#the first time I ever wanted to kill myself
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The kettle whistled on the stove and Adam used one of his many tentacles to retrieve it to pour some tea for everyone.
Lucifer was concerned about this angel coming down killing overlords, he didn't want anything to happen to Adam. Not that he couldn't handle himself but still, Luicfer loved him and wanted him safe.
Lucifer: Well, at least the hotel will be a safe place from the crazy angel.
Adam: Yeah.... At Vox's dollar.
Rosie: Sweetie what is it with you and Vox? I know a little but.
Lucifer took his hand and Adam smiled.
Adam: When I first got to Hell it was exactly that, Hell. I went through maybe dark days where many unsavory things happened to me. Vox found me and helped me. He was relatively new to Hell too but he had already made a bit of a name for himself. We were friends, good friends.
He squeezed the mug in his hand, Adam relaxed feeling Lucifer's thumb brush over the other.
Adam: If Valentino hadn't of come into the picture we might have been more than friends who the fuck knows. But that STD filled moth changed him and not for a good. We argued and it broke our friendship, he wanted more than friendship but......... After some of the things I saw him do, like the things done to me. I couldn't put up with it anymore. So I decided I would become an even stronger overlord than him.
Adam: And I almost was, keep in mind this all happened in a span of two years. Which hey, I think it pretty fucking impressive if I say so myself. Then we had that physical fight and things were never the same.
Lucifer kissed his hand: Thank you for telling me dove.
Rosie: Awww, aren't you two sweet?
Adam: Well! That's enough time wasting to talk about him. What are we to do about this angel?
Lucifer: We need to find out who it is first. I'm actually surprised no one in heaven has contacted me about this. But on the same hand I'm not.
Adam: And I was telling Rosie here that she should stay at the hotel.
Rosie waved her hand: Oh Adam, I told you I'm fine dear, honest!
Lucifer: Well, if you ever change your mind you're more than welcome.
Rosie smiled: Thank you your majesty, you're very gracious.
Lowkey want an au where Adam has Alastors' powers.
The tentacles
The eyes
The changing size
The shadows
The sass
The deal making
Him owning Husk and Nifty
The musical numbers
The radio control
The tentacles- have I mentioned that before?
The rivalry with Lucifer
Maybe he replaces Alastor entirely. No Alastor. Only Adam. It's always been Adam.
Thanks for coming to my tedtalk.
Only Adam lol This is good! His Husk and Nifty could be Lute and Peter.
He doesn't have to smile all the time does he?
Yessss, and he plays rock instead of jazz lol And yes of course there is a rivalry lol
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Ep 27 loose thoughts
Well, that's one way of snapping someone shell-shocked out of making a drastic decision. I feel like PSJ snapped something in herself at this moment, too. Anyone else found the ancestor's commentary going on in the background while the girls are bawling their eyes out hilarious? Just me? Okay.
While I was waiting for the ever burning wood to activate or something, the moment WX opened the box to reveal dried flowers I choked. ZYC!!!
Baby!Yichen breaks my heart, so impressionable, so open to learn. It's interesting to see that the phrases about suffering we've seen him use as an adult might have come from WX... Not a fan of telling people in mourning to stop dwelling in misery and sadness like it's as simple as flipping a switch (not to mention, she apparently *just* met him for the first time? The heck?), but at least the rest of her words seem to have helped him... so much that he kept the flowers 😭 The irony of her snow metaphor contrasted with their current predicament is indeed exquisite, A+ for that.
Are they going to be saved by the power of lurrrrve??? (At least this time. Still holding out for how that's gonna play out in the finale.) I mean, what other way to sway an ancient creature who's seen pretty much everything there is to see, than to show them something new? What's that? A test for a future event? (I'm getting really paranoid about nothing we've seen so far being real. It's like Alice in Wonderland on a bigger scale. Or Finnegans Wake on a smaller scale. I don't know.)
Oooh Bingyi and Ying Long, our original doomed couple (of self-sacrificial idiots)! I would watch a whole drama just about them. And damn, I can definitely see where Zhao Yuanzhou got his masochism from. Stoppppp not "Just let me be the first star"! (Especially since I just remembered ZYZ's "I'll be the rain...") It's not supposed to be literal! 😭😭😭 Ahhhh this scene just broke me, also because it seems to reinforce the idea that ZYZ *has* to be killed for the greater good. The visualssss in the execution- sacrifice? What the heck do I even call it?- scene though, soooo good!
"Let me do it myself." LET ME DO IT MYSELF??? FUCKKKKKKK DAMNIT HE JUST- ::head in hands, crying forever::
"Remember. This is my choice, not yours. You don't have to bear any blame or guilt." That's not how that works. That's not how any of that works!
Again, we're dealing with choices. But the fact that ZYZ choice was the same as Ying Long's... the fact that YL says that neither he nor Bingyi had any regrets... oh this is going to hurt.
Oh? ZYZ's future is not what he wants? (And wouldn't that be funny, considering ZYZ's own words while schooling ZYC in the very first ep... 9 times out of 10, things don't go our way?)
"You two are really like us." 😭😭😭
I was wondering if they were going to show us what ZYC saw, and not only does the image of ZYZ's body on that dark floor mirror Ying Long's body floating in the water, both ZYZ and ZYC wear the same clothes as in the very few scenes from the trailer that didn't happen yet... These poor sods, they've been Going Through It for almost a decade now with the only end in sight being yet another tragedy (even if the drama seems to suggest that they don't see it that way at this point.) ::head in hands, crying continues::
"My friend is here. We'll go together." The *sound* I made. Everything else this drama has given me aside, the growth of these characters and their bonds is so well done, and absolutely precious to me.
