#the first time I ever wanted to kill myself

[transmaverique]

[img id

pictures of several pages from the sinister wisdom issue credited, reading as follows:

June 12 2016

A friend sent me word that the Klan had littered a house in Birmingham with flyers that said "trans abomination", that said "go pee behind a tree". And when I looked, yes, there was the familiar graphic, the hooded man pointing a finger, saying "The Klan wants you" -- to leave town, to die. Said they'd punish mixing Black with white, they'd punish mixing F with M, and any bi-going-in-between. No mixing, no mixing it up.

The power to put a symbol on anything, on a water fountain and say "white water" and "black water". Turn the four-pronged steel handle so the water spurts down like blood from a severed artery, spurts up in a sullied arc.

The national committee of one of the two ruling political parties in the U.S. is passing laws to make it illegal to walk through a toilet door if you don't match it's little stick figure. Otherwise, they say, go outside into the woods, you belong outside "civilization", and pee behind a tree.

Or the police will come and drag you out before the world with your pants down and your cunt hanging out of your jeans or your balls hanging out of your dress.

The power to put a symbol on two doors, and say sheep that way, goats this way. One path to heaven, one path to hell. "Men" that way, "women" this way.

The power to use those words and deny there is any doubt, any doubt at all, about what those words mean.

The power to use those words to cut up your body, your dear, dear body. The power to press those words down over our lives, cutting a bleeding circle out of who we are. The punishment when you are someone who can go through either door.

The power to look at those two doors and refuse to go through either. The power and the pride when you are someone who can go through either door, and do.

Now the anniversary of Stonewall, and the Tuscaloosa newspaper headline reads "PRIDE". People are marching in New York City, San Francisco, Sao Paulo, Sydney -- all around the world.

It's been two weeks, exactly, since the massacre at the Pulse gay dance club in Orlando, Florida. There 49 people -- lovers, friends, mothers, children, many Latinx -- lay dead and more gravely wounded.

So I saw the headline and foolishly thought, "Here's a bit of comfort, a word of courage." But no.

It was a brag about the Alabama football team, chosen by the editors for no particular reason this day except to scrape our raw wounds with the message that their PRIDE was not our queer PRIDE.

The first Pride event I went to wasn't in June. A man had been beaten to death on the Eno River, at a little swimming hole in North Carolina where gay men sometimes cruised. He was married, with two children, and then he was dead at the hands of those who hated queerness.

On April 17, 1981, over a hundred of us rallied in front of the Durham County Courthouse. Mab Segrest read a statement she'd written that began "We don't want to die."

That's pretty much the gist of why I ever march in Pride. That we still die dancing in a gay bar in Orlando because we are lesbian or gay or bisexual or trans, a relative or even a friend of queerness, proves the need to keep saying what should be obvious: "We want to live." To insist that we have the right to live, dancing in the street.

Leslie and I marched once in Winston-Salem in the middle of lightning and thunder for North Carolina Pride. We held hands in the pouring rain, up to our thighs in the flood that swept past us in the streets. I was so happy. There was a time I had thought I might kill myself there, after I lost custody of the boys for my "crime against nature".

When she and I were marching, it was the mid-90s, Senator Jesse Helms was still doing his best to make our lives miserable, African-American churches were burning all across the South, and the Klan was having one of its revivals.

Leslie spoke of revolutionary communism and the crowd cheered. Hundreds of us chanted and sang and danced through the rain, shouting defiance.

At some point she let go of my hand and rushed away, to return with a present -- a tiny plush trans-species bear sporting a pair of tie-on bunny ears.

My funny bunny, my Leslie, who knew so well how to live, who knew how to fight for our lives with every weapon she had, including laughter. Her smile, the dimple in her cheek when she smiled. Revolutionary optimism.

/ end id]

minnie bruce pratt, from sinister wisdom issue 122: How Can A Woman Who Is With A Trans Man Call Herself A Lesbian? spring 2024

[the--firevenus]

The missed opportunity of this fandom to not make an au of baby Terry being Bruce child and last of the Batfam addition

HEAR ME OUT. I KNOW THIS IS VERY FANON AND OOC... BUT CONSIDER THIS. IT'S FUNNY. AND FUN.

