#the change in routine and environment is really hard for me but it helps that kovu is always kovu

[thelittlespanielthatcould]

he's the best little travel buddy in the whole wide world

[nanowrimo]

4 Tips for Autistic Writers

Autistic writers can face unique challenges when it comes to writing. NaNo Participant Auden Halligan has tips to handle some of those challenges!

So, you’ve just sat down at your desk, all ready to work on your next chapter, but you just can’t seem to start. Something is itching at your brain, and no matter how hard you think, you can’t figure it out. For autistic writers, that itch might be even harder to get around when compounded with autistic inertia, introspection issues, and sensory processing disorder — even if we were super excited to get started, sometimes the stumbling blocks are enough to keep us from going anywhere at all.

Here are four tips to identify your struggles and work around them rather than against them as an autistic writer!

1. Schedule your writing time appropriately

While keeping a schedule can help you stave off unwanted change in your routine, the need to switch to another task when the clock strikes the hour sometimes feels like a monumental task, one that eventually becomes detrimental to your creative pursuits.

If switching tasks is the biggest hurdle to your writing, setting a designated writing time with no other plans around it could do the trick. Oftentimes, just one hour of time to transition from doing dishes to sitting down at your computer to write is exactly what you need to get past that point and find your writing headspace.

2. Make sure your sensory environment is right

Sometimes getting into that writing headspace is harder than normal, but you can’t put your finger on a reason. Chances are, you’re not quite ready until you have your sensory needs met and you can fully focus on your story.

Personally, I like to be on the couch with my water bottle, a playlist at just the right volume, and a comfortable jacket or hoodie on. For you, the ideal sensory space might involve a desk and a snack, a pet nearby, and a quiet room. For others, it could be outside or even at a library or coffee shop. Autistic people are all different and so are their sensory needs, so this one is super subjective — do what works best for you!

3. Take breaks often

Writing can be exhausting, and if you’re struggling to keep going, you might need to take a pause. If you’re like me and struggle with remembering to hydrate and eat once you’re deep in a task, use your break to get some water and a snack. If you’re having trouble staying focused, get up and move around and stim or go outside to give your brain a reset. If you feel like you’ve gotten some good progress done, however small, reward yourself — do something related to your special interest, dance with a pet, and celebrate your little (or big!) win!

The pomodoro method is a good way to keep yourself from working too long without a break, and if that doesn’t work for you, methods like the Eisenhower method with breaks interspersed and even simply inserting breaks into your scheduled writing time are just as valid.

4. Don’t be afraid to skip around

Another thing that often trips us autistic people up is needing to follow the story down its natural progression, from start to middle all the way to the finish. But inevitably, once we’ve gotten past the initial excitement of having the project started, we hit a stumbling block…and the project gets abandoned. I’ve left behind countless projects because I lost interest after hitting a scene I wasn’t excited for after just a few chapters.

To combat this, try writing out of order! Skip ahead to the scene directly after your stumbling block. You could also skip to the next scene your favorite character is in or even to the climax if it helps you move forward. If you’re having trouble putting your first words down, try writing a random scene in the middle of your story to get into the groove of writing your characters.

Alternately, if you can’t abide by the out of order method and really need to get your characters from Point A to Point B, try putting the scene you’re stuck on in brackets. For example:

[Character 1 and Character 2 fight over the decision to kick Character 3 off the team. 2 leaves in anger.]

It’s simple, efficient, and gets you out of that particular rut so you can keep moving toward that sweet, sweet conversation you’ve wanted to write since Day 1.

Now go forth and write, my friends!

Auden Halligan is a creator through and through. She’s been writing her entire life, but didn’t start participating in NaNoWriMo until 2017–right now she’s working on developing a TV series (or two!) and has several novels and short films in the drafting phase. Auden is currently a college student studying film production and hoping to minor in disability studies. You can find her on her very sparse Twitter at ink.and.spite. Photo by Lisa Fotios from Pexels

If you’re an autistic writer, check out the Pillow Fort in the NaNoWriMo forums! It’s a group for people who are neurodivergent, have disabilities, mental health concerns, or physical challenges that affect their lives.

[hiitsm]

All I want is to have some Peace, with You.

You find yourself wrestling with recurring negative flashbacks from your childhood, unsure how to broach the subject with your girlfriend, consumed by fear of her reaction.

All I want is to have some Peace, with You is for 18+ only.

PTSD, Childhood trauma, Smut, Fluff

-

Important note:

This piece is deeply personal to me, drawn from my own journey through PTSD. It's important to note that everyone's experience with PTSD is unique; what I've shared here is just one perspective.

I'm incredibly proud of everyone navigating their own path through this journey, no matter where they are along the way. And want to give a shoutout to those who support their loved ones through it all-it means more than words can say.

Sharing this piece is a vulnerable step for me, so I ask that we all approach it with kindness, no matter our thoughts or opinions.

-

Just before you met your girlfriend, you were exhausted. Your body constantly felt tired, and you couldn't quite figure out why. The doctor advised you to wait and see if things worsened, suggesting you return if they did. Although it didn't worsen, your body remained tense all the time, draining your energy.

To you, life felt monotonous. You woke up, had breakfast, went to work, and often conversed with your parents, where your mother would eventually get upset over something small you did or said. Then you'd have dinner and go to bed.

It was the same routine, week after week. Despite this routine, you couldn't understand why your body constantly felt on edge, always tense and drained of energy.

Then you met your girlfriend. One rare evening, you decided to go to a bar in the center of Barcelona, and she happened to be there. She offered you a drink, and the conversation flowed effortlessly. You couldn't quite grasp how such a beautiful girl would notice you, let alone want to talk with you.

Your body completely relaxed when you talked with her. Every time she chuckled while sharing a childhood story, you felt at ease without realizing it. You were so captivated that you didn't notice how much your body was unwinding, as if to say that everything would be okay, even though you weren't sure what "okay" was anymore. You had become so accustomed to the tension that it felt normal, which is why you didn't recognize the change.

When you went home that night, you couldn't help but feel light. For the first time, life seemed to have more purpose, all because of her. She was intoxicating in the best way possible. The conversation had been wonderful, and she looked so beautiful. You exchanged phone numbers, and just as you were lying in bed, she texted you. That's when you realized she was one of the greatest footballers of all time: Alexia Putellas. But you didn't care about her awards, even though they were quite impressive. You cared about her as a person and were so glad you got to know her without any preconceived notions.

Your first date together came swiftly. Despite not consciously noticing the change in your body when you were with her, whether in person or talking on the phone, one thing was unmistakable: she made you feel cared for and loved, and you reciprocated with the same warmth. You made an effort to support her during her matches, even though the loud environment and crowds weren't really your thing.

After a particularly hard-won victory for her team, Alexia invited you to dinner at her mother's place to meet her and her sister. Nervous as you were, you couldn't say no.

That's when you finally noticed a change in your body, but it wasn't the positive relaxation you felt when you were with your girlfriend; this change was unexpected and negative. One moment, you were holding your girlfriend's hand under the table, laughing at something her kind mother had said, and the next, you accidentally knocked over a glass, causing it to shatter on the ground. Alexia's family reacted warmly and kindly, reassuring you that they had plenty more glasses, but you couldn't hear them over the ringing in your ears and the racing of your heart.

Suddenly, a flashback hit you. A memory of your younger self, maybe around eight years old, dropping a glass and your mother reacting with intense upset, even physical punishment. You had buried that memory deep within, but now it resurfaced with startling clarity. You found yourself in shock, unable to even apologize to Eli before Alexia squeezed your hand under the table, grounding you instinctively. Eli was kind and forgiving, but the tension in your body remained.

Despite Alexia's loving gestures and efforts to ease your discomfort, the tension persisted throughout the dinner.

As days passed, you found yourself struggling with daily tasks more than usual. Simple things like focusing at work or even enjoying a meal became daunting. The tension in your body seemed to escalate, and more flashbacks from your childhood would unexpectedly flood your mind.

You hadn't yet spoken to Alexia about what was happening. In truth, you didn't fully understand it yourself. The memories that resurfaced were fragments of a past you had buried deep, and confronting them felt overwhelming.

One evening, when Alexia came over to your apartment she noticed that you hadn't done the things you normally would have. The dishes were piled up, and the laundry was untouched. She could see that something wasn't right.

You had experienced more vivid flashbacks of your mother physically hurting you in the past, but when Alexia asked if you were okay, you hesitated. Instead of sharing the truth, you told her you were feeling sick. Without a moment's hesitation, Alexia took charge, helping you into bed and preparing homemade soup to comfort you.

As she sat by your side, her concern was palpable. When she gently inquired about your parents, your body tensed involuntarily. You had been avoiding your parents for a while now, a fact she wasn't aware of. Once again, you chose to lie, deflecting her concern with a half-truth.

The next day, as Alexia headed off to training and you had a rare morning off, you found yourself overwhelmed with emotions. But amidst the turmoil, the strongest feeling was guilt. Guilt over lying to your girlfriend. It wasn't about the physical pain you had endured in the past, nor the mental scars left by your parents' admonitions to keep quiet about it. No, what weighed heaviest on your mind was deceiving Alexia.

You spent the morning wrestling with your thoughts, debating whether to confide in her. Would she stay if you told her the truth? You couldn't bear the thought of losing her. The fear of her rejection paralyzed you, yet the burden of keeping these secrets from her felt increasingly heavy.

Throughout the day, memories resurfaced, each one a testament to the walls you had built around your past. But Alexia had breached those walls with her kindness and genuine concern. As you recalled her comforting presence and unwavering support, a flicker of hope emerged. The hope that she might understand, that she might stay.

But it wasn't easy. Every time you tried to open up, the words faltered. You could see the concern in your girlfriend's eyes, her worry for you evident even though she didn't fully understand the source. Her deep love for you acted as a balm, soothing many wounds, but in her absence, the shadows returned.

When she wasn't around, the flashbacks intensified. The memories you had buried resurfaced with a vengeance, overwhelming you with panic attacks. The tight knot in your throat, the trembling in your legs, the waves of nausea, they all surfaced when she wasn't there to anchor you.

It took time for these panic attacks to manifest fully, but now they were a part of your reality. They reminded you of the unresolved pain and fear that lingered beneath the surface, waiting to be acknowledged and healed.

You couldn't help but feel a sense of frustration and self-blame. Here you were, a grown adult, yet unable to carry on with your day when the flashbacks hit. You questioned yourself relentlessly. Why couldn't you move past the memories of your childhood? There were surely others who had been through worse. Why did these emotions surface now, when you had found happiness with your girlfriend by your side?

These thoughts stirred a mix of emotions within you. Anger, confusion, and a deep-seated sense of inadequacy. You berated yourself for being so emotional, for letting these past experiences affect your present life. In response, you pushed your emotions down once again, burying them beneath a facade of composure.

Whenever you felt overwhelmed by negative emotions, you found solace in kissing your girlfriend. Her kisses had a way of making your mind go pleasantly fuzzy, and you knew they had the same effect on her. It wasn't necessarily the most practical solution, but it worked, if only for a fleeting moment.

You would kiss her softly, savoring the sensation of her lips against yours, a reminder of the love you felt. Every time of day, you couldn't help but tell her how beautiful she looked, still amazed that such a radiant woman had chosen to be with you. Your kisses lingered, slowly exploring each other, shedding any barriers between you.

You would gently undress her, admiring her soft, full form, and your hands found their way to her curves, losing yourself in the pleasure of her touch and the sweet sound of her moans. With tender care, you would lift her, laying her down on the bed, whispering words of love and admiration, reaffirming how much she meant to you.

As you kissed your way down her body, you would marvel at her beauty, taking in the sight of her soft arousal. You circled her clit with gentle pressure, lost together in the waves of pleasure. Making love to her was a slow, deliberate act, a tribute to her kindness and support, unaware of how deeply she touched your heart and healed your soul.

Until one night, your mind was besieged by flashbacks, but you refrained from seeking solace in kisses because you respected her need for rest, always mindful of her boundaries. As you grappled with your thoughts alone, you recognized that continuing this way wasn't sustainable, prompting you to take action.

Sleep had become elusive, and after a particularly taxing day, you pushed yourself to seek help. The journey led to an unexpected diagnosis of PTSD, a revelation that caught you off guard. To you, the symptoms had felt like a part of daily life, a burden you had unknowingly carried for so long.

You lay on your side, your back turned towards your girlfriend, feeling the weight of tension in your body and the ceaseless churn of thoughts in your mind. It was important to you that she got the rest she deserved after a challenging game. Meanwhile, she lay on her back beside you, still wide awake, sensing the emotional distance between you both.

You knew she was overthinking it, and despite your efforts to suppress it, the need to unburden yourself grew stronger. "Amor," you whispered softly into the quiet of the room. Before she could respond, you found yourself blurting out, "I want to tell you something, but I'm afraid you'll leave," your voice catching as tears welled up.

Your girlfriend shifted closer, wrapping her arms around you, her front pressing against your back. "I won't leave," she reassured you, her own heart fluttering with anxiety. Her embrace was a testament to her unwavering support, a gentle reminder that you were not alone in this moment of vulnerability.

You broke down in tears, turning to bury your face in her neck, unable to stop sobbing. "I lied to you, and I'm so sorry, but I didn't know how to tell you," you managed to choke out between sobs. Your girlfriend held you tightly, her hand gently running through your hair in a soothing gesture, trying to comfort you through your tears.

