#for like an entire year whenever we were at my mom’s house it fell upon me and my older sister to make sure the two youngest got sufficient

[kimmie-nimmie]

I didn’t need to act as my sisters’ mom, I was 12-13 for crying out loud 😭

[etceteraon]

losing heart | hjs

pairing: gamer!jisung x female reader

genre: f2l, fluff, romance, angst

warnings: slight language

word count: 10.2k

summary: after meeting and starting to date your close online friend of a few months, you start to realize that maybe you might have been better off staying online.

a/n: this is my first fic and I really hope it's enjoyable, I worked really hard on it and hope it meets any expectations. I also wanted to thank

@softbbyg0rl

for being so kind as to help me proofread this and actually help me expand upon it, I'm really thankful for their help and this probably wouldn't be half of what it is without them helping me out. I am indebted to them /j. I also had another friend help me read over this and I promised them a jeongin x reader in return, so expect that in the near future!

Video games had never been an issue for you before. You enjoyed them yourself normally, occupying yourself with various titles and genres of video games. Growing up you were known as the nerdy kid, finding interest in things that the other kids deemed ‘weird’. Really it was just that they were closed minded and couldn’t accept anything that was different or new. Anime and video games were entertaining, it didn't matter to you what other people thought about it. It was something that had helped you bond with some of your family members, and had helped you make a few friends over the years, one of them being your current boyfriend, Han Jisung.

The two of you had met online in a game you both enjoyed, Genshin Impact. Normally conversation in this game wasn’t much, just asking what the other needed and helping the other out with it. Things like domains, bosses, etc. After that was all said and done, you said your goodbyes and left, more than likely never encountering the other player ever again. When you and Jisung had met in the game however, things had gone much differently. It was only after about an hour of grinding domains that he had asked for your Discord, the two of you chatting on there for a few weeks before you both mustered up the courage to voice call. A few weeks after that, it was video calls. Only a couple months later, you two were very close friends, playing games and hanging out whenever you both had free time.

How quickly you two had clicked was a mystery to the both of you, but even your online friends were surprised at how fast you had let Han Jisung into your circle. Normally you were very particular about who you spoke to, let alone on a daily basis. Whenever you first met someone you usually spent the first few weeks getting a read on their personality and getting to know them before even thinking about actually getting close to them. It seemed Jisung had just rubbed off on you so quickly you hadn’t had a chance to actually go through your usual process.

When Jisung had suddenly brought up the idea of meeting in person just six months after first meeting each other online, it came as a shock to you, not expecting him to be the one to suggest it since you had learned he was actually an introvert despite his online persona. You had both learned that you lived relatively close to each other, having discussed where you lived previously. It was still about a two hour trip from your house though. Jisung of course had suggested he be the one to travel, but you didn’t want to cause him any more anxiety than he already had and told him you’d be more than willing to do the traveling.

A week was all it had taken for you to get on a bus and travel from your hometown to his. Jisung was texting you the entire ride there, clearly nervous with how many questions he was asking, probably wondering to himself if he should just call it all off. Your other online friends had gotten quite jealous since you hadn’t even met them yet, but you had to remind them just how much further away they were compared to him. They couldn’t argue with that. The two hour ride hadn’t felt long, your legs relieved to be standing upright as you exited the bus, holding your bag close as you looked around nervously. You had never done something like this before, and you honestly hadn’t even realized just how nervous you were up until now.

Scanning the busy sidewalk, you squinted, nibbling on your bottom lip as you struggled to focus, your heart slamming against your chest. Having to wear masks didn’t make things any easier, only being able to see the top half of people's faces really limited your ability to recognize someone you had only ever seen over the phone. After a few minutes, you had begun to wonder if Jisung had up and ditched you. Scrambling for your phone, you nearly dropped it, hissing as you unlocked it and looked over your messages with Jisung. He had said he was on his way to the bus stop a half an hour ago. It couldn’t take him that long could it?

About to call him, you walked over to the bench and sat yourself down, pressing the dial button and placing the phone up to your ear, looking around sheepishly, silently wondering if you were going to be ghosted and have to take another two hour drive home. Faintly you could hear the sound of a phone ringing, furrowing your eyebrows in confusion, you turned your attention to the source, seeing a rather short male with bleach blonde hair running towards the bus stop with a motorcycle helmet in hand. It was only moments before the male wearing all black actually reached the stop, looking around, locking eyes with you for a moment before pulling out his phone that was ringing and taking less than a second to look at the caller ID before answering.

“Y/n? I just got here- Where are you?” He questioned, nearly making you scoff into your phone’s receiver as you stood up, looking directly at him and cocking an eyebrow.

“Right in front of you.”

The slow turn and the look of realization was more than comical. Jisung’s eyes widening and then scrunching as he smiled under his mask. Hanging up the phone he slowly walked over, rubbing the back of his neck as he cleared his throat, shaking slightly with anxiety. “I uh, I’m sorry for getting here late. I kind of ran into an issue and had to do some last minute problem solving.” He explained, earning a head tilt from you. “What kind of problem?” You asked, wanting him to elaborate.

A quiet chuckle left his lips as he held up the motorcycle helmet he was holding, motioning back towards a bike that was parked on the side of the road. “I only had one. So I had to go and buy another.” You were sure your expression had matched Jisung’s from just moments before, in shock as you realized the motorcycle was his. If he was slow at realizing you were right in front of him, you were slow in realizing something much more obvious. “You never told me you drive a motorcycle…” You trailed off, Jisung nodding slowly in agreement.

“Ride a motorcycle but yeah. It never really came up and I’m not one of those people who constantly brags about riding one. It’s just a mode of transportation and happens to be cheaper than a car.” He shrugged, and honestly, you couldn’t argue with his reasoning. Clearing your throat, you shrugged your bag further up onto your shoulder, shifting your weight back and forth on your feet. “Well, I’m here. Now what?”

Jisung paused for a moment, seemingly processing your words before motioning towards his bike once more. “I figured we could go back to my place. I figured I’d order food since I’m not the best cook as you know. Almost burnt down my apartment on multiple occasions. My roommate is there, but he’s really chill. You’ve heard him every now and then on call or on mic. He normally keeps to himself, but I already told him about you coming and he doesn’t mind.” He stopped, thinking about whether or not that was everything he was wanting to say. “...Yeah. Unless you don’t feel comfortable with that of course. We can always go somewhere public and just hang out like that.” He offered, clearly not wanting to make you do anything you didn’t want to do.

“No, that sounds great.” You assured him, seeing his eyes scrunch as he smiled again, nodding happily. “Okay cool, let me just-” He stepped forward, getting alarmingly close and leaning forward. It felt as if your heart had stopped beating and the world was moving in slow motion around you. But before you could let your mind wander too far, Jisung placed the helmet he had been holding on your head, knocking you right out of your trance. “-ouch…” You mumbled, Jisung leaning back just slightly to look you in the eyes.

“Sorry, it’s kind of heavy, but it’ll keep your head intact.” He joked quietly, making sure everything was tight, locked and secure before stepping back and flipping the shield to cover your face, smirking slightly as he smacked the top of the helmet. “You good in there?”

Rolling your eyes, you flipped the shield back up to glare at him, smacking his arm as he laughed. “So you’re an ass in person too?” Jisung clicked his tongue before snapping his fingers and shooting finger guns at you. “You know it.” You were internally cringing, but before you could even think about teasing him for it, he was walking over to his bike and you had no choice but to follow, trailing behind him like a lost puppy.

You watched as he got on his bike, pulling his helmet on with ease and starting the engine, the loud sound making you flinch. If Jisung noticed this he didn’t comment on it, simply looking over at you and moving his head to the side, signaling for you to get on the bike. You had never rode one before, so this was a nerve wracking situation. What happened if you fell off? What if you got into an accident? Your mom had always told you just how dangerous motorcycles were. What if this was a bad idea?

Suddenly, Jisung was off of his bike and his hands were on your waist, lifting you up and onto the motorcycle, flipping your face shield back down before getting back on himself. He kicked the stand up so he was now balancing the bike himself. Looking back at you, he raised his voice so you could hear him over the sound of the motor. “I’d suggest you put your arms around me unless you wanna fall off.” Mean, but you knew he was just trying to tease you. You didn’t waste any time to wrap your arms securely around his waist, your head resting against his back. You swear you could feel him laugh as he flipped his face shield down, but you didn’t have any time to really think about it before he was off, riding down the streets of Incheon with you clinging to him for dear life.

The ride to his apartment felt like forever when in reality it only took a few minutes. Your grip on him hadn’t loosened in the slightest, far too afraid of falling from the motorcycle. Even after he had parked and turned off the engine, you were still sticking to him, an audible laugh leaving his lips as he took off his helmet. “You plan on letting go anytime soon?” He teased, you only shaking your head in response. He snickered before carefully prying your hands off of his waist, getting off of the bike and helping you off before taking your helmet and tilting his head slightly, noting your expression. “Was it that bad? I tried to be a little less reckless than normal.” His tone was joking, but you could tell he was genuinely concerned he had scared you.

“N-No it wasn’t that bad, just not used to it.” You assured him, stumbling slightly as you tried to take a step forward, his arms quickly reaching forward and holding you so you didn’t fall. “Jeez, we’re lucky you don’t have very far to walk.” Again with the teasing. You weren’t surprised by it though, Jisung had always been like that when you two talked. You scoffed, hanging on to his arm as you steadied yourself. “Shut up Ji. Where’s your place?” You questioned, Jisung smirking before leading you towards the building, letting you hang on to his arm without much thought. He didn’t seem bothered by it in the slightest despite having told you that physical contact made him nervous. You wondered what had changed. Carefully leading you inside and through the building, the both of you made it to his apartment, you finally letting go of him as he pulled out his keys and unlocked the door. If his roommate was home you weren’t sure why the door was locked, but you didn’t bother to question it as the door opened and Jisung motioned inside. “Ladies first.”

“When have you ever considered me a lady?” You joked, stepping into the apartment and looking around curiously, Jisung scoffing at your question as he shut the door behind the both of you. “Since always. You are one are you not?”

Shrugging, you didn’t answer his question, tugging at the straps on your bag as you walked further into the apartment. For some reason the decor didn’t really feel like it matched Jisung. After all, he had this whole e-boy/rocker look going on and you had fully expected the apartment to be messy and unorganized, but it was the complete opposite. It was clean, spotless even, and it made you wonder if he had cleaned simply because he knew you were coming to visit. Turning to look over your shoulder, Jisung smiled sheepishly, fiddling with a zipper on his leather jacket. “My roommate helped clean everything up. It doesn’t usually look like this.” He admitted, making you laugh and shake your head. “I figured as much.”

As if on cue, another male stepped out of a room in the hall, locking eyes with you and giving you a questioning look before noticing Jisung standing beside you, putting two and two together as a smile started to form on his face. “Oh, you must be Y/n-ssi.” He stated matter-of-factly, making his way down the hall towards the both of you and holding out his hand to you in greeting. You gingerly grasped his hand, smiling softly as he began to introduce himself while shaking your hand. “I’m Yang Jeongin, 01’ liner.”

Your eyes lit up at the realization that you were both the same age, “L/n Y/n, also 01’ liner.” You stated, watching as he relaxed a little realizing that he no longer needed to be so formal with you. The two of you let go of each other's hands, “Ah, well it’s nice to meet you Y/n. Jisung hyung has talked about you a lot.”

Raising an eyebrow, you glanced back at Jisung who smiled and shrugged as if to say he didn’t know what Jeongin was referring to. “I hope it was only good things.” You returned your attention to the male in front of you, watching as he chuckled and quickly nodded his head in agreement with your words. “Only good things. He’s always going on about how much he enjoys your company and how pr-”

“Yang Jeongin- '' Jisung cut him off suddenly, the younger male’s eyes widening before a mischievous smile crossed his face. The two males exchanged various expressions, you watching in confusion as they had a silent conversation with their faces. After a few moments, you cleared your throat, feeling awkward just standing between the two as they acted as if you weren’t right there. Snapping out of it, Jisung looked at you, quickly putting on a smile as he placed a hand on the small of your back, leading you towards the hall. “How about we hang out in my room, hm?”

“Wha- but I thought-” You trailed off, Jeongin following behind the two of you. “Seriously Jisung hyung? I thought we were all gonna hang out-” He mumbled, Jisung shaking his head as he practically pushed you into his room, stepping inside and shutting the door on Jeongin before the younger could hold it open. Locking it, Jisung turned to you, noticing your quizzical expression. He chuckled nervously, placing his hands in his pockets as he averted his gaze. “I just thought it might be better to hang out alone for a little while.” He stated, though his words sounded off, like he was only partly telling the truth.

You decided not to pry however, glancing at the door behind him. “What about Jeongin? He seemed upset.” Jisung shook his head, moving away from the door and closer to you. “He’ll be fine. He’s only being like that since we don’t normally have people over. After we hang out on our own for a while and go back out there he’ll forget about it.” He sounded so sure of himself that you had no reason not to believe him, nodding slowly as Jisung bit down on his bottom lip, seemingly debating something in his head.

“What’s up Ji?” You questioned, said male letting out a breathy laugh, not at all surprised that you had noticed something was going on in his head. “I uh- well I didn’t want to make it weird or anything but… I was wondering if I could give you a hug?” He sounded like he was nervous, and that suspicion was confirmed when you noticed how he was refusing to look at you, shifting back and forth on his feet. You found this cute, giggling quietly as you looked him over. You had just been practically glued to him while he was taking you back to his place on his motorcycle and now he was all shy and nervous because he wanted a hug?

Wordlessly, you crossed the remaining space between the two of you, wrapping your arms around his waist and looking up at him. Jisung tensed up slightly at your touch, remaining still for a moment before wrapping his arms around you, holding you close and resting his head on top of yours. “I made that weird didn’t I?” Snickering, you nodded, still keeping your hold on him but closing your eyes. “Just a little, but it’s fine. You make everything weird.”

An offended sound left his lips, earning a laugh from you as he pouted. “I do not make everything weird.” He mumbled, watching as you slowly pulled away and sat down on his bed, glancing around the room to actually take everything in. The decor in his room definitely made more sense, anime posters and figurines, manga, various instruments, LED lights adorning the ceiling, his gaming setup. It was all very Han Jisung. A light blush adorned Jisung’s cheeks as he cleared his throat and sat down beside you, nibbling the inside of his cheek. “Sailor Moon huh?” You teased, watching as his ears turned red with embarrassment.

“You’re gonna make me take all of this down right now I swear.” He huffed, eyeing you as you took your bag off and set it on the floor before falling back onto his bed, looking up at the ceiling and kicking your feet. “I think it’s cute. I like Sailor Moon too, she’s pretty.” You admitted, meeting his gaze to show that you were being honest.

“I mean, what’s not to like about her? She’s funny, sweet, caring, cute- plus she has a cute cat and super powers. Not only that but her outfit when she transforms is adorable. I’d wear that if I could.” You trailed off, watching as Jisung’s expression changed. You couldn’t read what it was, but there was a slight sparkle in his eyes as you spoke about his favorite anime character. “What are you thinking about?” You pondered, Jisung smiling as he snapped out of his trance, laying down beside you. “I just didn’t expect you to like Sailor Moon too. We never talked about that before so I didn’t even know you liked anime.” You considered his words before realizing that he was right, nodding slowly.

“I do. I watch it every now and then when I have time, but I grew up watching it. Dragon Ball Z, Sailor Moon, Naruto, the essentials.” The two of you talked about anime and your other interests besides gaming for a while, simply laying on Jisung’s bed as you both relaxed and spent time together, getting to know each other a little more. It was almost comical how easily you two got comfortable with each other despite having never met in person up until then. You both stayed there for about an hour before Jisung had brought up his music, asking you if you wanted to hear what he had been working on. Of course you obliged, sitting up as he grabbed his guitar and made his way back over, playing a few songs for you after getting over his initial nervousness to sing in front of you.

You praised him for how good he was at singing and playing the guitar, also mentioning just how thoughtful and beautiful his lyrics were. He turned bright red at your compliments, shaking his head as he put his guitar back, holding out his hand to you as he came back over, asking if you wanted to go out into the living room and watch some TV and order some food. Of course you agreed and took his hand, getting up and following him out of his room and into the living room where Jeongin was sitting, his eyes moving from the TV to the both of you. “Oh, are you finally gonna come out here and hang out?” You could tell he was upset, but not enough to cause his voice to sound angry.

Jisung simply nodded at his roommate, going over to the couch and scooting him over before sitting down himself and patting the empty spot beside him for you to sit. You made your way over to the two males, slowly sitting down as you looked at what Jeongin had been watching, some YouTuber playing a game you had never seen before. Looked like both of the boys were gamers, which made sense. Jisung took the remote from Jeongin, switching it from YouTube to Netflix and clicking his account before handing you the remote. “You can watch whatever you want.” He told you, pulling out his phone so he could order food, Jeongin looking over his shoulder as he mumbled to the older male what he felt like eating. You laughed quietly, shaking your head before returning your focus to the TV.

You picked out an animated movie you hadn’t seen in a while, reaching forward and setting the  TV remote down on the small table situated in front of the couch. Leaning back you noticed Jisung’s eyes glued to the TV, confused at his expression until Jeongin also looked up. “Ah, Jisung hyung watches this all the time. I think I’ve seen it at least twenty times.” He mumbled, your eyes widening as you leaned forward to grab the remote. “I can pick something else if you both have already seen this-” Jisung quickly reached forward, shaking his head as he took the remote and set it back down.

“No, it’s fine. If you want to watch it, we can watch it.” There was something different about his voice, but you couldn’t quite place what. Nodding, you went back to your previous sitting position, Jisung mumbling something you didn’t catch before handing you his phone. “What do you feel like eating?”

The three of you debated over what to eat for a while, mainly because you would suggest something, they would agree and you would go right back to asking them if they were really okay with what you had picked and then you were back to square one. Eventually you actually managed to decide on something, Jisung ordering for all three of you and then focusing on the movie. The three of you sat in silence, enjoying each other’s company. It was about halfway through the movie that the food arrived, Jeongin getting up before Jisung could, opening the door and thanking the delivery person before bringing the food in and shutting the door behind him. He quickly sorted out the food in the kitchen before bringing it all over, handing both you and Jisung yours before sitting down and starting to eat his own, not even bothering to wait or thank Jisung.

Giggling, you quietly thanked Jisung who shrugged it off, saying it wasn’t a big deal as he began to eat. The rest of the night was spent pretty much the same, the three of you watching various movies before Jeongin decided to retire for the night, saying goodnight to both you and Jisung before shutting himself in his room, leaving you and Jisung alone in the living room. Once the movie you were watching was over, Jisung cleared his throat, causing you to look over at him, feeling a little tired, but not trying to show it. Of course, it seemed like Jisung knew even with you trying to hide it, a soft smile on his lips as he slowly stood up. “You can sleep in my bed. I’ll take the couch.” Always the gentleman.

You opened your mouth to argue but he shook his head before you could, “I’m not letting you take the couch. So either you take the bed, or I end up on the floor. If you sleep on the couch I’m sleeping on the floor, so either way I’m not sleeping in my bed. Would you rather me sleep on the couch or the floor?” He didn’t give you much choice, but you knew he wasn’t bluffing. Groaning, you lifted yourself off the couch, ignoring his cheeky laugh as he led you back to his room, turning on the light and showing you where everything was in case you needed it. He then reminded you that he’d be on the couch in the event you needed him for anything, saying goodnight and giving you another hug before leaving his room and shutting the door to give you some privacy.

Everything felt like a daydream up until that point, a sigh leaving your lips now that you were alone in his bedroom. You locked the door so you could change into your nightclothes. After you had done so, you moved to unlock the door, your attention grabbed by an out of place manga just after. You walked over, picking it up and moving to put it back in its place, only for pages to fall out of it, your eyes widening when you thought you had accidentally ruined something of his, only to notice when going to pick them up that they were song lyrics and different ideas for songs. You felt like you were invading his privacy, quickly trying to stuff the pages back into the manga before your eyes fell upon your name. Furrowing your eyebrows, you couldn’t help but look over the page, eyes widening.

There was a knock on the bedroom door and before you could react Jisung was already in the room. “Sorry I forgot that I need to get my clothes-” He stopped once he caught sight of you, clearly in shock with how he simply stood there. You smiled sheepishly, placing the paper you held back into the manga and closing it. “I didn’t mean to look through it. I was going to put it up because I saw that it wasn’t where it was supposed to be and then a bunch of pages fell out.” You tried to explain, Jisung finally moved to take the manga from you, setting it back down on his desk before looking you in the eyes.

“You read it didn’t you?” His voice was calm, but you could tell by how quickly his eyes were scanning your face that he was anxious to hear your answer. Nodding, you bit down on your bottom lip, unsure of what to say or do. Jisung sighed, taking a step back and running a hand through his bleached locks, “God- I didn’t want you to find that… I meant to tell you, like actually tell you. I wanted to send you that song once I had finished it.” He mumbled, his admission making your cheeks heat up a little. So you weren’t reading too much into everything.

Reaching forward, you pulled Jisung into a hug, clearly surprising him as he squeaked in surprise. “Wh-” Before he could even finish his question, you interjected. “I like you too Ji.” It was simple, it was to the point, it was the truth.  You felt Jisung tense in your grip before relaxing completely only seconds later, pulling you closer to him as he let out a breathy chuckle. “So, I don’t need to send you that song?” He questioned, looking down at you as you smiled. “I’d still love to hear it.” Smiling, Jisung leaned down, pressing a kiss to your forehead. “I think I’ll finally be able to finish it now.”

That was how everything had started, and that was what got you here. Laying in your shared bed staring up at the ceiling as the subtle sound of clicking and the drag of a computer mouse filled the room. You weren’t sure how long you had been laying here, but it had been a while. Slowly, you turned your body to the side, seeing your boyfriend's back turned towards you, facing his monitors, headphones over his ears. You weren’t sure when was the last time the two of you had actually spent any time together. In between work and his constant gaming addiction, it seemed you were always left to occupy yourself. When you got back from your job, he was usually asleep, so you’d climb into bed with him and sleep yourself. Almost every time when you would get up, he’d either be gone or sitting at his desk and playing video games. That was when your dislike for video games began.

Today was no different it seemed, a quiet sigh leaving your lips as you reached over to your nightstand, picking up your phone and checking the time. It was late. Though you could have guessed that by how dark the room was, the LEDs on the ceiling the only thing illuminating the room. They had been Jisung’s idea, but you hadn’t objected since you figured it would be both of your living space and he ought to have some things of his own as well. You felt a sinking in your chest as you came to the realization that your fear was more than likely true. You had gone off to work that morning hoping, praying that Jisung would at least remember your birthday. But it seemed he hadn’t, far too engrossed in his video games to even notice you were awake.

Gulping, you pulled yourself off of the mattress, deciding you weren’t going to make a big scene. You left the bedroom in silence, going out to the small living room of the apartment and sitting yourself down on the couch in front of the TV. You could feel tears pricking at your eyes, but you wouldn’t let them fall. Reaching forward, you turned on the TV, figuring a distraction would help keep all of your emotions at bay. That or it would drown out the sound of you crying once you finally broke, knowing it was only a matter of time before that actually became reality. You didn’t even bother to actually pay attention to what you had put on the screen, merely turning up the volume as you pulled your knees up to your chest, lowering your head so you could no longer see.

You weren’t sure where things had gone wrong. Really, nothing had. You and Jisung had been very happy from the beginning, and you had no issues up until you both actually decided to move in together. You thought that living together would have actually made it easier on the both of you, not having to manage your work/life load as much. Trying to date while living two hours away from each other and having jobs on top of that made things harder, but now that you two were actually living in the same apartment, it felt like you actually spent less time with each other. Odd how that worked.

In the moment, you were tempted to just grab your things and leave, overwhelmed with the amount of emotions you were feeling. Anger, sadness, betrayal, loneliness… it was all just piling on. It probably didn’t help that you never expressed how you were feeling, pretending everything was just fine when you knew it wasn’t. You were just never one to create a problem, opting to just suffer than make anyone else uncomfortable or feel bad. The sound of someone knocking on the door had forced any tears that were about to fall back into your tear ducts. You knew Jisung couldn’t hear with his headphones on, so you begrudgingly picked yourself off of the sofa, sulking over to the door and prying it open, looking out with a dead expression up until your eyes met ones you hadn’t seen in months.

“Chan?” You breathed, unable to believe he was actually standing in front of your apartment. When you had moved in with Jisung, you had moved to Incheon in order to not make it hard on him. This had caused you to leave your family and friends behind, including your friend since middle school, Bang Chan. He always had impeccable timing. Beaming, Chan held out a box that held a cake in it, a present in his other hand as he tilted his head sweetly, his curls falling just slightly. “Happy birthday Y/n! Surprised you didn’t I?” He chuckled slightly, watching as you took a step back, a hand over your mouth as you tried to contain yourself.

It seemed to be just enough to send you over the edge however, tears spilling from your eyes before you could stop them, a broken sob leaving your lips as Chan’s happy expression quickly changed to one of concern. “Oh God-'' He didn’t even ask to be let in despite having never visited yours and Jisung’s apartment before, stepping in, he shut the door with his foot. It took him only seconds to find a place to set down the cake and present he held, bending down slightly as he held your arms and tried to look you in the eyes, seemingly searching them for an answer. “Y/n what’s wrong?” He had known you for so long, there was no getting out of this one.

He knew that you never cried in front of anyone unless something was really wrong. That or you had been holding in your emotions for too long. This time it happened to be both. You weren’t able to blame it on being happy to see him, he’d be able to tell you were lying immediately. God why had he decided to visit you now of all times? Sniffling, you tried your best to stop crying, shakily wiping away your tears before Chan wiped the remainder away with his thumb, arching an eyebrow as he awaited an answer.

“I-I just… God…” You fumbled over your words, not exactly sure how to explain what was going through your head to Chan. Of course, it seemed he could sense this, taking your wrist and leading you over to the couch you had previously been curled up on, sitting you both down and smiling softly. “You can take your time Y/n. I’m not gonna rush you. Just tell me what’s going on and why you’re so upset.” He always had to be so understanding and kind. You just weren’t sure if he would be as understanding and kind to your boyfriend after you told him what was bothering you. He had always been overprotective and had even tried to talk you out of moving in with Jisung in the first place.

“O-Okay well, it’s really not that big of a deal. It’s just Jisung and I haven’t been spending much time together lately. I’m just lonely and upset.” You mumbled, watching Chan’s jaw harden at the mention of Jisung, his eyes narrowing and growing dark as he tried to put the pieces together. There were things you weren’t telling him and he knew it. “Is he busy with work?” He questioned, your heart clenching. Chan really was just going to get to the root of the issue wasn’t he?

“He is sometimes…” You trailed off, nibbling on your bottom lip as you avoided Chan’s gaze. You hated it when he got angry. It was rare for him to do so, but when he did, he was terrifying. “What about other times?” His voice was cool and even, showing no signs of anger, but you knew better. You knew he was probably itching to get his hands on Jisung and in your mind you were wondering whether letting him in was a good idea.

“Well… when he gets back from work he usually sleeps or plays his games. When I get back from work he’s either at his job, sleeping or gaming. I mean, gaming is his form of stress relief so… I get it. It used to be mine so I can’t really be upset with him for that. I can’t be mad at him for sleeping or going to work either. It’s not that big of a deal.” You were making excuses for him and you knew it. But you didn’t want Chan to lose his cool. The thought was more scary than spending your birthday alone. “So he’s choosing video games over you.” Chan stated bluntly, anger creeping into his voice.

Slowly, you decided to look at him, only to see he wasn’t even looking at you now, but rather around the apartment, one of his fists clenched as he tapped his foot against the hardwood floor. You didn’t respond to his statement, so it was only a few moments before he looked you in the eyes, giving you a look that told you to correct him if he was wrong. You searched your mind for something, anything, but you came up with nothing, gulping as you slowly lowered your head, sighing shakily. “I-I guess.” You whispered, feeling your body grow cold as you admitted it to yourself aloud. Chan cleared his throat, nodding as he looked around the apartment once again. “Is he at work right now?” The silence that filled the apartment was his only indication of that, but when you looked around, unsure, he could tell that he was wrong in his assumption.

“He’s here right now isn’t he?” He scoffed, the anger he had been holding back making a swift appearance as he got to his feet. Eyes widening, you quickly grabbed onto your friend's arm, knowing he could easily overpower you and do what he wanted, but he wouldn’t. He may know you like the back of his hand, but you knew him just as well. “Chan please. Don’t make this a big thing. I’m already upset and things getting out of hand is only going to make it worse.”

“Y/n-” Chan started, looking back at you, anger fading as he looked into your eyes, knowing that ultimately he was going to do whatever it was you asked of him. “Can I just talk to him? You and I both know that you don’t deserve to be treated like this.” He bargained, only causing you to shake your head in disagreement. “You know for a fact that you won’t be able to hold yourself back if you ‘just talk to him’.” You gave him a knowing look and he simply huffed, averting his gaze. He knew you were right.

“You brought cake right? How about we just have that and hang out? That’d make me feel better.” Chan’s tension had eased slightly at your request, taking a deep breath as he nodded, deciding he was simply going to appease you since it was your birthday after all. Getting off of the couch, Chan grabbed the cake and present he had set down in a hurry, going into the kitchen and setting it down once again. You followed shortly after him, looking over as he opened the box, a soft smile gracing your lips. He had remembered your favorite color. “It’s very pretty.” You praised. Chan clicked his tongue as he opened a pack of candles, starting to place them on the top of the cake. “Of course it is, I picked it out.” He teased, causing you to roll your eyes and smack his arm. “God you’re annoying.”

Snickering he shrugged his shoulders, pulling a lighter out of his pocket and carefully lighting the candles. “Yet you still miss me. Crazy how that works.” Looks like you two were right back to how you had always been. He wasn’t wrong though, you had really missed him. Being pulled away from everything you knew just for Jisung had been hard, but it had been something you were willing to do for your relationship. One you weren’t even sure was there anymore. Pulling you from your thoughts, Chan started singing. His voice had always been amazing. After he had finished, you blew out the candles, Chan grinning and ruffling your hair before pulling out the candles and starting to search the kitchen for something to cut the cake with. “So, what did you wish for?”

He always asked that question. Every single birthday of yours without fail. You always responded with the same thing. “You know I can’t tell you that. If I tell you it won’t come true.” Laughing, Chan shook his head, amazed that you still stuck by that. “You actually think that matters?” He questioned, earning a nod from you as you opened the drawer that held your kitchen utensils, pulling out a knife and handing it to Chan who thanked you before getting to work on cutting the cake. “Have any of your wishes come true that you haven’t told anyone about?” He pondered, the question making you think back on your previous birthday wishes.

“Mmm, there have been a few actually.” Chan gave you a questioning look, pausing as he did so. “Like what? Since they’ve already happened you should be able to tell me right?” You considered it before figuring that he was probably right, pulling out two plates and forks before sitting yourself down on one of the barstools that were placed along the island in the kitchen. “For my sixteenth birthday I wished for a skateboard and I ended up getting it that day.” You stated, Chan smirking as he continued to cut the cake, shaking his head.

“Maybe because you had been bugging your parents for it for a whole year. Only to never use it despite me telling you I’d teach you how to ride it.” He added in the last part just to chastise you, placing a piece of cake on a plate before handing it to you along with a fork. “I highly doubt that had anything to do with your wish.” You rolled your eyes as you took a bite of cake, humming quietly. He had remembered your favorite flavor of cake too. Of course he had.

“You don’t have to hate on me for believing in birthday wishes just because you don’t Chan. I get it, you’re too grown up to believe in something silly and childish like birthday wishes.” You could tell he got slightly irked by your words, scoffing as he got himself a piece of cake. “That’s not even it-”

“Then what is it?” You cut him off before he could finish, tilting your head slightly as you stared at him. Chan slowly took a bite of cake, looking you in the eyes, considering his next words carefully. “None of my birthday wishes ever came true. So I stopped believing in things like that. I think it’s endearing that you still do though.” He admitted, causing you to frown. “None of them? Not one?” You questioned, Chan seeming to think back on it as he stood there in silence, looking down at the cake. “Mm, I guess there was one that came true?” He sounded unsure, but you leaned forward in your seat, smiling as you waited for him to elaborate.

“I think it was my eighth birthday? The memory is kind of foggy, but I remember wishing for another sibling. It’s kind of dumb now that I think about it, but it did come true.” He shrugged, looking back up at you as you giggled while taking another bite of cake. “I’d say that’s a pretty big wish. The stars probably just figured that wish was enough for a while.” Chan rolled his eyes, snickering as he shook his head. “Yeah sure, whatever you say Y/n.”

The two of you enjoyed each other’s presence for a while, seeming to forget about the issue at hand which was exactly what you had been wanting. Not wanting to confront it or make a big deal out of anything. Chan was helping you ignore your problems and you were more than grateful, the male stating that he wanted to watch you open the present he had got you, so you both moved from the kitchen to the living room, the TV still playing whatever it was you had put on. Gingerly, Chan set the present on your lap, waiting patiently for you to open it.

You had always gotten nervous when it came to opening gifts. You were never a fan of surprises and presents were just wrapped surprises. Slowly, you pulled the tissue paper out of the bag, peeking inside. Your eyes widened once you realized what it was he had gotten you, gasping as you practically ripped it out of the bag, looking it over with wide eyes. “Oh my god- This is so expensive Chan. You really shouldn’t have.” You pried your eyes from the present to meet his gaze, seeing just how happy he was with your reaction to the gift. “I knew you’d like it. I’m sure you’ve been eyeing it for a while now. You always do that with the new lines.” He stated, making you nod in agreement.

“I actually had this in my cart for when I could afford it. It still scares me how well you know me. I never even told you about the new line.” Chan simply shrugged, acting as if it was no big deal. “What can I say, I’m just that good.” He chuckled, already leaning back as you reached forward to smack him.

For a few hours the two of you just sat and talked, not even realizing just how late it was getting. The two of you were making up for lost time, only able to talk over the phone or text, sometimes video call depending on just how busy the two of you were. Life as a producer was busy, that was also part of the reason you were so surprised he had shown up at your front door. It was the last thing you had been expecting. Just like you hadn’t been expecting Jisung to leave your bedroom. It seemed he and Chan had noticed each other’s presence before you had even noticed Jisung, standing silently in the hallway as he looked between the two of you. You immediately turned your gaze to Chan, seeing the look that was on his face before had returned. That wasn’t good.

“Who is that-?” Jisung finally spoke, looking at you with confusion and slight fear. It was then you remembered that Jisung and Chan had never officially met, your eyes widening as you motioned over to your childhood friend. “Chan. Bang Chan. I’ve told you about him, remember? My best friend since middle school.” You explained, Jisung’s expression growing more relaxed as he slowly nodded, remembering discussing him before. “Ah, yeah. We’ve never met before.” Jisung smiled, making his way over to the couch and holding out his hand.

Chan stared at it for a moment before deciding not to be a total ass. He took his hand and shook it, gripping it tightly before paying Jisung a sickeningly sweet smile. “No we haven’t. I’m sorry for not telling you before coming over but I thought I’d surprise Y/n for her birthday.” There it was. You had been expecting him to say something, but you hadn’t been expecting him to say it right out of the gate like that. Confusion was written on Jisung’s face for a moment before his eyes widened in realization, his gaze quickly flitting to yours. “O-Oh…” It seemed he finally understood the tension coming from Chan.

Slowly you lowered your gaze, fiddling with the present Chan had gotten you. Jisung took a moment to look at it before looking to the kitchen, seeing the cake sitting on the counter. “Y/n… I’m… I-I didn’t realize…” He stammered, unsure of what to say or do. After all, there wasn’t much he could do now. “It’s fine.” You mumbled out, forcing a smile as you looked up at him, hating to see just how upset and guilty he looked. Chan on the other hand, wasn’t having it.

“Look, I know it’s our first time meeting and Y/n told me not to make a scene, so I won’t. However, it’s not fine. You should know Y/n well enough to know that she doesn’t like to voice what’s upsetting her. You may be busy with work, or stressed, or whatever, but you ignoring her for your video games is something that shouldn’t be happening. Forgetting her birthday? Don’t you think that’s a little much? Do you see the problem? Y/n shouldn’t have to beg you for attention. You should be paying attention to your girlfriend regardless of what your work life is like and if you can’t handle that, you shouldn’t be stringing her along. She doesn’t deserve that and you know it.” His words were harsh and to the point, but he got across what he wanted to. Jisung gulped, biting on his lower lip as he rubbed the back of his neck.

“You’re right.” Jisung mumbled, hanging his head. “I’ve gotten so absorbed in gaming because of stress from work, but that’s not an excuse. I should have been paying more attention to Y/n, so much more attention. I-I honestly can’t believe I forgot her birthday. I didn’t even realize just how bad I was getting… I just…” He sighed, stopping himself as he turned from Chan to look at you, taking a few steps closer before bending down slightly to look you in the eyes. “I’m so sorry Y/n. Really I am. I don’t have any excuses. How I’ve been treating you is wrong and I realize that. I promise I’ll change.” He spoke softly, searching your eyes as he apologized.

You could tell he was being genuine, seeing tears pricking at his eyes as he spoke to you. “You’d better or I’ll come right back here and take her home with me.” Chan muttered, causing you to roll your eyes at him. “Chan-” You chided, earning a sigh from him as he stood up, placing his hands in the air as a sign of defeat as he made his way into the kitchen. “Sorry, I’ll give you guys a minute.” It was clear he didn’t want to, but he would do it for you.

Sighing quietly once Chan had left the room, you looked to Jisung and patted the part of the couch Chan had just been sitting on, waiting for Jisung to take his place before sitting crisscrossed and facing him. “Ji… I’m not gonna lie and say I’m not upset. I am. I’m really upset. I had honestly thought that you would pull through and remember my birthday but you didn’t. It honestly felt like a stab to the heart. However, I’m also not going to say you’re completely at fault since I haven’t been honest and voiced how I was feeling to you. Keeping quiet and just letting things get worse was my own doing and I’m sorry I didn’t communicate with you.” You mumbled, Jisung furrowing his eyebrows and shaking his head as he reached forward, taking hold of both of your hands. “Hey, no. You’re not taking the blame for this. You shouldn’t be apologizing to me when you haven’t done anything wrong. You never once forgot anything important to me and I forgot your birthday. That’s huge and I’m gonna be apologizing for it forever. I should have realized what I was doing to you. That was my fault not yours, okay?”

You frowned, getting ready to disagree. “I’m not budging on this one. You have no reason to be apologizing to me. You know I’m right.” You didn’t, but you weren’t going to argue with him. Once Jisung saw you were done trying to blame yourself, he sighed, leaning forward and pressing a kiss to your forehead, the memory of the day you had first met in person coming back to you. “I’m really really sorry and I’m gonna make it up to you somehow, I promise.” You hummed, closing your eyes as Jisung pulled you into his chest. This was more contact than you had with him over the past few months.

“You’re making a lot of promises tonight Han Jisung.” You mumbled, wrapping your arms around him and looking up as he nodded in agreement. “I know, but I plan to keep them. I’m going to change and I’m going to make it up to you.” Smiling faintly, you hummed again, not wanting to say anything else as you rested against your boyfriend's chest, closing your eyes as you allowed yourself to relish in his presence. You hadn’t fully forgiven him, you were sure he knew that as well, but you were just glad the biggest thing was out of the way and you wouldn’t have to tiptoe around the issue anymore. The rest of it would be him regaining your trust and fulfilling his promises. “Happy birthday baby.” A quiet mumble left Jisung’s lips as he kissed the top of your head, earning a smile from you.

“Technically her birthday has already passed. It’s nearly two in the morning.” Chan suddenly cut in, causing both you and Jisung to turn and look at him, you with a glare and Jisung with a questioning gaze. “Sorry, I couldn’t help myself. I see you two have made up for the most part so uh, seeing as I traveled two hours to get here, you both mind if I crash on the couch?” You opened your mouth to speak, but Jisung beat you to it. “Sure, it actually pulls out into a bed since my old roommate comes over sometimes and crashes. I can set it up for you.” His sudden agreement surprised you, but you decided not to question it, Chan nodding as he motioned towards the door.

“Cool. My stuff’s in my car so I’ll be back.” He then left without another word, Jisung watching him go before looking back at you. “Am I sleeping on the floor then?” He questioned, causing you to roll your eyes. “Ji, when have I ever made you sleep on the couch or anything like that?”

He smiled faintly, shrugging his shoulders as he lifted himself off the couch before helping you up. “Well technically the first day we met.” Shaking your head you went to the kitchen, putting the cake and everything else away as Jisung moved things around in the living room before pulling the couch out into a bed. “You were the one that didn’t let me sleep on the couch. I was going to, but you forced me to sleep on your bed.” As Jisung was fixing the pillows, Chan walked back into the apartment, this time locking the door behind him. He set his things down by the couch, giving Jisung a sideways look when their eyes met. “What-?” Jisung trailed off, looking down at the bed before looking back up at Chan.

“Blankets?” Jisung’s eyes widened. “Oh. Oh yeah right, sorry.” He swiftly turned and walked down the hall towards the small closet that held clean blankets and pillows they kept aside. From the kitchen, you gave Chan a look that told him to knock it off, the male deciding to act like he had no idea what you were looking at him like that for. Jisung returned with blankets in hand, setting them down on the bed. “There, is this enough?” He questioned, Chan looking them over for a moment before simply nodding. “Yeah, that’s fine.” No thank you, no ounce of appreciation in his voice.

Jisung cleared his throat, nodding slowly before turning around and making his way into the kitchen where you were cleaning up and telling you that he’d do it. It took a bit of convincing, but eventually he had kicked you out of the kitchen, finishing up by himself. You huffed as you went over to Chan who was fixing his bed for the night. “You know you don’t have to be such an ass to him. He apologized.” You mumbled, keeping your voice quiet so Jisung didn’t hear. Chan sighed, straightening out the blankets before grabbing his bag and setting it on the bed, looking through his things. “I’m still pissed at him. He’s lucky I didn’t beat him into the ground. The only reason I didn’t is because you told me not to.”

“And I appreciate that, but he is still my boyfriend and I would like for you two to get along. I don’t want to have to play mediator any time you two are around each other.” There was silence for a moment before Chan sighed, nodding in agreement. “Fine. I’ll tone it down.” Smiling, you gave him a small hug, “Thank you.” You peeped, him only groaning in acknowledgement.

“Where’s your bathroom so I can change?” You showed him to the bathroom before starting back down the hall towards the kitchen, only to meet Jisung halfway, him holding your gift from Chan in his arm, folded nicely. He lifted it, smiling sheepishly. “He’s really good with gifts huh? I know you’ve been eyeing this thing since the new line came out.” You were genuinely surprised he had known that since he had been so preoccupied the last few months. Your eyebrows furrowed in confusion and he seemed to notice. “You leave your tabs open a lot on your laptop. When I wake up for work you usually leave it out, so I noticed that you were looking at it fairly often.” He explained, your eyes widening slightly. “Oh… I didn’t even realize.” You half-whispered, Jisung chuckling quietly.

“I’ll go put this up.” He smiled before brushing past you and into your room. Chan left the bathroom only moments after, changed into a t-shirt and sweatpants much like Jisung had been wearing as long as you’d been awake. “You should sleep. It’s late.” He spoke, causing you to nod before watching him make his way down the hall towards the living room. “Are you going to sleep?” You asked, knowing that he had issues sleeping, always had.

