#the isolation of being aspec

[alien-ally]

Personally, loneliness comes from the fact that my relationship with friendship is pretty skewed. and perhaps that i expect ‘too much’ from my parents, who are too buzy caught in their 27 year old viscious cycle of ego, undiscussed conflict and lack of communication. Who will never understand me. Parents are meant to be the fixture right? who i could fall back on, where i could head back at the end of the day. For me though, it’s quite the contrary. i will never get the things i want from them cause their dissatisfaction from life has narrowed their sight and stunted their growth as people. i’ll always only be playing a role around them, aching in silence to get away, so i can finally be myself. I’m not even going to have another family apart from them cause I’m non-partnering. The loneliness from never being understood or comforted is so deeply rooted in me, now when i finally get it, i can’t imagine what i’d do. Given that i have a long long way to go in life, and to rediscover the meaning of intimacy separate from conventional relationships, i can’t even begin to imagine how that would work out for me, now that the loneliness has become an indispensable part of me.

i think a lot about the loneliness of being aromantic. because it's something that's so profound, right? you're told your whole life that you need something to make you happy, to make you complete, to give you connection with other people, and when you realize you're aro, that's torn away from you. everything you've been raised to want is no longer something that will fulfill you. you are not built to be happy. and it gets better with time, it does! you restructure your world view, bit by bit, and the sting fades, but... i don't think it ever truly goes away. it's hard to express, because i love being aro, and i'm happy being aro, i wouldn't want to be any other way, but at the same time. there is such a profound heartbreak to knowing that you will never be someone's most important person in a society that values romance. that you'll never get the happy ever after that you were promised as a child. and you know you can be happy. but there's a lifetime of amatonormativity that lives in your brain and tells you that you can't.

[aq2003]

Thank you for posting so much aroace Ten stuff. This fandom keeps painting him as a "Casanova" and it always made me feel kinda... gaslit? (Idk if I'm using the right word for this, English isn't my first language.) Anyways, thanks for making me feel a bit more seen.

you're so welcome anon !! i think with ten he isn't a character most people would immediately point at and go "oh he's obviously aroace" but the aspec coding is still obviously There and his character can be read in a way that really heavily resonates with certain ace/aro experiences that don't really get a lot of light (cuz aspec identities are still pretty heavily underrepresented). it's funny like w/ ten instead of aspec traits being used as a shorthand to make the character be less human it's like. he is a very human incarnation of the doctor and him being an alien/semi-immortal serves to highlight the tragedy of how he can't have (or feels like he can't have) long term connection and devotion to someone like the humans he loves. which is like. accidental metaphor for aspec ppl who want a kind of intimacy that is usually only afforded to romantic/sexual relationships

[infiniteorangethethird]

"a life without love must be awful and terribly sad" is such a strange take for me bc do you know what does suck majorly? Trying to force yourself to feel an emotion you can't feel just bc it's something everyone is supposed to feel. Going on dates with people in hopes that maybe if you just gave them a chance you'll grow to like them the way they like you. Shifting between "love interests" constantly bc you don't actually feel anything for any of them but you're terrified that if you don't find someone you'll end up all alone. Listening to your friends telling each other "I love you" earnestly and feeling extremely guilty bc you know if you said it back it would not be honest. Realizing you have never actually loved anyone and feeling like the worst person alive for it, thinking there must be something wrong with you.

Being loveless was never the problem. The expectation that everyone must be able to feel love is. There is nothing wrong with not being able to feel love, and love is not the only way to be happy in life. Love isn't the only and ultimate source of happiness, without which your life is inherently less than the lives of those who do feel it.

Realizing and accepting I was loveless wasn't some heartbreaking tragedy. It was self-acceptance and freedom from the impossible expectations I put on myself. It was joy.

[greenfiredragonfly]

Celebrating ace week by being lonely af, as usual. Which I think is very on brand for aspec people, actually. Isolation, yippee!!! Never fitting in or having a place in society yippee!!!

