#parental death /

[twistcmyk]

Title Theme - The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time

[1980ssunflower]

Help me pay off my father's living expenses

Hi everyone, my father just passed away the other day and left me with several expenses I need to pay off as soon as possible (such as apartment rent, a house mortgage, and car expenses). I've been job searching but have been unsuccessful in finding one, and I have college on top of this, so I can't do this on my own. If you all could share this around and donate some money I'd seriously appreciate it. This has been extremely stressful for me as I have to figure everything out with practically no time to process my father's death and grieve.

I also still have my commissions open if you would like to support me and get some art back! DM me if interested.

[loserwithsyle]

Whumpee after being rescued, crying in Caretaker's arms, sobbing out how they want their mom or other parental figure

But with a twist. That parental figure is gone. Whumpee may or may not know that, and caretaker may or may not too.

A Caretaker knowing the parent died while their child was in captivity

Or a whumpee crying for someone they know can't be there for them

[sylvia-de-silva]

[lees-chaotic-brain]

rating things my classmates said/did after my dad died! (feat. class 1-a)

cw: mentions of death obviously, you're a member of class 1-a, crack, hurt/comfort, reader is religiously ambiguous, implied depression ig, some angst but mostly crack

note: guys i swear it's okay to laugh at this! i did!! some may say it's too soon but humor is how i cope and i missed writing so when this little idea invaded my brain while i was rewatching bhna (it's my comfort show) i couldn't resist

blog navigation | bhna masterlist

ochako: “if you believe in heaven i would offer to use my quirk on you so you could float up to heaven and visit your dad but i doubt they'd let you in anyways”

9/10

low key made me giggle

iida overheard and was horrified.

izuku: “i'm so sorry for your loss. if you ever need to talk i’m here. i know it’s not the same at all but my dad wasn’t around while i was growing up so i can kinda understand. not that i’m saying you have to talk to me because of that or that i understand or that we should make a dead/missing dad club oh my god i need to stop talking i’m so sorry i’ll leave you alone now bye please tell me if you need anything!” *scurries away*

11/10

sweet cinnamon roll 🥹

we should fs make a dead/missing dads club

todoroki: “i’m so sorry for your loss. if i could make my father trade places with yours i would do it in a heartbeat. unrelated, i heard you and midoriya are starting a dead/missing dads club. may i join? mine is dead to me.”

8/10

right idea i guess 😭😭

it was going so well during the first sentence too…

ps ofc you can join our club

bakugou: stormed into my room and violently ripped me from my depression burrito and dragged me downstairs to force feed me a warm home cooked meal bc he knew i hadn’t left my bed or eaten in the last 24 hours

6/10

i always knew you cared abt me us blasty 🥹🥰

the food was delicious but plz be more gentle abt it next time king 🙏

mineta: “yo your mom is a total milf.”

numbers don’t go low enough to express my feelings towards this one

like at my father’s funeral?? the AUDACITY

jirou: spent hours searching for a very specific song my dad sang to me when i was little and actually found it bc she found m crying bc i couldn’t find it and i wanted to hear it again

♾️/10

i actually love you so much

you have no idea how much this meant to me ❤️

aoyama: stuffed cheese into my mouth while i was crying in my depression burrito

-3/10

wtf man that was actually more traumatizing

it wasn’t even parmesan or brie

tokoyami: went on a long spiel about how we are all destined for the Great Darkness then abruptly ended by saying he was sorry for my father’s early departure and disappearing back into his room

7/10

i think you were trying to make me feel better so i appreciate the effort. i am a little confused tho

kiri: ask me if i wanted a hug. when i started crying he started tearing up too then gave me one of the best bear hugs i’ve ever gotten

20/10

super manly dude. i really needed it at the moment and appreciated it ❤️

gonna end this here. i had a few more but i felt like these were the best ones. not tagging anyone since this is like a personal self comfort one lol

THAT DOESN’T MEAN I DON’T WANT YOU GUYS TO LAUGH OR TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK. TRUST IT WILL MAKE ME FEEL BETTER

[tinydefector]

Sorry for another vent post. Just need to get it out so it stops eating away at me. A very small collection of people here know I lost my mum last year from another vent post I posted over the company responsible for her death trying to wipe it under carpet and how angry I was over nothing being done and no justice for her. But now it seems the story has gotten even more messy.

Turns out my mms Boyfriend has also been one of the biggest issues in this whole process, he's tried to blockade me every step of the way. I was the one who had to organise her funeral try and keep ym family together when she passed and he tried to make a grab for her Super, due to the fact she didn't have a will and he tried to claim defacto. (Legally he isn't and that part of stuff has been sorted) but I have been fighting, Fucking fighting now for over a year to find out what actually happend to my mother, because I have multiple people tell me one thing and others tell me another but none of them are police and it isn't the police report. Turns out my mums Boyfriend has decided since he could have my mums Super he's going to making it the biggest issue of me getting the police report to find out what actually Killed her.

The whole deal is I so fucking tired, I've been dealing with this since she died on the 23/01/2023. I'm her oldest child and. Legal adult who has had to work with her not having a will because she was 43. Constant back stabbing, blockading. At this point I don't even care about the company responsible for her de a th on her first day at that job. All I fucking want Is the police report. I just want the report over her death even if it just states she died due to impact I just want the actual report instead of the mental fuck around everyone keeps giving me. I've had to put my life on hold because of her death. She died when I was 22! I'm now 24 and still fucking fighting to get something. All because people turn into money hungry assholes. And the funny part is I'm not going to have anything left from the Super because my mum had over 100k in debt. So yea just wanted to vent and get it off my shoulders on the one platform I don't have any family who follow me.

[rosetyler42]

Wanted to draw some happier Stuff with Drac, Ericka, and Mavis. I like the idea of Ericka NOT being jealous of Martha but rather curious. I like her actually trying to get Drac to talk about her MORE, both to help his grief, keep her memory around and show she's not trying to replace Martha in Mavis' life, she'd basically be like "This person is important to my family and thus is important to me." And...it makes Drac and Mavis happier. It also shows that remarrying doesn't mean forgetting the first love or that they aren't important any more. Which I feel is a big reason HT3 and Ericka's character is hated. (Amatonormativity and dislike of remarriage strikes again!)

I kinda agree with @black-ak9 and @hotelt-resurrection. There's no animosity between Ericka and Martha (aside from Ericka disliking being negarively compared to her by others from the outside.) They'd actually get along swimmingly in a Morticia/Debbie or Morticia/Ophelia kind of way.

On a SADDER note, The 2nd kind of came from a dream in part. But basically, I wanted to Draw Eeicka struggling to comfort Drac and came up with the "Drac's having a bad grief day, kinda beating himself up a bit, and Ericka wants to comfort him but is held back thinking as a human who's family has hurt him so much - not to mention she herself having tried to kill him, she's not sure she has the RIGHT to." I like Ericka comforting Drac as they're both anxious traumatized beans but sometimes... their brains being mean to them is fun too.

Not bad considering these are the most detailed Martha drawings I've done and my problems drawing small. XD

Bonus: On a funnier note, I imagine Ericka fighting with her inner demons in her head at some point like that "You ain't reason, you a little bitch." comic. XD

@lovelylivelyv @ssleeping-in-a-coffin @drericka @ebevkisk @deathfangirl9 @drericka-prompts @drericka-is-lyfe-blog @drerickastan @erickadracula @erickaanddraculasblog @erickaanddracula @erickadracula @ericka4ever @neo-storm @kittyball23 @twinklecupcake @serial-serializednovelreader @deathfangirl9 @f-mhoteltransylvaniacomicseries @wingingfromthezing @heartsong1994

[rfkannen-art]

[hussyknee]

Struck me that it will be ten years since my Dad died this June. I feel each of those ten years, and yet the loss still feels...not fresh, because it was the most pain I had ever felt in my life when it was fresh. It's not the loss, because that's such a hollow, gaping thing. It's more his absence. I think I'm used to not having him around, and then suddenly... I'm not.

When the car rolls up after the weekly trip to the supermarket and Mum gets down and calls for help with the groceries, I still expect my Dad to walk in behind her, or the clatter of the car keys dropped on his secretary desk in the hall. I still expect his head to poke in my room to tell me something. Sometimes the air seems to hang in expectation of his heavy stomp on the stairs, or voice booming for me "Loku-puthaaaaa!" ("elder child" in informal Sinhalese).

