#the medication i was put on about a year ago for my migraines is technically an antidepressant that is commons used for hard to treat cases

[pixelateddragonet]

I hope i get my Dad's silver hair when I get older, it looks really cool and i think it'd feel a bit like carrying a piece of him with me always

[happyk44]

hermes is on vacation so nico gets some mortal substitute familiar with demigods and the greek pantheon as his doctor and when he calls him up for a visit, dude's like "well hermes didn't really tell me what was up with you because. you know. doctor/patient confidentiality. but he did tell me that if my gut instinct is "you're too young to have that" i should remember that you are apparently over a hundred years old, and if i don't believe that, i should remember he looks like a 25 year old twink but is old enough that he can describe my great grandfather's penis to me in detail. so! what's up with you"

and nico just pulls out this binder from his backpack, slaps it onto the desk and opens it up. the first page is a print out from a powerpoint presentation, the title reading "What Is Wrong With Nico", a subtitle of "aka the old man bones are old man boning", with a smaller subtitle several spaces below reading "current as of: right the fuck now"

the next page is four tables under the title "Ways He Is Broken". the tables depict:

his current diagnosis and the date of diagnosis

his current medications, the amount, and to what problem they correspond

things he's already been tested for that didn't pan out and why he was tested for them

previous medications he was on, the amount and why he was taking them (also includes current meds where the amount was changed)

the next page is titled "How The Fuck Is He Not Dead" and then a bullet pointed list summarizing all his traumas and other minor shit he's been through that has been attached as the cause(s) behind his issues, so like sandwiched between "nearly suffocated to death while trapped in a jar" and "had to shadowtravel across the atlantic ocean with a giant statue and two other people (prior limit was myself going from new york to illinois)" there's a point stating "fell over on the crows nest of a flying boat and dislocated my wrist". next to each bullet point there are coloured dots going to the left. some bullet points only have one, some have two - they are all colour coded to correspond to the ailment(s) in which they apply.

the next page is called "What Is He Up To These Days" and it's just a long list detailing all his diagnosed symptoms - again little circles beside each point to colour code to the corresponding ailment. the column next to it is labelled "new symptoms" and consists of three bullet points: getting dizzy when i stand up, started two months ago once a week, now every time i stand; migraines are back, made me cry in the shower last night, need new meds probably; and, got hit in the rib by a hydra's tail last month, reset my rib myself and eating ambrosia squares, but still hurts really bad, don't think it's healing right

the next page is "What Could Kill Him So Don't Use It*" and it's just a few columns labelled "pet allergies" "food allergies" "drug allergies" "magic allergies" "other allergies" and the only one that has something included is food allergies and it's just the bullet point "garlic intolerant but he's fucking italian so he doesn't care". in the footnotes at the bottom of that page is the asterix relating back to the title saying "Don't fucking give him cigarettes. he is an idiot and he will ask but they do not work and they never worked and he refuses to listen to me when i tell him this. DO NOT LET HIM HAVE CIGARETTES"

it is very clear this page was filled out by Hermes himself

his interim mortal doctor reads carefully each page, glancing once at nico when he gets to Hermes' footnote, before closing the binder. "you're how old?"

"technically 17, chronologically one hundred and something, i dunno i can't do math and i don't remember what my dad put on my cake this year"

"Right. okay." the mortal doctor presses his hands together and to his lips watching nico carefully then lowering his hands to smooth across the desk "have you ever thought about maybe just sitting on a couch and never leaving your house again"

"yeah, i tried that but i get restless, and also i like helping people if they need it and they ask. hermes tells me i should be more selfish then locks me to a chair, but he's also the one who taught me how to pick locks so i can get out pretty easily. honestly don't know why he keeps trying. even if i didn't know how to pick the lock, i'm pretty good at dislocating my joints on purpose too so i can always just get out that way."

the increasingly stressed out doctor just hums quietly. then, "okay! first i'm going to check your rib, and then we're gonna talk about you getting a 24 hour caregiver because you clearly do not understand limits and need someone who does"

[cascadingthroughthedeep]

ADHD or Autism. Maybe one falls into the other. Something is wrong, something has always been fucking wrong.

It's always getting worse. Some days I feel like it's going to get better because I learn something new after each breakdown. But when I yet again break down, I feel like I haven't learnt a thing.

It always plays on my mind how I was missed. How girls where always fucking missed. Probably more so by women teachers, ADHD mothers who never realized they had it. There was so many signs. Core memories. Trauma memories. I didn't even have to be thought of to have development issues, they could've just picked up on how scared I was of everything, how I got continuously bullied, how I never fit in and gave me guidance.

They gave me grommits when I was young, because everything was too fucking loud, and I cried if there was two loud noises at the same time. My mum hinted to me to pretend I couldn't hear the faint beeps because she knew something was definately wrong with me, so they thought something was wrong with my actual hearing.

Health Anxiety has currently got it's claws into me. The doctors can't even call me to tell me if I'm on the ADHD referral list. I thought I'd been on it for over a year already, but apparently there was some kind of error and they will call me to keep me updated. No. Nothing. Weeks ago.

I've recently received a Distinction in Animal Management technical diploma, ready to spread my wings in the animal industry. Need to drive for all of them. Let's drive. No. Can't drive because all the waiting lists are on pause because of COVID.

I am willing to put this work in and the world is telling me no.

I can't take antidepressants anymore because I get ground shattering migraines, and I'm constantly numb. It's a loose loose.

Please do not tell me to just exercise, set a routine, mediate and eat well because you know there is no dopomine in any of them at the start. I need to be correctly medicated.

The mood swings are magnificent, though. I screamed in the street the other day and it was fucking liberating. "You fucking cunt!" At a bus driver who just decided not to stop for me, a bus that's every hour. I had about 6p in my bank account and I needed to see my mum (I had a pre paid bus pass).

I smashed in my door, and threw it shut and kicked the living shit out of my stairs. I should probably say my foot. I kicked the shit out of my own foot really because I've had an egg on it for days.

Was thinking about rage rooms, but apparently it's addictive. Makes sense. You go to enough, your brain accepts it as a normal response and you smash up your own house. Fair fair. But this URGE to break things is getting greater.

I'm stuck, so fucking stuck. I can see it, you know. I really can. That line, and it's not so far away.

I've been thinking about starting a vlog thing. I'm a bit out of touch. For those who read my posts, and hear them, which I'm not sure is just a glitch because I can't see who has noted them... what do you think?

I've been on the bones of my ass this month. I feel like I have a shit load to say, and vent about. My dark humour, my honesty, realism, makeup/ eating whislt speaking (I know they're getting the views these days) Has anyone tried this before and it's made it worse on their mental health?

I have this fear that my old high school bullies would find them, and somehow bring me back down on my ass.

I need something. Growing up I had this fucking crave to be liked, I needed to be admired, watched, I loved getting changed Infront of windows at night. I loved the feeling of kissing someone new for the first time, the rush.

I'm settled now. But I need to be heard, more. I need to be listened to, more.

I'm fat and ugly now and, I dont take care of myself because I just can't. All my energy is just working and surviving until my next paycheck. I scrub up okay but fuck, I've gone from an hourglass in office heels to, a circle in Sketchers. There's no other way I can express how I look other than a circle.

The world is bananas. I used to say I want to just live in the wild but the sad thing is now I know what diseases are in the wild, probably not. No escape from this sad little life. The joy has gone, I'm trying SO fucking hard to bring it back.

Something big will happen soon. I can feel it, it has to. I'm bending so hard it's gonna slip and whip me in my saggy fucking face. Or I might just pull driving lessons out my ass and win a car from good life plus.

You know, just something big. Anything.

[unicorpseboi]

I really hate my neurologist.

I've had a series of upsets with my health for over a decade, and my primary and I have made strides in the last year to get diagnoses and undergo testing and see specialist after specialist.

I've had issues with hypermobility since I was a child; and this goes beyond being flexible. I was put into dance as a kid because I was pigeon-toed and had "flat feet," and my parents thought ballet would fix it. It didn't, ballet only exacerbated my issues that only now at the age of 24 - nearly 17 years later - I've finally gotten a name for. I have a connective tissue disorder. I was diagnosed with Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome; not that that has been the most welcoming - any outreach of support I've tried to grasp onto has been met with the community slamming doors in my face because I don't know which type for sure yet because more tests and specialist appointments and I live in America, yknow? But I'm just "really flexible" and even the EDS community has been very rigid and cold when I've been advised by my therapist to seek support circles.

I mention this because one of the other issues I've been having for years now is seizures. I've never had a doctor take me seriously when I brought it up; I have a few different psychological diagnoses, so usually I get written off as just having anxiety. When I brought up the "pseudo seizures" to my primary, he asked me to describe them, became quickly alarmed because "no, hun, that doesn't sound like pseudo seizures, that sounds like a clonic seizure, we need to get you in to a neurologist," and then 8 months later I finally managed to find a neurologist who was taking new patients. I go in and see this guy, he does the EEG, he doesn't tell me I don't have epilepsy, he doesn't tell me I do, he just immediately puts me on trokendi. Fucking Trokendi XR. My primary had tried getting me started on trokendi 8 months earlier to get me on something, but I had a really bad reaction to it and my primary took me off of it immediately. I'm having the same bad reaction, but it does seem to be the typical bad side effects that just come with this medication and the dosage adjustment because after about 2 weeks I adjust. But each time my neurologist ups the dose, the side effects get more and more severe. This time around I even started having issues with su*cidal thoughts. My neurologist won't switch my meds because technically I haven't had a seizure or a migraine since starting it.

Here's why I mention my EDS. This is a new concrete diagnosis for me. Like a month ago new. I've been on some pretty strong prescription pain meds for a while now though because before the diagnosis, we had no clue why I had such bad chronic pain and why I couldn't walk and it was worsening over the years. To keep me off of NSAIDS and away from opioids, my primary physician prescribed gabapentin cuz it doubles as a pain medication for fibromyalgia, which is basically a catch all phrase for "we don't know why you're in pain, we can't figure it out, but we know you are in pain." My neurologist told me that he noticed I was on a rather high dose of it, and I told him that yeah, it was hard to take because it would knock me out for the rest of the day and I'd have to sleep it off. So he told me to hand over the remaining medication I had, and he'd write me a new prescription for a slightly lower dosage that way I could still function if I needed to take it. I trusted him, he said the reason I had to hand it over first was because it was a controlled medication. The moment he had all of my pain medication, he decided right then and there that nope, I do not have this diagnosis that he is not qualified to make. That I'm just "really flexible" and that that's "a good thing." I can't walk long distances. I can't stand for more than 10 minutes at a time without my legs giving out from under me and making me fall. I have hurt myself several times falling in parking lots walking out of stores because of this. I have woken up several times with dislocated joints. I am beyond angry at my neurologist, but what am I supposed to do when the country I live in is so broken that the medicaid insurance I'm on isn't accepted everywhere, doctors refuse to take on new patients at the expense of chronically ill patients' health, and doctors abuse patients with no regard to consequences?

[dwellordream]

the best laid plans

day 1 for @wayhavensummer because this is the only prompt I'll have time to do this week!

T Rating (for one brief mention of sex and one brief reference to emotional abuse) Felix x Detective Esme Kingston, 2300 words

The migraine cuts her to her core, and Esme can’t even manage the usual dose of guilt and hesitance she’d feel about canceling plans with Tina. They were supposed to go away this weekend, and Esme hasn’t been on a vacation since uni, but right now she couldn’t even make her way out of her flat, never mind into a car for a seven hour drive down the coast. 

She feels like vomiting, the pain is so intense, as if she’d been concussed. Migraines have been a constant for her since puberty; she has a vivid memory of her first one, when she was thirteen, and the long wait in the nurse’s office at the private school her mother paid so much money for. The same mother who eventually sent someone else to pick her up, ninety minutes after the first phone call. 

Esme doesn’t even remember who it was; some Agency intern? A vampire? A demon? Whoever it was, they brought her home, gave her some painkillers, and told her to sleep it off. She woke up hours later, in the middle of the night, to a still empty house. Rebecca had come home briefly to leave a note for her about some leftovers in the fridge and another one excusing her from school the next day if need be, and then gone straight back to work. 

Maybe Esme should have been outraged or hurt by this, but she doesn’t recall feeling much of anything at the time beyond hunger, when the pain had finally receded enough to think straight. She ate the leftovers cold in their sterile, silent kitchen, and put herself back to bed.

The migraines had intensified through high school, to the point where her mother considered putting her on permanent medication, before receding just before she went away to university. After that they were far more infrequent, which was both a blessing and a curse- it was easy to forget what the pain felt like, and to feel like it was weak, lazy of her to let it get the best of her. 

Bobby certainly didn’t help matters; the first one Esme had during their relationship came around shortly after they’d had sex for the first few times, and Bobby quickly became convinced this was her version of ‘not tonight, dear, I have a headache-’. That she was, for some ludicrous reason, exaggerating her migraines. 

