#maybe if i just purge ill hate myself less?

[sk3l3t0n1n]

i hate myself so fucking much

[bloodmoonobsessed]

I’m just gonna do all of them now!

1. Anorexia Binge Purge Subtype

2. I’ve had disordered eating since I was a kid but I developed my specific ED in 2019.

3. I was sexually harassed by men at work (Thats right I said MEN multiple…)

4. I noticed things going south in January 2020

5. I joined EDTWT in jan 2020

6. My nutritionist supports me most.

7. Fear foods are pizza, fries, and chips!

8. I hope to beat my fear foods… For real…..

9. I think this question means to ask How I show symptoms??? Maybe? Uhh I used to excuse myself to vomit my food.

10. No one noticed I told people.

11. My mom doesn’t think I have restrictive ED so She doesn’t worry. My friends do.

12. 0 inpatient stays. But I have an ED therapist I see weekly and a nutritionist.

13. N/A

14. Puking every meal, to the point I’d vomit 50-90 times a day.

15. Yes, I started from a higher weight so I never got to a low LW, But I lost 100 lbs…

16. Biggest fear is gaining weight even though nothing is wrong with being fat. And I’m trying to lose weight and I’m kinda relapsing but trying to eat over 1100 calories But its HARD!!

17. See above…

18. Being sexually harassed. At my lowest weight I never got sexually harassed. I only notice it when I was heavier I think because I had H cups and it shrunk to a B/C… I dunno though. That’s kinda putting blame on me but men really love big boobs I hate it. I’m a D cup right now 😭

19. I started recovery by contacting a nutritionist.

20. I started recovering for real in June of last year… But it’s rocky…

21. Spaghetti/Noodles in general!!

22. MY RELATIONSHIP WITH FOOD IS ROCKY!!!!!!

23. I’ve always loved food, from the time I’d eat in secret at 7 to now… I love it (I hate it too)

24. Yes I count calories……… My nutritionist doesn’t want me to

25. I don’t understand this question.

26. I don’t have one… MYSELF!!!

27. Professionally diagnosed with BPD, Bipolar 1, and GAD. (As well as ADHD but thats not mental illness)

28. No but I eat less meat than I did as a kid…

29. I take Prescription meds like Spironolactone and Straterra

30. Kinda yes but kinda wanna get worse? I dunno… My brain is at crossroads.

[deadbeatbunni]

A vent, sorry

Today has been hard. I fasted for abt 3 days and then yesterday i had 280 cals, i was planning on abt 400 cals today but i 'binged' and had abt 1000 in total, and i only calling it a binge bc of the way i felt out of control when i was eating. I forget that extreme restriction makes you do this. I ate what would be a small meal for a normal person but my stomach had obviously shrunk and i felt full and sick. However it still just sparked that urge to keep eating, like my body was scared I'd never eat again (considering it tbf lol) I tried to purge but nothing came up bc of the specific foods I ate. I have felt sick for hrs and yet all i can think about is eating a whole pizza!?! Like it would be so hot and salty and cheesy and tasty. But i wont do it. I need to lose 3 lbs in the next week to be at my goal weight for this month and im sure I'll do it. Ive never been this terrified of gaining weight and ive had this disorder for years. i was fine eating this much and a bit more for 3 days in a row last week and somehow today feels like the end of the world

I fucking hate anorexia

Its not fucking fun, i am so ill physically and mentally

And I'm so ill that even though i just went through what caused this, I'm gonna fast tmr to fix the fact that i ate so much today. Because im stupid i guess? Maybe i shouldnt say that, ik its bc of the mental illness. Oh well, i told my boss im sick (not a lie tho) and i have tmr off

Probs gonna cut to get some closure for myself, and I'll try to keep reminding myself that it was OK to eat that food. If dr chris saw my cal intake for today he would tell me off and say its less than a toddler. This is good for my metabolism. I dont wanna go into plateau or that survival mode where some ppl start to gain from fasts. I even had healthy food like protein and fibre rich foods, and fresh veg, and lots of vitamins. I should try to be kind to myself like how I talk to others in this community

Tomorrow is a new day.

[and-damntheconsequences]

So after going on a ramble about Uther I accidentally plotted out like the first half on an AU

Which I would write if I didn't have so many other plots going.... maybe I'll write it at some point or if I bully myself into it but until then, here's the idea...

Ygraine Lives.

I don't know who Nimueh sacrifices instead, but as I said before, I think Ygraine only died in canon because Uther refused to offer a sacrifice. When none was designated, the magic Nimueh was using (no I don't think the actual cup of life demanded a sacrifice, but Nimueh as a priestess of a magical religion would likely use magic that cared a lot about balance because that's important to her and that religion) chose another sacrifice. In canon, it was Ygraine. But if Nimueh had offered someone else, I don't know who yet, she wouldn't have. They would have died, but Ygraine would not and Arthur would have been born.

As I said before, Uther already hated magic because it was a power that HE didn't have but others did. He fought for the throne, his claim might not have been so solid. He was afraid to have a power wielded against him that he couldn't use or combat, and while most sorcerors were weak, there was some who used magic so strong it threatened him. It wasn't Ygraine's death that turned him on it so strongly. He'd been planting the seeds of the purge for many years, grief just triggered it sooner. He'd already removed most of the noble magical families from their power in a set of replacements, by incriminating them or claiming they conspired against him, as was his right as King to do so.

With a son born, that fear was perhaps worse. Something else triggered it. The purge happened anyway, and it was just as terrible.