It's impossible to explain how larger than life the man was. Six feet and built like a bear, but it's his personality that made him the most towering presence in my life for twenty-seven years. He filled every inch of the house, one of those people with his own well of gravity, so that everyone found themselves orbiting around him somehow. He had no small emotions. He roared with laughter or rage, and his silences were even more deafening. He was either the life of the party or leeched every bit of it with his glower. He incited equally extreme reactions. Everyone either loved him or hated him, wanted his approval and respect even when they hated him, resented him quite justifiably all the more when they needed him. He was a workhorse and workaholic; if you wanted something done or you had a problem, you went to him, and he took care of it. He took great pride in that even as he resented everyone laying their burdens at his door.

No one loved me like he did, and I've loved no one like I loved him. Still love him. I have never looked up to a person more, nor despised any other as much. He was not a good man, but nobody embodied his best qualities so well as him. I hate him so much I hope he's roasting in hell. I miss him so much it feels like I've lost a limb. When he died the world blew apart, and it's never been put back together since. The ringing silence of his absence is such a relief. I want him back so much, and I'm so glad he's dead.

Somehow, in the last ten years, those feelings have become reconcilable. They're strange bedfellows, but comfortable next to each other, a fitting legacy for someone who was a living contradiction in terms.

I love you, Dad. I know you love me too, still, wherever you are. I just wish you had known how to love me like I deserved.

[amberjazmyn]

my love, my life 💔🥹🫶

pairing : carlos sainz x fem!reader

summary : with the lyrics of mamma mia's version of abba's song, "my love, my life", we see carlos sainz jr and his wife cecelia sainz have their first child, a little girl called esmeralda rose, who was born on the same day as and named after her maternal grandmother rosanna perez.

warnings : mentions of deaths of parents from cancer, the birth of a child and baptism of said child, non-religious mom and semi-religious dad, crying, abba music if that's a warning, medical inaccuracies when it comes to pregnancy, inaccurate mentions of coronavirus

a/n : writing this for carlos because i wanted to write something again for carlos and this is what i finally decided on. as always, the lyrics will be in bold italics, any flashbacks or flashforwards will be in italics and year-stamped so it's not so confusing and present time of the literal baptism will be in regular font. also, yes, i have made cecelia, the wife of carlos, have the maiden name of perez but she is not related to checo perez who is on the same f1 grid as carlos. and the other drivers will be included as well. 

i've never felt this strong, i'm invincible, how could this go wrong?

december 28 | twenty twenty

cecelia almost screamed but couldn't since she was back at her family home in madrid, the rest of her family and her nieces and nephews in the loungeroom where her husband, was. this couldn't have been the reason why cecelia had been so ill recently, absolutely not was she pregnant and had been for a whole entire trimester already? there was absolutely no way that the positive pregnancy test in front of her and the messages from her obstetrician over the random madrid hospital phone app that she had were telling her that she had spent the last twelve/fourteen weeks pregnant with her and her husband carlos' first child and had absolutely no idea whilst also going through the last year of her mother's life due to cancer - rosanna perez succumbing to the horrific disease a couple of weeks ago, not even, on the fifteenth of this month.

but, it was absolutely true that cecelia was pregnant with her first baby. and it was the fact that if only she found out even two weeks ago, she may have just made it in time to tell her mum about her newest grandchild. and that was what took cecelia's strength and invincibility that she had built up since the death of rosanna from one hundred to zero with the click of a finger. cecellia was panicking, she was bent over crying, her head resting on the bathroom sink as her iphone filmed the entire thing. she had taken the pregnancy test at first as a joke after ana, carlos' sister and cecelia's sister-in-law, suggested it since ana had recognised the way cecelia was sick being the same way she was sick when she was pregnant with her and husband's first child. not once at all did cecelia think she was pregnant, sure, she thought she was ill but she genuinely just thought that was due to the grief and stress she had put herself through after the death of her mum rosanna and the broken heart syndrome that her father, riccardo, had just recently received.

no, here, here's where we belong, i see a road ahead i never thought i would dare to tread.

after cecelia finished her freak-out, she realised that maybe, whilst it was a road she never thought she'd tread, it was a road she belonged driving on. even with her husband being a formula one driver and constantly travelling around the world. wiping away her tears, cecelia picked up the pregnancy test with her shaky hands and she smiled, turning the positive pregnancy test to the iphone camera as she started laughing.

whispering, she spoke up, "...carlos is going to freak the fuck out! oh my gosh, he's going to be so happy this said positive! ay dios mío oh my god!" cecelia giggled as she then looked down to her tummy which didn't even indicate a 12/14 week baby bump

cecelia then realised because she was going into her second trimester, she was able to tell the rest of her family since there was now no longer any worry about her losing the baby. and then, she started crying all over again when she remembered carlos. carlos had always wanted to have a little family of his own. having a little mini carlos or little mini cecelia running around. and now, his dream was finally coming true. but, without his wife's mum with them. 

turning back to her iphone, cecelia spoke up again, "i need to tell everyone! but what do i do? i can't just tell them..." the spaniard trailed off as she tried to think of what she could do to announce the pregnancy to the rest of her family and husband as she quickly pressed stop on her camera recording

that was when a knock sounded on her door and she almost screamed, however, the voice that followed was not who she thought it was, "...lo siento i'm sorry, didn't mean to scare you cece, it's just ana here, are you okay? you've been in the bathroom for a while now, what did the test say?" breathing out in relief, cecelia unlocked the door so her sister-in-law could let herself in

letting herself in, ana closed the door and felt her heart sink when she saw her sister-in-law's teary face however, she wasn't ready for the scream that was to follow, "...i'm pregnant ana!" cecelia squealed out as loudly but also as quietly as possible as ana's face lit up in excitement

"seriously? cecelia, i didn't even mean to--"

"--no, don't apologise, ana! it's a good thing that you recognised my symptoms as being the same ones you had when you were pregnant! because i totally wouldn't have, not until i was giving birth anyway it seems like it..." cecelia trailed off as ana looked confused

"...what do you mean? you can't be that far along, could you?" ana questioned as cecelia nodded her head as ana's eyes widened

"ana, i've been pregnant for an entire trimester...if only i found out earlier, i may have been able to tell mum..." cecelia trailed off as ana's face deflated as she moved closer to the younger brunette

"...oh bebe oh, baby...cecelia i am so sorry!" ana's voice trembled as she pulled her sister-in-law in for a hug

like an image passing by, my love, my life, in the mirror of your eyes, my love, my life.

january | twenty twenty-one

cecelia and carlos couldn't hide their excitement as they watched their ob-gyn do an ultrasound of their baby. thankful that carlos was even able to make it to the ultrasound considering f1 could sometimes be rather unkind. after giggling over the coldness of the gel that the nurse had placed on her stomach, cecelia was entranced by the image on the ultrasound screen. she couldn't believe that inside of her tummy was a growing human being. whilst it wasn't their first ultrasound of their baby, it was still something that blew the husband and wife's minds every single time they came in for a new scan.

"...mr and mrs sainz, because of how many weeks the baby is, we are able to tell you guys the sex, is that something you want to know now or would you like to wait until the birth to find out?" the female ob-gyn questioned as cecelia and carlos smiled, their excitement doubling

"may we know now?" cecelia asked nervously, carlos nodding his head in agreement with his wife as the nurse smiled and nodded her own head in confirmation

"of course, you guys can! well, if you just look here, i can tell you that you are having a baby girl!" the ob-gyn was stoked to tell the new parents they were having a little girl, cecelia and carlos were silenced by shock

thankfully though, they weren't silenced for too long as tears quickly slipped from the corner of cecelia's eye that was closest to carlos as he wiped them away for her, "we're having a little girl, cece! that's amazing, thank you, doctor!" carlos spoke up with excitement as the doctor smiled and nodded her head as she moved the probe across cecelia's tummy a few more times

"my pleasure carlos and cecelia, and i can already tell how loved this little munchkin is," she responded as she wiped off the residual gel that had stayed on cecelia's tummy, allowing the soon-to-be mum to clean herself up properly

whilst the ob-gyn cleared her own station and led the sainz's back to the reception desk with the little envelope with the pink piece of paper inside of it stating that their baby was a little girl, she couldn't help but feel her heart breaking for the way cecelia reacted. it wasn't a secret that the sainz and perez family had just gone through a tragedy. it had been reported on by almost every single spanish and european media site, f1 related or not, that cecelia lost her mother, rosanna perez, carlos sainz jr losing his mother in law. and it was obvious that finding out that cecelia was now pregnant, not that long after the loss of her mum and now finding out it's a little girl would have been so conflicting and an added bag of emotions for the young girl to be carrying with her. the nurse just hoped that this child, this little girl would be the healing angel that cecelia and the rest of her family needed to heal and to see the light at the end of the grieving.

and, turns out that the ob-gyn was correct, that little girl would be the healing angel that the entire sainz-perez family needed.

i can see it all so clearly, all i love so dearly, images passing by, like reflections of your mind, my love, my life are the words i try to find, my love, my life.

february | twenty twenty-one

cecelia smiled and waited patiently in the press room of an f1 interview alongside her husband's f1 grid with david coulthard. she was going to announce publically, to the world, that she was pregnant after it had been rumoured. she was with the f1 grid because the rumours had gotten so bad that the magazines and journalists had started asking the other drivers about the rumours since the sainz's hadn't actually told any of them apart from fred vasseur, the team principal of ferrari and charles leclerc, carlos' teammate. and because charles had actually found out accidentally whilst cecelia was filming an ad for a clothing brand on her instagram. since cecelia's last ultrasound scan when she and carlos found out she'd be having a little girl, she had blown up like a little balloon and was starting to show so, it had gotten somewhat harder to hide the bump however, she managed with an oversized white button-down with a flowy skirt. the button-down being tied at the base of her belly button which somehow hid the fact she was ballooning with her little pregnancy bump after not showing for over fourteen weeks.

