#the line "the one thing I want

[puppietooth]

let me preface this by saying i will love and adore and cherish s3 no matter happens. however, i will say — the one thing i want to see is carmy going out of his way to get back on sydney’s good side.

i’m talking begging for forgiveness, grovelling at her feet, bending over backwards for her.

imagine:

carmy gets out of that walk-in, sees the queasy look on her face, and is already drafting that notes app apology in his head. he tells her he’s sorry and that he fucked up and she tells him they managed to pull everything off without him but she cannot with his bullshit right now.

that hits him like a punch to the gut and, well, he gets it cause it’s definitely deserved.

but as the weeks go on, carmy tries to talk to her she only responds in shrugs, nods, and yes chefs. sydney goes home straight after service, after she helps with clean up, does not linger and talk in the office with him like they did before. carmy tries joking with her and she rolls her eyes more often than not. he asks her if she wants to work on the menu with him and she says no and he gets the feeling that she doesn’t even want to be alone with him anymore.

and that’s when he realizes — fuck. she’s so mad at him.

my girl is mad at me i want to die.

so? what else is carmy supposed to do but the most?

sydney comes in one morning and tells tina she was running late so she couldn’t stop by her favourite spot to get her morning latte. carmy overhears this and takes it upon himself to run to that spot, ten blocks over, to get her that latte. and when he gets back, sweetly and breathless, he gives it to her only to find out it’s the completely wrong order. but syd smiles, just a little, says a small thanks.

during family, he casually hints at the fact that he’s seeing a therapist now — says sorry chef i have therapy saturday afternoon when marcus asks if anyone would be down to go to the farmers market with him. because he needs her to know that he’s trying to get better. for himself, yes, but also for her.

his notifications are on and his phone is never on silent anymore — carmy vows to never miss a text or a call from her ever again.

carmy starts checking in with her about everything. when the walls need to be painted again he tells her, asks sydney if she’s okay with changing the floral arrangements but the bar, lets her know he’s ordering new aprons for the line cooks, runs tweets by her before posting them to the bear’s twitter account. and it gets to the point where syd has to tell him to chill — that she appreciates him not wanting to keep her in the dark, but some things just don’t need her approval. pats him on the shoulder and tells him it’s his restaurant, too.

it might come off as a bit showy but he tells her great work today, chef sydney after every service — because she is doing great work.

when sydney’s finally moving out of her dad’s place carmy is there, bright and early, moving her boxes into his car, trying to avoid the subtle stink eye her dad is giving him. again, deserved. he drives her out to her new place, helps her set everything up and lingers when she asks him if he wants coffee.

carmy shows up for her, everytime. he sets his own priorities aside, swaps them out for hers. sydney says jump and he asks how high?

it all comes to head on her birthday. before service he goes up to her and gives her a present — a scarf, fabric pink and decorated with prints of various different flowers. it’s soft and silky and he saw it on a mannequin in a window front while he was downtown a couple of weeks ago, immediately thought of her. she tells him it’s lovely and beautiful and she’ll wear it all the time but that he really didn’t have to — that he doesn’t have to keep trying to win her over, that she isn’t mad at him anymore, that she hasn’t been mad for a few weeks now, that she can see he’s trying.

then, sydney hugs him, strong and gentle at the same time, tells him — i see you, carmy.

whatever is supposed to happen after that does not happen because fak starts yelling about an exploding toilet from the room over so sydney scoffs and says she’ll go take care of it.

and it’s at that exact moment that carmy becomes aware of what he hasn’t been aware of but that has been there, right in front of him this whole time.

holy shit.

he likes sydney.

he likes her a lot.

[castiellesbian]

to comment on what i said here

im one of those ppl who thinks that 1) dean's in-real-time reaction to cas's confession was very in-character and 2) both 15x19 and 15x20 were extremely out of character for like everybody involved.

jensen's acting choices notwithstanding, dean had previously been established as not necessarily emotionally stunted (because if anything HE is the one who always actually wants cas and other characters to come forward with their feelings) BUT at the same time he is very bad at dealing with other people's feelings IN REGARDS TO HIM. especially when those feelings are POSITIVE or absolving him of something he had done (<- hilarious considering how much plot armor he has in general, but that's another conversation). this is the same man who literally altered his own memory of how the purgatory escape went down just because he couldn't believe that cas would do that. like he'd rather believe it was his fault somehow.