Ygraine of course, was far kinder than Uther. She was from a noble family too, and likely knew many others, many of which had magic in their blood and were now being sentenced and slaughtered — all of them. Ygraine watched them burn noble houses to the ground, imprison families for execution, send hunting dogs after their children. And she didn't like it. She fought with Uther, she was angry. She had thought, even after she'd known her husband had an affair, that perhaps he still loved her and thought he meant the best. Now he was murdering her friends. There was no love in his heart now.

Uther can't have his Queen speaking against him. The purge is a dangerous move, politically, and to avoid an uprising he has to play his cards carefully. With a Queen proving that there is no unity within his household, he stands to lose everything. So what does he do...?

He tells the kingdom she is gravely ill, barely fit to leave her chambers, much less join him on the throne. And it hurts him, genuinely it does, because he did love her, but he can't risk a kingdom for her sake. She remains in her chambers, silent on all matters of state, unable to leave. And she can't fight against Uther. Not while so many of her friends are still fleeing Camelot. Not with so much on the line. Not while her son is in the castle. To anger Uther, he makes it very clear, would be a dangerous move.

As soon as Arthur can walk and talk, he sees his mother far less. She is too ill, seeing him too often will only weaken her. Sometimes he visits with Gaius in the evenings, and he tells her the stories his father told him, about how the knights bravely slayed the evil dragons. He doesn't understand the tears in her eyes. Uther tells her she is just sick. In time, Uther tells him she has worsened. Now he barely sees her at all.

Morgana comes to them at 10 years old and almost never sees the Queen. It is a true tragedy for the kingdom, she was once so loved.

When Merlin comes to Camelot, it's to a kingdom much the same as before. Arthur is perhaps a little kinder, but his mother's influence is still barely there. They meet similarly to before, and then Gaius asks Merlin to take a potion to the Queen. He steps into her room and she is startled a little, until he tells his story, and she seems almost to recognise him. And she speaks with him a little, not daring too much, and asks him to bring him the same the next day. And so it continues, Merlin becoming Ygraine's helper, less so her servant, because she is always so gentle. Until one day she asks him to fetch her son, and he does. And she tells Arthur that Merlins family were once friends of hers, and that she wishes for Merlin to be Arthur's servant. Merlin can't say no, she's the Queen, and neither can Arthur, because while he thinks that she must be mistaken due to her sickness, she's he's mother; he wouldn't want to risk upsetting her.

So Merlin becomes Arthur's servant like before, visiting Ygraine in the evening hours like before. And slowly, despite Uther's orders for her, she begins to "recover", to join the family at meals, to speak again. To become a mother to Arthur and a friend to Morgana (and they do become friendly, Morgana realises that Ygraine was never really sick, and Ygraine realises that Morgana is magical. She doesn't fault Morgana for Uther's sins, and becomes a protector of her when she most feels she needs it).

And eventually, Arthur realises that his mother isn't ill too. That her bitterness at his father is genuine, not the fault of some mental affliction. He comes to see her more often, against his father's wishes, and Uther feels everything start to crumble around him.

If one day Uther's wine is poisoned and he dies in his sleep, then, for all his grief and despite the rumours that spread through the kingdom, Arthur vouches on his crown it could never have been the Queen who did it. She was with Morgana that night.

Arthur himself was seen with his father extensively that evening, but a crown prince of Arthurs goodness would never do such a thing to his dad. Only a tyrant would deserve such a fate.

[thatweirdsadartkid]

Never Good Enough

Why is it, that no matter how much i restrict, no matter how long I fast, hold back, put up with the pain, exercise excessively, focus on food, purge, why am i not good enough. I have gotten smaller but why am I never satisfied when I look in the mirror, why is the person who looks back at me so fucking disgusting. How and why am i so unsatisfied with this flesh prison i inhabit. I know I could eat relatively normally and stay at a similar weight, but that's not enough for my illness. I look at myself, and seeing the numbers in the calorie tracking apps, how they are smaller, fills me with pride, im on the right track, but I need to eat less, I need to be smaller. I hate myself for being so gross. I just.....I just want to be small, delicate. All my clothes to hang off of me.  I just want to finally be satisfied after all of the hell i've been living though, I just want to finally feel like I can look at myself and not hate my body and myself for doing something thats necessary for survival. I almost didnt eat for two days and i feel more proud of that then i have been of anything in a really long time. and restricting is getting me closer to that. I just want to not eat for a few days. If i stop eating maybe i wont feel so guilty and like an insult to thinsp0 and post on here.  I just want to finally feel good enough. thats all I want. I dont want to keep living this hell

[downtherabbotholewego]

The Beginning

(EDITED & UPDATED: 11-May-2021 at 4:17am Est)

Well, what can I say? (A lot actually). The first thing to know about me is that I am an overthinker so maybe in time, here will get weird and contradictory. I also tend to go back on what I write and edit after I posted something, so what I originally posted might be modified in time, usually just to add more to the details as I am now (yeah, I am doing this exactly "as we speak").

I chose to post on Tumblr.... morbidly enough inspired by Elisa Lam. I know this is a blog type of platform but it never crossed my mind to use it as a journaling tool until I was learning about Elisa Lam's case and I connected deeply with her because of it. I know how she felt in a couple of her posts (not all of them tho, we are quite different and our struggles are different), that constant feeling of isolation we share, and I got so happy to know she had this platform to express herself and I was also inspired by her courage to do so openly. Doing it on Tumblr kept her alive as much as possible.

And just like her, here I am now, took me a while to do this step because I would have never dared, I was too afraid of it, but finally, I am here, trying to keep myself alive, to stop drowning in the pool of suffocation that I am in presently. I am sincerely so scared I may die at any moment and not have what I have to say expressed nor known... I need it out there, or well, at least here... otherwise it feels all this is for nothing and what pains me the most in life may remain in death with me. I don't want that at all. I rather leave a legacy of sorts. This may bring light to new perspectives and unique ways of viewing things, life, and more, or who knows, this could even help others. But I CAN'T do this for others here, this is for me alone, I need this... if it reaches someone else good, however... I need to be selfish in here to save myself... I need to free myself from my own self.