"...today's press conference we have my personal favourite guests in the world and they are the f1 grid and cecelia sainz, wife of carlos sainz jr. i interview them and i also find out what i'm being told is the best news in the entire world right after this break so don't change this channel..." david coulthard, the f1 interviewer announces as the camerman then signs that it's a commerical break to which david moves closer off his seat to speak with the f1 grid and cecelia

as he spoke with his favourite guests, david had a slight idea of what the younger girl's announcement could be but, again, he didn't want to pry nor did he wanna ruin the surprise for himself. so, he didn't even think about what the surprise announcement could even be. so, he continued his conversation like he always did, happy to catch up and also quickly sending his condolences to cecelia and carlos for the loss of mrs sainz's mother rosanna, moments before they were back on air. cecelia and carlos thanked david sweetly as they both smiled and readied themselves for the interview.

back on the air, david smiled and introduced the segment before he handed it over to the grid and cecelia, "...so, as i said before the break, i have the amazing drivers of the 2021 grid and the even more amazing, gorgeous young lady, cecelia sainz who is carlos' wife! so, guys, how have you all been? even though we did catch up a little during the commerical break, give us the gossip, what's been happening over lockdown?" david questioned, getting excited as he noticed the way cecelia seemed to be wanting to just already tell him and the rest of the grid and the world the big surprise news she was even in this interview for

"well, personally for the f1 grid, we've just been getting ready for our upcoming season after we had so many races taken out due to the pandemic. so, we're very very keen for it but, honestly, that's the only thing that's been different to what everyone else has been doing considering we've just been through lockdown just like everyone else has..." lando chuckled as david nodded his head and then smiled over to cecelia so she could answer for herself

"...umm, personally for me, i've been writing some music in my little home studio and doing some self-tapes for some tv and movie auditions but, carlos, we also recently returned from our honeymoon since it was postponed. because, for those who weren't aware, carlos and i got married just at the very beginning of twenty-twenty so, right before covid kind of destroyed everything *giggles* and it was only in the last couple of weeks where we were able to safely have a little honeymoon a year later so we went to greece for a couple of weeks which was exciting..." cecelia trailed off with a giggle as she had to stop herself from suddenly caressing her baby bump - a comfort thing she had since picked up ever since the belly had popped out of seemingly nowhere and instead placed her hands on the couch beside her

david smiled sweetly with a head-nod, "...that's gorgeous, i mean, we have got some photos here and where you and carlos were staying just looks absolutely lush! but, obviously, you made sure you were completely covid safe and took all of the precautions *cecelia nods her head* that's great. i'm glad you guys had so much fun considering it was still tainted due to the continuing worries of the pandemic..." david trailed off as cecelia nodded her head and smiled as she looked to carlos with a cheeky smile as he couldn't hide his giggle

this, obviously, caught the attention of david and the grid so, he questioned it, "...what was that about, mr and mrs sainz? care to share with the class? i feel like a teacher saying that but, care to share what's made you two giggle?" david laughs himself as the husband and wife calm themselves down as carlos speaks up

"i think cecelia is just ready to reveal the surprise announcement. you see, my wife can get quite impatient and can sometimes be close to ruining surprises if you make her wait for too long!" carlos giggles as cecelia shyly nods her head as david's face relaxes and he smiles, nodding his head as the other racers are still considerably confused

"okay then cecelia, come out with it. what is this big surprise announcement that you are so eager to tell us..." david was being cheeky as cecelia bit her lip as carlos gripped her hand tightly and she just came out with it

and, truthfully, this was not the surprise annouoncement that david or the drivers thought it was going to be, "...i'm pregnant with me and carlos' first baby..." cecelia trailed off, finally allowing her hands to cradle the growing baby bump, carlos' hand moving back to his lap as he bit his lip to stop his smile from getting any bigger and stupid

it was silent which freaked cecelia and carlos out but, it didn't last for too long when david cheered and stood up. ignoring the fact that he really shouldn't have pulled the newly pregnant woman in for a hug in regular non-covid times. but, especially now due to corona but, he'd known this girl since she was a kid when her parents first introduced her to formula one when he was still a driver. giggling, cecelia hugged the british former driver back before she moved out of the hug so she could sit back down as the other drivers were in shock at the surprise announcement. they genuinely had no idea that their teammates wife was pregnant. they knew she had been unwell ever since the loss of her mum, rosanna, but never did they think it was because mrs sainz was pregnant. but now, it made so much sense to them, especially when they remembered the way they heard carlos' sister ana immediately rushed up the stairs at the slight sound commotion heard by her from the upstairs bathroom to the right on that day that the drivers came to realise as the day that cecelia found out she was pregnant.

max was the first one out of the three to stand up and pull his former torro rosso teammate's wife in for a hug as she giggled, "...congratulations, cece! you've been pregnant this whole time?" max whispered as cecelia giggled and nodded her head

"yeah, this whole time!" cecelia giggled as lando, charles and daniel joined seconds later in an excited group hug as carlos watched on

thankfully the hug didn't last too long and david started to just focus on this new announcement and asked all the questions, "so, cecelia, how long have you been pregnant for? because from what it looks like, it looks like you've got a little bit of a bump," david smiled as cecelia smiled sweetly and nodded her head, caressing her little bump

"i found out i was pregnant on the twenty-eighth of december so, not that long after christmas and not that long after we lost my mum. however, i had been pregnant for a whole trimester before finding out that day. so, if i had found out earlier, i may have had the chance of telling this wonderful news of another grandchild to my mum..." cecelia trailed off as her smile stayed strong and didn't falter

"...aw, love. do you know the sex of the baby or, is that something you and carlos want to keep a secret until the birth?" david asks cautiously as cecelia nods her head, the other drivers, except for carlos, now in shock as they weren't told the sex of the baby

"yes, we do but, the surprise will be for these guys, they'll need to wait until the birth but, david, if you really can't wait that long, i can whisper it to you? so it's just between me, carlos and you?" cecelia giggled at the end as david's eyes lit up as he nodded his head, not caring this was live television

david stood up as cecelia followed, grabbing the english interviewer's hands and whispering it to him. david, if he wasn't on live television, could have burst out into tears but he managed to hold them off, "...congratulations, cecelia and carlos! oh, this baby is already so loved!" david whispered back after cecelia revealed that she and carlos were having a little girl

"thank you, d.c, this baby is so loved," she whispered back as they sat back down

the interview continued even though the excitement of cecelia and carlos' pregnancy took over and was still a big topic of discussion on everyone's lips, they continued to mention other things that were also supposed to be talked about. like the details of the next season of f1 that lando mentioned and the songwriting and auditions that cecelia had mentioned she'd been doing as well.

but i know i don't possess you, with all my heart, god bless you, you'll be my love and my life. you're my one and only.

present time | twenty twenty-two

cecelia was running around everywhere like a headless chicken as carlos and their little baby girl stood watching. carlos was trying to sort everything out but wasn't able to due to the way she was so manic about it and, carlos called her out over it.

"...cariño, cariño, CECELIA...querida, you won't be able to sort everything out before little one's baptism if you continue to be so manic over it!" carlos chuckled at the end as cecelia finally stopped herself and nodded her head in agreement dear, dear. darling

"sorry bebe, it's just..."

