#the hallucination saga

[advisorsage]

I'm scared. Terrified even.

Things are happening really rapidly with my mental health that I don't understand and that terrify me. My hallucinations have gotten more frequent and I have a new kind (physical sensations) and I've just started having these weird paranoid thoughts? Ideations? I don't know what to call them. They don't feel like delusions. And it's all progressing so fast. I started seeing the slide about a month maybe a month and a half ago. Then a week ago the sensation of bugs on and in my skin started. Two days ago the paranoia/paranoid thought patterns started. About eight (ish?) hours ago I started feeling needle stabs in my skin. I used to only have some hallucinations occasionally. I'm terrified at how fast this is progressing. I see my psychiatrist in just under 2 weeks but I'm afraid something is going to happen before then. I just don't know what.

Today is October 7th, 2024 and as of writing this it's 2:40 AM.

When I have a chance I'm going to record a video describing my history weekly hallucinations and I plan to start documents my symptoms daily. Today is day one of that documentation. I hope that if something happens I'll at least have this to look back at to see the actual chain of events.

I really don't know what to do cause I can't miss class so I don't want to go to the psych hospital but if something happens that's where I'll end up.

This feels like drowning on an airplane. It's not the right place.

And while I know that the diagnosis I'm afraid of does manifest at this age and I do have the environmental factors for it plus an extended family member with it I'm hoping that it isn't that.

I don't know if I'll come out of my appointment on the 18th with a new diagnosis but I do know I'll probably have a new prescription. Yet another pill to add to the collection. Not like there isn't enough I have to take.

Oh and another thing. My compulsions have been worse since August. I don't know if that's connected or not. But my tourettes doesn't seem to be affected so whatever this is isn't hitting everything. Just most of it.

I'm so scared of what's happening in my brain. I feel like I'm becoming a different person and not in a good way.

Also I swore a little bit ago (I said Jesus out loud) and something in my head answered and when I was like. Stop it. Shut up. it said no. So that's not fun.

This will probably be posted after 3am and I won't be able to go back to sleep for an hour (i can't sleep unless i go to the bathroom immediately before and i can't get myself to feel safe leaving my room between 3 and 4 am so I'm trapped in my room for that hour no matter what) so it's likely no one will see this but I needed somewhere to record all of this and I don't feel comfortable doing the video with my parents (at least my dad) able to overhear. Having them as landlords and caretakers is weird and not something I want but it's what I have to deal so the video explanation may take a while or not happen realistically. I may just need to force myself to film on the patio.

If you've read this entire thing then thank you. Please don't point out what the possible diagnosis could be. I already know. I don't want to say it. Me being so scared of a diagnosis is a little mean to the people who have it (including my cousin). I'd rather not have this post in the tag for that diagnosis cause that could be harmful for them. These are my genuine feelings and I need to express them and be able to look back at them but I also don't want to harm an entire portion of the population. Especially since they experience symptoms I'm at least somewhat familiar with (for at least some of the symptoms) or have worked with people with those symptoms.

In fact if you could avoid tagging any mental illness or disorder on this post that would be great. I already know which ones I have and this isn't really the place for speculation on what my new diagnosis could be. I don't want to put my fears in spaces that should have resources and actual things about specific diagnoses. This post has mostly been a catalog of my hallucinations and fears so if anything leave it untagged beyond my tags that I'm going to use to find it again later.

I don't know why I'm so worried about that. It might just be more paranoia. Great first I'm paranoid about things at home now I can't trust my tumblr. Fuck my brain. (Ew that's a bad mental image)

I'm going to stop typing before I start ranting. Thanks for reading this shit.

[legally-killable-sparrow]

Odysseus is awake for nine days, right, and probably a very short nap

So basically I’m hearing that when Poseidon jogs up and gets all in their faces, Odysseus is almost definitely seeing the Hat Man do a little shimmy and the Charleston right on deck also

[xfilesinamajor]

EURYLOCHUS: “Hey Captain, I’m worried about how since we got that bag you’ve…you know…stopped sleeping? I was thinking maybe I should take a turn so you can…Captain? Hello?”