“I’m gonna try, but don’t let me keep you up. I’ll be fine out here, I’m a grown man you know.” He teased, earning a quiet laugh from you. “Okay, well thank you for everything tonight Chan. I really appreciate it.” Turning, he smiled, his signature dimple smile. “No need to thank me. I just expect you to travel two hours for my birthday now. I’ve set the bar high.”

Your playful banter went on for a while longer before you both said goodnight and you retired to your shared room with Jisung. Stepping inside you shut the door behind you, immediately noticing Jisung busy unplugging all of his gaming stuff. Your eyes widened, “Ji- This isn’t… I didn’t mean you had to-” You couldn’t even form words, Jisung turning to look back at you. “I know. I just think it would be best for me to stop completely for now. Get things back in order before I even think about introducing this back into my life. It got way out of hand and I don’t want that to happen again. So I’m prioritizing.”

“B-But that’s… don’t you think it’s too much?” Your voice was quiet, unsure as Jisung shook his head, unplugging one final cord and picking himself up off of the floor, dusting himself off. “No. Considering I’ve put you on the side burner for months now, I think it’s more than enough. Gaming will always be there, but I don’t want to lose you because of it.” Shifting uncomfortably, you picked at your fingers, unsure about the whole thing. Jisung walked over, pulling you into his arms and resting his head on top of yours. “I’m sure about this okay? So don’t worry about it.”

“Okay…” You trailed off, deciding that if it was Jisung’s decision, you didn’t have any reason to argue with him. “Okay. Well, how about we go to sleep, and since you’re off tomorrow, I can take tomorrow off, probably call in sick-- and we can go do something, just me and you? There’s a fashion show downtown I believe. You can wear your new present from Chan and you’ll be the best dressed person, along with the best looking. Then we can go out to eat, or before. Whatever you wanna do baby.” Smiling you relaxed in his grasp, “That sounds great Ji.”

[chocominnie]

One Last Time 02  —  Pjm. (M)

⇢ pairing: Jimin X Reader

⇢ Genre: Idol!Jimin, Exbf!Jimin, model!reader, sad au, fluff, tons of smut, angst

⇢ Synopsis: Your idol ex boyfriend Jimin cheated on you. You two have been broken up for a while now and the media has been keeping track of you and him. You’re trying to get over him, but the things that happen inbetween makes you re-think the entire breakup, and so does Jimin…

⇢ Song : xxxxx

⇢ Previous : 00   01

⇢ Word Count : 

⇢ Warnings: dominant jimin, makeout sessions, this is honestly a sad angsty au, cheating, pregnancy, unprotected and protected sex, a bunch of sex, no really a LOT of sexual themes too, I know I’m forgetting some but sorry in advance!

⇢ Copyright: please do NOT repost, translate, or modify my works in any way, shape or form, on any platform. If found doing so , it is considered as plagiarism and appropriate LEGAL action will be taken

⇢ Authors note: This is my mini series for the summer! Get your tissues, things to take your anger out on, and sit back and watch the drama unfold. Shall we begin?

Your eyes shoot open, chest heaving heavily as you let out a blood curdling scream. Not this again. The same dream over and over again each night. It leaves you sleepless. The time on the clock on your nightstand reads 3:04 am. Just only four hours ago is when you fell asleep. But a full night’s sleep hasn’t happened for a year so why would it matter anyways.

Once you catch your breath you unplug your phone from the charger and read some of the notifications. From your window, the night-time critters sing their songs along with the persistant owl that’s somewhere around the apartment complex. You’d only noticed him, the owl, just a few months ago when your cat started meowing with his hoots. 

A missed call from your uncle. 

Immediately you unlock your phone and dial the number. Bringing your index finger to your mouth you gently nip on it waiting for it to answer, The rings are agonizing to you. If something has happened you only wish and pray it wasn’t as bad as you think. He’s the only parental figure left in your life.

‘‘ Princess! Hello I was just calling to speak to you earlier. But I realized you are five hours ahead of me and you had probably went to sleep.’‘

His soothing voice calms your emotions making you let out a tiny breath of air. Thank god.

‘’Hey Charlie.” You sigh. Looking towards your left, you spot Clara purring quietly next to you. You can’t help but to smile while bringing a hand over to rub her head with your thumb.  She’s so small under the shining moonlight from your window.

Her white coat shines brightly amongst her, making you remember the first night you had brought her home. All she did was sleep, and it worried you because you had no prior expierence caring for anything, let alone a small animal. Clara only drank kitten milk and slept back then. Occasionally being awake enough to nip at your fingers whenever you pet or touched her.

Now she’s a bit bigger and walks around the apartment like she owns the place. Quite the little attitude she has, but its too damn cute for you to scold her whenever she does something wrong. 

“ Yes I did fall asleep from after a gathering at someone’s house.’’ You continue on, bringing your knees to your chest after opening the curtain of your window fully.

The moons brightness illuminates the entire room, but not so bright for you to complain though. ‘’ Oh- was it Jimin’s? Tell him I said hell-’’

You bite your lip hard at his name. He doesn’t know and you wont even dare to let him know. Knowing him, your uncle would have a fit and oppose to come back to Seoul to ‘set the record straight.’ to Jimin. That’s the last thing you want to do, cause trouble.

‘‘ It was his brother’s house warming party.” You say, lowering your tone in your voice. You look at the nightstand for a couple of seconds just before opening the top drawer of the wooden, polished piece. Your hands shakily pull out a picture of you two together.

It was taken at  Marne-la-Vallée, France right infront of Cinderella’s castle. That was the day that you and Jimin had to went to Disneyland in Paris, France. You cant help but to think, with the picture in hand, that it was one of the best nights ever. It was also the same night your virginity was taken.

‘‘ Oh.. I know that tone. Are you two arguing at the moment.”

You shrug, “ I mean you could say that.’’

No you cant.

‘‘ Alright alright I won’t talk more of him. Let’s change the subject.” He chuckles deeply into the phone.

‘‘ How’s Europe? Anything new happening on base?”

‘‘ Same old Same old. It’s been what? 2 years since I’ve left Seoul? The food is different over here. They don’t have kimchi pancakes sadly.”

You can only imagine the frowny face he makes at you whenever he doesn’t approve or like something. It always turns out to be funny.

You giggle into the phone shaking your head slightly, “ Of course. You are in Europe Charlie. Where are you getting food from anyway if you are on base?’’

‘‘ I can go off base to a certain mileage when I am off duty. I just have to report back in time. But you do know that you can always come live on base with me...’ He trails off.

Oh boy. Here he goes. He’s always talking about moving you on base with him. Hell, he’s been talking about it since before he had to go to be based in Europe. By then you were twenty years old and old enough to live by yourself. Growing up in Daegu, Korea since you were six, you felt as if Korea was home to you and you definately weren’t ready to leave yet.

Especially, after losing your parents here. Around eight years old, your aunt and mother were on the way to pick up your father from the airport. With your mom and dad also being military and based in Korea with your dad’s bestfriend, your uncle Charlie, your father had been called to take military leave to go and be based in Korea for the National Guard.

On the way back from the airport, a drunk driver had struck the car knocking them off the road and colliding head first into the railing of the bridge. All bodies were reported dead upon collision, including your aunt. Charlie didn’t take the news well at all, and so did you. Only eight years old and still a bit new to a foreign country. It was devistating for you and Charlie. Charlie did what was right and stepped up to be your legal guardian while taking some time off from the military. Till this day, he treats you like his sacred little daughter and you can’t ask for anyone better than him.

 “You are old enough to live on your own and housing is avail-”

You jump at his voice on the line again, being too spaced out from the tragic memory. Before he can go on any longer you cut him off. ‘‘ Im fine with the apartment you left me. Im paying the bills on time and taking good care of it.”

‘‘ Alright fine. But that option is always available you hear me? I will always be ready for you to come with me.’’

‘‘ Okay Charlie” You groan.

‘‘ Alright.. sweetie it’s getting late on this side and it’s already 3 am on your side. Get some sleep okay? Don’t you have a model shoot thingy or something? You have those a lot.’‘

‘‘ Yes i actually do in a couple of hours. It’s been a while since I’ve did a shoot. Please eat and sleep well. Don’t injure yourself.’‘

‘‘ I promise. You promise to do the same right?’‘ He says, rustling movements are in the background.

‘‘ Yes I promise. Good night sleep tight..’‘ You smile as you wait for him to finish the rest.

He chuckles one last time on the other end, ‘‘I’ll always love you, goodnight‘’

Beep Beep Beep

You in a racy light pink lingerie with white duvets and sheets is the concept of your comeback. It’s supposed to symbolize the “Night After’’. Camera’s click and directors yell and praise you in your subtle yet damaging moves and facial expressions. You want.. no need for this comeback to be successful. Not only did your manager schedule this, but she is making sure that they release this same very day.

Nobody in this company’s industry has ever did this before. But you, you are sort of the special one. The special foreigner as they say. It’s not like you don’t like it but you don’t like that they label you as that. Stylists, employee’s hell even anybody who works there treat you as a princess. It’s not bad, but it’s just weird.

‘‘ One last one. Give me a sexy yet innocent look mama.’‘ Elliot, the director says, smiling wide at you.

You slip a finger into your mouth and do a little pout with your lips.

Elliot busts out into a roar of happiness with his hands clapping furiously. ‘‘That’s it mama yes! That’s just what we needed!’‘

Adjusting his microphone earpiece, he turns around to greet and thank everyone, ‘‘ Alright everybody this concludes our shooting! You all worked so hard today. Make it home safe, eat well.’‘

Finally. You sigh out in relief and close your eyes. It’s been a long day. Almost 6 hours of shooting. Three Videos, and five swap outfits for each session of shooting for the ‘’ Night After’’.  As everyone heads out and starts cleaning up you bow your head slightly and thank them.

A stylist brings you a satin robe to cover yourself in. You thank her and put it on just before getting up from the bed and walking towards wardrobe. Once you are done putting on your clothes, your manager leads you straight out the exit. Outside awaits the car that drives you everywhere. Literally everywhere.

‘‘ Tomorrow somebody has put in a special request for you to appear as the main lead girl in their music video. It’s short notice and I told them I would have to bump some things around and notify you. But they are paying us and you good money to be in it.’‘

Money? Sounds like a plan.

‘‘ It’s fine. Who am I shooting for?’‘ You say, fluffing your hair just a little while inspecting yourself in the rear view mirror.

Your makeup is still intact with no ruins and the contacts they had given you suited you very well. A hazel with a slight bit of teal. Suddenly the car moves off into the busy streets of Seoul. You can’t help but to notice every couple that walks along the sidewalks. They seem so happy, glad to be around each other.

On the floor of the car lies your little mini backpack filled with all of your items and belongings. Picking it up, you begin to dig through it looking for some hand lotion to soothe your semi-dry hands. Once you find it you gently start to squeeze the tube.

‘‘ Kim Namjoon.’‘

You freeze. Namjoon? The same Namjoon from the group? Joonie? It’s been well… a year since you’ve seen him in person. Hell since you’ve seen all of Bangtan Sonyeondan together. Except for lastnight when Hoseok and.. that guy showed up.

You sigh already knowing the answer from the question you are about to ask.

‘‘ From…?’‘ You ask then put the lotion back in your bag. Slowly you rub your hands together to moisturize.

Your manager quickly flips through the daily planner, ‘‘ Bangtan Sonyeodan but this is for one of his mixtape songs.’‘

Thank goodness.

‘‘ That’s fine. What time will the car be arriving tomorrow?’‘

‘‘ 8 am on the dot. You need to be there by 8:30. I’ll be tending to one of my other models tomorrow so you will be alone. I can send som-’‘

‘‘ No no it’s truly okay. I know how to manage things myself. Besides, I learn from you.’‘ You reassure her with one of your winning smiles, laying your head on her shoulder.

‘‘ Aigoo what am I going to do with you?’‘

The day ends very well. The movies you’ve been watching have kept you occupied. But not occupied enough for you to keep crying at all the sad parts in the chick flicks. Breakups, someone had died, someone had even just spilled something onto the floor and that was enough to send you into tears.Only because when the main lead boy rushed to help clean it up, it reminded you of Jimin last-night helping Isabel.

‘’What is going on with myself.’’ You blow your nose into a tissue for what seemed like the thousandth time today. Clara lets out one of her meows beside you then goes back to grooming herself.

You place her onto your lap and begin to run your fingers through her fur over and over again. Such a soothing effect to you as you stare into space sulking in your thoughts.

Why is it that you weren’t enough for him? Why is it that every single little thing reminds you of him? You gave him your all and he gave you his but what happened? Where did you go wrong? Cooked, cleaned, satisfied his needs. You guys had even started to plan out what you wanted out of a family. When you wanted a baby and what you would name it. It was fun. The whole relationship was fun. Right until that scandal.

Ding.. Ding.. Ding.. DI-

You unlock your phone immediately to stop that annoying dinging noise. Not surprisingly it’s a text from Jeon Jungkook.

Kookie : Im coming over I’ll be there in exactly 3 minutes.

Kookie: Don’t think about leaving either.

Kookie: Im bringing someone with me.

Kookie: We need to have a serious talk babycheeks.

You roll your eyes at the nickname he’s given you. No matter how many times you tell him you want him to change it, he declines. There’s no point in asking anymore.

Why would he want to talk anyways and who is the person he’s bringing. Eh.. it might just be Ryan they seem to do everything together as a team.

As soon as you step foot out of your bed the sound the door clicking makes your head shoot up. How in the living hell does he know the password to your house? Rage takes over you. That’s something that you hate. When people invade your personal space. In this case, personal home.

‘‘ Jeon fucking Jungkook!’‘ You scream, abruptly stomping your feet all the way to and out your bedroom door. Suddenly you stop at the sight of the two faces staring back at you.

Jungkook’s expression holds a concerned yet upset face while the other just stands there calm and cool. But you on the other hand are way besides that level.

Your eyes must be filled with rage and the expression on your face is no good. How dare he disrespect you like that? Bringing him into your home, knowing the bad blood between you two. Oh, they both have something coming towards them. You begin to walk to them again making each step make the floor shake.

‘‘ Get out. Both of you. One you invade my personal private home..’‘

You grab both boys by their collars, making sure to grip the one on the right’s harder than usual. ‘‘ Two, you fucking invite him over here.’‘ You drag each of them towards the exit. Which is going good until Jungkook rips your hands away from his shirt and takes you over his shoulder.

You’ve had enough of him and his invasive ways. Pounding on his back with your fists, you make sure to scream into his ear. “ Put me the fuck down Jeon Jungko-”

You hiss at the stinging sensation on your ass. Did he just? Jimin stands there awkwardly rubbing the back of his neck. You make sure to make eye contact with him and roll your eyes. Something that always had and will piss him off.

‘‘ Hush. I told you all of us needed to have a deep talk about you.’‘

Jungkook plops your frail body onto one side of the couch in which he sits next to you. He motions for Jimin to come sit across from the both of you but you aren’t having it.

‘‘ Don’t you do it.” You glare at him. Jungkook sighs harshly only to pluck your forehead two times. You whine and rub it with your index and middle finger.

Jungkook shakes his head in disapproval, ‘‘ When are you ever going to learn? Jimin sit down now.”

‘‘ Truthfully.. I feel as though I shouldn’t be here so-”

“ Good. Get out you are unwanted.” You snap back causing him to give you one of his long stares with no facial expression at all.

Jungkook glares at you just before getting up to throw his hands in the air full of disappointment. “ Enough! “

Yelling. Something else you don’t like to hear being done at yourself. You finally sit still and quite avoiding any eye contact with the both of them.

He sits back down and clears his throat. Jungkook gives Jimin a look before continuing on.

‘‘ I gathered us here to talk about you..”

‘‘ Why. Im fine. How many times do I have to say it. Im fine im fine im fine im fucking fine!’‘ You exclaim, getting more mad by the second. When will people accept this?

‘‘ Baby.. ’‘

Your eyes shoot up to him and his soft voice. You didn’t want to but you did because his voice to you is like candy that melts into your mouth.

‘‘ Don’t call me that. You have a girlfriend at-least be loyal to her rather than what you did to me.’‘

‘‘ Fuck is anybody going to just sit here and listen? Can we at-least get to the source of the problem? Huh?’‘ Jungkook leans back into the couch clearly pissed by your attitude.

Jimin’s the first to speak and holds a firm eye contact with you, almost daring you to break away from it.

‘‘ Fine. Im just going to cut straight to it then. Why are you so jealous? You aren’t okay at all. I seen the way you looked at us yesterday. You wanted to break down so bad but you didn’t. It looks like you’ve been dropping weight day by day why aren’t you eating well?’’

You’re taken a-back by his jealous comment. Although you are you just cannot admit it. You are jealous. You do want him back. You cant bear to see him with another girl but you. But the fact that Jimin is concerned makes you really hope. Just hope that there is something left of you still in his heart.

‘‘ Jealous? Jealous tuh.” You scoff, leaning into Jungkook’s arms where you rest his head on your chest. You only do this just to see Jimin’s reaction and by the look on his face he doesn’t enjoy that move one bit.

‘‘ Yes jealous. I mean why else would you put almond extra-

‘‘ Woah. No need to go there. We established that it was a so called accident lastnight.” Jungkook does finger quotes into the air and looks down at you.

You lift your head up and furrow your eyebrows in annoyance, “ So called? So you really believe that I did it on purpose. Wow Jungkook. Escort yourself out.’’

He sighs, wrapping his arms around you securly in hopes of you settling down a  little, “ Honestly it’s not like that. I wasn’t there to see you bake them nor was I watching her eat it. Im just saying that you knew Jimin was coming and obviously his girlfriend was going to come too. It’s a little sketchy is all.”

There’s no fixing what he said. Him adding onto his explanation just made things sound worse than what he’s trying to say. You don’t have time to be ganged up on, nor like it at all. It’s best if they both just leave, to not turn nothing into something.

‘‘ Get out. Now. Before I call and tell Ryan what you said and then she’ll definitely deal with you.’‘ You say, removing yourself from off of him and onto the other side of the couch with your legs crossed.

Mad isn’t even the word to describe yourself right now. You’re just a mixture of all emotions.

Jungkook now looks of sorriness written all over his face. You bite your lip and shake your head while pointing towards the door. He sighs heavily and takes one last look at you while removing himself from the couch. You watch him slip on his coat and shoes.

Jimin gets up from his spot on the couch, ‘‘ I’ll be leav-”

‘‘ Sit down we aren’t done talking.” 

He looks at you with his eyebrows furrowed, sitting back down slowly.

Jungkook keeps his head down as he wraps his blue scarf around his neck. Poor baby, but he shouldn’t of said it. “Please better yourself and talk it out with each-other. Im leaving.”

‘‘ Make it home safely.. Kookie.” You sigh once the door closes behind him. Now you’re here. Face to face with Park Jimin.

The same Jimin who cheated on you. The same Jimin you haven’t seen in a while. You take a few moments to take in his appearance. He seems to have re-gained his muscles that are peaking through his black, longsleeve shirt. His thighs are still thick, just like his luscious lips. Of course he changed his hair color to black. But who knows, he might change it again.

‘‘ You’ve been doing well?’‘ You say, voice low but enough for him to hear. You drop your eyes to your lap instead of keeping intact with his.

‘‘ Yes. But you have not. Im disappointed in you. Why are you doing this to yourself? Don’t do this because of me.”

‘‘ Jimin you don’t know the feeling. You don’t know how it feels to be left wondering why you weren’t good enough for someone. Why they had cheated on you. You don’t understand at all and wont ever.’‘ Your voice cracks on the last sentence and you an feel the lump in your throat become sore.

He bites his lip unsure of what to say next. Those words had hit him good inside. ‘‘ Im sorry. I truly am. But you know the reason why we had to end it. I fucked up bad and the media was making the scandal bigger and messier day by day. It was better to just call it off.’‘

One by one your tears start to drop. You nose begins it’s running trip but you sniffle it back up.

‘�� You could of denied it. You know you could of made a statement and denied it. But you felt something for her didn’t you? Didn’t you?’‘ You semi-yell, sobs already starting to take it’s way over.

He bites his lip once again and ruffles his fingers through his hair, “ Baby..’’

You wipe your tears with your hands making your face even more puffy from the crying. “ I am jealous. I am I admit it Jimin. But do you know i have been suffering for one year and two months? I can’t sleep at night because im so used to your touch at night. I look at every couple in Seoul and think to myself, Dang they seem so happy. What’s their secret?’’

Jimin sits up, making eye contact with you with tears welling up into his eyes. It hurt’s you more than yourself to see him crying. It always has.

‘‘ Please don’t do that. Don’t do this to yourself. Please get help from someone to try and move on. Please. I don’t like to see or hear you make yourself suffer.’ He begs, getting up from his seat and coming towards you.

Jimin sits next to you, hesitantly opening his arms up to you. Would it be wrong to embrace him? He’s being too sincere, but thats what you want right? You decide to just do it, and lean into him only for him to pull you in closer into his chest.You just lay there crying and sobbing while he runs his fingers through your hair. You shouldn’t be doing this. He has a girlfriend. But it feels so right.

‘‘ What does she have that I don’t? Why couldn’t you love me the same way you love her “  You cry into his chest, soaking his shirt with your tears. 

You’d been waiting for this moment to just let it out. Let everything out.

‘’ Please don’t make this harder than what it is right now. Just try and forget me and move on. Please.” Hypocritcal. How does he expect you to get over him when he’s the one whos holding you so tight right now. Soon enough his sniffles join yours in harmony.

You raise your head up and look him deep into the eyes while you wipe away his tears, “ Don’t cry Jimin. I’m the one supposed to be crying over you. Don’t cry.’’

He takes your hand away from his face and wraps his fist ontop of yours, “Please promise me you will move on okay?’’

You shake your head no, “ I can’t make that promise.”

He doesn’t say anything. He gently cradles you in his arms and lifts you up. You don’t think to where he is going. You just close your eyes and grab onto his shirt firmly not wanting to let go.

Soon enough you feel the cold sheets over your bed. He covers you in the duvet and leans down to your forehead.  A kiss. Your fist is still locked onto his shirt in which he tries to pry it away but you don’t want to let him go. He sighs and raises his arms up as he takes off the shirt revealing an extra plain white wife beater under it. Taking your other hand, he wraps your hand into another fist onto the shirt to where both of your hands are holding onto it.

‘‘ Please better yourself for me baby. Sleep and eat well. “

Is all he says before turning off the lights and walking out your bedroom door.  You can hear him putting on and zipping up his heavy coat but you just don’t make a sound.

The apartment door clicks and beeps letting you know he’s already gone.

[sundaysundaes]

Monochrome

Lee Donghyuck/Haechan X Reader/Female OC | Romance, Eventual Smut, Fluff | NC-17 | Soulmate AU, Childhood-Friends-Become-Lovers AU

CHAPTER 1 OF 2. Part 2, titled Spectra, can be read here.

Summary: Lee Donghyuck once believed in the concept of soulmates—how fate would connect a red thread from one lover to another, in a form of dreams and memories. That was how his parents met, that was how they claimed their happiness, and he wanted nothing more but to live his life the way they lived theirs. Until one day, as he sees her slipping away from his hands, he has no choice but to stop believing entirely.

It was the color of amaranth red, Donghyuck remembers now, though he was still too young back then to know the name. It was the color of amaranth red that painted her cheeks and the tip of her nose as they were kissed by the morning breeze. It was the color of amaranth red that tinted her shoes, her knitted sweater dress, the two ribbons she wore on her hair. And it was the color of amaranth red that burst onto his cheeks, as his eyes widened in both glee, curiosity, and sheer excitement. He was four years old and she was five, but the way she spoke so courteously as she introduced herself upon their first meeting was something little Donghyuck could only imagine doing.

But it didn’t matter, Donghyuck was too distracted anyway. If he was older maybe he would’ve been left dumbfounded at the sight of her breathtaking smile, or the perfect curves of her lips, or the vibrant eyes she had hidden behind her symmetrical bangs. But he was merely a four-year-old, so he was more distracted with a jar full of chocolate cookies she carried in her arms.

“We’re the family that’s just moved in next door.” The older lady, who looked like the exact doppelgänger of the little girl, mentioned with a polite smile and a formal bow. “I hope we can become friends.”

Donghyuck’s mother cheered and took her hand in a friendly handshake before she beckoned the little girl to come closer. “Oh my, look at how adorable you are! You’re about the same age as my son. I hope you two can get along.”

Donghyuck, who had been hiding behind his mother’s legs, took a step forward. He was only interested in the jar full of cookies that she carried in her arms, licking his lips once as his eyes bore into it. But when the little girl offered the jar, grinning widely from ear-to-ear, and chirped, “Brought you some cookies! I helped my mother with these so I bet they’ll taste great!”, Donghyuck decided that he liked her more.

It was the color of azure, the crayon she held between her fingers back then, as she tried to imitate the look of his clothes on a stick figure. She was quite a painter, four-year-old Donghyuck thought, because there was no way for him to know how to draw mountains and the sun lurking behind them with that little head of his.

“Okay, so this is you,” she told him, smiling to herself as she finished perfecting her sketches of him. “And this is me. And this is our pet dog, Jelly Bean.”

“But we don’t have a dog.”

“We can have one in the future.”

“We can?”

“Of course. When we grow up, we can have whatever we want.”

Donghyuck believed her. He believed everything she said because she believed everything he said, even about the monsters living under his bed that his parents completely ignored. During their sleepovers, which occurred nearly three times a week in his room, she would always stand by as a guard, saying, “I’ll keep watch. If it appears, I will destroy it with my sword. Nothing can hurt you when I’m around.” And he would feel content, knowing she was there to protect him, even when in the end she fell asleep way before he did with her toy sword hanging loosely around her fingers.

Donghyuck would sleep next to her, curling up like a baby that he was, seeking her warmth. Their little feet would dangle out of his teepee tent and he would breathe in the scent of his grapefruit shampoo from her hair. And secretly, under his breath, as he tangled his pinky finger around hers, Donghyuck would say, “I wish we could stay like this forever.”

“Why do you always draw the sun?” Donghyuck questioned one day with his round, chocolate brown eyes scanning the giant yellow circle that she drew repeatedly with her crayon.

“Because I love the sun,” she answered, searching for another yellow crayon so she could paint it even more. “It’s bright and it’s warm, and I can play outside when it’s out. Don’t you feel happier when it’s sunny outside?”

Donghyuck thought about it, he really did with the very little experience that he had. “Probably. I can play soccer when it’s sunny.”

“See? The sun is amazing. Nothing can beat the sun. Do you know that the sun is the biggest star in our solar system?”

If he was smarter, he would've told her that of course, it's the biggest star, you idiot, it's the only star in our solar system. But little Donghyuck, who could barely remember what came after the letter S, innocently asked, “What’s a solar system?”

She sighed, shaking her head. “I forgot that you’re only four.”

“Hey, you’re only five!”

“But I know what a solar system is and you don’t.”

Donghyuck pouted. If only he was older, perhaps he could reciprocate with a better argument. But then again, she was quite smart—the smartest girl he had ever met. Well, in his whole four years of living anyway.

“You’re kinda like the sun, actually,” she suggested, gathering his attention back to her. “You have a bright smile and whenever you smile, you make me want to smile too. You’re like the sun because you always make me happy. Oh!” She suddenly jabbed one finger into the air, making him jump on his little feet. “I know! You should be called Haechan, as in Full Sun! And I’ll be calling you Haechannie because we’re friends.”

And Donghyuck smiled the way he always smiled, which made her point a finger to his face, shouting, “Yes, that’s it! That’s the smile! That’s my Haechannie!” And he liked the sound of it. He liked the way she called him Haechannie but not as much as he liked being called hers.

Because he’s always been hers, from the beginning of time till the end. It’s always been her who owns his heart, who paints a spectrum of colors to his monochromatic life, and who breaks his soul to pieces and tones everything down into black and white.

It’s always been her. No one else owns him but her.

***

It was apple green, the color of the duster his mother was wearing when she had her eyes glued to the TV screen, watching another episode of her most awaited romance series. It was way past their bedtime so Donghyuck performed his best ninja skill which was tiptoeing his way out of his room with his bunny socks enveloping his feet and his deer plush toy accompanying him in his arms.

He was five and she was six, but she had learned how to forgive when he could barely remember to send an apology after making a mistake.

“You stay here and be on guard, okay, Haechannie?” She whispered before she tiptoed her way to the kitchen, leaving him alone in the hallway.

He grabbed the sleeve of her rosy pink pajamas. “But what if my mom finds out?”

“She won’t find out. She’s busy watching TV.”

“What if she walks into the kitchen?”

“Then that’s the time you should give me a signal, Haechannieeeee. Will you ever listen to me?”

“I don’t wanna stay alone. Mom can be scary sometimes.”

“Ugh, fine, take my hand. We’ll get in together. You can help me hold my chair when I reach up to steal those cookies.”

“Can we just go back to bed? I don’t need any cookies.”

“No, no. When you have nightmares, you have to eat cookies.”

“But will you still sleep beside me?”

A delicate hand ruffled his raven hair until it got all tousled and adorable. “Of course, Haechannie.”

The moonlight did not shine as bright as the girl’s cherished smile. But it was okay, he thought, she could replace the moon with her lips. She could replenish the stars with her eyes. They did not sparkle nearly as beautiful as they were anyway.

On their way back to their room, Donghyuck heard two sentences being exchanged by the lovers inside the screen so he stopped and listened, carving every word into his memories. When he arrived back in his room, he ran toward her, circled his short little arms around her waist, and muttered the exact same words.

“There’s no life without you, Noona.”

And she didn’t question him anything, wasn’t surprised of him, wasn’t disgusted with it. She simply smiled back, turning around to embrace him properly, and whispered.

“There’s no life without you too, Haechannie.”

***

It was the color of cherry blossom pink, the petals of flowers that flown into his room, coming from the window that he just slid open. He stood up on his little wooden chair, waving his hands back and forth like a drowning man desperate for attention, as he shouted, “Noona! Wake up! They’re blooming!”

He was six and she was seven, but she had memorized how to count one to ten in three different languages when he could barely count all the planets in the solar system.

When she opened her window, her eyes were all squinted trying their best to adjust themselves to the brightness of the sun—or Donghyuck’s smile, considering it shone just as bright. “I’m still sleepy!”

“But you promised we’d go for a walk!”

“Ugh, fine! I’ll meet you outside my house in an hour. Don’t forget to wear your jacket, Haechannie, because I’m not lending mine again!”

He nodded, smiling all the way. But by an hour later, he had forgotten yet again to carry his coat with him because he was too busy remembering the look on her face whenever she called his name, and too excited to have her hold his hands during their little trip outside.

And it was fine, really, because she already brought two jackets with her, knowing him like the back of her hand.

***

It was the color of crimson, the droplets of blood that stained his shirt. He could barely breathe through his broken nose, and the pain stung so much that his eyes began to water. But knowing that she was there, sitting beside him on the side of the pavements with worried eyes observing his expression, he had no other choice but to rub his tears away before she could catch the sight of them falling to his cheeks.

He was twelve and she was thirteen, but she already had her own preferences of clothing, knowing exactly what kind of dress could accentuate her beauty, while he, on the other hand, was still pretty much wearing the exact same type of clothes like what his mother bought him two years ago.

“Are you okay?” Her eyes examined his face as she dabbed an ice-cold napkin to his bruised jaw. Donghyuck swatted her hand away, stealing the piece of cloth from her fingers so he could do it himself.

“I’m fine. I’m not a baby,” he muttered and he knew how harsh the tone he was using but he did not apologize for it. She most likely had forgiven him anyway.

“What happened exactly?” She was still tentatively reaching out to him, tidying the tousled strands of his brown hair. “Why did you get into a fight?”

“Who said I was in a fight?” He was. He absolutely was. It was against a boy with the stupidest haircut he’d ever seen on a male, in his classroom after he caught him stealing her sketchbook. Donghyuck saw him raking his pen back and forth on her drawings, grinning mischievously to himself as he did it. He didn’t stop to ask for an explanation. The second he saw her beautiful drawings get tainted by something that wasn’t made from her hands, he began to launch his fist, directly to the boy’s poor face. Donghyuck had always been more temperamental, so he fought more with his rage than his strength, which usually ended up with him getting a fair share of beating as well.

“Here.” He handed her sketchbook back and saw her widening her eyes in surprise. “That’s right, stupid. You forgot your stupid book. I was on my way back to the class to get it when I tripped down the stairs.”

“Oh, I didn’t realize I even took this out of my bag.” She blinked, checking her book and stopping after she flipped a few pages. Donghyuck froze on his seat. He’d already predicted that she would find out sooner or later that one of her pages—the one that was ruined by that asshole—was missing; he just hoped she wouldn’t notice right away. But maybe she also noticed the anxious look on his face when she went through the pages, which was why she decided to close the book, and do nothing but smile that stupidly blazing smile of hers.

“What?” He asked, already feeling quite flustered even when she hadn’t said anything yet.

“I’m just happy,” she replied, leaning in to kiss his cheek. “Thank you for, uhh, for getting this back for me.”

And he looked up to the sky, not caring if the sunlight was burning every inch of his skin and blinding his eyes, as long as she didn’t notice the rosy blush that painted his cheeks.

***

It was the color of lemon meringue, the chunk of tart that Donghyuck shoved into his mouth. They were celebrating his fourteenth birthday and he had a bunch of friends coming over. And yet, there he was sitting on the bench in his backyard, next to a girl dressed adorably in a yellow lace party dress, who was scowling at him.

“What?” Donghyuck muttered, yet plopping another big chunk of the tart. “Why do you look like you want to murder me? Is it that time of the month already?”

“No, jackass.” She rolled her eyes. “That’s my tart.”

“Sure, but,” he pierced the cake with his fork, taking another piece into his mouth with a mischievous twinkle in his eyes. “It’s my birthday cake.”

She sighed—a habit that she did a lot whenever she was with him. “Why are you even here? Shouldn’t you be opening the presents right now? I think your friends are looking for you.”

“Nah, I’d rather talk to you.” He shrugged, pushing the empty plate back now to its owner. “Besides, you look like you’re seconds away from crying. I figured I can be a jerk to you another day and play the role of your prince charming for the rest of the evening.”

“You literally just ate every bit of my tart.”

“You’re welcome.” He sent her a flying kiss and a wink.

They both leaned backward, resting their spines against the bench, staring blankly at the cloudy sky with their fingers lying idly just a few inches from each other.

“Have you heard about that thing with our soulmates?” Donghyuck suddenly asked, his tongue still tracing every little bit of the sugary taste left inside his mouth. “About how we’ll begin to constantly dream about them after we turn eighteen, even if we’ve never met them before.”

“I thought that was just a rumor?”

“I thought so too, but then my parents told me that the exact same thing happened to them.”

“They met each other in their dreams?”

“No, it’s like—” Donghyuck scratched the back of his head, furrowing his eyebrows. “I don’t know for sure, but it’s like your dreams are a mixture of your soulmate’s past and present memories. My mother said that she lived through his memories every night, until one day she met my father by coincidence during the day, and then she saw herself in the dream the following night. That was when she realized that he was her soulmate.”

“This is giving me headaches, but I kinda get the idea.”

“So whose memories do you think you’re going to see in your dream?” Donghyuck wiggled his eyebrows. “Mine?”

She snorted. “You wish your soulmate was me.”

“Actually, I do,” he stated, making her froze for a split second before she looked at him in bewilderment. “No, wait, don’t get me wrong,” he immediately corrected, raising a hand in the air. “It’s not like I’m into you or anything, ‘cause that’s, like, so gross since we’re basically like siblings by now, but if it really is true—this soulmate thingy—I wouldn’t mind if it turns out to be you because we get along really well, don’t we? Being soulmates doesn’t necessarily mean we have to marry each other—eww, God, no—” He made a show about it, sticking his tongue out in disgust. “It’s more like saying we’re connected. Know each other’s mind—like, we understand each other, you know what I mean? Don’t you feel that way about me?”

She thought about it, and with every second passing by, Donghyuck became more aware of how embarrassing his lines sounded in his ears. “You know what? Forget it. It’s dumb. I don’t know why I said—”

“Well, I guess, if you put it in a non-romantic way, then yeah, sure.” She smiled, a bit awkward and shy but sincere like always. “We can be soulmates. But I will only marry you if we’re the only two people left in the world. And even then, I would still think about it.”

He rolled his eyes but inwardly thanking her for not making this even more awkward than it already was. “Right, but for our friendship’s sake, let’s never talk about this again.”

“Agreed.”

They stood by in silence, hearing a bunch of children laughing in the background as they danced to the blaring music. “So on that note,” he said again, slicing through the awkward tension. “What are you so upset about today?”

She huffed, playing with her fingers. “I don’t know, I feel like everybody’s looking at me weird. I knew I shouldn’t have worn this dress—I know it’s too much—everyone is wearing shirts and jeans and I’m here looking like—”

“—a pretty girl,” he finished, staring nonchalantly at the clouds as he said it. “I don’t know what these guys think, but you’re prettier than any girl in the room today. You’re prettier than me, even, and that’s saying something.”

She bit her lower lip, holding back a laugh. “You just turned fourteen today and suddenly you’re old enough to flirt.”

“I wasn’t flirting.”

She smiled sheepishly. “Well, thanks, I guess.”

He looked to his side, a lopsided smile on his face. “Feel better now?”

“A little.”

“Good. Now go fetch me another plate of that thing I just ate ‘cause I’m still hungry.”

***

It was the color of ruby, the lipstick she wore on her lips for the very first time, which made Donghyuck knit his eyebrows together, both in confusion and bewilderment.

He was fifteen and she was sixteen, but she already read a bunch of novels about first kisses and sappy love stories when he barely even owned a novel.

“Are you wearing make-up?” he uttered with a frown, scrunching his nose. He was sitting on the edge of her bed, his black Michael Jackson shirt falling a bit loose around his shoulders with the bottom edge of his light-blue jeans folded.

“Yes, and before you judge me for it,” she began, but Donghyuck was already sticking his tongue out at her, making the most disgusted look on his face. “You’re an ass, do you know that?”

“You look like a clown, honestly.”

“Well, this clown is going on a date.” She looked proud, which made him furrow his eyebrows even deeper. “And if she’s lucky, she’s going to get her first kiss by the end of the evening, while you, on the other hand, are just going to sit there in your room watching The Kissing Booth for God knows how many times and pretend like you’re handsome enough to date the female protagonist.”

“I am handsome enough to date the female protagonist. Handsome enough to date the male protagonist even.”

“Yeah, in your dreams. You’re just a virgin with a stupid bowl cut in reality.”

“Whatever. You still look like a clown.”

“Whatever. Now turn around, I need to change my clothes.”

“To your clown costume?”

“Turn around!”

Donghyuck had little options in his hand, when she brought her high heels in the air, ready to hurl them to his face, so he exhaled loudly in annoyance and lied down on her bed, turning his body around so he was facing the wall.

“Who’s this idiot you’re going with?” He eventually asked, because the rustling sounds of her clothes hitting the floor were getting too distracting.

“Na Jaemin. You know, that extremely cute boy from P.E Class.”

He knew who exactly Jaemin was. Heard his name being spoken several times as he walked down his school’s corridor. Girls were obsessed with him, and they would scream as if the world was ending whenever he played a game on the basketball court. They might be thinking why is someone as perfect as Jaemin interested in someone like her? And he hated the fact that he was thinking the same thing, just the other way around.

Why is someone as perfect as her interested in someone like him?

But on the outside, he toned it down to a simple grimace. “What the hell is a Na Jaemin?”

She threw her heel at him, hitting his spine and making him groan. “Hey, that hurts, you bi—” But his words died on his tongue when he saw her standing in front of her mirror in nothing but her matching underwear, with her dress threatening to fall from her arms.

“Hey!” She shrieked, squatting down to the floor and trying her best to gather as much clothing to her body to stop herself from being so exposed to his eyes. “I didn’t say you could turn around!”

And Donghyuck would’ve played it cool, he really would have, if he wasn’t too aware of the heat rising to his cheeks. “I, uhh—” He turned around again, clearing his throat. “Well, it’s your fault for throwing your shoe at me! I turned around in reflex.”

“Ugh, you’re so annoying! From now on, you wait outside!”

“Fine!” He scrambled to his feet, making sure that he didn’t spare any glance at her—no matter how badly he wanted to—as he made his way out. “You have small boobs anyway.”

She screamed his name in both shame and anger but he was walking out with a cheeky grin on his face. He waited outside her room with his hands buried deep in the pocket of his jeans, yawning as he pressed the back of his head against the wall. A moment later, she opened the door with her face down, trying to tuck her bra strap under the collar of her dress. When he called her name, she nearly jumped out of her skin. “Damn it, Haechannie, I thought you’ve left!”

“I wanted to see your clown costume.”

“Why you little—” But this time, it was her turn to be lost at words because Donghyuck was staring at her in the way he never stared at her before. His eyes were gleaming as they took in her features—her lace cocktail dress that matched the color of her lipstick, her red ankle strap heels, her natural make-up that gave prominence to her eyes, and the way all of her clothing just fell perfect on her skin, embracing her every curve.

“W-what is it?” She asked, carding her fingers nervously through her hair—her soft, beautiful hair that always made him a little bit weak whenever she tucked a loose strand behind her ear. “Do I look weird?”

He forced himself to close his gaping mouth and act nonchalant again. After nine years of training, he was beginning to master his act. “Well,” Donghyuck said, shrugging, “It’s not exactly like the clown costume I remembered it to be, but it’s okay, I guess. So now tell me where is this Halloween party you’re attending because I’m going too.”

“I can no longer tell whether you’re joking or not, honestly.” She waved him off, tightening the straps of her heels. “Look, it’s my first date with a really cute boy who I really like. Can’t you at least wish me luck?”

Donghyuck didn’t answer right away. His heart was still conflicted about the whole thing and his head was still swirling over the thoughts of how pretty she looked. “I can’t believe you’re blowing me off for something as lame as Na Jaemin.”

“Someone as lame as—wait, he’s not lame!”

“But does he know you the way I do, though? Like, does he know how loud your snores are? I know that, and I accept that.”

“Haechannie, we literally spend every weekend together for the last nine years. I’m just taking one night off.”

“Doesn’t change the fact that you’re still blowing me off.”

“Look, if it wasn’t a date, I would’ve asked you to come but since this is a date,” she stopped to smile, tapping her fingers against his cheek, “You be a good boy and wait for me at home, okay?”

As she walked out of her house, with him trailing behind her with heavy steps, Donghyuck said, “I hope his breath smells like shit when you kiss him later tonight!”

She laughed it off, raising her middle finger playfully at him, probably thinking he was upset because they didn’t spend the weekend together when he was entirely livid about something else.

He wasn’t sure how he felt towards her, but he was pretty certain that he didn’t like the fact she went out with some boy who probably wasn’t aware of her full name—or the way she would bite on her bottom lip from being too deep in concentration whenever she sketched something down, or the way she would puff out her cheeks in the most adorable way when she got teased too much. That fucking Na Jaemin wouldn’t understand her the way Donghyuck did.

So for the first time in his life, Donghyuck prayed something bad happened that night so her date would get canceled and she’d come running back into his arms, snuggling close with a popcorn bowl on their laps as they watched the same movie for the hundredth time.

Unfortunately for him, his prayer was not answered.