"...yeah, i get it, it's hard that she's not here but, just remember who still is here. i'm here bebe, you're here, nuestro pequeño está aquí our little one is here. if you keep on freaking out, you won't be able to get anything done..." carlos trailed off before continuing

"...i know your mum wasn't so sure about our future children getting baptised into the catholic church, but the spanish catholic church more specifically. but, it's truly only because of the fact that her papa is spanish and, if my own mama wasn't so insistent, i would have also said no to this happening. but, because i'd get my arse kicked, i compromised...we compromised and said our children would only get baptised and if they so chose to be religious as they got older, they could choose..." carlos smiled as he wrapped his arms around cecelia as she smiled and nodded her head

her husband was correct. the only reason why their one-year-old was getting baptised into the spanish catholic church at a year old was because of the little girl's spanish lineage due to her father being fully born and raised in spain. because originally, not only cecelia but carlos himself was unsure about their children being baptised when it wasn't really a thing that exisited in his wife's family. although cecelia was also spanish, born and raised, her family were not religious. 

"...so, cece, what is it you need to get done before we leave?" carlos was calm and he was collected and that was truly one of the reasons why cecelia fell in love with him because he always balanced out her impulsiveness and her anxiety-induced living whilst being an f1 driver for ferrari all at the same time

and, when it came to responding to her husband's question, cecelia had no idea how to respond, "umm, i actually don't know..." and that was because everything that needed to be done had already been done so this very situation wouldn't happen even though it was going to happen anyway because it always did

"...thought so, and it's because everything has already been done! we should be in the car driving to the church right now for bug's christening but, because i already suspected that this was going to happen, i rang up the priest in advance just in case. so, your welcome bebe, now can we make out way out of this house and to the church, please?" carlos tilted his head to the side with a cheeky smile as cecelia opened and then closed her mouth and smiled, shaking her head

"thanks, carlitos. i'd really be losing the plot if i didn't have you with me," cecelia whispered as she moved closer to her husband and daughter, her lips almost caressing her husband's face as he pulled away with a chuckle

"not here babe, we need to go watch our daughter's christening and your welcome and i too would lose the plot if i didn't have you with me, cariño dear," carlos spoke as the husband and wife left it at that with their conversation and made it out of their house to their car

on their drive to the church for their daughter's christening into the spanish catholic chruch, which would be photographed by vogue espana, cecelia felt a calm rush over her. her husband was right, she should really stop making her focus be on those who she no longer has with her. even though it included both her parents, rosanna and riccardo, riccardo lost his battle with broken heart syndrome ten months after rosanna, a couple of months after cecelia had given birth to her and carlos' little girl.

i held you close to me, felt your heart beat and i thought: i am free. oh yes, and as one are we in the now and beyond, nothing and no one can break this bond.

may | twenty twenty-one

cecelia hadn't felt this kind of pain in her life before but, it was a pain that she was sure she never wanted to feel again...even if it meant she never gave her daughter any more siblings. but, in all truthfulness, this pain was surely going to be forgotten about any moment when she...

...hears the cries of her little baby girl for the very first time...

"...here's your little girl, mamá and papá. isn't she just gorgeous?" hayley, cecelia's midwife smiled as she handed over the baby girl as cecelia choked down a happy sob, her arms cradling her baby girl as though it was a regular instinct - as if in a past life cecelia had been a mother before

"she's beautiful, oh my goodness, we made this baby, carlitos!" cecelia turned to her husband who smiled tearfully as he nodded his head, too tired to speak in spanish 

"yeah we did bebe, we made out little miracle, cariño!" carlos sniffled, wiping away a tear with his shoulder as he slowly sat himself down on the edge of the hospital bed, his hand reaching up to touch the top of his newborn's head

"wow...we're parents, carlos. we actually have our little family! we have our little dogs, our husky girl bambi and piñón and now we have our little esmeralda rose..." cecelia trailed off, tears hitting her eyes as she realised she had just said the name of her baby girl out loud for the first time

and it made both carlos and hayley smile, "...so, is esmeralda rose this little pretty's name?" she asked, rolling her wheely chair towards the computer to write up the birth certificate as both parents, cecelia and carlos nodded their heads

"yeah, esmeralda rose is her name...rose for her middle name since that's her abuela's grandmother's name and because they were born on the same day and esmeralda as her first name since it's my middle name," cecelia explained as hayley nodded her head, knowing the significance of the little girl's name

"that's beautiful, cecelia. however, because little esmeralda is earlier than her due date in august, we do have to place her in an incubator, however, once she reaches a certain weight, she'll be able to leave. is that all okay?" hayley asks, knowing how daunting it can be from being so happy with your newborn in your arms to them then being taken away to a different room

and cecelia and carlos smiled, both understanding that they couldn't hold onto their little girl forever like many other parents who had their babies on time, "absolutely fine, hayley. thank you for telling us, we'll be glad to hear that she'll be able to gain some more weight since she is really tiny," cecelia spoke up, only now realising just how tiny their little esmeralda was as carlos too only realised

"wonderful, well, if you two want to, we can either have the abuelas and abuelos grandfathers and godparents meet little esmeralda in here or we can place her in the incubator and have them meet her in there. which would you prefer?" hayley then asks as cecelia and carlos smile, they could choose how their family meet their little bundle of joy

"we can choose?" carlos choked out in shock as hayley giggled and nodded her head with a smile, making the new parents smile

"absolutely you can! however, if you do want for them to meet esmeralda in here, it can only be for five minutes per person before i'd have to then take her and place her into an incubator a couple of floors above us. is that okay?" hayley questioned as carlos and cecelia nodded their heads straight away

"that's absolutely fine, hayley! we just want them to see her, they've waited for so long already, i feel selfish enough making them wait whilst we have this conversation," cecelia giggled as hayley nodded her head 

this movement encouraged carlos to fetch his parents, esme's grandparents and the godparents. who, were obviously max, carlos' former teammate from torro rosso and cecelia's best friend as well as his girlfriend, kelly piquet. 

so, that's what carlos did, like the proud husband and father he was, he wiped away his tears with a tissue. placed it in his jeans pocket, gave a kiss to his two girls and rushed down the hallway to announce the happy news.

like an image passing by, my love, my life, in the mirror of your eyes, my love, my life. i can see it all so clearly, images passing by

june | twenty twenty-one

the last time cecelia sat in an interview with david coulthard, she was in the second trimester of her pregnancy with little esmeralda and now, she was just a month gone from giving birth to the little girl. since it was the twenty-ninth of june, this interview today was.

and, in the audience, slightly behind the camera was her husband carlos, their little girl esme and her godparents max and kelly and the rest of esme's f1 uncles and aunties who were watching the solo interview.

with the show on the air, david introduced his guest, "...on today's show, i have my favourite guest on the show. you know her pretty well because the last time i interviewed her, it just felt like yesterday when it february, only a few months ago, she announced her first pregnancy with her husband on live television with her husband's f1 teammates...it's only cecelia perez sainz sitting with me today on our brand new couches everybody!" david introduced as that earned a lot of applause as cecelia giggled and applauded

"haha, thank you for that wonderful introduction david, it's great to be back being interviewed by you and on this new couch, oh my goodness, so comfy!" cecelia giggled after pulling out from the hug david pulled her into as she sat back down, crossing her right leg over her left, slanting them to the side

"isn't it so comfy? i'd sleep on these couches if i could *giggles*. oh my goodness, it is so lovely to see you again and to catch up since, like already mentioned, the last time you were here, you announced that you were pregnant with you and your husband's first baby. and then just after that we spoke only briefly during my interview with carlos at the end of may since you were in the background and you were just about to pop weren't you?" david pointed and brought it back to rest on his lip as cecelia giggled and nodded her head

"yes, i was about to pop! literally hours from giving birth *giggles* so, my due date was originally in august of this year so, in two months...one month basically. but, no, the little one said absolutely not mamá, get me out of here now! *giggles* and i had to be induced and have the c-section to get her out and, she was a preemie baby but, thankfully she gained weight pretty quickly and within a couple of weeks i think, we were able to bring her back home with us," cecelia nodded as she smiled as david smiled as well

"aw, isn't the little one just gorgeous, falling asleep in papá's arms," david cooed, his eyes captured by the little sleeping girl as cecelia's eyes followed and she nodded her head with a small giggle

"i know, i still can't believe she's ours. like, i was fine with just having our little husky, bambi and little piñón for a little while before starting to try. but, apparently, we didn't even need to try," cecelia giggled as david and the audience giggled as well

"seems as though you didn't *giggles* but, back to this little bundle of joy because, you and carlos have obviously picked out a name for her, but, it's quite a special name, isn't it? would you like to tell us what the name of your beautiful little girl is?" david introduced, even though he was already told, he was still hanging to see how the rest of the audience (minus the family who of course already knew) was going to react

"of course i can, david. so, our little baby girl's name is esmeralda rose sainz perez *coos* and the reason why she is called esmeralda rose is that one, esmeralda, her first name, is my middle name and two, rose, her middle name, is the shortened version of my mother's name which is rosanna. we also came up with that name ages ago not even thinking what day esme was going to be born on either..." cecelia trailed off as david smiled