In the au Terry exist via clone made by Cadmus or something ala Conner Kent, but instead of mix DNA with someone, it's purely Bruce's DNA, and maybe some enhancement (maybe actually mix with someone but idk, put that in the clipboard) .. But here the catch, somehow the existing of this tube baby caught in the wind and he was rescue by the Batfam (don't asked me the logistic, stick with me, this is brainstorming session)

But, unlike the usual test tube kid or whatever. Terry is just a human baby, a child. Sure Bruce had taken care of Damian when he's young but not this young. And technically? Terry is his son?? Right?? Logistically???? If he raise him? Even tho he also technically a clone??? Whatever. Put that on the clipboard.

Que in the shenanigans, Bruce that was like thinking he's a veteran of taking care of kids by now, suddenly fubbling and start at square one of parenting again cuz THIS IS A BABY... Sure he had took care of other people baby for a bit, learning how to change their diaper and make baby formula... But that someone's else's kid and he only took care of them for a while... THIS IS NEW.. NEW BABY... WHAT IS SUPPOSED TO DO!?!?!? (some part of him was kinda happy to take care of Terry that young cuz he never got the chance to do the same to Damian)

Que Dick kinda amused seeing Bruce looked like the same guy that first adopted him, clueless of parenting (even tho that's not true) and unsure, I think he'd help Bruce around when he had the time, buying baby formula and diapers, or maybe offer to cover Bruce's patrol shift once in a while (you think you've seen Bruce being sleep deprived juggling his vigilante life, his playboy sona life and being a dad of 6+? THINK AGAIN. the new baby had him PASSED THE FUCK OUT whenever he can. Plus man is old. You can't blame him for no longer as agile as new parents are)

I think Jason (if we assume this au is Jason and Bruce relationship being better) would be like "I'm only here to see the baby", and he did, but he also told Bruce to go nap "you look like me after lazarus pit old man", in my head Jason I'd a great babysitter cuz he had helped Roy with Lian, he knows his way, kinda, while talking to the baby as if it's a big man, "listen when you're older, I'm your favourite okay, and I will taught you All the things B didn't want you to do >:)"

Felt like Tim would be the most experienced in the "clone but also not really" department cuz... Yk... Probably advocate any health check if Bruce asked, he may experience with it on someone older in age but Terry is a baby, they need plan if things goes sour and Tim had plans if Bruce need backup. With that said, I like to think when he hold Terry up in his arm, he's suddenly the most over protective brother ever, "I only have this child for a day but if anything happen to him, I will kill everyone in this room and then myself" (and he meant it 100%)

In my head Damian would be the one that felt the most conflicted of Terry existent, on one hand.. Yes they technically share the same blood as the Waynes, but he also so used of being the youngest one, suddenly he felt his position threaten even tho he's aware this baby can't even defeat him even with 100 years of training, he scowl at the baby in Bruce's arm, unpleased of this newcomer that threatening his heir position,,, then baby Terry hold Damian hand and how the tiny baby hand can only hold one of his finger.. " He is so weak father.." "that's because he's still little.." "he's useless.... I shall be there to train him stronger when he's of age." ( "in the meanwhile I will protect his soft bones")

Alfred when he saw baby Terry was a bit stunned, he looked just like baby Bruce it's actually insane but also endearing. Suddenly he smile so fondly remembering the day when Thomas and Martha show him then newly born Bruce to him, so soft, so fragile, so innocent untouched of the cruelty of the world. He found himself promising to do his duty to this new Wayne the same way he said to Thomas and Martha the day Bruce's born.

[xxsinisterbunniexx]

could you do one with the creepy pasta boys where maybe a victim somehow manages to catch them off guard and the reader sees and without thinking nd just out on instinct they end up killing the victim and saving the creepy pasta boys and how they would react to that and seeing the reader covered in blood for the very first time? i’m sorry this is really long😭😭🙏

Wow very cool ask 😮 sorry this took me a bit, I started writing this as headcanons and then I realized that it functioned better as mini ficlets so that’s what I did

Creepypasta boys seeing reader covered in blood for the first time ︶꒦꒷♡꒷꒦︶

Characters: Jeff the Killer, Ticci Toby, Eyeless Jack, BEN drowned, X Virus, Tim/Masky, Brian/Hoodie

Jeff

You had been seeing Jeff for a while, and though you had an inkling about the type of work he did, you’d never pressed too much for details. Knowing what you did about Jeff, even if you had pressed he probably wouldn’t tell you much. But the curiosity was killing you, so you went against your best judgment and followed him, desperate to know the life he led when he wasn’t with you.

