling bright for the camera, either taken by surprise or charging the cameraman— probably Casey or Leo.

Coney Island. Yankee stadium. The diner. Raph learning how to drive the old pickup truck, Leo pointing and laughing hysterically at the other turtle. Casey in the ice rink teaching Mondo how to play hockey, Donnie holding onto the wall for dear life. Game nights, where by the end of it hell broke loose. The yōkai carnival. Halloween. The Day of the Dead gala— which, how the hell did they take the photo of her and Danny from that far at such a distance?— the beach. The arcade. There were sections of the book with color coordinated chapters to represent each of the boys— dark red for Raph. Sky blue for Leo. Electric purple for Donnie. Gold for Mondo. Black for Casey.

The photos ranged from mundane, to funny, to impressive shots of either duo in combat, to celebratory snippets cut out of newspapers or magazines. Fun stickers were pasted on the sides to give the paper more décor, doodies adorned every page, funny puns and quotes covered every inch of the book.

It wasn’t until she’d reached the final page that her heart backflipped.

The last page of the book contained two photos glued to a piece of pale pink paper: one was a group photo of herself and all the boys covered in bruises and battered, sitting at a table in Hueso’s restaurant, enjoying a pizza for the first time in months and looking completely at ease in the midst of a crowd of yōkai. They were beaming for the camera, a celebration of their newfound family in the aftermath of all they’d endured.

The second…

A photo of Grace and Lilium, the same one she’d shown Jason hours earlier. Underneath these pictures was a note.

‘To the best mom I’ve ever had! I’m sorry you can’t go home, but you’ve got us now! We can be your new family if you want! Thanks for always being here for us, for helping us, and for never giving up on any of us.

We love you, Mom!

Signed—

Leonardo

Raphael

Donatello

Casey

Jason.’

Katie remained still in her seat, the scrapbook cradled in her hands like it was a precious heirloom. She failed to realize she was shaking slightly. She didn’t notice how her vision started to blur again, only this time she truly couldn’t see anything past a misty haze of colors.

The silence that followed started to worry the others. Concerned, Mondo stepped forward, taking his Santa hat off and wringing it in his hands. “Mom…?”

The barriers shattered.

The walls came down.

Finally, for the first time in years, Katie burst into tears. It hurt. It stung like a bastard. Hot, furious waterfalls streamed along her skin in thick trails. Clapping a hand over her mouth to stifle her sobs as they overcame the detective, she allowed herself to release the bottled up emotions she’d kept under lock and key. Naturally everyone gathered to her side in moments, both baffled and confused while she wept over the book, messy tears dripping off her chin and jawline to plop onto the laminated pages.

A fuzzy, filling feeling flowed throughout her core, washing her hardened interior to melt away, giving in to an incredible emotion she hadn’t felt in years.

Love. To be loved by the people who had accepted all of her. To be loved by those who saw past the ugly pieces and kept her regardless. To be a parent to a group of amazing kids who, in turn, gave her purpose. To be loved by a man who only saw her— not the hybrid, not the magpie, nor the mixed breed… just Kathrine.

Is this what it felt like to be a mother?

Was this how Grace felt?

“Mom?!”

“Holy crap, are you okay?”

“What’s wrong?!”

“Guys, back up, give her air—“

“Did we do something bad—“

“I knew we shouldn’t have—“

“How?” Katie asked through sobs, quieting the boys. When no one responded she asked again with a shaking sigh, “How?”

“How what?” Leo frowned.

She scrubbed at her eyes with her sleeves, emerald orbs turning dark red in an attempt to wipe the tears away. “H-How did I… get so lucky?” Raising her head she met their gaze with a watery smile filled with joy and happiness, pink coloring her cheeks. “To find such great kids?“

Mondo blinked slowly, hat still twisted in his hands. “Do you… like the book?”

“Like it?” She asked, looking stunned, as if the question was outlandish. “Like it?”

Mondo gulped, the hat twisted thin between his hands. “Is it that bad? I didn’t think the pictures were that blurr—EEEP!”

Katie wrapped her arms around the gecko to pull him into a strong embrace, clutching the smaller of the mutants close. Against the tears that still made her eyes sore, the woman smiled, looking completely at ease in the presence of those around them. “Mijo,” she sniffled. “This is the greatest gift I’ve ever gotten.”

Mondo’s face lit up with glee, returning the hug readily, tail slapping rapidly against the floor in excitement. “Radical!”

There was a lack of movement from everyone else. Katie lifted her head, meeting the eyes of her boys with a watery chuckle. “What, you think there’s a favorite in this household?” She extended an arm towards Donnie, a silent invitation to join. “Get in here!”

Donnie instantly took the offer, jumping into her arms with a similarly giant smile, his glasses going askew on his snout. Casey followed suit, finding a space at Katie’s left side. Leo was just as eager to join the fold, practically leaping forward, starved for paternal affection. Raph, though slower to accept the overt display of emotion as the older ‘loner’ brother, inched his way over to his comrades, crouching beside the bunch to place a hand atop the lip of Leo’s shell, trying not to show the fond grin on his beak.

It was a sweet image; a surrogate mother hugging the sons who chose her, internally blessed to have them in her life.

Danny, awkwardly, stood out from the huddle. The rat yōkai used his clawed index finger to pull on his turtleneck collar, shifting on one foot to the other, tail curled at his ankles. Katie noticed, untangling one arm from the cluster of mutants to reach for him.

His eyes widened. Danny, wordlessly, pointed to himself to ask, ‘you sure?’

Katie just nodded. Her fingers wriggled to motion for him to come.

His tail twitched. He swallowed, suddenly anxious. Slowly, he crossed the short distance across the carpet, the Christmas lights still spinning and dancing in rings along the walls. Kneeling, Danny timidly lifted a hand to reach for her, every fiber in his body telling him he didn’t belong here, he didn’t deserve this, he wasn’t worthy, he wasn’t allowed to share in this moment—

But Katie took his hand. She threaded her fingers through his own, clasping it tight. Her brilliant emerald orbs shined like gemstones in the colorful hues of the lights behind them, a beautiful smile gracing her strained features. For the first time he detected no sign of stress, no wear and tear, no grief…

It was just Katie.

And there was no other magnificent sight Danny wanted to bask in.

******************

An hour later, everyone commenced with the festivities proper. After drying her tears Katie had rushed to the closet to bring the rest of the presents she’d hidden from the boys— “I KNEW I should have checked that one,” Casey lamented with a snap of his fingers. Soon the sound of wrapping paper ripping and boxes being torn apart echoed through the room, bouncing off the walls and the sewer pipes overhead. Cheers and gasps of awe were soon to follow as everyone began to show off their gifts.

Mondo’s wish for a new skateboard came true as he hugged it chest, eyes scouring over the details of the designs and admiring the classic 90’s paint job. New converse sneakers, a box packed with vintage comics, an old school GameCube console and games to go with it sat dutifully in his corner.

Casey had yet to go through the pristine selection of metal baseball bats or hockey sticks that were set up in a leather carrying case along with the repaired rollerblades, but he couldn’t tear his eyes off the grey varsity jacket baring the name of his favorite hockey player currently clutched in his hands.

Raph didn’t react the most outwardly, but the pleased grunt he gave meant more than words. He totted a new set of boxer’s gloves, a black windbreaker, fingerless leather gloves custom made to fit for three fingers, a thick textbook on the history of motorcycles, knitting needles and yarn, as well as a rubix cube to help cope with his temper.

Donnie’s pile had a consistent theme; retro Pokémon games for his Gameboy, anime t-shirts, a BTS hoodie, refurbished laptop, plenty of Kpop CDs, Japanese snacks of varying kinds from chocolates to gummies, and a Gundam model kit to put together.

Leo hadn’t stopped squealing as he went through his selections, dramatically fainting over the sight. On top of receiving new clothes that would make David Bowie envious, the slider admired a set of neon nail polish to try out. He slipped on a pair of aviator sunglasses with dark red lenses as he tore into one more bag that had yet to be opened, and the sound he made caused his neighbor— Casey— to wince at the volume.

“NO. YOU. DIDN’T.” He pulled free a bright pink onesie with a hoodie and a horn on the top, a matching plushie tumbling out of it. Stars shined in his eyes under the sunglasses. “YOU GOT ME A UNICORN ONESIE?!”

“I mean,” Katie laughed as the slider hugged it to his chest, bouncing on the heels of his feet as he squealed. “You asked for one forever!”

“You’re the BEST!” Leo held up the fuzzy loungewear with pride, clearly over the moon with his present and holding it aloft as if it were Simba. “I now possess the coolest Christmas gift of all time! All of you can now be jealous!”

“If you say so,” Raph chuckled. He picked up a small wrapped bundle, tossing it at the prankster. “This one’s from me.”

Leo caught it, surprised. “Did I hear that right? RAPH got ME a Christmas gift?”

“Well, if ya don’t want it, I’ll give ‘em t’ Casey—“

“HELL NO,” Leo ripped the bright green paper off the strange bundle… revealing a pair of caramel brown fluffy, dopey puppy slippers with goggly eyes and floppy ears. Leo’s mouth dropped wide open with shock, holding the footwear in his fingers for all to see, earning a few giggles from Donnie and Casey.

“Nice shoes,” the human teen chortled.

“SCREW YOU I LOVE THEM,” Leo loudly proclaimed, shoving them on to spite him.

As the kids laughed and showed each other their gifts, the adults finally sank into the comfort of the couch. Lounging in the sofa with a relieved sigh, Danny took his antlers off, looking to Katie as he spoke. “So,” he murmured with a light chuckle. “Is that everyone?”

Katie, snorting, gave him a playful swat on his shoulder. “There’s still you, dummy.” She grabbed a rectangular box that looked quite fancy, handing it to him with a knowing expression. “Feliz Navidad, mi amor.”

“Baby,” blushing a dark crimson, Danny took the present into his hands. “Ya didn’t need to—“

“Course I did. You’re family now,” she folded her arms atop the couch cushions to rest her head there, watching him with adoration. “I couldn’t just leave you out.”

Danny’s face went blank, caught off guard.

“Was that wrong of me?”

“Nah. Just… haven’t been part of something like this in years. Not since Leonard or Mickey.” He went quiet for a moment, tugging the paper off the box carefully. “Ya know something? I thought I’d never get outta that life. I thought I was stuck in that cycle forever— but if I’m honest…” he reached a free hand towards hers, taking her hand into his own with all the tenderness of a class-A gentleman. He gave it a squeeze. “I’m glad I chose you over everything.”

If it was feasible for a human to turn into a living cherry, Katie’s face would have magically transformed into one. She blustered, a feat he thought impossible, as she held his hand tighter. “You jackass,” the detective giggled. “You gotta do this to me?”

“I aim t’ please…” Danny’s free hand had pried open the box at last, pushing the lid off. He stared down into the contents of what lay before him, and he genuinely looked touched.

A three piece suit, made of refined black satin, and a crisp silk tie dyed a pleasing dark violet, sat innocently in his lap. Sitting on top of that was a gold lighter with beautiful engravings, with his name etched along the metal in elegant cursive.

“You needed a suit to go dancing in,” Katie smirked as his fingers plucked the lighter from the box, thumb brushing across the engravings. “And you ask for a lighter all the time, so…”

The rat yōkai stared at the lighter for the longest time, snapping it open with a practiced flick of his wrist. A bright purple flame of magic origin burst into being, swishing in mystified motions. It captivated him. There was a beauty to its color, mysterious and alluring, it was almost perfect.

Danny found himself smiling. Snapping the lighter closed he squeezed Katie’s hand. “You know how t’ leave me speechless.”

“I aim to please,” Katie quoted back at him, sitting upright to better lounge into the sofa. “NOW we’ve got everyone.”

“Not yet.” Danny stood, going for the tree this time, moving through a mound of shredded paper and boxes. “I still haven’t given ya my gift.” He rummaged around for a second before he grabbed onto the object, yanking it free of the mess of tinsel and branches.

She almost had to do a double take. In his hand, having been freed from its hiding place like Excalibur from the stone, was a gorgeous dreadnought acoustic guitar, but by the looks of it this was a custom model. The base of the guitar was dyed a rich reddish-black with a shadowy gradient blending the two tones on the sides, likely mahogany. Nylon strings finely tuned along the thin neck of the instrument. It was massive, bigger than the one she recalled owning years ago before Bishop decided to take a Glock to it.

Katie was left marveling. “Is that…?”

“Heard your old one got shot fulla bullet holes. Thought it was better that ya got an upgrade.” Danny handed her the mighty item. Though it was hollow, it still surprised her that the guitar managed to be slightly taller than herself.

The boys had all flocked to the couch, sitting either on the carpet or on open spots in the couch and loveseat to watch their mother handle the instrument with delicate care. Scarred, calloused fingers smoothed over the polished wood, absorbing its beauty with an awesome breath. “Dios Mio…”

“Helluva beast,” Raph complimented. “Bet it’ll make some great music.”

Flopping onto a couch cushion with his plushie clutched in his arms, Leo eyed the guitar with wonder. “Sooooooo is this the time where I can ask for lessons?”

“Hell no!” Casey barked out a laugh, falling into the loveseat. “If you try to play it, you’ll break the strings!”

“Dude, how would I break it? Are you sure you’re not talking about yourself?”

“Definitely! I’m a pro at anything! Casey Jones can master any instrument!”

“Uh-huh. Sure. I’ll believe that when carrots fly.”

Mondo hopped into the open seat at Katie’s left, tail falling to rest at his lap. “Can you play something for us?”

“Right now?” Katie couldn’t help but chuckle, tuning the strings. “Haven’t really had the time to practice my skills!”

“Come on, please?” Mondo clasped his hands together, putting on the ‘poor puppy dog eyes’ face to better try and convince her, adding the quivering lip for dramatic emphasis. “For Christmas?”

“Ooooh no, I see what you’re doing, it’s not gonna sway me.” Katie teased, but when she looked to her right eye found the soul-crushing teary eyed expressions of Leo and Donnie doing the same thing. These kid and their damn emotional ploys. “… okay, okay, fine, you win.”

Earning cheers from her boys, the detective sat upright to better adjust her grip on the dreadnought, cradling it close, fingers coming to rest upon the base of the guitar prepping for its first performance. It was as though the strings were humming in her ears, an energy beyond her understanding, yearning to be used, to be played, to be heard.

“What’re you gonna play?” Donnie asked.

“Yeah! I mean,” Leo tucked his legs beneath him, eager to listen. “Do you have a song in mind?”

… that was something she hadn’t thought of yet.

Katie spared a glimpse at her boys, looking at their smiling excitable faces. She looked to Danny, leaning against the wall near the tree, regarding her lovingly. She thought of Grace and Lilium, their laughter a distant echo in the sewers as though their aura still remained.

Yeah… she had a song in mind.

Fingers plucked at the nylon strings. A calm melody started to flow from under worn and calloused fingertips. Then, with a soulful voice, the words came free.

“Candles in the window,

Shadows painting the ceiling.

Gazing at the fire glow,

Feeling that gingerbread feeling…”

The boys were instantly captivated; their postures relaxed, lulled by the sweet melody, soothed by her voice, enjoying the company of their strange family whilst Danny’s smile softened significantly, watching on in silent pride.

“Precious moments.

Special people.

Happy faces.

I can see…”

Katie’s heart felt lighter than air. The stirring of emotions that had conquered the woman’s otherwise tense and painful heart had finally allowed for the vulnerable side to break through, to be willing to open herself up and be freed from the overwhelming amount of grief that had kept her tethered to her shortcomings. Yes, she had lost a part of herself that would likely never be returned to her. She doubted the likelihood of the family reunion she’d desperately longed for with Grace and her niece.

Yes, she’d never get to see them again… but Katie still had a family.

She had her boys. She had Danny. She had them… and they would always have her there to keep them supported.

And that was more than enough.

“Somewhere in my memory

Christmas joys all around me.

Living in my memory,

All of the music. All of the magic.

All of the family home here, with me…”

********************

Tada!! Hope you liked this!! It was fun to get this done! The song Katie’s singing is a cover rendition of ‘Somewhere in my Memory’ from Home Alone! I liked this version a ton so I imagined Katie would sing like this!

Enjoy, and see ya soon!! 😊

@queen-with-the-quill @tending-the-hearth @lameboobah @wasted-and-ready @figuringitoutasigoalong @tmnt-tychou

[neotokyorider]

Me: -struggles with insomnia all week long-

Me: -finally manages to fix my schedule and feel like I slept waking up at 9 am- "I may rest another hour or two but then, I'll get up and have a productive day!"

Family member: -has been getting annoyed at me every morning and admitted it was bc of other things going on in the house. comes in my room already frusterated this morning and gets visibly more frusterated when i say im going to rest a couple hours then get up-

Me: "hey I can tell you're annoyed and you have been getting annoyed with me a lot bc of things other people are doing. I know you want me out of my room and awake more but that really has the opposite result bc it triggers my fatigue and depression."

Family member: "I try my best! You're imagining things!"

Me: -points out that they literally admitted to it-

Family Member: "That was last week it's in the past!"

Me: -calmly points out it happened today-

Family Member: "I'm not going to do this with you! I will try to not say anything! I'm entitled to being frustrated and annoyed with you! I just want you out of bed and out of your room!"

Me: "You're right. You are allowed to be frustrated and that means I'm allowed to feel hurt by it. I'm just trying to let you know it has the opposite effect. I guess I don't want you to feel frustrated with me but, I'm seeing I can't change that so I'll stop trying to talk with you about it."

Me: -instantly fatigued, stressed, and suddenly depressed-

It's almost like if I was in a positive enviorment with people I enjoyed being around who accept me and love me for who I am...

No definitely crazy talk right? I'm just choosing depression and fatigue bc the are so FUN right? /s

This place is not abusive or dangerous the way Tulsa was/is but, family still manages to make me feel awful. Because my grandma still cooks for me and helps me out...I feel ungrateful for complaining at all. The only reason I lack the spoons to cook or do some things is bc they get spent trying to weather the snide comments and jabs even when I am performing the way she wants. No matter what I do it's not enough.

[themollyzone]

couch day

It doesn't get to happen much anymore, and that's probably for the best, but every so often, a day with crappy weather and no plans is the perfect day to become the couch. I had an inkling that last Sunday was primed to be a couch day and guarded the blank space on my google cal fiercely. Preparations needed to be made: supplies laid in for the cooking of breakfast, a quick house tidying-up so the prospect of spending all day inside wouldn't be perverted by clutter.

