#the says too much means elementary school trauma

[chattybugette]

My enjoyment of Alya and Bustier salt says too much

[morganski-19]

It’s a month after Starcourt when Steve realizes that Robin isn’t leaving. That she meant what she said about sticking around. That they were trauma bonded in two ways now. One in the average minimum wage worker way. The second in the way no one should ever have to be. 

If he had the choice to do it all over again. He’d never ask her to get involved. Would have told Dustin to wait until his shift is over, and then they could go figure it out. It might have taken longer. They might have never figured it out at all. But then another person wouldn’t have been dragged into the bullshit. Robin wouldn’t have nightmares anymore. 

She wouldn’t find herself on his doorstep at two in the morning, drenched in sweat from a mix of the heat and the fear. Bike fallen on the ground by her feet. He wouldn’t have to keep lying that she woke him up. Even if they both knew he hadn’t fallen asleep before four a.m. since that day. 

He won’t have someone to call when he wakes up screaming. Because he can’t call the kids, it’s not their job to calm him down. That’s his. Their phone calls don’t go both ways. Robin’s do though. She insisted on it. 

Worst part of it all is that Steve doesn’t want Robin to leave. But knows she will. This is just until the nightmares stop, then she’ll realize that he’s not worth it anymore. Just like the rest of them. It’s always until the person gets what they need out of Steve, and then they’re gone. No one ever stays because of who he is. 

It was clear the day he dropped Tommy and Carol. How they ran away like flies when you took away the food. They were terrible people, but they were his friends. His only friends. Since elementary school. It all seemed so trivial back then, but he appreciated them for what they were.

Regret is a funny thing. He doesn’t regret dropping them. It would have happened eventually. He regrets the hole that it left though. The emptiness that he’s been running from for a while. They filled the house when his parents were away. Which was more frequent now that he was an adult. They didn’t need to look after him that much anymore. It was his job now. 

Robin made it her job too. Without him asking. He never would have. But when they were both ready to get back to work, she was right there at his door with a resume in hand. Ready to get them both a job together again. Why would they ever need to work at two separate places? They were a package deal now. 

For now. Steve reminded himself. There will come a day that Robin will see that Steve isn’t much different from the kid she hated in high school. He’s still rich, and messy. Still can be really mean when he doesn’t mean to be. He’s sorry for it now. But that doesn’t change the fact that it still happens. 

Yet, like clockwork, she keeps coming around. Keeps calling at the same time every night to talk for hours when they should be asleep. Makes him realize how much he’s going to miss this when it inevitably ends. 

He’d prefer for it to happen rather than later. So he can be less attached. So it will hurt less. 

“How are you still here?” Steve asks one night. When the room is light enough for the nightmares to creep away, but dark enough to still hide the the fear on his face. 

“What do you mean?” Robin asks. Like her being here at all isn’t some big miracle. 

“You know who I was in high school. You know the things I said. The things I did.”

Robin props herself up on her elbows. “And? You’re not like that anymore.”

Steve shakes his head. She’s not getting it. “Part of me still is. Somewhere. I still snap and insult, and be just mean when I feel like I need to be. Even though I don’t half the time. It’s like a reflex I can’t get rid of. I might act like it, but I’m not much different than I was back then.”

“You are,” she says with absolute certainty. 

“No, I’m not.”

“Yes, you are.” Robin’s face comes into view. “I might have not known you that well, but I can still see it. In the way you carry yourself, in the way you act around those kids. The person you were back in highschool wouldn’t spare them a second glance. Wouldn’t spare me a second glance. The minute you walked into the ice cream parlor wearing those stupid shorts and dumb hat and saw me behind the counter, it would have been over. I would have been the subject of your torture. But I wasn’t.”

Robin takes Steve’s wrists and pulls him into a sitting position. Looking at him like she means what she says. He believes her. 

“Instead, you were nice to me. Considerate. Snappy sure, but in the way that secretly made me laugh. And never mean, not really. Even when I gave you every chance to be. I was waiting for who you were in history class to show up and he never did. Instead I saw the real you for the first time and I liked it. You are so much more than you give yourself credit for.”

“But what I said-.”

“Is in the past. The person who said those things wouldn’t have made fun of my crush on Tammy Tompson as fast as you did. Or accepted the fact that I liked girls at all. Might have done a lot of things I’m not sure of.” She pauses, swallowing. “When I told you, I was so scared. I had no clue how you would react. And you have no idea how relieved I was when it played out the way it did. You’re the first person I’ve told about this. You don’t know what that means for me.”

Steve stares at her. “I didn’t know that.”

She shrugs. “Yeah well. Now you do.”

“Why me?”

“Well I sort of had to reject you for one,” she jokes. “But, after I saw the way that you protected Dustin and Erica, me, without even blinking. Something about you just felt safe. I know that’s risky as hell and might have not worked out with most people. I just had a feeling that it would work out with you.”

“I’m glad you told me,” he whispers. “I’m glad that I was able to be that first person. And that you felt that you could tell me at all. After all the shit I said.”

“Again, you’re different now. Intentionally different. I might have just been a bystander in the Steve Harrington experience until recently, but I can see that. I hope you can too.”

[ilovepapahet]

Sweetheart

Chapter One

the start of it all, the relationship.

James is 18 reader is 17

Warnings: Angst, James is an asshole, mentions of trauma, mentions of alcohol

Let me know if I missed anything

————————————————————————

You have been dating James since grade nine only cause he was a year older than you. It was great you both loved each other you both got great compliments, went to semi formals together. You were there for him when his mom passed away when he was sixteen and went to prom together. Until James joined a band. Sure you were happy for him more than happy this was his dream, but he was forgetting about you.

It hurt you. You loved him so much he was there for you no matter what and you were there for him.. no matter what.

You’re getting sick of it though, how he doesn’t care anymore. At all. You tell him something that’s been bugging you. Her ignores how it irritates you all together. Your best friend, Lars, who you go to a lot with your troubles. You tell him how you feel about James and what’s going on between you two. “It just.. doesn’t make sense Lars, is it something I did. Did I upset him. Am I annoying?” You flop down on Lars’s bed, Lars listens closely.

Your Parents weren’t…. The greatest and you had to move out. You had no where to go, but Lars’s dad let you stay. Both Lars and you were close since elementary school, grad one to be exact. You’re practically brother and sister.

“I don’t know, I don’t think you did anything. Want me to talk to him?” Lars looks at you over his magazine. “No you don’t-.. LARS WHAT THE HELL!” you notice the magazine he has in his hand. A porn magazine. “That’s disgusting” you laugh as you grab it out of his hand and throw it across the room.

“Hay it’s just a magazine!” He laughs “Just a magazine?! That’s so nasty” you both laugh for a bit. “Seriously though. Do you think James, doesn’t… I don’t know. Love me anymore?” A wave of doubt comes over you.

“Obviously not. You should hear the way he talks about you at band practice” Lars jokes.

“I’m being serious”

“Ok ok and I am too. He only talks about how much he misses you, even though we’re at band practice and he can see you whenever he wants. Ask Cliff”

You look at Lars and roll your eyes. “Ok. Promise me you’re not lying”. Lars looks down at you “I promise”.

————————————————————————

The next day. A few weeks before Lars and James graduate you went to James to talk to him about how he feels about it. “Hay babe” you run up beside James and rap your arm around his, he looks down at you unfazed cause you do that a lot and he’s used to it.

“Hay” he says as he looks away from you. “How are you” “fine”, you look up at him confused by his dry response “How do you feel about graduation?”.

James sighs in annoyance “I don’t know”, “Are you nervous?” You ask wanting a better answer. “Oh my god, stop asking about it” he snaps at you. You pull away from him quickly “Ok.. sorry”.

He looks down at you and rolls his eye, “Ok sorry… just please I don’t want to talk about it. I’m more worried about my band”. My band? His band?… What the hell was he talking about? “What do you mean.. your band?”, James groans in annoyance “the band I’m in” he says as if you didn’t know and he’s telling you this big secret.

“Yeah.. I know it’s just.. why’d you say it like that?”. He looks at you and crosses his arm “Oh so now my tone irritates you”.

“What? No james it’s just.. you’ve been acting different ever since you joined the band”

“Ok look I’m sorry we’ve just been working really hard”

“I know Lars told me… and you don’t tell me anything anymore” you mumble under your breath.

“What was that?” James steps closer to you now angry.

“I said you don’t tell me anything anymore baby. I want to know what’s going on with you. I care about you” you tell him truthfully “You just don’t really care.. anymore…”

James sighs “Ok I’m sorry…. I just really care about this band. How about this. I’ll bring you to band practice after school, how’s that sound”

“ok… thank you”

“Alright bye, see you after school. Will be at Cliff’s house”

“Ok, bye see you later. Love you”

“Yeah I know”

James walks away going to his next class leaving you… he doesn’t say I love you anymore.

————————————————————————

After school you head over to Cliff’s house… without James. In fact you get there before him. You ring the door bell and Ray, Cliff’s dad greets you at the door. “Hi, how are you. I haven’t seen you in awhile” he smiles at you “Hay Ray I’m good. I’ve been.. busy” you smile awkwardly “That’s alright, the boys are in the basement” Ray steps aside to let you through. “Thank you Ray”.

Walking down into the basement you can hear Dave, Cliff and Lars. Of course James was late. “Hi guys.. no James yet?” You wave to the guys. “Hay.. yeah James is always late” Cliff laughs lightly smoking a cigarette like he usually did.

“It’s annoying though. He knows when practice starts” Dave says rolling his eyes. “Where the fuck have you been. I haven seen you in months” Dave says putting his guitar down to go and hug you. “I’ve been… um.. busy”.

“Busy with what.. James” Dave jokingly winks.

You go silent for a second. “No.. not really”

“what?” Cliff raises a brow.

“Umm… me and James.. haven’t been-“. Just as you’re about to tell them what’s been going on James comes around the corner.

James Looks at you a little surprised you actually came. “Oh.. you actually came” he says sounding a little disappointed.

“What’s wrong?” You ask James confused by his tone. “Nothing… I just didn’t think you would actually come” James says looking away from you and setting up his things. You felt upset by his tone it obviously was because he didn’t really want you there, maybe you really were just… annoying.

