#the fear expression is so important to me. its the “it's all going to be reset” moment. i dunno why that stuck with me
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skeletonlover69 · 8 months ago
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expression practice i made for sans!
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p1x1x · 6 months ago
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me pushing myself further with my art drawing really cool perspectives and whatever with the Duo and then i turn around and make lame cutesy ship art waaahhah 😭😭😭
dont read the tags on this if you havent watched gbc i just ramble spoilers 😭 just uhh screaming yknow. mostly mmnn but i like the other characters i swear its just these guys are making me insane
#UGGGGGGGHhhH the duo ever rn…#theyre jsut. so important to each other#supporting each other in their honest expression#FLIP OFF THE WORLD#and i mentioned once on twitter about how real mmk’s fear was#music is everything to her… so for those songs she wrote of her own expression to not be accepted or seen as successful..#yeah that Hurts#i totally get the feeling of wanting to quit… bc why would you want to be hurt that way…#OUUGGGH music (art in general) being able to leave a mark on people…! it can change people…! dont stop making art…!!!!!#but then there’s the side of me that sees all those moments and be like Hell yeah thats some romantic shit… wooo codependency yuri…#going into romantic ship mode#ouggggh but theres also the slightly messed up fact that mmk saw nn less as nn and more as her own past self#and how mmk was not really guiding nn the person so much as she was trying to fulfill her dream through nn#(ok my wording might get confusing but im RAMBLING OKAY)#GOD NN’S VA AND LINES WERE SOOOOO GOOD#mmk stuck in trying to amend her past…! but nn pulls her back to the present#back to reality and shows her that she can still fulfill that dream that desire…!#you saved me with that song its that important and i love it so i love you who laid bare your feelings#UGH THE TRUCK SCENE THAT THAT THAT UUUUGGGGHHFHH#she loves the real mmk…!#god what was i saying with codependency yuri earlier…?#oh right nn only being able to keep going now bc of mmk#hhhhhhhhh#and well. mmk having her happiness depend on keeping nn going (bc of yeah. seeing her past self in her…)#but the confession makes mmk realize what she was doing#(yet still good stuff for codependency yuri)#ok im shutting the fuck up now 😭
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phagodyke · 4 months ago
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was gonna say smth else but this turned into a vent sorry everyone just ignore. typical weekend post on this blog u know how it is here we go👍
#wild ik so many ppl getting married meanwhile im over here struggling to convince myself my friends even care abt me or want me around#pathetic to admit but i cant even fantasise abt someone loving me bc im too insecure n emotionally unstable#my mind just shoots the idea down like whoa. unrealistic. ur incapable of expressing or receiving affection in any way that matters#no matter how badly u want to... and even if someone did well u wouldnt believe them most of the time#gotta get out of the fucking labyrinth first i couldnt inflict this shit on anyone i cared abt#but it makes me so desperately sad sometimes i dont know how im ever going to get out of this ive been trying for years and years#and im a little better at it snd i dont feel like this all of the time i know it just comes around and itll pass again#but im tired of being in so much emotional pain so frequently. and shouldering it so alone. theres such a disconnect between myself and#others and i dont know how to bridge that i don't know how to stop feeling so isolated and unwanted !!!!!! im trying so hard#it doesnt even bother me w relative strangers in my life like i dont get insecure at all around them i like meeting new ppl#bc theres like. no expectations i guess. like ik they dont care abt me personally and idk them well enough to do that either#and its fun but it doesnt satisfy needs that i have like i need to feel close + connected to ppl i need to care abt them + feel cared for#but as soon as i do start to care abt ppl it gets all tangled and i end up getting rly badly hurt over and over. thru no fault but my own#bc im constantly alienating myself and bc i struggle so much w shit like physical affection which is frustratingly rly critical for me!!!!#it wouldnt fucking matter if i didnt like or want affection ik some ppl are fine without i wish it worked like that for me#but nope instead i have to be constantly messed up over my complete fucking inability to express myself in any form#and ik it makes everyone around me so uncomfortable so it just becomes self reinforcing and eventually they drift and leave me behind#and i just do that over and over and over and every time ill tell myself ill do better ill try harder and itll get easier and someone will#and it happens again and right now im at the stage where the abandonment fear is starting to kick in which is awful n paralysing#and usually a precursor to actually being abandoned ehich is always my own fault bc i start behaving so erratically out of fear or defense#its self fulfilling and im trying. im trying so hard not to let it overwhelm me again and not to start acting out and freaking ppl out#and im coping with it okay i think but just hurts me a lot its all internal my rejection sensitivity is gradually ticking up and up#and argh!!!!!!!!! and some days im okay and some days its like this and i dont know what todo when its like this im so tired and in pain#its not even that bad today tbf. once im done typing this to get it out ill be able to do smth else and distract mysrlf for a bit#and then calling friends later too so exposure therapy innit. but itll be fun and i love them but i will probably also feel very bad after#or even possibly during but thats okay ill still manage fine im not going to let it interfere i dont want it controlling my fucking life#i am going to have a nice time and be okay despite it all. even if i do have to fucking battle this every day forever#and even if it stops me living my life to the extent i want and feeling as ok as i want i just have to come to terms with and be ok w it#and im not going to be!!! a fucking asshole abt it!!! i dont want to hurt anyone else thats the most important thing no matter how i feel#thr rest is all secondary and ik i cant help a few little bumps here and there but trying hardest to keep it separate its not negotiable
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deadsetobsessions · 10 months ago
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Danny laid across his throne, legs planted across the left arm of the ornate chair and back pressed uncomfortably against the right.
"Listen," Danny started, letting his head flop to the side as he glared at a hovering Observant. "This meeting has wasted enough of my time. You all have been arguing for hours and that's without Clockwork slowing things down."
"Your Majesty, this is a matter of great importance. Belial means to overthrow and rule my-our world!"
"I am distinctly aware aware of that," Ancients, Danny couldn't wait to go home and rid himself of the formal speech he'd had to adopt in order to be taken seriously. Well, as seriously as he cared to be taken when sprawled across his throne instead of sitting on it intimidatingly or something. He slowly placed his gaze on the suddenly still demon sitting across from him. "Yet you've proposed fifteen different plans that were all unviable for whatever reasons you've cooked up. Your conclusion is that I must step in. Does your world not have heroes to take care of it?"
The demon- another lord of hell from this Belial’s universe- fell silent.
“Ah. But if they do, they would also take care of you.”
“No- no, that’s not-”
Danny allowed his voice to drop to the artic freeze he knew his core was capable of. "I opened these these doors to allow all of you to present me with reasonable concerns regarding your own universes and realms. What is not on the table for discussion is your petty politics. Do you think I am unaware of your intentions in tattling to me? That I do not know you are trying to use me to further your own position?"
"Your Majesty, I-" The demon growled out, fear slowly coating its expression.
"It no longer amuses me. You think that I am young and easy to manipulate." Danny froze the demon to its chair. It tried to break free, but Danny isn't the High King of the Infinite Realms for nothing. "Bring to me a miserable problem like this ever again, one that could be easily solved if you used even a smidgen of your intelligence, and you will find exactly how I tore Pariah Dark from his throne."
Not that Danny knew how he did it either, he just did it.
"Yes, Your Majesty. My-my apologies."
The room is dead (Danny patted himself on the back for the pun) silent. Some of the Ancients looked bored, like Clockwork who knew Danny would never hurt them, but everyone else looked close to crying. He held eye contact with the demon until it looked away.
When Danny settled back into the throne and allowed his ice to dissipate, the room let out a collective sigh of relief.
"The next item on the agenda is another demon, by the name of Trigon." Clockwork announced, the large piece of paper comically huge next to his currently toddler-like body.
"Another?"
He flicked an amused look at the previous demon, who kept his trap firmly shut.
"He is attempting to take over multiple worlds in an attempt to conquer the universe. I had thought you would be interested in this one, Your Majesty, as he plans to begin with Earth 135."
Danny stilled. That was his Earth. His haunt.
"Does he know of the Realms?"
"Vaguely, I believe."
"Then he should know the rules. I will wait to see if my Earth's heroes are capable to step to the task."
Danny would be a hypocrite if he doesn’t let the heroes of his Earth try first, even if he is one of those heroes.
"Of course," Clockwork grinned at him, fully aware of the shit Danny's about to stir back home. Ah, the wonders of being able to influence the time stream. Perhaps the young Ghost King will finally get some friends, and maybe get those pesky speedsters to stop making his jobs so hard. Cujo yipped at Danny as the King begrudgingly moved onto the next topic.
——
Raven shuddered as she watched the footage of her "brothers" laughing while steering their human "meatbags" around. She turned back to the giant circle of donated blood and herb filled candles.
“This is a nuclear option, don’t you think?” Green Arrow mumbled, clearly not against it by the half hearted way he’d said it. The Star City billionaire nursed his cracked ribs.
“No,” she floated over to where Zatanna and Constantine kneeled, trying to see if they needed help with the inscriptions. “Trigon is coming soon, and my brothers will no doubt find their way here in a moment. We are out of time.”
“Yeah. Plus, we don’t want Raven to be turned into a portal.” Garfield piped up, switching animal forms rapidly.
