#the best i can DO on ANY given day is TRY. because i am DISABLED and UNMEDICATED and TRAUMATISED and nobody;s willing to Listen to me about

[possibly-eli]

im going to fistfight whoever the fuck came up with the "there is no try, you do or you dont" thing because Fuck you 1 million times

[covid-safer-hotties]

To My Unmasked Friend in the Fifth Year of COVID - By: Anna Holmes - Published Aug 17, 2024

I’m going to be honest with you, because I love you, and you deserve nothing but honesty. I’m going to try really hard not to be angry while I do it, but it’s probably going to slip out every now and again. But I need you to hear me out, all right?

By now, we’ve talked about my reality. My personal struggle with long COVID, the isolation I live in, why I am so angry all the time.

But let’s talk about you. You just went to a big convention overseas. You got on a plane, got a little gussied up, talked shop with some insiders, geeked out over awards and merch, ate, drank, were merry, left with your social cup and your heart full.

You’re a good person. We wouldn’t be friends otherwise! You’d never dream of tripping a person with a red and white cane, using the r-word, excluding a disabled person from an event because of something they can’t help.

You might even acknowledge that the COVID response from governments and organizations has been ableist and inadequate.

But you didn’t wear a mask.

For whatever reason — you wanted to show off your makeup, it makes you itchy, you believed the messaging that COVID is endemic (what does that actually mean?), you just don’t think about it anymore — you made a choice that actively excludes people like me from participating not only in an event like a convention, but society at large. And yes, it is a choice. Every time you step out into the world without a mask on your face, you have made a decision that your very good reason, whatever it is, supersedes the right of disabled and at-risk people to exist safely in your orbit.

Well, hold on, you say. It’s not any one individual’s fault, it’s the inadequate public health messaging. Isn’t that what you’ve been saying?

And I have. In the past, I have talked about how it is unconscionable that health authorities have thrown their hands up and rescinded guidance that would have saved hundreds of thousands of lives and prolonged a pandemic that, to hear them tell it, has been bested. It hasn’t. Worst of all, the financial motivation that we all know is driving this premature victory lap isn’t even being fulfilled. Long COVID and other post-COVID complications are costing the global economy one trillion a year. Meanwhile, article after article handwrings about nobody wanting to work anymore, about the sagging college application scene, about declines in military enlistment, and the strain on our healthcare systems.

All of this is very much the fault of our leaders, who have decided the political ramifications of “normalcy” are more important than the health and lives of the 400 million people living with long COVID across the globe, the immunocompromised folks who are increasingly being shut out of every conceivable public space, and the disabled community which has been screaming into the wind about our marginalization since before the virus even hit US soil.

But I want to be very clear. You are helping them do this.

The reality is that we have been living in this deeply flawed landscape of “personal choice”, and you’ve made yours. You’ve opted not to look into how densely clustered cases are. You’ve stopped listening to your friends who have informed themselves. You’ve given yourself permission to put COVID on the back burner. You’ve earned it, right? Four and a half years of trauma?

COVID doesn’t care if you’re tired of being scared or careful or considerate. COVID is not something you can personally overcome by being smart or virtuous or brave. It is a virus which only seeks to infect and replicate, and it is getting very good at those things. While you’ve looked away, my community has been scrambling to avoid variants that skirt immunity and don’t show up on rapid tests until day five-seven. The constant battle has changed since you were last in it. It’s not sufficient anymore to get your shots and test before a big event. You could well be asymptomatic and infectious, or have symptoms and convinced yourself it can’t be COVID because that second line hasn’t popped up.

You have come to the conclusion sometime between 2022 and now that you just have to decide what level of risk you’re comfortable with and live with it. The problem with that is scale. It’s you and everybody else doing that, and a lot of people have decided they are comfortable with a high level of risk. Despite what you’ve been told, you’re not just making that decision for yourself. You are making it for every person you come in contact with.

Think back to the early tense days of 2020. We were told to select a “bubble.” Those people would be our social lifelines, and through those, we could control our exposure.

My bubble is quite small. It includes my husband, my sister, and two friends I see relatively frequently.

My husband goes to work via the bus, and to the grocery store. Every person he comes in contact with there has the potential to infect him, and then he has the potential to pass it along to me. He mitigates this by wearing a well-fitted respirator at all times.

My sister goes to work at a busy public place. She masks when public facing and takes it off in the back office. She goes to restaurants, bars, concerts, hangs out with friends and her own partner unmasked. About 75% of her interactions have the heightened potential to infect her, which she might then bring into my house when she visits me.

My friends do not mask anywhere except my house when asked. They attend concerts, shows, cons, bars.

Obviously, I am in control of whether I wear a mask around these people. And as we approach one million new cases a day, I will be around everyone but my husband. But science is clear: reciprocal masking is more effective at infection control than a single person masking — especially when that single person is trying to protect themselves, not others.

This is settled science. We’ve known this since 2020. It says clearly that the choice you make is not personal- it has implications for everyone you come in contact with.

And being clear — if I could, I’d make everyone wear a mask for their own health. I don’t want people suffering with what I have. But you’ve been told this lie that you can take your risks for yourself, so you feel comfortable going out without a mask. You’ve been told this lie that it’s possible to completely recover from a COVID infection, so you assume that even if you do catch it, that’s what’ll happen to you, despite evidence showing that every body is indelibly changed by an infection, and that risk only grows with each subsequent infection.

And the greatest lie of all — that only the sick or elderly have anything to fear from COVID — has given you unfounded confidence in your own “good” genes or immune system or fitness. You can get long COVID even if you’re in peak form — in fact, may even be more likely to be hit hard.

So you have decided, individually and collectively, that only the sick or elderly should have to take precautions, and you freewheel through life, only to get surprised and dismayed when you bump into COVID in the wild. It’s back, people declare every summer or winter, as though it ever left.

But I want you to really think about the implications of your choice. Besides yourself. Because let’s be honest here, that’s who you’ve been thinking about, right? Your risk. Your comfort. Never mind your bubble, never mind the bubble of everyone you come into contact with, never mind the people like me who are literally hiding from people like you.

You’re not masking at the doctor’s office. You’re not masking at the airport. You’re not masking at the giant superspreader you just attended, and you’re not masking in the bars and restaurants where we know the virus flourishes. And then you’re bringing that exposure back to your family and friends. Back to the grocery store, where you run across people like my husband, shopping for someone who is unsafe to leave the house, or your elderly neighbors, or an immunocompromised employee.

You’re a good person, or you like to think of yourself that way. That’s why when you’re asked to mask, you dismiss it out of hand — because that changed behavior implies that you’ve been doing something wrong.

And my friend, I’m telling this because I love you: you have been. You might have been doing that on faulty information, but be honest with yourself and with me — you’ve heard me begging people to take this seriously. You’ve seen the information I’ve been sharing. You have had the opportunity to seek out the correct information all along, and you have chosen not to.

It isn’t too late to change your view of the risk you’re imposing on the people around you. It’s not too late to push public health to become more effective. It’s not too late to act in solidarity and be the inclusive person you think you are. It’s not too late to take care of yourself.

Ultimately, that’s what I have been screaming myself hoarse about. I don’t want you to end up with what I have. I don’t want you to inadvertently impose that on someone else. And yes, I’ve been angry, because you’ve been advertising your absolute lack of concern with group shots of your naked faces on social media. It doesn’t seem to bother you that I am stuck at home like it’s 2020, except for doctors’ appointments that I literally have to risk my life to go to. You’ve told yourself that it’s not your problem, because only the sick and elderly have to take precautions.

You know better. You can do better. For your community, yourself, and me, do better.

Please. I love you.

Anna

PS. If you’re feeling upset and embarrassed right now, the best thing you can do is take action. Get yourself good masks (the surgicals and cloth ones don’t cut it anymore), donate to mask blocs so others can access good masks, write to your representatives and the President, comment on upcoming CDC guidance, schedule yourself a booster, and talk to your loved ones about doing better, too. The only way we get out of this is with community care. So care.

[dovesndecay]

It's June! It's Pride! It's (my) Birthday!

The Introduction Spiel:

Hi, I'm Reyah! (any pronouns! no really, go for it!) On June 21st, I'm turning 32, an exciting and mysterious age to be!! (So I've heard)

Warning: This is a post asking for financial help, and if there's one thing I would ask is that if you read the whole thing: please reblog.

I'm a multiply-disabled queer person of color, a writer, artist, and photographer. I live with three of my best-good-pal-friends, (@renthony, @kryptidkhaos, and @natalieironside) and our collective army of pets.

We all know it's damned hard to be all these things at the same time under the capitalistic hellscape we're living under, and we/I am always in need of a lot of help with the existing.

I ended the month of May with some smaller bills left still to pay, but am thankful to say that June already had fewer bills than usual due, and the amount I need to start the summer off right is actually less than I was afraid it would be! Woohoo!

What I Make

I mentioned my artistic endeavors, let me show you them!!

Writing

I write less often than I'd like, but I share poetry and shorts, when I have them, on my Patreon!

You must be over 18 to pledge, as I have, can, and will again share Adult Content occasionally. Patrons pledging at least $1/month get access to all content. But most posts becomes free to access eventually. :)

When I do longer form content, I primarily write fantasy with a focus on queer brown characters with disabilities, mental illnesses, and disordered attachments. Because therapy is expensive, and writing is free.

Photography

I do wildlife and landscape photography, primarily, but you can also check out my portrait and event work on my website! You can purchase PRINTS HERE.

And because it's my birthday, I'm offering a 32% discount code for all my prints! The code is good from June 1st to July 1st!

A Note, if you purchase a print: first off: thank you. (please feel free to send a photo of wherever you display it!!!) secondly: this will not go towards the received totals on my financial need because Pixels doesn't pay out until nearly 2 months after the purchase. Funds made from sales will go towards future needs.

CODE: PDHHTR

Artwork

I've been exploring art, both analog and digital, a lot more lately, and have shared both process photos and final drafts on Patreon! Here are just a few examples:

I admittedly don't post on patreon as much as I wish I had the energy to, but I try to make at least one thing a month, provided I have the spoons and time.

Creativity is, like, a level 5 spell slot when you're disabled and impoverished, and I appear to have exactly One (1) of those available at any given time.

The Needs:

The Bills: $1,100

Yeah, we had to get here eventually. Since this post is already pretty long, I'm putting the rest under a cut.

More than half of this, as always, is just for the car payment and insurance that keeps the regular day-job-haver getting to said job, and all our medical appointments, errands, etc.

I still owe around $13,000 total on Johnny Car, but I think we all know that's just not a real number.

The rest of the funds would go toward paying the small subscriptions, for my various medications, and the regular attempts to whittle away slowly at the $4,300 worth of other debt.

($2,200 of back taxes, and $2,100 of credit card debt, and gods, do I mean slowly. Interest piles up so much faster than I can seem to whittle.)

If you're able and willing to help with paying the bills, direct donations can be made here:

PayPal | (link)

Venmo | (dovesndecay)

Cashapp | ($dovesndecay)

If you can, and only if you can.

The It Would Be Cools:

Since every dime that comes in goes primarily towards food and bills, there's little left afterward to be put towards other life necessities like clothes, toiletries, let alone things I just think would be nice/neat/nifty to have.

I have a High Priority wishlist. It's mostly art supplies, bulk toiletries, etc.

I'm woefully low on clothes, being short, fat, and trans, so very little of what I own actually feels good to wear so much as it simply covers my body. I have a wishlist of clothes that would be nice to have.