"I've been having these flashbacks from my childhood, and my mother wasn't kind," you finally confessed, the words heavy with pain. Her response was a gentle whisper against your ear, "I'm so sorry to hear that, mi amor," her voice filled with compassion, causing another wave of tears to escape you. "I didn't realize... I had buried it all, but it's all coming back," you hiccuped, the weight of the memories overwhelming.

"It's coming back, and they says it's PTSD," you admitted, feeling vulnerable yet relieved to finally share this burden with her. She continued to hold you close, recognizing the emotions that had been building up over time. Her presence and understanding were a source of comfort as you let yourself cry in her arms.

"Who says that, mi vida?" she asked softly, her voice free of judgment.

"My therapist," you replied, feeling a twinge of embarrassment. Alexia's response was a gentle sigh of relief upon learning that you had been seeking help from a professional.

"Aren't you mad?" you asked cautiously, uncertain of how she might react.

"I don't understand how it's PTSD," you continued, struggling with the concept because you had always associated PTSD with a single traumatic event.

"It's okay, mi amor," Alexia reassured you tenderly, her voice soothing. "This stems from your childhood, from being in a toxic environment for years. I'm so proud of you for taking this step and seeking the help you deserve from a professional. PTSD is just a diagnosis—it won't define who you are, I promise you that."

After Alexia's reassuring words, you felt a weight lift from your shoulders, if only slightly. Her acceptance and understanding were more than you had dared hope for. You turned to face her, eyes filled with gratitude and a hint of disbelief.

"I... I didn't know how you'd react," you admitted quietly, your voice still trembling with vulnerability.

Alexia gently cupped your face in her hands, her touch grounding you in the moment. "Mi amor, I'm here for you. Always," she said earnestly, her eyes reflecting unwavering support.

You leaned into her touch, feeling a rush of relief and gratitude. "Thank you," you whispered, overwhelmed by her unconditional love.

"I want to understand," Alexia continued softly, her thumb brushing away a stray tear from your cheek. "If you're comfortable, tell me more about what you're going through. I'm here to listen."

You hesitated, grappling with the fear of burdening her with your pain. But her patient gaze encouraged you to share. "It's like... these memories keep coming back, and they feel so real," you began haltingly. "I thought I had buried them, but they're here, haunting me."

Alexia nodded thoughtfully, her expression one of deep empathy. "It must be incredibly difficult," she murmured, her fingers gently tracing soothing patterns on your back.

"It is," you admitted, feeling the weight of years of suppressed emotions. "But having you here... it makes a difference. Knowing that I can lean on you."

"You can always lean on me," Alexia affirmed, pulling you into a tender embrace. "We'll face this together, mi amor."

As you rested in her arms, the knot of fear and uncertainty began to loosen. For the first time in a long while, you felt a glimmer of hope. A sense that with Alexia by your side, you could navigate the stormy seas of your past and find peace.

The therapy sessions had become a regular part of your life, a deliberate effort to untangle the tightly wound threads of your past. Through EMDR, you revisited memories long buried, each session leaving you emotionally drained yet oddly liberated. But it wasn't just the memories that haunted you; it was the residual effects that surfaced unexpectedly.

One evening, as you strolled through a crowded plaza in Barcelona, a sudden movement caught your eye, triggering an involuntary flinch. Alexia noticed immediately, her concern etched on her face.

"It's okay, mi amor," she murmured softly, drawing you closer as you continued walking. "I'm here."

Grateful for her understanding, you nodded. These moments were unpredictable, flinches at sudden movements, a racing heart at unexpected sounds but Alexia's presence was a steady anchor. She knew about the therapy, about the fragments of your past you were piecing together, and she didn't flinch from your moments of vulnerability.

As you settled into a cozy café, Alexia reached across the table, her fingers intertwining with yours. "You're doing so well," she reassured you, her voice unwavering. "Facing all of this takes incredible strength."

You managed a small smile, feeling the weight of her words and the warmth of her touch. With Alexia, there was no need to explain yourself, she understood without words, offering solace in her silent support.

One evening, as you and Alexia were relaxing together at home, she moved suddenly to hand you a book, and you flinched involuntarily. It shocked you because you knew deep down that Alexia would never hurt you. Tears welled up in your eyes as you whispered, "I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to..."

Alexia's heart broke as she immediately took you in her arms, holding you close. "Shh, mi amor," she whispered softly, her voice laced with understanding and concern. "It's okay, I know you didn't mean it."

"I just... I just want to have some peace with you," you sobbed, your words choked with emotion. Alexia held you tighter, gently rocking you as you released the pent-up sorrow and fear.

As your tears subsided, Alexia continued to hold you close, her touch a soothing balm to your troubled soul. Feeling a surge of gratitude and love for her unwavering support, you gently pulled back to look into her eyes.

"Thank you," you murmured, your voice trembling with emotion. "For understanding, for being here."

Alexia smiled tenderly, brushing a tear from your cheek. "I love you," she whispered, her voice filled with sincerity.

Moved by her words and overwhelmed by the depth of your feelings, you reached up to cup her face in your hands. "I love you too," you replied softly, your heart swelling with love for this extraordinary woman who had changed your life.

In a spontaneous gesture of affection, you leaned forward and pressed your lips to hers, a kiss filled with gratitude, love, and a promise of healing together. Alexia responded eagerly, her arms wrapping around you as she deepened the kiss, both of you melting into each other's embrace.

[neptunes-sol-angel]

I knew it was destiny for me to do a coraline themed pac. Enjoy! 💗

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Pile One

From your inner teen's perspective, your costume is an eclipse that covers your range and your capacity to move on to the next phase of developing your sense of self and what you'd like to accomplish. Your costume could be like a zombie or in general, someone who isn't in control of their body or thoughts. If you have any anger that you feel at times that you may consider random, this could be your inner teen's frustration over how you have tendencies of not having a grip on your self awareness and identity. You could depend too much on how you're being perceived by others or their approval or maybe there's this substance or tool that you use to help morph yourself into someone different to appease on what people in your environment may think is appropriate. I keep thinking about acid and other hallucinogens, if I'm correct, no trip is supposed to be the same as the previous or next trip. So when I think about this energy that I'm picking up in this pile, you constantly manipulate yourself in order to stay the same in hopes of receiving the same reaction from others. It's like reinforcement, where you get some sort of gratification, but is bringing to yourself in some way. Examples that I'm channeling includes but not limited to overacheiving to the point where nothing satisfies you, being in a back and forth connection by doing things that gets the other person to chase after you, and  (TW ⚠️: eating disorders). This irritates your inner teen, because one of your biggest goals when you were in the age of adolescence, was to grow beyond the reach of people that made you feel low about yourself and to escape the grasp of abusive environments that constrain you and made you dream of a life where things could be better and different. Who you are when no one is watching and behind those tears of discontent and malaise, is someone who's constantly reinventing themselves, and embraces these transitions of change. You hold yourself back in worry of how other people will think, when really you're meant to cause a shock factor. You are not normal spongebob where your emotions, thoughts, and looks are fixed to the same degree every day. You're spontaneous in a way where if you were to step outside in the world as you are, validation is no longer your drug, YOU are the drug that changes the trajectory in so many people's minds in how they view their daily routines, the careers they should go after, that new hobby that they feel drawn to, that clothing piece or new hairstyle that they feel will look good on them, new philosophies and epiphanies to the small and big things to make themselves safe in their own skin.

Pile Two

Your inner teen feels like you're still holding onto the inferiority that was felt during the time where you needed community and support the most. You could hold on too much to this title of being your own person to the point where you feel separated from society. You could see yourself as someone with an "alien" like personality where you feel that you can't really connect with others or it's hard for people to feel connected with you. You could believe in starseeds and think that you are one, and while that can be true and if you resonate with that part, there's a message here to recognize that whatever past life that you may have had, doesn't change the fact that this life that you have right now, is for you to live a human and earthly experience because you are when no one is watching behind that facade of thinking that you're someone who doesn't belong here, you indeed have attributes that you share with others, you just haven't found your people yet, but you will. However, there's a main message about knowing that everyone you meet is someone you can learn from. If you're a spiritualist and/or occultist, there's a part of your first awakening in which you joined because it either came from a place of being where it feels like you're misunderstood or you were going through strange things that only other certain people could relate. But like the character Coraline in her self-titiled movie, there's a need to appreciate the home you have more, the friends and family that you do have in your circle and to tap into that part of yourself that desires to be seen and heard by just going for it and asking for what you need, which is someone who can listen to you and understand that you do have feelings under that distant and neutral persona that you showcase. Unwind, and become more vulnerable with others with not just the things that make you human which is your feelings, but also the things that make you feel like you're otherworldly. You don't have to be a stray in this world, you can be apart of it by finding your place the more that you open your heart.  Your quirky and whimsical self is not meant to be hidden and gatekeeping yourself from the world out of spite of the past, is the biggest rejection that you can face in this world. And don't withhold the knowledge that you're sitting on or neglect the student within you, that's one of the major ways you'll be able to find wholesome interactions with others.

Pile Three

"The healer heals everyone, but who heals the healer?" The inner teen inside you could feel that you've done an amazing job with nurturing yourself and nurturing others. You exude the energy of someone with immense strength, protection, crystallized intelligence, and reliance, which could make people feel drawn for something within them that needs to be nourished, and your actions heavily reflect your presence by how you're always there in service for others and how you take care of people in your personal life and the people that you may not know as well your loved ones. Your inner teen feels that although you've generated an abundance of good karma for how you genuinely kind you are, how you're constantly available for others is tipping the scale when you could be at a point in your life where you are in need of a person that's like you. I'm sensing there's something that needs to change in order to tend to yourself more, a desire for more reciprocation, but also an urge to step away from always being the one who heals others. You want to be known and valued for other things besides what you can do for people and even if you've developed this helpful nature from having responsibilities over other people like your family members at a young age, or if it's just innate, you're exhausted from this life and could use at least a break. Who you are when no one is watching, is someone who needs to be freed from what is expected of them and to find their own peace outside of dealing with everyone's chaos. Home is being brought up so much in my mind, so you're meant to explore different avenues that could be outside of family traditions, social norms, and to leave where you grew up around, you're meant to go on adventures around the world and revel in your independence. If you want a life without becoming a parent, it's not selfish to be that way, and it's perfectly find to spread your wings away from the pressure to make certain commitments that isn't yours to have. Perhaps you're interested in a lifestyle and/or career that doesn't involve being in service for others, maybe you're realizing what your true love language is and realizing what your real expectations in a partner are. Who you are when no one is watching is someone exotically beautiful in many ways than one. You know that your heart is a plus, but soon everyone will know this too.

[kat-thepoet]

Veins of Violet

Logan Howlett X Fem!Reader

Part 13: Fractured Memories

A/N: I hope you guys are enjoying these chapters! Enjoyyy!💜🩵💛

Previous Chapters ☞ HERE ☜

5.4k words

Logan's Pov 

It had been a week since Violet had fallen into this deep sleep, and every day felt like an eternity. Laura and I were doing our best to adjust to this new environment—the mansion, the people, the memories it stirred. It was strange being here, with so many familiar faces from another life, but not quite the same.

Laura had started to settle in, finding a bit of a routine among the other kids. She was tough, adapting quickly, but I could see the strain of worrying about Violet weighing on her. We both tried to keep busy, but every time I saw her glance toward the medical wing, I knew her thoughts mirrored mine.

Wade and Vanessa had been a constant presence, popping in every day to check on Violet. Wade would usually bring some ridiculous item—a rubber chicken, a glitter bomb, once even a miniature disco ball—hoping to coax a reaction out of her. It was his way of showing he cared, in that weird, over-the-top manner of his. Vanessa, ever the calming influence, would just sit with Violet for a while, talking to her softly, as if her voice alone could bring Violet back.

Meanwhile, back at the apartment, Wade and Vanessa had taken it upon themselves to fix the door that had been blasted to pieces during our last encounter. Wade had insisted on doing it himself, with Vanessa supervising to make sure he didn't turn it into another one of his "creative projects." I wasn't sure if the door would end up looking like it belonged in a normal apartment or if it would be some sort of over-the-top, Wade-style masterpiece, but either way, I appreciated the help.

As for me, I spent most of my time between the medical wing and the training room, trying to work off the restlessness that came from waiting. The training room was a good place to clear my head, to burn off the frustration of not being able to do more for Violet. But no matter how hard I pushed myself, at the end of the day, I always found myself back by her side, waiting for some sign of change.

Laura was doing her best to stay strong, but I could tell it was taking a toll on her too. She'd visit Violet every day, sometimes just sitting in silence, other times telling her about the small things happening around the mansion—who she'd met, what she'd learned. It was like she was trying to keep Violet connected to the world, even if she couldn't respond.

One morning, after another round in the training room, I found myself back in Violet's room, as usual. I sat down in the chair beside her bed, looking at her peaceful face, and sighed. "C'mon, Violet," I muttered, not for the first time. "We're all waiting for you."

The only response was the steady beep of the machines monitoring her, a sound I'd grown to both hate and find comfort in. It was a reminder that she was still here, even if she was taking her time finding her way back to us.

I leaned back in the chair, letting my eyes close for a moment, and just listened to the sounds of the mansion—the distant chatter, the occasional burst of laughter from the kids, the soft footsteps of people passing by. It was strange, this place. It wasn't home, not really, but it was starting to feel like something close to it.

I decided to take a small walk to clear my head, needing some air after the endless days of waiting. The grounds of the mansion were quiet, with the early morning sun casting long shadows across the grass. It was peaceful, but my mind was anything but. I kept thinking about Violet, about what would happen when she finally woke up. 