"...so, what day was little esme born on, may i ask, cecelia?" david questioned as his eyes sparkled with excitement as cecelia smiled, her concentration going to the very little girl and her husband who was teary

"she was born on the twenty-ninth of may, the same day as her abuela, rosanna," cecelia smiled, her own tears building in her eyes, managing to will them away as david's face relaxed and he smiled sweetly

"aw, that is so special and that is crazy because that was the same day we saw you for the last time briefly in my interview with carlos, cece. so, you were moments away from popping!" david smiled, a still of his zoom interview with carlos and just a little peak of six-month about to give birth pregnant cecelia

"i know, it was absolutely terrifying as well david because it was like, the second your guys' interview finished, my contractions started. and bang, carlos, myself and carlos' sister ana were off to the hospital. thankfully, esme had managed to wait until after silverstone to decide that during the three week break that she was going to arrive so we had time to leave england and return back to spain so i could give birth in madrid. and after trying to have esme naturally, my midwife, hayley, came back to us and said we had to c-section because esme wasn't in the right position since she was so small. so, the only other safe way to get her out and delivered alive was to have her c-sectioned and i'm forever grateful that we did do the c-section otherwise we wouldn't have our little love," cecelia explained as david smiled and nodded his head, the audience watching in awe

"aw, bless. and speaking of the little one, how old is she now?" david questioned as cecelia's eyes widened, how old was her daughter? what day was it? was today the twenty-ninth or the thirtieth of june?

"uhh, shoot, what day is it today?" cecelia asked in a hilarious panic as carlos reached for his phone

"it's the twenty-ninth, cariño!" shouting back to his wife, cecelia metaphorically clutched her pearls, grateful that her in-head counting was indeed correct along with the finger counting she hadn't been so secretive with as she liked

"oh, thank god! she is a month old! oh my goodness, i didn't count wrong!" cecelia could only giggle at her baby brain in the same way she laughed over everyone elses when they had kids

"wow, she's already a month? that's crazy how time flies, soon it'll be two!" david was in shock as cecelia nodded her head and she turned after hearing the crowd coo in aw only to see a photo cecelia had posted of the day she, carlos and little esme left the hospital

"i know, don't start me off, david. it makes me so emotional that she's already a month!" cecelia giggled as she turned back from the photo back to david to continue the interview

the interview continued on smoothly, except for a couple of times when esme cried out for her mamá. the second time carlos had apologetically brought up the little one so she could be held by her mamá for the rest of the interview. where in which she stayed silent the rest of the interview, content in her mamá's arms, her tiny little hands gripping tightly to her mamá's pinky finger.

like reflections of your mind, my love, my life, are the words i try to find, my love, my life. but i know i don't possess you, with all my heart, god bless you.

present time | twenty twenty-two

walking into the spanish catholic church with her little bundle of joy, her little esmeralda, cecelia was happy. she was content and she was in peace. even though none of her family, including her parents, rosanna and riccardo, weren't so sure on the spanish catholic baptism of their nieta granddaughter, it was still upsetting that they weren't there to witness it. because whilst they weren't really wanting it, like cecelia and carlos weren't, they wouldn't have disrespected the event because they knew that it was a compromise made by the parents and grandparents of esme that she would be baptised and if she got older and wanted to go further in the religion or not, she had that choice to. but, honestly, cecelia had truly made peace with that ages ago, way before the situation in the house had happened before they left. it was truthfully just a moment of vulnerability for the new mother and she had no other way of describing it other than her missing her parents, her mother especially.

in her flowing champagne-coloured wrap dress, cecelia held her daughter as esme's christening dress overwhelmed her because of how big it was. cecelia held her as she walked through the hall of the church and towards the priest, her husband carlos and esme's godparents, max and kelly with kelly's little girl, penelope, close by.

cecelia smiled in a joy that could have only been described as overwhelming. she knew every single person in this church: first, her remaining family which were her brothers and sisters with their partners and children; the (other) perez family, sergio "checo" and carola and their beautiful kids; pierre gasly and his girlfriend francisca; charles leclerc and his girlfriend alexandra and the rest of his family. and that was just the "main" f1 grid, there was also sebastian vettel and his family, david coulthard and his family were invited. there was no use in introducing every single guest and their families and plus ones that sat in this church in madrid, spain for esmeralda rose perez sainz's christening. however, it just really reiterated to cecelia how loved this little one-year-old baby girl was to so many people that weren't her direct family.

cecelia basked in the flashing lights from the photographers but made sure to still shield little esme's face just in case the lights still frightened her like they used to. especially when she'd visit her papá during race week and she'd get scared by all the noise and cameras. however, in a cheeky, sly move, the little one-year-old smacked her mamá's hand away and seemed to stare right down the barrel of one particular photographer's camera. of course, this shocked both mamá and papá but also made them snicker at the same time as cecelia then looked up and blood rushed to her ears in an instant.

cecelia couldn't help the blank, emotionless stare she shared towards the female photographer that little esme had also seemed to be entranced by. it was just that...the young photographer looked scarily similar to her mother, rosanna perez. that was until the young girl had completely morphed into cecelia's mother and the young mother was glad she didn't completely drop little esme herself.

it obviously scared the crap out of cecelia that she was the only one that was seeing her own mother in this female photographer but, she continued to zone out until a little side tap from her husband, carlos. it was only then that cecelia fazed out from the void she was in and noticed that the young female photographer no longer looked like her beloved mother and continued to photograph the christening. little esme taking a liking to the girl.

"...oye, cece, cariño, de qué se trató todo eso? estás bien?" carlos later questioned in spanish as he held esme after they finished the walk back up to the church foyer now that the one year old had been christened oi, cece, baby, what was that all about? you okay?

"sí... sí, estoy bien nena. solo, esa fotógrafa, la que tenía cabello castaño, se parecía aterradoramente a mamá, eso es todo... parecía como si esme también pensara lo mismo..." cecelia shook her head and rubbed her eyes, feeling like she was going insane as carlos smiled, gently kissing his wife's golden hair yeah...yeah, i'm fine babe. just, that female photographer, the one with brown hair looked scarily similar to mum, that's all...it seemed as though esme thought so too

"...i thought i was the only one who noticed that. she did look so much like your mum, i secretly hoped she'd do the dramatic movie reveal thingy, coming out with the dramatic news that she was your long-lost sixth sibling," carlos chortled in english as cecelia cackled, her head shaking

"oh shut up, carlitos...she is not my long-lost sixth sibling, you goose. besides, the more i looked at her afterwards, i saw the differences that truly sold it to me that she wasn't anyone in the family that we should have been told about," cecelia giggled as she grabbed esme from him as carlos nodded his head

"okay, that's good to know bebe, i'll be back in a moment, i promised ana and blanca that i'd touch base with them after the christening, see you soon darling, i miss my two girls already!" carlos shouted after he had left his two girls with kisses to their heads as that allowed the verstappen-piquets to swoop in to have a conversation with the mother and newly christened daughter

"...hey, max, victoria and kelly! penelope, lio and luka! did you behave?" cecelia lit up in excitement, hugging all six of them as the little girl nodded her head to her aunty cecelia, victoria's little boys, lio and luka giving a shy head nod

"she behaved exceptionally well, cece, she was quiet the whole entire time and luka and lio were also very well behaved. and, also, just a quick note, did you notice the female photographer right at the front that looked ridiculously like your mum?" kelly whispered at the end, just in case she felt like she was insane as cecelia giggled and nodded her head

"good to hear she behaved and, yes, i did and so did esme. did you see the way she smacked my hand away when that lady's camera started flashing?" cecelia giggled as kelly, victoria and max both nodded their heads

"it was absolutely bizarre, i thought i was going crazy when i turned around to see her," max spoke up this time as cecelia nodded her head in agreement

"i thought so too! i then had that weird moment where after looking at her for too long, she actually turned into mum which was even weirder. but, i then saw the things that was the reminder that she wasn't my mum," cecelia giggled as she bopped esme up on her hip higher since she started to slip

the verstappen-piquet's stayed to chat with cecelia and esme until papá had come back from his conversation with his family and happily picked up esme when she reached out for him. allowing cecelia to build up her arm strength again after feeling like they were going to fall off.

you are still my love and my life, yes i know i don't possess you. with all my heart, god bless you, you are still my love and my life

present time | twenty twenty-two

cecelia softly started to sing the song that was playing during the mamma mia: here we go again movie when she finally looked up from playing with esme and realised the song she had been singing the entire time...

