#the isolation of being aspec

[alien-ally]

Personally, loneliness comes from the fact that my relationship with friendship is pretty skewed. and perhaps that i expect ‘too much’ from my parents, who are too buzy caught in their 27 year old viscious cycle of ego, undiscussed conflict and lack of communication. Who will never understand me. Parents are meant to be the fixture right? who i could fall back on, where i could head back at the end of the day. For me though, it’s quite the contrary. i will never get the things i want from them cause their dissatisfaction from life has narrowed their sight and stunted their growth as people. i’ll always only be playing a role around them, aching in silence to get away, so i can finally be myself. I’m not even going to have another family apart from them cause I’m non-partnering. The loneliness from never being understood or comforted is so deeply rooted in me, now when i finally get it, i can’t imagine what i’d do. Given that i have a long long way to go in life, and to rediscover the meaning of intimacy separate from conventional relationships, i can’t even begin to imagine how that would work out for me, now that the loneliness has become an indispensable part of me.

i think a lot about the loneliness of being aromantic. because it's something that's so profound, right? you're told your whole life that you need something to make you happy, to make you complete, to give you connection with other people, and when you realize you're aro, that's torn away from you. everything you've been raised to want is no longer something that will fulfill you. you are not built to be happy. and it gets better with time, it does! you restructure your world view, bit by bit, and the sting fades, but... i don't think it ever truly goes away. it's hard to express, because i love being aro, and i'm happy being aro, i wouldn't want to be any other way, but at the same time. there is such a profound heartbreak to knowing that you will never be someone's most important person in a society that values romance. that you'll never get the happy ever after that you were promised as a child. and you know you can be happy. but there's a lifetime of amatonormativity that lives in your brain and tells you that you can't.

[tmos-time]

"eridan isnt asexual why would you think that" it's textual. to me <3

[bisexualseraphim]

Also, I refuse to entertain the discourse as to whether acespec people are “oppressed” or not, but I will say it’s really fucking lonely — especially if you fall somewhere on the spectrum that’s a little more unconventional.

I’ve discussed many times before how I feel absolutely no attraction whatsoever except towards my lovely partner. I went through the phases queer men tend to: exploring many types of pornography and cruising on Grindr. I really tried, and none of it has ever done anything for me. It wasn’t until I started having sex with my partner that I realised, ohhh, so that’s how most people feel. And even then, enjoying sex with him is far more of an intimacy thing than the actual physical sensations. I do not fantasise about other people or consume porn. There is only him.

And yet when I’ve spoken about this in acespec spaces, I’m still treated as some sort of weirdo who doesn’t belong. I’ve literally been told many times that I can’t be demisexual because demis will still fantasise and consume porn (although that doesn’t line up with my understanding that demis require a close bond to feel sexual attraction, but never mind), and I’ve even been accused of having some weird internalised Christian puritan shit going on because I genuinely cannot comprehend ever looking at or thinking about someone in that way who isn’t my man. As if anything about this is a choice for me and it is offensive to them somehow. As if only feeling attraction to one person is like… “worse” than never feeling any attraction at all. I’ve never once shamed others for how they experience sex and sexual attraction and never would, yet people act like that’s what I’m inherently doing just by speaking about my own experiences.

So no, I won’t say whether acespec people are “oppressed” or not because honestly, when is this shit ever going to come up in conversation and ever be that relevant? But the fact I don’t feel I can talk about it even amongst other queer people, even amongst others in the acespec community, kind of speaks for itself.

Being a queer man who can’t relate to all the stereotypes and anecdotes about enjoying casual sex is one type of loneliness. Being a queer acespec man who can’t even relate to most others in the acespec community is another. I can never win, and either way I do not fit in.

[infiniteorangethethird]

"a life without love must be awful and terribly sad" is such a strange take for me bc do you know what does suck majorly? Trying to force yourself to feel an emotion you can't feel just bc it's something everyone is supposed to feel. Going on dates with people in hopes that maybe if you just gave them a chance you'll grow to like them the way they like you. Shifting between "love interests" constantly bc you don't actually feel anything for any of them but you're terrified that if you don't find someone you'll end up all alone. Listening to your friends telling each other "I love you" earnestly and feeling extremely guilty bc you know if you said it back it would not be honest. Realizing you have never actually loved anyone and feeling like the worst person alive for it, thinking there must be something wrong with you.

