#the bad thing is. it fucking hurts :o)
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Sometimes you just need to cry while your partner holds you <3
Proshippers/adjacent dni. 100000 shark attack 🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈 also Zooble self ship doubles dni
#self ship community#self ship#f/o x s/i#safeship#safeshipping#safeship community#tadc#the amazing digital circus#tadc zooble#tadc self ship#🔺️🍥 Plastiscene 🐶🌈#anyway hi guess who had a really bad mental breakdown yesterday 👍#I staryed this last night but was so exhausted I couldn't finish it#it's just a quick thing I did to comfort myself after all of that#Wafflez has a bad habit of bottling up their emotions#< just like me (they are me lol)#it's a bad habit of mine but in my situation I don't really have a choice but to do it#my family has made it clear they don't have any intentions of learning about my mental illness#< And they don't understand my feelings or trauma at all#and my therapist refuses to diagnose me eith anything or give me proper treatment#AND there isn't a psychiatrist anywhere out here who will see me#so basically I'm just kind of fucked lol#I like to imagine Zooble would let me release all of it#they'd let me be open and honest about everything I struggle with#and they'd let me yell about how unfair it is that so many people have hurt me and gotten away with it#they wouldn't make me feel bad or stupid for feeling my emotions ''the wrong way''#I lovr them so much and I wish they were real <3#didn't mean to say that muchin the tags sorry lol
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can we all remember to just say 'oh no thank you, i dont like that kind of food' but apply that logic and rules to shipping and letting other people ship again
#my t#dirkhal#yes im tagging this because thats what this is about#i see the start of another stupid fucking morality-based ship war in this tag and im not here for it#dirkhal is historically considered stridercest#using stridercest as an umbrella term#it doesnt mean the -cest part has to mean incest if you dont want it to. it can absolutely mean selfcest#davedavesprite is also concidered stridercest but its much more in line with dirkhal in that its selfcest. see the logic?#but like#can yall be fucking nice to your neighbours weve been here for a long time and havent been hurting anyone#if you can come to terms with the thought of dirkhal with hal/AR CANONICALLY being a brain clone of a 13y/o dirk#when we have no actual solid evidence to prove that he ages like dirk does in his physical body#then you can learn to share a fucking tag. because nothing in stridercest mirrors actual irl criminal or harmful activity#because its playing with dolls. we're all playing with our barbies and ponies here#and the problem with all of us trying to play w/ our barbies and ponies is that some very scared people see other ppl enjoying making ponie#kiss and they start screaming and trying to take all of our toys away when they dont actually have a monopoly on any of these toys. we shar#we share. that is what we do in fandom. theres an infinite amount of ways to interpret dirkhal#if you dont apply this logic to fans who enjoy things like game of thrones then dont do it here#take a step back and breath. we're all being normal. youre being a bad guest. please learn to share again. youre not being hurt#having a reaction to art is not actually Being Hurt
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I got my wisdom tooth extracted today orz
#ambie.txt#had to get an emergency appointment because ive been in horrible pain the last few days#and I had the kindest best dentist in the whole world I'm gonna cryyyy#and they let me keep the tooth. i wanna make it into a necklace#I'm in. so much pain tho. haha.#think I stopped being high on anesthesia and I'm just. high on pain killers now. save me.#this is my 2nd wisdom tooth being extracted so it's not new to me but. but god.#GOD I MISS EATING TOMATOES#it hasnt even been one day and I miss my tomatoes terribly#I ate tomato soup for dinner tho. so I did get my tomatoes to some extent. the world will not burn after all#like honestly. the good thing is. that. the thing that has been giving me horrible pain since the last week is out now#the bad thing is. it fucking hurts :o)#helloooo
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from a vibes perspective, i totally understand why so many people look at keefe and go ‘this guy would be the male equivalent of a wine aunt when he’s older’.
but. but.
taking lore into consideration, in my heart, he’s terrified of alcohol (even if he tries really hard to hide it). because. like. his first exposure is almost guaranteed to be through cassius, and cassius canonically threw a glass extremely close to him at least once when he was, like, 8. maybe cassius wasn’t always extra nasty when he was drunk, but there’s gotta be a correlation in keefe’s brain between risking getting seriously hurt (emotionally or physically) and alcohol consumption that’s really hard for him to shake.