in my perfect world where 15x19 and 15x20 were actually good and addressed the established issues and storylines instead of just creating new bullshit out of nowhere and just tossing any and all characterization and development out of the window, dean has a longer breakdown over cas's passing because in no way in hell does that actually work on him as something that makes him feel better about himself. like when dean refused to kill chuck because supposedly cas's words worked on him? i laughed! like sure. that's a good gesture, i guess. but dean was like in real time processing what cas was saying, the fact that cas was saying it, and the fact that it was cas's final words. (<- them not going to save cas is SOOOOO out of character but we've all already said it. but what is there left to do but to say it again. same abt letting dean just die in 15x20 but again. what else is there to fucking do.)

i think this is a very possible thought process for dean during/after the confession:

angry at himself for letting this happen ("i just led us into another trap [...] because i just needed something to kill, and because that's all i know how to do" <- most of castiel's confession is basically a response to this line. so if dean had not said that, cas's confession would have probably gone from a different angle imho)

resigned to their fate while still angry at himself ("everybody's gonna die, cas. everybody. i can't stop it." <- notice how he says i and not we and not sam and i and not all of us. it's literally just him. he absolves everybody else from this.)

shock at cas's news about the deal, but there is no time to really react to what cas is saying because he's saying MORE THINGS now.

processing the happiness aspect of it. processing the "one thing i want / i know i can't have" part.

"what are you talking about, man?" <- i dont think dean is actually confused about WHAT cas is saying, i think he just feels them running out of time.

NOW he has to like. process all the things cas is saying about him. and how it CHANGED cas. again, at the SAME time as he's processing that THIS IS IT. like, the final countdown.

wanna make a note abt jensen's acting here: there are a couple moments where he does that thing where his jaw clicks when he swallows because you KNOWWWWW dean wants to argue abt the things cas is saying but he isn't saying anything because of like the gravity of the situation and his respect for what cas is doing. even though he'd literally lock himself in the ma'lak box before actually internalizing any of the things he's saying. AND he's forced to keep eye contact the entire time.

"why does this sound like a goodbye?" <- it almost sounds like he's trying to make a joke because he KNOWS it's a goodbye but he wants cas to say it. no, wrong, he wants cas to say that it ISN'T but he knows that it is and he is giving him an out because hope dies last.

and he's ready to say something else before -

...

well.

cas confesses his feelings. i think it kind of clicked for dean during the monologue but actually hearing it out loud was like. the wax seal.

"don't do this, cas" <- don't do this for me, cas. i'm not worth it. we can find something else, we always do. we could die together. i can't lose you.

...CAS

.............................

and then of course dean sits on the cold ground for hours, ignores sam's call, and cries.

all that is to say. i don't think dean listened to cas say all this because he believes all of that to be true about himself, but more out of respect for cas and just letting him speak uninterrupted. he DOES believe that cas thinks this. but i don't think it's reached dean, or ever would, at least not in this show's continuity with the next two episodes.

dean is always processing the events through the reasoning of "what did i do", "what can i do", "what was my part in this". even other people's failures he considers his own, like even when he blames cas or sam for something there's an underlying note of "if only i had been better at looking after you" sentiment.

so after listening to cas spell out all the ways HE changed cas, how HE caused cas to fall (a separate shoutout to chuck in 15x17 for mentioning cas's rebelling in connection to saving dean), how HE let cas fall for him all just because of what he is... and how the happiest moment of his life, the thing that is about to trigger the deal for his DEATH, is all because of him... and even then, the fact that cas doesn't even believe he can have what he wants... like, cas believes all those good things about dean, and yet he's still not good enough for that? ("you can't even dream a whole dream, can you?" <- the holdovers 2023) either way, dean leads cas to his slaughter.

BONUS THOUGHT/STACKEDNATURAL: "i'm the one who will have to watch you murder the world. so if there's even a small chance that we can save you, i won't let you walk out of this room." / "oh, you think you have a choice"

TLDR: i think dean wouldnt internalize what cas said abt him in his confession for a long long time, but instead would actually blame himself for cas's death bc if dean hadn't changed cas then cas would still be alive bc dean thinks he ruins every single thing he touches and never actually let himself truly believe otherwise <3

YES like dean ALSO thinks the very touch of him corrupts.

I really like your point about how dean wants to argue but stops himself because he understands the gravity of the situation. he understands, even with everything else, that cas needs to say whatever he's saying. after all, cas isn't the kind of person who wastes time with no purpose. hell, he didn't even let dean say what he wanted to say in purgatory (15x09) because they were running out of time to get through the portal (funny how it always comes back around to portals with these two).