“What.. did she come on her own?” Lars asks looks at James in confusion, “No. I invited her I just didn’t think she would come… she’s been acting dramatic”. Your head shoots up at James. You stop yourself from saying anything as they start to practice. Dramatic? How are you being dramatic? And that was rude to say. Not only about your girlfriend, but to you’re friends too. You pick up a music magazine that was laying around so you could calm down a bit.

————————————————————————

When the guys finished practicing they decided to have a few beers. Nothing to bad… just Dave taking it a little to far as per usual. He tries to sing but due to him being drunk… it’s not very good, it makes you laugh because he’s so out of it.

Everyone is basically laughing at Dave’s drunkin stupidity… except James. He seems irritated by him being drunk, your not upset bye it. Sometimes it’s a bit overwhelming when people are drunk. You would know… your dad is a drunk, but it’s different with Dave because he’s not mean and scary when he’s drunk. Unless someone makes him mad and agitates him enough.

Cliff ends up having to call Dave’s girlfriend to pick him up. He ended up passing out on the couch.

After Dave left you, James and Lars stayed for a bit longer with Cliff. “I think practice went well today” Lars says keeping the mood light hearted. “Yeah until Dave got drunk” James says, “what do you mean? He was alright today he wasn’t mean”. You reason with James.

“Ok but. You’ve been through enough drunk people.. I don’t think you need that”

“I’m fine James, he wasn’t making me uncomfortable. If he was… I would have walked away or told you”

“He still should know better”

“what do you mean. Know better?” You raise a brow at James.

“I mean.. your dad is a drunk and Dave is usually… an asshole”

”Ohh… but when your dunk. It’s different?”

James looks down at you now frustrated. He pulls you by your arm out of the room so you could talk… alone.

“Can you ever keep your mouth shut. It was one time and it was an accident”

You roll your eyes at his comment “That doesn’t mean it didn’t make me uncomfortable James. You didn’t even apologize. I even told you, I didn’t feel like being around you when you were drunk. Sure sometimes I’m ok with it was I was feeling anxious that night. And you promised me you wouldn’t get drunk”

“Will you ever let that go it was one time”

“Sure… but stop getting mad when Dave’s drunk. Why do you even get mad at him when he’s drunk?” You pause “I get he can be mean sometimes, but he was fine tonight”

”Cause… he.. he’s just irritating and I don’t want to deal with that”

“Than why don’t you walk away?”

James stopped and thought for a second. He makes it seem like you’re gonna leave him for Dave. Sure Dave was cute and funny, but he’s not your type at all. You missed the shy boy you meet. When he could barely look you in the eye or keep up a conversation.

“I miss the shy boy I met back in grad three” you blur out. James looked up at you taken aback by your comment. You leave the room having enough for the night.

When you leave the room you find Cliff and Lars sitting by the door. Lars looks up at you feeling sorry for you.

On your walk back home. You sobbed. Why was James acting like this, why was he treating you like this. What ever happened.

————————————————————————

And that’s chapter one of Sweetheart. I hope you guys liked it I’m currently working on chapter two already.

[kr-han]

White Rascals is Rocky's Coping Mechanism

My favorite character might be Cobra, but I have a soft spot for Rocky. Why? Rocky is the only SWORD's leader with clear childhood background. It's a personal thing for me because I'm studying child education including behavior, development, psychology, and so on; I could see how his childhood affect his personal trait as an adult.

You might hear it before but, yes, our childhood really affect how we act as an adult now. With a clear background in the plot, I could see it clearer than any other characters. It helps me understand him as a person. He's a fictional man, that's right, I couldn't deny that, but it's fun to learn about people.

Now, I'm going to try to elaborate how to understand his character. Disclaimer that English isn't my first language and I'm not fluent. I might have grammar errors, but I hope you could still understand what I'm trying to say.

So, let's go.

Rocky came from a broken family with an abusive and alcoholic father. His father abused his mom, sister, and I bet he himself too. It was hard for them. At the end of the day, his mom and sister committed to something I don't need to say. A whole fandom knew it already.

He was in elementary school, too young to look at the scene, and it must traumatize him. Although, he might didn't understand it. With his experiences and what happened to both his mom and sister which he loves dearly, he has a new goal: to save women. So that women don't have to suffer. So that no more women suffering like his mom and sister. He did it on behalf of them.

Coming from abusive father, his trauma might lead him to be someone just like or unlike his father at all. There's no in between. The good thing is, he is a polar opposite of his father. He devoted himself for the sake of women's well-being.

I bet his mom is so sweet towards him despite the abuse she received probably every time his dad was around. Look at them, they're so cute.

This scene is so sad. I don't need to elaborate anything. But when you're born into a dystopian city, being strong is a must. That's how to thrive.

Another thing that we need to highlight is where he grew up to be an adult. Needless to say, I assume with how his mom and sister died and the fact that his father is not capable to raise a child, he grew in orphanage. Perhaps.

He respects women, but he didn't really know how to treat women before. I mean, we can take a look on S2E06 when he immediately stops when he found out that Kizzy is a transwoman, and they went to save other women from Doubt.

I mean, he grabbed women's wrist aggressively even though he said that he doesn't hit women (like his father), and Kizzy stopped him. I have a head canon that Kizzy has to lecture him on how to treat women.

With Rocky, Kizzy, and Kaito (I might have to write about Kizzy and Kaito later), White Rascals was born. Anyway, this is how Koo reacted when Rocky told him about his past.

The wound, the trauma, would still be fresh for him no matter how much time has passed. He needs therapy, for real. Please go seek some professional help. I beg you.

But maybe, that's how Rocky cope with his trauma. He saves women, while he wishes he could save his mom and sister. He saves women, as he keeps remember about his mom and sister. He doesn't want any other women end up like his mom and sister.

White Rascals is his coping mechanism.

[disregardcanon]

making claudia fourteen in the amc show brings up a VERY interesting point in the way that turning a child into a vampire is forbidden. because.... how do we define a child? like obviously little five year old claudia from the books is a child. we can all agree on that. i think that we can say pretty definitively that kirsten dunst's little upper elementary school claudia in the movie is a child too. she's somewhere 10-11.

but with fourteen... that's always been young, but there's been a consistent debate about whether or not it's a "child". the show definitely comes down on the "child" side, and i think that's correct, but it does make it so that the show is having a conversation with the books about childhood and age and what that MEANS for vampires... because that's how old armand was when he was turned in the books. and while there's some emphasis on that in regards to his past csa and the way that the outside world perceives him... it's never implied that armand shouldn't exist because he's so young, even though armand is definitely still the one that gets claudia killed for being a kid.

so having show claudia BE fourteen, the same as book armand, really gets into both ethical sides of that question, like what IS a child? what is the reasoning against making child vampires and how sound is it? how much of armand's disdain and distrust for claudia comes from his own trauma and the show's acknowledgement that claudia, physically, is still a child. that the way that she looks and is treated in the world is as a child with a maker who treated her as part daughter and part annoyance and another companion who treated her as a daughter instead of an owner that passed her around to friends and treated her as a beautiful thing to be owned and fucked-

because if claudia is a child, then armand was a child, and if armand was a child then- how's he supposed to handle that?

[piracytheorist]

Damian Desmond, the bully and the victim

I'm prefacing this by saying I was bullied as a kid at school. It was not the worst bullying story you'll ever hear, but that makes no difference in bully victims, cause no amount of "It could be worse!" can heal the life-long scars bullying leaves in you. I'm not saying this to evoke pity or sympathy, but to give context for my point of view in this analysis.

My two most prominent (and persisting) bullies through my school years were two boys, unrelated to each other and in different times (one was in elementary school and one in high school), who both had divorced parents and lived with their mothers. I don't know the full details of what their relationships with their fathers were, but I can easily guess that there were unfulfilled wishes in their lives, and once they found me they were like "That's who I'll burst out my frustrations on". As if I didn't have my own issues at home, but why would my problems matter from their point of view?

The thing with bullies (and abusers in general) is that, for the most part, they don't understand the pain they're causing - and if they do, they think their victim needs (tough love situation) or deserves it. Everyone is a hero in their own story - I regrettably made fun of a classmate a few times, out of my own need to feel superior for once after having been on the receiving end for so long. And I can tell you that my justification for doing so was something like "I am smart and this kid should listen to me, if he does he will become smart too!". It was only much, much later that I realized that didn't hold and the kid was actually hurt by my uncalled-for behaviour. Usually, bullies don't have the empathy, or if they do they simply don't put it to use, to see things from their victim's perspective.

And in all the praise I have to give Endo for writing Anya very realistically as a child, I also have to give it to him for how realistic the bullying is. It starts immediately, uncritically. It persists and the stupid excuse of "Just ignore them" doesn't work at all. Anya gets angry and upset at it, to the point of violent outbursts and tears (though thankfully presented in such a way that the audience doesn't blame her). Combined with his conflicting emotions about her, Damian has found the perfect victim for his bullying; Anya is an outcast (aside from having Becky, thank god), has physical attributes he can make fun of, and because of her wanting to help with Operation Strix she just constantly presents herself to him, when normally she would try her damnedest to avoid him (like Becky always advises her to).

Everything Damian does is an outburst of his own feelings of neglect. I know manga readers know more about the family dynamic, but as an anime only I've also been given enough to understand it's very, very problematic. But that's not an excuse. Having trauma on your own does not excuse thrusting trauma upon others. I mean, you think Anya, the orphan from the lab who didn't have anyone to give a damn about her happiness until she had to manipulate both her ways into getting a father and then a mother, has less trauma than Damian does???

It's not an excuse, but it's a dynamic for Damian to become better. Damian's behaviour problem doesn't only stem from him being neglected; it's also from the fact that he hasn't been taught sympathy. Which, like, makes sense. His father is an ambitious politician who genuinely believes that it's impossible for humans, even relatives, to understand each other, and had no qualms saying this right in front of his kid.

