#and then again about how a lot of my writing recently hasnt felt entire true or rather doesnt actually deal with the parts of me that

[jacubesilvora]

Hmm.

[thoughtfulpaperback]

Charmed 02x17 SPOILERS!!!!!

Okay yall havent had time to do one of these in a while. But I had time to do a rewatch and so I am ready.

Non-spoilery part of this . . . I give the episode a 9/10. The writing (on its own and I'll get into it later) was better than many episodes this season so far. I have mentioned it multiple times this season that episodes 1 to 3 of this season had a different style and scope and (imo) writing pace than the rest of the season except for some of the most recent episodes. While I did have some favorite episodes later on everything pretty much after three didnt feel as grand as far as style went. These last few episodes the writing and style just got turned up. Which is actually great and super frustrating. The writers seem to have the same problem they had last season that is proper plot development/management. We shouldnt be getting all the interesting stuff at the beginning dragging everything out and making no plot progression, then theoughing in all the interesting stuff at the end to get us to stick around. We should have gotten the more plot development throughout the season not just big info bombs ever so often with little devoplement everywhere else.

Here is the truth and I hate it, we had more meaningful screen time and character development with Mel and Abby this one episode than in the entire season. Which is a no-no in my book. The episode on it's own is solid, interesting, and I argue well written, but it should have happened earlier. The things that were good about this episode should have been implemented this entire season. I mean not show will have an A + episode everytime. There will be filler. But it has honestly felt like the writers didnt know what they were doing with certain characters development until last minute. I don't know if that's true, it is just how it has come off to me. So I can understand the frustrations people have felt with this season and its writing. I have them but this episode had me invested and on the edge of my seat. I am excited for more. Which honestly hasnt been the case for many of the episodes this season. I dont mind the last minute overused troupe. I love fanfiction and so I do not easily tire of them, but again pulling it towards the end of the season when many plotlines have been subpar or are least handled in a subpar manner . . .

But on to the spoilers. I am going to go back to the standard likes, dislikes, and episode highlights

1. Abigael character development

Like yall it wasnt much, but like it was more than this entire season so far. I still have no idea what they are doing with Abby-and for me personally it is a little too late to salvage the damage-but the development was actually welcomed. It should have happened sooner. The writers need to pick a lane at this point and just reveal what they want us to think about her (you know like they do with plot bombs) because after some of the stuff and little character development some of us have just soured to Abby. I dont actually dislike the character I just am fustrated with the poor development overall. But I mean had they been doing these little moments across the season rather than setting her up in that weird, poorly handled, and now seemingly dropped love shape with her Harry and Macy (they completely didnt need to have her in there they could have introduced julian earlier on rather than put Macy in a relationship with him after she seemed to realize she had feelings for Harry and then it wouldnt have seemed like she was using julian as much).

2. Mel and Abby moments

The plot was interesting, the development of both characters was better. I mean seriously yall Mel admitting her mom wasnt perfect!!! Given the basic Marisol worship mel had last season and the lack so far of acknowledgement that Marisol made mistakes (regarding thier lives and Marisols marriage). Honestly if they had dropped the Abby Harry crap and had more mel and abby or abby Macy (considering I felt mads and poppy had some great on screen chemistry in the beginning and played well off each other even though it was antagonistic after episode 2) moments like these I feel not only would we know the character better but wed have had better plotlines overall.

Although I think Mel is too quick to overlook all of Abby's past behavior . . . She killed innocent witches and wants to be a demon overlord (or wanted, we dont know what she wants now). But Mel recognizing her mother's flaws and being open to th possibility of being wrong (something she has struggles with both seasons and only gets slightly addressed, if it gets addressed, when it happens) I mean I am here for it.

3. Jordan

I think what has been missing this season is the wittiness of last season and also the genuine fluff. I mean Jordan's comment about kissing Aunt Viv. 10 stars clever (true and revealing about inequity in punishment and treatment of men of color when it comes to sexual assult and harrassment) His excitement over magic. I mean in a lot of ways Jordan is what Galvin should have been/tried to be, but the writers can't seem to do relationship drama and good character development at the same time so....