I saw so much live music this past week — Viagra Boys and their openers Kills Birds; Smashing Pumpkins, Jane's Addiction and Poppy; King Gizzard with black midi; and then six hours of DIY rock music put on by Friendship Quest Booking that I also filmed. A lot of sonic energy to absorb and a long time spent on my feet! I also got some strange news related to my current job that was displeasing but also a relief. Meanwhile the weather turned from sunny 60s perfection to a gray wet vibe. Lots of energy was swirling in the air and it was time to hide from it inside.

After knocking out an episode of Infinite Cast, the next order of the day was Minions Brunch. Minions Brunch as a tradition started whenever the first Minions movie came out on streaming (early 2016?) when I insisted we watch the movie at home and also eat brunch. If I recall correctly, the first Minions Brunch's food was a giant potato and egg skillet. This time we did pancakes, to christen the griddle pan that was one of our registry gifts. Griddle pan: perfect registry gift. Just this side of useful, and every time it is used, it will be remembered specifically as a registry gift, containing all the warm memories and latent stress of that wedding season. Oh and the maple syrup we used was also a wedding gift. It's truly abbondanza season at the Wade-O'Brien household.

Minions 2 was actually kind of a banger (eating an edible helped of course). Without the help of something like I Love The '70s, it'll take a movie like Minions 2 to transfer 1970s pop cultural and aesthetic knowledge to the next generation. Tupperware parties, rotary phones, avocado-colored wallpaper, you get the idea. Also I made Chris rewind an action scene because at the very end of it, there was a shot with a huge fluffy dog being walked way in the background and I just couldn't get over it. What a nice bit of scenic texture, totally unnecessary and yet extremely necessary for me, a stoned, dog-loving woman.

We followed up that movie with two more movies about how familial loyalty and organizational obligations are difficult to square with personal desires: The Princess Diaries and The Godfather: Part II. The day melted into a sludge of comfort, and then the comfort became so comfortable that it turned into discomfort with that comfort, as happens inevitably on all couch days.

At one point I paused a movie to talk to my mom on the phone about the work developments I'd been experiencing and she pointed out how I'm in a different stage in my life where said work developments did not have the power to destabilize me the way they did if they happened in, say, my early twenties, and how that was a great accomplishment. This is the Power of Moms: at their best, they have a perspective on your development even more robust than your own, because they've got their entire life experience from before they dragged you out of the womb to draw from, plus they've been watching your sorry ass fall down and get back up again Chumbawamba-style for decades. I bow down to Mom Power. Very humbling, very correct.

The weirdest part of a couch day is when you go to bed, moving from a horizontal position on one piece of furniture to an even more horizontal position on a different piece of furniture. It feels wrong, and yet right. Like I always say, you gotta power down to power up, and now I am ready to spent the last bit of "Q4" going balls 2 the wall.

[umichenginabroad]

The Finale (Week 18)

The end of our last international trip marked the start of many lasts as the days left in Coogee started to dwindle. I challenged myself to find a good balance between studying for finals and spending time in my favorite spots around the city. I also made sure to embark on my final coastal runs before the ultimate challenge — a half marathon just days before my departure from Sydney. When I first learned about the half-marathon, I strongly deliberated whether it was the right choice to sign up and add the additional training stress on top of finals. Ultimately, I, alongside Caroline, decided that running 13.1 miles through downtown Sydney would be the perfect way to wrap up our time abroad. Despite the stretch of relatively poor weather for the past two weeks (60° and rainy), we woke up bright and early at 5:30am on the Sunday after finals to start making our way into the city. We had spent months training for this moment which marked the end of our time abroad, so the fact that it was here so soon almost took us by surprise. Nevertheless, we went in eager and confident with the simple goal of making it through all 13.1 miles without stopping. The running route perfectly passed a variety of places I had visited and hotspots for memories of my time in Sydney. From Hurricane’s Grill and Star casino where I celebrated my birthday with all my hostel-mates, to Darling Harbour and the Opera House, the sites we passed fueled my run and kept my mind off the miles ahead. Friends and families of runners riddled the route with motivational posters and chants of support. Just as I was losing steam at mile 12, I looked up to see my own friends cheering me on. Shoutout to Lauren, Rachael, Anthony, Charlotte, Shaunak, and Evan for waking up early and making their way into the city for Caroline and I. The energy and love witnessed at a race like that is truly unmatched and something I’ll never forget.

^ Caroline and I after the race with a poster made by Lauren!

Other adventures that weekend included a visit to Luna Park, a small amusement park across the river from Sydney. Despite having very few rides and attractions, we had a lot of fun hopping from the Ferris wheel to the roller coaster to the carpet slides.

^ Luna Park!

We were also able to squeeze in two trips to Sydney suburbs including Newtown and Watson’s bay. Newtown’s King St is full of diverse restaurants and wellness shops that could keep you entertained for hours. Watson’s Bay is located at the northernmost point south of the river. Taking the ferry there was also something I was adamant about given how much I loved the ferry to Manly beach. I can’t believe we hadn’t made it out there sooner given the incredible views:

^ the view from the ferry (you can clearly see the rain falling over the north part of the city)

^ spectacular view from Watson’s Bay

This spot quickly became one of my favorites in all of Sydney and I look forward to returning one day.

The last few evenings in the hostel were definitely somber ones as we said our goodbyes and played our last games together. Rachael made a great short video encapsulating some of the moments we’ve shared and scheduled a time for us all to gather and watch it. Alex brought down his electric guitar and we sang our hearts out into the night. Everyone recognized how much our time together meant to one another and that a reunion for 18 people is next to impossible especially given our poor trip planning skills. This was the last time we’d all be together in that hostel living room.

Just like that, my time in Sydney has come to an end. My next and final post will contain my reflection of my time abroad. Cheers!

David Bayer

Biomedical Engineering

University of New South Wales in Sydney, Australia

[mysmegrace]

i recently installed mystic messenger again after like a month or more of not playing (was afraid of someone finding the game in my phone) , and it felt good to "see" the characters again , so can i please request headcanons of the rfa seeing mc after a long time ?

hello, that's completely understandable lol. i remember back in 2016 when i played it the first time around (i deleted it after the first bad ending and didn't play again until 2019 lol) and was worried people would look on my phone and see it. oh how times have changed lol. but of course!

RFA Seeing MC After a Long Time

---

yoosung kim:

you attended the rfa party during the last summer you had before going to college.

life was looking up for you.

you found an amazing boyfriend, started becoming independent, and got a good summer job.

things only got better when you found out you had gotten accepted to college.

only problem was that the college was in the US, and your friends and lover were in South Korea.

as much as you loved your new life here, you reminded yourself of your feelings before meeting the rfa.

how everything you created here would only be temporary.

but now, you didn’t want to stick to that anymore.

your life was going so well, and you knew yoosung wouldn’t be happy about you leaving to go across the globe.

however, it was too good of an opportunity to let it go.

this was what you were to planning to do for the last decade.

if you were to give up now, all your hard work would be for nothing.

you were incredibly conflicted, but eventually choose to follow your passion at college overseas.

and yoosung was frantic about it.

he wouldn’t be able to see you, protect you, help you, feed you, walk with you, the list went on.

however as he’s gotten more mature over the past few days, he knew he didn’t have the power to stop you, nor should he guilt you about it.

besides, he wanted you to pursue something you were passionate in and become successful.

some sacrifices would just have to be made.

that didn’t mean he would let you go either.

the two of you made a promise to call, facetime, and visit each other as often as possible.

you’d make it work.

so with much regret, you left to the states.

and when the holidays approached, you decided to bring yourself to him as a gift.

it had been months since he saw you at this point.

you both could enjoy the holidays together while relaxing.

it was a win win.

and what better way to carry out your surprise than by showing up to his front door at 10pm?

and that’s exactly what you did.

giving the door a good few knocks, you waited until you were greeted by yoosung standing in his unwashed pajamas, staring at you.

it took a few seconds for it to click who you are, yet once that processed, he was overcome with joy.

you thought it was adorable how his hands flew to his face as he began to pull you into a hug shortly after.

you were met with only parts of words as yoosung couldn’t explain his excitement fast enough.

and you were ecstatic as well.

you never realized how much you missed him until you were reunited with him again.

hence why after you two spent the holidays together, you found it incredibly difficult to leave again.

however with his encouragement, you went off to work your hardest so he could meet a successful you the next time you reunited.

hyun ryu / zen:

much like zen, you were an actor too.

you were a much lesser known actress, but you had began building connections.

and those connections all paid off when you were offered a new role in a movie that was predicted to be going big.

you couldn’t be more grateful.

yet as you began reading farther into the offer, your heart slowly sunk.

if you were to take the role, you would have to relocate to germany for the next 9 months.

you wanted this so bad, but you didn’t want to leave zen alone for 9 months.

he if could, he would join you in germany.

but he already had a role to work on in south korea.

as much as you wanted him to join you, you didn’t want him to give up his role he had been working so hard on for the past year.

you were conflicted, and knew it would be best to talk about it to zen.

not only to see what he thinks, but to ease your feelings.

and once you had the discuss about it with you, you came to a conclusion.

you would could, keeping in contact with him everyday.

though zen was heartbroken about it, he knew how much you wanted this and how much this would advance your career.

so with a heavy heart, he sent you off.

the moment you left on the plane, he was already longing for your reunion.

9 months never went by so slow.

when you were with him, there was never enough time to bask in each others love.

but without him, everyday had an extra 8 hours.

even though you were working 24/7, time stayed still for days on end.

yet when the production ended a month early, all your worries and stresses eased as you could finally reunite with your love in person.

without thinking, you packed all your stuff up once you got back to your trailer to get the next plane back to seoul.

you hadn’t even thought to tell zen until you boarded the plane.

too late now though, as you weren’t aloud your phone on the plane.

what an idiotic rule, you thought.

but perhaps it was better this way, as you could surprise zen with your return sooner than expected.

you gave into the tiredness that followed you around for the months prior, awakening to the speaker saying you’ve landed.

in your half awake state, you got off the plane and called for a cab.

it only took an hour to reach your destination, in which you got more sleep on the way there.

you thanked the driver before heading out, practically running to the front door.

you knocked, hoping to make zen believe you were only a door salesman or a mailman.

you heard some footsteps approaching behind the door in a hurried state, before the door opened and you were greeted with your future husband.

his expression changed in the speed of light once he quickly realized who you were.

you were met with a tight embrace, doubting if you could breath for a second.

zen pulled away not too long after, his excitement getting to him as he said “i didn’t think you were supposed to be home so soon!”

to that, you could only giggle as you admitted the reason behind your surprise.

zen was more than happy to see you home earlier than discussed before.

“this day is too important, we have to do something now!” zen said as he got dressed up to go out in the christmas weather.

with a small laugh, you agreed.

the rest of your day was spent going out to cafes and buying presents for the other rfa members.

and to your luck, the movie turned out a huge success.

not only in germany, but in korea as well.

things worked out for the best, you thought.

but one thing was for sure, you weren’t doing that again.

jaehee kang:

jaehee had brought up the idea of opening a cafe, to which you were 100% in on.

however, in korea you had to have a culinary certificate to own a cafe.

i dont know if thats legit or not i completely made that up

but if you had to get a certificate, you were going to get it in the best way you could.

and a college you had come across was perfect for that.

it was a good price and had a great reputation.

there was one problem however, and that was that it was located in france.

which was a 12 hour flight away from seoul.

you knew there was no opportunity like it, but you couldn’t stop yourself from being on the edge about it.

you didn’t want to leave your friends and family here for 2 years while you went off to another country on your own.

plus who knew if something would happen to you while you were aboard?

your concerns were slightly lessened after you brought up your worries to jaehee, and the encouragement she gave you was overwhelming.

she suggested for you to go for it and that she would hold everything down in seoul while helping the rfa in planning future parties.

on the upside, it would give her more time to save up more money for the opening just in cause it was needed.

with hesitation, you decided to go along with her words and study in france for some time.

you would miss each other, but you both knew it was what you two needed to ensure a sucessful future.

while you were aboard, jaehee would attend culinary classes in korea here and there.

you would keep in contact frequently, but never had the money to go back to seoul on holidays to reunite.

so once those two years had passed, you were out as fast as possible.

you loved france, but you loved your girlfriend more.

you hopped on the plane home, eager to see everyone again.

and once you arrived at the airport in seoul, the first thing you saw as you exited the plane was your girlfriend standing there, eyes focused on the doorway waiting for your arrival.

and once your eyes met, you were quick to run up to her while opening your arms to hug her strongly.

two years was such a long time to be apart, but all was well now.

shortly after, the two of you opened the cafe and were met with an incredible amount of support from the community and rfa.

now you were content to settle down in seoul with the love of your life.

jumin han:

you were very business driven, which jumin liked about you.

even having your own fashion company.

you were unlike many other women he had come across before in various ways.

but the downside to your business focused mind were your frequent business trips.

some would last a day while others would last a week.

though this recent one you were expected to take was unlike anything you had ever had to do before for work.

it suggested you stayed in china for a month as you worked out many business issues and proposals.

while your company had began trending recently, you had never expected this.

the first thing that came to your mind once reading the email was your husband.

you felt horrible when you had to leave him alone for a day, but a month?

you couldn’t even imagine how much that would hurt him.

however, this wasn’t something you could just refuse.

if you did, you weren’t sure if your company would continue standing.

and so later that night, you told jumin everything over wine.

how you didn’t want to but knew your company wouldn’t survive without it.

he didn’t know what to make of everything.

this came at the worst timing.

he needed to stay in korea for the time being for business, so he couldn’t join you in china either.

reluctantly, he supported you in your travels.

he understood your situation, but made you promise to call him every night.

which you had no problem with.

and so with a sad smile, you had left a few days later.

things were frustrating in beijing, but you at least had the comfort of your husbands voice to fall asleep to.

everyone at the office noticed jumins shift in mood as soon as your left.

yet without a voice of concern, things carried on as if nothing happened.

the day you were set to come back, jumin cancelled all plans to spend the day with you.

you needed to make up for the time the two of you lost, and you needed to rest in the comfort of your own home again.

thankfully, your company didn’t meet it’s downfall just yet.

in fact, it was now prospering.

saeyoung choi:

your day was going as it normally would.

well, as normal as a day with saeyoung can go.

yet it all changed when you got a call that your brother had gotten into a bad car accident, and the situation wasn’t looking good.

you didn’t know how to react, so many emotions and fears were overwhelming you.

you knew you were your brothers emergency contact, as he had no one else close to him in his life, so it was no question about why they called you while you were in seoul and he was in brazil.

but after learning about the situation, you quickly realized that you needed to get back to brazil as soon as possible.

they didn’t know how long he had left, and the remainder of his days would require for him to get help to do everyday things.

with your eyes barely spilling over, you told saeyoung everything.

you were met with a hug as he comforted you.

when you brought up the fact of needing to leave, he didn’t think twice before giving you his blessing (though he knew you didn’t need it).

it would be hard on him because he wouldn’t be able to join you as he was in an active mission, but he would keep in touch and make sure of your safety from countries away.

after all, he would do the same if saeran were in your brothers position.

the next day, you backed your flight to brazil, packing only what you needed.

your days in brazil passed in pain, as you watched your brother fight for his life daily.

until one day, his body gave up on him and he passed.

you were devastated.

you were on autopilot in public and breaking down in your hotel room when no one was around.

after attending your brothers funeral and a week of mourning, you began to book your ticket back to seoul.

yet in your state of heart ache, you didn’t realize the change in the countries health as the coronavirus started running through every town in the nation.

planes were unavailable and travel was banned.

now you were stuck here for the next 6 months, always hopping the next month would be better and you’d finally be able to go home.

saeyoung was on his toes all the time, not feeling the same without you.

and you missed him more and more as the days went on.

when the time finally came, you rushed to buy a ticket, though most people weren’t flying due to their fears surrounding the situation.

the plane was empty, allowing you to sneak your phone, sending a text to saeyoung.

“i’m on the plane home now” you typed.

saeyoung was overcome with joy to see your message.

though you had to isolate for 14 days, at least you were in the country and close to him.

once you got off the plane, went into isolation, and tested negative for covid, you ran to your shared home.

opening the door to be greeted with the same old smile that teased you every morning was a refreshing sight.

you ran up as he lifted you in a tight embrace, swaying you side to side in a wave of excitement.

after months of stress and anxiety, you could finally breath.

that realization alone was enough to make you burst out into tears of relief.

your feelings were contagious, as you saw saeyoungs eyes starting to water as well.

you were finally safe and sound in his protection, and that was all he could’ve asked for..

---

01:51 AST - 09/01/21

[hookingminor]

invisible string - cale makar

a/n: another old fic rewritten for our fav defenseman sorry the gif I found is so large I could not find any horizontal ones I liked that fit my aesthetic rip

word count: 3.6k

warnings: alcohol, very brief mentions of blood/injury

summary: based on taylor swift’s invisible string

-

You were going to miss this park.

Every Saturday afternoon you come here. Most of the time, you spent your day underneath the large oak tree planted in the center of the park, nose deep in whatever book you were currently reading. This month’s choice was I’ll Give You The Sun. Occasionally, you would do homework or take a nap, but your favorite thing to do was read. This oak tree was your favorite spot in all of Calgary, and you were really going to miss it.

After five years in Calgary, you were finally moving back home to Denver. Your family moved around a lot as your dad was transferred frequently, but your true home was Denver. You hadn’t been back there since you were six, but it was still home.

Calgary was always temporary. You knew eventually you’d pack up and leave, your parents dragging you along with them because you were only sixteen and had no choice, but it got exhausting after a while. You just wanted to stay somewhere.

Even though you knew your time in Calgary was limited, it didn’t stop you from falling in love with the city.

On the Saturdays that you spent tucked away underneath the tree, you always let your mind wander into daydreams of meeting someone there. You dreamed of being swept away in a whirlwind of a romance, and it all started with meeting someone at the park. All your daydreams could probably be tied back to the numerous romances you continuously read or due to the fact you longed for a teenage love, but what could you say? You were a hopeless romantic. Maybe it would be someone walking their dog or an afternoon jogger running into you or a lost tourist asking for directions. Either way, you thought it would be the most romantic meet-cute, under your special tree.

Five years passed, though, and your dreams of meeting someone dwindled until the only reasons you went to the park were purely for peace and quiet. Now, you were spending your last day in Calgary in your favorite spot, soaking up the sunshine as you finished your latest book.

On the last page, five paragraphs from being done, you heard a loud scream.