I want Ying Long's hopes and wishes for them to become true. Seeing how there's hints everywhere in this drama, I hope the words of one of the most powerful beings in existence will count for *something* in the end! (Am I grasping at straws? Maybe. Let me be delusional for a bit longer.)
What do you mean, five, ZYC? What's Ying Lei, chopped liver?
Oof this *almost* hug before WX starts feebly hitting ZYZ. It's relief, it's anger, it's fear for the next time, it's all the feelings that became too big to contain. I feel her so much. (I would've started whacking both him and ZYC way earlier tbh 😅) And ZYZ allowing her that release before pulling her in for reassurance, patting her as if she was a scared child. 😭 Cut to PSJ, looking as if she wanted nothing more but to be the one offering the reassurance to WX. Cut to ZYC, remembering that willingly or not, he's going to hurt WX beyond reassurance. Once again, the bonds in this drama!
Wait hold up hold on what? You just removed Bingyi's blood from him, that should mean that ZYC will not have to become a demon, right? So what's that about developing the inner core? (Also, I just realized that so far all they got from this trip was "go east and ask for a dragon scale" lol) Thankfully him and ZYZ had their conversation(s) about titles and identities so being asked to make that particular choice was not completely out of left field at this point. And all he cares about is whether that means that the last trace of Ying Long will disappear! 😭 (I'm so with Bingyi on this one... I would hold onto that last shred of my friend's existence, too, *especially* if they offed themself via my goddamn sword.)
What's with that look after he says that he thinks he has it - the inner core - is there a joke here somewhere? (I *gotta* go back to learning the language, the things I'm undoubtedly missing on!) The only thing I can think of is - did they think he said he's pregnant??? ::dies:: "So what's your true form?" "Must be dragon." "I say you're a mule." "Better than being a monkey." "I'm a white ape!" ::dies again:: Nice to see we still get a friendly ribbing between all of them, and I can breathe after all the angst. Fingers crossed? There's still 5 minutes left...
Oh good, let's talk about getting Bai Jiu back! (I knew there was one more character from the opening credits that didn't show up yet... guess it's the rebel princess.) While Ao Yin is eavesdropping! Talk about good hearing. Sigh, here it comes, another goal they have that will conflict with Li Lun's; they want the scale to restore the sword, and LL not only doesn't want that to happen, the scale could potentially help him get rid of the poison.
Oh for fuck's sake, I think I was subconsciously waiting for Chongwu Camp to show up, knowing that they've eavesdropped on the gang earlier, and here they are. ZYZ should really think of putting up some sound barrier when they discuss important plans, everyone seems to know exactly what they'll be doing at any given moment!
Ahhhh we're getting a nod to that little cough and stumble WX had shortly before this trip. Something's wrong with Baize token? Or with her connection to it? We only have 7 episodes left, drama!
(ZYC is such a good little brother.) Oh great, it was the rebel princess who killed WX's dad? I repeat, we only have 7 episodes left!
Sigh... with only 7 episodes left, we *also* find out that the goddamn 3-face-mask has history with the princess? And has everyone and their mother sat on that little bridge???
This feels like the endless final scenes in Peter Jackson's "Return of the King," my head is spinning.
Note to self, *stop* looking at previews. Ying Lei, what the absolute fuck?
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Hey! You probably have already been asked this question- and I know you’ll probably never see this- but I’ve been thinking about this and curious about this lately, uh-
What are all the things killer went through during his time under the control of his frisk? Both cannon and head-cannon? I have a few head-cannons myself but am really curious what others think and what the cannon is!
It’s okay if not answered, am just a curious soul wondering about stuff-
Well, first, it wasn’t his Frisk he was under the control of—Frisk is actually hardly mentioned in Something New outside of the first few panels of the first page of the comics, and Killer saying he misses stabbing Frisk’s face when asked if he missed Frisk.
It was Chara, and the Player—basically one and the same in Something New, even if Chara the dead child potentially wants something more. All the Player ever really wants from Killer’s existence is something new, after all. Chara’s the one who wanted a partner in crime.
As for what happened between them, the fun part is—we don’t actually canonically know. We can make guesses based on the beginning, when Killer turned on them, and some things based on after they ended—how Killer still sees them and hears them and listens to them, how he feels watched by them constantly, as if they’re living inside him.
This tells me just how codependent their relationship was—and how scared and powerless Killer feels beneath them, even as he feels he needs them and that he still has to listen to them, even if he doesn’t want to—even as he struggles to realize that he doesn’t want to, because he wants what They want.
Even if he has a new “master” now in the form of Nightmare. It tells me that Chara’s wants and priorities and needs have always taken priority over anything and anyone else—especially Killer himself.
It’s like..how a baby doesn’t realize they are separate from their mother for the first few months of their life. Except Killer never truly realized that he is separate from them. Or that they are separate from him. He has internalized them, and in many ways, has become them. Something he struggles to make sense of.
Killer doesn’t know who he is or what he is, what he wants—if he wants anything at all. He doesn’t know what is or isn’t real—why he feels and behaves about certain things. Why everything both does and doesn’t feel familiar, and yet still he is always just separate.
Chara provided directions. They represent identity and direction and stability, certainty and structure. They scare him and hurt him and confuse him, and he hates them and fears them in equal measure, but no one has understood him like them. Not even himself.