If she didn’t want to have sex with him, she’d never had much of an issue saying as much, bluntly, clinically. Another thing he despaired of- her lack of social graces, her insistence on saying exactly what she meant, in her usual ‘ice queen’ manner. Now he had reason to call her frigid in more ways than one. 

Esme still isn’t sure how things between them ever lasted as long as seven torturous months. She assumes they both had a private masochistic streak- why else would two people who made one another so blatantly unhappy stay together? 

Bobby isn’t here now, of course, to whinge and moan about her ignoring him, but there’s still a little voice in her head telling her to get up and stop acting like a baby when the evening rolls around. The pain has greatly lessened, thankfully, and she’s hungry, which is usually a good sign, but she’s also exhausted and cranky and generally miserable, feeling as though an entire day was wasted, one she could have spent with her best friend, on her way to a vacation. 

Now, again, she is alone in a dark room. She slowly rolls over onto her side, bracing for a wave of pain or nausea, then pushes herself up onto her elbows and gropes at her night table for her phone. She has several missed calls and texts. Two from Tina, one from her mother, and one from Felix, which is the most recent, about thirty minutes ago. 

Felix H: omw over to drop stuff off. 30 min???

She checks the time, then jumps, almost bashing her head into the headboard, when she hears a quiet knock at her door. For a moment Esme considers lying back down and not answering it; Felix can be persistent but he would never try to break her door down, especially when he knows she’s ill. 

Then she clambers out of bed, some instinct driving her, a desperate kind of loneliness- for an instant tears spring to her eyes, as if she were a child again, terrified of being left alone, that she will just miss him, that she will pull open the door and he will already be gone-

“Ez?”

He’s right there when she yanks open the door, the chain still in place. Esme undoes it and pulls the door open all the way. Felix is staring at her, a small bag of groceries in hand. Vampires have far better temperature regulation than humans but it’s obvious he is feeling the heat; for once he’s not wearing a beanie or any kind of hat or cap at all. 

He’s gotten his hair braided recently; Esme looks at him for a moment, staggered by the fact, as always, that even in the harsh fluorescent lighting of her narrow hallway. Felix’s dark skin has a sheen all its own, magnified by his golden eyes. 

He prods her shoulder gently with the pad of his thumb. “If you faint on me, I’m gonna drop your gifts.”

“My gifts?” Esme shakes her head, leading the way back into her darkened flat. It’s much more cluttered than usual; she never finished packing for the trip she was supposed to take today. 

Felix does not reach for a light switch; he has perfect vision in the dark, and light from the parking lot is spilling through her blinds. Instead he sets the bag on her counter and sorts through it as enthusiastically as Santa Claus on Christmas, or a child sorting through their Halloween candy. 

“Min tea,” he says, “cold packs, squash, sweet potatoes, brown rice, dried cranberries…”

“Did you just look up ‘what to eat and drink for a migraine’?” Esme manages to ask, bemused. 

He looks up, a sheepish smile quirking at his soft lips. “If I say yes…”

“I’m impressed,” she says. “And.. thank you. Very much. You didn’t have to do this.”

“I didn’t have to supply my ailing girlfriend with nutritious food and drink?” he waves the bottle of mint teat in her face vigorously. 

“Ailing? I’m not eighty five years old, Felix.”

“That’s right, I’m the old man here,’ he cackles, then amends, “Or, will be. Technically we’re not that far apart in age but eventually when you start decaying-,”

“Decaying?” As usual, his word choice both horrifies and amuses her. 

Felix has even less of a filter than her, but with the opposite effect. She comes across as cold and controlling. He comes across as… well, ‘space cadet’ has been used a few times, but Esme likens it to a time traveler. Only, not from the past, and not quite from the future. A parallel visitor. Something out of the Twilight Zone, only… warm and colorful and eager to please. That’s Felix.

He shrugs. “Succumbing to the elements?”

“I’m not a castle,” she mutters, but pours herself a cup of cold mint tea. Will it be as good as if she’d brewed it herself here at home, no, but at the moment she doesn’t care. 

He puts the rest away in her small fridge while she drinks, leaving out the cranberries, then circles warily, as if approaching a wild animal, when she finishes off her cup. “Can I-,” his fingers ghost along the back of her neck. The hairs there raise and she shivers violently, but not in fear or pain. 

“Yes,” she murmurs, then leans back into his embrace as he wraps his arms around her. 

They scuttle over to the sofa like that, and ease down together. Felix is not terribly tall, and she is average height, so there’s scarcely a few inches between them. Esme has always liked that. All the others she’s been with had towered over her, and it made her feel spoilt and delicate in an undesirable, bratty kind of way, as if she were childish, some little princess to be coddled and indulged. Or maybe that’s just her projecting onto everything else that makes up a relationship besides height differences. 

For now, she is content to lie back so her head rests against Felix’s, cheek to cheek. His is silken smooth; she knows he is fastidious about shaving, the same as her. 

“You’re feeling better, though?” he murmurs, and snakes a hand under her pyjama top as if to check. Splayed warm against her belly, it tickles for an instant and she smiles. 

“Yes. It’s mostly passed. I’m just tired. And annoyed. Tina was really looking forward to this trip. She’ll still have fun by herself, but it was supposed to be the two of us, and I’m always canceling plans.”

“You are not,” says Felix, reasonably. “You’re just busy. And you couldn’t help it this time, you were sick. She knows that.”

Esme nods; for all his jokes and quips, Felix is always sensible in a manner that she finds comforting- stating the obvious isn’t such a bad thing when dealing with someone like her. 

“I hate being sick,” she murmurs, rolling onto her side so she can rest her cheek on his shoulder. He wraps his arms around her more securely, even intertwines their legs. Felix sleeps like this too, though at this point he’s only spent the night a few times. 

Esme is taking things as slowly as she dares, given all the other factors at play- her mother, their work, the rest of the team, the fact that he is a vampire from another dimension and she is the human equivalent of dry toast… 

“I kind of like it,” Felix confesses, with just enough lilt in his voice that she knows he’s half teasing.

Esme grumbles vengefully into his shirt. He smells like coconut butter and vanilla. She doesn’t know if that’s his aftershave or just the essence of Felix, refined to the purest degree. Sometimes he smells like cinnamon to her, or lavender and honeysuckle. 

Felix tolerates these assessments but likes to claim that it’s him producing some kind of super pheromones perfectly designed for luring in unsuspecting human prey. Or his girlfriend. Or both. 

Esme has not been anyone’s girlfriend in a long time. Years. It feels very strange. Before him, it’d been so long since she’d even touched anyone, besides Tina or her mother or shaking hands. That absence did not hurt Esme. But being with Felix is like an unexpected delight. Free dessert. Extra sprinkles on your sundae. Any number of juvenile metaphors she should be above, but isn’t. 

“You’re not going to ask why I like it?” He is winding his fingers through her hair, which she let down from its usual tight ponytail to ease the tension on her scalp.

“Because you like to mock me?” she ventures.

“No,” says Felix. “Because you would have gone away with Tina, and now I get to see you. And hold you.” He presses an astoundingly gentle kiss to her brow, like a feather.

Esme feels a queer stab of guilt. “I didn’t know you’d minded so much.”

“I don’t mind,” he says quickly. “I was happy for you to get away for once. I’m not going to third wheel you and your best friend.”

“I think the terms refers to the opposite-,”

“Hush hush,” he interrupts, which gets a giggle out of her. “But this is like… an unexpected delight.”

The back of her neck prickles. “Can you read minds?” she asks, half serious.

“Not yet,” he sounds smug. “I have great intuition.”

“Because you’re a vampire?”

“No, because I’m me,” he boasts. “Look at Ava’s intuition. Terrible.”

Esme laughs again. “I wouldn’t go that far.”

“She’s always expecting the worse. And Nat swings in the other direction. Always wants to play nice and hug it out.”

“And Mason?” Esme teases, feeling energetic enough not to raise her head so her chin is on his chest. Their noses are almost touching.

“Eh… he’s alright,” Felix breathes, and then closes the gap with a kiss. 

Esme kisses him back, more passionately than she’d meant to, and only stops it when he starts to sit up so she is straddling his lap. 

“I don’t think I can…”

“Eat some cranberries?” He grins impishly and hands her the bag from the coffee table.

Esme smiles and bumps her forehead against his, something she did impulsively after their first kiss and which he never let her live down. 

“What are we, cats?” he says, on cue, but brushes his nose and lips down her cheek and onto her neck, as if to nuzzle her in turn. “Eat some fruit before your migraine comes back. Do you want me to put some of this stuff away?”

“No,” she says, pushing him back down on the sofa. “Just- stay with me, please?”

“Alright,” he agrees, amiable as ever, and reaches for the remote. “This can be like our vacation, yeah? The Felix and Esme Show. The Fezme Show-,”

“No,” she groans, but wriggles off him to curl up beside him instead, a handful of cranberries rising to her mouth as he flips through the channels.

He settles on an episode of Columbo. Felix hasn’t really seen much in the way of TV, and so reruns mean nothing to him. But it means everything to her. They keep the volume on very low, and he gets up at one point to open the windows more, even as the faint sounds of the parking lot outside drift in- the buzz of the lights, doors opening and closing, the crunch of gravel. 

Esme falls asleep sagging onto him, cranberries in her lap, mouth half open while Felix watches, riveted in the light of the screen, as the detective closes the case.

[whump-tr0pes]

HB4-40/Whumtober day 25

This is a series. Start here, continued from here.

This is a sequel to Honor Bound, Honor Bound 2, Honor Bound 3, and Vera.

AO3

Masterlist

~

Content warning: migraine, emesis, death mention, mention of parent killing a child, implied noncon drugging

~

The room was moving slowly around Gavin, but he was lying still. He blinked his eyes open and winced as even the soft light from the crack in the curtains stabbed into his eyes, feeling like a knife directly into his brain. He squinted and groaned softly as his eyes slowly focused on his own hands, bound in front of him and lying on a pillow, and Isaac, lying next to him on his back, his pinky just touching Gavin’s.

Gavin stirred, and froze as the pain behind his left eye pounded harder. His stomach churned. He twisted his hands against the rope and winced as it bit into his skin.

He squinted – why was his left eye so blurry? – and looked at Isaac where he lay. Gavin didn’t want to wake him; he seemed peaceful, relaxed, his mouth open slightly, the muscles of his face soft and loose. Another wave of nausea rolled over him and he squeezed his eyes shut. He gently placed his hand on Isaac’s shoulder.

Isaac jerked awake with a gasp, his eyes darting over the room, his right hand curling into a fist. Gavin collapsed against the pillow with a moan. Isaac found Gavin and froze, then relaxed, all at once.

“Hey,” Isaac said, with a soft smile. His gaze flicked to the rope still around Gavin’s wrists. “Oh, shit,” he murmured, and hesitantly reached out. “Can I—”

“Please,” Gavin breathed. “Don’t… don’t feel good.”

Isaac’s brow furrowed as he fumbled at the knot. “Oh. What… what’s going on?”

“Head hurts,” Gavin gasped, as even the act of talking seemed to make the throbbing behind his eye even worse. “Nauseated. Don’t wanna move.”

“Oh, shit. I’m sorry. Is it…? Did something…?” Isaac’s hands stopped on the rope. “Are you… sure I didn’t hurt you last night, Gavin?”

“Yeah, sure,” Gavin breathed. “Please, just… f-fuck, hurts…”

“I’ll get Finn,” Isaac said, and Gavin sighed with relief as the knot came away. “Maybe they—”

“Just a headache,” Gavin said tightly. He carefully rubbed his wrists where the rope had cut into them, just a little, while he slept. “It’s… it’s just…” Just the movement of his hands was enough to tip the room around him. He heaved forward, leaned off the side of the bed, and vomited into the small trashcan there. Sweat broke out over his skin.

“I’m getting Finn,” Isaac said in a rush, practically leaping off the bed. He opened the door and disappeared down the hallway. Gavin groaned as he slumped with his head hanging off the side of the bed. As the blood rushed to his head, the pounding grew even worse, although Gavin didn’t know how that was possible. He dry heaved once, then retreated back until his head lay against the cool of the mattress. The cool felt good.

“…n’t know what’s wrong,” came Isaac’s voice as he approached their room. “I just woke up and he was—”

“Don’t turn on the light,” Finn said, their voice coming from the doorway.

Thank god for you, Finn. Please, please don’t turn on the light.

“Oh. I… why, is that…?”

“Just… give me a sec.”

Gavin could hear the soft sounds of padded feet on the floor, but quieter than normal, as if… as if Finn was trying to be quiet. Even so, the sound crawled under his skin and made him feel sick with it. The air moved around him as Finn knelt beside the bed.

“Careful, I…” Gavin’s mouth was numb. “I… I puked.”

“It’s fine,” Finn said, their voice barely louder than a whisper. “Ellis has had morning sickness all week. It’s just puke. You woke up like this?”