“No one dies.” Red Robin muttered. His wrist computer was open, monitoring the surroundings of the open field they found themselves uneasily occupying. Batman grunted in affirmation, eyeing the tree line. Every hero except the magical ones were on look out, preparing themselves for one more battle against the two demons that were trying to take Raven and force her into becoming a portal.
“Hey guys, we might want to hurrythisupbecausethey’re kind of close!” Impulse slammed into the room.
“Done.” Zatanna got up, motioning for everyone to step back. In Superman’s case, he floated back.
“Too bad you won’t get to use it,” a voice drawled, dripping with malice and the screams of a thousand souls.
“Come now, little sister. Why fight fate? Be grateful father has deigned to spare you. If not for your dirty blood being useful, you would be dead, little sister. Give up, before our patience runs out alongside the lives of your little pets.” Another, mocking, voice gleefully rumbled.
Raven would rather gouge out her own heart than to claim these two as any type of family.
“You won’t touch them.” Raven snarled, powers rising even as the marks on her body burned a painful red.
“Buy us some time!”
With that, the group of beaten and battered heroes rose to clash against just two demons, for a chance to save their world.
——
The Circle crackled. Danny felt a tug on his core. He followed the thread of the summoning. Oh. It was his haunt. Earth 135. Hm. It tasted of blood. Desperation? A hint of anticipation. Oh, an overload of fear. Could use some more hope, but Danny understood that it was rather hard to season these kinds of summonings with hope.
“Stop.” Danny commanded, straightening in his chair.
“Sire, we have more-”
“There is an issue with my haunt,” with that, he followed the summons.
——
“Ugh,” was the first thing everybody on the frozen battlefield heard. The demons had smacked away many of the heroes, but they all turned as one when the circle lit up a bright green. “Why do you people always use blood? I’m dead, I don’t need any more iron!”
A boy
Raven’s eldest brother let out a hideous rumble. “You fools tried to summon the king, and you got a dead boy. And now, you’ve doomed another.”
Constantine looked resigned, and regretful. “I am so, so sorry,” he whispered. It was just a kid. John might be a lot of things, but even he found summoning dead kids for demons to devour was just a step too far. “Shite, we got the wrong fucking-”
“Hey, man, that’s rude,” the boy snapped back, waving John off.
“Brother, kill the whelp.”
“I vote on not killing the whelp. Not killing at all, really,” the boy stepped out of the massive blood circle, wrinkling his nose at the drying stains.
“This is not one of your pesky democracies, fool.”
In response, the demons lunged at him, ignoring the screams of the surrounding heroes as they shoved their human arms through the boy’s stomach.
“So,” the boy continues, “I heard your dad was after my haunt?”
“Your haunt, whelp? This earth shall be his! And through him, ours!” Raven slammed against the demons with her power, shadows enlarging and tossing them away from the unharmed… ghost boy?
“Is it?”
——
Wow, these demons are so rude. Normally, it’d be a breath of fresh air compared to the stuffy halls of his throne room. But since they’re attacking his haunt…
“Thanks. You’re… Raven, right?”
Raven nodded, arms outstretched in concentration as she held her brothers back.
“You have to go. We’re- we’re sorry you got pulled into this, but it’s not safe here.”
“Eh. It’s cool. You don’t have to do that anymore, by the way.” Danny stepped forward once more, green skin shifting and gliding as everything about him sharpened. He flew at the demons piloting the human shells, catching them around the necks and dragging the demons out of their stolen bodies. The threw them even further away as he floated in the air, a beacon of green and white. Raven thought it looked like hope.
“My name is Phantom, the High King of the Infinite Realms,” let it be known that Danny always had an eye for dramatic entrances. He shifted into something more off, more eldritch, more kingly. The crown flared to life above his head. “You have invaded my haunt. You have challenged me. What do you plead?”
“You’re not-” they said.
“Wrong answer,” Danny flew at them once more, body contorting into something undeniably terrorizing, his maw unhinging and crunching down on the demons with a sound that made the present heroes cringe.
“Ugh,” Danny grunted, turning back and floating peacefully to the group of heroes- Tucker and Sam would be so stoked he met Wonder Woman and Batman!- and chewed rapidly. He shifted back into his normal form. “Eating demons always leaves me with indigestion. And their bones get everywhere up in my teeth!” Danny pulled out a giant femur looking bone from his mouth, despite it not logically fitting in there.
“Right. No eating demons, solid life advice.” Red Robin said.
“Right? So, you’re Raven! It’s nice to meet you! Think you can summon your dear ol’ dad for me?”
“But we summoned you to stop Trigon, not help him come here.” Superman said, frowning.
“One! That summoning circle is wack. Those things you piled up as offerings? Mid. Also, if you thought you could control me with those terribly written spells, you’re dead wrong. And yes, I am making puns about death.” Danny jabs an aggressive finger towards the shabby circle.
“Have you considered that maybe not every being that can be summoned wants a shit ton of useless blood? Like what if I wanted food? And two, how am I supposed to beat up Trigon if he’s still stuck in the prison realm?”
“I have a cup of coffee,” Nightwing offered. “Kid Flash could probably get you food, right?”
“Yep, surethinganythingyouwantyourMajesty.”
“You wouldn’t catch me alive accepting food from a speedster. You people fuck up the timelines so much,” Danny grumbled, crunching on the last of Raven’s brothers. Raven thought she should probably sit down.
“But you’re dead.” Batman said, something about his voice catching the sharp attention of his protégés who all started making cutting motions at him.
“Fair,” Danny pointed at him, grinning. “I’ll take two pizza and Nightwing’s coffee as payment for taking care of your little demon overlord problem. Raven, summon your dad.”
——
Didn’t much like the characterization of this piece but it’s been in my drafts for a while and I needed it out
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multapohja966 · 2 years ago
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if you want to be a creator and not an analyst you need to accept calling unfinished finished. 
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solxamber · 15 days ago
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Helloo 👋👋
May I request vil with s/o who actually finds neige creepy??
Reference to me LOLL I can't with his eyes man, it's so creepy (for me) to look at.
Anytime Neige tries to be friendly s/o just gulps and hides behind vil, tremblingg 🤣🤣
Vil x Reader who finds Neige creepy
i actually like neige but he's so sweet and it scares me sometimes. sorry for the wait, i hope you like it <3
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You and Vil were on what should have been a peaceful, elegant stroll through the gardens—Vil’s idea, naturally. Everything was perfectly curated: the flowers, the way the sun hit his face just right, the leisurely pace of his stride, as if he were gliding across the earth and not, you know, walking like a normal person. You were just enjoying the moment, admiring how ridiculously perfect your boyfriend looked when—
“Vil! Vil, look! It’s me, Neige!” A voice, too cheerful for its own good, cut through the tranquility like a chainsaw through butter.
Your entire body stiffened. The hairs on the back of your neck stood on end. You knew that voice. You feared that voice.
“Oh no, not him,” you muttered under your breath, eyes wide as saucers.
Vil, naturally, sighed. “Oh, great,” he drawled, clearly in no mood for his perennial rival’s sunshine and daisies energy. “I suppose it would be too much to hope he hasn’t seen us.”
“Vil!” Neige’s voice was even closer now, bright and bubbly, like he was sprinting over at top speed.
You panicked.
Without thinking, you dove behind Vil, grabbing onto the back of his coat and peeking out like a terrified woodland creature. There was a moment of silence. Vil glanced back at you over his shoulder, one perfectly arched eyebrow raised.
“Are you hiding?” he asked flatly, as if you were a toddler clinging to their parent’s leg.
“Yes,” you whispered, your voice shaking with pure dread. “He’s coming. He’s here.”
Vil’s expression shifted, fighting back an amused smirk. “You realize he’s just a person, right? Not a… a deranged stalker or a ghost.”
You shook your head violently. “No. He’s too nice, Vil. No one’s that nice. He’s hiding something. I don’t trust him.”
Vil sighed again, but before he could respond, Neige burst into view. He looked like a walking, talking Pinterest board—flowers in his hair, that cherubic smile plastered across his face, like he was auditioning for the role of "most wholesome person alive."
“Hi! What a beautiful day, isn’t it?” Neige beamed, completely oblivious to the fact that you were half-hidden behind Vil like he was your human shield.
You froze. You weren’t ready. Why does he always look like he’s going to ask me to join his cult?
Vil gave you a sideways glance, then cleared his throat, stepping forward just enough to completely block you from Neige’s view. “It was, until about ten seconds ago,” he replied smoothly, the venom in his voice wrapped in the velvet of politeness.
Neige, as usual, didn’t catch the tone. “Oh, I’m so glad I ran into you two! We should all hang out sometime! I’ve got the cutest picnic idea planned—it’ll be just like a fairytale!”
You, still hiding behind Vil, whispered, “Picnic? With him? What is he going to bring, cupcakes made of sunshine and the tears of unicorns?”
Vil didn’t even blink. “We’re very busy,” he said, with the same grace and poise as always, as though batting away Neige’s relentless niceness was a skill he’d honed to perfection.
Neige leaned over a little, trying to peek around Vil. “Are you okay? Why are you hiding?”
You stiffened again. He saw you. He saw you. Slowly, you peered out from behind Vil, meeting Neige’s wide, innocent eyes.
“Uh…” You tried to think of something, anything that wouldn’t sound like, “You terrify me with your eternal optimism, and I’m convinced you’re secretly plotting world domination.”
