#the best i can DO on ANY given day is TRY. because i am DISABLED and UNMEDICATED and TRAUMATISED and nobody;s willing to Listen to me about

[covid-safer-hotties]

To My Unmasked Friend in the Fifth Year of COVID - By: Anna Holmes - Published Aug 17, 2024

I’m going to be honest with you, because I love you, and you deserve nothing but honesty. I’m going to try really hard not to be angry while I do it, but it’s probably going to slip out every now and again. But I need you to hear me out, all right?

By now, we’ve talked about my reality. My personal struggle with long COVID, the isolation I live in, why I am so angry all the time.

But let’s talk about you. You just went to a big convention overseas. You got on a plane, got a little gussied up, talked shop with some insiders, geeked out over awards and merch, ate, drank, were merry, left with your social cup and your heart full.

You’re a good person. We wouldn’t be friends otherwise! You’d never dream of tripping a person with a red and white cane, using the r-word, excluding a disabled person from an event because of something they can’t help.

You might even acknowledge that the COVID response from governments and organizations has been ableist and inadequate.

But you didn’t wear a mask.

For whatever reason — you wanted to show off your makeup, it makes you itchy, you believed the messaging that COVID is endemic (what does that actually mean?), you just don’t think about it anymore — you made a choice that actively excludes people like me from participating not only in an event like a convention, but society at large. And yes, it is a choice. Every time you step out into the world without a mask on your face, you have made a decision that your very good reason, whatever it is, supersedes the right of disabled and at-risk people to exist safely in your orbit.

Well, hold on, you say. It’s not any one individual’s fault, it’s the inadequate public health messaging. Isn’t that what you’ve been saying?

And I have. In the past, I have talked about how it is unconscionable that health authorities have thrown their hands up and rescinded guidance that would have saved hundreds of thousands of lives and prolonged a pandemic that, to hear them tell it, has been bested. It hasn’t. Worst of all, the financial motivation that we all know is driving this premature victory lap isn’t even being fulfilled. Long COVID and other post-COVID complications are costing the global economy one trillion a year. Meanwhile, article after article handwrings about nobody wanting to work anymore, about the sagging college application scene, about declines in military enlistment, and the strain on our healthcare systems.

All of this is very much the fault of our leaders, who have decided the political ramifications of “normalcy” are more important than the health and lives of the 400 million people living with long COVID across the globe, the immunocompromised folks who are increasingly being shut out of every conceivable public space, and the disabled community which has been screaming into the wind about our marginalization since before the virus even hit US soil.

But I want to be very clear. You are helping them do this.

The reality is that we have been living in this deeply flawed landscape of “personal choice”, and you’ve made yours. You’ve opted not to look into how densely clustered cases are. You’ve stopped listening to your friends who have informed themselves. You’ve given yourself permission to put COVID on the back burner. You’ve earned it, right? Four and a half years of trauma?

COVID doesn’t care if you’re tired of being scared or careful or considerate. COVID is not something you can personally overcome by being smart or virtuous or brave. It is a virus which only seeks to infect and replicate, and it is getting very good at those things. While you’ve looked away, my community has been scrambling to avoid variants that skirt immunity and don’t show up on rapid tests until day five-seven. The constant battle has changed since you were last in it. It’s not sufficient anymore to get your shots and test before a big event. You could well be asymptomatic and infectious, or have symptoms and convinced yourself it can’t be COVID because that second line hasn’t popped up.

You have come to the conclusion sometime between 2022 and now that you just have to decide what level of risk you’re comfortable with and live with it. The problem with that is scale. It’s you and everybody else doing that, and a lot of people have decided they are comfortable with a high level of risk. Despite what you’ve been told, you’re not just making that decision for yourself. You are making it for every person you come in contact with.

Think back to the early tense days of 2020. We were told to select a “bubble.” Those people would be our social lifelines, and through those, we could control our exposure.

My bubble is quite small. It includes my husband, my sister, and two friends I see relatively frequently.

My husband goes to work via the bus, and to the grocery store. Every person he comes in contact with there has the potential to infect him, and then he has the potential to pass it along to me. He mitigates this by wearing a well-fitted respirator at all times.

My sister goes to work at a busy public place. She masks when public facing and takes it off in the back office. She goes to restaurants, bars, concerts, hangs out with friends and her own partner unmasked. About 75% of her interactions have the heightened potential to infect her, which she might then bring into my house when she visits me.

My friends do not mask anywhere except my house when asked. They attend concerts, shows, cons, bars.

Obviously, I am in control of whether I wear a mask around these people. And as we approach one million new cases a day, I will be around everyone but my husband. But science is clear: reciprocal masking is more effective at infection control than a single person masking — especially when that single person is trying to protect themselves, not others.

This is settled science. We’ve known this since 2020. It says clearly that the choice you make is not personal- it has implications for everyone you come in contact with.

And being clear — if I could, I’d make everyone wear a mask for their own health. I don’t want people suffering with what I have. But you’ve been told this lie that you can take your risks for yourself, so you feel comfortable going out without a mask. You’ve been told this lie that it’s possible to completely recover from a COVID infection, so you assume that even if you do catch it, that’s what’ll happen to you, despite evidence showing that every body is indelibly changed by an infection, and that risk only grows with each subsequent infection.

And the greatest lie of all — that only the sick or elderly have anything to fear from COVID — has given you unfounded confidence in your own “good” genes or immune system or fitness. You can get long COVID even if you’re in peak form — in fact, may even be more likely to be hit hard.

So you have decided, individually and collectively, that only the sick or elderly should have to take precautions, and you freewheel through life, only to get surprised and dismayed when you bump into COVID in the wild. It’s back, people declare every summer or winter, as though it ever left.

But I want you to really think about the implications of your choice. Besides yourself. Because let’s be honest here, that’s who you’ve been thinking about, right? Your risk. Your comfort. Never mind your bubble, never mind the bubble of everyone you come into contact with, never mind the people like me who are literally hiding from people like you.

You’re not masking at the doctor’s office. You’re not masking at the airport. You’re not masking at the giant superspreader you just attended, and you’re not masking in the bars and restaurants where we know the virus flourishes. And then you’re bringing that exposure back to your family and friends. Back to the grocery store, where you run across people like my husband, shopping for someone who is unsafe to leave the house, or your elderly neighbors, or an immunocompromised employee.

You’re a good person, or you like to think of yourself that way. That’s why when you’re asked to mask, you dismiss it out of hand — because that changed behavior implies that you’ve been doing something wrong.

And my friend, I’m telling this because I love you: you have been. You might have been doing that on faulty information, but be honest with yourself and with me — you’ve heard me begging people to take this seriously. You’ve seen the information I’ve been sharing. You have had the opportunity to seek out the correct information all along, and you have chosen not to.

It isn’t too late to change your view of the risk you’re imposing on the people around you. It’s not too late to push public health to become more effective. It’s not too late to act in solidarity and be the inclusive person you think you are. It’s not too late to take care of yourself.

Ultimately, that’s what I have been screaming myself hoarse about. I don’t want you to end up with what I have. I don’t want you to inadvertently impose that on someone else. And yes, I’ve been angry, because you’ve been advertising your absolute lack of concern with group shots of your naked faces on social media. It doesn’t seem to bother you that I am stuck at home like it’s 2020, except for doctors’ appointments that I literally have to risk my life to go to. You’ve told yourself that it’s not your problem, because only the sick and elderly have to take precautions.

You know better. You can do better. For your community, yourself, and me, do better.

Please. I love you.

Anna

PS. If you’re feeling upset and embarrassed right now, the best thing you can do is take action. Get yourself good masks (the surgicals and cloth ones don’t cut it anymore), donate to mask blocs so others can access good masks, write to your representatives and the President, comment on upcoming CDC guidance, schedule yourself a booster, and talk to your loved ones about doing better, too. The only way we get out of this is with community care. So care.

[interact-if]

Pride Month Feature #1: Grey Swan Birds of a Rose

As part of Pride Month, interact-IF will be interviewing LGBTQ+ authors and featuring their games! We are planning a line-up of approximately ~10 interviews, kickstarted by our first author, @reinekes-fox!

Game: Grey Swan — Birds of a Rose (Play Demo)

Tags: dark academia, drama, angst

Synopsis: Born and raised in a cult there is not much but the norm to follow, when outsiders are allowed in and bring with them such weird concepts like "bisexuality" and "mental illness", will you stay in the golden cage of the Divine Flock or break free?

Author: Aaron (@reinekes-fox)

About me: Been writing since I am 12 and… somehow never stopped! I put a big focus on platonic routes, the struggle in a world focused on romance (and in the cult setting on traditional gender roles as well) , since I am aroace :)

Read on for an awesome interview about the hydra-like nature of branching IFs, friendships being given just as much importance as romance routes, and a really intriguing pride month book rec!

Big thanks again to Aaron for taking time to do this. Read on for the interview!

Tell me more about yourself!

So I write since pretty much my entire life. But the first time I had to write something for school, Irefused. Funnily enough, it was about a talking bird trying to convince a child to let them out of a cage. I am currently also writing a traditional book!

2. Can you tell me a bit about what you’re working on right now and your journey into interactive fiction?

My main focus is on the first entry of my Grey Swan series: Birds of a Rose! I stumbled upon Choice of Games a couple years back (I still remember Choice of the Dragon without scrolling down), and finally decided to write out of the best reason: spite. Because the WIPs I liked kept being abandoned so I told myself I would do better! To this day, two years later, I am proud that I achieved that.

3. What are some of the most rewarding or challenging aspects of writing Interactive Fiction for you?

My most rewarding and challenging aspect is the branching, I describe it like a Hydra. It is easily the most challenging aspect (I have an entire file for it, just so that I don't forget any of that) and the most rewarding as I love to see my story grow in ways that don't feel forced.

4. How do you go about portraying queer characters, queer experiences, or queer storylines in your IF?

Now my story is very, very dark and even cishet people in it do get a fair amount of angst and drama, so most routes do focus on: finding a place in society, trying to either break down who you are to fit in or to look for a more accepting place elsewhere (even if it means leaving most you knew and loved behind)!

Otherwise I simply portray them as characters with needs and wants first, before they are queer. I also put a special focus on friendships (aro and ace routes counting towards that), since so often those are seen as lesser than romantic routes!

5. Any books, music, movies etc. you’re obsessed with at the moment, or which changed your life (or perspectives on something)?

Now, this also fits the pride month! The book Songbirds of Valnon by L.S. Baird.

It is so beautiful I had to stop and almost cry multiple times. It literally changed how I approach worldbuilding and I will always add a bit of it in all of my works. I can only recommend it, it is very much the opposite of my stories (it isn't nearly as dark for example), so if you want: badass disability rep, choir boys with magic, holy soldiers and a really awesome world, check it out! (She has also written other books, but, turns out writing yourself limits the time one can spend reading which is a shame!)

6. If you were to say one thing to your readers, other authors, and/or the interactive fiction community: what would it be?

Give feedback. Most often IF authors work full time, study full time, have an actual private life. I sacrifice most of my free time since two years to work on BoaR, and while I don’t regret it, it can feel very disheartening to not receive feedback for my work (on top of my actual work) and (like any creative person) it makes me immensely happy seeing it recognised.

---- Stay tuned for Pride Month Interview Feature #2 and #3 coming up this weekend!

[shizdrone]

Disability [and lack thereof] in Our Life

whoag it's time for a long post. and i mean a looong post. not only that, but there's no pretty pictures for you to look at. strap in.

