#the point im making is the state of medicine is bad for doctors too

[funhomo]

thinking apropos of nothing about the time a couple years ago that my mother had to get all new doctors because united healthcare “failed to negotiate” with the system the doctors she’d been seeing for years were in

my mom is a medical doctor. she is in private practice which means since The Divorce she basically gets to scroll through all the same shitty exchange options as every other self employed schmuck.

my mother sure did get into a spiral about “I AM A PHYSICIAN AND I CANT EVEN GET DECENT HEALTHCARE MYSELF”

also? it didn’t used to be like this. part of why the state of health care makes my mom so angry is that it’s gotten worse over the decades.

Prior authorization? What they call “managed care”? the whole insurers-practicing-medicine-without-a-license thing? Wasn’t a thing til the 80s or so. Back In The DayTM if a doctor prescribed something your insurance paid for it. Or so I’m told.

[akutasoda]

Can I request Baizhu with a sick s/o who has a terminal illness and dies in his arms? It's ok if you don't want the s/o to die, you can change it up. I just thought this would be an interesting idea.

fatal mortality and the immortal

synopsis - he knew it wasn't going to last, but he wanted to indulge for as long as possible

includes - baizhu

warnings - gn!reader, reader has an unspecified terminal illness, angst no comfort, bit of fluff, death, wc - 1.1k

a/n: an interesting idea indeed, im ashamed at how quickly i started writing this-

you had come to terms with your illness a while ago. everywhere you went, every person you consulted gave you the exact same conclusion. you would be a liar if you said it didn't scare you, but anyone in your shoes would feel the same way. instead, you decided to not mellow in your own sadness and instead go about your life as usual. illness be damned. you wanted to make the most of your remaining time and not sit around worrying yourself to an early grave.

that being said, you still couldn't help but try this pharmacy a friend recommended to you. they had told you it had quite the reputation and they practically hurried you there the moment you agreed to give it a go. if there was even a slimmer of hope, despite your hopes not actually being that high based on previous experience, you'd at least exhaust every single available option. nothing bad could come of it so it was worth the shot.

in honesty, something about bubu pharmacy left a much greater impression on you the moment you simply stepped in the door. at first, the presumable herbalist, gui, welcomed you and asked if there was something you needed from the pharmacy. you explained very briefly about seeking some kind of help for your condition and he explained that the boss was busy at that point, but he still put you down for a consultation of sorts when the boss was next free.

it wasn't too long of a wait, and before you knew it, you were sat face to face in a more private room of the pharmacy with the boss himself. admittedly, your nerves about everything almost seemed put to rest by the doctor's confident smile and rather calming and composed voice. it made it all the more easy for you to tell him about your condition - you had told multiple doctors and pharmacists before, each with great difficulty, but for some reason, he made your difficulties null.

baizhu listened to you, about your condition, about your other attempts to find something to help and he could sympathise with your state. he himself practically had an incurable condition, except he knew his wasn't as life-threatening at this point as yours was. a doctor may not be able to help all his patients, but what kind of doctor would he be if he didn't try his hardest?

your first complaint was that the medicine was bitter. too bitter. to the point that you nearly recoiled from the taste. all the while baizhu stifled a small chuckle from your obvious distaste for his medicine, he knew that most patients complained about the bitterness of the herbal remedies but if it got results, then why should they complain in the long run? you glared at him and he only smiled back.

due to your illness, baizhu insisted that for the first parts of your treatment he should keep a close eye for side effects. you understood his concerns as he had expressed how this was the first time he made such a medicine and you didn't mind all that much. if anything, baizhu made for quite good company and so did qiqi. you'd become quite well acquainted with the girl after a short while. you'd notice how often baizhu rested during the day, he could barely see one patient before he was retreating to the back of the pharmacy for a rest. it wasn't exactly your place to pry, but you did become a tad concerned for his own health.

eventually, the medicine seemed to show great progress in helping you. deep down both of you knew that it wasn't permanent. they didn't class it as ‘terminal’ for nothing, but progress was progress. now you had more freedom to explore liyue but admittedly, you actually preferred to accompany baizhu and spend more time with him when he wasn't too busy.

you both couldn't recall when you became friends, but you both could recall when you started catching feelings. all the time spent with baizhu during his free time helped you two develop a strong bond with the other. baizhu knew it was foolish, he knew that allowing you into his life on such a personal level would only result in pain later on but he truly couldn't bring himself to stop these budding feelings growing.

all those fleeting moments you two spent eventually merged into a joyful blur that could be picked apart with the faintest recollection and smile. baizhu truly couldn't help but find himself brightening at the mere thought of seeing you and you really couldn't help but feel the happiest you had been in a while. but the both of you knew deep down the harsh truth.

your last complaint was that you didn't get to spend enough time with baizhu. in reality it was a long while that you had actually known the doctor - so long that you couldn't actually pinpoint the exact day where you first met. to say your time with him was enjoyable, would be an understatement. maybe if the circumstances would've been different you two would have lasted. but it seemed the archons above were against the both of you as your illness began to worsen at an alarming rate.

baizhu cursed himself. he hated himself for not finding something faster, for not helping you more. all he could do was listen to your last request and hold you close. his usual confident smile couldn't even be faked, his face showed nothing but pain and worry, even as you mustered up the strength to cup his face with your hands and mutter out your final confessions. baizhu held you close. grasping onto the final signs of life until he cried.

he hated death. yet he researched it to seek immortality for his own generational purposes. he wanted that everlasting lifespan but now as he laid down another glaze lily at your grave, he just wished that perhaps he wouldn't be so set on his research, that perhaps he could see you one last time.

taglist - @little-miss-chaoss, @frankiesteinn

[elliethesuperfruitlover]

tw/venting

so everything’s bothering me again. one, school, to be expected, i hate school. literally would rather just not do it whatsoever. the thought of having to go through 8 more fucking months of near pointless information makes me want to go into hypersleep, and come back when i can leave and get a job and not have to do school anymore. i dont even need pre-cal?? I plan to do what I want with my future, and thrive in a business that I created, or enjoy working for, not slaving away to the machine that is capitalism. i dont want to be a doctor, or a CEO, or anything like that. i just want to be happy, at whatever job I’m at.

and im not getting “dragged” per se, into fandom shit, but it really just stresses me out seeing people leaving, or being unhappy. and still not being able to get all of my feelings across the way. hurting someone’s feelings is the last thing i want to do, but withholding how i feel about certain things hurts me a lot in the long run. I was doing just fine, but it seems like I keep getting hit with blow after blow. it makes me not trust people who i feel like i should. and i hate that. and i try my best to be respectful, and be nice, but I just feel like i’m being looked down upon.

georgia is the state with the highest COVID rates, or one of the states. my city was on national fucking news, CNN, to talk about how fucked we are. the only two times i’ve seen my city on the fucking news were both times talking about COVID, and high rates of deaths. and low vaccination rates. i dont get it. i really dont. it’s not that hard to go and get a fucking shot that’s free to save not only your life, but your neighbor’s life, and everyone else’s. and people are taking fucking horse medicine to get away from taking the fucking vaccine. it’s FREE for a reason. people are just so fucking stupid sometimes. what does it take to save your fellow fucking neighbor? or hell, since us americans are so fucking selfish, YOURSELF??? i dont get it.

and my dad also fucking pissed me off too. he’s fully vaccinated. so he decided to go out of state to go see a football game with a group of friends, who run a social club. they go to every football game the local team goes to, but im really upset. do they have no respect for the worldwide PANDEMIC at hand? there’s people dying day in and day out, and that’s what they do in response? go away and cheer on a team, and completely disregard everything else. i just cant anymore. why would he do that? put himself and his family in danger? i hate that. i cant do that. i refuse to. i cant willingly put myself at risk of literal death. and he masks up, and socially distances, but i just cant see why he would do that. or why the team would do that. people are dying, and you’re out here just?? going out.

i feel this weird sense haunt me when i think about people going out and getting back to their lives. i mean sure, go out and have fun, but there’s still so much going on right now. i really just cant see how they do that. and schools reopening and all that. my county does school on a case by case basis. like i mentioned earlier, georgia has the HIGHEST rate of COVID, literally every single county has high rates. and kids are still in school? people are still traveling? not wearing masks. i fucking hate it here. yes, go have fun, but people are DYING? i dont get it. sure, you’re doing it safely, but i just dont know. maybe i’m bitter because i literally have close to no people to go out and see because all of my IRL friends go to in-person school, and i just dont feel comfortable being around them with such high death rates and such.

also i got some like...really potentially bad news from a close friend that i cant even talk about so thats great.

im like really touch-starved, and im sure that im losing it at this point. which is everybody, i guess? i just feel really shitty close to all the time, not being able to go and see people, or do fun stuff.

nobody talks about a lot of the bad stuff in being a teenager, because it’s all glamourized. im not sure if it’s normal or not, because nobody fucking talks about it, but ive got bad anxiety, paranoia, intrusive thoughts, suicidal ideation, the whole fucking nine yards. but it’s all partying and “teens need to stop doing this and that” and i know that social media is a lie, i get that. but outside of that, nobody talks about how fucked up some things really are. or maybe it’s just because it’s not normal whatsoever to feel this bad, and have this many bad thoughts, and all that. im convinced that all this anxiety isnt normal (i mean, i do have an anxiety disorder, but y’know) the intrusive thoughts, all that. i really just dont think enough people talk about mental health, still, after so much has been done and talked. especially not teens, and definitely not teens of color. it makes me feel even more alone in the struggle to find out what’s normal and what isnt.

society doesn’t give a shit about teenagers, this much i know. i never see people talking good about us. it’s always “there’s a new tiktok trend about kids doing xyz” and “teens need to stop being in blank fandom space”. and it hurts my feelings because i feel like there’s a lot of good kids out there. but people are obsessed with painting us as bad people, and monsters, and it makes me feel like there’s no potential anywhere. for any type of change. because nobody thinks that we can do anything but fuck everything up colossally. so those are my thoughts on that.

i wish i had something good to say, but i really don’t. i want to punch a wall and scream at the top of my lungs that i literally hate everything about everything, even if it isnt true. i feel trapped. that i cant say everything i feel to the people who matter most. and it’s not my fault, i know it isnt. but thats not stopping me from being in this tiny bubble.

[incorrect-hs-quotes]

oohohoho you just opened the deepest can of worms on the planet

-mod dave, who wrote a fucking ten mile essay

first off, addressing the second anon, no theyre all humans. h., half humans at least. cause yall know me i fucking love my humanstuck aus off my ASS

(that would be funny as hell though. a troll from space walking into a camp on earth going “I AM THE SON OF ONE OF YOUR EARTH GODS. BITCH” like... holy shit)

so first things first their parents. im gonna lay this out, the beta kids and trolls are all greek (EXCEPT sollux hes roman cause his parent has no greek equivalent), and all the alpha kids and trolls are those gods roman equivalents (,,EXCEPT dirk cause he kinda balances sollux being roman out). i havent figured out how thatd happen like 16+ times yet cause in the percy jackson books theres only ever been one instance of two siblings of the same godly descent being greek and roman respectively in HISTORY so like.. i guess th. i guess thats just not a problem in this au

anyway this gets really long so im gonna talk about the beta kids and trolls cause i havent elaborated on the alphas at all ((peep the tags if you wanna see their parents though))

johns the son of zeus, rose is the daughter of athena, dave is the son of apollo, and jade is the daughter of demeter. they were all raised in their respective states, all had to come to new york for various reasons. jades been there the longest, shes been there 9 years and shes been on a couple quests. her biggest accomplishment so far is how she protected the camp from this big vicious angry hellhound that got past the barrier. naturally the girls fluent in Dog Training, so she steps up and instead of trying to kill this thing, she reaches out and tames it as fast as she can. it ends up actually working, and ever since that day she, her cabin, and the camp have a whole bodyguard sleeping right outside the demeter cabin! hes her steed in battle and hes a Very Good Boy. and his name is becquerel

johns the newest kid at camp, he has no idea who he is or why the fuck his school got attacked or why in the hell those anemoi thuellai were so fixated on him or HOW in the hell he absorbed the lightning one threw at him and ended up fine,,, hes just a big mess right now. a big enough mess that when he got claimed by literally zeus, no one else was around, he shrugged it off as some basic magical happening, and he stayed in the hermes cabin far longer than he should have cause no one! fucking knew he got claimed! by zeus of all people! dumbass. he ends up figuring it out though. like an off-hand mention about how this “weird lightning thing appeared above my head a couple weeks ago, haha weird right?” once he figures it out he realizes “hey i might be able to fly” so he sneaks off into the woods to try it. he succeeds fairly quickly but god almighty everyones face the one day the dude just yote himself off a small cliff without warning,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

dave and rose are really tight, theyve been there roughly the same time length, and since their cabins are across from each other they just bother each other all the time. daves the resident Doctor even though he really doesnt look it cause hes got the apollo powers. apollo is the medicine god. so if you wound your stupid ass in battle daves in the ER room patching you up with his glowy hands. rose on the other hand is a very good strategist. shes one of the only athena kids ever recorded to actually have a power - telekinesis. she has no idea how she developed it, she thinks its from birth, but it freaks her out. shes training it though.

so the beta trolls, are also all human(ish). aradias hades kid. but i pulled a pjo trope on her based on one of my favorite characters (im not saying for spoilers, but if you recognize the situation, You Probably Know Who Its Based Off) and aradia died. her mom, the handmaid, had been pulling some Shady Ass Shit and ended up getting herself killed, but aradia tried saving her and ended up going down with her.

so handmaid gets sentenced to the fields of punishment in the underworld, and aradia gets sentenced to elysium, heroes paradise. shes like “no i want my mom to be okay” so they take that away from aradia and they put them both in the fields of asphodel, the neverending grey space for Not So Good But Not So Bad people. her mom becomes a shade (shadow spirit, no human resemblance), as all people do, but aradia. doesnt? and she gets dunked in the fucking river lethe and if you dont know what that does it erases your memory. so she just. comes out of the river like “hello? wgat tae fukc goin on??” but she still remembers one thing. there was an “a” in her name.