He had just corned his victim, starting with a few slashes to get them riled up before he went in for the kill. You weren’t the best at hiding. Very quickly, you caught his eye and he was completely thrown off. You weren’t supposed to see this.

Taking the distraction as a chance to escape with their life, the victim attacks Jeff, knocking his knife out of his hand and tackling him.

Oh no.

This was all your fault, you shouldn’t have came but… now you needed to do something. In a flash, you had picked up his weapon without thinking, guttural screams erupting from you as you stabbed it into the victims back, over and over until they weren’t moving anymore. Jeff was stunned, seeing your face covered in blood as you panted. The adrenaline wore off and you crumpled to your knees. He pushed the body off of him, not knowing what to think as he looked at you.

In a way, he almost felt… emasculated. He totally could’ve handled it if you hadn’t interfered. Did you think he was weak?

On the other hand, seeing how far you’d go for him only filled him with more adoration for you. He never wants you to do it again, but it was endearing that you’d do it at all.

“I’m sorry… I didn’t… I wasn’t trying to interfere.” You were stumbling over your words, feeling so panicked.

“Didn’t realize you were so stuck on me.” He said smugly, drawing you out of your head. He pulled your body close to him, lifting your chin. “I can’t lie though, you look pretty hot like this.”

Now your heart was racing for a different reason.

“You’re not mad at me?” You asked in a small voice.

God, he loved you to death. You’d just witnessed him about to murder someone for the first time and you were worried about him being mad at you.

“Of course not.” He pressed a quick kiss to your lips. “But don’t ever do that again. I can handle myself just fine, sweetheart.”

Toby

Toby didn’t mind bringing you on missions. In fact, he kind of loved it.

As long as you didn’t get too close.

He’d never want anything to happen to you, so he made sure you’d maintain distance if you came with him. Which was never really an issue. You had an incredible ability to just block out what Toby was doing.

He could just pop some headphones on you and leave you in the car and you’d sit there patiently until he was finished. Other times, you were allowed to watch from a short distance, so long as you were out of the way.

Today, you were perched up in a tree, watching from above as Toby took care of his victim down below.

Toby was the type to “play with his food” so to speak. He would often chase his victims around, making gashes and cuts in their arms and legs until it got too hard for them to run.

This victim was particularly vigorous, despite the extensive damage to their body, they were still fighting tooth and nail for their life. Toby didn’t mind that really, he couldn’t feel any of the pain they were inflicting on him, so it was all the same.

It wasn’t uncommon for Toby to sustain a bit of damage after a mission… but this time it was getting bad. They were really getting some hits on Toby, and while he wasn’t flinching at the damage, you were. An anxious feeling was rising in your chest. You knew Toby had no way to gauge when the damage was too bad.

After a particularly harsh blow, you couldn’t take it anymore. You dropped down from the tree, grabbing one of his hatchets that he dropped earlier in the encounter.

In a flash you had bolted toward the victim, swinging the hatchet at their throat. The blood spattered all over you, and yet you felt nothing as their body sunk to the ground, finally lifeless.

“Why -fuck- did you do that?” Toby eyed you with giddy curiosity.

“They were hurting you.” You said simply, tossing the hatchet to the ground. The weight of your actions hadn’t reached you yet.

He bit his lip, grabbing your body and trapping you in a bear hug. “This is almost better than seeing you covered in my cum.”

Your face went red at his vulgar comment, but you couldn’t help but just sigh, sinking into his hold.

Needless to say, he was obsessed with you, even more than before. While he had no problem taking care of his own kills, he’d definitely need to see you do that again.

Eyeless Jack

Murder was a sin you’d never even think to commit. You hated the idea of it all together, and anyone who would do something like that.

But ever since you met Jack, you understood that sometimes it could be a necessity.

He was so gentle to you, so loving. It wasn’t his fault that his body could only survive off organs. You’d come to accept long ago that, in order for this man you loved dearly to live, others must die.

But you never thought you’d be fully confronted with that reality.