Your head snapped up, concentration broken as you searched around for the origin of the noise. Lo and behold, off in the distance, you saw the form of a boy rollerblading down the bike trail. There must have been some sticks or rocks on the path because the boy kept shouting as he wailed his arms around, unable to stop.

You watched as he continued stumbling for a few seconds before he careened off the trail and into the grass, tumbling onto the ground before rolling into a nearby tree.

Initially, your jaw dropped in shock, a soft gasp escaping as you covered your mouth with your hand. You waited a few seconds, watching for movement, and then you heard the pained groans coming from the injured boy.

The boy gradually pushed himself up by his hands, and you could see the bloody scrapes on his forearms even from your distance away. He slowly got back up on his feet, limping across the grass as he made his way back to the trail.

Not being able to help yourself, you began laughing at his misfortune. Now that you knew he was okay, the screaming and fall replayed in your mind, and you couldn’t help but laugh at the situation.

You thought you were far enough away that he wouldn’t be able to hear you, but you were sadly mistaken. The boy’s head turned to the sound of your laughter, and he followed it until his eyes met yours. You stopped laughing, but the smile on your face refused to fall as you took in his disheveled state.

He watched you try to hide your amused smile to no avail. It only took a few seconds of chuckling while directly staring at him before he returned your smile with one of his own. You saw a flash of teeth and the corner of his lips pulled into a smirk. He gave you one last glance, shaking his head slightly before turning back towards the direction he’d come from. You watched his figure rollerblade back down the path, avoiding the obstructions this time, and disappear from your vision.

The boy rollerbladed to the park the next Saturday. He skated by the same spot where he fell last week and glanced over to the centered oak tree, hoping to see you again, but you were nowhere to be found.

-

Cale couldn’t sleep. It seemed like no matter what he did, he just couldn’t fall asleep. The team had put him in a hotel for a few weeks while they worked on finding him a more permanent residence, but despite the comfort of the hotel bed, he didn’t find the mattress agreeable.

He’d been in Denver for two weeks now and he’d yet to see anything in the city besides the arena. His days were full of hockey practices and meetings, and his evenings were full of extra training at the gym. The latter was his own personal choice; he didn’t want to squander his chance at playing in the NHL and felt that he needed to train a little harder, being new and all.

He tossed and turned in bed for two hours before finally giving up. Sleep obviously wasn’t going to come to him soon, so he might as well kill some time instead.

Pulling out his phone, Cale searched ‘diners near me’ into Google and scrolled through the list of options. He selected the one nearest to him that was also open twenty-four hours, entered the address into maps, threw on a pair of sweatpants and a sweatshirt, and was out of the door within three minutes.

The chilly, brisk walk to the diner took ten minutes from the hotel. Cale hadn’t been in Denver long, but he knew the weather was going to agree with him, if only because he had so much experience with the bitter cold Calgary winters.

A bell dinged above his head as he entered through the front door. Cale glanced around the small diner, noticing a few old truckers at the counter, a young teenage couple near the window, and a girl his age tucked away into a corner booth writing into a notebook.

A middle-aged woman with graying hair approached him at the front, a menu in her hand.

“Just one?” She asked him, noticing his lost puppy look. Cale nodded his head in agreement, following the lady to a secluded booth.

She set down the menu in front of him before pulling out a mug to pour him a cup of coffee.

“New around here?” She asked him as his eyes read the menu slowly.

“Is it that obvious?” He replied with an awkward chuckle.

“We usually have a small group of regulars. Your ‘deer caught in the headlights’ look is a dead giveaway,” she said with a warm smile. “I’ll give you a few minutes to decide.”

The woman walked back behind the counter, serving more coffee to the truckers. He saw one cook in the back kitchen ,but other than those two, no one else was working. Probably because it was a little past two in the morning on a Wednesday.

He took his time reading over the menu; he couldn’t decide if he wanted a breakfast platter or a nice burger with fries. He’d narrowed it down to two options when he saw you shuffle out of the corner booth, backpack slung over your shoulders.

You walked his way, the only path to the front door was past his table. His eyes connected with yours, and you gave him a warm smile.

Pausing next to his booth, he watched you as you leaned over his shoulder.

“If you’ve never been here before, I highly recommend the caramel and cream cheese French toast. It’s not on the menu, but they’ll make it anyway if you ask. Oh, and get tater tots instead of the hashbrowns, they’re a lot better,” you suggested.

You flashed him a bright smile, and Cale’s eyes lit up. It felt like he’d seen that smile before, an old memory from a dream that he couldn’t quite remember. He wanted to say thank you or maybe ask what your name was, but you continued on your way out the door before he got a chance to reply. His gaze stayed fixed on the swinging bell above the entrance long after he’d watched you turn down the corner and fade into the night.

His trance was broken when he heard the voice of the waitress call out to him.

“So, did you decide on something?” She asked, a knowing grin on her lips.

The two choices Cale was torn between suddenly vanished from his mind; he couldn’t even remember what he wanted to order before you said something. Cale bit his lip and thought about it. French toast really wasn’t on his diet. All he could do was hope that the extra hours he spent in the hotel gym would pay off and negate the sugar-filled and fatty calories he was about to consume.

Closing the menu without a second glance, he turned his attention towards the waitress. “Yeah, I’ll have the caramel and cream cheese french toast with tater tots, please.”

-

Cale was riding high. The team had just made it to the Stanley Cup finals, and no one could contain their excitement.

Going against the advice of their coaches, a few of them had decided to go out to celebrate. It was nothing big, just a small dive bar on the edge of the city. They wanted to celebrate their hard work, not get so trashed they’d be completely useless for practice tomorrow. They still had their toughest games ahead of them.

The bar was quiet, only a few local patrons were there besides the team. If anyone knew who they were, no one approached them about it. The night passed quickly, laughter and cheers filling the small space as pints of beer were drained.

“Makar, grab the next round,” his captain ordered, and he was too happy to do so. Cale was the resident golden retriever on the team. Someone would say ‘jump’ and Cale would ask ‘how high?’ but he didn’t feel used. He loved being a part of a team. So, he made his way across the room to the bar and ordered two more pints.

For you, it had been a hell of a week. And not in a good way. You finished your Bachelor’s degree almost two weeks ago, but the stress didn’t end when you turned in your last finals. Work was awful, but you still had another couple months until you began your life as a real career woman. You were stuck there for the rest of the summer, promising your supervisor that you wouldn’t leave during their busiest season just because you’d graduated even though you really wanted to put in your two weeks. It was a mistake to make that promise.

After spending a day running numbers and creating spreadsheets that a ten year old could’ve done, all you wanted right now was a drink: the strongest drink you could think of. Perhaps an entire bottle of whiskey if they’d allow it. Or if you could afford it.

The minute after your shift was over, you were out the door and removing the suffocating blazer before you’d even hit the sidewalk. You began the familiar route to your favorite bar, being that it was close to work, cheap, and almost always empty.

When you entered the small bar, you noticed it was slightly busier than normal. Still relatively quiet, but busier than you were used to. You didn’t let it deter you as you walked directly to the bar.

However, it seemed the universe wasn’t done punishing you because when you were five steps away from the countertop, someone turned around abruptly. A hard body slammed into yours along with half a pint of beer.

“Oh, fuck me!” You exclaimed in distress, throwing your hands up as the beer splashed all over your blouse.

“Shit, I’m so sorry!” The culprit said, setting the beers back on the bar behind him. He reached over to grab a handful of napkins and then began patting furiously at your top.

“It’s fine,” you sighed, “Today just really isn’t my day.” You took the napkins from one of his hands to dry yourself off.

You looked up to face the man who’d drenched you with cheap beer, and you were met with a dazzling pair of blue eyes. They looked familiar, as if you’d seen him before but couldn’t remember where.

He caught your stare, his lips quirking into a smile at the sight of you. Cale felt a tug inside him, like the feeling of butterflies, when he saw your face. Waves of coolness washed over him, and he was lost in your eyes.

“I’m sorry I ruined your shirt,” he said in a daze, unable to look away from you. He really hoped it didn’t come off as creepy, but little did he know you felt the same way.

“It’s okay, I wasn’t attached to it anyway,” you said, all your previous anger leaving your body. It was actually one of your nicer tops that would cost way too much money to dry clean now, but you weren’t thinking about that.

“Do I know you?” You both asked at the same time. The coincidence caused you two to burst out laughing, and he swore he’d heard that laugh before.

“How about I buy you a drink to make up for this?” He asked, beaming from ear to ear.

Your eyes twinkled as you nodded your head, and Cale felt his heart burst at your smile.

-

A year passed in a blurry haze. The night out at the bar turned into a two hour conversation with the stranger who’d spilled beer all over you. He apologized profusely the entire night and introduced himself to make up for it. He only ordered you two drinks, but you spent hours together laughing.

You told him about your hellish day and complained about work, and he recalled the wins and upcoming games he had in the next couple weeks. Soon, you were exchanging life stories and you found out he was originally from Calgary. You discussed your hobbies and interests outside of work, the best movies you’ve seen recently, and where in Denver you could find the most authentic Mexican food.

Eventually, it neared one in the morning, and Cale had to get home for practice in the morning. As much as he wanted to stay longer to talk to you, he knew he had to get going before his teammates ratted him out tomorrow.

“Do you mind if I walk you home?” He asked, the drinks between you finished long ago. It sounded a little odd asking a stranger he just met if he could essentially follow her home, but he hoped he didn’t give off stalker vibes.

“I’d like that,” you replied with a smile. It sounded a little odd agreeing to let a stranger you just met have your address, but something tugged at your heartstrings and told you to take the leap.

When he dropped you off outside of your apartment, he had asked for your number. That night turned into a first date and that first date turned into many dates. Cale easily swept you off your feet, and it was even easier to fall in love with him.

After years of dating the wrong guys, of being burned and cheated on and lied to, the world had sent you the perfect man. A man with a soul equivalent to a thousand beaming rays of sunshine all wrapped up in perfect blonde hair and blue eyes and rosy cheeks.

He did everything for you. He sent you flowers randomly, surprised you with your favorite takeout, and took you on the most extravagant dates. You went to his games, house sat his plants when he was on roadtrips, and left him little notes in his suitcases to find when he was away. You knew within two months of dating that he was the one you were going to end up with. Cale was your forever.

There were no awkward phases in your dating life, no uncertainties or questions about what you were as a couple. Cale was as taken with you as you were with him, and you both knew what you wanted out of your relationship. It felt like you knew each other for years, like he’d always been there in the back of your mind, just out of reach and waiting for you to find him.

You didn’t know how much you believed in fate, but it felt like the universe made him specifically for you. He understood you like no one did and you could communicate with him without ever saying a word. If soulmates and other halves did exist, there was no doubt in your mind that Cale was your missing piece.

It was a year after you began dating that Cale invited you back home with him. He wanted you to spend a few weeks over the summer with him and his family in Calgary.

Cale was elated to introduce you to his family. He planned on marrying you one day, and he wanted everyone to meet the woman who’d stolen his heart. Everything about you consumed him: your hair, your eyes, your smile. There wasn’t a single part of you he wasn’t madly in love with and there was nothing about you he’d change. It was a long time coming, you going home with him, and you couldn’t be more excited about it.

He spent the first few days showing you around his favorite childhood hangouts, the rinks he used to skate on and the pizza places he used to frequent with his friends. He showed you his high school, secret hidden spot near a small lake, and the best ice cream shop in all of Calgary.

It was one day when you were walking through the old park you used to read where you shared your favorite spot.

“When I lived here, I used to spend every weekend under that oak tree,” you said randomly, pointing out to the large tree across the grass.

“Really? I used to rollerblade through this park sometimes. One day I completely ate shit on this path,” he chuckled, remembering the painful memory. “I sprained my wrist and arm. Couldn’t play hockey for three weeks.”

“How old were you?” You asked curiously, thinking back to the day you saw a boy fall.

“Sixteen, maybe?” He replied, brows furrowing in thought. You and Cale were the same age.

“This might sound crazy, but I think I saw you fall that day,” you said. Cale turned to look into your eyes.

“Were you the girl laughing at me under the tree?” He asked skeptically. The blush forming on your cheeks and the way you broke eye contact answered the question for you.

“It was you! I always thought it was rude how you didn’t offer to help me,” he said with a hearty laugh.

“To be fair, I was worried when you fell down. But then you got up and seemed okay, so I didn’t bother,” you said defensively.

“Still, you sat there and laughed at me while I bled on the grass,” he teased, slugging your arm lightly.

“Well, it seems that everything turned out okay for you,” you said, rolling your eyes dramatically.

“Yeah, it did,” he replied wistfully, reaching down to hold your hand with his.

The two of you walked through the rest of the park, but your gaze kept flickering back to the center field where your tree sat, your brain replaying the daydreams you had about meeting your true love underneath that tree. A nostalgic smile spread across your face, and Cale noticed your suddenly cheery mood.

“What are you smiling about?” He asked, a playful grin of his own appearing. He couldn’t help but smile when he saw you smile.

“Nothing,” you replied, keeping the tender secret to yourself.

+1

Three years later, Cale took you home with him over the short winter break he got while the All-Star Game happened. You walked through the park together, a tradition that you created ever since that first summer back.

The air was cool and crisp, the skies a beautiful shade of purple and pink against the blue background. He led you over to your favorite tree, pulling you from the usual path you took around the park. In all the times you’ve been to the park with him, you’d never actually taken him to sit under your tree.

You felt butterflies erupt in your stomach at the feeling of being in your favorite spot with your favorite person. Your heart rate began to pick up as Cale dropped your hand to stand across from you, giving you a knowing smile.

When he took a step back, you felt the tears begin to well up in your eyes as if your heart knew where this was heading before your brain could process it. Cale lowered himself onto one knee before he pulled out a small velvet box from his coat pocket, opening it to reveal a diamond ring.

The fantasies you created in your mind all those years ago finally came to fruition that snowy day in January. All along you knew that one day you’d meet the love of your life under this tree even if you hadn’t realized it at the time, and you thanked whatever gods existed for the invisible strings that tied you to Cale.

[sopxhiea]

Rules

Alfie Solomons X Friends with Benefits!Reader

Summary: She’s known as a dancer in a high end club but he’s known her for not so long. She decides the rules, he goes along with them but sometimes, he’s the one making the rules.

“If you interrupt me one more time, so help me god.”

“Obviously you have mistaken me for somebody who gives a shit.”

It’s late. 

Late enough to hear the dogs howling in the groggy streets of London as the black sky decorated the horizon. The room was quiet, only the sound of breathing filling the hollow walls of the apartment. The silence wasn’t unusual and it was more than welcomed. The owner wasn’t home, a familiar body was standing in the spacious entrance.

You weren’t home yet.

Feeling the soft material of the lacy undergarment residing around your upper thighs, you looked around to see who was still in the club. It was close to the weekend which meant that it was getting busier than usual. Men were mostly drunk or intoxicated by the movements of the ladies around. There was no one to entertain in the club anymore so you moved towards the interior rooms to get ready to leave.

The space was decorated with mirrors, make up clutter right in front of them as some of the girls packed the last of their garments to leave. The sun would approach soon, sunlight beaming through the groggy city but you hoped to make it home before then. Slowly gathering your stuff and stuffing them all in your bag, you looked at yourself in the mirror.

The club wasn’t the usual, much like you.

It was a place for rich lads, some aristocracy and the kind of men that had to be served in private rooms because of how high they were up in the pyramid scheme. Most of the work you did was talking, some dancing here and there and you were done. Nothing ever got physical since it wasn’t a brothel, but a place for fine entertainment.

The make-up was off, your natural skin color glowing under the countless bulbs that decorated the mirror. The club was mostly empty now, car sounds no longer audible. It was dead silent outside, the hour when the city would be asleep and you’d walk home on your own. It was a treat to say the least.

The cold weather attacked your skin a bit too quickly as you made your way down the street. Your flat wasn’t too far from the club, just perfect distance for a night walk. It was dangerous in the streets, especially for a lady like yourself but you had a gun hidden in your bag and a long needle that held your bun together and you knew your way around both of those tools.

The night seemed quiet as you walked, no sounds of chatter but a few drunken lads from a couple blocks away. You hugged your coat a little tighter and realized that you were less tired than usual.

-----

The inside of the house was quiet, an uneasy feeling in the pit of his stomach as he looked through the corridor. Your dresses were on the floor, a couple mugs here and there sitting on the piles of books. He saw a nightgown and your knickers on the floor and decided that you had gone to the club a little later than usual. As far as he was concerned, everything was normal.

The sound of keys jiggling outside the door made him turn towards the entrance and before he knew it, you pushed the door open with a gun in your hand that was pointed at him. Your breathing was even and the gun in your hand didn’t shake in the slightest.

He greeted you with a smile.

You lowered the gun down in a swift motion when you realized who it was. He was wearing his usual smile, broad as he walked towards you with dense eyes. He was wearing the usual attire but his prayer shawl was missing and you realized it was past saturday.

There he was, the handsome stranger.

He wasn’t so much of a stranger really, not since he’d made you chant his name until the sun was down and you had to go to work. He knew the way your body responded, what you liked in the bedroom and just how to kiss you to make you beg. 

He didn’t know anything about your family, where you’d spent your childhood or the way you’d silently pray each time you saw a shadow. Alfie didn’t know what meals you cooked, how you liked your tea or anything past your occupation and name and where you lived. 

He didn’t need to. 

And he wasn’t allowed to.

“What the fuck happened to sayin’ ‘ello, pet?” he said with an amused face that you didn’t mirror. You were still a bit tired from work and he never came over afterhours.

Those were the rules.

He was allowed to come anytime before your work and never after you’d just arrived home. He would usually call before and let you know. He wasn’t allowed to buy you things or take you out, even though he’d stayed over a couple times before. You knew limited information and about him and he the same, and he wasn’t allowed to break any of the rules.

“Sorry. I’m just a little..” you spoke with a soft tone and he could hear the tiredness seeping from your limbs as he took a look at you.

You looked tired but beautiful nevertheless.

Your figure was a bit slumped, the kind of tiredness that came from working too hard and not because he was the one tiring you out. You weren’t wearing any make-up or fancy clothes, it was his favorite version of you. He didn’t like all the make-up you had to wear for the club or the fancy lingerie but he had no say in any of the things you did. You had made that painfully clear for him.

“Ya’ alright?” he asked while walking towards you, voice a little concerned at your state but you were a bit too tired to care.

And you wanted to hug him, really badly.