When I returned to the mansion, I was surprised to find Charles waiting for me at the front door. His expression was calm, but there was something in his eyes that put me on edge.

"What is it?" I asked, my heart skipping a beat.

"She's awake," Charles said, his voice gentle but filled with an undercurrent of concern.

For a moment, all I felt was pure joy and relief. She was awake. After all this time, Violet was finally awake. I was ready to rush inside, to see her, to tell her how much I'd missed her, but before I could take a step, Charles held up a hand to stop me.

"Wait, Logan," he said, his tone more serious now. "There's something you need to know."

I turned to him, the joy in my chest quickly giving way to apprehension. 

"What is it?"Charles hesitated, clearly choosing his words carefully. 

"Violet has no memory of the last two months," he said as delicately as he could.

I stared at him, the words not quite sinking in at first. "What do you mean she lost her memory of the last two months?" I asked, my voice sharp with confusion.

Charles sighed, his expression somber. "She doesn't remember anything, Logan. Not the mission, not what happened with Strucker...not even meeting you."The words hit me like a punch to the gut. 

My mind reeled, trying to process what he was saying. "She doesn't remember me?" I repeated, the disbelief and anger beginning to bubble up inside me.

"No," Charles confirmed, his voice steady but filled with empathy. 

"It's as if those two months never happened for her. And there's more, Logan."I clenched my fists, the frustration building.

 "What more could there be?"

"You can't talk to her about your history together," Charles said, his tone firm but caring. 

"If you try to force those memories back, it could cause serious damage to her mind. She's fragile right now, and pushing her too hard could lead to a blackout or worse."The anger surged within me, hot and fierce. 

"So what, I'm just supposed to pretend like none of it happened? Like she means nothing to me?" I snapped, the idea of losing everything we'd built together hitting me hard.

"I know it's not fair, Logan," Charles said calmly, meeting my gaze with understanding. "But right now, we have to focus on her recovery. The memories may come back on their own in time, but you can't risk her safety by trying to force them. we need you to be patient, even if it's difficult."

"But I have the right to see her and talk to her right?" Hoping he would say yes. 

Charles sighed, his expression sympathetic yet firm. "I understand your frustration, Logan. You care about her deeply, and that's why this is so hard. But for now, it's best if we allow her the space she needs to heal. You can see her, but only when she's ready. Pushing her too soon might do more harm than good."

I clenched my fists, the tension in my body evident. "But I need to be there for her. She might not remember me, but I still remember her. I can't just sit back and do nothing."

As I continued to argue with Charles, my frustration boiling over, a familiar scent caught my attention. My head snapped in the direction of the source, heart pounding. It was her—Violet. I could smell her, that unique blend of sweetness and something else, something comforting that I couldn't put into words. My eyes locked onto her as she walked down the hallway with Hank by her side.

Without thinking, I began moving toward her, my need to be near her overwhelming any logic or reason. I could feel Charles's gaze on my back, but his words were drowned out by the pounding of my heart in my ears. I had to see her, to talk to her, to remind her of what we had, even if she didn't remember.

Violet's POV

I woke up in a room I'd never seen before. The walls were stark white, illuminated by bright overhead lights that gave everything an almost sterile feel. The surface I was lying on was hard and cold, a far cry from anything comfortable. As my senses returned, a sharp ache pulsed in my head, and I was bombarded by the sound of muffled voices—loud, chaotic, like I was suddenly thrust into the middle of New York City during rush hour. The noise was overwhelming, making my head throb even more as I sat up, wincing in pain.

The cacophony abruptly ceased when the round door across the room slid open with a soft hiss. A man in a lab coat stepped inside. He was scrawny, with glasses perched on his nose, and an air of calm that didn't match the unsettling environment. He noticed that I was awake and offered a small smile, one that didn't seem threatening, so I didn't feel the need to fight or flee.

"You're finally awake," he said, his tone gentle but with an undercurrent of something I couldn't quite place.

I blinked at him, trying to piece together where I was and how I got here, but nothing came to mind. My memory was blank, like a chalkboard wiped clean. Panic started to rise in my chest, but I forced it down, focusing on the man in front of me.

"Where am I?" I asked, my voice rough from disuse.

The man hesitated for a moment, as if considering how much to tell me. "you're fine, You're safe," he finally said, but the answer only made me more uneasy. Safe didn't tell me anything. Safe didn't explain why I couldn't remember anything or why my head felt like it was splitting in two.

"Why am I here?" I pressed, trying to keep my voice steady despite the growing anxiety. The man adjusted his glasses, his gaze shifting slightly. "You've been through a lot. There was an... incident. You might not remember everything right now, but that's okay. We're here to help you."

I frowned, the words not adding up in my mind. An incident? What kind of incident? And who were we? I needed answers, but the pounding in my head made it hard to think straight.

"What do you mean, an incident? What happened to me?" I asked, my frustration starting to seep into my voice.

The man sighed softly, looking at me with a mix of sympathy and caution. "It's a lot to process, and I don't want to overwhelm you. But for now, just know that you're in a safe place, and we'll help you get through this."

His words did little to comfort me, only deepening the unease gnawing at the edges of my mind. What wasn't he telling me? The questions spun in my head, each one more urgent than the last.

"How long have I been out?" I asked, my voice shaky despite my efforts to stay calm. I could feel the panic creeping up, threatening to take over.

The man in the lab coat hesitated, his eyes flicking away from mine before he answered. "You've been unconscious for about a week," he said softly, as if trying to ease the blow.

A week. The word echoed in my mind, leaving me reeling. An entire week of my life, gone. My thoughts raced, trying to make sense of it all. I couldn't remember how I got here or why I was wearing this ridiculous suit, I couldn't remember much, but it felt like there was something important missing—something just out of reach.

"What happened to me?" I asked again, more desperately this time. "Why can't I remember everything?"

The man stepped closer, holding up his hands as if to calm me. "It's normal to feel disoriented after what you've been through. Your memories might return with time. For now, you just need to focus on resting and regaining your strength."

I nodded slowly, though his words did little to ease the growing anxiety within me. There was a void in my memory, and I had to figure out what I was missing. But for now, I needed to stay calm, stay focused, and find out more about where I was and who this man was. The answers would come, but I had to be patient.

"Okay, but where exactly am I?" I asked, the anxiety in my voice growing. I needed to know more than vague reassurances—I needed the truth.

Before the man in the lab coat could respond, the door behind him opened, and someone else entered the room. My attention shifted immediately to the newcomer. He was a man in a wheelchair, his presence commanding yet calm. He looked not too young but not too old, with piercing blue eyes that seemed to hold a depth of understanding, and his head was completely bald.

The man in the lab coat stepped aside respectfully, as if deferring to the man in the wheelchair. The newcomer's gaze met mine, and in that moment, I felt a strange sense of familiarity, though I couldn't place it.

"You must have many questions," the man in the wheelchair said, his voice steady and reassuring. "And you deserve answers. But first, allow me to introduce myself. My name is Charles Xavier."

There was something in the way he spoke, a calm authority that put me slightly at ease despite the whirlwind of emotions swirling inside me.

"Where am I?" I repeated, my voice a mix of determination and confusion. "What is this place?"

Charles Xavier nodded, understanding the urgency of my need for information. "You're at a facility that's part of my school—a place where we help individuals like you learn to understand and control their abilities. You've been through a great deal, and you're safe here, Violet."

His words were gentle, but they carried weight. A school? Abilities? The pieces of the puzzle were starting to come together, but there were still so many gaps, so many unknowns.

"Why can't I remember anything?" I asked, my voice cracking slightly as the frustration and fear threatened to overwhelm me.

"That is something we will work on together," Charles Xavier said kindly. "You've experienced something traumatic, and your mind has protected you by blocking out certain memories. But I believe, in time, those memories will return."

I looked into his eyes, searching for any hint of deception, but found none. There was only sincerity and a deep understanding of what I was going through. Despite the confusion and fear, a part of me wanted to trust him, to believe that he could help me make sense of all this. But trust wasn't something that came easily to me, not after everything I had been through. Still, for now, I had no choice but to follow his lead and try to piece together the fragments of my past.

Before I could respond, a sharp, searing pain suddenly shot through my head, even more intense than before. It felt like my skull was being split open, the agony so overwhelming that it nearly knocked the breath out of me. I gasped, clutching my head with both hands as the pain pulsed through my temples, making it impossible to think, to focus on anything other than the sheer, blinding agony.

Charles Xavier's expression immediately shifted to one of concern, and he wheeled himself closer, his blue eyes filled with worry. The man in the lab coat stepped forward, looking alarmed, but it was Charles who spoke first.

"Violet, listen to my voice," he said, his tone calm but urgent. "Focus on my voice and try to breathe. I'm here to help you."

I tried to do as he said, tried to focus on his voice, but the pain was so intense that it felt like it was tearing me apart from the inside. My vision blurred, and I could feel the edges of my consciousness slipping away, the world around me fading as the pain threatened to pull me under.

"Stay with me, Violet," Charles urged, his voice steady, a lifeline in the storm of agony. "You're stronger than this. Focus on my voice. Breathe."

I clung to his words, forcing myself to take deep, shaky breaths, trying to push through the pain. Slowly, the blinding intensity began to subside, the sharpness dulling to a throbbing ache that still pulsed through my head but was no longer overwhelming.

As the pain receded, I opened my eyes, still breathing heavily, my body trembling from the effort. Charles was watching me closely, his gaze filled with both concern and something else—an understanding that went beyond mere sympathy.

"You're not alone, Violet," he said softly, his voice carrying a reassurance that I desperately needed in that moment. "We're here to help you through this. Whatever you're experiencing, you don't have to face it on your own."

I nodded weakly, too drained to respond with words, but something in his tone, in the way he spoke, made me want to believe him. The pain had left me shaken, but his presence, and the calm authority in his voice, was like an anchor, keeping me grounded in the midst of the storm.

As the pain gradually subsided, I felt a wave of exhaustion wash over me, but I forced myself to stay focused. The guy in the lab coat, who had been standing by anxiously, stepped forward and spoke gently.

"I'm going to check your vitals now, just to see if there's anything medically wrong," he said, his voice calm and professional.

I hesitated for a moment, still wary, but then I nodded. "Okay," I replied, my voice still a bit shaky. I wasn't sure what was happening to me, but if there was something physically wrong, I needed to know.

As he checked my vitals, Charles asked me a question. "What is the last thing you do remember, Violet?"

I looked at him, trying to concentrate. "I, uh..." I struggled to focus, sifting through my memories. "I remember getting off work and walking to the coffee shop to meet my friend Vanessa." I squinted my eyes as I spoke, trying to grasp onto that memory.

Charles nodded, looking at me attentively. "Okay, and what day is it?"

I looked at him, confused. "June 23rd?"

As I said that, he glanced at the guy across from me, who paused for a moment before continuing his work. There was a look on both of their faces that made me uneasy.

"What is it?" I asked, feeling like something was wrong.

"Nothing is wrong, Violet," Charles said, placing his hand over mine. I flinched at the sudden movement, but surprisingly, it didn't bother me.

For some reason I didn't believe him, but I decided not to press further, my hunger suddenly taking over.

As Glasses finished checking my vitals, Charles spoke up again, his tone gentle. "Are you hungry, Violet?" he asked, his eyes full of concern.

"Yeah, I guess I am," I admitted, surprised at how quickly the hunger grew in my stomach.

Charles nodded with a small smile. "Alright. Hank," he said, turning to the man in the lab coat, "when you're done, please take Violet to the kitchen so she can get something to eat."

The man—Hank—nodded, focusing on his work. "Of course," he replied, checking my pulse and then adjusting the cuff on my arm.

As I watched him, I couldn't help but feel a bit curious. "Hank? That's your name?" I asked, the question slipping out before I could stop myself.

He glanced up at me with a small smile. "Yeah, Hank McCoy," he said, his tone friendly.

I nodded, filing the name away. There was something comforting about having a name to go with the face, something that made this whole situation feel a little less alien.

After a few more checks, Hank stepped back, satisfied with the readings. "Everything looks stable," he said, turning to Charles. "I'll take her to the kitchen now."

Charles gave me a reassuring nod. "Go with Hank, Violet. Get something to eat and take a moment to rest. We'll talk more after you've had a chance to recover a bit."

I nodded, feeling a bit more grounded than before, and allowed Hank to help me off the examination table. My legs felt weak and I felt like I was going to fall down but Hank swiftly grabbed me and I held onto his arm as we headed toward the door. As we walked, I couldn't help but feel a strange mix of emotions—confusion, fear, but also a small spark of hope. Whatever had happened to me, whatever this place was, I wasn't alone in it. And that made all the difference.

As I walked alongside Hank, I tried to push aside the whirlwind of thoughts and emotions racing through my mind. The situation was overwhelming, and I knew I needed a distraction, something to keep me from dwelling on the fear and confusion that threatened to take over. I glanced at Hank, noticing for the first time that he had a kind face, one that exuded both intelligence and warmth. A thought crossed my mind, and I found myself smirking slightly—he was kind of cute.

Trying to lighten the mood and distract myself, I decided to make conversation. "So, what do you do here besides check vitals?" I asked, my curiosity piqued.

Hank looked over at me, a slight smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. "Well, checking vitals is just one of my many talents," he replied with a playful tone. "But most of the time, I'm a scientist. I specialize in genetics and biochemistry. I also do a fair bit of engineering—anything from creating new technology to improving existing systems."

I raised an eyebrow, genuinely impressed. "Wow, that's... a lot," I said, trying to wrap my head around it. "So, you're like a genius, then?"