[aroarachnid]

not to be cheesy but i actually love all those asexual in-jokes like dragons and cake and space and what not. like its literally so fun and silly whats the problem. did garlic bread push ur mom off a cliff or something

[twentyfivemiceinatrenchcoat]

ur account just made me find out im asexual 🥲🥲 thank you ❤️

ANONNNNNNNNNN I’M PICKING YOU UP AND SPINNING YOU AROUND!!!!!!!!! i’m so glad i could help in any way!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it’s very much a . wide spectrum lmao so don’t feel pressured to push yourself into one single category, you have all the time in the world to figure it out!!!! 🥹🥹 me and gojo (resident ace (i know and perceive the truth)) are giving you a big big hug <33 we love you!!!!!

[lemonycranberries]

you know... I was still being able to hold myself together. kind of. but not after this scene. oh no. that guy made this speech and the leaves started appearing as Isaac smiled and oh my god. and then crush culture started playing on the soundtrack. and then I started singing along. and when I realized I was crying. and laughing. and I had to go back a few minutes and rewatch this beautiful scene. the second time around I didn't even try. I actually just cried, laughed hysterically, put my hands on my face and cried some more as I screamed along to Crush Culture. I realized I was literally shaking. the feeling of being seen this much on a screen... it's something I had actually never experienced before. this means much more than just a scene on a TV show. this feels like the beginning of something. this feels like actual representation. the things I just felt right now are simply indiscribable.

[yaikat]

having to sit through people making sexual comments about everything all your life but god forbid an ace person gets even the slightest bit uncomfortable about it ONCE

[dreamswillbeyourwintermeat]

I went to a concert with my parents on Monday and arguably drank a little too much because I am now remembering that after the show I told them I enjoyed it but it was "very allosexual and allonormative".

[a-walking-fandom-reference]

I've been so enjoying your aspec/anti-amatonormativity posts the past few days! I have so so many thoughts about the bobby and pepa scenes in 6x14 but haven't made any detailed posts about it since the episode aired because I'm terrified of not getting my thoughts out quite right and people misunderstanding my issues with that episode 😅😅

i’m so glad you’ve been enjoy them the subject is really special/important to me

6x14 is a BEAST that episode really hurt me and i have so many thoughts about it but they are hard to even gather because rewatching or thinking about it to much makes me so sad because i relate so much to eddie

i totally understand that it’s honestly why i have dozens of drafts about aspec eddie because i have so much thoughts but don’t know how to word them… and totally relate to the fear of people misunderstanding me (i think some people did misunderstand my amatonormativity post and that really upset me) especially when it’s something that feels so personal (and fandom is scary sometimes)

[jenhoneys]

honestly at this point I am begging them not to give din another romantic interest -- I don't CARE that pedro pascal is hot it doesn't make any sense for the narrative to throw him into a relationship, he is learning the value of friendship and companionship and I think adding anything romantic is just unnecessary and awkward. also this is a personal feeling but he doesn't really have chemistry with any current characters. maybe a lot of characters had chemistry with HIM, but HE himself doesn't have romantic chemistry with anyone and I think that's neat

[aq2003]

pairing ten's "will just kind of let himself be used as a vessel for romance if someone makes the first move" trait with his "spent a whole season not catching that his codependence insanity bestie was in love with him" trait means that if martha had made like astrid or christina and confessed/kissed him outright i think they would have entered a 10x more nightmarish toxic relationship where ten would attempt to get on the comphet grind to ignore his ptsd and depression harder and martha would have to speedrun all the highlights of a loveless marriage with a 20th century war veteran that never learned what being aroace is. i think she would have to leave and never talk to him again

[hedonists]

i wish there wasn’t such a stigmatized view on platonically loving people.

I can’t call people nicknames and pet names like hun and honey without them immediately assuming i have romantic interest in them.

i can’t tell my friends i love them without adding on “platonically” or shortening the phrase “ily” “love you” “love u”

i love a lot of people. i love my sister, i love my boyfriend, and i love my best friend. All different versions of love.

let us love people openly and honestly without it being seen as “making a move” or being romantically interested.

please please please stop assuming that love is strictly romantic, i promise you life becomes so much brighter and bigger when you stop keeping love strictly romantic.

[thermodynamic-comedian]

there's something so profoundly isolating about being aromantic, but not asexual. because every aromantic experience is boldly labeled an "aroace experience", or even just an "asexual experience", even when it has nothing to do with asexuality. there's no room for non-asexual aromanticism to exist. so you learn to avoid all of it.

the aromantic tag is filled with posts about asexuality, so you learn to not explore it. other aspecs assume you're asexual or imply that you "should" be, so you learn to avoid aspec spaces. other queer people accuse you of emotional abuse on the basis of your identity, so you learn to avoid queer spaces.

it doesn't feel like there's any space out there for us, any support that isn't pulled out from under us the second we say "hey, um, actually, i'm just aromantic, not aroace."