Being loveless was never the problem. The expectation that everyone must be able to feel love is. There is nothing wrong with not being able to feel love, and love is not the only way to be happy in life. Love isn't the only and ultimate source of happiness, without which your life is inherently less than the lives of those who do feel it.

Realizing and accepting I was loveless wasn't some heartbreaking tragedy. It was self-acceptance and freedom from the impossible expectations I put on myself. It was joy.

[hybbat]

I think a lot of my bafflement at hearing other people's experiences comes from just fully failing to comprehend the depth of the US's religiosity and how different it actually is from my slice of canada.

I'll be here thinking "yeah we have differences but we have the same religious groups and watch most of the same media some people genuinely have to be reminded there's a difference at all so I understand americans for the most part. I can interact with americans without even realizing theyre american until brands come up." And then I hear a story about how someone's whole social circle openly ask when they're going to have children and got angry when they said they didn't have a partner, and wonder "who the hell is socially innept enough to say that and why did this person take it at all seriously like its normal? Or does this person live in the heart of texas or something and not allowed to watch disney movies to learn basic generic lessons about respecting other people?"

And then inevitably unimaginable numbers of people from all over that country chime in with the exact same experience from all sides and I have to wrap my head around this thing I've never heard a real person ever dare to say lest they be seen as a nosey weirdo religious freak is in fact the norm people are fighting against less than an hour away from me.

[greenfiredragonfly]

Celebrating ace week by being lonely af, as usual. Which I think is very on brand for aspec people, actually. Isolation, yippee!!! Never fitting in or having a place in society yippee!!!

[aroaessidhe]

I was thinking the other day about the phenomenon of 'character is probably aroace but grew up completely isolated/traumatised/only surrounded by relatives/no exposure to opportunities for attraction/romance/sex or even time to consider it, therefore we just can't really explore that in the story' because like.......there's infinite examples of allo characters with similar upbringings that Do find ways for them to explore attraction/relationships/sexuality even within that narrative???? through media, or they met another person their age at a rest stop and had something for a few days, or they meet another person in the same situation as them and end up traveling together, or whatever.

like in the quiet at the end of the world, where there's literally only 2 teens left, but the girl still figures out she's bisexual though watching old tv shows etc. unless a character is literally never even exposed to the concept of relationships/sexuality in any form, then there's gonna be opportunities for them to think about it? (and like.....I think there's very few stories where a character would literally never be exposed to the concept)

anyway, not to say that I think every kind of story is obligated to do that - obviously i love archivist wasp, which goes the route of not acknowledging the concept of relationships/sexuality at all (beyond vague mentions of married background characters) - but the focus there IS the no-romance-at-all-platonic-friendships, not 'representation'. and obviously I have a whole separate database of books with no romance because that is also something I like as well as aspec books! but they're two different things.

and I do think there is value in stories about aroace (etc) characters having adventures and barely thinking about their sexuality at all, but also like.........there's a lot of that, and sometimes it feels too surface level, I want more, personally? sometimes it feels like an excuse, 'oh I couldn't mention/explore their sexuality because there's just nowhere it would make sense to have come up :/' okay but you're making up the whole thing! you can make that happen though! If you just want the adventures with casually queer characters that don't think about their sexuality that much, just say so! i know people want 'books about queer people going on adventures not just books about being queer' but i want books about people going on adventures that are also About Being Queer, actually.

idk I want more in depth explorations of specific aro and/or ace experiences beyond just the basic figuring-it-out/coming out, or found-family/friendship-narratives-but-we-don't-talk-about-how-that-relates-to-their-experiences-as-an-aroace-person-it's-only-implied. (not to say that lots of stories with the more specific things don't exist! I just want more always)

thinking of books that do play around with the concept a little: like the butterfly assassin is an interesting example of there-was-no-opportunity-to-bring-it-up in the first book (and her life before then), but then it does get explored a little in book 2, and in book 3 she goes on a very self destructive spiral involving hooking up with people despite knowing she doesn't want to - and while it doesn't quite have a sitting down and talking about aromanticism and asexuality clearly thing, it is deeply entwined with her whole journey. or in not even bones - nita & kovit both grew up very isolated from other teens or just too dangerous/in danger to ever consider any of that, but then they DO think their bond must be romantic from what they've seen in media or w/e. and kiss a bit while continuing to think of each other as best friends until adair is like 'being close doesn't have to mean dating yaknow' and they're like oh yeah neither of us want this. lol (this one also doesn't explicitly discuss aromanticism/asexuality - but it's still more than not exploring it at all in the story)

tldr I guess my beef is with people saying that like it's a valid reason/excuse to not explore a character's (underrepresented - especially in nuance/complexity) identity rather than just saying they don't want to write about that (which is fine!) (and I do realise when people say that they're probably not thinking too hard about it)