Hank chuckled softly, shaking his head. "I wouldn't go that far. I just have a deep love for science and a curiosity that never seems to be satisfied. There's always something new to discover or understand."

His passion for his work was evident in the way he spoke, and it was contagious. For a moment, it made me forget the confusion and fear I had been feeling, and instead, I found myself intrigued by this man who clearly had a brilliant mind.

"So, do you get to do a lot of that here? The science and engineering stuff, I mean," I asked, genuinely interested in what his day-to-day life might be like in a place like this.

"All the time," Hank replied with a nod. "This place is like a second home to me. It's where I can fully explore the possibilities of my work, and it's also a place where I can help others—people like you—understand their abilities and potential."

His words struck a chord with me. There was something reassuring about the idea that this place wasn't just a sterile lab or a prison—it was a place for learning and growth, a place where people could discover who they were meant to be.

As we continued down the hallway, I couldn't help but feel a little more at ease. Hank's presence and the way he spoke about his work made me feel like maybe, just maybe, this was a place where I could start to figure things out.

Hank glanced at his phone, checking something briefly before looking back at me with a smile. "Well, it looks like I'm going to be your guide for the day," he said, his tone light and friendly.I couldn't help but smile back, feeling a bit of the tension ease from my shoulders. "A guide, huh? So, what does that entail?"

Hank chuckled softly. "Basically, I'll be showing you around, making sure you're comfortable, and answering any questions you might have. Think of me as your personal tour guide and support system all rolled into one."

"That doesn't sound too bad," I replied, genuinely appreciating his warmth and willingness to help. "I could definitely use a guide right about now."

He nodded, his smile widening. "Well, I'm here to help with whatever you need. And who knows? Maybe by the end of the day, this place won't seem quite so overwhelming."

As we continued walking, I found myself feeling a bit more at ease. Hank's easygoing nature and the way he approached everything with a sense of calm made the situation feel less intimidating. Maybe having a guide through all of this wasn't such a bad thing after all. We finally made it to the kitchen, and Hank kindly made me a sandwich. I was so hungry that I devoured it in minutes, barely pausing to breathe. The food helped calm my nerves, and we chatted a bit more, the conversation light and easy. It felt nice, almost normal, which was something I hadn't experienced in what felt like a long time.

As we talked, I glanced down at myself and realized I was still wearing a purple suit. It looked a lot like the one I had at home, but there was something different about it—something better. It hugged my skin perfectly, almost like it was tailored specifically for me.

"Is there any way I could change out of this?" I asked, a hint of frustration in my voice. "I feel like a comic book character wearing this."

Hank smiled, but there was a hint of uncertainty in his eyes. "We tried," he admitted. "My assistant actually attempted to put you in different clothes, but the suit... well, it's stuck to your skin. We couldn't get it off."

His words made me freeze. I looked down at the suit again, more closely this time. It was seamless, almost like a second skin, and the more I looked, the more I realized he was right—it wasn't just clothing; it was somehow bonded to me.

Without really thinking about it, I flicked my wrist in frustration. To my shock, the suit vanished, replaced by a comfortable t-shirt and sweatpants. I stared down at myself, then looked up at Hank, who was equally stunned.

"How did you do that?" he asked, his voice a mix of awe and curiosity. I shook my head, still processing what had just happened. "I have no idea," I replied, my voice trembling slightly. "I just... did it."

Hank studied me for a moment, his eyes filled with a mix of wonder and concern. "It seems your abilities are manifesting in ways we didn't anticipate," he said softly. "We're going to have to figure out the extent of what you can do."

I nodded slowly, trying to wrap my head around everything. Whatever was happening to me, it was more than just a change of clothes—it was something far deeper, something I didn't fully understand yet. And that realization was both thrilling and terrifying. As we walked back from the kitchen, Hank turned to me with a friendly smile. "I'm going to give you a tour so you don't get lost, and then I'll show you to your room."

I blinked in surprise. "My room? I'll be staying here?" The thought hadn't really crossed my mind until now. My mind immediately went to my apartment, the life I had outside of this place. "What about my apartment?"

Hank's smile remained reassuring. "Don't worry, we'll take care of that," he said, his tone calm and confident. "We have people who can manage those details for you. Right now, it's important that you focus on getting better and understanding your abilities."

I nodded, though the idea of leaving my apartment behind, even temporarily, made me feel a little uneasy. My apartment was my sanctuary, a place where I felt in control of my life. The thought of staying here, in this unfamiliar place, was daunting.

But Hank's calm demeanor and the way he spoke made it easier to accept. I had to trust that they knew what they were doing and that, for now, this was where I needed to be.

"Alright," I said finally, trying to sound more confident than I felt. "Lead the way."

Hank smiled again and began guiding me through the halls, pointing out different rooms and areas, explaining what each one was for. Despite my initial apprehension, I couldn't help but be a little curious. This place was unlike anything I'd ever seen before, and I knew that, for better or worse, this was going to be my home for a while. As Hank was guiding me through the winding halls, pointing out various rooms and explaining their purposes, we rounded a corner and saw Professor Xavier in what looked like a heated argument with another man. The man was tall, with a stern expression and an intensity that made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up.

"Who's that?" I whispered to Hank, nodding toward the two men.

Hank's expression tightened, and he subtly tried to steer us in a different direction. "It's best if we go this way," he said quietly, clearly hoping to avoid whatever was happening up ahead. But before we could change course, the man caught sight of us. His eyes locked onto me, and without hesitation, he started striding in our direction, his expression a mix of determination and something I couldn't quite place. 

Professor Xavier quickly moved to intercept him, his wheelchair gliding smoothly across the floor. "Wait—please, this isn't the time," the Professor urged, his voice calm but firm as he reached out to stop the man.

But the man ignored him, his focus entirely on me. My heart started to race, a mix of anxiety and curiosity churning inside me. Whoever this guy was, it was clear that he was intent on reaching me, and that made me both nervous and intrigued.

Hank stepped closer to me, his posture protective as the man approached. "Stay behind me," Hank murmured, his voice low.

The tension in the air was thick, and I could feel the weight of whatever was about to happen pressing down on me. I had no idea who this man was or what he wanted, but something told me this encounter was going to be important. The man's gaze remained locked on me, his eyes intense and unyielding. As Professor Xavier moved closer, trying to reason with him, the tension in the air became almost suffocating.

"Move," the man growled at Hank, his voice low and threatening. 

Hank stood his ground, his body tense as he tried to shield me from whatever this man's intentions were. But it was clear that the man wasn't going to be deterred easily. His focus was entirely on me, as if nothing else in the room existed.

Professor Xavier wheeled himself closer, his tone calm but firm. "Please, you need to listen. This isn't the way to handle this."

But the man didn't budge. He didn't even acknowledge the Professor's words, his eyes boring into mine with a mixture of intensity and desperation that made my heart pound in my chest.I felt like I was caught in a standoff, the atmosphere thick with unspoken tension. My mind raced with questions—who was this man, and why was he so intent on reaching me? What did he want? And why was he looking at me like that?

Hank's voice was calm but edged with warning as he spoke. "You need to back off. Now."

The man's expression darkened, and for a moment, I thought he might lash out. But instead, he simply took a deep breath, his gaze never wavering from mine. Whatever he wanted, it was clear that he wasn't leaving until he got it. Hank, still standing protectively in front of me, spoke in a measured tone. "Charles already spoke to you about her situation. Give her space."

Confusion swirled in my mind. "Why?" I asked, my voice a mix of frustration and curiosity. I needed to understand what was happening and why this man was staring at me like that.

I took a step forward, peering around Hank. "Who are you?" I asked the man directly, my voice firm but laced with uncertainty.

For a moment, the intensity in the man's eyes softened, as if he wanted to say something, to explain himself. There was a flicker of something—regret, sorrow, or perhaps a connection I couldn't quite grasp. But just as quickly, he turned away, the words left unsaid. Without another glance, he walked off, leaving a heavy silence in his wake.

I watched him go, my mind racing with questions. Who was he, and why did he look at me like that? And why was Hank so intent on keeping him away from me? The encounter left me more confused than ever, and I couldn't shake the feeling that there was something important I was missing. I turned to Hank, my mind still reeling from the strange encounter. Professor Xavier had already wheeled himself after the man, clearly concerned about the situation. I needed answers, and I needed them now.

"Who was that guy?" I asked, my voice tinged with both curiosity and frustration.

Hank hesitated, glancing briefly in the direction the man had gone before looking back at me. He seemed to weigh his words carefully, as if unsure how to respond. Finally, after what felt like an eternity, he spoke.

"That's Logan," he said simply.

Part 14: First Impressions

[aseplant]

what does pain even mean, if you're the only one who remembers?

sayeon & min because the new chapter is fucking pickling my brain alive, but mostly a sayeon character study. chapter 68 spoilers.

✁✃✁✃✁✃✁✃✁✁✃✁✃✁✃✁✃✁

The gym is dark when Sayeon enters. She’s used to this part by now; they’ve established a routine, for these nights they spend training, and turning on the lights is not a part of them. No sense attracting unnecessary attention, after all.

Inside, Min is already stretching, a deep lunge with flexibility that would be the envy of any dancer. He could have been a lot of things if he hadn’t had the misfortune of being born an aberrant. She could’ve been, too.

But there’s no use crying over the things she can’t change.

The door clicks shut behind her. She joins him, quietly. Arm circles, hamstring stretches, a few jumping jacks; she knows the drill by now. Sayeon excels at routines. She has always thrived in environments that pay for hard work.

Today’s focus is sparring again. It has been the entirety of this week; Sayeon supposes her performance against Juni must be embarrassing enough that Min took note. He’s been correcting her on it after the fact, footwork and weight distribution noted and realigned in ways that Juni doesn’t usually pay enough attention to to fix herself. It helps, a lot, but she’s still a long way off from even Iseul, never mind Ryujin. Never mind Min. Beating him in a pure spar is still embarrassingly unthinkable.

Point in case: three broken ribs and a fractured ankle later, Sayeon slumps against the wall, exhausted, as Min calls it for the night. He hasn’t even broken a sweat.

She sighs, taking a long swig of water. She can’t tell how much she’s improved when her only measuring stick is as immovable as a boulder. Not that it matters that much anyway, though. If it’s not results, it’s not worth a damn thing. She should—

“Are you afraid of hurting me?” Min asks, rather abruptly for someone who’s scarcely said a word all evening, except to correct her form about kicking someone’s head in.

“Huh?” Sayeon stares at him dumbly. “Um—not really? I don’t think I could seriously hurt you even if I tried.”

His little punching trial was one thing. In an actual fight, with nothing holding him back? There’s no way it’d end any better than it did with Ryujin. Plus, Min’s probably working for Samin. He must not be afraid to kill.

Speaking of Min. His face is as unreadable as ever, gaze unwavering. She meets his eyes questioningly.

But all he says is, “You pull your punches sometimes. When it matters most.”

No she doesn’t. She… she knows better than to do something like that, doesn’t she?

“It’s not unusual,” he says, essence gathering toward his left arm. “You don’t understand it yet”—(yet? She doesn’t want to understand)—a blade forms—“just how much damage”—against his arm—

(Something coils in the pit of her stomach. Her heartbeat is too loud. She doesn’t want to know she doesn’t want to know she doesn’t want to know)—

—an aberrant can take.

His arm hits the ground. It lands wetly, blood already beginning to pool.

Holy—

“Min!” she shouts. “Oh my god!”

He ignores her, nonchalantly picking up his own fucking arm. Tells her that she must think of amputated limbs as more serious than they really are—(that’s pretty fucking serious, isn’t it!?)—because of Taeho, but really, he would’ve been fine if he just hadn’t frozen up.

Christ. She’s listening, sort of. But mostly she can’t get the sound of Min’s arm hitting the ground out of her head. “Okay, sure, still—you shouldn’t… do that, Min.”

He doesn’t even look at her. “Why?”

Well, obviously—!

—she.

Doesn’t actually have an answer for that.

Why?

He can heal himself almost instantly. It clearly doesn’t affect him much anymore. Isn’t she the one who’s always saying it—that pain is just something to be conquered? Here’s the epitome of it; something to strive for, just like everything else.

(So why is it so horrifying to watch?)

But what does pain even mean, if you’re the only one who remembers?

Min’s arm is healed. Ryujin’s death was erased. One of them might as well have never happened, and one of them genuinely never happened; the unease lingers in her mind only, so what is she still dwelling on it for? Being stabbed, being amputated, being killed—what does any of it matter, if the consequences don’t last? And…

Once, a lifetime ago, when she had still thought it was possible to outrun her own blood, she’d traded years of misery and migraines, literal blood and sweat and tears, for a chance at a future that will never be hers. So once she inevitably forgets, that, too, may as well have never happened, is that right?

Ha. Haha, haaaaaaaaaaaaa. All those years really just—

…fuck. She really is still stuck in her old worldview. She wanted all that suffering to have meant something, but of course: if it doesn’t bring about results, it doesn’t mean a damn thing.

She sighs, leaning back against the wall. Min was born into this; if she wants to be truly rational, she needs to take her cues from him. She’s the one who needs to leave behind this emotional nonsense. “Right. You’re right. It’s… nothing.”

It’s all mental. That’s it. This is just one more block that needs to be overcome.