For everything that firmly lands under the "I just want it" category, I have an Enrichment list. It's mostly stuffies, but also games, room decor, hobby supplies, books, and stim toys.

Our household keeps a big wishlist for things we need, want, groceries, accessibility products, and everything in-between.

Okay, now what?

Well, now, I'm gonna ask that if you got to this point, and if you can't/don't want to do any of the things listed above, then please reblog this post.

The more people that reblog it, the more likely I'm able to pay my bills for one more month this year.

But if you don't, it's not like anyone's gonna know. I'm not omniscient, I swear.

Anyway, I don't expect anyone to do anything if you can't or even if you just don't wanna, but if you can and you're willing to, it means the world.

I didn't think this is where I'd be at 32. But I never really expected to get here at all in the end, and it's a lot nicer than I thought it would be. Mostly because I am surrounded by amazing people who have the capacity to be so much kinder than I will ever have the words to describe.

Thank you, and to all, a happy pride!

🧡💛💚💙💜🤎🖤

[warabidakihime]

Rules and Roses Chapter 2

★ characters: kibutsuji muzan x reader x akaza

★ plot summary: Kibutsuji Muzan has finally decided to expand his empire, and the way he intends to do so is by running for the highest political position. With you, his darling wife, at his side, he believes he can achieve and have everything the world has to offer. He is, after all, the Phoenix of Phario.

★ fic playlist: sometimes, same day, as time stops, wolf’s song (this is also the vision board for the fic). 

★ content warnings : implied violence and abuse, profanities, toxic relationships, smut.

★ Previous Chapter

a/n:

hello!!!

first of all, i am so sorry for taking so long to update this story. ٩(ˊᗜˋ*)و ♡

life happened and i got sooo busy. the time i uploaded this fic was when i just started at my new workplace and shortly after a few weeks, i was already preoccupied with work. at first, i was laser-focused on getting used to my new work and the culture. then later on, i found myself playing a more important role in the office that required my undivided attention lol. besides that, so many things happened in my personal life as well that i didn't have the time and energy to write.

btw i'm now a writer by profession as well so oftentimes i would feel drained af after writing corporate write-ups. tbh, i also got hit by writer's block, especially for this fic because the plot i have in mind for it is lowkey intricate, and for the most part, i haven't decided on what route i should take story-wise. so during those 2 years, i was constantly trying to reconstruct the story in my head, and here we are!

i'm back but i'm not so sure about updating regularly as i'm still incredibly busy, but i will do my best! the latest kny seasons inspired me to write again (aka my crush for muzan lol).

hopefully, everyone is still here to read this. ٩(ˊᗜˋ*)و ♡

as always, comments and kudos are highly appreciated!

happy reading!

-

"Can you outline your key policy platforms should you be elected President of Phario? Given your extensive background in the human resource industry as well as your rich connections owing to your business ventures in Obelisk Kibutsuji, do you first plan to address the pressing issue of the national unemployment rate?"

"Indeed, that's correct. As President, one of my top priorities will be to strengthen our nation's workforce, which is crucial for advancing our economy. I have a comprehensive plan focused on job creation, vocational training, and support for small businesses. These initiatives will not only reduce unemployment but also stimulate innovation and competitiveness within our economy.

I also aim to implement policies that ensure equal access to education, equipping our citizens with the skills needed for the evolving job market. Healthcare reform is high on my agenda. I'll ensure healthcare assistance is accessible to everyone, public hospitals are well-maintained, and healthcare workers are fairly compensated and protected by the state in any dire situations. Additionally, I'll push for technological advancements and infrastructure development to attract both local and foreign investments.

Addressing social issues is equally important, and as a devoted ally of these communities, I'm committed to fighting all forms of discrimination, especially against women and the LGBTQ+ community. We must ensure everyone, regardless of gender, sexual orientation, or identity, has equal opportunities and protections under the law.

Moreover, I'll advocate for the rights and welfare of people with disabilities, ensuring they have access to the necessary resources and support to lead fulfilling lives. This includes improving accessibility in public spaces and promoting inclusive employment practices.

Animal welfare will also be a significant focus. We need to enact and enforce laws that protect animals from abuse and ensure humane treatment.

Lastly, I'll champion the rights of minorities and immigrants. Our nation is built on the strength of its diversity, and it's imperative we create an inclusive society where everyone feels valued and respected. This includes reforming immigration policies to be fair and humane and implementing programs that support the integration and empowerment of minority communities.

In essence, my administration will be dedicated to creating a sustainable and inclusive economic environment where every Pharian has the opportunity to thrive and contribute to our nation's progress."

Muzan stood confidently at the podium, a modest yet proud smile gracing his face after addressing a journalist's question amidst a room bustling with media personnel.

Today was the day where presidential candidates shared their platforms, which also served as an open forum for engaging with the press and fielding inquiries on a wide array of topics—from current events to personal matters.

With his seasoned composure before cameras and crowds, Muzan navigated the spotlight effortlessly. His articulate delivery drew admiration from all corners as he outlined his plans for the presidency, filling you with pride as you watched from the audience.

Among the attendees, your smile beamed with pride and unconditional support for him. Akaza, who is sitting right beside you, maintained a stoic demeanor outwardly, though inwardly, he couldn't deny a hint of impressed regard. Muzan's comprehensive platform and commanding presence left an undeniable impact on him.

Eloquence had always been Muzan's forte, a skill honed through years of being a businessman and somewhat of a public figure, as among his peers and in the business landscape in general, he is well-revered and widely celebrated.

Beyond his ability to articulate ideas, he possessed a magnetic charisma—an invaluable trait for navigating the intricate world of politics and public service.

Several hours later, the policy speech slash press conference finally ended, and now you were on your way to meet up with Muzan at the lobby of the hotel where the gathering was held when a few journalists spotted you among the sea of people who were also exiting the function room.

Akaza was right behind you and is also on full alert, an important instruction your husband told him when he appointed him as your personal bodyguard a few years back. Committed to his duty, he stood there in a stance where he is ready to take action should anything happen that is out of the ordinary.

Mics were stretched out and placed within just a few inches of your face, and one of them took the liberty to ask you a question: "What are your thoughts on Kibutsuji Muzan's campaign platforms?” 

Very much like your husband, you also wore a modest yet confident smile on your face as you held eye contact with the journalist who asked you that question before displaying your own version of eloquence as you answered,

"To say that I am proud while listening to him share and advocate for the causes he wholeheartedly believed in would be the biggest understatement of the decade," you said with a fond chuckle before continuing, "even before he filed for his candidacy and even way before he became the man we all know now, he has always been outspoken about these things. He would always share with me his desire of making significant changes in the world, hoping no more children would have to endure what he did. As many of you know, Muzan, my dear husband, came from very humble beginnings, and unlike me, he has faced challenges far beyond my own. His vision and intuition surpass that of most, and so, as cliché as it may sound, his words and strong convictions carry a weight and authenticity that are strong enough to enable him in doing the impossible and inspire others to believe that a better future is within our grasp."

Akaza listened intently to your answer, finding himself captivated by your words. The way you addressed the press made you sound like a candidate yourself who's also sharing her platform. In that moment, he couldn't help but feel an overwhelming surge of pride as he continued to absorb your statements.

The journalists surrounding you mirrored his sentiment, clearly impressed by your response—no surprise from the esteemed Ballerina Queen of Phario.

It had been quite some time since you last entertained interviews, having retired and chosen to stay away from public engagements.

"Among the plethora of initiatives he wishes to take action on once he's elected, what resonated with you the most?"

You paused, contemplating the list of campaigns your husband had presented earlier. Just as you were about to respond, an arm encircled your waist and gave it a tender squeeze.

It was Muzan.

"Knowing my wife's love for animals, I'm certain she's most excited about what I have planned for animal welfare," Muzan interjected warmly.

You playfully rolled your eyes, eliciting amusement from not only your husband and your respective bodyguards but also the press. "You say that as if it's a bad thing," you quipped.

Muzan chuckled fondly. "Not at all, my love. Your passion for animals is one of the many reasons I fell for you."

The same journalist who had asked you the second question now directed his attention to Muzan, eager for his response. "Based on the most recent public survey, you're likely the most favored candidate to win the elections. What can you say about that, Sir Kibutsuji?"

Muzan smiled bashfully at the reporter, his eyes reflecting a mix of humility and determination. "I'm incredibly honored and thankful that our fellow countrymen have placed such faith and confidence in me. It's a humbling reminder of the trust they have in our vision for a brighter future. This campaign has always been about bringing real change to Phario, addressing the pressing issues our nation faces with innovative solutions and inclusive policies. The support we're seeing reflects not just my efforts, but the collective desire of our people for progress and unity."

He paused briefly, his gaze sweeping across the room, before continuing with renewed conviction, "Though I would like to emphasize that I don't take this trust lightly, it actually fuels my commitment to serve with integrity and purpose, to listen to the voices of every Pharian, and to lead with compassion and foresight."

By now, the press was highly satisfied with the answers both of you had given, granting you the freedom to depart. Clearly spent after the eventful day, you exchanged farewells and well-wishes before going your separate ways.

With Muzan's arm still draped around your waist, he guided you towards the grand entrance of the hotel. Meanwhile, Akaza made his way to the basement parking lot to retrieve your car, preparing to drive you both home. Kokushibo remained close to Muzan, ensuring your security as you awaited the car's arrival.

Turning to Muzan, unfazed by the bustling activity around you, you placed a tender kiss on his lips, smiling warmly. "Great job out there, my love. You did so well today. I'm incredibly proud of you."

Clearly elated, Muzan mirrored your smile and returned your affection with a gentle kiss on your forehead. "Thank you, darling. Your support means everything to me."

"Truly, I was beaming throughout your speech. You were absolutely amazing. Phario is fortunate to have such an admirable leader like you," you praised sincerely.

Right there and then, Muzan couldn't help but raise his eyebrow and playfully smile at you, prompting a confused raise of your own eyebrow.

"What's that look for?" you asked.

Muzan shook his head with a playful smirk before replying, "You're not showing favoritism now, are you, my love? I know you adore me, but let's keep it fair, hmm?" he teased, his tone light-hearted and affectionate.

You rolled your eyes at his playful accusation. "Ha-ha. Very funny, Muzan. I'll take it back, then."

Muzan laughed wholeheartedly, drawing attention once again. "I was just joking!" He then smiled warmly at you, his eyes reflecting pride. "Thank you," he said sincerely. "Hearing that from you means more than any applause, you know?"

You reached out to pinch his cheeks. "You play too much sometimes, you know?" you said with a chuckle before continuing, "But like I said, hearing you speak today—and in all those times you shared your aspirations with me from when we were students up to now, as you finally have the opportunity to make all come true—it's evident how deeply committed you are. Beyond your skills and capabilities, your passion is what makes you so compelling, Muzan. It's what makes me believe in you, too."

Minutes later, while waiting by the entrance, Akaza finally pulled up with the car. You and Muzan bid farewell to those around you before stepping into the comfort of your vehicle.

As the city lights blurred past the windows, you reflected on the day's events.

"You know," you began, glancing at Muzan beside you, "I have a feeling your speech today touched more hearts than just mine."

Muzan smiled softly, intertwining his fingers with yours. 

"I hope so. Though the election is still months away, and who knows how things might shift, that's why I don't want to take any of this for granted. I'm in this for the long haul. You'll be there with me, won't you?"