***

It was sapphire blue, the color of his hoodie was when he swung by to her house again, casually letting himself inside without even greeting her parents because he did it so many times within a day. It started to feel more like his house compared to hers.

“Oh,” she sneered, a smile appearing on her face. “You again.”

“What’s with the under-appreciating tone?” He clicked his tongue. “Most girls would actually scream in joy when I graced them with my presence.”

“Scream in horror, more likely.”

He ignored her banter, taking a seat on her bed again. She was lying down on her duvet, stomach pressed against the fabric with a fashion magazine under her fingers. “So,” he began, casually laying his head down on the dip of her spine, staring at the ceiling and secretly loving the feeling of knowing directly every time she took and released her breath. “Did he smell like shit when you kissed him?”

She flipped through a page. “As a matter of fact, we haven’t kissed. But that’s none of your business anyway.”

Donghyuck couldn’t help a smile creeping up his face. It was his luck that she didn’t notice. “Oh, but it is my business,” he said, trying not to sound as gleeful as he felt inside. “I really want to know whether he smells like shit or a dog's piss so I can make fun of him every time I see you.”

“Well, from the close proximity I had with him during our conversations inside the cinema, he smelled deliciously wonderful.”

“Deliciously? So he smelled like tacos?”

“Smelled way better than you, at least.”

“You’ve never kissed me so you wouldn’t know.”

“I already can tell without having to kiss you, asshole. You reek from a hundred feet away.”

“But just to be sure, wanna make-out with me for a while? I won’t bite.” Then he leaned in to whisper in her ear. “Unless that’s what you’re into.”

“Shut the fuck up.”

“AUNTIEEEEEEE, SHE’S SAYING THE F WORD!”

“SHUT UP!”

***

It was Navajo white, the color of her knitted scarf was, as it hanged loosely around her neck, matching the color of her duffle coat.

“Oh,” Donghyuck flatly said as he opened the door to his room, answering her persistent knocks. “You again.”

“Haechannie.” The way she said his name sounded like she was desperate for help, and that made his heart flutter a little bit at the thought of being needed. But the words that followed soon after, crushed every bit of his happiness within an instant. “Jaemin asked me to be his girlfriend.”

He could feel how tightly his fingers were sinking into his palms but he tried to keep his voice steady. “And you’re confused because you just found out he’s a girl?”

“What should I do?” She whined, completely ignoring his sarcastic reaction. She seemed anxious, jumping a little on her feet every now and then, which was so adorable for his eyes to take but whenever he remembered the reason why she was acting that cute, he could feel his jaws tightening again.

“Do whatever you want, it’s not my business,” he muttered, walking back to his room but leaving the door open for her to follow.

“I like him, Haechannie,” she continued, and with every word that came from her mouth, a javelin seemed to strike him even harder in the chest. “I really do, but am I ready to have a relationship? Like what do I do? I know I joke a lot about having my first kiss but now that we’re about to become official, and knowing that he’s most likely going to kiss me soon, I get so nervous.”

Donghyuck didn’t say a word. He had nothing nice to say, so he kept himself in silence.

“W-what would you do if you were me?” She sputtered. “I mean, if a girl you like asked you to be her boyfriend?”

Donghyuck had his hands hidden in the pockets of his hoodie, so she wouldn’t be able to tell when his fingers curled into balls of fists. He had the back of his hips pressed against his desk, locating his eyes on his shoes instead of hers. “This girl I like is actually talking about being someone else’s girlfriend,” he professed, “So I’m not sure I can give you proper advice.”

“Stop messing with me, Haechannie, I’m seriously begging for your help here.”

It was goddamn annoying, he thought, how she could be so dense when it came to things like this. Well, to be fair, he did have his fair share of flirting with her from time to time whether he meant his words or not, and knowing how playful he was, it’s a given that she grew to become accustomed to his teasing personality. It was nearly impossible for him to be taken seriously nowadays.

“Why are you even asking me?” He spat out, now looking at her eyes—almost glowering. “I’m not your boyfriend.”

“I don’t know, I really need someone to talk to, I guess.” She played with her hair, biting her lower lip worriedly. “And you’re my best friend so I naturally just come to you. You always seem to have the answers to everything.”

There was a pang in his heart when she singlehandedly decided on their relationship status and he knew he shouldn’t have asked for something more but with more days passing by where it was only the two of them walking side-by-side under the first snow, or calling each other’s names the first thing in the morning through their windows, Donghyuck couldn’t help but to hope for something more.

“Well, like I said,” he repeated, voice sounding low and foreign even to his own ears. “Do whatever you want. As long as it makes you happy.”

She took a proper look at his face. “Are you angry or something?”

“No.”

“What, like, did I do something wrong?”

“No.”

“Then why—”

“I said nothing’s wrong!” His voice thundered through the thick tension that was hanging between them and he felt his own heart shaking in pain from the tone he just made. They stared at each other’s eyes in what felt like hours before Donghyuck finally covered it with a tired sigh. “I’m sorry, I’m just really tired right now. Didn’t catch any sleep last night from playing too many games.”

It took a good few seconds for her to regain back her composure. “Well, I don’t want to bother you then.” She didn’t sound angry, but she did sound hurt. Donghyuck was still in the middle of sorting out his feelings when she walked out of his room, saying, “I’m sorry for pestering you like this. Goodbye, Haechannie.”

He had never hated someone as much as he hated himself then.

It took him five hours for his mind to finally make up the decision to go into her house and apologize in person, but only a second for him to immediately do it once he’d made up his mind. He ran down the stairs so fast, he almost fell face-first on the carpeted floor. When he stood in front of her house, desperately pushing back air into his lungs, the door was locked and no one came to answer no matter how many times he rang the doorbell.

Muttering a train of expletives under his breath, he turned to his iPhone and found the first number in his emergency contacts. He was about to press dial when suddenly her name popped out on his screen, asking him to answer her call.

“Noona?” Donghyuck called, breathing in relief. “Hey, I was about to call you. I wanted to apologi—”

“Haechannie.” She sounded so happy, almost to the point of shedding tears. “Haechannie, he just kissed me.”

Donghyuck’s lips were parted in shock, his throat felt like burning, even though puffs of air still tumbled down from his mouth. His heart almost stopped beating entirely.

“What do I do, Haechannie, I’m so happy,” she said, laughing between tears. “I’m actually crying right now. I’m so lame, I know, but—God, I can’t believe I got kissed by my crush—no, wait, my boyfriend—oh God, it’s still embarrassing to say that but—”

As if turning deaf, her voice in his ears was reduced into a silent murmur before vanishing entirely. The loud beating of his heart soon replaced it as it pumped more anger and jealousy through his veins but Donghyuck wasn’t going to repeat his previous mistake. He wasn’t going to let his emotions take control again.

“Well,” he breathed out, unfamiliar with the sound of his own voice. “I’m happy for you then.”

“You are? Oh, thank God, because I thought you’d whine about me for not spending time with you anymore.”

“Do you really think that lousy of me?”

“I’m kidding, Haechannie. I love you. You know that, right?”

And it hurt, the way she said it, because it meant nothing more than a platonic love and he wanted it to mean more. Perhaps he had been waiting for those three words to mean more for the last nine years of his life.

“Of course,” he simply said, hoping she wouldn’t hear the crack in his voice. “There’s no life without you, Noona.”

It took her a while to respond, and he was worried whether the cold tone in his voice stood too vividly again, but she laughed before he could think too much.

“It’s been a while since we said that. Of course, yes, there’s no life without you, Haechannie.” She giggled again, “It’s kind of embarrassing to say that when we’re already this old. Maybe we should start looking for another catchphrase. I don’t want Jaemin to catch me saying that to you either—”

“No, don’t—” Since when did speaking to her become this hard? “It’s something that we’ve been doing since we were kids. I’m not gonna change our tradition just because of one asshole that you happen to like.”

A silence, then a chuckle. “Seems like you’re back to your old self again. I was beginning to worry. All right then, let’s keep it that way. I’ll just have to be more careful.” He could tell that she was smiling all the way when she said her sentences.

“When will you be back?” I miss you. “I want to see you.” I want to hold you. “We haven’t really talked these days.”

“Oh, umm…” She sounded so apologetically soft, so quiet, so out of his reach. “Jaemin actually just asked me to go somewhere with him, but I’ll be back soon. Is there something you need?”

He curled his fingers. “Nothing important. It can wait.”

“Great. Oh, Jaemin just called, I gotta—”

“Stop saying his name.”

When a small gasp came from the other line, Donghyuck raised his head, startled by his action. “I mean,” he cleared his throat, his stomach doing somersaults. “It’s just—” He couldn’t think of anything fast enough. “You’re right. I’m sorry for taking your time.”

“Oh, no, it’s…” A pause, which struck like a hurricane. “It’s fine. I’ll see you tomorrow morning, okay?”

“Sure.” But he didn’t hold her on her promise, because she now belonged to someone else.

He just had to get used to being alone.

***

It was the color of eerie black, the denim jacket that he wore above his white shirt as he prepared himself for his date. Donghyuck had cut his hair short, ran his fingers through his bangs so they no longer covered his eyes, and sprayed the new bergamot perfume he bought around his neck.

He didn’t notice it at first, but he had become more popular in school for the past few months, after being a vocalist in a band and performing during the school festival. Girls were approaching him, asking from what class he was, wanting to know whether he wanted to hang out with them from time to time and it felt weird, although he had been quite popular back then too, it was more because he was the funny kid—not the hot kid in school.

So eventually he started going on dates, and every time he managed to spend a day with a girl, he’d come home to brag about it to his neighbor, wanting to evoke a reaction but what came out of her was only a small chuckle and a shake of her head, “What are you talking about? You’re just a boy. You know nothing about girls, let alone going on a date with one.” And he would drop the topic, fuming for the rest of the day.

“There.” He straightened his jacket, gazing at his reflection in the standing mirror. “New day, new beginning, Hyuck. You can do this.”

You can forget her and move on.

So he checked on his phone, noticing a new chat just popped up under the name of the stranger he had been seeing for two weeks, and felt his heart beating as steady as usual. Everything felt the same. Even after he’d kissed her for the first time, intertwined his fingers with hers as they walked from one cafe to another, or hearing her laugh over his words even when he didn’t try to be funny—everything felt the same. So… plain. Unexciting. And after two weeks had passed by, meeting this stranger—the girl with the auburn colored hair, crooked teeth, and waist thinner than most—began to feel like a chore.

No, you said you’d do this. You said you’d move on from her.

“Ah, Haechannie!” The way his childhood friend immediately smiled upon his presence, waving a hand back and forth as if they were long lost companions instead of neighbors, almost made him stop in his tracks. “You’re going somewhere? You look so nice!”

His resolution faltered as simple as that. Only by the sound of her voice calling his name, only by her contagious grin creeping to his face, only by simple praise that made his stomach flip most delightfully.

“What do you mean, I look nice? I always look nice.” Donghyuck was proud of himself to be able to conceal his feelings most of the time, and not actually acting like a blushing seventeen-year-old boy with the hugest crush on his childhood friend that he was.

She took her time analyzing him and for the first time in his life, he began to fidget on his feet, swallowing his breath.

“Stop staring at me, you’re making me feel weird.”

“Sorry, I just can’t believe you’re this big,” she said, her eyes sparkling in amazement. “Like, I know we’re neighbors but we’ve been busy dealing with our own things these days so I haven’t really taken a closer look at you but man, look how much you’ve grown. You’re way taller than me now.”

“Yeah, if you weren’t too busy playing tonsil hockey with that fucking Na Jaemin all the time, you would’ve noticed.”

“Indeed.” She looked amused, even proud somehow. “But I got to make-out and stuff. What have you done so far, cherry boy?”

He clenched his jaw, jealousy coursing through his veins. He tried to shove the picture of Jaemin running his hands all over her body—her perfect body—to the back of his head and he thought he did a remarkable job at it. But when he smiled, his eyes didn’t follow through.

“None of your business,” he simply said, tucking his hands inside the pockets of his jeans and walked away. “I’m going on a date. See you later.”

“You’re going on a date?!” She shrieked, eyes wide. “With who?”

“A pretty girl.”

She took a hold of his hand, stopping him from walking further. “Is this the girl you’ve been seeing for the last two weeks?”

He didn’t realize she kept count. “Yeah. What about it?”

“Nothing, I was just…” She awkwardly shrugged, her fingers hanging loosely around his arm. “Just curious, that’s all. So, like… Do you like her? What’s her name?”

It was almost possessive the way she asked the questions which on one hand, made him feel happy, hoping that she was jealous about it, but on the other hand, also pissed the hell out of him because if she was indeed jealous—if she ever felt the same way as him, even if only slightly—why did she go to Jaemin’s arms instead of his?

“Her name,” he glanced at her with lifeless eyes, “is Miss None-of-Your-Fucking-Business.”

Her smiled dropped instantly. “What is your problem? I just wanted to know—”

He knew he had the worst temper and patience in the world when it came to her, and he was not always like that before. Ever since the feelings he harbored for her grew bigger and bigger with each day passing by no matter how hard he tried to make himself fall in love with somebody else, he grew even more anxious, even less patient, and he hated the way he’d become.

But he couldn’t help it.

“Want to know what?” He asked, now facing her, circling his long fingers around her wrist and raising it in the air. “What do you want to know, exactly? It’s not just her name, is it? You want to know the things I do with her too? Want to know how I feel for her?”

Her eyes began to shake, frantically trying to understand him. “What—why are you so upset?”

“I’m not, I—” He sighed with a groan coming from the back of his throat, letting her go before he massaged his temple. I’m just so stressed out knowing how clueless you are of both your own feelings and mine. “Look, I gotta go. I’m running late.”

When he walked away, taking just about three steps ahead, she shouted. “Haechannie!”

He turned his head around, just enough to see her smiling softly at him. “This weekend,” she said, “Spend time with me this weekend. Please.”

“Noona, I—”

“I miss you.”

Just like that, she had him wrapped around her fingers again. It’s not fair. You’re not fair. You can’t keep doing this to me. But he smiled back, his gaze growing gentle, almost longing. “Then I’ll see you this weekend.”

He was in a fight he knew he’d lose every time.

***

It was coral pink, the color of the girl’s lip cream but he felt it pressed against his lips before he could see it properly. He felt his collar being tugged as his body was pushed further into her room, hasty hands pushing the jacket off his shoulders.

“You smell so good,” she said, giggling as she brought his bottom lip between her teeth. “And you look so fucking hot in this outfit.” Donghyuck hit the back of his knees against her bed and tumbled down onto her sheets, with his self-proclaimed girlfriend following shortly after.

“Wait—” he said, his eyebrows joining together in the middle from feeling both confused and uncomfortable. “What about your parents—”

“They’re not home,” she said in a rush, climbing onto his lap. “And I want you.” She tangled her lean fingers around his locks, pulling his head back to expose more of his neck. “I’ve been wanting you for so long, Hyuck,” she gasped, her mouth latching on his skin, tasting his bergamot perfume with her tongue. “And we’ve waited long enough, don’t you think?”

A little more than two weeks had passed since they first went on a date, and he really thought he could like her but whenever he closed his eyes during the kiss, his mind would start acting on its own, morphing her face to someone more familiar. Someone who could pull on his heartstrings and play with them only by the sight of her smile.

It felt wrong. All of this felt wrong. But he said he’d move on, he promised himself he would, and this was one of the ways to do it.

“You seem distracted,” she moaned softly against his ear, pressing her hips against him. “Am I boring you?”

He didn’t say a word and instead forced himself to kiss her better. He held her by the nape, angling her head to the side, and she sighed against his mouth, hooking her fingers around his silver necklace to pull him even closer.

Donghyuck was lost deep in his thoughts, and his heart just wasn’t there, but he didn’t push her away. She spread her legs and tangled them around his waist, pressing herself down until she could feel the zipper of his jeans grazing against her underwear. Donghyuck hissed under his breath, not agreeing with how his body reacted on its own and she grinned against his lips, guiding the hands he reactively laid around her waist to move further down her body.

“Touch me here,” she begged, taking his right hand and slipped it under her shirt, pushing her breast against his palm. Donghyuck let out a heavy breath as he let her tongue slipped past his lips and he closed his eyes again because that was the only way that this could all feel right to him.

Noona…

But no matter how good her touches felt on his skin, guilt was the only sensation he could feel in his heart. The more they kissed, the more he realized that she was not her, and she could never be her. He couldn’t smell the scent of strawberries from her hair. He couldn’t hear the cute giggle she made when his jokes got to her head. And no matter how they seemed physically similar—the look of her hair, the shape of her eyes, the way she dressed—he still couldn’t lie to himself and pretend she was her.

“Wait—” He pushed her gently off his lap by landing both hands on her shoulders. “Let’s stop.”

“Why?” She was upset, he could tell. “What is it?”

You’re not her. “I feel like we’re going too fast.” I don’t want you, I want her. “And what if your parents come home?” I feel sick. I need to get out of here. I need to see her.

“They won’t be home until midnight, I promise.” She had her fingers curled around his nape again. “Please, Hyuck, don’t you want me?”

She didn’t give him the chance to answer, swallowing his protest with her lips, tasting more of his mouth with her tongue. “Mmph—no—wait!” he pushed her away again, firmer this time to the point she almost toppled over. “Look, I’m not in the mood, okay?” His tone was getting harsher, which only led her to feel even more agitated.

“Why the fuck are you even here then?” She spat out, throwing her hands in the air.

Donghyuck shoved her away none too gently this time, stepping down from her bed. “I don’t fucking know,” he growled under his breath, putting his denim jacket back on. “I’m leaving.”

“What are you, gay?!” She was screaming as he stormed off, slamming her bedroom door on his way out.

***

It was the color of sunset that illuminated her face, as she sat on her porch with her knees pressed together to her chest and her spine glued to the wall. Her eyes were blank, almost lifeless as she stared into space, her previous conversation with her beloved childhood friend replaying non-stop in her head.

Does he really like her? Why didn’t he tell me anything about this? How far have they gone? Has he kissed her yet?

The heat was spreading to her cheeks at the thought of Donghyuck leaning in close, his eyes going half-lidded before he closed them entirely, his lips—his beautiful, plump lips—slightly parted in anticipation before he—

She buried her hands in her palms. What is wrong with you?! He’s practically your brother!

It wasn’t like she never thought about him as something more. She just never allowed herself to think about him that way. What they had was special—Donghyuck was special. He was her only true friend, the family that always stood by her side even when her parents didn’t. The one who noticed the simplest things about her without having to be told—like handing her a brand new sketchbook whenever she was about to run out of pages, or the way he would always take a day off school whenever she was sick in bed so he could accompany her the whole day, watching re-runs of her favorite show while munching red velvet cakes the way he knew she liked.

He was the one who could see behind her lies and excuses, and the only one who would come over to her side at any hour just to fulfill her dumb requests—even though he whined the whole time. And she knew she was special to him in some ways as well, because she was the only one who he allowed to see him cry while watching Titanic which to this day, still brought a smile to her face whenever the thought came up.

It was getting pretty distracting when puberty hit him like a truck somewhere in his first year of high school. His shoulders got broader, his jawlines became more prominent, his voice got a tad deeper, and he was getting taller and taller that she had to tilt her head upward to see his face properly during conversations. He was packing more muscles too, from all the soccer activities he did after school, turning his complexion from slightly pale into the perfect color of a sun-kissed tan. While she, on the other hand, only had two pimples appearing on her cheeks and her chest growing slightly bigger.

She adored him. To her, his existence had become such an integral part of her life that whenever she didn’t see him for a day, she would sit on her porch, counting the minutes until he walked past her house, calling her, “Noona,” with that cheeky smile on his face before he told her about his day.

That was before she dated Jaemin, though. Because after that, he became quite distant. It felt weird and slightly out of character for him to give her the cold shoulder whenever she mentioned his name, but she thought perhaps it was just a boy thing. The whole conversation about her drooling over her boyfriend was probably too boring for his ears, and Donghyuck was always straightforward with the things he wasn’t fond of so she shouldn’t have been so surprised.

Maybe he just wanted to give her the time she needed, so she could spend her days with her boyfriend—like what she was supposed to do—but she couldn’t help it that whenever Jaemin called her noona because he was also a year younger than her, the thought of Donghyuck’s teasing eyes and lopsided smiles crossed her mind.

And then the thought of him, holding another girl on his bed, his lips brushing against hers—

Ah, she mentally groaned, attempting to massage her scalp but ended up yanking on the roots of her hair. Lee Donghyuck, what am I supposed to do with these thoughts of you?

“You look like you’re going insane, honestly.”

She’d recognize that voice in a heartbeat even if she had her eyes closed and when she saw him slouching over her fence with a teasing smile painted on his lips, she nearly crumbled to the ground.

“Were you waiting for me, Noona?” He questioned with his eyebrow raised in a teasing manner, causing her to blush even harder.

“Of course not, idiot, why would I?” And the sound of his small chuckle warmed her heart. “You’re coming back pretty early. I thought you were going to spend the night with her.”

“Yeah?” He dragged open the fence, walking closer to her spot. “You were thinking about me spending a night at her place? Doing what, exactly?”

“Shut up.” She threw her sandal at him which he easily dodged before he took a seat beside her. “Did something happen on your date?”

“We had sex.”

She wasn’t sure whether it was because of the way he just casually said the words as if he was talking about the weather, or simply because he said those words at all, but she found herself frozen to her toes, her heart dropping into a bottomless pit, her chest suffocating.

“O-oh…” She gulped, bringing her eyes down to her fingers. “That’s great… I guess.”

“It was great,” he said, leaning back to press his spine against the wall as well. “But her parents came home soon after so I had to bail.”

He was still talking but she could no longer hear him, as if he was drowning in the background, his voice turning into whispers.

There was a feeling she couldn’t understand that kept appearing in her chest, sending fire to her fingertips. It felt like he was crushing her heart little by little with every word he said, choking her until she couldn’t breathe. She never felt like this before. Was it sadness that she felt—knowing that her little Haechannie was not her little Haechannie anymore? Or was it loneliness, knowing that he had someone else in his life—someone who could feel his touches, and made him feel theirs, in the way she could never do?

“Noona.”

She blinked herself awake. “What?”

“You’ve been quiet for a while.”

“I was just…” She desperately sought an answer. “I’m sleepy.”

It was a terrible lie and he could tell, but he didn’t say anything. Instead, he offered her his shoulder. “Come here, then.” And she obliged, lying her cold cheek against his warmth and for the first time in her life, she began to be more conscious of everything.

Of his intoxicating scent. Of his slow breathing. Of his velvety voice sounding dangerously close to her ear.

Of his presence, entirely.

“So,” he pressed the side of his head against hers, voice turning gentle and quiet. “You’re not playing tonsil hockey with your stupid boyfriend today?”

“He had something to do, like a group project or something. And it’s fine, I needed some time alone to sort out my—” feelings. “—thoughts anyway.”

Donghyuck snorted. “Thoughts? Like, plural? You with that one brain cell of yours?”

She poked him on the side of his abs, forcing him to laugh in the way he usually did in the past. “All jokes aside though, Noona.” He sighed, staring at the way their hands were lying side by side on the wooden parquet. If only he could just move slightly… “Are you happy with him?” was the question he asked, but he actually wanted to hear the answer to Are you happier with him compared to when you’re with me?

“I think I am,” she said, and he could hear the smile in her words which ironically sparks pain to his every nerve. “I mean, it’s my first time being in a relationship so I barely know anything at this point, but… He does make me feel something in a way that no one has ever made me feel before.”

“What, like, horny?”

“That too, but—” She huffed. “I don’t know, like, he makes me feel wanted. Desired. He makes me feel pretty and I feel like I’m more confident now as a person, knowing that there’s someone out there who wants me that way, you know?”

Donghyuck stared into space, his tongue felt heavy in his mouth. “But does he need you, though?” Does he need you like I do?

“Is there a difference?”

“Well, wanting you would be like he wants to hold hands with you, kiss you, touch you, be intimate with you or something but you can be replaceable as soon as he’s satisfied with you and starts wanting someone else.”

“I don’t think Jaemin is the kind of person who thinks like that.”

I don’t fucking care about Jaemin. “Yeah, I hope not. I don’t ever want you to have your heart broken.”

There was a silence that hung around them, and it started to make him feel flustered at his own words so he immediately added, “By anyone else but me. The only one who can mess with your head and your stupid heart is me. That’s like the reason for my existence—to make sure your life is a living hell.”

She smiled, taking his hand in hers, and squeezed him softly. “Yeah. You’ve always been my little devil after all.”

The word ‘my’ had a nice ring to his ears, enveloping his heart in a warming sensation, and Donghyuck blushed again, for an entirely different reason but as long as she didn’t notice, he would be fine.

***

It was ash grey, the color of his sweater that she borrowed to be worn as her sleeping attire during their sleepover at his house. It felt strange for two young adults in their primal stage of life to be sharing a room, but Donghyuck was more than pleased to offer her his bed while he slept on the floor, and his parents also didn’t mind, as long as they kept their bedroom door open.

“Final chance to back down, Noona, because I’m not stopping once we go all the way,” Donghyuck warned, suggestively raising his eyebrow, making her gulp nervously.

“I-I’m ready,” she said, nodding her head shakily a few times.

“You sure.”

“Just do it.”

“Well then, here we go.”

And as he clicked play, the movie started. It felt like it had been years since the last time they watched a movie together, sitting side by side on a carpeted floor, with a popcorn bowl on her lap, and a MacBook on his. They shared earphones, forcing them to sit as close as possible to avoid having them slipped out of their ears. Horror movies were her weakness so he always insisted to watch one of them to torture her—and also to see her cute reactions but Donghyuck scratched that off his mind—and somehow, she always ended up agreeing to it.

Donghyuck could watch every jumpscare in the movie without batting an eyelash, but his heart jumped every time whenever she clung on to him, her arms wrapping tightly against his, her head sinking at the crook of his neck, her frantic breath fanning his skin.

“What are you so scared about?” He asked, thanking God that he didn’t stutter. “It’s just a ghost of his dead girlfriend, haunting him for vengeance while singing a creepy tune as she does it.”

“Literally everything you just said!” She sobbed, her fingers clutching tightly to the fabric of his shirt, her fingernails nearly scratching his skin.

Donghyuck knew he was blushing and he hated it, and if she kept doing that, who knew what he’d become. “Let’s just stop then.”

“But you want to see this movie, don’t you—AAAH!”

His ears began to ring. “Not with you screaming like this!”

“It’s okay, I can handle this.” She puffed out her chest, taking a deep breath. “But can I hold your hand, just in case?”

It was his turn to take a deep breath. “Sure.”

It was scary, Donghyuck thought, how his mind could pay no attention whatsoever to what was showing on the screen, and instead focusing every nerve in his body on the sight of her fingers resting on top of his, squeezing them tightly whenever she was scared out of her mind.

There was a knot in his stomach, making him feel lightheaded and he tried to push the thought of lifting her fingertips to his lips and kiss them until she could think about nothing but him away from his mind.

By the end of the movie, he knew nothing about the storyline but she was bawling her eyes out. “I can’t believe I’m crying over a ghost’s background story, this is so stupid,” she said, sobbing fervently until her entire shoulders began to shake.

Donghyuck lifted one knee to his chest, laying his arms on top of it before he rested his cheek on them, He gazed at her with a pair of longing eyes, gleaming in adoration. “You’re so cute,” he sighed in a breathy voice.

Still rubbing the tears out of her eyes, she asked, “What?”

“The way you get so worked up over stupid things like this is just—cute. You’re so cute.”

“Stop it.”

“Stop what?”

“Stop saying those kinds of things to me. You already have a girlfriend. It’s not right to do this to her, even if you’re just joking around.”

Maybe it was because she seemed a bit hurt, her voice sounding strained and plaintive, or maybe it was just her line entirely but whatever it was, it made his skin crawl and he could no longer control what came out of his mouth.

“What if I didn’t have a girlfriend then?” He questioned, eyes deadly serious. “What if I wasn’t just flirting with you? What would you do if I told you I meant everything I said, every praise, every feeling I had for you?”

Her hands froze mid-air as she tried to wipe the rest of her tears away from her eyes. “What are you—”

“What would you do if I told you I loved you?” He leaned closer, brushing his fingertips against her tear-stained cheek. “Would you believe me if I say I’ve been in love with you ever since I met you?”

Silence struck like a hurricane, and there was a storm swirling in her chest. “I…” Her throats felt dry. “I, uhh…”

She looked so conflicted that it began to hurt him even when she didn’t intend to, because Donghyuck wanted her to immediately say, “I would’ve said the same thing,” straight to his face without having to trip on her words. Without her voice sounding so brittle. Without her face looking like she was about to break someone’s heart.

So he simply got up to his feet, forcing a train of laughter to erupt from his mouth. “I’m just messing with you, idiot. Stop looking at me like you got your panties in a twist, I was just kidding.”

And he expected her to be angry. Angry enough that she would shout while throwing things at his face, but instead, she broke down in tears again but smiling so widely in relief.

“I’m so glad,” she said, nearly choking on her tears. “I’m so glad you were just joking.”

He knew he wouldn’t be able to hide the pain that fleeted on his eyes, so he turned around, sinking his nails deep into his palm so he could focus on that pain instead of the one in his heart before he gathered his quilt with both arms. “Let’s just go to bed, it’s late.”

“You’re sleeping on the floor again?”

“What do you think?”

“But…” She nibbled on her lower lip. “It’s, umm, I don’t mind if we sleep together—I mean, on the bed, like, side-by-side, not—” She caught herself, shaking her head. “Anyway, it’s big enough for both of us anyway, and also…” She grew quiet, fiddling with her fingers. “I’m still so scared right now so if you could just, you know, sleep right next to me, that would calm me down a lot, I think…”

Donghyuck had his tongue poking the inside of his cheek, glaring at his ceiling, asking his Lord, why must you test me like this?

“You do know that your boyfriend would kill me if he knows I’m doing this with you, right?”

She winced, smiling sheepishly. “Can’t you just keep it a secret?”

He sighed, making sure that he had the expression that said I’m-so-done-with-all-your-bratty-requests when deep down inside, he was shaking in both excitement and fear of not being able to hold himself back.

“I’m a man too, you know,” Donghyuck grumbled, slipping himself underneath the comforter. He didn’t take off his shirt this time, unlike the other nights when he slept alone. “I could attack you in your sleep.”

“Isn’t that the very reason why we’re keeping the door open?” She giggled, though the tremble from her previous breakdown was still there. “This is actually rather exciting. It’s been years since we slept side-by-side like this. It reminds me of our good old days.”

“Yeah?” He jeered. “Remember what else we do in our good old days? We take baths together.”

“Just shut up and go to sleep.”

Donghyuck slept on his side, facing the other side of the wall while she laid on the bed with her spine pressed against the sheets and her eyes glued to his ceilings. Though she was the one who said those words, it took her forever to fall asleep. “Haechannie?”

“What?”

“You’re still awake?”

“No, this is his voicemail speaking.”

“If you’re too tired to talk, could you sing me a song or something? It’s too quiet and I can’t help remembering that creepy tune she sang every time she showed up.”

“My God, what are you, a kid?”

“You forced me to watch that, so take responsibility for it!”

“Ugh, fine,” he groaned, turning to his back with his eyes locked on his ceilings and then started to hum. She listened to it wholeheartedly, a smile popping up on her face but it didn’t stay long before she realized something.

“Are you singing the theme to Mario Bros?”

“If you even begin to complain, I’m going to kick you off the bed.”

“Right, okay, continue then.”

She listened again, prepared for the same tune, but he changed it at the last second. “I can’t believe you changed it to Spongebob’s now.”

“Jesus fucking Christ, just go to sleep!”

“Okay, geez!” Her smile became permanent on her face. “You just said the F word. Mommy’s gonna be pissed at you tomorrow.”

It ended up with them throwing playful punches and kicks under the duvet and Donghyuck laughed a lot, missing and loving every second of it because this was how they used to be—playing around like kids, messing with each other’s hair and faces. At one point, he began to hover over her, trapping her body between his arms, his knee placed on the small space between her thighs. The pendant of his silver necklace was grazing along her collar bone, making her shiver slightly from the cold.

She was sweating, her bangs sticking to her temple, and she was as breathless as he was, panting for air. It felt like time began to slow for Donghyuck the second his eyes were locked on hers, his surroundings vanishing into a blur. He was so close, too close, that he could feel her breath on his lips, could almost taste the scent of her shampoo on his tongue, and if he could just lean in…

The sound of his name tumbling down her lips in a soft, almost inaudible manner was what stopped him from pressing his lips against hers, and he was thankful because otherwise, he could’ve done it, and then everything would be ruined.

He couldn’t afford that to happen.

“Your breath stinks,” he said instead and pecked her quickly on her forehead. He immediately scrambled to his other side of the bed, shouting, “Go to sleep, you idiot,” as he gave his best effort to pretend he was sleeping.

You were so close, Donghyuck thought, you almost ruined everything. Pull yourself together.

And if I can’t have her, just let me have this moment for the rest of my life.

***

It was the color of ivory, her trench coat was as she wrapped it harshly around her body, all the while fuming in anger. Her phone was buzzing non-stop, alerting her to the new messages that arrived almost at the same time and she knew exactly who they were from.

I still can’t believe you’re choosing him over me to celebrate your birthday. - Haechannie, 09.10

We do this every year, Noona, we PROMISED to always celebrate our birthdays together. - Haechannie, 09.10

And now that you have Na fucking Jaemin giving you sloppy blowjobs as your birthday gift, you suddenly just forget about me?! How fucking ridiculous is that?! - Haechannie, 09.11

Does he even know it’s your birthday today? Did he congratulate you on it like I did? Showing up at your door at midnight, carrying the world’s most gigantic alpaca doll in my arms when it was fucking freezing outside?! Because I sure as hell didn’t see his stupid donkey face! - Haechannie, 09.12

Also, not trying to be an ass about this, but do you even know how hard it is to find a one-meter tall Alpaca doll?! Why can’t you just like teddy bears like everyone else for fuck’s sake. - Haechannie, 09.13

“Oh my God,” she groaned loudly to the air, almost stomping her feet in fury as she texted back, “I’m not ditching you, you selfish idiot! I’ll be back before dinner and then we can spend the rest of the day together so for once in your life, stop sounding like a fucking asshole!” She paused, thinking more words to add before she jabbed her thumbs to her phone screen again. “Also, I didn’t ask you to get me anything so you can take that stupid ugly doll back if you’re going to be a bitch about it because I don’t need it!”

And she pressed send. But before she could catch her breath, another response came by.

Great. Do me a favor, will ya? Don’t show up at dinner. I’m not your fucking backup plan. - Haechannie, 09.15

She was so close to smashing her phone against the wall, but the text coming from her boyfriend, telling her that he was waiting for her downstairs, made her heaved the heaviest sigh she’d ever made, shoved her phone into her purse, and stepped down the stairs with angry clicks of her heels.

The entire birthday date was a disaster for her because Jaemin was discussing something important but she couldn’t decipher a word he said. The look on Donghyuck’s face when she said she had promised Jaemin she’d go on a date with him on her birthday—how shocked and disappointed he was, not to mention furious—was the only thing that she could focus on. She kept replaying it over and over again in her head, until Jaemin took her hand and called, “Noona? Did you hear what I just said?”

And she was so terribly upset that she began to lose control of her mouth. “Don’t call me that. I have someone back home who calls me that a lot and it’s getting annoying.”

“O…kay,” Jaemin awkwardly said, pulling his hand away from hers. “I was just trying to be respectful.”

She threw her head back, sighing loudly in exasperation. “You’re right, sorry. I didn’t mean to take this out on you.” She took a deep breath, waited until she calmed down a little bit before she continued again. “I just had this fight with someone and it keeps bugging me.”

“Let me guess. Is it Lee Donghyuck again?”

She raised her head in surprise, looking at him. “What do you mean again?”

“He’s all you’ve been thinking about, for as long as I remember.”

“Yeah, because he’s like a little brother to me who annoys the hell out of me.” She rubbed her temple, feeling her energy drained. “Well, he’s not actually my brother, but he acts like one—he gets on my nerves, teases me a lot, calls me stupid all the time—”

“Why do I get the feeling that he’s more than just a little brother to you?”

She frowned. “What do you mean? You’re not listening to me—”

“Look, you know what?” Jaemin ran a hand through his hair. “I think it’s best to end this.”

“What?” She nearly dislocated her jaw. “What are you even saying—are you breaking up with me?”

“Well, you’re going to graduate soon and you told me once that you’d probably leave town for college, and with all this Donghyuck thing going on…” Jaemin sighed. “I just don’t see how this is going to work.”

***

It was the color of dark grey, the heavy clouds that hovered above the earth with thunders flashing between them. She stood in front of Donghyuck’s door, fingertips shivering slightly from the cold as she rang his doorbell. The boy came to answer shortly after, his usual gaze quickly turning into a menacing glare at the sight of her. He was about to rave over their previous fight when he noticed how she was all drenched from the rain with tears streaming down her face. She glanced up at him, murmuring his name between sobs, and Donghyuck hastily gathered her in his arms, not caring one bit how the rain seeped almost instantly to the grey Nirvana shirt he was wearing.

“Are you okay?” He attentively asked, cupping her cheek with his lean fingers. He lifted her face, examining every detail of her features, making sure she wasn’t hurt in the slightest. “Did something happen?” His voice suddenly turned gravelly. “Did he do this to you?”

She sniffled, burying her face in his chest. “Jaemin broke up with me.”

“On your fucking birthday?!”

She nodded.

“I’m gonna fucking kill him,” Donghyuck said, almost growling as he embraced her tighter. “I’m gonna keep you company today and make sure you’re okay first, and then I’m going to kill him.”

There was no need for apologies to be exchanged, because Donghyuck already had his arms around her, drying her hair with a towel and lending her his sweater that he knew she loved. His parents weren’t home at the time, so they sat on the kitchen counters, legs dangling a few inches above the porcelain floor with a cup of hot coffee in their hands.

“This is the worst birthday in the history of mankind,” she said, slurping her coffee. “Tell me I’m wrong.”

“Well, there was actually this girl who got murdered on her birthday—”

“Just humor me, will you?” He chuckled and patted her hair. “But to be fair, I don’t think he’s aware it’s my birthday today. He hasn’t said anything, didn’t give me anything. I also never told him, and he…Well, he never asked.”

“And yet, you still went out with him.” He sighed, now tucking a loose strand of her hair to the back of her ear. “I know you’re an idiot, but I didn’t think you were this much of an idiot.”

She grew smaller. “Please be mean to me another day. I’m currently wounded.”

“Right, okay, come here.” He cradled her in his arms, placing his chin on top of her head. “You smell like a wet dog, by the way.”

“Thanks.” She was about to lean more to his touch when his phone began to ring.

“Aren’t you going to answer that?” She questioned when he did nothing about it and when he kept quiet, she broke apart from his embrace, jumped down, and grabbed his phone from the table.

“Unknown number,” she mumbled when his ringtone stopped playing. “Wait, there’s a text.”

“Don’t read it.”

“It said aren’t you coming over.” She raised her eyebrows in question. “Is this your girlfriend?”

He yawned. “A different one.”

“What, that fast? Were you supposed to meet her? Oh my God, I’m so sorry for taking your time, why aren’t you—”

“Rather than saying that,” he took a sip of his coffee, “We should begin our revenge plan on that stupid ex of yours. I mean, I could just straight-up punch him in the face, but you already know his weakness. It’s time to strike, baby.”

She blinked, her puffy eyes soon began to gleam mischievously. “I’ve already planned it all out. Do you wanna hear it in alphabetical order?”

***

It was the color of burgundy, the quilt that covered her body when she suddenly woke up from her dream with a jolt, surprising the man who slept on the floor next to the foot of her bed.

“What happened?” Donghyuck asked, rubbing his eyes away from sleep. “Nightmare?”

Her eyes were wide when she looked back at him, gulping hard before she said, “I just had the dream.”

“What dream?”

“The dream, Hyuck.”

“Wet dream? I thought that was only for boys—”

“No, you’re not listening to me. The dream.” She threw her blanket away, scrambling back to her feet, and kneeled in front of him, taking his hand in hers. “I just met my soulmate.”

Donghyuck almost shuddered. “What?”

“It’s true, Haechannie, it wasn’t just a rumor,” she said, looking at her trembling fingers. “They said the dreams would start sometime after we turned eighteen and I saw it. I saw him. And it felt so weird. It wasn’t like a dream, it was—” Realization befell her eyes. “A memory. You were right, it was a memory—his memory.”

“Okay, wait a sec.” He held up a finger in the air. “What exactly did you see? And talk like a normal person this time.”

She nibbled on her lower lip, deep in her thoughts. “So, you know how when you’re dreaming, you can’t tell if it’s a dream? Like you’re suddenly somewhere, doing something that you can’t remember the beginning of it but it felt normal so you kept doing that, until suddenly you wake up and you start noticing how weird it really was.” Donghyuck nodded, albeit still a little unsure. “Well, this isn’t anything like that. You’re completely aware that it’s a dream—at least, I was. I remember telling myself it was a dream but now I realized it was a memory.”

“My God, you’re taking too long,” he complained. “What exactly did you see? For fuck’s sake, just tell me!”

“I was in a classroom at some school that I’ve never seen before and there was this guy who looked just about my age, sitting on the last row—just right by the window. He had the softest hair, a pair of big, beautiful doe eyes, cute thin lips, broad shoulders—”

“Hold up.” He grimaced. “You’re not talking about me, are you?”

“One of these days, Lee Donghyuck, I’m going to strangle you in your sleep, I swear to God, I will.”

“Right, apparently not then. Please, continue.”

She took another two seconds to throw ice daggers at him with her eyes before she finally started again. “He was scribbling something down on his book. And I tried to talk to him, but he couldn’t hear me. I could hear him, though, and everything else that was going on in the classroom. I could hear him hum a song before he nodded his head, looking like he just figured something out, and then he was writing things down again. I tried to reach out to him, but I couldn’t physically touch him too. I was just a bystander that saw everything—like watching a movie or something.”

“A completely boring movie, if you ask me.”

She rolled her eyes, completely ignoring him. “Then, when I blinked my eyes, I was standing somewhere else. There was this lake, so beautiful, surrounded by mountains—like the entire scenery of it was just breathtaking, and I don’t think that’s in our country so he might have traveled somewhere overseas.”

He snorted. “Sounds like an annoying rich kid.”

“Can you just—” She sighed, calming herself down. “So, I saw him there with a camera in his hands and a guitar case strapped to his back. He was taking some shots of the landscape and, uhh,” she shyly chuckled, “I know it’s too fast for me to say this, but his face when he’s concentrating—“

“Constipating?”

“Concentrating,” she corrected and Donghyuck sent her a kissy face. “The face he made when he was concentrating was so cute.”

“Ugh, enough with the lame commentary.” He yawned, stretching his arms above his head. “Why are you so sure he’s your soulmate? Sounds like just another weird-ass dream to me.”

“I can’t really explain it, but…” Her eyes turned soft, cheeks going a bit rosy. “It feels like I just found something that I didn’t know I lost—something important, something that was a part of me, even. And it just makes me feel whole, you know? It’s weird saying this when I don’t even know his name but… That’s just how I feel. Everything just clicked.”

“Huh…” Donghyuck’s tongue was protruding against the inside of his mouth as he tried to process his thoughts. It suddenly felt like his heart was being cut into several pieces, the moment his reality sank in. He didn’t realize it was that serious. Or at least, he didn’t want it to be that serious.