DISCLAIMER [MANDATORY READING]:

This isn't some epic takedown of Our Life or GBPatch or anything like that. It's a great game with a great team behind it, and I am a happy fan. I'm just a guy with a interest in disability-related topics, so it made sense for me to look at a game I like under a lens I like and post my thoughts. Any perceived injustices are moreso reflective of general societal ignorance and I do not believe is indicative of any notable views of specific people. Go support the games and buy the DLCs, they're wonderful. Also, remember that I am one relatively unqualified guy. This hasn't been proofread, either, because I suppose my friends were a bit daunted by reading a 7k+ word yap. As you read, please keep in mind that it is a very real possibility that I am talking out of my ass. Please don't try and weaponise this post or its topics, mostly because that's actively harmful to everybody and is a dickhead thing to do, but also because, should I be misguided, you'll have egg on your face too. If it turns out this post was unproductive for the community, I'm nuking this post and fighting all of you. Lastly, I am aware the way I speak can be naturally authoritative and a bit scary to oppose - this isn't how I want to come across! I'm doing my best to have a neutral, if not constructive, tone here. However, it doesn't come to me very naturally, especially with topics I have a lot of interest in like this one. Please try not to read anything as hostile or judgemental or looking down, because that's really not how I feel.

cutting to the chase as much as i can because i imagine you're all already familiar, our life is fundamentally a game series with an inclusive and "feel-better" premise. players are given the space to express themselves and their diverse natures, and act through both comforting and uncomforting scenarios with the safety that things turn out well at the end of the day. in terms of minority representation, we mostly see this focus placed on queer topics - choosing and changing your own identity, expressing your joys and concerns, having other characters visibly express themselves and go through their own journies, etc. not all minority groups are given equal limelight - this is inevitable and is by no means an inherently unjust thing in isolation (especially given the game's primary focus on relationships, where queer topics are going to be most relevant). however, i do find that while most minority groups can easily find themselves in this series, disabled people comparatively struggle to be seen.

Pre-existing Disabled Representation

Cove Holden

i'm doing another disclaimer: i'm an autistic person talking about an autistic character. so, while i do hold some level of importance on this topic, my views, praises, and concerns reflect only myself and my own experiences. lots of people love cove from an autism lens and that is a testament to the power of the character. if i see even a single one of you read my criticisms and start shouting "cove is bad autistic rep it's official" i'm going to bash you over the head with a comically big stick as hard as i can.

cove is a character i can't quite embrace the same way other people can. that's not to say he's not my favourite our life character (bar liz) - he is in fact my husband. but when talking about autism rep, he's not one i go to in most cases. in fact, when playing our life for the first time, when the diagnosis drop happened in step 4 my initial reaction was "eh, i don't see it myself but sure". this mostly semmed from that, to me, cove feels like a sanitised version of a very archetypical "shorthand" portrayal, for lack of better term. i'll go over what i mean in a sec.

official sources have been inconsistent on cove's nature - sometimes, it's been stated that he was not initially written to be autistic, but somewhere around step 2-3 it begun to make sense to place this label onto cove and future moments were written with this explicitly in mind. but other times, it's been stated that cove was planned to be autistic from the very start. both of these possibilities are fine - lots of the best autistic portrayals, in my opinion, come from people who aren't thinking about autism so much as thinking about the people they know and the struggles they face, not drawing connection to any disability. personally, i'm more inclined to believe the former - looking back on the game, step 1 doesn't really contain much in the way of elements that feel intentional, while from step 2 onwards now i know the dev intent i can easily identify specific moments that were clearly written with the goal to bring these topics to the forefront.

now, to set a positive foundation for what i have to say, i'll be clear for a sec: when we consider the dev's intent, cove is a wonderful case of a positive autistic character. what struggles cove faces are treated seriously but not world-endingly, he is treated with the autonomy, grace, and respect he should be getting in the utopia-esque setting. but he's also not treated like glass by the writer, either - your families in good nature tease him for his clinginess as they will tease every other kid, and he's put into situations that he's not as comfortable with and given the space to express that without it being flipped to an extreme. not only that, but his autistic traits are given a healthy amount of screentime without being a substitute for his underlying personality. many characters forget to have traits that aren't linked to the disability, or will very clearly have Disabled Traits and Abled Traits. cove comfortably has a wide variety of personality traits, some of which are a direct consequence of autism (eg; special interest in the ocean), some of which are unrelated (eg; slurping drinks when mad), and some of which are informed by his lived autistic experience without being a direct consequence (eg; fowardness). in terms of execution, he's fairly good, and in terms of respect, many could learn from how he's handled.

the two things i don't vibe with on cove are firstly the nature of his autism in the context of the game, and then the consistency of his expression of this autism. i'll go over the first one first, as that's a fucking minefield and you'll have to bear with me for my hesitancy and slipups.

when we consider the setting of our life beginnings & always, we have to confront that, as you'll soon see, cove is our only non-cameo disabiltiy rep and only confirmed disability rep. as such, he's in a very tricky situation from the getgo. in all practicality, for lack of a less charged term, he's a token character - he alone props up all of the (intentional) disability representation, and all disability themes and portrayals (bar the cameo characters who i'll discuss later) have to be handled and digested through him.

it's for this reason that i feel very underwhelmed by his lack of "unclean" symptoms. what i mean by that is that whenever we see cove's autism as something explicitly expressed, it's something non-challenging for the audience that neatly fits into "quirky" or "awkward" or similar terms. he's got a particular interest in the ocean, he's socially blunt, he struggles to handle the soiree as a teenager (but can handle the [if i am not mistaken] similarly demanding charity event as an adult). all of this is very easy to digest as something that's only a tad atypical, that "ordinary" people might do - especially when filtered through the exaggerative lens of fiction, which does usually intensify personality traits for the sake of better communicating a character in a short amount of time.

unfortunately, disabilities are in fact a disability. as such, while for many this sort of thing is perfectly fine especially in such a positive setting, for me, when a depiction lacks anything challenging it feels vapid and lacking in substance to me. we don't see anything that might be considered less accepting members of the public might consider "weird" in a disparging sense (his ocean interest could be argued as this but i'm talking about things that the average person wouldn't consider shallow), like echolalia or strict needs for routine. and we most certainly don't see anything that would be considered taboo, like meltdowns (granted, i can see the difficulty in portraying this in a game like our life, but no shutdowns either?), rsd, or major difficulties with handling change (as in, beyond what an average person would have - i find it very hard to believe cove's nature in step 1 is atypical for an 8 year old in this situation!). without these elements, which are what defines autism as something beyond just a novel character trait and instead a fundamental disadvantage i face, it's hard for me to really see his autism as the disability i know and experience rather than a personality quirk.

this is also what i mean when i call cove a "shorthand" depiction. while extra little tidbits are thrown about in q&as and whatnot that might add a bit of extra spice here and there, his portrayal in the game focuses on only a few specific stereotypes that quickly communicate the intent of the character being autistic without actually interrogating the complexities. we don't see lesser known symptoms like hearing issues (apd represent 😤), gastrointestinal problems, or identity diffusion. we also don't see traits that require more dedicated time to convey or explore, like heightened sense of justice (NOT to be confused with a better developed sense of justice), the aforementioned meltdowns+shutdowns, or sensory needs (bar one which i will discuss in my next point). he is, in a way, a bullet point list of the most easily identified traits - what the masses see autism as and what can easily be identified with, but lacking in any individuality. this is another big part of why i am more inclined to believe that cove stumbled into his position as an autistic character - he neatly lines up with the stereotypes fiction likes to use to convey a certain uncomfortable-around-people heart-of-gold loner archetype that many people then place an autism label onto, without having many deeper levels that would imply heavy intent was baked into the character from the getgo.

(i should also note this does not mean that cove's lack of complexity is necessarily "inaccurate" or whatnot. autism is a spectrum disorder - it presents in each person differently, and not equally. rather, my point is that for the only character in olba to see myself and my friends in, he offers little to make me feel like the uglier parts of us are accepted as well as the photogenic parts, and partially as a consequence of that, there's not very much to his autistic portrayal that i feel capitalises as well as it could from the unique benefits of being in a "feel better" type game.)

my second issue is much easier to discuss - cove's autistic traits do occasionally come and go as the narrative demands. that's not in reference to things that will change with energy and mood, nor is it in reference to things that coping mechanisms can be reasonably built for, but rather i refer specifically to traits that should be fairly stagnant. the most egregious of this to me is his clothing - cove very consistently wears short sleeved clothes, and usually shorts (although sometimes trousers), along with being barefoot most of the time. even in some formal settings, like working at the library, he seems to roll his sleeves up as much as he can get away with. this checks out with certain tactile sensory needs, which is really cool to see as a way to show cove's needs in a way that both is treated as completely normalised and doesn't require any special exposition. however, this trait of his conveniently gets forgotten whenever we need him to look particularly presentable - namely, at the soiree, step 4 formal event, and his wedding (also his pyjamas, but w/e, and his wetsuit, which idk if you can really get away without that or how those feel in that scenario). i'm the opposite to cove - i aim to be covered up as much as possible - so i'm unsure what the sensations are like in some of these scenarios. but surely for his wedding, which is the most important day of his life after he's been diagnosed, he should be wearing clothes that he's comfortable in?

overall: very positive portrayal that goes much beyond what most competition does! that cannot be ignored! however, in the context of his place as the only canonically disabled character in the game, i find that we much more often see his disability portrayed only in its cleanest and most basic forms, more akin to a personality trait. so, under the premise of this post - disability within our life - i struggle to place much value on him.

(sidenote 1: if i'm not mistaken, it's been confirmed that while genetic components of cove's autism would come from cliff's side of the family, cliff himself is not autistic, so he will not be discussed here as he is for all intents and purposes canonically abled) (sidenote 2: i owe anybody who depicts cove with a short sleeved wedding suit my eternal soul. Please. I know aesthetically that's a tough ask but he deserves freedom)

Qiu Lin

another disabled love interest! very very good to see. and from what we can see so far, qiu lin is significantly less stereotypical than the usual Epic Zoomer Super Energy bullshit we often see, which is REALLY good to see. given how many adhd characters in fiction seem perfectly okay with belittling the concept down to "permanent sugar rush" or "internet addicted redditor" or whatnot, they're immediately ahead of a lot of the competition.

however, i do still notice that they have a bit of that "shorthand" nature cove had (it is, after all, what allowed me to catch onto qiu being dev-intended to be adhd before the announcement was made). obviously, being autistic and not having adhd, i have more familiarity with the intricacies and easier-to-miss elements of autism than adhd and hold little extra value in my insight over a generic NT member of the public, but so far i still notice little to qiu's presentation except "loses things" currently. granted, it's early days so for how little we know about qiu currently that's partially to be expected, and i understand that the team has dedicated sensitivity readers for this. i look forward to hopefully seeing some interesting things being done with their character, especially as the wombo combo of disabled + queer + foreign has a BUNCH of interesting interactions with each other that really do deserve to be explored.

Oma/Opa?

we don't have anything to go off of here yet. however, being old characters, we'll likely see some generic Old Person traits here, arthritis, chronic pain, mobility difficulties, etc. these are still disabilities even if you're old! however, i do expect that the game isn't going to integrate these as disablities so much as more shorthand for a character being old. this can be fine - i don't want to give the impression that every disability has to be given a big spotlight and be an important element and whatnot. in some cases, a character being disabled as a footnote and it having no or heavily limited on-screen depiction can be empowering in its own way, an extension of the idea of normalisation and a firm stance of "oh this doesn't impact me in the story we're telling so who cares". however, the reason i note this obsfucated nature with hesitation is because of the combination of heavily limited disability rep and the intended inclusive nature of our life. given the speculative nature of everything, however, i don't have much more to say here. it's very much just me shrugging my shoulders and noting that there's a slight amount of potential here, but i'm uncertain about it all.

