#esp since the ace community is still developing and people need that sense of community. being aspec can be so isolating sometimes

[aroarachnid]

not to be cheesy but i actually love all those asexual in-jokes like dragons and cake and space and what not. like its literally so fun and silly whats the problem. did garlic bread push ur mom off a cliff or something

[aspecpplarebeautiful]

I wanna be proud of being ace, but like. I feel like I’m sexualising myself? If that makes sense? And also sexualising my peers. I’m a minor, so I feel like it’s bad that I’m even discussing my ace-ness, esp since I’m gray ace so I feel sexual attraction sometimes, even if rarely. Is it true that it’s weird to be proud of being ace? Esp at a young age? I just. It’s the discussion of sexual attraction and relations between teenagers, and ik that society is still weird about that, looking at you netflix, but still. Am I contributing to the sexualisation of minors? I def think literal children are off limits for saying wether they’re allo or ace bcus theyre children and they don’t even know yet, particularly with sexual attraction, bcus kids don’t feel sexual attraction. I think. And hope. And the argument of if they can id as straight then they can id as ace and it’s like neat! But also they didn’t even choose to id as straight thats society baby. And people saying they’re straight are probably focusing on the romantic part, not the sexual one. I’m getting off topic here. But like. I’m 14. Am I sexualising kids/teenagers? It’s weird to think people my age even feel sexual attraction tbh, (including me lmao) but I think that’s a common ace feel. I think. But am I? It’s implying the rest of them who are allo are, well, allo. And it’s not like society doesn’t consider that. They teach sex ed and have the cursed netflix shows and discuss things and crushes and stuff. But. I just can’t get over it. Am I sexualising others? Am I being overshary? I want to come out to my family, but does my mom really want to hear about how her child doesn’t feel sexual attraction except sometimes? I have this friend who says this kinda stuff all the time and also is an exclusionist, which uh,,, I’m not an idiot, they probably contributed a lot to me thinking like this. But are they right? Do I have internalized aphobia? Am I sexualising people? Idk I’m just. Agh :(

Alright so let’s start with the main question. I’m not sure what you mean by sexualizing your peers, but it’s very normal and natural to think of people your own age in a sexual way. Generally speaking I separate feelings that are largely outside of your control with actions, most 14 year olds will naturally think of other 14 year olds in a sexual way. But it’s still important to be respectful of people and boundaries and not actively sexualize anyone who doesn’t want it or hasn’t given consent. But yeah, generally speaking at 14 hormones are fairly strong and people are learning to deal with them for the first time and these thoughts are going to come up and that’s OK. 

Sexualizing minors is definitely an issue, but the big issue is adults sexualizing minors. (And god wouldn’t it be nice if we could start having more shows about younger adults figuring their shit out and navigating life if you wanted to do a show about young sexy people? The actors are usually that age already anyways.) And honestly a lot of your peers are definitely having similar thoughts and going through similar things. 

Children can actually experience sexual attraction, when people start experiencing sexual attraction can vary widely. It’s important to acknowledge this because people who do start experiencing it young need to know their experiences are normal too.

Sexual attraction, or looking at people sexually isn’t a moral flaw. Sexuality isn’t morally wrong. It’s important to respect things like consent and healthy boundaries, but generally speaking sexuality on its own is normal and healthy. You may benefit from looking into the sex positivity movement, sometimes they forget about asexuality a bit which is an issue (newer stuff is better though), but it’s important to see that perspective too, and unlearn the more puritanical ‘sex and sexuality is a sin’ idea our culture tends to push.

Yeah you can be a minor and ace or gray ace (both or whichever you prefer). As said above, actually at 14 a lot of people are experiencing sexual attraction already. People are still going through puberty until their late teens/early 20′s, so it’s always possible your orientation is still developing until then, and some teens do prefer to hold off, but it’s a personal choice. And whatever happens in the future doesn’t change that something is true now. It’s fine to go with and identify with how you feel right now.

For literal children identifying as ace (I’m assuming you mean like under 10 here), honestly that’s usually not an issue because of the way our brains develop, young children haven’t reached a point yet where they’re solidifying their identities and orientations. That usually starts to happen during the pre-teen and young teenage years. 

But also there’s no harm done in trying on a label and realising later that that label doesn’t fit. It’s a normal and healthy part of figuring out identity to look into and consider different ones and try them on.

I have to be honest that I was reading through this ask and wondering what you were reading/seeing, because a lot of this comes from exclusionist rhetoric. Exclusionist rhetoric is also very very good at getting into your head and making you doubt yourself or feel guilty for being your own orientation/hate your own orientation. This may sound extreme but this friend is probably not a very good friend to you, and if they don’t know you’re ace it will likely get worse if they find out.

Ace exclusionism (actually any form of lgbtqia+ exclusionism) acts as a hate group, they target specific groups and base their identity around their hate/fear of that group. The tactics are the same, they exaggerate the power of the targeted group to make them appear like a threat, downplay their oppression, and actively target and harass those groups, and slowly become an echo chamber.

At the very least I really strongly recommend following ace people and ace blogs so you are getting good information and can build up a support for your identity. Remember exclusionists will often lie, fact check anything you hear from them, but you’ll probably see too just from watching the ace community yourself that the picture they paint doesn’t match up to reality at all. 

So please take care of yourself and watch out for yourself.

All the best, and good luck!