Jack came to you one day, horribly injured, barely clinging to life. You were shocked and horrified. He was a demon. How could anyone even inflict this much damage on him?

Slenderman had found out about his relationship with you, and as such Jack was punished. The evil entity had harshly reminded him that proxies weren’t allowed to find love outside the mansion.

Your eyes filled with tears, holding him in your arms. “Jack I’m sorry…. I shouldn’t have…. I don’t know…” you were at a loss of what to say.

He lifted his hand, gently cupping your face. “Don’t be. I’ll never regret loving you.”

“What can I do…? I… how should I help you?” You asked.

He’d already bandaged up the wounds, using his knowledge to stop the bleeding, but there was another problem.

How would Jack hunt?

You could never kill someone, but what could you do in this situation? This time it was necessary. Jack needed to eat. You couldn’t watch him writhe in agony like this. He’d never heal if he was starving.

You didn’t even dare raise the question. You knew he’d just tell you it would be fine. But you knew it wouldn’t be.

So you did what needed to be done.

When you came back, covered in blood, Jack couldn’t believe what he was seeing.

“I brought you something…” you said in a small voice.

His jaw was dropped open. “How did you…” he trailed off, knowing he already knew the answer.

He was so unbelievably grateful, but he was almost in tears. He never wanted you to have to do that for him.

He was so conflicted by the sight of you covered in blood. You were so delicate, so gorgeous. His heart swelled with adoration for you, knowing you were more important to him than anything else in this world.

However, at the same time, he etched the image into his mind. He’d make sure he never saw you like that again.

BEN drowned

Ben loved you. He truly did. That’s why he liked to push you sometimes.

“If you really love me, you’ll kill for me.”

Your jaw dropped when you heard the words he’d said.

This wasn’t the first time Ben had tested your love for him. All the other times you didn’t mind to do as he asked. He needed the reassurance, and you didn’t mind providing it to him.

But this was…

He wanted to see how far you’d go. He wanted to see if you were truly as devoted to him as you claimed to be.

Would you throw away your humanity for him?

You swallowed hard, finally directing your eyes to the person tied up in the corner of the room. Their body was completely bound and their eyes were blindfolded. You could only hear muffled whimpers coming from their duct taped mouth.

You felt sick. You couldn’t imagine how scared they must be.

“Ben, I-I-I just can’t.” Your voice shook as you stumbled over your words.

His face fell, his expression looking so deeply hurt. It made your heart twist, but the thought of doing what he was worse.

“I’m already making this so easy for you. I’m not asking you to hunt someone down and dismember them. All you have to do is slit their throat.” The knife is his hand gleamed in the light.

Your body just shook. What the fuck were you supposed to do?

“Fine. I’ll help you do it.” He pushed your body closer to your victim, handing you the knife.

You whimpered as he grabbed your hand, guiding it towards the person’s neck. It was so much quicker than you’d expected. Your knife sliced through their skin, blood splattered all over you, and in just a matter of seconds they were dead on the floor in front of you.

You couldn’t believe you’d actually done it. You were horrified, catching a glimpse of yourself in the mirror, covered in blood. You felt so disgusted, trying not to puke at the sight.

But Ben had never seen you look prettier.

X Virus

The lab was such an intriguing place to you. Not only because Cody was there, but because of the type of work he did in there.

You could never really understand all the stuff he talked about, but you were learning little by little, and you were fascinated by all he taught you.

You were perched up on top of one of the lab tables when Cody came in, the newest victim slung over his shoulder. He put them down on the table, their chest still rising and falling.

This one was just asleep, not dead yet. He was patient today.

If you were lucky, like today, you actually got to see Cody test new viruses. It was an experience like no other, seeing all the effects on a persons body. It exhilarated you. Well, for the most part. Just up until the death.

You didn’t love that part but… it was a necessary sacrifice. The work he was doing was so important. He needed subjects to test on, so you’d long accepted that this was part of the process.

“You contained yourself today.” You smiled.

He set his bat down, coming over to pat you on the head. “I really wanted you to see this one.”

You were already buzzing with excitement. “Well let’s see it.”

“Just one second. This formulation has to be kept at a very specific temperature.” He went to go retrieve the mixture while you tried to wait patiently.

You eyed the victim, noticing them start to stir a bit. They weren’t bound at all, completely free, lying on the table.

