#the hallucination saga

[advisorsage]

I'm scared. Terrified even.

Things are happening really rapidly with my mental health that I don't understand and that terrify me. My hallucinations have gotten more frequent and I have a new kind (physical sensations) and I've just started having these weird paranoid thoughts? Ideations? I don't know what to call them. They don't feel like delusions. And it's all progressing so fast. I started seeing the slide about a month maybe a month and a half ago. Then a week ago the sensation of bugs on and in my skin started. Two days ago the paranoia/paranoid thought patterns started. About eight (ish?) hours ago I started feeling needle stabs in my skin. I used to only have some hallucinations occasionally. I'm terrified at how fast this is progressing. I see my psychiatrist in just under 2 weeks but I'm afraid something is going to happen before then. I just don't know what.

Today is October 7th, 2024 and as of writing this it's 2:40 AM.

When I have a chance I'm going to record a video describing my history weekly hallucinations and I plan to start documents my symptoms daily. Today is day one of that documentation. I hope that if something happens I'll at least have this to look back at to see the actual chain of events.

I really don't know what to do cause I can't miss class so I don't want to go to the psych hospital but if something happens that's where I'll end up.

This feels like drowning on an airplane. It's not the right place.

And while I know that the diagnosis I'm afraid of does manifest at this age and I do have the environmental factors for it plus an extended family member with it I'm hoping that it isn't that.

I don't know if I'll come out of my appointment on the 18th with a new diagnosis but I do know I'll probably have a new prescription. Yet another pill to add to the collection. Not like there isn't enough I have to take.

Oh and another thing. My compulsions have been worse since August. I don't know if that's connected or not. But my tourettes doesn't seem to be affected so whatever this is isn't hitting everything. Just most of it.

I'm so scared of what's happening in my brain. I feel like I'm becoming a different person and not in a good way.

Also I swore a little bit ago (I said Jesus out loud) and something in my head answered and when I was like. Stop it. Shut up. it said no. So that's not fun.

This will probably be posted after 3am and I won't be able to go back to sleep for an hour (i can't sleep unless i go to the bathroom immediately before and i can't get myself to feel safe leaving my room between 3 and 4 am so I'm trapped in my room for that hour no matter what) so it's likely no one will see this but I needed somewhere to record all of this and I don't feel comfortable doing the video with my parents (at least my dad) able to overhear. Having them as landlords and caretakers is weird and not something I want but it's what I have to deal so the video explanation may take a while or not happen realistically. I may just need to force myself to film on the patio.

If you've read this entire thing then thank you. Please don't point out what the possible diagnosis could be. I already know. I don't want to say it. Me being so scared of a diagnosis is a little mean to the people who have it (including my cousin). I'd rather not have this post in the tag for that diagnosis cause that could be harmful for them. These are my genuine feelings and I need to express them and be able to look back at them but I also don't want to harm an entire portion of the population. Especially since they experience symptoms I'm at least somewhat familiar with (for at least some of the symptoms) or have worked with people with those symptoms.

In fact if you could avoid tagging any mental illness or disorder on this post that would be great. I already know which ones I have and this isn't really the place for speculation on what my new diagnosis could be. I don't want to put my fears in spaces that should have resources and actual things about specific diagnoses. This post has mostly been a catalog of my hallucinations and fears so if anything leave it untagged beyond my tags that I'm going to use to find it again later.

I don't know why I'm so worried about that. It might just be more paranoia. Great first I'm paranoid about things at home now I can't trust my tumblr. Fuck my brain. (Ew that's a bad mental image)

I'm going to stop typing before I start ranting. Thanks for reading this shit.

[legally-killable-sparrow]

Odysseus is awake for nine days, right, and probably a very short nap

So basically I’m hearing that when Poseidon jogs up and gets all in their faces, Odysseus is almost definitely seeing the Hat Man do a little shimmy and the Charleston right on deck also

[xfilesinamajor]

EURYLOCHUS: “Hey Captain, I’m worried about how since we got that bag you’ve…you know…stopped sleeping? I was thinking maybe I should take a turn so you can…Captain? Hello?”

ODYSSEUS: (turns to him excitedly) “Penelope?”

EURYLOCHUS: (taking a step back) “Um, no, sir, it’s just me.” (looks closer) “By the Gods, man, you look awful!”

ODYSSEUS: (hallucinating like no tomorrow) “I can’t wait to make some new memories!”

EURYLOCHUS: “Yeah, we’re all excited to get home. Listen. Captain. You really need some sleep.”