Jordan is the best and I hope the writers dont mess it up.

4. Julian

So I like the reveal, because I think there is still room to wonder what exactly Julian does and doesnt know. What I understood from this episode is that Julian is behind the experiments in that he started them but the the creatures with those healing powers so that he can take those and use them to heal other. My guess is through creating "more" whitelighters or maybe they og thought they'd just figure out how to raise the dead. Julian at his core (so far) wants to help as many people as possible. Does he know that the creatures die in the process? Is he utilitarian and thinks it is justified? Or is aunt Viv the head person of the actual goings on and Julian is far enough removed from all of it he can emotionally detached from that. Like how for some people it is easier to hear about death than it is to witness it. I think most people are like this but I wont generalize.

Will he change his mind or will we see a different more sinister side of Julian. Like I am interested in getting to know more about his character now, because he has sort of been there as a plot prop more than an interesting character with development. Which is on the writers, the actor is killing it.

5. Hacy

Yall dont get me wrong I think after all the bad writing and angst that the writers did for most of this season, to pull a stunt like that basically at the end of the season was soo wrong.

But I feel that on it's own these moments of Macy confronting and admitting her feelings, the confession, and the little moments (like that face caress and holding him when they get him out of the cointainer) were precious.

That's the stuff we needed more of. Instead of the passive aggressiveness. I know some people hate the amnesia troupe but I prefer it to what they did with the abigael kiss and the jealousy love shape stuff.

Dislikes

1. Middle finger to season 1 and Galvin

Like dont get me wrong, emotional issues dont disappear from one moment to the other and some trauma takes years to overcome if it ever is overcome. But like wasnt Macy admitting she was lonely her whole life and it affected her ability to attach to people and recognize when she wanted someone the basic plot of season 1. I mean she straight up says in the last season that she was so concerned about whether someone wanted her that she never considered what she wanted. And then she says she wants Galvin and now she is saying she never realized when she wanted someone

I think a lot of season 1 has in some ways been "redone" this season. I dont like it because we came here from season 1. We recognized it was flawed. But we still invested time into it. I didnt mind a lot of it, in the beginning to be honest (maybe because I felt it was mostly scenery and vibe than actual erasing plot) but particularly in this episode it felt they were basically saying, "let's pretend it never happened" about the whole first season....okay harry.

In some ways I liked the sort of do over of some character types. I like Jordan as the "mortal in the know" more so than Galvin. I just dont think Galvin was well developed and handled last season. They are doing better with Jordan which is good because if they had messed up the writing for him too I would have been casting my "yall coming off as racist again, do better" look. My biggest fear is that they will mess up Jordan especially if they progress his relationship with Maggie. The writers seem unable to write good/healthy relationships and character development and still give good plotlines at the same time.

Episode highlights.

Macy rehearsing her break up with her sisters

Aunt Viv really trying it with Jordan

"Even white men can't do that anymore."

Abby bringing her bags the the house

[tryingtofindclarity-blog]

Forgivness isnt Forgiving

Yeah I know that you all are probably thinking what type of nonsense im about to write after a title like that but im so serious. I want to jump back 2 years (2 years i know, i need to move on) but there was a series of events that took place almost 2 years ago (in May) that i have been trying to conqeur ever sense. Maybe someday i will get into depth on what specifically took place, but to put it in simple terms, my boyfriend of 3 years had now cheated once again (i dont even want to get to how many times that makes it) and we had a serious domestic violence altercation. This relationship was past toxic. I never wanted to leave my bed, my grades were suffering because i never wanted to go to class, and i was constantly paranoid. i mean what type of relationship is built upon no trust. he couldve told me that he was going to the grocery store and i wouldve hopped in my car and driven there to make sure that thats where he truly was. I truly lived the most unhealthy life in the entire world and i couldnt stop it. This relationship was true poison but i was either blind, scared, or too confused to find a way to get out of it.  

well, as time has come and gone from this particular instance taking place, i had grown nothing but recentment towards my ex. He took pieces of me that i am still to this day trying to get back. However, he has managed to go unphased, unbothered, and unaffected by the entire situation. I think hands down, that situation was the most impactiual on my life to this date. 