#tw alcohol#tw child abuse mentions#lmk if there's more trigger warnings i should put#i have a thing for hurt/comfort lmao#kotlc#keeper of the lost cities#this is brought to you by:#that one fic my brain started writing internally where it's sophie's 21st bday and she's like man i#have saved the world so many times we've all lost count. i want a fucking drink#and keefe's internally like OH GOD OH FUCK in a bad way but externally he's like yeah babe whatever you want!!#and then she's like. i don't wanna do anything super stupid though. and drinking alone is super stupid when you've never drank before#will you stay w/ me? please?#and keefe's like. i cannot say no to that face#so he spends the night doing an increasingly bad job of hiding how bad he's freaking out#because sophie is a safe space and alcohol is not safe and he doesn't know how to deal w/ the two colliding#ESPECIALLY since sophie's just getting dorkier and sweeter as her filter goes down instead of throwing insults or objects at him#(i feel like sophie would be the kind of drunk that's very impulsive and says EVERYTHING that comes to the forefront of her mind#and stellarlune was more than enough to prove that she sees keefe and a lot of the time her brain just goes hnnngh soft little tortured#artist. MY soft little tortured artist.)#yeah but even intoxicated sophie can tell something's wrong even before he flinches super obviously at an empty glass falling over w/o#breaking. and so she's like nah man it's hurt/comfort time and he's like BUT YOUR BIRTHDAY and she's like do you really think i'm#gonna just let go of the fact that i know you're stressed? i'm not a dickhead keefe#so yeah it ends in cuddles. because of course it does#keefe sencen#annnnd out of the drafts this goes. post!
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the way i have no one to grieve with and it’s fucking killing me slowly.
#ooc. o kaptain.#[everything is so secretive and so private and I’m not supposed to tell people about xyz but also… doing this alone is agony? looking at#my aunt’s and my grandparents’ old jewelry sent me into a sobbing fit the entire time. I’ve inherited three generations of shit and I’m the#only one left with any memory or firsthand account of who these things belonged to. do you know how lonely it is to carry all the fucking#ghosts of your entire family. your mom your aunt your grandfather your grandmother. and it’s all you. and you have no one to share these#things with… because everyone who knew them is gone. but I’m also not SUPPOSED to share most of this for 10000 legal reasons (don’t worry#it’s not shit I can’t mention or something) and I just… can’t fucking do this alone. I just had a breakdown screaming in my house about#how bad I miss… everyone. but this whole process is just legal bullshit lawyer this protect this so my shithead father can’t get it since#he’s my ‘next of kin’ when in reality the only thing I’d like to leave him in my will is a fucking gps with directions set to a very long#walk off a very short pier. I just… my aunt just fucking died? everyone in my immediate family is gone??? when the fuck do I get to just… be#sad?? to grieve?? to fucking hurt??????]#negativity /
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today was my first christmas without my aunt. today was my first christmas i’ve ever woken up alone. why does grief have to feel so hollow and so heavy at once.
#ooc. o kaptain.#[I cant stop thinking about how last year was the last christmas we would ever have together. it keeps hitting me. I’ve tried my best never#ever to take a moment for granted but this hurts more than I can explain. this has been the worst year of my life. I’m absolutely shattered.#last year I was thinking about how lucky I was to still live with my parent. last year I was literally just appreciating the fact that I#even had the opportunity. I miss her so much it’s immeasurable. I would take back anything if I could. any fucking thing. I would use the#talk to me hand and I can say that without hesitation. judge me for it. I’m gonna go write because i have to do… something.#can’t believe I’ve been sick for like three days. today just… didn’t matter. not because I didn’t want it to. but largely because I didn’t#even have the energy to be present and I’m ALSO horribly congested. and like… who cares? I’m an abstraction of a concept. I’m gonna make a#bad decision and go play marvel rivals while I write shit on mobile. I’m physically completely exhausted and I actually can’t explain where#my head is at. which means I’m just gonna play iron fist like all the way thru.]#death /#family death /#parental death /#CLAWS RETRACTED.