ODYSSEUS: “Telemachus!” (tries to hug him)

EURYLOCHUS: (dodges) “Captain, can you even hear me right now?”

ODYSSEUS: “Time for me to be the father I never was.”

EURYLOCHUS: “Captain! Snap out of it!”

ODYSSEUS: “Why are my eyes and my heart and my soul so heavy?”

EURYLOCHUS: “Because you haven’t slept in nine days. That’s it, this is ridiculous. I’ll watch the bag, you go rest.”

ODYSSEUS: “I keep on trying to embrace you both, why won’t you let me?”

EURYLOCHUS: (has an idea, in a falsetto) “You need to come to bed, Odysseus, love.” (slips an arm under his shoulder)

ODYSSEUS: (raving) “So much has changed, but I’m the same.” (flinging his arms around EURYLOCHUS)

(A group of MEN sneaks behind them, reaching for the bag while they’re distracted.)

EURYLOCHUS: (trying to lead ODYSSEUS to a cot) “Uh-huh, of course you are you, come on now.”

(MEN grab the bag and huddle excitedly around it)

EURYLOCHUS: “Seriously, Captain, you should have shared watch duties from the start. Nine days without sleep? Are you nuts?”

ODYSSEUS: (muttering incoherently) “I’m the same…”

(The STORM suddenly rages)

[hallucination-edward]

[psychotic-system-culture-is]

Psychotic System Culture is...

Looking at yourself in the mirror, knowing it's you, recognizing that it's you

Or at least, the body

And having it just... look off

You don't know what, or how, or why

But it stops being you and starts being something that looks like you, moves like you, but not being able to recognize it as you

Which makes you afraid, because reality is wrong and you can't trust your mind

...I think we shouldn't be looking at mirrors anymore

[a-very-sparkly-nerd]

Okay okay okay but WHAT if Scylla's six heads kept changing to faces of those Odysseus wronged and the ones that haunt him? Dead crew members, Astyanax, Polites, Anticlea. And then, at the end, for just one second, it's Telemachus and Penelope.

[daylesspax]

Me: *Peacefully listening to Warrior of the Mind*

Me: …

Me: WAIT A DAMN MINUTE-

Okay, so, I swear I just heard the danger motif play during the whole ‘show yourself’ segment and I just need to know that I’m not insane 😭

So if anybody else heard it or if everyone knew already and I’m just slow, please tell me because the implications behind that are insane (or I’m over thinking it…)

[atomicradiogirl]

both sides now & broken - knives out

[advisorsage]

Gotta love it when a caretaker has to actually do caretaking things (I usually don't need my caretakers/landlords/parents to fill any role other than landlord) and instead of helping they do things that make the situation worse.

My mom has been trying, but she doesn't know what to do, and she's sick with a stomach bug right now, so I can't blame her. My dad, however, I can be angry at. He has a bar minimum knowledge of what's happening with my worsening mental state and upon hearing more details (including that I've been sick in my room all day due to paranoia) he forced me to get dressed and walk outside *at night* with him for an hour. I already wasn't feeling safe, and outside the house, I felt even worse. Factoring in that it's dark and nighttime makes things worse. I only like the dark when I'm in my bed, and it's keeping me from seeing anything do I have to sleep. And then forcing me to walk for an hour when I've been struggling with walking for extended periods adds more insult. His attempt at help feels like punishment. He claims he is helping. Like a surgeon having to cut into a patient. But the surgeon doesn't cut when the patient is awake. The surgeon waited for the necessary anesthesia to work. A more helpful thing would be to encourage me to go outside once the paranoia wears off and work up to longer walks. If he really wanted to help in the moment he could have asked me what I wanted to eat and offered to make that or get it for me. Or he could have offered a distraction. Instead he made me feel worse both mentally and physically. I also am covered in sweat now and desperately need a shower but I don't trust myself to do that without supervision. He didn't help. He made things worse.

Do you know what my mom did?

She asked me what I wanted to eat and went over the options of what we have in the house. After I couldn't find a solution with any of those she sat patiently with me while I tried to figure out what sounded good. Then when I said I wanted a burger she took me to get one. I've now eaten because she solved the problem. She also allowed me to break house rules and take my laptop into my bedroom so I can do my school work and feel safe. She helped.

Both of my parents have taken on the role of caregiver by bringing me back into their home. They both claim to want to help me through my issues and to want to support me. But only one of them has acted like a caregiver. And it's not the one that's physically healthy at the moment.