“I’m… just stretching!” you blurted out, bending one leg awkwardly behind Vil’s back, still clinging to his coat.
Vil gave you a look that screamed, Really? Stretching?
“Oh, okay! That’s great! Flexibility is important!” Neige nodded vigorously, his smile somehow growing wider. How was that even possible?
You felt a shiver run down your spine. “Y-yeah. Super important.”
Vil cleared his throat again, stepping subtly to the side so you were no longer hidden. You shot him a betrayed look, but he ignored it, instead giving Neige a tight-lipped smile that barely masked his impatience.
“We really should be going, Neige,” Vil said, his voice dripping with the kind of regal authority that made you feel like he was seconds away from telling Neige to bow down and beg for mercy.
Neige’s face fell slightly, but his eternal optimism quickly reasserted itself. “Oh, of course! We’ll hang out soon though, right? I’ll bring cookies next time!” He waved enthusiastically, his fingers wiggling like they were casting a spell.
You instinctively ducked behind Vil again, like his wave was a direct attack on your personal space. Vil, to his credit, didn’t laugh at you—yet.
“Sure,” Vil said, his voice smooth and absolutely lying. “We’ll let you know.”
“Great! Bye Guys! Have a magical day!” Neige practically skipped off, probably to go pet a deer or sing to squirrels or whatever it was he did in his spare time.
Once he was out of sight, you let out a deep breath, stepping out from behind Vil, your hands still gripping the back of his coat. “That was close,” you muttered, as if you’d just barely survived an encounter with a deadly predator.
Vil turned to face you fully, crossing his arms, an eyebrow raised. “You cannot be serious.”
You gave him a wild-eyed look. “Are you kidding me? That guy’s a menace! No one is that wholesome without having a dark secret. I bet he goes home and keeps a doll collection made of human hair.”
Vil’s lips twitched, fighting back a laugh. “A menace? Neige?” His voice was full of disbelief, like you’d just suggested that the sun was secretly a giant disco ball.
You nodded furiously. “Yes! He’s too cheerful. Too sweet. It’s unnatural!”
Vil finally let out a small chuckle, reaching out to adjust the collar of your shirt with a practiced hand. “You’re impossible.”
“I’m serious!” you insisted, glancing nervously in the direction Neige had disappeared. “He’s probably plotting right now, writing your name in some kind of weird glittery revenge diary.”
Vil shook his head, amused. “I assure you, the only thing Neige is plotting is how to bake you cookies shaped like bunnies.”
“That’s what he wants you to think,” you muttered darkly, still eyeing the path warily. “Next thing you know, we’re going to wake up covered in glitter, surrounded by singing woodland creatures, and he’ll be standing over us with that creepy smile.”
Vil sighed dramatically, slipping an arm around your shoulders and pulling you close. “Honestly, I have no idea why I date you.”
You gave him a cheeky grin, finally starting to relax now that Neige was gone. “Because I make life interesting.”
He glanced down at you, his violet eyes glittering with amusement. “Interesting is certainly one word for it.” Then, with a smirk, he added, “Perhaps next time I’ll let Neige catch you. See how long you last under his unrelenting cheerfulness.”
You gasped, grabbing his arm in mock horror. “You wouldn’t!”
Vil smiled wickedly, his arm tightening around your shoulders. “Try me.”
“Fine!” you huffed. “But don’t come crying to me when he tries to recruit you into his sparkle cult.”
Vil laughed then, the sound rich and surprisingly fond, echoing through the garden. And for a moment, as you leaned against him, you almost forgot about the lurking threat of Neige—almost.
But not entirely.
Because you knew. You knew Neige was out there, waiting for his next opportunity.
And the next time, you’d be ready.
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Masterlist
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rafry · 3 months ago
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Euclydia, Cults and Need for Control
Disclaimer: this analysis raises sensitive topics. if you are/were a victim of a cult and the topic triggers you, please refrain from reading further(/seek help). Additionally, I am not a specialist on said topic, nor am I a clinician. But I am a survivor, so part of the narrative may or may not be just me projecting the trauma on a silly yellow triangle. That said, reader discretion is advised! :)
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The take: Euclydia is likely to be a cult-like society and the reason Bill, after years of abuse, grows up to be as he is: a power-hungry monster. Let's analyze!
For the starters, The Start. Each state has its own anthem. How lucky that we were kindly provided with the Euclidian hymn (hidden under the code "FORGETTHEPAST")! Lets take a look:
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"Two dimensions to and from, You always know which way to go If you're lost, don't be afraid, In Euclydia you've got it made! Run too far too right of frame, You'll appear on left again! Jump too high, don't fry or fret, You'll pop up from the ground, I bet! In this place there is no fear, Roles and rules, always clear, Euclydia, we hold you dear…"
That tells us way more than we could've asked for, really. The most important: Euclydia is a state of Clear Rules™. Everything works perfectly thanks to The Rules and The Roles, and the state is loved by it's citizens. It's might be a caricature 2D utopia, but how it reacts when the rules are questioned?
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"Eye doctor of a different kind, who wants to make his patient blind The doctor says: 'three sips a day will make the visions go away' Fussy eater, baby Billy Wouldn't drink unless it's silly..."
If there's anything about cults and the way they make people behave, is that the "wrong" ones in the community are usually ostracized and/or heavily medicated to not cause any troubles. Those people are sometimes called 'heretics', but may as well just be called crazy or insane by their peers. Oh look completely unrelated picture:
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"Cipher, Cipher, he's insane Starting fires with his brain"
Honestly, the other time it would be it. Euclydia, if not Is, then sure does Act like a cult in some way. I could've finished here, easily, but there's something missing, isn't?
"The hell do you mean by 'The Need to Control', OP?"
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I mean that the BILLVILLE is important.
There's the thing about trauma survivors: some of us, after living a life with no control over ones societal position (ostracization/isolation), body (forcibly medicated) or even mind (feeling of inadequacy), crave for some form of control to be regained.
It can turn toxic very quickly when the only form of control one has ever seen in their life is being The Leader (cult leader/shitty parent/armageddon overlord/you get the idea, it's about becoming an authority figure).
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And so, Bill becomes a cult leader! Very possibly covering up the need for control and admiration with what I call "The most inefficient way to build an Interdimentional Portal ever", since, well, he's got to lie to himself every now and then, that's his thing (trauma response).
As for the details:
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He uses the dead mans body — the body that wouldn't cause any resistance, thus being perfect for taking under control.
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He sees the position of the interviewer as more authoritative than the position of the interviewee — and he swaps the roles. That wasn't enough though, so he demands (politely) to be called "My Lord And Master" for a good measure.
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He very possibly recreates some of Euclydia-like order in his own "Town" in terms of expressing individuality. They might've been pretty decent in following scripts, I think.
So, I don't think Euclydia has ever been religious in any way, since that would left some other scars on Bills psyche for sure. But highly authoritative, ignorant, strict in its rules to the point of self-damnation? That checks. That's the place that has formed Bill, after all.
That's the place that he wishes to rebuild.
Maybe not consciously, maybe distorted by his illness and broken memory of a loving-paradise-home that has never actually been that way, but he seeks the comfort of familiarity — most of us do. Familiar stings are better than an uncontrollable too-bright future, isn't?
I hope he does well on therapy.
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moonstruckme · 3 months ago
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hi! i was wondering if you could make some more bartender!sirius x reader stories! anything works really! i love love love your writing 💞
Thanks for requesting ml!
cw: attempted sa, police are called (but don't worry, everything is fine)
bartender!Sirius x fem!reader ♡ 1.1k words
Sirius isn’t ashamed to say he’s had his eye on you tonight. You’re a sweet-looking thing, with sparkly eyes and a big, genuine smile that you’d beamed right at him as you ordered your drink. You got your first couple from Marlene, but most recently you came up to him. You’d leaned your elbows on the bar, looked at him with those lovely eyes, and said all the pleases and thank yous and may Is that always make Sirius want to climb over the counter and hug the customers who use them. He'd have comped your drink if you weren’t clearly here with someone else. 
And that someone else seems to be infatuated with you. Appropriately so, Sirius thinks. He takes your hand to lead you over to a couch along the wall, and he nods so eagerly while you speak that it looks like his head is on a spring, and when you turn to look at something he’s pointed out he reaches over and—
“Hey!” 
Several heads turn at Sirius’ shout, but the important part is that yours does. Not before your lips close around the straw of your drink, though. Sirius doesn’t have to work to convey urgency in his expression—that comes quite naturally. He waves his hand to beckon you back to the bar.
You obey, not looking upset but rather tentative as you make your way through the crowd. Your date stands with you, but something in Sirius’ face must tip him off. He disappears towards the exit. Sirius wants to go after him and strangle the bloke with his own two hands, but he’ll have to worry about that later. 
“Don’t drink that,” he says once he thinks you’re within earshot. 
You’re not, evidently. “What?” 
“Give it here.” Sirius leans across the bar, reaching for your drink. It’s only the caution in your expression that reminds him to say, “Please.” 
You hand it over, eyebrows raising when he brings it behind the bar and immediately pours it into the sink. 
“Erm…am I going to be refunded for that?” 
Sirius shakes his head, but managing a breathless, frazzled, “Yeah.” 