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honestly actually ik the "ride or die, you can have complex feelings about these people who harmed you but i HATE them, you're never wrong" type of friendship is super common n praised n i even can understand why that form of unconditional "love" is appealing, but i genuinely think its the most suffocating form of friendship ive ever experienced
#bunny rambles#mostly bc the only way i can cope with what ive experienced is knowing i am flawed too#knowing many of these ppl who did terrible things to me are. ppl. not random monsters but ppl like me. who fucked up severely#i hold a lot of nuance and rarely talk to ppl ab my feelings bc anyone doing hard line like This Is A Bad Person activates me#even my therapist tried doing that and i had to stop our session right then cause i started sobbing ab the fact ik they arent bad ppl#and her doing that derails from my feelings and pain to them Being Bad and I don't need them to Be Bad to feel my hurt#if anything focusing on morality scares me away n makes me hide but thats also bc ive been experiencing shit since i was [prepubescent age]#so I've been having to live with this shit way longer than i was even in therapy and idk. i think if this stuff only happened starting past#the age of 15 i would be more capable of the b&w morality judgements required for this type of friendship#but I'm really honestly glad to know ppl who like. Dont wanna engage in that b&w morality for every single topic so i can actually talk ab#my feelings w/o feeling suffocated. and btw the suffocating prt to me is the pity and victimization as well. i hte experiencing that part#i had a few session with my therapist (b4 the other anecdote) talking ab how i feel suffocated when pitied and treated As a Victim[tm] even#tho that is language that can be applied to me bc everyone tries to apply that same morality but where i COULDNT have done anything wrong#(n then i feel suffocated n pressure to only say the ways they harmed me or never speak on that so they arent made into a Monster)#(i genuinely do wish the best even for ppl who have done the worst to me. dont be rude)#ANYWAYYYYYYYYYYY rambles and grumbles#(also i bring up the age of trauma in relevance to this not as a comparison but as a note on Why i am the way i am bc ik tht hving to like.#beocme a person w/ my childhood selves all basically being various gaping wounds made me a lot more tender when i started actually being#involved in my life and its been a struggle still w myself sometimes but genuinely remembering i and everyone whos harmed me are all just.#ppl Really helped me be able to like. live with this. idk. im rambling)
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brain is still refusing to latch onto anything so have my noodling around with my Hero of Fereldan, Micah
#you can tell this was done in 2 sessions can't you l m a o#she's getting my default short but kind of fluffy/curly hair with a fun little half ponytail because I like hurting myself#this was supposed to be the evolution of “meek and quiet” to “quiet and ruthless” but got stuck on ruthless in Ostagar and never recovered#Ostagar was her realizing that yeah things are just going to suck forever now huh#and Redcliffe is where she started Making Deals just to save the day so she could get on with her life#End Game is her “I have killed people for lesser slights so sit down and listen or die” era#where she is actively using Blood Magic to fuck with the Blight in her system and casually threatens the queen she put on the throne#to honor the deal with the mages or she will become A Problem like everyone /thought/ she was up until that moment#Micah is not a good person but she is a hero#losing Jowan at Redcliffe was uhhhhh Bad for her let's go with that#my art#wip#Dragon Age#Dragon Age Origins#DAO#Micah#the Warden#Warden#Hero of Fereldan#HoF
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there are a lot of reasons i think pericles is really slept on as one of the most tragic characters in sdmi, and they start with how easy it is to connect the dots that he took a mind-destroying curse full to the face as an infant. one that breaks adult humans and renders them unrecognizable, when pericles was not only a baby but is from a species that is explicitly much more vulnerable to it. right from the beginning of his life the entity obliterated his sense of self so thoroughly that there's not even a version of him who shows up in the Sitting Room.
fuck, man.