...she had been singing along to my love, my life without even consciously realising it whilst the entire christening scene of sophie and sky's baby was going on during the duration of the song. and it reminded cecelia of esme's christening that had just happened the day before. it was sort of ironic because the scene that was playing in front of her was the exact same scene that played in cecelia's head when she saw that female photographer that looked ever so similar but yet still so different to her mother.

she then grabbed her phone and quickly put together a little instagram post dedicated to her little girl, her love and her life: esmeralda rose. 

liked by carlossainz55, maxverstappen1, schecoperez, francisca.cgomes, kellypiquet and 9k others

ceceliaperezsainz you're my one and only esmeralda rose 🤍

view all comments

carlossainz55 my two beautiful girls 🤍

ceceliaperezsainz carlossainz55 my beautiful man 🤍

maxverstappen1 absolutely gorgeous 🤍

ceceliaperezsainz maxverstappen1 thank you maxie🤍

schecoperez pretty baby girl 🤍

ceceliaperezsainz schecoperez isn't she just checo🤍

francisca.cgomes esmeralda is gorgeous, cece 🤍

ceceliaperezsainz francisca.cgomes i mean, her parents are also gorgeous so it makes sense

kellypiquet beautiful baby and baby mama 🤍

ceceliaperezsainz kellypiquet truth has been told 🤍

davidcoulthard esmeralda is beautiful, cecelia🤍

ceceliaperezsainz davidcoulthard thank you, david! she is truly everything i could have dreamt of for our first baby 🤍

fin

and this is finished! woo, what a fun time writing this but it was difficult! i am also kind of proud of the kind of mamma mia/cecelia moment i added in there but, i think it could have for sure been written better, right now, i like it. also, just to reiterate, cecelia is not a real person, she is a character which means her parents are not real, they are made up and were killed off for the plot. and also, i totally made up the fact that david coulthard has his own tv show but whatever!

©⠀amberjazmyn's original work. do not translate or steal any of my fics. 2024

[chronicsheepdrawing]

Touching up on my pixel art skills by debuting yet another oc with this specific type of hairstyle I love to draw, Peregrine!

A homunculus who witnessed their master's ( supposed ) execution at a young age, Peregrine overthrew the local royalty and spends his days in a drunken haze inflicting misery on those they feel wronged her.

[monstersandmaw]

Heads up (read tags too) on what’s been going on.

Just a little heads up that my dad is dying and he’s probably going to go in the next week. It could be longer, but I went to see him today and he looked like a cadaver, barely clinging to life. This was probably the last time I’ll see him.

It’s been a harrowing few months for him, for my mum, and for me, and I want to thank those of you who knew and have been enormously kind. Our lives have been completely on hold while he’s been slipping away, and it’s clear that he’s not long for this world.

He smiled and knew who I was when I held his hands today, but he couldn’t speak and he couldn’t even turn his head or hold it in place or lift it from the pillow. He couldn’t drink and he’s so thin that they’ve stopped weighing him because he’s too ill for them to worry about that now. He honestly looked like a corpse in the bed already.

I just wanted to post this so anyone wondering where I’ve been and why I’ve not felt like doing much in the creative line of things for months can now hopefully just understand.

Thanks again for your kind thoughts and messages over the past few months. Please don’t feel like you need to add anything or reach out because of this, but I just wanted folks to know why I’ve been so reclusive and empty for the better part of this year so far.

Take care of yourselves, and let your loved ones know you love them, every chance you get.

[darcylightninglewis]

I’m in Albany, saw Dad. It’s one thing to hear a description and try to prepare yourself. It’s another to see it. He can barely stand on his own now. It’s like Mom all over again, it should be against the law for multiple loved ones to die of cancer.

I know the world has never been a fair place, but this is getting more than ridiculous.

It’s bad enough feeling helpless once, knowing there is nothing I can do to help. But twice? Twice I’m useless in the face of my parents slow painful death unable to provide comfort or relief, nor can I allow my brother to mourn with me as my brother, no he’s in doctor mode.

Fuck cancer.

[sincerelybubbles]

Tw: parental death

My dad died this morning :T

I’ve been estranged from him for years but it’s still weird

[flowersarefreetherapy]

You Are My Sunshine: Lost and Found

CW: Parental death, past child abuse, implied past domestic violence, panic attack, mental breakdown, abuse flashbacks, mentioned alcoholism, grief, complicated family dynamics, negative self-talk, BBU universe

She’s passed

Thad stares at his phone, fingers hovering over the enlarged keyboard. The letters shift and dance. He blinks hard, telling himself the burning in his eyes is from the strain of reading. His fingers shake.

When?

Last night. She drove herself to the hospital. It was a stroke

The plastic edge of his phone case digs into his skin. She drove herself. His mother drove herself to the hospital and died from a stroke there. Alone. In a hospital away from her children, and the asshole she called a husband.

The three dots dance across the screen. Emmanuel still typing. Thad blinks and watches, forcing himself to breathe slowly. His heart burns along with his eyes and it’s all he can do to keep from throwing his phone, punching the wall, letting the pain building inside bleed into damage he can see.

Her parents want her body returned to Japan. Lindsey and I were planning to go to the funeral

We can afford another ticket

If you want?

Thad takes another deep breath. Robin texts. They’re picking up dinner and coming home. He can make it until they come home. All he has to do is wait a little longer. He can make it.

He forces his fingers to move again. I’ll have to ask Robin

It’s alright if you can’t, I know it’s a challenge

Because he can’t leave the country. Because he doesn’t have a passport. Because in the eyes of the government he doesn’t exist and that means he cannot leave the country legally for his mother’s funeral. All things Emmanuel knows. Somewhere deep inside, he knows that Emmanuel doesn’t care. He already has a plan, or has favors he can call in, or has a list of reasons Thad doesn’t have a passport apart from the barcode etched into his skin.

It’s been too long. He has to respond.

I’ll make it work. Thank you for letting me know

Of course. I love you

I love you

It feels weird, saying those words after they’ve been locked away in the back of his mind for so long. I love you. To a brother he doesn’t remember, to a family he thinks he can envision if he grabs at the shadows dancing in the back of his mind, but he doesn’t want to. There are scars on his mind that don’t come from WRU and they run far deeper than any wounds left by his handlers.

Thad puts his phone on the coffee table and presses his hand to his mouth. A twisting vortex opens in his chest, sucking in every emotion and leaving his mind a blank slate. Memories slip in and out. He tries to keep breathing. He tries to hold on.

When he blinks again, he’s lying on his side, arms curled against his chest. As if he was trying to fit in a small cage. With a wince, he forces his legs straight. His knee catches. A few curses slip free as he rubs at the muscle, slowly able to straighten out. Shoulders next. Painful, muscles desperate to remain in familiar curled positions. Thad sucks in a deep breath and runs through his stretches, picturing the ridiculously cheerful YouTube instructor who makes the videos he follows every week. Gradually, his muscles relax.

Keys jingle and the door opens. “Thad! I’m home!”

“H-hey, sunshine.” Thad forces himself off the couch. He cannot be there all day, no matter how much he wants to.

“Hey …” Robin’s smile falls and they put down their work bag. “Is everything alright?”

“My-my mother … she passed away last night. A stroke. She-she drove herself!” He leans heavily against the table, hand shaking. “She drove herself! He-he’s home, he doesn’t work, he could have driven her, but she drove herself!”

“Oh sunshine …”

Robin’s arms wrap around him. They smell like cedar today. Their jacket zipper digs into the side of his face, but Thad doesn’t care. He clings to them, choking on a sob as they slowly move back to the couch. Sitting down feels like falling. Thad grips Robin’s arm and fights to draw in a full breath.

They’re saying something. It’s meant to be soothing, based on their tone, but the words fall like a feather onto snow. Silent, unhelpful, heard by no one. Dimly, he’s aware of his fingers digging into Robin’s arm. He forces himself to relax his grip. No one is in danger. Robin is safe. He is safe.

Then why does it hurt so badly!

His father was home! He should have been the one to drive her! He should have been the one to take her to the hospital, stay by her side, and be there in her final moments! Thad grinds his teeth against fabric to keep from picking up his phone, dialing a number as familiar to him as his own, and screaming himself hoarse at the monster who haunts his nightmares.

Why couldn’t you love her! Why! You promised her a better life and yet you let her die alone in a country she never loved! You bastard! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!

“Sunshine, it hurts.”

Thad reels back, staring at Robin’s arm. Indents mark the sleeve of their leather jacket, perfectly in the shape of his teeth.

“R-Robin, I’m so sorry. I’m so, so sorry. I didn’t … I didn’t mean to, I didn’t, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I-”

“It was an accident,” they whisper, taking his hand. “There’s nothing to apologize for, sunshine. It just stung a little and I didn’t want you to hurt yourself.”

Thad sobs, doubling over himself. He’s terrified to reach out and touch his partner, to ask for assurance, for comfort. What if he hurts them again? What if he does more? Is he a danger to Robin?