(this is slightly incoherent but it's been sitting in my drafts for months. let's also post it during aro week i guess)

[aroarachnid]

not to be cheesy but i actually love all those asexual in-jokes like dragons and cake and space and what not. like its literally so fun and silly whats the problem. did garlic bread push ur mom off a cliff or something

[twentyfivemiceinatrenchcoat]

ur account just made me find out im asexual 🥲🥲 thank you ❤️

ANONNNNNNNNNN I’M PICKING YOU UP AND SPINNING YOU AROUND!!!!!!!!! i’m so glad i could help in any way!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it’s very much a . wide spectrum lmao so don’t feel pressured to push yourself into one single category, you have all the time in the world to figure it out!!!! 🥹🥹 me and gojo (resident ace (i know and perceive the truth)) are giving you a big big hug <33 we love you!!!!!

[dreamswillbeyourwintermeat]

I went to a concert with my parents on Monday and arguably drank a little too much because I am now remembering that after the show I told them I enjoyed it but it was "very allosexual and allonormative".

[aq2003]

pairing ten's "will just kind of let himself be used as a vessel for romance if someone makes the first move" trait with his "spent a whole season not catching that his codependence insanity bestie was in love with him" trait means that if martha had made like astrid or christina and confessed/kissed him outright i think they would have entered a 10x more nightmarish toxic relationship where ten would attempt to get on the comphet grind to ignore his ptsd and depression harder and martha would have to speedrun all the highlights of a loveless marriage with a 20th century war veteran that never learned what being aroace is. i think she would have to leave and never talk to him again

[a-walking-fandom-reference]

I've been so enjoying your aspec/anti-amatonormativity posts the past few days! I have so so many thoughts about the bobby and pepa scenes in 6x14 but haven't made any detailed posts about it since the episode aired because I'm terrified of not getting my thoughts out quite right and people misunderstanding my issues with that episode 😅😅

i’m so glad you’ve been enjoy them the subject is really special/important to me

6x14 is a BEAST that episode really hurt me and i have so many thoughts about it but they are hard to even gather because rewatching or thinking about it to much makes me so sad because i relate so much to eddie

i totally understand that it’s honestly why i have dozens of drafts about aspec eddie because i have so much thoughts but don’t know how to word them… and totally relate to the fear of people misunderstanding me (i think some people did misunderstand my amatonormativity post and that really upset me) especially when it’s something that feels so personal (and fandom is scary sometimes)

[radioactive-yuri]

there's something so profoundly isolating about being aromantic, but not asexual. because every aromantic experience is boldly labeled an "aroace experience", or even just an "asexual experience", even when it has nothing to do with asexuality. there's no room for non-asexual aromanticism to exist. so you learn to avoid all of it.

the aromantic tag is filled with posts about asexuality, so you learn to not explore it. other aspecs assume you're asexual or imply that you "should" be, so you learn to avoid aspec spaces. other queer people accuse you of emotional abuse on the basis of your identity, so you learn to avoid queer spaces.

it doesn't feel like there's any space out there for us, any support that isn't pulled out from under us the second we say "hey, um, actually, i'm just aromantic, not aroace."