He feels so far out of his depth. Nothing like this has ever happened during one of his shifts—at least, fuck, not that he knows of. Sirius isn’t sure what he’s supposed to do. 
He starts by looking you in the eyes. “The bloke you were with put something in your drink.” 
Your lips part, brows twitching together. “What? No, he…” You turn your head, clearly expecting your date to be right behind you. Sirius watches your face change as you realize he’s nowhere to be seen. 
When you turn back to him, he can see the beginnings of fear in your gaze. His hand makes its way across the bar of its own accord, squeezing your wrist before tugging you gently towards the nearest barstool. 
“I saw it happen,” he says firmly. “Do you want to sit here with me for a bit?” 
“I don’t…yeah, please.” You look dazed. Understandably dazed, in Sirius’ opinion. You slide onto the stool and slouch to rest your elbows on the bar. “I don’t feel any different. I only had a sip.” 
“It might not be enough to do anything,” he agrees. “I’m not sure, honestly. But it’s probably a good idea for you not to be alone just in case, yeah?” 
You nod hesitantly. Sirius strokes a short line into the inside of your wrist, and when you look up at him those pretty eyes are wet. 
“I’m already drunk,” you say, quietly, your voice on the edge of breaking. “How am I s’posed to know if it’s working?” 
“I’m sure you’d know,” says Sirius, though honestly he’s not very sure of that himself. Guys don’t learn much about these things, not the way girls have to. “You’re alright, darling. We’ll take care of you up here, you’re totally safe. Do you mind if I phone the police?” 
Your eyes widen to glossy saucers, the true gravity of your situation seeming to sink in. 
“It’s just standard procedure,” he adds quickly. 
“Right.” You blink, sniffling. “Um, sure.” 
“Beautiful.” Sirius shoots you a smile. “Be right back. Marl,” he gets his coworker’s attention, “keep an eye on her, yeah?” 
Marlene looks confused and then intrigued as she spots you weeping at the other end of the bar, but she makes her way to you. 
Sirius’ call with the police is brief. They make him regret tossing out your drink before it could be tested, but they tell him to keep you at the bar and they’ll be there soon to question you. When he goes back inside, you look far better than he’d left you, face tearstained but dry and nursing what looks to be a plain coke topped by a mountain of cherries. 
“Blimey, did you ask for extra?” Sirius asks, taking his place in front of you. Marlene, helping a customer at the other end of the bar, shoots him a grimace that lets him know you’ve told her what happened. 
“I asked for a few,” you say, picking one of your cherries up by the stem and popping it in your mouth. “I think she feels bad for me.” 
Sirius laughs. “No, Marlene doesn’t feel bad for anyone. She probably just likes you.” 
“Really?”
“Yup. Almost as much as she hates our manager.” He winks at you. “Her latest plot is to rob him blind by way of bar napkins and maraschino cherries. But you didn’t hear that from me.” 
Your lips twitch into something dangerously close to a smile. You draw a line across them, pretending to zip them shut. 
“So,” you say, looking down to fish another cherry from your glass, “did you give the police my regards?”
Sirius smiles at your forehead. “I did. They said it’s been far too long, and they’d like to come here to chat with you themselves.” 
You huff a laugh. “That’s funny, you’d think they’d’ve gotten their fill of me when I was in the nick last week.” 
Sirius laughs, delighted. 
You look up with a wry smile. “Kidding,” you whisper. 
“Oh, I’m so disappointed.” He props his chin on his hand, letting his head loll to the side. “And here I was thinking you were a rebel outside the law.” 
You shrug, smile fading as the melancholy turn your night has taken seems to take you under again. “Sorry to lead you astray,” you say anyway. 
“No, don’t worry about it.” Sirius studies you. You look understandably worried, a tad wistful too, but still that same sweet girl who’d come up to order from him at the bar. “If you are concerned about the cops catching onto your jailbird alter-ego, I could always stay with you when they get here. If you want company.” 
Your expression melts into gratitude, the fretful line of your brow softening and your eyes filling with relief. They start to go shiny again. “That would be great,” you say. “Thank you.” 
“Don’t worry about it, doll.” Sirius reaches across the bar, giving your hand an awkward pat. “Just don’t cry again, please? It kills me a little bit.”
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Aemond X Wife!Reader: Words of comfort
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Warning: fluff, Aemond being a good husband, talk of pregnancy, fear of faliure, reader is a bit self consious, no use of y/n, gn reader
Word count: 970
You stared into the mirror, face twisted into a concentrated expression as you tried, for the third time, to finish your hairstyle. Normally a maid would help you do your hair but you’d sent her to help Heleana with her children. There never seemed to be enough people to help the twins when they got fussy. Heleana did her best of course but sometimes it was to much for the young mother to handle. 
You groaned in frustration, watching as your hair began to unravel on its own. Aemond watched you twist your arms behind your back in an attempt to grab a chunk of hair that was missing from your braid. A small smile tugged at his lips. You were quite amusing like this. He could have watched you in silence for the rest of the day but your eyes caught him in the reflection causing you to turn to face him.
“Everything alright?”
“Everything is fine. I merely wanted to sit with you.”
“Well then, make yourself comfortable.”
Aemond began to walk around the room. You turned back to the mirror, focusing on the task at hand once more. Aemond stared out the window of your room, his eyes moving over the world outside with little interest. He was far more interested in the small rage filled noises you kept letting out. 
“Oh I give up.”
You groaned, placing your hairbrush on the table in aggravation. You placed your head in your hands, sighing in defeat. Aemond made his way towards you, his hands moving to rest on your shoulders. He moved his palms against your body in a comforting manner. You let out a small sound, raising your head so you could see him. It was silly that something so simple had managed to get tears from your eyes but Aemond knew you weren’t crying about your hair. There was something more to it, and he would find out what.
“Want me to help?”
“I’m sure you have other matters to attend to. More important matters.”
“No matter is more important than the joy of my wife.”
You smiled at him, placing your hand on top of his. Aemond moved to sit behind you, fingers moving against your hair. You watched him unbraid your hair before grabbing the hairbrush of the table. He brushed your hair thoroughly, making sure there were knots. Once he was satisfied he placed the hairbrush down and began to braid your hair. His slim fingers moved over your locks gently. He looked so focused that you couldn’t help but smile as you watched him.
“How many do you want?”
“Two. And then you tie them together.”
Aemond gave you a hum moving to do the hairstyle you had requested. He’d seen you in it loads of times, it was your go to hairdo. It took him a while to get it just right, the amount of hair you had was quite large. Once he was done he rested his hand on your shoulders, observing as you took in his work. You turned your head so you could look at him straight on.
“It’s perfect. Thank you husband.”
You placed a gentle kiss on his lips.
“Want to braid mine?”
“Yes.”
Aemond switched positions with you, allowing you to become face to face with his hair. You knew he would remove the small braids you filled his hair with after he left the room but you didn’t mind. Messing with his hair calmed you down and Aemond knew that better then anyone.
“Do you want to tell me what's wrong?”
You let out a sigh moving to start another small braid. Aemond waited for you to start talking, his eye watching your lips quiver for a moment. When you finally started to speak he could tell you were trying very hard to hold back tears.
“I can’t do anything right. I can’t thread my corsets alone. I can’t braid my hair. The last time i tried to embroider my dress I stained it with red because I kept pricking my finger with the needle.”
These were all things that bothered you but Aemond knew there was something else. Something bigger. You bit into your lip, sighing once more before closing your eyes. 
“I can’t get pregnant.” 
There it was. The real root of the problem.
“How am i supposed to be a good wife to you if i can’t even perform my duties correctly.”
Aemond turned around, his hair slipping from your fingers as he did so. He placed a palm on your cheek. 
“Don’t do that. Don’t undermine yourself.”
“Aemond its my one-”
“I do not care. You are my wife and I love you. It doesn't matter if you can’t get pregnant right now, we have time.”
“And if I do get pregnant, what if…what if I'm not a good mother?”
“That isn’t possible. I’ve seen you with Heleana's kids. They adore you. There isn't a bad bone inside your body. You will make a fine mother. Just as you make a fine wife.”
Aemond’s thumb moved to wipe away your tears before placing a small kiss to your temple. You moved forward, allowing Aemond to tug you into his embrace. His hands moved over your hair, tracing over the braids he’d made moments ago.
“And another thing. I quite enjoy the process of making a baby.”
“Aemond!”
You gave him a playful slap to the arm, feeling his chest move as he laughed. You couldn’t help but laugh as well, Aemond had a way of always seeing the very best in you. You loved him for it. You raised your head from his chest, placing a kiss to his lips. He rested his head against your forehead, closing his eyes.
“I love you Aemond.”
“I love you more.”
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irndad · 2 years ago
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hi im back! okey so def can see spencer still wanting to hug and snuggle with you even when fighting or mad at each other. he even gets genuinely ??? confused ??? when you try to sleep on the couch instead of in bed at night. he holds you and either reader or him is like "i know we are snuggling right now but i am still super pissed off at you." lol i can just see it. he may be petty when mad but he wont stop trying to touch you bc its a biological need of his and no argument is more important than needing you 🥺
enjoy this I did it very fast!!!! ily
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He knows he’s not easy to be with sometimes. She would never say it, but it’s true. He doesn’t always get the jokes, sometimes pushes things too far and without even knowing it the ground gets pulled out from under him. 