After having been forced by my parents to move back home and as far away from him as humanly possible, I was diagnosed with severe depression, anxiety and PTSD from that particular night. Again, maybe one day i will go into detail about it all, but thats far outside of my comfort zone at this point. I was seeing my “life coach” (a sugar coated name for a therapist), every monday to try and find ways to move past this horrible point in my life. I was pissed. He took Auburn away from me, he took my friends away from me, my happiness, my diginity, and truly just the real Ashley that i had been, he robbed it all from me. I couldnt help but be extremely angry that i was stripped to barely nothing because of him, yet he walked around unaffected, unbothered, and unphased by the events that had taken place.  I mean how unfair is it to subject a woman to all the lies, infedelity, and then domestic violence, and then live life as if it never happened. i mean it has to take a truly sick individual to be able to wake up and look themselves in the mirror knowing damn well what they have done, and not even think twice about it. i wanted something bad to happen to him, and im not talking anything dramatic, but i was ready for karma to hit him like a ton of bricks. 

I learned that waiting for karma to happen wasnt healthy. I learned that looking at his (or anyone that he associated with) social media wasnt healthy. i learned that allowing myself to think that that is the norm, wasnt healthy. I was regaining my strength back and was starting to cope with everything that had taken place. i had finally realized just how screwed up that entire 3 year relationship was, but i still couldnt get past the fact that he wasnt as miserable as i was. I think then came in the idea of forgiveness.  I dont know about you but i always understood forgiveness to be something that you do when someone does you wrong, to let them know that you are not affected by it any longer and that you are looking to move forward. i was still affected by it and i was not looking to move forward, so what do i need to forgive him for. that was my mind set. 

i needed to forgive him for me, not for him. i needed to move forward, not for him, but for me. i needed to not let it affect me anymore, not for him, but again for me. i wasnt forgiving him because i wanted him to no longer feel guilt, i forgave him so that i could once and for all put this in my past. i still think that he is a P.O.S. and i still long for the day that karma catches up to him, but my heart doesnt race when i hear his name, i dont care to see what is going on in his life, and i dont allow anything that he does to affect me. 

i am stronger because of this forgiveness. its like i forgave myself for being so nieve to allow someone who is so lousey to take away so much from me for so long. 

Blogging is something that i have always had an interest in because i used to always write down how i felt and then would usually just delete it and would still feel so much relief just getting everything in my mind down on paper. It hasnt been until lately when 2 girls very close to me experienced similar situations and felt all the pain that i felt, that i started to realize that the strong and confident person that i have worked so hard to become, has a lot to give back to my friends and other women in general. im not blogging because i want sympathy or that i want to put my buisness out in the open. I'm blogging because 1. it truly makes me feel better and 2. i want other people, my close friends or not, to see that they are not alone and nothing is worth experiencing on there own. i know that lonely feeling and its very easy to isolate yourself and go down that depressed path, but there is no need for it and if i can prevent anyone from going through the trauma that i did, i will. 

So here i am, extending an olive branch to anyone that may need it. No obstacle is worth conquering on your own and there is so much power that comes with bouncing your thoughts and emotions off of someone else. 

thank you all for reading and i look forward to sharing more about my growth and development. 