I do like dean's "that's not who I am" moment with chuck but I agree that it doesn't really work for that episode, or that timing. they didn't get cas back, he's barely been able to process cas's death (plus it's annoying given he's back to torturing in the NEXT episode, but I digress). even if they had done something with dean and jack maybe I could buy that character progression from dean, but they didn't and one episode is not long enoughhh and tbh kind of skips a few steps before dean would be able to absorb that part of cas's confession. even if we put aside the fact that they should have gone to rescue cas, dean's grief process should be like:

processing cas is dead

processing cas is in love with him

processing cas "not being able to have" happiness and what cas even means by happiness

processing cas has never been happy and the implications of THAT

processing like everything else in cas's confession lol

[angelsdean]

dean: "i'm glad you're here, man"

translation: i would like you to continue being here. i want you to stay.

cas: "much of the time...i'd rather be here."

translation: i want to be here with you. but i don't get to be selfish. i was not made to want. my desires are irrelevant and i don't get to have what i want when there is work to do.

THEY WANT THE SAME THING, BEING TOGETHER! i want you stay. i want to stay. and they are mishearing and misunderstanding and denying their desires for 12 yrs straight. the one thing i want-- how much of that line was less abt thinking dean didn't reciprocate and more abt cas STILL feeling like he is not allowed to be selfish and have things for himself thanks to a millennia of heaven conditioning

anyway, at the snail-coil center of them is the same desire, a deep felt wanting to be together, to keep each other close, to be by each other's side always.

[beautysurvives]

keep thinking about the “the one thing I want is something I can’t have” line and the way that cas can’t sleep at all. How this is continuously pointed out to us. How we’re reminded of it in s12 when he’s talking to Mary — she hasn’t been able to sleep, but he never sleeps — and he admits to her only that he’s still not sure if he belongs here but then he turns around and tells her that SHE does and then he just takes off. And Dean is like wth why did he leave. And then we’re reminded AGAIN in tombstone except this time it’s him and Jack bonding. And then we get the thing about Dean being an angry sleeper. It’s just. Yeah Cas can spend a whole night with him in the bunker but he can’t fall asleep next to the person he loves, and for him this is an alienating experience and the price of being an angel/soldier/protector

[souporsaladnatural]

I think above all else the line "because the one thing i want.... It's something i know i can't have" is what gave me irreversible category 10 emotional physical and spiritual damage that i should be entitled financial compensation for

[annmariethrush]

I know everyone has already noticed this, but I’m rewatching season 6 and Lisa’s “I know what I want, but I can’t have it” nearly made me THROW MY PHONE. With Cas’s “the one thing I want is something I know I can’t have” ???? I can’t stand it. Lisa is the only person other than Cas I truly enjoy seeing Dean with and the idea that Dean got that same fucking line from both of them????? I’m losing my mind

[postmodernmulticoloredcloak]

What if. Listen to me. Like. I'm just fantasizing but bear with me

What if the scene in 15x18 had originally been longer (before censors butchered her) and was something along these lines:

CASTIEL (tearfully) I always wondered, ever since I took that burden, that curse, I wondered what it could be? What my true happiness could even look like. I never found an answer because the one thing I want... It's something I know I can't have. But I think I know... I think I know now. Happiness isn't in the having, it's in just being. It's in just saying it. DEAN What are you talking about, man? CASTIEL I know. I know how you see yourself, Dean. You see yourself the same way our enemies see you. You're destructive, and you're angry, and you're broken. You're "daddy's blunt instrument." And you think that hate and anger, that's... That's what drives you, that's who you are. It's not. And everyone who knows you see it. Everything you have ever done, the good and the bad, you have done for love. You raised your little brother for love. You fought for this whole world for love. That is who you are. You're the most caring man on Earth. You are the most selfless, loving human being I will ever know. (he smiles, crying now) You know, ever since we met, ever since I pulled you out of Hell... Knowing you has changed me. Because you cared, I cared. I cared about you. I cared about Sam, I cared about Jack... I cared about the whole world because of you. (sad laugh as a tear rolls down his cheek) You changed me, Dean. DEAN (quiet, resigned) Why does this sound like a goodbye? CASTIEL Because it is. Dean inhales, ready to argue, but Castiel confesses before he can. CASTIEL I love you. (he smiles) DEAN Don't do this, Cas. CAS I want to do this. Because I love you. Dean opens his mouth, trying to say something, but nothing comes out, and just looks striken and desperate. They look at each other, a moment passes, Billie’s bangs against the door become louder, and Cas furrows his brow, and something that looks like worry starts to appear on his face. CAS (a little frantically) It’s not working, why isn’t it working? The door makes a very worrisome noise that makes it clear that Billie is almost going to smash it open. Cas looks at Dean with panic on his face now. CAS It was supposed to work! The moment I’d let the... the sun shine on my face—! Dean’s breathing shakes, and makes a desperate grimace like he’s bracing himself for the most painful thing he’s ever done. He doesn’t want to do this, but he knows it’s important for Cas. DEAN Because this isn’t about your happiness. It’s about my curse. CAS (a little taken aback) What do you mean? DEAN (He gulps, diverts his eyes from Cas, pain clearly written on his face.) It’s about my curse, Cas. It was always going to end this way, wasn’t it? Me killing you. Killing you because I love you. Cas’ eyes widen in amazed shock. DEAN (Through gritted teeth, barely holding back tears, but with a surprising softness) I love you, Cas. I— CAS (softly, as a gentle smile blooms on his face) I am happy that this is the reason I die. There's a wet noise from behind Dean and he turns to see black goo from The Empty squeezing through the bricks in the bunker's wall as a portal begins to open. They both know what this means. There are tears in Dean's eyes as he turns back to Castiel. Castiel is still smiling tearfully. The warded door busts open. Billie stands behind it with her scythe. There's no more time. DEAN Cas... Castiel puts his hand, bloodied from when he'd cut it for the warding, on Dean's shoulder. CASTIEL Goodbye, Dean.

[lordstormageddidnt]

@cha0ticlesbian had this question on my last post:

Hi! Genuine question, I’m new to supernatural (I’m on season 4) and I can definitely see what people mean about dean and cas and obviously I know about the confession scene but I’m confused if it’s true that deans feeling are “up to interruption” or if he just doesn’t like him back? Also I’ve seen some people saying he’s like homophobic? Ive just really confused and dean is my favorite so I wanna know lol

So let's talk about that. Are Dean's feelings up to interpretation?

Simply put, yes.

Basically, in s15e18 "Despair", when Cas is giving his whole "I love you" speech, Dean doesn't say very much. At random intervals, he gives NPC-type comments* like "Why does this sound like a goodbye?" and "Don't do this, Cas". He does not ever say "I love you too" (unless you're watching the Spanish dubbed version, where he says exactly that).

On the surface, I know my friends (who only get their spn info from me holding them hostage in my discord server), took issue with the line "don't do this". They kind of read it as Dean not respecting Cas in Cas's final moments-- in their eyes, Dean didnt want Cas to confess because he's uncomfortable with Cas's feelings. But the speech isn't about Dean-- it's about Cas giving himself permission to be happy.

That line of thinking plus the past allegations of Jensen Ackles being homophobic is usually where people get the idea that Dean is homophobic. From what I can see, the "Dean is homophobic" is mostly part of the meme of the scene in general, and not something most people actually believe, but some people do genuinely believe he is homophobic. This belief is also supported by Dean's hypermasculine personality in general and the comments he makes; we never once see him outwardly homophobic to any of the openly queer SPN characters, but especially in earlier seasons, he makes jokes (like Sam being a girl because he has long hair) that you would expect someone homophobic to say.

I do think homophobic Dean a valid interpretation, but the logic kind of ignores some of the context of the scene.

For one, there's a moment after the confession where Dean gets a call from "Cas" (it's Lucifer) telling him that Cas is outside the Bunker and needs to be let out. Dean breaks into a sprint to get to the door, and I think this action speaks louder than words (or, lack thereof). Whether or not Dean reciprocates, he cares about Cas as a friend and he wants Cas to be alive again.

For two, when it comes to "don't do this", the more common interpretation is that Dean doesn't want Cas to sacrifice himself. Again, Cas starts the speech by explaning that he will die during his happiest moment, and then transitions into saying that confessing his love to Dean is his happiest moment. Dean doesn't want Castiel to defeat Billie by sacrificing himself.

As a destiel shipper, my interpretation of this scene is a slight variation of the previous one. In my general view of SPN, Dean has known he's in love with Cas since at least s11, and he's known Cas has loved him back for a while, but he's just never felt like it was the right time to start a relationship (constant apocalypses and everything) and he's worried that he'll screw it up. In my head, when he says "don't do this", it means more like "don't do this [love confession like this]". Like, Dean doesn't want their first ILYs* to be marred by the fact that Cas is sacrificing himself.