About what I'll write here: Is simply what's on my mind, things I am so eager to scream out loud but can't, things that are suffocating me... It will be a vomit of ideas, some days better than others I hope, and IT MAY OFFEND people, especially people I know because we all have our own version of things.

But this is MEGA IMPORTANT to note: I am polite and I am kind. Naive as well. My heart sees good everywhere and in everything, even in darkness and with the worst of people, but when I've been hurt in the process, all that pain remains inside, I never say the dark parts, the judgments, the negative feelings, I always ignore them and move on, and this is exactly what has become my poison internally... until now. I am ready to be unapologetically open here.

Is important to remember: I don't take what I say as a universal truth. I also know at times I may be too deep in my emotions and because of it, my statements can be harsh, cruel, and unfair. I have a good heart but with time I have grown tired, very sour, and judgemental.

Here in this blog, is my place to purge that and hopefully change my mindset from the cold queen I've become to the loving sparkle and bubbly self I lost on the way.

But I am not here to make friends or mold myself to please others. I am not in this space to try to be liked and accepted, I am not here to influence nor try to convince anyone and this is not a space to debate my point of view nor argue about who or what is wrong nor right ...

Simply put, in here, all I want to do is to say my truth and how I have lived, felt, and perceived many topics.

I suffer deeply (among other things) from social anxiety, and recently discovered I may have avPD (we'll get to the labyrinth of my mental illnesses in time). But this illness of mine is killing me. Every year it worsens and I am so afraid to disappear in the process... to no longer be me and not recognize myself anymore.... my spark is dying and with it so am I.

I used to journal on paper and be EXTREMELY open on my social media. But I hated it and brought me a lot of drama, shame and pity that I don't want. Now.... I am in one of my most deeply isolated times because of my Social Anxiety. I'll get to the details in the near future (I don't want to overextend here more than I already am). I also tried Blogger but I am not feeling it. My isolation is unbearable at times and I need an escape... this may be it.

Tumblr is the closest thing to journaling, and still feeling as if it's on social media like I used to on other platforms. Strangely enough, even if I know that is unlikely anyone may read this with all the content out there, doing it through here makes me feel less isolated, not caged... I am metaphorically taking that invisible duck tape from my mouth and allowing myself to breathe a little bit.

I haven't told any of the people I know about this as I am not keen to start a conversation about it yet. I am too embarrassed and afraid.

If someone I know is to discover this blog, I have no problem with it. Also whichever few readers I may encounter are welcome to snoop. I am doing for myself tho. I always think of others and trying to please or make purpose towards others on everything I post. But this time... this space is mine to explore. I am fed up with being silenced by my own illness and demons... I may not be able to talk to people right now but at least this allows me to be in the open even tho I am in a little corner of the shadows online. Just writing. Hoping I can free myself and can be able to express myself without issue.

This is my first step. Here I go

[lost-little-fawn]

i wish i connected with people better. sometimes people talk and my brain

just glosses over the words and sometimes i tell people i love them

when i hate them and sometimes i dont understand how what i say 

makes people feel and sometimes i feel like ive been trying to 

disconnect myself from reality for so long that im swinging in 

the rafters of my own head only seconds from blacking out. 

i am becoming a museum of the relics inside of me: the memories 

that choke me, the voices that choke me, im addicted to the feeling

of nostalgia, the sour, the painful, the reminiscing. if i was a museum: 

on display would be the vestiges of the parts of me im missing

i would wander the room and touch the glass displays, stare

with longing at innocence, virginity, trust, at the brain matter and 

the blood and the skin scraped from under their nails, at the scabs

picked with tweezers from my body 6 years ago. 

im addicted to glossing over. to pretend im listening and later admit

“i couldn’t, i was hurting” to the feeling of knowing im not there. it 

makes me feel valid to have the periods where theres no thoughts 

in my empty head, to only respond to my name, to be a simultaneous

third and second conversation partner in every conversation i have. 

to the disconnect, the feeling of missing everything, to not even trying. 

if im empty inside how can my head fill with words? and sometimes i 

just get distracted but if i get distracted that means im thinking too much

and my head is spinning and i cant process and the cogs are clogged: 

theres a tornado in my head and it never touches down. when i lie down 

for bed those thoughts make guest appearances and play with me:

and i let them. i absolve. if they’re attacking me, if it hurts me, how 

can it be my fault for letting them? for allowing the destruction?

every minute of every day my thoughts are so fast and angry

nothing can silence them and when i listen i cant do anything else. 

anything that makes me feel alive is enough: seeing a face or touching a 

scar or throwing things or crying but crying just makes me feel dead inside. 

there’s a sort of alive in love but it feels like failure because what if 

i never love enough and secretly, love is a kind of emptiness 

to love is to give and the more you give the less you have. 

sometimes i want to be swallowed whole by the feelings i feel and

just sit there, for hours, dissolving. there are so many holes

inside of me that i just cannot patch them. i cannot try, i will not.

 night is a kind of secret sometimes. black and dark to whisper to: 

i had glow in the dark stars as a child and looked up at them as he hurt me

i cannot stand them now. i cannot stand the stars now, i cannot stand

existing in a galaxy where things like that happen and nobody cares. 

sometimes i close my eyes and imagine that nyx comes down

on paper wings and wraps soft sky around me and i tell her everything

i will never tell anyone, even the people i tell things ill never tell anyone. 