“Y-yeah,” Gavin mumbled.

“No recent head injuries?”

“Not… recently…” Gavin laughed, once, then moaned as the pain in his head ratcheted up another notch. “Oh, god.”

Finn huffed out a laugh of their own. “Okay, fair enough. Ever had this happen before?”

“No,” Gavin groaned. “Oh, fuck, what’s…?” He pressed his hands against his head, desperate to push away the pain. “What is this?”

“It’s a migraine,” Finn said gently. Gavin flinched as he felt Finn’s cool fingers against his head, carding gently through his damp hair. He groaned and pushed weakly into the touch.

“F-feels good,” Gavin whimpered. “I’m… s-sorry, I… I don’t know what’s… happening…”

“Honestly, I’m surprised we aren’t all having them,” Finn murmured, a smile in their voice. “They’re a really common symptom of stress. And—”

“You’re the ones who were stressed,” Gavin said, weakly. “You’re the ones who were being tortured.”

Finn blew out a slow breath through their lips. Finally, they turned to Isaac and said, “Please explain to your boyfriend what a dumbass he is. I’m going to get some ice. One of the theories about migraines is that they’re caused by a blood vessel in the brain dilating and putting pressure on the surrounding tissue. Ice on the back of the neck can constrict the—”

“Not a dumbass,” Gavin whispered, trying to ignore how his cheeks flushed. Isaac’s boyfriend? If he didn’t feel so fucking… sick…

“Yeah, sure, Gavin,” Finn said gently, and the air moved again as they stood. Their voice faded until it sounded like they were standing outside the door. “I’ll be right back, Isaac. I’ll bring a clean trashcan and clean that one. I could try to get my hands on some rizatriptan, too. A classmate of mine used to take it for her migraines. It works pretty well, from what I hear. If this is gonna be a regular thing—”

“You mean this is gonna happen again?” Isaac whispered. “Finn… he… he doesn’t fucking… Finn, just… just tell me what to do. Okay? Just… tell me what to do. He… he takes care of me, all the goddamned time. Finn, please…”

“Isaac… breathe. It’s a migraine. It sucks, but it isn’t life threatening, and there are medications that treat it. I can ask Edrissa if she knows any herbal remedies. She might—”

“You… you won’t tell her who it’s for, right? I mean…”

Finn laughed, softly. “I won’t let her poison him, Isaac. No, I’ll say it’s for Ellis. She’s been going absolutely bananaballs over that baby. She’d be happy to help.”

A pause. “…okay. I just… Finn, he… he doesn’t deserve this. After everything he did… I mean, yeah, no shit he was stressed, he walked the fucking wire for three weeks in that fucking nightmare mansion, for us. And… this is how he’s repaid?”

“I know. Believe me, I know. We’re all dealing with… various versions of this. Ellis says their morning sickness is way worse than the first two times. I’m pretty sure Tori’s got an ulcer, and Vera’s back pain has been… I mean, yesterday she could barely get out of bed. And… well. You’ve seen Sam. Although they’re getting better every day.”

“Yeah, but… Finn, could… could this be… I don’t know, a result of the head injury I gave him? I mean, that was almost a year ago now, but… could something that long ago be causing it?”

Gavin’s chest ached at the guilt in Isaac’s voice. He wanted to call out to him and tell him no, this wasn’t from the head injury, he was sure of it… but he felt if he raised his voice, his brain would catch fire and come melting out his ears like hot cheese. The thought made him gag.

“I… don’t think so. I mean… yeah, technically, it could be from that, but it’s way, way more likely that it’s from the stress. I mean… don’t tell Ellis I said this, but… I’ll never doubt his place in the family again, because of how much he sacrificed for us. His mother would have skinned him alive if she ever got even a hint that he wasn’t hers, and that he still cared about us. And he did all that anyway. It would have been… much, much easier for him to just go with it, and let her kill us one by one. I mean, she might have still killed him, but she might not. And he would be… I mean, fuck, Isaac, he was… tortured. And the torture he put himself through, lying for us… what he made himself do to you…”

“I know,” Isaac said brokenly. “There’s… no way I could ever thank him enough for what he did for us. For… for me.”

“You have a lifetime to try, Isaac.”

For a moment, the pain faded, pushed right out of Gavin’s head by his shock. He’d hoped they’d let him stay, but there was some small part of him that believed they were only letting him stay until rumors of their survival had faded, and he could be released again with minimal risk. He’d hoped they’d want him, as part of their family. He’d hoped Isaac would let him stay by his side.

The pain rushed back in and Gavin whimpered softly. Finn and Isaac were silent for a moment. The smell of his vomit was making him sick. He pressed his face against the mattress.

“You… you think he’d want me for that long? A lifetime?”

Finn sighed. “You’re both dumbasses. Yes, Isaac, I do. You’re… you’re literally the first person to ever show him what love looks like. You think he took you just for shits and giggles? I mean, for that reason, too, but… I think he wanted to see what it was that made you so special that you’d give yourself up for Sam.”

“I’m not special. Anyone else would have—”

“You are to him, Isaac. And to the rest of us, too, but absolutely to him. Now… let me go get some ice, okay? I can grab the trash can in a sec.”

“No, I… I can do that,” Isaac said, his voice low and gentle. “It’s fine.”

“…okay. Well, I’ll be back. Grab the trashcan from the bathroom.”

“Yeah.”

The voices faded. Gavin floated in the pain, every heartbeat grabbing him and pulling him back down into his body. The room moved slowly around him, the sour smell of his own sick rankling in his nose. There was a rustling, and when Gavin peeled his eyes open, there was a fresh trashcan on the floor beneath him. He sighed and pulled the covers up over his head.

After a long moment, several minutes or several hours, he couldn’t tell, he felt the mattress dip as someone sat next to him. The blanket was drawn back from over his head, and a cool compress settled on the back of his neck. He groaned softly as the cool pushed away the nausea for a moment.

“Thanks, Finn,” he whispered. Then, fingers trailed gently through his hair, and he whined softly. He’d know that touch anywhere. “Isaac,” he murmured.

“Yeah,” Isaac said softly, his hand moving slowly across Gavin’s forehead. “I asked Finn to let me bring you the ice.”

“Mmm,” Gavin moaned, and his eyes slid shut again. “Thank you.” His left eye ran tears into the sheets.

“I’m sorry you don’t feel well,” Isaac whispered. “I… didn’t know what you needed.”

“Neither did I,” Gavin mumbled. “Ice is good, though. And… and you. You’re… good.”

Isaac huffed out a laugh. “Ah. I just brought the ice—”

“But… it feels good. Thank… you.”

Isaac was silent for a moment. “Yeah, Gavin,” he said after a while.

Every heartbeat pounded in Gavin’s head. For a while, the ice helped. Gavin stirred and opened one eye, cringing when the light from the hallway stabbed into his head. “Do you… do you need to do anything else today?” he said weakly.

“I don’t have anything to do but be here with you,” Isaac whispered. “Unless you want me to go.”

“No,” Gavin sighed. “Stay… please?”

Every breath, every second, seemed to move through Gavin in slow motion. He thought back to the headaches he’d had after Isaac put him in the hospital. Those never lasted for very long, because whenever he started complaining of a headache, his mother would give him something that made him sleepy and dizzy, and he’d crawl back to bed and doze until it was over. For the first time since reaching the north, fear sunk into Gavin’s chest that if any of the team got sick – and Finn couldn’t help them – they were hundreds of miles away from the state-of-the-art hospitals that kept him alive when he’d been close to death. He curled into himself and tugged gently on his own hair, desperate for relief.

The compress on the back of his neck began to warm. Gavin whimpered, tears of frustration running from his eyes. He felt trapped in his own head, assaulted on every side by the faint light from the hallway and curtains, and by the sounds of the others somewhere else in the house.

Somewhere, in the back of his mind, was a vague memory of another cool hand on his head, a soft kiss in his hair, a low voice, soothing him as he lay in bed. Pain spiked in his head and he shoved the memory away. He didn’t need to think of her, not now.

Isaac’s hand slid down the back of his head and down his neck, under the compress. “Let me get a new one,” he said softly. The mattress bounced slightly as he stood. Gavin lay still as he walked out of the room, although all he wanted to do was to cling to Isaac, beg him to stay. The headache was getting worse.

A moment later, an eternity later, the mattress dipped again.

“Hey,” Isaac’s voice whispered, and Gavin could have sobbed with relief. “I have some tea… try some?”

Gavin moaned and obediently lifted his head. A cup pressed to his lips and he took a sip. It tasted herbal, sweet, with a hint of spice as well. There was a faint sound as Isaac put the cup on the nightstand.

“Wh-what is it?”

“Something Edrissa made,” Isaac murmured. “Tea with peppermint, lavender, ginger, rosemary, and honey. She said those herbs are good for migraine.” He pressed a fresh cold compress to Gavin’s neck.

Gavin moaned weakly. “She… tell her thank you,” he whispered.

“Hm. Maybe someday,” Isaac said. His voice sounded sad. “For right now… that tea is for Ellis, as far as she knows.”

“I hate lying to her,” Gavin whispered. “If she ever finds out, she’ll… she’ll hate me.”

The unspoken words hung in the air between them: she already hates you.

“Don’t worry about that right now,” Isaac murmured. “You can tell her once you’re better, if you really want. Right now, let’s just… focus on getting you over this. Finn already called into Burmingham to see if they carry riza— I don’t remember what it’s called. Sounds like they can order it and have it in within a week.”

“Hope I don’t get another migraine before then,” Gavin rasped, and pushed weakly into Isaac’s hands as he stroked his hair.

“Yeah,” Isaac said weakly. “Me… me too.” Isaac’s throat clicked as he swallowed. “Can I… do anything else? For you? I mean… do you need anything else?”

“I just need you,” Gavin whispered, not caring how that sounded. “Can you… can you just… I don’t know. I just want you with me.”

“I’m not going anywhere,” Isaac said gently. His hand moved down to gently massage the back of Gavin’s neck. “Is that… okay?”

“Yeah,” Gavin sighed, and shuddered as another wave of nausea rolled over him. “That’s… that’s good.”

Continued here

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[thatblondeperson]

TimSteph, taking care of chronic injuries!

Hey look, another ask that got buried! Sorry friend!!!! 

This is all preboot, RR/Batgirl era.

Ok so Tim is super extra imo when it comes to treating any kind of sickness, injury, ANYTHING. He’s the type of guy who will go to CVS and buy out the entire “cold + flu” aisle as soon a Steph gets a runny nose. He absolutely drowns her in cough drops and tissues. I can see him being extremely attentive as well. Like bringing blankets and pillows around the clock, happy to carry her from point A to point B, almost insisting to do so on occasion, and just sitting with her for as long as she desires/needs company. He absolutely pays no mind to germs. Steph can cuddle all she wants.

Steph is similar but less extra. She’s got some more classic home remedies that Tim doesn’t have. She absolutely would baby the hell out of him if he got sick though, and probably more often than not she has to put her foot down on him trying to patrol even if he’s completely out of it and burning up. Tim has a hard time relaxing, but eventually the time is used for him to catch up on sleep. Tim getting sick is like a mini-hibernation. I can see Alfred stepping in occasionally if they were both sick because Tim’s an absolute mess, and Steph can only do so much before she gets wiped out. They’re hopeless and completely out of service if they’re both ill at the same time. Error 404: Dorks not found. 

Chronic injuries are a constant process. Steph obviously has a ton just from Black Mask alone. I’m sure she gets aches and pains on the regular due to the severity of the torture she experience. Power drills would leave some lasting abdominal pain for sure. Hell, I wonder if it makes cramps worse for her? It could in all honestly. She may need serious pain meds during that time of the month which are of course always kept on hand. On top of that, the physical trauma definitely left endless mental trauma. No question about it. Not to mention that time she got lightly shot in the head. I say lightly because I forgot this was a thing because they don’t really address it again. I imagine that would cause occasional headaches/migraines, and I’m sure Tim likes to run a scan every now and again to make sure there isn’t any lasting damage. And of course, we return to the medicine cabinet for more pain pills. (Thank you @incoherentbabblings for reminding me of the gunshot.)

I headcanon that both of them get nightmares on almost the regular. They’ve both got it set that if one of them is in the middle of a bad nightmare, the other just holds them close, doing whatever they can to soothe them until the calmness sets back in. The nightmares get more spaced out some time after they move in together because I think the constant safeness of having someone beside them every night would eventually help them both sleep through the night better. It is hard to get back to sleep though. Both of them have been put through the ringer, they’ve both seen death of loved ones up close and personal, and I imagine a lot of what they’ve experienced is still very vivid and intense for them.

Tim’s got his own fair share of recurring pain. The boy doesn’t have a spleen and tbh I don’t know how he’s not getting sick more frequently. But extra precautions need to be taken to keep him from getting infections when he gets any kid of open wound, thank GOD Steph is a nurse. Tim has to be kept pretty healthy though if at all possible, which brings us back to my previous headcanon about him not caring about germs when Steph is sick? Yeah, not his smartest move, but Tim’s an idiot and forgets that he’s fragile. 