[assemblyofoddities]

One thing i love about all of MXTX's novels is that she does something right that a lot of literature with queer protagonists gets wrong: community. All of her protagonists come in contact, if not meet directly, other queer people that help them, and aren't their love interest. So often, the gay couple protagonists are "us against the world", and it almost seems that they are, in fact, the only queer people in that world. But all of MXTX's novels have helpful queer side characters. In SVSSS, Shen Qingqiu has Shang Qinghua, an older queer man and ally to him, who at times is the only person that understands him, being a fellow transmigrator. There is also a case to be made for Liu Qingge, as whether you interpret him to be gay or asexual/aspec, the succubus extra certainly makes for a pretty convincing queer implication. For MDZS, there is Mo Xuanyu, an explicitly queer man and great ally to Wei Wuxian, as well as Xiao Xingchen & Song Lan (again, clear implication). TGCF is pretty straightforward, with Shi Qingxuan being Xie Lian's first friend and informant after his 3rd ascension; this one is less important, but I think there is also a case to be made for Yin Yu, though that is less clear and could just be me, as well as... He Xuan, if we're gonna talk about narrative stuff, I believe him/her/them to be genderqueer...

But that's beside the point. If the story has a world for being gay (mdzs: 'cutsleeve'), there better be mentions of queers in the universe. In queer lit, *cough* BL, there can be a sense of isolation between the homophobia and experiences of the protagonists and the reader, especially because finding community is such a fundamental queer experience. So gold stars for her.

[cosmicredcadet]

Sometimes fandom can be incredibly alienating as someone who is aspec and doesn't participate in shipping. I go into the tags of a media I like and I find 99.9% of posts are about either shipping the character or how attractive people find them. I post anything about a character I like and I'm met with sexualizing comments or shipping tags on my posts. I talk about aspec headcanons for a character and get met with anger and told I'm homophobic. I talk about a character being canonically aspec and get met with arguments about how wrong I am. I cannot relate to 99.9% of fandom. And whenever I express this, I am met with hostility. I am told to go find a space that will accept me because I'm not welcomed in the wider fandom. They never even stop to think if a space like that even exists. They never stop to realize that spaces like that often get taken over by the rest of fandom eventually, forcing the ones who made it once more. They never tell you how to find that space because if they thought about it they too would realize how near impossible it is to find such a space in any fandom.

But they don't actually care about that. they just want me to shut up. They expect me to conform to the hyper amatonormativity and allonormativity of fandom spaces. They expect me to put up with blatant and rampant aphobia within fandom spaces. They expect me to be a "good aspec" who is a hopeless romantic shipper and loves smut. When I fail or refuse to meet those expectations, then I'm the problem. and I'm left alienated and isolated in a space that is supposed to be social and supposedly for everyone.

"Fandom is for everyone" except people like me.

[crabboytahomaru]

Hirano-san my aspec KING

^first pic is his response to ‘have you kissed anyone?’

Hirano is a character that I cherish and identify with as an aroace person due to how aspec-coded he is and his experiences that I can relate to. I grew up thinking I was the normal one for not wanting to date anyone and I thought everyone else around me was weird for that. And that’s not exactly what Hirano is going through here, but the feelings of realising what you feel (aka, lack of a certain kind of attraction) aren’t normal, and how isolating it can feel. His question of ‘what the hell is normal?’ was so validating to see, because honestly I’ve been told a lot that I don’t act ‘normal’ due to my lack of sexuality, and having to slowly learn that you define for yourself what is normal and that no one should dictate what you should and shouldn’t feel.

Hirano is starting to think of Kagiura in a different light, thinking at the end of the chapter about ever kissing him, but that doesn’t take away from his aspec identity, and I feel like his growth and realisation about how he feels about Kagiura are handled very well and feels like a real aspec person trying to come to terms with attraction when it’s something that always seemed wholly separate from them.

Hirano is a character with resonates with me a lot, and I don’t actively read aspec media for personal reasons, but reading about an aspec character falling in love without their sexuality (or lack thereof) being something ignored, and their lack of understanding of romance being portrayed in such a relatable way (as well as the casual probing from friends about ‘damn, you really don’t want to do xx?’)

There’s just something about Hirano and how he slowly tries to understand Kagiura and what romantic intentions are and how what he thinks are normal friend things are considered romantic to Kagiura and how frustrating it can feel to not understand why something is dictated by the action and not the meaning behind it (e.g. giving someone chocolate on valentines. the action itself is seen as romantic, but the meaning of the giver can make that just a platonic gift. Kagiura got upset about the romantic undertones of Hirano’s ex-roommate giving him chocolate whilst Hirano only saw the platonic intent)

I just rambled but moral of the story is that Hirano is aspec to me and is wonderful representation that feels very cathartic to read.