[sxdomy]

All numbers

1: when you have cereal, do you have more milk than cereal or more cereal than milk? more cereal2: do you like the feeling of cold air on your cheeks on a wintery day? not @ all3: what random objects do you use to bookmark your books? tissues, napkins, sticky notes, random cuts of notebook paper4: how do you take your coffee/tea? two-four sugars w creamer or 1/2 n 1/2 (tea)5: are you self-conscious of your smile? not after i got braces6: do you keep plants? no7: do you name your plants? 8: what artistic medium do you use to express your feelings? idk the only art i do is in photography, and i try to do dark/spooky shit.. it doesnt have a meaning9: do you like singing/humming to yourself? yes10: do you sleep on your back, side, or stomach? side 11: what's an inner joke you have with your friends? i dont rly have a friends group, less drama that way12: what's your favorite planet? smth has always intrigued me abt mars13: what's something that made you smile today? lars (:14: if you were to live with your best friend in an old flat in a big city, what would it look like? idc it's somewhere to live.. we can fix it up if we have the money. if so, i would prob have a bunch of shit everywhere lmao15: go google a weird space fact and tell us what it is! it says language programming ??16: what's your favorite pasta dish? some plain old penne/rigatoni w red gravy, but it has to be GOOD red gravy .. none of that ragu/preggo shit17: what color do you really want to dye your hair? black and it already is dyed that color, but i do want to experiment a bit and get few pieces red18: tell us about something dumb/funny you did that has since gone down in history between you and your friends and is always brought up. JESUS.. these are endless... once i RLY had to pee, and i was @ school. it was after school hrs. my friend and i were waiting for the game to start. all the doors were locked up @ the school. i think they took out the portapotty from outside, so i said to my friend, "let's go to the lower field" (we have an upper and lower field idk what other schools have lmao) despite it saying there are cameras down there (which IK for sure bc i've seen the computer w the school cameras, and there are ones surveilling the fields), i peed. in 8th grade during lunch, this girl pissed me the fuck off. i can't remember what she did, but i picked up her sandwich and threw it to the ground.another time in 8th grade during gym, my friends and i were fooling around during a fitness walk (walk thru the trail surrounded by woods oooo). i was yelling "IN DA GREENZ" bc i was a rly weird kid, and now we bring it up whenever we see bushes. OKAY lasT memORYYY in 8th grade, i was on the soccer team. i sucked @ it... the ball was coming to me, and i tried to kick it. instead of kicking it, my foot went on top of the ball resulting in my fall19: do you keep a journal? what do you write/draw/ in it? i used to keep a journal. last winter was the most recent journal i'd had, and my guidance counselor purchased it for me. i was going thru a rly hard time, and it was an outlet from that. after the winter ended, i never felt the need to write in it again.. it hasnt gotten that bad20: what's your favorite eye color? lars' eye color21: talk about your favorite bag, the one that's been to hell and back with you and that you love to pieces. 22: are you a morning person? depends... if my sleeping schedule is just like that, I LOVE WAKING UP IN THE MORNING. if i don't usually, then no fuck it lmao23: what's your favorite thing to do on lazy days where you have 0 obligations? literally nothing, but i do that when i have obligations... i get to it @ some point24: is there someone out there you would trust with every single one of your secrets? lars25: what's the weirdest place you've ever broken into? i've broken into my friend's house and my own. breaking into my friend's house wasn't rly that weird. i was out of it bc i had hardly gotten sleep the previous night. i also had permission lmao it wasn't as if i just went in. my friend had forgotten her key. breaking into my own house was actually bizarre ...26: what are the shoes you've had for forever and wear with every single outfit? i usually wear my docs, but i switch out. before getting my docs, i wore my all black vans W LITERALLY EVERYTHING. the only time i wouldnt was when i wore a light outfit, which wasnt