tavros is the son of hermes, hes just kinda taken on the role of backup counselor for when the actual cabin counselor is out. hes in a wheelchair, but he also has prosthetic legs for when he needs to actually stand up and fight. hes really good at it too. also catch him in winged converse cause he Owns Those and Uses Them To His Advantage. hes trying his best to keep focused on the camp, cause aradia was his childhood friend, he misses her a whole lot, she never got to camp in the first place. and to his knowledge, shes still dead.

sollux is a janus kid. thats a problem cause janus is roman, and this is a greek camp. he grew up with dave, he showed up with dave, hes been at camp as long as dave. but hes been unclaimed since he showed up so he thinks hes unwanted by whatever parent he has. he knows hes a demigod, he got through the camp barriers, so what the fuck is wrong with him? he also feels shitty cause hes shit at the greek lessons, he cant read a lick of it which literally every demigod without exception should be able to do, he cant name any gods- well, he can, but.. he gets their names mixed up. why does he keep calling poseidon “neptune”? and he has a much, much different way of natural fighting than other kids. they slice, he jabs. he wasnt taught to jab. 

karkat is an aphrodite kid with vitiligo, and to make matters worse, hes ace and on the aro spectrum. to make matters WORSE, the aphrodite kids are kinda notorious for being really shallow, really materialistic, and really mean. karkats been dubbed the “runt” of the cabin, he gets made fun of for his spots to the point where he uses make up and magic to conceal them. worst of all? hes the kid of the goddess of love, for fucks sake. being reminded that “loveless people shouldnt be able to stay in this cabin, mom must have made a mistake claiming you” is kind of.. a blow to the self esteem. long story short he hates aphrodite for claiming him, and would have rather stayed in the hermes cabin. but he eventually goes on this big quest thats vague as fuck right now but Its The Main Plot, he ends up proving to himself that hes worth something and that his siblings are wrong, and my FAVORITE LINE IN THE WHOLE THING i came up with is HIS when he deals a final blow to some big monster: “REMEMBER MY FACE THE NEXT TIME YOU REINCARNATE. MY NAME IS KARKAT VANTAS, I’M THE SON OF APHRODITE, AND LOOKS CAN KILL.”

nepeta isnt anywhere near developed as others are unfortunately, shes a daughter of ares and shes really really good at hand to hand combat. shes small but she leads groups of people in things ranging from camp volleyball games to actual literal wars. shes a tough little shit

kanaya isnt really developed either, i have yet to figure out most of her powers too actually, shes a daughter of iris, the rainbow goddess though. (blatant reference to both kanayas vampirism and. h. her. sh. es ga. gay) ONE THING SHE CAN DO THOUGH is iris message at will without water or drachmas so really shes just everyones go to cell phone and its fucking hilarious cause people just come into the cabin like “KANAYA I NEED TO TALK TO [X]” and shes like “You Better Fucking Pay Me I Am Not Your Personal Cell Phone”

terezi is the daughter of nemesis and she has this really peculiar power she hasnt really gotten the hang of yet. she has synesthesia, so while she cant see she can smell and taste the colors of her surroundings and its really helpful. sometimes though she gets messages from her mom. they dont even come as dreams half the time, they come as almost a different plane altogether. tez has the power to literally tip the scales, pretty much. and when she gets like that, she can see. shes not on earth though, shit on earth stops when shes like that. shes just kinda In Her Own Head, i guess? and in her head she holds the two scales in her hands. she is the arms of the scale. and depending on which one she lifts up, she can literally alter the fate of the battle or happening thats going on By Herself. once she chooses she just whooshes back to real life though and nothing has changed. the only downside? it takes a LOT of energy and cant be exploited for little things. her one thing on her bucket list is to tap into said powers while getting something from a vending machine so like three things will fall out but it hasnt happened yet and shes upset

vriskas a daughter of tyche, the luck goddess, come the fuck on you knew i was gonna, i havent really elaborated on her either and im upset about that. but hey now you get a break from all those fucking paragraphs

equius is a hephaestus kid, and he kinda stays in the background. hes a range fighter, he spends a lot of time in the forge, and even though its been a project looooong since forgotten, hes been excavating the tunnels under cabin nine for years. by himself. he has no idea where they lead, but dammit hes gonna find out where. he has no idea about a certain bunker in the woods though...

gamzees just there for a fucking laugh tbh hes a son of dionysus and i love that cause hes the god of wine and parties and insanity. usually gamzees just zoning out somewhere hes Not supposed to be, and hes not affected by the maenads FUCKED UP BULLSHIT that goes down the forest sometimes. also hes so fucking scared of tavroses wing shoes he tried them on once while he was high and JESUS CHRIST

eridan is the son of kymopoleia, a SUPER obscure goddess. lets just say dont fuck with eridan cause his mom is the goddess of violent sea storms,

and naturally, feferi is the daughter of poseidon. cause who the FUCK else would she be the daughter of. WHO. NAME ONE GOD

OH AND JUST CAUSE I FORGOT CALLIE AND CALIBORN ARE SATYRS IN THIS AU. CALLIE HAS PAN PIPES. and caliborn still has a gun

[nuoyipeach]

Sick (seulyong OS)

28/3/2019

Like the past few hours, she continued sitting there, sometimes on her phone, sometimes sleeping, sometimes having a snack. But her hand never let go of his lifeless one. Now she simply stared at him. She wasn't sad, nor happy. She was just relieved he wasn't dying, and she was there with him.

As she stared at his handsome face, she felt his hand tighten around her's, and smiled instantly as his eyes slowly opened. She moved the chair closer, her hand now carassing his face.

"Good morning."

But he knew the truth. He wasn't asleep. He was in coma. He knew it too well as it happened too many times, and each time she'd make it seem like it was a simple sleep. Tears pooled in his eyes, quickly wiped away by her sleeve.

"I'll get your breakfast." she turned around and pulled a tray from the end of the room towards his bed, opening the lid. "Red bean porridge. Your favourite." she sang chuckling. Picking up spoon by spoon, she slowly fed him, pouring it into his mouth, watching as he tried hard to swallow it.

She continued feeding him until his meal was done, then brought out his medicine the nurse had left them. She gave him the injection, patting his head as he hissed in pain to soothe him, then returned to sit next to him, hand in hand as she held his on her cheek, telling him about whatever was going on with everyone.

"Oh, and you can go home today too. I'll make stew, but not spicy, don't worry."

He looked down with a frown, finally speaking after a while.

"But I like spicy..."

Seulgi made a poker face, pinching his cheek. "But you can't, can you?" his frown made her feel bad, and pet his head. "Fine, I'll add a little bit of spice, alright?"

A small smile came from him, and she leaned forward to kiss his forehead. The door swung open, and the doctor came in. "Lee Taeyong." he called, then looked up to check on his patient. "Well, you can go back since you're awake. There's also good and bad news, but they're the same thing. His condition won't get any bad, but won't get any good either."

Taeyong's eyes welled up again. "You mean, I'll be like this forever? What if I die?"

"Like I said, it won't get any worse, so the chances of you dying are slim. But you won't get any better, so you will remain in this condition."

No matter how relieved it sounded to Seulgi, she instantly felt bad again seeing her husband's expression. She knew how he hated it.

How he hated being born this way. How he hated carrying medicine everywhere. How he hated being unable to do many things people do as a daily routine. And now, how he hated having to live with a pipe around his nose.

She knew him for a short while only, since university. But they grew close as Taeyong, the boy who wanted to do so much but was unable to, was able to make Seulgi do them instead, breaking the shy girl's shell and letting loose her inner self.

They were soon packed and in the car as Seulgi drove them home. She wondered what to do since she would have to go back to work, but she also needed to take care of Taeyong.

Thinking hard, she realised which would be easier. She could work from home, no problem. She was a good employee, getting a high ranking fast, and she could only thank Taeyong for that. They reached home and she helped him out of the car, into the house upstairs to their bedroom, then left to take everything else after laying him in bed. Taeyong looked around the room, as if anything would change. But he liked doing so, looking at all the pictures of them she had hung up.

With their friends. Their first date. Their graduation. The day he proposed. Their engagement party, wedding, honeymoon. He loved looking through their memories, memories of when he was in a better state.

Not a good one, but better than now. Better than carrying a vaccine in his bag with all those pills. Better than walking with support. Better than having a pipe on his face. But no, he was never in a good state, since birth.

And he loved Seulgi for she never looked at him that way. She made his sickness into such a normal thing, he sometimes wondered if he was dreaming it all. She was always there for him, even more than some of his friends, because according to her, she found him cute. His condition made him live in such a way, she for some odd reason found it adorable, not to mention how handsome he is. And Seulgi grew up helping her grandmother, so this was nothing new to her. She loved doing so, especially when Taeyong had helped her open up so much after her trust issues with people.

While he stared out the window, his back against the headboard, he felt the bed go down, and smiled seeing his wife already holding his hand, something she loved to do since they both loved skinship. But he felt terrible for her. She was stuck with him for the rest of her life, when he could do nothing. He couldn't shower her with as much love and affection as she does, or help out at home let alone find a job, because he was too weak to do so. And yet she chose to be with him forever.

"Do you want to go out tomorrow honey?" she asked sweetly.

"Where?"

"Wherever. I know you hate staying at home, so let's go out."

Another thing he loved about her. No matter how weak, how sick, how much in pain he is, she always made a way for him to enjoy life as a normal person. He nodded and kissed her hand before lying back down.

She moved and laid down next to him, head on her arm so she was propped up sideways, and played with his face and hair, touching wherever she could. It was her favourite game, touching Taeyong's face. She wondered how such a person existed, and why they were made to suffer this way. Taeyong looked at her and smiled, before she rubbed her nose on his, both breaking out into giggles.

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

"What?" Seulgi was in shock from what he said. It was their first anniversary, and Taeyong was ready to give her a gift, but he needed her consent. "Taeyong, I'm not sure..."

"Please. You've done so much for me, I've never been able to show you my love. Please for tonight, just let me love you."

They were sitting next to each other on bed, and he held her close to him tight with pleading eyes.

"It's not that. I'm worried about you. You know you're not well."

"You've always made me seem like a normal person, so why not tonight? Do you not want me to? After getting married and spending a year together, you don't want my love?"

Hearing his broken voice and seeing how he held back his tears, Seulgi shook her head pulling him im for a hug. "No honey. Of course I love you, and I want you to love me back. But... I'm just worried, that's all."

Taeyong sighed and pulled out, moving away from her as he laid back down in bed, turning to the other way without looking at her once. Seulgi sighed seeing his state, and left the room, thinking he'd need some time to himself. She sat in her office room, unable to do work as her mind was filled with thoughts. She wondered if she was being too strict with him, and if he was hurt that much from it.

After a while, she decided to go back to their room, and found Taeyong sitting up, looking down at a framed photo of them on a trip with their friends, the day they somehow confessed to each, and became a hot topic amongst the others. She smiled seeing him smile, and sat next to him. The moment he noticed her presence, he hid his smile and put the photo away, lying back down in bed.

"Taeyong come on, don't be like this."

"What's the point Seulgi? What's the point I'm still alive? Why can't I just die already? Life would be so much easier that way."

"No honey, don't say that. I love you, and I don't want to live without you."

"I can't even show how much I love you back, so what's the point?"

Seulgi turned away, unable to understand how he felt. But how could she? She wasn't him. She wasn't in a state ever close to his. She had been trying to help him live life to the fullest, but she forgot the small things that would have really made him happy. And this was one of them. Showing how much he loved her that way.

Seulgi pulled him to turn around towards her, gently so he wasn't hurt, and moved so she was nearer to him, slightly hovering above her husband. Taeyong simply stared at her, until she kissed him, pulling away with a smile.

"Love me."

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

Taeyong wasn't feeling any better, but he wasn't feeling any worse either. And he was sick of it. He was alive, and yet in so much pain. He'd rather die if this is the pain he has to go through for the rest of his life. But he knew how much his wife went through to keep him going, knowing how much she loves him, and he can only repay her love by being alive. They've had those nights a few times already, but each time Taeyong would be weaker than usual the next day, and still not care about it.

Today, he was too tired to care anymore. He didn't take his medicine on time, or eat, or do whatever he was supposed to do, thinking he'd die like that. And just as his body grew weaker and he started to cough continuously, he heard familiar footsteps running towards him.

"Taeyong! No, you can't do this!" she pulled out an emergency vaccine and quickly injected him, his body slowly calming down. She then replaced the pipe around his face and nose, just like how she was taught to, and helped him lay back down in bed. Before anything, once he seemed to be back to normal, Seulgi slapped him, not too hard though.

"What were you thinking!?!" she yelled, his head lowering. "Why? Just why Taeyong? What went wrong? Please tell me."

"I don't know..." he choked out, tears starting to stream down his face. "I don't know, but I don't want to live anymore. Look at me. All I do is lay around doing absolutely nothing. I'm as good as being dead."

Seulgi shook her head, pulling him in for a tight hug as she stroked his hair and he continued to cry into her chest.

"You are perfect to me Taeyong. I don't care if you're sick, unemployed, disabled, whatever. To me, you are a healthy, perfect husband. I loved you before knowing about all this, and I still love you the same, maybe even more now. But please, don't do this to yourself. You have me, remember, and..."

When she trailed off, Taeyong furrowed his eyebrows wondering who else she meant. His parents were dead, and her family barely ever saw him since they were always travelling. Who was she talking about?

"You have me Taeyong, and you have Jelly."

"Jelly?" Taeyong pulled out and asked, looking at her cheeky grin.

"That's the fetus name I came up with, since I know how much you like your favourite teddy bear jellies."

Taeyong didn't know whether to cry or laugh at the fact that she named their child after what he was used to call gummy bears. But he hugged her, burying his face into her chest. "Really? We're having a baby?"

"Yes honey. I found out day before yesterday, but I was waiting for the right time to tell you."

"Thank you. You just made my day ten, no, a billion times better."

He sobbed, but happy this time, into her chest as she continued to play with his hair, planting kisses on the crown of his head. She felt one of his hands on her stomach, thumb rubbing against it.

"Be a girl or a boy," he said moving his face down to her stomach, "just be like your mother. Don't be me."