She squeezed his hand. “You understand how I feel, don’t you, Haechannie?”

He sent her a timid smile before he pulled her body into him, pressing his chest against hers, leaning down to rest his chin on her shoulder. “Yeah,” he muttered softly, his lips grazing the fabric of her sweater. “I get it.” And she giggled, embracing him tighter, thinking that maybe he was just as happy as her.

She didn’t notice the way his fingers slowly curled against the back of her sweater. She didn’t notice how he deliberately pressed his lips against her clothed shoulder as he spoke so he could hide the shivers in his voice. And she didn’t notice how his eyes were shaking in the fear of losing her, how he could barely bear the pain in his chest, how his mind almost made him vomit the words he’d been dreading.

It’s okay. She hasn’t met him yet. Maybe it’s just a dream. It doesn’t mean anything.

God, please don’t let it mean anything.

***

It was a shade of purple, the color she used to paint a lavender in her sketchbook before she drew the rest of the landscape. But before she could finish painting the next thing, she sighed dreamily into the air, closing her drawing book with both hands.

“He’s in a band,” she said as they laid side-by-side on the grass, enjoying the warm sunlight on their faces and the scent of the pine trees in the garden near their homes. “Was. Or still is, I’m not sure.”

And she laughed, she always did whenever she talked about him and although the sound of it used to warm his heart, it made him struggle even more with jealousy. So he just hummed, scrolling down his Instagram feeds to distract him.

Three months had passed by ever since she had that dream, and Donghyuck was conflicted between wanting to know more or hearing none of it for the rest of his life. She had the dream every single night, reliving every single one of her soulmate’s memory—both past and present—every time she closed her eyes, and to him, she seemed more alive when she was about to go to bed, rather than after she woke up.

“I heard him sing once during his band practice when his vocalist had a sore throat. He sounded great but like, a bit hesitant, you know? Like he’s not confident with his voice.” She turned around to her stomach, staring at him with excitement in her eyes and a speck of scarlet painting her cheeks. “Well, he doesn’t sound anything like you, but I still think he’s great.”

“Good to know,” he coldly replied. She seemed to take notice of that.

“I’m sorry, Haechannie,” she said, “I must have bored you to death with all this soulmate talk.”

“Yeah, well, he’s your soulmate, not mine, so I couldn’t care any less.” He could’ve been nicer about it, but then again that wouldn’t be him.

“Well, guess what?” She landed half of her body on his stomach, knocking some of his breath with her weight but he just threw a glare in response and not pushing her away. “Somebody is having his eighteenth birthday in a month. So then, we’ll have your soulmate to talk about too.”

“Yaaay,” he weakly cheered, face flat and ignorant.

She pouted. “Why aren’t you excited about this? You’re gonna be dreaming about your soulmate! I’m excited to know who’s that lucky girl going to be.”

His chest felt heavy and it had nothing to do with the girl on top of him. “Yeah, I guess so.”

“I hope she’s nice and pretty,” she said, smiling genuinely at him. “Because only the most perfect girl in this entire universe can deserve my Haechannie.”

But he didn’t want a perfect girl. He just wanted her, so why was it so impossible to ask?

“Wish I could wish the same for you,” he said, placing his phone on his chest and leaned back on his elbows so he could focus his gaze on hers.

“What do you mean?”

And he switched their positions, rolling their bodies on the grass until she had her spine pressed against the ground with him hovering above her. “H-Haechannie?”

She looked so perfect like this—trapped between his arms, her doe eyes widening in surprise, taking in his sight, her lips parted making a soft gasp of his name.

Ah, I want to make her mine. Why can’t she be mine?

He leaned down, the tip of his nose almost brushing against hers. And if he could just forget everything—their friendship, her future life with her soulmate—for a few seconds and allow himself to be selfish, he would close the gap, meeting her lips with his, bask himself in her warmth, and he would let her moan against his mouth, would caress her cheeks with his fingertips, and would just wish the time to stop so they could repeat that for eternity.

But this reality of his was not that.

This reality of his felt more like a nightmare—one that he could never wake up from.

So in this reality, he brought his lips dangerously close to her ear, and whispered, “I hope your soulmate picks his nose and eats his booger whenever you’re not looking because only then he’d be perfect for you.”

And before she could kick his abs in response, he already scrambled back to his feet, running away as if his life depended on it.

***

It was the color of cerulean blue, the scarf that Donghyuck wore around his neck because he was a bit sensitive to cold even when spring was about to come to an end.

“Let’s go somewhere,” Donghyuck said, adrenaline rushing through his veins. “Anywhere. Just you and me.”

“What, now?” She frowned, looking at the clock on her bedroom wall. It was two hours before midnight—before he turned eighteen. “But it’s late—”

“I don’t care—”

“And it’s freezing outside—”

“I’ll keep you warm.” He was already tugging on her hand, pulling her up to her feet. He wrapped his scarf around her neck and placed his beanie on her head. “I don’t have my gloves but I’ll hold your hand all the way, so no more excuses and let’s go.”

Because it might be his last chance to spend his time with nothing but her presence filling his thoughts. He dreaded the possibility of having that dream sometime after the clock struck twelve. He didn’t want his heart to be taken by someone else—let alone, a stranger. And he knew he wouldn’t dream about her because she had found her soulmate and he was not him.

And if it was true—if having that dream changed his entire perspective where he could only love that one girl for the rest of his life then…

Just let me have this moment with her, where I can still love her with all my heart, even if she doesn’t love me the same way.

“Where are we going?” She demanded as they broke past the front door as quietly as they could since her parents were sleeping in their room.

“I don’t know—I don’t care—I just—” He breathed into the night air, puffs of warm breath painting the space between them. “Anywhere is fine. I just want to be with you.”

He saw her cheeks turning scarlet but he didn’t hope for too much. It was probably just the cold playing tricks on him.

“Okay, well then,” She tightened her duffle coat around her body. “Lead the way.”

He smiled, feeling blessed for having her putting so much faith in him, even after all this time.

There weren’t many places open at that hour, and it was fine because they already felt content just from walking side-by-side under the cherry blossoms that had withered all of their flowers. The way she held his hand reminded him of their younger days, both gentle and somewhat protective—like a sister to a younger brother and it made him feel both joy and sadness because he wanted to intertwine their fingers together as lovers, embrace each other under the dim glow of the streetlight, and connect their lips together while whispering loving words between chaste kisses.

“Haechannie,” she said, snapping him out of his reverie as she stopped them both in their tracks. “Happy birthday.”

Donghyuck blinked, not realizing how two hours just passed in an instant. “I’m as old as you, already?” He sneered. “I feel so gross.”

But she didn’t laugh the way he thought she would. Instead, she was looking at him with a glint of loneliness in her eyes which made him wonder why. “I bought you something.” She rummaged her coat’s pocket before she showed a little black box the size of her palm with a red bow wrapped around it.

Donghyuck faked a gasp. “No way, you’re proposing to me? But honey, I’m already carrying your child!”

She stomped her feet on his. “Shut up and just be serious for a sec, will ya?”

“Okay, okay, I’m sorry.” He chuckled but he could hear how nervous he actually was from the little crack in his voice. He took the little present with a shy, slightly awkward smile. “Can I open it now?”

“Sure, as long as you don’t mock me for it.”

He furrowed his eyebrows at her before he opened the box to find a silver oval locket necklace displayed inside it. He glanced at her. “Don’t tell me you have a picture of us taking our bath together as babies in it.”

“Interesting, but no. I did have something written on it, though.”

“Okay, but if you wrote something stupid, I will—” He froze, hands stopping mid-air after he opened the locket and read the words engraved on the silver plate.

To my first love, Lee Donghyuck.

“Okay, before you say anything,” she cut him off, fidgeting a little on her feet. “Let me explain about it first. I don’t want to come out as weird or anything because after this, we’re both going to find our soulmates and go our separate ways so let me assure you that I’m not saying I love you that way, but—”

He pulled her into his chest, wrapping both of his arms around her shoulders, his lips pressing against her hair.

“Haechannie—”

“Shut up,” he said, closing his eyes as he calmed his racing heart. “Just shut up and let me have this moment.”

She wasn’t sure whether he got her previous message but she no longer cared, because at the end of the day, he was her first love in every way—as a family, a brother, a friend, and even a lover once, though she never allowed herself to think about him like that. So she tangled her arms around his waist, burying her face in his chest, and closed her eyes for as long as he would let her.

Donghyuck wanted this moment to last forever but he knew time was running out even if he tried to stand still. It would be over the second he had that dream and fell in love with someone else. It would end the day she’d meet her soulmate, treating his existence merely as a bystander in her love story.

But for now… Just for now…

“I love you,” Donghyuck whispered so softly against her hair, almost inaudible by the sound of the wind passing through their ears. “I love you, Noona. So much that it hurts.”

She chuckled, embracing him tighter. “I love you too, Haechannie.”

Then why does this feel like a goodbye?

He pulled back, pressing his temple against hers. “There’s no life without you,” he said, a shy smile forming on his lips.

She cupped his cheek, rubbing comforting circles on his skin. “There’s no life without you, Haechannie.”

***

“So, umm, thanks for today,” Donghyuck said, as he walked her back to her house, rubbing his nape awkwardly as he said it. “And thanks for the gift. I’ll treasure it.”

“You better.” She playfully punched his arm. “It was pretty expensive, just so you know.”

“More expensive than a one-meter tall made-by-order alpaca doll I bought you?”

“Sorry, I’ll take that back.” She winced, and Donghyuck chuckled a little bit under his breath, patting her head and letting his fingers linger a little longer than usual on the soft strands of her hair.

“Well…” He retracted his hand, placing them in his coat’s pocket. “Good night.”

“See you tomorrow.” And she leaned in to kiss him on the cheek at the same time he was about to do the same and their lips grazed each other, soft lips meeting softer ones in the faintest of touch but carved something deep both in their bodies and minds.

They both took a step back at the same time, startled. He was busy looking anywhere but her face, and she concealed her lips with her fingers, bringing her head down to hide her eyes underneath her bangs.

There was a silence that made his skin crawl. “S-sorry, I was—”

“No, it’s okay, I get it,” she immediately said, forcing a smile before she hastily turned on her heels, her shaky fingers searching for her doorknob. “I’ll see you tomorrow?”

Donghyuck still had trouble breathing. “Y-yeah, sure.”

She timidly smiled again before she stepped inside and closed the door behind her.

Now that they were both out of each other’s sight, Donghyuck inaudibly cursed into the air, running a hand through his hair, feeling his heart ramming against his ribcages while she slid down to the floor, hugging her knees to her chest and pressed her spine against the back of her front door.

The thought of their brief, accidental kiss was the only thing that painted their minds even behind their closed eyelids as they laid on their beds, hoping for exhaustion to take over their bodies. Once it did, they both fall into a soundless sleep where she began to think about another pair of lips but it wasn’t the case for Donghyuck.

Because, as he fell into his first soulmate dream, he was facing the same person—the girl who owned his heart, whose lips were just as soft as he’d imagined them to be.

Noona, he spoke inside the dream, staring at the sight of her, why am I dreaming about you?

***

[xo-alie-xo]

PORTWELL LONG GAME OR RINA SLOWBURN.

You can only choose one poison.🍷

Listen up my Wildcats.🐱

We all ship each character with happiness. No matter how much you love to hate them, a majority of us simply adores the characters and want the best for them. Then comes relationships and it's okay to ship our favorites.⛴

I'm a diehard Rina shipper and I know in my heart that they are series endgame. The set up, the natural chemistry, their mutual understanding, the surprises and angst literally put me on chokehold. So I'm 100% a Rina shipper till the end. I'm here for the slowburn and their development rather than one shots. They are worth the pain. 😭❤

Let me start with Ricky Bowen now.

Ricky shouldn't to be with Gina because he's hurting her mentality. He's not insensitive on purpose. Like when he tried to stop Big Red from telling her his message to Nina because he KNOWS it'll hurt her.

If you think, that Ricky didn't understand clearly when Gina confessed, think again. He shushed her. Kept their thing a secret from everyone. He knows he feels some type of way and she feels something too. But this boy is so used to safeguarding his childhood norms and has very little adaptability. Hence, he pretended to ignore everything between them because his home stability was falling apart and he clinged on to Nina, his constant childhood love.

He's a traumatised 16-17 year old boy that needs to heal and grow. This episode was heartbreaking because he had to accept that he had to let Nina go because their once upon a time fairytale had become toxic.

People change. I'm not the same person I was when I was 16 lmao. Being together as childhood lovers means growing together and accepting each other's growth. Which Ricky couldn't. He clutched to the idea of Nini. Even his love confession. It was sooo sweet but all he did was focus on their history.

This boy needs time to heal and maybe seek professional therapy. It would be so DAMN HISTORIC if Disney decides to take psychological issues seriously and show how he's dealing with his anxiety, pills and psychotherapy. He needs to breathe before he can be with any girl for that matter. He's hurting and isn't trying to hurt anyone on purpose. Including Gina.

Him asking her for advice on Nini was a dumb, insensitive move. But he's trying to find a way to build some supportive friendship that they shared in early season one.

As for now, this boy needs to get his own grip on life and heal.

As for our Queen Gina

In Gina's confession, she focuses on their future. She basically said, "I wouldn't quit on a possible future of us being together despite obstacles. Because I never quit. But moving away isn't in my control." Ricky deep down knows this, encouraged her to say it, teary eyed, despite right after getting back together with Nini. Gina is his future. She went to his new house. And I also have this feeling that when she was given a chance to stay, she stayed partly because of Ricky. She left a chance to be with her mom because she prioritised their relationship. Because she never quits. 💪🏼

But she came back and found out Ricky has gotten back together with Nini.😭 What she doesn't know is Ricky got together with Nina before her confession, and after Gina kept dodging his messages. She's hurt and questions why she returned because she isn't particularly close to anyone. Hence, she was so silent at the after party. She thinks it'll be fine, "she'll live", and finds other reasons to find permanence. Her arc this season has been settling down in East High, despite the pain of losing and being 'betrayed' by Ricky, she finds other reasons to stay. 🏡

This kind of contrasts her with Nina. Nina left her dream school and came to Salt Lake because she missed her established home, and not just because of Ricky. Nina returned and was loved and embraced by Ricky Bowen.💕 Gina came back to a semi new place called Salt Lake because of her promise of a future to Ricky. But she got stabbed and she bled. 💔🗡

Think about her situation. She feels confused, alone, heartbroken, out of place and seperated from her mom. She's broken and hurting too. And she doesn't need more from Ricky's accidental or intentional 'sick burns'. That's the one line where he was such a jerk and I can't defend him here. 😠

Here comes the Caswells.

Her second family. A place of healthy stability. A home that accepted her. Ashlyn, her roomie and her confidante. EJ, the misunderstood boy who saw her value and bought her plane ticket.

Let's get to EJ.

At first, I wasn't too keen on seeing Portwell's development. But then that video chat where they talk about the possibility of her staying and him convincing her. Had me sold for a solid brother-sister relationship. Few episodes later, when Gina's pain seemed to be oblivious to everyone, he was the only one who asked her how she was, and saw her glow. The comfort she must've felt.

Not that she needs a man's validation, but she must be feeling like a second choice and feeling a little insecure because of Ricky. But EJ lifts her up and I genuinely saw her smile. This boy has her back whenever. The man she can lean on and truly sees how special she is. She no longer feels alone now that she has his entire fam and other friends. She genuinely feels a place of belonging and happiness when she's the apple of his eye. Notice how happy she is? How happy this boy is? She's going through her own issues and she has found ground with EJ.

I was very doubtful when they started hinting at a romantic direction. Because EJ would be used as plot device again for a girl to get to Ricky.😤 This man doesn't deserve to be second best to anyone, just like Gina.😑 That's why I'm still hesitant on shipping them at least temporarily. EJ needs to be something even more special to Gina. They need to show each other how special and treasured they are to each other despite feeling like rejects. They are each other's source of comfort.

I'm sure they can keep EJ at East High for the next season. Whether it's the drama club, or the AV club or going to a local college. So he will be there for Gina. I don't know how they can work out a relationship with much distance as Rini's fell out when she moved away. So, if EJ leaves again, it'll again shake up Gina. Her being worried whether he'll date college girls, second thoughts, etc. I don't want them to go through that. And if they do move on to romantic Portwell, make sure it's not plot device for Rina. So you can either have Portwell endgame or Rina Endgame.

Basically I want Gina to be treated so right that she understands she doesn't need Ricky. And when he does ask her out, and he makes her feel like a second choice or a rebound, she says NO. Because EJ has helped regain her self assurance. Eventually I want Gina to confide in EJ about her and Ricky. EJ is jealous but also angry about how Ricky has been hurting her. And becomes damn protective of his 'babe'. Ricky gets jealous of their relationship, restarting Ricky and EJ's old rivalry. But this time, it's not because Gina is his girlfriend, but because she's EJ's best friend who he has a crush on and wants what's best for her.

If it's meant to be Rina endgame

EJ- RICKY, YOU IDIOT! You have no clue how to treat her right. You don't put her first. You mislead her. Get the hell away from her! She's too powerful and beautiful, she doesn't deserve your scraps. I know how she feels for you. I wish I were you. I would treat her like a queen. I don't mind even waiting years till she's ready. She deserves that. You're so lucky you have even a small chance that I may never have. So get your act together, prove you're worth it to win her over. All I want is for her to be happy. Even if it's with someone else. And maybe then I'll stop threatening you to stay away from her.😠

Ricky- .....I don't know what I'm more scared of. Change, or losing the girl I fell for or YOU. Okay, losing her but you're a close second.😬

If it's Portwell endgame.

Ricky- I messed up. Make sure you don't mess up with her. You'll regret it forever.

EJ- I'd rather get hit by thousand basketballs than ever hurt her. I'll be her plus one and her best friend until she's ready to be with me. I know she's ready now too. But I want her to know I'm willing to wait till she graduates before we make it official. I'm in it for the long game.

As for their age gap. I'm 100% sure Portwell won't kiss this season. If they do, it'll be next when Sofia turns 18. They are professional actors who are cast because they are the perfect fit for the role and are expected to carry out the storyline. But I suppose fearing some outbursts, they might delay Sofia kissing anyone till next season. It's so weird because Olivia was maybe 17 when Matt was 21-22 when they kissed in season one. But no one had a problem with that. But for this, they do. Remember, they are professional actors. They are acting! Sometimes, actors are over 10 years apart (but above 18) and act as romantic partners.

As for their characters, they are only two years apart. That's hardly any difference once you're over the age of 18. Age of consent is 16. But adults above 18 are only allowed to have sex with adults above 18. So, age isn't a problem here because EJ is a gentleman and is genuinely interested in her and isn't trying to get in her pants. So age isn't the issue when it comes to dating. It's the maturity. Gina is very mature and gives very sound advice. But I can see EJ being patient enough till she turns 18 just to kiss her because he loves her. 😚

As for the Ashlyn remark, "You look like a kid to me rn". He was JOKING.😂 Don't take things out of context. I tell my cousin sister that all the time. But she's three years younger than me and a grown adult. I don't see her as a kid but it's just a cousin teasing her younger cousin that's she's a little immature. I'm Matt's age and I'm very mature for my age and since I was a teenager, I always matched up with boys a little older than me. Now that I'm in my early 20s, I've dated boys even close to 30. So age is just a number.

EJ dating Gina and giving her quick kisses is fine. But to have a strong sexual element in their relationship (including making out), he'll have to wait till she's 18+. And I'm sure for that he'll wait till she's ready even past her early 20s. Age is really just a number and we can't help who we fall in love with. Trust me, I've been there.😂 So I can see EJ feeling conflicted about his feelings that are clear at this point.

They might not be a perfect fit, but they make each other sooo happy. They deserve a lot more than a short lived fling.😟 They are either endgame or Rina is. You can't have both as a Rina unless you're an EJ hater who wants him to exist as plot device. Nope! He's sooo much more precious than that.

But Jack on the other hand....I'm okay if he's the one to make Ricky or EJ jealous. Because he's just been introduced and it's okay if a character is used, but only once, for someone else to realize their feelings. 💁🏽‍♀️

In short.

Ricky needs help and needs to be on his own. No girlfriends allowed.🙅🏽‍♀️🚫

Needs to give both Gina and Nina space for them to grow on their own too.🌳

Ricky needs to understand the core of his problems and become more adaptable via therapy. Maybe the psychologist will point out his unresolved feelings for Gina, or he will conclude it himself. And in comes Ricky-pining-for-Gina season three.

Ricky needs to fully get over Nina before he moves on to anyone. Same for Gina if Portwell were to happen. No one deserves to be second choice.

Gina isn't Ricky's cushion. She's a living person with strong feelings for him and shouldn't be subjected to share his pain. She already struggles with her own issues.

Ricky needs to stay single till he wins back Gina and prove he's worth it. He needs to show even if another girl wants him, he'll never quit on Gina ever again. Even if he has to watch her be with someone else. *cough parallels*.

It's either romantic Rina then Portwell endgame OR Portwell flirty besties but Rina endgame. You and I can choose only one because my boy EJ shouldn't be used as plot device for a girl to leave for Ricky ever again.

Portwell's age difference can be practically solved and isn't much of an issue unless they get hot and heavy before Gina turns 18 which is impossible considering this is Disney. 🤣🤣

Jack and Gina will be plot device material and purely so sentimental to us OG Andi Mack fans. More than any ship, this is what I'm looking for. Sort of an Andi Mack crack ship for season 3a. It's gonna be soooo funny. 😍😂

I respect everyone's ship. I see what you're seeing. And I'm not going to invalidate your ship. But unless it's done right, I won't jump from the Rina ship. I liked Rini. I like Portwell. I like AU Juffy crackship haha.😂 But as for me, I'm still holding on to Rina slowburn.

Preparing myself for the pain. 😭🔥

(But if I had to pair two characters without Disney getting in the way, it would be Gini. The power duo. Undeniable chemistry. They can be written so well because of their layered relationship and contrasting personalities.🤩 The classic rivals to friends to lovers. But that's a talk for another day lmao.)

Thanks for reading my opinion, Wildcat!🐱❤

[papers4me]

Fruits Basket, Se3, ep11 (part 1)

Breaking toxic bonds & accepting healthy ones isn’t a miracle. A bond that started with love could end up chained & toxic, another that started wrong could’ve become the joy of a life time. You can do it. Break the cycle of abuse & stand up for yourself, it is easy yet so difficult, you aren’t alone, tho, loved ones stand nearby cheering. Be kind on yourself, otherwise you’ll throw your life away. Life isn’t just happiness & joy, it’s also sadness & loneliness. Break free from the shackles that held you down. Embrace life & Live.

-Tohru’s “ I’m okay” mask is finally shattered! (the Importance of kyo’s rejection for her development):

This is the last part of tohru’s character development! The last few eps were abt her role in Akito’s redemption & their similarities. she staood up for herself & choose a path away from her mom while keeping her mom’s memory in a healthy manner. No more planning my life according to mom’s wishes, no more talking to mom ‘s picture 24/7. Now, I’ll plan my life & move forward even if it is with the guy mom said she cant forgive. even If it is without him, I’ll move forward. I love him so much, yet I won’t force our bond & let go. So easy yet so difficult!. tohru doesnt know anything abt kyo after her fall. All she remembers is his heart-broken face as he wept beside her. Those tears on his face, she caused them. He cried cuz it is too painful to see her hurt. She was a burden to him! tohru restored to her old coping mechanism of pretending “ i’m Okay” & smiling. She did so numerous times before. Always worked. No one noticed. Except him. Se02, ep7. he urged her to show her true fears. Now, she’s faced with a pain so big she can’t pretend no more. the pain of loosing him. She cried in front of yuki! The smile & chatting abt chores couldn’t conceal the running tears! Yuki’s first time seeing her like that. Se01, ep14, yuki wondered how could tohru smile after her mom’s death. She can’t pretend no more! She’ll have to wear her feelings on her sleeve! cuz it IS ok to do so! She tells kyo to give her a moment to compose herself. She couldn’t lie & pretend like she did with yuki. Here she either run away or just try to compose myself! I LOVE THAT! This way, whenever kyo/tohru fight or have any misunderstanding in the future as a couple, you’ll know tohru won’t just bear it & pretend, “ i;m okay” No! she’ll talk to kyo & express herself! I LOVE THIS SO MUCH! It gives her so much strength as a human & I’m happy all the obstacles & set backs in kyo/tohru’s romantic journey has led them to be better ppl little by little to build healthier & more realistic love! 

-The mechanics of writing a compelling slow-burn romance:

1. Igniting the romantic feelings slowly: Slow burns don’t work with love at 1st sight. It must first sparkle naturally, slowly & subtly. Both kyo & tohru repeatedly stated they don’t know exactly when they first fell in love. The author’s decision to create an environment where the two live together is a genius way to start & nurture their romance quietly & subtly. Kyo was tricked to stay in shigure’s house while tohru had to stay cuz she had no home, Natural reasons that force the two to spend days together & get to know each other gradually.

2. Dynamics of their personalities: For slow burns to work, the two characters need to be similar yet opposites! Kyo & tohru are both kind, endearing, innocent, good at chores, independent & hardworking. They both have history with their mothers that is filled with love yet traumas. However, tohru is calm yet prefer maneuvering around subjects, can’t stand up for herself, reads ppl easily, tends to trust ppl easily & disregard herself. Kyo is fierce, strong, tends to distrust ppl, despite ppl loving his spontaneous character, he has hard time figuring out if they’re mocking him or teasing him, very straightforward with his words & actions. The similarities helps them understand each other, however, the differences creates chances to clash & come even closer thro various situation. Ex, se01, ep2, kyo apologizing for hitting her head with the table which created the situation where she needed to confess she always loved the cat zodiac! It is HER gush of emotions that struck kyo. ppl really want my friendship? the cat is loved? Thro those difference they learned to better themselves so they won’t hurt the other, kyo toning down his anger for her, tohru desiring to know him even more as he becomes even more awkward.

3. Creating natural, realistic  & convincing obstacles that prevents them from being together:  This is the most important part! Slow-burn is two characters in love & cant be together despite everyone wanting them to be! if the reason that stops them from uniting is trivial, stupid, one-sided, can easily be solved, then the slow-burn would be a fillery & no one would cheer for it! Takaya-san is a genius!

Kyo can’t be with tohru cuz he thinks (a) he killed her mom! we saw thr flashback, he could’ve saved her & couldn’t save her. It was a split of a second difference & he hates himsef for NOT trying! that split of a second also prevented from thinking of better ways to save her than holding her! it happened to fast, he couldn't think of a better alternative cuz this was his 2nd time loosing someone (b) his mom’s sucide being pinned as his fault created this immense guilt & defeated feeling that “ no matter what, I just cause death & misery! There’s (c) too!, he knew tohru! thinks she deserves the world & cuz he didnt save her mom, he watched tohru talk to a freaking picture for two years! heck! he is the only one who can see thro tohru’s “ i;m okay” mask, so in se01, ep 14 in the grave yard! kyo wasnt the only one who is sad! tohru was too! & kyo could tell! (d) her mom’s death is the reason tohru is accepting shigure’s offer to stay with them rent-free in exchange of doing housework! (e)? he saw her confess crying her heart out abt missing her mom so much that she imitated her dad! so tragicly sad! (f) he saw her die in his nightmare!! how can he accept her love,now? Perfectly orchestrated obstacles! 

Tohru, unfortunately, in the anime it wasn't that clear due to shortening her backstories & trauma in se03, ep6. But she too couldn’t see herself confessing love to kyo. Tohru is has low self-esteem, always thinks she’s a burden to others, an orphan who just wants her mom, so scared, lonely & sad! we the audience believed the mask! we saw her work her motherly charm yuki, isusuz, kisa & believe her issues are not that deep.  tohru wont cry for herself but shed rivers for others! grief is so ugly it broke her! I cant let go of mom, must keep her always in my heart, such a hard emotions to write & I believe 100% the director couldn’t understand her grief & decided to split ep6 between her, kyo, isuzu & shigure. But Tohru struggling to confess to kyo is no laughing matter. ppl who are grieving find it the hardest to live after the loved ones die. they wont mostly commit suicide, they are alive, but they arent living. they just go thro the motions & live for the sake of those around them but not themselves. Tohru deciding to confess to kyo is her deciding to live for herself.

4. Writing a perfect psychologically & emotionally packed climax: I dont need to explain how perfect kyo’s rejection of tohru in se03 ep9 was. How much we felt for him yet were mad at him. He we were “ ugh! kyo no!!!! I mean I get why you do that , but you idiot no! come back! poor kyo! He was just so sad & broken! OMG he’ll kill himself after finding tohru’s injured body!! he totally would! his nightmare came true! But Tohru reached him! she wanted him to be okay! he wont kill himself but still feels hella guilty! but so utterly in love with her that his instinct upon seeing her come to life after near death is kiss her! Perfect display of psychology & emotions! filled with right, wrong, sad, happy, guilty, innocent! basically so human~ As the audience you MUST have this mixture of feelings of wanting to hug him so bad cuz this boy has been killing himself for years now yet want him to stop & just see that he was a good boy afterall. Tohru is THE best girl & if the audience are cheering for kyo to be with her, kyo really deserves her! The only problem is for kyo to see that now.

5. The Perfect wrap up of all romance: If you make your audience suffer the slow-burn this long, you gotta reward them good! & Takaya-san delivered! Just like how the entire romantic story is realistic, the reunion must be as realistic too! Tohru is hurt by kyo;s words. Facts remain his words were hurtful to her. I love that was addressed! tohru gets to tell her side, too! If you love someone, you are bound to be hurt by them as much as be happy with them. Simply cuz they matter so much to you! you arent one person, but two ppl coming together. Kyo must work hard for this confession. Must run & chase her. Must earn her proper! He gets on his knees, I cant express how important that is! he is way taller than her, Imagine apologizing while she looks way up & he looks down? He gets on his knees & apologize like a man, for every mistake, all while not loathing himself. He aint going back to that deep abyss again. He did wrong by her & he is owning up to his mistakes. Give me one chance. I’m not gonna force you with persistence or guilt you into taking me. Give me ONE chance cuz i deserve it & no more. The choice is yours. She asks to confirm, he shows her, they kiss, they hug, they are rewarded with a blessing from the heavens! One of the most simple yet emotionally fulfilling confessions in anime!

- Hugs over kisses: (And her kiss hugs her & the curse was lifted):

Prince charming kisses the princess & she wakes up~ they live ever after~ except furuba is all abt “ eternal ever after is not true, real life is where the real love is”

Kyo kissed tohru once, she didnt wake up, she didnt even think he loved her back. didnt even remember the kiss.

Kyo hugged tohru once. se01, e024, He initiated it, tohru was all in tears, surprised, happy & so utterly in love. he called her name for the first time ever, for a brief moment, they both connected, they both comforted each other. The rain stopped, he became a man not a monster, she got him back. She got her kyo that she fought for with none other than kyo himself.

kyo hugged her again, se03, ep6. They both initiated it. He made the first move, pulling her just a little closer, she made the second move & hugged him hard, he transformed, it was a moment were they both connected, both so sad & broken, both feeling needy for the other, both desperate for the other, both just living the moment. the result is them coming closer, her wanting him more, him realizing her love, there is no escape. Admit it. she loves you. You can tell.

Kyo hugs her again today. He asks permission. No spur of the moment feeling. But a long lasting permission to be together. To hug. He wants to hear her acceptance of his cursed body. “ is ok to hug you? this body will cause you pain as it wont be able to fulfill your wishes of constant hugs & intimacy”. She responds, permission granted, for love, for hugs, for a life long acceptance of you as a whole. weakness & strength, sadness & happiness. I accept you all in better & worse! we’re invincible. Why? cuz we understand love isnt magic. It is a path for us to walk together~~~ reward curse break!

Every time kyoru are closer it is a hug. The one thing the zodiacs cant do. A hug. They can kiss. But cant hug. comes this Zodiac Ruler girl so lonely, away from ppl, so sad, meets a cat boy who comes to the house she’s living in, a house away from ppl, the boy is drawn to the girl, However, when the boy needed to leave, the girl was able to let go despite loving him, the boy comes again, this time wanting to stay, the girl accepts the boy. They both accept the realistic reality of life. Embrace the obstacles & the achievements, celebrates the weakness above the strength. Both so imperfect. Both so endearingly dumb! that’s why the girl’s hug broke the boy’s curse. The girl’s acceptance of the cat broke all curses.

Side Note:

Kyo’s confession is so kyo! so straightforward, so direct, & so physical. He’s on his knees, holding her hands, looking at her eyes. “ i want to be WITH you. If I’m gona live, I want to to do it with you & no one else! cuz I love you” that’s it. That’s all.  So sincere & so romantic!

it is crazy how different tohru & kyo are now after the confession! she stood confidently & happily & said “dont you know, I love you!” all while teasing him, her giggle is so girlish & cute! my girl is a happy woman in love! long buried the angelic mother image of se02! YES! also, kyo’s happy face is love! Dude! when was the last time he smiled so freely? Did he ever do that? He smiled in se01, ep4 with kazmua, but not like this! T_T. my son is healing~

Kyo’s “ i wont ever feel afraid if you’re with me” is a huge growth from his “ I want to protect her” mindset. Now he realizes it is two-sided mutual desire. She gives him strength as much as he does! <3

I dont like open eye while kissing, but here it is so perfect for tohru in this moment! cuz she spent days thinking kyo rejected her & even ran away as soon as she saw him, now he’s not only confessing, apologizing, admitting she is his life, but also kissing her signaling they’re romantic couple. kissing on lips is so personal, what more evidence she needs? still, her thoughts? “ it’s like a dream?” aww~~~ tohru~~~ my precious girl! she just cant believe all her suffering is over, now? She was just practicing “ i’m okay” smile & now she’s an official girlfriend to the man of her dreams? He just bent da kneeee~ go for it queen!

yuki’s face when tohru cried is exactly what I meant of “ allowing yuki to have strong facial expressions”! XD these types of faces humanize yuki so much into the teenage boy he is! Unfortunately the anime team only sees him as the pretty prince in most times. That’s why fave yuki is when he’s with kakeru. He becomes so un-princly as he should be.

Speaking of yuki, I see you anime team~ postponing his moment into next ep so him & machi wont be overshadowed by the long awaited kyoru!! While this defies the perfection of all cursed zodiacs breaking on the same ep making akito’s breakdown less perfect & poetic, I take it as the anime team admitting they underdeveloped yuchi & decided let’s give them more screen time & not putting them in close distance from any couple. A week later ep is enough with lots of time. I dont mind at all, I’m just saying more time after/while confession is not what i was hoping for~~ sigh~ At least I hope yuki would say sth along the lines” all this time I was looking at you, i realized i love you” to imply he was thinking of her as a lover not his kindness for someone he helped. I just dont want their love to be sudden simply cuz yuki needs happy ending. oh well~ I’m sure whatever it will be, the anime will give it utmost attention.

That sad moment when kagura wasnt allowed a moving image. lol. girl was given a still image that didnt even move with the breeze! T_T

Not gonna lie... the scene with kazuma & kyo was underwhelming. Why the wide shot? I mean you dont need budget for that. Just give me a closeup from the waist up with kyo head buried in kazuma’s chest. Dont need to waste budget on kazuma’s face, either.... do the old trick of hair covering eyes & show me glittery tears~  why the awkward shot of kazma towering in his own house! how tall is this man & why cant he he fix his roof?...lol

Also, shigure, you got scars man... who can hurt shigure? akito? gotta be her. I dont think hatori scratches...lol.. Aya? nah~ too busy with Mine! yup, akito... another steamy night? could be, she’s changed as he wish now. But scratching a face is weird while..um..kissing? a quarrel? but why? I bet she wants him now & we know he wants her....

More on part 2! especially abt the curse’s lore~

[filmwuju]

[TRANS] Character Introduction: People around Seongyeom & Mijoo

Ki Jeongdo | Yook Jiwoo | Ki Eunbi | Kim Wooshik | Kwon Young-il | Kim Hyunjin | Park May

Ki Jeongdo (Male, late 50s) Seongyeom's father / Four-term assemblyman

A politician who was an athlete. Back then, he was renowned as the nation's thief for snatching actress Yook Jiwoo, who was the nation's first love, at the prime of her youth. Rising to fame, he threw his hat into the political ring, as if he was waiting for this. Him moving into his wife's family home as a live-in son-in-law was also for the campaign fund.

Managing a family that can be recognized by citizens during elections was also Jeongdo's long time plan. As a man, Jiwoo was his trophy; and being the father of siblings who are national athletes, he was able to bear national sentiment. Seongyeom's home becoming a show window family was entirely Jeongdo's volition. Family means gathering together when needed and taking a harmonious photo, that's it. Just one is hard enough already, how incredible is it to raise two national representatives of South Korea? He regards fatherly love as an instinct, and thinks what he's doing to his children is true love. Not knowing that for the person receiving the unwanted love, that love can become violence.

He has always been privileged with vested rights, and since he's in the upper class, he always lived with pride. He has never doubted his capability of going higher, higher up. Most politicians are likewise, their final goal is running for the presidential election. And since they're running, naturally, they want to win. But Seongyeom, who used to be an obedient chess piece, keeps causing trouble. So he's contemplating on how to quash him.

Yook Jiwoo (Female, late 50s) Seongyeom's mother / Actress

A top actress hailed as the nation's first love. If there's Suzy in the 2000s, there was Yook Jiwoo in the 1980s. During the early days of her career, she went by the stage name Jiwoo, without the Yook, because her last name comes off as stubborn. This was her agency's policy. Later, Jiwoo saw her name on a movie poster and threw a huge fit. Since then, she goes by her full name that sounds stubborn for a "female" actor.

She's a perfect actress named as the Queen of Cannes; but she's a born actress who, in pursuit of her career, is far from even the letter M in the word "mother", much less be an excellent one.

Ki Eunbi (Female, 30) Seongyeom's sister / Pro golfer

She doesn't know how to love in an ordinary way, because she's never lived an ordinary life. The world's number one female golfer. With that title alone,  men—regardless of their skin color—approached her, not knowing how Eunbi is like after falling in love. There are no exceptions—whether they have a strong build, or got a straightforward personality. By the time they realize how scary Ki Eunbi is not as the queen of golf, but as a lover, it's already too late—so accept your fate. Once she takes a bite, she does not let go until she gets sick of it. There's no place to escape unless you go to the edge of the world.

Of course there's an exception. When their love for her dies down, she lets go without hesitation. It was always easier to figure out separation than love. The same goes for her family. The time she spent with them in her whole life wouldn't amount to even one year because of her trips abroad. They always separated the moment they met, and she felt worried at the thought of Seongyeom, who would be alone in the huge house. My poor little brother. Their father, who likes to rank, compares them frequently; the media, who likes to chatter, bashes him regularly. My little brother Seongyeom. Seongyeom, whose sin is getting born as my little brother.

Of course she worked hard, but Eunbi's talent played a bigger part. Her sense of distance is more outstanding than others, and she's exceptional in controlling her strength. They said the only thing left for a first placer to do is to fall downwards, but Eunbi didn't know how to fall. If she didn't have talent, would it be a different story? While having these thoughts, she saw Seongyeom and thought, hmm.. it would be stressful to have no talent.

She's even sick of the first place now. Feeling bored, she was thinking whether she should retire and rest a bit, but her beloved little brother caused big trouble. What can I do? My little brother wants to do it. It's an older sister's duty to act as his shield, and I won't die from doing it for a few years more—so just for a bit longer, I'd have to stay in the first place for him.

Kim Wooshik (Male, 20) National track and field athlete

He lost his parents at a young age and was raised by his grandmother. Unlike someone his age, he believes in superstitions. But rather than saying he believes in them, it's more like he's familiar about life and is treated as a precocious child. His self-sufficient grandmother clothed him in cleanly washed clothes even though they're old, and did everything she can so that Wooshik can grow up as a bright and optimistic person. Wooshik, who grew up just like how she raised him to be, was perfectly kind and honest. He wasn't good at studying but he was smart; his hands were slow but his feet were fast. Naturally, Wooshik chose track and field. It was also a sport that he could do even with no money. He fell in love at first sight after watching Seongyeom's race, ran all the way with Seongyeom as his goal, and became a national athlete. It's his wish to run a relay race in the same competition with Seongyeom before the latter retires. No records or competition, just as Ki Seongyeom and Kim Wooshik.

He once saw a passage that said forgiveness is the biggest revenge. That's like saying the powerless can't do anything but to forgive. Ever since his days in  sports high school, he experienced countless assaults and abuse under the force of power. And you say that's the biggest revenge? It was a day when he got beaten by his seniors as usual. He roughly wiped the blood from his nose using his sleeves. The superstitions Wooshik believed in were of no help at all in the face of reality. The one who offered Wooshik practical help was Seongyeom. He told him that forgiving is the victim's right. He told him that he doesn't need to forgive if he doesn't want to. As the only person who told him that, how could Wooshik not admire him.

Kwon Young-il (Male, 29) National track and field athlete

South Korea's track and field record holder. As the best sprinter, he lives up to his reputation of South Korea's No.1 track and field athlete who receives unconditional support from track and field fans. He's a narcissist who cares about nothing but himself, but takes an interest only in Seongyeom. It's because he's jealous.  Whenever he's free, he picks a quarrel with the forever runner-up Seongyeom and ends up saying foolish words. I'm the real first placer, but why does it feel like I'm being pushed back by Ki Seongyeom every single time?

But still, as Seongyeom's long-time colleague, and as a sportsman, he's a friend who supports Seongyeom for the path he's going.

Kim Hyunjin (Male, early 40s) Assemblyman Ki Jeongdo's aide

Would there be another expression that puts a limit on Hyunjin as much as the phrase "aide by nature" does? However, he is a capable aide—to the level that everyone would agree in unison—who grasps everything about the Ki family, including Assemblyman Ki himself. He's machine-like, making one wonder if his heart is made of steel; he does not feel things like conscience and warmth.

Park May (Female, 35) CEO of imported film distributor May

Her name was originally Maehwi. Was it her dad's poor hearing, or her mom's poor pronunciation? Her dad, who heard Maehwi as May, registered her birth with the name "May". For a long time, her mom called her Maehwi and her dad called her May. To May, the actual party concerned, it didn't matter whatever they called her by. What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet.

May believed in fundamental things. This was also due to her peaceful and cool nature; is it because of that? Entering a translation and interpreting university at the top of her class and finishing her studies in a graduate school of the same expertise, she was walking the so-called elite course. But then she set aside her career path and went into foreign film translation. The reason was simple. Because films are fun, but film festivals are freaking fun. She was in Busan when she first met Mijoo. At the Busan International Film Festival, which she skipped her class for, their sharing of the same bed at the guesthouse was the beginning of their relationship. After getting to know her, she found out that she's a distant junior of hers under the same department in their university. Mijoo was 21.

There is no bad Mijoo in this world. This is the pet theory of May as the dog owner of Mijoo. Mijoo—rough and clumsy, which makes her cute and pure too—was like a dog sometimes, she had no hesitations in baring her claws at arrogant things. From then on, May took it upon herself to be the dog owner. She was worried. If Mijoo meets a good person, it feels like she'd overcome her struggles and become extremely successful*, and if she meets a bad person, it feels like she'd get stabbed with a knife in the midst of selling drugs in a backstreet. All or nothing—Mijoo, who has no in between, didn't have a lot of things. She said she's never met a nice adult in her 20 years of life. Ah... I'm stuck. No choice, I'd have to be the nice adult for Mijoo, she decided**. Just like that, she spent around 10 years of time with her, as a senior and roommate.