[bee-the-loser]

₊ ⊹☼ BRINGING THE SUN AND STARS ☼⊹ ₊ ──────────────────── ⋆⋅☼⋅⋆ ─────────────────── ₊ ⊹☼ Pairing: Wen Junhui x reader ₊ ⊹☼ Synopsis: Jun enters both your cat cafe and your life on a random Thursday afternoon one day, leading to a connection bigger than both of you initially would have expected. ₊ ⊹☼ Genre: Cat cafe au, fluff, sunshine boy Jun, more reserved reader ₊ ⊹☼ Word count: 1,275 ₊ ⊹☼ Warnings: None that I can think of ₊ ⊹☼ A/N: Hope you all like this, my brain decided it was time to write and somehow this came into existence :D ──────────────────── ⋆⋅☼⋅⋆ ───────────────────

Maybe it was the way the sunlight was shining through the blinds of your small cafe “A Cats Comfort” or maybe it was the way his own smile seemed to rival the sun’s rays, but you found that you couldn’t help the corners of your mouth twitching upwards whenever Jun came around. He seemed to radiate warmth that filled anyone and everyone with infectious positivity, allowing joy to flourish. You never could have imagined that a few months ago, one afternoon would change your calculated every day routine.

It didn’t seem like anything special at first, just a regular Thursday afternoon, but looking back now you can’t help but feel like the world came to a halt for the moment where Wen Junhui walked into your café. He was curious of the new environment you observed as he entered, eyes scanning his surroundings until they inevitably fell onto you. That’s when you first really started to pay attention to him as a person, his cat like eyes locking onto yours and seeming to shine with something you didn’t have the time to determine before he came bounding up to the counter.

A little shyly at first, but gaining confidence the more he spoke, he let out a little ramble about how he discovered the place. “Hi there, I was wondering around the area looking for somewhere to grab a bite and then I saw this little place hiding away and couldn’t help but be enticed by the idea of coffee. Then I saw the cats and just needed to come inside, so I was wondering if I get an iced americano and pet some of the cuties about.”

You couldn’t help but let out a little giggle at the end that shocked yourself as you were typically a bit more stoic in nature, but something about this boy let your guard lower even in your first moments. “Sure, you can take a seat anywhere, treats are in the jar on the counter to the left and I’ll get started on your drink. Could I get a name, Sunshine boy?”

“Uh, Wen Junhui, just Jun works actually.”

“Thanks, I’ll bring it over when it’s ready.”

He blushed for a moment before retreating towards the other counter and you turned around to get started. The moments you took to make the drink seemed to stretch out and feel like eternity, when all you really wanted to do was observe the boy you couldn’t help but feel rivalled the sun. You were in for an even bigger shock though as upon walking over you couldn’t help but come to a halt as you took in the scene in front of you. It seemed his charms even worked on the feline species, as Bandit, the notoriously hard to win over older cat had been comfortably positioned himself lounging across Jun’s lap.

“I see you’ve made a friend there, huh Bandit, your normally rather specific with your choices. He hasn’t taken to anyone other than me before, you must be special then Mister Wen.”

“Oh, uh you can call me Jun, but he just needed a little scratch and love before he climbed right on top of me.”

“Well, I trust he has good tastes, here’s your coffee, I’ll be over there if you need anything…”

“Wait! Uh, would you be free to keep me company, no issue if you can’t, I just thought that since we’re the only ones in here...”

“Jun, it’s okay, I’d love to, give me one sec, to put some of this stuff down and then I’ll come sit down.”

You both spent the next two hours appreciating the company and conversation that felt natural to the both of you, before he eventually left with promises to return when possible.

And return he did.

Every week Jun would stumble into your little abode and spend time with both you and Bandit, becoming closer as you got to know each other. It wasn’t any surprise for you, when you inevitably started to fall for the boy you called sunshine and spent most afternoons either texting or hanging out with. He was just impossible not to like, which is why you were sure nothing would ever come from it, as a guy like Jun surely must already have someone who could give him the stars. You were content with admiring from afar as long as he continued to shine.

Eventually your lives started to overlap and intertwine even more, when you started to meet each other’s friends and spend weekends curled up watching shows at one of your apartments. Saturday nights becoming movie nights for the two of you, with occasional interruptions from the new combined friend group. Your close friends Seungkwan and Seokmin had really hit it off with his dance partner and roommate Soonyoung, when they first met one day at the café. As a result, they often burst through your door to spend time hanging out as a group followed by Jun and his other two roommates: a photographer and art enthusiast by the name of Xu Minghao and a university student by the name Lee Chan, with a strange nickname of Dino. Your week becoming much more enjoyable with the additions of them all into your life and you can’t help the smiles that now seem to come out whenever they’re around.

As it turns out though, you weren’t the only person who had a hobby of observing, as Minghao soon caught onto your little crush and liked to lovingly tease you about it in private. Your friendship allowing room for playful teasing and banter between the two of you, with a greater bond developing after you discovered your shared love of artwork. Although, he also became your biggest supporter in your little crush, which you did struggle to understand at first. You couldn’t comprehend how he thought you were worthy of bringing sunshine boy happiness and love. You were sure he deserved someone better than yourself, but Hao wouldn’t hear it and even pushed forward with encouraging you to confess. After then he would go out of his way to distract the others while you all hung out allowing the both of you some time to yourselves.

The result of which led to a moment on a warm, summer Saturday night, where the two of you found yourself sat watching the sunset on the local riverbank. The orange and pink hues highlighting the scene and making it feel like something out of a movie. Your bodies naturally coming to become close to one another until you were basically leaning on Jun while your eyes never left the sinking sun.

However, he couldn’t help but stare at your face as it lit up with the different hues that painted patterns across your features, his focus flickering to your lips more often than could be considered friendly. In the end, he couldn’t help himself. Maybe it was the sinking sun or the ways your eyes seemed to sparkle as you turned to face him that gave him the confidence.

Whatever it was though, he can’t help but thank the universe as your lips finally connect and the world jumps back into motion. His entrance into your life stopping your universe and allowing you time to run towards hope and happiness, before your kiss restarted the universe as your chase comes to an end. Your sunshine boy had brought it straight to your door.

And as the light disappears beneath the earth and the night encompasses the sky, you realise maybe you could give him the stars, just like how he gave you the sun.

──────────────────── ⋆⋅☼⋅⋆ ───────────────────

[over-particular]

a very personal evening checklist

ʀᴇᴍɪɴᴅᴇʀ → It takes an average of 66 days to create or change a habit. Don’t give up now!

☐ Take off your shoes when you get home. According to several studies, the sole of a shoe can carry hundreds of thousands of bacteria. In a biblical passage, God is said to have spoken to Moses in these words: “Take off your sandals, for the place where you are standing is holy ground.” Isn't that what the safety and comfort of a home means to us? A sanctuary for the soul? Taking off one's shoes is just the smallest sign of reverence. For this very reason, I try to keep my environment as clean as possible.

☐ Fulfill your commitments. Study, finish your work or respond to the last emails of the day. I don't get changed until I'm done. This is an important part as it allows me to ease my mind about the duties I know I am handling. It's hard for me to relax knowing I have a something to do.

☐ Disconnect, break away from screens as early as possible. Try to get away from the constant attention and energy demanded by our electronic gadgets. Blue light causes your brain to believe that it's still daytime, resulting in a reduction of the production of melatonin. In other words, your brain starts working to keep you awake. For those of you who are curious, I don't watch television, as I don't have one.

☐ If possible, be physically active. Walk for 20 minutes, do some yoga, use the exercise bike or go to the gym. Remember that cleaning is a double-duty activity. It's a great way to get you to move. Try to establish a physical routine: depending on your needs, try to stick to a program of one, two, three… or six sessions a week. If you really don't have time, focus on walking to get to and/or come back from work.

☐ Wash yourself. Again, everyone has a different approach to it, depending on their resources and organization. Science recommends taking a shower in the evening, because during the day we accumulate many bacteria, viruses and parasites that affect the regeneration of our skin. During the night, our skin has plenty of time to regenerate. (It is important to remember that taking two showers a day is not recommended: first, because it destabilizes your skin, which has not fully regenerated, second, because it is aggressive for sensitive skins and third, because it is not very nice to Mother Nature.)

☐ Get comfortable. Except for events or evenings when I'm not home alone, I prepare my dinner and enjoy it in my sleepwear.

☐ Prepare a light dinner. Avoid all forms of stimulants such as caffeine, sugar, energy drinks. Try to have an early dinner. I know this is cultural (coming from a family where dinner is served around 8 or 9pm), but a light, early dinner will help you sleep better, have better digestion, boost your metabolism and reduce your blood pressure.

☐ I also use this time to enjoy the presence of my loved ones or to think about calling them, or sending them a message… because they represent a real emotional support for me. Studies have shown that spending time with friends and family contributes greatly to happiness. Among other things, it reduces anxiety, increases productivity and improves mental health.

☐ If you have time, take care of yourself. Follow your skincare routine, even if it's as simple as applying a moisturizer and using deodorant, as it is for me. Remember to brush your teeth. Use slippers at home. Slippers are great for protecting your feet from the cold and keeping your blood flow from slowing down.

☐ Like with my morning routine, I exercise my mind, my faith and/or my creativity for a few minutes. I think it is as important to lighten your mind as it is to exercise it. Here again, I pray for a few minutes. I also write a few notes about my day in my journal. I have developed a sort of obsession with diaries from past centuries and the desire to record intimate details of our lives… and it is true that I harbor the hope that someday I will look back at my writings, much later in life, and find a sort of comforting nostalgy in them. Reading is also one of my favorite hobby. I often fall asleep while reading.

☐ Plan the next day as best you can. I know that some people find it very helpful to prepare their lunch, outfit and/or bag for the next day. This is the time to do what feels right for you. As for me, I just set my alarm clock (If possible, get an alarm clock that is not your phone.)

☐ Determine a time to go to bed and stick to it. If it takes a while to fall asleep (this obviously does not apply to people with sleep disorders...), I invite you to hang out in bed with a book or some relaxing music. I guess I'm pretty harsh, because when this happens, I prefer to condemn myself to boredom, in the dark and in silence. I think it works for me.

I'm so glad that my morning routine inspired many people. I just wanted to come back to something that I feel is very important: Life is made up of countless unexpected events. The world is not all black and white, but is composed of a multitude of shades. This means that none of your days will ever resemble the other. Be flexible and forgive yourself: lists are only there to help us organize this immense chaos that is life. Sometimes, self-care also means allowing the unplanned: a rest, or a change of plans. Again, this list is intended to be personal. Feel free to rewrite it!

[pokemonshelterstories]

Any advice on caring for a (probably traumatized) Natu? I don’t want to go into it, but a very close friend of mine recently died in a very violent way, and I took in his Natu afterwards because she refused to leave her pokeball for anyone but me. I already have a Murkrow and Chatot she gets along with, and they definitely know somethings up with her. She barely eats and has started plucking feathers. I talked to a vet who said to just give her time, but I’m really worried about her. She was one of my friends favorite things in the whole world, and I can’t imagine loosing her too.

im sorry to hear about the loss of your friend. it can be tough for a pokemon that's lost its owner to adjust. we often see these pokemon displaying lethargic or "depressed" behavior, because it's a big change for them. your vet is right that it takes time, but you can do some things to support her in the meantime!

the first is to provide a calm, stable environment- which it sounds like you're doing! having some fellow bird friends will definitely help, as natu feel safest with companions. if you know of any familiar routines she had with your friend, that will help her feel more comfortable.

the next thing to do is make sure she has plenty of enrichment to keep her from doing behaviors like feather plucking. those behaviors are a manifestation of stress, and having a variety of toys, perches, and foraging opportunities will help mitigate that stress. i'd also recommend taking her outside for at least 20 minutes every day. natu really need a chance to get some natural sunlight, and it does wonders for their health to be allowed to hop around in the grass on a sunny day. unfortunately, feather plucking can be a really hard behavior to correct once it's started even if you're doing everything right, so if it doesn't improve soon, you'll need to talk to your vet about managing it.

i hope your girl feels better soon!

[naminethewriter]

On the Road, Just the Two of Us

Chapter Five: Living the Ranch Life, Just the Two of Us (again, not really, but shush)

Masterpost | First | Previous | Next | Ao3

Summary: This was written for @dukeceit-week-2024, @dukeceitweek

Janus and Remus are living in a campervan at the moment. Are they going somewhere? Who knows. The only thing that’s important is that they’re together.

Content Warnings: probably not accurate to actually living on a ranch, I'm sorry..., Original Background Characters

🌻🌻🌻🌻

“Janny! Janny! Look!” Remus yelled as he ran over to Janus who just left the chicken coop with a basket full of eggs.

“What is it, dear?”

“I look like a genuine cowboy! John lent me his vest!”

“That’s great, honey! Your boots really make the outfit.”

“They do, don’t they!” He lifted his legs to inspect the brown, knee-high boots with fringe at the side that were very cliché but one of Remus’ favorite possessions. “Anyway, John’s gonna teach me to lasso, you wanna come?”

“I promised Jane I’d help in the kitchen. But you have fun.”

“Thanks, I will!” With that Remus ran off in the direction of the cow stables. Janus chuckled as he looked after him before making his way to the main house. He went to the kitchen and placed the basket on the counter.

“Thank you, Janus. You’re a big help,” Jane smiled, as she wiped her hands on her apron and moved over to inspect his haul.

“It’s not why we’re here,” Janus quipped. “We came for a five-star hotel experience and not because Remus always wanted to see what living on a ranch was like.”

Out of the window, the two of them could see Jane’s husband John showing Remus how to tie a big length of rope into a proper noose for lassoing. Jane chuckled at the sight.