And sleep- Sleep is so complicated. The memory of the first time she slept in his bed is etched into a place he could never erase. Spencer had always had trouble sleeping, either fear or alertness plaguing him into the late hours of the night. He used to lie awake, the kind of exhausted that feels like it’s seeping out of your bones, while constantly facts he’d unwittingly memorized about how sleep deprivation can cause brain damage. 
But then she’d come into his life. All soft words and gentle disposition, and there really is something magic about the way that everything just dissipates when her warm, soft body curves into his own. He’s slept well almost every night since. 
Except today, she isn’t coming to bed. 
It’s his fault, and he knows it. He wasn’t being fair. She hadn’t seen him for two weeks (and he hadn’t slept nearly enough without the weight of her form beside him since the last time he saw her) and she’d said that she wanted to be prioritized more. 
“I haven’t seen you in weeks, Spence!”
His head was killing him. Was it actually possible, for a headache to kill you? Her voice is audibly upset, and it’s alarming how he could be the cause of it. 
“Please,” he had said through labored effort, “Can we talk about this later?” 
“When would you like to talk about it? Because I don’t ever know if you’re leaving-“
“Do you even know what it is that I do?  That it’s not a choice for me to go? I have to do this. I can’t pick and choose and honestly, I don’t want to. If you don’t get that, we’re not doing what I thought we were doing.”
It sounds foreign, his own voice. And it’s after he’s said it that the sick taste reaches his throat because oh, that means the end. Her lovely face is unreadable for a brief moment, before something like grief splays over her expression.
It’s silent for a beat, and Spencer wishes he could swallow the words back up, rewind his life like a battered VHS tape where he’s not so stupid to mess up the one thing that’s ever brought him peace.
“You’re not yourself, Spencer. I’m gonna give you a minute.”
A minute, it turns out, is hours in the living room. She hadn’t left, thank fucking god, but she hadn’t come back. Of course she hadn’t. She wasn’t the one who needed to apologize. 
He’s just so tired. 
He thinks of her so-sweet voice, the curve of cheek- the junction of her neck and shoulder, and how much he would like to have her pressed against him. He pads out into the living room like a nervous puppy, and sees her sleeping on the olive green couch she had picked out. Her hair was splayed across the arm of the sofa, and her head laid on a throw pillow, their fuzziest blanket draped across her form. 
His first thought is how low he’s dropped, that he’s jealous of a blanket. 
His second his that she is not coming to bed. He sits beside her gingerly, and the scent of her body wash lingers in the air. 
“Are you planning on coming to bed?”
“I didn’t think you’d want me to.” He can tell she wants to sound cold, but the truth is much worse; she sounds guarded. 
“I always want you to.” It’s the most honest thing he’s said today, and it’s just not fair, how much he revolves around her. How he has waited 14 days, 13 hours and 34 minutes to hold her again and managed to ruin it within the first 20 minutes of having seen her again. He grabs her hand, soft and pliant against his in a way that almost makes his heart leap. “Please? Come to bed?”
Her gaze softens, the warmth and light that guides him back in her eyes, and he hopes his relief isn’t too visible. It’s then that she drinks him in. It feels too revealing like she can see right through him. His clothes are old. He’d rushed off the jet to see her, and the half moon circles under his eyes only lend to the unimpressive picture of himself. 
“Oh, sweetheart,” she breathes, touching the side of his face. He instantly leans into it, the contact more than he’d be willing to give up to save his dignity. “Come here.”
She wraps her arms around him, and he pulls her into his lap, squeezing her tight to his chest, like she might disappear. 
“I’m still mad at you,” she says, looking at him with such affection it betrays her words.
“That’s okay,” he says into her collarbone, “As long as I still have you.”
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themedialmercurial · 7 months ago
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Asteroid Glo (3267) and How you Shine🐚
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This asteroid and its placements point towards the ways in which an individual naturally shines. By taking awareness of this, one can level up their life in a more naturally-occurring way, tending to their innate strengths. With dedication, it can even lead to fame ⭐️
I'm finally back with a new post! Thank you for both your patience and your kindness on this platform. I'm so glad to have joined such a kind and accepting community on here 🫶🏽
As always, do share your own placements and how you believe it has played out in your life thus far! Of course, asteroids are not as important as the natal chart itself, though it can be fun to explore, because why not? Enough chatter, more about the content:
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GLO IN THE HOUSES
1H
You shine for your authenticity, your natural beauty and personality. This kind of person reminds me of someone who simply wakes and is considered to be radiant. All face. Great skin.
2H
Your personal possessions are something of interest of others, perhaps being literally shiny and even of great quality. You are perceived to be of high status as a result.
3H
Your mind is highlighted with this placement. There is something so magnetic about the way you think and communicate with others. Perhaps your learning style is innovative and an emphasis on your early education days.
4H
☆ of the family vibes? Either way, your family is a very important factor in your life and even moreso, when it comes to your mother.
5H
Your mind is highlighted, this time in terms of your creativity. Your children, pets and romantic relationships can be a source of light for your life. Also, there is an emphasis on talent.
6H
Your work ethic is likely the talk of the town, perhaps for your disciplined nature. Also, the way in which you tend to your body (diet, exercise, hygiene) can be admired.
7H
Your long-term relationships (marriage) are something that naturally draw attention. On the other hand, careful with open enemies and envy on others behalf.
8H
Your ability to transform and resilience throughout your life are truly one of a kind. Perhaps your spiritual practices draw a lot of attention.
9H
This placement points towards a life plentiful in travel experiences, upper education opportunities (college, university) and overall incessant learning in life, particular language learning and of other cultures. These qualities do not go unseen by others.
10H
Your career and your status draw in attention naturally, regardless of what it is that you do. You can be admired for your authority-like presence.
11H
Friend magnet position. You also can be a hopeful and wishful person, thus attracting even more abundance, which makes you glow even further.
12H
Your energy is unforgettable. Despite this placement being more reclusive and desiring time alone, your spiritual practices are often highlighted. Also, some of your secrets and fears may to more apparent due to the illuminating nature of this asteroid
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GLO IN THE SIGNS
How can you express and optimize your natural gifts?
ARIES
Through your shameless and enthusiastic nature
TAURUS
Through your patient and artistic nature
GEMINI
Through your inquisitive, communicative and adaptable nature
CANCER
Through your emotional, nurturing nature
LEO
Through your creative and fun-loving nature
VIRGO
Through your attention to detail, precision and helpful nature
LIBRA
Through your peace-loving, diplomatic and charming nature
SCORPIO
Through your magnetic, persevering and passionate nature
SAGGITARIUS
Through your optimistic and honest nature
CAPRICORN
Through your ambitious and efficient nature
AQUARIUS
Through your independent, unique nature
PISCES
Through your empathetic, responsive, escapist nature
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GLO IN ASPECT
Glo-Sun benefic aspects (conjunction, sextile, trine)
You shine in your self-expression and identity. You know that you shine though it isn't an ego show, you know how to acknowledge the confidence you have in yourself
Glo-Sun malefic aspects (opposition, square)
Surplus of ego, cockiness that may not be well-received. On the other hand, this may manifest as insecurity and lack of sense of self and esteem.
Glo-Moon benefic aspects (conjunction, sextile, trine)
You have a knack for expressing your feelings that others resonate with, people can feel understood when you open up (youtubers who share their intimate mental health struggles come to mind).
Glo-Moon malefic aspects (opposition, square)
May manifest as emotional outbursts if not careful (breakdowns, surges of anger) that are not well-received but are perceivable to the public eye.
Glo-Mercury benefic aspects (conjunction, sextile, trine)
Your communication style, whether that be through writing or speaking draw people in.
Glo-Mercury malefic aspects (opposition, square)
You may be prone to overthinking and communicating in a way that is difficult to follow as a result. On the other hand, this can point towards a fast speaker that engages their audience (a rapper perhaps).
Glo-Venus benefic aspects (conjunction, sextile, trine)
You have a natural beauty that you too know how to accentuate. Whether it be through clothes, makeup, art or all the above, you capture others attention as a result.
Glo-Venus malefic aspects (opposition, square)
You may not see your beauty as easily as others, which may lead others to think you're searching for validation. On the other hand, this placement may lead to vanity, constant appearance checks and being unable to stop thinking about how one looks (overindulgence).
Glo-Saturn benefic aspects (conjunction, sextile, trine)
You are a naturally hard-working person ("started from the bottom now we here" vibes) and your discipline does not go uncelebrated by the masses.
Glo-Saturn malefic aspects (opposition, square)
Despite well intent, you may be prone to overworking, something that generates concern for your well-being. On the other hand, perhaps you do not see the point of hard work and lack discipline.
Glo-Mars benefic aspects (conjunction, sextile, trine)
You are likely a trailblazer in whichever career you choose. What comes to mind is a fitness instructor for example, who creates new exercises that can be done from the comfort of one's home. This creates competition in the best possible way.
Glo-Mars malefic aspects (opposition, square)
Despite your potential trailblazing capabilities, perhaps it wasn't always in the best interest of others. Remember not to step on others just to reach the top, not only is it not well-received, it also will not go unpunished (the fiery mars energy). Remember, competitiveness is healthy, in small doses.