[crabboytahomaru]

Hirano-san my aspec KING

^first pic is his response to ‘have you kissed anyone?’

Hirano is a character that I cherish and identify with as an aroace person due to how aspec-coded he is and his experiences that I can relate to. I grew up thinking I was the normal one for not wanting to date anyone and I thought everyone else around me was weird for that. And that’s not exactly what Hirano is going through here, but the feelings of realising what you feel (aka, lack of a certain kind of attraction) aren’t normal, and how isolating it can feel. His question of ‘what the hell is normal?’ was so validating to see, because honestly I’ve been told a lot that I don’t act ‘normal’ due to my lack of sexuality, and having to slowly learn that you define for yourself what is normal and that no one should dictate what you should and shouldn’t feel.

Hirano is starting to think of Kagiura in a different light, thinking at the end of the chapter about ever kissing him, but that doesn’t take away from his aspec identity, and I feel like his growth and realisation about how he feels about Kagiura are handled very well and feels like a real aspec person trying to come to terms with attraction when it’s something that always seemed wholly separate from them.

Hirano is a character with resonates with me a lot, and I don’t actively read aspec media for personal reasons, but reading about an aspec character falling in love without their sexuality (or lack thereof) being something ignored, and their lack of understanding of romance being portrayed in such a relatable way (as well as the casual probing from friends about ‘damn, you really don’t want to do xx?’)

There’s just something about Hirano and how he slowly tries to understand Kagiura and what romantic intentions are and how what he thinks are normal friend things are considered romantic to Kagiura and how frustrating it can feel to not understand why something is dictated by the action and not the meaning behind it (e.g. giving someone chocolate on valentines. the action itself is seen as romantic, but the meaning of the giver can make that just a platonic gift. Kagiura got upset about the romantic undertones of Hirano’s ex-roommate giving him chocolate whilst Hirano only saw the platonic intent)

I just rambled but moral of the story is that Hirano is aspec to me and is wonderful representation that feels very cathartic to read.

[aroandawkward]

I can't stop thinking about Isaac Henderson in Heartstopper, and the inherent isolation of being an aroace person in a romance story. Because, at the end of the day, that's what Heartstopper is - it's about the romance between Nick and Charlie. Even when the narrative has expanded outwards to focus on other characters, their plotlines are primarily about romance: Elle and Tao, Darcy and Tara… It's true that Isaac has a loving friend group and the show doesn't devalue platonic love in the way that many romance stories do. But nevertheless, as an aroace person, Isaac is at odds with the genre of the story in which he lives. The tropes that shows like this are built around don't work for him.

Something that really hammers this home is how the scene when Isaac and James kiss mirrors Charlie and Nick's first kiss. In both scenes, two boys are sitting on the floor away from the main action of a party, one admits to having a crush, the other nervously wants to know whether it's them, and then they kiss. In his version of that scene with James, Isaac is experiencing a moment that - for another character - could be a beautiful moment in a romantic storyline.

For viewers who weren't aware of Alice Oseman's promise of an aroace storyline for Isaac, his interactions with James in the early episodes of Season 2 could easily have been interpreted as the beginning of a romantic love story. The rest of the main Heartstopper group have certainly been viewing his friendship with James through that lens, as shown by the way they tease him about it. But those plot beats of a romantic story don't work for Isaac. Trying to fit into the romance genre pushes Isaac in a direction that feels wrong for him. He is the one person in his primary friend group who can't make himself at home in a romance story.

I don't mean this as a criticism of the show. There is a lot of value to love stories like Heartstopper and there is a lot of value to having aspec representation in a show like Heartstopper. But I think this is the reason why Isaac's plotline felt particularly heartwrenching for me. Sometimes being aroace does feel like being out of step with the genre of story everyone else around you is living. Sometimes it feels like trying to find a place for yourself in a narrative that wasn't built for you. Sometimes it feels like trying to prove to yourself (and the world) that you can still have moments that feel like swirling leaves.