i scoop out my entrails and fling them into her sky where they string out

constellations. i curl into a ball on the face of the moon and lay my head

against her rock and crater and my tears soak into the grit and 

maybe someday ill be something. maybe someday ill feel something

maybe someday the performative kindness i do for others will

actually make me a good person: something remembers me that 

isnt the people i hurt. i want to leave something with the people i try with,

but i know it feels fake and waxy: there is always a layer of saran wrap

when i reach out to touch people. i cannot handle connecting like that. 

i will break it two. i will hurt and hurt until im dead/ i will fall from heaven.

 the pain inside me isnt something comprehensible or healable: 

it flickers like a fire the embers of which will never go out. 

i will still be 30 40 50 60 70 80 laying fetal thinking of his touch. 

i will still lash out when threatened. i will still b a cup half empty, i will

never fill, no matter which qualities i take from others and use to cover the 

parts of me that i dont like like paper mache: like an undoing. i steal

the qualities and then pretend they were always mine, like they were

hiding in the back of my closet and one day i just decided to wear 

them again after seeing them lying there for years. 

my memories are made to be devoured in bite size pieces 

and yet i am feasting/ i am gorging/ i am full and i am purging: 

the hurt flows out of me like a fountain and i dont stop, dont know how to stop. 

i hold people hostage with the hurt inside of me as the loaded gun. 

i stroke my cats head softly like a promise when he wheezes and coughs

i cry over knowing hes suffering and might die and nobody will do anything

about it: im a ghost. i have no presence. no weight, no value. 

i could take my suffering and make it spiritual: i could assign a god 

and a punishment: but im already punished enough. i will never be free. 

[wanderinglotus7]

I’M SICK

On wednesday I discovered it was National Eating Disorders Awareness Month. For someone who struggles with an ED and body image it almost slipped right past me. It doesn’t surprise me because my mind has been in an anxious and hazy fog lately. Other than that I had a breaking realization with the state of my bulimia. I’ve been feeling very disgusted with myself, I found myself immediately purging this week to feel “empty” or maybe the need to purge is more of a distraction from what’s really going on in my life. I know for sure this whole internship process is adding more stress in my life to the stress that is already present. At times I feel like I am losing control over my life. It’s sad that I have to schedule time in my days to do basic stuff like take a shower, nap, do something I love, or even take a moment (5 minutes) to be present (breathe).

What’s really bugging me is the narrative surrounding eating disorders. I’m tired of only seeing and hearing white images and voices. Its like the world is blind to the fact that EDs aren’t just a White female illness. Hello! Males and color folk can suffer from these issues. Granted, I am inspired by Demi Lovato for being so open with her struggles, but where are those individuals who look like me speaking their truth in the public. I rarely hear conversations of Black females being open with their struggles. If I do it’s associated with Body Positivity which isn’t bad. However, for some of us, we cannot reach Body Positivity until we learn to accept of ourselves and our bodies. Sometimes I feel like a fake because I am open with my body image and ED, I don’t really address the hatred and guilt I have towards myself. It’s a constant battle. And when I do express my experiences with bulimia and body image it gets treated like I am frustrated with dieting or making lifestyle changes. This is the type of message I felt like I was receiving when this topic came up in my therapy session. I felt like I was being misunderstood. Granted my therapist is a white woman, so talking about ED, body image, and being sexually objectified as a young Black woman she wont understand. Again...BODY IMAGE AND EATING DISORDERS DON’T ONLY EFFECT WHITE FEMALES! BLACK FEMALES STRUGGLE WITH THESE ISSUES TOO!

One thing I do appreciate when it comes to compliments from my boyfriend is that he doesn’t focus on my body first. The first thing he always states is how much he loves my smile which can really brighten my day especially when I am having a bad body image day. But on some occasions he has made some comments like saying “squishy” and “soft” that have made me feel even worse about myself. I do give him credit for trying to understand my issues. I appreciate his effort. But I do recognize the frustration he experiences sometimes when I begin to bash myself or deny/not accept his compliments. Once the ED voice begins to speak, I shut everyone out including myself. My illness can become crippling. For examples, I missed my sister’s birthday dinner because I didn’t like the idea of having to wear “real” clothes and the idea of eating around people freaked me out, I isolated myself in my room after looking at myself in the mirror for at least five minutes, I’ve cried and wanted to throw a brick at my mirror because I hated the way I looked in a t-shirt and shorts ( I was just going to Wal-Mart) and I deny myself of wearing clothes that I would like to wear because I am afraid of attracting attention to myself ( I don’t want people to notice that I am fat). My problem areas are my stomach and stretch marks. Uggg! How I despise my stomach! I wish it can disappear and never come back. And I wish it can be flatter. I would love to loose between 20 to 40 pounds.

My relationship with food is all fucked up, and I feel like people don’t understand this. Telling me I need to be more committed to exercising or making smarter food choices doesn’t register with my ED brain. To me it sounds like bullshit. Then I become frustrated and that’s when I shutdown all the outside noise and recede from life. Do you know how tiring it is to constantly be fixated on food? IT FREAKING SUCKS! I am soooo concerned about what types of food I’m going to eat, how much I’m going to eat, when I am going to eat, and how I am going to get rid of the food that I did eat for the day. Depending on my state of mind, I’m contemplating on ways to purge or restrict myself for the rest of the day or for the next day. I CAN’T NEVER WIN! And I am trying hard to overcome my poor body image and bulimia. Having a therapist is good, but when it comes to these issues group therapy is a better route for me. I feel less alone if that makes sense. I really hope I don’t pass these issues to any of my future children if I ever have a child or children in the future ( I don’t want them to suffer).