She had more curiosity and energy before compared to now, but she feels no excitement nor interest in whatever she does these days. When she was young, she simply felt that her older seniors were cool, but now that she's at that age, she understood. There's just no fun in doing anything. She's done them all, tasted them all; the energy she used to pour out without reservation had been exhausted since long time ago.

Around that period of ennui in her life, an unsavory incident broke out in the translation industry she's been working in. She left translation behind and set up an imported film distributing company. As a small company that mainly imported independent films and art films, it involved a lot of legwork, so business trips is a norm. Her dream was to be a salaried employee for a lifetime, but why'd she become a CEO? CEOs like salaries too.. she didn't know of this fact until she became one herself. Is this, depressing? May, who was mentally healthy, immediately began her visits to the psychiatrist. Antidepressants help people who help themselves, and May wants to help herself properly. And since she's on it already, it's better to be bright and healthy.

T/N: * The idiom used in the original text is 개천에서 용 난다, which literally means "a dragon rises up from a creek." Often translated as "rags to riches," it is used to refer to someone from a humble background who overcame their hardships and became extremely successful.

** A longer translation that would more properly express the nuance of the original sentence would be:  May decided that: I'm not the best choice, but since there's no one else to do it, there's no choice but for me, at least, to be the good adult for Mijoo.

(orig post link from writer Park Shihyun’s DC gallery post)

[jokertrap-ran]

(未定事件簿) 莫弈 SR [松雪童话] [Tears of Themis] Mo Yi SR [Snowy Pine Fairytales] Card Story Translations (Part 2)

*Tears of Themis Masterlist / Mo Yi’s Masterlist / Mobile Masterlist *Spoiler free: Translations will remain under cut *Check out Chapter 1 of Mo Yi’s Private Story here!

Part 1 / Part 2 / Part 3 / SMS

Demon King: Squeak—

As if answering my doubts, Demon King slowly relaxed again. It even slowly reached its forelimbs out to tentatively touch Mo Yi's fingers.

MC: (Oh… It looks like it really isn't as terrified anymore.)

☆⋅⋆…⋅─────────── ⋆⋅✾⋅⋆ ───────────⋅…⋆⋅☆

He slowly moved his arm closer to being Demon King closer to him.

Maybe it felt appeased, for its bushy tail started swaying back and forth, as if to express how close it felt to him.

MC: Just like back when I first saw it, Demon King really seems to have taken a liking to you, Dr. Mo.

Mo Yi: Yes. Judging by how it's behaving, it looks like it trusts me quite a bit.

Mo Yi warmly returned the small creature’s gaze, the warmth within his golden eyes akin to the warm rays of the winter sun.

It wasn’t piercing, but warm, and comfortable. The sort of warmth that made me sincerely feel at ease from the bottom of my heart.

MC: (Maybe… Maybe this is why Demon King’s willing to get closer to Dr. Mo.)

Now, both the silver-coated woods and Mo Yi’s own silvery hair reflected a plethora of wonderful colors as the sun’s rays fell upon them. Adding onto the scene was the cute Demon King, forming a picturesque scene full of warmth that made people unwilling to disrupt it.

☆⋅⋆…⋅─────────── ⋆⋅✾⋅⋆ ───────────⋅…⋆⋅☆

Demon King gradually got used to its surroundings. It looked at Mo Yi, before turning towards me, who stood beside him.

MC: Now that we’ve found him, we should hurry and bring him back. I’m sure the little guy’s anxiously waiting for its return.

Mo Yi: Yes.

Mo Yi gently gestured to Demon King to enter the pocket of his coat; it cocked its head, as if pondering. Following that, it followed the path down the sleeve of his shirt, eventually jumping snugly into his coat pocket.

Only a furry little head could be seen peeking out from his pocket, alertly surveying its surroundings.

MC: How wonderous… It looks like it understands you...

MC: Unless... Are you also capable of reading the minds of little animals?

Mo Yi laughed, but made no comment.

Mo Yi: It’s nothing all that strange. I think that it has just gotten used to listening to people since it's been living together with humans for so long.

MC: You do have a point there.

☆⋅⋆…⋅─────────── ⋆⋅✾⋅⋆ ───────────⋅…⋆⋅☆

And that was how we brought Demon King back to Snowy Pine Village. It had stayed quietly inside Mo Yi's pocket the entire trip back, never once making another attempt to escape.

It was already getting late by the time we returned to the village.

☆⋅⋆…⋅─────────── ⋆⋅✾⋅⋆ ───────────⋅…⋆⋅☆

Location: Snowy Pine Village

The boy had long since been waiting for us at the village entrance, exclaiming in joy the moment he saw us.

Little Boy: Yay! You've brought Demon King back!

We had only just stopped in front of him when Demon King leapt onto his hand, affectionately pawing at his face.

Mo Yi took out the whistle and returned it to the boy, who carefully tucked it away.

Little Boy: I just knew that it'd come back as long as you blew that whistle! This is mom's whistle; it really likes mom.

Mo Yi: Keep a close eye on it and don't let it run off again.

Demon King: Squeak squeak sque-squeak!

Little Boy: Demon King says thank you!

The boy didn't sound as guarded as before anymore, and his expression had also softened a tad.

MC: You're welcome, Demon King.

MC: But can you really communicate with it, little buddy?

Little Boy: Yeah! Demon King knows lots of super spells, so of course it understands what I say!

Spells? I immediately asked him the question that had been festering at the bottom of my heart.

MC: About that, could you tell me why you named it Demon King? There must be some special meaning to that, right?

Little Boy: Because Demon Kings are great! The Demon Kings in fairy tales always know everything and they even have spells that can control time!

Little Boy: As long as I have Demon King's spells, mom and dad can come back!

MC: …...

So Demon King's name simply originated from his own innocent fantasies; but I never thought… That it actually had some sort of special meaning.

Speaking of which, I haven't seen this child's parents at all up, and even his guardian never made an appearance up till now. Maybe it's really just like I deduced earlier...

I was just mulling over the thought when I suddenly caught sight of an old grandmother with a walking stick coming towards us from the village.

Grandmother: Little Meng, have you found Demon King yet?

His grandmother had a full head of grey hair and appeared to have some difficulty walking despite being supported by a walking stick.

The boy hurriedly dashed towards her to provide support.

Little Boy: I found him. You're not fit to be out here, Gran. Why did you come back outside?

Grandmother: You didn't come home after such a long time and I was getting worried about you, so I came out to have a look.

As she spoke, she Mo Yi and I standing to the side.

Grandmother: Did you guys help him find Demon King?

Mo Yi: Indeed. It only took little effort.

His grandmother looked kindly at us for a while before waving towards the boy.

Grandmother: Alright, you go off and play first. I want to talk to this brother and sister for a bit.

Little Boy: 'Kay! I'll go bring Demon King home first.

Watching the little boy leave with his squirrel in tow, his grandmother turned to us with an apologetic smile.

Grandmother: Sorry, little Meng must have caused you guys much trouble.

MC: I see, so he's called little Meng?

Grandmother: Yes, little Meng is just the nickname that his mother gave him; he's my grandson.

Grandmother: How do I address the both of you?

MC: I'm (Y/n), and he's Mo Yi. We're here to celebrate Christmas.

Mo Yi: Sorry for not formally giving you an introduction earlier; that was rather rude of me.

Grandmother: You are too humble.

Grandmother: Haa, it's not often that people come by these parts, and young people like you are an even rarer occurrence.

Grandmother: Both of his parents aren't here together with him, you see. So, it's only us, a grandma and her grandchild, living together like this… Thankfully, he still has a squirrel to help ease some of his boredom.

MC: ……

She sighed, speaking to us solemnly.

Grandmother: Young lad and miss, I have something to ask of you, but I don't know if you'll agree to it.

☆⋅⋆…⋅─────────── ⋆⋅✾⋅⋆ ───────────⋅…⋆⋅☆  

Location: Snowy Pine Village

Grandmother: Young lad and miss, I have something to ask of you, but I don't know if you'll agree to it.

Mo Yi: Your tone has taken a serious turn. I take it that whatever you're going to tell us now has something to do with little Meng?

Mo Yi: Go on. We'll definitely help you out if it's something within our ability to.

Hearing this, little Meng's grandmother looked at Mo Yi in surprise, but was also thankful that he was willing to lend an ear.

Grandmother: Alright then, I'll get straight to the point. It's going to be Christmas very soon, so… Could the both of you celebrate this festival with him?

Grandmother: Like setting up a tree or something or decorating the house with him…

Grandmother: I'm not too familiar with these foreign practices and there are very few youngsters in this village, so he's literally unable to find any playmates.

Grandmother: Oh, you can just celebrate the occasion at my place. There's no one else other than me and that child.

MC: Of course, we can do it! We originally came here to celebrate Christmas anyway!

Grandmother: I'm really thankful to the both of you… His parents would celebrate it with him in the past, but they're no longer here together with him anymore… Haa...

MC: About that... Sorry, but could I ask where his parents went off to?

Mo Yi: Please be assured, we only want to understand little Meng a little better in order to celebrate this festival with him.

Grandmother: Of course, it'd actually not anything worth hiding.

Grandmother: We're a small village and we can't plant anything when it's snowing during winter, so our economic situation hasn't been very good.

Grandmother: The youngsters of this village went out of town to work, so that they could earn a living. His parents were the same.

Grandmother: A few years ago, his parents were still not that busy and could afford to come home for the New Years. It was also then that his mother brought Demon King back.

Grandmother: His mother told him that the squirrel was his "Christmas present", and even made a small red ribbon for it.

Grandmother: The three if them lugged a huge tree back from the forest and hung colorful little things on it. It was shiny and pretty nice-looking.

Grandmother: Foreign festivals like this are much more popular in the city, and that was also when I first learnt about this "Christmas" that they spoke of… Haa...

Grandmother: Not to mention that he was beyond happy. This child, he'd always be so elated whenever his parents came home that he'd giddily go along with whatever without so much as a peep... 

MC: I see, no wonder he...

His grandmother continued speaking, sighing, and shaking her head again as she did.

Grandmother: But his parents have only been getting increasingly busier with their work these past two years. So much that we now saw neither hide nor hair of them, and phone calls only come once in a blue moon…

Grandmother: At the beginning, he'd always pester me, asking me when his parents would return. I'd always tell him soon, but even he stopped believing me after the nth time.

Grandmother: Eventually, he started talking to the squirrel and would disappear along with it in tow time and time again. He even gave it such a weird name according to a book.

Grandmother: Haa… This kid was so cute back then that it's laughable, but now, he doesn't care about anyone but that squirrel of his.

Grandmother: But we can't blame his parents for this either. I mean, who would be willing to work all day every day outside like that? If it wasn't for me and this child...

She had only spoken halfway before breaking out into a fit of violent coughs.

I hurriedly reached forwards to gently pat her on the back. It was only after a while that her coughing fit calmed.

MC: Are you alright!?

Grandmother: ...Cough, cough. I'm fine, it's just one of the woes of sickness that come with getting old, just that it gets worse as time goes on.

Grandmother: I'm afraid I can't celebrate this festival with him even if I wanted to…

She gradually lowered her voice, her eyes filled with an inconsolable sadness.

MC: ...Granny, you...

It was hard for me not to feel a little depressed at the thought of spending a lonely Christmas alone.

Noticing how I was acting unnaturally, Mo Yi gently patted my arm and walked up to the elderly woman.

Mo Yi: ...I understand. You wish for us to spend Christmas with him, to let him revisit the warmth he shared with his parents back then.

Mo Yi: All thought there is no way that we can compare to his actual parents themselves, I'm willing to give it a try for him.

Grandmother: Young lad, young miss; you're both really such kind Samaritans.

After having finished speaking, his grandmother moved to give a shaky bow whilst trembling at the effort. Mo Yi hurriedly went to support her back up.

Mo Yi: Don't worry about it, we're only doing what we can to help.

☆⋅⋆…⋅─────────── ⋆⋅✾⋅⋆ ───────────⋅…⋆⋅☆  

Location: Country Villa

That day, we had another long talk with his grandmother. The sky was almost completely dark by the time we returned to the Villa.

I stood in front of the window and gazed out at the quiet snowy night in this mountainous village, yet my heart refused to settle no matter how long I stood.

MC: ...I'm sure little Meng is sad, deep down in his heart.

Mo Yi came up from behind, gently placing a blanket over my shoulders. Warmth flowed from my shoulders to the depths of my heart.

Mo Yi: The temperature by the window is lower; don't catch a cold.

MC: ... Thank you, Dr. Mo.

Mo Yi: Still thinking about little Meng?

MC: Yeah… Just like we've seen in the day, they aren't the only ones. This village is filled with lots of elderly and children who are dependent on each other…

I purposely made a point to observe how things were like in Snowy Pine Village ever since we left little Meng's house.

MC: From the looks of things, it really seems like this village is filled with those that have to be left behind.

Mo Yi: Yes; many of the villagers have left to work elsewhere, leaving parents who are getting on in age along with their children, which has caused this phenomenon of a left-behind village.

Mo Yi: Children who grow up with the lack of parental care will be more prone to mental problems, especially the younger ones.

Mo Yi: I will apply for care assistance once we return. I'll also make sure to write up a report about this and send it to the organizer of the Seminar.

Mo Yi: They are currently preparing for a "Plan to care for left-behind children", and I hope this village will be included in it.

MC: That's great then.

Mo Yi: But it'll still be a lot harder on the children since their parents are not with them.

MC: …...

MC: (Come to think of it, I haven't… Seen my parents in a long while too...)

Upon hearing little Meng's experiences in the day, I couldn't help but to imagine how my parents spent every festival together, alone, after I had left. Whether it be the beautiful memories of spending Christmas together with my parents, or whether it be the loneliness that came after from being alone; I had experienced them both.

I tried to hold it back earlier while we were still in front of little Meng's grandmother, so it didn't show; but now, I felt a little taken with my thoughts since the memories had surged back into the forefront of my mind.

Mo Yi: (Y/n), you seem to particularly understand little Meng very well. Did it remind you about your own parents?

I couldn't hide it myself anymore when faced by Mo Yi's eyes that overflowed with warmth.

MC: Nothing really escapes you, Dr. Mo… I don't even remember when I'd mentioned them around you.

Yes, perhaps it had been something that I had just happened to bring up one fine day; but yet, he had remembered it all so clearly.

He was quick to notice fluctuations in my mood, comforting me immediately, just like how he did in the day.

MC: Sorry for making you worry.

He gently held onto my hand, his low voice sounding crystal clear by my ear.

Mo Yi: Not at all. I simply pay more attention to the people and the things I keep close to heart.

Mo Yi: Emotions have to be let out. Not only will it be hard on you if you suppress it, but you might even fall sick from it.

Mo Yi: You don't have to put up facades around me. You can tell me; be it sadness or when you're feeling at a loss.

Mo Yi: There's no need to feel sorry or sheepish that you might be troubling me with it. I'm willing to listen to whatever you may share, regardless of what it may be.

MC: ……

Mo Yi: Alright. It's not early anymore so you should retire early for the day.

Mo Yi: I really look forward to decorating the Christmas Celebration venue; for little Meng, and also for you.

That night, I slept very soundly.

☆⋅⋆…⋅─────────── ⋆⋅✾⋅⋆ ───────────⋅…⋆⋅☆  

Location: Country Fair

The next day, we went to the nearby fair, just as little Meng's grandmother had told us to, and bought a wide variety of things that included decorations and presents alike.

Looking at the dazzling array of small trinkets, I totally immersed myself in the festive atmosphere as I went on quite the shopping spree.

MC: We've bought everything we need! I think they'll definitely like them!

Mo Yi took the many bags of decorations that I held, big and small ones alike, and handed me a cup of hot drink.

Mo Yi: How about we pick out gifts for each other too, (Y/n)?

MC: Of course; I was just about to ask you what you liked!

Mo Yi: How about this then? We'll split up and go search for our gifts, then we'll keep it secret and take it out together only on Christmas Eve.

Mo Yi: Just think of it as something to surprise the other; how does that sound?

MC: Sure, sounds really interesting!

Mo Yi: You don't have to spend too much effort looking for a gift for me, so just choose anything that you like.

Mo Yi: It's the thought that counts; I'm sure I'll like anything you give me.

☆⋅⋆…⋅─────────── ⋆⋅✾⋅⋆ ───────────⋅…⋆⋅☆  

I spent the next few days thinking about what present I should get him for Christmas, until the I saw a wood carving of a squirrel set out on an old craftsman's storefront.

A lightbulb lit up in my head and I asked the craftsman to customize a wood carving of a squirrel for me; one that wore Mo Yi's glasses on it.

With his expert craftsmanship skills, the squirrel that wore gold wire-framed glasses turned out looking utterly adorable and intelligent.

When I first saw the finished product, I just couldn't put it down as I stared at it in awe, already a little reluctant to give it away as a gift.

☆⋅⋆…⋅─────────── ⋆⋅✾⋅⋆ ───────────⋅…⋆⋅☆  

Location: Country Villa

MC: It's really cute! I can't wait to see the look on Dr. Mo's face when he sees it.

MC: I wonder what present he prepared though...

───⋅𝕿𝖎𝖑𝖑 𝖓𝖊𝖝𝖙 𝖙𝖎𝖒𝖊…⋆⋅☆

[hecohansen31]

Not The Right Time

The Story Of How Everything Went On:

Ivar+Reader (Modern! AU).

(Masterlist) (Previous Chapter)

(A/N): Hello there, lovelies!

This chapter is mostly a filler, because I wasn’t emotionally and physically ready to write what comes next, hence I felt like I still had to give out some infos, mostly about Ivar’s family and Reader’s feelings.

I really hope that you’ll enjoy it, although it isn’t a proper fullfilling chapter!

As always: FEEDBACK IS VERY VERY USEFUL!

Us writers don’t write for you certainly, but we do pubblish stuff for you, hence a simple comment or a reblog with something written might CHANGE  a person’s day.

You are never annoying and us writers treasure your comments (they might out heart beat and our fingers write faster).

SUMMARY: New revelations and new act of faiths might get you more confused about your newborn feelings for the father of your child.

WORDS: 9, 4 K

WARNINGS: Pregnancy, Unexpected Pregnancy, Pregnancy at a Young Age, Mention of Abortion (and Being Harsh About it), Heartbreak and General Angst, Abandonement Issues and Being A Single Mom, Mention of Infertility, Talk about Custody Battles and Custody, Fighting and Angst, Use of The Word Cripple.

Ivar had never had much luck with women.

But he had been blessed with a beautiful mother.

Aslaug was someone who would cherish her sons to the end of the world, blessed with four of them.

But they had not been four normal boys, but four constantly fighting men who wouldn’t hesitate a moment to give her an heart attack.

And although many more times it was Hvitserk, the bearer of bad news, this time it had to be him.

And what he might have to tell was worse than Hvitserk that time he had decided to open a bakery with his father’s money.

So, he thought it would have been better to tell her that he had a child, when she was sat down.

“Mom” he called out to her, as she moved around the kitchen checking that dishes were in their proper places and made sure sure that not a single crumb of bread was left in her kitchen.

She had always been a bit of a clean freak, but it had grown worse once they had all moved out of the house, mostly because of the fact that sadly she hadn’t much to do, having been an housewife all her life, although lately she had started to care for her garden.

And her roses looked the absolute prettiest.

He had thought that Eric would have loved playing there.

He might have suggested maybe getting it fixed with a swing or a soccer field for his son and his nephews, he was sure that Ubbe would have backed him up on that, although he was sure that he would have certainly gawked at the mention that Ivar had a child.

A child that wasn’t Freydis’.

A child that was with you, his best friend and high school sweetheart.

Yeah, he was sure that Aslaug would have had a heart attack, upon hearing it.

She had already had one when he had announced his engagement to Freydis.

She had come to him, meanwhile all the others congratulated Freydis and although she hadn’t explicitly told him that she didn’t approve it, she had tried to question him about it.

‘Are you sure, sweetheart?’

‘Because you are both so young’.

‘… and you haven’t been with each other for such a long time’.

‘Mom, you ran away with dad just a few days after you had met him’ he had interrupted her, not fully understanding why his own mother among all the people wouldn’t support his happiness.

‘Yes, that I did’ her face had scrunched up in a grimace ‘… and I have regretted it for the entire time. I just… I just wouldn’t want you the same mistake I did’.

And now he had to tell her that he had a five-year-old child, with another woman.

Well, she certainly would have been surprised.

Once she was sure there weren’t anything outside of its rightful place, she sat down onto the table, inviting him to do the same, as she interlaced her fingers with his, excited to know what her youngest was up to.

They had always been quite attached to the other, and he couldn’t picture his small family without her.

Hence, he had to confess her two things.

“… you remember that I and Freydis have been trying to have a child, right?” he started, thinking that this would be far less a surprise than him admitting that he had put a baby in you.

Aslaug already looked like she knew exactly where this was going.

She had always been far smarter than she let on.

She was the one reason why Ragnar hadn’t died in his thirties.

And why all her sons had reached maturity.

This honestly gave her amazing powers.

And he trusted her judgement.

“Freydis is pregnant, the last lab sample worked”.

Although Aslaugh didn’t look amazingly happy, she still smiled softly, as she brought him in a soft hug, kissing his forehead and congratulating him, glad to have more grandchildren, which had quickly become the joy of her life.

She had already loved Ubbe-but-truly-they-were-Bjorn’s child, and she had been trying to convince her still-single sons to settle down and give her more grandchildren.

(‘I might have already’ had mumbled Hvitserk, with a small smirk, before Aslaug had slapped him on the head and gave him a lesson on condoms).

(Ivar might have needed it, too).

So, even if she didn’t like Freydis, she would have loved her grandchild.

“Is Freydis alright?” she asked, moving with a full-on questioning “… has she already gone to some visits? Do you know the gender?”.

“Mom, she’s barely a few months along!” he tried to calm her down, although he was happy that his mother was so so excited about it.

“Sorry sweetie, but you know when I was pregnant with Ubbe that it’d be a boy” she commented softly “… hasn’t she felt anything? Has she?”.

“… and that isn’t the only news I have for you”.

And now came the hard part.

And Aslaug immediately noticed his uneasiness, and her hands moved away from his, as they gently caressed his face to make him stare at her in the eyes, trying to search them to understand what was going on in his mind.

She had always been extremely good at understanding him before even him himself.

But he honestly was sure that she would have never guessed the other news.

She had seen your relationship with you coming, and she had encouraged him to follow his crush.

Still she had tried to keep herself away from meddling with it, pushing herself in a rather cold attitude with you that had made you many times question yourself.

‘Are you sure that your mother doesn’t hate me’ you had questioned him once, when you had come to his house to hang out.

‘No, she just doesn’t like people’ he had replied, as he had tried to get you to sit on his lap, to calm you down.

‘… now I know where you got that’ you had mumbled, as you had finally allowed him to wrap his arms softly around your waist ‘… but still… I really hope that she doesn’t think badly of me’.

‘You shouldn’t worry of anybody’s opinion…’ he had muttered, as he had lightly shifted your hair to the side to kiss your neck ‘… except mine’.

‘But… I’m worried, about her opinion… I don’t want you to…’.

‘Sweetheart calm down!’ he had mumbled, kissing softly your lips ‘… nobody will make me change my mind’.

Yeah, that hadn’t been exactly true.

And he hated himself for it.

You were right in hating him.

Although lately you had been rather cordial towards each other and he would have dared saying that you were almost friends.

In the end he appreciated that you were nice with him for Eric’s sake.

“… mom I hope… this is something that is new also to me, but… I have a child” Aslaug looked at him confused, almost as if she expected him to either joke or clarify himself “… you remember (Y/N), right?”.

“Such a sweetheart” her smile pushed their tips in a light smirk “… but what does she have to do with all of this?”.

“I have a child with her” all the color was suddenly drained by Aslaug’s face “… we had sex on prom night, and I got her pregnant… and she didn’t tell me about the child till a few weeks ago”.

“Ivar Axel Lothbrock!” she exclaimed loudly, as she jumped up from the chair, which fell off because of the suddenness “… I didn’t think that this would be happening with you!”.

“Mom, calm down” Ivar tried to keep her quiet, not wanting his brothers to know about it, till he had talked it out firstly with his mother “… don’t strain yourself”.

“I thought it might happen with Hvitserk, I mean that boy… is a pest, but… you?!”.

“I know that I disappointed you” this seemed to calm her down, as she turned to face Ivar, who had ducked his down, incased between his shoulder blades, as if it weighted onto them.

“I am… just… surprised” she mumbled “… for how long have you hidden this from me?”.

“Not long, a month max, but… to my defense, I also discovered it recently” Ivar explained, as he felt his mom calming down a bit, as if she realized this situation wouldn’t go away.

So, she’d better accepting it quickly.

“You know that I and (Y/N)  didn’t leave each other on the best terms…” because as much as you might have been heartbroken by him, he had been ten times grumpier than usually at your refusal of being contacted by him, after the ‘break-up’.

Now that he had calmed down, he thought that you had just done the best thing you could have done to protect yourself.

You were still doing it, whenever you’d retract from him, once the conversation between you two got too personal.

“… she hid the pregnancy because she was sure that I didn’t want to be a father, and… she has then moved away”.

“Yeah yeah, I remember, I was honestly surprised that they’d be moving, but I guess she just needed a bit of time and to get away” mused Aslaug, almost as if she knew herself “… does the baby…?”:

“Yeah, he was born with osteogenesis” he explained, his mother’s face softening, as she lightly retreated from him, almost hurt by it, and he thought honestly the worst of everything.

“… poor boy” she mumbled “… and poor (Y/N), things like this aren’t easy, even more when you are a single mother”.

And Ivar understood that she spoke from experience.

And that was what was making her so emotional.

It was like going through it again.

“She is very strong and she has taken care of him amazingly” he explained softly, trying to calm his mother, as Aslaug moved again closer, her eyes slightly shiny “… he is five… we are trying to set up this thing to be able to give him both a father and a mother”.

“Do you have a picture?” Aslaug’s voice was choked, and Ivar hurried to get his phone out “… I really would like to see my grandchild”.

He didn’t want to break her heart correcting her that he wasn’t sure you’d be approving of her calling Eric ‘her grandchild’ when you already had difficulties in accepting that Eric called him ‘dad’ now.

But for the moment, he had already had a rather traumatic discourse with his mother.

So, he got his phone out and showed him a few pictures of Eric he had taken from the last time they had hanged out together, at a park, where Eric had tried out a few goalkeeper’s moves with his dad, under your watchful gaze, although you had given the two boys a bit of alone time, going to grab a few things in the nearby stores.

In the photo Eric was standing on the bench, adjusting his braces, as he waved at Ivar.

And they also had one that you had taken of them together, after Eric pleaded you so that he could show ‘how cool his dad was’ to all his friends, something that had made you grimace a bit, but he had teared up a bit.

And so, did Aslaug as she saw it.

“… Gosh, he looks so adorable!” she commented, as she brought an hand to her mouth in surprise, a bit smile still appearing on it “… he seems a lot like you, when you were younger”.

“I do agree, but not the entire personality… you won’t believe it, but… he is all smiles and sweet words” he mumbled as Aslaug laughed lightly, looking at her son, before a bright light shone on her face.

And Ivar got worried.

“You should invite her for Thanksgiving” it wasn’t a proposal, it was an order “… she was always such a nice girl, well-mannered and sweet… I was surprised when she distanced herself…”.

“… mom, calm down” he told her “… we might have child together, but that doesn’t mean that we are together and that she’ll want to meet you”.

Honestly, his mother had been more excited about (Y/N) than Freydis.

And it was worrying that he too honestly had been also excited at the thought of you and Eric spending Thanksgiving with his family.

Like a true family.

Aslaug looked like a child who had been denied candies.

“Sweetie…” she softened her tone “… I understand the situation, but I’d like to meet my grandchild, obviously with her consent”.

He thought that asking you, wouldn’t have been certainly a bad idea.

Although he was already seeing your denial.

But worst of all: what would have Freydis thought about it?

Although she hadn’t made a huge deal anymore about Eric and you, preferring to just sweep the entire thing under the carpet, and focusing on her own pregnancy, she certainly wouldn’t have been too happy of this.

Even more when she had also been able to sense that Aslaug didn’t like her in the slightest.

But unlike you, she hadn’t bothered trying to impress Aslaug in the slightest.

She certainly respected her, but that was the end of it for her.

She had had Ivar in the end.

“… I’ll ask her, still don’t get your hopes too high” he tried to shut her expectations down, but Aslaug honestly looked like she had been given her Christmas’ gift before time.

“Ahhh, I already can’t believe that my youngest gave me a grandchild first” she commented, already too lost in her thoughts with a beautiful smile on her face “… can’t believe that he is also a sweetheart, don’t you have more photos with him?”.

And he let her watch a few more, before he caught somebody on the entrance of the kitchen, realizing that it was Sigurd, who sent him a rather dark look, as if saying ‘I want to talk with you’.

He left his mother, with the promise of telling her more about Eric, as he moved to join his brother for what he thought would be another sparring of wits, but Sigurd looked much more determined than usual.

“You got her pregnant?” he asked, and before Ivar knew it, his brother had quickly backed him up into a wall “… as if it wasn’t enough already breaking her heart”.

“You have no business in this, brother” he tried to advise him, molding his tone to be the coldest “… believe me”.

“No, I fucking have a lot of business in this…” he spoke, overcoming his voice, definitely bothered by all of this “… she used to be my best friend, and she fucking left the city, because you ruined her life!”.

“I didn’t ruin her life” he replied harshly, trying to push Sigurd away from him.

“Oh yeah… have you any idea how heartbroken she must have been for the fucking heartless joke you played on her, years ago? And think all of this multiplied because she got a baby from you, and baby that she took care on her own”.

Sigurd wasn’t wrong.

But if there was one thing that Ivar couldn’t stand in the slightest, was being put in front of his mistakes.

And being blamed so outwardly for it didn’t help you in the slightest.

“… it isn’t my fault that she didn’t tell me” he tried to reply, but it wasn’t of much help.

“I don’t blame her for that” Sigurd sneered at him “… I wouldn’t also to have a fucking screw up like you around my child”.

Ivar lurched for him, but he wasn’t able to do much, instead stumbling onto and almost falling in his face, barely able to see his brother running away from him.

But his words echoed in his head.

Because in the end…

… he wasn’t wrong.

---

You tried to adapt yourself to the thought of having to spend an entire day without Eric.

Which was something that you hadn’t had since you had become a mother.

And honestly, it scared you to death.

You had never been too far away from your child, at least not for an entire day, because no matter how tired you were, you’d stop at Eric’s room to kiss him and check on him.

And now you’d have to give him over for an entire day to Ivar.

You honestly didn’t want to do such thing, in the slightest.

He had suggested it, after it had been quite some time that he and Eric met and spent time, together.

Enough to convince you that he’d stay in Eric’s life.

And yours.

But yet, your irrational fears as a mother didn’t ease your mind and you felt horridly hollow at the sole thought of having to say goodbye to Eric, who was getting his backpack ready for the following day.

He had been so excited to spend the whole day and night with his dad that he had been counting down the days, constantly talking about what they’d do and how much ice cream he’d eat.

And you had had to send Ivar various texts on not letting Eric guilt-trip him into letting him eat what he wanted.

‘He’s very very cute, but you don’t have to give in to him’ and then you had followed up with ‘… you can do it, I have survived five years of this and so can you’.

You were also a bit worried for Freydis, mostly because as much as Ivar trusted her, she was a stranger to you.

A stranger whose life you were ‘sabotaging’.

So. you were honestly worried about her being the typical ‘evil stepmother’ although Ivar had reassured you that she didn’t mind Eric.

But you knew how women worked.

They said they ‘didn’t mind it’ and then they were storms.

And you didn’t want your son to be caught in the eye of the cyclone.

You had called her the previous day to check in with her, although you had been scared shitless of approaching her, not wanting to seem either demanding or a homewrecker.

She had sounded extremely calm on the phone, but she hadn’t seemed to mind it all too much truly, although she had been sharply gentle with you, impatient to close the conversation but she hadn’t certainly closed the phone in your face, which meant that she wanted to keep a conversation between you, two.

For which you were grateful.

But you were giving her your most treasured possession, your son.

And you hoped she would treat him the best.

And part of you was jealous of how fast your son had latched on Ivar.

Although you shouldn’t have been surprised.

He was his father, after all.

Even though you weren’t sure that being this close to Ivar was helpful or a good thing, in general.

Old emotions had been awakened since Ivar had come back in your life.

You knew that you shouldn’t have felt so so ashamed of the flames of your previous relationship still burning in your chest, but it was so strong that you weren’t able to shake it off, even more when Ivar was such a good father for Eric.

You were trying to shift your emotion behind that reason, but you knew that your old attraction was burning up again and you didn’t want for it brew more inside of your mind.

Although there weren’t many solutions.

Except pushing yourself in work and trying to breath new air.

Which was why you were also low key thankful of having been allowed a bit of free air from Eric, grateful that you’d be able to spend the afternoon with Sigurd, who had been asking you for a few days for a private meeting between you two.

‘It’s been too long since we last see each other, and now that we are in the same city, it’d be a shame for us to waste more space apart’.

And then Angelika had been already ordering a private booth in a small club, to pass the night as true single moms.

And although you didn’t want any quick hook-up, meeting new people might do you good.

At least to break the spell that Ivar had set on you.

Again.

You tried to ease the anxiety in your chest, as you finished folding Eric’s clothes, going to check out on him as you found him trying to push a few of his favorite toys in the already too big backpack.

“Are you sure that you’ll need all these toys?” you asked softly, with a small smirk, brightened by seeing that Eric hadn’t changed yet.

Change scared mothers, because it was a sign of growing up and your sunshine-beauty of a child, would soon be a grumpy teenager and even sooner, he’d be a man leaving your house.

And as much as you understood that it was normal and healthy, you’d miss your sweet boy.

“Yeah! Of course! I want to show dad all the cool stuff I have!” he muttered as if it was the most natural thing ever with Ivar’s determination shining in his eyes.

“Ahhh I don’t think that you’d need still to bring to dad your Avengers’ tower” you mumbled softly, fishing out the huge toy that didn’t allow his backpack to close, making him pout at you “… or maybe we could stuff it in another backpack?”.

“Yeah, I think that is the best option” he replied softly, with a thoughtful expression that made you push a few strands away from his face, as you raised lightly his chin to look at him in the eyes.

“You know that I love you more than everything in the universe?” you asked softly, crooking an eyebrow at him, who immediately moved to hug tightly your middle, as he smashed his face roughly on your stomach.

But you needed that contact.

And you were already on the verge of your tears.

“… you are my mom, of course I love you!” he mumbled, his voice lightly muffled by your clothes.

You wanted to tell him that you weren’t sure that he’d think that when he was some angsty teenager, but for now you beamed in your child’s sweetness, hoping that it’d stick with you for quite a bit.

At least it did brighten your day.

You moved to separate the toys that you would have to put in the new backpack, as you tried to remind him what he had to do when he arrived home.

‘Don’t forget to give Freydis the gift’ you reminded him, as you made sure that he had taken it, finding the small picture frame you had gotten her, as a peace offer ‘… and if you don’t feel comfortable, all you have to do is ask your dad to call me, ok?’.

‘Okie dokie, mom’ he muttered with a fake-annoyed tone, which made you smirk lightly at him, as you rushed to him to tickle him.

‘Did you just roll your eyes to me, young boy’ you teased him, as he tried to escape your grip, but you were stronger and eventually he just gave up, begging for forgiveness as you erupted in laughter.

‘… mom…’ he called out to you, as you both laid out on the bed ‘… I’ll miss you’.

You had to breathe deeply to stop yourself from crying, but eventually as you spoke up, your voice was still choked.

‘… I’ll miss you too, lovely’.

And then you rushed to finish getting ready, rushing to your car, as you helped Eric in the braces, making sure to have his pain medicine, a small note attached to it, although you had no doubt that Ivar was familiar with at least half of it.

You knew that he wouldn’t put Eric in harm’s way.

But still… mommy’s instincts were tough to fight.

As you arrived at Ivar’s apartment, you weren’t able to stop yourself from starting to panic internally, something that Eric probably felt, gripping your hand tighter to comfort you, something for which you were grateful.

You moved to the proper apartment, taking in the beautiful design of the house, much more expensive that the shithole you lived in, and much bigger, something that made you question as always if you had been stupid in denying Eric the life that Ivar could have offered him.

You were brought back by this as the door of the apartment opened to reveal a pretty blonde woman, dressed in a rather elegant assemble that complimented her lean body, matching her natural color.

You were honestly feeling a potato in your comfortable jeans and the hoodie of your high school.

“You must be (Y/N)” you nodded, almost as if it had been an order, although the blonde woman had been extremely gentle, a soft smile on her lips as she looked at Eric, who had moved behind you, trying to hide himself, a bit shy “… and you must be Eric, Ivar has told me a lot about you! Please enter”.

“Ahh thank you!” you mumbled softly, indeed coming inside, as you led Eric with you, trying to coo him out of his shyness bubble “… and please excuse Eric… he is a sweetheart, but a shy one”.

“Totally got that from his father” replied gently Freydis, no sign of the woman that had considered Eric’s baggage in sight, but you still didn’t feel comfortable talking with her alone.

“Is Ivar… out?” you didn’t want to sound annoying or demanding, but you wouldn’t have left Eric with her, because although she seemed the gentlest sweetheart, you didn’t know her fully.

Not as you did with Ivar.

“He is in his study, got a call at the very last minute” she explained, with a light huff “… always at his phone… that man”.

“He isn’t one for much fun” you joined in, remembering that about him also in high school “… all business and no pleasure… if I remember, right?”.

“That’s my fiancé” Freydis giggled and although she hadn’t meant anything harsher in her tone, her words were definitely sharp and cutting.

Telling you that Ivar was her fiancé although he might be Eric’s dad.

“… don’t worry, it won’t take too much” she then added, looking also at Eric, who had finally exited his shell and was looking at her with questioning eyes, wanting to definitely meet his dad and play games “… in the meanwhile, please do sit! And can I get you a drink?”.

“Ahem… no, I am actually meeting with a friend, for a coffee, but thank you”.

Polite and curtsy small talk, meaning nothing, because you couldn’t help but feel that, although Freydis wasn’t being actively mean with you, you were walking on a mined camp.

But Eric took in the offer of sitting, mostly because he wasn’t used to standing up too long after he had been sat in the car, plumping down on a chair with such noise that you couldn’t help but send him a reprimanding look, worried of what Freydis might think of that, but she was on the kitchen counter, pouring a bit of water for herself.

There weren’t much traces of her pregnancy, but a slight roundness on her, with her looking like the portrait of the ‘perfect and radiant pregnant woman’, whereas your pregnancy had been quite tough on you.

And as much as you were a bit jealous of her, you couldn’t help but be glad that she was having a nice pregnancy, because you knew how much of a mental and physical toll it could be.

Although it was absolutely worth in the end.

“… congratulations, by the way! I hope you won’t mind me saying it, but Ivar told me the great news” she wasn’t able to hide the surprise in his eyes, and you softened a bit more your tone “… the first three months are the rougher, believe me”.

And then you got used to feeling like a beached whale.

“… I really hope, I haven’t been sleeping a morning without…” and then she shot a slight look at Eric.

“I can’t truly believe it! You look stunning!” you tried to reassure her, avoiding thinking about the strangeness of this entire thing “… believe me when I was pregnant with this little monster, he wouldn’t let me do much more than to stand on the sofa”.

She laughed softly, and you couldn’t help but see why Ivar had fallen in love with her: she was a nice soft breeze of air, and he honestly deserved it, after everything that had gone through his life.

“… mom!” complained Eric, sending you an embarrassed look, as you and Freydis laughed softly.

And then he remembered about the gift, quickly getting it out of his backpack as he moved to reach Freydis halfway, who crouched down to the boy’s height and thanked him when she received the wrapped gift.

She unwrapped it quickly, as you held your breath, hoping she’d like it and wouldn’t treat your boy as her own Cinderella once you were out of the door.

She was extremely surprised by it, and seemed to quite like it, kissing Eric’s cheek to thank him, as he blushed redder, something that immediately reminded you of Ivar.

Who, almost as if he had been summoned, entered the room, in that moment.

Eric’s eyes immediately brightened as he rushed to him, making Ivar smirk as he brought him up in a swirling hug, which made you and Freydis screech in horror, both worried for your boys.

But then Ivar settled him down, smacking a sound kiss on his face as Eric washed it off, acting as ‘a true man’.

You’d have to have a talk with Eric about toxic masculinity.

“… hey champ!” Ivar mused, before he saluted you softly, shooting a small look at Freydis to check in with her, and she smiled stretching the smile on her face, as she tried to busy herself to move away, leaving you a bit of privacy “… sorry for being late, I had an urgent phone call”.

“Don’t worry” you shut him off slightly, because today you’d be trying to extinguish the small flames he had left in your heart “… I have left a change in his backpack, but if you need anything, my mom is at home and if you have any questions, you have my phone number…”.

“Gotcha, (Y/N)” he mumbled with a wicked look in his eyes.

“I am not being overbearing” you replied tightly, as he simply sent you a sarcastic look “… try having a child and then we’ll see, and I really hope it won’t turn in a girl or you won’t ever let her date”.

“Of course, I won’t… I know how horrible boys can be” and you couldn’t help but realize that he was talking about himself “… but in the meanwhile, get some fun, mother hen”.

“Please don’t lose my child” you teased him and he simply sent you an annoyed look, before it softened up once Eric asked him whether he could have ice cream, and Ivar agreed, ignoring blatantly your suggestion “… I’ll think about you as I sleep peacefully, meanwhile you are cursed with a little sugar-high demon”.

“Your mom just has the best humor, doesn’t she?” retorted Ivar as he and Eric shared a conspiratorial look, and you could just pout softly at them both.

“Ok, now I’ll go, and I’ll leave you to your male bonding” you gently mocked them “… have a nice time and you got my number”.

“Don’t worry, just have a relaxing day” he mumbled softly with a small look “… and if you have a quiet moment, tomorrow when you come and pick him up we could grab a coffee, I have a thing to ask you”.

Which spurred on your anxiety, but you nodded, giving one last kiss at Eric, who wiped it away trying to appear all tough again, but his eyes didn’t leave you till the door closed behind you.

The sound was so shocking that it hit you.

You wouldn’t have your son for an entire day, and it was already crushing your soul.

In the end you ran away, trying to think that you’d see him tomorrow.

And that right now you had a friend to meet.

And you hoped that’d make you feel better.

---

And how wrong were you.

Sigurd had arrived lightly late and from the start you had been able to catch the fact that he was nervous, but you had thought he was simply scared of meeting a friend he hadn’t seen in quite a bit of time.

And then you realized that he was actually irritated.        

And after the usual ‘hey how are you’ ‘long time no see’, he had gotten down to business.

“Why didn’t you tell me that Ivar and you had a child?”.

And you were taken aback, wondering how he had discovered it.

Ivar hadn’t told you anything, about having told his family about Eric.