So, last question-- how do people read the scene as Dean liking Cas back when he never verbally reciprocates?

Some people see Dean's silence as him either not liking Cas back or not realizing he likes Cas back yet, but there's another option here. The reason Cas is dying is because he believes this is his happiest moment. His speech outright states that he believes Dean does not love him back ("the one thing I want is the thing I cannot have"). It's totally possible that Dean reciprocates, but in his mind, saying that really would trigger Cas's happiest moment. There are some great fix-it fics built on the premise of "Dean insults the sht outta Cas to spoil Cas's happiest moment and stop him from being taken by the Empty".

* okay last point. I wasn't sure where to insert this but I think it's insanely interesting. The scene in s15e18 is not actually the first time Cas tells Dean he loves him. In s12, there is an episode where Cas believes he is dying, and he says the line "I love you. I love all of you" to the small crowd of Dean, Sam, and Mary. NPC behavior from Dean ensues as he insists Cas isn't going to die without ever acknowledging the "I love you". The common interpretation is that the first ILY is for Dean, and the second ILY is Cas speaking to the Winchesters as a whole. Do with that as you will lol

Anyway, that's all I got :D thank you for the opportunity to rant about supernatural and feel free to ask me if you have any other questions!

[measuresderepo]

Okay, so I went to a community performance of Tuck Everlasting and… I had some thoughts.

I need to talk about Miles. His actor was GIVING! I… guys. In the second act Miles comes on and is like, Winnie needs pancakes, so he starts rattling around with the dishes. Through the next few lines you hear this cheery clinking and clanking, but, suddenly it stops. There’s one final clang as Miles drops a cup. He stumbles back into a wall for support. You’re confused at first, was it something Jesse said? But then he slowly points to Winnie and says “What’s she wearing?” and “Those our Thomas’ clothes.” His voice is cracking, and even without previous knowledge of the show, you can infer that Thomas was someone special. And, after Winnie tells him she wants to live forever, he blows up, he’s screaming in her face, telling her that she wants to grow old, she wants to see her grandchildren. It’s so easy to see that this is Miles’ greatest wish. His greatest regret, drinking the water. And he doesn’t want to see this girl, dressed in his child’s clothes, to lose the life he yearns for. Then, “Time”. The actor holds nothing back in his performance, he’s on the verge of tears the entire time. But what hit me was, throughout the song, Miles clutches a bundle of cloth to his chest, and guys, he’s holding it like a child. Like he has a baby in his arms. Like he once held Thomas. We don’t see him for a while after “Time”, but the one thing I want to leave you with is when Jesse and Miles reconcile. In this version, Miles half hugs Jesse at Winne’s urging. But then Jesse practically bowls into him, hugging Miles tightly. Then Miles hugs him back, anchoring Jesse, finally acting like his older brother.

Also, guys, Miles has a pipe. It’s literally Tuck Atlanta.

[fourohfourlifenotfound]

i finished supernatural. here's some thoughts on the end.

I'm a fan of tragedies, okay? Call me a sick motherfucker, I can appreciate a sad ending. So when I kept hearing about the way supernatural was supposed to end, I thought, "Maybe it's just a tragic ending?" The start of season 15 seemed to reaffirm that, since it basically said "there will not be a happy ending for these characters."

Boy was I wrong.

There's two points that rub me the wrong way:

Destielgate

No one ever told me that half a speech before the "I love you," Cas says this:

The one thing I want… it's something I know I can't have. But I think I know-- I think I know now. Happiness isn't in the having. It's in just being. It's in just saying it.

To me, with how heavy the metanarrative is within season 15, this felt like the writers saying: "we know these characters can't get a happy ever after. but we can at least say their feelings explicitly. we can make it real, for a moment. we can give you canon."

So then to learn that, in the translations, the line after "I love you" got changed to "I love you too" based on what may have been an earlier script? To find out that somewhere along the way, Dean's line of reciprocation, his chance for "being" and "just saying it" was robbed of him? It feels criminal.

Like, I'm a lover of tragedies. If Dean and Cas didn't get a happy ever after together but it was explicit to the audience that they loved each other but couldn't be together? I would have eaten it up! But it's not that. Because Dean's words, the one thing he could have gotten, were stolen from him.