He looked over to you, and in that moment, despite his big words, he looked absolutely adorable, with his ruby eyes shining at you and his lips slightly pouty as he waited for your response, which you gladly provided through the means of placing yet another sweet and passionate kiss on his lips and squeezing his hand reassuringly. 

"I'll always be here for you, Muzan, through every challenge and triumph."

"I love you," he whispered lovingly, his expression sincere and heartfelt.

"And I love you," you replied with equal affection.

With a comforting squeeze of your hand, you nestled against Muzan's shoulder, feeling a sense of contentment as the car navigated through familiar streets towards home.

Meanwhile, in the driver's seat, Akaza's face remained unreadable. He was outwardly indifferent to the tender exchange between you and Muzan, but inwardly, he was seething with rage.

You think you're so clever, spouting all those promises and pretty words, playing the saint for the public eye. But I see through you. You're nothing but a manipulative snake, a liar wrapped in a facade of righteousness.

His gaze hardened and his grip on the wheel tightened as he stared ahead, the streetlights casting shadows on his determined expression.

One day, your mask will slip. 

I will fucking rip it off your face, even if it's the last thing I do.

[copperbadge]

Hi Sam, how did you come to the conclusion you should be tested for neurodivergence? I've been reading a lot of Temple Grandin (Visual Thinking is fantastic) and see so much of myself in her books. But, I, too, am, let's just say well into adulthood, and I don't know if my life would change that much with a diagnosis. The only thing I can think of doing with a diagnosis is telling my siblings and childhood bullies that they picked on someone who had a reason for being "weird." But it doesn't change anything. Beyond the medication, did you find any solace? Thank you for sharing your journey.

I was just thinking I should do a post about this....

I don't recall the specifics and have never been able to find the post again, but sometime prior to 2019 I made a joke about having a short attention span, and someone said something like "Oh, did you finally get a diagnosis?" and I said haha no, I don't have ADHD, and a bunch of readers went, "Uh, you very clearly do." Some of them added that they thought I knew and was just being discreet about it. (As if I have ever been discreet about anything in my life.)

So I figured, okay, probably there's some level of neurodivergence there, given that my mother and siblings all have various diagnoses, and my father was clearly autistic. (Knowing what we know now about how ADHD can mask as other mental illnesses, there's a strong chance this comes from my maternal grandmother, who was the person in the family I was most like when she was alive.) I tried a couple of times to get evaluated and always had either slow or nonexistent responses from the clinics I reached out to, so I stopped trying. I had a ton of coping mechanisms in place and was in a good spot in my life, so I thought honestly, what would it change?

But by the end of 2021, while I was still in a pretty good financial place, and my career was doing well, I could tell that if things kept up as they were I was going to tank my job purely through being unable to get through a day doing productive work the way I used to.

I thought, well, if this is ADHD and it's getting worse because the whole fucking world is on fire, I have two options: I can assume I have it and just do the reading and figure shit out on my own, or I can get evaluated, get professional advice, and possibly get medicated. That seemed like the best return on investment, so that's what I worked on. My goal was primarily medication, because I didn't see myself being able to change much else about my situation on my own. And, truthfully, medication has been the biggest change -- I actually have an essay about that queued for the anniversary of my starting Adderall. But while it hasn't been a massive life-altering world-shattering change, all of this was worth it purely for the medication.

Uh, momentary sidebar in my memoir: there are downsides to having a diagnosed disability -- discrimination, legal barriers to certain things like holding government jobs or adopting, etc. Those have to be weighed when you're considering evaluation. If you think you may have autism, there's not necessarily an advantage to having a formal diagnosis unless you need accommodations; if you think you may have ADHD, the huge advantage is access to medication, which doesn't exist for autism as far as I'm aware. So your particular flavor of neurodivergence might dictate whether you get a diagnosis, or whether you just start operating on the assumption you have it. Both are valid, I think, it really depends on what's going on in your life and what you want to change.

Anyway, I have been doing other research, reading journal articles and pop psychology and talking to people, and that's been good, but even if I had none of that, the medication has been so helpful in getting me back on an even keel and then making life even better.

This sounds kind of weird to say but I'm not generally someone who needs a lot of solace. There is some relief in knowing that at least some of my fuckups in life weren't something I could have prevented by simply having more strength of character or working harder, and that's nice, but it's something I could have had without a formal diagnosis -- just like you could simply tell your siblings and bullies you have a diagnosis. (Being real, I doubt they'd care; bullies gonna bully whether you had a reason to be weird or not, and none of that would have been your fault regardless of your neurology. But it's all very situational, as I'm sure you know.) I wasn't badly bullied as a kid and there's nobody really to...tell, in the sense you're thinking of. But I didn't get into it for emotional solace; I got into it to fix a life that was, albeit extremely slowly, starting to fall apart. So if you're someone, as most people are, who derives emotional satisfaction or catharsis from having the diagnosis, I think it probably would be pretty helpful. But even if you aren't, like me, if you can get medication or accomodations, I think it's worth it.

[swampndn]

Lol y'all. In my attempt of actually doing shit to take care of me, I fucked up.

A trauma dear diary

So my two best friends have been telling me to get a massage for a long time, so last night, I impulse booked at 9am. I had therapy also today, so I figured it'd be a good idea to do both in the same day. Macrodose the self care. I even got an oil change too!

Anyway, the last massage I've ever gotten was 14 years ago, and given how much has happened in that time (and how hard I am on my physical body), I figured the 90-minute session over the 60 was warranted. This is big for me as I really got problems with people touching me in any kind of care way and lotion texture problems. We go over my medical history and current injuries. She is very thorough and very non-threatening.

Then we start. It's fine. It's all good. No problems. I surprisingly have no tension in my shoulders or neck, which surprised both of us.

But then y'all. She got to my hips, and hot fucking damn. She is shook, and she tells me that she doesn't remember the last time she experienced someone with the sheer amount of tension. She knows about my hypermobility disability, and she tells me that she's certain that is the only reason I'm still able to walk because there should be no way. So she is WORKIN' when all of a sudden, boom.

A very bad repressed memory comes back.

I've been in intensive trauma therapy for almost 2 years now for a number of things, but there was an incident in October that brought to light a confirmed series of events I had completely repressed. A whole ass thing.

Anyway, so today I get shot back to a memory. It's wild. Physical sensations, thoughts I was thinking at that exact moment in time, breathing, crystal clear vision like I'm literally there, and it's happening in real time. Honestly, the most clear memory recovery and flashback I have ever experienced, and there have been a few.

I come back to the table. I'm fine. I compartmentalize, knowing I'll deal with that in a few hours. We finish the massage, and I try to get up. Y'all, I'm disoriented. My vision is dim. I can barely move. I have to lean against the wall. I have no idea how long it took to get dressed, but it was a while as the therapist asked if I was okay. I was plenty hydrated before I got there. It was a physical experience I've never had. But I finally got my clothes on, and she gave me a treatment plan that seems very helpful and good. I pay then I leave.

I felt (and still feel) physically quite good. I've never noticed how my hips feel (mainly because my ankles and knees take all the focus), and I'm now hyper aware of them. I am fully stacked with back to back meetings until therapy, so I do them all. Again, feeling physically quite good.

Then I go to therapy. I tell my therapist, and she then goes, "We tell trauma patients to not get massages! Why didn't you talk to me about this first???"

She explains a lot of things like being triggered by certain physical touches etc., but her big thing was that there's a ton of research about how this specific type of intensive trauma I have LIVES IN THE HIPS. I was aware of that before, but since I never had problems with my hips, I didn't think it was applicable to me.

HA HA HA JOKES ON ME

I've since been googling about that, and uh oh. Now I understand her concern.

[solarsunshine]

what’s really disheartening about the maya/tori situation on tiktok is seeing maya adopt white supremacist suppression tactics (the fake smiling, tears, and the muting of tori) in their dialogue. to me at least, this just shows that the way non-poc leftists have been centering themselves in the movement of palestinian liberation here in the united states has been not only successful, but welcomed, going off of the reactions to the livestream.

historically, black american activists have been some of palestine’s biggest and longest supporters. activists and diplomats like ralph bunche was critical of the development of israel before they (israel) even declared themselves a state. malcom x was deeply tied to the palestinian cause, eventually visiting gaza before his assassination. james baldwin, angela davis, the black panther party, and more recently, the ferguson protesters have all had close ties and even direct communication with palestinian liberationists. there legitimately has not been a bigger or more vocal group in america for palestinian liberation than black americans as a whole.

the lack of intersectional interest in the face of kamala harris’s campaign has been insane. the assumption that black americans are ignorant to harris’s sins as attorney general is so far from reality that i am genuinely in awe. black americans were more affected by her stances in california than any other minority group, and the assumption that we forgot is so baffling that i am almost speechless. kamala is not a perfect candidate, however, many lgbtq+, black, and disabled folks can recognize that she is the lesser of two evils. neither candidate is ideal, but it is common knowledge that third party candidates have no chance of even denting the polls this close to the election. (for even the smallest chance of a third party candidate winning, we would have to start voting in every election year round, big or small, but that’s a conversation for another day!) so that leaves us with the 2 big party candidates. the american government is so deeply entrenched in the foundations of israel that realistically, this is not a one election catch-all. the best we can do with this election is harm-reduction, not elimination. it is NOT ideal in any way, shape, or form, but it is a base we can develop on. trump is genuinely terrifying for the idea of democracy, and the fact that people equate that whole mess to the harris campaign, is so lacking in common sense that i genuinely had to take a breather. freedom of speech, civil liberty, and the right to protest are in the direct line of fire in this election cycle with the current rise of trumpian laws being put in front of both congress and the supreme court.

intersectionality is based on the idea that we can limit the harm to oppressed people in facing multiple oppressors, NOT having tunnel vision onto one form of oppression, because all oppressive ideologies are inherently linked. a large group of non-poc, pro-palestinian liberation supporters are not grasping the true basis of this mindset, and are actively bringing more harm to the palestinian cause by rejecting a more multi-faceted understanding of how to actually achieve liberation. there is a lack of understanding that we as americans can only support the liberation of palestine. trying to center the idea of palestine’s liberation as something that american activists can only achieve is based in the same ideology of the “white-savior” phenomenon. palestinian people have given us direct ways that they want support, and largely, american supporters have either de-stabilized or suppressed the original outreach and replaced it with more performative activism. the rampant racism, suppression, de-centralization of both black voices and palestinian voices goes directly against the beauty of palestine’s multi-ethnic, religiously diverse, and multi-faceted history as one of the most diverse areas of art, culture and thought in history.

[endlessthxxghts]

Goodbye, 2023.. Hello, 2024!🥂

Hello, beautiful people.💚 2023 is now coming to an end, and although there is so much I have to say about these past 12 months at a personal level, I’ll try to keep it brief (in roughly 800 words LMAO) and stick to our beautiful fandom world I love so dearly. 

I am absolutely not new to reading fan fiction—to reading all these fucking amazing stories that keep my hyperfixations well-fed😅 As a matter of fact, for the majority of this year, that’s what my tumblr consisted of—purely reading😅 

What I am new to, however, is actually contributing to this beautiful fandom. I’ve always loved writing, and I’ve written a few tiny stories for myself in the past. I just never would’ve thought—on one random day in September—that I would post them for the world, and I never would’ve thought that they were good enough to be loved by so many of you. It baffles me—still, after every new story I’ve put out, I still get surprised and feel a tremendous amount of gratitude for the love you guys give to me. I don’t know what I did to deserve it, but I’m learning to love myself more and more every single day, and in that, I’m learning to appreciate my abilities. To appreciate the skill that I’ve honed, and in doing so, I want to give back in the way that I can—through writing stories that put the biggest of smiles on our faces that our cheeks hurt, through writing stories that we can see a figment of ourselves in it, through writing stories that make us feel a plethora of emotions but ultimately make us feel loved.