There is a caveat to this situation. My father thinks that exercise solves all problems. He believes that enough exercise will make me mentally healthy enough that I won't need medication for my anxiety and depression.

I should not need to point out that this is preposterous. Exercise may improve my mental health, but it won't work miracles. What I'm experiencing right now is paranoia, hallucinations, and psychosis. Exercise doesn't do anything to help with those. It might even make things worse by raising the heart rate, but I can't be sure. His misguided ideas will not help. It doesn't matter how much he believes. I cannot raise the dead and exercise cannot cure me. What will help is a treatment plan put in place by professionals. As well as patient, persistent focus on fixing the problem present at that moment.

[lysreadsbookssometimes]

EPIC from different POVs

In order of first vocal appearance, by Song Number:

Odysseus: 1-25; 29; 31-35

Zeus: 1-2; (24); 25; 30

Eurylochus: 1; 3; 6-8; 10-14; 15; 18; 22-25

Polites: 1; 3; 4; 6-7; (18)

Athena: (1-4); 5; (6-7); 8-9; 27-30

Polyphemus: 6-8

Aeolus: (10); 11-12; (13); (35)

Poseidon: (8); 12-13; 34-35

Hermes: 15; (30); 32

Circe: 14; 16-17

Tiresias: Songs 1-40, Shuffled

Siren Penelope: 21-22

Scylla: 23

Telemachus: 26-28

Antinous & the Suitors: 26-27

Calypso: 29; 31

Apollo: (21-22); 30

Hephaestus: (23); 30

Aphrodite: (8); (18); 30

Ares: (1); (23); (27); 30

Hera: 30

[shr1mply-here]

well.goodluck finding goob shrimpo.who knows what he's doing ...

[gingermintpepper]

I hear the original Odysseus and Epic the musical’s Odysseus are pretty different to the point they’re sorta their own characters- how do you feel about this?

Hello beloved Anon!! Thank you so much for the ask <3

Generally, I feel like a very big part of the appeal of adapting stories, especially myths, comes from seeing what these stories and characters mean to the author and how their interpretations of the themes and conflicts in a piece of classical literature are expressed in their interpretation of the story as a whole. This, naturally, means that I fully expect and look forward to unique interpretations of well loved figures whenever I hear that something is going to be adapted! I love being able to see what aspects of a character has stuck with an author, I love being able to trace said aspects back to the original myth and see what other places the author has picked up inspiration from along the way to inform their interpretations! A big part of the appeal of reading and interacting with a whole lot of different mythical media comes from my genuine excitement and anticipation in seeing how a favourite figure of mine has been adapted or how a moment from a story that I really like has been handled!

With respect to specifically Epic and the Odyssey, my opinions on how the characters have been adapted are somewhat mixed. Putting aside my general misgivings about the current writing of the musical, I really like the directions Herrans has taken with the theming and the broad strokes of Odysseus' character and consequent arc. I like the idea of Eurylochus as a well-meaning but still very fallible second, I like the idea of Odysseus and Athena's close-knit mentorship that completely goes to shit after the Cyclops Incident, I even really liked a lot of the representations of the gods - from Hermes' carefree and relaxed kind of power to Aelous' frivolous cruelty to Zeus' power and command prior to God Games. A lot of the interpretations in the Wisdom Saga are things I feel much more neutral-negative about though. While Telemachus' ingénue-esque naivete and enthusiasm in Legendary and Little Wolf is endearing, I much prefer the Odyssey's slight desperate but unfailingly politically apt Telemachus - the wily son who helped his mother with her staling schemes and who was praised for his wit by his father. Telemachus is a young man and while he's technically characterised as such in EPIC, he's also treated in the same way a Disney Princess is where she is technically a young woman but must still appeal to very small children and I'm just not a big fan of that. I'm also not a big fan of Antinous' characterisation though that was something I was originally intensely excited about in the early days of following EPIC! Hold Them Down is a song I'd been dying to hear a full version for because I felt like it captured the quiet menace of Antinous so well - his charisma, his vile motivations, his absolute disdain for the strong-willed Penelope who has thwarted his attempts to take Ithaca for himself and the way his mask has slipped from barely cordial but socially correct visitor to absolute monster who is willing to do anything to get that crown. Just, UGH, Hold Them Down had me HYPED, but the Antinous we got in Little Wolf was... inelegant. Not subtle at all, crass with his intentions - the kind of guy who would've gotten kicked out ages ago for contempt against the queen. The whole political aspect of why they couldn't just kick the damn suitors out is that technically they'd never done anything punishable that would justify rejecting them and sending them on their way. Antinous was the head of that malicious compliance - the one who had the intelligence to be menacing but not so much that his words could be blatant insults or threats. That was part of the whole point of Odysseus striking Antinous down first! Little Wolf's Antinous,,, was not that and I found myself intensely disappointed by it considering that he was that in the earlier versions of Hold Them Down.