"Don't say that. You're the most wonderful person in the world."

Taeyong smiled flatly before looking back down to her stomach, and lifting up her shirt, just until it's visible, "Maybe, but baby, don't be sick like me. If you are, I don't care, I'd still love you. But I hope you come out a healthy baby." he said with his forehead against her stomach, planting soft kisses over it. Seulgi giggled feeling ticklish, then sat down on her knees, sharing a kiss with him. She pulls away stroking his cheek with her thumb, before they both lie back down, her head on his chest.

"Jelly would love to have a father like you. I can tell. You're the best person I've ever met. So don't think you're life is useless. You have a big duty, that is guarding my heart and Jelly's."

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

[cole-grey-writes]

Kiss Me Better

Universe: Marvel Cinematic Universe

Timeline: Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier

Character(s): Sam Wilson

Pairing(s): Sam Wilson x Male Reader

Warning(s): swearing, completely inaccurate medical procedures because im not a doctor and 16 y/o

Summary: You were injured on a mission and in order to stave off infection, you have to get a shot...

OLD A/n from over a month ago: I got shots at the doctors probably a week ago (and I'm just now finishing this because frickin executive dysfunction kicked my ass). I don't have a bf/gf in real life to kiss me better, but I can always pretend with fanfiction. Enjoy

NEW A/n from right now: shit it’s been a long time huh? yeah, this was supposed to be uploaded over a month ago but for some reason I just... didn’t put it up. Idk, I think I was going through some shit so I wasn’t interested in anything at all and I was super unmotivated. Anyway, I finally got it up. Hope you all enjoy :)

“Sam!” you say his name with joy. The pain coursing through out your body isn’t enough to keep you from throwing your arms around your boyfriend as soon as he’s close enough to where you sit on the plain white bed in the SHIELD medbay.

You wrap your arms around him and squeeze as hard as you can without causing pain to shoot up your arms from your injuries. Sam returns the favor and hugs you close to his chest. You can’t help but wince when he unknowingly presses into a large bruise stretching across your stomach, but you don’t want the hug to end so you try to hide it. Sam obviously sees right through you and let’s go, although he doesn’t stop touching you. Sam’s hands rest on your arms gently, trying not to press on the bruises and cuts that are covered in bandages.

“Don’t ‘Sam’ me. You are an absolute moron,” Sam tells you, pointing a finger. Your mouth falls open in offense and try to say something but he interrupts you. “Did you think jumping in the line of fire was really your only option?”

“...Well, it seemed like the only option at the time.”

“Jesus,” Sam swears. “You are just as bad as Steve.”

“I am not nearly–”

“Don’t you dare try to deny it,” he tells you. He reaches up with his hand and shuts your mouth for you. “You know it's true,” Sam says it without judgement, like he knows how much people’s lives mean to you.

“Agent L/n,” SHIELD Doctor Vivienne Becker is suddenly standing next to you. She addresses you with a comfort as if talking with an old friend. Or maybe with exasperation of talking to an annoying younger sibling.

“Vivienne,” you greet back with a much lighter tone than her. “It’s nice to see you again.”

“I wish I could say the same,” Dr. Becker says, “but you're covered in contusions, lacerations, and just had two bullets removed from your femur and scapula.”

You tense when you feel Sam shift next to you, feeling his gaze on the side of your face. You aren’t even looking at him and you just know that his eyebrows are raised in scorn. “Oh, so you were shot, too?”

“Uh.”

“Fortunately, there was no damage done to any vital organs or major arteries.”

“Well, at least that,” Sam mumbles.

“However,” Dr. Becker interrupts pointedly, “there was foreign residues found on the bullets that were designed to attract special bacteria.”

You sigh. “And now it’s in my blood.”

“Correct and we’ve figured out how to neutralize the effects, but…”

“‘But’?” you wonder, whining. “‘But’? No, why ‘but’, Vivienne?”

“But,” Dr. Becker continues, “the treatment is in the form of a syringe.”

You suddenly sit up straight. “A shot?!” you scream, eyes going wide.

“A shot?” Sam wonders completely cluelessly. “What’s wrong with a shot?”

“It is one shot and it will be injected into your right shoulder,” Dr. Becker informs you before walking away to let you wallow in self pity.

You groan and throw your head back because fucking goddamn it, this would be your luck. A shot right when you get back off the field.

“What’s wrong with a shot?” Sam wonders again. You sigh heavily and took at Sam with your eyebrows raised. He looks at you blankly for a few seconds before he breaks out into a smile. Sam aws at you, causing you to purse your lips. “Are you afraid of shots, baby?”

You click your tongue and say, “Sam,” while growing more annoyed with his sugar sweet smile.

You ignore him (whether it’s because you love him or because you have no idea how to respond to his question, you don’t know), deciding instead to work out some stress by looking at anything other than the needles that seemed to be everywhere you look now.

Sam actually has to reach over and stop you from wringing your hands dry. “Come one now, baby,” he untangles your hands and intertwines one of yours with his. You aren’t able to help just melting under his smooth and caring voice. “It’s just one shot, it won’t be that bad.”

You hum doubtfully, squinting your eyes at him but squeeze his hand harder. “I hate shots,” Sam nods understandingly. “Shots suck. Shots can go fuck–”

You don’t get a chance to finish your rant because Dr. Becker walks back over to you and wonders, “Are you ready?”

Taking a deep breath and releasing it, you squeeze Sam’s hand to reassure yourself. “I suppose,” Dr. Becker doesn’t say anything, turning to grab the syringe. You bite your lip to steal yourself.

“Hey,” Sam says softly. You look at him and he shows you your interlocked hands. “Here, you can squeeze my hand to help you through it.”

“You sure?” You crack a smile, feigning hesitation. “I might break your hand.”

Sam hums dismissively. “I’m sure I can bear it.”

Dr. Becker turns back to you with a syringe in her hand. You tense at the sight of it but Sam moves closer, the warmth of Sam’s body on your leg enough for you to let go of your lip.

Dr. Becker pinches your arm and starts to inject you. Your face contorts and you wince in pain. While you’ve been punched, kicked, stabbed, and shot many times, it doesn’t make this any easier. You have to squeeze Sam’s hand as hard as your weakened state allows you. And it may be a bit of an ego boost but Sam winces from your grip.

In reality, it only takes about ten seconds but to you, it feels like a lifetime before Dr. Becker pulls the needle out. “Alright, all done,” she tells you, putting a bandaid where the dot of blood is. “The medicine should take effect immediately, so you need to rest up as much as possible. You can get your crutches from Nurse van Wieren when you’re ready,” she tells you and then leaves.

You look up at Sam to see him with a small smile on his face, looking back at you. “What?”

“Now, was that so bad?” he asks you.

“Yes,” you conclude firmly. You watch Sam try to hold back his smile, but failing miserably. You click your tongue at him, half heartedly hitting him in the chest. “I’m serious. Feels like a rod going through my arm.”

Sam chuckles but says, “Sorry, it’s just…” Sam shrugs. “I didn’t know that about you.”

He says it warmly. It reminds you of the first time you two had met almost a year ago when Sam had tested your name on his tongue right in the middle of HYDRA 2.0. You and Sam exchanged phone numbers right after the whole mess had been cleaned up.

“You know now,” you tell him. “So what?”

Sam shakes his head. “So nothing. I like learning new things about you, even almost a year into our relationship,” and isn’t that the sweetest goddamn thing? You are the luckiest guy in the world. Sam’s tone goes comically serious. “No, seriously… you want me to kiss it better?”

“Shut up,” You blush. “And help me down,” Sam smiles, holding out his arms for you to grab. You put a hand on his shoulder, balancing yourself. Wincing as you shimmy your way off the bed, you favor the leg that didn’t have a bullet in it.

“You okay?”

“I’m fine,” you tell him, “thank you.”

“It’s no problem, baby,” Sam coos while gripping onto you. “And be prepared because I’ve got a special dinner waiting for you when we get home.”

You snort and scrunch your nose. “Dinner? It’s 10 o’clock.”

“Then, it’s a midnight snack,” Sam tells you sassily.

“It’s not midnight, either.”

“Humor me.”

You sigh. “Fine, it’s a late dinner snack.”

“Alright, then,” Sam concedes. “Let’s go.”

Nurse van Wieren hands you your crutches as you and Sam leave the medbay. You smile and thank him before he walks away.

Sam’s words finally hit you as you get into the hallway. “Wait, waiting for me? How did you know I was coming home today?” you question, grabbing your boyfriend’s attention. You watch as Sam’s face begins to flush. You squeal. “Oh my god! Did you make SHIELD tell you where I was?”

Sam doesn’t respond for a few seconds before, “...Maybe.”

“Aw,” you coo, causing Sam to scoff.

“Yeah, don’t let it go to your ego, L/n.”

“No, but you have to tell me,” you tell him, stepping into the elevator before Sam does. You stand side by side, staring at each other with matching grins on your faces. “Is this special treatment reserved for me alone… or do you keep tabs on Steve and Nat, too?” as you expected, Sam doesn’t answer and you can’t hide your laugh. “That’s sweet,” you praise. “I might just have to tell Steve and Nat about it.”

“Don’t you dare!” Sam warns, though the smile on his face doesn’t disappear.

“I won’t, I won’t,” you agree without a second thought. “I know Steve would be indignant for about a week and who knows what the hell Nat would do to you,” you and Sam share a laugh, Sam’s gaze falling to the floor while you continue to stare at him because god, you love that deep, breathy laugh he does. You feel like you’re a goddamn king everytime you manage to get even a single giggle out of your boyfriend.

“Hey,” you say, grabbing Sam’s attention. He turns to you, looking extra adorable with his hands in his pockets and that tooth rotting smile on his face. “I think I might take you up on that offer to kiss me better.”

This causes Sam to hum smugly, his grin growing bigger and even more sugary. “Really?” Sam says slowly while he places his hands on your arms, rubbing up and down tenderly. He’s obviously being careful of your wounds. Noticing this single detail about Sam and how he is around you, you’re struck with how much you love this man standing in front of you.

Sam places a chaste kiss right over your bandaid before he rests his chin on your shoulder. “I love you,” he whispers against your skin. You feel your heart grow warm at his words.

“I love you, too,” you breath. “Now, let’s go home so you can kiss me better. And before dinner gets cold.”

(NOT MY GIF)

Main Blog // Other Side Blog

((NO ONE HAS MY PERMISSION TO REPOST MY WORK ANYWHERE EVEN WITH CREDIT))

[starryknightace]

I had Top Surgery! (Post Op 1 1/2 Weeks pics)

[[MORE]]

Suprise! I had top surgery almost 2 weeks ago. It was a bit of a process to get to that point and i was literally counting down the hours til i went under. I kept joking to people i was most excited about my "induced 4 hour nap" more than anything. I got to my day surgery clinic early in the morning, to which i got changed into scrubs, was told to wait under a blanket to keep my body warm, and met with the nurse, anesthetist and my surgeon for pre op discussions. Then i was escorted into the operation theatre where i hopped on the table, got nice and comfy with blankets, tubes, oxygen mask annnnddd.... woke up 4 hours later forgetting i had surgery 🤣

I did this in my last surgery (which in comparission was more terrifying cause i had blood in my mouth and couldnt remember what happened to me), but i woke up and couldn't work out where i was, why i felt so dizzy and how i got clothed 🤣 i spent about 2 hours in the recovery room sat in a recliner chair dozing off, except to eat (cause i had been fasting prior) and drink. I did try to pee but couldn't which was frustrating 😅 then i was taken home, where i promptly went to sleep lol

I had my drains in for 72 hours and they were the worst part of recovery. I carried bottles in a pillow case and they had be be positioned lower than my chest at all times. Luckily i wasn't able to move much and while i was on strong pain medication i mainly slept. I had my mum stay with me for a week and i'm thankful she did cause she really saved my butt by doing everything for me (i really had to let go of my control which was weirdly hard, i just felt bad making her do things for me but she was happy to). The drains were uncomfortable and by the morning there were to be taken out i was really hurting where they were inserted. After they were taken out it was a blessing and recovery got A LOT easier. I had shallow baths every few days and my mum helped me was my hair. I had baby wipes for my armpits and chest area which again saved me from being stinky. I still mainly slept, or watched tv shows with my mum up until she left. She prepped me a LOT of meals before she left so i wouldn't have to cook.

Sleeping on my back was probably the most uncomfortable part (after the drains), because i'm a stomach sleeper. I have been managing to sleep though which has been nice (and Maple has been good, sleeping beside me all through the night!). I've been sleeping elevated to help with swelling. I actually got told off by my nurse while doing my week post op check up cause i was still doing too much. I went to Uni for a 6 hour workshop that day too and went to a costume showcase that night. Safe to safe i was exhausted the next day and didnt do much but sleep.

So i'm still quite swollen and bruised 1 1/2 weeks in, which will eventually settle down. my nipples seem to be taking well so crossing fingers the blood returns. I was worried about puckering but being able to closely examine my chest it's due to the swelling at the moment so hopefully that goes down too.

All in all i can't stop smiling at my chest - i finally feel like myself 😁

Some tips for those looking to have Top Surgery based on my experience:

MEDICINE

I have a high pain threshold - i was willing to go to uni a week post op because i could stand to - would recommend people booking off at LEAST 3 weeks prior to work/study if you can help it. I have only one class per week at the moment and its only theory so thats why i was able to travel and even then i was taken pain killers ever 4 hours.

In my mother's words "don't be a hero, if you need to take pain relief, do it". Best advice. I've weened myself off pain killers to 2 just before bed (panadine forte), or before i need to go out and do things (genral paracetamol). If you need to take more just do it - also write down when you've taken things (because its good to know how much you've had per day!) You can take iburofen and paracetamol intermittedly in 4 hour intervals (eg. Iburofen at 12pm, paracetamol at 2pm, another dose of iburofen at 4pm, etc).

You'll also be taking antibiotics - generally 3 times a day with meals. I also took probiotics 2 hours after taking my antibiotics to avoid the sideaffects of them (eg. Mouth Ulcers (which i did get dang it), thrush, etc).