No. I’m not what they made me. No. They love me. They love me. They love me. I am not what they made me. My name is Thad Castillo. My partner is Robin Castillo. I am a kindergarten teacher. I have 32 kids in my classroom. Robin is a lawyer. We have five children. I have a younger brother. I am not what they made me. I am not what they made me. I am not what they made me.

I am not what they made me.

“I brought home ice cream,” Robin whispers. “How about you go to bed and I’ll bring us some?”

The words are not spoken as an order, but Thad allows his mind to interpret it as such. He nods and forces himself to his feet. The hallway stretches into eternity before him. One foot, then another. One foot, then another. Porcelain clinks against each other as Robin pulls out bowls for ice cream. Carpet gives way under his shaking steps. The bed is only a few feet away.

Thad collapses onto the bed. He crawls far enough for his head to press against his pillow, but doesn’t make it any further. Just the thought of moving is too much.

Robin sets a large bowl of ice cream on the nightstand. “It’s chocolate, love.”

Thad’s eyes burn. Chocolate. They got him his favorite ice cream and his repayment was hurting them!

Robin’s cool fingers run through his hair. Thad forces his breathing to steady. They hum as they change into pajamas and pull the covers over both of them. Despite everything, they still lay close to him. Thad reaches out and wraps his arm around their waist. He moves just enough for his head to rest against their shoulder.

“You are my sunshine, my only sunshine,” they sing softly, running their fingers through his hair. “You make me happy when skies are grey. . .”

Thad closes his eyes, falling asleep to the sound of his partner’s singing.

………………………………………

One . . . two, three . . . four . . . five, six, seven . . . eight . . .

Thad stands in a corner of the room, watching the guests place silver envelopes on the small table. The numbers fall easily into place, slotting themselves around the shattered pieces of his heart. At his side, Robin sways, the hem of their black dress gliding over their boots. Emmanuel and his wife greet some of the guests, their voices low. One of them, an older woman, makes her way towards them and Thad unconsciously stiffens.

“Love,” Robin whispers. He grips their hand. “Breathe.”

“I am so sorry for your loss,” she says softly, but thankfully in English. “My name is Mizuki. I was your mother’s next-door neighbor when we were girls.”

“Thank you,” Thad forces out. “I’m her oldest son, Thaddeus, and this is my . . .” he freezes, desperately trying to remember if Japan had gender-neutral terms. His brain stutters.

“I’m his partner,” Robin says, effortlessly filling the space in the conversation. “Robin.”

“It’s a pleasure to meet both of you. I wish it was under better circumstances.” Mizuki smiles. “She has wonderful children. I always knew she would make a good mother.”

Thad’s heart twists, but he forces himself to keep smiling. “She was the best mother. Her-her loss will be felt deeply by all of us.”

“I always knew she shouldn’t have gone to America. But what can you do? She was stubborn and set in her ways, determined to make a better life for herself elsewhere. Somehow.”

Thad cannot keep up the façade. His smile drops as he fights to keep breathing. “She was stubborn.”

Mizuki pats his arm. “I am truly sorry for your loss.”

She moves on. Thad steps back until his head knocks against the wall. His shoulders relax and he can finally draw in a full breath. Robin watches him closely.

“I’m alright, I promise.”

“We will leave the minute you need to.”

Thad nods and takes another deep breath. In and out. Counting the seconds. In and out. In and out.

The room grows quiet. People slowly leave, each one muttering their condolences as they pass him and Emmanuel. Thad can’t help a churning of his stomach when he hears a few muttered comments about the missing family member.

I hope he drinks himself to death in a ditch somewhere.

“Thank God that’s over with,” Emmanuel mutters, stepping to his side.

Thad nods. He can’t fully trust himself to speak.

“I’m sorry the tickets weren’t any later. I know you and Robin must be tired.”

“We’re alright. How is Erica?”

“Good. The doctors say the meds should kick in within a few weeks, so we shouldn’t expect to see changes right away, but she’s been happier than ever. Last week she spent hours talking with Lindsey about hairstyles and dresses.” Emmanuel sighs. “I just wish her first dress had been bought for a different occasion.”

Thad glances to where his niece stands by Lindsey. The dress is black, but there are just enough ruffles to make him smile.

“It looks lovely.”

Emmanuel hums. “. . . how are your kids?”

“They’re doing well, despite some rough patches.”

“That’s part of raising kids, I am learning. I-I never realized just how much Mum did for us. And how much you did.”

Thad frowns, a lance of pain shooting through his skull. “Me?”

Emmanuel nods. “I know this isn’t the time, but thinking about her, about everything . . . you were our protector, Thad. I remember so many times you stepping in, stopping him from doing something . . .”

“You are my baby brother,” he mutters. “I had to protect you.”

“I never got the chance to properly thank you, so thank you. I mean it, Thad. You saved our lives. I-I’m just sorry that you—”

“It was a decision I will never regret. The best thing in my life came from that decision.”

“They’re quite something, aren’t they. I can’t turn on the news without hearing about something they’re doing.”

Thad glances to where Robin talks with Lindsey. Their ass really looks good in that dress. Despite the headache, he finds himself smiling. “They really are.”

They exchange a few more words before Emmanuel excuses himself. Thad rejoins Robin, who slips their arm around him.

“How was it?” they whisper.

“Fine. Short as usual.”

They hum. Somehow, Thad makes it through the rest of the night, despite a growing headache that starts behind his eye and then radiates through the rest of his skull. Dancing shadows line his memories, the smell of alcohol burning his nose even though he knows no one here is drinking cheap beer. His arm spasms, desperate to clench fingers that no longer exist. The hair on the back of his neck stands on end. Every nerve in his body screaming he is in danger.

Emmanuel laughs.

Suddenly he’s standing in his living room. The wooden floor under him becomes carpet and he can feel the tacky, clumped stains where it would never be clean again. Tom and Jerry plays on the TV. Easy, no dialogue, something his mother can follow along. If she’s there. If she’s paying attention. He walks across the carpet towards the sagging couch, smiling at the little boy sitting there with Emmanuel’s familiar upturned nose. Staring at the TV, a bag of chips in hand. Under his feet the washer clunks and screeches, begging for death as his mother forces another load of laundry in.

It's peaceful, quiet, and Thad can’t breathe. He hears Robin but also hears the sound of the beatup truck coughing in the driveway. As if in a dream, he tells Emmanuel to put away the chips and get out his homework. Emmanuel moves too slow, too slow, there are footsteps entering the house, beer, so much beer, he can’t take a breath, hand on the back of his neck, pulling him into the kitchen, further, further! Beer bottle slamming on the counter and Thad can’t raise his eyes. His gaze locked on his dirty shoes, the scuffed floor.

White room. No carpet. The carpet is back. His dream self thrown against the fridge from the force of the blow. Dropping to his knees on while tile. Hit again. Closed fist. He doesn’t look up, can’t look up, don’t look at him, don’t look at him, don’t look at him!

“Sunshine? Thaddeus!”

Thad whimpers, the sound catching in the back of his throat. He can’t look up. The floor under his knees fades to vinyl. Fake wood, the color of midnight. Sterile, but warm. The shoes in front of him are familiar. They sit next to his tennis shoes in the doorway. This isn’t his floor, but he knows those shoes.

“Sunshine, love, can you please name five things you can see?”

An order. I have to obey an order. “F-floor. Shoes. Your shoes.” A quick glance to his left. “Small fridge.” There’s a word for that. Stupid! You’re so stupid! Dumb mutt!

“Oh, no, no, no.” Whispered, full of panic. “Thad, you aren’t dumb, honey. You’re my incredibly talented husband.”

Husband. He can’t be a husband, he’s not at—those shoes. Robin’s shoes. Robin. His partner.

Robin.

Thad doubles over, tears sliding down his face. Once they start, he can’t stop. It’s as if every safeguard in his mind crashes down, burying him under memories, twisting together his childhood home and the hell that shaped him into one horrifying mess. Strong arms wrap around him and he buries his face in Robin’s shoulder, sobbing. Snot and tears smear across their dress, but they don’t pull away, just gently sway.

“He couldn’t even bother to be there!” Thad sobs. “She’s gone! She’s gone and he doesn’t care! I hope he’s dead! I hope he’s fucking dead and rotting!”

Robin hums. For a moment, he hates himself for breaking down, for failing to be strong. But you know they don’t want you to be strong. They want you to be open, to trust them.

“He made me. . .” Thad whispers against Robin’s neck. “He-he made me sign up, I-I remember!”

“Oh Thad . . .”