[goodlesbianadvice]

basic rundown: i identified as ace for most of my life, either suppressed my libido or naturally never developed one, now i have no idea "how" to be attracted to people but when i try it only feels right thinking about women. how do i proceed? there are no resources for (questioning) lesbians in my school/town. if yall need more info just ask, i know this is vague, sorry

Mod j will probably have better advice with this, since she’s actually had times where she id’d as ace, but I’ll try and provide some insight as well.

At least for me, I consider attraction to be a natural, unconscious-type thing, while arousal/fantasy is something a lot more active that varies a lot from person to person. For me, the easiest way to start really recognizing and acting on my attraction to women was just…going for it, when I felt attraction to a particular woman, whether that was girls I met on places like OKCupid or (eventually) my now-wife.  It’s a lot easier to let feelings flow in that context than in reaction to a general concept of “women.”

If there aren’t local resources, then I think it can be really helpful to start immersing yourself in online communities, even if its just particular lesbians on tumblr or facebook groups. Some of them can be crappy (esp depending on your age), but making individual connections to lesbians can help a lot with achieving a sense of “normalcy” for attraction to women that you can’t get anywhere else.

I apologize again for not having the most particular insight on this – but my best advice is to just let yourself think/feel things freely, whether that’s a female fictional character catching your eye or some cute girl at the grocery store making you feel fluttery even after you leave. I think overtime, that can get you more comfortable with the idea of being a lesbian and a future relationship with a woman, if you want to pursue that.

- mod d

i identified as asexual for a few years in high school and i can relate! this may take work, but that’s ok. when you’ve suppressed for a long time, it’s not about trying to force yourself to feel or go after something, but rather about teaching yourself that there’s room for you to have these feelings. it sounds to me you’re not at the “going for it” stage yet. so let’s work on that. 

i’m responding to this based on my own experiences, but the starting point might be thinking of yourself as a sexual person in the first place. in a way this is building the confidence/getting used to the idea that you can experience sexual attraction and have it reciprocated. if you don’t normally masturbate, start doing that! how do you feel about another woman seeing you naked? if you have mental blocks about that, try to work out what they are specifically. (it’s normal to feel nervous or shy but if you’re like “absolutely not, no one will ever see or touch me,” that’s worth thinking about more.)

so let’s say now you have some libido and abstract interest in sex but you’re having trouble really seeing it as a concrete thing you’d desire. for me i kinda had some exercises to do. i’m gonna tell you something: it’s okay to look at real women and have fantasies.  so if you have a cute friend? it’s okay to think about, how would i feel about kissing her? if you feel a pull towards a woman, it’s okay to think about her physically and figure out what exactly did that for you. assuming you’re not becoming creepily obsessive about it,  these desires are normal and healthy and not hurting anyone! so once i started doing this i eventually started having ~sexy dreams~ that really kicked my butt into realizing i was a lesbian and not asexual.

another thing you could try is movies or books! assuming you haven’t already. but seeing lesbians and lesbian desire as a real thing was important. (i also had the advantage, i’m gonna be real, of cyber chatrooms lmao…where i could “experiment” virtually. i don’t think those exist anymore tho.) how do you feel when you watch or read sexy scenes? what about them makes you feel that way? that might help you get a handle on what you’re attracted to.

i hope i understood your question right and that this was helpful. if not, feel free to come back with more! but i’ve been where you are. and it’s okay, too, if you always have a low (or even non-existent) libido. that happens! i answered this assuming that’s something you don’t think is the “real” you, but as long as you’ve taken the opportunity to explore it and know you’re not suppressing it, it can be fine. either way, good luck :)

- mod j

I can understand where you’re coming from, I was raised catholic and the shame they taught me around matters of sex and sexuality left it’s mark on me. It’s part of the reason I didn’t come out until I was 26. Figuring out your attractions while simultaneously having a very complicated relationship to sex is never easy. However, your sexuality isn’t just about sex. The asexual identifier is very much just about sex, and the community has consistently pushed homophobic notions that being gay or bi is also just about sex. It’s not. A child can have a crush and realize she is a lesbian and there’s nothing sexual about that.

Now, we live in a society where one key aspect of homophobia is all about the sex we have. We are told from birth how gross and wrong sodomy is. We have the double whammy of misogyny telling everyone how disgusting vaginas are. No one can escape these sorts of messages in our society, so it’s no surprise that people with same-sex attraction can feel confused. We internalize that gay sex is gross, and of course we don’t want that so we must not be gay!

Here’s the thing, you can remove sex and your libido from the equation and continue to interogate your thoughts and feelings to figure out if you’re a lesbian. Recognizing right now you feel something for women is good start. I would say continue questioning your attractions and don’t even bring sex into it. Even if you figure out you’re a lesbian, and still find you have issues with libido/sex, it doesn’t make you any less of lesbian.

There’s no therapy for this kind of thing, but I know I have found it a comfort to talk to other lesbians who have issues with sex and libido too. I felt like a fake lesbian for a long time because I couldn’t date women, and yet i couldn’t date women bc my own mental illnesses prevented me from dating anyone. And yet, I am a lesbian. I found it to be an intrinsic part of who I am. And even if I may end up a forever single lesbian, I’m still a lesbian bc my attraction and passions will always be about women, even if I’m not sexually active.

It’s possible figuring out your attraction may help clear things up for you and your libido, but if it doesn’t, you’re still not alone. I wish you the best in figuring things out for yourself.

mod e