ODYSSEUS: (turns to him excitedly) “Penelope?”

EURYLOCHUS: (taking a step back) “Um, no, sir, it’s just me.” (looks closer) “By the Gods, man, you look awful!”

ODYSSEUS: (hallucinating like no tomorrow) “I can’t wait to make some new memories!”

EURYLOCHUS: “Yeah, we’re all excited to get home. Listen. Captain. You really need some sleep.”

ODYSSEUS: “Telemachus!” (tries to hug him)

EURYLOCHUS: (dodges) “Captain, can you even hear me right now?”

ODYSSEUS: “Time for me to be the father I never was.”

EURYLOCHUS: “Captain! Snap out of it!”

ODYSSEUS: “Why are my eyes and my heart and my soul so heavy?”

EURYLOCHUS: “Because you haven’t slept in nine days. That’s it, this is ridiculous. I’ll watch the bag, you go rest.”

ODYSSEUS: “I keep on trying to embrace you both, why won’t you let me?”

EURYLOCHUS: (has an idea, in a falsetto) “You need to come to bed, Odysseus, love.” (slips an arm under his shoulder)

ODYSSEUS: (raving) “So much has changed, but I’m the same.” (flinging his arms around EURYLOCHUS)

(A group of MEN sneaks behind them, reaching for the bag while they’re distracted.)

EURYLOCHUS: (trying to lead ODYSSEUS to a cot) “Uh-huh, of course you are you, come on now.”

(MEN grab the bag and huddle excitedly around it)

EURYLOCHUS: “Seriously, Captain, you should have shared watch duties from the start. Nine days without sleep? Are you nuts?”

ODYSSEUS: (muttering incoherently) “I’m the same…”

(The STORM suddenly rages)

[australet789]

Me, analizing Odysseus: "Penelope is Ody's final goal"

Jorge, today: "Penelope is Ody's final goal"

Me:

[jal-the-jinxed]

hi hello hey i am so normal about the ruthari reunion it is literally everything i hoped for

i dont have all the screenshots to properly scream but i am So Normal someone sedate me

[zuppizup]

Something something characters connected to the moon arcanum hallucinating against their will…

Which is to say, I’m an Arc 3 Moon Arcanum Callum truther

[manga-and-stuff]

Source: Vinland Saga ヴィンランド･サガ

by Makoto Yukimura

[psychotic-system-culture-is]

Psychotic System Culture is...

Looking at yourself in the mirror, knowing it's you, recognizing that it's you

Or at least, the body

And having it just... look off

You don't know what, or how, or why

But it stops being you and starts being something that looks like you, moves like you, but not being able to recognize it as you

Which makes you afraid, because reality is wrong and you can't trust your mind

...I think we shouldn't be looking at mirrors anymore

[hallucination-edward]

[a-very-sparkly-nerd]

Okay okay okay but WHAT if Scylla's six heads kept changing to faces of those Odysseus wronged and the ones that haunt him? Dead crew members, Astyanax, Polites, Anticlea. And then, at the end, for just one second, it's Telemachus and Penelope.

[advisorsage]

Gotta love it when a caretaker has to actually do caretaking things (I usually don't need my caretakers/landlords/parents to fill any role other than landlord) and instead of helping they do things that make the situation worse.