I don’t mention this often, but I am physically disabled, and because of that, I have to physically rely on another person to help me with everything—showering, feeding me, using the restroom, etc. Ever since I could remember, I vowed that I would give back to everyone in the only way I can: through my verbal abilities (hence why my career goal is to become a clinical psychologist💚), and—naturally because of that—through my writing abilities. My only hope in this world is that I can provide others with the warm and welcome feeling that I’ve been surrounded by all my life, even if I can’t take any action to do so. I’ll always find a way. 

But okay, I digress (this is me keeping it brief, I apologize). I also wanted to take a moment to specifically say thank you to those who read my work. I’ve only been posting and writing for you guys since late September—only a little over three months!—and I have nearly 800 of you constantly cheering me on and providing me with the sweetest of support I thought could never exist for someone like me. I seriously wouldn’t be here without you guys. You seriously have no clue what your words do to me; they are my driving force, the fuel that keeps me going, the hugs I need when a story gets a little too complicated for my easily-frustrated brain because I just want it to be perfect for you. Thank you. With my entire heart, my entire soul, my entire existence: thank you. I can’t wait to see where 2024 takes us. I love you all. So much. 

And I want to give a special special thank you to a few people—whether we message each other, or we just constantly have given each other unconditional support, or simply I just admire and am inspired by you—who mean so much to me. Your support and guidance as I began my journey is irreplaceable. I’ve learned so much from each of you in our own unique way, and I’m inexplicably excited to enter 2024 with you guys by my side. I’m truly honored to be able to know you, even if it is solely online. @katiexpunk @janaispunk @toxicanonymity @bearsbeetsbeskar @farmerlarrry @joels-shitty-puns @tightjeansjavi @mandoisapunk — All my love to you beautiful people, and I can’t wait to continue being one of your loudest cheerleaders throughout 2024.

And to @javierpena-inatacvest… I don’t know what I was expecting out of making my presence more known on this lil platform, but I definitely wasn’t expecting to make a best friend out of this. And I definitely wasn’t expecting a lifelong best friend, at that. You don’t know this, but you entered my life at a time that I was struggling. There was something I was missing… something I was needing. Little did I know, that something was you, and I’m endlessly grateful. Your existence in my life is truly one that is irreplaceable. I don’t know what I did to be so lucky—but whatever God or all-knowing being did this, I’ll be giving them offerings now and until the day I die. Thank you for letting me in, and thank you for letting my crazy ass be a part of your journey. I love you, friend.🌚💚

Happy 2024, everyone!! This will be our year for prosperity in every aspect of  our lives. I just know it. 

Endlessly yours, L. 💚

[sexwithsophie]

Yes, my darling. You do.

It's wild how even the best of people don't seem to feel worthy of any kind of happiness; let alone the absolute, pure, unadulterated happiness they absolutely deserve. Do you feel this way? If so, let me tell you right now as your mom, I know for certain that you deserve all this and more.

You want to know why? Because I said so. But unfortunately, almost all of us are raised with a tit-for-tat mentality, even though that's untrue and fallacious. You don't have to give anything to be deserving of everything. And still, since escaping this mindset is so much easier said than done, I'll tell you why you are owed happiness, my dearest.

You deserve it because life is so ridiculously hard from the moment we take our first breath to the last. It's struggle and pain and clawing just to reach a baseline of comfort. Every day. Trying to figure out money and food and relationships and shelter and transportation and safety and sanity… every single motherfucking day?!?

THEN throw on top of that all the things that try their best to trip you up on your road to happiness: disability, location, bosses, microagressions, fucking war, assumptions, neurochemistry, miscommunications, politics, dysphoria, and unhappy people, sometimes even parents (not me, of course), who actively work to keep you down in the doldrums with them.

So. You manage to crawl out from under all of that extra bullshit that buffs what is already an insanely difficult existence to enjoy a movie, play a board game, smile at a baby, or appreciate a sunset? Congratulations! You deserve those slices of happiness, because I know how incredibly hard they were to attain. You are owed it.

You've managed to check a few boxes on some of those basic requirements for happiness? Got a new car, found a solid partner, practiced some new tricks from a parenting book, secured a fulfilling job, got your degree, moved into a safe place…? YESSSS!!!! Eat. That. Shit. UP!!! Revel in it!!! And try to celebrate the multitude of other huge happinesses that may have thrummed down to autopilot for you. Because you are due, baby!

Now. If you were brave, fortunate, and lucky enough to be able to find happiness while knowing your true, authentic self? Or better yet, found yourself and living as yourself is what became a new source of happiness for you? Outwardly or inwardly? Loudly or quietly? Well then, my hats off to you even more so, my liege.

That is not a safe thing for everyone to do, and may not even be for you, and yet you've done it. Even if you are the only one who knows. That's a big huge deal, and is what undoubtedly "costs" each of us the most. Hopefully your knowledge of self has amplified the good things in your life, but even if that's still on the horizon for you, or you're having to slough off before you can begin to be filled by your truth, cash in.

Because, you see? You most definitely deserve your happiness… your peace… in exchange for all you may have had to give up or trade in to attain it. Please know that I am so unfathomably, irrevocably, and insanely proud of you!!! Even if all you did was get out of bed this morning, because sometimes the smallest things can be the most taxing depending on what all you're wrestling with at any given time.

In the face of all the things and people who keep levying their tolls on you, please keep being kind. Especially to yourself. You deserve it.

[magickfromscratch]

hello! this is just to say that I’ve read a lot of your blog posts and I really like them. (when I’m next in a stable living situation, I plan on making offerings to Ariadne! she seems lovely and I have already purchased some very fancy honey from the good grocery store.) you have mentioned giving people spiritual advice, and I was wondering- if you’re not too busy, absolutely no pressure whatsoever- if I might ask for some? basically my life has gone to shit in several aspects since I started following the gods in earnest. lost hobbies, friend groups, major surgeries, etc. The one thing I have always been very clear about is that I am not willing to give up my career as an author, and I was recently told that for medical reasons I’m not supposed to be reading or looking at screens anymore. so basically, no more author things or gaming or needlework, which is generally all that makes me happy. having read a lot of krasskova et al as a young impressionable baby witch, and given how much she’s talked about the gods making people give up various passions, I am frightened. I am also very embarrassed about being frightened because I feel like I should know better. Do you perhaps have any advice? Thank you for your time.

It sounds like you're having a really tough time, and I'm so sorry all that happened to you. I hope you are able to swiftly find the best accommodations for your new (hopefully temporary?) disability. I can't comment too much on the loss of friend groups. I don't have enough visibility on it.

I'll try to lend perspectives which I hope are helpful, but at the end of the day, I'm just a dude on the internet, so, grain of salt, as always.

My first piece of advice is entirely practical: look into what accommodations blind authors use in their craft. I don't know what to say about the gaming and needlework. That's just plain awful, and you have my sympathies.

Second piece of advice: I want you to try a perspective-taking exercise. Let's imagine that there's a successful author, and you hear in the news that they suddenly had a really bad accident. They make a post on their social media that their next novel is delayed while they figure out how they're going to continue writing.

Would your next thought be:

A. This is because of their spiritual path

or

B. That sounds really hard. The universe can be kind of unjust sometimes.

For some people, the hardest thing to accept is that sometimes, bad things happen for no reason at all. That discomfort with the idea that some things are outside anyone's control gives way to religious people with comfy homes and money in their pockets who walk by people with literally nothing, the poor and unhoused for example, and feel contempt rather than compassion. God ordained that for "those people," and therefore, they must somehow deserve it.

I don't think well on this particular take. It's not only been used against the poor, but also against those disadvantaged by the American system, be it because of race, gender, disability, or any number of other things.

In order to believe that the gods actually do this, we'd have to believe that they are also in support of the results, which is the destruction of empathy, and, in my view, a complete antithesis to all that is genuinely spiritual. The poor aren't poor because some divinity is angry at them. They're poor because of economic corruption.

You aren't struggling because of the gods. It's more likely a combination of other factors that are outside of your control, or even theirs.

Third thing, not so much advice as metaphysical philosophy:

Offerings draw the gods close to us. They facilitate a connection between the physical aspect of our lives and the influence of the gods. This can allow them to help us, if they are so inclined. Harming us as a result would discourage us from doing this. This would cause the gods to be farther away from humanity, which is observably not what they want.

Conversely, if we do not invite the gods into our life, they have a harder time helping us out.

That said, let me show you a chart.

These are influences in a person's life, visualized in order of proximity, and how impactful they are on that person.

I'm not sure if I'm happy with everything on this chart, or what not on the chart, but it's a rough idea.

The closer to the center, the more impactful it has the capacity to be on the person. But also, the things adjacent to one another have greater proximity and impact with respect to each other.

For example: people with a better than average socio-economic status would typically have access to better food. But what if you're a wheelchair user (body) and your house isn't built to accommodate that (physical environment)? The influence of your socio-economic status is going to have to contend with the inaccessibility of your home first.

In order to influence your career (socio-economic), the gods will need to deal with issues of your theological beliefs (if they are in the way at all), and your essential personal magic (wyrd/luck/mazal).

Even at the socio-economic layer, there are some problems the gods can't influence because you are just one instance of a systemic problem. They'd have to fix society before they could help you, just practically speaking.

And we don't often see miraculous healing. This is true enough that if someone was suggesting using prayer or magic instead of going to the doctor, they'd get a massive amount of side-eye from rather a lot of people. This is because the physical body is far enough away from them that it takes an incredible amount of energy to get to that level, and there would probably be many layers of problems to solve before they could get there.

Good or bad, it's very hard for deities to help your physical health unless you are actively working with them for that purpose, and do a lot of weird, highly specific things. Even then, you should never rely solely on that. You should always get a doctor, if you have access to one.

The corollary is that it would be an incredible amount of work and energy to make you sick, as well. Same domain, different intention, similar problems. You, or someone capable of laying physical hands on your body, would have to do a large number of weird, highly specific things in order for there to be a manifestation on that level. Even then, it would be less influential on you than your genetics, daily activities, job, stress level, and environmental toxins you were exposed to. It would still be less helpful to you than appropriate medical treatment.

That said, there have been studies done which demonstrate that praying to deities who are wrong for you can increase stress levels and decrease wellbeing. If you feel like shit after calling a god, maybe find a different god of the same thing to work with. Don't be afraid to experiment and find the ritual and spiritual approaches which are comfiest for you.

Hope that helps?

[nobody-writes-here]

On Nonfiction and "Reading for Pleasure"

As a college student, I am often asked to quantify the reading outside of class when the topic of reading comes up. There are many ways of phrasing it. "How many books did you read this year?" a number is given, with the inevitable follow up: "and how many of those were for class?" punctuated with a little laugh. I don't hate this; in fact I do it myself. It's not a secret that most of the reading that I do is for one class or another. As a history major and academic masochist at a competitive school, it's basically unavoidable. We read because we must, and the closest thing we have to reading choice is choosing topics for research papers. Personally, I try to always do the readings, because goddammit I worked hard to get here for this professor to give me their reading list. I picked the classes because I wanted to take them, or at least because they fulfill requirements for the degree I want. The problem is that there are so many things I want to read outside of that, and having them grouped into the broad category of "for pleasure" feels disingenuous at best.