I’m sure he also didn’t use to understand why he was ever scared of or disobedient of Chara before—if something ever triggered him into Stage 1, such as his own hesitance to kill Papyrus. Stage 2 may not have held the same emotional ties to Chara that Stage 1 does or hold the same anger and hate that Stage 3 does or the fear and reverence that Stage 4 does; but it wasn’t like he knew anything else besides them with certainty.
He knew he needed them. He didn’t know fully why, he just did. He could try to explain why but it’d be through the lens of what Chara taught him: control or be controlled, the most Determined decide fate, etc.
He holds on these contradictory views and experiences with Chara, likely dissociated and compartmented into his four Stages, but all just as true as eachother.
They made him. He exists because of the Player, sure, but Chara basically raised him. The Player speaks through them, they act on our behalf. There may even be no difference between Chara and God in his mind in Stage 4.
And try as he might, he can’t pry their pieces out of him.
All of it suggests heavy levels of manipulation, conditioning, gaslighting, dependency, and abuse to me. The specifics aren’t said or shown or even confirmed, but the fact that out of all his shadowy hallucinations of everyone he’s killed—living in his head—Chara’s the only one who’s more than a shadow and has sway over his choices seems to say something about their relationship.
Anyway, a lot of things could’ve likely happened when he was with Chara. Who knows how long they were together—Killer likely doesn’t know. How many timelines they went through together.
I do like to think that there was an entire timeline where Killer and Chara overthrew Asgore and ruled the Underground themselves at some point, because Princess Killer and Killer being conditioned through royal etiquette is an idea I love. I also think he was conditioned through childhood nursery rhymes, games, gestures, and sayings that are loaded with specific meanings that only Chara and Killer themselves know. Their own little language.
I think Chara gave Killer Asriel’s golden locket, to basically make Killer into the better “Asriel.” I do believe he was often threatened and kept in line through the use of the Reset—something Killer, back when he was Sans, hated and dreaded more anything.
(And by that I mean, he was either threatened with a Reset if he didn’t do something, or forced to repeat something over and over through the use of the Reset until he either did it perfectly or without thinking or hesitation. Until any attempts to resist results in an instinctive overriding of his own will via the triggering of Stage 4.)
That original sentiment was likely twisted over time, but still present in some shape or form—such as the need for something new, and to not constantly do the same thing over and over again, even as paradoxically, Killer has a tendency to do the same things over and over again thanks to the role of the Resets in his conditioning.
I’ve made a post before about like, Chara and Killer making the killing into something like hunting games, can’t find it. But I like to think there was a punishment-reward system that Killer internalized as well, especially in Stage 4.
I’ve mentioned before how i hc that Killer and Chara had a pinky swear system that could never be broken under threat of grievous harm to whichever party breaks the promise—and as a result any promises made via pinky swears with Killer from absolutely anyone is basically the same as signing away your right to live if you ever break it.
I’ve mentioned how I think the one death Killer has never experienced before is buttercup poisoning. But basically, anything you think could happen has possibly happened, except ya know..weird stuff.
Reality is a game, and the Underground is their sandbox.
#howlsasks#anon tag#canon k1ll_sans#kinda#buttercup duo#cw conditioning#utmv#sans au#sans aus#killer sans stages#killer sans#killer!sans#undertale au#killertale#undertale something new#kc chara#something new chara#bad sanses#bad sans gang#nightmares gang#nightmare’s gang#killertale sans#something new#utmv headcanons#nightmare sans#nightmare!sans#something new player#something new sans#undertalesomethingnew#saying weird stuff bc I’ve already seen weird stuff w/ chara & killer from the fandom ☹️. don’t do that.
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i'll grow the bones myself (then i’m alone again)
1962 words
okay, even mumbo can admit that he’s milking it now, but grian said they’re allowed to kill each other in between the wild cards now, and he is not missing an opportunity like that! besides, aside from gem and joel (who he has- solidly given up on killing by now) these guys are the team with the most dark greens. also, he spent far too long digging the stupid hole in slow motion, and he is not letting it go to waste. it is pretty boring, as far as traps go. he doesn’t have a great grasp on time, especially not since it all went haywire earlier, but mumbo is fairly certain he’s been sat waiting for someone to walk above the hole for at least two hours now. at least he can listen to their conversations, which have been.. kind of interesting? it's a bit like listening to someone else watching some kind of reality tv show, but you have very little context to what's going on and also you can’t see anything. honestly, it could be worse.
a fic in mumbo's pov that's really not about mumbo at all this is a continuation of this fic! the following happens pretty much immediately afterwards
what is up with me this week i'm on a roll omg im a writing powerhouse over here
okay, even mumbo can admit that he’s milking it now, but grian said they’re allowed to kill each other in between the wild cards now, and he is not missing an opportunity like that! besides, aside from gem and joel (who he has- solidly given up on killing by now) these guys are the team with the most dark greens. also, he spent far too long digging the stupid hole in slow motion, and he is not letting it go to waste.
it is pretty boring, as far as traps go. he doesn’t have a great grasp on time, especially not since it all went haywire earlier, but mumbo is fairly certain he’s been sat waiting for someone to walk above the hole for at least two hours now. at least he can listen to their conversations, which have been.. kind of interesting? it's a bit like listening to someone else watching some kind of reality tv show, but you have very little context to what's going on and also you can’t see anything. honestly, it could be worse.