When it comes to Damian's behaviour, it does not matter that those words hurt him terribly. He doesn't have the emotional maturity and empathy yet to understand that he's only perpetuating the same toxic behaviour with his classmates. The fact that Donovan felt so comfortable saying those words in front of both his own son and a total stranger shows that it's something he's used to; and such traits can very easily be passed on from parents to kids without even consciously trying.

Meanwhile, while Anya had a much worse time while being used as a science subject, she was taught the idea of peace; in the first episode flashback, the scientists talk about how they can use her powers for world peace, to justify cutting her play time short in favor of whatever they were doing with her. When Twilight thinks that understanding her will lead to world peace, she immediately starts complying with that. And when she hears his thoughts about how he wants to create a better world, she decides to stay with him as his daughter to help him in the mission, despite understanding the risk and knowing that whether the mission fails or succeeds, Twilight will walk away in the end. She understands the idea of kindness and good. Maybe the way she was introduced to it wasn't the most noble - after all, the scientists were using it as an excuse to practically abuse her - but she still knows and understands enough about what it means for someone else to be happy.

Damian… doesn't. For the grand majority of his presentation he doesn't do things for someone else, in fact, he's so used to others doing things for him that we always see Ewen carry his backpack for him.

I do not doubt that Ewen himself, being the bootlicker he is, offered to carry it, but the fact that Damian never once went like "Nah it's okay man I can carry my weight today" is very telling about how not used he is to doing things for others.

However, his dynamic becomes interesting and receives redeeming qualities because of the times he does show altruism. First when he stops the ball from hitting Anya in the face during the dodgeball game, (though he instantly and openly regrets doing that). And it wasn't from conscious thought - it was an action purely out of protective instinct. Then, when he's the instigator of consoling George Glooman when the latter thinks he'll be moved out of the school. That one he also regrets doing, but it's much more understandable and it doesn't take away the sympathy he showed him.

There is something he constantly does, however, with someone else in mind; he studies hard and tries to excel at school to receive Stellas, in order to get his father's attention. His way of getting that attention has been so messed up by his upbringing that he thinks the only way of getting any positive interaction with his father is by working hard to not be a "failure". And even that hides some personal motives behind it, because the poor kid longs for some affection from his family. Donovan's character and the distance Damian has from him, his mother (when he calls home, he talks with their butler, not her), and his brother all combined do not allow the kid to understand the concept of doing something to make someone else happy, even (or especially) if there's nothing in it for him.

That's not selflessness; that's a neglected kid pushing himself to prove to his abusers that he's deserving of their affection, something he naturally craves and obviously misses from his life. Tough "love" is so prominent in the Desmond family that Damian had no hopes of growing any differently.

He has the potential to become better and has only been held back because of his family's toxic environment. But he needs to develop a conscious understanding of altruism first if his character is to grow into a morally better area.

You can't just give a character a painful backstory and expect audiences to automatically root for their happiness. You need to show your character also has grown empathy because of said painful experiences. We see it with all three mains. Anya was treated as a lab experiment; you start rooting for her when you see that she wants to help bring peace. Twilight went through a war as a kid; you root for him when he says he wants to create a world where kids won't go through the same thing. Yor lost her parents when she was very young; you root for her when you learn that she took care of her brother and gave him opportunities for education and a better future that she rejected for herself in his favour.

So yeah, I do feel sorry for Damian. But right now I only root for him to understand the meaning of making someone else happy — the meaning behind his own protective action over Anya in the dodgeball game and the sympathy he showed George. When he does that, and he realizes he has more in common with Anya than he dares to accept, it's only then that he'll grow from a layered but still toxic bully into a character audiences can root for.

It's also not the responsibility of Anya of all people to take up all the abuse from him and be the one to help him build up some character. It has to be him making the realization, and Anya can choose to be a friend to him as he does that, but in no way can his development depend on her.

(Again, anime only fan here, don't spoil me for the manga)

[janiedean]

thoughts on the people who blame Jaime for what happened with tysha and say that he was a kingsguard adult and he allowed tysha to be raped that he was an accomplice ( well we were never told if he knew what was going to happen ) and tywin showed a level of control over his kids ( remember how cersei asked tywin for leave when as Tyrion put it he should be asking her for leave since shes the queen

(answering this and the other two you sent now sorry for the lateness but as said I'm really out of spoons these days)

I think I went in depth on the specific matter on the novels of jaime meta I wrote so I'm gonna be extremely concise for my standards but

people who blame Jaime for what happened with tysha > well we established literacy is dead and if you blame jaime for a thing tywin did then congrats on showing you skipped english class in elementary school

he was a kingsguard adult > ah yeah the guy who got into the kg at 15 and ended up killing his king at 17 and got vietnam war level ptsd in three years plus also joined out of being manipulated into it and whose like maturity development was stuck at 17 at the ripe age of 34 and who should have never gone into the kg anyway and joined when he was a minor and went through all that trauma as a minor is the responsible adult okay then I never heard this until now and I'm glad because it's just brainrot

that he was an accomplice > if he was an accomplice he'd have had to facilitate it and to take part in it which he hadn't, also considering the guy basically lost his hand and got kicked in the stump to prevent a woman that at that point he didn't even like nor care for from getting raped I doubt he'd have done that and like someone coercing you into agreeing with smth like that doesn't make you an accomplice but ig people don't know what words mean anymore

tywin showed a level of control over his kids > tywin was an abusive af piece of shit who abused the hell out of all his children in different ways which were all reprehensible and trauma-inducing and blaming any of them for shit he did (c. included) is not knowing how to read and not having a clue of how that kinda thing works but if you don't grasp it reading the book then you're hopeless but yeah right obviously he has a level of *control* over them, if you want to please your abusive father at all costs or not want to go against him because you're too afraid to do it ofc he has control over you and again tyrion's adwd not-great stint is because he killed shae who didn't deserve it, not because he killed tywin who had it 100% coming and imvho deserved exactly what he got, hope tyrion feels good about it throughout the whole series

tldr: if someone comes at me blathering that jaime is in any way at fault about tysha when he's dissociated it out of his head for 20 years just because he can't handle the fact that he hurt tyrion that much I'm not even hearing the rest because I know it'll be a braindead take, thanks for coming to my ted talk

[dailymothanon]

I felt like blue was a swaggy color yesterday 👍 so I doodled with it 😼 can you believe? Men in love? That’s so cool, shoutout to them. Did I make one of Maine’s bracelets a centipede? Yes. Why? I thought it’d be pretty cool. (rants in read more)

Shorts weather goes crazy, it’s been 50-60° up here lately and lord it’s so hot, but summer is usually 70-90°+ and I hope it stays 70

I think. Alaska’s favorite color would be blue. I have reasons.

For one, a lot of his state symbols are blue, and I’ve always associated ptarmigans with a soft light bluish greenish cuz my elementary school was fantastic and lovely and the school’s color was that and their mascot is the ptarmigan, it’s a native school

Second, he likes space… which has a lot of blue usually, I’m not really sure tho

Third, if he’s a whale expert he probably really likes sea creatures, not to mention having more coast than the whole lower 48 combined and surrounded by three seas and two oceans; plus, moose are known to actually love to swim so much so that orcas are one of their predators

I looked at a ton of native beading and kuspuks and a very very common color was blue and purple, I’m assuming it’s cuz it contrasts with the usually fur made clothing (I think Maine has gifted Alaska with really nice beads before, hopefully as a bonus they were not plastic, thatd be pretty cool)

lastly, blue isn’t really known to be an overwhelming color? I’m not too sure, but it’s usually known as a calm color, I think Alaska would appreciate that

Which kinda blues would he prefer?? i aint too sure. i havent thought that far yet, but who says he cant like many blues

Another Alaska hc is that Alaska used to be bad with alcohol. I read Russians introduced natives to hard liquor to gain advantages over them, in leading to generational trauma.

Alaska was probably introduced to it when he was young and he figured drinking was the only thing making his suffering by their hands a little more bearable each drop he took. And maybe throughout his lawless territory era it was still pretty bad and eventually during mushing (i imagine he took up a mushing mailing job cuz it kept him away from people the most) he got pretty injured cuz of it and he then realized then that if he continued like that he may accidentally get one of his dogs hurt and that scared him. He wasn't really bad towards anyone when he drank tho, just very shut down i imagine. But now i think he can handle drinking well, but tries to make sure of what and how much he drinks (my excuse for this is that Alaska has strict drinking laws, its illegal to even get drunk in a bar, but i think thats for the better. The roads are dangerous enough as is) as per the awa'uq massacre, awa'uq means "to become numb" and i think that would be how Alaska would describe what it was like for him during those times

[artxlra]

Personal Faults | Ultraman : Rising | PART TWO

Click here for PART ONE

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“let us take a moment of silence for my sanity, please. it is gone – but definitely not forgotten.”

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pairing ┆kenjisato x prof. sato assistant fem!reader ; kenjisato x citizen fem!reader ; kenjisato x positive manifesting fem!reader ; kenjisato x teleportating fem!reader. kenjisato x scar fem!reader

warnings ┆ mild cursing ; violence ; insecurities ; smut ; anxiety attacks ; drugs ; accident ; death ; emotional trauma ; mental trauma ; bullying ; injuries

genre┆slow - burn romance ; canon storyline ; puppy love ; chaotic fluff; smut ; flirting ; enemies to lovers trope.

Word count | 3,2K

Previously: We Flashbacked to a childhood memory of (Y/N) with Kenji Sato and now she's is currently sitting at her office watching a news updating that Ken Sato will be interviewed at a press conference later that evening.

"Catch an exclusive interview on the new member of the Giants - Ken Sato!."

The Television audio escalated the room of the admin office of a small company that had been watching the interview of Ken Sato. The workers were hyped for the interview.

All but one.

(Y/N) in her favorite (OC/C) sat at her desk across the room of the commotion and scrowled having to listen to the interview regardless of whether she liked it or not. She rolls her eyes and continues typing on her keyboard, rather roughly as her annoyance escalated to her skin.

Immediately, after the crowds cheers on the screen died down and the TV was switched off, (Y/N)'s phone buzzed on her desk, the bright screen lighting up with Ami-Sama's name as the caller ID.

"Hey Ami-Sama. How are you?" (Y/N) answers with high respect for the lady. The lady on the other end of the call, immediately started attacking her with questions rather than normalizing a greeting.