The idea of what we read for pleasure is a nebulous thing. There is a joy in reading disability justice scholarship, as a disabled person, being connected to my community in that way. This is a thing I can take pleasure in, even with the mountains of content warnings that come alongside many memoirs and suchlike on the topic. That said, I would be doing myself a disservice not to acknowledge how frustrating it is that I am reading it on my own time. My university had exactly one seminar class centering disability studies last semester, and I didn't get in. Not because the professor didn't know I was disabled, or wasn't prioritizing disabled access to disabled scholarship, but because there were too many of us to fit in the room and the first class filled with everyone trying to get in overflowed the table and made the room swelteringly overcrowded. I go to a big, well-known, expensive, proudly progressive school, for the record, and the numbers on the need-based scholarship paperwork they send me every year are so big my brain can't comprehend it. If you wanted to take a class on feminism, for example, the registrar search turns up plenty of options easily accessible even to first-years, evidence that the school is perfectly capable of providing comprehensive education on social issues if it wanted to. But it's not a priority; same goes for queer or god forbid trans scholarship.

So I teach myself. The reading I do in my own time, trying to cover as much intersectional ground as possible in the limited spoons I have available, has to suffice. It's infuriating. I only really get through a couple books a year in their entireties. And when people say, "what do you like to read in your free time," I shrug and say mostly nonfiction these days. In my ideal world, my free time is for novels and comics and Percy Jackson rereads. Instead, I am searching up nonfiction titles in the library catalogue of my hometown while visiting family, wondering how long it's been since any of these were marked as not available.

[astronomergrump]

ik nobody's gonna like... See this or reply to it. Because it's not 'art' or anything 'fandom related'. But nobody listens to me, and ik nobody will listen to me here so it's whatever.

Idk what I gotta do to become popular and for ppl to see my art and recognize me and think I'm cool and then become friends with cool ppl, but I'm so close to giving up on drawing y'all.

Might need to take a break from everything, especially the internet and tryna show my art off. But idk, I'm probably just saying that cause I'm was in the shower and crying. But God dMmit I don't know what I gotta do for people to like me, and that's probably a stupid thing to say. 'Reese you shouldn't be clout chasing' or 'Making urself popular or cool because ur already cool', I'm not cool. I'm weird, and everyone knows I am. I'm broke, disabled, and stupid. I try my best so that maybe, maybe the bugsnax fandom can recognize me as an artist. But I've mostly given up posting on a bugsnax server due to insecurity and being ignored. (I only post on few servers)

i barely have any motivation to post, or even talk to ppl and yet I always do because I'm afraid people are gonna be worried. Even though ik nobody cares where I am, that nobody even remembers me or my art. I'm tired, I'm so tired, and I'm so sick and idk why. I'm physically weak and I don't understand what's happening, I'm losing my balance, I'm getting more tired and tired. Idk what's wrong with me, but it's definitely not good. I wanna write, I wanna draw, I wanna be productive so badly. But I physically can't.

I love bugsnax, I truly do. But sometimes it's tiring being a smaller artist than the ppl you look up to. Also get white skinny twink floofty out of my feed and support Palestine. Now I'm gonna probably sleep or watch tiktok/YouTube, if anyone wants my tiktok just ask and I'll put it in the comments or smth. I hope everyone has a wonderful day

[autisticlee]

working through autisitc traumas with my therapist. she wanted me to figure out why I have such a trauma response to doing art collabs with people.

after some poking at my brain, a repressed memory revealed itself and started unfolding. i remembered i was bullied by other artists during a collab, but not the details. then i remembered i saved some screenshots and went through them which unfolded more. it was the time I did my first and so far only art collab. it was meant to be a happy and fun experience, but turned so bad so fast. it was on twitter some years back and i was very much bullied by the mod of it and my collab partner who was his best friend. i truly, genuinely didn't understand why or what was happening??? and couldn't get answers. never got answers. trying to get answers was a big bad no-no. any attempts to ask clarification or explain things made me the "bad guy with behavior problems" but of course this was never explained or talked about with me at all. apparently because if it was, i would be "butthurt" or something. i was never given the opportunity to even discuss it, which i would have preferred, because i like to work through things and have honest and open communication at all times until any conflict is resolved! so this supposed "behavior" i didn't know about was only used later to insult me behind my back, instead of talking it out.

because of course being autistic and trying to ask clarification, understand a problem, wanting to make things better, or explain a misunderstanding means you just have bad behavior, are attention seeking, are trying to start drama and be offensive, have a bad attitude, and are a horrible person 🙄 we all hear this all the time right? many allistics are incredibly offended by us trying to understand what their problem is, not being able to read their minds, and trying get them to have clear and honest communication with us. they rather "drop it" and not discuss it and then blame us when the problem doesn't magically go away! they perceive any attempt at communication as an attack on them. and since we don't play their games how they want or expect, we are the bad person who is doing it "on purpose" apparently!

i've debated back when this happened if I should post these screenshots I have. especially since I didn't get screenshots for all the stuff that was happening. like when the group chat disappeared, I was unable to get anything from before that. if they deleted stuff too quick and i only got the popup notif on my phone but it was gone on twitter, i didn't get it. also i only did screenshots to share with my friend chat and ask them if they understood what was happening because i was so confused. and didn't know there was a problem until it was too late. so i didn't record everything.

I, for the life of me, cannot figure out what was happening. to this day. i'm SO CONFUSED. truly, genuinely, swear on my entire existence, agreeing to accept being cursed and cast to hell if i'm lying at all, i do not understand and was not trying to cause any harm on purpose.

they either genuinely thought I was doing something wrong on purpose and it was all a huge misunderstanding, because i struggle with words due to my disability, and they misread the tone of my texts or something else. i gave them the benefit of the doubt and tried to work it out. but they refused to work out with me.

OR they were just being bullies on purpose and trying to gaslight and accuse me instead for fun? i don't know! if they misunderstood me and decided to take it out on me instead of talking it out, how am i supposed to know what i supposedly did wrong? BECAUSE I DID NOT KNOW. i can only make guesses.

I can't figure it out. there was no talking with these people because they decided I was a bad, horrible person for trying to talk it out and understand/explain what (i thought) was happening, so they wouldn't have honest communication with me no matter what I did. I would just get shut down and told i'm trying to make drama. I hate drama. but I love clear communication and understanding and fixing problems! sorry if you don't value clear communication and rather take offense to it and call it "drama/bad behavior" lmao.

i do admit i avoided directly talking out problems with my collab partner, mainly because i didn't know there was a problem or how or approach it??? because it wasn't ME having the problem with them. it was me perceiving they had a problem with me but were silent on it and i was punished for not reading their mind. things started bad with the mod, so i didn't want to "cause more drama" by asking why my collab partner didn't want to talk to me and was ignoring me in the gc. but they also never tried to communicate with me about the problem they may have had, so how is that on me? why is it my job to figure out thir issue and bring it up first? if they don't say anything, i can only assume it's not that big of a deal for them?? right? more on that later with a screenshot

so, I don't even feel like blocking out usernames anymore. i started to but meh i give up. if that's wrong, i apologize. i've decided that if they have the same usernames still and someone decides to take this to them, then whatever. they can either act like an adult, listen to me, and have clear and honest communication in order to work out the misunderstanding, and apologize for THEIR behavior, or they can leave me alone. you cannot claim someone was purposely doing bad things when they are completely clueless about it.

if they think I WAS THE PROBLEM and i don't know what the hell i did wrong, it's THEIR responsibility to tell me. but they did not. the only "problem" they told me about was my art apparently being shit after i definitely NEVER asked for their "advice"

anyway here's some of the screenshots i got along with the story. maybe if someone reads all this you can help explain what the fuck was even happening and help me understand?????????? did i make an honest mistake and not realize, or were they just being bullies like my old friend gc told me? but i'm using this post to try to work it out now that my therapist made this repressed memory come back and encouraged me to work through it....

it started when an artist on bts kpop twitter posted about an art collab their friend was hosting that needed more people. i replied and said i'd join! i love collabing and working together with people and would love more art friends! so they added me to the group chat.

when we got enough people, the mod announced that we will choose what member of bts we want to draw and be partnered with one person doing the same member to draw opposite theme arts. i said i'd take yoongi if no one else does. i literally gave an opportunity to let someone else take him because i wanted to be nice! no one else did. only my future collab partner did. i waited and no one said anything. i didn't get a response from the mod but everyone else did for theirs, as he marked them all down and shared the doc screenshot. yoongi still unmarked. i was 110% planning on giving him to someone else IF THEY JUST SAID THEY WANTED HIIM. but literally no one did. yet i kept getting told someone called him already so i have to wait for them to respond?????

so of course i kept trying to ask, because every other member was filling up and only like 2 others + yoongi were left

WHO WERE THESE PEOPLE. WHERE WERE THEY. WHY WERENT THEY TALKING. why was it my responsibility to talk to them if yo u won't tell me who they are! pretty sure i asked who they were so i can talk to them but didn't get a response. i was never told once who these people were???? so as far as i'm concerned, they never existed!

even others in the gc stuck up for me saying i called yoongi first! a few of them even dm'd me saying they're trying and also don't know why i'm being ignored. i asked if they saw anyone else call yoongi first before i was added to the gc so i can message the person, because YOU CANNOT SEE MESSAGES FROM BEFORE YOU WERE ADDED TO A GC. and i was among the last 3 or so to be added. so if someone said it, i literally cannot find proof myself, yet the mod refused to send me proof of the claim. the people who dm'd me said they didn't see anyone else either. i even asked one of them to scroll back and look and send me a screenshot of who claimed him and they said there was no one before me! (i didn't think to screenshot those dms unfortunately. but i got a few where they said it on the gc itself)

"it's about getting here first" while people were saying i WAS first??? according to literally everyone EXCEPT YOU i was first. you refused to tell me who this "real" first was. how am i supposed to talk to them then??? and i have to wait for them to speak up themselves because you refuse to tell me. if i remember correctly, he even said he's not going to call them out and i have to wait for them to reveal themselves. no one did lmao. so WHAT IS FAIR ABOUT ANY OF THIS. it's not fair to me that's for sure.

this is where i didn't get many screenshots because i was suddenly kicked from the chat soon after this. i only have these few because i was asking my friend gc what this meant and what i'm supposed to do since most of my messages are being ignored. there were more of me asking, being ignored, other people trying to speak up for me, and being told yoongi is taken, despite it not being marked off on the doc....all i did here was ask if i can do yoongi if no one else is, and since it looked like no one else was, then asked a few more times because i never got a response until other people started speaking up for me.