#sdmi#scooby doo mystery incorporated#professor pericles#sdmi is fundamentally a show about the cycle of trauma and abuse--about breaking a very literal generational curse#and i think it does a real disservice to both that theme#and pericles' narrative specifically#that he gets painted as That One Guy Who's Just Evil and Abusive for No Reason#when everyone else gets the benefit of 'even thoroughly horrible people are still people'#'and that doesn't mean they didn't hurt you; or that you have to let them keep hurting you'#'or that you're obliged to proceed in a way allowing for the possibility they'll decide to stop. that's on them to do. and they might not.'#even w/o the systemic oppression or decades of torture and psychiatric abuse#pericles was a victim of the entity in genuinely and quite possibly the most thorough way of them all. and yet he made a lifetime worth of#choices and many many many of them were to harm people in horrific ways; to his own ends and for his own satisfaction#and like. what do you do with that.#it is difficult and uncomfortable to sit with that and draw conclusions from it that are neither 'his trauma means none of that counts'#nor 'okay yeah well he's a victim BUT HE DID BAD THINGS SO THAT DOESN'T MATTER FUCK HIM'#if there's any show that invites you to do that it's sdmi; i love that about it. but you can't leave pericles out w/o defeating the purpose#especially when the nature of his being a link in the cycle of abuse is critical context for exploring the trauma of his victims#the vast majority of what he does to ricky is very clearly projecting and reenacting his own trauma onto a vulnerable target#and just. aaaaahhhhhh i have so many feelings about it god#abuse cw#grooming cw#SDMItag
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Need to get bullied n pushed around n teased n used n tormented n played with
#.......its a really bad pain day :(#i need hugs n love and reassurence but its annoyimg how often i need it so i dunno.wjen or who ro ask for it#sex is the onlh thing to welcomebm mw. with open arms n hugz me rn#i just.....fuck#i kniw everyine loves me and they domt want me to kill myself#but it feels like everything is just so stupidly my fault and o keep failing the people i love#it feels like the only gopd thing i can do is off myself#i dunno jow to descr9ve tje feeling#but its like im in a hunger gamss like film#where everyone is tslling me to do A. but i can see the plot and the plot says all i cpuld do to save them is B.#i dunno.....#i just feel lile the only right answer is to exit from everyones lives#im not gonna do it cus if i fail im even MORE of a burden ive seen that.......#i just dont know what to do it feels like by just existing im hurting everyonr#i just need drugs m sex they can eeassure me and use me while i use tjem#and theyre mot peo ppl e so i dint have ro qoery about using them
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my #analysis or whatever but its really interesting with how much they cut out of the Jon at the banquet 1x01 scene compared to (at least the leaked version online) the original pilot and book. like not to be like yeah grrm put this much detail in there for a reason but a lot of the detail that they removed really hurts jon as a character and its so jarring to see how much they cut to take the chapter down to about 3 minutes of the episode.
#twist rambles#thrones posting#im picking it apart bc im enjoying rewatching and knowing whats coming but it actually drives me insane bc imo jon gets fucked over SO bad#in the show w/o having his internal thoughts. like him and da/ny get fucked over the most w that to ME. and the cutting of the sa/nsa tower#scene in 1x10 also really was a big loss to MEEE personally. like when u have characters that are introspective and dont figure out any way#to incorporate all their thoughts- it hurts them a lot and kind of fucks over their characterization a lot#not saying got has sucked since 1x01 or anything but its been interesting to rewatch it and pour over the text as i do so because the small#changes do end up hurting it a bit the further u get in. like changing cer.sei to have birthed rob.erts child vs abortion i think definitel#does some damage to her character/that reveal. where like a lot of things that they added even in 1x01 are REALLY good changes. like the#addition that they did to the “the things i do for love” line were really good because it does kind of reassure the viewer haha he is askin#questions and let go of his shirt he SURELY wont and then he does. like that is a rly good change and again i think its kind of a mixed bag#w the additions and things they took away (namely i wish the amt of really over the top sex scenes were a bit closer to the book bc it kind#of takes away from a lot of it when its like SO much of an episode. its way more jarring how cruel th.eon is during sex when its very#different to what is surrounding it (which it is in the books) instead of like. it being INSTANTLY followed up w another similar scene they#added in. like i can definitely see the misogyny arguments esp when comparing book 2 show because the books are nowhere near as bad w that.#also forever mad that they didnt make da.ny bald at the start of s2. can we get silly NOW. anyways god. its been interesting to pick it#apart upon rewatch and more familiarity w the source material.