Shiloh/Jeremy/Pran?

i'll be honest, i feel a bit out of my depth here and don't really want to interrogate these characters too much under a disability lens. they're throwaway cameo characters from a different series with a much different outlook, they aren't really written with hardcore disability narratives beyond "they're Difficult Kids[tm]" in mind as far as i am aware and instead simply happen to easily slot into an ND lens when we discuss this topic. (of course there's whole conversations about whether confirmed diagnosises matter vs simply registering their displayed behaviours and anti-psychiatry and all that but that's WAY out of the scope of this post and deserves better read people than me to discuss that anyway) i think at times their difference in tone from being cameos means their presentation, particularly in ol1, lends to villainisation for their nature. that doesn't inherently mean that disliking them is morally wrong or whatnot. after all, i'm not going to make out that i like shiloh; his very obsfucated nature does not mesh with me at all. but the characters who need the most accomodation and consideration also being the characters the community is most encouraged to dislike (eg; the only two characters you can punch in olba are jeremy and shiloh, if i recall correctly) does rub me the wrong way when i interrogate the game under this lens. from what i can tell, pran won't lean in as hard into being antagonistic, which i'm happy about.

(you'll notice that i haven't noted characters who wear glasses/contacts, like pamela and tamarack. there is a solid case that i should be noting these, however i personally feel that these present moreso as aesthetic traits, especially in a society that often forgets that glasses are a form of disability aid. in other words, while i would be inclined to say that a game whose cast composed of cane users is, in terms of its social commentary, a primarily disabled cast, i'd hesitate to say a cast of glasses wearers are expressing the same minority focus without having been given any further proof that the underlying vision issues are a major theme of the characters. that being said, it must still be acknolwedged that tamarack in particular does have the potential to meaningfully express her vision issues, which would make her qualify under my lens.)

across the 2-7 characters across the series, only 2 of which are confirmed(!!! in ol1 alone, we have at least 7 on-screen canonically queer characters off the top of my head, and potentially more i'm forgetting), of which only 2 are potentially physically disabled. in olba, we have 0 physically disabled characters, and 50% of the characters who can take on a "villainous" role (step 1 liz/step 3+4 baxter/jeremy/shiloh - people who you can clash heavily with to paint as the antagonist of your story), under the lens i am offering, toe uncomfortably into personality disorder topics (with no non-"villainous" alternatives). this, being blunt and honest, isn't great for a game that puts inclusivity as one of its primary themes, esp when the game is far more varied and consistently positive on other fronts.

[I WOULD LIKE TO SCREAM AGAIN THAT THIS IS NOT AN ACCUSATION OF ILL INTENT OR ABLEISM OR WHATNOT. THIS IS ALMOST CERTAINLY JUST A BYPRODUCT OF THE CULTURAL BLIND SPOTS THAT ALL OF US, INCLUDING YOU DEAR READER, HAVE]

while this will be slightly more controversial, i'm also not big on the variety of disabilities we're seeing. in terms of non-antagonistic characters, our three options are an autistic character, an adhd character, and two old people who i am presuming will have generic Old People Disabilities in lieu of other evidence. i'm not going to get into the complexities of it all here, as that's a subject you could write an actual essay on, but these are generally things already well recognised and mostly accepted within the community and its target audience. autism and adhd recognition are both exceedingly popular online, and old people being physically disabled in archetypical "bad bones" ways is par for the course for most people. in terms of groups who aren't already doing (relatively) well in these spaces - young physically disabled people, mental disabilities beyond audhd, physical disabilities that don't convenience the rest of us with flexibility and independence - there's only crumbs to work with.

Why Official Disabled Characters Matter

this is an easy one - it's for the same reason that every other minority group matters. approx ~10% of the 20-34 year old age demographic in the EU are disabled. add on the bias that the internet provides, being a space for inclusion and interaction for people who life and/or society give a hard time to (along with the extra concentrated audience we'll see around games to live a vicarious fantasy through like our life), and it's not unreasonable to assume a meaningful degree of the ol fandom are disabled. the idea that minority characters in our life and in general are good to have shouldn't be new to any of you, so let's instead ask a question about the most common counter-argument seen in these sorts of stories - why should specifically disability, which brings with it inherent hardships, be in our life, a game about positivity?

fortunately, we can immediately note that our life is a feel better game, not a feel good game. it's set in a world very much like our own, where there are societal injustices and unfair hands dealt to people. this means we get to avoid the long arguments about disabled people in utopian settings and whatnot - the setting already is one where disabled people should exist, no questions asked.

as a product of being a game about happy resolutions rather than happy journeys, our life is fertile ground for extremely meaningful disability representation. it offers a safe space for these topics to be explored without the stress of uncertain outcomes. even in scenarios where things aren't going to be fixed, they are going to be okay and life is going to be good. this, when applied to disability (where the problem is not exclusively a societal one and can stem from the self in a way other topics can't), is powerful.

we also see themes very much adjacent to this already explored. trans mcs are given the space to be uncomfortable with their body in a way that can't be changed, and the game will both acknowledge this and ensure that things are still good while respecting that fact. and characters like terry, renee, qiu show that people who face these problems are a part of the world, and that people like them do truly belong. we can see the good it's done for the community. disabled people should be able to see themselves portrayed through this lens, too.

Player Expression of Disability

to use an anecdote for myself, one of the big reasons our life resonated with me was because i had the choice to completely reject all touch from other characters (or at least, from the love interests who are obviously the most important characters - it's been a hot minute and i currently lack the tech to fact check the finer details), and the game treated it completely normally and embraced me (metaphorically) all the same. and to be clear: this is regarding something that has (or should have) very little direct consequence on my daily life, and it wasn't even an implementation that gave me the room to explicitly express my insecurities and uncertainties surrounding it, either. it was simply the most fundamental "oh, you're like this? no worries, we've got you covered" implementation with no further questions. that's a very small detail with very little consequence, yet it made a huge difference for me - to be given the opportunity to explore big personal details with big personal consequences, just as queer people can, would mean a lot.

unfortunately, player space to express disability is heavily limited. please correct me if i'm mistaken, but this should be a near-full list of aspects the player's mc can portray.

wearing glasses. obviously, earlier i noted that i wasn't considering that for pre-existing characters, but i am going to consider it for mcs because it being a product of player expression means the player prescribes to it their own intent and meaning. the people who slap on glasses to their character for the look do not detract from those who use the glasses as a way to show their mc has low vision. currently, if i'm not mistaken, wearing glasses never has any affect on prose other than the occasional line to say you put on/take off your glasses.

vitiligo. yes this can qualify as a disability (and it's more adjacent to disability than any other big group). it can come with the usual expected symptoms of a skin condition (easier burning, higher cancer risks, etc) and often has co-morbidities like vision and hearing impairments - along, of course, with the social stigmatisation and fetishisation. regardless, these options are present in the character creators.

facial scars. however, for the most part, these are all your generic clean line scars that look pretty and Aesthetic. as such, these won't be adequate for a lot of people with facial differences to depict a character they can identify with.

lactose intolerance/food aversions. can be used to show dietary requirements/arfid, although the games don't always give you the means to reject foods. still, a welcome inclusion.

visual/audial/tactile sensory issues. i'd say this is the part our life handles best by a long shot, which does speak to my privilege as an autistic person in these scenes. i can enforce heavy personal boundaries, i can customise the clothing worn, i can express when things are too loud or busy for my character, i can go as far as being completely not okay with the fireworks in step 3 with a variety of potential accomodations being offered, including even leaving early with every character being accepting of my needs (although admittedly this always makes me feel too guilty to pick). really a gold standard of what can be done on this front.

general speech difficulties (in olnf). again, another fairly good feature that's biased towards me. it seems the game makes a good effort to track how much you speak, and will adjust your automatic speech accordingly (including completely removing said speech). of course, there's a few growing pains with this - jumping from talking to not talking and vice versa can be a bit tricky to convey, and sometimes characters are a bit psychic when it comes it interpretting nonverbal communication. but for what it's aiming to achieve, the current system is really good, and the problems it still faces are problems that would be exceedingly hard to solve within a reasonable scope and don't make that big an impact at the end of the day.

ambiguous fill-in allusions. by that, what i mean is that the player can vaguely express themselves through certain generic choices they make - eg; a lack of impulse control by punching jeremy, or being unable to move fast by picking slower options. this, in its current form, isn't really much beyond what you'd get by default - very very few of the current options have any particular implications behind them, but it's something we should still consider.

in full, we've got a couple of aesthetic touches on your character doll (namely the ones that best line up with archetypical oc tropes), traits commonly associated with autism, and the archetypical potential to headcanon unspoken details. that's great for people like me and a small handful of other people,

Current Dev Stance

what's that? another disclaimer?: i said it at the start i'm saying it again THIS IS NOT A CALLOUT POST. i hold absolutely no reason to believe any form of bigotry resides within gbpatch. i am including this bit solely because i think it is an important talking point to lay out why i don't feel great about the current direction.

back in 2023 (while this isn't especially recent, i can't find any more recent discussion, and posts from 2020-2022 all say similar things, and there's another 2024 post where a similar answer is given concerning ND in particular), one steam user asked about MC disability rep:

"would it be possible to make it so an MC could be disabled? Ex. canes, wheelchair, working dogs. I know that would add so much extra work to your plates so I understand if not, but I walk with a quad cane so to see that in a character would be really cool. Genuinely no pressure. :))"

"I'm afraid it's not possible, even though I agree it'd be great. The issue is we can't add every disability there is in the real world or the game could never be released. And we have no good way of deciding which disability should get to be in the game and which of the many should be excluded. And it would also open up questions on why there's not mental health related conditions and only physical ones. That wouldn't be fair, but we can't do all of those either. So, the situation is that we have to leave those qualities as something the game just doesn't have, rather than having it as an unfair, only partially comprehensive feature."

i don't feel great about this answer. of course, it makes sense at a glance (ignoring the jump from "canes, wheelchair, working dogs" to "every disability there is"), but i feel it's misguided on a couple of levels.

the first is of course the idea of "all or nothing" are the only two acceptable outcomes. that everybody will have to fight to be seen, and those who lose will suffer more than they otherwise were. that somehow, other people being seen will mean the rejection doubles. i'm not going to argue that the people who wouldn't get in haven't been dealt an unfair hand, but i am going to argue that other disabled people getting in doesn't somehow make the others "less" included. they're in the same situation regardless. it's an inevitably truth of all accessibility work that accomodating for every single person is functionally impossible - that somebody is always going to lose out. that by no means means that we shouldn't be doing any accomodative work for the sake of "fairness", though. and in real accessibility work, it is possible to hurt through inclusion if you aren't wise - replacing a stairway with a ramp means people who struggle with inclines are worse off. in a game like our life, the options made for one person don't in any way impact another player who doesn't want to pick them.

the second is of course the presumption of an "all of nothing" dichtomy in the first place. as i've already laid out, our life games do have disability representation already, heavily weighted towards people like me. we are already in a biased scenario. but even if they were to, in some comedically misguided move, remove the mc disability rep that exists, we still wouldn't have an all-or-nothing dichtomy, because abled people and disabled people are on the same sliding spectrum of person. i won't go too deep into theory, but as a summary, all aspects of life are exceedingly hard to categorise, and attempting to cleanly cut exactly where abled people end and disabled people start is extremely hard. it is not suddenly fair and equal towards all widely-agreed-upon disabled people - the minority of our spectrum - if none of them are represented, because abled people - the majority of our spectrum - still get represented.

a good analogy of how i view this answer is to consider if it was instead about mc ethnicities, and the answer given was something along the lines of "it would be unfair if we picked and chose which ethnicities were in, and then we'd get questions about why have we only got eurasian ethnicities and not african ethnicities, so it's best to not have any degree of foreign ethnicity given to the mc." this would only "solve" the issue by enforcing every mc to be the setting-default white american as if it is somehow an opt-out of the topic and not in any way just another more heavily represented group of the same concept, all while ignoring that the game still has bias through qiu and the exploration of their chinese culture the game will feature.