I’m still receiving treatment for my problems. And know this isn’t gonna be resolved within a year or two. It’s going to be a rough and long process. I hope whoever reads this finds some allyship from my story. We are good enough! Above everything else, we are good enough for ourselves, and we are worthy of love, but we have to work on loving ourselves which is easier said than done, but we have time to learn because I am still learning this lesson. It’s 2021 and I began to learn how to accept, respect, and love myself back in 2018. Sad to say, “We live in a world where we value the scale over our souls” (CeCe Olisa).

Here are some things to think about I received from a TEDTalk presented by CeCe Olisa on How to Build Self Confdence: Step 1- Identify your perceived obstacle Step 2- Imagine what your life would look like if your perceived obstacle disappeared Step 3- Address your perceived obstacle Step 4- Choose to live the life you imagined today. From Olisa, “Don’t wait on your weight to live the life you want”! My first step is purchasing a dress that I like and wear it out in public without shame or regret. Seems simple, yet, it will be a major step on my ED journey.

[lostinathoughtonceagain]

Im not sure where to start although i feel like i alwyas start with that.My mom says i seem to be doing  alot better and inn truth i am. I feel more myself and joyous and mre personality, and than theres still an emptiness that creeps in. The sort of weird shame feeling i used to get in mornings or without a shirt on, i got it today after grabbing clothes from my moms. maybe this is just a personal issue but im trying not to isolate myself in my emotions. TI appreicate and find it hard to understand the idea of common humanity. It is true humans all epereince these emotions and it is only to ones disadvantage when we tell ourselves were the only ones who have ever felt these emotions. In truth we are the only ones who experience things given we all have different perspectives, childhoods, personalities, and biology of our brains.. yet i think that an important to try to find the common humanity. empathy, relating to one another. we are more alike than we are different. YOu know when your on the freeway and you wonder where are all these people going. Myabe some are picking up there kids, going to a booty call, stopping to grab bananas at the store, and we wont ever know, everyone is all doing there own thing, eveyone is jsut driving just going to work doing things and im wo dering if anyone else is freaked out about what is happening. Why the hell are we here?n why iseveryone not freaking out with the little time we have, i want to make the most out of what is happeing i dont want to waste any more time not being  where i want to be, i wanted to be skinny so i can go on with my life. But i geuess thats alos the point of life. ive been so worried about living that i havnt actually been living. Im failing at an attempt to handle my shit. I look back on the past and how come i can only think, mostly think of the bad things. The relationships that i shouldve ended sooner cuz i didnt really lvoe them as i thought love would be. THey were all merely a disspointment. That sounds rude but to put it this way i alwyas thought there was something better for me. MY parents used to say at times “its never enough for you katie” maybe that is true. maybe im never satisidef. Maybe it was because they were tired and had tried there best and i failed because my needs wernt meant. not that they were needs. I think back to guys ive hooked up with and wish i had higher standards. why did i find satisfaction in attention from people that didnt even care about me. WHen guys used me and i was glad to let them. Especailly when i had previous ly had crsushes on them. FUCK BOYS WITH J names. i dont know why im writing as if im writing a story. maybe it makes it easier maybeim trying to articulate my thoughts into something there not. I think about things that have happened and hope i can maybe use them as a testimony maybe ill meet the love of my life adn get to share all these stories... but i dont things play out like that and thats a weird perspective to have on things thsat occur. Like as if im a narrator. I would get so ecited to send cute pictures of myself when i was  baby and show my boyfriends, or share things with them but then i realized something. they dont care, well definlty not like me. That ecitement about it is not the same as the one im epereiecning and when i was sent baby pictures of them, i didnt feel that warmth in my heart. maybe that makes me a bitch or emotionally disconnected. but how do i know if im feelin. what connections have i made. I used to want to be under the influence and gina my therapist said that people go to substances to feel connection. When i was on coke, life was beautiful i could talk to anyoe and everyone adn words flowed so well. In my head, looking back i probably looked like a crack head and thats the reality of it. I can manipulate my reality but to what is its value if its a lie. if no one else feels or sees what im seeing. ona  nother thought  i think we can make up these sotries in our heads that arnt even true. like somone tells us something or we feel a certain way about ourself so and it ends upso our whole olives our affected by this painting in our head only to find out no one sees what were seeing. my dad said that we can change the past, welll we can change our past by changing how we look at it. and i think if we could grasp it it would change our lives. I think that i could look back and not feel that shame, or not feel that embarressment. But am i not a sum of all the words thoughts and actions ive done or had uot o this point? thats depressing, but if it were something i was proud of then yes i would like to be. but the truth is all wehave is the now and you can start now being a totally different person, but you cant run away from all the consequences of the past i guess they jsut dont matter if you decide to change. but then what about bridges burned. i guess my plan b ina  sense is to run away to another country. but then theres legal issues and this whole system and ates and bad guys and tso m8uch to worry about that i dont feela  sense of freedom. my information is online and under a sytem and i undertsadn why i just wish everything could be quiet for sa sec. mayeb i dont want to be aktie stowers anymore. I get jealos of girls born and raised pretyy. all ive done is starved myself in the process of becoming what i want to be but thats not even me. if i have to starve to et there then i feel as though i dont actuallyl deserve to be skinny. and i fee l so vain for obsessing over this fucking thought. iw anted to be skinny this is what ive said from the beginging can someoine please help me do it. the probelm is that im in treatment for anoreica sub purge type and the reality is that i cant lose weight withought going to etreme measures. it became the most important thing in my life and ive been strung up on the same thought since fucking march of 2018. talk about time wasted. although i know thats no way of looking at it. ive learned lessons and have ad so many beautiufl things happpen. I get told very kind things about myself. i wonder if im actually a kind person or i only do things simply to be a kind person. if eel kinda