"oh, pearl!" comes scott's voice all of a sudden, and mumbo (who definitely wasn't falling asleep) has to press his hand to his mouth to stop himself from yelping in surprise. "how'd- what's wrong?"
"i’m just going to bed." pearl says, distinctly dejected- which is honestly not something mumbo has ever heard from her before. it feels weird to be overhearing.
there's a kind of scuffling from above, as if they were- fighting? that seems wrong. but pearl says, "get off-" and maybe they are actually fighting.
"I just- what is it?" scott says again, and there's something weird about his tone that mumbo doesn’t think he has enough context to understand. he almost laughs at the idea- he needs to go back and watch the earlier seasons.
pearl scoffs (at least, mumbo's pretty sure that's what that noise was). "it doesn't matter- let me get past."
mumbo knows there's- some kind of history between these two, so maybe that's what's going on right now. not that he knows much about it—any time he asks about it, he only gets a clipped version of 'they were soulmates' and then something about them leaving one another. honestly, it depends entirely on who you ask if you want to know who left who; no one seems to be able to agree. he's been told a couple times that scott would be biased, and he knows better than to ask pearl.
"i’m your teammate, I should know what's going on." scott says, and it doesn’t quite sound like anything he’s heard a teammate say. even the southlanders after they fell apart- there was always some kind of.. fondness. "if you made us an enemy-"
"i’ve done nothing!" pearl says, indignant. "why is that your first thought? i’ve been on a walk-"
"pearl, don’t lie to me." scott says, almost exasperated, and mumbo thinks he should press grian harder for answers about double life. "you look like a kicked puppy."
pearl makes a noise of frustration, before there's a cry of surprise from scott and a thud on the ground- directly above mumbo's hole. ironically, he finds himself hesitating; he kind of wants to hear how this plays out. "how's that for a kicked puppy?"
"what are you doing?" scott exclaims, and mumbo notes that this is the first time he’s heard scott actually sound angry, rather than suppressed annoyance. "we're meant to be a team-"
"never stopped you, did it?" pearl says, and her voice makes it sound like she's trying not to cry. it- he’s not been playing these games for as long as everyone else has, but. is it normal to miss your ex-teammates? "never stopped me, either- i'm not sure why you're surprised, scott."
"is that what this is about?" scott says, and mumbo wonders if he's still on the floor. "you’re still upset about double life? I died so you could win-"
"that's all you do, isn’t it!" pearl half yells, voice close to breaking, and the silence that follows is deafening. "you kill yourself and make people watch- or you make them do it! and you call it a noble sacrifice- maybe I didn’t want to win, scott." her breathing is heavy, and- something occurs to mumbo. "maybe I just- maybe I just wanted someone who cared about me."
mumbo moves carefully over to the edge of the pit, checking his comm to see exactly where peal and scott are positioned, shovel at the ready. maybe he can get two birds with one stone here. or shovel, he supposes.
"where the hell is this coming from?" scott demands. "what happened?"
pearl takes a shaky breath. "I found someone who cares about me. and- and I threw it away to do justwhat you did to me."
if they could just stay still for a couple seconds-
"I- pearl, i died to save you- i’d do it again." scott is saying, and he’s finally standing still enough for mumbo to start digging.
"are you even listening?" pearl demands, taking a step towards scott. mumbo really hopes he can pull this off before one of them moves too much.
"i’m listening-" scott says, exasperated. "I don't think you know what you’re talking about."
pearl gives a sharp, humourless laugh. "fine- you want to die for me?"
mumbo breaks through the layer of grass, watching as the dirt around it begins to crumble- and he’s just managed to miss scott. of course he has! will he ever get a trap to-
"go and die!" pearl yells, and suddenly scott lurches backwards into the hole- into the pit-
smajor1995 was doomed to fall by pearlescentmoon
there's a ringing silence, broken only by pearl's gasp as she realises what she's just done. she drops to her knees and looks into the hole- and her eyes fall onto mumbo.
"hi." mumbo says awkwardly. "um. I think that one counts as yours."
pearl just stares at him for a long moment, and he’s suddenly worried he’s misjudged the whole situation. "out- out of all the traps that could have worked." she gives a weak smile. "how long have you been.. down here?"
"oh- several hours." mumbo says. "it- I wasn't expecting- y’know."
"all that?" pearl says, with enough of an amused (if still rattled) look in her eye that mumbo feels confident enough to nod. "yeah, I- neither was I." she hesitates. "do- I don't suppose I could hang out at your base for a little while? i’m not sure.. i’d like to stay here too long."
mumbo is nodding before his mouth catches up. "no- yeah, definitely. it- mounders for life, right?"
and at that, something lights up behind pearl's eyes as she grins. "absolutely."
the walk back to the terrifyingly precarious mess of bridges is not nearly as action packed as mumbo expected it to be. apparently someone had moved or broken a bed at pearl's base, or maybe scott had just slept elsewhere, because they didn’t encounter him at all on their way—not that either of them were complaining.
it's- it's weirdly comforting, to fall into old jokes and familiar patterns. mumbo had forgotten how much he enjoyed hanging out with pearl, and the way they both seem to have the same kind of jittery nervousness that almost cancels each other's out. pearl seems to remember a moment mumbo had hoped she'd forgotten, and spends about five minutes complimenting his pit-making technique and how incredible his timing is, and mumbo is distinctly red in the face by the end of it all—much to pearl's amusement. and strangely- he doesn't seem to care. because pearl is happy. gosh.