(and to refresh - as noted at the start of all of this, having some bias isn't inherently wrong. it fundamentally makes sense for the purpose and scope of the game that we'll see more of qiu's background than yours. but if a dev stripped your background entirely and claimed that the game was not giving any nationality more attention than others while qiu is still clearly there, that wouldn't add up, right?)

now, of course, scope is still a very real concern. gbpatch are right in that it would be a bit dodgy to excessively feature one group of people over another (however one must remember this is the pre-existing current situation we want to solve in the first place, and opting not to act doesn't change that), and disability inherently impacts day-to-day life, and thus the writing scope of the game, much more than other currently customisable aspects. if they tried to go down a big List of Disabilities and add variations for all of them one by one, they wouldn't get very far before they'd have to give up. so what can they do, if they have a set-in-stone cast of characters and an inability to add specifics to our mcs?

Potential Alternatives & Conclusion

first off, let's be realistic. overhauls of the cast aren't happening, and that's reasonable. two of the most important lessons when working with disability, especially in regards to accessibility and as is most relevant here fictional portrayals, is that good-but-not-great is better than bad, and perfect only exists in your imagination. yes, if disability was considered a more important part of our life now & forever from day 1, the cast would probably look very different. but with where progress now, changing the cast heavily does genuinely pose a threat to the project's health, and killing the project in misguided pursuit of perfection is not helpful to anybody (in fact, it means there would be with less disability recognition than there was before, because now we don't have any of the characters). acquired disability might seem like an option to get the best of both worlds by introducing these elements in later steps that have yet to be written, but i would find it very unwise to speculate on internal plans and presume that they have space for this sort of thing (in addition it'd be a bit unusual and not the greatest storytelling to have half of the cast suddenly acquire a disability between step 2 and 3). ultimately, i think only people within the team would be able to adequately identify spaces for character tweaks, so i'm instead going to focus on something where there is known space to adapt - the mc. after all, this is where the player gets to express themselves the most.

the best way to figure out what mc changes are possible is, of course, to assess the pre-existing mc options already offered to the player. what makes so many of these options powerful, as far as i can tell, is their versatility and cost-effectiveness. you can state you're intersex or that you transitioned between steps, but you don't have to clarify any further and the game will offer you enough to see yourself and not stew on it. you can choose not to talk for a while and the game will work with you, but whether that's because you're quiet or you're scared or you're doing a secret dare is up to you. when you choose your background, you can just fill in a couple of generic relevant details about how far away it was/etc and any extraneous details are left for you to know - you don't even have to fill in the name of where you came from.

as noted, i think gbpatch are right when it comes to not being able to incorporate "every disability". however, i think one can dodge this by better embracing the game's reliance on players filling in the gaps and opting for a more relevant lens of incorporating disabled experiences rather than a medical lens of incorporating disabled diagnosises - like is already done with the autistic experiences of sensory needs and speech problems, which other people with adjacent symptoms can also enjoy. when focusing on this, not only does it become clearer as to what disability inclusion can look like in a realistic and practical sense, but it also becomes very clear why disability does in fact belong in our life.

if we go back to the initial steam question, i think the op was already onto this by offering specific mobility aids instead of specific disabilities. for example, wheelchairs aren't just for paralysed people - they're for people with chronic pain, people with general mobility issues, people recovering from surgery, little people, and all sorts of others. with one fell swoop, you could cover a whole range of bases (yes, this would be in an incomplete manner that wouldn't portray other complexities of the disabilities in question, but remember that this is only one wide-use addition so far so additional options akin to the ones noted later can help patch up holes. and even if it were only this, good-but-not-great is better than bad). however, this is also one of the most straining potential inclusions - mobility aids, while not requiring quite as much narrative change as you might expect, are still ultimately present at all times and do heavily inform the mc's capacity. in a game where all three main characters' bedrooms and i thiiiiink your classroom are up a flight of stairs, and you'll be spending a lot of time in the forest, there's a lot of very big questions to be asked that could have unfortunate answers. that's not to say this should be given up on right out of the gate (after all, the mobility offered by different mobility aids varies - for some, stairs would just be a hurdle instead of a major barrier), but it's one where i definitely understand the scope argument and at the very least would say should this be tackled you're reallllly going to want sensitivity readers for this. although ofc you're going to want sensitivity readers anyway. nothing about us without us. still, this is a particularly lucrative option for inclusion, should it be possible.

so, let's consider options that still need a reasonable amount of legwork behind them, but aren't quite as daunting as retrofitting mobility accessibility into the game. two of the big obvious disabilities people's minds will go to are blindness and deafness. for many people, they'll simply think of total blindness and deafness, both of which immediately seem a bit far fetched - total blindness would require a rework of the vast majority of prose in the game, and total deafness raises a bunch of questions about sign languages, balances between groundedness and the game's rose-tinted tone, and Deaf culture. however, these are spectrums - sight loss and hearing loss are both not all-or-nothing. i think partial sight/hearing loss are both much more feasible, only requiring regular-ish tweaks rather than persistent overhauls (again, both of these have potential to offer additional overlaps - as an example, hearing difficulties are comorbid with the pre-existing vitiligo).

amputation (referring both to the removal of limbs and the lack of presence at birth) is also something that, while tricky to draw boundaries on, would be less overarcing than you might think. having an mc without either arms nor legs would be particularly taxing on writing, but individual limbs would only matter in particular cases (legs in particular would mostly leech off of anything provided for mobility aids, should that be present). that being said, exactly how you'd define what is/isn't allowed to the player is unclear to me.

more doll options with disability in mind also have a lot of potential. in particular, positive representation of facial differences beyond sanitisied slashing scars (inc. facial paralysis) is in extremely high demand. each requires its own graphic(s), which can't be ignored, and care would want to be taken with both the handling of the graphics and considering if there's any need for text differences (sometimes the answer is no, but sometimes there's additional consequences one might not immediately consider). again, a need for boundaries to be drawn here where deciding on a place to draw the line for scope's sake isn't the clearest. of course, that's not the only option that could be added to dolls - hearing aids are the first one to come to mind, and there'll be more that could be identified with more than the 5 sleep deprived seconds of thought i've given this.

the occasional out-clause, like seen in the fireworks part of olba step 3, could also grant a bit of room for additional expression. perhaps part way through the bike-riding moment in olnf step 1, your mc might not have the energy to keep going and needs to sit down for the rest of the moment or potentially go home early, with the option having a clear tone of physical incapacity but leaving the details to the player. or you'd have a moment where you're intended to go into a space with bright flashing lights and you can opt to not go in at all and the cast give you the option to either wait outside for them or they'll stick with you and skip the arcade/club/whatever, to express epilepsy or visual sensory needs or other such problems. things like that.

and on the lower-tax end of the sliding scale, i feel more attention towards potential disability with the player's fluff choices could make a whole world of difference. if players get to choose how well they're doing in school, perhaps they could specify if they're struggling or need support in specific subjects, to offer a more granular way to express dyscalculia, dyslexia, various learning difficulties, etc? or during a sleepover moment, you can state that your sleep schedule is Fucked as per usual, and let the player decide why that is. even just the option to take your medication when waking up one morning could resonate with many people (especially if a bit of extra granularity is given, leading to bits of personality like a rude step 1 mc who has to take a lot of medication being particularly grumpy about it).

i'd also like to note real quick that, of course, these topics don't always need big screentime or being particularly pointed out. as i noted earlier, olba accomodating for my touch aversion as simply as it did was meaningful to me, and it's in part because it didn't have any big screentime that it hit the way it did. whether something deserves a big moment like leaving the fireworks or whether it should just be a passive avoidance of certain things like saying no to touch is all a very case-by-case situation.

lastly, i imagine we're going to see an obligatory Step 2 Identity Angst moment like in olba, where we can be ambiguously upset about our queer (or yet to be discovered queer) identity. if we're not intruding, i think this sort of moment is begging for space to introspect about disability, too. especially given that qiu's probably going to be there for it, and if they're going to be looking for somebody to bond with over a queer identity they've yet to figure out, they should get to bond with somebody over a disability they've potentially yet to get answers to as well.

this is all just stuff that i can think of within an afternoon or so. there is a lot of potential territory that could be explored that i haven't considered (eg; i haven't really talked about ND very much here, mostly because what already exists is mostly catering to this first and foremost), and i do earnestly believe it is all worth considering.

overall, it's these experiences that make "disability" a group with community. if we assess the category by just what the diagnosises say, so many of us have fuckall in common. even groups that an outsider might expect to be homogenous, like blind communities, are varied. but it's the shared consequences, experiences, joys and frustrations that make us a semi-coherent category. i think that's what our life should be focusing on should it be interested in disability rep (which, judging by how well it caters to me, it is), as that's both how you keep scope in check and how you elevate the rep from name-drops and well-intentions to something that you can look at and go "what the fuck. that's me."

ONE LAST DISCLAIMER BECAUSE I REALLY REALLY DON'T WANT ANYBODY TO GET THE WRONG TONE FROM THIS: our life fucks incredibly hard as it is. in the same way that partial rep of disability is a good thing even if it's not complete, the game's commitment to minority rep is a good thing even if it's missing a lot of disabled people. the devs behind it are doing great work, and even if they were to find this and go "hmm nah i don't agree that this is feasible for the game" i'd still be just as happy as i am now to have spent maybe a bit too much money on the kickstarter. but ultimately, i do see that i am getting the better end of the stick compared to my friends and other people, and that makes me a bit sad. even if as small a change as adding one extra option were added, like the aforementioned pills-in-the-morning, was added with the intention of widening the player's expression of disablity, it would make me a very happy bunny.

and another reminder that i'm just one autist with a mediocre amount of disability knowledge and this post isn't gospel etc etc i am VERY paranoid about the potential for people to be destructive about all of this if you can't tell but i think this is still worth posting

and another reminder that there should be nothing about us without us, please remember this. i do not reflect the vast majority of disabilities i have mentioned here and if these were integrated into the game you'd want to be listening to people who actually do reflect them

and Please. Cove James Holden with short sleeve wedding attire. My soul is up for grabs. Really, that's the only reason I posted this (lying)

[warabidakihime]

Rules and Roses Chapter 2

★ characters: kibutsuji muzan x reader x akaza

★ plot summary: Kibutsuji Muzan has finally decided to expand his empire, and the way he intends to do so is by running for the highest political position. With you, his darling wife, at his side, he believes he can achieve and have everything the world has to offer. He is, after all, the Phoenix of Phario.

★ fic playlist: sometimes, same day, as time stops, wolf’s song (this is also the vision board for the fic). 

★ content warnings : implied violence and abuse, profanities, toxic relationships, smut.