"Tell me something - how did you know Ken Sato's return was due to the loss of his mother? How did you know - When did thi -"

"I thought we came to an agreement that asking where my information came from was never to be asked." (Y/N) cut her off immediately.

"I'm asking because you have given me such personal... confidential information along with possible proof, unless you're a close relative or something of his or..."

Ami pauses slightly and whispers to the phone,

"Are you a childhood sweetheart that's been stalking him for all this while? I mean, you guys did go to the same elementary school. "

"You're getting in over your head." (Y/N)'s eyes twitched, almost disgusted, "I'd have a better time marrying a Kaiju than running after him."

"Alright Alright."

Ami laughed,

"I'm just pulling your leg. But what do I say if the boss asks? I can't be giving him the 'anonymous' excuse all the time you know."

"That's your problem. Not mines."

"C'mon (Y/N)!"

"Well," (Y/N)'s nose scrunched a little irritated, " Then just state it was your gut feeling after much research. Simple as that."

"Lame. But You're good with excuses."

"Very. To be honest this is one of the very few press conferences that he actually going to show up at. So make sure to get the most outta him if you want."

"You're telling me to go in right at the start with the info I have?"

Ami's voice perked stunned through the call,

"Aren't you the one who tells me I'm too forward?"

" Knock yourself out with him." (Y/N) responded monotonously, before grumbling inaudibly, "I need some answers too."

"What was that?"

"Nothin," (Y/N) sighed heavily, "I know you're not calling me for something so trivial. Is there any problem?"

"Kind of,"

Ami sighs with a little chuckle,

"My mom went for a check up today and I got to attend the press conference and afterwards I have a private interview scheduled with Ken Sato."

"Oh wow." (Y/N) smirked with a dark anticipation, " I can only imagine how his reactions going to be once he realizes you're a Tigers fan."

"I mean it is my job. It doesnt matter who i root for."

Ami laughed and further explains her purpose for the call,

"Anyways I wanted to know if you could pick my kid when you're getting Riku and Rin and fetch my mom as well."

"Sure. I'll pick the kids and Aunt up after work." (Y/N) looks to her watch on her hand and back at the paper work that just got dumped on her desk, "Let me know when your interview ends."

"Thanks, (Y/N)" Ami smiles a sigh of relief, "You're a life saver."

"Laters." (Y/N) smiled before hanging up as her facial expressions dropped to creases of tiredness as she phoned another number.

"Hi (L/N)!"

A cheerful elderly man's voice rang in her ears,

"How are you?"

"In a bit of a pickle, Professor Sato," (Y/N) rubs her neck with a tired smile, " I gotta pick my friend's kid and mom up with the little ones so I won't be able to come in tonight."

"No problem. No problem."

Professor Sato smiles,

"I understand. Get some rest (L/N).

"Yes . Also don't forget to take your medicine at 6." (Y/N) smiles sadly but the old man chuckles.

"I know. I know. I will. I'll see you tomorrow then. We need to retract the settings on the alarms and relocate. The current area is safe for today so like I said you are to take rest."

"Okay. Thank you Profess-"

BOOM!

A loud bang erupted through the office, causing (Y/N) to juggle her phone and slam it down her desk as a neatly attired broad shouldered man, kicked open his cabin door and stood with a furious expression.

"(Y/N) (L/N)! IN MY CABIN! NOW!" His eyes bloodshot with anger, his jaws clenched shut as he grit teeth. A stack of paper in his hands crinkled in his grasp.

Oh crap.

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"Itadakimasu" A cheer of thanking erupted in the (L/N) house.

The kitchen was aglow with the warm hues of the setting sun, casting a golden radiance upon the polished wooden table. The air was infused with the tantalizing aroma of simmering spices and sizzling meats, creating a mouthwatering symphony that danced through the senses. Plates adorned with an array of delectable dishes were meticulously arranged, their colors vibrant and enticing. The roasted chicken glistened with a lacquered sheen, its skin crispy and crackling. Beside it, a mountain of creamy mashed potatoes beckoned with their velvety smoothness, while a medley of steamed vegetables offered a burst of freshness.

Seated around the table, (Y/N) found herself in the company of her younger siblings. Oda, a brooding teenager of fifteen, appeared lost in another world as he donned his headphones, the music enveloping him in a cocoon of detachment. His disheveled (H/C) hair fell across his eyes, obscuring his distant gaze. Meanwhile, the twins, Riku and Rin, aged seven, exuded boundless energy as they chattered animatedly about their adventures at school. Their cherubic faces were adorned with wide smiles, their (E/C) eyes twinkling with innocent curiosity.

"We had alot of fun today!" Rin cheered happily, clapping her hand as she told the stories of their school activities of the day, "We did drawings and learnt how to write the different Kanas today! Then Teacher (T/N) played some games and she read 'Chi's Sweet Home' with us!"

"''Chi's Sweet home?'" (Y/N) blinked almost amazed, "I remember that back in elementary school. I didn't think they'd have that still in the curriculum..."

"Our teacher made us sing a song today!" Riku chimed, his (E/C) sparkling excitedly, a bit of roasted chicken smeared his cheek "Teacher (T/N) said one day I'm going to be a super star because I have an amazing voice!"

"Really now," (Y/N) chuckled, wiping his face with a handkerchief, "That's great."

"Oda! Oda!" Riku turned to his older brother, "Do you wanna hear the song Teacher (T/N) made us sing!?"

Oda was lost in his own world as he ate his food with his earphones on, his eyes fixated on the plate he ate from.

As the conversation swirled and intertwined only to stop at a complete halt, (Y/N) couldn't resist the mischievous urge that tugged at her. With a swift and stealthy movement, she reached out and playfully tugged at Oda's headphones, disrupting his sonic reverie. A look of annoyance flickered across his face, his brows knitting together in a momentary scowl. The music abruptly ceased, leaving a void that was filled with a palpable tension.

"Onee-chan!" Oda grumbled, his voice tinged with irritation, "Give them back!"

"No devices at the dinner table. I thought I said last night."

"You say it every night, Nee-chan!" Rin giggled cheekily.

Undeterred by his icy demeanor, (Y/N) pressed on, determined to bridge the growing chasm between them. With a gentle smile, she asked, "You came home rather late. How was school today, Oda?"

"The usual. Boring. Annoying and Loud.

"Right..." (Y/N) smiled uneasy. His response was curt and devoid of enthusiasm, as if he couldn't be bothered to engage in the conversation. A wave of disappointment washed over (Y/N), but she refused to let it dampen her spirits.

"I kinda wish I was back in high school. I got one heck of a lecture today," (Y/N) shared the details of her own day, "I accidently forgot to submit two files to the board of directors. The manager wasn't happy at all.

But he's never ever happy so it doesn't really make a difference. But I think he was more mad because the directors yelled at him for not checking the documents before I submitted. I have to work a couple of weekends again though."

Her words filled the space, floating in the air like delicate bubbles, only to be met with Oda's disinterested sigh, as he clenched clapped his hands in ending his dinner, his (E/C) eyes being overshadowed by his hair.

"Whatever. I'm going to bed."

"You're not gonna watch the Ken Sato interview?"

"I'll watch it in my room. Good night."

"Nights..." ( Y/N) whispered softly.

Meanwhile, the twins, blissfully unaware of the growing tension between their elder brother and sister, reveled in their own world of innocence and wonder. They giggled and playfully teased each other, their laughter like sparkling raindrops that washed away the heaviness that hung in the air. Their eyes shimmered with pure joy, their faces radiant with the glow of youth.

Silently, (Y/N) analyzed the scene before her. The contrasts were stark - the quiet brooding of Oda juxtaposed against the unbridled joy of the twins. The air crackled with unspoken words, emotions building like a gathering storm. But in that fleeting moment, as the clinking of cutlery and the murmurs of conversation filled the room, (Y/N) held onto a glimmer of hope, a belief that amidst the chaos of life, the bonds the family she gave up her dreams to will eventually bear the sweetest fruits in the end of the day.

Riku and Rin were just six - almost seven- years old. They barely understand the what's happening in their own house let alone the world.

As for Oda - he was a teenager now. Fifteen years old and probably complicating himself to understand the world.

Then there was Professor Sato. Whom she had promised her parents to assist with anything should they pass on.

Now the anything, she is assisting he Professor currently is basically everything. From the machines, devices and kaiju analysis to his health and his medications.

And now to his son's stubbornness and Ultraman stats.

Feeling the weight of her impending responsibilities, (Y/N) took solace in the act of nourishing her body. She nibbled at the food on her plate, savoring each morsel as if it held the answers to the questions swirling in her mind. The flavors danced on her tongue, a symphony of textures and tastes that momentarily transported her from the dissonance of the room.

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Later that night

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Beep. Beep. Beep.

(Y/N)'s phone rang besides her bed as she groggily grabs the phone without even opening her eyes.

"Hello."

"(L/N)! Thank goodness you're awake."

Prof. Sato ironically exclaims. (Y/N) was still half asleep.

"Hey Professor," (Y/N) rubs her eyes tiredly with a yawn from her bed" Whaatsup?"

"(L/N)! I need you to go the abandoned building on Akihariba!"

Professor Sato's elderly voice screeched on the call, rendering (Y/N) deaf on one side ear momentarily.

"Akihariba - got it-" (Y/N) stumbled drousily out of her bed and tapped her watch with blurry vision. A glowing blue screen of a hologram map pops up and she taps a few specific digits. A red dot appears on the screen that beeps before a bright light illuminated the entire room, leaving a burst of digital shards in her position where she was no longer present.

ﮩ٨•°•ـﮩﮩ٨ـﮩ°•°٨ـﮩ•°•ﮩ٨ـ

The city slept and the moon cast its silver glow upon the busy evening streets. The air was filled with an hums of passing vehicles and the occasional loud musics of advertisements of the citys billboards that flashed frantically. In this bubbly urban landscape, the light from (Y/N)'s teleportation shimmered of digital shards in the air as she managed to manifest herself standing at the threshold of an abandoned building, its decaying facade looming before her like a forgotten relic.