"so- I have to ask," mumbo says, a little tentative to disrupt the warm nostalgia that has surrounded the two of them. "what.. was it that I overheard?"
"ah." pearl's smile looks a lot sadder all of a sudden, and mumbo immediately regrets saying anything. "yeah. it wasn't.. really about scott. or- I don’t know, maybe it's all about him. everything has to be." she scoffs to herself. "chain of events kind of thing." pearl half mutters.
"you said- you said something about him dying?" mumbo asks cautiously. "and- now is.. probably the best time to mention- no one has really explained what happened in double life between you two?" something in pearl's expression shifts, and mumbo scrambles to add, "and i’m- i’m happy to stay in the dark, if you want me to!"
pearl smiles again, shaking her head a little. "I- no, it's alright, I just. everyone's still a little nervous to bring it up." she grins, glancing away. "they knew how much I was hurt by it."
as they pass through birch trees, pearl explains with more detail than mumbo thought he would ever get: how she seemed to have broken a rule she was never told was in place, the way her mind seem to shatter from that one single moment onwards, how she's not sure it's quite stuck together again. she explains tilly, and the powdered snow, and how even martyn didn't seem to like her even though they'd done the same thing, and the aching injustice everything was tainted by.
and she talks about those final moments. she talks about how she watched the person she adored and despised blow himself to bits in front of her face, how she felt the shattering of her ribs before she went along with him, how he had to have that last line- that last word, even though she won. it was still about him. and winning itself, pearl explains in a low voice, was the worst thing she'd ever had the misfortune of experiencing. mumbo offers his hand, and she takes it, and it doesn't feel so big.
"I think- I think people don’t want to upset me." pearl says, and it takes a moment for mumbo to even remember how this conversation had started. "but I also think.. they feel guilty, that they didn't do anything more."
"do you blame them?" mumbo asks, all restraint forgotten.
pearl shakes her head, smiling sadly. "I used to." she wipes her eyes. "and then I did it to someone else." pearl looks past mumbo, and he follows her gaze to see gem's barn in the distance, and he understands. "it's easy to pretend you were noble, when you’re scared."
"i’d- i’d disagree that's the same." mumbo says. "similar, but not the same."
"yeah." pearl says, still distant. "she said that too. not- not quite as gently." she grins a little.
mumbo hesitates. "earlier.. you said something about finding someone who cares about you. do you. care about her too?"
there's a pause as pearl seems to consider- though it doesn’t seem to be the answer she's considering, but the wording. "I wasn't sure. for a while." she settles on. "and then I realised how much i’d hurt her, and then- how much I hated that. so- yeah. I care about her."
mumbo nods, understanding just a little too well. "thanks. for- for explaining, I mean. it.. seemed like it was hard."
pearl gives a scoff of a laugh, and some of the tension dissipates. "yeah, no kidding. I don't suppose you have any baggage we can talk about to lighten the mood?" she teases, and mumbo laughs.
"nothing particularly poignant." he grins. "i’m glad my trap worked. how's that for- for life altering moments?" mumbo offers, laughing at himself.
pearl is grinning along, and at least she seems happier now. "I mean, i’m pretty glad it worked too." she looks over her shoulder at the top of the base poking out of the birch leaves.
"you had fantastic timing, after all."
#i’ve been listening to all my daughters by dodie and now all my titles are lyrics from that song HKFD#I recommend it's a very nice song#dodie is just an overall great artist I love her sm#honestly i’m getting pretty good about writing arguments i’m happy with this one#idk how i’m gonna get pearl and gem to make up we'll find out together#this is the closest i’ve come to writing a chaptered fic in 2 years look at me go#gempearl#<- I mean that's what it's about#is there a duo name for any of these guys actually idk#the mounders#divorce quartet#<- close enough??#pearlescentmoon#scott smajor#mumbo jumbo#wren writes#this is such a specific fic i’m just realising now LOL#trafficblr#trafficfic#wild life smp#wlsmp
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I didn’t need to act as my sisters’ mom, I was 12-13 for crying out loud 😭
#Idk where that came from sorry#had a whole zone out thing wondering why I feel like I was robbed of something from when I was younger and yeah#for like an entire year whenever we were at my mom’s house it fell upon me and my older sister to make sure the two youngest got sufficient#-meals and that they actually went to bed#And when I told my mom I couldn’t spend a whole week at her house and asked for 1.5 and .5 time split she got really mad at me#My mom didn’t like my dad#it was distressing#the first time I ever wanted to kill myself#I think I went passively suicidal from then to now and just never realized it#bc the thought of dying never bothered me I was like “oh whatever I don’t care”#That’s a deep vent lol mb#⏱️-+*#I want to cry thinking about it now#but i think im being dramatic
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ezmerelda d'avenir you have to stop. You smoke too tough. Your swag too different. Your bitch is too bad. they'll kill you
#curse of strahd#ezmerelda d'avenir#my character is currently in an unseen enemies to the worst crush of his life on her rn#when we came across her she couldn't open van richten's door#but as time went on he got impressed by her#she gave us blueprints to castle ravenloft and he fell in love so bad#varis: we should ask her if she wants to camp with us rather than in her wagon. for. uh. safety#meanwhile ez is like 'i can take care of myself.'#varis recommending the worst first date ever: hey do you want to come kill hags with us#ezmerelda: ...are you mocking me?