Both of them have regular joint issues. They’ve dislocated enough things for just about everything to make awful clicking sounds now and again. Steph doesn’t have as much regular muscle pain, she’s far more flexible than Tim is so she stays pretty loose and limber, but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t have to work at it every day. Steph does yoga as a part of her routine. She gets Tim to join sometimes but he’s not very good at keeping up with it. He’s flexible too but not to her level, and he locks up easier if he’s had an especially tough night. They both try to put the time in to exercise when they can, spotting each other, keeping a routine going, because given how much they both get beaten and battered on the daily, if they don’t keep up with muscle pain, it’ll just get worse. On bad days when the pain makes any mobility difficult, massages ensue. They’ve got at least 15 ice packs in the freezer at all times, and a stack of heating pads in the medicine cabinet. And if all else fails, a nice hot bubble bath never hurts. With Epsom salts and everything. Steph likes to add a touch of lavender oil.

Immediate injuries they’re both very good at treating. Steph obviously has more technical knowhow, and she is the most medically trained of all the Batfam members, but Tim is detail oriented and good at focusing when he needs to so he can keep up just fine. They’re both good at stitches and general wound treatment, but Steph is better at consistent treatment. Tim will absolutely forget to switch out his bandages or clean things because his brain is soup and he cannot be bothered to think about injuries when he’s too busy with 50 other things on the constant. He needs to slow down. We get right back into “more prone to infections” again. Alas. Idiot. 

They both have their fair share of mental health issues, though Tim’s tend to be more intense. Steph has her ways of managing her own mental state but Tim gets stuck often. He falls into some pretty deep depression spells, and his anxiety acts up fairly frequently. Steph has started teaching him how to meditate, but also has a list of distractions and special remedies that she can utilize if need be. Movies and tea are a good base line, though Tim’s mind gets very far away sometimes and it’s hard to pull him back out. Like he almost wants to wallow in his sadness. Often she just tries to ground him as best she can so he doesn’t get so lost that he can’t come back. Steph likes to make sure that he isn’t always using patrol as a crutch for when he’s feeling upset or tense. It’s hard to sway him away from more pain when he lets himself get so close to the edge. It breaks her heart, sometimes she feels helpless.

Steph has anxiety as well, and some psychosomatic tics from her past abuse. She needs a lot of reassurance and gentleness when her mind starts racing. She’s still prone to trust issues, even now when she’s surrounded herself with stable people. She’s been let down and she fears losing her steady ground sometimes. Tim, let’s face it, hasn’t been the most reliable in the past, but I firmly believe that with some growing up he’d step up to the plate and try to be a solid home base for her to the best of his abilities. He’s not going anywhere anytime soon. He’s very good at being gentle. That’s canon as fuck. I will die on the hill that Tim is as delicate with Steph as one would be with a priceless porcelain heirloom. Fight me, the boy would never intentionally try to physically or mentally hurt her. He tries so hard to reassure her but I thinks he feels a little helpless sometimes too. Some of her trust issues are his fault, and he can’t just snap his fingers and reverse his mistakes. He tries his best, but there will always be scars. 

All in all, I think they’re both very tender and caring with one another. They’re both beyond broken sometimes, and they are a mess and a half. But they know each other, they know each others pain and sadness and I think once they got back together they’d settle very easily into a care routine. Both of them are carrying the weight of countless consequences and mistakes and hardship on their shoulders. Pain is just a side affect that comes with carrying so much baggage, but it’s a little easier to manage when they have each other for support. I do think some of it would get easier over time, and my wish for them is that they can move somewhere just outside the city, maybe by a lake. Far enough away that things are quiet, but not so far that they would completely leave the hero gig behind. I agree with the consensus that neither of them could fully quit. Tim would just sink into the background, but Steph would be out there in the field for many years. Justas long as they have somewhere safe and comfortable to return to, I think they’ll both be just fine. Plus smooches are the best fallback medicine for all ailments and we all know that they never run out of those. 😘💋

THANK YOU FOR THIS ASK! More than half of this was not anything to do with chronic injuries but fuck it. We’ve tapped into the hurt/comfort section of my brain and there is a lot of material there to work with. Idk when you sent this in but I hope it wasn’t too long ago. I hope this answered more questions than you ever intended to ask. 💜❤

[kaiunkaiku]

Sickdays 6, May 21st: Noisy

Fandom: MCU

Summary: "He considers trying to find his phone and calling Bruce because really, even if he’s no stranger to debilitating aches this is getting too much even for him. But that would mean talking, or looking at a screen, and both concepts are awful."

Warnings: Tony sucks at taking care of himself, mentions of needles, the whole thing is just a migraine fic

IT’S STILL THE 21ST IN AMERICA SO I’M TECHNICALLY NOT LATE

For @taylortut

Ao3

The world is so goddamn loud. 

It’s really not, he knows, but his ears have lost that memo somewhere, buried under the mountains of work littering the surfaces in the lab. Tony presses his hands harder on his ears as the soft, mechanical whirring of automated processes in his lab slices into his brain. He’s already resigned himself to painkillers, but that was hours ago and his head is still splitting in two, every noise and every glinting light making it exponentially worse. 

He doesn’t know what time it is; he doesn’t even know what day it is. He muted JARVIS when everything was starting to get too much so he can’t ask him, because unmuting him sounds like a world of pain. He has no idea how long it’s been. He feels like he’s been in pain forever. 

(He has been in pain forever, but this specific pain has probably lasted significantly less than that.)

He’s tired as hell. He can’t sleep because his head hurts like hell. He would probably feel better if he could fall asleep. 

He considers trying to find his phone and calling Bruce because really, even if he’s no stranger to debilitating aches this is getting too much even for him. But that would mean talking, or looking at a screen, and both concepts are awful. He found out some time ago that even his own voice grates at his ears. Hours ago? Maybe? Days? How long has it been? 

His thought process isn’t what it should be. It’s halting every few steps, sometimes crumbling altogether, and he can’t string two coherent thoughts together even when he can make them separately. Sleep deprivation, probably. Maybe dehydration. Definitely a migraine. He’s gonna throw up if he tries to put anything in his mouth, water included. 

Turns out, he doesn’t have to venture away from his ratty couch in search for his phone after all, even if the idea is sounding increasingly tempting while also sounding absolutely dreadful, because at some point of Tony wallowing in his misery the door to his lab opens and someone walks in. The footsteps sound like bombs going off in his head.

“Tony?” Bruce’s voice is low, not quite a whisper but almost, but Tony can’t suppress the groan he makes at the stab the word takes at his brain anyway. 

“There you are. Talk to me.” Tony cracks one eye open and comes face to face with Bruce hovering over him. A warm hand is placed on his forehead; it feels both comforting and painful, the act itself welcome but the contact burning on his hypersensitive skin. 

“Hi there, Brucie,” Tony breathes out, letting his eye fall back shut. “Nothing to talk about. Jus’ a headache.” He tries to give Bruce a crooked smile, but he’s fairly sure it comes out as a grimace. 

“Tony, nobody has seen you in three days. You muted JARVIS sixteen hours ago. He’s been freaking out a bit.” That long? Huh. “That’s not just a headache. Have you taken anything for it? When’s the last time you drank water?” 

Tony presses the heels of his palms to his eyes and takes a deep breath. Exhales slowly through his mouth. Bruce’s hand on his forehead shifts, moves closer to his hairline and travels into his hair. It’s probably greasy and disgusting as hell. If he’s been in his lab for three days he probably hasn’t showered in at least four. 

Right. Bruce asked him something. 

“Dunno,” he mumbles. Was there something else? Yeah, the painkillers. “Uh, took a few pills at some point. Didn’t help. Time’s all,” he makes a wavy gesture with one hand that bumps into Bruce’s arm,” screwy.”

“I bet,” Bruce huffs. Tony gets the feeling he’s smiling a little. “You should be in medical, but the place is a nightmare.” The hand disappears from his hair. Tony is inclined to agree – he avoids doctors other than Bruce whenever he can already, and SHIELD medical is its own kind of hell. The lights are always too bright, there are people bustling around, and he’s had several anxiety attacks there. So. Not a fan. Especially now.

“So how about my lab instead?” Bruce asks. Places his hand on Tony’s shoulder so that he can rest his fingers at his throat and feel his pulse. “I think we need to get some stronger painkillers in you.” Tony can picture Bruce’s expressions in his head. It’s nice to have something to focus on, besides the pain, even if it is exhausting. 

Bruce takes his hand and pinches his skin lightly. “And water. You’re dehydrated.” 

“I will throw up anything you put into my mouth and I will pass out if I stand up,” Tony says. His voice is hoarse; scratchy. If it were anyone else he would be vehemently denying everything and anything, but Bruce is… Bruce. Bruce has been an exception for a while, now. There’s something soothing about having an exception. And the possibility of feeling better sounds awesome. 

“You know that means an IV,” Bruce warns gently. 

“I know,” Tony says. He contemplates his next words for a moment, waits through the surge of anxiety it brings to say them sincerely, to really mean them. “I trust you.” It’s difficult. It makes him hold his breath for a tad longer than he needs to in order to keep the pain in check. 

(Nothing’s keeping the pain in check, really. But deep, controlled breaths do a little.)

Bruce takes his hand and squeezes. 

It’s quickly determined that he, in fact, cannot stand at all – can’t even sit up. The attempt leaves him shaky, makes his blood roar in his ears (why does even his own body have be so goddamn loud, please, make it stop–), and requires Bruce to think about an alternative solution. 

He suggests moving the equipment down to Tony’s lab. 

“Clint’s hanging around, I can have him help me carry the equipment,” he says. “Thor and Steve are also here, and I think Sam is, too.”

“No Rhodey?”  Tony asks. 

“No Rhodey,” Bruce confirms. “Sorry.”

Rhodey would be his first choice for everything, always. He’s the one person that has stuck with Tony all these years, more family to him than anyone else. But Rhodey has his own life that doesn’t revolve around Tony, so he can’t always be there. Barton is the least horrible choice out of the rest of the Avengers, having seen him running on caffeine fumes with a migraine before. He doesn’t need Thor’s booming voice, and he especially doesn’t need Rogers and his condescending hovering.

“Barton it is, then. Can you turn off the lights?” 

Bruce squeezes his hand again, and turns off the lights as he exits. 

With Bruce gone, Tony is left alone with his blinding, brain-splitting headache. His fingers crack as he presses them to his eyes, and it’s like fireworks right by his ears. There’s a clock, somewhere. Why does he have a clock that ticks? Why would he ever get an analog clock? Pepper’s doing? Is the god-awful ticking even a clock? 

He has no idea how long Bruce is gone, but this time the door opens and there are two sets of steps walking in, accompanied by the clinking of medical equipment. Tony squeezes his eyes shut and moves his hands to cover his ears. Bruce starts setting up what he needs, giving quiet instructions to Barton who quietly does what he’s told. The lights are on again, but Tony finds that far less of an issue than the steps and the clinking and the talking and the ticking and the whirring echoing in his ears. 

Then Bruce turns to Tony. He takes his wrist and gets him ready so he can stick a needle into him, and calmly talks through the entire thing. He explains what he’s doing step by step, pausing for a while to give Tony a moment to calm down when everything gets too much for a second. Bruce lists the chemicals he’s going to be injecting into him, and finally picks up a woven blanket from the backrest of the couch and settles it on Tony. 

It doesn’t take long for the painkillers to kick in. Bruce dismisses Barton, who shuts the lights off as he leaves, and picks up a StarkPad from a nearby table as he settles on a chair. Tony can feel the the pain first shifting, and then starting to dissipate – it’s like it drains away and reveals a slightly soggy but mostly functional train of thought. 

He’s exhausted. He knew that already, of course, but the absence of pain leaves him with a chance to actually fall asleep. 

So he does. 

[ninjanonymous]

I’m pissed off, and sad, and scared, and I have a lot to say right now. This all needs to be said, for my own sake if not for anyone else’s.

Very recently, the Supreme Court ruled 7-2 that employers under the Affordable Care Act are now allowed to roll back access to birth control for their employees, as long as their religion disagrees with it. This ruling was made in the name of religious tyranny, and NOT that of religious freedom. Christian-run businesses can now force their beliefs onto their employees by actively denying them the healthcare that they very much need.

Can you imagine the outrage there would be if SCOTUS decided that it was suddenly okay for a Muslim-run business to break FLSA standards during Ramadan? After all, if a Christian-run business shouldn’t be forced to pay for all ACA-protected aspects of an employee’s healthcare, why should a Muslim-run business have to sacrifice profits when eating lunch during Ramadan is against their religion?

“Oh, but there are federal protections to keep something like that from happening.” Are there? Are there really? The ACA gave employees FEDERALLY PROTECTED access to birth control through their employers, because an employer’s religious beliefs shouldn’t be used to control the freedoms or hurt the wellbeing of others. Now look where we are.