I was also taking strong pain killers (for the first few days i took 2 every 4 hours then weened down to one per night). Be careful with strong pain killers - the thing doctors/people don't tend to mention is that they can be addictive/dependent drugs. Sometimes you would prefer to keep taking them and that can be an issue. I asked my surgeon at my 1 week if i could please get one more script of something a little stronger than paracetamol to take a night and it took a bit more of a discussion to get it. If you can try to get by on the paracetamol alone do so and remember you can alternate with iburofen every two hours.

WEIRD BOWELS

With all these medications you'll more than likely get constipated so adding to the list of medications i also took good ol' laxatives. The first poop after surgery was like 3 days later and it hurt 😅 the laxatives helped me after to soften my stools (cheat mode is when you're lactose intolerent and you eat a bunch of cheesecake whoops 😅). Also peeing was weird for the first week due to the anesthestics in me. It took me ages to pee, sometimes i had the feeling of needing to pee but nothing happened, and i was peeing like, every hour.

SUPPORT

Both in furniture sense and people sense.

My mum was my main support especially in the first week. She looked after me, my house and my cat. She grabbed things i couldn't access, drove me to my appointments, managed my medicine, cooked me food and generally just helped me around the place. Originally i only wanted her there for a few days but im glad she was there cause i was sore and out of it most of the time. Alongside her my two best friends were also a massive help - coming over to keep me company, drive me places, help me do my grocery shopping, tell me off for overdoing it, gave me plenty of entertainment (thanks to katie i finished wind waker!). Get yourself some support and let go of that control, you will honestly be too tired and sore to do anything anyway.

Make sure you get yourself some comfy pillows. I got myself a U shaped pillow and it has so far saved my neck so much pain. I sleep elevated which means more pillows to prop myself up. And pillows for my couch.

WASHING

So for the first 72 hours i was just a gross gremlin with dry shampoo because of the drains. My chest was covered in bandages so i couldn't wash that area anyway. After the drains were removed i was told i could have showers, but i opted for shallow bathes anyway. I was able to wash myself fine (just go slow), then i would put pants on and get my mum to help wash my hair. After my 1 week check up i started having showers, but stood out of the stream. I only have tape to cover my stitches now (i took them off for the photo) so am able to carefully wash parts of my chest and back i couldnt get to before. I can now wash my hair (slowly). Raising my arms is still not easily fesable but i can lift them to a certain point.

EMOTIONAL

Now, i wasn't as emotional as i thought i was going to be but i do know other trans guys who said they went through bouts of depression after their surgery. Its something to look out for. For me, it was emotionally draining to talk to people about it constantly. I didn't mind though and it was nice people checked up on me but it did wear me out. Its always good though to check in with your emotional state throughout to see how youre feeling. It's not an inmediate grattification, the swelling and bruising is a lot and it won't look right for a while. Also leading up to surgery people can feel fearful and doubtful, always chat to a loved one about your feelings! Personally i had no nerves leading up to surgery but afterwards i was constantly worried that i wasn't healing right. Talking to your surgeon will HELP trust me!

SCARRING

Ok this was a big shock to me so i hope this helps other people but scar medication/ointments don't actually work. I asked my surgeon about it and as a skin professional who has been studying the effects of scarring for over 40 years - this is a beauty scam you don't need to bite into.

"Time and your genetic biology are the only ways that help your scars heal, sorry to burst your bubble but save your money on that placebo".

Looking after yourself the first few months post op will help you get good results later.

Of course i understand if people will still want to buy scarring products but thought i would post the words of a professional too 😅 don't shoot the messenger on this one. And if you do decide to use the stuff then wait 6 months before doing so.

I think that's all i can think of at the moment. There's a really good private facebook group for top surgery and i got a lot of my info from there. If people are curious feel free to DM me, send me an inbox and i'd be happy to chat as best i can! My experience is based in Australia so people might have different expectations/experiences in different countries!

🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈💛💛💛🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈

[moraldyad]

ok ok inevitably i am going to like , address the frank wildhorn j&h musical because oh man do i have some Opinions

the first of which is , much like alw writing a part Specifically for your spouse is ... honestly unfair to future performers im ngl like ... hm that always ... gets me ... anywya uh

there is a j&h bingo out there for the musical because of the many adaptations , i have seen a community theater production of it , & the actors were phenomenal , truly , but i ... ok , i have my literary roots . i have choice words for almost every adaptation of j&h . 

one of the things that i agree was like Not there in the novel was Female Characters . not necessarily needed as love interests , but just hm the whole book is a cast of male characters ... & it wasn’t that a compelling story can’t have a female character ( ref . frankenstein , poto , tcomc , dracula , dorian gray ) — in fact , it isn’t that the women of those stories take away from anything , in my opinion they quite add to it . nothing is wrong with a few gossiping ladies , or women who have encountered hyde , or women who have seen jekyll because he’s a doctor . or the maids ??? don’t make poole do all of that on his own . 

so i’m not against the addition of female characters , i’m quite for it . i’d also like to point out that there’s nothing wrong with a love interest either . again , reference literally everything i JUST MENTIONED . victor has elizabeth ( cousins , makes me hhhhmm but still she is there & important to him ) , raoul has christine ( & then there’s also meg , mme giry , & if you count susan kay’s phantom , erik has luciana ... for a while haha ) . dantes has mercedes ... until he gets tossed in the chateau d’if , later he has haydee as a support idk what to think there . dorian has sybil even if that fails bc yike . good god dracula has 3 brides , there’s mina & lucy . women actually can help a story @ rls im just saying my man ... so i don’t have an issue with emma ( or lisa but i liked emma as her name better lol ) , i don’t have a problem with lucy harris , because female characters are GOOD . 

hell , it’s not bad that emma is henry’s fiancee , victor frankenstein has one of those too ! it’s not bad that lucy is someone who interests hyde , because rls even directly said that there’s nothing wrong with sex ( it is not the point of hyde to be ‘ mere voluptuary ’ although he says there is also nothing wrong with that [sex] ) . 

what i do have issues with is like ... ok guys henry wasn’t trying to ??? separate good from evil necessarily , as he was trying to get away with shit . while by all logic he could be initially stated to be a neutral good - borderline true neutral ( which is what i’ve settled on ) as the drive to practice medicine & law ... as someone studying health science i can’t see that ( being a doctor ) as something that can bring success if a person has no compassion for the patients . but jekyll is not a pure baby angel . he’s a disaster . he’s even hinted at having a promiscuous youth , hyde is rumored perhaps to be ‘ the ghost of some old sin ’ (?) . so that’s that . i think where every other adaptation seems to just fucking miss is in the base nature of jekyll , like did we all read the source material ??? similarly , hyde is not an Alternate Personality . rls says that in a letter as well ? so i guess my main issue is just they didn’t read the same source material on jekyll’s character haha also some of the music gets me the only good songs are like ... confrontation & alive the latter which uh doesn’t have to be looped over & over at curtain call , guys 

thanks for coming to my tedtalk

[lovemesomesurveys]

Well, how’s your view of things today? It’s only 2 in the morning. Too soon to tell. Robert Downey Jr. — Bet you have a crush on him. No, but I love him as Tony Stark/Iron Man. How do you like your jeans? Dark wash skinny jeans. Do you watch Skins? No, I’ve never seen it. Know any Gleeks? (yourself included) A what?

Can you name all the contents of your purse/bag? Currently, just my wallet, some straws (I use a straw with every drink, so I like to keep some on me), hand sanitizer, and a travel size hair brush. When I go somewhere, I throw in my phone and medicine. Do you know what Bosco Sticks are? Not familiar with those, not even after Googling them. How do you feel about Jesse Eisenberg? I don’t feel any way about him. Do you like your hoodies tight, or a lil’ oversized? I used to like form fitting hoodies, but now I like them a size bigger. That’s how I wear all my shirts, sweatshirts, and jackets. Have you ever been sailing?  Nope. Do you have any jewelry/accessories with owls (an owl..?) on it? Or is that a hipster thing? Nope.  If you went on American Idol, do you think you’d go through to Hollywood? I'd never try out in the first place. I can’t sing and I know that.  What’s the closest thing to you that’s red? My hair. Have you ever been fishing? Once. I found it very boring. What’s in the background of your default pic? I’m at a restaurant in Disneyland. Have you ever heard of the movie ‘Frozen’? Of course. Kind of hard not to after that “Let it Go” song blew up. I never got into that movie, though. What would you do if you were to get stuck on a ski lift overnight? Omg. That would be horrible. What’s your favorite Bath & Body Works scent? Currently, I have Into the Night. It has patchouli in it, which I love. Have you ever received an anonymous gift? No. What kind of laugh do you have? An ugly one. I don’t think I have a cute or contagious kind of laugh. Will you have a Valentine this year? I didn’t. I’ve never had one, actually. *shrug* Do you plan on seeing The Black Swan? I saw it in theaters a couple times and several times after. I like that movie, it’s so trippy. There’s a couple scenes that always get me. Do you keep a scrapbook? Nope. Do you hoard anything? I have a really hard time getting rid of things like clothes and other things for sentimental reasons. Like because of the memory attached to it. I have a lot of stuff stored away that I haven’t used in years and likely never will ever again, but I just can’t get rid of them. I’ve gotten better in terms of like I don’t have a bunch of old school stuff anymore. I used to keep everything--notebooks, tests, homework assignments, and essays. I also don’t keep receipts like I used to. Are you afraid of flying? So, I flew for the first time in over 10 years a couple weeks ago and I was really nervous about it beforehand but it wasn’t bad at all, honestly. I was fine, which totally shocked me. Do you know any Star Wars freaks? My mom, brother, and I LOVE Star Wars. We totally geeked out at the Star Wars land in Disneyland. The rides were awesome, especially the new one. So, what about all them birds just dropping out of the sky? I remember one year where that was happening a LOT in some other state. It was so creepy. At what age do you become ‘old’? I feel old now and have for the past few years. Most recent Facebook ‘like’? I don’t feel like checking. Would you rather go to Disney World, or Pleasure Island? I’d loveee to go to Disney World. I’ve never heard of Pleasure Island. What song would you like to hear on the radio? I haven’t listened to the radio in years. We play Spotify in the car. Macaroon or a cupcake? Mmm, I like both.  Have you ever camped out somewhere for an event the next day? No. What is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life? Lol my life isn’t “wild” that’s for sure. I’m a homebody who’s doing nothing with with their life. Love that for me... Do you do anything regularly that could damage your body? Yes. What do you love most in the world? My family. Who will you be with Saturday night? My family. What woke you up this morning? I have my alarm set for 830AM cause I have a doctor appointment. D: Did you kiss or hug anyone today? No. Not so far, anyway. Who was the last person you rode in a car with? My mom. How many myspace accounts do you have? I never deleted my account, so I assume it still exists out there. What was your first thought this morning? I haven’t gone to bed, yet, but I know I’m not going to be happy when that alarm clock goes off.  Where would you like to live? I’m not sure. Do long distance relationships work? They can. It happens. What do you want to be when you grow up? I’m 30 and still have no idea. Where do you see yourself in 5 years? I gotta take it day by day. Who do you wish you were with right now? No one right now. If you had one whole day to yourself, what would you do? I have a lot of days like that. I just watch TV, YouTube, Tumblr, check social media, and chill.  Is anything bothering you? Yes. Do you miss someone? Always. What do you want to do right now? I’m doing what I want to do right now--surveys and listening to ASMR. Are you listening to music right now? Nope. I’m watching/listening to an ASMR video. Are you in a good mood? Blah. What are you doing this weekend? I don’t have any plans. When were you the saddest in your life? These past few years have definitely been my lowest point. And I thought other times were bad, but this has been ongoing for the past 5 years. Do you own more than one cell phone? No. Have you ever had a song written about you? Nope. Have you ever sang in public? Not solo, but when I was in chorus. What songs make you happy?  Upbeat, catchy songs me wanna dance. What do you like to listen to before you go to bed? ASMR. Do you have a job? Nope. What does your ipod have in it right now? I haven’t used my iPod since 2012. Have you ever loved someone and were too scared to tell them? Yes. It took every ounce of courage I could muster up to tell them exactly how I felt and laid everything out on the table. Being rejected after that reallyyy hurt. Next concert? I don’t have any plans to attend one as of now. It’s been 11 years since my last concert! When is the next time you will take a shower/bath? Which one will you take?  I’ll have a shower tonight. Are you currently waiting on someone to do something for you/to you? No. As a child, did you ever get the chance to go to Disney World/Disneyland? Disneyland a few times.  Are you someone who is really committed to politics in your area/country? No. I used to pay more attention to that and be more involved, but these past few years... yikes. It’s just been very overwhelming and stressful. My brain can’t handle it. When was the last time you fought with your significant other, if any? I’m single. Do you know anyone, personally, who is in an abusive relationship? Are you? No. When was the last time you were on a boat? Where did you travel on it? Several years ago. We had to take it to get across to the island where we were touring an old prison. Are you planning on going anywhere with someone, some time today? Yeah, my brother is taking me to my doctor appointment in the morning.  Does your family ever have any kind of weird traditions in your house? I don’t think we have any “weird” ones. When is the next time you will attend a family reunion? Where will it be? I have no idea. We haven’t had one in years. Do you ever take bubble baths only to relax yourself in some way? Nope. I haven’t taken a bath since I was a kid. I’m a shower gal. Do you have any friends who act like they don’t know you in public? Uh, wow, no. They wouldn’t be friends. Do you like cereal? What would you consider your favorite kind of cereal?  Yeah, the sugary ones like Fruity Pebbles, Cinnamon Toast Crunch, Life, Cap’N Crunch Berries, Frosted Cheerios, Frosted Flakes, Lucky Charms, etc. It’s been a few years since I’ve had any cereal actually, but omg there’s SO many new ones now that I haven’t tried. Do you find your school to be loaded with hot guys or not so much? I’ve been out of school for 5 years. What kind of cell phone do you have? (ex. flip, slider, or traditional.)  I have an iPhone. Do you like riding roller coasters when you go to any amusement park? I went on Big Thunder Mountain Railroad and the Car’s roller coaster at Disneyland, which was a pretty big deal for me. May not seem like anything to real roller coaster lovers, but for me it was something. Gave me just enough speed and thrill. I loved ��em. Are you waiting for someone to get online on an IM program right now? No. Are there any people you don’t like for your significant other/crush to talk to?  I’m single and not crushing. Have you ever forgotten your birthday? Did you soon figure it out? No. Would you beat up anyone at the moment, if you absolutely had the chance?  No.  What color are the curtains in your room if you have any at the moment? Black. What would you consider the best kind of food you, yourself could make? The only thing I cook is ramen, but I love it. Is there anyone you are currently trying to get out of trouble? Why? No. Are you one of those people who don't like children of any kind at all? It’s not that I don’t like them, I just can’t handle them in large doses haha. It gets overwhelming and stressful. And they have way too many damn questions. AND ENERGY omg. I don’t plan on having any of my own. I’m 30, almost 31 one, and the desire just isn’t there. I don’t see that changing. Are you planning on going anywhere today? Where are you going exactly? I just have a doctor appointment. I may get food afterwards, but that’s all I got goin’ on. When was the last time you rode a horse, if you’ve ever ridden one? Never. Are you plotting anything at the moment? No. Do you hate it when people show public displays of affection in your face? I don’t mind a little PDA. I don’t need to see like full on makeout sessions or feeling each other up, though ha. Have you ever wanted your significant other to get rid of a friend? If you have siblings, have they moved out or do they still live with you? He still lives here. Do you ever actually like going to Wal-Mart or is it regularly boring? I like it. Do you know anyone who has or has had any kind of mental illness/disorder?  Yes, including myself. Do you ever go to Blockbuster? How frequently would you say you go?  Blockbuster, wow. Those don’t exist anymore. No video rental store does anymore to my knowledge. I miss the days when I was a kid and couldn’t wait to rent the latest video game. My family and I rented movies a lot, too. Do you ever listen to music so you can actually change your emotion? Yeah, like if I’m getting ready or cleaning I like upbeat, catchy songs. I often listen to music that just fuels my mood, though. Like sad stuff.