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just finished malevolent relisten. needless to say the obsession has been rekindled tenfold its previous magnitude
#im so fucking isnane about this podcast#ok notable reactions:#john.. Oh my god. It’s so insane to go back and hear how much he’s changed in the way he talks and reasons and treats arthur#i love you john doe malevolent#fav trans allegory ever!!!!!#definitely relate to him a normal amount (liar voice)#and then. S2. I really need to make that animatic with lonesome dreams#godddd i forgot how painful the ep18 divorce was#and then!!!! the canna mentions helping noel escape!!! completely forgot about that part#s3. oh my god. absolute fav season. soooo many crazy moments.#like coda??? “You want him back.” “I want him safe.” You want him baaack.” “I want him back”#KAYNE I FUCKING HATE THAT RAT BASTARD.NEED TO BASH HIS HEAD IN WITH A ROCK BUT HES A FREAK AND HED ENJOY IT SO I CANT#piece od shit#and then 23/24??????? arthur’s happy cry-laugh???? dead#part 25. “I killed myself. For a voice in my head. Do you know how mad that sounds?” what if IIII killed myself#26. god. Then 27. And 28. Literally my fav season ever#followed closely by s4#ohhhh my god i forgot how hot the butcher is like genuinely#i completely forgot prelude somehow???? giggling kicking my feet twirling my hair the whole time#i need to be this homicidal gay irishman hes so hot oh my god#the 29 divorce. with the movie lmaoo#i need to draw them going on a night out and seeing a movie and getting dinner and drinks and dancing and (gets shot)#gooddddd i remember listening to 31 for the first time and being so fucking confused#PART 33. HIT ME RIGHT IN THE EMOTIONS. OH MY GOD. BELLA SALTZMAN I COULD’VE TREATED YOU SO MUCH BETTER#34….. i can’t speak about 34 without barking and howling like a rabid dog#dog. Is that a butcher refere(gets shot for the third time)#NOELLLLLL MY DARLING WIFE I LOVE HIM SO MUCH#this has just inspired me to keep writing hofth with ella tbh#lowkey don’t even get the obsession with oscar tho i can’t be talking#to each their own or whatever
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have a lil bit of selfshipping..
#im killing myself#WHY IS IT SO EMBARRASING TO POST HELP#i dont think i had ever drawn something so detailed for lazysketch.. ough#this is really self indulgent#thanks#sniff#ok so i wanted to do a “first date” kind of drawing yk#im not good w backgrounds but. i tried my best#lazysketch#i will get better#with time#snifff#okay#spooky month#spooky month fanart#bats cant draw!#spooky month rick#rick hedony#not tagging the small ones. too embarrasing#Rain Whiskers
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Can you imagine how annoying it is for Wei Wuxian, strongest cultivator of his time (when using modao and/or guidao), to hear people say that cringe Jiang Cheng killed him?
#pallas.rtf#mdzs#i imagine he eventually goes to lotus pier and demands!!!!! a rematch. IN public. i'll kill myself in front of you again and then you'll CRY#and everyone will see you're a BIG LOSER CRYBABY WHO COULD NEVER KILL ME IF I DIDN'T WANT TO DIE!!!#and jiang cheng. who was raised with this energy. is just like you'll only kill yourself if i don't kill or incapacitate you first#rules: no one who wants to have sex with you can interfere.#wwx like ohoho so i can still have wen ning huh 😏#and jc just looks at him for a long time and then says. No.#wwx like WAIT THAT'S NO FAIR BECAUSE THAT RULE ONLY APPLIES TO ME!!! since you're unfuckable and no one would ever marry you 😏😏😏😏😏#at which point they give up the formal fight and just wrestle each other into the lake and try to drown each other#just like old times 🥰
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I can’t believe they ended the umbrella academy season 4 with I think we’re alone now. They do not deserve I think we’re alone now.
#i think we’re alone now#the umbrella academy#tua season 4#season 4 tua#tua s4#tua#tua spoilers#absolute DOGSHIT#I’m genuinely so mad#I’m also about to cry#because like yeah it was bad writing#yeah I hate what they did with five and Lila#but do you know how absolutely shitty it makes me feel?#to still be in the same DECADE as when I first wanted to kill myself#to still be in the same week as the last time I thought about killing myself#to have had thoughts#suicidal thoughts#to kind of recover from that mindset#like I’m not quite there but im better#and then have a show I love so fucking much#end with the main characters erasing their existence#and then treating that as a good thing?#like yeah tragedy it was inevitable what the fuck ever they’re not playing this as a tragedy#they’re playing it as a foregone conclusion#the correct conclusion the right way for this to end#they framed it like they weren’t supposed to exist and the way to fix that is to stop existing#fuck that#fuck you tua season 4#genuinely fuck you so hard
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every so often i will see a post from a leftist on this website that is so egregiously ableist that i remember that like. oh yeah the userbase of leftists on this website is violently anti-disabled people and will jump at any chance to demonize any of us for any reason. i just forget that fact because i'm extremely dedicated to curating my space
i'm paraphrasing here but i saw a post that said, "every time i see an American [disabled person] mention being scared about the election because they're afraid of losing their benefits i have to laugh. anybody who wants blood-soaked money from the US government deserves to starve" which. like. goodness that's a lot to unpack. i think we should burn the whole suitcase instead !