Glo-Jupiter benefic aspects (conjunction, sextile, trine)
You are perceived as a lucky person, particularly when it comes to all your life experiences. This is someone who likely finds luck through their travels and emerging themself in new cultures. Not to mention, higher education opportunities are abundant, something that does not go unnoticed. These blessings strengthen the individual.
Glo-Jupiter malefic aspects (opposition, square)
This can lead to either a blockage in opportunities, causing despair to the person or a surplus of opportunities, leading the individual to feel overwhelmed and unable to choose. In particular, this makes me think of someone who wants to do many things with their life though is unable to choose one venture. In the public eye, this person can be perceived as scattered or restless as a result.
Glo-Uranus benefic aspects (conjunction, sextile, trine)
You shine through your uniqueness, your ability to tap into your original ideas. In particular, unconventional YouTube videos come to mind like storytimes with several plot twists or even "Staying in My Freezer for 24 Hours", idk. You have a great ability to entertain.
Glo-Uranus malefic aspects (opposition, square)
This can manifest as sudden, undesired changes. Using the previous YouTube example, perhaps things go wrong seemingly out of nowhere or that you venture into more dangerous video ideas.
Glo-Chiron benefic aspects (conjunction, sextile, trine)
When you are aware of your natural ability to shine and you own it, this placement in turn shines again for their ability to share their teachings and past hurt to others.
Glo-Chiron malefic aspects (opposition, square)
This placement indicates a person who is not able to work through their shame associated with their natural shine, who shies away from what they know they are good at, in the guise of humility. They dwell on the undesired parts of themself rather than foster and nurture their strengths.
Glo-Neptune benefic aspects (conjunction, sextile, trine)
Your imagination, and artistic ability take you far in life. Sharing these gifts with others provides both parties with a healthy escape from the daily routine of life.
Glo-Neptune malefic aspects (opposition, square)
This placement may lead to an excess in escapist tendencies, and mental sensitivity, thus leading the person to retreat more into themself and not share their gift.
Glo-Pluto benefic aspects (conjunction, sextile, trine)
This persons' transformative nature is incredible. This can be perceived as having many different "phases" (emo, edgy, girly, hairstyles, clothing, etc) depending on what it is that they've gone through in their life. This is admired by many.
Glo-Pluto malefic aspects (opposition, square)
This may manifest as someone who is in the spotlight for their inability to adjust to the constant changes in their life, who is famous for unfavourable transformations as a result.
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GLO AND INSECURITIES
Forgive me for not mentioning the exact source but I've seen a person on TikTok hypothesize that when we feel insecure, we tend to embody the negative traits of the sister sign of the placement in question when we feel lesser than.
Let's use myself as an example. Natally I have asteroid Glo in Libra 1H. According to this, I shine for simply being myself. In times of insecurity, it can be said that may appear self-centered and arrogant (negative aries traits) and perhaps seek external validation through romantic relationships in attempt to remedy this (7H). With this awareness, I can learn to pour more into myself and become more attuned to my needs.
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SOLAR RETURN OBSERVATIONS
This year (2023-july 2024), I have Glo in Cancer 11H trine saturn and squaring neptune. I've found myself slowly opening up more and literally crying (cancer) to my friends (11H) and noticing that it does help with the emotional burden, as someone who usually doesn't. Also, I find that those closest to me occasional make remarks about how hard-working I am (saturn) and this in turn has led me to in more into their perspective of me (8H) and lean more into discipline (capricorn) daily routine, diet and healthy regiment (6H). On the other hand, I have been trying to balance my mental sensitivity (neptune) through my formal education alongside more spiritual practices such as tarot, crystals and astrology (9H). As a result, this year has led me to take a more caring and gentle approach (pisces) to my mental health and explore the inner workings of my mind through guides such as tarot and astrology (8H) though I do require more alone time.
As for this upcoming year (july 2024-2025), I'll have Glo in Virgo 12H sextile the moon and venus, as well as trine uranus and opposing chiron (wow). I foresee myself taking a more analytical view (virgo) when it comes to the inner workings of my mind, analyzing my spiritual beliefs, sleeping routine and hidden fears (12H). With this placement sextile moon, I suspect that emotional expression may come with more ease (moon) and that freeing myself from emotional turmoil may lead me to more career opportunities, and a greater reputation (10H). With a venus sextile as well, this placement is indicative of an improved fashion sense and general understanding of what natural suits me through an intuitive and emotional connected approach, nurturing my needs (cancer), in particular when it comes to finding success in career and social standing (10H), which mirrors my exact natal placement. With a uranus trine, embracing my innovative ideas (uranus) will allow me to flourish in matters related to fear as a general concept, conquering it and transform for the greater good as a result, becoming more spiritually attuned to myself perhaps (8H). This success should be approached in a patient, practical way as lasting success is not immediate (taurus). Now, with Glo opposing chiron, this upcoming year may be one where I must actively fight against my limiting beliefs, perhaps even those that others project onto me (chiron). In particular, challenges associated with potential romantic pursuits are at the forefront, if I do not acknowledge my strengths and hide away instead (7H). I must not waver in my faith and tap into the true courageous, leader-like energy that I know I have inside (aries). This last part shouldn't be as daunting seeing as I have Glo square chiron natally, both in cardinal signs.
Dividers from source!
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lucidloving · 7 months ago
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I learned how to be quiet about pain when I was very young. I learned how to fold in on myself like laundry, to take up less space in the cupboard. I learned how to keep the peace around me by sweeping the dirt under my own rug.
I have been taught that expressing my less favourable emotions is just complaining—something weak people do when they're too incompetent to solve their own problems.
Incompetent. Incompetent. This word is very important to me. Incompetent is the word I am always running from. To run from incompetency means to run from feeling dejected, feeling lost, feeling hurt. To run from incompetency is to run towards goodness. To run towards a me who knows all the answers and shoulders all the burdens and shrugs off all the pain.
Some days I am not very good at this race I am running. Days when the past lurches forward to bite my ankles, or days when the future looks back to scorn my present.
On these days I am weak. The poise slips. It's all too easy to cry a little and vent my fears. I forget that I am supposed to be keeping all of this shut away where no one else can see. I forget that I am not supposed to be dragged down by these feelings in the first place.
Today I feigned nonchalance and I feigned it well. No one noticed that I was hurt by the thing that happened, and sitting alone in all my hurt, I was bitterly gratified. I had fulfilled the proper narrative of an animal who is injured and returns to its cave to lick its wounds only in private.
But there is a desperation for the hidden pain to be noticed. This is the Achilles' Heel of the whole stealth operation; it threatens the little play I have constructed in which I suffer alone and inconvenience no one and am all the stronger for it.
Today I stood upright to talk to my mother and doubled over in pain the moment she left the room. It is satisfying, knowing I did the valiant and honourable thing of keeping the damn pain to myself. It is infuriating, the way my eyes flickered to the door in the dark and private hope that she would come back in and witness me while I was down.
I want to be strong and hide all the hard things away. I want someone to see my efforts to hide all the hard things away and realise I'm strong. I want to bring to life this character I have created who suffers without complaint and is loved when the truth is revealed. Who suffers well.
This is the person who stores up agony to a breaking point, to justify the ultimate snapping of composure. This is the person who wants to be depended on relentlessly and one-sidedly, so that someone someday might notice the unfairness of it all. This is the person who virtuously and righteously take all the hits without a sound, so that when they finally, inevitably break, their pain will come to light all at once and inspire awe and guilt in equal measure.
Who am I, really? Is it terrible to want to play this character? Perhaps some old wound craves acknowledgement and understanding and doesn't know how else to ask for it except by hiding until it festers.
Strength. Competency. Resilience. Dependability. Independence. They have all become synonyms in my black and white dictionary. They have all become straws for the drowning man.
I self-impose silence. I take pleasure in denial and secrecy. I take pride in successfully keeping a problem to myself.
Pride. That's another important word. I think I have too much of it, although it pains me when others point it out. Pride implies I think highly of myself, which is something a good person should never do. Pride is so audaciously self-absorbed, so high-and-mighty, so filthy with ego. There's probably a lot of it in this damn thing I've written.
Pride is the other thing that keeps my mouth shut. The thing that says I should be austere, untouchable, immovable. Pride is the thing that says look here, you don't have a lot going for you so you better keep this mask on right if you want to be good. If you want to be admired.
These terrible things keep me safe. I can't let go of that stupidly noble character or that cowardly pride. I need them to shield me from the reality that I am emotional, not all that put together, and honestly hopeless most of the time.
I need to have something worth liking about myself. I need to have a grit that makes me undeniably good. I need to have a strength that goes unsung, that lies in wait of discovery.
What an exhausting way to live. But it's the only way I know.
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evilminji · 4 months ago
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You know? I kinda wonder...
In a Self Insert type scenario, in Star Wars?
They would be MUCH more open to listening to "buddy, a storm's comin'" type warnings. Their Cannon knowledge, even if spotty, would probably echo with the Force and draw its attention to them somewhat. Because they KNOW.
KNOW what is going to happen. Not guess. Not assume. KNOW. Like the Force does. And that? Coupled with their inherent strangeness? Would make them the oddly colored duck of the flock, as it were. Not Super Important... buuuut? Easy to spot.
One of the Force's Blorbos.