My other misgivings in terms of characters just have to do with Apollo, Hephaestus and Zeus in God Games tbh. I'm someone who is generally more concerned with the portrayal of gods in a work than I am with the humans and EPIC has a super unique take on all of the gods that accompany and inhabit its world. I've made a separate post voicing my misgivings about Epic's Apollo but I don't have a long laundry list of issues with EPIC's Hephaestus, I just wish he had more time to shine and that there was more to chew on with respect to his argument. Zeus however is in a similar boat to Antinous where in the first half of the play he was perfect - literally the perfect neutral god-figure who was simply doing his job and obviously not personally swayed one way or another when it came to Odysseus and was maybe having some fun at his expense in Thunderbringer. His violence in God Games then was not only greatly surprising and seemingly out of character, it was also completely unsubstantiated in the story of EPIC itself. Zeus had nothing against Odysseus, he has no particular reason to bar Athena from rescuing him. Likewise, he is the one who offers up the proposal of a game, why would he have a problem with losing it? The reason of 'he doesn't like to lose' doesn't cut it for how extreme his reaction was and it completely undermines what was a genuinely super enjoyable and different take on Zeus in a modern Western-based greek myth inspired piece of media. Absolutely such a tragedy to me.

Of course, to me, the biggest actual crime of adaptation that EPIC's committed with respect to its characters is that we only have about 10 songs left based on Herrans' original outline for the musical and Penelope still has not had a single song or showing or meaningful reference apart from "I am Odysseus and I miss my wife (her name is Penelope)". The Odyssey was a twofold story split between Odysseus vibing on the way back to Ithaca and the political bullfuckery that was awaiting for him when he inevitably returned to Ithaca. The center of that aforementioned political bullfuckery was Penelope and Telemachus. Considering Penelope has been Odysseus' guiding motivation for the entire play, the fact that there has not been a single solid piece of real characterisation that can be attributed to her this late in the story is uh! Criminal actually, and it's the only thing for which I hold some level of genuine disdain over.

In conclusion: I generally quite look forward to people doing adaptations and interpretations of myths and such! I generally think EPIC's done a good job with the adventure and exploration part of the epic but the political and domestic aspect of it really isn't where Herrans shines as a writer and it shows.

[mythology-void]

i refuse to believe that the whole EPIC fandom was not SOBBING THEIR EYES OUT after Odysseus's part in "keep your friends close"

Bro the AGONY he must be feeling when he was like "why won't you let me(hold you)" 😭

I WAS CRYING YOU WERE CRYING WE'RE ALL CRYING

and I swear to God that moment after Penelope was all like "WAKE UP" and he woke and saw the coast disappearring in front of him

just the pure grief and rage and brokenness in that scream aisgfhksjah

his whole monologue broke my heart into a thousand and one pieces like

the EMOTION Jay put into his voice--i am SICK

[hallucination-edward]

Carlisle: Edward if the Volturi knew about Victoria they would have taken care of it right?

Jane: of course

Jasper, an empath:

[psychotic-system-culture-is]

Psychotic System Culture is...

Trying to research symptoms of psychosis and the types of disorders/conditions that can cause it, and not being able to find accurate/usable information because it doesn't take plurality into account

("Do you hear voices?" "Well, yeah, but that's just my headmates being annoying, I'm more concerned with the feeling there's something dangerous outside the door")

[depressedtheatrekiddo]

"I keep thinking of the infant from that night" but make it freaking Stevie Harrington who is haunted by being the survivor, who lost first Eddie and now Dustin too.

Dustin "If you die, I die" Henderson but the thing is Steve didn't die, he didn't.

And she was stuck here, because they had to. Robin was still there, they had to be together, she couldn't leave her alone. He had to stay because the rest of the kids were there too, maybe they didn't lost a sibling, a son, but they'd lost a friend too, and they were her kids too. He had to stay.

And maybe, maybe sometimes Stevie did see Dustin, sometimes, in dreams or hallucinations.

Maybe he became a monster to forget, as if it weren't for Dustin that time he might gone batshit before. Or maybe he became kinder, for him. Or maybe he choked on her own tears. Or maybe