During the years she assisted Professor Sato with kaiju tracking devices and technological projects. One of the devices was a teleportation watch which had actually been an accidental success caused by (Y/N). A successful watch that allowed her to jump space at the press of a button.The downside of this watch was that they were not certain as to what created the watch's ability to teleport its user and they were never able to recreate it.

"Alright Professor," (Y/N) arched her back as her feet landed to the ground with her phone at her ear, "I'm here... Akihariba... by the warehouse... what do I need to do?"

As she stepped inside, the darkness engulfed her, broken only by the pale moonlight filtering through shattered windows. The air was heavy with the scent of dampness and decay, as if the building itself held the secrets of a bygone era. The floor creaked beneath her feet, every step echoing through the empty corridors like whispers of forgotten memories.

"I - you - move- the equip-ment - im-im. Ul- Ul- Man's- in - wa-y! You- Crrrrrrrr."

"Urgh bad signal." (Y/N) groaned, her dark circles shadowing tiredness under her eyes. Today was supposed to be a rest day. But oh well. From what she gathered, she was supposed to move the equipment she had stored.

"Might as well get the equipment out. Maybe one of these delinquents are roaming around which is why Professor wants me to move them."

In the center of the dilapidated building, amidst the debris and dust, lay the remnants of her professor's important equipment. Covered with a worn cloth, they appeared like hidden treasures waiting to be discovered. The room seemed frozen in time, it had been abandoned for at least two decades, leaving behind a sense of unfinished business.

Carrying the equipment one by one by her gentle hands into one section of the room. After stacking them on top of one another as she prepared to make a teleportation jump back to her place, a sinking feeling washed over her.

"Crap! I used the teleportation device four times already!" She facepalmed herself, irritatwd towards herself itching her mind as it was already racing with the consequences of this discovery.

The realization striking like a lightning bolt - she couldn't use the teleportation watch more than four times or else the watch will glitch and keep resending her to her current location. And this abandoned building was amidst the city - walking around in plain sight with these high tech equipment would be disaster if the KDF spotted her.

"Let see if I can call the professor to send something over to - what the- "

CRASH!

Just as she was about to inform Professor Sato of the dire situation, a deafening crash and rumble reverberated through the building. The walls trembled and groaned under the weight of their own deterioration as a gigantic human sized figure skid across the buildings surrounding, and inclusive of the the one (Y/N) and the equipment currently occupied. In an instant, chaos erupted as the entire structure began to crumble, disintegrating into a cloud of dust and debris. (Y/N)'s survival instincts kicked in, and with a surge of adrenaline, she sprinted towards the exit, her footsteps pounding against the crumbling floor.

Ultraman groaned in pain as come bricks covered him like ants, and metal asbestos clanked around him as he sat up, unaware of the presence of the running girl and a loud roar erupted through the city.

A Kaiju taller than any of the buildings, it beautiful scales glistening in the moonlight bearing its sharp teeth and the city's giant hero.

"YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME! I THOUGHT THE CURRENT AREA WAS SAFE TODAY!" She screeches, seeing the terrifying sight of the Kaiju.

She burst through the doors, stumbling and falling meters away from the collapsing building. Her heart pounded in her chest as she lay there, gasping for breath as she flung herself forward to the ground and covered her head. The sight before her was both devastating and surreal - the once-standing edifice now reduced to a heap of rubble and ruin as Ultraman gets up and continues his fight further away with the Kaiju.

As her eyes surveyed the wreckage, a mix of disbelief, anger, and frustration flickered across her face.

"Great... my life... is absolutely just...great," she mutters taking in deep breathes between her words, blowing her fringe off her face her voice laced with sarcasm.

She rose to her feet, her body trembling with a cocktail of emotions. With clenched fists and a furrowed brow, she began to rant to herself, her words a blend of exasperation as she started screaming her head like a maniac

"Can I go just one day!? ONE DAY WITHOUT DRAMA!? URGHHHH! The equipment! OH MY GOD! Theprofessorsgonnakillme-theprofessorsgonnakillme-hesgonnakillme-gonnakillme!"

A urgent amalgamation of panic and anxiety rushed through her blood as her eyes surveyed the wreckage, a wave of inner grievance for the equipment washed over (Y/N). Her heart raced, and a cold sweat formed on her brow. The sight before her was devastating, and there was no room for amusement amidst the chaos.

Her mind raced with any random excuse she could give to cover up her blunder with the watch. The weight of the situation bore down on her, and her chest tightened with a suffocating sense of despair.The reality of the situation crashed over her like a tidal wave, leaving her feeling helpless and overwhelmed.

Eventually the emotion intensified so much she just gave up, and she released her wrung hands in anguish.

Finally, She claps her hands together and sighs ,calmly.

"Keep it together, (Y/N). There’s absolutely nothing you can do now, (Y/N) and nothing you couldve done." She speaks to herself in a rather cheerful tone, clapping her hands continuously as if she were two separate people, "My mental state is priority. And everyone else is minority! Positivity! Positivity!"

Despite her costant affirmation to herself of the situation she was currently in, she felt a desperate urge to salvage what remained, to fix the irreparable damage she had unintentionally caused.

Unfortunately, it got worse.

KDF helicopters started scouting the damage as they captured the rampaging Kaiju and Ultraman was no where to be seen.

" I really really hate my life!" (Y/N) cursed herself as a white light beamed towards her and instinctively hid under some rumble that covered the equipment and she checks her watch, that lit up the time.

23:45.

'Looks like I have to wait till they leave.' The (H/C) colored girl sighs, sitting down and bringing her knees up to her chin as she hugged her arms around her legs, hiding in the chaos of the city.

authors note | So I really enjoyed writing part 2 - as you can see Y/N is Over stressed and I have given her a high tech watch for teleportation. (We can't be having her like a plain jane with no special skill/ability) please feel free to give feedback - I'm open to criticism as I want to improve :)

[avpdpossum]

Hi. After following a hyperfixation rabbit hole (thank you, ADHD and Autism) I have been wondering if I have AvPD. I've been obsessively researching it for a while now, and it would make a lot of sense for the struggles i've been facing that just aren't really explained by my other diagnoses but also aren't really *normal* per se, but I'm scared I'm wrong or just looking for something else to be "wrong" (i put wrong in quotes bc i dont think any disability/mental illness is actually something wrong, but that's how a lot of the people around me perceive it) with me so I feel like my suffering is more valid. My thoughts and hang ups are this:

I feel like my avoidance isn't severe enough to qualify (also me: hasn't made a follow-up appointment with either my neurologist or psychiatrist bc the idea of making the phone call "wrong" is crushing; changes the time I eat lunch so I don't have to either ask to sit with the people I know would let me sit with them bc they consider me or a friend or have them see me sitting alone even tho I literally like them and want them to be my friends; still haven't applied for my college housing accoms that I literally need bc I'm too scared i'll get turned down; feels crushing embarrassment even existing in the same space as my roommate; has a grand total of 1 friend)

It could just be my social anxiety/autism/agoraphobia. I feel like none of these really explain how deeply I feel rejection (my best friend was too busy to eat dinner with me like we usually do bc finals season and I nearly threw up bc of how much it hurt, and I ended up in tears for almost an hour) or just how crushingly embarrassing I find being perceived by others/existing to be (I literally can't make phone calls unless I'm locked in my dorm without my roommate there because I feel like people will judge me for doing a normal human activity like answering my mom's phone call; can't brush my teeth in the morning bc what if people see and only do it at night when most of the dorm hall is asleep), the constant reassurance I need from people (I'm constantly asking my best friend (only friend really) if I'm annoying them/too much work/going to get left by them/actually welcome to hang out with them).

I also wonder if my self-esteem is too high since I know low self-esteem is a key part of AvPD? I don't feel like I'm inferior academically/intelligence wise, hell I'm kind of arrogant in that respect, but also feel like I'm not good enough/interesting enough/pretty enough/funny enough for someone to want to be around me and have struggled with suicidal ideation because of it. I sometimes (by that I mean almost weekly) have meltdowns where I end up just wallowing in my own self-hatred for hours and ignoring people's texts/my homework bc I feel like i'm not good enough to have friends/long term partners.

I'm also not particularly quiet when I *am* in social situations. I tend to blurt out whatever's on my mind, even though I immediately regret it 99.9999% of the time, and my ADHD impulsivity results in me interrupting people a lot even tho it makes me feel like a horrible person. I always feel like I've overshared to everyone (tho my best friend, the only person I can be around all the time and not have a meltdown, says I actually under-share and should open up more to people).

I don't have any childhood trauma that could have caused it, at least I don't think? Like. My parents are amazing, they've always been there for me emotionally and physically. I was kind of bullied in pre-school through elementary school (people would take stuff from my bag and throw it and make me "fetch like a dog," I was really short so they'd hold stuff out of my reach) and never really had friends in middle school, just these three girls who let me hang out with them when I was around but would ignore my texts a lot, not invite me places they were going, etc, and after I moved away just before high school i didn't really bother to try making friends bc even tho i was lonely it just didn't seem like it was worth it bc they wouldn't like me anyway and I was just gonna go to college soon and they'd leave me then but none of that's really traumatizing?

I don't know. I feel like it really fits but also like if it were actually a big enough problem to qualify as a personality disorder my therapist would have caught it by now? And I'm scared to bring it up bc if she thinks i'm wrong i'll probably never want to talk to her again bc i'd be so embarrassed. Sorry, this was really long. If you actually read all of this, I guess I just want to ask if you think it's even possible I could have it.

i'll give you the short answer first: yes, it's absolutely possible that you could have it. i can't tell you if you do or not, but i can tell you that all of the doubts you mentioned are things i've personally struggled with while figuring my avpd out.

i'll put a much more in-depth answer addressing each of your concerns under the cut:

I'm scared I'm wrong

here's the thing: being wrong doesn't hurt anyone. people will act like researching your own potential diagnoses and coming to the wrong conclusion is the end of the world, but the reality is, there's very little actual harm that could come from a self-misdiagnosis.

with a clinical diagnosis, if the doctor is wrong, that could end with consequences like taking the wrong medication or doing therapies that do more harm than good to you. but just doing your own research and coming to your own conclusion? the worst that happens is you use the wrong word for a while and then eventually realize it doesn't fit as well as you thought it did, or you ask a doctor about it and they decide it's not a good fit and (if they're a good doctor) help guide you toward a more accurate explanation of what you're experiencing. either way, there's no harm done!

or just looking for something else to be "wrong" with me so I feel like my suffering is more valid

here's the thing: whether avpd is the answer or not, you're suffering. and if you're suffering and you want to better understand why that's happening, you're allowed to do that! your suffering is valid whether there's a name attached to it or not, but that doesn't mean it's wrong to want a name for it. it's only natural to want to understand why you feel the way you do and find people like you.

and if you're worried about a "psychology student syndrome" kind of thing – that you might just be projecting symptoms onto yourself that you don't really experience – the best thing you can do for that is to take some time to really look at yourself and your life and see if you see those things taking place. don't worry about if they're "as bad" as other people's; if you see examples of those things in your life and you're suffering because of them, that's all it takes to know you're genuinely experiencing it.