[aalt-ctrl-del]

there is a lot of information regarding how to regulate yourself if you suspect you come down with covid-19. But we lack so many facts and factors. Below is a whole rant about how trump is assisting the virus in killing uneducated and frightened people. I don’t really care, because like I said, I’ll jump off a bridge if he tells me not to.

basically the gist, hydroxychloroquine is an anti-inflammatory agent doctors pretty much hate right now. Like bayer, advil, and other anti-flame agents, it can impede the bodies chances of surviving an encounter with the Covid/Coronavirus - because the body is left vulnerable, and unable to keep the virus in check. The only way the body recovers from Covid, is through the successful production of anti-bodies engineered to fight the virus and destroy it in the body. The body runs a fever and endures the inflammation, because there is a problem - inflammation bad. Fever bad. But they are essential for telling the body there is a problem - the fever is the body killing off virus, until the anti-bodies are produced. Without the fever, the body is overrun by the virus, the more virus that is produced, the higher and more dangerous the fever, the longer the fever is set - this leads to brain death. Inflammation leads to damage lungs, which leads to brain death.

Hydroxychloroquine might make you feel okay for a while, but you’re not recovering. The symptoms are being treated, but not the cause. You’re not doing what is supposed to be done, if the body feels fine, then why should it produce the antibodies? We can delve into sudden decline and death. Which is the case for many people who “feel fine” under Covid19, and then go into sudden death. But these matters are very precarious, because hydroxychloroquine can be utilized as a last effort to keep the lungs working, under duress of the viral invasion; 

BUT HYDROXYCHLOROQUINE IS A LAST GO TO FOR THOSE WHO ARE CERTAINLY GOING TO DIE OTHERWISE WITHOUT INTERVENTION.

trump promotes this hydroxychloroquine, which even in the correct form and not the fish tank cleaner, is very-very dangerous. Doctors DO NOT want to utilize hydroxychloroquine, they want to stay away from it if at all possible. But we know trump has stock and business with hydroxychloroquine, why? I dunno. Its a big name he can pronounce, and a few people that were administered it, recovered from Covid 19. BUT the concept of a supposed outcome, given information, does not make it correct.

Example - People are buying toilet paper because there is a shortage. This fact is not correct nor true. The fact is, supplies of toilet paper are limited, and there is a shortage. That is the fact to why there is no toilet paper. And I have information regarding the TP topic, but that’s irrelevant.

Doctors want to administer hydroxychloroquine to patients with Covid, about as much as they want to put people on ventilators. Ventilators are the last ditch effort, you’re chances of survival of Covid is very dire if you go onto a ventilator (or generator, if you’re tump). Likewise, a ventilator will not cure you of covid 19.

trump promotes the worst medical treatment of them all - arguably more detrimental than chlorine or bleach drinking - because he does not understand medicine, science, or facts. Hydroxychloroquine is the ABSOLUTE AND POSITIVELY WORSE MEDICINE TO TAKE IF YOU SUSPECT YOU HAVE COVID 19.

trump is essentially telling everyone to snort advil, or bayer. Hydroxychloroquine is an inflammatory agent, which is why it is prescribed to those with Lupus. We do not want people hyped up on inflammatory agents if they have Covid 19. YOU HAVE A HIGH CHANCE OF MINIMIZING YOUR CHANCE OF RECOVERY. YOU WILL PRIME YOURSELF FOR A FAST PASS FOR DEATH.

The anti-viral agents doctors are administering, are showing effectiveness, because those treatments are designed to kill virus cells, or lessen the impact. At this point we need a vaccine to insure our immunity, but the viral treatments cannot kill the virus because they are not engineered for that specific scalawag. This is why it’s experimental, but the results are promising. Many other factors regarding health and past treatments, age, inherited conditions, will have weight on viral treatments effectiveness - but the viral treatments are what doctors will lean on. That is the go to for assured victory and safe recovery.

BUT AALT!?!?!? HOW PEOPLE RECOVER WITH HYDROXYCHLOROQUINE, THEY NO DYE?!?!?! FACXS CUNFOOSING!!!!

When doctors place a person on a ventilator, it is the last ditched effort to keep that individual alive while the body produces the essential anti-bodies. The only way to survive the virus, is build your immune system to match the naughty infectious boi. The fever is natural. WE ABSOLUTELY DO WANT A TASTY FEVER. But this is dangerous, when the fever exceeds 101 degrees F 38 C, FOR AN EXTENDED PERIOD OF TIME. We want a good fever, we want SOME inflammation - these are essential things the body does to KEEP THE VIRAL NAUGHTIEST IN CHECK SO THEY DON’T KILL A BITCH.  WE ABSOLUTELY MUST HAVE THAT FEVER.

This is the exact reasons why doctors HATE hydroxychloroquine. They won’t use it. BUT BUT AND BUT if the body is overrun by virus, and out of control with fever - if the person has medical issues which go bankrupt with the SUPER FEVER AND INFLAMMATION, then hydroxychloroquine will be administered. Not because it’s a good idea, but because that fever and inflammation is killing the person. The body and person are losing a battle and dying, they go onto the ventilator and maybe hydroxychloroquine to keep them STABLE until THE ESSENTIAL ANTIBODIES ARE PRODUCED.

NO ONE EVER GOES TO THE DOCTOR FOR COVID 19, AND THE DOCTOR GOES “SHOOT THEM FULL OF HYDROXYCHLOROQUINE. THAT’LL NIP IT RIGHT IN THE BUTT” 

Hydroxychloroquine and ventilators are utilized, when the person is going to die. You can’t do worse with these two things, it is essentially the last effort to keep a person living longer. Ventilators and hydroxychloroquine are used to extend the persons life, while the antibodies are produced. I know I keep repeating this, but some of ya’ll don’t look at medicine and it SHOWS. The ventilators don’t cure a person of Covid, hydroxychloroquine won’t cure a person. Not even the viral agents currently used, will cure the person. The difference between the viral agents, like the malaria drug and I think the HIV treatment, is that these cells are killing- THESE ARE THE DRUGS ACTIVELY ENGINEERED FOR VIRAL NAUGHTY BOIS, AND ARE KILLING THE VIRAL COVID. But Covid is not the intended target of the viral agents, thus it has resistance, or recovery to the viral medication - but the viral medication keeps the Covid naughties in check, while the body produces the anti-bodies we really want. Like the fever, and the inflammation - keeping the virus in check until the anti-bodies can go to town, is our jam right now. Fever and Inflammation are devastating if they are not monitored by a medical professional, the body can go overboard when the virus takes hold - but that is why it is super essential not to stop off at hydroxychloroquine vile, until your condition is evaluated.

trump is essentially prescribing a substance to his gullible followers, that will KILL THEM. I mean, fine, I don’t care. Im still planning on jumping off the Bridge. When trump is telling people to take hydroxychloroquine, he’s telling them to take the drug which will weaken the bodies initial capacity for keeping the virus in check - it’s like, giving the virus steroids, or tossing gasoline onto the house fire. Really. Which is why doctors WONT USE HYDROXYCHLOROQUINE, unless as a last effort to keep the body stable. Hydroxychloroquine is for the dying patient, who may not recover, because the body is killing itself in its effort to kill SOME of the virus. But when a person takes hydroxychloroquine prematurely - as a precaution - it’s giving the virus a head start; because that person is treating symptoms, not the cause. But that’s trumps tendency, avoid the problem.

IT WILL KILL YOU IF YOU GET COVID 19. YOU WILL DIE. YOU WON’T HAVE A CHANCE. THERE IS NO DEBATE AND NO DOUBT.

REcap - viral agents doctors are working with kill the virus, so the body will have THE TIME TO MAKE ANTIBODIES WHICH WILL LEAD TO THE PERSON’S RECOVERY. viral agents in effect perform the same function as hydroxychloroquine, but because they are treating the cause - infectious naughty bois - the fever is kept in check. The body does not need to work as hard to kill a virus that is being taken care of, and the antibodies will be issued shortly. Hopefully. 

BUT! trump wants people to take hydroxychloroquine, which will protect the virus, nurture it, keep it safe, and insure it thrives in that person. This is actively aiding the invisible enemy. That is what is going on here. This is why doctors avoid hydroxychloroquine; yes, it can save the person, but initially it will safeguard the virus. This is why they hate it. Or, so I would gather. 

But there are factors you need to understand, if you do run the best fever. Because our information is so limited of Covid, it is hard to gather what sort of fevers and inflammation are acceptable. A fever is good, inflammation is good - you can’t have one without the other, it’s physically impossible. But too much of a good thing is really fucking bad. And people have felt fine with Covid-19, gone to take a nap, and just don’t wake up. This has happened numerous times. But we don’t have all the stories, because the dead can’t talk. You’re body can pitch into decline SO FAST. It has been difficult for people to estimate where they are in the danger territory, because American society is in the “this is Fine” mode. We don’t have reliable healthcare. We don’t go to the doctor when we need to, and that there is killing people too. How can a doctor treat a person effectively, when they don’t know that person’s health state in the first place?

and here we have a delusional, sociopath prescribing the one thing that will insure a virus’ victory. 

I am so sorry Louis and Emily

[lenin-it-to-win-it]

just gonna rant about my health issues to no one in particular for a bit under the cut sooo

im just so fucking tired of being sick all the time like. its been almost 2 years now of actively Going To Doctors And Having Tests Done And Trying To Get A Diagnosis and fucking!!! nothing works!!! and i only have until the end of this coming school year to get it figured out before my insurance runs out otherwise im just fucked!!! because im sure as hell not gonna be able to afford a fucking mri every six months making 10 bucks an hour at some retail shithole but so far ive seen SIX different fucking doctors (not counting 2 ER visits) because they all just keep shuffling me back and forth like “idk maybe have someone else deal with this? weird lol” or like “have you considered that maybe you might have anxiety :) you seem stressed :)” 

like yeah its a fucking stressful situation getting progressively fucking sicker for two goddamn years wasting thousands of dollars and reaching the end of a fucking ticking clock because almost every doctor ive seen is an incompetent jackass who does NOTHING but waste my time and money and then fucking condescend to me about anxiety like!!! yeah i probably DO have anxiety and depression and autism and what the fuck ever else but this isnt THAT 

and the literal ONE TIME i had ANY treatment that worked AT ALL helping with my eye spasms (literally One of Many Symptoms that i deal with on a fucking daily basis that still manages to completely fuck up my life) is something i cant take anymore because it damaged my fucking eyes!!! possibly permanently!!! i already HAD issues wtih light sensitivity that this medicine made WAYYY fucking worse and guess whats one of the WORST things at setting off my eye spasms??? anything to do with fucking light so YEAH thANKS for that @ the opthalmologist who had me take those damn eye drops for two months straight, which other neuro opthalmologist said was bullshit when i saw her again, not that im letting HER off the hook either since she REFERRED me to that incompetent bitch in the first place and then had NO solution other than “hm well you definitely shouldnt take that medicine again, but theres literally No Other Treatment, maybe blow another $400 in a few months to come see me again so i can continue to Not Help You In Any Way”

and its getting wORSE ALL THE TIME!!! and the best thing doctors can think of is “hm well maybe wait a bit to see if it gets worse? and maybe then we’ll know what it is?” well its getting worse!!!! but they still dont seem to know what it is!!! like at first it was just my vision going out of focus for a few seconds at a time, then it was a few minutes, then i was having visual distortion (or maybe hallucinations? who knows! certainly not any of the fucking doctors ive seen!), then awful fucking eye strain headaches, then spasms in my neck, then my jaw, then my arms, then my legs, now all fucking over, and now i get sick and dizzy just by moving my HEAD too far or too suddenly and like at work earlier today i was just stumbling around for two hours bc there was too much pressure in my head and everything felt tilted and i was just grabbing at every surface trying not to fall with my head like on my shoulder bc keeping my neck straight was too fucking hard and i swear to fuckign god a couple nights ago there was this weird buzzing on the side of my face??? and like it felt like my mouth was moving slower than it should??? but i dont even KNOW if thats a Real SymptomTM or if i was just freaked out and tired and imagining things or if i really am just getting to be a paranoid delusional nutcase about my health because every little thing terrifies me at this point, like ive been coughing for a couple weeks and instead of being like “oh its a bad cold” im like “maybe now my immune systems fucked up too maybe this is A New Symptom” i literally cant tell anymore i have no fucking idea 