You had both agreed upon not telling his brothers, although he had told you that he had wanted to communicate it to his mother, alongside Freydis’ pregnancy.

‘If she gets an heartattack don’t blame it on me’ you had muttered it when he had explained you his decision, and he had simply smirked back.

“… Sigurd… we weren’t on talking terms” you explained softly, because it was the truth.

Not only, since you had discovered of the pregnancy, you had distanced yourself from the Lothbrock family, but you were sure that if you had told anything to Sigurd he wouldn’t have been able to keep his mouth shut.

And you hadn’t wanted Ivar to know about your pregnancy, back then.

Sigurd had been one of your best friends back then, but he hadn’t also reached out to you when you had started distancing yourself after Ivar had broken your heart, so it wasn’t completely your fault and you told him to intimating him to lower his voice.

“… I came here to have a nice coffee with a friend who I haven’t seen in a lot of time” you explained, your voice grounding him back to reality “… not to be insulted for choices that he had no business in”.

That seemed to get to him, and he apologized with a dark look of sadness on his face.

Although he and Ivar were at each other’s throat 24/7, they were so so damnably similar that you understood completely why they constantly fought against each other.

They had both this pendant to assume the worst about others.

“… I am sorry, I just…” he looked at his hands to shift his gaze away from you “… I am shocked, I didn’t expect… that to happen… I mean… it’s Ivar… he has…”.

“Believe me, Sigurd, it worked, at least once” you commented, knowing where he was going at “… I have a lot of proof of it, if you are asking for confirmation”.

“No no, I know that, don’t worry” mumbled glowing red Sigurd “… it is just that… I mean… I just can’t believe that he got lucky enough to have a son with you and that… and that you chose not to let him know”.

“Sigurd, he told me that he didn’t love me, anymore” you explained to him “… that child was mine, and not his”.

“Then why are you allowing him to see Eric?” he inquired, with a raised brow.

“… because he is his father, as much as Ivar broke my heart” you explained and although at first you had found it difficult to say it, now it was as natural as breathing “… I don’t think that I need Ivar to raise Eric, but… I can’t hide him for ever, and Eric deserves to know”.

Sigurd nodded, as he seemed to think about it, before he finally let out a breath.

“I just… I just hoped he hadn’t chosen to break your heart” he mumbled, and you couldn’t help but agree “… like it’d have been nice to have you in our family and not that gold digger”.

“Sigurd!” you reprimanded him, immediately, with a rather harsh look at him.

“Oh c’mon! They have been together for a few months and she was like ‘let’s get married’ and then ‘let’s have a child’ “ mumbled annoyedly Sigurd.

“… or maybe she simply loves him” you commented, as Sigurd sent you a disbelieving look.

“… or she loves his money” he corrected you.

“Are you saying this because it is the truth? Or because you are jealous of Ivar?” you joked softly, kicking him under the table “… because if he is happy, you shouldn’t be this grumpy”.

“Are you seriously happy that he is moving on and making a family with somebody else?”.

The question stole your hair from your lungs, but you tried not to show it to him.

“… yes, of course, Sigurd!” you mumbled, trying to hype up your energy “… we were high school sweethearts, but an entire life has passed since then, I do understand that he has moved on. And I have, too”.

Except you hadn’t.

But you had to.

“I still think that he is a fucking idiot for leaving you” grumped out Sigurd, as he lowered his eyes, but some semblance of peace was regained, as you finally managed to shift the discourse away from Ivar’s stupidity.

Sigurd wanted to see Eric and you were more than happy to show him through photos, as he informed you that his mother did indeed know of Eric and was excited about the news and you couldn’t help but find it difficult to picture Mrs. Lothbrock excited.

She had always had this haughty air about her that made you feel at extreme unease with her, even more when you had started sneaking around with Ivar and each time she caught you in the house, she’d look at you with this stare ‘I know how badly you corrupted my son’.

You hadn’t thought that she’d have been ecstatic of knowing that you and Ivar had been irresponsible enough to have a child, but according to Sigurd, she wanted to meet her ‘grandchildren’.

Which brought literal chills to move down your spine.

You appreciated that she wanted to be involved, but at the same time… it was just too much.

And you had been glad when Sigurd had shifted the theme of the conversation onto himself, and you were all too happy to be distracted by his horrifying music career, as you teased him for it.

But this coffee left a bad taste in your mouth.

Because suddenly Eric wasn’t anymore your secret.

And as much as you were glad for more people around you…

… it also meant they might leave you.

And you’d be heartbroken again.

But it’d be worse now, because they’d also leave Eric heartbroken.

---

In the end Ivar found out that you were right: Eric was a monster after having eaten ice cream as an afternoon snack and after dinner, but Ivar honestly knew that he couldn’t deny his child much.

At least to make up for the lost time.

They had played all afternoon, after he had threatened Heahmund to tell him to avoid bothering him with anything work-related for the rest of the day, since he wanted to play with his son.

And played they did, going even outside in the small apartment’s private garden to try out some soccer moves, as Freydis got everything ready, pointedly avoiding to look at them, together.

What she didn’t say, except with her eyes was ‘… I don’t have a problem with your bastard, but I don’t want to be part of this… at least for now’.

But he had been rather thankful for your gentleness with Freydis and for the respect he had felt between you two.

He hadn’t honestly expected for it to go this well, so he wasn’t certainly going to complain.

Although he was tired, wanting to straight up go to bed, after he had managed to make Eric fall asleep, he still did his best to adjust the mess of toys in the sitting room, before he joined Freydis in their bed.

She was finishing up getting ready, dosing her body with her usual lotions, a soft smile filling the room in a rather pleasing matter, immediately relaxing him as he moved to the bed, keeping his keen eyes on her.

She was slender, maybe a bit more than you could ever be, and graceful enough that nothing in her seemed out of place, and she was damnably beautiful.

But strangely, she had no effect on him.

Although he had noticed her for her beauty when she had accidentally smashed a cup of coffee on him, as she was rushing to her first day of work, he couldn’t get further than that.

She was beautiful, sweet and gentle.

But at the same time there was almost a block between him and her.

And he hoped that the marriage and the baby might help him developing this relationship further, because right now he felt stuck.

And he knew that Freydis was feeling it too.

Even more since you and Eric had appeared again.

He could see it in the way she felt threatened by your appearance.

He sometimes wished that his stupid prick would just work, so that he could give Freydis a part of him properly.

But sadly, he couldn’t.

And Freydis’ badly hidden sadness didn’t help, as she set beside him in bed, comfortably.

“Did you have fun?” she asked softly, as she turned to him, meanwhile he plugged in his phone and set up the alarm for the following day, pretty late since it was Saturday.

“Yes, I did” he mumbled, as he unbuckled his braces, having helped Eric through his, before he got him to swallow his medicine “… it was tiring but satisfying”.

“It’ll be definitely useful for the future” commented gingerly Freydis, as she moved to grab one of his hands, and pushed it onto her barely rounded stomach, as she smiled up to him “… you seemed a pretty amazing dad with Eric”.

“Ahh I am just trying my best” he commented, as he moved to face her, finally slipping under the covers, as he switched off the main lights, keeping on only the lamp on the bedside table “… he is a sweet boy”.

“That he is” she replied, although he could see that Freydis’ face was a bit shadowed “… (Y/N) did an amazing thing… and all on her own!”.

He didn’t know why but Freydis’ words hit him profoundly, stroking a rage on his chest, because he couldn’t help but feel like they had a double-meaning.

As if they weren’t exactly truthful.

But he tried to ignore it.

Freydis had honestly every right to be angry at him for what had happened with you, and he’d tolerate it, because he had done wrong in not telling her and in keeping things from her.

But he wouldn’t regret you or Eric.

He certainly wouldn’t have, when speaking with Freydis seemed so insidious.

He remembered the soft exchange of words before you had left Eric to him, the easiness with which he was starting to speak with you again, as you smiled softly, taking care of your child as if it was the most brilliant thing ever.

Not that you didn’t have awkward moments.

But talking with you had always been as easy as breathing with him.

And he had thought that he would have felt the same with Freydis this, but slowly… he just…

He again hoped that the child and the wedding would change everything, because he was so damnably in love with Freydis: she was the woman of his dreams and the woman he had always wanted.

But at the same time, he couldn’t deny that some parts of him still loved you.

And that wasn’t something that was ever going to change now that you were with him.

And this might be quite troublesome.

He brought Freydis closer to him, softly shushing her and wishing her ‘goodnight’, as he switched off the lamp on the bedside table and tried to rest his mind.

But sadly, there wasn’t any rest for the wicked.

---

The following morning you came to pick up Eric.

You didn’t look exactly ‘awake’, but from the look on your face and the huge sunglasses you were wearing, Ivar assumed that you had probably partied a bit last night.

And some part of him, which he quickly shoved down, couldn’t help but be… jealous and possessive of you, although he laid no claim to you.

You were a free woman, who was more than allowed to do what you wanted.

And he had a fiancé.

And a child on the way.

And yet he asked himself whether you had been hanging out with a simple friend or you had brought somebody home.

He justified as simple worry for Eric and his wellbeing.

He didn’t want him to grow among unknown men crashing on your couch.

As Freydis saw you, she immediately offered you coffee again, being shut down by a soft ‘no’, as Eric immediately appeared in the kitchen in his superhero pajama, shooting himself in your arms, as you giggled a bit startled.

“Hey, little captain America, I was gone just for a day” but with the way your lips crooked up he knew that you were happy that he had missed you “… but I am glad to see you too”.

And then you shot up a quick look at Freydis and Ivar, who were sat down on the kitchen table readying everything for breakfast.

“… I hope he wasn’t too much to handle” you apologized softly as he gently asked to be picked up, which you did as if it was the most normal thing.

“He was a complete sweetheart” answered Freydis for both, because Ivar was completely taken aback by the motherly charm you were exuding, interrupted by Freydis’ loving hands settling on his “… wasn’t he?”.

“He was” added Ivar, as he insisted for you to join them for breakfast, since Eric had woken up late, alongside his parents, so it’d take him a bit for getting ready “… and you really look like you could use a cup of coffee”.

“… maybe” you agreed, eventually letting go of your monkey who set himself on the table, meanwhile Freydis collected another chair for you, as she asked to Eric what he preferred to eat for breakfast.

“… and you aren’t allowed to say ice cream” reprimanded him softly Ivar, immediately getting a pout from his child, showing him that a bit of ‘his most annoying’ genes had been passed down to the boy, alongside his pretty eyes “… but we have the corn flakes you like, don’t we Freydis?”.

The woman immediately nodded, as she passed you the chair, for which you thanked her, asking if you could help her with something, as she asked if you could help her with coffee, already getting a few mugs out.

The breakfast was calm, although an awkward silence filled the air, meanwhile you spoke softly with Eric, checking if he had taken his medicine and if his legs had hurt the previous night, as he excitedly told you about how he had taught Ivar new soccer moves.

“Oh it is good that you are making him do some exercise” you mumbled jokingly, as you turned to Ivar “… or he wouldn’t get enough nonr, he used to avoid PE as if it was the plague”.

“That was low” replied Ivar darkly, but his eyes sparkled with amusement, as he felt Freydis scrunching up her eyebrows, unaware of this, as Eric just asked if he could also ‘skip PE’.

“… and it backfired” you commented as you proceeded to explain to Eric the importance of PE, as Freydis kept on throwing daggers at Ivar, with her eyes, which he ignored, till you eventually had to leave, offering to help Eric pack up.

“Is there anything else that you haven’t told me?” asked Freydis, as she linked one of her arms with his.

“I don’t think, sweetheart” he tried to escape this awkward conversation “… we used to be best friends, so it is pretty normal that she knows those things about me”.

“Well yeah, that’s what best friends are there for, isn’t it?” she asked what looked like a trap question and he simply nodded, immediately taking the chance to accompany you to the car.

Where another harsh conversation was to be held.

You set up Eric on the back of the car, helping him to get out of his braces and his seat, as Ivar held the door for you, eventually managing to face you as you checked a bit more on how Eric had felt and if he had created any trouble.

“.. and I have to ask you another favor”,

“Is this about coming to Thanksgiving to your mother?” you surprised him, and he had to take a few minutes before he replied to you.

“… ahem… how do you…?”.

“Sigurd…” you explained, as he immediately was annoyed “… I met him for a coffee, yesterday…”.

“You met with Sigurd?” he asked you, extremely confused.

And he had to admit it, slightly annoyed.

“He was my friend, before we were even friends!” you retorted, catching his tone, almost as if you were justifying yourself “… and my answer is that I’ll think about it”.

“My mom is just… excited about having a grandchild” he mumbled, almost as if he was the one who had to justify himself.

“She just has to wait for another seven months and she’ll get one” you commented, with a tiny knowing smirk that he had always found the sexiest “… and she doesn’t even like me, even more now that she knows about Eric, probably…”.

“She never hated you!” replied exasperated Ivar “… and she is excited to see Eric, but… I understand if you don’t feel like that”.

“I’ll think about it” you simply repeated again, before saluting him, as you got in the car, making Eric wave at him, till you were lost in the horizon.

And he couldn’t help but hate the thought of you leaving.

---

Eric sang for the entire on the road back home, much to your hangover head.

But you were glad to have him back in your arms.

Although a night without him had been quite more pleasurable than you had thought…

… till the following morning you had woken up with a full-blown hangover, some random guy’s number in your phone with the note ‘call me’, although you were sure that you’d never do it.

In fact, not even a few harmless chats with the guys in the club that Angelika had brought you in had broken you away from your attraction towards Ivar.

Hence you had grown quite heavy with the alcohol.

But at least the hangover had avoided making you think about him.

Maybe you should have seriously thanked Angelika.

Although you doubted she’d be up right now, since not only her son was at her father’s house on the weekends, but she had gone back home with a pretty young thing last night, after she had accompanied you back home.

Your mother had caught you in your stumbling steps and had simply helped you to settle in bed, mumbling something about ‘having enough children, these days’ but she had left water by your beside table.

Which you had needed, because you had woken up with a sore throat, suddenly remembering about the first time you had drunk something remotely alcoholic.

It had happened at the Lothbrocks’ house.

They had always bene a terrible influence on you.

Ragnar had come back from one of his ‘trips’ and he had brought over a bottle of some awful Nordic liquor, which you had downed alongside the brothers as you played a rather version of ‘never have I ever’.

And luckily for you, half of the questions where sexual, so you had drunk.

A lot.

To the point that Ivar had insisted on you staying over, before you were even together.

Not that he had much choice, you had fallen asleep on his bed a few minutes after he had bought you to his room.

It had been the first of many nights spent together.

And the missing figure of his body against you, hurt you.

A month ago, you wouldn’t have cared.

But having Ivar so close to you and Eric…

… it almost made you think about what you could have been.

And what he would be with Freydis’ child.

You were truly happy for her.

She was sweet and gorgeous, what more could Ivar want?

A single mom who was a complete and utter mess wasn’t seriously something anybody might have been interested in.

Eric called out your name and you immediately shook yourself from your thought, realizing that you had actually arrived home.

“Oh Gosh” you were glad that your own hands had been much more functional than your awful brain “… we are here, already”.

“Mommy, are you hurt?” asked worried Eric, seeing you grimacing a bit because of the tiredness in your limbs.

Honestly, it wasn’t supposed to be that heavy on you.

You weren’t that old after all… you hoped.

“No, no sweetie” ‘my heart just decided to break itself on useless memories’ “… what about you? Do your legs bother you?”.

“No no” he chanted, with a happy smile on his face “… I am just a bit tired”.

“Are you saying that because you are truly tired or because you don’t want to do your homework?”.

“Daddy didn’t make me do any homework yesterday!” he tried to protest, just to be frozen by your harsh gaze.

Even hangover you knew how to handle the temper he had inherited from Ivar.

“… and that is why you shall do some today” you commented, as you moved to exit the car and collect him, helping him with his braces and in getting up, as he brought his backpack with him “… not too many, if you promise not to protest too much”.

“I swear that I won’t talk as Loki, when they stitched his mouth close” he promised, zipping his mouth, as you sent him a worried look.

“A rather gruesome story…” she mumbled softly “… I’ll have a talk with your father about it”.

“He said you wouldn’t have approved” he commented, with that smartass smirk his father had as well.

“… but he still told you” you grumped more on yourself than on anything else.

You and Eric arrived at home, your mother welcoming you back, as she hugged her beloved grandchild, something that reminded you of the conversation that you had last had with Ivar about Aslaug.

Your mother loved Eric with all her heart, it was her grandchild.

And had the situation been reversed, had you been the one who had just discovered of your child… you would have wanted your mother to know him.

In the end Ivar would always do as he preferred.

And get people to bow for him.

Part of you wanted to almost refuse his offer to let Aslaug meet your son, because of that.

But… it wouldn’t have been fair… to the poor woman.

As much as you didn’t find particular interest in Aslaug and in her liking you, your younger self had always tried to appease to her, both because she meant so much to Ivar, but also because you admired her.

She was a single mom too, with four children, one of which born with a rare genetic disease, handling an absent father and constant fights among her children.

And she always looked damnably classy, with her stylish clothes and her ironic gaze.

You had always been scared of her.

And you were still, a bit.

But you had grown.

You were yourself a single mother, maybe less stylish than her.

You were doing it for her, not for Ivar.

And that was what you kept on saying to yourself, as you asked to a wondering Eric.

“Would you like to know your other grandma, little one?”.

---

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[emmy-writes-sometimes]

Oh, Baby!

You and Sebastian have been waiting for almost an entire year to adopt a baby. What happens when the call finally comes? 

-

           You stood up from the door you’d just painted and sighed. It looked good. You’d taken painter’s tape and put it in a geometric pattern. There was really nothing else to do with the door until you could put a sign on it with the baby’s name. If you ever got one, that was.

           You and Sebastian had been married for two years, together for three before that. He was the absolute love of your life. You wanted the world for him and he wanted the same for you. And when you found out you couldn’t have the children you’d always dreamed of, you’d decided to give adoption a chance. You’d been on the list for a year. Last month you’d been told to prepare a room, so you did. It was absolutely beautiful by the time you were done with it – it was right across the hallway from the office, so you and Sebastian could go check on the baby. It was gender neutral, even though you both wanted a girl. And then the day came to go get the baby and the mother changed her mind.

           Now you were waiting, again, on the list. You were waiting and waiting. This time, though, you’d decided to adopt from Romania. It was where Sebastian was from and they had so many babies and children that needed a home, and every time you’d heard Sebastian’s mother talk about Sebastian there your heart had skipped a few beats. But you still couldn’t help but think that maybe you weren’t getting picked because people thought you wouldn’t be good parents. And it was slowly breaking you, little by little, so much so that you’d taken the leftover paint from the nursery and painted over the white door. It brightened up the hallway, that was for sure.

           “What on Earth did you just do?” You turned around to see a smile on Sebastian’s face. He’d been gone filming for most of the day. In fact, you hadn’t even seen him since the night before. He was training for another movie, too, and left before the crack of dawn. Luckily, though, the filming was almost over and then he’d be all yours for another few months.

           “I got bored so I painted the door,” you said with a shrug.

           “It looks amazing.” You stood up. Sebastian turned you around and captured your lips in a kiss, but you pushed him away with your elbows.

           “I have paint all over me, Seb,” you giggled.

           “Yeah, I know. I like it.”

           “And hopefully, someday soon, a baby will.” Sebastian’s face fell, and yours did too.

           “Sweetheart, we’ll get a call when we get a call.”

           “And what if we don’t?”

           “Someone’s got to have a baby,” he said as he pulled your hands to wrap them around his waist. You hugged him back with a sigh. “And one of these days our names are going to come up on that list. And we’ll get a call. And we’ll fly there. And then we’ll have a baby. I promise.”

           “But what if they decide we’re not fit or whatever?”

           “They’ve checked both of the houses out half a dozen times. We’re good to go, honey. We just have to wait our turn.” You sighed again as he kissed your hair. “And until then, how about you help me bring in the groceries I just got?”

-

           It was two weeks later before you even thought about it again, and before you ended up at that door again. This time it was just because there was a draft in the hallway and you realized that Sebastian had opened the window last night. So you walked in, and the breakdown started. You ended up in the old rocking chair Sebastian had gotten from his mom’s house, one he’d had since he lived in Romania, and you were crying your eyes out by the time he found you.

           “I just want a family so bad, Seb,” you said softly as he stood in front of you, taking your hands.

           “Yeah, sweetie, I know,” he responded. “We’re a family, okay? And you and me and the dog are going to get our baby. Whether it’s tomorrow or next week or next month or… whenever. We’ll get our baby.” You nodded, sniffling, and tried to stop crying.

           “I just wish I could stop having breakdowns over this.” You tried to smile, but it didn’t work.

           “Next thing you know, our kid will be going to elementary school and you’ll have a breakdown over that.” You swatted at his shoulder. “What? It’s true, you cry at everything.”

-

           “Hello?” You didn’t even turn your head at the sound of Sebastian’s phone ringing. He perked up, though, and looked over at you. You turned the book you were reading upside down upon seeing the look on his face. You cocked your head and Sebastian turns his phone over for a second.

           “What?” You asked.

           “Go buy the next tickets to Bucharest,” he said with a smile on his face.

           “What?” At first, none of it made sense. And then it did. He turned back to his phone.

           “Yep. Yes. Yes. We’ll email you our flight itinerary and meet you at the airport,” he said. “And we’ll have all of our things with us. Right. Thank you, so much. Bye.”

           “Well?”

           “There’s a baby waiting for it’s new parents in Bucharest!” He said loudly, scooting to your side of the couch to hug you tightly. You’d never felt so happy in your entire life. You’d never felt so relieved, either.

           “Ours?”

           “Ours. Go, go, get the tickets! I’ll pack!” You jumped off the couch and out of Sebastian’s arms with a squeal and ran into the office to turn on the computer.

           In an hour and a half you were loading your carry-on bags and the baby’s things into the back of your Uber. The driver looked a little confused as to why you had so many things for a baby except for the baby yourselves, but didn’t question it. You just sat in the back with Sebastian and tried not to squeal from excitement again. You’d been reading blog after article on website after website about other people’s adoption stories and even though you weren’t trying to get your hopes up, nobody better take a baby away from you after making you come all the way to Romania.

           “Passports?” Sebastian asked as you walked into the airport, looking for your airline’s kiosk station. You handed the bundle of passports to him, taking the baby carrier. “If we get separated, just meet me at the gate. We had half an hour after security, so I’ll get the coffee and you get the snacks.”

           “You’ve been planning this out for awhile.”

           “You’re not the only one who’s been waiting for ages upon ages for a mini-me. Go.” He watched as you printed out your boarding pass and checked in, doing the same on his own kiosk. Everything went smoothly – you went through security, got Sebastian’s favorite snacks, got your favorite snacks from the next booth over, and then met Sebastian at your gate. He’d checked everything aside from your backpacks and was sitting down, holding a carton of two iced coffees.

           “I got extra espresso in yours,” he said.

           “And that’s why I’m adopting a child with you.” He smiled.

           “And remember. If you don’t like me after a month, it’s not like we can return it.” You scoffed.

           “I could just tell customs you have a bomb in your pants.”

           “You wouldn’t!” He shoved you as you took your iced coffee from him, almost causing you to spill it.

           “I would after that.” You both shut up and waited for your flight to start boarding.

           It was a thirteen hour long flight, and it was endless. The entire time you were getting up and down to walk around the plane, to go to the bathroom, then wander back to your seat. Sebastian took a pill and was out, but you were there, the entire time, smiling to yourself and dreaming about the baby that was finally about to be yours.  

-

           “Oh, my God,” you heard Sebastian breathe out when he stepped inside the hospital room, looking at the baby in the farthest crib to the left.

           “This is Victoria,” the nurse said in a thick accent as she walked you two over there to meet her. “I understand you’re the adoptive parents?”

           “Yeah,” you breathed out. The baby was as beautiful as you could’ve imagined. She had blue eyes, like Sebastian’s, and that was when you knew it must be fate.

           “You’re allowed to change the name, of course, if there’s something else you’d prefer.” You thought about the name and looked at Sebastian. “Would you like to hold her?”

           “You go first,” you said to Sebastian, when you saw that he was actually starting to cry. You just put a hand on his back, insisting, and the nurse quickly showed Sebastian how to hold her. “I don’t know. We’ve had all this time and never even thought of a name.”

           “I don’t mind Victoria,” Sebastian said, looking over at you. “Victoria…”

           “Georgeta,” you interrupted. “After your mom.”

           “Only if we do Elizabeth after. For your mom.” You smiled.

           “I don’t know, Seba, it’s a long name.” Sebastian held the baby tightly, swinging her over to face you.

           “I think she looks like a Victoria Georgeta Elizabeth Stan,” Sebastian said with a grin. “Huh?” You could see the beginning of dark hair on the baby’s head and reached your hand out. The baby gripped onto your thumb with her tiny fingers. Your heart skipped a beat again.

           “Yeah,” you said. Sebastian kissed the baby’s head like he did yours. “Almost as pretty as her.”

           “Almost as pretty as you.” Sebastian offered you the baby. “I’ll go sign the papers so we can go take our baby home.”

           “Our baby,” you repeated. He closed the distance between you and kissed you.

           “Ours.”

A/N: I hope the person who requested this loves reading it as much as I loved writing it! Like, the things I would give to have Sebastian’s children... not to be too thirsty or anything.  

[itubainaretro]

Like the rivers feed the sea know that you, are all that I will need

In a parallel universe coronavirus was still a thing but Robbe and Sander stayed together during lockdown.

OR

Little snippets of Robbe and Sander's life during lockdown.

read it on AO3 or under the cut (5.8k)

When news broke that the cases of coronavirus were spreading faster by the day and that Belgium was headed towards a lockdown because they’ve been hit hard by the pandemic Sander and Robbe didn’t know how they would go on about the situation - they didn’t know if they would spend the lockdown together or apart, each one with their own families. They only knew that they had to make a decision and stick to it, cause they shouldn’t be roaming around the streets of Antwerp after a certain date.

They talked about it with their moms, both of them telling them they were free to choose for themselves and if they wanted to spend it together they were welcome whichever home they decided was best for them.

Robbe told Sander he wanted them to be wherever they felt most comfortable being. He knew how important it was for Sander to be in the familiarity of his own home and room, and he also knew they were about to face something bigger than them and totally unpredictable, so he didn’t want to add to that the anxiety that being out of your comfort zone could bring.

And ok, they had spent the night at each other’s places before, but they could always come and go whenever they pleased, so having to decide where they needed to stay for good for almost a month - at least - seemed like something big and even though Sander agreed that maybe it was better to stay at his own house, he didn’t want to make Robbe choose between him and his own mother. Robbe didn’t have to say anything for him to know that he didn’t want to leave his mama alone in times like these, so they decided to stay at Robbe’s house.

Sander didn’t worry too much about his mama, since she would still have his father and little sister, Cara, to keep her company, so he packed a bag with all the essential things he would need for the foreseeable future - clothes (not too many of those, since Robbe cleared out one of his drawers to give it to him recently and he had plenty of stuff at his place already), toiletries (he needed to change the toothbrush he left at Robbe’s anyway), books, his pencils and charcoal, his sketchbook, his school stuff, his notebook and camera -  and went.

-

In the beginning, it felt like they were still in school and that everything was as it always has been (minus the not going out part) with all the school work both of them got from their professors, so they focused on that first, but as the days went by they had less and less work to do and almost too much time on their hands so it almost started feeling like they were on vacation.

-

At first, it felt great, having that much time to do anything they wanted to, just them, so they started by binge watching Netflix because Elite’s latest season had just come out and Robbe insisted that Sander watched it with him. Sander rolled his eyes at him when he suggested it, but later on, admitted he saw the first and second seasons and kinda loved it. 

They watched the whole season in one day.

-

After catching up with all the series they were behind, they moved on to movies that had made their way into their To Watch list throughout the time they’ve been together. There were quite a few, from different genres, going from Lady and the Tramp because, “how on earth have you never watched it, Sander? you have a little sister and you were a kid once in your life too, you know? Besides, it’s a classic”, to Ferris Bueller’s Day Off because, “this movie shaped me as a rebel, Robbe”, ‘what are we gonna do?’ ‘the question isn’t what are we going to do, the question is: what aren’t we going to do?’, Sander quoted to prove his point and finished saying, “this is a classic, love”.

Their favorite one was a brazilian movie, called Hoje Eu Quero Voltar Sozinho, that Robbe had already seen once and mentioned it to Sander in one of their various conversations about movies, a long time ago. 

They were enjoying the song playing while the credits rolled when Sander asked softly why Robbe chose that particular movie.

“The first time I watched it was when I was starting to wonder about my sexual orientation and thinking that maybe I was not as straight as I thought I was”, Robbe started with a hushed voice. “It was a very difficult time for me, as you know it, and things at home weren’t that great either.... and this movie was the only spark of love and hope that I saw in the middle of all that chaos and self-hatred that I felt inside - it was the only thing telling me that maybe things would be okay, and I wanted to share the feeling with you”, he finished, bashfully. 

Sander’s eyes were filled with tears when he pulled Robbe closer to tell him how much he loved him and how proud he was of the person he became. He kissed every part of Robbe’s face he could reach: his eyes, his cheeks, his nose, his chin, and finally his lips.

After some time, Sander grabbed his phone and typed something and the same song from the ending scene and credits started playing and Sander pulled Robbe up from the bed. 

“Come on, we’re going to dance.”

“No.”

“Yes.”

“No.”

“Yes.”

“No.”

“Yes.”

And who was Robbe to say no to Sander when there was indeed too much love to go around these days?

-

They read some books too, each boy with their own, at first.

As the days went by, though, they grew tired of being in silence together, so after finishing their respective books they agreed on one they would read together, aloud.

As per Sander’s request, Robbe was the one to read it.

“Please? Your voice is soothing”, Sander smiled at Robbe, “I like listening to it, it’s like music to my ears.”

“Shut up”, Robbe rolled his eyes fondly and shook his head, smiling.

“It’s true, though. You do have a nice voice”, Sander reaffirmed, a smile never leaving his lips.

So he read from the book they chose, one hand holding the book, the other playing with Sander’s hair from where his head was resting on his lap.

“Good morning, he said.

Be at home in your head.

Make sure joy is well fed.

Don’t let dread hog the bed.

Good night now, and rest.

Today was a test.

You passed it, you’re past it.

Now breathe till unstressed.

Good morning, stunner.

You’re just getting started.

Your age doesn’t matter.

The sun is up, the day is new.

You’re just getting started.

Good night, stunner.

You’re just getting started.

Your age doesn’t matter.

The stars are out, the night is warm.

You’re just getting started.

Good morning.

Good gracious.

Your smile is

contagious.

Good night then.

Good gracious.

You’re one

for the ages….”

When Robbe finished reading the poem and closed the book, Sander was already looking at him when he looked down.

They met halfway in a soft kiss.

You are loved and we like having you around.

-

As the days went by, things started shifting. 

The days seemed longer and duller, there seemed to be a cloud of uncertainty hovering over their heads, the amount of information they were always receiving on the news seemed like too much. They missed the feeling of fresh air on their faces, they missed going to the skate park or seeing street art around Antwerp.

Everything felt like too much and not nearly enough at the same time. Too much information, too much bad news. Not enough space to roam around, not enough fresh air, not enough freedom. And Robbe’s mama was the first one to notice.

Robbe and Sander seemed quieter than usual, no music, no fits of laughter - usually heard from the kitchen three rooms away from Robbe’s room - were coming from there.

She went to check on them and upon seeing their frowny and preoccupied faces, took the matter into her own hands and decided to ask them for their help to prepare dinner.

They usually helped with setting up the table and cleaning after they ate, but she wanted them to keep their minds off of everything for as long as they could, so purposefully choosing something that would take them hours to get made, she decided their dinner would be pasta. Made from scratch.

They spent the entire afternoon preparing everything and didn’t even notice how time flew by while they were cooking, talking, and keeping busy enough to not have to deal with the outside world.

After cleaning up the kitchen they headed to their respective rooms and fell asleep quite instantly from how exhausted they were.

It was a good day, after all.

-

Some days later Sander’s mum called, claiming Cara, Sander’s four-year-old sister, missed her big brother too much and wouldn’t stop complaining about it.

Robbe and Sander spent almost the entire day facetiming her.

They talked about everything, engaged on her games the best way they could while being separated by a screen, watched Moana at the same time so they could talk about it with her, and finished their day by reading her a bedtime story, with Sander and Robbe making the funniest voices possible for each character to make her go to sleep with a smile on her face.

-

Later that week, Sander first noticed something was wrong when he turned around and saw Robbe - always the first one of them to wake up early in the morning - still in bed, cocooned by all their blankets, even though it was past 10 am. 

Noticing how the pattern of his breathing didn’t seem as even as it would be if he was asleep, Sander realized Robbe has probably been awake for quite some time already. 

“Good morning”, Sander said after dropping a soft kiss on Robbe’s shoulder. 

Robbe hummed and after what felt like a million years muttered a quiet, “Morning”.

“Did you sleep well, love?”

Robbe only nodded and that was enough for Sander to understand Robbe probably didn't feel like talking - they’ve known each for long enough to notice the little things and knew better than to push. 

After some time Robbe turned around until he was face to face with Sander and pulled the other boy closer, hiding his face on Sander’s neck and soon enough Sander felt tears leave his boyfriend’s eyes, leaving a wet trail on his neck and t-shirt. 

“Hey, it’s okay, I’m here. We’ll be alright”, Sander tried calming Robbe down, rubbing soothing circles on his back with the tips of his fingers, “It’s going to be alright”.

Robbe’s voice was hoarse when he said a few minutes later, “Logically, I know that. It’s just I’m-”, Sander felt Robbe’s voice breaking before he even heard him, “I’m worried. I’m always so worried. About my mama, about you. I don’t want to lose either of you, but this fucking virus… it’s messing with my head”.

“Robbe, baby, we’re safe here. We’re all safe. Your mama and I aren’t going anywhere, okay, love? We’re right here. With you”, Sander tried reasoning with the gentlest voice he could muster. Robbe nodded but Sander could still feel his tears falling down his eyes freely, so he tried a new approach.

“What if you and I play a game?” Sander asked. “I believe you already know the rules and I’m almost certain you were the one who taught me how to play it. It’s called Sander and Robbe, minute by minute”, he said gently, smiling when Robbe looked at him, eyes still gleaming with tears. 

After Robbe nodded, Sander continued, “In the next minute we’re just going to lie here and breathe together, is that okay?”

When Robbe nodded again, Sander took his hand and placed it on his chest so they could match their breathing. Robbe grabbed Sander’s hand and put it over his own heart and there they stayed for the next minute.

When their breathing was even Robbe asked quietly, “In the next minute, can I kiss you?”

Sander didn’t even bother answering, grabbing hold of Robbe’s jaw and pressing their lips softly together instead.

In the next minute, Robbe seemed much more settled and calm, so they just stayed there, lying together in bed, Robbe’s head tucked on Sander’s neck, Sander’s hand playing with his hair.

Neither of them noticed they had fallen asleep again, so Robbe was surprised to wake up to an empty bed next to him hours later.

Only it wasn’t that empty when he looked closer and found a card placed on Sander’s pillow, with Sander’s careful handwriting on both sides.

I know it’s not much, but I want you to know that we’ll get through this together, baby. It’s you and me against the world, forever, in all universes. 

We’ll be fine.

I love you.

PS: I’m waiting for you in the tv room with your chamomile tea 

And that was just how Robbe found Sander later, in the tv room, like he promised, with his chamomile tea, watching a movie with Robbe’s mama.

Sander made space for Robbe to plaster himself against him on the couch and passed him his tea once Robbe was settled. At Robbe’s surprised face at the tea still being warm Sander explained, “You always go to the bathroom to wash your hands and face after you wake up, no matter what, so I put the kettle on when I heard you”.

God, Robbe loved him so much. 

He smiled.

They would be alright.

-

It wasn’t the easiest thing in the world to keep that mindset, but they tried, and even though the days seemed to be getting impossibly bluer as the news didn’t get any better and there was no indication of when everything would go back to normal, there were some good things that happened that helped them keep their hopes up. 

Like when they found a family of four kittens near their garage one Thursday morning.

Eileen was making coffee and Sander and Robbe were setting up the table for breakfast, talking about the last movie they’ve seen, when Robbe heard a sound coming from outside their home.

He looked up at her and said, “Mama, did you hear this noise?”

“What noise, dear?”, Eileen asked, turning around. “I heard something coming from outside, I think there’s something in the garage.” “What are you talking about, Robbe?”, Eileen was still confused. “I heard it too, actually”, Sander chimed in.

Robbe scrunched up his eyebrows when he heard another sound and both Sander and Eileen looked at the door. 

They went outside and started looking for the source of the noise. 

Near their garage there was a small spot in the wall reserved for pots of plants, where Eileen usually left a nice vase with colorful flowers to brighten up the place. That spot was now empty. Well, not exactly empty, but lacking flowers, more like.

Instead of the usual flowers occupying said place, there now stood three little kittens, while one was trying to climb up the wall, trying to get closer to their family. That explained the noise they heard, as the vase that once stood there was now shattered on the floor. 

They tried gently approaching the kittens, Sander and Eileen being the only ones to succeed, and when the kittens finally trusted them enough to let themselves be taken by the pair, the three of them walked back inside, hands full of cute kittens.

Eileen took care and examined each one of them, paying close attention to see if any of them had any injury or needed medical care, but they were all fine and healthy, so they fed them and played with them, forgetting about breakfast.

Almost an hour later, when Robbe’s stomach grumbled and the kittens were half asleep on their laps they got up and went to the kitchen to finally have breakfast, leaving the kittens sleeping on a makeshift bed Eileen had put up with some old cushions and sheets she had laying around somewhere around the house.

“They need names”, Robbe said as soon as he sat on the table and poured himself a cup of coffee.

They had discussed the possibility of keeping the kittens earlier, when they were still playing with them, and for the time being, Eileen agreed to it, asking the boys for help to take care of them.

“They do”, Eileen agreed. “Any suggestions?”, she looked at Robbe and Sander.

“Freddie, Roger, Brian and John”, Sander said easily, a smile plastered on his face.

Robbe raised his left eyebrow. “Really?”

Sander nodded.

“I’m surprised you didn’t suggest Bowie 1, Bowie 2, Bowie 3, and Ziggy Stardust”, Robbe teased.

Sander stuck his tongue out at Robbe and both Robbe and his mama laughed.

“I like it, Sander”, Eileen smiled at him. “Thank you.”

Sander stuck his tongue out at Robbe again.

“Shut up”, Robbe rolled his eyes at him but couldn’t help smiling.

They listened to Queen the whole afternoon.

-

Robbe wished all days could be as easy as the day the kittens were found and the days that followed them, when each day one of them learned how to do a new thing and everyone was endeared by them and the days passed by in the blink of an eye, filled with laughter, warmth, and happiness, but unfortunately, it wasn’t the case.

A week and a half later Robbe noticed how everything was starting to catch up with his mama and things became kind of too much for her as well. 

He noticed it during breakfast, when all of them were gathered around the table, still half asleep, eating croques made by Sander and drinking coffee. She looked like she was in another world completely, her eyes missing that natural glint that always assured Robbe that things would be fine. He worried for her and because of her, but he also knew that there was not much he could do. 

He just wished things could be easier for her.

-

A couple of days went by and Robbe’s mama still didn’t feel that well, spending most of the time in her room, only leaving to make them food or occasionally go to the bathroom.

Sander saw how worried Robbe was so he asked him if there was anything they could do to help her, or if there was anything she liked to do when she felt down, like he liked to immerse himself into his art when he was having bad days, Eileen probably had something that took her mind off of things when she felt down as well. So Robbe wrecked his brain trying to think of something until he remembered.

“She likes gardening”, Robbe smiled, thinking about all the times he found his mama caring for the flowers of their garden when he was a little kid. It has probably been ages since Robbe last helped her and just the thought of it made something break inside Robbe’s chest.

“I have no idea how to do any of this, but maybe we can try? For her?”, Sander was already rummaging through his clothes to find something comfortable to wear.

God, Robbe really loved him. He nodded and after changing into some old clothes that were bound to get dirty he dragged Sander to the garden, looking for where they kept the gardening things they would need. 

After some hours, a lot of dirt staining their clothes and a garden that looked half arranged, they heard some noises coming from the inside of the house and some minutes later Eileen opened the door to the garden and made a surprised noise. As she got closer to them, Freddie, Roger, Brian, and John, or Queen, as the four of them were often called now, following close behind, Robbe noticed she had a smile on her face and looked a bit more rested.

“We know it’s not much and that we’re probably not doing it the right way, but we tried”, Robbe broke the silence, shrugging his shoulders.

“And if you want to help us finish it, you’re more than welcome, Eileen”, Sander added. “And if you also want to show us a better, more efficient, and less messy way to do it we would love to learn”, he finished smiling, pointing to their dirty clothes as a way to emphasize what he was saying.

Eileen smiled at them both and after giving each boy a hug she pulled her sleeves up and got to work, showing them how to care for the plants and the flowers and how to turn the slight mess they made into a beautiful garden.

They spent the rest of the day gardening and when they were finished with it, Sander got his camera and they had a little photoshoot in the freshly revived garden, all of them still dirty, with the kittens running around causing mayhem.

Eileen loved them more than she could put into words.

-

The days seemed to be more hopeful after that.

There were still bad days in the middle of the good ones, but they helped each other get through it and they knew they would make it.

-

Before they knew it, it was Sander’s birthday and Robbe had a day filled with surprises planned for him.

It started with Robbe and his mama getting up earlier than they usually did to bake Sander a birthday cake. They decided on the chocolate cake because Robbe knew it was Sander’s favorite and he still remembered that one time he called Sander basic for liking chocolate cake and earned himself a full lecture on why the chocolate cake was anything but. 

After they put the cake in the oven Robbe prepared a tray of food to take to their room so Sander could eat breakfast in bed. All of Sander’s favorites were there: croques, pancakes, orange juice, berries, and black coffee. After managing to securely hold everything into the tray he made his way to his mama’s garden and plucked one of the beautiful flowers that had blossomed in the past week, with her permission of course, and decorated the tray and made his way to his (and now Sander’s) bedroom.

As setting everything up took longer than he originally thought it would when Robbe came to their room Sander was already awake, still laying in bed, lazily scrolling through his phone, probably answering people’s birthday wishes, and when he saw Robbe he smiled.

“Good morning, angel.”

Robbe smiled back at him, completely enamored with Sander’s freshly woken up face.  “Good morning, birthday boy”, he came closer to the bed and gave Sander a soft kiss before placing the tray in front of him.

“And what’s this?”, Sander asked, a smile never leaving his face.

“Breakfast in bed for you”, Robbe smiled again.

“It looks delicious, baby”, Sander said, “thank you.” He grabbed Robbe’s neck and pulled him closer to kiss him, getting lost in it. He broke the kiss a few moments later. 

“Is there something burning?”

“Only my desire for you”, Robbe jokingly teased.

“No, Robbe”, Sander said, sniffing the air. “There’s something really burning.” 

“FUCK”, Robbe exclaimed, getting out of bed in a hurry. “Your cake.” He ran to the kitchen to take the burnt cake out of the oven before the kitchen caught on fire and heard Sander laughing, slowly getting out of bed and following him.

Sander got into the kitchen in time to see Robbe with a frown on his face setting the cake pan into the sink, mumbling about how there was no way to salvage the cake anymore.