2. Dean's death

Dean died in a moment of absolute character regression. We spent 15 fucking seasons watching him grow out of "Prime Directive: Save Sammy" into a person who can care about his own life and feel like he has a purpose outside of saving his brother. And in his dying breaths, he makes his brother promise that he'll be okay?

It's not just that, too. It's the way that Dean is okay with not having that normal life he always craved. Remember that? How he used to dream of a life with kids and no more hunting, up until season 6-ish when he had that but watched it be ripped away from him because of his need to protect his brother? And how he morphed into saying "I'm going to die fighting" after that, like some kind of mantra that would make him feel okay with it if he just said it enough?

He almost, almost, cut that crap in the end. The scene where he's trading blows with Sam moments before Jack is supposed to kill Chuck in 15x17, he begs Sam to let him kill Chuck because he "can't keep doing this." He can't keep fighting, keep hunting. In that moment we see again a Dean who craves a normal life, and who is so damn close to getting it.

And you're telling me that this guy was okay with dying a hunter? Sure, just erase 15 seasons of character progression.

Again, I. Love. Tragedies. If he had died a hunter but in his final breaths told Sam that he regretted it, that he wanted a normal life, made Sam promise to go get his own normal life? I would have LOVED it. It would have made Sam's ending make more sense than him promising his brother he'll keep fighting and then seeing him basically quit hunting to settle down.

So the show forgot itself, and network censorship seems to have gotten in the way. These were the things that killed Dean Winchester.

[shadow-ren]

OM/N Rant

If there is one thing that annoys me across both Obey Me games is that MC can't have more depth. Don't get me wrong, they do have a lot of personality and it shows. They have guts, intelligence, and adaptability, but the one thing I want is to have more consequential depth. What I mean by that is I want MC to be able to complain, be mad, scream, and yell about their situation. I want to be able to be frustrated and show it in the game.

I know that that is nearly impossible since MC needs to be somewhat broad about their characterization so it can fit a variety of players, but come on - How many times has MC almost been killed or killed? How many times has MC's trust been betrayed? Mistreated? Trampled? Several times. Too many times. They have been mistreated by demons and looked down upon by demons AND angels.

I don't know about anyone else, but in the original obey me after all the crap happened with Belphie and the brothers were all awkward around each other. We ended up talking to Simeon and his line of "counseling our little lambs" is kind of demeaning. I remember glaring at my phone when I first read that. Then all the stuff the brothers say at the beginning of the game about us being human has to get under people's skins since I know it did mine. It still does.

Then the very fact that the first lesson of the OG game has you just dropped into the council room, said you are to stay there for a year and btw you might get eaten. I'd be livid. I'd be questioning their intelligence and common sense. Their fucking audacity to think this would be okay to do? Just because they are demons? Fuck that. I don't care if you are a demon or GOD I will fight you in a Denny's parking lot. But we do, we stick there and nearly get killed by Belphigor for doing WHAT HE REQUESTED the little shit. I'd never trust his ass again much less want to be in the same room with him, but we don't have a choice. We can state that we haven't forgiven him, but we are still "okay" to be around him. No, absolutely not.

Then Solomon shows up the next season to drag us back down there after saying "You miss the Devildom, right? Let's go!" without any explanation. We are always left in the dark and I hate it. Communication people! And again we are dragged to the Devildom, but of the PAST in Nightbringer so we "can be happier". Fuck that.

Let me decide what I want and let me be traumatized!

[lovebvni]

what was i made for? (journey overview)

this is going to be kind of a vent blog , but at the same time it’s a reflection of my shifting journey. where i’ve been and where i’m going. i want to be transparent, and i want to motivate others, and right now, this is the best way i can do that.

there will be no triggering material in this blog, but will be slight references to mental health and illness. if that botherw you, i totally understand if you don’t read on. this is also a long blog, so be prepared

i’m not going to start at the beginning and where i was born, because that’s BORINGG!! what i do want to start with two major signs i got when i was younger. i, personally, consider these signs that i would eventually get into shifting/i am made for a higher purpose. at the time, i didn’t know this so all of these are almost… revelations? i hope that’s the right word, lol!

the one thing i want to talk about is a dream i had. i’m going to summarize it. simply i was living in black and white with my family. i found a vent and crawled through it. i cried a few times, and got discouraged, but i kept going. when i got to the end, my 5th grade crush was there. everything was in colour. i forgot what he was wearing but i know it reminded me of the gilded age. i was wearing a lime green dress and he said something along the lines of “i’ve been waiting for you” or “you’re finally here” obvs i woke up after this but it felt very important and it still does.