Alfie was very rough around the edges, far too rude at first sight for any lady but it would take a split second to realize that he wasn’t rude at all, that was just the way he was. He brushed shoulders with gangsters, people of the underworld who had to do dirty things to get food on their table. He had blood in his hands and for a man of his kind, he was a gentle one.

You immediately leaned a bit closer when his hand came into contact with your shoulder.

“Fine.” you nodded, little bits of your hair framing your face and Alfie leaned in even closer, standing right in front of you with his hand on your hip.

“Do you want anythi-” you started speaking in a softer voice than normal and Alfie felt himself melt a little but his eyes didn’t leave yours.

“Nah,’m fine, pet.” he said, in a low whisper. He was very gentle at that moment, almost like in a daze.

He had met you in a very unusual way.

You had crashed into him, face on his chest one day when you were out buying groceries. The flowers in your hand were crushed when you bumped into him and he had no time to apologize before you’d started screaming at him for being so careless. He’d listened you shout while thinking about how lovely you were and then asked you out for tea that very same day.

You had said yes and then somehow ended up on his bed. You’d left without saying goodbye but then bumped into him a couple weeks later. He had talked charmingly the whole time and then it happened again, again and then once more before you established some rules so that he didn’t think this was more than a stress relief situation.

“What are you-” you started talking again with his face closer to yours but he interrupted you soon, speaking softly against your irritated face.

“I had a fuckin’ job, right, jus’ around the fuckin’ corner so I figured..” he spoke but trailed off with a smile and you finished it for him.

“So you figured you’d have a quick fuck-” your smile was less evident as you looked at him while speaking.

“A visit, lass. A fuckin’ visit is what ‘m here for, innit.” he said, interrupting you once more and he saw your blood boil which only aroused him.

“If you interrupt me one more time, so help me god.” your voice was stern as you looked up at the man. He was twice your size yet you did all the ordering around.

He didn’t mind.

He had been with his share of women, mostly in brothels but he’d usually leave out that part. He loved women, that was a given but he had never grown fond of one before. You had seem like the polar opposite of him when you’d first met and all that did was to draw him even further. He didn’t like the warmth that spread through his chest when he saw you, it made him feel young and defenseless again.

“Sorry, pet.” he said, face even closer to yours now. You knew what he was here for but it didn’t fit the rules, you had no problem sending him home.

“You came here for what?” you spoke against his lips, not kissing him just yet but simply teasing. He was a sucker for that.

He smiled when your fingers caressed his cheek and your lips almost touched his. He wasn’t here for a fuck this time, he had simply dropped off. He had business around the corner with a butcher’s shop that was causing him some trouble and realized that you’d be home soon.

He also wanted to ask you a question but that would come later.

“To see ya’.” he said, simple as that while your lips ghosted over his. Your eyes were locked into his and he didn’t seem to be lying from the way his face relaxed.

“Hm.” you said, humming before you leaned closer to plan your lips on his.

The kiss was slow, not the usual teeth against teeth you had with him. His hands were on your waist while yours resided on his chest and cheek. He was savoring the moment since this was rare with you, very rare. You wanted some relief on most days and that’s when you’d see him, not when you wanted a hug or a small chat.

But you weren’t complaining in the slightest.

You broke the kiss, a bit hesitant at first while staring at his lips. He was searching for your eyes when you parted but you wouldn’t look with the fear of him catching something in there. You slowly walked away from him, taking your long coat off and throwing it on the sofa. The house was a mess but that was the usual. All you and Alfie did was fuck anyway so the only place he would be concerned with was the bed.

You sat down on the chair in the corner of the room and looked at him, standing near the entrance with his broad form. He was here for something, you could tell but he wasn’t so keen on giving it to you. It wasn’t like you were dying to know but Alfie was not someone who’d usually ask for anything, let alone anything from you.

All he would ask was a fuck and that was the arrangement.

“You’re gonna talk?” you said, watching as he made his way to the corner you were sitting on and sat on the sofa next to you.

He didn’t speak for a while. His hand tugged at his beard while he looked at you, lost in thought. He wasn’t really looking at you but through you, which was unusual considering he was one of the first people to ever see you for who you were. You didn’t like to think about it, he was good in bed and that’s all you were concerned with.

“Ya’ hear what’s goin’ on in these fuckin’ streets?” he asked, head motioning outside for a split second before he directed all his attention to you again.

Your eyebrows furrowed and you spoke, not a care in the world as he looked at you. “Seeing as I arrive home at this hour, no.” you said, eyes searching for his for a second before finding them.

He seemed uneasy.

“There is a fuckin’ war, yeah, a dangerous one, lass and it ain’t gonna look pretty for ya’ when they realize ya’ fuckin’ know me.” he said, measuring each and every word.

You didn’t know why he cared.

In your eyes, you were just a woman he fucked. There were no strings, no seeing each other romantically or any kind of involvement. You weren’t his, not by any means and he wasn’t yours. You’d speak to him if you saw him outside but there was no other involvement other than being with each other for stress relief. For all you knew, he was still making regular visits to the brothel.

But he wasn’t.

He had stopped right after he had first met you. He still had his needs but you were more than capable of taking care of him if he were to knock on your door. He knew the rules, was very well aware of the lines you’d drawn for him but he’d still protect you. Not because you were his fuckbuddy but because he genuinely cared about your wellbeing, even if that wasn’t allowed.

You smiled at him at first, almost felt like he was mocking you. Why did he care? You tilted your head to the side and spoke with an amused voice as he looked at you with concern in his eyes, not something you were used to seeing. He still listened as you spoke. “Obviously you have mistaken me for somebody who gives a shit.”

He shook his head with an amused chuckle. You really had no idea. The Italians didn’t know of you yet but if they followed Alfie enough times, they could easily make out the equation. He looked at your still form for a moment and spoke, saying what he’d been wanting to say since he arrived and you saw the weight being lifted off his shoulders.

“I can fuckin’ protect ya’, pet, if ya’ come live near me, that is.” he said, word by word and he saw your face change.

It was absurd.

“No.” you said, not even taking a minute to think about it as you looked at him. Before he said anything else, you spoke up again with a shaking head. You were still seated, less angry than he’d expect you to be. “I can’t move away from work and I don’t even know how to find another apartment at this time.” you spoke, voicing all your concerns.

He was a gangster and knew the ropes better than you so you opted on trusting him. If it turned out to be a mistake, you would blame it all on him but you didn’t want to get killed because you’d been fucking some bloke. Except that he wasn’t some bloke and he had his own gang.

“I got that figured ou’, I did, yeah.” he spoke to you while leaning back on the sofa. You looked at him with a curious expression. He was amused at it for a second before speaking up again, hand tugging at his beard. “I got ya’ a fuckin’ place of yer own, near where I fuckin’ live, pet...” he said and watched your eyes burn.

Who did he think he was?

The rules were clear and your blood was boiling because this man was breaking every one of them. He wouldn’t care if you were dead, you had thought but the more he spoke, the more you changed your mind. He had already taken care of everything without even asking you and he heard you scoff while his words still filled your ear.

“I’ll have one of the lads to fuckin’ drive you..” he said, done with what he was saying and you snapped back immediately.

“You’ll have someone drive me in the evening and pick me up at 4 in the morning from a gentlemen’s club?” you spoke, eyes stern as they bore into his.

He just nodded.

You scoffed once more and got up, hand on your hip as you paced through the room. He just watched. He could see the questions forming as you looked at him every now and then as you paced. There was a look of panic in your eyes as you walked through the corridors and realized that he was probably right at having you move, you could easily be killed. Even if you weren’t seeing him, it was common for someone to be killed just because they were living in a dangerous area.

“Will they kill me?” you said, and spoke once more before he could answer. “If I don’t move, I mean..... Will I die?” you said, eyes wide with confusion and panic.

So he spoke up almost immediately, not liking your frantic eyes as he was used to seeing your calm features after a good fuck. “I won’t have that fuckin’ happen-”

“But If I refuse to move?” you said, waiting for him to properly answer the question with hand on your hip. He knew you were measuring all the possibilities.

“I ain’t gonna lie to ya’, pet, ‘s very possible, it ‘s.” he said while looking at you. He was still sitting in front of you.

He watched you nod.

This didn’t change anything in your eyes. It wouldn’t mean that you were dependent on him or that he would have any power over you. You’d just be protected and the chances of you getting killed because of him would decrease. You measured it all in your mind and realized that it was probably for the best.

“Fine.”

------

His movements were fast, feral almost as his skin came into contact with yours every other second. The bed creaked, not too loud while your panting filled the room. Hands holding onto him by the shoulders, you let out a shaky exhale when he adjusted the angle. His hair was messy as it fell on his forehead, moving each time he thrusted into you.

“Fuck.” you whispered against his lips when he started moving faster, hand on his back and neck while his remained on your waist.

He groaned against your neck with each movement, holding your legs up on his knees in the process. A thin layer of sweat was apparent on your skin even though it was freezing outside. You watched him lift his head, facial expression covered in bliss while the morning light hit his face.

It had been a week since you’d moved into the apartment and 4 of those days had been spent with you and him testing the new bed. You had gotten a new one for yourself and he’d joked about how you’d have to break into it so that it was comfortable and you had given him one look and there you were, four days later with your legs wrapped around him.

Your back arched off the bed the faster he became and he was soon becoming erratic, gasping for air and you felt your body slowly tense and give in. Your hands dug into his back as he moved, reaching his climax soon after. He stayed like that for a while while you regained your breath, feeling your body grow tired with each passing hour. You swallowed as he slid out of you and collapsed next to you on the bed.

The rules were still in place.

You stared at the ceiling while he stared at you while laying on his stomach next to you. Your hair was messy, the tie no longer holding it together and tangles here and there. He watched your heaving chest, breath a little lost as you locked your lips. 

And then you turned to him.

His eyes had already been on you but you hadn’t realized. He was staring, not gawking but looking with some sort of softness in his gaze. You didn’t smile as you inspected him and the way he was looking at you. You didn’t do the same to him, feeling yourself grow a bit too uneasy at the feeling of being watched.

And if you looked for too long, you were afraid you’d get lost.

Slowly lifting your body off of the mattress and sitting next to him, you came to realize that most of your lower body had gotten sore in between days of tidying and arranging the new flat and Alfie not wasting a second to get you alone so that he could spend the rest of the day tiring you out even further. 

He watched your hair fall across your back when you got up, messy from the events that had just taken place. You were not wearing anything so you grabbed your cardigan and wrapped it around your body when you got up. The whole time, he just watched as you moved around your new space.

It already felt like home.

He’d spent most of the days either helping you out or making sure that the lads didn’t damage any of the furniture or simply making you pant on the bed. It had been wonderful if he was honest, he wasn’t as angry and there was no feeling of uneasiness in his chest. He still saw dangerous man from day to day but knowing that you’d be home before you left for work, telling the lads how to put the sofa made him feel look forward to the time he’d get to see you.

He didn’t think much of it, or so he convinced himself that he didn’t.

“Alfie.” you said, you had been speaking to him but he was in his head so he hadn’t heard.

“Huh, what, luv?” he said, lifting himself off of the mattress and sitting on the soft material instead.

“You want tea?” you said, licking your lips while standing next to the door’s frame with nothing but a cardigan on. 

“Hm.” he said, nodding as he got up to put his pants on. He didn’t dress himself any further even though it was cold outside, he felt warm after laying on the bed with you.

He walked towards the kitchen to see you waiting for the water to boil. You looked at him when he appeared on the door and you gave him a gentle smile which he returned with a warmer heart. He walked next to you while you poured the water in the tea cups and his hand met your hip, squeezing gently.

This was not something you usually did.

In the last week, the lines had become blurred. It was hard to tell what he was to you. He had found you an apartment and had even picked you up in the morning when you were done. You had joked around with him during the ride and he’d even made jokes to make you smile, he had succeeded, too.

You shuddered a little when his lips met the space between your ear. He knew your body like the back of his hand, no matter how much you’d want to deny it. You kept your eyes on the water that was pouring out to the cups but his lips had your attention.

“Alfie, I’m gonna burn myself.” you said, in a breathy voice and he stopped with a smile. You didn’t even see his lips soften but you knew he was smiling.

After putting the tray on the table that resided in the middle of the living room, you sat on the soft chair you had brought from your previous place. He sat on the sofa on the opposite corner while waiting for the tea to cool down. He wanted to say something, it was hanging at the back of his mouth but he couldn’t get the words to come out.

And you so took it upon yourself to make him.

“If you wanna say something, just say it.” you said, almost a whisper but he had heard since the rooms were silent. You wore an annoyed expression that he often saw but it only amused him further.

He wanted to ask you if you’d work today and he already knew the answer.

He didn’t like it, the sticky feeling in his stomach each time you would go to work. He had no say in what you did, either for work or on the daily and he knew that but it only stirred him further. There was the fear of you getting hurt but he knew you were more than capable of taking care of yourself.

And then, there was the other issue that wouldn’t leave his mind.

Other men got to see you in fancy lingerie, things that didn’t cover you up all the way and it made him mad. He didn’t quite know why, just that he was annoyed with the whole thing. He wouldn’t say it but you’d see the relief on his face when you’d be back from work or when he’d come to pick you up. He had been fucking you a little more carefully lately, ever since you’d moved in closer to him. He was almost tender, painfully soft with you when you’d let him show you a good time. It wasn’t the animalistic, rough Alfie you were used to but there was complaint, only curiosity.

He didn’t speak, just hand tugging at his beard and you knew he’d wait until the day was over and you’d be back from work to see him still in the same position. “You’ve been in me, Alfie, I won’t get mad.” you spoke, almost sensing the reason for his hesitation and his eyes locked into yours when you were done speaking. 

He figured he’d trust your word.

“Yer goin’ to work?” he asked and saw your features change.

You knew why he was asking but that didn’t change anything.

You had a vague idea as to why he had been more gentle with you lately, why he kissed you deeper than usual and why he insisted on giving you hickeys even though you’d told him not to on numerous occasions. He was more touchy, almost always around with the excuse of ‘making sure you were settled in’. You were just a girl but you weren’t stupid.

And this wasn’t something you could allow.

Men got jealous, they got protective and thought they had some sort of power over you the moment you’d become ‘ their girl’. You hated that anyway, being someone’s girl and knowing how dangerous Alfie’s line of business could be, you didn’t see sense in pursuing the possibility of anything happening with the man. You shook your head and he watched you lick your lips before you spoke.

“Yes, I am.” you said nonchalantly, as if you were trying to tell him that no matter how much he’d ask, you still wouldn’t want it. “You don’t need to pick me up.” you said, expressionless as he looked at your standing yet somehow small form. You hugged the cardigan tighter as he spoke, he watched you put some things into space. Things he’d knocked out of its place when he had been feverishly kissing you.

“I fuckin’ will, though.” he said, eyes stern as he looked at your face. You were a little taken aback but no evident sign of surprise.

“You don’t have to.” you said again, agitated with his need to make sure you were alright when all you needed him for was a quick fuck.

It didn’t work like this, not with you so you wouldn’t entertain the chance of being with him.

“I want to, lass, yeah, so I fuckin’ will.” he said one last time before getting up to walk towards you.

He would be jealous, you told yourself. He wouldn’t like the fact that other people were able to see you in such little clothing, you thought and he certainly wouldn’t appreciate the little dances you would give. Sure, he was a good fuck but he was also a cruel gangster and the balance seemed almost even.

Almost.

You walked away the moment his breath his your face and made your way to the bedroom to tidy up. There were clothes on the floor and books everywhere, you grabbed one and put it on the shelf and he was right behind you when you turned back.

“Alfie, move.” you said, not able to penetrate through his large form as he blocked your way.

“Tell me.” he said, finger under your chin as he lifted your face so you were looking at him.

“Tell you what?”

“Why?” his voice was a whisper as he looked at your small form, chin still between his fingers as his eyes bored into yours.

Your eyebrows furrowed at the question as he looked at your face, Why what? you thought. The question had so many ways of ending and yet, only one question popped into your mind.

Why were you still going to work? Why, when he was the one keeping your bed warm?

You didn’t answer, you didn’t know if there was an answer. It would not work, he would be a jealous man, jealous of the other ones that got to see you in work and it would get unbearable like it always would with any relationship you had. You didn’t say anything and walked away, he just watched.

He left soon after that, not a word or a forehead kiss like he’d usually give you. He wasn’t hurt or broken by anything, he was just waiting for you to make up your mind. The words had stirred something in you, he had seen that when you had looked at him. He just needed an answer now.

Laying on the bed as you watched the street lights dance on the ceiling, you realized you had the answer.

But it would put you in a lot of danger.

-----

Tagging: @clairecrive  @parkbearum @sourirez  @vetseras​ @mollybegger-blog @babylooneytoonz @peakascum

A/n: Hi!! This was something that had been in drafts for a while now so i wanted to post it at last. I hope you enjoyed it and let me know if you’d like another chapter!!

[ngsenvs3000w22]

Blog 10 - Final blog

Throughout the semester we have learned how to become a nature interpreter and what special qualities and skill we should develop. With the weekly blog prompts we wrote we were able to not only write on our experience with nature but make a connection into becoming a better interpreter while also discussing with classmates and their unique experience.

I believe that everyone can have an understanding and appreciation of nature. However, in today’s world it is harder to get people to leave their comfort zones and ever evolving modern world of technology to spend time in nature. I believe the best way to have a deeper connection and fondness of nature one must be in nature with no distractions to really take in the beauty. But as I mentioned, technology has affected this as more kids are staying indoors rather than going out or them choosing to go to wonderland than going camping. In one of the units we read, it expressed how we can use technology as an outlet that can even help reach more people than we tend too.

I believe that we can use technology as a way to lur others into taking a break and going into nature to explore and develop a deeper connection with nature, on a physical, mental, and spiritual level. My best memories as a child were going to our cottage in the summer with my whole family and my cousins and I would go on a walk in the woods behind the house we would sometimes get lost as we were still young however we always found our way back.

Something I love to do when I am stressed or uncertain of what to do, I find just watch in the distance how water moves weather in a river, lake, or any body of water. It gives me a sense of peace and helps we forget about any distraction and focus on a solution or just giving me a break from the world.

I believe as an interpreter we need to show others that nature isn’t so scary and can be an outlet for us to let out steam or clear our heads as everyone can get overwhelmed time to time. I want to be able help others get this sense of relief when going into nature and for them to seek the comfort that nature can provide.

