#being on hrt helps of course. but that also puts a deadline on the truth and what kind of life is that? mine i guess
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Hmm.
#personal#thinking about how much i talk about writing meaning something and that something is always best when its earnestly true to the writer#and then again about how a lot of my writing recently hasnt felt entire true or rather doesnt actually deal with the parts of me that#i would actually want to#and then good news figured out what those are and why its been so hard to put it into words#its about being a trans woman of course all the fantasy and worldbuilding and mechs and everything#but its never felt entirely right because how could it? when i dont even know what being a trans woman means to me?#how can i possibly create from that in any meaningful way to either discuss or disect it or even just to understand it#and the reason for why i dont (maybe cant) dig into those ideas is because im fucking terrified#what other response could there be to seeing transmysoginy rolled out as a structural force and how many other trans women its destroyed#so what else is there to be but be terrified? and just sit in the irony of pretending to be anything else#been scared so long that it feels normal. doesnt even register as fear very often any more#and every day taking that core idea of myself the real truth of myself and butchering it so the lie can live#because the lie is safe and familiar#and the truth might kill me even when its the first time ive ever been alive#being on hrt helps of course. but that also puts a deadline on the truth and what kind of life is that? mine i guess#and all this being in tags proves that terror is real and present and god fucking damn it#and here i am all 'boohoo! poor K! isnt she suffering so much?' fuck's sake
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