and i dont WANT to think about all this All The Fucking Time but i do!!!!! i literally HAVE to bc it affects my life in every fucking possible way and i cant escape it like even rn the light from the fuckign computer is hurting my eyes and i cant even see what im typing half the time bc my eyes keep going out of focus and my teeth keep chattering and my head hurts or ill go to get a drink of water but then just Stand there for a few minutes bc i dont trust myself to hold a cup full of water and not spill it bc im having spasms or ill have to wear sunglasses at the dinner table bc my fucking idiot asshole dad got the BRIGHTEST possible lightbulbs for the dining room and i physically cant stand them 

or like im already dreading having to explain all this shit to my professors this semester about how like “oh so i probably wont be able to keep up with daily readings, especialyl not if theyre on physical paper and i cant scale up the text because my eyes just spontaneously stop working and i cant read..... and ill need a computer to take notes, i can Usually hold a pencil but one time i had a spasm in class and flung it across the room and it was super embarrassing and i ltierally skipped that class for weeks because of it so id really rather not deal with that again.... and even though im a fuckign AMAZING public speaker like, state champion debate level public speaking, ill still probably get super fucking nervous and suck at any kind of in class presentation bc ill just be thinking about my spasms the whole time and wont be able to focus....... and ill have to wear sunglasses all the time too so hopefully thats not an issue........ and also ill probably miss a lot of class bc whether or not i can handle walking half a mile Varies Wildly from day to day and also i have a lot of doctors appointments and sometimes im on medicine that completely ruins my sleep schedule so you know... looking forward to a great semester, hope i dont completely fail your class” 

and i have fuckign work tomorrow where ill have to deal with trying to pretend like even the most minor tasks arent painful and difficult and deal with awful btichy entitled customers complaining that im not SMILEY enough for you like the motherfucker who asked me how i was and i said fine and he was like “jUuUUuuuST fINE” like shut the everlasting FUCK UP with that ive met my obligation leave me ALONE my day isnt FINE im in awful pain and i HATE you and everyone like you or ill have to deal with my coworkers giving me weird looks while im having spasms or outright MOCKING me for them like the asshole that called me TWITCH (and a whore, but thats Another Fucking Story) or just not knowing how to deal and making bad taste jokes like when my teeth are chattering bc I Physically Cant Make It Stop like “haha are you chewing an invisible piece of gum lol” like no bitch im a neurological nightmare and my brain doesnt work and im Barely Holding Together would you PLEASE shut the fuck up 

and most of the time i just feel like everyone thinks im a fucking freak like even just sitting in the waiting room to see the neurologist or opthalmologist or whatever and everyone else there is Old and im the only person even remotely close to my age there and even the doctors dont seem to take me that seriously bc of it like “oh shes young, cant be that bad, all these old people out here are gonna die like tomorrow so why worry about this girl, its probably just anxiety from being on her period or having a test to study for lol” like straight up when the movement disorder neurologist was examining me she was like “im not used to seeing anyone this young or healthy’ and i know she meant it relatively speaking but like!!! clearly im NOT healthy or i wouldnt BE here like obviously something is wrong with me and its ruining my life and its serious and id like it fixed thanks!!!!! 

and i feel like No One Gets It like, obviously there are people wayyyy sicker than i am who suffer a lot more or people in similar situations but like. i dont Personally Know someone like that i can just talk to and like, of course i have friends who can Listen but.................................. theres a difference from being able to listen and being able to actually Understand and sometimes you just cant Get It unless youve gone through it like i really dont think ANYONE in my life has any idea how serious this is or how much it affects me and i know i cant expect everyone to just Always Think Of My IssuesTM but little things!!! like maybe NOT having the brighest possible lightbulbs in the dining room!!!! my brother NOT having his birthday party at dave and busters, which i had TONS of spasms at last time i went (and im even worse now!) AND the staff gave me shit about wearing sunglasses so now im nervous about That too or just! idk! people respecting and listening to me when i tell them that i Cant Do Something or that Doing That Thing Hurts and not just brushing me off or telling me im overreacting and then getting all shocked pikachu face when their dumbassery actually physically HURTS me and i get pissed with them for it!!!!

i dont think anyone gets how much it scares me all the time or how its Always on my mind and i literally cant think about anything else like. this could be the rest of my life. this could end my life. i dont know what i have. i might get diagnosed in the next month and have it completely cured, i might get a diagnosis and still be sick forever, i might not find out until its too late and i have LITERALLY NO FUCKING IDEA WHICH ONE!!!! ITS GREAT!!!!!!!! WELCOME TO MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!

[sevensfantasia]

little update from me re: getting some mental help 

mentions of depression, so more after the cut 

my older sister called and told my parents about it. i was so scared because my dad wasn’t very open minded when my younger sister got diagnosed with BPD. 

my mom basically told me that she was happy that i finally realized that i needed help and that i reached out for help. she’s going to help me find a program either through the clinic or the state or something so i can see a mental health doctor. im planning on going and seeing a regular doctor this week about being put back on my blood medicine. i realize that the medicine was saving me and i shouldn’t have gone off it even if i was super depressed and wanted to die. she is going to help me finish my paperwork for the state to hopefully be placed on a medical program to help pay for doctor visits and for visits. i may under the max for 1 person so i’m really hopeful we can get accepted. it’s kinda a mess rn because of everyone losing their jobs and virus nonsense. my dad was even somewhat open-minded. it’s weird seeing him be so nice to me. he was telling me about some storm programs that are going to be on tv this week because i was watching a storm chaser today when he came downstairs to do laundry. i think he realized that you can’t be a dick. stuff like the stuff i’m going through is deep and you need to be there for the person suffering, ya know? idk what i’m even saying at this point. 

once we can get me on a program and medicine, i plan to hopefully be able to see someone about my mental health and placed on something to help make these bad feelings go away. i’m super positive about it. 

i go back to work sunday and i’m not looking forward to it. i want my eval day to come so i can tell them that i’m stretched too thin. i don’t mind helping where they need me, but i’m stretched way too thin and it’s making me sick mentally and physically. plus my immune system is shot because of the brain hemorrhage. i hope this virus stuff ends soon because i want to start looking for a new job. i’ve been at this current one for almost 9 years which is crazy, so you think a job would look at that as a positive, even if I was on leave for 6 months because i almost died, but heh. every job i’ve applied for i either bomb the interview or i dont even hear back. it’s disheartening. 

i had a really long vc last night with @golden-star-kota and we were talking about the jonathan thing. i feel like the mess with him is likely why these bad feelings are so strong again. that and the brain thing, but ya know. i haven’t had bad feeling like this in such a long time. i felt like i was over him and over the mess, but i guess not. i hope once i see a mental health doctor that we can talk about the whole mess and we can work on ways that i can get over it. i cried a lot when we were talking about it and how bad my feelings have been. i hope i never meet another man like him. i don’t want to use the name he’s famous for, but alas. i have decided that i hate everyone from that server that i thought was my friend. i hate everyone who egged me on knowing full well that nothing would come of it. plus i think jon’s friend is way cuter now lmfao but he said he doesn’t want to date, so more power to him. i don’t feel like i’m ready for anything like that either tbh. the thing with jon was so bad that it threw me into a questioning stage of i was thinking i was ace or aro. i still think about it a lot, but not as much. i have other things to worry about at this point. emmi was right when she wrote on her twitter that a little bit of money and everyone gets coldhearted. my sister wants to know about the jon thing and idk if im ready to tell her about it. im scared that ill be judged when i know im not going to be judged.  

anyway, i need to get some sleep before work later today so goodnight everyone 

[angelasmachine]

I was about to get a tattoo that says I have CoVid19 since FEAR works so well, I could just make everyone move out of my way w/no effort. Point PROVES the whole thing a (IM GROWLING) Govt SCAM. Now they know how easy it is the control citizens. Maybe this can be Treatment for people who caught the F - Virus (FEAR VIRUS). Politics only bc it's on my doorstep with the govt induced repression. Anyone who knows me knows I can't stand politicians. The only politicians I ever speak of - are the DEAD ONES on green paper, all others aren't worthy of conversation. Proves the point that it was a fucking scam. The original models said 250,000 dead with social distancing, quarantine and all the other things we have done. That has been downgraded five times and is now down to 60,000. Less than a bad flu season. Mind you it is definitely a deadly virus, I'm not arguing that I'm arguing our draconian approach that crippled our economy and destroyed people's lives. Not to mention the fact that we are going to have smoldering cases all year that will probably ramp up again next winter. Too many people running around without the antibodies. I graduated medical school - I can understand footage out there - those who haven't cant understand footage at all and have no idea if it accurate or not. Just know that sometimes the truth hurts but you should get over it or spend 15 yrs becoming a doctor (that would hurt far more). Link-- https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/2020/04/08/leading-model-now-estimates-tens-thousands-fewer-covid-19-deaths-by-summer/?fbclid=IwAR3pXxk926x224H2zui4pu794ZsuVDLCapurQ_6_cPISM7qrwZu0WWuVPi8 . . #covid19news #covid19update #helpothers #coronavirusnews #cvc #who #health #medicine #medicalstudent #medicaldoctors #nurses #goodnews (at United States of America) https://www.instagram.com/p/B-zWkw5JrKW/?igshid=ovktdth6l4e1

[awkward-whiteboy]

1-200

200 Questions to Ask Me!

200: My crush’s name is:  ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) 199: I was born in: Michigan198: I am really: Depressed, bored, hungry, lonely197: My cellphone company is: Verizon196: My eye color is: Brown/ugly195: My shoe size is: 11194: My ring size is:8.5193: My height is: 6″3192: I am allergic to: Medicine, tree dust191: My 1st car was: The piece of shitmobile190: My 1st job was: Illegal  ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) 189: Last book you read: How to Think About Weird Things Critical Thinking for a New Age. (Yes it’s a college textbook, but if you love debating with people on the internet [ though this is pointless] this book is a must read).188: My bed is: a college loft that I fear is going to fall any second. 187: My pet: Pet no, mascot my HARAMBE FLAG! 186: My best friend: @rinkatai @aesthetichalestorm @bookerdewiit 185: My favorite shampoo is: Whatever I have in the shower when I’m showering184: Xbox or ps3: either, but Mario Kart trumps them all183: Piggy banks are: cool if they aren’t the break ones182: In my pockets: wallet, room keys, a “Thanks asshole” note someone graciously wrote me 181: On my calendar: Peoples birthdays, and predictions for stupids shit. (5 for 6 on them being right)180: Marriage is: dumb, combining debt together over a stupid ceremony. Why not just say fuck it and save the money for a sweet house and lots of animals179: Spongebob can: keep coming out. I love that show. If given the time, I could probably quote almost all the episodes178: My mom: is my mom177: The last three songs I bought were? People buy songs? I can name albums: Reaching into infinity, Begining of the End, One More Light176: Last YouTube video watched: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jsx0d3p4SMQ

175: How many cousins do you have? That I talk to, 3,4. total like 22+

174: Do you have any siblings? Youngest of 5

173: Are your parents divorced? No

172: Are you taller than your mom? Yes

171: Do you play an instrument? Guitar and Trombone

170: What did you do yesterday? Stayed up til 5 am playing Garrys Mod

[ I Believe In ]

169: Love at first sight: Sort of, doesnt work out though

168: Luck: Luck is an undeclared claim.

167: Fate: Nope

166: Yourself: Never. I always fail

165: Aliens: Hard to say, 

164: Heaven: No

163: Hell: I am a living hell

162: God: not a god, but a something

161: Horoscopes: Nope

160: Soul mates: Yes

159: Ghosts: No

158: Gay Marriage: Marriage is Marriage, IMO calling it Gay marriage is trying to make it different than regular marriage.

157: War: Yes

156: Orbs: YEs

155: Magic: No

[ This or That ]

154: Hugs or Kisses: Hugs

153: Drunk or High: Both.  ( ͡°( ͡° ͜ʖ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)ʖ ͡°) ͡°)

152: Phone or Online: Phone

151: Red heads or Black haired: Red Heads, but thats just from my experience

150: Blondes or Brunettes: Brunettes

149: Hot or cold: Mild

148: Summer or winter: Winter

147: Autumn or Spring: Spring

146: Chocolate or vanilla: Vanilla

145: Night or Day: Night

144: Oranges or Apples: Apple

143: Curly or Straight hair: Curly

142: McDonalds or Burger King: BK

141: White Chocolate or Milk Chocolate: White Chocolate

140: Mac or PC: PC

139: Flip flops or high heals: Flippers

138: Ugly and rich OR sweet and poor: Sweet and Poor

137: Coke or Pepsi: Don’t care, just gots to be diet

136: Hillary or Obama: Norm is my OTP  ( ͡°( ͡° ͜ʖ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)ʖ ͡°) ͡°)

135: Burried or cremated: Cremated, that way I’ll still be around people when im dead because no one would come willing if I was buried

134: Singing or Dancing: My singing is 1 of a kind

133: Coach or Chanel: Chanel because meme

132: Kat McPhee or Taylor Hicks: Kat McPhee, only because I don’t know any of them and Hick is a bad name with my life.

131: Small town or Big city: Both

130: Wal-Mart or Target: Target

129: Ben Stiller or Adam Sandler: Ben Stiller

128: Manicure or Pedicure: Pedi

127: East Coast or West Coast: Weast Coast  ( ͡°( ͡° ͜ʖ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)ʖ ͡°) ͡°)

126: Your Birthday or Christmas: Birthday, people notice me :)

125: Chocolate or Flowers: Flowers

124: Disney or Six Flags: Datknee… Disney

123: Yankees or Red Sox: Neither

[ Here’s What I Think About ]

122: War: Pointless, but happens, Realistically, will never end.

121: George Bush: All politics have goods and bads, we’ve had better, but we also had far worse.

120: Gay Marriage: Always said

119: The presidential election: Popular vote and the current way are both fraud by the way America is. A completely new system is needed.