I feel like my avoidance isn't severe enough to qualify

it seems like you already know this on some level, but yeah, all of the things you listed after this sentence absolutely sound like some pretty significant avoidance to me. again, i can't tell you if it's avpd or not, but those do sound like the kinds of things i would count toward my own self-diagnosis if it were me.

there's no hard line of how severe your avoidance has to be, or any real way to objectively measure severity in the first place. if those things are getting in the way of you living your life and/or causing you to suffer emotionally, that means they're bad enough to be taken into consideration.

the secret is, almost no one feels like what they're experiencing is bad enough. i've had times in my life where my avoidance literally almost killed me, and i still wonder if it's "bad enough". don't let that imposter syndrome feeling stop you from better understanding your brain and getting the support you need.

It could just be my social anxiety/autism/agoraphobia. I feel like none of these really explain how deeply I feel rejection or just how crushingly embarrassing I find being perceived by others/existing to be, the constant reassurance I need from people.

this feeling was actually exactly what started me on the path that led to me realizing i had avpd. i knew that i was autistic and socially anxious, and i thought for a long time that those explained what i was experiencing, but the more i interacted with people around me who were also socially anxious autistics, the more i realized i was dealing with something none of them seemed to understand.

and all of the things you described – intense emotional dysregulation caused by rejection and embarrassment and needing constant reassurance to function in social situations – are classic avpd things. so i would say, if your gut tells you those things aren't being explained well enough by the words you already have to describe yourself, avpd is definitely worth considering.

I don't feel like I'm inferior academically/intelligence wise, hell I'm kind of arrogant in that respect, but also feel like I'm not good enough/interesting enough/pretty enough/funny enough for someone to want to be around me and have struggled with suicidal ideation because of it. I sometimes (by that I mean almost weekly) have meltdowns where I end up just wallowing in my own self-hatred for hours and ignoring people's texts/my homework bc I feel like i'm not good enough to have friends/long term partners.

hey, you're talking to the guy who's not just avoidant but also a narcissist. avpd can absolutely coexist with being highly confident (or even overconfident) in certain parts of yourself.

it also sounds like that confidence is an exception to the rule. feeling like you're "not X enough" for other people to the point of having self-isolation spirals or suicidal ideation because of it are really common forms of low self-esteem in avpd. if you ever here an avoidant refer to having an "avpd spiral" or "shame spiral", the experience they're talking about is a lot like what you described.

I'm also not particularly quiet when I *am* in social situations. I tend to blurt out whatever's on my mind, even though I immediately regret it 99.9999% of the time, and my ADHD impulsivity results in me interrupting people a lot even tho it makes me feel like a horrible person. I always feel like I've overshared to everyone

the stereotype of avpd is a super shy and quiet person, and some of us definitely are like that (myself included), but not all avoidants are. there are some who mask their avoidance by coming off as incredibly social and talking to people a lot, and others who (like you described) talk a lot even if they don't want to because of other aspects of their neurotype.

i think those feelings of regret and shame that you feel in response to what you're saying are really the important thing here. those internal experiences are much more fundamental to what avpd is than how they present externally, so the fact that you're experiencing them means i definitely wouldn't count avpd out just because you're not as quiet as some of us are.

I don't have any childhood trauma that could have caused it, at least I don't think? Like. My parents are amazing, they've always been there for me emotionally and physically. I was kind of bullied in pre-school through elementary school and never really had friends in middle school, just these three girls who let me hang out with them when I was around but would ignore my texts a lot, not invite me places they were going, etc

first of all, a history of trauma isn't actually required to have avpd. it's often assumed that personality disorders are also trauma disorders because they are often associated with trauma, but there's nothing suggesting that's always the case.

there's also research that has shown some people are born predisposed to avpd. it tends to cluster in families along with social anxiety, suggesting there's some sort of heritable aspect, and some research suggests avpd might start in childhood with a person having a nervous system that's naturally hypersensitive to certain triggers.

it's also important to remember that the kinds of trauma that can lead to something like avpd aren't always things we would look at as obvious trauma. for example, one paper i found said that a possible form of trauma that could lead to avpd is having an overprotective parent – the parent projects their fears onto the child and, despite just trying to keep them safe out of genuine love and care, ends up teaching their child that the world is dangerous. we might not look at that kind of parenting and automatically see it as traumatizing, and it's hard to fault that parent for trying to keep their child safe, bu the result for the child is the same. especially if we are born with more sensitive nervous systems than the average person, things that seem totally mundane could have a significant impact on how our brains develop.

all of that to say, it is possible that the experiences you described –being bullied in school and excluded by your friends – had enough of an impact to cause the struggles you're experiencing now, even if they don't feel like trauma. it's also possible that they're unrelated, because avpd (if that is what you're experiencing) can develop even in the absence of trauma.

I feel like it really fits but also like if it were actually a big enough problem to qualify as a personality disorder my therapist would have caught it by now?

you'd be surprised what therapists don't catch, especially if there's a much more common and less "scary" label (like social anxiety) that can, on the surface, explain away what you're experiencing. i've been seeing my therapist for 8 or 9 years now and she's very aware of my avoidant tendencies, including how much they get in the way of my life, but she still never brought up avpd with me. whether it’s because they just don’t hear about avpd enough to think of it, because they avoid diagnosing personality in general, because they don’t know “do with” avpd and would rather assume it’s something they do know how to handle, or because they think avpd is just another word for severe social anxiety, a lot of therapists will see all the signs of avpd in a patient but never actually bring up avpd as a possibility.

at the end of the day, you know better than anyone how much of a problem these struggles are for you. if you think this really could be the explanation, don't worry about what she did or didn't catch. therapists aren't infallible; they're human, and they can miss things.

I'm scared to bring it up bc if she thinks i'm wrong i'll probably never want to talk to her again bc i'd be so embarrassed

i 100% get that fear. i actually had that happen to me with my therapist – i brought up a few theories of mine to her, she shot them all down, and i ended up stopping our sessions and eventually going to a different therapist for a while because i felt like i couldn't trust her anymore. ultimately, i went back to her (mostly because the second therapist was an incredibly condescending asshole and my parents didn’t know of any other options), but i honestly still haven't brought avpd up to her to this day because of that.

so i can't blame you at all, and it's okay if you feel like you need to work up to bringing this up with her. try doing some more research and getting more confident in your theory so you feel like you can explain it well to her, and maybe even put together a collection of the evidence you have for it – examples of how you feel like you exhibit the symptoms, things like that – so you have something to hand to her instead of having to explain it on the spot. once you've looked into it more on your own, you can reevaluate how confident you feel in the theory and decide if it's time to talk to her.

in the meantime, you could try testing the waters to see how she might respond to you bringing up a theory. there are some therapists who are super against patients doing their own research and having their own ideas about what's going on, so it’s good to know if your therapist is one of those people ahead of time instead of finding out the hard way.

i would also recommend telling her that exact fear if/when you do bring this up to her. that sentiment of "one somewhat negative interaction is all it takes for my embarrassment to be so bad that i can never talk to you again" is a really common thing with avpd, and is one of the reasons a lot of avoidants struggle with therapy. so being honest about that fear can both help her understand that she needs to be cautious in her approach if she does disagree with you and could actually make her more likely to agree.

I guess I just want to ask if you think it's even possible I could have it.

so yeah, like i said at the beginning of this, i think it's very possible that you could have avpd. i can't tell you for sure, but pretty much everything you've described here sounds very familiar to me as an avoidant person, so at the very least i think it's definitely worth looking into further and seeing if it continues to feel accurate as you learn more.

i hope this helps! and whether you end up concluding that you're avoidant or that there's something else going on, i hope you're able to find the understanding and support that you need.

[wishing-stones]

Just wanted to say I enjoy your writing, but you're also really kind to people's insecurities about themselves. You translate that into your writing about the boys and how they would react to those people; they're not perfect beings themselves, but they're accepting and agreeable to compromises as we are to make em with them too, and it always makes me happy and a little emotional when I read those bits. So yeah, thank you! <3

The guys aren't infallible, they're villains and murderers (...mostly), but they aren't cruel needlessly. Things that someone can't change about themselves, or that is central to their person or personality... they won't try to change it or make fun of it. Everyone is different, and that uniqueness needs to be respected and accepted. This is a huge part of monster socialization and culture, since they're so diverse, and it kind of baffles them on the whole that humans can be so mean to one another.

They also understand that mentality can be a very fragile thing, and a lot of them have to deal with heavy shit on the daily. They know that patience with them is a good thing, so they extend that to anyone else in their life, too. They don't want to make something worse for someone they care about. And... they also know that support and their little found family have done more for their stability than anything else... so they extend that support to those they love, too.

I don't like to see people beat down on themselves for no reason. You might have some neurodivergence that you think makes you hard to deal with, or unlovable; this is not the case, and if the people surrounding you think that, you should surround yourself with different people. For a physical appearance, disability, mental illness, trauma... none of these things are things that you should use to hurt yourself. It sounds a little elementary-school-preachy, but it's true; what you look like and what you are do not define you so much as how you treat other people. I'm not going to pretend I'm a saint, but I try to be as kind and accepting as I can be, and that extends to my readers as well as anyone else around me (who haven't grabbed the wrong end of the stick).