★ Previous Chapter

a/n:

hello!!!

first of all, i am so sorry for taking so long to update this story. ٩(ˊᗜˋ*)و ♡

life happened and i got sooo busy. the time i uploaded this fic was when i just started at my new workplace and shortly after a few weeks, i was already preoccupied with work. at first, i was laser-focused on getting used to my new work and the culture. then later on, i found myself playing a more important role in the office that required my undivided attention lol. besides that, so many things happened in my personal life as well that i didn't have the time and energy to write.

btw i'm now a writer by profession as well so oftentimes i would feel drained af after writing corporate write-ups. tbh, i also got hit by writer's block, especially for this fic because the plot i have in mind for it is lowkey intricate, and for the most part, i haven't decided on what route i should take story-wise. so during those 2 years, i was constantly trying to reconstruct the story in my head, and here we are!

i'm back but i'm not so sure about updating regularly as i'm still incredibly busy, but i will do my best! the latest kny seasons inspired me to write again (aka my crush for muzan lol).

hopefully, everyone is still here to read this. ٩(ˊᗜˋ*)و ♡

as always, comments and kudos are highly appreciated!

happy reading!

-

"Can you outline your key policy platforms should you be elected President of Phario? Given your extensive background in the human resource industry as well as your rich connections owing to your business ventures in Obelisk Kibutsuji, do you first plan to address the pressing issue of the national unemployment rate?"

"Indeed, that's correct. As President, one of my top priorities will be to strengthen our nation's workforce, which is crucial for advancing our economy. I have a comprehensive plan focused on job creation, vocational training, and support for small businesses. These initiatives will not only reduce unemployment but also stimulate innovation and competitiveness within our economy.

I also aim to implement policies that ensure equal access to education, equipping our citizens with the skills needed for the evolving job market. Healthcare reform is high on my agenda. I'll ensure healthcare assistance is accessible to everyone, public hospitals are well-maintained, and healthcare workers are fairly compensated and protected by the state in any dire situations. Additionally, I'll push for technological advancements and infrastructure development to attract both local and foreign investments.

Addressing social issues is equally important, and as a devoted ally of these communities, I'm committed to fighting all forms of discrimination, especially against women and the LGBTQ+ community. We must ensure everyone, regardless of gender, sexual orientation, or identity, has equal opportunities and protections under the law.

Moreover, I'll advocate for the rights and welfare of people with disabilities, ensuring they have access to the necessary resources and support to lead fulfilling lives. This includes improving accessibility in public spaces and promoting inclusive employment practices.

Animal welfare will also be a significant focus. We need to enact and enforce laws that protect animals from abuse and ensure humane treatment.

Lastly, I'll champion the rights of minorities and immigrants. Our nation is built on the strength of its diversity, and it's imperative we create an inclusive society where everyone feels valued and respected. This includes reforming immigration policies to be fair and humane and implementing programs that support the integration and empowerment of minority communities.

In essence, my administration will be dedicated to creating a sustainable and inclusive economic environment where every Pharian has the opportunity to thrive and contribute to our nation's progress."

Muzan stood confidently at the podium, a modest yet proud smile gracing his face after addressing a journalist's question amidst a room bustling with media personnel.

Today was the day where presidential candidates shared their platforms, which also served as an open forum for engaging with the press and fielding inquiries on a wide array of topics—from current events to personal matters.

With his seasoned composure before cameras and crowds, Muzan navigated the spotlight effortlessly. His articulate delivery drew admiration from all corners as he outlined his plans for the presidency, filling you with pride as you watched from the audience.

Among the attendees, your smile beamed with pride and unconditional support for him. Akaza, who is sitting right beside you, maintained a stoic demeanor outwardly, though inwardly, he couldn't deny a hint of impressed regard. Muzan's comprehensive platform and commanding presence left an undeniable impact on him.

Eloquence had always been Muzan's forte, a skill honed through years of being a businessman and somewhat of a public figure, as among his peers and in the business landscape in general, he is well-revered and widely celebrated.

Beyond his ability to articulate ideas, he possessed a magnetic charisma—an invaluable trait for navigating the intricate world of politics and public service.

Several hours later, the policy speech slash press conference finally ended, and now you were on your way to meet up with Muzan at the lobby of the hotel where the gathering was held when a few journalists spotted you among the sea of people who were also exiting the function room.

Akaza was right behind you and is also on full alert, an important instruction your husband told him when he appointed him as your personal bodyguard a few years back. Committed to his duty, he stood there in a stance where he is ready to take action should anything happen that is out of the ordinary.

Mics were stretched out and placed within just a few inches of your face, and one of them took the liberty to ask you a question: "What are your thoughts on Kibutsuji Muzan's campaign platforms?” 

Very much like your husband, you also wore a modest yet confident smile on your face as you held eye contact with the journalist who asked you that question before displaying your own version of eloquence as you answered,

"To say that I am proud while listening to him share and advocate for the causes he wholeheartedly believed in would be the biggest understatement of the decade," you said with a fond chuckle before continuing, "even before he filed for his candidacy and even way before he became the man we all know now, he has always been outspoken about these things. He would always share with me his desire of making significant changes in the world, hoping no more children would have to endure what he did. As many of you know, Muzan, my dear husband, came from very humble beginnings, and unlike me, he has faced challenges far beyond my own. His vision and intuition surpass that of most, and so, as cliché as it may sound, his words and strong convictions carry a weight and authenticity that are strong enough to enable him in doing the impossible and inspire others to believe that a better future is within our grasp."

Akaza listened intently to your answer, finding himself captivated by your words. The way you addressed the press made you sound like a candidate yourself who's also sharing her platform. In that moment, he couldn't help but feel an overwhelming surge of pride as he continued to absorb your statements.

The journalists surrounding you mirrored his sentiment, clearly impressed by your response—no surprise from the esteemed Ballerina Queen of Phario.

It had been quite some time since you last entertained interviews, having retired and chosen to stay away from public engagements.

"Among the plethora of initiatives he wishes to take action on once he's elected, what resonated with you the most?"

You paused, contemplating the list of campaigns your husband had presented earlier. Just as you were about to respond, an arm encircled your waist and gave it a tender squeeze.

It was Muzan.

"Knowing my wife's love for animals, I'm certain she's most excited about what I have planned for animal welfare," Muzan interjected warmly.

You playfully rolled your eyes, eliciting amusement from not only your husband and your respective bodyguards but also the press. "You say that as if it's a bad thing," you quipped.

Muzan chuckled fondly. "Not at all, my love. Your passion for animals is one of the many reasons I fell for you."

The same journalist who had asked you the second question now directed his attention to Muzan, eager for his response. "Based on the most recent public survey, you're likely the most favored candidate to win the elections. What can you say about that, Sir Kibutsuji?"

Muzan smiled bashfully at the reporter, his eyes reflecting a mix of humility and determination. "I'm incredibly honored and thankful that our fellow countrymen have placed such faith and confidence in me. It's a humbling reminder of the trust they have in our vision for a brighter future. This campaign has always been about bringing real change to Phario, addressing the pressing issues our nation faces with innovative solutions and inclusive policies. The support we're seeing reflects not just my efforts, but the collective desire of our people for progress and unity."

He paused briefly, his gaze sweeping across the room, before continuing with renewed conviction, "Though I would like to emphasize that I don't take this trust lightly, it actually fuels my commitment to serve with integrity and purpose, to listen to the voices of every Pharian, and to lead with compassion and foresight."

By now, the press was highly satisfied with the answers both of you had given, granting you the freedom to depart. Clearly spent after the eventful day, you exchanged farewells and well-wishes before going your separate ways.

With Muzan's arm still draped around your waist, he guided you towards the grand entrance of the hotel. Meanwhile, Akaza made his way to the basement parking lot to retrieve your car, preparing to drive you both home. Kokushibo remained close to Muzan, ensuring your security as you awaited the car's arrival.

Turning to Muzan, unfazed by the bustling activity around you, you placed a tender kiss on his lips, smiling warmly. "Great job out there, my love. You did so well today. I'm incredibly proud of you."

Clearly elated, Muzan mirrored your smile and returned your affection with a gentle kiss on your forehead. "Thank you, darling. Your support means everything to me."

"Truly, I was beaming throughout your speech. You were absolutely amazing. Phario is fortunate to have such an admirable leader like you," you praised sincerely.

Right there and then, Muzan couldn't help but raise his eyebrow and playfully smile at you, prompting a confused raise of your own eyebrow.

"What's that look for?" you asked.

Muzan shook his head with a playful smirk before replying, "You're not showing favoritism now, are you, my love? I know you adore me, but let's keep it fair, hmm?" he teased, his tone light-hearted and affectionate.

You rolled your eyes at his playful accusation. "Ha-ha. Very funny, Muzan. I'll take it back, then."

Muzan laughed wholeheartedly, drawing attention once again. "I was just joking!" He then smiled warmly at you, his eyes reflecting pride. "Thank you," he said sincerely. "Hearing that from you means more than any applause, you know?"

You reached out to pinch his cheeks. "You play too much sometimes, you know?" you said with a chuckle before continuing, "But like I said, hearing you speak today—and in all those times you shared your aspirations with me from when we were students up to now, as you finally have the opportunity to make all come true—it's evident how deeply committed you are. Beyond your skills and capabilities, your passion is what makes you so compelling, Muzan. It's what makes me believe in you, too."

Minutes later, while waiting by the entrance, Akaza finally pulled up with the car. You and Muzan bid farewell to those around you before stepping into the comfort of your vehicle.

As the city lights blurred past the windows, you reflected on the day's events.

"You know," you began, glancing at Muzan beside you, "I have a feeling your speech today touched more hearts than just mine."

Muzan smiled softly, intertwining his fingers with yours. 

"I hope so. Though the election is still months away, and who knows how things might shift, that's why I don't want to take any of this for granted. I'm in this for the long haul. You'll be there with me, won't you?"

He looked over to you, and in that moment, despite his big words, he looked absolutely adorable, with his ruby eyes shining at you and his lips slightly pouty as he waited for your response, which you gladly provided through the means of placing yet another sweet and passionate kiss on his lips and squeezing his hand reassuringly. 

"I'll always be here for you, Muzan, through every challenge and triumph."

"I love you," he whispered lovingly, his expression sincere and heartfelt.

"And I love you," you replied with equal affection.

With a comforting squeeze of your hand, you nestled against Muzan's shoulder, feeling a sense of contentment as the car navigated through familiar streets towards home.

Meanwhile, in the driver's seat, Akaza's face remained unreadable. He was outwardly indifferent to the tender exchange between you and Muzan, but inwardly, he was seething with rage.

You think you're so clever, spouting all those promises and pretty words, playing the saint for the public eye. But I see through you. You're nothing but a manipulative snake, a liar wrapped in a facade of righteousness.

His gaze hardened and his grip on the wheel tightened as he stared ahead, the streetlights casting shadows on his determined expression.

One day, your mask will slip. 

I will fucking rip it off your face, even if it's the last thing I do.

[canideformed]

People need to realise that a trans person’s experiences with oppression are far more impacted by things that aren’t as black and white as what specific queer label they identify as.

Living in a community that respects your gender, having the ability to medically transition if you want, especially at a young/er age, being perisex, being white, being abled, being wealthy (inherently tied to how accessible transition is to you), having supportive parents, even the level of gender deviant you’re perceived to be by cis people.

When you’re trans and/or intersex, being straight and/or being a man aren’t privileges. We’re all viewed as gender deviant, and simply identifying as straight or as a man doesn’t change that. Sometimes, the ability to pass can change that.

I can personally attest that, the more I pass as my target gender on any given day, the better I am treated and the less transphobia I experience. If I have a beard and square shoulders when I’m trying to be perceived as a woman, people don’t like it. They also don’t like it when I wear clothes that emphasise my hips when I’m trying to be perceived as a man. This also applies to sexuality. When I was with my ex bf, I was treated better when I was perceived as a woman. This is regardless of my personal orientation (which is actually mostly gay man). Even as a transfemmasc intersex gay (wo)man, the times I was treated the best were the times I could pass for a non-gender/sex/sexuality-deviant woman and when I could pass for a non-gender/sex/sexuality-deviant man. When even one of those things changes, when I was seen as a gay man, or a lesbian, or a trans woman, or a trans man—people start throwing me looks on the street and sometimes even going out of their way to harass me.