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i know i need to shut up abt it esp bc i don’t know for sure if i actually got exposed to covid but like. it’s just so fucking frustrating and terrifying. not just in the case of covid but with other things too like driving. you can take every precaution to keep yourself and the people around you safe but all it takes is one selfish careless asshole who can negate that in a heartbeat and ruin your life or maybe even end it in some circumstances. lol
#purrs#ask to tag#complete and utter despair about it all. i feel like such a freak for telling everyone to be safe and be careful all the time but this world#is so fucking scary and we are so fucking helpless. how can i not cast out this desperate fucking plea. this prayer. that harm will not#befall you even if it’s something as small as a drive to the store or a trip to a new place. i just live in fear of the people i love#getting hurt all the time and of myself getting hurt. and covid is fucking scary because we still don’t fuckng know how bad it is really or#what it can do to you in the long term and there’s no way to know if you have it until you find out you have it bc this fucking nightmare#country gutted all the covid infrastructure so it’s like. it’s just really bad. im so scared. ive been so proud of myself lately bc i feel l#like even though im still not doing great ive been less miserable and anxious like a couple months ago i was having breakdowns almost daily#and i feel like ive been getting better and this just has thrown me so bad. there are other things going on too ofc so i know im reacting#really strong but like. throwback to all the asks i just answered where anons were like idk how you even function witb the amount of anxiety#you carry with you all the time and i was reading that like but not anymore! and it turns out… no it’s still there. it just was summer and#i interacted with fewer people and went almost nowhere. and now the semester is starting again and everything is changing and it’s just. bad#also addendum to the first part of my tags: i wish i was brave enough to ask ppl to like. text me when they get to their destination safe or#whatever. i almost never think of it bc it just seems like such a forward boundary crossing thing to do + it was a bad habit from when my#separation anxiety was MUCH worse as a kid. but like… i want o do it and sometimes i need to but i repress it so hard. lawl#also to say i love you sometimes. some ppl it’s really easy and we do it all the time. others i can’t bc it crosses boundaries and it#physically hurts not to. lolll
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Important rules/tips I've learned as an adult that helped with anxiety
If people are mad at you, it's their responsibility to tell you, not your responsibility to guess
If they're mad at you in secret anyways, they're the ones in the wrong, not you
If people don't like what you're doing, it's their responsibility to tell you
If they say it's fine when it's really not, they're the ones in the wrong, not you
People are allowed to be wrong about you
If they are wrong about you, wait for them to bring it up, because if you try to, you will inevitably overcorrect
Some people are committed to misunderstanding you. You will not win arguments against them. Yes, even if you explain your point of view. They do not care. Drop it
The worst thing that will happen from a first-time offense is being told not to do it again. Maybe with a replacement if you broke something
You can improve relationships and gauge willingness to talk to you by giving compliments. It's like a daily log-in bonus and nobody thinks twice about it
Most things are better after you sleep on them
Most things are better after you have a meal
Most things are better after you shower
Your brain makes up consequences that are irrational. If the worst DOES come to pass and someone acts like they do in your head, they are overreacting, and you are entitled to say "what the fuck"
If your chest hurts after you feel like you've made a social error, that's called rejection-sensitive dysphoria. It means your anxiety is so bad that it's causing you physical pain, which is a good indicator that you're overreacting. Tense yourself, hold it for 20 seconds, let it go, then find a distraction
If you're suddenly angry at someone after you feel like you made a social error, that's also rejection-sensitive dysphoria. You are going to feel annoyed about it for awhile, but being genuinely pissed off is your anxiety trying to find something to blame to take the responsibility off your shoulders, and getting scared because it can't justify itself. Deep breaths, ask yourself how much you ACTUALLY want to be angry at that person, then find a distraction
"Sour grapes" is more healthy for you than stewing. Deciding you don't like someone who's perpetually annoyed with you, won't talk to you, etc. makes letting go of anxiety over them easier
If people don't like you, they will find reasons to be annoyed with you when they otherwise wouldn't. If people do like you, they will find reasons NOT to be annoyed with you when they otherwise would. People do not ping-pong between the two
You DO have to make a conscious choice not to think about something. If you're having trouble circling back to it, say out loud that you're done thinking about it and why. Then find a distraction
When you're upset, part of you is going to want to make false bids for attention (suddenly texting differently, heavy sighs, etc. but when someone asks you about it, you tell them it's nothing). Do not listen to it. You gain nothing from it except more misery
People like to help people they care about. It makes them feel good about themselves