“Manny-. . . Mum couldn’t get another job! We barely made it through the summer!” His head throbs as if it will split in two, the white rooms replaced with a home that always smelled of cheap beer. “I-I didn’t eat for days! Manny’s the smart one, Manny needed the future! He said it the money would be placed under Manny’s name! He wouldn’t touch it!”

“. . . so you-” Robin’s breath catches. “You signed onto WRU for Emmanuel?”

Thad screams into Robin’s shoulder. Everything is too much in his mind. His nails bite into their arm, desperate to keep him grounded as every memory WRU took from him floods through his body. His father. Over and over and over again. Bottles thrown at his head, smashing to the ground, across his face, in front of him when he tries to get away. Screaming matches that lasted long, long into the night, turning into the screams of a dying Pet as he tears their throat out.

“It should have been him! He should have fucking signed up! Manny’s his kid!”

Robin rubs his back, not making a single sound. He knows he should let them go, knows he’s hurting them, but he can’t make himself move. He screams again and again until he tastes blood in his throat, until he’s gasping for breath, until he’s shaking. Suddenly aware of how tired he is, how his joints throb against the cold floor.

“It should have been him,” he whispers. “It should have been him, it should have been him, not me, not me, why did he hate me?”

“It wasn’t your fault,” Robin says softly, kissing the top of his head. “None of this was your fault, sunshine.”

“But I signed my life away!”

“Because he failed in his role as a father. He did not take care of you as he should have. You were only a child, Thad, this isn’t your fault.”

Thad sniffs, wiping tears away with his arm. He blinks away tears. “Sorry, your dress—I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to get it dirty.”

Robin shakes their head. “Don’t worry about it, sunshine. Would you like to move to the bed? This floor is rather hard.”

Thad nods. They help him to his feet and to the bed, humming the whole time they do so. He focuses on the humming and takes several deep breaths. When he looks up, his gaze instantly lands on Robin’s arm, at the bright red divots dug into their triceps. He winces.

Robin smooths back his hair. “It’s okay, Thad. I’m not mad, I promise, sunshine.”

“. . . still, I’m sorry. I never want to hurt you.”

“I know, love, I know. Come on, lay down.”

Thad curls under the down comforter and it’s as if that’s the signal his body has been waiting for, his muscles relaxing and his eyes growing heavy.

“Do you want anything to eat?”

“No thank you, I-I’m not hungry.”

Robin nods and joins him under the blankets. They rub his back. “Thad, please tell me five things you can see.”

“Um, the blanket. The light.” He manages a smile. “You. Your—is that my pajama shirt?”

Robin chuckles. “I may or may not have packed your pajama shirt.”

“I like it. It looks good on you.”

“That’s only four things, sunshine.”

Thad glances around. “And that ugly painting on the wall. Is that supposed to be a horse?”

“It looks more like a dolphin. Maybe it’s abstract.”

“Stupid,” Thad mutters against their shoulder.

“Perhaps. Unlike you. You are smart, and kind, and a very good man.”

“Promise?”

“I promise.”

Tagging: @pigeonwhumps @blood-is-compulsory (please let me know if you want to be added/removed!)

[dualdeixis]

[Image description: Digital drawings featuring a variety of characters from Octopath Traveler. There are full descriptions of all images under the cut. End image description.]

you know what? octopath is the only game i’ve ever played that accurately depicts what happens when you eat an olive. thank you octopath

[Image description: First is a drawing of Primrose, Ophilia, Kit, and Lyblac, with certain aspects of their designs altered. Primrose steps forward in a beguiling pose. She wears a red dress with a short, layered front and a long, flowing back. She wears gold jewelry including three rings on her right hand, a headband with a flower adornment, and a belt around her waist. Her knife is strapped to her right thigh and she wears medieval women's knee-high hose, black with red garters, beneath her sandals. A note next to her reads, "Elements taken from 15th century Italian illustration of dancers." Ophilia holds up her staff. A long lace veil covers her head and is tied beneath her chin. She wears a brooch on the left side of her cloak. The notes next to her read, "Mourning veil worn for varying lengths of time depending on relation (parent = 1 year). Mourning brooch of braided hair worn indefinitely by choice." Kit's design is much the same. He looks with slight wonder over at Lyblac, who stands tall with her hands clasped and a blood red halo around her head. She wears a black escoffion and a black and red houppelande with dagged sleeves.

Second is a drawing of Mattias, Esmeralda, and Lianna, with certain aspects of their designs altered. A note above Mattias and Esmeralda reads, "Obsidian fashion is ahead of the times (entirely because I mistook Mattias's sprite as having a ruff)." Along with the ruffs around his neck and wrists, Mattias wears a yellow doublet, orange jerkin, a gold necklace with a red jewel pendant, black paned trunkhose, a blue cape with a pattern of yellow stars, and a black cap with a blue feather. He has a confident expression, with one hand on his hip and the other splayed outwards. The note next to him reads, "If he's posing as a merchant he needs a stupid little hat and plume." Esmeralda holds up a black dagger in one hand and clenches the other into a fist with an irritated expression. She wears a French hood, a black gown with slashed sleeves, and gold jewelry around her neck and waist. The gown's skirt is full on the left side, layered and translucent in the middle, and has a slit on the right side to show the crow tattoo on her thigh. The note next to it reads, "Put it back." Then it points to Mattias's left leg and says, "He has it too." Lianna has a neutral expression as she holds up Aelfric's Lanthorn with a dark flame burning within. She wears the robes of a vestal of Galdera. The note next to her reads, "Love how he made her a special little anti-cleric outfit (takes off mourning veil)."

Third is a drawing of Alfyn smiling in profile, showing off his messy, dirty blonde hair with the sides shaved. To the right is a bouquet of seven white lilies. The text above them reads (in all caps), "Donio sam ja sedam ljiljana / Majko da li znaš još sam sam / Majko da li znaš još sam sam / Spava malena slatka glavica / Majko pokrila mi je travica / Majko pokrila mi je travica."

Fourth is a collection of doodles. 1. Lyblac and Kit stand in front of the Gate of Finis. Kit asks, "what are u trying to say." Lyblac points to the Gate with a smile and says, "go here." Kit asks, "in the dark ?" Lyblac says, "go in the dark." 2. Galdera says, "AND I'M BAD!" The souls around the Omniscient Eye say, "MEAN!! GREEN!! BAD!!" 3. To the left, Therion holds up a pair of rivet spectacles to his eye. To the right, he wears a paisley-patterned headscarf and a chador over it with a small smile. The text reads, "His chador swag. Based on an outfit my friend saw me wearing in a dream cuz I thought he'd look cute in it." 4. Two anthropomorphic birds wear cloaks and hold up staves. The first one has a neutral expression and the second looks more aggressive. The text reads, "My brother mistook Believer I + II in Seaside Grotto for bird people and now I wish they really were bird people." 5. A screenshot of a post by user tlirsgender: "Consider: a gay dude and a lesbian who are BEST friends and also dating the same person but not each other because they are a gay dude and a lesbian but their mutual partner has a weird enough gender for it to work. Polycule that’s lgbt like all at once." Beneath it, Alfyn and Primrose happily shake hands while Therion stands in the background with a neutral expression. The note next to them reads, "This concept is so funny to me that it kinda loops around to being compelling." 6. Cyrus smiles and quirks one eyebrow while pointing upwards. The text reads, "LOVE IS IN THE AIR? / WRONG! LIGHTNING BLAST." 7. Primrose leans back on a counter and Therion sits on a stool with his hands clasped. Both look miserable and share a thought bubble which says, "I'm the only bitch here who's incapable of love and sincerity." They glance at each other curiously, and then return to being miserable and sharing a thought bubble which says, "Nah I'm way more sick and twisted than you."

Last is a comic. In the midst of a battle, Ophilia holds up her staff and does 719 damage; Cyrus holds up a tome and does one hit of 1284 damage and another of 1365 damage; and Alfyn holds up his axe and does 649 damage. One enemy remains: a Creeping Treant with one shield and vulnerabilities to axe and fire. In the foreground, Therion says, "Alright..." He prepares a full-boosted Wildfire and says, "Time to end this." Cyrus shuts his tome and says blithely, "I think not. You shall do exactly 2 damage." Ophilia holds a hand over her mouth and blushes, saying, "Oh my, is the Professor teasing?" Alfyn laughs, "Pff, c'mon now, Therion knows what he's doin'!" Therion uses Wildfire on the Treant and breaks it, doing 2 damage. Therion, Alfyn, and Ophilia stand lined up and look very startled, while Cyrus smiles mildly and thinks, "Oh wow, for real? I literally just said that for no reason." The note beneath the comic reads, "*Based on a true story where I was Therion and my brother was Cyrus. I laughed so hard I cried." End image description.]