“Cody…?” You called.

There was no answer.

Suddenly the victim jolted up, fully alert and awake. They screamed until their eyes settled on you, and then they immediately lunged for you.

You dodged quickly, your heart racing. The adrenaline had you acting quickly, picking up Cody’s bat.

You swung and swung, and by the time you were done the lab was covered in red. You panted, sinking down to the floor.

Cody finally returned, almost dropping the vial when he saw the state of the lab. But then he saw you, and he immediately set it aside and dropped to the floor, holding your body.

“What happened?”

“They just suddenly got up and started attacking me. I didn’t know what to do.” Your voice was panicked. “I’m sorry… the experiment…” you trailed off.

“Hey, it’s okay. You did the right thing.” He shushed you, gently petting your hair. “I’d never want any harm to come your way.”

He was shocked honestly, he didn’t think you were capable of doing that. At the same time, he was so impressed with you. You were so much stronger than he thought.

Tim/Masky

Tim always wanted his lives to remain separate. Masky’s existence made that pretty easy for him.

That was until you became a part of his life.

He loved you. He couldn’t stand being away from you, even when he wasn’t himself. It seemed Masky had grown pretty fond of you too.

But like all good things in his life, everything became tainted by that vile entity. It loved finding new ways to torture Tim.

A mission right in the area you live in? Great. Just great.

He had his victim in an alleyway, hoping to get this over quickly. Having you see him do this was his worst nightmare.

“Tim…?”

He was filled with dread to see you stopped right in front of the alley, just as he was about to off his victim. Your eyes went wide and his stomach dropped.

He froze, completely unable to move. You quickly regained your senses after the shock, flying over to Tim, holding his face in your hands. “Tim…! Tim….!”

You were trying to get him to respond to you, but he was stuck. You heard a groan and looked over to the victim that was still lying on the ground next to you two.

You were at a loss of what to do. You needed to get Tim out of here, but suddenly something he had told you in the past had popped into your head.

If Tim didn’t finish out his jobs, he would be killed.

Your stomach dropped. You grabbed Tim’s shoulders, shaking him a bit. “Tim… please….!”

It was no use. You realized what you had to do. You grabbed the metal pipe that Tim had dropped earlier, hoping you could make this quick.

Tears streamed down your face as you finished Tim’s job, crumpling to your knees as soon as it was over.

Tim watched you in shock, trapped inside his own body, helpless to stop you but forced to watch.

After that night, you hadn’t seen Tim.

He couldn’t bring himself to be near you after that. The image of just how much he had tainted you haunting him. He wasn’t worthy of being around you, not after what he forced you to do.

You wondered if it was your fault. Endlessly reaching out to him with no answer.

After weeks without hearing from him, you started to feel restless. You didn’t know how you were feeling, unable to discern what was bringing you back to the alley where you’d bludgeoned someone to death.

But it was the last place you saw Tim.

You walked into it, just a plain old alley. You scoffed, not even sure why you had come here. Until you looked up and saw him.

“Tim…?” You almost didn’t believe your eyes.

He wrapped his arms around you. “I’m sorry…. I shouldn’t…. But I missed you too much.”

“It wasn’t your fault just… please don’t ever leave again…” your voice was choked up with tears.

“I won’t.” His voice was certain as he held you close to him.

Brian/Hoodie

Brian was never afraid to show his true nature to you. He’d long accepted that Hoodie was a part of him and that murder was a part of his life.

Which is why he knew it had to be you.

From the moment he’d met you, he could see it. Just something different about the way you carried yourself or maybe it was that look in your eyes.

Something told him you wouldn’t flinch at the graphic displays you’d surely witness if you were around him often enough.

Sure enough, he was right. You didn’t seem to mind the nature of his work, even to the point where he could bring you while he did it.

You’d take any excuse to be with Brian anyways and Hoodie was pretty exciting to be around too. Overtime, as your adoration of Brian grew, so did your interest in his work.

You’d never had these urges before, but something about seeing Brian do it just made it seem appealing almost.

You tried to keep it under control. What would Brian think? I mean yeah, he did it, but he was also kind of inescapably bound to an evil entity that was forcing him to do so. You didn’t have a reason. Maybe he would be disgusted with you. There was no way you could tell him how you were feeling.