“He seems like an excitable fellow. It’s too bad you two are only staying a week. Honestly, I wouldn’t mind having you for longer.”

“You’re the first person to ever say that, I think,” Janus joked, though there was some truth to that. Usually, both he and Remus had a hard time fitting in with their surroundings. The last four days they spent on the ranch, helping out where they can and learning a lot of new skills had been physically intense but mentally relaxing in a way Janus wasn’t used to from his usual routine.

“Oh, I doubt that!” Jane huffed. “You are both so nice, how could anyone not want you around?”

“Let’s just say, if we’d been born into this kind of environment, a lot of things might have been different.”

“Well, that’s obvious. Everyone would be different if you changed just one aspect of their past. I always thought that dwelling on the what-ifs was a waste of time. Live your life how you see fit and don’t look back too much. You’ll miss what’s in front of you! Now take these potatoes here. They need peeling and cutting.”

“Yes ma’am.”

Janus quietly started on his work while Jane bustled around him, humming lightly to the radio that was playing on low volume in the corner. In between the peeling and cutting, he looked outside. Remus seemed to have the time of his life, waving the length of rope over his head and running around without abandon.

“I don’t think I’ve seen him that happy in a long time,” Janus commented, more to himself than to Jane, though she did stop her own vegetable cutting.

“That so? He seemed to me like that from the start.”

“Yeah, this trip’s been good for him.”

“I mean it, Janus, if you wanna stay longer, you can! We have no other bookings for a week or two.”

Janus looked over at her and she was smiling at him with a warm expression he’s never seen on his own mother’s face.

“I appreciate the offer, Jane, but sadly we do have somewhere to be.”

“Is that so? A shame. Where you off to, if I may ask?”

“A wedding. Remus’ brother will be quite mad with us if we miss it.”

“Oh, I’d imagine! I’d be cross with you as well!” Jane laughed. “Well, then let’s make the most of our time together and cook to our hearts content, huh?” She gently nudged Janus’ side with her elbow and he smiled. Looking out the window, he saw Remus sitting on the ground, somehow tangled up in his own rope with John trying to free him. Both seemed to be laughing though, so Janus wasn’t worried.

“Yeah, let’s do that.”

Another month. There was no need to worry for another month. They just had to keep an eye on their destination. That’s all.

[aphrostarot]

Why Are You Toxic? Pick a Pile:

What makes you toxic and how can you heal?

As this is a general collective reading, some things may not resonate with you or your situation. DO NOT try forcing it to fit. If you would like to book a personalized reading with me go to my profile and follow the instructions on my pinned post.

If you enjoyed this reading and wanted to support me further you can do so by tipping me in the link in my bio or by booking a personal reading with me.

Pile One:

What is your energy?

Queen of Coins:

There is strong earth energy with this pile so, you could be an earth sign (Taurus, Virgo, or Capricorn) or for some of you, you may be an earth dominant. This pile made me feel very calm and grounded, so, those of you who chose this pile, may be calm and grounded in your life right now or are trying to get there. This may be something that comes fairly easily for some of you and for others it may not; however, having this card come out here does tell me that you are putting a lot of work into getting to a point in your life where you feel more stable.

What toxic quality do you have that you have not worked towards healing?

Five of Coins and Nine of Cups:

It seems to me that many of you who chose this pile are stuck in a position where you do not have the finances to get to where you would like to be in life. You are really struggling to make ends meet, and you have big dreams of what you want your life to look like, but you are not making any moves to get there. Either you do not think there is anything you can do to make your dreams come true, or, you simply do not think you need to make any moves and that it will all work out for you in the end. Having this come out here is telling you that this is not a mindset you should be living in, and that it is actually holding you back. This is your toxic quality that you need to work on healing if you want to see positive improvement in your life.

How will working on this heal you and your relationships?

Ten of Cups Reversed:

Your relationships have been negatively impacted by the current state you find yourself in. There is a distance in most of your relationships that wasn’t there before. You may even be feeling really isolated in your life, this could be self-imposed isolation for some of you, but for others it may be that the people in your life have started to pull away from you. Your guides are saying here that the way for you to heal your relationships is to start working on healing this part of yourself.

How can you encourage yourself to work through this?

The Emperor:

You need to have some strong self-discipline in order to work through this. Your heart has been the leading decision maker in your life for quite some time now, and it is time for a change. It is time for you to listen to your head instead of your heart, so you can see the best results. It may be a good idea to clean your surroundings. Be it, your room, house, work place, etc. whatever it is that is messy in your physical state. It is hard to work through things in your mind when your environment is messy. Make sure you keep at this and hold yourself accountable, it may be easy for you to fall back into the routine you have been living in for so long, but it is time for a new routine, a much healthier routine and continuing to work at it will make it easier to stick to it much more quickly.

How can you show yourself empathy through this process?

The Empress:

Be patient with yourself during this time, and make sure you are making time for some self-care. Don’t rush the process, it may take some time for you to see progress, but don't let that discourage you. Make some time in your days to go outside and spend time in nature. While you are outside, take note of all the beautiful things that surround you, this will help you to be grateful for the things you have in your life at the moment. It is easy to get stuck in a negative mindset and think there is nothing good in your life. But, that is not true, there is so much of this world to be grateful for and noticing these things will help you get out of this darkness you find yourself stuck in.

How can you learn to communicate this issue with others while you work through it?

Four of Swords:

You need to allow yourself time to rest and relax, so you can heal, and the people in your life may not understand that this is something you need to do. Either they have no idea what you are going through or they don’t know the extent of it. If they continue to not understand what it is you are going through, nothing will change in your relationships. So, a good way for you to bring this up to them is by explaining that you needed to take a step back from your relationships to heal your mind, or that you need to do this. If they do not understand this, then they are not someone you want in your life. The people who are meant to be in your life will still be there when you feel ready to come back to them. Give yourself time to heal and relax and if you feel up to it maybe spend time with them in a calming environment. Don’t over exert yourself to make others feel comfortable, now is the time for you to protect yourself and your energy, not other peoples.

Bottom of the deck energy:

Death:

The bottom of the deck energy in a Tarot reading tells you about the overall energy of the reading, and having the Death card here tells you that you are going through a death cycle right now. This is a good thing, you are going through a transformation in your life for the better. You are shedding what is not serving you anymore and blooming into a much better version of yourself.

Advice From Spirit Extended Reading

Pile Two:

What is your energy?

Two of Cups:

There is strong Libra energy with this pile, so, some of you could be a Libra or have prominent Libra placements in your birth chart. The energy you have right now, is someone who is a very agreeable person, someone who doesn’t want to rock the boat so, you go along with everything everyone around you says. You are a people pleaser at heart and hate when people are upset with you. You want healthy relationships in your life, and this comes with you being willing to do anything to please your loved ones. Some of you could be Cancer risings.

What toxic quality do you have that you have not worked towards healing?

King of Wands Reversed and Ace of Wands:

You are a creative person who loves to start new projects and hobbies, however it seems that you can be quite domineering when it comes to getting what you want out of these hobbies. You are not the best team player when you are working on something. In friendships and in relationships you are a good team player, but, as soon as you start to work on something you are passionate about with other people, you are really pushy and can be quite toxic. You are very demanding because you may be a perfectionist, and it is hard for you to let mistakes slide. So, when someone makes a mistake, you criticize them quite harshly. This quality makes people not want to work with you, which can leave you quite confused because you like to work with others, you just don’t know how to do it harmoniously.

How will working on this heal you and your relationships?

The Moon:

The Moon represents uncertainty and illusion. A time when nothing may be how it seems, and having this card come out here confirms to me, that you truly do not know how the people in your life see you. You are unaware of this toxic quality you have and are left confused when people try to get out of working with you. This is not fully your fault because the people in your life are not communicating their feelings to you, however, it is partially your fault because you are not being nice to these people. You make these people feel like crap for no good reason when they are working with you on a project, and that is not good. So, how will working on this toxic quality heal you and your relationships? It will open your eyes to how you have been treating the people in your life, and once you are aware of this you can begin to correct these behaviors as they come up.

How can you encourage yourself to work through this?

Four of Pentacles:

One of the many interpretations of the Four of Pentacles is boundaries. What this means for you and how you can encourage yourself to work through this, is by reminding yourself that boundaries are a good thing to have in every relationship you have, including the one with yourself. Because you are a people please it may be hard for you to understand that boundaries are good to have, you may view setting them as being rude and selfish, but that is untrue. I label placing boundaries as an act of healthy selfishness, and everybody should practice healthy selfishness in their lives. Once you begin to place healthy boundaries in your life and also begin to recognize other people's boundaries, you will begin to heal.

How can you show yourself empathy through this process?

Five of Swords:

You are very hard on yourself because of your perfectionistic tendencies. Your whole life, you have been striving to reach perfection but, the truth is that perfection does not exist. It is simply a societal construct to make everyone strive to be the same, and why should you try to be like everyone else when you are amazing just as you are? It is hard to get out of these self abusive cycles and patterns, but it is something you need to do in order to heal. Making mistakes is okay as long as you learn from them, and beating yourself up for making them is not helping you learn. Stop living in your past mistakes and heartache and start living in the here and now. Once you begin to do that, you will soon realize that you actually like who you are, and then you will see what is important to you and your healing journey.

How can you learn to communicate this issue with others while you work through it?

Death and The Empress Reversed:

There has been a lack of growth and progress in your life for quite some time now and this has been holding you back in both your healing journey but also your relationships. The next step after realizing this yourself is to start to explain to others what it is you’ve been going through and will continue to go through. This realization will catapult you into a death cycle that allows you to shed the old and toxic energy and start to bloom into a new and healed version of yourself. This is what you need to explain to the people in your life. Explain that you are going through a healing process of trying to recognize your negative qualities, so you can begin to change these behaviors.

Bottom of the deck energy:

King of Swords:

The bottom of the deck energy tells you the energy surrounding the whole reading, and having the King of Swords at the bottom of the deck tells you to maintain a level and clear head throughout this whole process. Make sure you are reading every situation through clear eyes and using your intellect to make the right decisions through this process. Stay vigilant and hold yourself accountable.

Advice From Spirit Extended Reading

Pile Three:

What is your energy?

Nine of Swords:

It seems that you have been struggling with your anxieties recently. I say this because this pile made me very anxious as soon as I started to work with it. Your energy is clouded with fears and insecurities, and it seems that this is how you have been for quite some time now.

What toxic quality do you have that you have not worked towards healing?

Ace of Swords:

You value honesty above anything else, and this can tend to lead you to be too brutally honest and blunt. You don’t consider other people’s feelings enough before you speak most of the time. Likewise, you may believe that the truth needs to be heard no matter what, which leaves you looking like the bad guy most of the time. The truth is, sometimes the truth does not need to be said, sometimes it’s better to bite your tongue to spare other people’s feelings. It seems that it is very hard for you to understand not only your own emotions, but others as well, and this has gotten you into trouble far too often. You are viewed as a heartless person, whether this is true or not. There is strong air sign (Libra, Gemini, Aquarius) energy with this pile, particularly Aquarius. You may have significant Aquarius placements, particularly an Aquarius moon.

How will working on this heal you and your relationships?

Two of Wands Reversed:

This card coming out reversed is not so much telling you how your relationships will heal, but more so telling you how not working on this will affect your relationships. If you continue to go the way you are going, the people in your life will leave you. They are getting sick or will be getting sick of you constantly hurting their feelings without seemingly any care in the world. Your guides are telling you here that if you don’t make the necessary changes to heal and grow, you will be left with nobody.

How can you encourage yourself to work through this?

Ten of Swords and Six of Pentacles:

The Ten of Swords is the card of major disasters but, the Six of Pentacles is the card of great generosity. So, what this tells me is that you may think that changing yourself and healing means you are losing important parts of yourself. However, this couldn’t be any further from the truth. You are growing into a newly healed version of yourself during this process. This is not a bad thing, be gentle with yourself during this process. Be generous with your time and energy with yourself as well. Allow yourself to feel whatever it is that comes up, don’t shove it down. Feeling this loss will help you let it go and heal.

How can you show yourself empathy through this process?

Eight of Swords:

You are stuck in your own head at the moment, especially when it comes to healing this part of yourself. It may be that some of you feel like there is nothing wrong with you being so blunt and not caring about if you hurt others in the process, which is why you are imprisoned in your mind. For others, it may be that you do not know how to change this and that you feel that you deserve all the negative things that come your way from not changing this aspect of yourself. Whatever it is, you need to be gentle with yourself during this time. You have the strength to get through this, it is just time for you to start believing that. Change your perspective on this, and that is how you will show yourself empathy during this process.

How can you learn to communicate this issue with others while you work through it?

Two of Swords and Five of Cups:

You have been denying that there is anything toxic about you for quite some time now, and this has caused a stalemate in your life. Nothing good has been coming in, it seems that only negative energy has been coming into your life because of this. How you can communicate that you are aware of this toxic part of yourself and are beginning to heal it with the people in your life is by doing exactly that. Say to the people in your life that you are finally aware of how your behavior has been impacting not only these people but also yourself and you are now willing to heal, so you can get into a better state in your life.

Bottom of the deck energy:

King of Swords:

You in your highest energy are the King of Swords. What this means is, at your core, you are a person who values honesty and integrity which you do know; however, you are not emotionally mature enough to be able to do this in a healthy way. Once you begin to heal this part of yourself, your emotional maturity will grow, and you will become a much more balanced version of yourself. You will be someone who values honesty but knows when to be brutally honest and when to bite their tongue. You will start to put others before yourself in a healthy way, and this is who you are destined to be.