If you think you're insufferable for needing help, see above. Yes, really. They get a serotonin kick from it
If you think you're insufferable for mannerisms you have, you either have to consciously choose not to do them, or accept that they're part of the package that comes with you. Being apologetic about existing does nothing except make you more miserable
If you do things you don't like when you feel meh about it, it makes it easier to do them when you hate it
If you avoid things you don't like when you feel meh about it, it reinforces and magnifies how bad it feels when you hate it
Seriously. Read those last two points again. If you can make yourself make a phone call when you've got nothing to lose, you will slowly lose that panic you get when you have to make a phone call you haven't prepared for. You do have to CONSCIOUSLY take that step
Hobbies that make you care for something get rid of that nagging feeling that you're not doing enough. Go grow some rosemary
If you don't engage with your hobbies regularly, you will feel miserable, and anxiety will spike
Hobbies are things that give you a bit of happiness. They do not have to be organized or named to do that. Go be creative in something. Play with coins. Make up lists. Start a new WIP
No one cares what you look like
If people point out things they don't like about how you look unprompted, they are being rude. You are entitled to say "what the fuck"
People who like you will find you pretty to some degree. Minor things about your appearance go completely unnoticed. Literally, scars and dots and blemishes do not register to someone who likes your company
You looking at yourself in the mirror is 10x more closely than anyone is going to look at you
If you're anxious about your body type, and you're creatively inclined, make/write an oc with that same shape. Give them nice things and make other characters love them. Put them on adventures. You'll start to see yourself in the mirror more kindly
You care about wording and perfect lines/colors way more than anyone who views your work ever will
Sometimes when you're upset, you're going to feel like not eating. Do not do that. Not eating makes you more miserable
Same with things you normally enjoy. Denying yourself helps no one. You are punishing yourself for being sad. Stop it
Both of these will take conscious decision to break the habit of. Make yourself do it anyways, and it will slowly get easier
And again, to reiterate: If someone is mad at you, it is THEIR responsibility to tell you, not your responsibility to guess
#anxiety#long post#i have been an adult for the better part of a decade and it has gotten SO much easier as i internalized these#swearing tw
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hm
#ok time to bitch and whine bc i wanna :3c#first off i want to say that i know all the nuances and i dont have it the worst and i think my mom is fine but. im also allowed to be upse#and i dont want to backpedal on that so i will try my best to not excuse behaviours with 'but also's. if i do fucking hit me with hammers#sillyposting#ok. early-mid 2021's. starting to get into the bad stuff for me.#im just getting aware of the autism and. other circumstances.#fine sure yesyesyes. i want to sit with my knee above the table bc its more comfy and i dont see a problem. my parents apparently do#i persist bc. there isnt a fucking problem and their points are stupid. i still think so and luckily theyve gotten over it now but.#anyway. alongside the rebelious action offf: wanting to sit comfortably!! i also sometimes have issues with sensory overload. SHOCKER.#especially then as i was getting worse in every aspect and. having actual physical symptoms because of it. my ticcing was bad during it#anyway. apparently having headphones on during dinner is also bad. most of the times i didnt want to cause more trouble so took them off.#akaaaa i was just forced to dissociate during almost every dinner instead of. having the 'privilege' to be normal.#the worst day with this was during fall break when my grandparent were also there.#i think it was just before the dam broke for me or maybe it was during but....#during dinner in an unknown vacationhouse with more people than i was used to and chairs that scraped the floors: i wanted to keep my headp#i didnt have music on. i was actively participating in conversation! i just needed a little less noise.#but it was for some reason too much to handle. and my parents werent grown up enough to let this slide.#taking care of myself was less important than upholding their useless ideals. ok.#i was denied dinner. because i needed something different than what they personally wanted.#so i went to my room and cried. 17 y/o. aside from everything else that was already happening inside me this still hits me the hardest#its the fact that. they didnt consider me at all. i still dont know why they were so upset over me doing something slightly different#the fact that they couldnt even properly explain why (because there wasnt a real reason) didnt help my view of them during that time.#anyway. im doing better now. i dont think theyre abusive anymore or have ever really been. *gets hit with hammers* ow okayyy#but. it has stuck with me. very much so.#so now when my mother keeps her headphones on during dinner bc of overstimulation. it hurts. it hurts so much.#you couldnt give me this during the beginning of the worst part of my life. but youll take it for your own now?#i wont say things bc ill get hit by hammers so. i get to be upset about this.#i do. i should be.#i want things to have gone differently. i want them to have understood it earlier. if not that; i want her to not take what i was denied.#I... *get hit with hammers*.... =3=