selfish but i guess we all are. i mean think about how amny bad things are happening in this world and children starving and here i am buying things i dont need anf focuing on myself. but im not doing anything about it. i mean i try to tip etra give to homless ifi can i just feel guilt because i could be doing more but ijalso know that im not responsibly to save the world. jsut seems wrong the way things are. thats why i believe everyone goes to heaven. maybe because i cant wrap my head around the possily fact that barrett wouldnt and also becasue the idea of eternal damnation dosnt seem like the character of a god i want to serve. i see so much bullshit in the church and i just dont know . am i jsut angry. I became so jdugemntal of those judging me and thats just as worse but when theres almost a cluba nd you dont fit into there critera it fucking hutts. and that dosnt feel liek jesus i think jesus wouldnt let us be seperated by rleigion or if you drank last weekend. I think we should all unite and love each other and thats what reallly matters. yet here i am obsessed over being skinny. im down to 4 hour as of yesterday and i feel so much better i do. i just wish i could have one long 2 day therapy session whre i fucking figure out all my shit. ive gone to so much therapy and its been etremly helpful i jsut dont wanna waste anymore time with this baggage. I dont wanna go a minute longer when i could giure all this out. i guess what im saying is i want my life tp be an open canvas and not be unravveling and my childhood issues poopping up.. i want to go into the fututre knowing what i know adn epeireicning my life as it plays out. but i am 18 ishouldnt be thinking this much into things huh i should just let it be and lvie my life. i should be doung homework an teting my frienfds or going on a date. but thats not ther eality of things and alos i think ill look abck and things will be different. IOm also int reatment rn so oviously my situation is not exactly normal. i really do love to write i used to always want to be an author. but i dont kno0w anymore. i jsut dont really like how the sytem works i hate how we all have to go to college amd study things i dont give a fuck about and then some struggle at there 9-5 to merely surve eand ig uess i dont like the thoughr of that. and i know were suppsoed to find joys in the little things i think things are jsut freaking me out. iw ant to quit smoking nicatine but everyday i go out and do it. ig uess that meanns i dont really want to stop because if i did i would. i  and then i feel slightly guilty and opackiy because his is the only boduy im given. like does that not freak everyone out. this is the only way we are able to eperience life. think about how quickly it can be ended. i think that is too much pwier overmyself. nmot that im suicidal but i do think i hgave the power to find out super son what is after this life. judgment day, pure nothingness, maybe ill become a=one of the many ants i ahev enjoyed killed as a punsihemtn for msyelf. or hoe[fully and maybe ill entire a heaven with a lovuing god. a state of being with loved ones. I think thats why people like the idea of heavn the idea that you will see people later. but that discount the factof pain. when someones child dies they dont feel any less pain because a verse about being reunited with the,. because the truht im scared to tyee is that theres a possibility heaven isnt rela. and the loved one that is lost will never be in your reaach again.i feel sad for how ome peoples lifeves go. i hope they get a chance in the after life to have what they wanted. but then i think abotu abd guys. i wouldnt want them in my heaven. i guess maybe who we all our at our core is who would be in heaven beyond all the nasty. yet i dont believ flesh is nasty and i dont believ trying my whole life to not be something i was made to be. if my flesh is evil adn mankind is doomed what the fuck is that. i dont think god would set us upnto fail and i believ ehe understands we are human. and gpd is god and god knew everything that was going to happen up to npw. u know whats crazy is that on the time line we are on the edge of what is to come. being aluive rn. and its crazy that i wont be here in 100 years. ill be merely history. but rn we are whats happneing 7:12 november 11th. we are up to datebecause we are merely aliver. unless there is different universes and this is m,erely a simulation. but besides the point. barrett was talking about just how many books songs and information there is. that makes me pancik there is so many people so many things i could learn and musici could listen to that no one can listen to it all. maybe theresa song out there that is my favorite son that ill never get to lsiten to but i gues si jsut have to trust that the universe ligns up as it should and my life will happen as it should. and alll these things are happneing and were floating in the middle of space and yet i feel like people arnt freaking out. like what hthe actual fuck is happneing. and why do iu want to soedn my one life doing shit that dosn matter or something i dont even love. but thats how life works because you have to have moneya nd i do love bying things. and i jsut need to relax. because when people look back on there past they think if i could only tell msyelf its going to be okaya nd to have fun. why cant i do taht i mean i can but tehn these thughts come in. iwant to be skinny i also love food. starving was easy and i like d seeing my bones show,. i wanted people to see me and know i was hurting but people dont wanna be sround sa dpeople i guess i just wanted o be rescued. and at the same time it was nice to focus on the thingsd because even if all went ot hell if i restricted enought hat was okay my eating idsorder would tell me that  everything was going to be okay because i was taking care of the one thing i actaully wanted. writing this makes me sound crazy to msyelf. i have so many things i want to larn and do and so having an eating disorder makes me feel limated. amd truly it does limit me. it dosnt allow me to worry and think about these tihngs. i just really want to be skinnya dn i dont know where this started or why its so impiortant but i just am not a fann of my boyd. and i know tis terirble because im more than m y body and i know i cant stave mtyself and i know that this makes me self cenetred i know that it didnt pkay out as the damsel in distress that i wanted i know wthat i pushed loved ones away and made desisions taht really arnt alligned with my values because truly i didnt care i just wanted to get skinny i know i didnt look healthy bu in my mind that s the best ive eever looked. i know that the husband i meet is going to lvoe me for whats beond my appreance so it dosnt matter and getting atention from others isnt satisying and only leaves me feeling empty i knwo lifes to short to count your calories, to walk around feeling fraila nd loung every seconds. to reach 109 and not see a body close to what was at 116. to talk about numbers because they w]makr improtant parts of my life adn to allso swear that i dont care that much about the numbers. i care about the look. but if what they say is true and i ahve body dismprhia thats impossible. they say the eating idpsrder says itll never be enough. it will nevr be satisiuded. “ its never enough katie” never enough