Just cause, really. Cause they look funny. The Force doesn't even have a plan for um! But they turned up, ate the Force's food, and look at their wittle faaaace~☆! So it's keeping them. You know... assuming they survive.
Which?
Brings me to my point?
Since they LISTEN? The Force probably chatters like a mofo. Since a Self Insert would be anxious and constantly ASKING for wisdom. For help. A friend. Guidance of any kind. The Force would be draped around them like a particularly pleased with itself shoulder cat. A hovering backseat driver.
Because you DO keep asking, after all.
It's like muscle memory. Building strength. Not... not GREAT, in all actuality? Because Self Insert is avoiding making their OWN choices, probably out of fear? But on the OTHER hand? Both of them KNOW that there is literally a Sith Master like... less then 5 minutes away from where they live. Constantly.
And they are a Youngling.
So???
At What Point?? Does the Force? Engage "Fuck it, we take our baby and run" protocols?
Just? FULL ON "you stop midway through making your dinner, turn off the soup, pick up your kids, leave the house, and NEVER LOOK BACK". Because? Yes. The Jedi KNIGHTS and MASTERS may have vows to try and protect the people of the Republic?
BUT THE YOUNGLINGS DO NOT.
They, in fact, need to be PROTECTED.
And if the Force itself? Says "if you stay here, they WILL die."? You gotta go. Hopefully? You have enough warning to like... pack a ship. But, ya might NOT. Might just be "aaaand, everybody put down your pads! Suprise field trip to Anywhere Else! IMMEDIATELY. Single file, younglings. No running!" Like?
What would you do?
I kinda wanna see it.
Just this somber, vaguely haunted, crechling walking up to import figures like Madam Nu and Yoda going "if I tell you The Force told me we have to take the younglings, ALL OF THEM, and any history we think is worth preserving, and LEAVE... would you listen? Or would you let us die here?" With their tiny lil face and to serious expression.
Like a prophet of Doom.
And WHERE? Exactly? Are they supposed to go? Oh, simple. They are to Trust In The Force. And let it guide them. Out IN THE UNKNOWN REGIONS of wild space! Because THATS fine! Is this a joke?
No.
No the youngling is dead serious. Terrifyingly serious. Has been studying how to pilot a shop like they will have to do so THEMSELF. Asking questions that paint a concerning portrait of a child that fully intends to take their peers on this journey, with or without them.
And the Force? The Force says they MUST. That it is impossibly important they DO.
WELL THEN....
Do they... TELL anybody?
No. Not a single soul. Specifically, not a single soul In The Senate. Ah. Concerning! Guess we're? "Losing" a ship in the war? Oh dear. Such casualties. All those lives. Oh noooooo, and such and so forth. UNRELATED note! It's been FAR too long since this temple was cleaned! Unacceptable. You, random clones definitely not assigned to that ship we definitely just lost! Help us... clean!
Just?
The power of "fuck it, we took our ball and went home/left"? Should be USED more in fics. The Force TOTALLY knows where some sweet, sweet habitable planets are. You'll NEVER fuckin find them if they don't want you too! An entire temple of Jedi asking for the SAME thing? Versus a crusty lil shit?
They asked first. And nicely!
With THIS, balance is maintained. Not through FORCE. But through walking away for a bit. Allowing OTHERS to decide if this is what THEY want for themselves. Order 66 may or may not still happen? But? At most? All you would kill is the current fighting adults. Not the teachers. Not the elders. And CERTAINLY not the young.
They? Are far away. Where the Force is still clear and the light is strong. Growing up. Reflecting on what went wrong. Farming. Building a new temple with the Clones. You know, the ones who didn't have their comms. Never GOT that dreaded order. Get to live free men on a peaceful planet.
Cause historically? You send your kids AWAY from active wars zones. Places that are priority targets for your enemies. And if the Force itself is saying "move the babies"? Welp! Guess you gotta move um, don't ya? It's scary. Uncertain.
But it is an act of faith.
And I just? Wanna see Sith's plans just COMPLETELY fuckin implode? Because they could not plan for Faith. For Trust and Community and Hope. All the things they believe so trite. So worthless. The very things that would lead grown adults, POWERFUL PEOPLE, to actually? LISTEN to a mere youngling. Then follow their lead.
It would be?
Inconceivable to them.
@legitimatesatanspawn @babbling-babull @hypewinter @babbling-babull @hdgnj @starwarsblr @starwars
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hotshotsxyz · 3 months ago
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unstick this feeling
(buddie) (840 words)
It’s—they’re okay. That’s the important part. Everybody’s okay. A little banged up, a little bruised, but nobody’s even staying at the hospital overnight for observation. They’re okay.
Except. Except Buck doesn’t feel okay. He feels like his organs have been scooped out, actually, leaving behind the kind of empty space he doesn’t know what to do with, except maybe fill it with anxiety and guilt and fear. And he doesn’t want to do that, he just… wants everything to feel like it’s back in its place.
“You look like you’re spiraling,” Eddie says, interrupting his definitely-not-spiraling-thoughts-thank-you-very-much. “Are you spiraling?”
Buck sighs. Maybe he’s spiraling a little.
Eddie settles on the couch beside him, his non-answer apparently enough. “Alright, lay it on me,” he says.
Buck frowns. “I just—” he cuts himself off.
“Just?” Eddie prompts, bumping his shoulder against Buck’s.
“Did you know, on average, eighty firefighters die on duty every year?” He asks quietly.
Eddie nods.
“It’s not even—” Buck swallows. “There’s over a million of us. Puts us in the top twenty-five safest jobs in America.”
“Doesn’t really feel like it,” Eddie says softly. “Not after calls like that.”
Exactly. Buck leans a little further into Eddie’s side, soaking up the warmth that radiates off him. “I keep trying not to think about it,” he says.
“A famously effective solution,” Eddie says dryly.
Buck lightly kicks his ankle. “Got a better idea?”
Eddie tilts is head back against the couch and looks at Buck for a long moment. “We could talk about it,” he says finally.
The corner of Buck’s lip twitches up. “All that therapy’s really paying off,” he says. It’s kind of a joke, but it mostly isn’t.
“Guess it is,” Eddie says lightly. He looks at Buck, waiting for him to decide which side of the fence he’s going to land on.
“I get stuck,” Buck says, before he’s even decided he wants to. “Even when it turns out fine. Even when I know there wasn’t anything I could’ve done different.”
Eddie hums thoughtfully. “I think it’s easier that way, sometimes.”
Buck feels his brow furrow. Eddie laughs lightly and smooths it with his thumb.
“Easier than thinking about the part that comes next,” he explains.
And that—yeah, that kind of tracks. “The part where you have to process it. Let it go,” Buck says.
Eddie shakes his head. “The part where you feel it,” he says.
Buck groans and scrubs a hand down his face. “When did you get so…” he trails off and flaps his hand in the air.
“Wise?” Eddie suggests, biting down on a teasing grin that Buck could spot a mile away. “Enlightened? Emotionally aware?”
Buck snorts. “Yeah, that one.”
He shrugs. “Ask Frank.”
“Maybe I should,” Buck mutters.
Eddie studies him. Whatever he’s looking for, he must find it, because his expression softens, and he speaks again. “I was scared, when Chimney didn’t radio in.”
“Me too,” Buck says, barely more than a whisper. Chim’s radio had been damaged in the explosion, and for several horrifying moments, they’d all feared the worst.
“I was angry,” he continues, “that Gerrard didn’t call the retreat sooner.”
“Bobby would have,” Buck says.
Eddie nods. “Yeah, he would have.”
“I-um,” Buck starts. He clears his throat and tries again. “I felt helpless,” he says. “By the time I saw what the smoke was doing, it was already too late.”
The comforting weight of Eddie’s hand lands on Buck’s thigh.
“I was frustrated,” he says. “I didn’t see it either.”
Buck’s turn. “I was relieved, when I saw you up.”
Eddie’s expression shifts infinitesimally. He hesitates for a second, like he hasn’t quite decided if he wants to voice whatever thought he’s just had. “I couldn’t breathe,” he says finally, looking Buck in the eye, “until you moved.”
Buck swallows harshly. He knows that feeling, knows it intimately, in fact. He can think of a hundred times his breath has caught, sometimes for a split second, once for days. It catches now, holding Eddie’s gaze.
There’s something in it that Buck doesn’t know how to name. Something he feels, though, deep in his bones where no one but him can touch it. He wonders if Eddie can see it too. Wonders if Eddie knows what to call it.
He tries to dig into it further, unearth it, examine it from all sides. It’s something like terror-joy-heartache-awe-hope-vulnerability. It feels like love.
It shouldn’t surprise him. Buck’s loved Eddie for so long it’s hard to remember what it was like before. But as he probes it, tries to unstick it from trauma and feel it for exactly what it is, he finds something he isn’t expecting. It’s something like desire-lust-attraction-want-need.
It’s suddenly so obvious. A big bright neon sign in his brain screaming, hey, it’s him. And of course it is. It was never going to be anyone else, not like this. It’s Eddie.
It’s Eddie, and Buck is in love with him.
He has no idea what to do with it.