And yes! Misogyny does exist. But all gender deviant people experience it (or homophobia, but imo those two are linked anyway, at least based on my experiences being perceived as a woman vs. a gay man).

Similarly, when one of my disabilities becomes visible (if I need my cane or have a shutdown or meltdown, etc.), it impacts the way people treat my trans identity. I deserve less autonomy, the demonisation/infantilisation/both intensifies vastly, etc.

The way these things interact is complicated. I have a complicated transition history due to being intersex and could technically be categorised as “transitioned young,” both on the axis of being transfem and on the axis of being transmasc (it’s complicated!), but it’s honestly not a privilege in that situation because it also came with medical abuse.

TL;DR, an individuals’ level of privilege and an individuals’ experiences with oppression are both complex dynamics that can’t be dumbed down to “men don’t experience misogyny” or “all men have male privilege” or “straight trans people are privileged over gay trans people” or any other black and white statement based purely on one’s personal identity that completely ignores the vast array of intersecting factors as well as simple luck and personal circumstance.

Also—trans people in places like North America or certain parts of Europe will always be privileged over trans people in places with cultural variations and slower acceptance of gender deviation, probably in ways we won’t be able to ever imagine. So listen to trans people who do have those experiences.

[softlyforged]

I never wanted to be in this position but I also have to recognize where I am, and I need help. More than I can ask for on this website, but this is what I can do for now, even if this doesn't get any traction. I literally have no money at this point in time. I live with family, which means I don't have to pay rent, but my emotional wellbeing is incredibly low being here, having to constantly mask the extent of my mental illness and not be accepted as trans, constantly hearing my deadname and being misgendered.

To briefly summarize, my car broke down while out of state in December, and there's no way I could or can get it fixed for the cost it would take. I still owe capital one a ridiculous amount, and i have to keep the vehicle insured under my state's laws until I am able to get capital one to release me from the vehicle, all of which is extra costs monthly. In combination with no longer being able to borrow my mom's truck to do the commute for work, I was at a severe breaking point and my suicidality was at a level that leaving my job was the only option left. That was back in February. I was already driving 2+ hours per day, and my workplace was not the most accommodating for mental health. In the months since I've left, I've been able to slowly use what I had saved up and what a few friends have generously given in order to pay existing bills that follow me. I've been applying to jobs as much as I can, but it's a struggle for a lot of reasons. Because I've had to cut costs as much as possible, I've been without meds that make functioning easier as well.

I absolutely understand that there are far more important causes to donate to, or to purchase commissions from, but if you happen to have a bit of extra money you could send my way, it would mean the world. I don't even have a specific amount I'm aspiring to, as I'm trying to just stay afloat at the moment. My long-term goal is to move up to where my best friend lives, but for now I just need to survive. I am more than happy to send crochet items in return, but I can't promise expediency with how much time I've been having to devote to job searching and trying to exist in my disabled trans body. If you are so inclined, my information is below:

paypal.me/dylaurora

venmo: dylaurora

[actuallyadhd]

Hi, I have a question about adhd and autism. I have an autism diagnosis and was assessed for adhd a few years ago, but I was found to not have symptoms during childhood and so I wasn't diagnosed. (The psychologist also seemed to think I was too smart to have adhd so I don't really trust her assessment.) I'm wondering if my autism could have masked my adhd as a child, and if so, if you have any tips on how to go about getting assessed again.

Thank you!

Sent April 12, 2025

Okay, so ADHD and autism can sometimes be misdiagnosed as each other. Then there's this weird thing where if you have one you may well also have the other, but you're also more likely to be just ADHD than just autistic. (I hope that makes sense. Basically, since you're autistic you're more likely to also have ADHD but it's not for sure.)

Depending on how your autism affects you, it could certainly have masked your ADHD (and vice versa!).

There's a lot of discussion going on right now about what exactly is the nature of autism vs the nature of ADHD. There's a lot of overlap between the two, and the best way I've had to explain the difference between autistic executive dysfunction vs ADHD executive dysfunction is that the base reason for the issue is different. So someone with just ADHD might struggle with being on time for a completely different base reason than someone who is just autistic. ("Just" here meaning "only the one thing" not "not a big deal".) Meanwhile, someone who has both (AuDHD) might struggle with being on time for different base reasons on different days or at different points in the same day.

Good for you for understanding that whether or not you have ADHD or autism has nothing to do with how "smart" you are! I am fed up with that idea and really wish people would realize that intellectual disability can, indeed, come along with autism and ADHD, but it's not a given. (One of the reasons IQ tests are not great for neurodivergent people is that they don't typically have adaptations allowed for different methods of communication. You just do the tasks and if you can't talk or you have a meandering way of getting to the actual answer, you lose points. That makes literally no sense to me. And yes, I know my number, and it's useless and silly.)

In order to get reassessed, you will need to get a referral to a different clinician. If you live in or near a college town that has a good psych program, there may be someone on staff who specializes in autism/ADHD. Go to your doctor and ask for a new referral. Be clear that you want to see someone different from last time, just to get a second opinion.

If the second opinion is that you're only autistic, no ADHD present, you may still find that ADHD tricks can help you, just as I found a lot of autistic tricks helped me before I was diagnosed with ADHD (whether or not I'm actually AuDHD is still up in the air, and at nearly 50 I don't see the point in pursuing a diagnosis). In addition, some autistic people who don't have an ADHD diagnosis do find that stimulant medications help them with their executive dysfunction, so that is always something you can discuss with your doctor. Do be careful if you decide to try that, because if you have an anxiety disorder or deal with high levels of anxiety, stimulants can often make your anxiety worse. In that case, something like guanfacine (blood pressure medication) or atomoxetine (brand name Strattera, non-stimulant) might be a better choice.

Followers, how many of you are AuDHD? Have you found that being diagnosed with both has helped you manage life better, or does it matter?

-J

[fabdante]

Wanted to know what you thought about it, but:

I kinda headcanon that reboot Dante was actually pretty smart in school. Or at least, he would've been. He did good when he could get one of those rare teachers that actually treated you like a person and would sit down and explain the subject to you, and was patient with you through whatever fits you threw because you didn't understand the subject (or were just having a bad day). The kind that would tutor you after class or during recess or whenever they had the time, and treated you with patience and gave you encouragement (maybe more than his current guardians did). You know the kind?

I'd like to think he had at least one or two of those growing up, tho they got fewer and fewer the older he got and the more criminal things he had to do to survive- if he was even going to school at that point to begin with. The older he got, the more the shitty guardians and authority figures piled up, the worse the demon attacks got, the more he ended up in prison or places like a prison, the more time he had to spend homeless, the less and less "doing good in school" mattered to him. Because of everything previously mentioned, and because as he got older, he probably saw 1) the toll that took on the students going to school, any kind of school, especially the most vulnerable kids, and 2) just how little anything being taught in schools actually helped you in the real world. At least, unless you were rich. And white, and cis, and straight, and not neurodivergent or disabled.

Anyway, I think he had subjects that he liked and was good at, and probably still likes to read about on his own, if he has the time and space to store the books. Its just that being a mercenary (or whatever other illegal things he had to do before legally becoming an adult) usually paid better. Same with demon hunting, post-Limbo collapsing into the real world. He'd probably do well with a teacher or tutor, if he could find someone that could sit down and explain things to him. Not to get a degree or anything, because college is too expensive for too little gain (I can't see him ever willingly setting foot in the academic world again), but just. If the subject was interesting to him.

Like, he's probably gotta play catch up with some "basic" education stuff, stuff that he's missed out on one way or another, but he's smart, y'know? He's got potential- you just have to find a teacher that fits him, and also give him a reason to actually give a shit and try to learn.

I am a very big proponent of the Dante's being much smarter then given credit for by the fandom (I wrote a meta post about it one time, focusing on reboot Dante and mission 19)!

I feel like fandom likes tropes that are easier to digest which I think makes both Dante's characterization suffer in fanon from time to time. Which is not to say the Sparda family brain cell jokes and what not are not funny like I love them but...idk there's a lot more going on here is all.

I've always characterized reboot Dante as someone who is intelligent albeit not in the way reboot Vergil is. His is a sort of practical, analytical, observation. Like the best way I can describe it is I always put his best, most natural subject in school as English.

English class is about training you to analyze texts, any text. Like that's the whole point. The point is to get you to essentially 'solve' the problem of what a text means. And I feel like it's a skill that can be learned, but also can be a natural sort of curiosity that can be nourished. and I feel like from what we see with reboot Dante we sort of see him lean into this. Where as Vergil's all logic and study and rigid intellectualism, we sort of see Dante wonder. He analyzes situations. He's always prying for more information, more bits of information to study to put together what's happening around him. Like you can see it in how he approaches Kat for instance, he keeps trying different things to see what will get her to open up more and once he figures it out that's when he starts asking questions about Vergil, the thing he really wants to know about because (as I posit in the mission 19 post) he does not trust Vergil and wants more information about that.

So like in my own fanon I have him excelling a lot at stuff like English. I always have him reading the assigned books to, even if he might skim at times and has not picked up a book since he dropped out asdfghjk i do think though he'll still do literature analysis without really thinking when watching tv and stuff (as proposed a bit in my fic crossroads of catharsis and contemplation)

For like sciences and math and stuff I just feel like he'd largely be disinterested because he has other things going on and just does not care to apply himself because he just...largely does not care. As long as he skirts by he's fine with those.

But yeah long story short I do think both Dantes are a lot smarter then given credit for and that reboot Dante could probably have been a good student if he cared more and was in healthier environments.

[swampndn]

Lol y'all. In my attempt of actually doing shit to take care of me, I fucked up.

A trauma dear diary

So my two best friends have been telling me to get a massage for a long time, so last night, I impulse booked at 9am. I had therapy also today, so I figured it'd be a good idea to do both in the same day. Macrodose the self care. I even got an oil change too!

Anyway, the last massage I've ever gotten was 14 years ago, and given how much has happened in that time (and how hard I am on my physical body), I figured the 90-minute session over the 60 was warranted. This is big for me as I really got problems with people touching me in any kind of care way and lotion texture problems. We go over my medical history and current injuries. She is very thorough and very non-threatening.

Then we start. It's fine. It's all good. No problems. I surprisingly have no tension in my shoulders or neck, which surprised both of us.

But then y'all. She got to my hips, and hot fucking damn. She is shook, and she tells me that she doesn't remember the last time she experienced someone with the sheer amount of tension. She knows about my hypermobility disability, and she tells me that she's certain that is the only reason I'm still able to walk because there should be no way. So she is WORKIN' when all of a sudden, boom.

A very bad repressed memory comes back.

I've been in intensive trauma therapy for almost 2 years now for a number of things, but there was an incident in October that brought to light a confirmed series of events I had completely repressed. A whole ass thing.

Anyway, so today I get shot back to a memory. It's wild. Physical sensations, thoughts I was thinking at that exact moment in time, breathing, crystal clear vision like I'm literally there, and it's happening in real time. Honestly, the most clear memory recovery and flashback I have ever experienced, and there have been a few.

I come back to the table. I'm fine. I compartmentalize, knowing I'll deal with that in a few hours. We finish the massage, and I try to get up. Y'all, I'm disoriented. My vision is dim. I can barely move. I have to lean against the wall. I have no idea how long it took to get dressed, but it was a while as the therapist asked if I was okay. I was plenty hydrated before I got there. It was a physical experience I've never had. But I finally got my clothes on, and she gave me a treatment plan that seems very helpful and good. I pay then I leave.