Advice From Spirit Extended Reading

[robininthelabyrinth]

So, I've been staring at the wall for a while, then I had a bit of thoughts:

1- Did LQR, at any point (maybe even currently) dislike talking to people/socializing? This idea really stuck with me right now because I've been silently reviewing his childhood in mind (unconsciously, so now I think I need help) and I realized that he didn't really interact much with people as a kid. The most he did was with his teachers (which is, obviously, not much), or kids his age who I don't think really liked him much. In that case, socializing came to him as a change. I bet he really struggled with it. What age was he when he was forced out of his comfort zone and into the world of socializing? Was it just a while before his brother's seclusion, after he started doing his work; or was it even before? Or maybe when he took over the position?

2- Crazy how LQR had VITAL factors to be a troublemaker as child, namely the fact that he most likely (tell me if I'm wrong?) was running around the sect the way LWJ and LXC has been doing lately and the lack of attention which children typically seek so much. TERRIBLE lack of attention – the kind which leads kids to misbehaving just so they could get some. Yet went in the complete different direction. (And, love him as he is, I still can't help but feel that the Lans deserve to deal with a little hellion just so they can realize how trash their raising of a child is.)

3- I have this blurry memory of remembering something about baby LQR hiding somewhere near the ladies doing the laundry in the cloud recesses, and I thought: could this have something to do with his socializing? Was he curious about it and wanted to listen to the ladies as they conversed? Or did he just appreciate being close to people without being addressed/entering their field of attention?

4- Then I thought back to LQR's tendency to overwork, and wait – does it also have something to do with his childhood? Exerting himself and doing too much as a kid to earn a word of praise from his father? Til the point that it became a routine?

5- There's how LQR keeps on pointing out how similar he and LWJ are, it's hard to not forget that little LWJ and little LQR don't really have similar personalities. I feel like the reason why they seem (and are) so alike is the fact that they both are on the spectrum, and it's how the more unusual things that LQR does LWJ also does, so everyone would draw the connection pretty quickly. But – little LWJ is so confident, not very verbal most likely because he doesn't see the point, and has terribly solid foundations. Little LQR, on the other hand... I might even say insecure for obvious reasons, very shy and conservative and that's why he probably wasn't very talkative, and DEFINITELY had no one to give him that foundation.

6- LQR not liking to be the centre of attention might have also stemmed partly from the fact that it's a CHANGE. Nobody paid him any heed as a kid, so why should they now? Especially since when they DID pay some attention, they probably only judged his tendencies and demanded he cuts them off (moving a certain way, for example)?

7- AND Last but not least, moment of realization that LQR would most probably start considering Nightless city as his home after a while BECAUSE he did so DECADES ago as a child in an unhealthy environment mostly by his own!!

(Also, forgot to add this in the last comment. But LQR hurrying after WRH without even properly saluting the Wen wives is just so hilarious. Like, the man was so embarrassed he even forgot his manners.)

I love character analysis like this XDDD do send me any future staring at the wall thoughts! This is also what I randomly ponder :D

answers and more random LQR headcanons below the cut to save people's dashes:

1 – I certainly headcanon that LQR definitely does not like socializing. When you’re the Weird Kid (in LQR’s case, due to a mix of status, family isolation, and being non-neurotypical) and you don’t understand people very well, it’s really hard to connect with people, and socializing is a completely mystery. Why are they talking about what they talk about? Why do they not like what you’re talking about? Why are there unwritten rules for conversations you constantly seem to be messing up but no one will explain to you how or how to avoid doing it in the future? On the other hand, he was lonely and *wanted* to connect with others, but he felt like he was bad at it, so he was really self-conscious and reserved and had an unsteady temper that he couldn’t fully control. And despite all of that, because of the family he was born into, he was forced to be a politician – a job that requires and in part hinges on socializing. Not ideal!

Personally, my read on it is that he started getting pushed into doing more in his teens, when his teachers essentially gave up on him ever developing social skills naturally and started going “this guy is going to represent our sect whether he likes it or not, we need to start putting him into leadership positions”. Some of which were actually really good for LQR – for instance, I see him becoming an assistant teacher around age 15-16, responsible for modeling good behavior to his peers, mentoring those in need of help, and teaching junior class (a bit like I imagine LWJ to have been doing for LQR). He is actually a good leader, even though he’s not much for socializing, and having a formal position gave him comfort and confidence, so that helped a lot. From there, he started also doing more support work for sect leadership (again, a bit like what LXC would have been doing with LQR: talking about what the sect is doing with elders, hearing reports about visits to other sects, making suggestions and listening to guidance, making decisions in their absence, etc.), though in LQR’s case, the slow creep of increasing duties suddenly started to ramp up more rapidly than would have been normal because of the combination of his father stepping away from sect leadership and then, a little later, his brother getting distracted by HKX. He’s supposed to be the back-up sect leader, and for one reason or another he’s suddenly doing a lot more of that, getting overworked and stressed – and then suddenly he’s acting sect leader for real, and the workload goes even more insane.

It's a lot better than what NMJ had to go through, since LQR was an adult and had some experience doing sect leader things already (and, you know, was not at war with another sect or dealing with internal succession rivalries), but it was still came as a terrible shock.

2 – LQR absolutely had the lack of supervision necessary to be a troublemaker, and unfortunately for him, was probably sometimes seen as *being* a troublemaker in the way non-neurotypical kids often are. He was even more socially tone-deaf as a child: he’d start talking about one of his interests and not stop, he’d follow people around, he wouldn’t understand hints, he’d sometimes get overwhelmed and have meltdowns (often misread as temper tantrums)…luckily his main hyperfixation was with the Lan sect rules, which made his behavior more acceptable than it might have been otherwise, but it also gave him a reputation for being fussy. Like a little kid that yells “keep both hands on the wheel while driving” every single time you so much as scratch your nose – cute, but also annoying.

3 – LQR is totally one of those cats that likes to chill in the vicinity of people. No, don’t pet him or talk to him or pick him up, he just wants to sit and be *near* you.

4 – Hard work was probably one of the only ways LQR could get attention, so yeah, he definitely has some drive to work himself too hard that comes from childhood.

5 – yes, this!!! LWJ and LQR have similar mannerisms (including autistic traits), but their personalities are in fact completely different! LWJ is Precious Baby™, doted upon and allowed to get away with just about anything (right up until he commits actual literal crimes, and even then my headcanon is that his punishment was meant to keep him safe from *worse*). He had a lot more freedom to explore who he is and how he wants to behave, rather than LQR who is always trying to meet a particular standard, not always successfully, and who has a much more unsteady temper as a result.

6 – I do think that LQR had more of a steady shift to being more in the center of attention over time, but he’s used to prioritizing the sect over himself so it’s still weird for people to pay attention to him for *his* sake, rather than because of sect reasons.

7 – :D

[yellowhollyhock]

vent post got long

there have been different experiences throughout my life that can make it hard to talk

difficulty with volume control. especially as a little kid (3-5); yelling when I meant to talk, talking when I meant to whisper, whispering when I meant to keep the thought in my head. I'm sure my memory is skewed but it felt like I was always in trouble for it, from peers as much if not more than adults

fast forward a few years, and for the biggest chunk of my childhood, it's thinking I'm projecting when I'm really not. No one can hear me. People are constantly frustrated with me for not speaking up. It's easier to just not speak.

theatre classes helped a lot. I started to love public speaking. Even started to not hate socializing quite as much.

then had to go to college. all the skills I'd built up for years seemed to disappear for no reason. looking back such a big change in all my environments and routines would of course cause skill regression. but I didn't understand anything about myself at the time, I thought I was just stupid. And everyone still expected me to be smart. When I tried to ask for help they'd remind me how smart I was.

and then recently, somewhere in the middle of all that--a string of roommates/co-workers/felt like everyone around me with no escape, had this attitude of perfectionism.

Sending a text? there are a thousand ways to make the person on the receiving end immediately assume you hate them because you didn't follow their made-up rules about emojis and punctuation (I would try to explain that not everyone is like that, and if someone misunderstands you can always clarify, but being surrounded by people who were in fact looking for reasons to assume your text had ill intent made it harder and harder to believe)

Making cookies for a friend? Well don't bring them over on a paper plate ugh if someone did that to me I would feel so insulted. We need to actually put effort in so they know we actually care.

Literally walking back to the apartment looking at the moon together, completely relaxed until suddenly I'm in trouble for apparently not being emotional enough about it? sounding bored or something? got teased about it for weeks, at least it seems that way when I try to remember.

Those are real literal examples. It was like that all the time I thought I was losing my mind. Reinforced a deep mistrust of my peers that I thought I had grown past (that I worked really hard for years to grow past in spite of being treated badly because I believed things would get better and that at least part of the problem was my attitude). I think some part of me expected that it'd get better because my peers had become adults. Stupid assumption

Had one roommate early on who wasn't like that. Fell in love with her--didn't know I liked girls before that--transferred schools (was going to anyway), lost touch

Writing is a coping skill I've relied on since I could write. Volume isn't a factor. How long it takes me to put together my ideas isn't a factor (in texting it sometimes is, but expectations are also lower for how coherent my ideas are--unless someone raises them again). Figuring out when it's my turn to talk is much less of a factor.

For the past like 3ish years I don't think I've ever had less than 50 unread texts. College and other experiences surrounding it absolutely destroyed the things I used to love about myself. I'm building back up. But it's hard. It's hard that everyone else perceives dropping out as the big problem when it's actually the first decision that felt like mine in a long time and the only reason I was able to start writing again. And start speaking again. I have shorter non-verbal periods and usually am able to string together adult-sounding sentences (I hate describing it that way but I don't know how else to explain. In college I would have a really hard time getting words out but didn't feel like not talking was an option, so I'd skip pronouns and prepositions, my pronunciation was slurred and my volume control was out of whack. This also only happened sometimes, and was really humiliating to get stuck in in front of people who were used to hearing me talk 'normal') (giving myself permission to use what my mom use to call 'baby talk' has been one of the hardest things and also one of the most helpful)

Anyway when I take forever to respond to messages I'm not ignoring and I'm not mad. it's probably because I've forgotten how to make feelings into words. It helps a ton that on here I'm talking about things I choose with people who are nice to me, but it still happens where I just get stuck thinking that anything I say will be taken as an insult and scared that I'm gonna sound stupid

[zoeykallus]

tbb x reader hcs - accidental “i love you” and what results from those three words…

you’re the best, thank you😊

Hmm, might be fun. Let me see....

The Bad Batch x Reader HC's - Accidental "I Love You"

Hunter

You say it

The first time you say it, it's an accident, you are not really a couple yet. You are flirting and hinting, the both of you, but so far you are not an item.

Hunter helps you out solving a problem with your blaster. You are tense and nervous, things have been going sideways for you for a while, and your stupid blaster just is the tip of the iceberg this week.

"Damn it!"

"What's the matter?", he asks calmly, approaching you.

You fumble with your blaster.

"It's not working again, I can't switch between stun and lethal"

You know today Crosshair will test you, he's training you on weapons, and he's a damn strict teacher. You really are not looking forward to his mocking when you fail again.

"Let me see"

Hunter takes the blaster, adjusts a few things and hands it back to you.

"There you go, should be working just fine"

You are so relieved, the words just come out of your mouth without thinking.

"Man, I love you!"

Hunter pauses, you do too.

"I mean... thank you, Hunter"

He smirks with a slight blush.

"Any time"

He says it

It was a hard mission, a hard day. Hunter is exhausted, feels beaten and not up for anything more today. But he knows, when he comes back, he has quite some things left to do before he can rest.

But as he comes back to the Marauder, sweaty, dirty and pretty much out of energy, you approach him.

"Hey, I took care of the problem we had with the refresher, and you got fresh blacks lying on your bunk. You can jump right in the refresher and get changed"

Hunter blinks, looking at you surprised as you hand him a thick sandwich and a water bottle.

"Here, I guess you need that now"

"I love you"

He needs a little to realize what he said, and you look into each other's eyes for a long moment.

Hunter is not taking it back or trying to explain himself, he's just looking at you, anxiously.

You smile shyly and say, "I feel the same about you"

Warmth spreads in his chest, and he smiles right back, before he steals you a kiss.

Echo

You say it

He is so sweet, helping you all day with everything. Echo is so considerate and helpful and caring. You can't help it, it just slips out at some point.

"I love you, Echo"

He turns around, looking at you.

"What was that?", he asks, confused.

Panic is rising in you. Should you try to lie or stand to what you just said? You kind of mean it, but then again it just slipped, feels too blunt.

"I...I..well, I said-"

"Hey Echo, need your help for a sec' ", Wrecker safes you unknowingly.

The moment Echo is distracted, you slip out of the room, down the ramp of the Marauder and run for it.

"In a moment", Echo says and turns back to you, only to see that you are gone.

"Where did they go that fast?"

You avoid talking to him about it and the sweetheart that he is, he won't push you either.

He says it

It's a bad day for Echo, another scan, a routine check-up, but he hates the med bay. The machines, the medical tools, the sterile environment, the narrow scan tube, it flares up bad memories and his severe anxiety.

You are there because Tech asked you too, quietly when Echo wasn't listening he whispered to you, "Do me a favor and be there for Echo's check-up. He's fond of you and I think you can calm him better than I can"

Of course, you help out. Seeing Echo so shaken and almost trembling makes you sad. But you smile and come closer to the stretcher he is lying on.

You softly grab his hand, and he looks at you.