“I can survive a year without a birthday cake, you know”, Sander tried to soothe Robbe, coming closer to him and setting his hands on his waist. “It’s okay, baby.”

“There’s no way you're not getting a birthday cake today, Sander”, Robbe protested. “You’re already stuck at home, I didn’t even get the chance to get you a nice birthday gift… the least I can do is bake a fucking cake”, he sounded frustrated. “I’m going to ask mama where the recipe and the ingredients are.”

“Hey, relax”, Sander looked into Robbe’s eyes, “it’s alright.” He lowered his voice and whispered into Robbe’s ear, teasingly, “if the cake thing doesn’t happen I’ll still have buns right here”, and gave Robbe’s ass a squeeze, just to make him laugh. 

Robbe didn’t even have time to react before Eileen cleared her throat from where she was standing by the door, holding Freddie in her arms. 

Robbe detangled himself from Sander and tried not to think about his burning cheeks and the clear blush that he was sure was adorning his face. “I burned the cake”, he said quickly.

Eileen laughed. “Yeah, I smelt it.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay, dear, these things happen”, she moved her hand in a nonchalant way, “especially if you’re distracted”, she teased.

Sander barked out a laugh and Robbe glared at him.

“Is it okay if I try to make another one?”

“Of course”, Eileen nodded. “Here’s the recipe.”

“Thank you, mama.”

“Do you need any help?”

Robbe shook his head, “No, thank you. I’ll pay more attention this time”, he promised.

“I’ll help him if he needs anything, Eileen”, Sander reassured.

“Okay, I trust you two”, Eileen smiled at them. “The ingredients are in the cupboard on top of the stove and oh, dear, happy birthday”, she gave Sander a hug before leaving the kitchen.

As soon as his mama was out of earshot Robbe glared at Sander and gave him a punch in the arm. “You’ll still have buns right here? Are you fucking serious?”

Sander tried to stifle his laugh. “I’m sorry, I didn’t think she would hear… or see that for the matter”, he ended up laughing anyway.

“Sander, I live with my mama, what did you expect?” Robbe tried not to laugh.

“I don’t know, she could be in the bathroom, or taking care of Queen, who knows?”

“Clearly not you, you idiot”, Robbe laughed. “You’re the worst”, he shook his head.

“But you love me.”

Robbe sighed. “Unfortunately.”

“Heeeeey”, Sander whined.

“Okay, fortunately”, Robbe relented.

“That’s better”, Sander smiled, already invading Robbe’s personal space once again to give him a kiss.

“Happy birthday, baby”, Robbe wished once again before kissing Sander.

-

There were no more incidents in the kitchen and the chocolate cake Robbe and Sander made turned out to taste delicious, Eileen telling them so after they each ate a piece of it after lunch.

Sander spent the entire day talking to his friends and family, everyone that wanted to wish him a happy birthday, making sure to make an extra call to talk only to Cara because she missed him too much.

Sometime during the afternoon Robbe called for Sander from their bedroom and when Sander got there he was surprised to see all of Robbe’s friends on the screen of his computer shouting surprise when they saw him. The Broerrrs, the girls, and even Milan and Senne were on a Zoom meeting to wish him happy birthday. They all had funny backgrounds and fake balloons to pretend it was a birthday party and Sander couldn’t have been happier about it, thanking all of them after they sang happy birthday and saying it was the best birthday ever.

At night, Robbe cooked dinner and made Sander’s favorite food for them to eat together. 

When everyone was at the table making a plate for themselves Robbe’s mama got up after helping herself.

“Mama? What are you doing?”, Robbe asked, lifting an eyebrow after seeing her grabbing her plate, utensils, and glass of water.

“I’m going to my room so you boys can enjoy the night”, she said matter of factly. 

“Mama.”

“Eileen.” Both boys said together.

“You know you don’t have to do this, Eileen”, Sander shook his head.

“I know, darling, but I want to”, she smiled at them. “You two deserve tonight”, she winked at them.

“Mama….”

“Robbe, dear, it’s alright. It’s one night”, Eileen insisted. “Besides, I won’t be alone, Queen will be there with me and I’ll be listening to music on those nice headphones you so gently lent me”, she turned around, leaving. 

Robbe made a confused face, “I didn’t lend her anything”, he whispered to Sander.

Sander shrugged.

“So enjoy the night”, Eileen yelled from the corridor. “..... and use protection”, she added as an afterthought.

Sander burst out laughing.

“MAMA”, Robbe yelled back, embarrassed.

They enjoyed the night to themselves anyway.

-

Robbe wished that day would never come because seeing Sander sad made him sad, but it did, as it did for his mama and himself during the time they were on lockdown and it was bound to happen to Sander too and it did a few days after his birthday. 

They woke up like they always did at around 8 am and went to the kitchen to have breakfast with Robbe’s mama. They ate together in a comfortable silence and after cleaning their plates Sander told them he was going back to bed because he wasn’t feeling that well and he wanted to sleep it off. Robbe knew better than to push or ask too many questions, so he kissed him on the forehead and sent him off to their room, saying that if he needed anything he would be in the tv room with his mama and Queen.

Robbe spent the entire day with his mama on the couch, working on his school projects and watching some movies when he was done with everything. Occasionally he heard Sander going to the bathroom and then going back to their room, where he stayed the whole day.

Some hours later, when it was already early evening, Robbe got an idea and asked his mama for help and after an hour or so he had everything set up.

Sander woke up and came to the kitchen half an hour later.

“Sorry if we woke you up”, Robbe said, opening his arms to welcome Sander.

“No, you didn’t”, Sander shook his head, nestling himself in Robbe’s embrace. “I was already awake, but I decided to come here when I smelt the popcorn”, he smiled.

Eileen smiled at them. “Well, I think everything is set”, she said while turning off the stove. “You boys enjoy the night and get some rest, okay? I’m going to bed.” She gave each of them a kiss before making her way to her bedroom.

Robbe dismissed Sander’s confused face and asked him how he was feeling.

Sander sighed. “I don’t know. Weird? Today was weird”, he looked at Robbe with downcast eyes. “Everything feels weird, actually.” Ever since that day Robbe found Sander in the Academy all those months ago they promised each other to always tell the truth about how they were feeling, even if they couldn’t exactly explain it themselves or if it didn’t make much sense, and Sander remembered that.

Robbe nodded. “Everything is weird at the moment”, he agreed. “But it’ll pass”, he kissed Sander’s forehead. “And we’ll be okay, okay?”

Sander nodded. 

Robbe gave him another tight hug and after dropping another kiss to his head, whispered in his ear, “Come”.

Robbe took Sander’s hand and led him to the tv room and before getting there he turned around and said, “I have a surprise for you, so close your eyes.” And after he was certain he did, he went behind him and covered his eyes with his own hands because he knew Sander and he knew he would try to sneak a peek.

“Are you ready?”, Robbe asked as soon as they entered the tv room.

After Sander nodded, Robbe took his hands away from his eyes and said, “I know it’s not much, but I hope you like it and that it cheers you up a bit… you can open your eyes now.”

And when Sander did his eyes filled with tears immediately. 

There, in the middle of the tv room, was a blanket fort, decorated with shiny Christmas lights and filled with soft cushions and blankets inside. Netflix was already on and laying on the many blankets there were some food and drinks for them to share. It was something so simple, so small, but it made Sander so happy he couldn’t even form words to thank Robbe.

“You made this for me?”, he finally let out, voice unsteady.

“Mama helped a little”, Robbe smiled.

Sander turned around and hugged Robbe as tightly as he could. “I love you, so much.”

“I love you too.”

They stood there for minutes, just hugging and enjoying each other’s presence until Robbe remembered the popcorn and went to the kitchen to grab it.

When he came back he saw Sander just standing there, looking amazed at their blanket fort.

“Shall we?”, Robbe broke the silence, asking Sander if they should enter the fort and settle down for the night.

After arranging themselves around one another, not even an inch separating them, finding the perfect position to cuddle and watch a movie, Sander thanked Robbe again.

“I still don’t know what I’ve done right in the world to deserve someone like you”, Sander shook his head, forgetting about the movie that was playing for a minute.

 “Please know I feel the same way”, Robbe chuckled, lazily playing with Sander’s hair, soothing them both at once. “I’ll never understand how I managed to have someone as amazing as you by my side, but we did it, and we deserve each other”, he looked down at Sander, finding his gaze from where his head was laying on Robbe’s chest, “because we’re both good and we deserve good things. We deserve each other”, he reassured him.

Sander nodded, tears brimming his eyes once again.

“And we’ll keep doing so every day, baby, no matter what, okay?” Robbe assured. “It’s you and me. 100%. Forever....”

“... in every universe”, Sander agreed.

They kissed each other then.

-

A few days later new measures were taken and people were finally allowed to leave their houses for little walks and exercises outdoors. It wasn’t much, but it was enough to bring a fresh wave of hope that things would somehow be okay eventually, so Robbe and Sander took every opportunity they could get.

They knew things weren’t suddenly back to how they always were, but they took things day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute, just like they’ve been doing since that day Robbe found Sander in his art room at the Academy and they knew that for the time being it was enough.

They had each other and it was enough.

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- first of all thank for reading! i hope you liked it! if you want to, tell me what you think!

- secondly: thank you @ayellowcurtain​ for proof reading this, you’re an angel

- and last but not least:  Hoje Eu Quero Voltar Sozinho is called The Way He Looks in English. The song playing in the credits is There’s too much love - Belle and Sebastian. The book they’re reading together is Gmorning, Gnight!: Little Pep Talks for Me & You by Lin-Manuel Miranda.

[crownjimin]

✰ 076 | not such a bad idea, part two.

la vie en rose ━ in which lee aera, a girl who has been crushing on choi soobin for a long, long time, is starting her junior year and her friends decide that its time for her to make her move.

( masterlist | prev | next )

A bit further down the hallway, Aera spots Soobin leaning against the wall quite leisurely. When he notices Aera approaching, he stands up straight and smiles at her. “The other boys went outside already, I waited back for you.”

The action in of itself made Aera’s heart skip a beat, quite a long one since she felt a pain in her chest from the lack of blood flow. But the gesture was sweet, and Aera smiled a coy smile, before answering, “You didn’t have to.”

“Eh,” Soobin shrugged. “It was my choice.”

The two take small steps down the hallway towards the balcony, almost as if the both of them didn’t want to join the others and stay with one another. An eerie, yet comfortable silence began to form, but Soobin quickly interjected.

“Your house is really nice,” he complimented. “So is your mother. She’s so lively and welcoming.”

Aera grimaced at his word choice, because lively and welcoming did describe her mother perfectly but so did embarrassing and overbearing. “Yeah, she’s quite a lot.”

“I think she’s friendly. Didn’t make the whole meeting the parents thing as scary as I thought.”

The words make Aera stop her walking for a second. “You were scared about meeting my parents?”

She looked up at Soobin, who was looking further down the hallway before he slowly turned to face Aera with a nervous smile on his lips. “Just a bit. I don’t know why though since I should’ve expected your parents to be just as nice and wonderful as you.”

“Wonderful?” she lightly breathes out.

“Well, technically, I’ve only met your mother, maybe your father isn’t as nice, but we will see when the time comes,” Soobin continues, either ignoring Aera’s look of disbelief mixed with another unreadable emotion or just not seeing it. “I’m sure he is nice though.”

Aera remained staring at Soobin for a few seconds, him returning the gaze as they stood in the vacant hallway in silence. No one else around, just the two of them staring at one another both with thinly veiled, heated gazes filled with admiration and fondness for the other. But the two did not know that, to them, they were staring at a friend, someone who did not return the same feelings to the same intensity as the other. If only they knew the truth, if one of then took the initiative to be brave and ask.

But neither did ask, instead Aera broke their gaze and brought her eyes to the floor, “I think he’s nice. Well, at least Appa is more bearable than Eomma. He’s not as forward.”

“Forward isn’t always bad.”

“Sometimes,” she replies. “Sometimes it isn't.”

They continue down the hallway now, both of them syncing up their footsteps. 

“But, hey, I’m guessing Sakura hasn’t tried to kill you yet?” Soobin says with a joking lilt, teasing her for her irrational worries.

Aera scoffs a laugh at that. “Not yet, at least.”

The pair finally make it to the doorway and Aera steps to the right to seat herself at the picnic table, muttering the apology she promised her mother she would deliver. Soobin veered off to the left, taking a place on the sofa with the other three boys who seemed to be deep in the talk about a new album from someone Soobin hadn’t heard of before.

Sakura watched as Aera placed down her laptop and notebook, seemingly expectant for the brown-hair girl to say something that Aera wasn’t sure of. Due to this, she raised an eyebrow at Sakura and asked, “What?”

“You didn’t tell me that you invited other people,” Sakura quietly spoke, peering over to the opposite side of the balcony where Taehyun now stood singing a random tune that seemed to have the other three boys enraptured. “Did you purposely not tell me or?”

“No, I-” Aera knows that she can’t lie well. Whenever she tries either her voice raises over to octaves or she blinks repeatedly, for the worst cases she does both. “Maybe we should just start choosing a song. I’ve made you wait long enough.”

“Yeah,” the other girl agrees, not taking her eye off of Soobin as she speaks, and Aera being sure to take note of the action. “Let’s start.”

Sakura and Aera had made progress within the last hour and a half. They chose their song, one by IU where Sakura felt like it was easy to catch the beat, while Aera thought the lyrics were telling yet easy to remember. They then called up the boys to listen to their presentation, allowing them to give out critiques and feedback to their girls where the four boys found necessary. Although Aera was almost certain Taehyun was using this time to show off his vocal abilities, seeing as each time he found a ‘problem’ with the girls’ singing, he gave them a tutorial on how they should be singing and performing it himself.

A few minutes after the girls had gotten started with their performance for the boys, Aera’s parents brought out the loads of ‘snacks’ that they had prepared. Tteokbokki, jajangmyeon, and fried pork cutlets were just a few of the delicacies that the eldest Lees had prepared for their youngest child and her friends. The moment the food had been set out, the six teenagers began feasting.

For the three new young boys, since he was already familiar with Sanha, they were introduced to Aera’s father. The older man took it upon himself to ask each of them their name and speak with them a bit. He relayed the compliments his wife had spoken to him about, but Aera noticed that her father kept going back to Soobin and asking him questions.

Her mother had sat with the girls at the picnic table, being sure to feed Sakura as much food as she pleased and answered any question the bright-haired girl had about the cooking process. For Aera, being around Sakura for these past few hours weren’t as tortuous as she thought. She had expected snarky comments and backhanded words to be spat her way every ten seconds, but Sakura was actually quite (and Aera can’t believe she was thinking it but--) nice.

Sakura has a voice that’s velvety and smooth when she sings, and whenever Aera would mess up a lyric or sing in the wrong key, Sakura wouldn’t belittle her for her mistake. She would actually pause the music and help Aera go over the line once again. The two girls made a better team than they had thought, and once the group had stuffed themselves full, the two girls resumed their ‘performance’ for the four boys.

They sang the song a total of five times before the girls were deemed ‘flawless’ by the quartet. Although, Jeongin wasn’t paying that much attention and Sanha would say that they were flawless after each time they finished their song. Soon all six of them fell into simple conversation, Sakura squeezing onto the two-seat sofa with Soobin and Taehyun, and Aera sitting comfortably between Jeongin and Sanha on the three-seat couch.

Currently, they were debating whether they were Team Iron Man or Captain America, and majority had voted Team Cap, with Jeongin and Taehyun being the outliers who sided with Iron Man.

“Literally, what does Iron Man have to offer,” Sanha argued, “he’s just a rich man in a suit!”

“Exactly,” Jeongin rebutted. “He’s rich, he has money to offer. Do you guys think the Avengers tower, the hulk iron suit thingy, and so many more of the gadgets the Avengers used would have been created without Tony?”

Soobin shook his head at that. “Well, Ultron wouldn’t have been made without Tony either. He literally caused the entire second Avengers movie.”

“Who’s Ultron?” Sakura asked, and Taehyun agreed with her.

“The robot in Avengers: Age of Ultron,” Aera informed them. “C’mon guys it’s literally in the name!”

“And-and also, Captain America is just better because he could pick up Thor’s hammer in Endgame, like,” Aera paused for a second for dramatic effect. “Iron Man couldn’t do that. That means Steve Rogers is worthy.”

“Well Iron Man freaking saved the world and brought back everyone who was dead leafed away,” Taehyun pointed out. “Steve didn’t do that shit.”

“Dead leafed,” Soobin asked in confusion. “But anyways, Steve Rogers was still alive in the end, Tony wasn’t. There is clearly only one winner.”

“But Steve went back,” Jeongin said.

“He still isn’t dead,” Sanha interrupted. “But I’m not going to say Cap is perfect. He kissed his ex lover’s niece like three days after she died. And then went back to be with that same ex lover, so technically he kissed his niece!”

A chorus of ‘eww’ and ‘gross’ echoed throughout the group, while Sanha simply shrugged and said, “Somebody had to point it out.”

Suddenly a vibrating buzz filled the air, and Sakura stood up from her seat. She grabbed her ringing phone and began talking to whoever was on the other line. None of the boys paid attention to her, but Aera was watching her in case it was time for her to leave. Soon after, Sakura hung up the phone and began packing her stuff.

“My mom said she’s outside,” Sakura spoke to the group, making Aera stand up so she could lead Sakura to the front door.

The four boys all echoed different forms of, “goodbye,” as Sakura finished packing her things, and began heading inside. Aera and Sakura made their way back down the hallway and to the front foyer, standing idly for a few seconds as they prepared their farewells.

“Uh,” Aera began. “Thanks, for coming over. I hope it wasn’t as bad as you thought it was going to be.”

“It wasn’t as bad,” Sakura smiled. “It was actually quite enjoyable, which I never thought I would have had as much fun with someone who I thought was so boring.”

Aera smiled tight-lipped at that, not being sure if she should be offended or grateful. “Thanks? But, yeah, it was fun. At least we got the project done.”

“Yeah,” Sakura placed her hand onto the door handle, pulling it open while still facing Aera. “But really, you’re cool.”

“You too, Sakura.”

“Thanks,” she smiled, turning to leave before she looked back at Aera quickly and said, “Oh! Can you also tell Soobin I’ll text him later? I forgot to say it before I left the balcony.”

The brown-haired girl froze at that statement, a pang of something settling in her chest but she recovers quickly. “Yeah, I’ll tell him when he leaves.”

“Cool. Thanks.”

“Yeah,” Aera watches as Sakura walks from her front door to the passenger seat of her mother’s car. “Bye.”

She makes her way back out to the balcony, expecting to see the four boys still in their same spots, but instead she is only greeted by Jeongin and Sanha.

“Where are the other two,” she asks, taking their previous seats in their absence.

“They went to go help your mom clean the dishes,” Jeongin says through a piece of fried pork cutlet in his mouth, which Aera doesn’t know where he got it from because she was sure they had finished that off first out of all of the dishes. “Y’know to get in her good ranks again.”

“I’m surprised you aren’t in there too, San San.”

Sanha rests back farther in his seat. “Eh, I think it’s time for me to step down from my position of favorite and let someone who deserves it take the crown.”

“Ah, what a humble fellow,” Aera jokes with a posh accent.

“That I am,” Sanha replies, playing along.

Jeongin mutters something under his breath about the two of them being weird just as Taehyun and Soobin return, Soobin sitting beside Aera on the sofa, and Taehyun choosing to join Sanha and Jeongin on the couch. 

A warm silence takes over the group as no one talks, but Aera does take notice of the fact that she and Soobin are merely an inch and a half apart and with the slightest movement of her knee, their knees would be touching. But she doesn’t have to contemplate whether or not she was going to make the first move, seeing as seconds later Soobin moves his own knee, knocking his jean-clad one with her sweatpant clad knee.

The silence seems to thicken for a moment, and neither of them move an inch. Sanha notices the discreet action, taking it upon himself to not make a big deal and he turns to face Jeongin in order to conceal his smile.

Maybe this wasn’t a bad idea after all.

[imagineofallkindsxxx]

Eternal Flame- Kol Mikaelson 7/?

A Hundred Dead Witches!?!

Summary: 'You never know whats in a persons heart until you truly know them' - Belle French, Once Upon a Time

Singing. Thats all what Alexandra Gilbert has cared about since she was young and all she would care about until she met him.

With Alexandra fighting vampires, werewolves and all between she may do a thing she vowed never to do, fall in love.

And to think it all started with a walk in the woods...

Tonight was the night of Illuminations, a town tradition that has been going on for centuries so a group of us had volunteered to help or in my case forced to. While hanging lanterns from the trees Carol Lockwood decided to make a speech to the volunteers deciding to thank the people actually doing the work instead of sitting around making speeches along with introducing Tobias Fell. 

"Remind me why we're here again?" I whispered to Mark but before he could answer Sam butted in. 

"It's my uncle Tobys night, my mom's forcing me to volunteer and I'm sure as hell not doing it on my own." Making me roll my eyes at the bassist. 

  "Yo, what'd I miss" James said coming behind us making me jump out of my skin giving him a push. 

  "Nothing the speech is about to begin." Sam informed him. 

  "The first illumination..." He started, going on about history of the town and the founders. 

"I'm gonna dip. Finish my lantern" I whispered to James making him look at me incredulously. I just looked at him and blew a kiss at the drummer before a quietly and as slyly as possible trying to escape the wrath of Sam Fell who although may look skinny and weak can destroy you. 

When it looked like I was in the clear for now I walked up to Caroline and Bonnie who were tying lanterns to a branch.

"-comment on that." 

"Comment on what?" 

"There. You Commented" 

"I'm confused, what are you commenting?" Asking the duo confused at what is going on and what is being commented. 

"What do you want me to say Caroline?" She asked clearly distressed before finally addressing me "I went against the balance of nature when I brought Jeremy back to life and now, I'm paying the consequences. Whenever he wants to see Anna and she wants to see him, she's still here". Jesus this is fucked up. 

"Bon..." I started looking at her sympathetically before Caroline butts in 

"I want you to tell me you're not okay with it." 

"I'm a thousand times not okay with it. I just don't know what to do about it" she said looking deflated at the entire situation making me throw my arm around her shoulders in comfort. 

"You, Bonnie Bennett are the most powerful, smartest and amazing witch. You'll figure out, trust me. You're Bonnie Bennett for Christ sake!" She smiled at me giving a small laugh before a blue Camaro comes out of nowhere pulling up with a raven haired vampire driving. 

"Greetings, blondie, witchy, brainy. I think you got your voodoo wires all crossed when you got rid of Vicki Donovan." She tells us with an annoyed expression on his face. 

"Vicki Donovan?" I questioned confused to how a dead vampire was being brought into this conversation, 

"What do you mean, why?" Bonnie questioned the annoyed/annoying vampire in front of her. 

"Because I'm pretty sure I just got spit-roasted by Mason Lockwood's ghost." He explained. What the hell did Damon do to that poor and attractive werewolf? 

"What?" Bonnie asked very confused. 

"And why exactly do you think that?" I asked wondering how Mason Lockwood was the first person he thought of.

"Maybe because he chained me to a chair and shoved a hot poker into my chest. let's say I'm having deja vu." With this being told me and Caroline both look at Bonnie who looks very confused and conflicted. 

"I thought you said ghosts couldn't interact with people." Caroline said talking straight to Bonnie thinking how it can't be possible that Bonnie may have been wrong. 

"They can't" 

"Yeah well, I don't have time for a vengeful Lockwood. When I kill someone, they're supposed to stay dead. Whatever you screwed up fix it." He ranted towards the witch after that he drove away extremely quickly and most likely above the speed limit. 

Across the road was Matt watching the interaction of the four of us. I was the first to cross the street to talk to the quarterback with Caroline and Bonnie following closely behind. I asked him quickly if he had seen Vicki.

"I haven't seen Vicki, I swear" He told us all before looking down upset about having to go through the loss of his sister a second time "I sent her back like you told me to do."

"Are you sure?" Bonnie asked making sure that Matt actually did get rid of Vicki "Because she has just as much reason to haunt Damon as Mason Lockwood does."

"90% of the people who have been killed in the past two years has as much reason to haunt Damon as much as Mason Lockwood." I added making Caroline nod in agreement.

"She's gone Bonnie. If she was here, I'd know it" I gave him a small sympathetic smile it clear that he was severely upset about this whole ordeal.

"Why do you think its Vicki and not Mason?" Caroline asked the witch.

"Because if any ghost other than Vicki Donovan has a physical foothold on our side, that means Damon's right." Words I never thought I'd hear "and something has gone really, really wrong." Bonnie states looking extremely worried about this situation and what would happen if all the ghosts from our past come to literally haunt us.

"I've had enough of this ghost stuff to last forever. So can you guys can leave me out of this one" Matt tells the three of us, I nodded understanding that if that happened to me, I wouldn't be able to get out of bed forget going to work. He walks away from us, and you can hear Caroline talking.

"I feel so sad for him. It took a lot for him to send his sister away."

"Yeah" Bonnie replied shortly.

"I highly doubt I could do that, if I got to saw my mom or dad again... I don't know if I would be able to let them go." I stated feeling so much sympathy for the blue-eyed boy. "It took a lot of guts anyway." This made the other girls nod.

"So much strength in a man." Caroline continued looking at both of us.

"Caroline it's never going to happen, get over it." Rolling my eyes at her Insinuating that Matt would be a perfectly good boyfriend as she's done for the part two months.

"I've got a ghost problem to deal with, Caroline. Save the Jeremy lecture for later" She snapped while grabbing her bag all of her stuff falling out when the strap broke. I bent down and helped her pick up her things and just as she was going to put her grimoire up it opens itself to a page in the center of the book.

"Did that just..." I asked the witch and vampire not believing my eyes.

"I think so." Bonnie said cocking her head to the side while picking up the book reading the page that the book opened itself to.

"Okay please tell me that's a recipe for witch cookies" Caroline half joked half serious about the page Bonnie was currently reading.

"It's a manifestation spell. It's used to reveal veiled matter." Bonnie told us the meaning of the grimoires spell.

"What's veiled matter?" Caroline asked and before Bonnie answered I said in shock.

"Ghosts." looking at them all.

"What do we do? Do we do the spell? What is the spell exactly?" I questioned Bonnie repeatedly wanting the ghosts to be a thing in the past and look into the future.

"I think we need to go somewhere more private."

***

Caroline pulled her car up to an abandoned creepy looking house. the three of us enter the front room me and Caroline a little bit more apprehensively than Bonnie.

"So, this is where you brought Jeremy back to life?" I asked Bonnie looking around the room severely creeped out, the interior being as bad as the exterior.

"Yeah. Sorry, I know it's creepy, but we needed a private place to do the spell." Bonnie apologized getting ready to do the spell.

"Hmmm. There's no chance it's haunted by the hundred dead witches who were horrifically burned to death in this very spot, is there?" Caroline question clearly scared, and that question alone made me just as scared.

"A hundred dead witches?!"

"They're not here anymore. And they made it clear they were never coming back." she reassured us both trying to calm our nerves or well attempted to.

"Right. You pinkie swear?" Caroline asks trying to make a joke in the tense environment. Making me give her a look. I got the candles out and gave Caroline a lighter so she can help light the candles with me for Bonnie to start the spell.

"Ready do you need us to do..." I started turning around to see Bonnie already starting to start the spell "Right. Okay" I looked at Caroline while Bonnie was continuing to do the spell getting louder every chant a breeze beginning to surround us getting stronger and stronger by the second making everything in the room moves. Seeing all of this makes my eyes widen and start to worry about Bonnie and how safe this is for her.

"Bonnie, I don't like this. Bonnie..." Caroline voices my thoughts while also looking around that was until we saw something shocking.

"Oh my God, is that your...?" I started but couldn't finish due to the pure shock of what I as seeing. All three of us shocked Bonnie can't say anything, it even leaves Caroline speechless. The silence was broke with Bonnie saying quietly.

"Grams."

*************************************************

A/N:

Small chapter but next is quite long an different than others as a special character will be appearing. Hope you enjoyed, Part two will include more of the boys (a slight twist).

Please correct any grammar, spelling or British slang.

Any positive or negative feedback is appreciated.

Thanks for reading lovelies xxx 

[kpopfanfictrash]

For Me, It’s You

Member: Jimin (BTS)

Prompt: Song!drabble, inspired by For Me, It’s You by Lo Moon

Rating: R

Genre: childhood friends to lovers!AU (THANK YOU @underthejoon​ for this amazing header, ur the best)

Warnings: angst, estranged parents, references to former underage drinking

WC: 4,015

↳ part of my 30K milestone drabble game

You should not have come home this weekend.

Honestly, you knew better but allowed yourself to be swayed by the guilt of your siblings. There were the ones who insisted your parents wanted you here, who said things would not be the same without you and you fell for their lies – hook, line and sinker. Never mind that, when you texted your plane flight to your mom, it took her nearly a day to respond.

In complete denial, you chalked this up to timing. It was not. As soon as you arrived from the airport, you sensed the chill in the air. Your little brother – Dean’s list, summa cum laude, McKinsey consultant, Henry – was welcomed in with warm hugs and cookies. You barely received a terse smile and ‘welcome home.’

Even so, you deluded yourself into thinking things would be fine. You would lie low, make it through the weekend and return to the city unscathed. So long as you did not bring up your job, or the argument, everything would be okay. Sadly, you underestimated how disappointed your parents were. It took only two glasses of wine at Thanksgiving dinner for your mother to let you know exactly how she felt.

“When do you have to be back at work, Henry?” she asked, accepting the vat of potatoes.

“Monday,” Henry said, setting down his glass. “Working on a big client of ours right now – unfortunately, can’t take much time off.”

“Oh, that’s alright.” Your mother beamed as she replaced the spoon in the bowl. “It’s nice to see you hard at work. Unlike some people your age.”

Everyone around the table stiffened. It was not necessary for your mother to say your name in order to make her feelings known. The point was clear in the way she set the bowl down, looked your way and waited a beat.

Refusing to take the bait, you looked down. You had not been hungry before but, upon hearing her comment, lost all appetite entirely.

“Let’s not talk about that right now,” said Jia, your sister. Hastily, she shot a pleading glance at your dad. “It’s the holidays.”

“That doesn’t diminish the reality of the situation,” your father said sternly. Turning your way, his brow furrowed. “So, Y/N. Have you found yourself yet?”

Cheeks slowly heating, you pushed your plate back from the table. “I’m working on my drawings, yeah. If that’s what you’re asking.”

He made a dismissive noise in his throat. “All that money towards college – wasted.”

“Dad,” Jia said. “It wasn’t wasted.” She scowled, looking between your parents.

Jia chose to become a dentist; a perfectly respectable career path in their opinion. Still, she had always been protective over you and Henry. When you were younger, your parents often worked in the evenings, and it often fell upon your older sister to help.

��Let’s just eat, okay?” Henry glanced around the table. “It’s Thanksgiving. Let’s be glad we’re all here.”

The table was quiet for a few minutes, everyone digging into their respective plates. Then, your mom sighed and said, “I suppose I’m thankful two of my children followed our example to form steady careers. At least I can sleep knowing I won’t be in the poor house when I’m old.”

“Mom!” Jia blurted out, looking appalled.

Henry jumped to your defense, too. “That’s not fair, mom –”

“I’ll tell you what’s fair,” interrupted your father. His voice somehow drowned out the rest. “Wasting all your hard-earned money on a fancy college degree, only to throw it away. Living disrespectfully, coming back to our house and having the nerve to –”

“I bought my own plane ticket, dad,” you interjected. “My website is doing really well, and I’m working on illustrations for this book, and I –”

“Don’t interrupt!” he exclaimed. “This is exactly the lack of respect your mother and I are talking about.”

With a loud screech, you pushed your chair away to stand up. “I’m done eating,” you announced. Stiffly, you looked at your mom.  “Doesn’t sound like anything’s changed since the last time we spoke. Thank you for cooking. I’ll clean up after myself.”

With that, you turned around and strode into the kitchen. The arguing continued after you left, with Jia jumping in to combat your parents. Even Henry was angry, protesting he and Jia wanted you there, but you were no longer listening. It did not matter much, either way. You should have known better than to think today would go well.

The last time you spoke to your parents was in the spring, the day you told them you were quitting your job to pursue illustration full-time. They were not happy, simply put and after the initial, blow-out fight, you did not speak at all. Obviously, they still had a lot to say.

Retreating up the stairs to your childhood bedroom, you slammed shut the door and collapsed on your bed. Being in this room made you feel like a child and in many ways, you still were. It did not matter that you had been able to drink for four years and vote for seven. In many ways, you were only just beginning to progress on your own.

Downstairs, you still heard the debate raging on. It was always like this, when you were little. Even when you were not the one arguing, there was another fight to be had. You could not blame your parents for that, not really. It was the only way they understood discipline – loud voices and the overbearing idea of respect.

Eventually, things would calm down. You knew they would. Eventually, Jia would help your mom clean up and Henry would play piano in the next room. For a few hours, maybe, they would be like a family – except you would not be there.

Not this time.

Unable to replay the events any longer, you roll out of bed and unlatch your window. Prying it open, the cold air hits your face. Shivering, you stare into the night and reach out for your sweater. Your childhood home was built with a small, wrap-around porch over the front.

When you were a child, you often climbed out here to escape. When you were in your teens, you came out here to drink, or smoke, or journal about how your parents were ruining your life. It has been a long time since you remembered that part of yourself.

Glancing away, you see lights on in the Park house. They must be finishing Thanksgiving dinner as well, hopefully not in as dramatic fashion as yours. You cannot imagine it is, since the Parks adore their two sons – Jimin and Jiwoo. Besides, both of their children adopted traditionally successful career paths. Jiwoo is in medical school and Jimin recently passed the bar.

Exhaling, you glance again at the rooftop. The fighting can still be heard downstairs and so, pulling on your sweater, you climb out on the porch. Quickly shutting the window, you find yourself ensconced in blessed silence. No disappointed parents berating you. No siblings rising to your defense. Only silence, the wind and far-off sound of cars on the highway.

Settling onto the roof, you lean against the side of the house. The sky overhead is clear, a silver crescent of moon hanging above your head. As you breathe in and out, your breath frosts in mid-air. It is chilly enough you are glad for your sweater and still, your hands stiffen with cold. Pulling your sleeves down, you relish in the silence.

“Y/N?”

Head jerking sideways, your heart nearly stops when you see a face looking back. At the edge of the overhang, clinging onto the roof is a familiar – well, now unfamiliar – person.

Jimin.

“Is that seat taken?” he breathes, face red with the exertion of climbing. “Because it’s been a while since I’ve done this, and god knows how much your parents take care of this trellis.”

“Shit,” you blurt, realizing his predicament and scrambling onto your knees. Grabbing Jimin’s hands, you haul him onto the roof.

Jimin tumbles beside you, dusting dirt from his pea coat. You wince at the gesture, since the fabric looks expensive – probably is, given his new job. Collapsing against the siding, Jimin adjusts his grey beanie and looks sideways at you.

“Hey,” he greets, as though he climbs up on neighbors’ porches all the time.

Trying not to laugh, you smile back. “Hey.”

When you say nothing more, Jimin arches a brow. “Surprised to see me?”

“You could say that,” you say, glancing down at the cul-de-sac. From up here, the world seems more manageable. It always did. “It’s been a while since you came by.”

“Could say the same.”

Glancing at him, you see a small smile on his face. Jimin is quiet for a moment, staring out at the world and you cannot help but layer this Jimin with ones past. When you were younger, this was your place – he and you. Whenever your parents were too much, or you were mad at the world, you would climb out here to escape.

Jimin would see this and know it was his signal to come over.

It has been a long time since then, though. The wood of the house is cold on your back.

“So, why are you out here?” He asks this calmly, as though this were another Tuesday.

You shrug. “The usual.”

It has been seven years, give or take, since you two last talked. Really talked, that is – in the way that friends do. All throughout middle school and high school, Jimin was your best friend. Even Jia was wary of you. She did not understand the way you acted, the way you purposefully pushed your parents’ boundaries to understand all their lines.

Jimin was not like that. Jimin did not break rules, but Jimin understood. He saw you out here, night after night and grew curious. Eventually, he climbed up to meet you and what happened next cannot be explained. You became the unlikeliest of friends.

Subtly, you glance sideways.

Glasses are perched on the end of his nose. Jimin used to need glasses in high school but insisted upon contacts because of his dancing. When he quit dance for college, you heard a lot of things changed, but you never imagined his glasses to be one of them. The frames suit his face. You have always thought that.

Of course, you cannot say for certain this change took place during college. That was when you began drifting apart – it was not either of your fault, really. You two tried to keep in touch, you really did. There were phone calls, e-mails, but there was always something else demanding more urgent attention. Eventually, phone calls became texts, which turned into long bouts of silence where you forgot one another.

Maybe the silence was a bit purposeful on your part. Maybe you were running from feelings you deemed ultimately, fruitless.

“You haven’t been home for the holidays in a few years,” Jimin comments, still casual. His foot is stretched out before him, clothed in an Italian loafer which must be worth twenty of your commissions.

“Not really, no,” you say, surprised he noticed.

“Why not?”

“Ha.” Leaning your head to the house, you close your eyes. “I don’t know. It felt like a lie every time, you know? Coming home and seeing them. Pretending to be happy. It was easier just… not to come.”

Jimin is quiet for a moment. “You weren’t happy?”

“Wrong job.” You open one eye. “Wrong life, really. But it was one they approved of.”

“And now?”

Suddenly, you look at him. Jimin stares back, gaze soft in moonlight. It makes your heart skip a beat, a phenomenon you thought died a long time ago. It is maddening, how quickly he does this to you.

When you were in high school, Jimin was the golden boy. The dancer, the honors student, the friendly type who knew everyone – even the weird, quiet girl who drew fantasy landscapes in the margins of her notebooks. Once upon a time, you were in love with him.

You even dreamed of him loving you back, but those dreams never became reality. Jimin loved you, of course, but only as a friend. He had a strange sense of protection for the girl on the roof. You realized this not in one moment, but in a thousand little ones all strung together.

You realized it when watching him with his first girlfriend – a bubbly, cheerleader type much like himself. The stake was hammered in further with his second girlfriend, whom he left the first one for. It was obvious when he took you to parties, leaving you talking to his friends in the corners. Obvious when his group booked a limo for prom and you were not invited.

These moments crushed your hope for anything more. And yet, here you are, back on the roof and wishing something more existed.

“Now, I’m happy with my career.” Not looking at him, you exhale. “They hate it, though. They think I threw everything they gave me away.”

Jimin snorts. “Bullshit.”

“Yeah?” You smile before you can help it. Jimin was always protective when it came to your drawing. “I don’t know it is. I had a good job, a stable job. The type of job they wanted so badly to have but couldn’t. I get why they’re mad.”

“You weren’t happy, though,” Jimin points out, rearranging himself on the roof. Somehow, his hand falls closer to yours. “And your drawings are amazing. I’ve seen your website.”

“Oh.” You pause, uncertain how to respond. Strange butterflies take flight in your stomach and you wonder what else he has seen. “Yeah, well. I don’t think they really care about that. Not like your parents do, anyways.”

Jimin’s smile turns bitter. “I guess.”

Now, it is your turn to look at him curiously. “What do you mean?”

Shaking his head, Jimin ducks his chin against his chest. The pea coat bunches around his shoulders, making him look more like old Jimin – your Jimin. The high schooler who feared his future, who did not want to quit dance but did, because he had to.

“I mean,” he tries again, frowning. “My parents are proud of me on paper. The love listing my accomplishments to their friends, but when it comes to me…”

He trails off, leaving you to draw your own implication.

“Oh.” Your words soften, glancing away. “I get that. I think that’s how Henry feels sometimes. He likes his job, he really does – but with my parents, it’s not about that. It makes the success feel kind of… hollow, somehow. You know?”

“I do.”

Looking at him, you hesitate. “Jimin… why’d you come up here?”

Jimin is quiet for a moment, rolling the corner of his pea coat with his fingers. “Why wouldn’t I?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” you say, some of your usual sarcasm seeping through. “Maybe because we haven’t spoken in like, five years.”

Jimin’s lips quirk. The gesture disappears almost immediately, replaced with something which could almost be called sadness.

“I heard you moved into the city,” he says quietly.

Your stomach plummets. “Jimin, I…”

“Yeah?”

“I – I didn’t know you knew,” you say, finishing lamely.

“Really?” His laugh is hollow. “Even if we didn’t follow each other on social media, you really thought my mom wouldn’t tell me?”

Shifting uncomfortably, you fail to meet his gaze. “Well. I moved to the city last fall.”

“I know. Why didn’t you look me up?”

“I don’t know,” you say honestly. Avoiding eye contact, you pick at your sweater. “It’s been a long time, I guess.”

“Too long.”

“Well, why didn’t you reach out?” you demand, looking up. To your surprise, you find Jimin has moved closer.

He stares at you determinedly. “What happened to us, Y/N?”

“What happens to most high school friends?” you stammer, still trying to be casual. “We moved, drifted apart, lost touch…”

“No.” Reaching out, Jimin takes your hand in his. He feels much warmer than you do. “I – oh. You’re cold.”

“N-no shit,” you say, teeth chattering. “I just grabbed this sweater.”

Jimin shifts closer, his right thigh pressing against yours. “Y/N.”

“Yeah?”

He stares at you for a moment, warmth finally tangible. After so many years without him, the smell of his cologne is almost too much to bear. No longer does he drown in it. You remember the year his mom gave him that for Christmas. The first few weeks of January Jimin fairly bathed in it, until his mom pulled him aside and told him she would throw it away – no matter the cost.

Remembering this makes you smile.

Jimin’s expression remains serious. “Why’d you leave… that night?”

There it is. There is the memory between you which you have been pointedly trying to ignore. The night Jimin kissed you and you ran away. It happened here, on this very rooftop. The night before you left for college, Jimin stole wine coolers from his mom and asked you to celebrate.

He was an absolute lightweight.

Jimin did not drink in high school, unlike you and so, after one wine cooler, he was already giggly. Laying back on the roof, you traced the stars with your fingertips and somehow rolled into his side. His arm slid around your waist, stable and warm.

Softly, he looked down – and kissed you.

It lasted only a moment. A brief miracle before you forced yourself away, leaping up on the roof and flinging open your window. You hurried in, shutting the blinds and ignoring his pleas. Jimin stood there for nearly twenty minutes before you heard him leave. He knew what your parents were like – knew what would happen if they heard him and caught you.

“I don’t know,” you say quietly, still looking at him.

“Bullshit.” Jimin says this in the same tone he used to describe your parents.

Stiffening, you sit up. He still holds your hand in his. Despite the sternness of his tone, Jimin continues to trace your fingers through the sweater. He stares, biting down on his lip and you know he does this when he is nervous.

It is surprising how easily you remember. Surprising how easy it is to slip into who you used to be, the dreams you used to want. Perhaps they never really left at all.

“I was scared,” you finally say, barely audible.

“Of me?”

“No,” you say, before you can help it. “Never of you. Of what… I might do to you.”

Jimin’s brow furrows. “You do to me? I don’t understand. How could anything you do be bad?”

The aching sweetness of this reminds you why you loved him. Or, why you love him. It is all so confusing with him here in the moonlight, with you here beside him, remembering ghosts of the past. Turning to face him, your knees graze each other like children.