The responsibilities I have as a nature interpreter is being able to connect each and every person in their own unique way to nature, it takes just one memory to either make or break someone’s relationship with nature. Nature can be scary, as sometimes nature can be ruthless showing no mercy to anyone or anything. However, I believe that the beauty while executing safety precautions outweigh the negative side of nature, because everything in life there is always a good and bad side. Not everyone is going to jump headfirst into the idea of spending days or weeks in nature and or have a past fear of being in nature one bad experience can really impact a person’s life and can reflect onto other people around them. For example, my family and I went to Cuba one summer for my birthday and on the trip, we decided to do a 2-day horse riding expedition. We spent a few hours riding while being informed about the rich history of the forest we were riding through by the guide, we pasted rivers, open spaces, we saw some wild turkeys and native plants of Cuba ending up at an amazing natural waterfall. While we spent time at the waterfall, we had an unexpected visitor a Cuban Boa also known as Chilabothrus angulifer. It was my first time seeing a snake in its natural habitat and so close… I loved it. The whole experience truly brought me closer to nature and wanting to spend more time in it and experiencing new things. However, this trip was the complete opposite for my sister, she hated the whole experience since the horse ride was bumpy that caused her lower body to hurt and since she was wearing dark colors she was being constantly bit by mosquitos and to further ruin her experience something I found so interesting and amazing terrified her wanting to leave immediately. What sparks interest in one person might not for the other and my responsibility as an interpreter is to make sure everyone is creating positive memories and connections with nature for them to then want to continue exploring and creating deeper connections.

An approach most suitable for me as an individual is connecting it with wildlife and entertainment. I really liked earth rangers as a kid I have a fascination with animals so anything involving animals my ears perk up and has my immediate undivided attention which is also the reason why I’m studying zoology. Every time I go to a place, I like to know what wildlife there is in the area, which is why on my bucket list I want to go to both British Colombia and Africa. British Colombia has such amazing and unbelieve views and it has such a diversity in its wildlife. People who live there have the possibility to run into bears, wolf and even cougars, this is dangerous however I find it fascinating that they have such strong predators in Canada. When interpreters use wildlife as a way of creating connections, I really enjoy it and find it interesting, and I have a better way of understanding nature around me.

Another approach is being entertaining, getting information back-to-back with little connection or buffers makes me loose interest as this is a way of parting from my regular day to day learning. Hearing someone talk for more than 30 minutes without a buffer or a way to connect with the audience is exhausting especially when it can be approach in a creative and interactive approach. Having a balance of information and buffers can really help the information sink in while creating a fun atmosphere.

Overall, I REALLY enjoyed this class and what a unique take it had with assignments… I was more of making connections with the curriculum our own way and this is one of my classes this semester where I truly learned because I had to take the information and relate it back to experiences. If I could take this class again I would do it in a heartbeat. I also enjoyed reading everyone’s blogs on their own take of each unit and everyone’s experience. I hope everyone enjoys their summer!

Natasha Garces

[whentherewerebicycles]

blah blah journaling behind the cut

OKAY WHY DO I FEEL SO UNSETTLED i will gently disentangle the feelings.

the interview is just a screening interview and i might not make it to the next round! this isn’t even a JOB yet just the far-off possibility of maybe a job someday! but the REALITY of the screening interview on my calendar is making it feel more real that i COULD leave my current job and that is making me feel a bit panicky! to be clear i very, very, very much want to leave my current job but i feel like i’ve weathered so many major life transitions in the past 8-10 months and it’s kind of freaking me out to imagine weathering another one, even if it is a much-desired life transition that i think/hope would ultimately make me feel much more like myself. the prospect of change can be scary even if it’s a good change. this is not a feeling i can resolve it is just a feeling i will need to hold loosely & breathe through as i move forward.

i am nervous about the interview itself, mostly because i have spent the past six or seven months feeling pretty disconnected from my old self and pretty emotionally adrift in an existential crisis about my current job, and i am worried i will not be able to quickly & easily access my old thoughts/feelings about the work i used to do. but i have seven days to do some sustained thinking, journaling, and talking with friends/students to reconnect with that not-SO-distant version of myself. plus the coordinator confirmed they’ll be sending me the screening questions the day before, so i’ll have time to thoughtfully prep and practice.

liz is leaving today and we won’t see each other again in person until late april which feels so far away :(((((( i never want to waste the last day being in a funk about parting but i am in a funk about parting. but it will be ok. we got to see each other like every two weeks for the last three visits and we will both be traveling a lot in the meantime so the time will go faster than i think!!

i am traveling for a family trip this weekend and the logistics are slightly complicated (seattle to phoenix to palm springs to san diego to seattle) and that always makes me feel a little unsettled even if i know the trip itself will be fun. plus i have to do a bunch of errands before i leave AND pack for a different climate and i’m nervous about not having clothes that will work out. but it’s fine it will be fine.

WHAT CAN I DO TO QUIET MY WORRIES 

i can book airport parking (one lightly stressful logistics thing out of the way) and make a detailed to-do list and packing list so i have less free-floating anxiety about the trip itself. i can also map out the different legs of the trip and figure out when i’ll have time to work on interview prep, which i think will help me feel less stressed about preparing.

i already created a doc and spent a few hours researching the program i’m applying to, jotting down notes for examples/ideas from my previous job i can talk about in the interview, and making a list of things i want to be ready to discuss. i think i feel a little scattered in the way i’m prepping now, but if i carve out a solid block of time tomorrow to make a detailed prep plan i can just work my way through it steadily instead of feeling like there are a million scattered things floating around in my head. this will also make me feel more excited about the job which will help ease me through the scary AAAAAA MORE LIFE TRANSITIONS???? feelings.

liz and i are going to book our next visit now so we have something to look forward to! also i think we will go on a walk and that will help ease the pre-period hormonal jitters.

tonight i will have time to sit down and calmly think through all aspects of the next week (logistics, interview prep, work schedule, etc.). having a solid plan will make me feel less all over the place. and tonight i will also have time to do some good quality lying around and self-soothing activities (reading a favorite classic fic etc) which i think will help restore my feelings of equilibrium

[maneskinrollercoaster]

~ We’re Everything To Each Other That We Ever Needed 3: Being Without You Is Like Being Without Myself ~

Pairing: Ethan Torchio x Chiara Russo (fictional character)

Word count: 4629

Warnings: smut, swearing

Summary: Ethan makes an unexpected decision.

Ethan stormed out of the bathroom and went downstairs to see Damiano sitting on the couch in the living room. When he saw Ethan he immediately stood up.

- Ethan.. fratello.. I’m so sorry.. - Damiano said trying to reach Ethan’s shoulder.

- How dare you call me a brother? Huh? After what you did? - Ethan was furious and nothing would be able to stop him.

- I know I fucked up, but hey, you know I didn’t mean that, I’m sorry - Damiano said clearly feeling guilty.

- You’re not sorry, at least have some balls to fucking admit it. - Ethan stood up in front of him. - You always take everything you want huh? You don’t even care of what other people feel, you just go and grab anything you’d like without any consequences. And you had to do it with Chiara too right? You had to take the only fucking person I truly loved! - Ethan grabbed Damiano’s shirt and it was only a matter of time till he hits his face.

- Ethan I swear I didn’t want that to happen, I was drunk.. - Damiano said trying to stop him.

They were both looking into each other’s eyes, Ethan’s dark from anger, Damiano’s guilty.

- You’re pathetic, I’m not even gonna waste my time on you, you fucking piece of shit! - Ethan let go of Damiano, gave him the last death stare and walked out of the house.

*in the meantime*

Chiara was overwhelmed. She was sitting at the counter for 15 minutes now after Ethan left her alone and stormed out of the bathroom. She was numb. Her cheeks were red and wet from the tears, her eyes puffy. She’s never seen Ethan that angry. He was always calm, quiet and when something bad was happening he always preferred to talk than argue. But Chiara couldn’t blame him. She was the one who betrayed him and broke his heart.

Chiara slowly stepped off the counter, not really knowing what to do with herself. She went out of the bathroom and picked up the T-shirt from the floor. She took off the heels and the dress and she put on a shirt, sitting on the bed. Chiara knew that she has no right to be in Ethan’s room but she didn’t have enough courage to go downstairs after what she did with Damiano.

How could you do this Chiara? How the fuck could you cheat on Ethan, he was so good to you, always so caring and loving, so polite, what the fuck were you thinking!? - she said to herself and closed her watery eyes.

Moments passed and she heard a quiet knock on the door. She said muffled “come in” and a second later she saw Victoria entering the room. Her face was serious like never before. Chiara figured that she knows about everything.

- Damiano told me what happened. - she said coming up to Chiara and sitting next to her on the bed. - Girl, you fucked up.. - she sighed.

- I know.. - Chiara’s voice broke. - I really didn’t mean for that to happen.. - she started crying.

Victoria wrapped her arms around her shoulders and pulled her into a warm hug. Chiara didn’t expect that, she thought Victoria will yell at her.

- I know you didn’t want that, Chi. Damiano is so embarrassed, he talked to Ethan and they fought. Ethan stormed out of the house and Damiano locked himself in his room. - Victoria said stroking Chiara’s back gently, trying to calm her down.

- What the fuck was I thinking, Ethan will never want to speak to me again. - she said covering her face and breaking down even more.

- If you really didn’t mean that, Ethan will understand. I’m not saying he will come back to you but give him some time. He loves you and he’s crazy about you. It’s gonna be all good. - Victoria said resting her head on Chiara’s, still stroking her back.

***

It was evening already and Chiara spent the whole day in Victoria’s room. They talked about what happened and Victoria promised her that she will help her fix everything. Thomas also sat with them for some minutes and told Chiara that even though she fucked up big time, he knows Ethan and he’s sure that they will fix it between each other. Chiara also talked to Damiano which at the beginning was really awkward but then they apologized to each other, hugged and decided to leave it in the past. She also promised him to help him with Giorgia. All that didn’t mean anything though as long as she didn’t fix everything with Ethan, which still didn’t come back home.

Ethan was walking around Rome all day, thinking of what to do. He felt lonely, betrayed and not appreciated at all. He felt like he will never be enough for anyone. He was crying half of the time but had to hide it when some fans were coming up to him to take a picture. He’s never been so broken but after all day wandering around he decided to go back home and have a serious conversation with everyone.

- Can you all come downstairs, per favore? - Ethan said, stepping inside the living room.

Chiara heard his voice and her heart started beating faster, her stomach started hurting really badly. She was stressed and when she looked at Vic, her eyes were full of fear. Victoria took Chiara’s shaking hand and pulled her towards the door. They went downstairs where Ethan was sitting on the couch. When he saw Chiara he was shocked that she was still home. His heartbeat increased and hands started sweating. It’s gonna be a lot harder than I thought - he thought still not letting his eyes off of Chiara.

Girls sat down on the couch opposite Ethan and a minute later Thomas and Damiano joined them and sat next to them. Ethan’s face was serious, without any emotion but inside he felt like he’s gonna explode any minute.

- I have something important to tell all of you. - he said looking at his hands.

They were all looking at him, waiting for the answer when he looked at them one by one.

- I’m leaving the band. And Italy. - he said breathing out all the air he was holding in his lungs for what felt like forever.

- WHAT?! - Victoria raised her voice.

Surprise was un understatement. They were all shocked of what Ethan just told them. Leaving the band? How? Thomas, Vic, Ethan and Damiano were inseparable, when they were arguing it was always temporary because they could never stay mad at each other. But Ethan’s face was serious and they knew he wasn’t joking.

- What do you mean you’re leaving the band? We’re in the middle of the European tour, we have so many festivals arranged for the next months, you can’t just leave Ethan! - Damiano said, deep down knowing he had no right to tell Ethan what to do.

- You see that’s the point! You never care about what I feel, you only think of yourself and what people will say. And I’m always the one left out alone, dealing with everything by myself. You guys don’t give a single fuck about me! You never ask me how I’m doing or if everything is okey! And I’m done, I need a break, from all of you! - Ethan said with his voice raised.

He looked at Chiara.

- Ethan please, don’t leave. It’s all my fault, I know, I’m sorry, but don’t leave them just because of what I did.. - she said pleading.

- It’s not only about what you did, it’s about all of you and they way you treated me like air for the past months. I deserve better.

They didn’t know what to say. Ethan never would have thought himself of leaving the band and when he said those words it sounded so unrealistic. He knew the break will bring Måneskin a lot of problems but he didn’t care, he was proud that for once in his life he stood up for himself and didn’t stay quiet like usual.

- Where are you gonna go? - Thomas said quietly with tears in his eyes.

- I’m gonna fly to Portugal, to my family. - Ethan said and he knew there’s no going back.

- For how long? - asked Victoria with a breaking voice.

- I don’t know yet. For some time.

- But you will come back right? To Italy, to us. - Damiano asked.

- I’m not certain. I just know I need a break, to rest and think about everything. - Ethan said.

- When are you leaving? - Chiara asked with her face all red and wet from tears.

- Tomorrow, I can’t stay here any longer. - Ethan said letting his head down.

They were all sitting in the living room for at least an hour. In silence. None of them had courage to say anything and they were all too overwhelmed with Ethan’s decision. They knew that him leaving will break them more than anything.

*four months later*

It’s been four months since Ethan left Italy and Måneskin house never felt so empty. After the first day without him, Thomas, Victoria and Damiano understood that he was the essence of their band. They knew that Ethan was right, they fucked him up and never paid attention to him and his emotions. The three of them were always the loudest and Ethan was always the one taking care of every situation and now when he wasn’t there they felt like everything fell apart.

Chiara was completely shattered. She locked herself in her apartment and didn’t leave for two weeks after Ethan left. After their conversation in the living room Chiara went with him to his room and apologized so many times, cried and begged him to stay. Ethan told her that he understands but he won’t change his mind. A break was what he needed, and he hoped that they will all finally see how much they’ve broken him for the past few months and how much they didn’t appreciate everything he’s done for them.

It was a sunny morning and Ethan was laying on the grass in the garden. His aunt lived in Lisbon right by the Tag river. The weather was amazing and Ethan found himself spending a lot of time at the beach, swimming or just laying on the sand and reading books. He’s never felt so relaxed. Yesterday he face timed with Chiara for the first time since he left. It felt weird to see her and speak to her after such a long time but Ethan missed her more than he thought. They way she always joked around and made him happy. He could see sadness on her face even though she tried not to show it.

- I miss you.. - she said looking at him through the screen and gaining courage to tell him how she really felt.

Ethan didn’t know if he should say it back or change the topic. He wasn’t sure about anything these days. He loved Chiara, of course it didn’t change. He knew that he is able to give her another chance and try to fix their relationship but until he’s back in Italy he didn’t want to bother himself with that. Not until he saw her face on the screen. She was still beautiful, as always and even though Ethan was still hurt, the corners of his lips uncontrollably went up making him smile at the sight of her gorgeous face. Deep down in his heart he knew that he already forgave her.

*a week later*

Ethan was standing in front of Måneskin house. He was nervous. Two days ago he decided to come back to Rome and fix things between him and Vic, Thomas and Damiano. His heartbeat increased when he knocked at the door. He had the keys but after such a long time he figured it would look stupid to just come in and act like nothing ever happened. After a few minutes he saw the door open and Victoria standing in front of him.

- Ethan! - she shouted happily jumping at him and hugging him tight. - I’m so glad you’re back - she whispered into his ear, not letting go of him.

- I’m glad to be back too, Vic. - he said hugging her back.

They pulled away when Ethan saw Thomas running towards him and jumping on his arms. Thomas’ eyes were watery and they both laughed when he kissed Ethan’s cheek.

- I missed you so much, Edgar! - Thomas said jumping off of Ethan’s arms.

- I missed you too, Toni. - Ethan said poking Thomas’ shoulder and smiling to him.

Damiano came downstairs and looked at Ethan surprised. He came up to them and stood in front of him. Ethan looked at him for a couple of seconds with an emotionless face and Damiano thought he’s still mad at him, but then Ethan pulled him into a warm hug. Damiano sighed with a relief and hugged Ethan back.

- I’m sorry, Ethan. I’m happy you’re back, the house was a mess without you. - Damiano said still hugging Ethan.

- Let’s leave it in the past. - Ethan smiled lightly just like he always did, pulling away from Damiano.

They were all back together. Four rockstars who loved each other more than anything.

- We’re so sorry for every single time we hurt you, it will never happen again. - Victoria said putting her hand on Ethan’s back.

- I know you guys didn’t mean that. But I would much appreciate you to pay more attention to me. - he laughed and along with him Vic, Thomas and Damiano.

***

- Are you gonna meet with her? - Asked Victoria while her and Ethan were sitting at the balcony in her room.

- I don’t know, Vic. I miss her and I really want to see her, I want everything to be back to normal. But she disappointed me and I don’t know if I’m ready yet. - Ethan said. - By the way, how is she? - he asked, looking at Vic.

Chiara wasn’t fine. Even though four months passed and everyone told her that time will help her heal, she found herself thinking of Ethan all the time. She still couldn’t accept the fact that she let him down and she missed him a lot. He was her everything and if she could she would turn back time and change what happened.

- She’s okey, I guess.. She came here yesterday, we invited her for a movie night. She looked fine, but tired. - Vic said.

- Hmm.. She didn’t come here often when I was gone, did she?

- She came here a month after u left. Mainly because she promised Damiano that she will help him get back with Giorgia. After that she came like twice and yesterday. - Vic explained. - She really loves you, Ethan. I know I can’t ask u to talk to her but she really regrets what happened, you’re her everything. - She said, looking back at him.

Ethan knew that he has to meet with Chiara and talk about everything. He wanted to have her back, next to him. He forgave her a long time ago, he loved her too much to be mad at her. But he didn’t know if he’s ready to trust her fully again.

*afternoon, the next day*

“I’m back in Rome, would you want to meet?”. Chiara was looking at the screen of her phone for good 10 minutes, shocked by a message she received from Ethan. She didn’t expect him to text her at all, she thought he won’t speak to her again. Her cheeks turned red and she got nervous. Should I meet him? What am I supposed to do? - she thought still looking at the phone screen. “Yes, I’d love to. When?”. She tapped a message on her phone with shaky hands and let out all the air she’s been holding. “I can come over to you place today. We have to talk about everything”.

Today. She was supposed to meet him today and talk to him after four months without him. She suddenly felt all her breakfast going up her throat. Her face turned red and her stomach started hurting. She felt noxious. She ran to the bathroom and threw up. Her eyes were watery and puffed. After a while spend in front of the toilet puking, Chiara took her phone and texted Ethan. “Sure, see you at 5?” the message said and Chiara couldn’t believe that she will get to see him after such a long time.