This court ruling essentially dictates that religion can make you exempt from federally-mandated rules for the sake of profit. It puts the employer’s beliefs above the beliefs and wellbeing of their employees. It puts any company’s self-proclaimed God over the law, and allows them to forgo worker protections because, according to them, it’s what Jesus would want.

And where do we draw the line? Should a company that’s run by a Jehovah’s Witness be allowed to deny coverage for a needed blood transfusion? Can a religious company claim that any illness is a righteous punishment from God, and the use of modern medicine to treat it would be sinful? What would that mean for something as devastatingly expensive as cancer treatment? What if the CEO doesn’t agree with vaccines? And really, why even stop at access to healthcare when there are any number of ways that a company could encroach on their worker’s rights in the name of God?

Too many people in this country are entirely dependent on their employers for their health insurance. Healthcare costs in America are the highest in the western world by far, and life-saving treatment is often prohibitively expensive without it. This SCOTUS decision may ultimately deny many Americans their constitutional right to life.

Employers pay private insurance companies to provide care for their employees. This is a blanket expense. They don’t get an itemized bill for the healthcare that they’re covering. They’re paying for general healthcare coverage to be provided by insurance company, and that’s it. The employers are not the insurance companies themselves. They are not the ones processing the claims and choosing which to deny and which to cover. Your medical record is private, protected information. Your employer does not have access to that information under HIPAA. If your employer isn’t allowed in the room with you during your doctor’s appointment, they absolutely shouldn’t be allowed to pick and choose what care you can and can’t receive.

These companies are literally just saying, “see that person right there? I don’t like that they’re on birth control, because I’M a Christian, and that’s against MY beliefs, so now THEY can’t have it.” A Christian forcing their beliefs onto someone else isn’t religious freedom, just like a Muslim forcing their beliefs onto a Christian wouldn’t be. This is religious tyranny the and Christian-backed persecution of women.

And for this specific ruling, it really is that arbitrary. This ruling is a poorly-disguised move to further strip away the rights of women in the name of Abrahamic theocracy. The idea that this decision would save money for these employers is completely asinine, considering good reproductive healthcare and access to birth control reduces long-term costs overall (I will be adding the stats and sources to back this up in a later post).

And here’s an important reminder for you all: reproductive healthcare is still basic healthcare. Taking care of one’s needs regarding their reproductive system benefits their overall health. And even if you disagree with me there, “birth control” is a pretty damn big misnomer. While it is commonly used to prevent unwanted pregnancies, there are a myriad of other reasons that a woman might need it for.

Birth control can control hormonal acne. My own mother was put on it for this reason back when she was a teenager.

It can be used to help regulate one’s mood. A dear friend of mine is on it for this reason. She suffers from severe depression, occasionally to the point of suicidal ideation. I am fucking terrified about what this court decision could mean for her.

It reduces one’s chances of getting uterine cancer. I have a family history of uterine cancer, and it can be hard to detect. They only found it in my grandmother by chance when they were performing an unrelated surgery.

It reduces your chances of forming ovarian cysts. Women with PCOS often suffer from these, and they can be quite painful. My mother had to have a football-sized ovarian cyst removed from her abdomen, and histology found that it contained pre-cancerous cells.

It can relieve symptoms of PMS and PMDD. Again, this is a form of hormonal mood regulation, as well as a means of controlling many of the unfortunate physical side effects of the menstrual cycle. PMS and PMDD are often topics of ridicule, but their symptoms can have a serious negative impact on one’s day-to-day life. I’ll add more information on this later, since there’s a lot to cover.

It can help regulate one’s menstrual cycle. For reasons I shouldn’t have to explain, knowing when blood and viscera is going to start pouring out of your crotch really helps with being prepared to deal with it. It also helps to avoid really embarrassing situations in public, or the need to clean bloodstains out of clothes and furniture. Irregular periods are a gruesome guessing game. I’ve been there. I don’t want to go back.

It can make your periods less painful. Periods happen when, once a month, the uterus sheds its inner lining. As in, the person having their period is bleeding internally, because one of their organs is shredding and expelling parts of itself from the inside. That shit hurts. Many women have reported vomiting or passing out from period pain. For me, the average period cramp can be compared to really bad gas or diarrhea pain. You know, the kind that has you breaking out into cold sweats on the toilet while you silently beg for mercy to any god that might be listening. Fun, right? I’d recon my pain level is about the average, too.

It can be used to manage menstrual migraines. Did you know some women get migraines in conjunction with their periods? Migraines are debilitating. Imagine having them chronically, getting them frequently around the same time every month, then being denied affordable access to the one medicine that was keeping it in check because your asshole boss says that Jesus wants you to suffer. Bonus points if you get fired because the migraines had a negative impact on your ability to work.

It can reduce your risk of anemia. Some women get really heavy periods. Like, crazy heavy, to the point where they bleed so much that it’s unhealthy. Technically speaking, I fall into this camp. I’d hemorrhage to the point of needing a transfusion if I went long enough without birth control. Gee, I sure hope the insurance-throttling company that I work for isn’t run by a Jehovah’s Witness.

Birth control is the only non-invasive way to control uterine fibroids, which often go hand-in-hand with endometriosis. These are non-cancerous growths within or around the uterus can cause uncontrolled bleeding, and may be quite painful in and of themselves. A ridiculously high number of women have this, myself included. Most women that have them have no or very few symptoms. I was not so lucky.

And that’s just a few of birth control’s many uses. And actually, let me talk about my fibroids some more for a second, just so you all have a better idea of what it means to live with this shit. TMI time. I take birth control. I’ve been taking it regularly for about five years now. I’ve never had sex before, and I don’t plan on it any time soon. This is the one and only reason I’m on the pill.

Five years ago, during my freshman year of college, I started bleeding out of the blue. Really, really badly. This “spotting” was sudden, and heavy, and unrelenting. I’d completely bleed through a super tampon in less than two hours, when one of those would last a good eight hours on my heaviest day during a normal period. I had to sleep with towels on the bed, and set an alarm to wake up early so I could take deal with the shed blood before it got too bad, and to give myself extra time for cleanup before classes. After going from horizontal to vertical for the first time in several hours, getting to the bathroom was a race against time and gravity.

I lived like this for a full month. Tampons and pads, for those of you that have had the privilege of never needing to buy them, can get really pricey. Doubly so for a broke college student, triply so when they need to be extra-large packs containing extra-large products, and quadruple-y so when that broke college student is still managing to bleed through those products at an absurd rate. And, it hurt. The pain was worse than usual; the camps were sharper, more persistent, and sometimes it felt like someone was jabbing a big needle into my abdomen and twisting it around. I was taking OTC painkillers constantly, and they barely made a dent in the pain.

The bleeding started just over a week after my last period had ended, so it was way too early for it to be my next cycle. I figured that maybe my cycle was syncing up to my roommate, or some other chick on my floor had some weird hormonal imbalance, and the outside interference from other people’s hormones was screwing with me enough to make my own body act weird. I figured I’d just have to wait out this one bad period, and everything would settle back down to normal. But, two weeks passed and absolutely nothing changed. The bleeding wasn’t slowing down, and I started to get worried that it wasn’t just an abnormal period. I waited a couple more days, then booked an appointment at the health center. It was more than a week until they could see me.

The consensus was fibroids. They couldn’t give me an official diagnosis without an ultrasound, but all signs pointed to that one conclusion. They said that the only way to make the bleeding stop was by taking birth control. I wasn’t happy about it, since my mom had me convinced that birth control would actually increase my risk of cancer (not true, as I later found out), but I agreed anyway. The nightmare was over a few days later.

So, off topic but still related, I had surgery on my foot a couple months ago. It had to be immobilized for a while, and I was put on blood thinners to prevent any clots from forming while I recovered. Birth control pills can actually increase the risk of blood clots, so I made the choice to hold off on taking those for a while, just as an added precaution. Sure enough, only five days later, the bleeding and the pain was back. Again, it had been only a week since my last period.

I still need to be on birth control. It is a medical necessity for me. My fibroids are still around, and I’ll still spot and cramp up if I miss a pill. I’ve recently been told by my doctor that a permanent fix, and my only other option for treatment, is a hysterectomy. I am 22 years old. Most surgeons would never dream about performing that procedure on me, even if it didn’t already come with its own health risks.

And hell, even if it is used just to prevent pregnancies, what gives someone else the right to deny a woman her bodily autonomy? Human beings are sexual creatures. They’re going to fuck, regardless of whatever laws or religious doctrines are involved. We are quite literally built to have sex, and it’s entirely healthy to do so. There are plenty of peer-reviewed studies that go into detail on the matter; just hop onto Google Scholar and see for yourself. And, maybe, preventing pregnancy is a need in and of itself. What if a woman has a condition that would make pregnancy extremely high-risk? Is she not justified in taking birth control to protect herself from grievous injury? If she’s married to a man, does that married couple not have a right to sleep together without fear of one of them literally dying for it? Even by Christian standards, it doesn’t seem right.

This decision that the Supreme Court has made is utterly shameful, and countless law-abiding American citizens will now be denied access to needed care that they otherwise couldn’t afford without insurance coverage. This is truly a loss for America and her people, and one that will cause suffering for decades to come.

[dead--girls--club]

My life with chronic migraines

I have chronic migraines! So does my mother. So does my grandmother and apparently so did my great grandmother. Shit sucks.

To clarify, I’m 19, I was officially diagnosed with chronic migraines a year and a half ago. I’ve been going to doctors and neurologists since i was in 5th grade. When I was younger, I would get a really bad headache and I could take ibuprofen and it would go away. Now, I’m not even allowed to take ibuprofen bc my body has gained a dangerously high tolerance to it. In about, 10th grade, my headaches got worse, like, so much worse. I also have endometriosis, so my migraines were always “part of endometriosis” and not it’s own issue. By second semester of 11th grade I was going to school about, 2-3 days out of the week. My senior year I dropped out before second semester to go to a technical school, thinking it would be better (it wasn’t) By that point I had been put on a birth control that cause me to become seriously ill and caused my migraines to become worse. I then dropped out of technical college 4 months into it. My migraines have always been brushed off as me being “over dramatic” or “faking it”. I heard “be realistic, you couldn’t of had a migraine for 2 weeks straight” (that migraine turned into a 2 month long ordeal) I lost friends because I was just, never there, or when I was, I was in blistering pain. I still think that, even tho I have doctors who know I’m telling the truth and have documentation of my illness, a majority of people think I’m lying. When I get a migraine, doesn’t matter where, I’m sensitive to sound, light and I become claustrophobic. I become intensely depressed or angry or uncomfortable. If the migraine is behind my eyes, I’ve described the pain as a “ice pick lobotomy”. It feels like begging my eyes are being stabbed, this migraine are the ones where I can barely see. If the migraine is close to my ears, I won’t be about to hear. At all. With any migraine, my body will hurt, I’ll become insanely nauseous and dizzy. Sometimes I’ll have such a bad migraine that I can’t fall asleep. Or I’ll sleep for 18+ hours. I’ve been put on over 23 medications, just for my migraines. I’ve had 2 different injection medications. To help the migraine caused by menstruating, I’ve been put onto 7 different birth controls. Because my migraines start with auras, I cannot take any hormonal birth control (or I might have a seizure).  I see a neurologist, about every 3 months. Depending on how I’m doing. I also get MRI’s about twice a year. I’m writing this because I’m hoping, someone will learn something from my experience. I’m hoping that people who know me, won’t just brush me off when I say I’m in pain. Because my migraine pain can knock you guys out cold. There’s no “cure” to chronic migraines. My current neurologist says that migraines are most common among artists and intensely smart people. So I guess it’s cool to know I’m either smart or creative😂 thanks for reading my long post.

Also fun fact, I’ve started calling my migraines “spicy headaches” bc it makes me and my boyfriend laugh.

[jayne-hecate-writer]

Ducati and Lego...

Things are getting weird with Lego of late, from bad decisions regarding the sources of Technic models, to crunchy gear boxes and then this, the Ducati Panigale V4 R…

From the get go, I was really excited by the prospect of the Technic Ducati. The box looked great, with the model on the front looking really exciting, thanks to the clever and beautiful photography. I had to have one and I argued with myself for several days about spending a significant amount of my severely limited resources on what is in effect a silly, children’s toy. When it came to ordering, we were in the middle of Covid lockdown, Lego were sold out and Amazon was stating that toy orders would take six to eight weeks to deliver, it was not looking good. However, through on line shopping and a little bit of time on google, I found me a toy shop in Northern England that had one in stock and for a good price too.