#i inserted [disabled person] because they used a fucking slur instead and i didn't want that in my post#like i feel like there should be room for disabled people like me whose lives literally entirely depend on accessing said >#> extremely limited benefits in conversations about whether voting in this election makes you complicit in genocide#which like! i do understand. i do. it's nauseating to think about what this shit ass country is doing. it's horrific. i do not blame anyone#> for not wanting to be a part of that. *and* i am also terrified for my own life because i remember the first time trump won it suddenly >#> became IMPOSSIBLE for ANYONE to get on benefits. EVER. and so many disabled ppl i know went to renew benefits theyd had for decades >#> just to be denied. one of whom was a below-the-neck paraplegic. he died because he lost those benefits!!! because trump won#i really do understand why people dont feel right voting for harris. or why they don't vote at all. i truly do. but holy shit i am so scare#and yes! i am aware that people in palestine and gaza are suffering so much worse. and i wish i could change that#but every single person in power in the US is pro-israel and eagerly drinking the anti-palestine kool-aid. no matter who wins >#> things will not change in that part of the world. and it is infuriating. when the revolution comes this will change. but it hasnt.#the revolution will not save me as a physically disabled person. it will not save any of us. we do not matter to leftists. i am sorry but >#> this is the one thing i have learned after being in leftist spaces for over 10 years. and posts like the one i mentioned prove it#so i am very sorry. i really am. for being physically disabled. but i cannot survive another 4 years relying on my parents for everything#if trump wins i will be killing myself. this is a promise. i cannot do that again#i know it makes me a bad person to be afraid that harris will lose. but people on the left already think i'm a bad person for being disable#i want the genocide to stop. i absolutely do. i also want to survive. i am terrified that the US leftists will sacrifice disabled people#like me so they can feel good about being put in a real life trolley situation#again. im sorry. im so fucking sorry. i wish i was a better person. i wish i was able to give more. i know that if i was just a good#person i would be able to have a job and give to every palestinian gofundme on my dash. i would be able to do more than my daily clicks >#> and reaching out and calling representatives that don't care. if i was a good person i would be able to convince my parents that z*onism>#is deeply fucking racist. and that israel is wildly racist and killing palestinians for fun. if i was a good person i would be able to make#>them leftists too. im sorry. im sorry. im sorry im not good enough. im sorry that im scared. im so scared and it's not right for me to be#when so much worse is going on because of this countrys bloodlust. im sorry that im benefiting from being born here i dont want to be#im sorry for not having any other options. if i was a good person i know i would have them. im sorry. god im sorry im so fucking sorry
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sorry for only saying this type of shit lately but i kinda wanna drive a car straight into a brick wall at the highest speed possible
#trying to keep it together so bad because i already know the problems and solutions and whatnot but i cannot do anything#i desperately just need to do something. accomplish any task. actually several would be nice. but i cannot stand just letting life go by#while i watch other people have the things i want. or even metaphorically living my dream like. that should be me why am i settling for thi#i hate even talking about this because i feel so stupid when i know it's not even a real tangible problem and that i actually DO have real#problems to tackle and the ability to do so but i'm choosing to be upset over the stupidest things i could possibly be sad about#and i can't even be sad about it in a normal way i'm cycling through like several different reactions to smth that isn't even real#or if it is real i literally do not have tanglible evidence for it one way or another like i'm driving myself insane for no reason#i can't even get catharsis because all i'm doing is digging a deeper hole for something i never should've gone back into in the first place#because i KNOW how i am i KNOW how i react to things and i still chose to do it lmao.#and i continue to choose to go through this shit instead of actively trying to change my life because... i'm lazy? and stupid? idk#negative self-talk isn't gonna get me to do anything either so let's just say i'm feeling particularly unmotivated like usual#i hated being a teenager but i really do miss when all my problems just amounted to 'someone was mean to me on tumblr today :(' or i failed#a test in chemistry or something. like i yearn for that simplicity becasue at this point all i'm doing is ruining my own life LMAO#i'm too scared to live i'm too scared to die so i just sit here and fantasize that life could be amazing if i wait#and i'll magically get everything i've ever wanted if i just wait long enough. and i know it isn't true and i still wait for it to happen.#because honestly like. i think deep down i am just convinced i will fail at anything i do when that shouldn't be what scares me.#what scares me should be never even allowing myself to fail because i never tried to do anything at all with myself or my life#like. wake the fuck up. get off your ass and put in the effort. learn some skills. gain independence and stability and discipline and do it#just live please i'm begging you just live so i can be happy don't i deserve to be happy... why am i not letting myself be happy#i'm literally keeping myself trapped in this negative feedback loop ON PURPOSE because teehee shiny toy#and it doesn't matter if the love is real it doesn't matter how i feel like i'm just using it as a distraction i can't say it's motivation#because it's barely motivated me at all. i have to start being realistic. 25 & just realizing you actually have to participate in your life#anyways. i've cried i've agonized i've pictured killing myself in 30 different ways. i think the only way i'm gonna feel better is#to just actually try this time without giving up. wish me luck
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It's actually really appropriate that bsd happened to me because I learned about the Sengoku period of Japan from Samurai Warriors. I was moé Oichi in the very first dream in which I exercised volitional control over the dream narrative and environment.