118: Abortion: Not a women so my opinion is not valid or needed. Honestly I hate kids. so Pro

117: MySpace: Last i checked (like a year ago,) its pretty much a Soundcloud.

116: Reality TV: Stupid

115: Parents: Do what they do. Different generation so their ways of parenting are theirs.

114: Back stabbers: Too many in my life… DAMN… MAYBE THIS IS WHY I AM FUCKED UP.

113: Ebay: I spend too much money on it

112: Facebook: Fuck the Zuck

111: Work: Never had a legal job

110: My Neighbors: Can go shove a knife up their asses 

109: Gas Prices: Better than the past

108: Designer Clothes: I’m making a separate post about this.. I might be in a bit of trouble with my college over this.

107: College: I don’t fit in anywhere. only friends I have I went to High school with. 

106: Sports: Really wish I played football in High school. I know I wouldn’t play at my school, but a smaller one I would.

105: My family: Family is family

104: The future: WIll not be brighter. 

[ Last time I ]

103: Hugged someone: Too long ago

102: Last time you ate: yesterday (2:00pm 12/13/2017)

101: Saw someone I haven’t seen in awhile: Emotional abuser has a drug dealer that lives in my colleges town. Saw her :/ cried for hours.

100: Cried in front of someone: Summer 2017

99: Went to a movie theater: whenever IT came out. Got in trouble with my colelge cause of roommates

98: Took a vacation: too long ago

97: Swam in a pool: summer 2017

96: Changed a diaper: never

95: Got my nails done: never

94: Went to a wedding: Spring 2017

93: Broke a bone: with a doctor knowing never, but like 6 years ago

92: Got a piercing: None

91: Broke the law:  ( ͡°( ͡° ͜ʖ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)ʖ ͡°) ͡°)

90: Texted: I stubbed my nose on the elevator

[ MISC ]

89: Who makes you laugh the most: Doc

88: Something I will really miss when I leave home is: Nothing

87: The last movie I saw: Cure For Wellness

86: The thing that I’m looking forward to the most: Going home so I wont be alone with my depressing thoughts and questionable music

85: The thing im not looking forward to: going to the meeting

84: People call me: Davie Crocket Davy Divad Garbage, fucker loser, pretty much every name in the book

83: The most difficult thing to do is: pretend to be normal

82: I have gotten a speeding ticket: Talked the cop out of it with my mindfucking bullshittery

81: My zodiac sign is: Scorpio

80: The first person i talked to today was:

@rinkatai

79: First time you had a crush: 9th Grade

78: The one person who i can’t hide things from: Rink

77: Last time someone said something you were thinking: Last week

76: Right now I am talking to: Myself 

75: What are you going to do when you grow up: Good question  ( ͡°( ͡° ͜ʖ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)ʖ ͡°) ͡°)  

74: I have/will get a job: No, I cant do interviews I alwasy fuck them up or never get called back

73: Tomorrow: hopefully do something better

72: Today: Watched 9 hours of netflixs

71: Next Summer: Too far to determain

70: Next Weekend: Too far to determain

69: I have these pets: None

68: The worst sound in the world: College kids screaming because finals when they are just being cliche

67: The person that makes me cry the most is: myself

66: People that make you happy: Happy? whats that

65: Last time I cried: Today

64: My friends are: Rin Doc 

63: My computer is: Fucked up because everything I own always gets fucked up

62: My School: College sucks, High School : IN A LOT OF HOT WATER

61: My Car: is a piece of shit

60: I lose all respect for people who: treat me bad… damn thats like 95% of the people I see

59: The movie I cried at was: The Producer

58: Your hair color is: Ugly Brown

57: TV shows you watch: The OFfice

56: Favorite web site: Higher or Lower Youtube

55: Your dream vacation: Somewhere with the right person

54: The worst pain I was ever in was: The emotion and things I live with everyday.

53: How do you like your steak cooked: However it is cooked

52: My room is: MY STUFF IS CLEAN roommate 1 is not

51: My favorite celebrity is: Too many to name

50: Where would you like to be: A better state of mind

49: Do you want children: NO

48: Ever been in love: Sadly

47: Who’s your best friend: Rin Doc

46: More guy friends or girl friends: Girl Friends

45: One thing that makes you feel great is: Dark humor

44: One person that you wish you could see right now: :’(

43: Do you have a 5 year plan: I only plan 5 minutes in advance

42: Have you made a list of things to do before you die: No, honestly asking 10th grade me, i only planned up till graduation

41: Have you pre-named your children: NO KIDS

40: Last person I got mad at:  ( ͡°( ͡° ͜ʖ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)ʖ ͡°) ͡°)

39: I would like to move to: Sanity land

38: I wish I was a professional: Musician

[ My Favorites ]

37: Candy: Sour Skittles or Mega Sours

36: Vehicle: Piece of Shit Mobile

35: President: Suliman with the Onion hat

34: State visited: Iowa. 

33: Cellphone provider: Verizon

32: Athlete: Cardale Jones

31: Actor: Bill Mother Fucking Murry

30: Actress: Emma Watson

29: Singer: Davey Jones, Davey Havok, Chester, and many more

28: Band: Too many, but I will say I’ve personally met one of them

27: Clothing store: cheap ones

26: Grocery store: cheap ones

25: TV show: Office, Simpsons South Park TWD

24: Movie: Cure For Wellness Clockwork Orange, Cant remember the name, but the original hunger games… the japanese one

23: Website: youtube

22: Animal: panda pugs

21: Theme park: cedar point

20: Holiday: leif erikson day

19: Sport to watch: hockey

18: Sport to play: football

17: Magazine:  ( ͡°( ͡° ͜ʖ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)ʖ ͡°) ͡°)

16: Book: Too many

15: Day of the week: Monday. Because I play a game of what sucks more… I win a lot

14: Beach: na

13: Concert attended: Alice Cooper 3x, Deep Purple, Stone Sour, Skillet, Motley Crue 2x, FFDP, Wayland, Valraven, Alterbridge, Iron Maiden, going to see Judas Priest with someone in April

12: Thing to cook: Pasta and muffins

11: Food: ^

10: Restaurant: places with spicy chicken nuggets rice pudding and chicken noodle soup

9: Radio station: 101 WRIF Q106

8: Yankee candle scent: N/A

7: Perfume: N/A

6: Flower: Idk Roses or Marigolds

5: Color: Black orange green

4: Talk show host:  ( ͡°( ͡° ͜ʖ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)ʖ ͡°) ͡°)

3: Comedian: A lot

2: Dog breed: PUG

1: did you answer all these truthfully? Like 4 are not :/

[lizzyfish225]

Gaster, please take care of yourself...

WARNING! this is a tickle fic. If you don't like it, don't read it. Contains cursing It does include Gaster (Dadster, not handplates) and Asgore from undertale, BUT IT IS NOT A SHIP! IT IS ALL COMPLETELY PLATONIC AND FRIENDLY FRIEND BUISSNESS!! So fuck you guys! Yeah! (I'm kidding please love me) 😂😂😂 There is a bunch of stuff leading upto the did but it's worth it I swear! Okay. I'll shut up now. Ly fam! Go read!

---- ---- ---------------------------------- ---------------------------------- -------

It had been a long day. Gaster had been in the lab for nearly 24 hours finishing up a project and doing some work on the core. He did end up getting enough sleep to keep going with his head intact... Plus some coffee.... But it still wasn't enough. When he needed to speak to someone, he was able to keep the conversation going as per usual, but when he was alone..... He had almost fallen asleep in the middle of a couple experiments. So, as he was walking towards a set of stairs to get to another section of his lab -in which the coffee that was keeping him awake resided- he of course had to trip over his own feet and not catch himself before landing on the stairs at an odd angle... With a sickening crack.

"GAH! AAAHHRRGG!! FUCK!" Gaster yelped as he hit the cement steps. He had landed on his left side, hitting his upper arm at an odd angle on one of the steps. This particular spot was throbbing and screaming at him. This is no doubt what had caused the loud crack that echoed through the lab he was sitting in on his own.

Gaster rolled onto his back -still on the stairs- and looked at his arm. He could bleed thanks to the magic that kept him alive, and there was a large red patch seeping through his lab coat. This was worrying. It took alot to make a skeleton bleed.he managed to get up and over to a table before he collapsed onto a chair. He no longer needed anything to keep him awake. The pain was doing just fine. He slowly worked his lab coat off -not avoiding any pain like he had hoped- and rolled up his sleeve.

"Ah...." Gaster hissed and winced at the sight of his arm. "That would sertianly explain the bleeding..." He groaned as he managed to look at his arm. His upper arm was graced by a pretty nasty fracture that was leaking the red fluid that had concerned him more than the pain. As the adrenaline began to fade away, the arm hurt worse. It was slightly bent and would need to be reset, and for as smart as Gaster was, he was also stubborn. It was far from him to go for help. He would have to fix it himself. He took a deep breath and held part of his arm with his right hand, taking hold about an inch below the fracture and stiffening up his shoulder before close of his eyes and sharply cracking the arm back into place. Screaming and allowing a couple tears to slip out of his eyes despite himself. At least it was in place. He wrapped the fracture in a large quantity of bandages, sucureing them and sighing. It was far from ideal, but it would do. He flinched as his cell phone rang. The contact made his eyes widen.

"Y-your Magesty! H-hello... Is there... Is there something you need?" Gaster asked, stuttering from the continuing pain in his arm.

"~Gaster! My friend! Hello. Yes I... Are you alright? You rarely stutter...~" Asgore voice rang through the phone.

"Oh! Oh no, I-Im alright. J-just tired. You needed something, Sire?"

"~Yes... I was just reminding you about Tea in an hour. You've been late quite often lately.~" Asgore sighed.

"My apologies, Sire. I have been letting myself get a little bit too involved in my work. I will do my best to be on time today."

"~Its quite alright Gaster. I worry for you is all.~"

"Y-you really have no reason to worry about me, your Majesty. Surely you have enough to worry about without adding me to the list. I will be on time today, I promise. I-I really must be going now though. There is something I must attend to."

"~Alright Gaster. I'll let you go. I will see you in an hour~"

"Absolutely, Sire. Goodbye." Gaster finished as he hung up. Even better. He would not allow for the king to know he was wounded. He worried enough as it is.

Shoving some pain medicine into his face, Gaster walked over to his overnight room that he had incase he had to hole himself up for a few days and changed his shirt and lab coat, grunting as he did so. He prayed he could keep a dignified status whilst with the king.

An hour later, Gaster had walked into the throne room and kneeled whilst he announced his presence. His left arm remained as still as possible. Asgore gave his useualy short speech about 'Gaster being a friend and having no need to be so formal around him', but it never sticks anyway. Gaster would always treat the Goat Monster infront of him the same. He was the king for god sakes! They sat and talked as usual, but Asgore continually gave the doctor these odd looks. He was fed up.

"Your Majesty, might I ask why you keep giving me those odd looks?" Gaster asked, placing his cup down on the small China plate that was made for it.

"Are you sure your alright? You haven't moved your arm at all since you came in and you seem very tence. Oh dear, your shaking aswell. Gaster, my friend, are you hurt?" Asgore asked, taking on a worried expression. Gaster's eyes widened and he looked at his hand. Oh for the love of... He was shaking!

"I.... U-um. No. I'm alright... Really! You have no reason to worry about me, Sire." Gaster gulped. Dammit. Busted before he could slink off.

"Really?" Asgore asked in a tone that plainly pointed out his disbelief.

"...Y-yes?"

"Not even you believed that one." Asgore sighed standing and starting over to his friend. Gaster gulped and stood up.

"I- I really should be going... Thank-you for the tea, it was-" Gaster started, getting cut of my his Majesty's hand gently pressing againsed his chest, pulling back and revealing a soul. The King placed his hand underneath it and checked his friends HP. The doctor had lost Heath.

"Gaster! Your wounded! My friend, I ask that you tell me these things so I can help." Asgore exclaimed worriedly as Gaster shoved his soul back in place.

"It's nothing, Sire. Now, I really should be going if you don't mi-" Gaster was cut off from slinking away as Asgore grabbed his good arm right by his ribs with his large hand and held him in place.

"No. Doctor Gaster. Where are you wounded?" Asgore asked firmly and worriedly cutting Gaster off as he was about to speak. "And don't you dare say that it's nothing. Allow me to help you even just this once!" He spoke angrily.

"Sire-"

"Gaster..."

"I- ugh..." Gaster sighed before mumbling in reply. "My upper left arm. It's really not that bad. No need to worry over it."

"Of Corse it's something to worry over! You are wounded! Now, let me see. Hold still." Asgore said in a more calm and kind tone, gently reaching for Gaster's arm. Gaster fenced up, but still ended up flinching in spite of himself. Asgore simply rolled up his friend's thin sleeves until he saw he brown bandages wrapping the wound. Gaster winced as the king unsound the bandages until he saw the bloody and cracked bone underneath.

"Gaster!" Asgore gasped, "Why would you hide this from me!? Hold still!" He asked as he gently grabbed the wound and allowed his hand to glow green with healing magic.

"Wait! Sire! You don't... Have... To......." Gaster yelped trailing off as he magic put him into a dazed state. It only took two muinets for the arm to be healed and only minorly sore, but it felt like hours wile Gaster was in that trance-like state. When he came to his senses however.... "Your Majesty. You really didn't have to-" Gaster began, shaking his head to clear it and being cut off.

"Yes I did. You are my friend, Gaster. And I worry. Why did you hide that?" Asgore asked softly, placing his handsome on his friends shoulders. Gaster's sleeves fell back in place as his arm was allowed to drop. He looked away from the king.

"I hid it because you worry. You are already bombarded with enought to worry about without adding my burden to the pile. Until we are out of this retched mountain, my needs come last." Gaster stated firmly. The king was shocked. With a curt face, the taller and stronger out of the two lifted his friend up from under the arms to look at him eye level. Gaster's eyes widened as he grabbed onto the king's wrists, blushing slightly.