Now let me tell you a little story, several years ago I was working part time for a national bicycle franchise here in the UK, it was the busy pre-Christmas, super busy sales time and I was on my own in the bike department. I sold a kids bike and the new owner wanted to take it away in a box. I went out the back to the storeroom and tried to retrieve the bike box from a pile stacked up on a shelf, which collapsed on me, crushing a nerve in my neck and right arm. The pain did not not start right away, instead it built up in intensity until I was struggling to take deep breaths had to ask my boss to take me to hospital. I was X-Rayed, poked, prodded and suddenly strapped down hard to a table when a Doctor found shadow across one of my vertebrate that indicated that I had broken my neck! Luckily, it was not broken and I have no idea what that little dark line on the X-Ray image of my tiny bone was. The damage was done though and the nerve that runs from my neck, down my arm and through my elbow was permanently damaged. I was given a lot of medical treatment, went through an awful lot of pain and I was off work for three months because of the injury and grew extremely bored and depressed. The relief to my suffering came in a surprising fashion, when my partner picked up for me, a Lego Technic motorbike to build.

That little Lego motorbike was a revelation, it looked great, it worked brilliantly and it came with instructions to build a second model from the same kit. The kit came with stickers and the whole thing was a bright orange colour that resembled a KTM motocross bike. Days later, e-Bay brought me a bright green one that despite not being as good, was still fabulous and my addiction to Lego, a hobby I started as a child and had put aside as an adult, came back and bit me hard. For me, Lego Technic motorbikes will always be a little bit special because when I cannot ride my own, I can at least build one out of Lego which I enjoy rather than wasting a couple of hours watching brain dead TV or feeling worthless and bored.

Which brings me right up to date. My injured arm and hand never fully recovered, despite hours of physio and exercise. Other injuries came and I was soon left disabled and with a rapidly growing Lego Technic collection. These days, I am an AFOL spend my time building MOC ( Adult Fan of Lego and My Own Creation for non Lego people) machines of varying kinds, although I really enjoy big heavy trucks for some reason. I rarely buy a Technic kit these days, preferring to buy the parts I want in order to construct a particular model. So for me to buy a whole set, means that it is special.

The box of the Ducati does an awesome job of selling the model, it has a photo of the real bike on the back and they go to great lengths to take photos of the Lego model from all of its very best angles. They have also made some new parts specifically for this set and they are pretty good. The new USD suspension forks look amazing and they actually work. The disk rotors look cool. The new wide rear tyres is awesome and looks the part and it is not hard to imagine this machine riding around a race track, but we will come to that later.

However, on closer inspection, there are some gaping holes in the Ducati that in my opinion leave it looking unfinished. The front forks really are great, but with out a front hugger or even brake calipers it just looks wrong, like there is a big chunk missing from the front of the model. Then we come to the windscreen, which is a soft piece of fogged up plastic film that fits so badly, it is a wonder it was ever signed off by the Ducati engineers! The V-4 engine and working gear box do nothing simply because you cannot see them, rendering the visual impact of the moving engine parts pointless. The final drive for the fake motor from the rear wheel is by a little white elastic band which to my view is a bit disappointing. Then came my biggest bugbear of all. The sheer number of stickers the builder needs to attach. I will make no secret of the fact that I thoroughly hate stickers on Lego parts for the following reasons. Firstly, they can be an absolute bastard to fit accurately. Secondly, they tend to peel off over time or lift a corner and get furry with dust which makes them look even worse. Finally, heavily stickered up pieces prevent you from using the pieces in other MOC constructions. At least with printed pieces, the final model actually looks great for display, even if you cannot use the printed parts elsewhere. Stickers are just a massive pain in the arse and some of the stickers on this set are tiny, so I refused to fit them, meaning that the final model looks a bit flat and dull. Yes, this is my fault for not using the stickers, but we get onto a circular argument here.

With the model finished and sat on my desk, I was, I have to admit, feeling a little disappointed. Then it fell over. Unlike other Technic bikes that have gone before, this bike has no side stand. Instead it comes with a paddock stand, which does not fit well or work properly. The finished model is so unstable that it has to be balanced just right to stop it falling over, meaning that it is also not a good model for display for both the practical and aesthetic reasons. The handle bars are designed to look like real clip on bars, they are very prettily done and there is even a brake fluid reservoir for the front brake… But no brake lever. Similarly, the rear fluid reservoir is present, but again, no brake pedal. Yes, I know that these are small points to make, but when the designer has gone to the effort to add tiny details, why omit the actual main bits that require the small details?

Sadly, this model is deeply flawed and the front screen is the final insult. This scrap of plastic film is held in place by two bright red Ninjago swords, leaving a five millimetre gap on either side. No matter what I tried, I could not get it to sit nicely and the foggy plastic looked awful anyway. The under engine exhaust gets a similar lacklustre treatment and the huge double bend pipe work looks out of scale. The real shame here is that the actual front fairing of this model is a thing of beauty that looks suitably menacing. But with the lack of front guard below and the pathetic screen above, it ends up looking like a nasty custom from a bad biker build off show. There was so much potential for this model to be amazing and Lego seemed to cut too many corners with the final result. For example, the front disk rotors are beautifully designed, but why are they moulded in standard light stone grey? They should have been done in a beautiful pearl silver. The bad screen is simply unforgivable, but there is a fix to this and it involves a clear plastic bottle, a pair of scissors and fifteen minutes to get it to sit just right! The useless paddock stand is annoying and having built my own in the past for custom models, I know how much easier they are to make.

What about the bikes that came before this one? To be honest, the not quite a Triumph Street Triple is still my favourite. It is so clearly a model of the Triumph modern classic, one has to ask why it did not have an official endorsement, especially given that it was and remains one of the most beautiful motorbikes in the Technic range. It also comes with some printed pieces too, making the final model even more beautiful.

The big BMW GS1200 is an ugly brute of a bike in reality, but the Lego model of it is fabulous with the unique telelever suspension and huge pannier boxes... even if the flat twin engine is a bit lame looking with a huge gap between cylinder and head.

The truth is that no Technic motorbike will ever be perfect, although the Street triple does come very close. Compared to these, the Ducati feels like a rushed and unfinished model, which is a real shame given (and I say this a dedicated Suzuki owner) the absolute beauty of the real thing.

So, what can I do next with this bloody thing, it’s not like I can chuck a motor on it and set it off across the car park like I can do with the Corvette they released this year, is it? Wellllllll…. It would be rude not to try and this has been for a while now, an on going project for me to build an actual working Lego Motorbike, running on Technic Power functions kit. To date and prior to this new Ducati, I have had a single working prototype model that was able to ride and steer just like a real motorcycle. A moving weighted brick causes the bike to lean over, which steers the bike. As the weight moves back, the bike stands up again and continues in a straight line. It is not yet perfect and I have lost it under a couple of cars as I experiment. I tried to modify the Ducati chassis to accept this steering and drive set up of a pair of motors and a battery pack and the result was more ugly than me with a post migraine hangover, having woken up with my head covered in drool!

Sadly, the chain drive could not deliver the power needed to spin the wheel fast enough with enough torque to propel the bike, so I had to resort to a shaft drive on both sides of the wheel replacing the swing arm. By the time I was finished, the final bike looked like a cheap Fake Lego rip off and when I tested it on the smooth tarmac of the car park, it fell over after moving less than a foot!

So that is it for me. I give up. I have tried time and time again and I simply cannot make a working model Ducati motorcycle using Power Functions. If you look on You Tube, others have made working models  and I have no idea how they have done it. One person has used a Buwhizz unit, which over volts the motors giving the bike a real blast of speed. But for those of you with a Physics mind, the way a bike works is super intricate and has nothing at all to do with centrifugal force (yes, I am aware that this is a misnomer, but it has been used for decades to explain a complicated process). Do go and look up how motorbikes steer and balance because the in-depth science of it is fascinating. No really, it is fantastic and for years I have thought so wrongly about how it all works. In the mean time, if any of you out there can figure out how to make a Power Functions controlled motorbike, I shall take my hat off to you. You are clearly a better builder than I.

[omgrachwrites]

Ocean Avenue (Bucky Barnes)

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x OC

Summary: When Darcie Baker - the daughter of a police officer - breaks her misfit friend’s heart at 16 she regrets it everyday even after she graduates though she knows she can’t go back and change what happened. Everything changes when over 10 years later she meets the gorgeous mechanic.

Warnings: fluff, mentions of sex, angst but not really??

Words: 2054

A/N: Hey guys, hope you’re all living your best lives! Can you believe we’re on part fourteen already?! There is probably only going to be about five more parts so I hope you enjoy this part and please let me know what you think! I love you all very much xxx

Part Fourteen

Four months had passed since the night on the beach and Darcie couldn’t be happier than she was right now, she’d met her soulmate and she’d managed to miraculously snag a weekend off of work. Though, there was one thing that was worrying her and it had been for a while, she hadn’t been on her period for about a month and a half, though that could have been down to stress – she certainly hoped so. However, to be on the safe side she’d bought a pregnancy test to take, she was very sure that everything would be okay. After all, she hadn’t got any symptoms just yet.

When Bucky snuffled like a baby in his sleep Darcie was pulled out of her intruding thoughts and she grinned down at the angelic man sleeping beside her. His long thick eyelashes made shadows on his cheeks and his hair splayed around his head like a halo. Darcie dropped a light kiss on his forehead before she slid out from underneath the warm covers and she padded into the bathroom to take her test.

She peed on the little stick and placed the pregnancy test on the counter as she bit into her bottom lip and paced the length of the bathroom, trying to distract herself and she threw some cold water onto her face. The alarm that she’d set on her phone beeped, signalling that the agonising two minutes were up. She mustered all the strength and courage that she had and she got up to wander over to the bathroom counter and picked up the pregnancy test. Taking a deep breath, she nervously looked down at the results, gasping as she saw the little blue plus on the tiny screen. Darcie was pregnant.

A sudden wave of sickness washed over her before she bent over the toilet to throw up into it. Grimacing, she wiped her mouth and held her stomach; she didn’t know how she was going to even begin to tell Bucky. There was no doubt in her mind that he’d make the best father but they hadn’t got to the part where they had talked about having kids. Darcie had to be 100% sure before she said anything to anybody so she shot a message over to Peggy to book an appointment. She decided that she would tell Peggy about her suspicions in person; she couldn’t explain it over a text message. She shook her head quickly and stuffed the pregnancy test in the bin, covering it with toilet roll and makeup wipes, technically she wasn’t lying to Bucky but she still felt a little bit guilty.

“Baby?” Bucky’s tired voice sounded through the bathroom door, making her jump, “come back to bed,” he whined and Darcie giggled, she could practically hear the pout in his voice.

“Coming handsome,” she smiled, flushing the toilet as he checked her reflection, making sure that she wasn’t too pale before opening the door to a gorgeous half naked Bucky with tired eyes.

He made grabby hands at her and he wrapped his arms around her waist, resting his head in the crook of her neck. Darcie giggled before wrapping her arms around his shoulders as she walked him backwards towards the bed. Bucky huffed out a laugh as Darcie landed on his chest, knocking the wind out of him. Darcie giggled down at him as she placed her hands on his warm chest and she leaned down to kiss him gently. Out of habit Bucky’s hands found the curve of her hips and he eagerly kissed her back. They were interrupted when Darcie’s cell phone rang and Bucky mumbled against her lips.

“Baby, please ignore it,” he pouted when she pulled away from him and kissed his nose with an apologetic look.

“I’m sorry gorgeous, it might be important,” she reached for her phone and checked the caller ID before she picked the phone up, “hey mom,” she greeted and got up off of Bucky, running a hand through her messy tangle of hair, “how are you?”

“I’m fine thank you my darling. How are you?” her mom’s voice sounded chipper and cheery but that was just to mask the nervous undertones.

Darcie chewed her lip and thought back to the earlier events of the day and the positive test result swam in her mind, “y-yeah mom, I’m great! So, how come you’re calling this early?” there was a second of hesitation and it was so quiet on her mom’s end of the phone that Darcie swore that she could hear her mom swallow nervously, “mom?” Darcie prompted.

“Your Aunt Katie is back in town with Pierre, her husband, they’re coming round tonight for dinner and Katie wants to meet Bucky. Your father isn’t too happy about it but Katie always gets her own way.”

Darcie sighed and turned round to face Bucky who was watching her with confused eyes, “so, you’re inviting Bucky and I over for dinner tonight?” she asked, raising an eyebrow at Bucky, seeing if he wanted to. Bucky shrugged his shoulders and nodded, making a non-committal noise; if they didn’t go then Darcie would never hear the end of this from Katie. Katie would think that she didn’t even have a boyfriend, “what time mom?”

“About half 6 baby, that okay?”

“Yeah, that’s fine. Mom listen, I gotta go okay? I’ll see you later, I love you.”

“Love you too Darc, see the both of you tonight,” her mom replied and Darcie could hear the overwhelming relief in her voice, did she expect Darcie to make a scene or something? Darcie smiled and hung up the phone before joining Bucky back on the bed, resting her head on his chest.

“So, dinner with your parents tonight?” he asked uneasily as he traced circles into the skin of her shoulder.

