#the autism is autisming today (negative)
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Halloween costume but i'm dressed up as ctommy and i have a c!dream plush and i dropkick him into oncoming traffic
#certified c!dream HATED#nothing you say can make me like him im sorry#am i an annoying c!inniter? absolutely#am i cringe and free? absolutely#dsmp#dream smp#c!tommy#tommyinnit#c!dream crit#c!dream neg#cdream crit#cdream neg#<- just in case bc while i may hate c!dream i have autism and i get not liking crit content of ur fav <3 not triggering anyone today no sir
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sometimes people who struggle like to make jokes or find positives about their condition that causes them to struggle so they can escape the constant negative and struggle. sometimes autistic people will say things like "the 'tism" or use the "autism creature" or say their autism helped them have a *positive trait* to feel better about their struggles. because living your life only focusing on the struggles and negatives is depressing and makes it hard to want to live, even if those struggle take up 100% of your life and you can't actually escape them. sometimes any little seemingly positive thing can help a lot.
but there's so many other autistic people that hate when we do that and call it "reducing autism to a cute trendy thing" and say it takes away from *their* struggles and is bad and shouldn't be used. maybe *you* want to only focus on your struggles, but some people can't live in constant negative and need some positive or to find ways to make their condition more positive so they can feel better about living with their struggles. life is hard. I take anything I can get.
I cant get jobs. I can't make and keep friends. I can't get help and support for doing "normal" things so sometimes I go weeks without being able to shower and without eating more than a bowl of cereal a day. most times can't even do things I like. struggle to communicate. have meltdowns. i'll never be able to live independently. I struggle a lot. but instead of sitting here always depressed and having no motivation to live, i'd rather try to joke about "my 'tism is acting up again" when i'm struggling (just an example. don't think I ever actually used the 'tism thing but i saw others use it) or say "i'm just being a creature" when I need to stay in my dark room because everything is too much and I personally find it cute to be a little creature meant in a positive way. i'm not actually downplaying mine or anyone else's struggles. I still acknowledge them and that silly jokes dont make them go away. i'm not trying to be trendy. i'm not doing any of the things people say we do by making silly little jokes. i'm using the silly little jokes to convince myself life can be a little more than pointless, painful garbage all the time.
(continue in tags)
#dont know why continuing in tags but here is more#sometimes we need to ask “why” and not just get mad about how we feel personally. because other people feel differently#yes im guilty of only thinking my feelings and situation and how it relates too and forgetting other peoples. i also need to learn#and everyone's feelings should be valid. just because something might “hurt” you it might be important for someone else#everyones feelings are valid. but we cant protect everyones feeling. so idk the solution#but stopping someone from having a small positive among a sea of nevgative seems a little mean to me#youre not being empathetic to their side. and i can turn it around and be not empathetic to your side and say stop being upset#and get over it and let people have fun. but i wont. i hear you. but at the same time maybe hear us too.#not everyone wants to live only negatively. youre allowed to but dont expect others to.#and yes i GET IT these things can make the allistics and neurotypicals be even worse towards us. but what do we do?#throw out any positivity we can find and grovel in our struggles because the allistics wont take us seriously?#DO THEY TAKE US SERIOUSLY WITHOUT THOSE SILLY TRENDY THINGS? NO! THEY NEVER HAVE#like i said i dont know the solution and everything still be used against us by those people anyway so might as well have fun?#if we focus on struggles they baby us and dont let us do things and block us from living life#if we focus on positive they dismiss our struggles and try to make us do what we cant and dont help us#we cant win! so its not “the 'tism” or whatever other things people made up that cause them to act this way#they already act that way and wont stop unless we figure out how to teach them! but i dont know how! im just a useless little creature#this is probably controversial and someone will get because i dont agree with their perspective despite respecting it#someome will comment to lecture me even though i get it. i do. but two things can exist at the same time!! idk what to tell you!#autistic#autism#actually autistic#lee rambles#words are hard so dont know if i worded it well or not. probably not#also why take away fun things because another group used it for bad? make them stop the bad not stop the good!#i also might be missing more context. i think is about tiktok using these for bad. tiktok is just bad in general and i refuse to use it#why tiktok dictate and ruin our lives now in general? tiktok is really bad 😂 but that another conversation#no one yell at me and say i dismiss struggles of struggling autistics. maybe you dismiss me needing negative thing to have positive?#not in mood for negative response. will probably cry fhhddhsjdjdjkd#today is real struggle day but if i be little creature i feel better
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No I'm fine it's cool I'm just
#jane journals#vent#negative#ugghhhh today fucking SUCKS#WORK ALWAYS SUCKS#im on my period and my head hurts and im just tryna do my job!!! but theres people!!!!!#I HATE THEM#i know its my job to serve them and whatnot but when im the closer its ALSO my job to get the store tidy#HOW CAN I DO THAT IF THEY DONT FUCK OFF!!!!!#i know its not their fault theyre just coming in for coffee. for a service this business provides#ugh i think if anything its 1 the hormones from my period#and 2 my autism making me irrationally angry about my routine being disrupted#that being the routine i use to methodically get this place clean the quickest by the tasks i broke it up into#yea maybe its a bit of the tism ajfjgkgkg
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hmmm i have really really been struggling with this part of my job
#being called in at any time is very difficult for me with the flavor of autism that i have... well#well. its not really any time they do give me a time frame and its to be available until around 10-11 am#thats not really a bad time its just like. i dunno what makes me so averse to it its just the spontaneity#im getting the slightest little bit better cus i responded today with Whatll i be doing i may be able to#i think any time i miss a day my punishment. okay not punishment my therapist would tell me not to say that but#the retribution should be that i sell something in some way or create something to be sold#i know i can do it if i put my mind to it i KNOW i can do it i have just been like (ramming head against wall) agshbd#.txt#neg
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would y'all still think I'm hot if i slammed my head into a wall repeatedly until i started bleeding?