it was part of the lost chat, so i didn't get screenshots, but my future collab partner was practically begging everyone to work with them on yoongi. but they all refused and said they already chose a different member and that i chose yoongi first. they weren't asking someone who said they wanted yoongi. they were asking people that chose a different member! so if someone chose him already, why weren't they @'ing that person to ask them??? they even discussed their whole idea which was angel and demon and they were doing the angel side. i said i like that idea and since the others don't want to do yoongi, i'd be happy to do that idea with them! i was ignored. and perhaps i was metaphorically attacked

while i was typing in the text box to send another message, the chat box froze, then the group chat suddenly went blank, and nothing was there anymore, with a popup thing saying there was an error or something, and it wouldn't let me send the message. i thought maybe my internet went out so checked it. it was fine. i thought twitter broke. i restarted the app and the gc was completely gone from my messages??? i thought the mod decided to end it and i didn't see the message because i was typing. so i went to his twitter to see if he posted an update. nothing. then he sends me a message

i was incredibly confused. i figured there was a mistake, but tried to investigate to figure out how twitter broke that bad when i was the only person that had that issue. i said if i figure out what happened, i'd let him know. all i know is i didn't, COULDNT have left the chat by myself. you can't just click leave when you're in the middle of typing a message 😭

so when i joined the gc, i followed everyone in it once we finalized who was part of the collab. but i noticed once i was added back in, there was ONE person i was suddenly no longer following. i asked my friend gc, and they confirmed that if you block (or soft block, aka blocking and unlocking immediately) it makes the person unfollow you, but also kicks you out from any gc you share with them. they know because they blocked each other as a joke sometimes and had to keep adding each other back in the gc after that.

so logically, if i'm suddenly not following one single person in the gc, but i'm still following everyone else. that means they soft blocked me and no one else could have (i didn't know the term soft block at the time, so i didn't use it. so there is a chance they took "block" rather than soft block as a offense? and maybe that was my mistake? but also it could have very well went the same way regardless) but like i said, i let him know that i figured it out! i stated it very matter of factly, as in i wasn't upset but just stating what i thought was facts. what i thought had happened based on my investigation and discussing with my friends. i didn't care at all about the soft block. you do you. if you don't want me to follow and we aren't friends, i don't give a fuck. i was just stating the reason i was suddenly gone from the chat! but if the reason was because we were about to become collab partners and you didn't want that to happen, you owe me words and an explanation. it's not up to me to read your mind and try to figure it out!!!! so i tried to explain my thought process to the mod.

i assume sam here was annoyed at me asking to be partners since all their friends were turning them down and this supposed "first" yoongi-claimer wasn't speaking up. so they decided to "get back at me" by soft blocking because they don't want me following. sure. whatever. but what i don't think they realized was it KICKS ME FROM THE GROUP CHAT.

this is where things get muddy and confusing......and also everything is stacked against me because surprise, my collab partner and the mod are best friends! i don't think alex realized how soft blocking works / wouldn't accept it. wouldn't accept that their best friend was the cause and i didn't "choose" to leave on by myself. i tried to explain how twitter works and he refused to listen

alex was not listening to reason or logic AT ALL. he let his "i must protect best friend" emotions cloud his judgement. he took it as me accusing his best friend of i-don't-know-what offense to purposely try starting drama. well I PERSONALLY didn't see how this was a bad thing??? and i wasn't sharing this info to make it out to be a bad thing at all. i was sharing that i figured out how i was kicked because i said i would if i figured it out! i accepted the soft block and would let that go. a soft block kicking me from the gc was probably a small mistake sam didn't anticipate. maybe they didn't tell alex about it, so maybe alex had no idea. no harm in sam admitting to it and apologizing or even moving on! but it seems sam kept it to themself. it may have all been a misunderstanding. yet when i tried to talk it out but was only shut down.

alex never even acknowledged the fact that sam was begging everyone else to do yoongi with them. why didn't alex tell sam to ask the mysterious "first yoongi asker" i kept getting told existed???? why didn't alex tell sam to talk tot me about about it? why didn't alex tell me who that supposed person was to tell them to dm me? why did they never get yoongi in the end if they existed? why was i by default given yoongi when he was inevitably left over? why was everything my responsibility, my fault, and my problem? why was trying to get clarification and not getting any a bad and horrible thing? why could no one speak clearly, honestly, and straightforward with me? i can only assume these people who claimed yoongi didn't exist and were made up since they never spoke up and alex refused to tell me their name. so obviously they had a problem with me choosing yoongi and refused to speak about it to me! they just hoped someone else would claim him, but turned out everyone was on my side sticking up for me

so i tried to talk about it since no one else would come to me first. i tried to explain that i thought it was because sam wanted to work with their friends they asked who kept turning them down, and especially since the last message i was able to send was saying i'd do it with them since their friends won't. then suddenly poof, i was kicked. but yeah alex won't listen. sam probably lied to him saying they didn't soft block me so they can make me look like the bad guy. despite twitter literally having this mechanic that all pointed to sam doing exactly what i had said. alex had no way of refuting it except deciding i'm a liar. either that, or they were in on it together. but part of me wants to think sam lied and alex truly didn't understand. but try explaining as a stranger to someone their best friend is lying to them.....instead IM the liar i guess LOL

I WAS GENUINELY CONFISED AS FUCK AND TRYING TO FIGURE IT OUT AND YOU WERE NOT HELPING AT ALL ALEX. WHY WOULD A LIAR BE CONFUSED???? I DIDNT ACCUSE SAM OF ANYTHING BAD EITHER. I WASN'T DOING DRAMA. I WAS BEING TRUTHFUL AND SERIOUS. I WAS TRYING MY BEST TO FIGURE OUT WHAT WAS HAPPENING AND UNDERSTAND SO I COULD TRY TO HELP FIX IT. IF YOU USED YOUR BRAIN AND COMMUNICATED PROPERLY WITH ME INSTEAD OF RUNNING YOUR EMOTIONS MAYBE YOU'D SEE THE LOGIC BEHIND MY WORDS. MAYBE IF YOU COMMUNICATED PROPERLY TO BEGIN WITH THIS WOULDNT HAVE HAPPENED

but of course someone will only believe their best friend...but why is soft blocking a bad thing that you need to defend so hard? sure, it's rude, but everyone does it so it was so normalized, i thought it was fine to point out, like genuinely. AND I WAS OK WITH IT I ACCEPTED IT????? they coud have asked me to unfollow and i would have asked why but did it in the end. but if sam had an issue with working with me to the point they wanted me to not follow anymore, they should use their words and speak to me!!!!!!!!! not soft block me away and start this whole nonsense.

i assume i was kicked upon soft block and sam didn't know that's what happens when you soft block and that's why they "didnt know until alex told them" so they panicked and lied to alex about not blocking me (OR they hard blocked and noticed i was out and panicked and unblocked? but soft block sounds more believable to me for some reason) and alex of course took their side and believed them, typical best friend behavior. but still doesn't excuse alex's behavior and deciding i'm the bad person. i tried so hard to fix the issue and come to an understanding but he made up his mind and refused to give me the benefit of the doubt like i'm STILL giving him for some reason! when he doesn't deserve it at this point!

anyway, i'm added back to the gc and i'm FINALLY given yoongi since i'm the only one without an assignment and he's the only one left over. i wasn't even told. the final doc was just posted. so everyone starts discussing their ideas. i said i'm going with what my partner suggested earlier, unless they want to do something else. they didn't respond and tell me they disagreed? they just posted this:

all i had to go off of was what i remembered them saying before i was kicked from the gc. so i started on that. i assumed they didn't want to discuss further when they said this? i also assumed they didn't want to talk to me because i was still sure they soft blocked me because how else would all that happen.....

they ended sending me their art that was not at all the concept they said they were doing in the gc. it didn't match mine so i told them i was doing what they said they were doing and they're like oh fine i guess i have to redo my art. so they redid it. but that's on you for deciding to not discuss it and not doing your original concept.

i think it was while waiting for sam to finish their art, some other weird things were happening???? can't remember if it was only sam or if alex did it too, but they started liking a bunch of my old tweets, so it felt like they were stalking my account (trying to dig up dirt to prove i'm a bad person perhaps?) don't know but it made me feel uncomfy. didn't mention it though. just felt weird so idk what the purpose was

one of the old tweets they found was where i posted a dtiys post ("draw this in your style") which was a twitter trend where artists posted an art that they let other artists redraw, but in their style. basically you copy the art, but in your style. you don't change the general art concept. you are supposed to keep all the main details, not change them to make it look completely different. it's supposed to be recognizable as a redraw, not like a whole different art. at least that's how all the ones i saw were done. unless i misunderstood. also, you're supposed to quote retweet the original art with your art or add the link in your replies to credit the original. here's an example i just found, you can see how you're supposed to do it, how everyone does it:

so these two suddenly posted a dtiys of my art! i was surprised, and at first wasn't suspicious at all, my brain just jumped into grateful mode, so i went to thank them. before i could see it, they were deleted. i clicked the notification popup on my phone and it said no longer exists. a bit later they were reposted and stayed up longer. i waited before i responded this time and they stayed up for a while. this is when i started to get sus since i could look at the posts now. they didn't quote my original art. just posted it and @'d me.

and.....it wasn't the best art. they even both said so themselves in their posts. but mainly it wasn't good because they failed to do the prompt correctly at all. they didn't draw my art in their style. they posted an art not even slightly related to my art! i wasn't going to point this out, but thank them and move on. alex was like "hope you don't mind i changed some details" but there were no detail at all that matched mine so ??????????? it looked like they posted a random unrelated art, maybe slightly edited pretending it was a dtiys. if they did draw whole new arts,,,,,looking like they used an unrelated art they already had done explains how badly they did the whole prompt. but it's not your job to judge if they don't ask you to. so i didn't say anything about that. maybe explains why they didn't quote/link my art like everyone else who did the dtiys did. maybe they didn't want anyone to call out the fact they didn't do the dtiys it right. (but it could have also been them not wanting to give me "clout" by sharing my art with their followers?)

i didn't screenshot alex's full art since i didn't think to do it, but you can see enough of it to see it's nothing close to mine. alex and sam posted at exactly the same time as you can see from the timestamps. so they were obviously planning it together. seemed super sus. and here's my art to compare and see how they didn't do MY art in their style at all. they did a completely different art (the main focus of the art was supposed to be the big hat and the little bird on it, as well as the colors. they didn't do any of those things! it's also meant to be a messy sketch with water color where i was playing with colors. not perfect or realistic! i did this as a way to try to convince myself to NOT be a perfectionist about my art! which makes the things i was told after this so much worse....)

but ok cool. i liked/rt'd both arts. i was able to comment on one, which was alex's, but as i was trying to reply to sam's they deleted

then alex responded to my response. i didn't get a screenshot of the first reply because he deleted it soon after, but i paraphrased the best i could remember to my friends who i asked to help me figure out what was happening, so this was basically the first reply, followed by the second (and my reply to the art that was deleted as well) ((also this was before i went by "Lee" so i crossed out my old name for myself. he/him was also used and i used they/them fulltime now))

after i shared this with my friend gc to ask what they think, one friend got super defensive and said she was going to respond. i told her multiple times not to. she didn't listen because i got a notif that she responded to the thread. so i muted that thread because i said i don't want to be part of that since i told her not to. i even defended alex's pronouns because that friend kept calling him "she" and i told her to stop shitting on his art. we aren't friends anymore, but when we were, i still wasn't defending her decisions there lol so i'm not going to defend her at all now either since some of the replies were her just being mean lmao. her words are her own responsibility, it had nothing to do with me. so i won't share those.

since i muted the thread and didn't look at what they were saying to each other, i got curious and just now went back and looked up my old friend's replies so maybe i can gain some kind of clarity to the situation and make sense of it now. i can't believe what i read from alex, but also i'm not surprised. the thread was broken so might be missing stuff. so this is all that was found. but alex was showing his true colors. tori replied to the above tattoo comment:

i won't include it because it's kinda irrelevant, but alex says he's just giving advice because he apparently ~knows better~ they argued a lot with tori saying alex did the challenge wrong, alex saying he can do what he wants. and alex saying he and sam didn't like the art they did so both deleted it. tori saying there's no reason to delete and they should keep it up out of respect. and why even post it if you don't like it lmao, especially after you insulted my art. then, for no reason, alex was just being super nasty towards me/my art for no reason when i had nothing to do with what tori was saying! basically he seems to have revealed his true colors!

what does alex EVEN MEAN here. i don't understand it lmao. is he trying to say he sees why i don't have art friends because i had a protective friend group???? how's that make sense LOL and oh standing up for your friend is "disrespectful and uncalled for"?? i guess you're also disrespectful then alex. you defending sam and calling me a liar was uncalled for! hypocrite. who do you think YOU are????