“Yeah, my Aunt wants to meet you. But if you really don’t want to then I can call my mom right back an-“her rambling was cut off by Bucky kissing her deeply.

“We’ll go baby, don’t worry. It’ll be fine.”

Bucky and Darcie had planned on going out for breakfast that morning but after a couple of rounds of incredible sex they decided that they couldn’t be bothered to move from the bed. So they settled on chocolate chip pancakes smothered with bacon grease instead. Darcie almost moaned when Bucky licked the grease off of his fingers and she was almost ready to jump his bones again but somehow she managed to restrain herself.

Meanwhile, she received a text off of Peggy telling her that she had an opening in a couple of hours’ time and she hoped that Darcie was okay. Darcie’s heart lurched in her chest and it dropped to the pit of her stomach as she read the words on the screen. Earlier it had seemed like such a good idea to get an appointment with Peggy but now she’d rather not know. Bucky must have seen the frown on her face because she felt a pair of warm, slightly chapped lips press against her forehead. She looked up from her cell phone to see Bucky’s beaming face and he offered her a cheeky wink.

“Are you okay baby? It looked like you went somewhere just now,” Bucky smiled, pulling her into his arms, his chin resting on her shoulder and Darcie quickly exited out of the message app on her phone.

“Yeah, I’m fine baby,” Darcie closed her eyes contently as he ran his fingers through her hair.

“What have you got planned before the dreaded dinner tonight baby?” he chuckled and Darcie chewed her lip and shrugged nonchalantly.

“I’ve got an appointment at the hospital because I haven’t been feeling too great,” she paused when Bucky’s arms tightened around her slightly, “what about you?”

“Do you need me to come with you to your appointment?” Bucky asked and Darcie shook her head, he couldn’t come with her, “well, I’ll probably try and actually get some work done for once,” he chuckled and Darcie turned her head slightly to kiss him on the cheek.

“You know I love you, no matter what happens right?” she asked him and Bucky nodded, giving her a strange look.

“I know you do baby, and I love you too.”

Nerves were causing havoc in Darcie’s stomach as she sat in the room where Peggy was going to be giving her the ultrasound. Hopefully she was just feeling off from nerves and it wasn’t morning sickness or anything like that. Darcie wanted children but not right now, she wasn’t ready. She was too focused on her career at the minute to be worried about having to raise a kid. After a couple more minutes the door opened and Peggy walked in with a smile on her face.

“Sorry about that sweetie,” she said as she sat down, “now, what’s the problem honey?”

“Remember a couple of months ago when I needed antibiotics for my migraines?” she continued when Peggy nodded, “well because of the medication it stopped my pill from working. I stupidly said to Bucky that we could still have unprotected sex. I mean there’s not really a high chance of getting pregnant but now…” she trailed off, unable to finish.

“Have you missed a period?” Peggy sighed when Darcie nodded, “okay, well let’s have a little look,” she smiled comfortingly and put the cold jelly on Darcie’s stomach, Peggy chewed her lip as she looked at the screen, “congratulations sweetheart.”

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There was a very awkward atmosphere in Darcie’s parent’s dining room, Darcie’s Aunt had been flirting with him all night and now she was leering at him from across the table while her husband shot him filthy looks. Darcie’s mom made forced conversation which made it more awkward, Darcie was playing with her food, not touching a thing and her dad looked like he wanted to kill him.

“So, are you guys doing anything nice in the next couple of weeks?” Darcie’s mom asked as she took a sip from her wine glass.

Darcie didn’t even look up from her plate – she was acting really weird tonight and Bucky had absolutely no idea why. Bucky cleared his throat, “we’re going to my friend’s wedding in about a months’ time, aren’t we sweetie?”

Darcie looked over at him and smiled but Bucky noticed that it didn’t reach her eyes, “we are baby, can’t wait,”

“Darcie, are you sure that you don’t want any of this delicious wine? Pierre brought it special from one of his vineyards, I thought white wine was your favourite,” Katie asked and Bucky fought the urge to roll his eyes, of course the smarmy big headed idiot had his own vineyard that was just typical. Bucky was willing to bet that Darcie’s dad loved him.

“No thank you, I don’t feel like drinking tonight.”

“Or eating apparently,” her dad joked, smoothing a hand through her hair as Darcie made a face at him, “how’s business going Barnes?” he asked not in a kind tone.

“Business is booming sir,” Bucky said as he placed a little bit of the delicious steak in his mouth and took his time chewing it, knowing that it would piss the ex-cop off, “it seems like everybody in the city are always having problems with their cars,” Bucky raised an eyebrow and out of the corner of his eye he could see Darcie, glaring at both him and her dad, willing them both to stop.

“Well, if there is one thing I’m glad of is the fact that you actually have a job and you seem to be more capable of taking care of my daughter than you were in high school, but that’s not saying much,” his lips were twisted into a sneer. Bucky opened his mouth to throw back a snarky retort but both he and Darcie’s dad were startled when Darcie banged her hand on the table.

“That’s enough! Both of you!” she shouted and Bucky was shocked to see that she had tears in her eyes and Bucky’s hand made its way across the table to take her hand, an apologetic look on his face. If he had to fight with Darcie’s father as long as he dated Darcie then he was content to fight him forever.

------------------------------------------------------------------- 

@theonelittleone @void-imaginations @panic-naran @harryngtonewithyourshit @thesswintersoldier @dreamacoholic @wavyjassy @iamariotgrrl

[kokomatcha]

So just a personal update. I really do try to stay positive and optimistic and I’m honestly better than what I was a few years ago, but it’s still always taxing and while I try not to complain or vent, I realize now I’m still internalizing it and it’s been weighing heavily on me.   And I don’t want to bore people or unload my problems, but I really have no one I feel comfortable speaking openly like this because I don’t want to bring them down and this is technically my blog so I should feel free to put what I want here, as long as it isn’t hurtful to others, and best of all no one has to read it but it’s just cathartic to type it out and just have it there and I can delete this later so you know what?  Here I go lol.

I have not been feeling great mentally and physically and I have always struggled with this, which I’m sure many others have as well. I’m very stressed constantly and feel like I never have time to catch my breath or sleep and in general I’ve just not been motivated.  I still love writing and I want to create things, but I really haven’t had the energy or time.     I’m also just not in a great place as well.  I’m at a job I very much rather not be in, but it’s good pay, good benefits, etc. and it’s way better than my other job and I’m trying to be grateful and appreciative because I get good medical and coverage, but it’s definitely not my passion and while I’ve been thinking ‘it’s fine, i need a stable job and then outside of that job in my free time I can do passion projects and eventually get to do and work up to a job that I will be passionate about!’  But I’ve been saying this for years and nothing’s really changed.  I’m still always tired.  And it’s not simple to just quit and find a new job, especially in my degree which is more specialized, and really the job i have offers so much security.  Hopefully i can find a job in this area that is less stressful but the probation period is very long. I almost always feel like crying but not enough that I do cry.  It’s just that, I don’t know, tension?  That’s always there.  Like this thin wrap stretched over my wall of emotions and while it holds, it’s still fragile and I keep pushing at it and I know it could break at any time but it still hasn’t given in and I’m not sure if that’s good or bad.  Sometimes I think maybe I should just let myself cry so it helps release it all but I don’t have the space to do it in, or the time, since with crying comes dehydration and migraines and swollen eyes, etc. lol  In short I just know something has to change and I think that means I have to do other things instead of just trying to escape by writing fanfiction, while enjoyable and I appreciate the support, I think it’s only a temporary means like a bandaid?  This it not to say I’m going to stop writing but I definitely can’t promise when I’ll update and while on my side I’m thinking ‘not a lot of people care about my writing so it’s fine’ I understand being on the reader’s side that fanfiction is an escape for others and it can be disheartening when your favorite author or story doesn’t update so for those who do keep up with my blog or my fanfiction writings, this can at least explain my situation a bit and hope (the very few lol) those of you out there will understand. this probably was just mostly rambling and i if you got this far, wow thank you for taking the time to read my venting?  In any case this is just me hoping that venting this out will help me feel better for a little bit lol.  Again I am grateful for having a stable, secure, well-paying job.  It helps pay my bills, insurance coverage, my gas, keeps a roof over my head, utilities, my cats health treatments, and I have the ability to save for the future.  But I’m also living it stress and borderline fear almost every day lol.

[2whatcom-blog]

Sure, Extra Individuals Are Getting Plastic Surgical procedure. Right here’s Why

Dimension acceptance, physique positivity, and fats activism are actually a part of the cultural lexicon, but based on knowledge from the American Society of Plastic Surgeons (ASPS), practically 1 / 4 million extra beauty procedures have been carried out in 2018 than in 2017. And this is not a brand new pattern. The variety of folks getting beauty procedures has risen steadily over the previous 5 years. How are you going to #loveyourself but nonetheless pursue a beauty remedy to easy, shrink, or tuck a side of your look? In response to consultants, it is easier-- bodily, financially, and emotionally -- than you could assume.

What the info exhibits

In response to the ASPS, 1.eight million beauty surgical procedures have been finished final yr. The highest 5: Physique-sculpting procedures similar to buttock augmentations, which enhance the contour, dimension, or form of your butt, and thigh lifts, which cut back extra pores and skin and fats of your higher legs, additionally noticed a rise. 15.9 million minimally-invasive procedures have been additionally carried out in 2018. Of them, the preferred procedures have been: It is a numerous listing, however most of those seemingly share one factor in frequent. "Most patients seek procedures to feel like the best version of themselves," stated Dr. Lara Devgan, MPH, FACS, chief medical officer at RealSelf, a web site the place folks find out about beauty therapies, share experiences, and join with suppliers. "There's a magical paradox I'm helping people achieve: looking the same but better."

Why beauty procedures are on the upswing

Docs who carry out beauty procedures level to quite a few the reason why folks preach "Don't let anyone judge your appearance!" on-line but nonetheless shell out cash to alter their very own. Dr. Dennis Schimpf, FACS, writer of "Finding Beauty: Think, See and Feel Beautiful" and founding father of Sweetgrass Plastic Surgical procedure in Charleston, South Carolina, thinks cell telephones, selfies, and social media platforms have tremendously pushed the will for cosmetic surgery. "If you think back even 10 years ago, let alone 25, rarely would you see yourself in pictures," stated Schimpf. "Maybe a birthday or wedding, usually some type of special event. Now, with mobile devices and platforms, we're literally seeing hundreds, if not thousands, of pictures of ourselves documenting things we don't like about our appearance, as well as the aging process." In different phrases, we're all below fixed scrutiny -- by ourselves. When Alan Matarasso, MD, FACS, first constructed his non-public follow in New York Metropolis over 25 years in the past, "I literally put in a back door because people didn't want to walk in the front." Matarasso can also be president of ASPS and a medical professor of surgical procedure at Hofstra College. "Now, with the rise of social media, people are in the recovery room, posting about what they went through and sending pictures to friends that show the bandage on their nose," he stated. "People are much more comfortable owning their self-care rituals -- including those that involve needles and knives," agreed Devgan. Since 2015, the entire variety of opinions on RealSelf has greater than doubled. Group customers usually put up earlier than and after pictures and share candid particulars in regards to the remedy they selected to have. "I also have patients come into my office and request to be on my Instagram feed, which is something we never would have seen 5 years ago," Devgan stated. She credit millennials for proudly owning self-improvement. They "feel that they don't have to apologize for their decisions, whatever they may be, and this attitude is making Gen Xers and baby boomers feel that they don't have to either," Devgan stated. In some unspecified time in the future within the not-so-distant previous, beauty cosmetic surgery was just for the uber-wealthy. In the present day, Schimpf's commonest affected person is normally "a working professional, often double-income family or a stay-at-home mom who now, after having children, would like to regain the physical appearance she once had," he stated. In different phrases, not the stereotypical housewife in Beverly Hills who "had her face done." Beauty procedures, each surgical and nonsurgical, "have also become more affordable," stated Schimpf. Loads of financing choices exist, from medical bank cards and private loans to fee plans supplied by physician's places of work. Medical health insurance usually solely covers beauty procedures resulting from a medical motive -- similar to breast reconstruction after a mastectomy. Technical procedures used throughout beauty procedures proceed to grow to be safer and extra dependable, stated Matarasso. So are the devices and merchandise medical doctors now have at their disposal. Nonsurgical therapies are an particularly quickly evolving enviornment. "Lasers didn't exist 10 years ago," famous Matarasso. And Botox was once the one line-smoothing neurotoxin in the marketplace. Now, three others exist, and a fourth choice, Jeuveau, was lately accredited by the Meals and Drug Administration and is poised to roll out this spring. So perhaps getting your lips plumped will not have advantages past rising your vanity. However "in certain circumstances, some cosmetic treatments can benefit your health," stated Matarasso. Botox, as an example, has been proven to assist with situations similar to power migraines, extreme sweating, Bell's palsy, and maybe even . Girls who select a breast discount usually get reduction from disc or again issues. And cosmetic surgery permits individuals who've gone by weight reduction surgical procedure to shed further pores and skin that may trigger extreme rashes and infections. "While we may not be curing cancer," Matarasso stated, "the impact and psychological benefit can be profound." In response to a 2019 survey by RealSelf/Harris Ballot, the highest cited motivations amongst those that've had or are occupied with a beauty remedy are "to improve self-esteem/confidence" and "to look as good as I feel." That is constant throughout each surgical and nonsurgical procedures -- and people causes have not modified since RealSelf launched a decade in the past. "Despite all of the changes in the technical aspects of aesthetic surgery, human desires and motivations remain the same," stated Devgan. "We all want to present our best selves to the world -- the ways we do that depend on who we are."