often bc 98% of the time i wear all black27: what's your favorite bubblegum flavor? i don't chew gum. it has aspartame, which is literally poison28: sunrise or sunset? i haven't seen a sunset since i was a child, and i want to definitely see it again29: what's something really cute that one of your friends does and is totally endearing? monty is my lover30: think of it: have you ever been truly scared? yes31: what is your opinion of socks? do you like wearing weird socks? do you sleep with socks? do you confine yourself to white sock hell? really, just talk about socks. socks are good. if you wear them in the cold months around the house, you are less susceptible to sickness. they also work well when you wear them w most shoes bc they prevent sweat. lars take notes (; i love wearing weird socks. i love socks. i usually never match socks bc no one will see them?? if i wear a black sock, i try to match w another black sock tho. i do sleep w socks in the cold months. otherwise, my feet would freeze. sometimes i wear multiple socks in the summer to keep my feet warm. i do wear white socks sometimes32: tell us a story of something that happened to you after 3AM when you were with friends. i wasn't w my friends, but i found a drunken man in my rm after 3am on st. patricks day two yrs ago33: what's your fave pastry? cannoli34: tell us about the stuffed animal you kept as a kid. what is it called? what does it look like? do you still keep it? i kept this one stuffed animal who was a girl. she had blonde braids, and i used to kiss her on the lips when no one was looking. i knew it was weird bc she wasn't real. i also used to pretend i was fucking her... it was a weird childhood. idk where she is now35: do you like stationary and pretty pens and so on? do you use them often? I LOVE PENS!!!! okay im going to sound like a weirdo.. i only love certain kinds. i hate cheap ass pens. my fav pens are the ones that u click on the bottom to get the tip bc the clicking helps me concentrate. it's also fun to just click it. i haven't used a clicky one in awhile bc i bought myself pentels. i love pentels as well bc they come in nice colors, and i rly like the cap for it. i like pens that come from certain companies bc it looks like i've been somewhere.. maybe i have? i've gotten free pens from places and some of them i just found w that lettering lmao 36: which band's sound would fit your mood right now? nine inch nails (:37: do you like keeping your room messy or clean? dont care as long as ik where everything is. my parents call it messy, but i call it my peace38: tell us about your pet peeves! i hate when ppl put things back where they don't belong. idk i dont keep track of this shit39: what color do you wear the most? black40: think of a piece of jewelry you own: what's it's story? does it have any meaning to you? none41: what's the last book you remember really, really loving? 1984 by george orwell42: do you have a favorite coffee shop? describe it! starbucks LMAO43: who was the last person you gazed at the stars with? no one44: when was the last time you remember feeling completely serene and at peace with everything? the last time i was w lars45: do you trust your instincts a lot? yes46: tell us the worst pun you can think of. idk47: what food do you think should be banned from the universe? high fructose corn syrup48: what was your biggest fear as a kid? is it the same today? idr what it was then, but now it's getting raped.. ive had this fear since i was 14 i think49: do you like buying CDs and records? what was the last one you bought? i dont usually buy that shit50: what's an odd thing you collect? wristbands.. i like to say i've been places51: think of a person. what song do you associate with them? lars , peach // the front bottoms52: what are your favorite memes of the year so far? the yr just started, bUT I LOVE IAN'S (IDUBZZZZ) VIDEO OF "I HAVE CRIPPLING DEPRESSION"53: have you ever watched the rocky horror picture show? heathers? beetlejuice? pulp fiction? what do you think of them? i want to see rocky horror picture show. i've seen heathers, beetlejuice, and pulp fiction. i love heathers and beetlejuice. i didn't understand pulp fiction entirely, but that could be bc i was spammed by a gc while watching it54: who's the last person you saw with a true look of sadness on their face? idk55: what's the most dramatic thing you've ever done to