My mom has been trying, but she doesn't know what to do, and she's sick with a stomach bug right now, so I can't blame her. My dad, however, I can be angry at. He has a bar minimum knowledge of what's happening with my worsening mental state and upon hearing more details (including that I've been sick in my room all day due to paranoia) he forced me to get dressed and walk outside *at night* with him for an hour. I already wasn't feeling safe, and outside the house, I felt even worse. Factoring in that it's dark and nighttime makes things worse. I only like the dark when I'm in my bed, and it's keeping me from seeing anything do I have to sleep. And then forcing me to walk for an hour when I've been struggling with walking for extended periods adds more insult. His attempt at help feels like punishment. He claims he is helping. Like a surgeon having to cut into a patient. But the surgeon doesn't cut when the patient is awake. The surgeon waited for the necessary anesthesia to work. A more helpful thing would be to encourage me to go outside once the paranoia wears off and work up to longer walks. If he really wanted to help in the moment he could have asked me what I wanted to eat and offered to make that or get it for me. Or he could have offered a distraction. Instead he made me feel worse both mentally and physically. I also am covered in sweat now and desperately need a shower but I don't trust myself to do that without supervision. He didn't help. He made things worse.

Do you know what my mom did?

She asked me what I wanted to eat and went over the options of what we have in the house. After I couldn't find a solution with any of those she sat patiently with me while I tried to figure out what sounded good. Then when I said I wanted a burger she took me to get one. I've now eaten because she solved the problem. She also allowed me to break house rules and take my laptop into my bedroom so I can do my school work and feel safe. She helped.

Both of my parents have taken on the role of caregiver by bringing me back into their home. They both claim to want to help me through my issues and to want to support me. But only one of them has acted like a caregiver. And it's not the one that's physically healthy at the moment.

There is a caveat to this situation. My father thinks that exercise solves all problems. He believes that enough exercise will make me mentally healthy enough that I won't need medication for my anxiety and depression.

I should not need to point out that this is preposterous. Exercise may improve my mental health, but it won't work miracles. What I'm experiencing right now is paranoia, hallucinations, and psychosis. Exercise doesn't do anything to help with those. It might even make things worse by raising the heart rate, but I can't be sure. His misguided ideas will not help. It doesn't matter how much he believes. I cannot raise the dead and exercise cannot cure me. What will help is a treatment plan put in place by professionals. As well as patient, persistent focus on fixing the problem present at that moment.

[shr1mply-here]

well.goodluck finding goob shrimpo.who knows what he's doing ...

[daylesspax]

Me: *Peacefully listening to Warrior of the Mind*

Me: …

Me: WAIT A DAMN MINUTE-

Okay, so, I swear I just heard the danger motif play during the whole ‘show yourself’ segment and I just need to know that I’m not insane 😭

So if anybody else heard it or if everyone knew already and I’m just slow, please tell me because the implications behind that are insane (or I’m over thinking it…)

[atomicradiogirl]

both sides now & broken - knives out

[lysreadsbookssometimes]

EPIC from different POVs

In order of first vocal appearance, by Song Number:

Odysseus: 1-25; 29; 31-35

Zeus: 1-2; (24); 25; 30

Eurylochus: 1; 3; 6-8; 10-14; 15; 18; 22-25

Polites: 1; 3; 4; 6-7; (18)

Athena: (1-4); 5; (6-7); 8-9; 27-30

Polyphemus: 6-8

Aeolus: (10); 11-12; (13); (35)

Poseidon: (8); 12-13; 34-35

Hermes: 15; (30); 32

Circe: 14; 16-17

Tiresias: Songs 1-40, Shuffled

Siren Penelope: 21-22

Scylla: 23

Telemachus: 26-28

Antinous & the Suitors: 26-27

Calypso: 29; 31

Apollo: (21-22); 30

Hephaestus: (23); 30

Aphrodite: (8); (18); 30

Ares: (1); (23); (27); 30

Hera: 30

[mythology-void]

i refuse to believe that the whole EPIC fandom was not SOBBING THEIR EYES OUT after Odysseus's part in "keep your friends close"

Bro the AGONY he must be feeling when he was like "why won't you let me(hold you)" 😭

I WAS CRYING YOU WERE CRYING WE'RE ALL CRYING

and I swear to God that moment after Penelope was all like "WAKE UP" and he woke and saw the coast disappearring in front of him

just the pure grief and rage and brokenness in that scream aisgfhksjah

his whole monologue broke my heart into a thousand and one pieces like

the EMOTION Jay put into his voice--i am SICK