ANYWAY if you hate my art so much, why the fuck did you choose that art for dtiys challenge???? why even do a dtiys of my art at all????? i had many other arts to choose from!!!! if your whole reason was just so you would be able to insult my art, then what the fuck. why bother? but alex clearly hated my art SO MUCH. so i can't understand why he chose to do it unless it was for the purpose of bullying????? especially when he and sam both admitted to not putting effort into it! even though he had to ~spend so much time fixing my mistakes~ 🙄 i'm going to puke on him. what. you can't "fix other people's mistakes" in art. it doesn't work that way.

the thread got split so i will try to put them together in order. apologies if it's confusing!

to use your own words against you alex, i don't know who you think you are but. no one made you king of art and gave you the right to judge others' LMAO "as a tattoo artist i have the right to judge--" NO YOU DONT YOU ELITIST FOOL. that's hilarious. and you called the whole thing "utterly awful" so this wasn't just about tattoos. and the contradicting himself? first saying he had to "spend hours fixing" then turns around to say "have better things to do than fix other ppl mistakes" make up your mind. did you spend hours on it or rush to finish? and you don't get to call other people's art a "mistake" lmao

next, "it's not bad to seek advice" THATS THE PROBLEM ALEX. I DID NOT ASK FOR YOUR ADVICE. did you not know it's extremely rude to give "advice" when not asked? it's rude and looked down on to criticize someone's art to their face when they didn't ask. you don't try to help if they didn't want help. (especially when it was one art i posted about being very proud of! it was like this was on purpose!) i don't think alex wanted to help at all, especially when his "advice" was about being destructive and not constructive at all. i can't learn from insults. there was no real advice. only telling someone they did wrong or bad isn't advice lmao. IF YOU ARE GOING TO CRITISIZE do NOT give DESTRUCTIVE advice by pointing out what is "bad/wrong" instead be constructive and actually say how to improve. but only if asked!!!!! alex was WAY more destructive than constructive! all he did was point out what he didn't like. the only thing i "realized" is alex thinks he's king shit, has some kind of complex where he thinks he's the best at art, thinks he has the right to judge when he does not, and sucks at giving advice lmao

also, he claims to be a tattoo artist, but i doubt that was true. i can believe a wannabe who was studying or something, but i doubt he was even a trainee who did a single tattoo before. maybe he started after, but there's no way this person was an actual tattoo artist at this time. (he better work on his attitude AND art first to be honest) i bet i've been doing art longer than he's been alive so if anyone is allowed to judge, uh i mean, give advice, it's me. but i'll be nice and not insult, um i mean, give unwanted advice about his art :)

i should go to you because you're the mod, alex? tori was wrong here. because I TRIED AND ALEX CALLED ME A LIAR WHO WAS TRYING TO START DRAMA. why would i trust you and try to talk it out again when you shut me down the first time!!!!! and ignored me in the gc until everyone else spoke up for me asking why you're ignoring me!!!!!! and he still held onto me "leaving the group chat" which is completely false. i really wish i had screenshot the gc when it suddenly cleared all messages and told me there's an error, but i did not because i genuinely thought it was a real error!

and.............*autistic facepalm* we all heard this a lot haven't we? my "BeHaViOr" lmao. put that on the autism bingo card! "scared away because of (their) behavior and ended up leaving the chat" WHAT DOES THIS MEAN. my "behavior" scared me and made me leave the gc? what????? please make sense!!!

"immature behavior that made people want to leave" who the fuck wanted to leave? most everyone was standing up for me when you and sam were ignoring me???? no one said they had a problem with me! if they did, they could come to me about it, or you could tell me. but no, no one told me ANYTHING AT ALL.

"made me uncomfortable" you and sam made ME uncomfortable lmao. so i guess we are even!

"(their) behavior meant (they were) clearly seeking attention" i don't understand how???? who was i "seeking attention" from???? IF I WANTED TO SEEK ATTENTION i would have posted my screenshots on main on twitter, making a long thread, to expose your rotten asses to all your friends!!!!!!! not keep them for nearly 5 years and dissociate the memories away, only to unlock them in therapy and post them quietly here where i doubt anyone will see it, just so i can work out the trauma you left me with. maybe i should have been "attention seeking" and exposed you to everyone!!!!!

anyway, so me asking things in the gc and getting ignored with no clarification at all, then suddenly being kicked form the gc and telling you what happened when i figured it out, all while trying to fix your poor communication problems for you is apparently seeking attention now LOL. don't make me laugh. if you got to know me at all, i am the last person to "seek attention" and rather not be perceived. but i don't take kindly to being ignored, so of course i kept asking when you refused to respond??? how is that "immature behavior" unless me explaining that i DID NOT LEAVE THE GC MYSELF is "immature behavior" to you because your bestie lied to your face. but you'll never believe me over them so that means i'm wrong i guess 🙄

"under the impression that some other person also wanted to do yoongi" alex, my guy. my bro. buddy. this is exactly where all the problems started. you can't put this all on this imaginary person who supposedly wanted to do yoongi that you had no proof even existed in the first place! the person you refused to tell me the name of when i asked, who you told me to discuss this with. but instead insisted that i wait for them to speak up first, which they did not! just TELL ME WHO THEY ARE SO WE CAN TALK IT OUT. WHY IS THAT SO HARD TO DO???? this was all while sam begged everyone else in the gc to do yoongi with them, ignoring me too. and not asking the imaginary person who claimed him "first" which can only mean no one else actually called him but me, and sam just didn't want to work with me. IF THATS THE ISSUE JUST TELL ME AND I WILL TRADE WITH SOMEONE WHAT THE FUCK. WHY WERE YOU MAKING THIS SO HARD. USE YOUR WORDS. NO ONE CAN READ YOUR MINDS. you both hoped someone else would step in to claim yoongi from me, but no one did. they all ended up being on my side instead and not helping you. cry about it.

also, if this person existed you should have put their name down on the doc but you did not, instead you said yoongi was still open to be picked for anyone, except for me apparently. i said "if no one else is doing it" the first time and no one else jumped in. i was clearly willing to give it away! if only you just talked about it with me honestly instead of playing these weird mind games..... you cannot put the blame on me here when you have worse communication skills than me, the autistic person lmao (i sear i have better communication skills than most allistics despite how much i struggle with it!)

but yeah of course, alex doesn't care if i'm autistic. he "couldn't care less and ain't gonna judge someone because of that" but this whole problem is him judging me for being autistic tbh. you don't understand autism CLEARLY since you were extremely unwilling to accommodate my communication needs (clear, straightforward, honest) and decided to play mind games instead

WHAT THE FUCK WAS THIS "BEHAVIOR" I SUPPOSEDLY HAD?!?!?!? you "never pointed it out because you didn't want me to be butthurt" (your calling ME immature and you're using "butthurt" lmao ok that's hilarious) you judge me for my "behavior" but refuse to "point out" what this behavior even is, when i NEED TO BE TOLD THINGS IN ORDER TO NOW ABOUT THEM. autism 101, try learning about it! me thinks it's an excuse because he can't actually tell me what i did wrong since there was nothing lmao

i don't like how tori worded this with the "doesn't know any better" part though. sounds like she's trying to excuse ACTUAL bad behavior, sinxe that happens all the time and i don't agree with that. it makes me angry. but she is right in that i don't know a lot of the time. IF NO ONE TELLS ME. you have to mention it to me and not expect me to read your mind! if i get no indication of how you feel based on my "behavior" then, how am i supposed to know i apparently did something wrong? (tbh i'm trying so hard to figure out what could have led to this, like what i did "wrong," because i'm the type to admit to my mistakes and try to learn fom them, and cna't even come up with anything at all. so it just sounds like pure victim blaming to me and trying to pretend he was the true victim)

but how am i supposed to know that asking why i wasn't marked down for yoongi and who this supposed other person was is "bad/immature behavior" LOL I CANNOT READ YOUR MINDS. the only other thing i said in the group chat was telling sam i loved their idea so i'd love to work with them since it looks like no one else is calling yoongi and he's the only one left. real immature of me 🙄

i know there was more, because tori was sharing some screenshots in the group chat and i remember her pointing out that sam joined in too and i think one of their other friends. they started shit talking her AND me in spanish, thinking we wouldn't understand. funny that my spanish speaking friend was reading all their replies and translating in the group chat LOL. i don't have those. i didn't screenshot the translation chats and didn't see them appear in the thread i just looked at.

after that, everything stopped i think. i don't remember anything else, so i think my crazy friends scared them off. we aren't friends anymore but i'm grateful for the help that i didn't ask for since in the end it made them leave me alone. i begrudgingly finished my art and turned it in. i decided to finish it because once i decide a thing, i stick to it, even if i'm super stressed and unhappy. but i also figured i'd be petty and not let sam have fun by getting a new partner since i didn't like whatever was happening. you're suffering with me buddy. didn't interact with them again after the collab ended. the end. alex sometimes sent messages pretending to be nice and stuff but i know it was all fake, especially after seeing the things he said to tori about me.

so.............WHAT THE FUCK. is there any explanation lmao. what was their reason? what was the purpose? i'm so confused. i want to understand them and why they did what they did (i know i will never. wanting to understand and struggling to accept i never will is a huge flaw of mine that i need to figure out how to stop, but don't know how)

i wish i had all the screenshots for better context, but at least there's a few. if someone reads this, do you have an explanation? is this a case of my autistic flaws caused a misunderstanding and i "did something wrong" in their eyes because they misunderstood, is it allistics suck at communicating even more than me and autistic person who is supposed to be the one "bad at communicating", or are they just bullies?

my conclusion is that they are bad at communication, sam threw a fit and made a mistake which they lied about, alex misunderstood and then blamed me for everything and decided i'm a bad person, so they did weird things to bully me, leading to alex saying really rude and insensitive things about me to tori when called out, playing the victim in it all when it's obvious he was in the wrong. sound about right?