[knockoff-conlon]

modern dorlene hcs!!

Marlene:

loud. always. she said it kept her brain at bay. she liked to yell and shout and draw attention to herself.

blonde hair that gets fucking everywhere. everywhere at all times. catches on things, too, like dorcas' rings.

really bright brown eyes.

fastest runner in her elementary school and high school. VERY fast.

tall. 6'2

smart but she doesn't apply herself as a way of rebellion against her family.

neglectful, abusive family that she runs away from when she's fifteen.

her phone background is actually a picture of her and remus, not her and dorcas

closest with remus out of anyone. lived with him when she ran away. they were extremely codependent and didn't have an boundaries. james and dorcas accepted that they were a package deal

90s grungey style. a lot of flannel, ripped clothing, leather, patches.

violent. it was an unfortunate habit from her family. she would get very angry very fast and it transferred to violence, though she tried to never hit her friends and she NEVER hit dorcas.

had a running bet with remus over who would get their braces off first when they were thirteen. (she lost but says she won)

lots of tattoos. one of those people who didn't really have meaning for said tattoos. she just likes the look.

tons of piercings- about eight or nine in each ear, eyebrow, tongue, septum, nose.

musical lover. hope lupin introduced her to all her favorite musicals.

has dorcas saved in her phone as 'side-ho #1'. dorcas knows and loves it.

swears a lot. the marauders, valkyries + dorcas made a swear jar to stop her swearing so much.

jewish convert, conservative jew.

got with dorcas when she was eighteen. once they did get together, they were very close and very in love.

touchy with remus and dorcas. not with anyone else.

designer fr tho. she makes her own clothes and makes her friends' clothes, too.

smokes + she has a lighter with a dumb design on it from remus.

steals remus' clothes 24/7.

looms over people menacingly.

very severe adhd. has a habit of being distracting as shit, forgetting to eat, a hatred for certain sounds and feelings, and hates overhead lighting.

candles. all the candles.

knows how to shoot a gun and often does go to a shooting range.

part spanish and french, speaks both languages.

dyslexic.

will eat anything someone puts in front of her. from nachos to fajitas to escargot- she'll eat it all.

really strong. can lift about 450

trust issues.

hockey player.

multiple concussions.

partially deaf due to repeated head trauma from said concussions and abuse from her parents.

Dorcas

she's tiny, literally 5'0 on the dot and so she makes evan and marlene get her things on tall shelves.

gets really anxious sometimes and bites her nails because of it. pandora does complicated nail art on her nails so she feels bad biting them.

flexible as shit.

very feminine, which makes people assume she's straight.

makes her own jewelry and creates a small business of it at her high school. she makes a small fortune off her earrings.

big on romance movies, cries at them. loves horror movies, too, doesn't flinch.

resting bitch face, 100%

lives in a trailer with her dad. mom ran away when she was, like, two months old.

can play bass.

eyes so dark they're almost black.

has a tattoo on her wrist for her dad. it says 'i love you' but in his handwriting.

marlene left her hockey jersey at dorcas' place one day and now dorcas wears it to sleep.

loves to take pictures, has a lot of really embarrassing, weird photos of her friends, family, and marlene.

really good at baking, can back anything. god awful at cooking.

plant mom

fairy lights everywhere in her room.

at one point sold weed to help with the money at her place. now she does it for some extra money.

HUGE activist. got into a lot of trouble at school for it but then barty would be louder and more violent about her getting in trouble and cause a riot.

cold, all the time, no matter what.

big reader, bonded with regulus, lily, and remus over it.

atheist number one but will go to shul with marlene if she asks, specifically the high holidays.

farmer's markets, vintage festivals, and art stores are where she spends all of her money.

loves to paint but there's not enough room in her trailer so she paints outside while her dad reads beside her.

pineapple pizza is one of her favorite foods.

barty, evan, and dorcas hang out together and dye their hair with each other. regulus and pandora do not participate and hang out together elsewhere.

is super, super close with her dad and she tells him everything.

steals barty's clothing because she likes his style and men's clothing is more comfortable.

draws on her converse and marlene's leather jacket.

worships minerva mcgonagall. the art teacher.

scared of flying.

gave herself a lot of her own piercings.

Dorlene:

they have 'design dates' where marlene sits and makes clothes, and dorcas works on her jewelry/works on new art.

nauseatingly affectionate sometimes.

that one picture with the girl straddling the other one and doing her makeup. that's them.

flat is always super loud- marlene playing music and them dancing, working on their university assignments and their work.

marlene spends a lot of nights at dorcas' trailer and becomes best friends with her dad because of it.

marlene does bring donuts or coffee for them all the time.

shit talk people but in sign language.

dorcas comforts marlene during nightmares and marlene comforts dorcas during anxiety attacks.

never explained they were dating to their friends, one day just kissed goodbye and everyone just went with it.

marlene picks her up and carries her places (the doctor, cause dorcas is scared of the doctor and refuses to go)

dorcas bakes marlene cookies and muffins when she's sick.

dorcas cheers marlene on at all her hockey games, even though she finds hockey dumb.

dorcas takes marlene to vintage stores and markets and marlene always ends up carrying whatever dorcas buys.

marlene takes dorcas to shul with her on the high holidays and makes snide commentary about the people at her shul. dorcas tries learning hebrew to at least be able to follow along. doesn't work super well but marlene appreciates it anyway.

take turns deciding what movie go watch together. marlene likes action/adventure and dorcas loves a dorky romance movie.

marlene takes dorcas to italy to visit marlene's older brother. make solid plans to move there one day/honeymoon there.

road trip together with them and their friends.

can definitely do the dirty dancing lift.

had picnics on the balcony at their flat all the time. marlene used her candles to make it more atmospheric and dorcas' plants also helped.

kinda broke until marlene's fashion and designs hit it big.

femme x butch, fr tho.

dorcas used petnames all the time. marlene always got flustered and dropped what she was holding.

marlene learned how to style dorcas' hair, how to do braids and stuff like that so she could do dorcas' hair.

very in love, cutest couple ever, and kind of losers with each other.

[tepli-mravenci]

I just had an epiphany about the Barbie movie and I need to share it

So I watched Barbie like a week ago with my friend and I liked it, don't get me wrong, but it wasn't really life changing to me, it didn't really feel like I was the target audience despite having been raised as a girl and partially still identifying as a woman.

It never crossed my mind that I should change for a man, that I should serve a man or that I should tie my worth to a man, I never had to overcome that because I never really...cared about those things. I'm a lesbian and even as a kid, even as a teen I didn't think having a boyfriend was an inherently good thing, if anything I viewed it as a nuisance because my friends would mostly just complain about their partners.

I walked out of the theater thinking it was a really nice movie and feeling glad that it made a lot of people reflect on themselves and our society. I felt glad for others, because I didn't really feel targeted by any of the themes the movie was presenting.

That was until I thought about it at home and realized something. The friend I watched it with was a very femme cishet girl, she was very much the target audience of this movie. She listens to Melanie Martinez, she has a history of toxic boyfriends, all that jazz.

I remembered that during the montage of reminding the Barbies who they are, she said, out of nowhere "Oh, I hope they find the Weird Barbie doll and fix her too, that would be so nice." and I was so flabbergasted by that and I had so much to say to her about that that I just shushed her instead of saying anything and ended up forgetting about it by the end of the movie.

So when I recalled that, I also recalled that it was really hurtful, in that moment, to hear it from her and I couldn't place why.

I understood that she didn't mean it in a bad way at all. I understood that she saw the damage on Weird Barbie as traces of abuse, the sequence with the girl doing it was very violent and I understand she would've interpreted that as a traumatic event. I understood how she would view Weird Barbie getting restored as her healing from that trauma, becoming again who she was before it happened. But I... didn't really see it that way.

You see, I was in the "popular" girls group when I started elementary school, I gossiped with them, I laughed with them, I had a pool, that was all it took to be a cool kid when you were 7. But eventually it wasn't enough. They changed their style and priorities and suddenly they didn't care about Monster High and Winx anymore, they cared about boys and make-up. I was called immature and childish for still playing with toys when I was 11-12...by 12yo girls. I dressed in a very colorful expressive way, that was called weird. I was advised, by my classmates (only girls), to try dressing "normal" and try wearing a little mascara when I was 13.

The thing is, I didn't feel like the weird one, because from my point of view they were the ones who changed and were being weird now. I didn't like how they dressed and how they acted and how they presented themselves so I rejected that and continued expressing myself the way I wanted. So I was pushed away, I was silently dismissed. I was called weird behind my back and to my face. I was mocked for being myself. I was advised again and again to just try and fit in. But I didn't want to because I understood, even at that age, that it wouldn't make me happy to fit in with these people.

In high school I doubled down in the opposite direction and went full goth, which still made me stand out, but I understood that the people who would stick with me even tho I didn't look like them, were the ones worth being around. I literally wore smudged black eyeliner and black lipstick and goth casual to the Barbie movie.

So I realized, that my representation in the movie was Weird Barbie. And if she did get "fixed" I would genuinely be upset and it would also go against the message of the movie I feel. Even tho she was shunned from her community she remained kind, she was more understanding than any other Barbie, she was herself unapologetically. Yes, her looks were the result of her getting damaged by her girl but she embraced it, she expressed herself through it, she was the coolest Barbie in Barbieland.

Because she was like me.

[violentlyscreaming]

Taivan prompt with them getting back together in their 30s

I could have let this one be short and sweet as intended but it got away from me. It more alludes to them getting back together and is open ended but hey 🤷🏻‍♀️ maybe I’ll flesh it out someday.

Taissa Turner had just made partner at Fuller & Co Property Law. She’d celebrated over a nice dinner with all the other senior members of the firm before heading home for the night. The overly expensive steak sat like a rock in her stomach, it felt too much like other things she had to eaten. Still, this was an accomplishment; something to be celebrated.

She’d lost contact with the other Yellowjackets over the years. Trauma bonded some people and separated others. Natalie, and by association Travis, had become something of a stranger to her after the third time she paid for her rehab, but she felt indebted all the same for things she’d done out there. Lottie had been whisked away almost immediately upon reentering the United States. Taissa had never wanted to be close with Misty.