and so maybe its me maybe im just this warped person. why do memories come back so weird and hwy did i have su h weird thoughts a s f\child. why do i get filled with so much rage. somtiems i think im the most grogeous girl and others i want to killmsyelf because i fel worthless. imm not suicdial but i can remeberthe first time i thought about killing kmyself i was in the abck seat of the car my brothers wre all teasing me about soething but for whatecer reason i was upset by it. i remebr crying and thinking how bad thye would feel if i killed myself. i carried this idealation iwht me later on. gina says i used this as a coping skill.w whenevr someone was mean, didnt say the right thing, didnt invite me, or a aprent said something hurtful. o thouhgt about it as if i were a ghost. watching how sad they were that they had not done better with me. that they said those angry words last to me instead of teeling me uhow much they lvoed me. that when they gossiped ghey felt so bad after because i was dead. i sometimes wish i could watch this unfold. but thats demented and evil. my ghost smiling with satifdaction as she watches loved one who id love and people who were simply lvingnthere life be affected by this. what good would it do to me or them. it would ruin them, does thaa amke mf evil. and then i realzie thats not how death wokrs. ill go to  wahtevr is after this.a dm why would i waste my eistence on a disguestingnromantizsm of revenge.  shpuld move on better msyelf and make connections and share with my lovedones hwen theyve hurt me or that i need more love.  i love treamnt. i love the lif3 im having. besids hating my body i love doing art and larning life skills and if eel like pooeple love me for me there and i can really be myself and support others. but i cant live my life in treatment. i want to relapse theres a few pros to this. one i get skinny againa dn can take pcitures while im skinnya dn try to do it a healthier way. 2 i can jsut go back to treatment and 3 thats a big fuck you to insuracne and theyll realize i coudlve used more help. my ancupucture lady said i need to let people help me adn its tru. i can read boooks hae copnversations go toa therapist but what goofd does it do if its not evn sticking with me. if i dont allow it to change me. im so stuck in that i want to be skinny. but im also tired of haojng my body, the thought about being okay iwht my body is sad to. ill jsut be ugly and not care? amd i wont be ablr to beas beautiful as i want to be. the law of attraction streases me out to because what if everytihng im writing is manif3sting as we speak. hut io cant just iugnore all thse thoughts. its good to journl ane write. i smoked the other night and told susan and brooke but lied to my treatment team. but honestly i was anxious the whole time and outside of playing with myself and dougna  trippy spiritaul mediaiton itwasnt the best time. it ,made me realize i enjoy beig sober bcecause i can do lall the things i want to do and not be stupid and i can be mindful. but then i feel a little desperate at the idea of not having anys ubstances. i sjsut need to create a good ralit y formyself. also i just don tfeel like im the little blon girl in my baby photos like me and her arnt \even the same person but i am i am her in 18 year old form. i jsut dont even know who i am or whats happening. iw ant to chilla dn i need to find balance. maybe this is because my brain has more room oto think about thoings. it kinda hurts me that my mom dsont know that much about eating disorders but yet she says she knows how bad these thionhd can get. likes he can talk so much about me needing help and this and that and yet she hasnt veen taken the tiem to udnerstand what it is im goi g throug. but i shoudlnt epect her to i dont evn knkw what is happneing. cons of relasping is more time wwasting life farther form my hoal. what is my goal all i can think abou t is working on my body bye cercising and eating healthy after treatment. iu dont underdstand why people dopnt think this is a huge thing for me. it makes it so i cant wear what. im so tired of caring. i want to get out of my head. but reality is i am katie and i have to deal wiht whats going on it dosnt do any good whining about it. another con is that my family would be disapinted. im kinda scared i ahev cancer ir im going ot die and jus stop breatinh. its probaly jsut anxiety . nbut i think about the drugs ive done and all that ive smoked and when ive starved and i wonder if im jsut shutting gdown. but i guess were all shutting down. but you cant tell kids these tihngs they dont care and they wouldnt undertsnad. i guess im jsut freaking out at my very eistence. im also very thankful to ebe alive. the fact were all ehsiting rn is crazy i think everything happens for a reason and theres a beautiful lessona nd “work of art called love” desinged by the creator. i ksut dpnt think itds what people think its actaully is. julian is just dsigusing why was i ever ino him. but i cant stop 16 year old me by being into him. but he really wasa dick adn oi dont think hes aw the value in me. my idea of him thinking that was because hesa  lot uglier than me or the line in fredys song where he says “ why would a girl like you fall for a guy like me” and he saud thatr eminded him of us i thought that was so sweet. MO that dosnt mean he values me. why was i so okay with accepting bullshit.a nd nathan. i really liked nathan we were bestfriends. but i got really cazy jealous. i was supposed to eat2 and ahalf hours ago and im not rally hungry. hence my hunger ques are off. i lost 4 lbs over the weekedn and im on weight restoration i was given till friday before i have tonadd even more additions because im not supposed to be lsoing weight. but i dint feel sad baout it. i felt eciteed i guess my bodys ina  place where it can lsoe weight easily. i feel like i should take advantage of it. is this litterally the eating disorder tuyping as we speak am i poseed. it is katie stowers. i guess thats what an eating idorder does. i think i ought to steer clear of caffense and weed. make things a little less harde.r and truly i shuld try to quit nicatine. ots just so nice to do but i think i ought to just not do it. i think idts a porblem because i can already mpciture me going outside after break and smoking. “evntually ill quit shes aid” when i quoted julien baker in her song ahppy to be hee to esther it says “ i miss you the way that i miss nicatine” she waled away after. felt a little judged honeslt and i dont think it was cuz of me but i am better than to smoke nicatine. i think im gonna not do it tomorow. adn if i succeed well see about friday. but it is a hbit i shoudl break. but anyways theres a lot to worry about and be ecited about to and im having a hard time manging it all. and i opuld go on times ten of whats been happneing in my brain ina  therap y session but it dosnt happne.

