#beocme a person w/ my childhood selves all basically being various gaping wounds made me a lot more tender when i started actually being | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

bunnyboy-juice · 6 hours ago

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honestly actually ik the "ride or die, you can have complex feelings about these people who harmed you but i HATE them, you're never wrong" type of friendship is super common n praised n i even can understand why that form of unconditional "love" is appealing, but i genuinely think its the most suffocating form of friendship ive ever experienced

#bunny rambles #mostly bc the only way i can cope with what ive experienced is knowing i am flawed too #knowing many of these ppl who did terrible things to me are. ppl. not random monsters but ppl like me. who fucked up severely #i hold a lot of nuance and rarely talk to ppl ab my feelings bc anyone doing hard line like This Is A Bad Person activates me #even my therapist tried doing that and i had to stop our session right then cause i started sobbing ab the fact ik they arent bad ppl #and her doing that derails from my feelings and pain to them Being Bad and I don't need them to Be Bad to feel my hurt #if anything focusing on morality scares me away n makes me hide but thats also bc ive been experiencing shit since i was [prepubescent age]#so I've been having to live with this shit way longer than i was even in therapy and idk. i think if this stuff only happened starting past #the age of 15 i would be more capable of the b&w morality judgements required for this type of friendship #but I'm really honestly glad to know ppl who like. Dont wanna engage in that b&w morality for every single topic so i can actually talk ab #my feelings w/o feeling suffocated. and btw the suffocating prt to me is the pity and victimization as well. i hte experiencing that part #i had a few session with my therapist (b4 the other anecdote) talking ab how i feel suffocated when pitied and treated As a Victim[tm] even #tho that is language that can be applied to me bc everyone tries to apply that same morality but where i COULDNT have done anything wrong #(n then i feel suffocated n pressure to only say the ways they harmed me or never speak on that so they arent made into a Monster)#(i genuinely do wish the best even for ppl who have done the worst to me. dont be rude)#ANYWAYYYYYYYYYYY rambles and grumbles #(also i bring up the age of trauma in relevance to this not as a comparison but as a note on Why i am the way i am bc ik tht hving to like.#beocme a person w/ my childhood selves all basically being various gaping wounds made me a lot more tender when i started actually being #involved in my life and its been a struggle still w myself sometimes but genuinely remembering i and everyone whos harmed me are all just.#ppl Really helped me be able to like. live with this. idk. im rambling)

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