Although you thought you were good at concealing your interest, Brian had started to notice it pretty early on. He wondered when you’d get the guts to ask him, but months had passed without a word from you.

One day he had brought you on a mission. It was a fairly easy kill, the victim would be easy to take out.

Just as he was going in for the kill, he stopped, turning to you.

“Wanna give it a go?” He asked, extending his arm out to you, holding a knife.

“What…?” You were so thrown off. Had you heard him right?

“I said, wanna give it a go?” He reemphasized his words.

You hesitantly took the knife, still unsure if he was playing a joke on you. But when you looked at his face it seemed like he was serious.

You hesitantly stepped forward, looking over the victim before swinging the knife down quickly, stabbing them.

You loved the feeling, repeating the action over and over until you were covered in blood, panting from the exertion. You were so hyper fixated on the kill that Brian’s voice startled you.

“Wow, I didn’t know you had it in ya.” He chuckled, ruffling your hair.

“I…” you were embarrassed about how into it you had gotten.

“You look very cute like this.” He smiled, taking your hand and helping you up.

Your heart fluttered. He accepted you. You couldn’t believe it.

“Alright, now let’s take care of this junk.” He joked, lightly kicking the body.

Hope you enjoyed!!!! :3 sorry if this doesn’t fit the prompt exactly, I wanted to switch up the scenarios to make it fit the characters a bit better

[kwpw-vent]

I didn’t need to act as my sisters’ mom, I was 12-13 for crying out loud 😭

[lieflipsiege]

ezmerelda d'avenir you have to stop. You smoke too tough. Your swag too different. Your bitch is too bad. they'll kill you

[charlesemersonwinchesteriii]

I do really want to terrorpost but I don't feel qualified to be in that fandom man...... everyone is so smart and creative and they all have advanced degrees and I'm just sitting here like I think the lieutenants are in love :3

[yalibat]

have a lil bit of selfshipping..

[cecenyss]

I can’t believe they ended the umbrella academy season 4 with I think we’re alone now. They do not deserve I think we’re alone now.

[rabbithaver]

every so often i will see a post from a leftist on this website that is so egregiously ableist that i remember that like. oh yeah the userbase of leftists on this website is violently anti-disabled people and will jump at any chance to demonize any of us for any reason. i just forget that fact because i'm extremely dedicated to curating my space

i'm paraphrasing here but i saw a post that said, "every time i see an American [disabled person] mention being scared about the election because they're afraid of losing their benefits i have to laugh. anybody who wants blood-soaked money from the US government deserves to starve" which. like. goodness that's a lot to unpack. i think we should burn the whole suitcase instead !

[selfinflictedgunshotwound]

sorry for only saying this type of shit lately but i kinda wanna drive a car straight into a brick wall at the highest speed possible

[kaurwreck]

It's actually really appropriate that bsd happened to me because I learned about the Sengoku period of Japan from Samurai Warriors. I was moé Oichi in the very first dream in which I exercised volitional control over the dream narrative and environment.

[cuteniarose]

The consequences of my poor financial decisions are here!!

[5eraphim]

[rosykims]

finished rogue trader. so mad about it i had to take a nap and then start a whole new playthru again to cope <3

[moe-broey]

Sequence of Events:

> Got a new vest for Christmas (YAY!), planning on customizing it. The vest seems to be one of those fast fashion mimics of the punk "aesthetic", so it came w some premade patches (two easily removed, one is in a "ripped open" hole that I'm gonna make my first major target)

> I'm sketching out ideas in my notebook. Ect. No clean ideas yet. Something w teeth, though.

> SISTER EVENT. Been helping her move/set up her new place, so I've been knocked out of my usual drawing routine (which is fine! But...)

> YESTERDAY. AGONIZING. While I had time before helping again. The whole ass day p much. TRIED SO HARD TO ART. THE ART WAS NOT ARTING. IT WAS SO SAD. WASTE OF DAY WASTE OF MEDICATION. ECT

> TODAY. Since I'm out of rhythm/practice, I do something I literally NEVER fucking do. Which is proper artist warm ups.

> Since I'm still split/not sure what I wanna focus on (helping out again, earlier in the day this time), I'm working on that same jacket sketch page

Results?

Mmmeeeaaaawwwewwwweww................. a!

[jacubesilvora]

Hmm.