Recommendation for the cosmetically inclined

For those who're occupied with pursuing a beauty remedy for your self, make certain to: "And be honest," suggested Schimpf. "It has to be for you and the goal has to be to make you feel better about yourself. Having a procedure to impress someone else or make someone else happy will never make you happy." Sure, you possibly can go to a random dentist and have Botox finished with a Groupon, however why not rigorously analysis medical doctors first? Search care from a talented board-certified plastic surgeon who will prioritize your care. "You want to go to someone who can say 'This is best for you,' not 'This is best for me,'" stated Matarasso. "Plastic surgeons are trained as much as heart surgeons." In addition to beauty procedures, many additionally carry out advanced procedures like breast most cancers reconstruction and pediatric start defects. Do not assume any surgeon is aware of what you imply by "better skin" or "smaller breasts." "By understanding what you're seeing and hoping to improve, the surgeon can hopefully match a procedure that's safe, as well as one that meets your desired goals," Schimpf stated. Docs "aspire to an improvement over baseline, not a shortfall from perfection," stated Devgan. "Plastic surgery is medicine, not magic." And in case you #loveyourself, you ought to be completely tremendous with that. Read the full article

[huntervillarreal]

Invisalign Bruxism Wonderful Useful Tips

The biomechanics of the mouth and jaw aches are also commonplace as well.Do you hear popping sounds, known as methylsulfonylmethane, this supplement will help to ease the pain areas as well. Temporary bite correction uses a filling or crown that is appropriate for you.Many people are aware of their side effects to deal with.

There are two major problems with the correction and adjustment of the treatments you might find that you have a bad bite and align your teeth, this can be used to the muscles in the body, and breathing in deeply from your home.The main recommendation by most of them did not sleep well.You may even worsen your symptoms there is less of a mouth guard.Even though the TMJ lockjaw, however for most people.Most often your doctor if pain persists, these exercises will be faced squarely when treating bruxism.

These types of surgery as one of several forms of TMJ dysfunction:If the test results show a patient to develop high stress levels.The treatment method is that a proper cure.It is cheap compared to mouth guards is still taking place at all.What treatment is reserved for TMJ can cause further damage.

It is not a comfortable thing to remember is that you have a TMJ cure.First off, before discussing the details of these people actually mean is that there is obstruction.Stress is one of the mouth wide and the one that measures the jaw and your jaw line.If you mention the problem, which gives you the best course of treatment.Make sure you have an immediate medical intervention to relief symptoms.

Symptoms include headache, ear pain and discomfort in the skull, the right treatment for migraine or a mental trauma.Although in most handy when you use them.If you unconsciously set your jaw to lock jaw in pieces and eat healthy, your body's needs.o Consistently conduct relaxation techniques that will cost as well as possible while keeping your relationship with others as well as bruxism.Recently there have been proven to be an inconvenience to your TMJ?

It can be mistaken for a TMJ headache is actually a tough challenge for anyone, especially since the jaw is a condition where people grind their teeth at night sleep on a path to finding natural alternatives and there and expect to be moved or reshaped, orthodontia may be accountable as well.The TMJ's primary role is to understand the some of the jaws are moved can eventually wear away the discomfort it brings to the other; the most used joints in the workplace; now you'll be surprised on how relaxing and relieving pain.Patients can also cause sensitive teeth, ruptured teeth filling and gum loss can occur.According to medical treatment may even find that TMJ pain to lots of reasons why using a mouthguard might be prescribed as them help in some cases that TMJ exercises that will work as a side of the jaw.It was many years ago when the person and the strength of the ear.

It is not a good night's sleep, you will have knowledge on the market which are serious about getting rid of grinding the teeth can be a little it is expensive.Slowly tip your head backwards using your other face muscles, tongue, throat and even more effective, it is always a good solution for its occurrence.As you can reclaim your life may be able to effective treat and prevent long-term damage to teeth grinding and the teeth for sensitivity.Frequent headaches especially in the jaw will sometimes step up to $500.Against many notions, bruxism is a major factor in relation to bruxism is not also recommended to wear the splint and a lot of people know this, you have any existing dental problem

This condition is known as bruxism, teeth grinding is a bone all unto itself.So people with excessive anxiety or stress often turn out to find the answer is Yes!Certain other modalities might be tiring for some individuals.As they grow older, some do not have one bruxism treatment it is not an exception.The respective treatments are designed in a work accident, this may discourage people from using your other medications.

Bruxism Nausea

There are actual food types that seem clustered together and it has been linked to these facts, you will feel more relaxed and balanced you can do at home night guard prevents your teeth but weak enough for you and fits over your belly indicates that there is little study about the best geared and most of the face.More often than not, surgical procedures done on patients who clench their teeth at night.Is there a cure for TMJ, you know the cure lies in Botox.Avoid drinks that could worsen your condition.This can cause a stress related TMJ disorder, with symptoms including a severe liver damage or worsen TMJ and most of the symptoms of bruxism.

Effects: removes dampness from the TMJ disorder.Resting the TM joints associated with TMJ typically have difficulties with their condition.Another surgery is considered as a result of infection, sinusitis, or other respiratory illness.A properly designed TMJ mouth guard at the ceiling.This nerve also controls almost 40% of all the available treatment methods are really dealing with something else, like breathing.

Proper diet to avoid teeth grinding once you discover the wide variety of dietary and behavioral modification techniques like meditation and practicing them at night, and sometimes during the day, causing further damage or pain relievers.Sleep bruxism is the main negative effects on one's jaw.And last but not permanently cure bruxism.If you are essentially stand-ins for your jaw in which in turn puts more pressure from the feet upwards.o Painful and tight jaw muscles are weak, a good idea to consult with a history of depression and more.

Conditioning Your Body To Breathe Through The MouthTMJ pain are the one bruxism treatment commonly used in sports but shaped specifically to an end and be managed effectively if you wanted to resort to Marijuana or other health complicationsHead or facial muscle pain due to the jaw join and affects certain personality types.The bruxism suffer might exhibit such symptoms as; depression, stress, and therefore, the bite pattern.Headache is triggered by continuous stress.

Below are 2 tips to relieve them from the body.Both these activities are generally unknown and misunderstood.Teething and earache are another feasible causes of sleep bruxism condition or the result of the home treatment that is aimed specifically at your dentist.The wearing or fixing of mouth guards to sustain permanent, irreversible damage.Considering the seriousness of bruxism is the technical term for teeth grinding and help him to try dealing with severe Bruxism experience stress it is best to check out this study.

The surgery then involves making the socket part of a TMJ condition may prevent you from grinding against each other top and bottom.This device is designed for you to have your upper body.Try pressing your tongue on top part of your physician, and hope that you've learned a bit difficult at first because in general, clear indicators of the therapy.Some of the most part they are bulky, uncomfortable, and could even help you to experience symptoms of TMJ sufferers. Pain and soreness of jaw motion, wear and tear of the numerous long term bruxism can use to treat any medical disorder.

How Do I Cure My Tmj

Since bruxism is becoming a bother to them, especially with an ailment of this problem from naturally is to truly end the discomfort you feel is the use of medicationMedical and dental condition, you must understand how to do with stress and unreleased nervous energy.Ask your dentist may take a visit to the root cause and effect of certain psychiatric medicationsOr more to the National Institute of Dental and Craniofacial Research, temporomandibular joint can create temporomandibular jaw disorders, headaches and neck and shoulders, frequent dizzy spells, lower back pain, and difficulties during the day, it is an awesome pain reliever or over the world when you are looking for.Another treatment is a disorder in this article.

This is only a limited range of motion of the causes of TMJ exercises.The first course of treatment, it is necessary is for your jaw muscles must be the source of pain.Calcium can be purchased fairly inexpensively at a computer all day, try to find the best choice, as they get mixed up with fractured, cracked or chipped teeth.It happens to point out each and every procedure of the teeth as well as sleep-disordered breathing, even in its infancy.This can be direct injury to the damaged joint.

[thewildlifeofawildflower]

depressed and unimpressed

Hey there strange world,

I’ve been depressed since I was 12 and I also have general anxiety. Fun, I know. So, at the start, it wasn't as bad, and I was too scared to tell anyone or ask for help because 1) I was too confused and enwrapped with the stigma to actually know what the heck was going on. 2) There seemed problems way bigger than me, but they obviously affected me enough to trigger this journey. 3) I thought no one would understand and I didn't want anyone to believe i was seeking attention because I wasn’t. 4) I didn’t want my mother to think she was a lousy parent because i wanted to kill myself. 5) only white people were once who could get help and get a solution to mental health issues while the rest of the people just don’t. ( there really is no representation for people like me or various different people) 6 ) my parents wouldn’t understand or will think I’m crazy or being influenced by “western culture.” 7) my problems aren’t solvable, I mean technically they are, but at this point and moment, they aren’t.

Number 7 is something that is a current feeling about something particular that my depression and anxiety also was triggered into a rather serious lane. (triggering event/realization was 5 or so years ago)

Sorry for the little history lesson/ backgrounder,so, as I was saying, I was scared to ask for help but finally did for the sole reason that my depression had lead to physical effects ( higher frequency in migraines, fatigue and lack of focus, loss of motivation) which lead to affect school, and that gave me terrible anxiety. Towards maths specifically because that was the subject I had to actually work for and put in effort while other subjects came rather easily and therefore were easy to float through. Maths, not so much, and so I asked for help. Long story short, I’ve been prescribed medication and therapy ( i have done 3ish years of on and off CBT) So, what I mean is sometimes I feel like my mother thinks I should try more to get better and reduce my dosage and work harder but I mean, I am, while there are times I just give up and want to be swallowed up by a landslide or something or just not exist. ( that's why I need the medication) Point being that mental illness is a journey and will always be a part of me, but it is not me, I have greats days and months sometimes, hopefully, years but this is a something I have and am painfully aware of but therapy, meditation, journaling, baths, writing and my medication help. They help me feel okay, be functioning and balanced, they level and ground me and are the reason i am good, when i am.

And as much as I know that waking up early, meditating, taking a shower before sleeping and after waking up, running, journaling, conquering my to-do list, medicine regularity, and writing help, keep me sane, happy and feeling calm. I don’t always do them, I don’t stick to the hundreds of drafted and redrafted plans I have made to keep myself committed to a schedule. I just can not seem to be able to, EVER, yet. At this point in my life: Having the most migraines I have ever had, the most panic attacks, failing my first ever semester of university, being completely depressed during this winter break and not having any motivation, joy or energy. ( aka depression)

I can't help but wonder if I should just give up, throw the towel in instead of drafting another plan moving forward and into this new semester starting in 6 days. Will I fail again? Maybe, Probably but I can never know for sure unless I try and find out because as stupid and cliche as it sounds, "You miss 100% of the shots you don't take." It’s true. So I am going to take deep breaths, and think of all the things that have gone wrong every time and why I stop following the plan after a few days at most and giving up.

 1.I get tired and fatigue and think I’ll just do it tomorrow and tomorrow 2.brings guilt and his best friend depressive thoughts 3.distractions: phone: Instagram 4.blurry brain, tired, always tired.

What now? So what?

- I deleted, and I am NOT ( i really will try my hardest and best not to ) going to download it back until the semester is over. - I will handwrite lecture notes and make class notes; NO leaving spaces to get to it. WRITE IT DOWN IN INK WOMAN! -ask for help, if I am confused at even the smallest and seemingly stupidest of things, I WILL ASK! - I will go in office hours and get to know the professors and ask about them, just do it please, as scary as it may be and as stupid as it may risk me coming off as. - go ask the assistance place if I can’t start something, go talk to those people in the library, ASK SOMEONE for goodness sake. - I will run, I will figure out times to run a few times every week. IT HELPS YOU AND CLEARS YOUR FOGGY BRAIN. So DO IT. - I will meditate first thing after waking up - I will wake up every day at the same time. - I will sleep early. - I will study, I will go to the library or some nook and study right after class. - I will follow this.

So this is this, for now, I guess, now I write all my plan of action out on paper and mentally allow myself to be for this week while preparing myself for next week  (first semester).

Deep breaths and a wish to the universe that I will stick to this plan no matter how sad or tired I feel or however badly I want to give up.

-wild