#bsd#bungou stray dogs#samurai warriors#ive always exercised complete volitional control over myself/my dream character#but i had chronic and constant and sometimes recurring nightmares and couldnt control anything else#so i remember very fondly the first time i figured out how to adjust the narrative and environment#i was oichi on a vicious battlefield and i curled up on the ground crying because it was too chaotic and violent and terrifying#there were no clear “sides” — so there wasnt anywhere to go for safety. someone noticed me and raised their battle axe to kill me.#and while cowering on the ground all i wanted was an invisibility cloak to hide under#and got one! so from there i willed a proper fucking sword and horse#then i willed oichi's husband and saved him like a damsel in distress#first nightmare i ever turned into an adventure#now i have so much control over my dreams that i can run simulations of major decisions and can collapse the entire environment if i want to#but my dreams characters (which are just less conscious me) get annoyed if i break the dream without engaging with whatever it's processing#so i try not to.#also sometimes it's an interesting or exciting story and i want to see where it's going#or it's laden with imagery i want to unpack#or i forget it's a dream until the dream characters break the fourth wall at the end to deliver me the takeaway I need to remember#but none of this happened suddenly. it was a slow process that began out of my desperation to no longer be victimized by my own nightmares#and oichi was the turning point.#and also got me very into the sengoku period of japan from ages 9-15.#that abruptly ended because of a marijuana leaf#but that's a separate story#anyway#it just struck me that everything i know about japanese history. came to me first as gaggles of bishie japanese historical figures.#sorry japan but thank you bishie nobunaga and bishie dazai
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The consequences of my poor financial decisions are here!!
#blame Kat for this lmao. she got the Yangchen novels first and I very easily give in to peer pressure (that wasn't exerted. but whatever)#three days earlier than scheduled too. which worked out perfectly bc I picked them up on the way home from grandma's#and carried them for 2 km. 2 hardcover books + the thick cardboard boxset they're in#+ the backpack full of food my grandma gave me#in the rain#I nearly fucking died#I'm not made for this level of physical exercise 😅#okay moving on#nia stop calling things like this poor financial decisions challenge#it cost like. the equivalent of 40 bucks#I have 30 times as much hidden away in my sock drawer#and I am usually responsible with my spending. I'm allowed a slightly more expensive treat every once in a while#also my dad doesn't know but I'm sure if I would him 'hey I spent 3.8k on a pair of books is that okay'#he'd be like 'why tf are you asking when have I ever said no to you spending money'#but again. I do try to be mindful#which is why as much as I want the lok art books and could probably ask for money for them. I won't#bc they cost an arm and a leg and I cannot morally allow myself to spend that kind of money#anyway. getting distracted again#do you know how hard it was to get these? I checked like 3 marketplaces before I did#and I was fully ready to get them in russian because non-classical english books are impossible to come by here#sanctions and all that. but somehow I did. and it only cost half the money in my bank account#I don't even know if Russian editions exist. these books were written before the war and before the gay propaganda ban but still#I didn't find them when I looked. maybe they don't sell them now that the law is in place or smth#I don't really care enough to look it up#the point is. I now own the books and can happily read about best girl kyoshi whenever I want#if the stress for an upcoming event doesn't kill me. that is#also I have read rok before but it was 3 years ago so my memory is vague. and I just realised how much thinner sok is?#I'll have to check the page count later
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#.txt#poll#time to hang up the eminem era#gonna refresh the layout and try to motivate myself to be active/write/post again#also this is easily top 5 favorite films ever#i saw it for the first time in june this year#and ive already rewatched it 5 times (literally rewatched it the night before last)#i made a 'red flag this film radiates comfort 3x3' but i dont know if you lot are ready for those hot takes#I DONT WANT TO HEAR ANY HARED LETO SLANDER HERE#I KNOW WE ALL MEME ON HIM NOW- AND HE WOULDNT BE WHO I WOULDVE CAST FOR HARRY-#BUT HE KILLED THIS ROLE AND I WILL DIE ON THIS HILL#all the 4 leads were flawless in this movie. on God.#i have abt 30 pages left in the novel and i dont like it quite as much as i liked the film-#but very happy i decided to give the novel another shot after at i decided to shelve it indefinitely back in 2022#it is very surrealist and written intentionally hard to follow#but it gets a lot better after the first 50 pages or so
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finished rogue trader. so mad about it i had to take a nap and then start a whole new playthru again to cope <3
#tay plays rogue trader#I DIDNT GET THE HEINRIX-LEAVES-THE-INQ ENDING..... AFTER EVERYTHING...... GRILLS MYSELF............#actually sooooooooo miserable like what do you mean ''the two lovers rarely crossed paths going forward..... '' shut up literally fake news#that man was HOOKED !!!!! he could not get enough !!!!!!#sigh. anyways. *clicks new game* heres how leda von valancius can still win#aka playing diviner is so funny bc i can just metagame thru every mistake i have ever made irt her playthru <3 just a dream bby its fine dw#anyway i loved the game sooooooo much. way more than i thought i would#definitely a top 5 rpg for me i think#my only main critique (outside of the 7 million bugs lol) was smth SO many games do and it pisses me off to no end#how the game will just. literally END. it will CEASE. the second u do the final boss#da2 did it ! fallout did it ! pillars of eternity did it ! bg3 did it before they added the epilogue months later#its so common and it makes me mad bc its so lazy... like throughout the entire game the story allows u to opt in#to moments of catharsis w ur companions.... to get their viewpoints and reflect on whats happened. but the ending just Ends lol#and ik Ending the story is a catharsis in and of itself but damb maybe i just want to celebrate killing whatever the fuck a c'tan shard is#with bae yknow. but fuck me i guess !!!#KJFDGJKFDG#BUT IM JUST BEING A HATER. LOVED THE GAME RECOMMEND TO ALL THE MOOTS !#im so excited to replay and make all the same choices i did the first time but Sexy this time. and also to build the party correctly#so its not just me and heinrix carrying everybody on our backs this time 😔✊ tho that was pretty funny tbh
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