***

It was almost 5 and Chiara found herself running around her apartment cleaning everything and preparing for Ethan. She was about to put the water for a coffee when she heard the door bell ringing. Her hands started sweating and she almost pissed her pants. She slowly opened the door and saw him standing there.

He looked stunning. His hair longer than before, he was dressed in a white buttoned up shirt, tight black jeans and black Dr. Martens. He was so handsome. Chiara gasped at the sight of him.

- Ciao, Chi. - he said with a slight smile on his face.

His voice was calm and deep just as always.

- Ciao, Ethan. - she said, still looking into his eyes.

They were standing in front of each other both not knowing what to do.

- Please, come in. - she said but instead he came up to her and wrapped his arms around her pulling her in to a warm, welcoming hug.

Chiara felt all the time stopped. It was only them standing in a tight hug with each other, enjoying each other’s embrace. Ethan missed her scent and the way she always stood on her tip toes to reach him. She was everything he ever needed and when he finally held her in his arms, he felt like everything was back to normal.

- I missed you so much. - Chiara sobbed into his ear and he squeezed her even tighter.

She couldn’t control herself anymore and she bursted in tears holding on to his neck. Ethan knew that Chiara regretted what happened the minute he saw her sad eyes and he couldn’t control himself either, tears falling down his cheeks.

- Shh.. I’m here, Chi. - he said politely, stroking her back to calm her down.

She pulled away and looked into his eyes.

- I.. - she wanted to say something but Ethan stopped her.

- Let’s come in and sit down. - he gestured at the inside of Chiara’s apartment.

- Yes, yes. - she said and they both entered her flat.

Chiara made a coffee for her and Ethan and they both sat down next to each other on the couch in the living room. They stayed silent for a few minutes just staring at each other and smiling slightly.

- How was Portugal? - Chiara broke the silence, taking a sip of her coffee.

- It was good, weather was really nice. I spent most of the time at the beach reading. - he said also sipping his coffee.

Chiara noticed that Ethan looked a bit different. His arms were more muscular , his chest wider and his thighs bigger. He was so insanely attractive.

- Did you start working out? - she asked surprised.

- Yeah, I had to focus on something and my aunt has a little gym in her garage so I just lifted some weights. - he said chuckling. - So you see the difference? I didn’t know it’s that visible.

- Four months is a long time, of course I see the difference. - she said, letting down her head and looking at her cup.

She wanted to jump at him and kiss him and tell him how much he means to her and that she’s so happy that he’s back.

- Listen I’m really-

- Sorry.. I know. - Ethan interrupted her, putting their cups on the coffee table and grabbing Chiara’s hands. - I know you’re sorry and I know you didn’t want any of that to happen. I understand you were drunk. But you hurt me a lot, cazzo.. You broke my heart Chiara. When I saw you with him.. You don’t even know what I felt. I felt like a part of me died. - he said squeezing her hands.

- I know. - she said quietly loosing all the courage to look at him. - I know I hurt you and disappointed you, but I love you, Ethan. I love you more than anyone could ever think and I can’t imagine my life without you. I know I have no right to ask you to forgive me, but believe me, when you left, my whole world shattered. Because being without you is like being without myself. And what am I without myself? Nothing. - she said with tears in her eyes, finally looking at his face.

Ethan couldn’t stop himself. He cupped Chiara’s cheek with his palm and pulled her closer. He stroked her shoulder with his other hand and seconds later she could feel his lips on hers. The kiss was slow, gentle and full of love. They kissed carefully, afraid that one of them will hurt the other. Chiara wrapped her hands around Ethan’s neck and suddenly he pulled her up on his lap. She pulled away and looked at him carefully.

- I forgave you a long time ago. - he said pecking her lips again. - I love you, Chi. And there’s nothing that can change that. - Ethan kissed her again, more passionately this time.

- But.. wait, what does this mean? - she asked, pulling away again.

- I give you another chance. You hurt me but I realized that you didn’t mean it and I’m willing to try again with you. - he said stroking her cheek and looking into her eyes.

Chiara couldn’t have been happier than in this minute. She threw herself on Ethan and hugged him tightly. He leaned his face against her neck and wrapped his arm around her.

- Thank you - she said, kissing his cheek.

- You’re my everything Chi. I can’t live without you. - Ethan said.

He kissed her again and moments later they found themselves in Chiara’s bedroom, making out on her bed. He pulled off her oversized hoodie and she started unbuttoning his shirt. All the fear, sadness and shame disappeared when Ethan kneeled in front of her on the bed, pulling off her shorts along with her panties. Chiara grabbed his belt and after she took it off, Ethan pulled off his jeans and hung over her beautiful naked body. She pulled him closer, grabbing the back of his neck and while running her fingers through his hair, she kissed him with so much desire. She was needy and so was he. They both missed each other’s touch and a feeling of their bodies grinding against each other.

- I love you so much - Chiara said when Ethan kissed her breasts and started trailing his kisses down her stomach.

- You’re all fucking mine. - he said when he reached her thighs.

Ethan spread them apart and the second he laid his lips on her, Chiara let out a loud moan. He started licking her up and she was tugging on his hair. She grabbed the sheets when she felt him licking her entrance and she couldn’t stop moaning his name.

- Ethan.. It feels so good.. - she sighed when he squeezed her hips and looked her in the eyes, still licking her.

At this sight she lost it and a warm feeling spread inside her stomach while she reached her climax. She let out the last moan and a second later Ethan was above her kissing her dry lips.

Chiara wrapped her legs around Ethan’s hips and, looking into her eyes he put his erection inside her, filling her to the last inch. Chiara screamed from pleasure, a familiar feeling of him inside her. He started thrusting slowly. He remembered the way he fucked her in the bathroom and this time he didn’t want to hurt her. Chiara felt different this time. She knew that this sex was like no other. Full of love, reassurance and passion. It was different than any other sex she had with Ethan and she couldn’t get her eyes off of him. His torso was well built, visible muscles on his chest. His arms were stronger and his back was a lot wider than it used to be. His cheek bones were more sharp and Chiara couldn’t stop staring at him while he was pulling inside and out of her.

- Like the view? - he moaned kissing her cheek and his pace went a bit faster.

- Yes.. - she sighed and tugged his hair.

Even though the sex was slower than usual, Ethan and Chiara felt their high coming. He started moving a bit harder and faster but not too fast to enjoy the moment just a bit longer. Chiara felt her walls tightening around Ethan’s erection and she knew she’s gonna cum any second. Ethan grabbed her face and kissed her harshly while hitting every little spot inside her. They were both on the edge when suddenly Ethan’s warm sperm spread inside Chiara and her walls clenched around him. Both screamed each other’s name reaching the climax together.

Ethan fell on Chiara’s body, they were all sweaty and breathing heavily. After a second he pulled out of her and laid next to her, pulling her closer to him, so she could lay on his chest. Chiara leaned her face against Ethan’s neck and put her hand on his chest, stroking I gently.

- I love you, Chi, more than this world has ever seen. - Ethan said and kissed her forehead.

Since then Chiara and Ethan decided to start a proper relationship. They loved each other more than ever and Ethan knew that it was a good decision to give her another chance because Chiara didn’t leave him once, even for a second. She was constantly trying to show him how much he means to her and she was completely crazy about him.

*a few years later*

- I do - Chiara said, smiling.

She was standing in front of Ethan, in a beautiful white long dress, holding his hands. Victoria’s sobbing could be heard in the back.

- Do you Ethan Torchio take Chiara Russo to be your wife, to have and hold from this day forward, for better and for worse, for richer and for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, until you are parted by death?

Ethan squeezed Chiara’s hands and smiled to her widely.

- I do. - he said and Thomas bursted in tears.

- I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss your bride.

Ethan grabbed Chiara’s face with his both hands and planted a gentle kiss on her lips. She wrapped her hands around his neck, kissing him back and smiling. Everyone started cheering, crying and clapping their hands.

Chiara was nothing without Ethan. Ethan was something with Chiara. Together they were everything to each other that they ever needed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Wow, that was long but I was so excited to finish it that I lost the count of words haha!

I hope you enjoyed these 3 parts.

Thank you so much for reading! 😘

Requests are opened if you’d like me to write anything specific ❤️

Tag list [ @teenyweenynightghost , @superchrystaldrug ]

[axoxtxhxh]

Nobody is You - Chapter 10 - Checklist

Summary: Miche reminisces about the past a bit while spending time with Reader. Something soon happens that makes him question his ability to control his emotions. Song: Checklist by Max ft. Chromeo Content: Implied sexual content, discussions of sex/sexual content, mentions of blood Word Count: ~ 4,300

A/N: The flashback in this chapter is a bit confusing so I labelled when the flashback started and ended. I hope it keeps it easy to follow. Also, this is a pretty dialogue-heavy chapter so I hope that doesn’t mess up the pacing of it.

I appreciate any feedback you have :)

It was another rainy day in November. Most of the trainings that were scheduled for the day got cancelled due to weather and for that reason, November was a favorite month for the younger scouts. Any long mission scheduled for the month usually got pushed back until December simply because they all knew how bad the rain got within and beyond the walls.

Miche had been feeling like his birthday became a birthweek and was slowly turning into a birthmonth as he enjoyed more time he got to spend with Y/N. As soon as the rain started and trainings were confirmed to be cancelled, Y/N dragged Miche from his room up to the stables which is where they’d been all morning and afternoon.

Y/N left to use the bathroom so he laid under the blankets alone as he looked at the watch she got him for his birthday. He spent a lot of time looking at the watch, more time than he would ever admit. Everything about it made him smile. The face of the clock, the inscription on the back, the leather straps that he never used, but appreciated nonetheless. It always got him thinking about at what point Y/N would have started planning for the gift and that always brought him to the same conversation they had.

{-Flashback-}

It was a day back in October, one of the twenty or so times they made it to the stables that month. This time in particular they had an entirely free afternoon and spent a good couple hours talking to each other, one of Miche’s favorite times.

“I don’t want to complain.” He had no idea how to start his question. “But we’ve been having sex like every day, sometimes multiple times a day—”

“It actually does sound like you’re complaining.” She jokingly glared at him and he laughed.

“I just want to make sure you’re okay. Are you stressed? Maybe… Do you want to talk about it?” There had been several times that Miche tried moving things further with her, trying to get out of the ‘friends who have sex’ relationship and onto what he actually wanted. He gave up on that after a while because she never seemed to get his hint.

“I’ve just been tired, that’s all.” She turned herself to lay on her stomach.

“Tired so you decide to have more sex?” He laughed.

“No.” She playfully pushed his shoulder. “I just haven’t had time for swimming and anytime I do have time the weather is bad.”

Miche smiled as her face lit up at the mention of swimming. He wasn’t much of a swimmer himself, but he knew she was. He also knew that she spent a lot of time swimming as a kid with her family and anytime swimming came up in conversation, she would always find a way to work in one of the hundreds of stories she had to tell.

He followed along as she started a new story and watched as she dropped her head laughing, lifting it back up only to cover her smile while she spoke.

“Why do you do that?” He smiled, lightly kicking her leg with his foot.

“Do what?”

“Anytime you talk about something that makes you happy, you always turn away a bit or cover your face. It’s like you don’t want me to see you happy.”

“I don’t know.” She shrugged, thinking about it. “I didn’t even realize I did it.”

“Well don’t do it. If something makes you happy, I want to see it. I want to see you happy.”

“Oh… okay.” She was lost in thought, but a smile slowly crept on her face. “Well you’re always telling me ‘nevermind’”

She did her best imitation of his voice, trying to make hers deeper than it was and they both laughed.

“I do that a lot, don’t I?” She nodded and he laid on his back, looking up at the ceiling. “I’m just not used to people actually listening to me the way you do.”

It had only been a couple weeks of their strange relationship, but Miche knew he was already hooked. Someone he already liked spending time around, who he could also have sex with, who made him feel like one of the most important people in the world when they spoke was more than he ever thought one person could be.

“You make me somebody when everyone makes me feel like nobody.” He bit his thumb nail and tried to ignore the heat moving to his cheeks.

“What?” She sat up, keeping the blanket wrapped around her body and Miche’s had went to rub her knee. “How can you feel like nobody when everyone knows you?”

“You know… the whole ‘humanity’s strongest’ thing?” He shrugged.

“I don’t know why you hate that so much.”

“I don’t hate it, but no one sees me. Not like you anyway.”

“But they do see you.”

“But not me.” He laid back on his side and propped himself up on his elbow. “Think of it like this. Who do you think could take me in a fight?”

“Me.” She gave a quick nod and Miche paused, a smile growing on his face as his cheeks turned pink.

“I love the confidence you have in yourself.”

“You don’t think I could?” Her mouth dropped open in disbelief.

“I know you could. But I love that you know you could.” He finally sat up, facing her. “So if I get killed, who becomes humanity’s strongest? You do. That title only goes to the best and does nothing to represent me, Miche.”

“I see.” She thought about what he was saying, starting to understand it. “So you don’t want to be known as humanity’s strongest, but as singing Miche—”

“Yes.”

“I-learned-to-waltz-for-my-sister’s-wedding Miche—”

“Yes.”

“My-favorite-food-is-sausage Miche—”

“That’s one’s a bit—”

“I’m-only-ticklish-on-my-left-rib Miche.” She moved closer to him with her fingers ready and he covered his ribs.

“Hold on. Wait—wait.” His hands were over his ribs and she knew she missed her chance.

“I’m-also-ticklish-in-the-crease-of-my-thigh Miche—”

“No! I don’t even have on any clothes! Wait!” He squirmed away from her hands reaching under the blanket until he could grab her wrists and pin her to the bed. They were both laughing and he smiled down at her.

“How about I-always-know-how-to-make-my-friends-laugh Miche.” She smiled and he couldn’t hold back his own smile, really wishing he could kiss her. There was nothing stopping him though and he leaned down, letting go of her wrists and connecting their lips. She moved her arms around his neck opening her mouth to his and when she knew he was into the kiss, she quickly moved to tickle his ribs, causing him to jump back and they both laughed. He propped himself up on his elbow again and sighed.

“The fact that you know things like that about me proves my point. You see me as somebody.” He played with a little piece of lint on the blanket. “I don’t ever have to be these other versions of myself when I’m with you. You take humanity’s strongest and playboy and all the other shit people barely know about me and strip it down until I’m only Miche. Until I’m just me.”

When they started this conversation, Miche hadn’t expected it to take the turn it did. He was looking down, unable to bring his eyes to meet hers because he could already feel his cheeks burning up. He did want her to know though. He wanted her to know just how important she was to him.

“I don’t think you realize how much that means to me.” He looked up at her and smiled, her heart skipping a beat at his admission. “I just wish people wanted me to be me.”

There was something about the look in his eyes that had her heart beating quickly and her insides twisting. It wasn’t really a feeling of admiration or anything like that, but she could see in his eyes just how much it really did mean to him. She wasn’t doing anything out of the ordinary which could only mean that not all of the people in Miche’s life cared about him. And the worst part was that he knew that.

Miche couldn’t really read what she was thinking, not that it was a new thing. Most of the time he couldn’t read what she was thinking. This time was different though because out of nowhere she sprang forward and hugged him, her arms pulling him into her tightly and he closed his eyes as he rested his cheek against her chest, smiling when he could hear how quickly her heart was beating.

“It’s settled then.” She pulled back and looked at him. “You will stop saying ‘nevermind’ if I show you when I’m happy… or whatever.”

-end of flashback-

Miche smiled to himself as he ran his thumb over the inscription on the watch again. His attention was taken away as he heard Y/N huffing as she climbed back up the ladder to him. He tucked the watch back in his pants pocket and turned over to face her as she walked to the bed.

“Are you ready to have sex again?” He patted the space in front of him.

“Are you ready? I am always ready.” She pulled off her shirt and pants and he lifted the blankets so she could climb in with him.

“Well even when I’m not ready, I can always just watch you like that first time—”

“That was a one-time thing.” She pulled back from his kiss to make sure he heard her.

“Either way, it’s pretty great reference material when it’s needed.” His lips moved down to her neck.

“I don’t need it as reference material.” She admitted, her hands going to his waist.

“You don’t even think about it?” He pulled back to look at her. “What are you thinking about then?”

“When?”

“When you get yourself off.” He laughed lightly.

“Wh—what?” She looked down, trying not to make eye contact with him. “Not—not that… I think about other things.”

“Do you think about me?” He used the tip of his first finger to draw circles on her stomach.

“What? Why would you ask that?”

“Because I want to know.” He laughed, finding her discomfort entertaining. He could tell she was nervous. “You do!”

“Stop, this is embarrassing to talk about.” Her fingers played with the edge of the blanket.

“It’s not embarrassing.” He grabbed her hand to stop her fidgeting. “But you do, don’t you?”

“I’m not responding to that question.” She smiled.

“It’s not that big of a deal.” He laid back and put his arms behind his head. “I think of you.”

“You do?”

This was something she never thought about before, but now she didn’t think she would ever be able to get it out of her mind. Even when they weren’t together, Miche was thinking about her. She smiled to herself a little, but shook it off. This wasn’t a thought she needed to let herself get comfortable with.

Miche watched her thinking and smiled. He knew what she was thinking about, he could almost read it on her face. She might not have admitted it, but he could tell that she did think of him and it may have been a strange thing to give him butterflies in his stomach, but there was no doubt they were there.

“So…” He looked at her and smiled coyly. “Do you want me to give you reference material?”

She was confused by what he was talking about until she saw him smile and throw his head back, moaning loudly.

“Yes! Fuck! Oh God, Y/N, yes! Yes!”

“STOP! You’re so loud! Stop!” Her eyes were wide and she needlessly looked around to make sure no one could hear. Miche lifted his head and looked at her.

“Oh, you like it quiet? I was pretty sure you liked it loud.” He bit his lip, throwing his head back again as he moaned breathlessly. “Yes, nngh, yes. Yes.”

“Stop it! I like it when you listen to me!”

“Oh? When I listen?” He rubbed his hand over his chest and started speaking in a slightly higher tone. “Mmm, yes, whatever you say daddy. Mmm.”

“Oh my gosh!” She dropped her head, leaning forward as she laughed, resting her face against his chest.

“That’s the winner?”

“No.” She laughed and looked at him. “I have enough reference material.”

“You sure?” His hands moved to her cheeks and he kissed her quickly, but deeply. “What about positions?”

“What do you mean?”

“Come on, you have to have a favorite position or something?” She was thinking and he used the chance to interlock their fingers. “There’s nothing that really gets you going?”