"Gaster. You. Are not. A burden. You are my friend. Your needs should not come last! If not under the authority of your king or the worry of a coligue, then please, by the plead of a friend, take better care of yourself! I'm not asking you to take a weekly spa day! I'm simply requesting you to look out for your health, safety, and emotional state. Is that really so much to ask?" Asgore stated in a tone that almost made Gaster give right then and there, but -as previously mentioned- he was stubborn.

"I am truely sorry, Sire, but my opinion and state of mind remains unchanged." Gaster stated as he looked away from the king. Asgore frowned. How could he cheer him up and get his friend to take better care of himself...? Asgore thought for a moment before he had a 'lightbulb' moment. He smirked playfully.

"Now Gaster..." Asgore began in a playful and mischievous tone that defiantly caught Gaster by supprize, considering the scientist looked the king in the eye with a chonfused look on his face. "I am going to give you one chance to swear you'll take better care of yourself..." Asgore finished. Okay, that smirk was worrying.

"Sire... I have no idea what your planning... But that smirk tells me it's nothing good. You still will not change my mind, however." Gaster gulped. His eyes flashed purple for a split second, just long enough for Asgore to see it before the skeleton regained his self control. He was nervous. Asgore grinned.

"Ooh... Bad choice." He chuckled before he began to lightly scratch the scientists ribs with the hands hat were already placed there. Gaster jumped, his arms coming down to press againsed his body instantaneously.

"Y-your Majehesty! Wahat are y-you do-ing!? Sihire!" Gaster yelped, stuttering in an attempt not to laugh.

"I think you know exactly what I'm doing, Gaster, and by the looks of things, it's working!" Asgore chuckled. Gaster began squirming more and kicking his legs a little, trying to get away. He had never been more confused in his life. He king. Asgore. He was... Tickling.... The Royal scientist? Just the mere thought made it harder to keep his giggles in.

"S-Sihihire! Thihis is v-very chihildish! Plehehease relehease mehe!" Gaster giggled. Actually giggled! This was increasingly embarassing for poor Gaster.

"I don't think so, my friend." Asgore chuckled lightheartedly. The king moved his friend to his chest, facing away from him, and sat down cross legged. Gaster was trapped in the king's lap! He didn't even truely understand what was happening. All he knew was that he was very red faced and that he jumped again as the king attacked his sides.

"Gah! Nohohohoho! Sihihihihihihire! Stohohohohohohop ihihit! Plehehehehase! Nahahahahohohohoho!" And there it was. Gaster had broken. He was smiling wide and bright, laughing his bony ass off in he king's lap. Gaster would have retaliated if it was anyone else. He has two sons. Its not like he's never done something like this before. But this was the king! He couldn't just retaliate to the king, let alone through all that armor! So the scientist sat and laughed, squirming and trying to get away. This was very embarassing. He couldn't get away! He tried reaching out to see if that table was still in reach. It was not. He pinned his arms down to his sides to try and shove the hands away, not such luck. He kicked out, only ending in pushing further into the king's chest and sliding down further into his lap.

"My my Gaster! You squirm quite a bit don't you?" Asgore chuckled, allowing Gaster to slip to the side a little, ending with the poor victim lying across his lab in his back. Asgore stuck his hands under the skeleton's arms and began digging his fingers in. Gaster squeaked and started to laugh even harder, arching his back and squirming away more.

"SIHIHIHIHIHIHIRE!! Nahahahahahahahahohohoho! Plehehehehehehehehehehehease! Enohohohogh!!!! Gahahahahahaha!" Gaster continued to laugh loudly, squirming and kicking away. He managed to get most of the wasy away, but the king just grabbed his ankle, removing the scientists dress shoe and attacking his feet.

"NOHOHO! NOHOHOHOHAHAHAHahahahahahahaha!!! Cohohohohohome ohohohohohon! Plehehehehehehehehehehehease!" Gaster cried, his laughter getting louder.

"You know, this side of you is much more fun. You hardly ever laugh or let loose! This is good for you! Asgore smiled. Gaster was banging his fist on the floor and trying to claw away on his belly, but the king was too strong. No madder how much Gaster kicked or squirmed, Asgore would not let go. We'll, until he stopped to pull Gaster into his lap again and go at his hips. That was much worse. He actually squealed. He was layed on his back again, so he did his best to push the king's hands away.

SIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIRE! PLEHEHEHEHEHEHEASE! IHIHIHIHI CAHAHAHAHAHANT!!! GAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" Gaster squealed, laughing louder than he would have liked. The king would have stopped then and there, but the scientists laughter was still more bright than desperate. So he continued, teasing a little to.

"you do realize your alowed to use my name right? Asgore. You know how to say it right? My god you laugh loudly!" Asgore chuckled kindly, smirking before pushing the scientists clothing and arms out of the way of his belly and sipping his head down. By the time Gaster realized what was about to happen it was too late. I loud raspberry was blown on his spine, causing him to shriek and laugh boistorously.

"NAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! OHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOH MYHYHYHY GOHOHOHOD!!! STAHAHAHAHAHAHAP!!!!!! GAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" Gaster shrieked, pushing on the king's head and trying to suck um into a ball the protect himself. Neither strategy was working. It wasn't until Asgore accedently brushed Gaster's elbow and got a snort that he paused. Gaster was panting and taking in more air than seemed reasonable.

"Gaster? Did you just snort when I touched your elbow?" Asgore smirked, raising an eyebrow. Gaster froze. He sat still for half a moment before Asgore spoke. "Is your funny bone ticklish?" Asgore cuckled questioningly. Gaster jumped into action, trying to get away with increased vigor. Asgore just laughed and pinned one of his arms down, experimentally scratching his friends funny bone. He flinched, snorted, and started to giggle from that small touch. Oh. This was gonna be good! Asgore went all out, and Gaster flipped. He shrieked and started trying desperately to get away. He was begging and laughing and makeing noises in his own little skeleton language. It was hilarious. This was most definitely his worst spot. Gaster had tears of mirth running down his face and he was laughing so hard that you could probably hear him in Snowden.

"Have you had enough Gaster? Will you start taking better care of yourself finnaly?" Asgore asked. Gaster couldn't even speak, so he just shook his head. Man! He was stuborn! Asgore did have one last thing up his sleeve though. He leaned his head down and blew on his friends funny bone in warning and to tease. Gaster's eyes snapped open.

"NO! WAIT! DONT- NAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA PLEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE! IHIHIHIHI CAHAHAHAHAHANT!!!" Gaster shrieked as Asgore blew raspberry after raspberry on his funny bone, causing him to fall into silent laughter. Asgore smirked.

"how about now?" He asked between raspberrys. Gaster nodded frantically. It just had to stop. Asgore laughed and stopped with one last scratch at his friends elbow before sitting up with Gaster panting in his lap, exhausted.

"Please..... Never..... Do that...... Again......" Gaster panted. Asgore laughed.

"If I find your not taking care of yourself or your in a bad moon, I will not hesitate my friend." Asgore laughed. Despite the grin on his face, Gaster groaned and threw his arm over his eyes. Asgore laughed. "Alright, up you get, my friend." Asgore smiled helping his friend to his feet. Gaster replaced his shoe and continued speaking with the king for some time. This day was certainly one for the history books.

[bitter-bitchbites]

Genuine question, if being trans isn't seen as a medical condition isn't that a bad thing? Insurance wouldn't cover life saving surgeries/hormones, so isn't that detrimental and against the trans communities interests?

“fair” point in theory, but you’re not seeing the matter from the right angle, because you got a transantagonistic and cissexist bias.

being trans isn’t a medical condition and it does not inherently implies medical care. 

transitioning does. like, yeah, hrt, surgeries, stuff that some trans people need so their dysphoria stop beating them in a metaphorical bloody pulp, because they need their body changed so they stop feeling so suicidal. insurance should cover that, because yeah, their mental health and life depend on it.

and no, the “trans” isn’t short for “transitionning”. it’s short for “transgender”, that was thought to contrast with “cisgender”, and “trans” has the sense of “crossing to the other/another side here, while “cis” means staying on the same side one starts on, more or less. that’s ancient greek, i think. so being trans isn’t defined by transitionning. transitionning is a choice, and sometimes it’s not, because sometimes it’s the only solution to not break because of dysphoria.

because of course, dysphoria is also its own medical thing, it’s a mental disorder, that can cause depression, self harm, self hatred, and suicidal urges.

but not every trans person has deadass terrible dysphoria that we can’t deal with without changing our bodies at a high price. some have mild dysphoria, that they can deal with haircuts, different clothes, and shaping their bodies in one they like themselves as and all. sometimes it’s bargaining because they can’t afford surgery, but sometimes, they just don’t feel like they need surgery. and yeah im mainly talking about nb trans ppl, altho there gotta be binary trans ppl who are like that too. i just know that it’s smtg we nb ppl often feel like. 

nonbinary ppl show that (hence why transmedicalists aka truscums hate us, tho idk why they care so much about pathologizing us and themselves). we don’t always hate our body. there are trans ppl, nb or not, that don’t suffer dysphoria, because dysphoria isn’t smtg you’re born with, it’s a disorder that’s caused by a bad environment that triggers it. 

extreme example, imagine a trans boy who’s forced at age 0 into pink dresses, pink shoes, pink hats, drinks from pink cups, in a pink chair, sleeps in a pink bed, in a pink room. and he’s said “you’re a girl girly girl” all the time, goes to dancing class because “that’s what girls do”, is put on make up cuz “that’s what girls like” and can’t put on pants cuz “that’s not a girl thing”. forced in a cissexist bs mold. a nightmare. it’s not that that makes him a boy, he was a boy at age 0, regardless or circumstances; but he grew in an environment he could not be comfortable exploring his identity and questioning his assigned gender. and that’s going to worsen his already possible dysphoria. 

but being trans isn’t what’s going to make him break down and slap his abusive mother with that fucking pink violin, and run away to live with his bf in the next state raising cats, no, that’s his anger caused by the hurt of his many mental illnesses, dysphoria being one of them.

being trans doesn’t cause pain. it’s dysphoria’s fault. and not every trans person has dysphoria, and sometimes nb ppl have dysphoria, and sometimes not and they’re still trans, and some trans ppl’s dysphoria goes away at some point. but being trans doesn’t.

and take me for example. i have dysphoria. had it since i was 10. im a demigirl. that’s a nb(trans) woman identity. but i don’t wanna change my body with surgery. i don’t want to take away parts of myself, because i got enough of that, and i want to love my body. so instead i wanna add stuff, like letting my body hair do its thing, and not wearing bras and getting muscles, and asking ppl to use they/them for me, and not try and push me into being whatever tf they think a cis girl does. and that, plus mental work on my image, helped me tone down my dysphoria. maybe i’ll see if i can get hormones, if it doesn’t turn out i already have pocs. i was sick because of my dysphoria. not because im trans.

there’s a lot of cases like this that are weird and hard to understand, maybe, but they all point to one thing: the problem is dysphoria and other mental illnesses caused by being misgendered and abused.

i wanna be trans. i like that. it’s good, it’s me, it helps me, the community is mostly nice, im at peace with that label, and i don’t want to have it taken off. because that’s what it’d mean, to see transidentity as a medical condition. it’s be an illness. something to correct, to fight, to destroy. i don’t want to fight myself. neither does the majority of trans ppl.

so no, not pathologizing transidentity isn’t anywhere near detrimental to the trans community. because we still have valid problems that deserve specific attention, we still have dysphoria, we still want to transition, and we deserve the health care that we need to cope with cissexist abuse. the problem isn’t being trans. it’s the environment, the ppl, the society we live in. and doctors already know that. they don’t allow you to get hrt on insurance because you’re trans. they do because they dx you have dysphoria. that’s literally how they decide if we deserve to get the treatment we know we need. sometimes they won’t even dx ppl with dysphoria that they have dysphoria, because they’re “too mentally ill for that”, or “too sane to be trans”. and hormones don’t even cost as much as we gotta pay them. the prices are artificially inflated, like most medicines, because a compagny own them.

trans ppl don’t need to be pathologized to get the issues linked to our marginalized identity acknowledged. insurance would/should cover surgery and hrt regardless of what ppl think being trans is. because when we say we got a fucking problem or need things, we should be listened.

we would be, if our society cared. we wouldn’t be pathologized if our governments weren’t cissexist trans-hating little shits.

another example, a comparison this time. being afab isn’t an illness. but we still need medical attention, like detecting breast and uterus cancers, or other gyneacological treatment that can be a matter of life and death. and to that, you add the mental baggage caused by being in a mysoginistic cissexist patriarchy. sounds like worth being covered by insurance, uh? well not to many pseudo-civilized countries, but to the happiest on earth, it does, and it works. and yet being afab, especially a cis woman, isn’t an illness, or a curse.

because yeah, we also used to think that women were inherently sick and taht they needed men’s guidance and validation to be allowed to live, it’s just the same fucking mentality, but applied to trans ppl, with cis ppl. 

we’re not the correct gender, we don’t even perform it correctly, so we’re not worth being cared and listened to.

that’s victim blaming. that’s putting ppl under oppression, making them grow in a toxic environment they can’t escape from because it’s their very identity that’s thought to be inherently hostile, and we tell them it’s their fault. that they’re sick and that’s it.

considering being trans a medical condition is fucking murder. you’re placing the power in cis ppl’s hands doing that, because that means we’re to be corrected, and only them can do that. it also gatekeeps from getting treatment. it also misplaces the blame on our identity when it should be on our oppression.

being transmedicalist is allyship to the cistem. that’s believing the lie they made up to say we only deserve care if we accept that we’re sick, and to be ashamed.

im repeating myself, but insurance should cover our treatments for our dysphoria, and let us do what we wish of our bodies and identity as we endanger no one. nobody is allowed to call us ill for what we are while ignoring what we suffer of. we should get at least partially insurance covered surgery and hrt and completely insurance covered when we have dysphoria. it’s possible. spain does it, in good enough conditions. yeah, spain, the catholic country that was still a royalist dictatorship fourty years ago. and france too, can do the insurance coverage, even if it’s harder because you need psychiatric approval first, which is bs and intrusive. 

we aren’t sick for being trans, we deserve to be listened on our terms, that’s not a fleeting dream, and that’s not up to debate. 

and we’re going to change shit so we can get that.