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;~; (tags vent)
#i feel so lonely and i dont know how to fix it#im trying to engage with people. im trying ot take space. im trying but nothing is helping#and like im hormonal so i wanna cry about it today#and like this loneliness isnt for one reason only#there's no One Thing#but so so many things making me feel like i cant connect#and even wiht making progress and even with coping and even with reminidng myself its okay to just feel bad sometimes like#i want company. i dont want online company i want irl company. i want friends. and im so miserable about the fact that i struggle to#make irl friends - not bc im not a good friend!! honestly tehre's been plenty of opportunities for me to make friends is the worst part#between work; disabilities; energy; and like interests/things to talk about its really hard to make friends (and tbh the first three-#really are the biggest drains). and i love my online friends i do i jsut. miss them all so much when i talk too much and then it hurts more#and i lost a friend group recently so im feelng really out of place#nearly everyday for the last idk. 5 months i had a group of people going “hey. love you” (even if they didnt say it verbatim daily) and lik#im so sad! and the feelings are coming out today ig cause i havenothing to do at work so im just. here#but yeah - ik part of this grief im experiencing is YET AGAIN experiencing change and loss re:friendships bc of things largely out of my#control /: and every time this happens it just brings up every single wound#im talking with my therapist about it too i just. wish friends were more permanent in my life yk?#or at least that i had friends irl still /: but all my deepest connections are all So far away#and it hurts so much to miss ppl rn im just. isolating myself#but i dont awnt to TALK. i dont want to TEXT. i dont want to hang out on a vc. i awnt to be held and loved and just talked to about anythin#other than the stresses in peoples lives. i want people to infodump to me w/o me having to Beg or Engage Correctly#i want people to tell me about themselves. jsut fucking lore dump in my inbox. its not dumping. i dont care about trauma dumping. if you do#cw i guess i jsut. im so tired. im tired of the “haiiiiii love you!!!!!” i have to do over the keyboard to have social connections#im tired of being so disabled i cant make friends bc no one wants to be friends w/ me irl and all the reasons (“ur a flake” “u cancel plans#“u never want to go out” “u never have energy” “why do you disappear when you need to recharge it makes me feel bad?” etc etc etc) all#relate to me being disabled and like.i feel like the problem. my existence is a problem. and the worst part is all iwant to do is just.#go run errands with someone. do important tasks &get a little treat to celebrate after. go to the doctor. the hospital. wherever im allowed#i want ot be a PERSON#): i jsut miss my friends#and liek im going to a thing later this month to try and make friends irl even if its just exercise friends
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the fact ppl expect you to be able to just sit there and take everything they say when they shit on men when you're a man is wild. are you expecting me to momentarily stop seeing myself as a man so you can rant? how tf are you expecting me not to be psychologically effected by hearing that "all men are trash"? what are you expecting me to do here exactly
#why do i have to sit here and tolerate something when its a net negative for my mental health and all you're doing is ranting about shit#i already know is bad that cis men do bc I also grew up dealing with cis men like#we already know but you seem to be hung up on the whole generalizing all men aspect and i dont have time for it lmao.#if you could talk about it w/o generalizing you'll find I actually stick around to listen#but once you start insinuating that all men bad when talking about a very specific thing some men do- how am i supposed to take#that other than you seeing me as bad in that way too by default of being a man? yeah i might be a lil insulted by that if you imply all men#are rapists or something. yeah it might actually psychologically effect me a bit if you can imagine#'my pain should be an expected cost' etc etc. except fuck that shit I dont think so. I grew up thinking that I deserved pain for no reason#im not about to let people continue to perpetuate that idea in me. fuck you.#ik having 0 empathy for men is cool to you and all so you're not even actually going to listen to anything I say but fuck man.#and then instead of actually listening to anything I say you're just gonna tell me to shut up so you're giving me even less reasons to#want to stick around given you're an asshole who doesnt care if they hurt me in any way clearly.#yall: why aren't you sticking around to hear me rant about men#us: bc you make it seem like its about us too w your generalization bs#yall: omg shut up no one asked who cares fuck ur feelings#us: *looks at the camera*#yall: omg why aren't sticking around to hear me rant about me--#I WONDER#maybe its bc you treat me like an inanimate object you're ranting to who doesnt get to comment at all#im like supposed to be a robot taking in all this 'information' except I already know all the information but one message keeps being#hammered in and its 'men bad' and im not allowed to emote or bring it up and comment on it or try to help that person work through#why they feel that way or feel the need to say that anyways- im just supposed to just take it on the chin or whatever.#like no fuck off
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