#personal#the autism is autisming today (negative)#i am literally at a point of 1x/wk meltdowns#and ofc they keep happening around important times#and it doesn't help I'm having severe anxiety again about taking up too much space#and it doesn't help that i know exactly what's going on now bc i cant even go “idk what's happening the world is ending”#and it doesn't help that bc of that it's really hard to talk to ppl and feel heard#and it doesn't help that this feeling never will go away even with medication bc I've alr TRIED all that already#and it doesn't help people think i haven't or that i need to be told to talk to a doctor Abt these things even though i AM#and it doesn't help that the only thing that will help this stop is going home and crying my eyes out#and it doesn't help that i cant do that#and it doesn't help I'm busy for the next 3 days#i wholly and truly may bail on my plans tomorrow bc like i cant do this and i cant bail on today's#bc i already feel like a shitty friend to this person cause of a genuine mistake#ugh
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in therapy today i just talked about the dark urge and astarion and my therapist was elated about it. it was fantastic. “wow you’ve really been using this story and those characters to process things. that’s amazing!”
the era of being ashamed of my interests is over. it’s apparently Cool and Healthy to use fiction to cope. i wish i could tell fifteen year old me about this it would blow her mind
#origpost#arctic plays bg3#bad brains blogging#you’re gonna have to pry SFF from my cold dead hands because ‘this creature is not human but nonetheless a person’ is THE most#important thing ever actually#i love taking my feelings and experiences and externalising and concretising them through metaphor#my favourite thing about astarion is how he both has literal cptsd AND metaphorically through his vampirism#that fucking rules#also shoutout to another thing therapist said today:#she was originally sceptical of my potentially having autism#then she was like ‘ok you have some traits but you’re probably not diagnosable’#then today she was like ‘you make so much sense when one thinks of you through the lense of autism’#amen sister i’ve been right there with you#but now i’m getting my second assessment soon! which won’t change anything about me i am and will be ‘tism-y regardless#but it’s going to be interesting to see what happens#also i told her about my WISC scores and she was like ‘jesus christ tell them to evaluate you for adhd too’ so uhhh#they already screened me for that and i believe i tested negative but let’s see#the WISC score was why i was even referred for an assessment so
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i always feel like the way i type is autistic as fuck. i get sorta self conscious about it sometimes
#sometimes i can tell that someone is autistic just by the way they type#so i get self conscious ab ppl being able to tell w me too. but that depends on if i see autism as a positive/neutral or as a neg that day#today is an I Hate Being Autistic So Fucking Much day
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icb my brain hurts just bc i have brain hurting disorder
#my life#i got another dosage of autism today (og edition) bc my measles immunity had worn off#and my gp is SO SWEET she was so anxious abt making sure to check with my rheumatologist that i won't get sick#and making sure i'd adjusted my meds accordingly#and that they were giving me the right amount#and that i stayed for upwards of 15 minutes afterwards#and kept emphasising that if i felt ANY negative side effects to immediately seek medical help#(other than my brain hurting disorder)#and to call her if i feel at all worried abt anything#tbh i'm expecting her to call me within the next few days just to check in on me#she's done it before#she's so sweet i adore her
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that poll is litrally sickening to me like not to be an evil pedant but it is OBJECTIVELY yea not yay. YOU CAN FUCKING LOOK IT UP THIS IS PUBLICLY AVAILABLE INFO. YOU LEARN THIS SHIT IN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL I DOTN UNDERSTAND HOW EVERYONE IS VOTING YAY. THIS IS AN OBJECTIVE FACT AUGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH
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#the amount of compassion you have to pour directly into a bad-faith asshole's mouth without knowing whether there's even a point#in order to get them to the point where they're willing to engage at a level where they actually take your feelings & words into account#the point where they even start hearing you and seeing you as a potential equal in conversation#the point where learning and growing becomes a possibility#is fucking exhausting. and i understand why a lot of people refuse to do it. i understand why some people dont practice what they preach#because sometimes the congregation in question is just there to throw tomatoes without any intent of listening#but idc! idc! im not gonna let a bunch of assholes close my heart off. id rather be naive but kind and get taken advantage of#if the alternative is leaving people behind or making a single person feel the way i have felt#having good intentions but being unable to express it w/o negative emotion or without the correct words or not being given a fighting chanc#to never be seen as a person or heard or listened to is so hurtful#i never want to do that to someone#and if i have parted ways with you or made you feel like that at any point please know it is only when i have no other options left#i know it's an autism thing to be so utterly gutted at being misunderstood and i'm most likely giving energy to people who don't deserve it#but i dont care! i dont care!