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drchucktingle · 11 months ago
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buckaroo chorus
finished important final pass of BURY YOUR GAYS and that is a scary time as writer. imagine thinking 'every single word of this is going to be REPEATED in books and ebooks IT BETTER BE CORRECT.’ but then i remind myself there is no correct in art and there is certainly no perfect
art is not about capturing PERFECTION it is about capturing HONESTY OF A MOMENT. because perfection does not exist but raw honesty and connection to this ever passing timeline does. we are here grabbing life out of the stream and holding it in our hands to cry out I WAS HERE
and i will say confidently that, if nothing else, BURY YOUR GAYS kicks open the door and says I WAS HERE. it takes this moment on our timeline and reflects it back with enough heart and honesty and raw expression of a queer experience, and an ARTIST experience, that it scares me
so i guess that fear is ok. BEING THAT RAW IS SCARY. REVEALING THAT MUCH OF YOURSELF IS SCARY. but that is also what creation and art is all about. and now i am no longer scared because i know i have you buckaroos out here who love and support me and are excited to listen
but the message here isnt about ME and my work. it is about US. it is about how YOU also have a story that is deep inside and it might be frightening to express, because it is not perfect, but BUD I AM TELLING YOU IT IS NEVER PERFECT which means in its own way that is ALWAYS IS
and you might think ‘well nobody wants to hear my story it is not important to this timeline’ but BUCKAROO these stories ARE ALL THERE IS. EVERY MOMENT AND PERSPECTIVE TUMBLING OVER EACH OTHER IN A BEAUTIFUL MESS JUST WAITING FOR YOUR VOICE
so add that voice to the mix. im on the verge of adding another bit of mine with BURY YOUR GAYS and i want us to trot here together in big chorus chanting: ‘this is my way. this is OUR way’. we will be here to catch each other when it gets scary because raising voices is worth it
the rallying cry is simple: CREATE. BUILD. EXPRESS. CONQUER THE LYING VOICE THAT SAYS YOUR TECHNICAL PERFECTION IS BETTER THAN TRUTH OF THE MOMENT. FILL THE VOID WITH ART and do not fear because weve got your back buckaroo. we are ALL creators in our own way so LETS HECKIN CREATE
https://tornightfire.com/catalog/bury-your-gays-chuck-tingle/ here is where my voice will be soon. cant wait to hear yours too bud
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s0lemnhypn0s · 3 months ago
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(Warning for this post I'm half asleep so I might be incoherent or have disjointed topics. Bare with me, I'm trying to express my thoughts the best I can.)
(and WARNING! i discuss personal paranoias at one point during this, which include the topic of bugs and self harm)
"Billford is ironic we're shipping them ironically" "We don't actually want to see them together" "We don't think theyre a good pair" "its irreconciliably abusive" "its one sided"
ok I'm gonna put forward a take that might be poorly recieved: I think you all are misunderstanding Billford (And each character individually) and just reducing it to "bill abused ford" takes away so much of what makes their dynamic fascinating. And also claiming "Erm its a bit" while engaging in something you "recognize" as abuse only does a disservice to the topic of abuse and how it relates to the mentally ill (I will get into that later). You are treating the relationship as a joke and only acknowledging the abusive aspects when people come at you is just pretty scummy of you. Speaking as someone who experienced a near identical abusive relationship, where my paranoia was preyed upon, causing me to still suffer from the paranoia of being watched by them or that my abuser will eventually send someone after me.
In general, the existence of abuse is a complicated one and abuse is not a catch all, end all term. Not all abuse is built the same. Billford is undeniably abusive, but there is not a period after "abusive", are you picking up what I'm putting down. It's not just "Bill was exerting power over Ford and thats it"
Lets start with: We all recognize Ford is paranoid, but we don't seem to recognize Bill as paranoid in the exact same way, dare I say - Even more paranoid than Ford. I mean, ford got his "Trust no one" quote from Bill directly saying his rule of thumb for trusting people is to just trust no one. He doesn't trust others - He simply doesn't. And this is part of where Bill Cipher's manipulation of SPECIFICALLY Ford comes in.
Now I am going to speak from a personal anecdote of my experience with paranoia and delusions - Me, I will try to "safeguard" against my every little fear and belief that something will, undoubtedly, undeniably, be out to hurt me, and these safeguards are often extreme in nature. They don't make sense to the people around me, but they make sense to me. Sometimes they hurt the people around me. Sometimes, they hurt me. I believe this is the same with Bill Cipher himself. He is taking measures to make sure his worst fears do not come to pass. And because Bill is decidedly not human, only interacts with humans when he deems neccesary, those measures often take the form of something even more extreme than, idk, me shaving my head because I thought bug eggs were in my hair or trying to cut open my skin because I thought something was living in it. They take the form of something abusive (Which is also just... Something that happens with the mentally ill sometimes. I see you guys trying to separate our mental illness from our actions and claim "thats not making you do that". I see you.). Him trying to guard himself from something so terrible(facetious) as Ford's percieved betrayal ultimately becomes a self fufilling prophecy.
Not to mention, if you guys didn't notice. Bill without a doubt projects his own insecurities onto Ford. "I make you feel important" Ford makes Bill feel important. "No one loves you" He was ostracized in his dimension. "Who will miss you" He destroyed his entire home, nobody would mourn Bill, because they were all gone, long gone. "I'm sending someone to steal your eyes" Might be a stretch, but I look towards the silly straw poem "A different kind of eye doctor, who wants to make his patient blind" Obviously the use of "blind" here is metaphorical, but I feel its still in some ways applicable.
Bill very evidently experienced medical abuse and ostracization in Euclydia, something exceedingly common for those labeled as mad. (Which also brings me to the topic of people saying "I'm so glad they didn't make Bill a sympathetic villain in the book of bill" bc. Hi. I'm a guy thats experienced ostracization and medical staff forcibly medicating me in order to fix me. I think he is sympathetic actually). Not only that, Bill Cipher had a trillion years to fester in his resentment and his guilt, and you think that like. Didn't effect him at all. I really and truly beg to disagree.
Not only that: I think Bill felt a kinship with Ford. Ford was ostracized, he was betrayed by the world (and "betrayed" by his brother), he was regarded as a freak for what he was born with, just as Bill was regarded as a freak for his mutation in Euclydia. Bill thought Ford was just like him. Bill thought Ford would understand him, and furthermore would jump at the opportunity to burn the world down with him. And. to his credit. Ford does, in some capacity, understand him. As much as Ford could understand, with Bills lies within lies. Bill craves the intimacy and fears the touch. He uses fear to get Ford to love him, not only because he thinks it will safeguard him from what he fears most, but likely because it is all he knows, all he was taught. Love through fear. Our love is painful, but we only want to help. Pain in love is natural. It's right. It will only hurt a little. This is how you know we love you. He was shocked when Ford rejected him. He thought he did everything right. He had everything planned, for them to be together for eternity.
And bare in mind also that - Bill. Most evidently. Views himself as a monster. When Ford asks about what happened to his dimension, who destroyed it - Bill responds "A monster.", he says "Sixer, it would eat you alive" when Ford offers to help hunt it down. He lets his mask of jovial, mysterious mischief drop just slightly, and we understand just a little bit more of how he feels about the euclidean massacre, how he understands himself through his actions. And what he understands, is that this is just his nature. "I liberated my dimension, Stanford", a lie but not in the way you'd think. He lies, acting like what he did was intentional, as its the only way he could ascribe "reason" to what he did. It couldn't have been an accident. That is just how I am. It wasn't an accident, and I liberated them. (I wish I could go back.) And I come back to the idea of a self fufilling prophecy, because its again- That exactly. Bill decided this was all he could be, he did everything that would make him a "monster" after the accident that caused the euclidean massacre - And so, he was. A sick prognosis that he created and fufilled with his own two hands, he became the monster he and his home dimension envisioned him as.
Abuse is a complicated subject. What Bill did was abuse, yes, but I also distinctly believe it to be a case of abuse between two mentally ill people, one of which is so old, his hate his anger and his regrets, all are ancient and yet so fresh.
I feel another part of the problem is people are taking Bill at face value. Which is exactly what he wants to do because then you dont get at what hes doing all this for and why. You don't get past the exoskeleton to the tender flesh beneath. But stop taking what he says at face value. Read into it more. Analyze the triangle.
Also it might be controversial (hyperbole.) , but I do thing it means /something/ that during Ford's part of the book of bill, where Bill and Ford's relationship is recounted from his perspective, Bill is notably absent, whereas in the rest of the book, he is guiding us through it and constantly maintains a loud presence in it. You could interpret this in a lot of different ways I think, but the way I've chosen to interpret it is as a mix of shame, regret, and an unwillingness to revisit their past together. Perhaps even Bill having enough respect for Ford to not interject his telling of their story together, if you want to get real complicated about it. Paradoxal, if you will.
(Also I find the theraprism to be a most fucked "end" for Bill Cipher due to the medical abuse he experienced as a child. Something something, mad people can never escape the institutions which seek to "fix" them.)
anyway if you read through my mad sleep addled ramblings CONGRATS! i'm probably going to make edits and add to this when I wake up in the morning but i needed to get this out or id forget. billford is abusive but its way more complex than just... abuse. Abuse is a complex subject and it exists on a spectrum, for a lack of better words. and dont twist my words - That isn't saying "this is less bad abuse", this is saying "its complicated and just leaving it at abusive does their relationship a disservice"
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