I felt (and still feel) physically quite good. I've never noticed how my hips feel (mainly because my ankles and knees take all the focus), and I'm now hyper aware of them. I am fully stacked with back to back meetings until therapy, so I do them all. Again, feeling physically quite good.

Then I go to therapy. I tell my therapist, and she then goes, "We tell trauma patients to not get massages! Why didn't you talk to me about this first???"

She explains a lot of things like being triggered by certain physical touches etc., but her big thing was that there's a ton of research about how this specific type of intensive trauma I have LIVES IN THE HIPS. I was aware of that before, but since I never had problems with my hips, I didn't think it was applicable to me.

HA HA HA JOKES ON ME

I've since been googling about that, and uh oh. Now I understand her concern.

[alliariapetiolata]

30 days of autism acceptance 4-6 https://www.tumblr.com/autie-j/776209993374531584/30-days-of-autism-acceptance-2025?source=share

Day 4 special interest

My big lifelong special interest is plants. It isn't all plants, but I don't know a clearer category. Plants that grow wild around here, taxonomy, foraging, poisonous plants. I don't really care about houseplants. If I get better (I know autism isn't a disease and something you can get rid of, but some people can get better from late regression, and then I could work with support) I am going to be a naturalist and I have know that since I was little. When I was a toddler I liked volcanoes but since then it has been plants.

For a couple years I have also been very interested in mental health and disability and autism. Probably from being in the hospital, partial, IOP, residential, or freshly out of one of those at any given time for about 2 years and having to research or ask questions and know my stuff so they couldn't trick me. I don't usually call it a special interest even though it probably is because I don't like it and it isn't calming to me and I want it to go away. I can't stop thinking about it though. I still love plants and I'm hoping it takes over all the way again.

Day 5 how can the neurotypicals help

First, I don't like when people use neurotypical to mean not autistic. The word for that is allistic. They might have really meant neurotypical but just in case: Neurodivergence includes bipolar, schizophrenia, ADHD, dyslexia, personality disorders, OCD, intellectual disability, sometimes depression and anxiety, any disability/disorder label that makes your mind different.

Neurotypicals, and neurodivergent people who are less disabled than me, can help by listening to me about accessibility needs like warning me if they're going to make certain sounds and doing it every time, not just when I am able to ask; telling me if I've made them upset and not assuming they know what I'm thinking; and making a point to include me and giving me time to type things on my AAC if they're trying to have a conversation with me and a third person.

I just saw an episode of Daniel tiger (it's a bit young for me but I like 3 other pbs kids shows and I'm trying to learn ASL and it has episodes of some shows including that interpreted) where the class learned how to play by their autistic friend and ask him to play even if they thought he didn't want to and talk about buses with him and be quiet when they see him cover his ears and not complain when he is allowed to walk around the classroom and they aren't and it was so cool and I wish everyone would watch that and follow it.

Day 6 miscommunication

I used to be able to speak but I can't anymore for the past year and 9 months. My language is fine though. That is unusual, it's more common to have a very hard time with language and grammar than no speech. My SLP says her other clients my age can't make full sentences. (Which is ok and people should still listen to them). So all the time people can't understand my handwriting or what my device said, but my best stories about embarrassing miscommunication are social blunders like the question said.

Once I posted online a picture of a buzzer from a restaurant that said something I took to be about liking the food. I was informed that it was a joke about masturbation. In middle school we all had to design logos for the black student union on a t shirt making website with free graphics. I chose one with a bunch of people holding a sign. I didn't look at people that much so I didn't understand that even if I made the silhouette people black in color they were still white people because of how they were shaped. My friend corrected me. I used to like really tight hugs and my friend's mom told me I was going to crush her to death. Next time I saw them when it was time for hugs I said "I want to crush you to death!!" I was joking like she was but nobody understood that. This stuff happens a lot but I usually don't find out what I did wrong.

[sexwithsophie]

Yes, my darling. You do.

It's wild how even the best of people don't seem to feel worthy of any kind of happiness; let alone the absolute, pure, unadulterated happiness they absolutely deserve. Do you feel this way? If so, let me tell you right now as your mom, I know for certain that you deserve all this and more.

You want to know why? Because I said so. But unfortunately, almost all of us are raised with a tit-for-tat mentality, even though that's untrue and fallacious. You don't have to give anything to be deserving of everything. And still, since escaping this mindset is so much easier said than done, I'll tell you why you are owed happiness, my dearest.

You deserve it because life is so ridiculously hard from the moment we take our first breath to the last. It's struggle and pain and clawing just to reach a baseline of comfort. Every day. Trying to figure out money and food and relationships and shelter and transportation and safety and sanity… every single motherfucking day?!?

THEN throw on top of that all the things that try their best to trip you up on your road to happiness: disability, location, bosses, microagressions, fucking war, assumptions, neurochemistry, miscommunications, politics, dysphoria, and unhappy people, sometimes even parents (not me, of course), who actively work to keep you down in the doldrums with them.

So. You manage to crawl out from under all of that extra bullshit that buffs what is already an insanely difficult existence to enjoy a movie, play a board game, smile at a baby, or appreciate a sunset? Congratulations! You deserve those slices of happiness, because I know how incredibly hard they were to attain. You are owed it.

You've managed to check a few boxes on some of those basic requirements for happiness? Got a new car, found a solid partner, practiced some new tricks from a parenting book, secured a fulfilling job, got your degree, moved into a safe place…? YESSSS!!!! Eat. That. Shit. UP!!! Revel in it!!! And try to celebrate the multitude of other huge happinesses that may have thrummed down to autopilot for you. Because you are due, baby!

Now. If you were brave, fortunate, and lucky enough to be able to find happiness while knowing your true, authentic self? Or better yet, found yourself and living as yourself is what became a new source of happiness for you? Outwardly or inwardly? Loudly or quietly? Well then, my hats off to you even more so, my liege.

That is not a safe thing for everyone to do, and may not even be for you, and yet you've done it. Even if you are the only one who knows. That's a big huge deal, and is what undoubtedly "costs" each of us the most. Hopefully your knowledge of self has amplified the good things in your life, but even if that's still on the horizon for you, or you're having to slough off before you can begin to be filled by your truth, cash in.

Because, you see? You most definitely deserve your happiness… your peace… in exchange for all you may have had to give up or trade in to attain it. Please know that I am so unfathomably, irrevocably, and insanely proud of you!!! Even if all you did was get out of bed this morning, because sometimes the smallest things can be the most taxing depending on what all you're wrestling with at any given time.

In the face of all the things and people who keep levying their tolls on you, please keep being kind. Especially to yourself. You deserve it.

[nobody-writes-here]

On Nonfiction and "Reading for Pleasure"

As a college student, I am often asked to quantify the reading outside of class when the topic of reading comes up. There are many ways of phrasing it. "How many books did you read this year?" a number is given, with the inevitable follow up: "and how many of those were for class?" punctuated with a little laugh. I don't hate this; in fact I do it myself. It's not a secret that most of the reading that I do is for one class or another. As a history major and academic masochist at a competitive school, it's basically unavoidable. We read because we must, and the closest thing we have to reading choice is choosing topics for research papers. Personally, I try to always do the readings, because goddammit I worked hard to get here for this professor to give me their reading list. I picked the classes because I wanted to take them, or at least because they fulfill requirements for the degree I want. The problem is that there are so many things I want to read outside of that, and having them grouped into the broad category of "for pleasure" feels disingenuous at best.

The idea of what we read for pleasure is a nebulous thing. There is a joy in reading disability justice scholarship, as a disabled person, being connected to my community in that way. This is a thing I can take pleasure in, even with the mountains of content warnings that come alongside many memoirs and suchlike on the topic. That said, I would be doing myself a disservice not to acknowledge how frustrating it is that I am reading it on my own time. My university had exactly one seminar class centering disability studies last semester, and I didn't get in. Not because the professor didn't know I was disabled, or wasn't prioritizing disabled access to disabled scholarship, but because there were too many of us to fit in the room and the first class filled with everyone trying to get in overflowed the table and made the room swelteringly overcrowded. I go to a big, well-known, expensive, proudly progressive school, for the record, and the numbers on the need-based scholarship paperwork they send me every year are so big my brain can't comprehend it. If you wanted to take a class on feminism, for example, the registrar search turns up plenty of options easily accessible even to first-years, evidence that the school is perfectly capable of providing comprehensive education on social issues if it wanted to. But it's not a priority; same goes for queer or god forbid trans scholarship.

So I teach myself. The reading I do in my own time, trying to cover as much intersectional ground as possible in the limited spoons I have available, has to suffice. It's infuriating. I only really get through a couple books a year in their entireties. And when people say, "what do you like to read in your free time," I shrug and say mostly nonfiction these days. In my ideal world, my free time is for novels and comics and Percy Jackson rereads. Instead, I am searching up nonfiction titles in the library catalogue of my hometown while visiting family, wondering how long it's been since any of these were marked as not available.

[astronomergrump]

ik nobody's gonna like... See this or reply to it. Because it's not 'art' or anything 'fandom related'. But nobody listens to me, and ik nobody will listen to me here so it's whatever.

Idk what I gotta do to become popular and for ppl to see my art and recognize me and think I'm cool and then become friends with cool ppl, but I'm so close to giving up on drawing y'all.

Might need to take a break from everything, especially the internet and tryna show my art off. But idk, I'm probably just saying that cause I'm was in the shower and crying. But God dMmit I don't know what I gotta do for people to like me, and that's probably a stupid thing to say. 'Reese you shouldn't be clout chasing' or 'Making urself popular or cool because ur already cool', I'm not cool. I'm weird, and everyone knows I am. I'm broke, disabled, and stupid. I try my best so that maybe, maybe the bugsnax fandom can recognize me as an artist. But I've mostly given up posting on a bugsnax server due to insecurity and being ignored. (I only post on few servers)

i barely have any motivation to post, or even talk to ppl and yet I always do because I'm afraid people are gonna be worried. Even though ik nobody cares where I am, that nobody even remembers me or my art. I'm tired, I'm so tired, and I'm so sick and idk why. I'm physically weak and I don't understand what's happening, I'm losing my balance, I'm getting more tired and tired. Idk what's wrong with me, but it's definitely not good. I wanna write, I wanna draw, I wanna be productive so badly. But I physically can't.