prove a point? idk56: what are some things you find endearing in people? smile57: go listen to bohemian rhapsody. how did it make you feel? did you dramatically reenact the lyrics? i never realized that this song sounds like five mini songs put together... i did reenact them in my head58: who's the wine mom and who's the vodka aunt in your group of friends? why? nonexistent lol59: what's your favorite myth? black eyed children60: do you like poetry? what are some of your faves? anything from edgar allan poe61: what's the stupidest gift you've ever given? the stupidest one you've ever received? idk i hate getting gifts i'd rather give them, but i don't usually give them bc i never have money when it's time62: do you drink juice in the morning? which kind? ORANGE!63: are you fussy about your books and music? do you keep them meticulously organized or kinda leave them be? no64: what color is the sky where you are right now? grey65: is there anyone you haven't seen in a long time who you'd love to hang out with? lars66: what would your ideal flower crown look like? idk67: how do gloomy days where the sky is dark and the world is misty make you feel? i have SAD soooo68: what's winter like where you live? FUCKING HORRIBLE, but it's worse in other places69: what are your favorite board games? ive been missing guess who? lately70: have you ever used a ouija board? no, but my math teacher says u have to make it from a certain wood and put a spell on it for it to work... too much work 😩71: what's your favorite kind of tea? lipton lemon!!!!!72: are you a person who needs to note everything down or else you'll forget it? i try to note everything down, but sometimes i can remember things w/o writing them down73: what are some of your worst habits? staying in bed for too long74: describe a good friend of yours without using their name or gendered pronouns. bye75: tell us about your pets! i have a dog, and she's old af lmao i never rly liked her idk i hate dogs76: is there anything you should be doing right now but aren't? homework and probably calling up my new job to see when i have to go in.. cant be arsed.. 77: pink or yellow lemonade? pink78: are you in the minion hateclub or fanclub? FANCLUB!!! (:79: what's one of the cutest things someone has ever done for you?lars gave me cute cat headphones80: what color are your bedroom walls? did you choose that color? if so, why? white.. i didn't choose it81: describe one of your friend's eyes using the most abstract imagery you can think of. i can't rn82: are/were you good in school? i made it into university, so i guess so83: what's some of your favorite album art? the devin n god are raging inside of me // brand new .. cant think of many in particular84: are you planning on getting tattoos? which ones? one in remembrance of my friend who died and a full sleeve85: do you read comics? what are your faves? no86: do you like concept albums? which ones? YES YES YESSSS MANSON 'S CONCEPTS R SO GOOD (: 87: what are some movies you think everyone should watch at least once in their lives? idk88: are there any artistic movements you particularly enjoy? i just rly like frida kahlo89: are you close to your parents? no90: talk about your one of you favorite cities. i want to visit/live in philly so badly ):91: where do you plan on traveling this year? texas92: are you a person who drowns their pasta in cheese or a person who barely sprinkles a pinch? i only put a little fresh mozz on it if there is quite a bit93: what's the hairstyle you wear the most? i just wear my hair the same everyday94: who was the last person you know to have a birthday? lars95: what are your plans for this weekend? none96: do you install your computer updates really quickly or do you procrastinate on them a lot? omfg i had 20 or so awaiting updates last summer that i had to finally do bc it was fucking up my computer97: myer briggs type, zodiac sign, and hogwarts house? what98: when's the last time you went hiking? did you enjoy it? i dont hike99: list some songs that resonate to your soul whenever you hear them. NOBODY'S PERFECT BY HANNAH MONTANA100: if you were presented with two buttons, one that allows you to go 5 years into the past, the other 5 years into the future, which one would you press? why? 5 yrs into the future.. why would i want to relive the last 5 yrs of life ?? idk im just fine living w my past mistakes.. they've shaped me