#my compassion IS a renewable resource because i keep feeding it hope and humanity#i get mad sometimes but please know every angry word i've ever said has stuck on my mind like a glue trap#i remember every fight i have been slightly too aggressive and potentially awful in since the fifth grade and i continue to ruminate#on harm i have caused however big or small#i feel so surrounded by hate and anger and i just want to be that person who doesnt get caught up in it and can be compassionate no matter#lots to think about today ...#x
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sometimes i wonder whether im just fucked in the head or if i really do have autism
#the king speaks#negative#my cousin has autism on my dads side#im neurodivergent at the least. i dont know if that counts#im overstimming myself right now#too much shit today this week all the time shut up
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i hate myself so fucking much
#i ate ice cream and i should have just eaten something healthier#i fucking hate myself#i just want to not be fat shamed ffs#and the only way to get that to stop is to lose weight#maybe if i just purge ill hate myself less?#but i need my dad to leave so i can#and i need to exercise today cuz dinner is really high calorie tonight#and i fucking ate like 200 calories worth of ice cream#my limit for today is 700...but i really need to be in the negatives more often#tomorrow i think im just going to liquid fast#ykw fuck it tomorrow is gonna be just a fast#and with minimal water#cuz i dont need water weight to make me wanna kms#im going to weigh myself thursday morning and if ive gained any weight since my last wrigh in im going to try not to eat much on thursday#thanksgiving is the worst holiday#i hate what its about and i hate all the food and the drama#but a lot of thanksgiving foods are autism safe foods#but yk ed fear foods#there are no foods that are autism sage and ed safe : /#i wanna fucking kms#ughhhh#why does everything have to be so hard...and why do i have to hate myself when everybody else already hates me#idfk#im going to try and sleep until my next class and then go on a walk
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why is it so fucking hard to make friends in college guys
#all my relationships on campus r like. aquaintanceships#i know its the autism i know it is but i just want a friend on campus so badly#maybe i just need to join a different club because i didnt really fw that one anyways#i got the instagram of the guy i want to be friends with from my lab today after he drove me home (we r both commuters) but idk if i will-#actually be able to talk to him augh. im so bad at starting convos with allistic people#idk im just rambling at this point. talking abt my day if u read this far n u wanna tell me abt ur day feel free to :]#also any mutuals who dont have my discord if u want it just lmk! i love chatting!!#idk if i should tag this as negative im just like legitimately why is it so fucking hard#lichenisms
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oh god i’m so bad at being a person and literally everyone can tell
#GOD- idk if it’s the autism or the fact i grew up sheltered or the trauma or just me being stupid#but i’m just so so so bad at everything ‘social’ and unfortunately i’m pretty bad at a bunch of other stuff so it doesn’t even cancel out#i’m so fucking naive thinking i’m getting better and being braver. flash news i’m not#i was miserable then and still am today#i was im the negatives now i’m like at 0 which i thought would be better but by the world standards it’s not#it’s a ‘can you believe that i was worse before?’ kinda situation#i feel so unadapted to everything#anyways#chatters
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When i was in middle school i had autism and i got really into american history. I started wondering whether popular opinions about which presidents were good and bad was accurate, so i decided to read every piece of legislation and every executive order in us history to figure out objectively who was the best president. However there was the slight setback that each of these documents was hundreds of pages of dense legalese and there are thousands of them. I swung hard left in high school and realised that theres no such thing as a good president but i had already spent a year on that project and had to restart twice bc of calculating errors so i just kept doing it. Cut to today i have a spreadsheet with 1358 bills (not all of them. Its just not possible) and their impacts positives and negatives, and a list double that of executive orders. Its been three different presidents since i started.
dude holy fuck. i love autistic people
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