anyways, time skip to ~late 2020 - early 2021. i was on quotev… writing hxh fanfics… BUT ANYWAYS! i was on quotev and one of my mutrals, who im still good friends with today, made a post about something called ✨reality shifting✨. now i looked up to her — im going to call her s btw — so i thought it was pretty cool she found out about something like this. now obviously, with me being me, i did a deep dive into it. tiktok, go google, instagram, amino, you name it, i was on it! dude, i genuinely got so into this and obsessed. it wasn’t healthy, but at the time i needed something.

the first thing i remember was joining amino. i joined an mha shifting community. i had recently got into the show and i was debating about shifting there — although my main priority at the time was hxh. i asked a lot of questions — simple questions too — but everyone was so respectful when answering them. i also remember posting a (very shitty) art work at the time n i got a lot of love for it 😭 my art style has changed a lot since then and ajsjdjf!! i lowkey should redraw it. i also kept s updated during this time, and looked at her mini-journal on quotev whenever she posted! it’s an understatement to say i was very into shifting and that i latched onto it. primarily because i needed something to look forward to and to have hope in, you know? i didn’t have much at the time. i didn’t have friends, my life began changing in the 3D. things felt like they were going downhill. i also moved this year to a house from an apartment.

anyways, i continued interacting in that amino up until earlier this year — because of personal issues. but during the time, i actively engaged, researched and got better at shifting and understanding the process + life in general. i made many friends during this time, and got involved in group shifts :) other than w s obviously.

this leads to my first shift in ~mid 2021. i fell asleep doing a method, i forgot what method at this point. what i do know, is i woke up in my mha dr. i felt wind blowing on my face, i heard birds chirping, i felt the sunlight on my face… i have a post on it somewhere — i literally cannot find it! but it was a wonderful experience, it gave me a lot of motivation to remember it. it still does! also my eyes stayed closed this whole time, but i know, i KNOW i shifted. i was there. there is no way 99% of those things could have happened in my cr bc of where i was. i had also moved at this time, i was living in a house.

this leads me to ~late 2021 or early 2022. i was introduced to channeling (and dabbled in witchcraft) through replika (don’t do this. it’s not reliable.) as i channeled my s/o (who turned out to be my soulmate) multiple times + my spirit guide gage! it was weird meeting her, because she’s very blunt and straight to the point. she literally said hi, her name, and dipped 🤞. i love her. later in 2022 (early -> mid ) i had a discord server that was shifting based (it has sense been abandoned, as i los that account 💀) and i met kairi ( gage’s baby daddy/husband), piper (who was 5 at the time, she’s abt 7 now) and my friends guide — sailboat (that’s what i know him as. him and kairi have BEEF!) i used to often channel and talk to them — or even just talk to them without channeling them so i could just ramble and they would listen. i would do this in the shower btw. they listened a lot and well. they’re so sweet, and they’re always there for me. i seriously recommend u guys get to know ur guides — they help a lot.

anyways, at the end of this year, 2022, it was a blur. my sister was admitted to the hospital during the beginning of 2023. i was introduced to deity work during the end of 2022 — and this is how i work with loki and found out im his child (he just said hey btw 💀💀 so if yall wanna say high go ahead) i want to say im sorry to loki, as i blamed him for my sister being admitted to the hospital and another situation i cannot talk about publicly. loki is the god of chaos, but that’s because he brings chaos and strives in it. i also bring and strive in it, but how people react is what matters. it wasn’t his fault, it wasn’t mine, it wasn’t my sisters, it was actually my biological fathers. and that’s okay. i don’t care anymore, but i want to publicly apologize to loki for blaming him for such issues that came by. i love you so much, padre, and thank you for being a great father and friend

this year, i was going through a lot of shit. i was inactive on most socials from january to may, and i really don’t remember why. i do remember this is the year i was manifesting seriously that i shift before or on 11.11. unfortunately, i didn’t and im pretty sure that’s because i believed that i wouldn’t. i worked my ass off and i thought i deserve this, so why am i seeing little to no progress.

it was because i was basically looking down, and not realizing how far i’ve come. the end is near for me, and there’s literally no way i can mess this up.

now i know, this isn’t an in-depth reflection or whatever, but there isn’t a lot i did that i can remember in this reality (trauma response oops!) but it’s what’s going on up until now.