“I mean, I guess, maybe. I can’t really think of it right now with you staring at me like that.”

“Sorry.” He looked down, smiling.

“Why are you asking me this anyway?”

“I want to know what you like?”

“What for?”

“Why are you questioning me so much? We’re having sex, is it wrong that I want to give you as much pleasure as I can?” Even after he said it, he felt like it came out weird. It’s not that he didn’t mean it, but he could tell there was a weird feeling between them now and while he did mean it, he wasn’t sure that the way she took it was entirely what he wanted.

“Fine. Well, what about you?”

“Can I be honest with you?”

“I don’t know why you assume I would ever want a lie.”

“You are really great in bed, but there was one thing I was really surprised by.” He looked down a little, trying to give her a hint without saying it.

“What?” She waited, wondering why he didn’t finish his thought. “Surprised by what?”

“Your… you know… You have a pretty phenomenal…” Miche let his eyes move down to her groin, nudging with his nose.

“You’re talking about my vagina?”

“You make it sound so scientific.”

“It’s anatomy.”

“Well whatever it is, it’s amazing. I’m talking amazing.” He closed his eyes, smiling into his lip bite. “Everything about it. The way it smells, the way it feels, the way it tastes, the way it looks, like damn, it’s even cute. Can I see it now?”

Miche lifted the blanket up and tried to peek at her before she quickly slapped her hand down, blocking the view.

“What are you—what is wrong with you? Stop it!” She complained and Miche dropped the blankets, laughing as he laid back down.

“So basically, you asked me what turns me on and when I asked you the same, you start complimenting my body.”

“I guess so.” He looked over to her with his arms behind his head.

“Wow.”

“I was surprised! I didn’t really expect it to be… so good.” His voice trailed off a little at the end, thinking about what he was telling her. He really enjoyed being able to talk to Y/N about anything, but while being able to compliment the intimate parts of her body was great, he wished he could form into words how he felt about her entirely. He knew how he felt, but figuring out how to tell her was a whole other thing.

There was a lot about Miche that Y/N really loved, but one of her favorite parts was that he never had any issues talking about anything. Nothing was off limits with him. Even better than that, he didn’t judge her, he may joke about it, but there was never any judgement, no matter what it was. It was a strange feeling that she didn’t get to experience with many other people. Complete acceptance. It was strange, but good.

“Anything about me that surprised you?” He asked excitedly. She thought about it. There were quite a bit, but one thing stood out from the first moment she saw him naked.

“There was one thing.” She smiled, biting her lip and looking away.

“Oh?” Now he was curious.

“Yeah. Do you want me to be honest?” They both laughed at her question. A question Miche asked her too often.

“That’s my line, but yes.”

“Well, you are one hairy ass dude.” She laughed. “I was definitely surprised when I first saw.”

“What?” His mouth dropped open with a huff of laughter.

“Yeah, like so hairy. Your legs, your arms, your—"

“I’m a man!”

“I didn’t say it was bad.” She smiled.

“It sounded like you did.”

“Sorry, let me rephrase it. I was pleasantly surprised.”

“So then… you like it?” He leaned in to kiss her, bringing her hand to his chest. She didn’t waste a second running her fingers across his skin and through his chest hair.

“Yeah, I do.” They both smiled before he pushed his lips against hers, opening his mouth and catching her upper lip between his teeth then breaking the kiss.

“What else do you like?” He leaned back.

“About you?” Y/N’s eyes went wide as she looked at him.

“Um…” He chuckled nervously. “It doesn’t have to be. Jus—just what you like… about… like in a person.”

Fuuuuuck. This is embarrassing. Why did I ask that? Miche was frozen, unsure of what possessed him to ask her that, but more unsure of how she was going to take it. He laid there trying his best to act calm and cool and hoped that she didn’t notice his face sweating.

“You mean like a perfect partner checklist kind of thing?” She questioned and he let out a silent sigh of relief.

“Yeah. Like that.”

“Hmm, I haven’t really thought about it.” She tapped her chin.

“Really? So the only thing on that list is hairy?” He teased.

“Very funny, you go first.”

“Me? I’m a simple man.”

“Oh please.”

“She has to smell nice.”

“Of course.”

“Good kisser.” Y/N rolled her eyes and started picking at the blanket lint. “Affectionate, but not overly affectionate. Especially not with anyone else. Only with me.”

Y/N was focusing on the blanket more intently than necessary. She didn’t think it would be as difficult as it was to hear what Miche thought was the ‘perfect woman’. Each thing he listed off had her mentally thinking about whether she possessed that quality or not and she hated herself for that.

“Strength is important. I like a strong woman.” He could see her looking down and all he could think about was how much he wanted her. How badly he wanted to tell her that she was it, she was his checklist. “Intelligence is also up there.”

“But not more intelligent than you, right?”

“She better be smarter than me.” He laughed. “The pool of women dumber isn’t that big.”

“You’re not that dumb.”

“I am compared to you.”

“Yeah, yeah. What else?”

“She has to like sex.” His arms were behind his head again. “As you know, I have a pretty high libido.”

“Not as high as mine.” She narrowed her eyes at him with a smile.

“Very true. And finally, she must like cuddling. And pillow talk. I love that shit.”

“Oh, very simple man.” She rolled her eyes at him again.

“Your turn.”

“Well manly is number one.” She sat up to better explain. “I also like a bad boy, but not a real bad boy, just the one that looks like a bad boy, but is actually sweet.”

Miche was making mental notes as she spoke, hoping that each item on her perfect man checklist came somewhat close to him. He knew he didn’t have a lot of the qualities she liked when he compared himself to her past boyfriends, but he honestly couldn’t remember most of those guys very well anyway.

“Funny, he needs to make me laugh.” She continued. “Confidence is important, but he should be able to admit his shortcomings.”

“Well damn, don’t make it too specific.” He laughed.

“Excuse me, this is my list. ‘affectionate, but only with you’” She mocked and it made him laugh harder. “A cute smile is also important. Bonus points if he has dimples.”

“Like mine?” He smiled widely, showing off his two little, but perfect dimples she hated that she loved.

“Like yours.” She nodded. “I also want him to follow me—”

“Like a puppy?”

“No. Not like a puppy.” She playfully slapped his hands and laughed. “Like a sunflower follows the sun. I just want him to keep an eye on me.”

Miche looked at her as she spoke and smiled. It almost didn’t even matter to him whether or not he checked on the boxes on her ‘perfect man’ checklist because watching her smile as she thought about it had the butterflies in his stomach going crazy.

“And finally! He needs to be considerate.”

“That’s quite a list.” He shook his head with a smile.

“Yes, well it’s not like—” Y/N was cut off by the loud growling of her stomach and they both started laughing.

“Someone’s hungry.”

“Yeah, it’s already dinner and we skipped lunch.” Y/N reached around for her clothes and Miche pulled her closer, burying his face in her chest.

“Just give me a minute.” He took a deep breath and she relaxed as he laid there for a minute until her stomach rumbled again. “Let’s go. If you’re needing a considerate man, I should make sure you’re eating.”

“I didn’t mean you when I said that.” She laughed and started getting dressed. There was that jab. That little comment she always made that reminded him they were just ‘friends’ and she didn’t think of him as anything more. He tried to laugh with her and they both got dressed and headed to the mess hall.

Miche ran up to grab Y/N a cup of water and brought it back and she thanked him. She had only mentioned that she forgot to get water and before she could even stand, he had jumped up telling her that he would get it. Not that she was complaining about it, but he was acting strange.

She moved over so he could sit back down and as he set her cup in front of her, his elbow hit his fork and it flung up and landed on the floor and he sighed causing a laugh to escape her before she could cover her mouth.

“I’ll get it.” Y/N laughed and stood up. Miche thanked her as she moved to the kitchen to grab it for him. He turned to Hange and Erwin and started eating his bread joining in on whatever it was they were talking about. It sounded like fighting over the idea of why titans attacked people.

He noticed Y/N coming out of the kitchen and smiled, watching her walk towards him. His smile quickly dropped when he saw a scout run up behind her and pick her up. She started laughing and the scout set her down and when she turned to look at him, he pulled her into a hug which had Miche narrowing his eyes.

“Who is that?” He asked himself, but loud enough to Hange and Erwin could also hear. “What the fuck is he doing?”

Erwin turned to look at what Miche was seeing and Hange turned noticing both guys distracted. Miche could feel that hot pit in his stomach again, the same pit he felt when he watched Erwin kissing Y/N, but this was somehow worse. The heat got hotter and continued building until he could feel it in his chest and he stood up. Erwin looked up at Miche, knowing he was going to do something.

“Miche, sit down. It’s fine.” He tried to calm him.

“It’s not fine. Why is he touching her like that?” Miche watched the scout’s hand hover on Y/N’s lower back and watched as he grabbed the back of her ponytail and pulled lightly. “What the fuck did he just do?”

Miche was seeing red. He couldn’t even remember walking over to them, but suddenly he was standing behind Y/N. He barely remembered seeing Y/N’s face when he shoved the scout into the wall. He couldn’t remember hearing Y/N yelling at him when he grabbed the scout by the neck and held him against the wall. He didn’t feel Y/N’s or Erwin’s or Hange’s hands pulling him away from the scout when he threw the scout to the ground and he certainly didn’t hear any one of the voices in the mess hall yelling when lowered himself to the scout and hit him in the jaw, the first, second or third time. He did, however, see when Y/N moved in front of him and blocked Miche’s view of the scout and he blinked quickly, leaning back.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” She yelled with a completely exasperated tone in her voice and her eyes wide and worried.

“He… he pulled your hair.” Miche explained, his chest rising and falling quickly as he breathed.

“So you beat the shit out of him?” She pushed Miche back and Erwin pulled him away so Y/N and Hange could take the scout to the sick bay. He was able to get a brief glance at the scout’s face before Erwin pulled him into the hall. His face was covered in blood and already started to swell.

“Holy shit!” Miche’s hands went to his temples. “Holy shit, Erwin.”

They stopped in the hallway and Miche bent over, taking deep breaths while Erwin rubbed his back.

“I can’t even remember hitting him.” He confessed.

“Good.” Erwin spoke quietly and Miche looked up at him. “Because we’re going to tell the commander that you were drunk.”

“Fuck, should I go apologize?”

“I really don’t think that scout wants to see you right now.” Erwin set his hand on Miche’s shoulder.

“Fuck.”

Taglist: @luanabonn​ @hadassackerman​ @honeybrulee​

[exquisitley-obsessed]

We’re Leaving (Carlisle Cullen x Reader)

Author: @exquisitley-obsessed

Summary: The already infatuated Carlisle Cullen and reader are faced with their next challenge, but this time the danger is within their own family. Edward needs his father as he pulls away from Bella over the course of NEW MOON, but this means Carlisle must make the choice between his own happiness and that of his son’s. No matter what he chooses, someone’s going to get hurt.

Word Count: long

Pairings: Carlisle Cullen x Reader

Warnings: Heartbreak, abandonment, sex, drug abuse

A/N: Technically this is a fourth part of my ‘Dinosaur and the Vampire’ series however you don’t need to read it to understand. Plus, in my head this part functions better as a oneshot.

Dinosaur and the Vampire:

Part One

Part Two

Part Three

MY MAIN MASTERLIST

Y/n gasped, the pain was rippling from her chest now, ricocheting through her muscles as she collapsed on her bedroom floor. She could already guess his next words.

‘We’re leaving.’

***

The past couple of months had been glorious. Following the disaster that was the ending to y/n’s junior year where she somehow managed to get tangled up in a high speed car chase with a vampire named Victoria (who had promptly taken her hostage in order to track down y/n’s best friend Bella) - things had begun to look up.

Her infatuation with the town’s local medi-hero Carlisle Cullen had surprisingly taken off, after of course he revealed himself of being a 300 year-old vampire who had a taste for bunnies. Most days she met up with him at his mansion in her brand-new white Ford Bronco, that which Carlisle had bought specifically to save her life and, following the destruction of her own car, decided to gift her - that was an interesting conversation with her parents. 

Of course that accident hadn’t just left her with a beautiful new mechanic baby but also some battle scars. The largest of which was a crescent white line arching over her left brow, not to mention the faded lines circling her waist. Her arms had healed up nice enough, the rope had caused them to double in size as blue and green bruises splotched on the surface for the first few weeks but they eventually died down. The story went that after being in a lot of stress and anxiety y/n had lost sight of the road and crashed into a car and it was stunning how no one thought to question it.

It was difficult being around her personal doctor for the first few days after the crash. So often would she catch him staring mournfully at her scar and bound hands, evidentially blaming himself for her battered state. Y/n spent most of the time convincing him she was fine and reminding him that she would go through so much worse to be where she was today.

And where she was, was a few weeks into her affair, unbeknown to all apart from Carlisle’s family and Bella. Together, Carlisle and her would often circle around the endless abyss of wood and glass that was the Cullen house, or drift up and down the small forest of a garden they had out back. Talking, always talking.

Carlisle was fascinated by every aspect of her previously thought mundane life. She could watch as he made mental notes of her favourite bands and books, what colleges she wanted to go to, her dream job. Y/n so often hated talking about herself but only because she felt that her life paled in comparison to that of Carlisle’s. He had of course explained his entire existence to her, right from its origins in 17th century London, and yet there was still so much he mentioned off-hand that left y/n floored.

Of course with the cat being out the bag, y/n’s and Bella’s friendship felt like it was flourishing for the second time. Now Bella was able to be honest with why she had been so distant, she didn’t have to lie when she explained the intensity of her and Edward’s relationship or why she kept disappearing with him after school. Y/n was able to confine to her about her relationship with Carlisle, about the way he always seemed to be looking at her through his soft amber eyes and the way he was so comfortable in touching her. Constantly brushing his fingers over her wrist or stroking her hair out of her face. All in all y/n had never been happier, of course until Bella’s tragic 18th.

***

For a night that would be so monumental to y/n’s life it seemed strange she wasn’t even present. Her parents had somehow dragged her on a holiday in Florida. And after giving Bella her early birthday present and a promise to Carlisle that she would be careful, she hadn’t thought much more of her time away. She spent most of the time on the beaches, reading and reliving all her memories with the doctor.

He had kissed her only a few nights ago. It came quite literally out of the blue. She was only stopping by his house to pick-up Edward’s copy of ‘The Catcher in the Rye’ when he was at the door waiting for her he seemed somewhat disturbed, as though he had had a rough day at the hospital. She had smiled at him as she got out and he in turn had pattered down the front steps.

“Hi.” Was all she managed to get out before he had caught her lips in his, his body flushed against hers as she was pushed against the car.

“Sorry.” He whispered breathlessly when the kiss had unfortunately come to a close and he rested his forehead against hers, gently rocking her in his arms. “I couldn’t wait any longer.”

Yet she couldn’t stay on holiday forever and inevitably she returned to the mess that was life back at Forks. When she got home the first thing she wanted to do was see Bella, to ask her about her birthday, if Alice got her that necklace y/n helped pick out, but Charlie was no help.

“I’m sorry y/n...” He looked incredibly stressed. His shirt old and stained his hair sticking up at the back, heavy set bags hanging below his eyes. “Bella...she’s...she’s not good right now.”

Y/n assumed Bella had come down with something and so she shrugged it off, blaming Charlie’s appearance on well, Charlie stuff. It was the next day at school when things started to feel really wrong, when the pain began to dig it’s hole.

***

“You looking for the Cullens?” Angela asked. Y/n snapped her head around, embarrassed that she had been caught glaring at the completely empty table near the back of the cafeteria. She would have never guessed it was related to Bella’s illness.

“Something happen?” Y/n tried to appear disinterested, picking at her food. It was September and not sunny so it didn’t make sense for them to be away perhaps they were in need of a feed or maybe they had family business...

“Yeah, they moved away.” 

Angela said it like someone would talk about the weather and yet she might as well have leaned across the table and shoved her fork through y/n’s chest.

“What?” The word squeaked out. Y/n felt the colour drain from her face.

“The dad...you know the doctor one...well apparently he got some big time job offer down in California and...”

Angela’s words dissolved into the air, muffled by some invisible blanket. Distantly y/n was aware of her arms going limp, her fork clattering out of her hands as her body tingled numbly underneath her. The worst feeling was the shortness of breath, the way air couldn’t seem to move through her lungs anymore as her chest was weighed down with what felt like a sphere of lead.

The rest of the day couldn’t pass slowly enough. In history it seemed like y/n was watching the clock forever her mind racing a million miles an hour. Surely they hadn’t left properly, Carlisle couldn’t leave without saying goodbye at least. No, it had to have something to do with vampirism, maybe an old friend called or maybe they were in danger, 5 more minutes then gym and then she would find out.

In the end she decided to skip gym altogether jumping in her car and racing home, still in her daze. She needed to see Bella and then she would head up to the Cullen’s, there was no way they had really moved away. Maybe it was just so the humans weren’t getting suspicious, a strange feeling pulled at y/n’s gut as she remembered that technically, she was a part of the ‘humans’ or supposed to be at least.

“Charlie is Bella in?”

“I’m sorry y/n-”

She pushed past him, muttering an apology as she went but Charlie appeared too exhausted to stop her. Turning left she raced up the stairs two at a time before exploding into Bella’s room, she would know from Bella, she would get her answer.

Bella sat on her bed, her face white, her eyes glossed over. She didn’t even look at y/n as she walked in.

“Bella?” Y/n’s voice was shaky, the tears already bubbling in her throat. She knew deep down that she already had her answer. “Bella?”

Finally she turned to her, but there was no recognition. Nothing. Complete emptiness behind her eyes as she stared back for a few seconds before her eyes flickered forward.

Y/n left, apologising to Charlie under her breath as she jumped back in her car. But it was too late, the pain had already settled in her chest, her mind was already convinced. They were gone. He had left. Without even saying goodbye.

It was inescapable now, it spread like fire across her body, consuming her whole. She tried to start up her car but her body doubled over and she grit her teeth in pain. It had begun.

***

She didn’t know where to go, what to do. Most of her wanted to go to the Cullen’s house but she already knew it was most likely empty, devoid of all life. Could she really handle that?

Y/n went to start up her car when she realised that this car was all Carlisle had given her besides her own memories. She raced out of it, turning away from the sight of it and running into her house.

When she got to her room she shut her curtains with so much vigour a few hooks snapped off the edge, she knew she would see the pale car in her drive if she left it open. Before she knew it she was crying, trying desperately to control her emotions before they consumed her whole. Then she saw it.