"Tech and I are here. You know none of us would ever harm you"

He nods and shows you a brave little smile, but he's still tense, fear and restlessness bubbling under the surface.

As the stretcher, with Echo on it, started sliding into the scan tube, you had to let go of his hand, but Echo tried to hold on to it for a moment.

"It's okay, I'm still here, Echo. Just listen to my voice and breath Echo. Don't hold your breath, breath in and out"

He's stressed and breathing way too fast, the narrow tube making him panic.

"Echo, slow steady breaths, in and out. You are hyperventilating, just try to imagine you are in a warm bed, when you fall asleep. How is your breathing? Slow and steady, right?"

It takes a moment, but finally his pulse and breathing calm down.

"Very good, Echo. Just keep breathing. Remember that place on Naboo we saw last time we visited? That little restaurant near the river? Let's go there next time we get the chance. Remember how pretty it was? The soft whispering of the river's water, the sunlight reflecting from the water's surface. The flowers around the restaurant's porch. Must be a really nice view from that porch"

"Done", Tech says, and the stretcher slides back out of the tube.

Echo sits up, a little shaky. He grabs your hand as you are about to leave, because technically, your work here is done.

"Don't go!", he urges you hastily.

You turn back to him, coming closer. You softly lean your forehead against his, holding his hand, trying to show him you are there, grounding him.

"Okay, I'll stay with you, Echo"

"I love you"

You don't retreat, you know he needs you right now. With a fast beating heart, warmth spreading in your chest, you say, "I guess you meant to say 'thank you'"

Echo chuckles nervously, "I did. But what I said is still true. I'm sorry, I'm vulnerable right now, it slipped, couldn't hold it back"

Your heart beats even faster as you softly say, "I love you too"

Tech in the background silently retreats, feeling like an intruder to the scene. There was nothing to see on the scan anyway.

Wrecker

You say it

He's so amusing, making you laugh. Wrecker makes you feel so good today, so happy and playful and relaxed. That man just attracts you like a magnet, he's so easy and fun to be around.

"I love you"

Wrecker cocks an eyebrow at you.

"You do?"

"Well uhm..." panic rising in you, you try to wriggle your way out of this "Yeah, like a wonderful friend, you know"

Wrecker nods slowly, you are not sure if he's disappointed or not.

"Yeah sure, I feel the same way, like a really good friend, right?"

You laugh nervously and nod again.

"Exactly"

He clears his throat and says, "Friends can love each other, right?"

"Yes, absolutely"

"I love you too... friend", he says with a nervous little smirk.

He says it

You are having fun, all day Wrecker and you are joking around and in the evening, you decide to cook something for him. He is in awe about your cooking and the fact that you do it for him.

This time the famous three words, slip out of him instead of you.

"I love you!"

You blink and look at him.

"Like a friend, right?"

Wrecker scratches the back of his head, shrugging.

"Well, yeah. But also not"

"Meaning?"

He's fumbling with his fork, looking at his own fingers.

"There is more, it feels like more than friendship. I think. I didn't mean to burst it out like this but... it is true"

You smile at him shyly as he finally looks up again.

"I think I like that", you say softly.

Wrecker smiles back at you.

"You do?"

With a nod, you say, "I think I love you too. Not just like a friend"

"Oh, Mesh'la, you make me really happy", he says with a wide grin.

Tech

You say it

You do have a thing for Tech, you know it, everyone knows it. Tech is the only one who doesn't know it. So far, you didn't dare to tell him yet, or try anything to get really closer to him. But every time he looks at you, your heart skips a beat, and you get all warm and fuzzy.

"Stop!"

You freeze in your movement.

Tech comes to your side and softly takes the tool out of your hands you just picked up.

"You'll hurt yourself holding it like this", he says calmly.

"Oh, I didn't know"

He smiles softly and you melt inside.

"Look, I'll show you"

Inside you're all giddy, he touches you, he guides your hands to the tool, showing you how to hold it while he explains a few things. You just feel his touch, hear his voice, and he is so damn close. You can hear him talk, but your mind is far away from what he is saying, lost in your vivid daydreams about Tech.

As you stare up into his face with wide eyes, his gaze meets yours, and it just slips out of your mouth, "I love you"

"Excuse me?", he asks, confused.

You panic. The words were just in your head, but suddenly on your lips. Hastily, you drop the tool, turn on your heel and run to the ramp.

"What are you doing? You can't go out, we're in space, dear", Tech says dryly.

"Oh, right...kriff"

For a split second, you think about still opening the ramp and let yourself get sucked out into space to avoid facing him right now.

You just stare at the closed ramp, not daring to turn around and look at him. Pity, if you did, you'd see the slight blush on his face and the little soft smile.

He says it

Tech talks a lot in his sleep. His mind never really comes to rest, always active and working. By now, you are used to walking past his bunk and hear him mumble all kinds of things in his sleep. But when you hear him mumble your name, repeatedly, you stop and listen closely.

He's got his arms and legs wrapped around his blanket mumbling, "Love you, come and cuddle"

You look at him, surprised and in awe. Tech looks and sounds so cute.

He's hugging his blanket tight and keeps mumbling, sometimes you can hear your name, but most of it is gibberish. But suddenly, he blinks, slowly opening his eyes and looks at you.

"Why are you staring at me?", he asks, a little panicked.

"You said my name, Tech"

"No I didn't"

"Yes you did, in your sleep"

Tech's eyes are suddenly wide open and his cheeks blush.

"No, I didn't", he repeats.

"Yes, you... never mind. Sweet dreams, spider monkey"

You walk past him, and he looks after you with a racing heart.

Crosshair

You say it

He is on his self-made shooting range. You watch him like you do most times. Crosshair looks so stunning, with his rifle, hitting every target, handling the weapon like a master of his art.

You can't stop admiring him. He's got his back turned to you right now, but he knows you are there, giving you a show. Crosshair likes to show off a little, you know that, and you don't mind, he never fails to impress you.

You are aware you have a crush on him. He's attractive, he's smart, he's cool, and he's one hell of a soldier. But he is also pretty intimidating. That sinister stare, his snark and often aloof behavior makes you nervous.

You sigh softly and say, "God, I love that man"

He's freezing in his movement, then suddenly he slowly turns around.

Your first thought is, Oh shit, he heard me!

Crosshair is looking at you, there is absolutely no way to tell what he thinks right now. For a pretty long moment, he just looks at you, unmoved. When he suddenly cocks an eyebrow at you, you jump up from the rock you were sitting on and flee the scene.

He watches you leave in amusement, muttering to himself, "Hmm, interesting"

He says it

Nope. That's probably not going to happen. Not on accident. He is way too reserved and collected for something like this to happen. No matter how smitten he might be with you. If he says it, he does it fully aware, meaning what he says very seriously.

A not very likely, but at least possible scenario could be in a lovemaking session, when you've completely blown him away (Pun intended). He'll try to mask it somehow, or change the subject and distract you.

Ko-Fi (If you feel like giving me some coffee)

@rintheemolion

@andyoufollowyourheart @clone-whore-99

@brynhildrmimi @kaliel2310

@misogirl828 @tech-deck

@meshla-madalene

@chxpsi

@thebahdbitch

@nahoney22 @ladykatakuri

@darkangel4121

@ttzamara

@arctrooper69

@padawancat97

@agenteliix

@puppetswithteeth

@palliateclaws

@either-madness-or-brilliance

@ortizshinkaroff

@andy-solo1

@hunterssecretrecipe

@heyitsaloy

@greaser-wolf

@starwarsnerd111

[ill-be-istj-if-no-one-else-is]

Hello, Em! I was hoping you could help me out with mailing down my type. For background, I’m in my mid-twenties and am waffling between Fi-dom and Fe-aux. I’m cautiously calling myself and enneagram 9w1, but I’m sure of being an introvert, I’ve always been quiet and need time to regroup after spending too much time out and about. I tend to be fairly practical, taking a job I strongly dislike because bills need to be paid and I’d like to finish grad school with as little debt as possible. (1)

It doesn’t stop me from looking for a job more closely related to my field, and I’ll be honest it wears on me more than I’d like to admit, but it keeps the lights on for now. I’ve always been a very sensitive person, and it doesn’t take much to make me cry, when I’m invested in something, or I must deal with conflict. My dad would list my biggest weakness as being a bit of a pushover and taking on responsibilities that were never mine to begin with.(2)

I’ve always been spotted by bosses as reliable and because of this have been the one to pick up the slack in some positions. Despite this, I struggle to blend well with my environment. I can be polite, I can be quiet, but I can’t lie. Whenever people ask, it’s hard not to come out and say what I really think. If it’s someone who knows me well, I can generally just say what’s on my mind, but at work and with friends who aren’t as close, I have to bite my tongue. (3)

I’d say I’m a creature of habit, for the most part. I moved cross country a couple years ago, so it’s still a bit hard to gauge, but changes in routine (such as suddenly switching workstations or being asked to go get drinks RIGHT NOW) throws me off. For all that, I tend to get a little low when I’m not learning something new. I’ve taken up several new hobbies and interests because of this and have learned the basics of them all quickly. (4)

Most of them have been sensory hobbies, such as baking, knitting, and crochet. They also serve another purpose, as it’s a tangible way I can show my appreciation for those around me. It irritates me a little to have people ask me to make them things, because it’s not so much the tactile sensation that I love, it’s being able to keep those I care about warm and fed. If there’s anything else you need, I can fill this out more, and thank you so much! (5)

---

Hi anon! This definitely sounds ISFJ to me. 9w1 also sounds reasonable:

Difficulty with conflict is definitely a 9 thing and so ISFPs who are 9s experience it, but it's very common with ISFJs. The taking on of responsibilities is both very Fe and Si, and aux-Fe users do have a bit of a reputation for being something of a pushover. The part about struggling to change routine is also extremely true to Si, as is the practicality.

Sensitivity is imo not super tied to any one function - I think feelers tend to be more outwardly emotional in general than thinkers but I've known very emotional FJs and FPs. I also think that difficulty lying is more a personal thing than tied specifically to MBTI.

As for learning new things - hobbies tend to be a place where people can explore their lower functions safely! I suspect taking on sensory hobbies (within your comfort zone) but in doing so, learning something new and developing a new internal and systemic understanding (Ne and Ti) is what appeals to you.

[flock-talk]

Hi! Was hoping you might have some advice for me? Bit of a long one sorry.

Ive had my green cheek for about 5 months now, and hes always super sweet. Hes only about 1 year old but hes picked up basic training and general manners really well, super cuddly velcro-bird.

The other day I got my hair cut for the first time in months, went from just below the shoulders to a fade, and when I came home he was fine? a bit shocked, but got over it after a bit, was acting his normal cuddly self. Then yesterday when I get him out of his cage in the morning he crawls up to my shoulder like normal and starts attacking me? Nothing else changed either.

I would often have my hair tucked behind my ear and he would try and nibble on my earrings, and he was easy enough to redirect onto his actual toys, but since getting my hair cut hes suddenly super violent and aggressive? When I let him out of his cage in the morning or just when I pick him up, he crawls straight up to my shoulder and starts biting my ears/cheek VERY hard. He'll give me a new piercing at this rate. And when I try to remove him he just starts biting my hands instead. Hard enough to draw blood too, which is the first time thats ever happened.

I've been trying to use treats to reward him for sitting calmly, distract him with toys, but nothings working. He'll forgo his favourite toys and treats that he normally goes crazy for in favour of biting me. I've been having to keep him in his cage for way longer than I want because I can't handle the constant attacks from him.

He's my first ever bird and I don't know what to do at this point :(

There's a number of reasons that behaviour can suddenly flip and without doing a super thorough background dig on your specific bird I can't guarantee a 100% correct answer here

based on the information provided it's very likely a defensive stress response. Birds ID each other visually so when you suddenly change your appearance you're no longer recognizable, they may have reacted 'fine' when you initially changed your hair due to increased stress suppressing behaviour. Think of how young birds react when you meet them in a store, many end up very complacent, slow moving, or even affectionate due to the stress of the environment and strangers handling them. Once they get home and relax their true mannerisms start to show up and they can present more aggressive behaviours and selectiveness as the stress that was suppressing these behaviours is no longer present. So they may have been stressed upon seeing the change and over the following days became more adjusted to the change and are now reacting to you as they may a completely unidentified stranger that has barged in and is taking over the home.

Conures also tend to be very sensitive to emotional changes, becoming overstimulated exceptionally easy and often default to nipping for communication. So it's another possibility that the conflict of figuring out who you are, confusion, and random bursts of excitement or stress release with the changes could be triggering events as well.

I would approach this situation as though he's a brand new bird you just brought home. Give him space, utilize target training for necessary handling, and go right back to the basics with building foundations and trust. I would ensure to keep interactions very short and successful, enter the room, drop off some snacks, and promptly leave sort of things. This may help him be able to observe you, recognize you aren't a threat, and form better associations about the change.

You may find it helpful to experiment with hats, some birds will become more aggressive around hats but others recognize it as being an accessory rather than a part of you and it could help bridge that recognition gap for them. Additionally if there are certain phrases you often say to them, certain tones, routines, or body language you presented with them often prior to the haircut I would ensure to lean heavily in to those to further help them connect your mannerisms to your identity.

As your foundations with this bird get stronger they will adjust to these changes easier and you are less likely to have these massive fallbacks. In the meantime it's important to recognize that they aren't behaving this way to spite you, they're behaving this way because they are distressed and don't know how to cope. During this time you have to meet them where they're at, move slow, and help them relearn that you aren't a threat.