[sleeplesssecrets]

today is the fifth anniversary of my miscarriage. my middle school math teacher’s daughter just had a baby today. i dont feel anything. i never truly did unless someone else does. the day it happened i didnt express myself at all and i can’t remember what i was thinking exactly, i can just remember how much pain that was. it was nothing compared to full term labor, but at that time it was the most physical pain i had ever experienced in my life. the top three most insufferable physical pains i have experienced are labor, a miscarriage, and a disease i have i dont talk about because its not that big of a deal but when it happens it’s completely miserable. the worst emotional pain ive ever felt is hard to pin point because ive never really had a terrible thing happen in my life that affected me so bad emotionally. i guess the worst is having poor self image, which is an eh on the emotional pain scale compared to losing a baby to most people. my mom thinks im more sensitive about my miscarriage than i am. im more sensitive to her emotions. anyways im watching a new show i dont like so far and i hate how poorly they portray people. its just not believable. people dont talk to each other in code or fast and witty jokes all the time. people talk over each other and dont know what to say and dont say everything theyre thinking. i dont always have the right words or perfect story or best possible response. yesterday we were out with tanner’s grandparents and his grandma recently lost her mother. she said that losing her mom is a completely different pain than losing anyone else you love. and i awkwardly smiled nicely and watched her eyes swell with tears and didnt know what to say. i didnt want to say im sorry or that i understand or anything i obviously dont really mean. so i didnt say anything. i dont think im a very relatable person so i really dont know what to say. ive been trying really hard lately to be a patient and active listener and it’s paying off. it has it’s downsides but the best part is the more i listen the less i have to share. people love to talk about things and i have always been envious of people who cared about what other people had to say. people who listen and make eye contact and nod their heads and remember what people tell them. i always thought i was the type of person who didnt feel like i have to give up a part of me to be there for other people and it’s not like that. im not giving a single thing up from myself when i hear what other people have to say. not even my time. my time is relatively less important than having a conversation about anything with anyone. anyways i have one empty notebook on my bookshelf and i hate writing in real life for lots of reasons. the biggest one being anything you write is permanent, even if it was with pencil or whatever. you can burn the sheet of paper you wrote something regrettable down on and it doesn’t take away from the fact that you had to write something down and it was so bad you had to destroy it. ive written about a couple of my insecurities on this blog before and i realized how much they mean to me after i made them real by writing about them and posting it. it made them worse maybe. it doesnt help me to talk about things to myself. although i dont write to help myself, i write because i love to type and sheer boredom. nothing on this entire blog but the insecurities ive written about really explore myself. for my one empty notebook, ive been considering writing a couple major things down in it. and just keeping it on the bookshelf. i have had blatant secrets spelled out easy for anyone to see folded up in notes to my friends scattered on my bedroom floor and no one has ever had the mind to pick them up and read them. i could write about my greatest fears in that notebook and seal them away anticlimactically by shutting the book and putting it back where i had it. it’s the same meaningless notebook, same meaningless spot on my shelf, same meaningless arrangement with all the other same meaningless things i keep near it, just with fears and secrets and shadows and bottled up thoughts inside. i can take away from the realness of written out negative thoughts by storing them next to tanner’s unused bible and my high school graduation cd. but i probably wont do that. my next writing project is a google doc called in the case that i die. tanner gave me one condition about my dating life if he dies. and it made me wonder if i had any conditions for if i die. if i have any certain ways i want things to be after my death if it should happen so soon. i dont think i do but i cant know unless i start writing it haha. of all the things i fear, i dont necessarily fear death. ive come to terms with the end of my life. speaking of fear and death, i really miss roller coasters right now for some reason lmao. when i was little i would ride anything my height limit. if it went upside down, sideways, stopped midair, turned the lights off unexpectedly, or jerked you around i was not afraid. im still not, and i think im more of a thrill seeker than i thought i was. i dont say no to anything that feels dangerous but isn’t, like roller coasters. there is the inherent danger of them breaking, but if i die on a roller coaster i die happy. if i get severely injured on one i might think differently but that hasnt happened so im not going to worry about it. anyways. a question a lot of people have been asking me is what im going to do for my honey moon, and tanners parents are offering to gift us a cruise vacation after we get married, but tanner and i were talking about going next year when we have money again haha. i want to really enjoy it and whatever they say about money not bringing true happiness is stupid. having fun and having money overlap. and having fun and having other people’s money is the same thing ha. also, we have loosely planned a pregnancy... idk we havent talked it out details wise, but i want to have another baby before i never have another baby. my grandma had 5 babies like, 10 or 15 years apart i cant remember. and thats amazing and i low-key want that but also really dont. i think ill have one more baby, then start donating my eggs if im eligible. my mom hates that idea which makes me want to do it more. im a fertile but fragile human and i want to share my fertility with people by donating my pretty, smart lil eggs to people who will love them. women are born with all the eggs they ever will have in their entire life, but not all women have viable eggs and not all couples have uteruses at all. i want to extend the fruits of my womb to humanity. anyways im gonna go