Resting on her bedside table was an ivory note with her name etched onto the page in rich navy ink.

‘Dearest y/n l’n,’

A letter. He had left her a letter. She opened it carefully, if what she assumed was true this, as well as her car, might be all she had left of him; her sobs still hiccuping in her throat, she raced her eyes over his calligraphy. Five paragraphs. That was all. Five paragraphs loosely explaining how Edward was in a rough place, how people were judging Carlisle for his youth, how he needed to put his family first - five paragraphs.

Y/n gasped, the pain was rippling from her chest now, ricocheting through her muscles as she collapsed on her bedroom floor. She could already guess his next words, the words to conclude the letter.

‘We’re leaving.’

The worst feeling was when she read ‘we’, she knew from this word alone she was to understand that Carlisle did not group her with his family. The letter gave no insinuation that he was deeply sorry for their departure, or that he would in any way return at all. How, in the space of a few hours, could her world be turned completely inside out?

She went from giddily planning a small future with Carlisle to believing he had never cared for her at all. If he did, it certainly wasn’t as much as she had cared for him. Another wave of pain beat her down. She was just a stupid kid with a crush. Another wave. She was a fool, an embarrassment to assume that he wanted her even half as much as she wanted him.

Her tears got too much then, the letter shaking out her hands as the pain, now unbridled, exploded out of her. The waves of heartbreak crashing into her again and again, her stifled screams bouncing off her walls and ringing back in her ears, haunting her with her own pain. 

He was gone, and he had taken her heart with him.

***

“Y/n we’re worried about you.”

“Don’t be.” Y/n laughed loudly, pushing her untouched pasta around on her plate. Angela glanced at her through tense eyes. “I already have a mum, Angela.” The words came out harsher than she meant to, not that she cared.

“But seriously, Mack?” Angela whispered, her voice low so the others wouldn’t hear. Y/n rolled her eyes. 

“We’re not a thing, we just hang out and he...helps me out.”

“He’s a druggie.” Her voice was low, accusing, incredulous. Another roll of y/n’s eyes.

“Duh Angela. What do you think I meant by ‘helping me out’.” Angela just shook her head disappointed. Y/n didn’t care, she couldn’t. Technically sitting at that lunch table on that Friday she was still coming down from her high this morning, her brain soft and fuzzed around the edges and, most importantly, the pain in her chest non existent.

The drug scene in Forks was nothing to be impressed by. It was only by luck that y/n had met Mack, a guy a few years out of high school who had never made it to college. Y/n was pretty sure he was crushing on her but she didn’t mind exploiting that a little if it meant she got high for free. 

It had been four months since they had left. They might as well have taken Bella with them considering she was a shell of a human being: unresponsive, uncooperative. There was nothing behind her eyes, just like the day y/n had come searching for her. That had been one of the last times y/n had stepped foot in the Swan house. Partly because y/n’s new found drug habits wouldn’t go down well with Chief Charlie Swan, partly because y/n couldn’t stand the sight of Bella.

The emptiness, the hollowness, the pain. It was just a reminder to y/n of what was waiting for her the day she became sober. In the beginning, after a few days of wallowing in the pain, feeling as though she were unable to move, y/n had forced herself to go to the beach where she had ran into a bunch of La Push boys. They were smoking green and it was clearly their first time, they called out and invited y/n over clearly expecting that she wouldn’t accept.

But she surprised both them and herself by walking over. After sitting and smoking them with a bit she found herself smiling and laughing at their jokes as her head became warmer and fuzzier, moreover, the pain of his abandonment warmed into nothingness. She had asked them where they got the weed and they had pointed her in the direction of Mack.

“Down for tonight?” 

Y/n read the text as it flashed across her screen.

“You bet :)″

She sent back. Two more lessons and then her high could be refreshed and the cycle could continue.

***

Y/n gasped as she awoke. Nightmares had been more common the past week. They were a regular occurrence when he had first left but going to bed high had always numbed it out. But recently his ivory skin and ribbons of muscles were becoming clearer through the haze.

Rolling over in the dark with some desperation she flicked on her phone and dialled his number.

“Hey Mack, I just called cause-”

“You have a bad high?” He murmured over the phone, distantly she could hear his TV playing in the background. She could picture him, half-dressed surrounded by trash as he got himself high for the third time today. Y/n pushed the image away - no, I’m not like that. It’s different for me, I have a reason.

“Yeah.” She muttered, “I just didn’t know who to call.”

“Usually bad highs are a sign you’ve been smoking too much.” She had basically been smoking consistently for four months now and if she wasn’t smoking she was drunk and if she wasn’t drunk then the pain began to settle.

“Ugh, are you going to tell me I have to stop?” She laughed quietly over the phone, trying to cover the slight desperation in her voice. Distantly she was aware of her parents sleeping in the next room, it was stupid, she was eighteen now and it felt as though she had been through enough trauma to move out, to get away from school. On the other hand school seemed to be the only thing holding her together now.

“No, you don’t need to stop smoking but maybe try something else?” He asked nonchalantly.

“Something else?”

“I stock more than green but it’ll have to be sooner rather than later.”

“Sooner?” Y/n murmured robotically. She had bought enough to get her through the week.

“This weekend?” He asked, almost as if he read her mind.

“See you then...your place?” She rolled over in the dark.

“See you then?” She could hear the enormous grin settle on his lips and it sent a shiver down her spine - she hung up. She had promised herself to never do anything more serious than weed but now she was faced with an ultimatum: break her promise or embrace the darkness.

***

“Hi Mack.” Y/n smiled when he opened the door, he didn’t say anything just grinned and stood to the side letting y/n into his dingy apartment. Y/n had used the same lie to her parents that she used whenever she came here - that she was sleeping over at Angela's. Not that they ever checked. 

Of course she wasn’t  sleeping over at Mack’s, to be honest she didn’t trust him enough for that, normally she left late and would drive her car up to the Cullens house, it wasn’t too far and the road was easy enough to follow when intoxicated. It was the only time was she was able to wander around the house without feeling any guilt or remorse. 

Mack’s place was tiny, made worse by the clutter and rubbish. A small corridor lead to a small living room which the tiniest of kitchens looked out into. Mack had a strip of lights around the top of the ceiling that were constantly flashing multi-coloured as loud obnoxious music played, somewhat muffled in the smoke.

“Hey y/n.” Danny, Mack’s roommate, smiled from the couch, clearly already lost.

“Hey Dan.” She smiled before collapsing at his feet, her knees propped against the coffee table where booze and skins cluttered the surface.

“You’re in for a treat.” He slurred, his arms limp by his sides as his eyes flickered back and forth, his mouth ajar. Y/n felt somewhat excited at the sight of him, so out of his head - this excitement no longer frightened her.

“He’s not lying.” Mack laughed, full of energy as he jumped up and grabbed something off the kitchen counter before holding it in front of her face. A small white square was compressed in the middle of a tiny plastic bag. “These things pack a punch.” He laughed, y/n laughed. “You’re still down to do this right? I’m not going to pressure you or anything.” He said, and for a moment it looked like he was actually concerned for her.

Y/n thought seriously about it for a moment. There was nothing stopping her from getting up and walking out, telling him that it was a mistake to come here, even just telling him that she’ll run the risk of sticking to green. Except the weed wasn’t enough anymore, she was realising that. To keep him away she would have to go further, and she was more than willing. It seemed somewhat funny, that to escape her doctor she had to pollute herself.

“Of course.” Y/n heard her voice laugh as she shuffled out of her jacket and pulled her hair out from it’s knot. If Mack and Danny could, she could.

“Awesome.” He grinned before sitting down on the coffee table in front of her so that her head was somewhat between his knees. “This is how you take it.” He said, clearly enjoying being a ‘teacher’. Y/n could see him properly then.

Mack was in his early-twenties, the same age he was supposed to be. A short brown beard tufted around his jaw whilst shoulder length brown hair was pulled into a low pony at the back of his head. He was sweet really, just lost.

“Stick your tongue out.” Y/n obliged, picking up on the moment of tension as he placed the white square on her tongue with his forefinger. She felt no guilt as she lapped her tongue back into her mouth slowly, gazing into his dark eyes as his finger rested on her bottom lip.

The rest of the night was a blurry mess; mistakes were definitely made and y/n was definitely going to have to find a new dealer. It was strange how that night only happened because she was so desperate to escape Carlisle Cullen, and yet for most of it, it was his icy face that she was picturing instead of Mack’s.

***

Weeks had passed and y/n’s drug exploration was starting to get a little out of control. She was sure her parents were picking up on her strange behaviours: never home at weekends, always fidgeting, bleary eyed and always tired. Perhaps she was just being paranoid, Mack said that could be one of the side effects. 

But it was lucky she was high one specific Friday as she parked her car outside Mack’s apartment complex. She glared at the Bronco, she had seen Bella ripping the radio (Emmett’s gift to Bella) out of her own truck, removing all traces of the Cullen family’s existence. It wasn’t so easy for y/n.

She was thinking of him again. It had been quite obsessive these past few days and that’s why when she first saw him, leaning against his black Mercedes in the shadows, she couldn’t quite believe her eyes.

“What the hell.” She was so sure she was hallucinating, she blinked fiercely.

“Y/n.” He said her name and she felt her eyes flutter closed, how good it felt to hear her name dripping from his lips. She wasn’t aware she had memorised his voice so well. She audibly hummed in response to the sound before snapping herself out of it and ignoring his form. Mack was just upstairs with something new to try and then he would go away. “Y/n.” He said her name again as though he were sure she hadn’t heard him.

Y/n ignored it. The sweetness of his presence was quickly turning sour, and the corners of the hole in her chest were beginning to sting.

“Y/n, it’s me.” That stopped her. From the corner of her eye she could see him step out of the shadows, his pale skin iridescent in the street light. He looked unsure, pleading, desperate. “Y/n.”

“No.” She gasped suddenly. There was no more guessing, she couldn’t even try to deny that it was truly him. She stumbled slightly in the street and he was by her side in a second. When she was stable in his arms he held a lock of her hair between his fingers inhaling deeply. “Your blood smells different.” He murmured. She had forgotten what it was like to be around people who could move so quickly. “Y/n, what have you been putting in your body?”

“Leave me alone.” She murmured, her head still fuzzy and numb from the sight of him. Was it a dream? No it couldn’t be. As she got over her shock, anger pooled in her gut. 

“Are you high?” His eyes were confused and worried.

“If I am what would you do about it?” She smirked. “You have no right to critique my lifestyle.”

“Your lifestyle?” He asked somewhat incredulously, his eyes were slowly melting darker and darker. “Poisoning yourself with LSD is a lifestyle for you?”

“It’s a coping mechanism.” She spat suddenly. “To deal with the pain that you left me with.” That shut him up.

“I would’ve never left if I knew you would do this.” He grimaced. Wrong move.

“Stop!” She gasped suddenly, her arm snatching to her gut where she was sure the pain would brim over. She thought seeing him again would melt her troubles away, instead his presence seemed to intensify them. “Stop talking like you get a say in what I do! You lost that privileged the day you left! Left with nothing but a stupid note Carlisle!”

“I left to protect you. I didn’t want to cause you pain. Remember Victoria?” Was all he could say in response.

“Victoria...” Y/n spat. “What Victoria did to me pales in comparison to what you did. You’re the one whose hurt me the most Carlisle. Do you understand?”

She was still in shock at the sight of him. A million questions were racing through her head but none of them seemed as important now. Her shouting must have alerted someone’s presence because she heard movement near the apartment steps as someone walked up to them.

“Are you okay?” It was Mack but he seemed a million miles away now, unimportant.

“Are you her dealer?” Carlisle strode forward, his voice pure steel.

“Carlisle stop it!” She spat, jumping forward and pushing against his stony chest but it was like trying to move a mountain.

“Are you the one that did this to her?” Carlisle ignored her, still towering over Mack.

“You did this to me!” She suddenly exploded. Carlisle was past listening.

“If I ever see you near her again. I will break you myself, I promise.” His voice was calm meditated, as if every word had weight.

“What are you, her boyfriend?” Mack asked venomously. “Well then maybe I should let you in on a secret.”

“Mack shut up.” Y/n felt fear bubble into her throat. Sure she could swear in that moment she hated Carlisle but that’s all it was, a moment. There was no point in ruining her future.

“Your girlfriend ain’t too loyal.” Mack drawled out, a coy smirk slipping on his lips as he rocked back and forth on his toes. Carlisle tensed. “At least...she wasn’t last night.” 

An animalistic snarl snapped from of Carlisle lips like a whip and within the second he had Mack pinned against the bonnet of a car. Then, just as quickly as he moved, he remembered himself. Letting Mack drop Carlisle’s breath heaved before he turned and stalked towards his car without sparing y/n so much as a glance. Always the pacifist.

“Carlisle.” She called, rushing after him but Mack caught her elbow.

“Why didn’t you tell me you were in a relationship?” He asked and if y/n wasn’t mistaken he sounded somewhat heartbroken, all his previous anger evaporating.

“I’m not.” Y/n gasped struggling to get out of his grip.

“You’re in something.” He murmured, letting her go.

“I’m sorry Mack, I really am. I’ll...call you.” The words were falling over her shoulder as she escaped, but he was already gone and distantly she could hear his Mercedes ripping into the night as he drove away.

***

“It’s not his fault.”

“I don’t need this right now Edward.” After jumping into her Bronco y/n had followed Carlisle’s black Mercedes back to his house. During the drive she couldn’t decide whether her anger was riling up or fizzing into the air and thus, nothingness. He had been so close, she had put her hands against his chest, he was right there.

“Please I just...” Edward’s eyes were tentative as he blocked her path on the house steps, “It’s my fault why we even left, all he was trying to do was be a good father to me.”

“And you think that’s and excuse?”

“No, of course not.” He added hurriedly. “It’s just, I love him, and I know he loves you. Please don’t walk away from him.”

“Walk away?” Y/n gasped, angry tears pricking behind her eyes. “I never wanted to walk away. I never even considered it. You were the ones who left and you took everything with you.” Tears spilled and she hurriedly wiped them away. Edward grimaced. Y/n took her opportunity and stormed past him into the house. To her surprise there stood Rosalie and Emmett; a few hours ago and she would have run into their arms laughing, overjoyed to see her friends again.

“Where is he?” Was all she spat and to her surprise they looked somewhat intimidated as they pointed loosely in the direction of the kitchen. She stormed past them and up the stairs swinging a right to find Carlisle waiting for her, leaning over the counter his head in his hands, he glanced at her.

“Y/n I-” He began.

“Shut up.” Was all she said. Distantly she was aware that Emmett and Rosalie had followed her along with Edward. At the far window she saw movement and assumed Jasper and Alice had come to see what the fuss is about. “You had your chance to talk the day you left but you chose not to, so, what you’re going to do is you’re going to sit in that chat, patiently, whilst I stand her and say what I got to say...understand?”

Carlisle stood now, an internal battle dancing behind his eyes as he glanced from y/n to his family. Y/n was aware of them staring now, watching the leader of their family, the alpha male be challenged, all tentative to see what he would do next. Slowly and with weight, Carlisle walked a few paces before he slid down into a chair, leaning forward and resting on his knees as he looked up at y/n through his lashes. This sent a tremor through the family and within the blink of an eye they were all gone, giving Carlisle and y/n their privacy.

“Carlisle...” Now she was here, she wasn’t quite sure what to say. “I am...sorry...about Mack and what we...” She trailed off, maybe it was not the best idea to start with this. “But you can’t judge me. You just can’t.”

“I know.” He whispered, his brows furrowing apologetically.

“All this...the drugs, Mack, everything, all of it’s just me trying to cope. And it’s not an excuse but-”

“Please don’t apologise.” Carlisle whispered and within the second he was standing in front of her cupping her cheeks in his hands and brushing his thumb under her right eye. “Never apologise.” He kissed her forehead. “You did nothing wrong.” He kissed her nose. It seemed like he went to go kiss her lips but he hovered, as if he remembered himself and he pulled back slightly, resting his forehead against hers.

“I’m sorry for the way I behaved. It was foolish and embarrassing of me.” He decided to say. “Back at the apartments. It’s just...”

“Just what?” Y/n murmured, now in a daze.

“I could smell it.”

“What?”

“Your scent...on him. On his neck, his shirt. Deep down I already knew what had happened but then hearing him...say it...and gloat.” His teeth gritted.

“If it’s any consolation, if I knew you were coming back I would have never-”

“But you didn’t know I was coming back. Because I left you here with nothing.” He was talking to himself now. “I...” He began. “I knew I was hurting you the day I left, the idea alone tormented me for months but I kept lying to myself, telling myself I would put you in more danger, more pain if I came back. But seeing the reality of what I had done to you, coming back to your blood smelling different and...” He trailed off.

“I know.” Y/n filled the silence, overwhelmed now at the feeling of him flushed against her body.

“I’ve got to hand it to Edward.” He chuckled to himself. “He’s more persuasive than he looks.” They stood like that for a moment, just comfortable at being able to be around one another again before y/n scrunched up her eyes.

“God, I've just been so caught up in being angry at you that I don’t think it’s really settled that you’re here. I feel like I’m going to wake up and this is just going to be a cruel dream.” 

“I’m not going anywhere.” He cut her off gently, his eyes steely. “Not because I’m afraid of what you’ll do to yourself if I leave, not because you necessarily need me. But because...I don’t know how many chances I’m going to get to love someone like this.” He chuckled slightly. “And I mean, I have an eternity stretched out in front of me...but to love someone the way I love you...completely and utterly and with every piece of my heart and soul...”

His words fizzled into the air, the greater meaning behind them understood by them and only them.

“I’m sorry about Mack.” They were swaying slightly now, as if there were some soft unheard music. “He’s sweet...and he’s just lost...I guess I was for while.”

“As long as it was...consensual.” Surprisingly this made y/n laugh, a noise he had missed with his whole soul.

“Let’s not talk about it anymore.”

And they didn’t. From an outsiders perspective no one could have guessed anything was ever wrong between y/n and Carlisle. Just as before things gently shifted back into place, old routines were picked up and recent habits died out. Carlisle made good on his promise, he spent the rest of eternity doing everything in his power to make y/n happy, for that was all that mattered for him.

“To love someone the way I love you.” Became their phrase. Before long journeys apart, before what felt like impending doom when it came to Victoria, or the Voultri. He murmured it to her before she slept and shouted it after her car when she pulled away - an ode to their relationship, and all that they had been through. Y/n and Carlisle, the Dinosaur and the Vampire.

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