I love bugsnax, I truly do. But sometimes it's tiring being a smaller artist than the ppl you look up to. Also get white skinny twink floofty out of my feed and support Palestine. Now I'm gonna probably sleep or watch tiktok/YouTube, if anyone wants my tiktok just ask and I'll put it in the comments or smth. I hope everyone has a wonderful day

[scretladyspider]

I hate America. I hate being American. “Oh you’re so free you have so much” my government regularly uses my tax dollars to fund wars — and as I write this, a genocide — without my consent. America has been at war 2/3 of my life, killing people for America’s own political power. I have no say in if my tax dollars go towards basic infrastructure and things like free healthcare or bombing innocent people who just happened to be born near something the American government wants. They constantly expand the military instead of providing healthcare and education and food to their citizens, creating such poverty that many who join the military (any branch) do so just to pay for college to try to get a better life. My government is using my tax dollars not to help the citizens of Gaza, but to supply the IDF with weapons for an ongoing massacre for a tiny strip of land that’s important in a book that was written over two thousand years ago and which no one can really agree on the meaning of anyway. Those who are deployed either don’t come back or are abandoned by the government they fought for when they do, no matter if they went because they agree with what they were ordered to do or because they were that desperate and manipulated for a better life that they were at the end of their rope. Around 130,000 - 200,000 veterans are homeless. There are no safety nets, not unless you’re rich. My government has funded murder of millions in the name of a few people getting a little bit richer and continues to do so. If you become homeless, you didn’t work hard enough, even though most jobs barely pay enough to survive. If you don’t have a savings account, or generous family, or if you lose your job, you will also be homeless. Nearly every state has “at will” employment, meaning you can be fired at any time and not given reason. Simultaneously race, gender, religion, and disability are supposedly protected under equal opportunity employment. Many in my government want to erase queer and especially trans people from existence and are trying to make it happen. If you get fired due to some type of discrimination, you need money to hire help to take your employer to court. Judges are elected but often run unopposed, but when they are opposed this can drastically effect how they rule a court case. The prison system is modern day slavery and for profit prisons are legal, and common, and just, a thing that actually exists. Medical care is decided by insurance companies, not patients and doctors. This is determined by the cost and risk factor, not what’s best for the patient. Politicians are still advocating for Israel, no matter what they do, but also doing nothing to fight rising antisemitism in the USA. Politicians decide whose vote counts where. Its “majority rule” in democracy— except for the presidency, which os decided by “electors” who are not chosen by the people and who, depending on the state, don’t have to use their electoral votes for the state’s popular vote. Police are so overpowered they often get away with murder and even laugh about it. Children are regularly massacred in schools and teachers somehow can’t understand why they don’t want to do their homework or are acting out in class. People who want gun control are treated as being just as extreme as the people who can’t recognize that their defense of their “hobby” has killed countless people and will kill again and safety from gun violence shouldn’t be a matter of luck. My government is ignoring an ongoing pandemic which has killed and disabled millions of people already. Corporations decide my rights on their own interests by how much money they give what politicians. Studies have been done, and what the people want isn’t likely to pass because money is what matters most. My government is backing the current president of Israel, who has defended the choice to bomb hospitals. I am not proud to be an American. Why would I be? This is broken.

[northwest-cryptid]

I feel like I want to prefix all of this with saying I have nothing against those who go by the books and sell out and forego their own identity to make streaming as a career a reality for them.

But I also want to say that I will always support those who try to make it without doing all that. Listen I get it, it's hard; and that's exactly why I respect them for it.

I've been trying to find the middle ground, people tell me just play Genshin it's popular; but are you kidding me? Do you know who I am? Do you think I'd stoop so low as to play a game that glorifies the mass murder of my people? No thanks man.

I legitimately felt emotional seeing the support I was given by the Mabinogi community because I'm actually pulling numbers on par with my peers; the very same peers who did very much decide to just sort of sell out to whatever got them the most viewers and interaction.

I'm not looking down on them, if anything I was always a little irked by it because it was a constant reminder that I should do the same.

Yet here I am actually slowly amassing a small community with higher viewer averages, more engagement on my streams; and it seems like I can actually deliver a fun experience to those who stop by.

Streaming as a full time career is something that will take a lot of work; it's going to take a fair bit of effort, I need to dedicate myself to it and it's not easy. I'm planning to sign on with a proper studio later down the line; or at least audition with a few. Even if it means having to give up some form of identity to adopt another they want me to use.

However as it currently stands I don't have a lot of options, if I'm being honest that's not why I outright seek streaming though.

Sure I'm physically disabled, sure it's difficult for me to do any form of physical labor; and yea I know I can't hold a "real job" like people would love for me to.

Truth is, I've always wanted to be some form of an entertainer; I've always wanted to help people the way entertainers helped me. When I was young I focused so heavily on being a game developer, I wanted to create a world for people to feel like they belonged. I felt that way because Mabinogi gave me that when I was an outcast in school. The older I got the more I realized that being a game dev wasn't actually a job I could just pick up and do. It was a lot more challenging than that; I worked with a few smaller indie groups and every time I got burnt.

I had my intellectual property stolen, I was basically let go when they realized they didn't want to pay me for my services since they "didn't need to" considering they held all the legal rights to my work.

I realized that streaming was something I could just sort of, do. I grabbed a webcam, a decent mic; and OBS. I just sorta started streaming whatever; tried to stick with things I actually want to show other people; tried my best to create some kind of space for a community to feel welcome in.

I see the way people feel towards streamers, and while I understand the need to keep a distance (believe me, I really do) I also want to be a big enough streamer to properly house myself, keep food on the table, support my loved ones; and also be there for an audience.

I want to be a streamer who can genuinely put my audience first when it comes to what sort of things I bring to the screen, obviously caring a lot about my own interests and such as well; but I want to be someone who can brighten peoples days you know.

When I was young I remember telling my family that my life goal wasn't so lofty as to accomplish world peace or anything like that; but that rather I wanted to try my best to make someone's day a little better every day. It didn't matter who, it didn't matter how big of a deal it was. If I could make someone's day just even a little better than it was, then I was doing something good for the world as a whole.

So yea, I guess if I'm being honest; whenever I think about what I want to do for a living, there's nothing that comes to mind; but streaming? Streaming is fun, it allows me a sort of outreach; to talk to people, to help people.

I get to be there for others, I can entertain them; help make their days a little brighter and I also get to be an entertainer. I get to put on a show, play up a silly character and have some fun with it.

I don't want to have to sell out and be someone I'm not, I don't want to have to endorse games I don't support. I want to be me; and I want to be there for my community.

This is the first time in a long time I've felt like maybe I can do that; even if being me mean I get to play the role of a silly eldritch demon here to claim dominion over the realm in the name of my great elder god lol.

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #178

A lot of things happened today, and I'm not sure where to begin. I feel like there are so many things, and my mind is swirling from it all.

Well. I suppose I should start at the beginning. And the beginning of any good day, for me, always involves tea. This one was an apricot flavored green tea. The swirls as it brewed were subtle, but still, I was able to capture them:

In the end, it resolved into a lovely shade of greenish-amber:

...And the billowing cream was mesmerizing today:

...Maybe one of these days, I'll try to take a slow-motion video so you can see this in action; it's really very lovely to watch.

I tried to play Dead Cells today, but it didn't work out. For you see... drum roll please...

....!!!!!

...I got the job at the grocery store!!! They called me today and said they would like me to fill an opening in their bakery department on a part-time basis - about 16-20 hours per week!! So I guess I must have made a good first impression at that impromptu interview full of on-the-spot questions and thinking on my feet after all!

...Imagine that!!! Imagine that!!! Holy moly!!! Ordinarily, it's hard for me to imagine that I'll do anything other than horribly botch any social situation in which I find myself, ESPECIALLY if I don't try to mask my autistic traits. But at the walk-in interview, I didn't have time to prepare a mask or to consider the between-the-lines implications of the interview questions, so... I just answered them honestly and sincerely without thinking about all the non-existent implications the other person might read into whatever I'm trying to say at any given time, and...

...Somehow it worked out. I have no idea how it worked out. Normally sincerity makes people run away from me screaming. Suppose it's why writing these letters to you is somewhat therapeutic for me; I imagine that you're also autistic, and so... I can just be myself in this space, and... well... it's not as though you can tell me all about what a horrible, cringey, naive, stupid little loser you think I am, like almost everyone else does. Hahaha...

...

...I still can't quite believe that the interview worked out. I didn't actually expect anything would come of it. I imagined that they were probably giving me their best professional courtesy and plastered-on smiles while secretly wishing I would go away and never come back, such as what occurs most of the time.

...This particular grocery store is full of neurodivergent and disabled people, though. Perhaps I can fit in here. And... I can use any income I generate to try to create a safer world for you, since any income I make is technically not needed (M and J more than have our needs covered). But I'm not going to tell you how I'm gonna try to build a better world for you just yet; I'm gonna leave you in suspense like a great big fat huge meanie-pants!! Neener neener neener!!!!! MWAHAHAHA!!!! 🤪🤣💖

...But I promise you this, and you may carry this promise as though it contains the weight of my whole reality: if it ends up being the case that you are unable to create a safe and wholesome life for yourself, then I will pick up whatever slack you leave and do it myself. I did not weave together my Tree of Life materia for nothing. I did not leave it and a copy of my very first letter to you with some astoundingly important people for nothing. You saved my life, so... I will do whatever it takes to make sure you are safe if you do not do it yourself. Even if it takes me the rest of my life. And even if I get destroyed in the process. This is a hill that I would be proud to die on. Wholesomeness and joy are coming for you. It's inevitable.

I will follow this up with some ominous positivity just for kicks; maybe these will make you laugh:

...No fate is so immovable that we cannot change it. Just in case it doesn't carry weight coming from my mouth, there is someone else saying it now, too.

Did you hear me?

No fate is so immovable that we cannot change it.

I will say it once more:

Sephiroth. No fate is so immovable that we cannot change it.

If you need a bit of extra courage to do whatever you must in order to continue to make kind, good, and gentle choices, you can find more ominous positivity here:

...I don't like all of these (one of them specifically because I do not believe that bad people exist), but I do like most of them. So enjoy!

J is doing his first overnight at Br's house!!! I'm so proud of him!! He has my most important plush though, because he was nervous and wanted to carry along something that reminded him of me. So of course, I let him take it with him; I hope it serves him well! Though admittedly; I do feel somewhat vulnerable and uneasy without it. That's okay though; I have something else to help fill in the void.

In the meantime, M and I went to a Chinese buffet; J doesn't much like noisy places with heavy food, so normally, M and I wait until J is busy to go do things that he would not want to participate in, because otherwise we would prefer that J can participate.

This is one of the most beautiful aspects of polyamory - no human can be everything for any other human, and so when interests align, that's wonderful! But when they don't align, then you can explore that interest with a different partner! And in this way, everyone gets their needs met! It's good stuff! I got a couple of fortune cookies with very atypical fortunes in them. They were worded unusually; I don't know how to explain to you in what way, and I am not inclined to share them at this time.

Then M and I went home; on the way, I got a few pictures of the sky for you because it was especially dynamic today:

...By the time we got home, the sky unfolded into one of the most spectacular sunsets I've ever seen. I'll start with this picture I captured of a cloud that looks like a single golden wing; I don't think I've ever seen a cloud look quite so feathery before:

...Sephiroth, I'm not sure why, but... I thought that the sky looked remarkably like you today - feathery and soft and gloriously kaleidoscopic. So I hope you can look at these and understand that you're also lovely, just like the sky.

After this, I went inside to watch Detective Pikachu with M, and... interestingly, I was surprised to discover that we can think of that movie as kind of a sequel to Mewtwo Returns. Seems like poor Mewtwo can't catch a break from people wanting to track him down and confine him for the purpose of abusing and exploiting his power; I feel very sad and angry in response to that. I feel anguish in response to all the torment he was put through, and I felt rage when one of the characters in this movie described Mewtwo as an abomination; that is NOT an appropriate word to describe such a beautiful and kind living thing. But somehow, he manages to still be benevolent and gentle; Mewtwo is thoroughly wonderful.

...He's so much like you. I hope you get a chance to talk to him someday, somehow.

He is safe again in the end, so no worries. He didn't get a lot of screen time, and what he did after he was rescued is unclear, but I'm hoping that he went back to Mt. Quena so that he can continue to have a happy, peaceful, and wholesome time with his Pokémon family; like any living thing, he deserves peace and happiness in a place that is safe and full of love.

Let's try really hard to make sure you find some such wholesome place, yeah?

Anyhoot. It's getting pretty late, and I should probably go to sleep. So I'll end today's letter here.

I love you. Please stay safe; you wouldn't wanna miss tomorrow's letter, right?

Your friend, Lumine