Van had disappeared after they broke up in college.

Shauna was really the only friend Taissa had kept, her only real friend at all if she’s truly honest with herself. She hadn’t connected with anyone in college other than her ex, Simone. She’d been so hung up on Van it didn’t work out. After that she’d thrown herself into work and she’d only managed cordial acquaintanceships with coworkers.

Her heels kicked off haphazardly by the door, Taissa dials Shauna. Shauna’s got a little girl, Callie, who she’s pretty sure is in elementary school now. Taissa’s sure she could use a break from the stay-at-home mom thing.

“Taissa! Hi, how are you?” Tai cradles the phone between her shoulder and cheek while surveying her closet.

“Good. Just made partner. Come out and celebrate with me, Shauna.”

Taissa hears the telltale sign of a phone being moved and hushed whispers as she exchanges her suit for a wife beater, jacket, and old corduroys.

“Fine. We’re going to Buzz though, I can’t stand those hole in the wall diners you end up picking.”

It’s true, Taissa tries to pick something at random every time so that the news doesn’t get a wiff of any Yellowjackets meeting up again. Fifteen years later and people were still obsessed. She’d called Shauna though for the promise of a single night to forget and have fun though, so their old dive bar from when she came to visit during college sounded ideal.

A scant thirty minutes later has Tai arriving early. Shauna will find her or call her when she gets there so she doesn’t bother waiting, breezing inside and sidling up to the bar. Two beers later and Shauna joins her.

“Tai, look! They still have the pool table. We should play like old times.” It’s unspoken that their old playing partners used to be Jeff and Van.

“One on one?” Shauna shakes her head.

“It’s a celebration. We both grab someone, we both know it’s been too long since we met someone new.”

Shauna sets to work on a twenty-something guy who’d been eyeing her across the bar. Taissa decides against saying anything: on a deeper level, she and Shauna are both aware she only married Jeff to make the argument that led to Jackie’s death mean something.

Taissa spins her chair the opposite way to gaze over all the patrons. She sees a flash of ginger hair. She’s not sure if it’s some misplaced sense of sentimentality or the fact that she and Van had spent a lot of time here when they dated but she finds herself walking over.

It’s stunning how much this woman looks like Van up close. Taissa’s eyes search her face. Are those the same-?

“Taissa Turner, who the fuck thought I’d ever see you again.” And oh fuck, it is her.

Van looks good. The years hadn’t visually changed her much, she almost seemed to be stuck in the same style she’d adopted before the crash. Taissa feels that same pull to her that she always had as a teenager. Something about Van was magnetic, they were two people that would always find themselves together again, weren’t they?

Van is smiling in a way that seems inviting. She’s got a bottle in her hands, the same beer she’d favored all those years ago. Maybe it’s the cheap booze roiling around in her veins but something pushed Taissa to hug her in answer.

Van smells good, like wood smoke and bourbon. Taissa breaths just a little deeper than she would normally. Van’s arms feel like they don’t want to let go even as they drop back to her sides. Taissa opens her mouth, unsure of what words would even come out when Shauna rejoins them.

“Tai, this is Adam. He’s going to be my pool partner. Who did you find?”

“Shauna, look. It’s Van.”

[the-byeah-bunch]

we’ve been having a bit of a rough go lately. we’ve hit another rock bottom and we’re struggling to even function. but, despite everything, we can’t help but think about the people in our life that make it worth sticking around for

our biggest supporter? our partner. gods we can’t even begin to say just how much she means to each and every one of us in the system. from the get go she has been nothing but supportive and caring and willing to learn. in all honesty we were learning together. she was the first person to know about us being a system in 2021, and that was after about a month of me trying to decide how to tell her. and that was after the person who brought this to our attention left our life. i honestly don’t think we would be where we are right now if not for her. i fear we would be alone in this fight. but we aren’t.

it did definitely take me awhile but with our partners help, we were able to slowly tell our friends. we were so goddamn nervous that we would tell them and they would see us as weird or insane and cut us off. but we were met with the exact opposite.

the first two friends we told (who sadly aren’t in the picture anymore) were so enthusiastic and willing to learn and they made us feel so valid. no matter what they were always asking questions and wanting to learn more about us and our illness. they made us feel so heard, despite neither of them knowing much about it.

the next two friends we told were the same. and to this day both of them are still wanting to know more. our one friend is always cracking jokes about us and never fails to make us laugh. he also makes sure he knows who’s fronting and their pronouns so he doesn’t misgender us. he is someone who has become so so special to all of us because he always goes above and beyond. hes always taking into consideration our health problems and is always wanting to help, no matter the time or place.

my other friend has been someone we’ve known since we were super small. we were friends all through elementary and high school and when she found out things just seemed to click for her. reasons why we did certain things, why we liked to go by certain names. hell, she was noticing the signs waaayyy before we did. but she is still one of our closest friends, despite everything. and she never ceases to surprise us with things she notices that we do that we aren’t even aware of.

our next friend is also someone who we hold so near and dear. he is the biggest sweetheart and he’s also always making sure he knows who’s fronting. he himself has had a rough go but it’s allowed for us to be able to bond over our trauma. knowing his struggles and his fears and experiences as allowed us to understand him on a deeper level and we continue to do so almost every time we are together. we always joke about how we could be siblings because we look alike. but we already see him as the brother we always wanted.

my long distance best friend was the next person we told. we were honestly so nervous to tell her but i’m so glad we did. she told us that she doesn’t see us any differently and still loves us for us. despite her being across the globe we continue to talk and call as if nothing had changed

the two friends we told in 2023 were definitely a lot easier to talk to. a lot happened between 2022 and 2023 which brought them a lot closer to us than we had been before and we finally just decided to say fuck it and tell them both. they were the first ones we told without needing the help of our partner. they were so open and chill about it. it honestly doesn’t feel like anything’s changed and we can’t help but sigh of relief. they are both so respectful and understanding and we feel like telling them only brought them closer.

the last friend we told was someone that clicked with us almost immediately. we liked all the same things, got along so well that there wasn’t an awkward phase. we didn’t think too much about it in the beginning but when they told us that they told their mom we were their best friend, we had a moment to realize just how special they are to us. no matter the amount of time that passes, we can always go back to exactly where we left off last time we saw eachother. when we told them, they simply said they loved us and that they were proud of us for sharing and even though it doesn’t seem like the best answer, we couldn’t have asked for anything else. if anything, hearing that was a bit of a relief. just knowing they love us regardless was enough.

i know this isn’t something a lot of systems have. in fact when i first was told by another system that they believed we were as well, they told us to be careful who we told because they had lost a lot of people after telling them. and that scared the absolute shit out of us. so much that when they left my life, i truly felt alone in the world. the two people who actually understood what we were going through were suddenly gone and we didn’t know what to do.

but now, we couldn’t be more grateful for the people we found after. because they are so much more than we could’ve ever asked for. for the first time in our life, we finally feel accepted and loved for us and nothing but. we know that we are heard and we know that we are seen. we know that there are people out there who care.

for any singlets out there wondering how to help your system friends - ask questions! let them know you want to learn about them! learn the terminology! educate yourselves on the right and wrong information. and remind them how valid they are. remind them that they are heard and seen and that their suffering isn’t going unnoticed. remind them that they are loved and cherished for everything they are and everything they will be. remind them that their trauma does not define them. remind them that their best is enough. tell them that if their best is all they can do, that’s good enough. it may not seem like much to you, but i can guarantee it will mean so so much more to them than you know.

[andytheauthor]

Talking about the boys (Robin and Jaden)

Robin is one of those kids that hits the threshold of trauma real early and simply attenuates to it. Sure, the horrors are unrelenting, but so is his optimism. He's still alive, and things sometimes get better instead of worse, so things are fine. He also has a bit of a complex about being The Goodest Boy, because he's a little bit terrified that showing that he has worries or problems will get him abandoned. This gets better as time goes on, and when Corvin and Nicky get him medicated for his panic disorder. His sunshine demeanor is about half real, half coping mechanism.

Originally I wrote him as being completely aroace, in book 2 when he's old enough to actually understand himself and the concept of sexuality. (He's a traumatized 10 year old in book 1, he doesn't have the bandwidth or prefrontal cortex to think about these things.) This stayed true long enough for me to actually finish writing book 2, where I thought I was going to be done with the series. Then what started as a self-indulgent little short story spiraled into an entire au, and Robin very politely informed me he would actually like to have a love interest, please. And then pointed at the most annoying character in the lineup. His name is Donner, he's a jackass, and he keeps stealing Robin's things and/or challenging him to duels. Basically just pulling pigtails like an elementary school crush. Don't worry, Donner learns a lesson about not being a pos before he and Robin can actually get together. It's a whole character arc he gets in book 3.

Jaden. Poor fucking Jaden. I'm going to be real, like five days after I created Jaden, I knew he was going to go off the deep end. You can't exactly destroy a kid's entire worldview, faith, life plan, and purpose, and not expect him to react poorly. The moment I knew I was writing book 2, I knew how his story was going to go. He's probably the most visibly and vocally mentally ill character in the series, and that's purely because he's too angry to seek help from anyone who's there to seek help from. Most of his life, he assumed he was going to die at 18. The fact that he doesn't absolutely destroys the part of him that had any certainty in life. So, he tries to destroy the rest of himself with drugs. I tried to make his depiction realistic, in that he's angry, bitter, and not the perfect baby victim that people want him to be. He says rude shit to people just trying to help him, blows up when people are nice because he thinks it's all fake. He hates everyone involved in the whole mess, and the only person he starts to actually be nice to and listen to is someone who has absolutely nothing to do with the events of book 1. His love interest, a guy named Angel, is a soft and sweet marshmallow of a person that has a high tolerance for his weird mean bullshit. (Angel has a younger sister who is relatively similar in personality, though much less traumatized. He thinks it's funny.)

Angel was also based on a cat I owned that had just passed at the time of writing book 2. Rest in kitty heaven Mike.

Cat tax, because I want more people to know about my giant sweet memory foam boy. (He was a 20 pounder. He was fucking huge.