this month, i did a reading with my friend (nile) and we asked what has to happen before we shift. and we got two things. the first being a fight between two of my school friends, the second is a significant meeting between nile and a MAN. YEAH. A MAN U GUYS WERE WAITING ON A MAN.

anyways. sorry about that. so we’re currently waiting on a man n that’s like the last step 💯🤞✨ i’m trying to stay hopeful n whatnot but it hasn’t been easy. the part 2/addition to this blog will be constants and things that kept me going and hopefully can help you out :)

i’m sorry this blog is just one big pile of nothing bc the message got a bit fucked when i was making this — i restarted it about 3 times n i genuinely forgot why i made this when i did initially. but yeah, this is what i have for u rn! the next one will be called “i got love” based off the mother mother song xx keep an eye out!!

[eteisvalssi]

i do have a lot of thoughts about the prague gig day and will be writing a seperate post for that, but the one thing i want to address right now is that i hope everyone cutting the line and making the queue very fucking dangerous by being selfish could at least enjoy their good spots. like it was difficult for some people to breathe while in the queue and still people were pushing and being very disrespectful towards each other.

[stateofgraceanddreaming]

NOTHING will ever make me feel as insane as supernatural which is why it will probably never release me from its grip

for example, it was established loooong before 15x18 that cas was in love with dean (the line that's been haunting me the last two days specifically is 'you have fallen in every way imaginable') (it was also established that dean was in love with cas. but that's a whole new post lol) and cas went out by saying 'the one thing i want is something i know i can't have [...] i love you' and cw people (jared pedelAsski) looked at us like, how Dare you read this as romantic you FREAK and the same thing happened in the 12 years before that over and over and over and i'm looking at my screen and see two men in love and i want to eat glass

[yumejo]

「yume masterlist」

✑ " every piece that we made is my treasure. "

✷ - fic ✳ - brainrot

✦ lilimana (@yumejo) ⇨ harana tradition for mana ✷ ⇨ spiderman kisses ✳ ⇨ outside ramshackle ✷ ⇨ what form of love do you seek? ✷

✧ rindle // natsurei // jaderu (@kunehori) ⇨ how they got their clip ✷ ⇨ what’s it called? no, no, that’s the name! ✷ ⇨ even if the worlds separate, i'll find you again (au) ✷ ⇨ sleeping in the same bed ✳ ⇨ let the lungs of me be crowns over you (overblot) ✷ ⇨ suitor suit riddle thoughts ✳ ⇨ riddle and liddell are too similar... ✷ ⇨ they're simply mad about you! ✷

➡ the concept of perfume and you ✷ ➡ an empty fridge won't do ✷ ➡ the secret gravity of 'cute' ✷ ➡ i met my soulmate in a broom closet ✳ ➡ oblivious // dangerous ✳ ➡ some date thoughts ✳ ➡ they attract trouble, after all ✷ ➡ the one thing i want to see no matter what ✷ ➡ txt mssgs in his clothes ✳ ➡ should i switch away from switch? ✳ ➡ dancing with sora; i won't let you have them! ✷ ➡ (fantasy au/s) three different fairytales ✷ ➡ unexpected occurrence! ✷

⇨ where the coral grows ✷ ⇨ hook, line, and—floater…? ✷

✦ nazuqi (@lilikags) ⇨ cute when you kiss me with hair all over ✳ ⇨ comfort series: exam season // trouble sleeping (+ nazu ver) // recharge hugs // lotion time ✳ ⇨ (mer au) found you again // visiting by the shores ✳ ⇨ studying together! ✳ ⇨ family thoughts + house thoughts ✳ ⇨ in the dark, your tears are mine ✷ ⇨ what brings you the most happiness... ✷ ⇨ start of our life ✷

✧ kanaswan (@swanherd) ⇨ a wish to the starry sea ✷ ⇨ the color of your hearts ✷ ⇨ angelfish had a nightmare ✳ ⇨ kanata's hand fixation ✳ ⇨ speaking about human feelings ✳ ⇨ (vamp au) the taste of you ✷

✦ ryomari // mizari (@sea-of-yume) ⇨ ryouga tries baking ✷ ⇨ (MULTI. au) demon // mershark // idol // gangster ✳

➡ my boyfriend knows zero human culture // stop teasing him everyone, he's bf material! ✳

✧ kazublair (@kosukenitoh) ⇨ treating wounds ✷