“I didn’t make sense with you,” you explain. “Everyone knew it in high school, even if they wouldn’t say it out loud. You were always the bright one, the brilliant one – and then there was me.”

“Yeah. And then there was you.” Jimin speaks fiercely. “Grounded, real. Always telling me what you thought, not letting other people get to me for too long. You were the only person who really believed in me. No caveats, just belief.”

“That’s not true.”

“It is,” he insists. “God, Y/N. How could you think you were bad for me?” Reaching out, he tenderly tucks a strand of hair behind your ear. Pulling away, his fingertips graze your jaw. “For me, it’s you. It’s always been you.”

“Don’t say ridiculous things,” you say on reflex.

Jimin’s brow furrows. “Did you honestly not realize? The entire time we were friends – you didn’t know I was in love with you?”

Your breath catches at how easily he says this. “But…” Mind spinning, you sift through the memories. “You dated other girls. Took someone else to prom. You didn’t say anything until you kissed me!”

“I know.” Jimin’s expression is tortured. “I only dated those girls though, because you said I should! Don’t you remember? I’d describe my ideal girl to you – describe you – and you’d point someone else out. When I took you to parties, you’d talk to my guy friends. And you accepted someone else’s prom invite before I could ask!”

“What!” You blink, since this is news to you. “What are you talking about?”

“We had a pact.” Despite himself, Jimin nearly smiles. “Remember? We were ten, watching Footloose in my basement and you pinky promised to be my prom date.”

“We were ten,” you say, although you also find yourself smiling. “You didn’t really think –”

“I was planning to ask you the next day,” he interrupts.

Words die on your lips and you can only stare for a moment. “What?”

“Peter Graff asked you on a Friday.” Scooting closer, Jimin takes your other hand in his. “I remember. I remember stopping by your locker and hearing you talk about prom dresses, limo colors, what boutonniere you should buy. I… I had been planning to ask the next day.”

“Jimin, I…”

“I was planning to stand in your yard with a boom box,” he admits, lips curving into a smile. Dark hair falls into his gaze. “You know, like in Say Anything. Except not creepy. And on very low volume, so I didn’t wake your parents.”

“Good call.”

“I thought so.”

It is strange to hear your friendship described in this manner. Because you remember those moments, but through a very different lens. You remember the day Jimin described his ideal girl. You remember crying that night, feeling you fit none of the description. He is right – you were the one who pointed out his first girlfriend, telling him he should really ask her out. It seemed more logical than any other version of the truth.

“When you kissed me…” Swallowing, you force yourself to continue. “It was perfect.”

“Yeah?” Jimin bites his lip.  “Then, why’d you leave?”

“You’d been drinking. I was leaving the next day. I thought maybe… you’d done it out of pity,” you whisper, finally voicing your fears from the night. “I thought you knew how badly I wanted you and it was just your way of saying goodbye. I… I wanted to keep that night the way it was. Perfect.”

“It wasn’t pity.” Jimin catches his breath. “Never.”

“Jimin…”

Lifting his hands to your face, he gently strokes your jaw. “I missed my shot that night,” he determines. “I’ve been a coward lots of ways, my whole life. I didn’t go after you like I should’ve. I haven’t stood up to my parents a million times. But I’ll be damned if I fuck this up again.”

Before you can respond, he kisses you.

His lips are soft, warm despite the bitterness of the night. He tastes like vanilla Chapstick and wine and you only hesitate a moment before kissing him back. The kiss is nothing like your first. That was a moment between teenagers, too scared to ask for what you both wanted. Now, you know what you want.

Greedily, your lips part as your hands wrap around his. At the first brush of your tongue, Jimin releases a groan. You kiss like this for a while, gently exploring the new boundaries between you. Whatever once was is shattered but something new exists in its place.

Finally, you drag yourself away and open your eyes. “Is this why you came here tonight?” you whisper, the world somehow seeming brighter. “To kiss me again?”

“Amongst other things.” His lips quirk when he laughs, shaking his head. “No. I came out because I saw you on the roof.”

He does not need to explain what it means. You only come out on the roof when you are upset. Unthinkingly, your heart starts to swell.

“You still remembered?” you ask, thumb brushing his neck.

“I meant what I said. For me, it’s you.”

  © kpopfanfictrash, 2019. Do not copy or repost without permission.

[turbulentt]

Read For Me

genre: fluff | wonwoo x gn!reader

word count: +2.4k

event: valentine’s day prompt ask by @chilliwoo​

summary:  you and wonwoo have been friends for a long time now, but you can’t push your feelings aside any longer. he’s so sweet, caring, lovely, he even reads to you. not falling in love is a tough task.

He has the most beautiful smile of all. The round glasses always resting on his nose are his true charisma. When his eyes shine as he glances at a book you can’t help but giggle. The scariness of his serious expression when he is about to give you an entire lecture about not trusting strangers makes you shiver.

These are the reasons you love Wonwoo. Your best friend.

“What’s going on?” he asks gently, reading your expression carefully. “Oh, nothing. Sorry Won.” you smile at him “Keep reading.”

And so he did. His lips moved graciously as he read each syllable, his soft dialect penetrating your ears as if it kissed you. That’s how good you feel when your best friend reads to you. When he lets your sleepy head lay on his strong shoulder as he turns one more page. 

One more page. One more reason to fall in love.

His hand caresses your thigh, innocently, and he chuckles. The book must be very interesting. You wouldn’t know. Every word doesn’t seem more than just a lullaby. You can’t focus, you can never focus when you’re by his side. “He said he loved adventures. How funny is he? The boy who never leaves home. He loves adventures.” his reading pace slowed down “This is my favorite part.”

You know it is. You have been knowing for a while now. You always know his favorite parts, every detail, every word. You know everything about him. You know that he loves adventures. You also know he never leaves home.

“-You’re an adventure.- he says - You’re my favorite adventure.” Wonwoo smiled. You didn’t care to look at him, you knew he was smiling. This is his favorite part after all, and you know, Wonwoo smiles at his favorite things.

“You’re my favorite adventure,” you mumbled softly when the tiredness took over and your eyes shut down gingerly. “You always fall asleep after my favorite parts,” he notes, caressing your cheek.

In fact, you do. You always fall asleep after hearing happiness rolling off his tongue in the shape of words.

Half asleep you feel your body being carried gently through the living room. “She fell asleep again? Your books must not be that good.” a soft giggle echoes and you feel the arms who carry you shrug and you keep moving. It feels good. Warm. Intense. Full of love. But you know that’s just how Wonwoo touches you. You know he feels good. You know he is warm. You know he is intense. You know he is full of love. And you are full of love for your best friend.

Your head still resting on his shoulder, your nose rubbing naively the skin of his neck. This moment is perfect, even if you don’t feel it to the fullest. It always feels so perfect when Wonwoo is around. “Hey… sleepyhead.” he lays your body down to sink into the mattress “Have some rest, I’ll cook you something.”

You ‘hum’ at him, he smiles. 

The door closes and you dive into your deep lovely dreams. Of course, dreams of cream and sweet eyes. Dreams of Wonwoo. He got stuck inside your head like a needy kitten, but, in reality, you are the needy one. You are needy for him, for his touch, for his smiles, for his husky voice. ‘I love you’s is the only thing you can hear within the walls of your mind. That’s all you want from him, albeit you can’t bring yourself to confess. You know he loves you. How much? The question is there. How much does he love you? How much can he love you?

“You’re all I need.” he whispers “My one and only.”

A shiver runs down your body as he smiles lovingly at your surprised expression. “Surprised? How come?” he chuckles “You should’ve already known.”

Your head denies quickly, yet shocked, a pure smile forms upon your lips. “You know how long I’ve waited for this?” a joyful tear travels around your cheek and Wonwoo wipes it almost instantaneously. “I’m sorry for making you wait.”  his body draws closer, yours does too, it feels like true magnetism “I’m here now.”

“You are here now…” you mutter sleepily feeling a warm touch on your hand. “I am.” his low voice says jokingly. Your eyes shut open and you cover your embarrassed body, refusing to eye his amused expression. It was only a dream. Like it has been for the past weeks. Only a dream. 

“Oh, come on.” his curious fingers try riding you of the covers but fail miserably “What were you dreaming about?” 

“Nothing that concerns you.” you pout, even knowing he wouldn’t see it “What do you want?”

“Wow, I’m hurt.” he fakes a sad tone and grabs his chest “I carry you to my bed like an absolute princess, tuck you in sweetly and cook for you, and that’s how you treat me? You’re lucky we’ve been friends for a long time and I already know this is because you don’t like to be woken up.” 

“Sorry you know I’m grumpy like this whenever I wake up suddenly.” you smile apologetically.

Wonwoo just brushed the thin strands of hair away from your face and shrugged, he didn’t really care for these futile matters. He loves your newly awakened grumpiness, your low raspy voice, and the way your eyes rest closed while you talk yourself out of your sleepy state. He just loves it. It’s a natural beauty and irresistible charm. Things he has seen a million times over the past few years, but which never bore him. 

“Here. Eat.” he put down a plate on the bedside table and moved over the other side to sit on the free space that still remained in bed. “Thanks.” you lazily reach for the food and admire its presentation “Say thank you to your mom for the food.”

“What?” he looks over at you “I made that.”

“Don’t even try to fool me. I know your mom’s food when I see it.” you inhale the strong warm scent and sigh “Plus, Jeon Wonwoo and cooking? A match made in hell.”

Wonwoo tries to hold back his laugh, just so he wouldn’t give you the satisfaction of being right, because, in fact, you were. You always are. You were right when you told him not to climb a tree once, he broke his arm after falling off. You were right when you told him to not eat so much spicy food, he ended up curling on his bed with a stomach ache. You are always right. You are always protecting him. He never listens, yet his love for you grows bigger at every advice.

“Did you eat already?” your speech gets a bit muffled by the food in your mouth. “Yes. With my mom and brother downstairs.” 

“Oh, you could’ve called me. I wanted to eat with them too.” you pout. 

He glances at your pout lovingly, wasting a few seconds to take in the overwhelming feeling of cuteness. “You seemed to be sleeping really peacefully. They also said I should let you rest.”

“I will let this one pass.” you finish with a low ‘hm’ and pinch his cheek “What did you guys talk about?”

“Oh… Hm… Well…” his face adopted a much more rosy tone and Wonwoo had an obvious flustered expression. “Don’t tell me you were talking badly about me?” you say jokingly, his uneasy look worried you “What is it, Won?”

“Well, we did talk about you.” you catch your breath and he can’t bring himself to look at you “Nothing bad, don’t worry. Everyone in this house loves you, you know it.”

“I know.”

“It was just that my mom had this crazy thought on her mind.” he chuckled slightly “Really dumb, I don’t know where she got it from.”

“Aren’t you going to tell me?” you put down the empty food plate and turn to the boy beside you so your eyes could meet his’. “It’s not that important.”

“If it isn’t then I don’t see the problem in telling me.” a victorious grin forms in your lips as he sighs. “Okay, fine. But you asked for it.” he rolls his eyes and finally smiles again “My family thinks we’re dating.”

Your heart skips a beat. Your eyes shine so brightly they might blind Wonwoo’s. Do they perceive your relationship that way? Why? Has Wonwoo ever told them anything that might have indicated so? Your head spins around all of the questions and possible answers, but you can’t stop yourself from smiling all the time.

“Would that be such an awful happening?” you laugh sweetly, he immediately disagrees. “Of course not. I just don’t want you to get uncomfortable.”

“You’re a true gentleman.” you grab one of his hands in yours and childishly play with his fingers, only to distract the sudden shyness that took over you. “Do you have anything to tell me?” his tone is calm, he’s giving you space, time, reassurance. 

Reassurance that nevertheless he will not leave you. Never.

“Not yet.” your head rests in his shoulder again and he nods “Perhaps later I’ll tell you.”

“There’s no need, I already know.”

“I still need to tell you, but not now.” your fingers connect with his’ and it feels as if that is the best thing you have ever experienced in both of your lives “Read to me a bit more.”

“Of course.”

And so he kept going from where you left off. His lips moved slowly as the words fell from his mouth and he would discreetly look at you to capture your reactions. Every time, you would smile at him. "I won't fall asleep on your favorite part again," you say playfully. 

He smiles once again. 

"For as long as I can remember he's all I can think of." Wonwoo's reading makes you feel like every page tells your story. Maybe he knows it too. Maybe he knows how much you think of him, how his image fills the walls of your mind. 

He keeps reading, you don't dare to interrupt. He looks beautiful in these moments. So happy. So Wonwoo. He is himself during these moments. He is himself when he's with you. 

His hand turns another page and you feel your heart skip a beat. His low beautiful laugh echoes through the room. You shiver and your gaze drifts to his lips. It's so mesmerizing, everything about him leaves you speechless, but his lips… oh, his lips are just too irresistible. 

"Can I kiss you?" you murmur. "What?" his faces fools no one. That fake expression, like he didn't hear what you said, when, in reality, you can see how hard he's holding a grin. "You heard me." 

"I didn't." 

"You did." 

"I'm telling you I didn't." 

"I can see you faking it." 

"Why would I lie?" 

"Because you're annoying and yo-" 

Your dialogue is cut off by his breathy laugh followed by a kiss. His lips fit perfectly on yours. You can feel his smile. That victorious smile. The smile of someone who got exactly what they wanted. And you gave him what he wanted. Leaning onto his touch you let him make you his’. Wonwoo places his hand on your cheek as caresses it gently. Your lips moving in perfect synchrony like you have been kissing for years. It all feels right. Perfect. You pull away from the kiss and place your forehead in his.

"You did hear me." you laugh, eyes still closed. "I did." he chuckles "And I'm glad I did."

You smile. He smiles. 

"Guys, do you need-" a loud voice enters the room startling the both of you "Oh, what about the 'we are just friends and you know it' thing?"

"Just get out." Wonwoo scolds his brother. "Yeah yeah, I'll leave the two love birds alone." the boy leaves the room imitating kiss noises and you laugh at Wonwoo's unsatisfied expression. 

"Sorry for that." he scratches the back of his head awkwardly with an apologetic smile upon his lips. "Mom, they're dating!" the same voice screams on top of his lungs through the corridor. 

Wonwoo grunts in anger and buries his face on the white pillows. You watch him amused and stroke his hair. "Calm down, honey." you mock him. "You too? That's evil." he pouts looking at you and diving back to the pillows. "Oh, don't be like that." you sweetly kiss his ear, which turns red after a few seconds "Are you shy?" 

He lets out a muffled 'no' while trying to cover his ears. You giggle at his actions and kiss his hand. "Stop being cute," he says. "You're the one acting like a baby." you cross your arms and pout. 

He lifts his head to look at you, a dear expression falling from his eyes. "How long?" 

"What?" you question confused. "How long have you been hiding your feelings from me?" he sits up, face to face with you, and you swear your body might melt just from his gaze. "I don't know." 

"Why didn't you tell me?" he smiles taking your hands and pulling you to sit on his lap. "To be fair, you didn't tell me either." you chuckle. "But who says I like you?" he says playfully. "I am going to beat you up." 

"Sorry, sorry." he laughs "I do like you. A lot." 

Your hands reach his shoulders caressing them gently as he locks his gaze with yours. "We are still best friends." he points "Best friends who date." 

You nod frenetically and Wonwoo laughs at your cuteness. His head draws closer to yours and you feel eager for his lips once again. Closing your eyes slowly you can feel his warm breath mix with yours. The skin of his lips brush against yours and a child-like smile takes over you. 

"Kids, do you n-" another lost soul interrupts your precious moment and Wonwoo just falls back in waiver. "Mom!" he grunts. "Oh sorry, I was just wondering if you guys wanted cake?" 

You jump of Wonwoo's lap excitedly and force him to stand up too. "C'mon let's eat cake, Won!" 

"Okay, okay I'm going." he sighs feeling weak against your sudden cute attack. 

His mom smiles as she leaves the room and Wonwoo takes the chance to steal a quick kiss from you. You whine in surprise but quickly melt into his touch almost going back to your previous position on his lap. "Later we can kiss as much as you want, but now cake!" you grab his hand and pull him off the room. "Fine, but then you must stay and sleep over. I want to cuddle you all night." 

"Deal." you smile. 

He smiles back. Indeed, Wonwoo smiles at his favorite things.

[blackfemmecharacterdependency]

25. Not Fine, But Better

Previous

Word Count: 6239

Simon went to his father’s to recover. He was on an official break from school (hopefully, no longer than a year), and because of the nature of his injuries, was forced to move back home temporarily. His former employer was reluctant about giving him another position, though they worked out a few things for him to be involved in a freelance capacity, that way they were hiring him for certain projects, but not keeping him on their regular payroll. He planned to enroll in some online studies in the fall, and in the meantime, focused mainly on his ongoing project - the virtual reality social media.

A few things happened. Aside from regular visits to the doctor, because he was doing too much and reopened stitches, or for the extensive treatment that some of his more severe wounds were going to take, not to mention the healing of his spleen, which he was supposed to be taking extra care not to upset, but he was just so restless in bed and so anxious at the house, he kept getting up. The first night, he was content to lay down, primarily due to physical pain and exhaustion. 

The trauma doctor had suggested not getting on a plane, which meant that Mr. Laurent would have to stay at Simon’s and take care of him… which meant to Simon that his father would be in his personal space, contaminating it and his thoughts of it AND, he would know where he lived. He absolutely rejected that notion and said that he would hire someone for in-home health… Then he thought about the upcoming legal fees of his fights, potential jail time, even, the way that he abandoned his job, and he decided that maybe he would just go back to the Bay with his dad, against the doctor’s suggestion, because that seemed to be the least agonizing solution for him.

Of course, he re-injured himself, and spent all day in an ER, to receive word that his treatment would take longer and was ordered to bed rest for the spleen healing. He laid down in his old bed, as uncomfortable as it was and fell to sleep almost immediately. Outside of the hospital, where the medication and immediate professional help were, his nightmares became blatantly strong. He kept dreaming of laying in a pool of his own blood, on the cold ground, looking at a manhole, ready to die… and then the Void came out of it, about to swallow him whole and everything went black. He jumped up and immediately held himself. Maybe he needed to be strapped to the bed, as to not hurt more. He took a deep breath and reached for the cane that he would need to walk for a bit… and there was a white cat, resting on his old desk.

“Samantha?” He looked around the room, wondering if this was another dream, about his teenage years or something. But, he came closer and touched the cat and she pleasantly allowed it. It abandoned the cane to pick up the animal and nuzzled her. “Is it really you or did that jackass go find another white cat?” He snuggled her and limped out of the room to go get some water. He froze whenever he got into the kitchen and both of his parents were sitting at the little table. 

“Simon!” His mother said. She looked… different than he remembered. She looked younger, somehow, but extremely tired. She came over and tried to take Samantha from him, “Sorry. She must’ve snuck…” He jerked away and almost lost his footing. 

“What are you doing here?” he asked.

“Your dad said that you were here, so I stopped by and brought Samantha.”

He glared at her, “You’ve had Samantha this entire time?”

She chuckled and shrugged, “She’s MY cat, Simon. Whenever I was a little better, I stopped by and picked her up one day.”

“And you didn’t think to let me know? Leave a note? Nothing?? I thought she was dead!”

“You seem to be more upset about losing a cat than you’ve ever been about losing one of your family members,” she said. There she was. He knew that tone. He knew those eyes. She hadn’t changed. She was just better at seeming normal. 

“Don’t,” his father warned her.

Simon kept Samantha in his clutches as he went to pour himself some water. “When are you leaving?” 

The woman sat back down and looked at Mr. Laurent. “Your father thinks that you need us here. That us not being there for you is how you got to be this way.”

“What way is that, Faith?” he asked.

“Don’t,” his father warned the woman whose anger appeared to be rising, again.

“A little shit,” she hissed, despite the warning.

“Goddammit, Faith!” his father said. Simon snickered, wickedly. “Can’t you see that he’s just a hurt kid, acting out?” Now, Simon frowned. 

He wanted to storm over and punch his father in the face. He’d done so before, whenever he was a teenager and his father was drunk and complaining about his stupid memorial or whatever. But, Simon was in too much pain to even walk straight, much less, fight. He started angry crying and muttered, “Fuck both of you,” before taking Samantha back into his room, shutting the door (which hurt his side to do) and climbing back into bed with her nestled against himself. “I can’t believe that bitch took you away from me.” 

His mother was gone back to her mom’s by the time he got up again. He panicked whenever Samantha wasn’t there and rushed out of his room, clutching himself and neglecting the cane again to question his father about her whereabouts. Then, he heard her meow, excitedly, like she had something to tell him. Many things to tell him! He collected her and brought her back to his room. He kept her in there with him, scared that if she went outside, his mother might steal her again, even though his father assured him that it wouldn’t happen. “I won’t let her,” he had said. When the hell had he ever stopped her from doing anything?

He called “Dick for Brains” and asked if it was possible for him to use video conferencing to schedule an appointment. Dr. Richard was more than willing to accommodate this and seemed genuinely pleased that Simon had decided to try to resume therapy. 

However, in their first session back, Simon babbled on about this idea that he had for work. Of course, the therapist was going to let him speak about what he wanted to. It was a huge thing for Simon to even seek out help without being forced, and he was uncharacteristically excited about something. “A VR that serves as experimental experience based therapy. The premise is that you would be able to take these pick your adventure journeys, but each of the decisions would have either rewards or consequences and every choice that you make would take you down certain paths, giving you certain training to deal with your problems and conditioning your decision making, even one day could grant you diagnosis based upon your choices and solutions to said diagnosis…”

“So… you want to replace actual therapy with a virtual reality video game?”

“NO! You do the therapy to help you get better at the game. It’s like… it goes with it… unless you’re not so bad off that you NEED therapy, and then it’s just a tool in character education…”

“Okay. That sounds interesting. How is that coming along for you?”

“Ugh. It’s shit. You know… I don’t have the best gauge for reasonable decisions. So, I’m trying to program a lot of things, but I’m depending on various algorithms, and the things that I need to be more specific about, well - I’ve been reading a lot of psychology stuff to sort of help me out. Also, Grace had SO MANY resources available in her featured links on her website…” Simon’s eyes glossed over whenever he started talking about Grace.

“How is your relationship with Grace, Simon?”

He gave a sad smile and shrugged his shoulders, “I don’t have a relationship with Grace. She gave me another chance at life and I told everyone about all the messed up stuff I did to her. We haven’t spoken or seen each other in the weeks that I’ve been out of the hospital.”

“I read about that. It was really big of both of you to make the decisions that you made…”

“This isn’t about Grace,” Simon said. He began typing on one of his other laptops. “I’m not going to do that this time, Dr. Richard. I’m trying to think about treatment, but in a way that appeals to people more like me. I’m not one to sit in a room and talk about my feelings. You know how much I hate that. I AM one to sit in MY room, for hours, playing the same computer video game for weeks. As a kid, I used to create these figures. I have a ton of them at home. More recently, I’ve done robots…” Simon sounded all over the place, but Dr. Richard didn’t interrupt him. “In most games, there is a specific goal, and people tend to think… This isn’t anything that I’m used to, but the principle is fine. I want people to be able to feel like they are walking into their own worlds, and that their adventures are things that they can navigate to practice existing in the world. To get things out of their system that they should never do here, or to give them options that their minds might not automatically compose! You’re a therapist… do you think this sounds stupid or crazy or… just impossible?”

“It sounds like you’re enjoying your work and exploring more empathetic aspects of your talents. This project could be extremely good for you.”

“Okay, yeah, sure. But… do you think it would work? Do you think it would help somebody?”

“Are you making this to help other people or to get better at helping yourself?”

“DO YOU THINK IT WOULD DO EITHER?”

“There’s not enough information for me to know if it will help other people, but I think it’s already helping you and that’s the most important thing that you need to focus on. Getting better, yourself.” That was all that Simon needed to become completely obsessed with his project.

So, what happened was that he began to work on it a lot and neglect certain things he needed to do during his recovery. His father had to remind him and sometimes try to physically force him to let him check his healing, cleaning wounds, and getting ready to go have bloodwork done, etc. He was extremely irritable whenever Mr. Laurent would interrupt his work. Whenever it was more pressing medical concerns, Simon got a call from Grace.

“Hey,” she’d say casually. He’d smile immediately when he heard her voice, then frown, because he knew it meant that his dad had bothered her.

“Grace… I don’t know WHAT he’s said this time, but you need to stop doing this. How does he manage to even get to call you anyway?”

“Hazel gave him her phone number for emergencies. That is now the backup phone. Had to get her another. She’s too damn friendly, but I’ll never discourage her. She’s gotta be herself, you know. Listen. So… I’m told that you need to have an angiography. I looked it up and sounds like you gotta do this thing, and yet… Your dad can’t get you to stop playing video games?”

“No! That’s not what’s happening at all! I’m working and he just barges in! Doesn’t even knock. He’s obnoxious.”

“Orrr… you’re tired of being on somebody else’s timetable, and that’s understandable, but whenever I was in the institution, I was constantly on a formatted schedule that I had no control over. It was one of the downsides of getting myself in there. One of your downsides of starting fights that get you stabbed is doing whatever you’ve gotta do when you’ve gotta do it to get better. I’m gonna be pissed if your dad calls Hazel again because you’re acting like a child.”

“It won’t happen again.”

“Thank you. Have a good day.”

That was the last time he was cantankerous with his dad about appointments. He just had to suck it up and go when it was time. He had to listen, because he knew Mr. Laurent wouldn’t hesitate to bother Grace, as unfair as that was. Simon was furious that his dad did this. He called it harassment. Mr. Laurent didn’t seem to mind, even when Simon yelled aggressively about how Grace was always the person picking up his pieces when they were kids and he’s coming to a better understanding of how unfair that was to both of them, plus he has Samantha back and he is guilty about imposing on Grace. He sent her a message asking her to promise not to come running again for his father calling but agrees for her sake that if a real emergency comes up that she’s welcome to check in on him. She never replied, so he didn’t know if it was sent and he didn’t want to keep bothering her in her inbox. So, the months passed and he did what his father needed him to do to get better. Whenever he was able, he travelled back home, taking Samantha with him.

He was working full time and enrolled back in school part time, at a less prestigious college, but one that was comfortable for him, at this point. He still got up to MIT to see Professor Hughes and talk engineering with her. She was impressed by how well he seemed to be doing, but she would never tell him that. And he never missed an appointment with his therapist, or his physician. For the most part, he recovered. There was a little lasting damage that he would have to deal with, such as multiple surgeries to correct various problems connected to disrupting the body’s normal with multiple stab wounds, but it was manageable and he was… feeling okay. Whenever he wasn’t, he had better ways of coping than before, most of the time. Every now and then, he’d definitely lose it and break things and rage… but… it wasn’t as frequent as it used to be, so he at least felt good about that much.

Plus, he got to see Grace be SO happy with Hazel online and he wasn’t blocked from everything, so anytime anyone tried to give her trouble about him, he was able to step in and take whatever blows that they tried to throw her way. That was another thing… He had been diligently sticking to the truth about her, no matter what people asked or how guilty, ashamed, weak, cowardly, or whatever else these things made him feel. He went onto shows and conducted interviews and made videos to counter any negative feedback that Grace had ever done anything wrong. “Besides being a neglected kid with some issues related to that, Grace was a really good friend and I was a bad friend to her. Turned out my neglect issues were much deeper and I made her suffer for that, but she shouldn’t have to anymore.” 

.

Grace woke up with the sun most mornings. After she and Hazel returned to New York, it occurred to her that they had barely started living there before their little adventure in Mass. SO, they immediately made certain to try to start setting their routines and building their home style. Hazel’s room was the fanciest room she had ever had, excluding the chambers at the Monroe Estate. Grace let her have her own TV in her room, with a system that she had access to most of the apps, several games, and her favorite movies and shows. There was a housewarming plant that Grace’s friend had bought for Hazel whenever she moved in (and had to come over to look after whenever they were out), and that was in Hazel’s room, right by the window, for its sunshine. 

Hazel had gotten to the point where she was no longer sure if she wanted to hold on to having a leaf in her hair, so Grace bought her some cute hair accessories that looked like leaves - hair clips, headbands and stuff… and if Hazel ever wanted to stop, she had options, to sort of keep with her tradition that was sort of a large part of the identity she had carved out for herself. Now, though, she had a changing identity. 

She was Grace’s daughter and she didn’t know if keeping a leaf meant that she was holding on to a parent or parents that abandoned her when she had one who had fought to call her her own right in front of her. The last thing she wanted to do was possibly hurt Grace’s feelings, and she knew that Grace probably wouldn’t tell her if she did. She would just smile and make her feel good and meditate later or something. Hazel kept the hair leaf, for now. 

The room had bookshelves with Hazel’s favorite books, toys, and keepsakes, her jewelry rack and a very large quartz crystal sphere that Grace bought her “for good energy” whenever she was at her last home. It sat on a little sphere holder and Hazel generally set her singing Tuba right near it, whenever she wasn’t carrying it with her or sleeping with it. There was a framed photo of the Monroe trio - her, Grace and GlamMother, on her wall, as well as a mirror with her name on a plaque against its expensive wood. All of the furniture was well made and personalized in some way. 

For instance, her dresser had a cartoon stylized version of her smiling face on the sides and her name in lights across the top of the vanity. The colors of the room were hazel, ivory and green, and her headboard had a turtle magnificently carved into it. Grace got her the same type of products that she purchased herself. She still used the same natural beauty brands that she swore by as an influencer (and recently was reconnected with many of them) including a rebirth campaign for her own line of products. It really was like rebirth, but this time, she was living on her own conditions. She also was building for her daughter, as well, but in a different way than what her mother did. She would always ask Hazel her opinion of things, what she wanted to do, if she liked or approved of certain things that she wanted to do for her. The emblem on Grace’s products would be from a drawing that Hazel did of Grace as a tree, sitting in a lotus position, her hair as the leaves and Hazel falling from the tree into her outstretched arms. It was a pretty good drawing for a 10 year old, and Grace wanted it to stay just as it was for their emblem. 

Grace made meal prep for if Hazel had turtle days. Half the time, Grace wound up throwing the greens into a smoothie, because Hazel was fine for the most part. But, she would keep up this practice of being prepared for a long time. 

She generally saw Hazel off to school herself, instead of putting her into a car with a driver or getting her to learn public transportation like she often saw kids doing while she was out and about in the city for her first few years. She wanted Hazel to be as protected and seen as she could without being that over sheltering type of mom that she sometimes felt like she was probably being. But, Hazel liked the attention. It was nice to have somebody always having her back and ensuring her safety. It was nice always having someone waiting for you when you step out into the world, to guide you back home. 

They’d had most of the summer to settle in and the new school year was Hazel’s favorite EVER. She was finally going to be somewhere that she was getting herself to believe wouldn’t be temporary… she might actually make friends! She met a couple of people that were really cool the first week - Lucy and Lindsay. They knew each other from before, but Lindsay had recognized her from the internet and invited her to sit with them at lunch. Lucy wasn’t allowed to get onto the internet, but Hazel noticed that she had a Tuba watch and they admitted that they both still watched/loved The Mighty Tuba and Her Musical Friends. Lindsay made fun of both of them, but it was in that way where Hazel could tell that she still liked them and was gonna be their friend. Hazel LOVED it and asked if she could invite them over soon for a tea party.

Of course she could. Grace rarely told Hazel no. If it was doable, safe, and harmed nobody, she didn’t see any reason to refuse her things that she was interested in. Plus, Mrs. Monroe had bought a very expensive tea party set for the girl that Grace had to get assembled on the balcony, because she had no idea where to put it in her place… which meant that the balcony basically belonged to Hazel’s tea set. Getting that woman to understand that her space in New York is nothing like the space that they had in California was almost impossible. Her mother couldn’t understand why she wouldn’t just seek out a bigger place. Like… just because I have my own money, I have to like… spend it like that?

But, Hazel began having her tea parties the second week of school. Mrs. Monroe wanted them to come to visit the weekend of the 23rd of August. “Mom. We’ve only been gone a couple of months. I told you that Hazel and I aren’t going to be coming back and forth like this.”

“I’m thinking if you catch a flight in the evening on Wednesday, Hazel won’t have to miss school that day. But, you definitely need to be here by Thursday evening’s dinner.” 

“Ugh. Mom.”

“Grace, this is important.”

She sighed. “Fine. But you aren’t seeing us again before Christmas break. Hazel has limited days off and I have things planned for my 23rd.”

“Yes, well… Julia or Gabriel, or whatever the hell this assistant’s name is will send you the list of things you need to pack.”

“Why would I need to pack things?”

“We’re going to take you to Belize, since you won’t be here for your birthday.”

“Ugh… I wish I could argue with a free trip to Belize… okay, fine. Tell ADRIENNE to send me the information.”

“Adrienne? That doesn’t sound right… oh, really? Huh. She says that is indeed her name. Well, she’s sending it. We’ll see you soon.”

Grace hung up and stretched, sputtered air through her lips and peeked out at the girls at their tea parties, with their hats and some of Grace’s good tea. “Hey, Haze… GlamMother wants to see us next week, so I’ll be packing our stuff and I’ll email the school to get your work for Thursday and Friday in advance so we can turn it in on Wednesday.”

“Yes, Mother,” Hazel said in her tea party voice. “Will we be seeing Mr. Laurent and his Sad Sorry Son Simon when we go to California?”

“I’m not planning on it. Just giving you a heads up.” The three girls raised their teacups to Grace and she smiled and went back inside to pack. Simon was back in Cambridge, as far as she knew. She had seen him around online, but never hovered, so she couldn’t be sure. But… that week was the week of his birthday. She wondered if her mother had remembered that information, or if her body was simply falling back on old habits of the season by wanting to do something around this time of year. It was a very random time to Grace for them to just want to go to Belize… though, usually Simon’s birthday was paired up with hers. The significance of his actual birth date would only matter to Grace, not her parents, as the things that they did typically occurred AFTER August 22nd. Grace shook her head and opened the email of things to pack, so that she could prepare early.

.

The Monroes had some guests, Grace could tell. Not a lot, so she wondered if this was like some politician’s immediate family or what, and she resigned herself to the thought that if for one little second her mom even tried to give her hell about taking a flight today, instead of last night (to come in all late in the night and throw off hers AND Hazel’s sleep schedule), she would take her ass right on to her old bedroom and wait for the call to go to Belize. She didn’t play that mess with her mom anymore. Hazel ran to the door and tiptoed a little to use the knocker. There was a doorbell, but something about that fancy old knocker always intrigued her.

A butler opened the door and tried to take Grace’s bags, but she struggled with him, knowing that she could do it herself. “If you won’t let him, let me,” she heard a familiar voice say. Simon. She froze. He was standing. Obviously in good enough health. He was smiling, but it became worried when she stared at him. He put his hands up and she noted that he was in some type of… weird coat draped over his arms, instead of wearing it, that she could see the top of his apology tattoos, and that his parents were at the table with hers.

Her mother got up and rushed over, “Don’t be silly! It’s his job.” She collected Hazel into a tight hug and Grace still stood there, in the open door as Hazel rushed to the table, hand in hand with her grandmother, to pass hugs around. “Surprise!” Mrs. Monroe cheered. “It’s Simon��s birthday dinner… and a therapy idea thing…”

“Therapy told you to surprise me by bringing me here, with these people, under the guise of a free trip to Belize?” Grace asked, very much not okay with this.

“No. We’re having a sit down, between all of us, as adults, to settle everything once and for all. There’s cake!” 

Hazel cheered, “Yayyy! Cake!”

Mrs. Monroe sighed and folded her arms, “My God, Grace, we really ARE going to Belize. Just sit down and enjoy dinner.” Grace pouted her way over to the seat next to Hazel. Simon returned to the one next to that one. His parents were across the table from them, and Mr. and Mrs. Monroe were on the opposite ends.

“This is messed up,” Grace muttered.

“All of us are messed up,” Mr. Monroe said. “It took a while for us to realize it. We spoke a few times when Simon was in the hospital, and we thought that eventually, both of you needed apologies from us and attempts for us to do better. Now, Grace… you had some things to say to Mr. Laurent the last time you were together…”

“I said it all. Nice to finally meet you, though,” she said to Mrs. Laurent, and her tone indicated that it wasn’t nice to meet her at all. Simon reached out and rubbed Grace on the back. She smiled a little at him, then looked confused and wondered why they were acting like nothing had ever happened. Then again, they had “gotten over” what did happen, and she guessed she was kinda touch starved, because it was nice to get physical comfort from somebody that wasn’t Hazel, for a change.

“Simon had many things to say to his parents before you arrived, too. Now that we’re all here, really… say whatever is on all of your minds. Simon… you’ve been sulking for two hours, but whenever Grace walked in, you immediately brightened up.” Simon blushed as Mr. Monroe made this extremely embarrassing announcement. Hazel cackled about it and ate a mouthful of potatoes. 

Simon shook his head, “I’m not sure what you mean by saying this, Mr. Monroe.”

“Just that we never really discussed the night that you came back into our lives, wanting to see Grace and apologize… You didn’t actually apologize until a while later and… we’re all curious about the journeys it took to get from where you were to…”

“No, Dad.” Grace shook her head. “No. Simon and I used to be best friends. I loved him. There was nobody in the world more important to me. When we broke, I broke. You don’t get to just have reflection on what led us all here, to possible health and contentment. Just… No. Where is the cake? I’m having some on the terrace. You want in, Si?” His eyes widened and he got up to follow her. The butler was bringing out the cake, and she took the whole tray. “Momma’s got you, Haze,” she said without breaking her stride. She went outside and Simon smiled as she set the cake down. “Cut my baby a piece of cake. I’ll get her dish.”

“Yes, Ma’am.”

Grace rolled her eyes at everybody in the room, grabbed Hazel’s desert plate and the bottle of wine from the table. She went back out and Simon was ready with Hazel’s slice. Whenever Grace gave it to her, she said, “I’ll be right out there if you need me.” Grace was… tired. She had been on a long flight, and to be faced with the Laurents AND her parents? And to have them acting like this was just okay to spring on someone? “They’re still messing up, but I guess at least they’re trying,” she glanced around. “I didn’t get glasses.” She frowned.

“S’ok. I don’t drink.” 

She smiled and said, “Neither do I, but remember whenever we were 14 and we said that we’d have our first drink together?”

“Yeah. We said on your 21st birthday.” He smiled and she felt warm in his gaze. She set the bottle down. “At any rate, they don’t need any wine. They’re being weird enough.”

“RIGHT?” Grace and Simon laughed awkwardly. “To be honest, I think that they realized that the only way to get me here was to hide their intentions from me. I wouldn’t have showed up if they had told me that they wanted to have dinner with your family.”

“Funny… I wouldn’t have come if they hadn’t told me, “Grace will be here for your birthday,” Simon admitted and leaned on the balcony rail. “All I wanted was to see you again. It’s all I could think about all month.”

“You’ve known about this all month? My mom called me last week!” She leaned next to him, her back against the rail, so that she could keep an eye on Hazel. For a moment, she had a flashback of the last time that they were out here together. The pain stung, but there was a numbness there… like that part of her that hurt was more like a limb that fell to sleep. “Hazel is the same age as we were when we met. I’ve been so paranoid about her running into trouble because I’m not present enough…”

“Is that what you think us meeting was? You running into trouble?” Simon asked. He didn’t seem offended, like he might have normally been. Just… curious.

“Don’t you think so? For both of us…”

He frowned and looked out at the Monroe yard. “I think that the people who messed up the most are all surrounding your kid right now.” 

“She loves them, though. I want her to have a good relationship with them. Not just because I didn’t, but because they’re the only grandparents she has.”

“Yeah, well… at the moment, MY parents are there too…” Grace stood up and folded her arms, looking at Hazel. Her parents had arranged for her and Simon to have their first joint birthday celebration since they were 16, and even arranged a sit down with the Laurents about everything that went wrong… Simon was also thinking about how messed up this was, because he added to her thoughts, “I feel weird about our parents finally talking, when we ourselves have finally gotten to good places in our lives and development.”

“I think it’s… A good thing, but just for them. For me… I think that the best thing has been that I survived. I thought that I was gonna die after everything. Nothing felt real. My whole life was just staring into nothingness and crying. I really did become the void…”

“No. You were NEVER that!” Simon said, putting his hand on her shoulder. “You always mattered. I was just too toxic to see that. The best thing for me has been that I realized how wrong I was…” Grace threw her arms around his neck and Simon relaxed in her arms and held her close. Every time was like the first time, but this was DIFFERENT different. This was the first hug that they had in some time and maybe even the first genuine one that they’ve had. Simon was caught up in his emotions, but quickly tried to keep them in check, “Wanna grab the kid and get outta here?” Simon asked, looking at her. They were still in the hug, but let some space in between their bodies.

Grace chuckled, “I mean… you know that my perfect birthday celebration is lowkey, with the closest people to me, some dogs and a walk around the creek. But, it’s not MY birthday.”

Simon turned and leaned back on the terrace this time, “If I had just done that with you for our 16th, things could have gone very differently.” 

“I think things would have eventually gone wrong anyway. We were both… beyond our own help. You seem fine now, though.”

“I’m not fine, but I’m better.” He shrugged his shoulders. 

“Grab the cake, I’ll grab the kid,” she said with a smile. Simon obeyed, as she went inside and he followed. “Haze, grab your bag. We’re headed out.

“Headed out?” Mrs. Monroe asked. “To where?”

“Simon and I are taking Hazel to our old stomping grounds.” Hazel jumped up excited. All four of the parents exchanged worried looks, which Grace ignored and put an arm around Hazel to guide her towards the door. “Hopefully… the rest of you will get whatever you need out of… this…”  They checked out early, giving their parents time to sort through their guilt.

The trio left the mansion, all three laughing and talking. Hazel about how she had heard so much about their adventures, though Simon was certain she only heard the sweet and not the… other stuff. He was just glad that Grace was willing to spend time with him again. It was the best birthday present he could’ve gotten. He didn’t deserve it, but he was going to be grateful.

Neither Simon or Grace had revisited much of their old places, so they wound up spending time well into the night taking Hazel to their childhood spots from when they were her age. Eventually she got so sleepy that she dozed off on the train and Simon had to carry her around. Grace told him that she could do it (she was pretty practiced in it and Hazel was a tall 10), with Simon still technically being in recovery for his injuries, but she guessed that his pride was still stubborn, because he insisted. 

They caught a cab back to the mansion, he put Hazel to bed, and Grace offered to walk him out. “Your parents have us in the guest house,” he said. 

“Excuse you?”

“We’re going to Belize… They didn’t tell you that EITHER?”

“What’re they trying to do? Get us back together??” She joked. 

He laughed, “Like you’d ever do that. You didn’t want me the first time.”

“That’s not true. I actually liked you way more than you liked me, because my feelings were selfless and pure.” He stared at his hands and nodded. She sat down in front of the front door and he sat next to her. “I wasn’t kidding whenever I’d say that I had the perfect relationship already, or whatever the hell I said that day. I can’t remember word for word, but I remember that all the words were true.”

“Yeah… If only I had been better.”

“Well… You said earlier that you’re better now.”

“Yeah…” He turned to look at her and she smiled and took his hand into hers. 

“We don’t have to talk about it. We can just live in it,” she said. That was always how she had been about them. No questions or comments about their feelings for each other, titles, etc. They were together and enjoying each other’s company again. The rest of the details were background noise. No things were not fine, and she didn’t know if things would ever be fine between them, considering the stuff that happened back then. But… things were better.

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