[scretladyspider]

I hate America. I hate being American. “Oh you’re so free you have so much” my government regularly uses my tax dollars to fund wars — and as I write this, a genocide — without my consent. America has been at war 2/3 of my life, killing people for America’s own political power. I have no say in if my tax dollars go towards basic infrastructure and things like free healthcare or bombing innocent people who just happened to be born near something the American government wants. They constantly expand the military instead of providing healthcare and education and food to their citizens, creating such poverty that many who join the military (any branch) do so just to pay for college to try to get a better life. My government is using my tax dollars not to help the citizens of Gaza, but to supply the IDF with weapons for an ongoing massacre for a tiny strip of land that’s important in a book that was written over two thousand years ago and which no one can really agree on the meaning of anyway. Those who are deployed either don’t come back or are abandoned by the government they fought for when they do, no matter if they went because they agree with what they were ordered to do or because they were that desperate and manipulated for a better life that they were at the end of their rope. Around 130,000 - 200,000 veterans are homeless. There are no safety nets, not unless you’re rich. My government has funded murder of millions in the name of a few people getting a little bit richer and continues to do so. If you become homeless, you didn’t work hard enough, even though most jobs barely pay enough to survive. If you don’t have a savings account, or generous family, or if you lose your job, you will also be homeless. Nearly every state has “at will” employment, meaning you can be fired at any time and not given reason. Simultaneously race, gender, religion, and disability are supposedly protected under equal opportunity employment. Many in my government want to erase queer and especially trans people from existence and are trying to make it happen. If you get fired due to some type of discrimination, you need money to hire help to take your employer to court. Judges are elected but often run unopposed, but when they are opposed this can drastically effect how they rule a court case. The prison system is modern day slavery and for profit prisons are legal, and common, and just, a thing that actually exists. Medical care is decided by insurance companies, not patients and doctors. This is determined by the cost and risk factor, not what’s best for the patient. Politicians are still advocating for Israel, no matter what they do, but also doing nothing to fight rising antisemitism in the USA. Politicians decide whose vote counts where. Its “majority rule” in democracy— except for the presidency, which os decided by “electors” who are not chosen by the people and who, depending on the state, don’t have to use their electoral votes for the state’s popular vote. Police are so overpowered they often get away with murder and even laugh about it. Children are regularly massacred in schools and teachers somehow can’t understand why they don’t want to do their homework or are acting out in class. People who want gun control are treated as being just as extreme as the people who can’t recognize that their defense of their “hobby” has killed countless people and will kill again and safety from gun violence shouldn’t be a matter of luck. My government is ignoring an ongoing pandemic which has killed and disabled millions of people already. Corporations decide my rights on their own interests by how much money they give what politicians. Studies have been done, and what the people want isn’t likely to pass because money is what matters most. My government is backing the current president of Israel, who has defended the choice to bomb hospitals. I am not proud to be an American. Why would I be? This is broken.

[rphelperblog]

Cress Book Quote Rp Meme

book three in the LC series by Marissa Meyer- feel free to edit quotes or change pronouns for rp purposes

“I promise, I will not let you die without being kissed.”

“Don’t tell me it took you two whole days to realize that you are in love with me. I must be losing my touch.”

“You can help me pick out a tiara when we’re done saving the world.”

“Right. I’m sure that poor etiquette is the number one reason for most failed revolutions.”

"I know you can hear me. I'm sorry my friend is such a wing nut. You can just ignore him."

"Do you think it was destiny that brought us together?"

"It starts with kidnapping the groom."

"The sky is gorgeous, intense blue color."

“Have you given any thought to your wedding vows?”

“Delete anything that has to do with love, respect, or joy, and I’ll sign on the dotted line.”

“I believe it is the mark of a great leader to question the decisions that came before him.”

“It turns out you are worth a lot of money on the black market.”

"Do you ever think before you speak?"

“Maybe great, epic romances don't just happen. We have to make them ourselves.”

“Wow, when you research, you really research, don't you?”

“So I’m going there, and I’m going to start a revolution.”

“If you honestly believe that then you really don't recognize true value when you see it.”

"Oh. Um. In a constellation, the brightest star is called the alpha. I thought maybe you meant that she's…like…your brightest star.

“Maybe there isn’t such a thing as fate. Maybe it’s just the opportunities we’re given, and what we do with them. I’m beginning to think that maybe great, epic romances don’t just happen. We have to make them ourselves.”

“You know, when I was a kid, I was tricked into thinking that princesses wore tiaras and hosted tea parties. Now that I've met a real princess, I must say, I'm kind of disappointed.”

"Is she blushing? She sounds like she's blushing."

"That is the best idea ever. Count me in.”

"Can we get back to these soldiers that are being rounded up, please?"

“Could you describe all those threats again because I feel like I missed something.”

"Very wanted criminal of me too.”

"Are you having a mental breakdown right now?”

"Maybe there's a little bit of a hero in me after all. But… really. Only a little.”

“Yeah, hold that thought while I go disable the speaker system.”

“Oh, for all the stars."

“Never underestimate the stealth of a criminal mastermind.”

"I prefer damsel in distress,"

“You’re not looking.”

“We are experiencing a level-one security breach and all elevators have been temporarily shut down. Please enjoy a hot cup of tea while we wait for clearance.”

“Oh, yeah, she’s great. I mean, half the people in the world want to kill her and the other half want to chain her to a throne on the moon, which is just what she’s always wanted. So she’s fantastic.”

“You know, if it was a bad kiss, you can just say so.”

“Everyone is trying to impress everyone else. Trying to make themselves out to be smarter or more confident than they actually are.”

I hate to break this to you, but I am sweaty and itchy and haven't brush my teeth in two days. This just isn't a good time for romance.”

“I like to maintain an air of mystery.”

“That’s not at all what I … Wait. Did you think it was a bad kiss?”

“We were going to die, you know.”

“Because the palace walls have been bleeding for years, and no one else sees it.”

“Don't try to push your swoony psychodrama on me.”

“It would be like those epic love affairs that exploded into existence and burned white hot for all eternity. The type of love that time and distance and death couldn't seperate”

“All right, damsel. Send over those coordinates.”

"I think I am in love with you."

“Maybe there isn’t such a thing as fate. Maybe it’s just the opportunities we’re given, and what we do with them.”

“We are obviously soul mates. Now please, stand up.”

“You’ve probably told lots of girls you loved them.”

“Well, yeah, but I would have reconsidered if I’d known you were going to hold it against me.”

“It was kind of nice to know that they were both wrong."

“For my next trick, I will win a staring contest with the moron in orange sunglasses.”

“Good. Because I need you. And those are not words that I throw around every day.”

“Although. . . somehow, I always pictured the princess . . . I don't know. In a dress.”

“She was a girl. A living girl, smart and sweet and awkward and unusual, and she was worth far more than they could ever realize.”

“I serve my princess. No one else.”

“I am not happy with this turn of events."

“Well, it’s annoying and we’re running out of time. Come on.”

"You'd rather take your chances with her?"

“Then stop going comatose on me!”

“He’s just gone inside to be heroic. I’m sure he’ll be glad to know you’re here. I believe he’s under the impression that you’re out in space somewhere.”

“It always came back to love. More than freedom, more than acceptance—love. True love, like they sang about in the second era. The kind that filled up a person's soul. The kind that lent itself to dramatic gestures and sacrifices. The kind that was irresistible and all-encompassing.”

“I just needed some time to figure out who I was … am.”

"Because if I'd ruined that for you, I was going to feel like such a cad.”

“I can’t let anyone else die,”

“What do you suggest? You clearly know all about this political revolution stuff, so please enlighten me, O wrinkled one.”

“The only way through this is to fight.”

“She deserved it, the snake. After keeping my little golden bird locked up in her cage for so long.”

“I just think I’m not the best person to demonstrate all the goodness humanity has to offer. I don’t want you to be too disappointed when you realize that.”

“That you’re lonely, and I’m irresistible?”

“He did, in fact, look like a romance hero, all muscles and edges and chiseled bone structure. He also looked miserable.”

“Our country was built on a foundation of equality and togetherness, not prejudice and hatred.”

“When Rapunzel saw the prince, she fell over him and began to weep, and her tears dropped into his eyes”

No more secrets. I don't know if I can survive any more big reveals from you, so if you have anything else to tell me, out with it. Right now."

this is sweet, but aren’t I the first guy you’ve ever met? Come on, up you go.”

“She would have freedom, and friendships, and purpose. And she would be with him.”

“Because if there was one thing she knew about heroes, it was that they could not resist a damsel in distress. And she was nothing if not in distress.”

“Love. It always came back to love. More than freedom, more than acceptance—love. True love, like they sang about in the second era. The kind that filled up a person’s soul. The kind that lent itself to dramatic gestures and sacrifices. The kind that was irresistible and all-encompassing.”

I'm almost afraid to ask, Your Majesty."

“As it turned out, being human was every bit as much fun as she'd always thought it would be.”

[spookyboywhump]

I can relate to the frustration, but assuming this is about politics, I don't think "lesser of two evils" is a deep moral statement people believe in on a philosophical level, but just a way to cope with begrudgingly voting for a party that's the obvious choice given the only realistic alternative. It's a roundabout way of signaling how bad the implied "greater evil" is, and it pops up every election season, only to die down, since it's rooted in pragmatism rather than some serious moral shit. When (progressive) people in the US vote, don't they do it with an understanding that at the end of the day they'll either have to live under a government led by the "war crimes and some welfare here and there" party or the "50x the war crimes and also we need to start killing as many trans people as possible" party? Even in terms of foreign policy alone, there is not a single thing on the republican agenda that wouldn't be like, at least ten times worse (unless someone's idea of "good" is just maximizing the amount of brown people that die). And domestically? Holy shit. I don't want to spiral down into a rant on how fucked the mind of an average conservative lawmaker is, but we both know that for some marginalized people democratic rule vs. republican rule is literally life vs. death.

Just to be clear I ain’t trying to start an argument or nothing this is just my opinion on shit going on in the world.

After seeing so many people say “I know he’s committing genocide and I don’t like it either but you HAVE to vote for Biden, you HAVE to vote for the lesser of two evils” I cannot take it anymore. After seeing people yell “four more years” over people protesting an actual genocide I cannot take it anymore. I am tired of Biden being treated like he can do no wrong, and any wrong he does do should be ignored simply because “Trump Worse™️”.

I have reached the point where I don’t give a shit who wins the presidency, I care about pretty much everything under that down to small local elections. It ain’t really that I’m one of those people who thinks voting Doesn’t Work, I think it can, I think people need to worry about more than just who becomes president though. I think both candidates are evil, and I want the people who represent me and my state to be there when they’re committing evil to speak out against it. I want smaller politicians who actually have to listen to the people voting for them to run in the best interests of those like me and I want them in power in whatever office they’re running for. I think people put all their effort into the presidential candidates and ignore other elections that can still make change, even just in their home town.

I personally however cannot put my support behind this bastard after watching all this. I am tired of watching people defend him, when he wants to bypass all this shit to send weapons to Israel it’s whatever, but when it comes to Roe v Wade being overturned, when it comes to states trying to criminalize transgender people existing at all, when it comes to kids in cages, suddenly he’s “doing his best” and he “doesn’t actually have that much power”. I find this to be a somewhat selfish take given the severity of things in Gaza and other places but all that money he’s sending to Israel could work fucking miracles for those vulnerable minority populations here. Everything I was told to fear would happen in 2016 has happened since 2020. Everything we were told would be fixed in 2020 was swept under the rug and any criticisms of it were met with “Oh, so you’d rather have Trump as president???”.

I’m a mixed Mexican transgender man. I live in Texas. I’m capable of bearing children. I am becoming more disabled by the day since October of 2023. And I don’t trust neither presidential candidate to protect me and those like me, I don’t trust neither one as far as I could throw them. I know people are gonna vote for Biden anyway, I can’t realistically tell people what to do and who to vote for, but I do think we have a responsibility to hold him accountable, we should speak up against war crimes, as long as he’s saying the US stands with Israel, we need to be shouting that we sure as fuck do not. We cannot continue to let this fear of trump hypothetically becoming president make us feel like we have to look the other way when this president is currently, actively helping to commit genocide.