[juupajaa]

💍Honeymoon phase:

Honestly honeymoon phase is something else. I wish there were more studies done on this whole thing bc it is so wild and honestly if I ever become a cool science gal, I will do this research myself. I’m pretty sure honeymoon phase is the whole root of why recovery is so hard and this is definitely the most cruel and twisted stage of eating disorders, even if it’s not the one that causes the most mental and physical suffering.

Ok so now your ed/de has latched onto you and it has a bitching strategy: make you feel like it is helping you. 

In honeymoon phase, your disordered eating is working full time to make you feel better and in turn you are doing whatever it asks of you, in order to feel better. You are “willingly” taking part in disordered behaviour, and it feels like it is working. And you aren’t wrong, it probably is. There’s a good chance your behaviour is causing things to actually improve for you. Some might get compliments for their weight loss or attempts to eat healthier. Others might get more motivated to perform well and get praise from that. For some the new fascination is enough to make things feel better. 

This is the part where your disordered eating is forming into the special cocktail, tailored just for you and your current needs. You try things out and see what works to ease your discomfort. Your de hasn’t fully shifted into a full blown ed yet, but by now it’s on it’s way if it is to come. Your behaviour isn’t the same forever though. It might change along the course of the illness or the events in your life, and if you relapse at some point in your life, your ed/de might be very different from the last time.

In my life, I’ve had four episodes with my ed and each time the behaviour was very different and usually it evolved from one thing to another during the episode, but mostly revolving around one thing. First time I was counting calories like my life depended on it and it evolved into purging over time. Second time was a big ole binge-purge galore, but it had a twist of five consecutive days of starving between binging and purging. Third time I was mainly restricting, but it evolved into food hoarding with a single item diet. Fourth time it was starving and insane food rituals, which evolved into uncontrollable binges. Each of these episodes happened years apart and they went through the stages independently. 

Yet every damn time I fell for this shit like I didn’t know better. The first time, sure, I didn’t know what the hell was going on, but the second time? I was thinking: Oh, no I’m not gonna get into an ed again. I’m just throwing up a little, that’s all. The third time: Oh yeah, I’m not getting sick again, I just really like to hoard food. I’m not gonna eat any of it, but wow would you look at all this food! Fourth time: Yup, this time I got it. I’m gonna lose some weight and not be an idiot about it.

My point is that the honeymoon phase is so damn good, that even if you are fully aware that this might and will end badly, you’re going to go along with it, because it is working and you can’t deal with whatever is going on in your life right now. Here are some things you might experience during the honeymoon phase: 

an increased interest/concern/fascination with food/your looks/nutrition

a sense of having a new hobby, interest, skill or even personality or a friend or a life-style

being in a better mood when you get to engage in your behaviour, and getting irritated or upset if you can’t for whatever reason

your days start to revolve around food, but it’s still manageable

seeking a sense of control, pride, accomplishment, pleasure or satisfaction from engaging in disordered behaviour

you start seeking out information about food/nutrition/weight loss more or less daily, maybe even get lowkey obsessed with it (I used to have a folder on my laptop, full of pictures of food that I would just stare at every day and I dedicated a lot of time in updating and keeping it in order. Hi, my FBI agent, why u didn’t help me out dude?)

During honeymoon phase, you get all the perks of an ed, without the suffering part and it is pretty rosy, not gonna lie. Whatever was worrying you so much before, it’s easier to handle. It feels like you’re doing ok, maybe even good, but at least better than before. You might feel like you’re in complete control of your behaviour and that it isn’t affecting you negatively at all. This is of course false.

The key element of honeymoon phase is that sweet, sweet denial. Some might go full blown actual denial, not even entertaining the thought that this is an ed/de. It might feel like a conscious change in lifestyle and since it isn’t hurting you just yet, it is easy to think so. Others might get something called optimism bias, which is very common among people in general. A common example of optimism bias is that we don’t think car accidents will happen to us. To others sure, but not to us. In the case of optimism bias in an ed/de, you might be fully aware that this isn’t exactly normal and you probably shouldn’t be doing these things, yet the rewards you get from your behaviour are good enough for you to dismiss your concerns. You might even be fully aware that this is disordered behaviour and you might know all about the health risks, yet you are convinced bad things won’t happen to you because you are “not really sick”. Again, false. You are sick and this is how eds/de are. I repeat: Yes you back there, thinking you’re not really sick, just a fake fraud who wants to lose some weight but are too lazy to do it healthily. Trust me, if you were healthy, you’d be losing weight like healthy people do. Your disordered eating is keeping you from doing it, making your relationship with food too complicated for you to lose weight by the books. Same goes for you, dude in the back, thinking you just really love food and it’s normal to hide your eating habits from others out of shame or guilt. It isn’t normal.

Another thing that might happen is that you develop an interest in eds. You start seeking out information and media, anything you can find. You might feel insecure about yourself and wish you could change yourself as quick as possible, convinced that it won’t lead to an ed, because you need to be something special in order to have an ed. This is all normal disordered thinking and don’t feel badly if this was you in your honeymoon phase. You didn’t bring your problems to yourself, even if it feels like it. People without disordered thought patterns don’t actively try to mimic eds. They get bored or tired of it after the first few days or weeks.

What is so cruel and twisted about the honeymoon phase is that it lures you in with promises of better quality of life, hooking you in and making you give your disordered thought patterns time to cement themselves properly. Yet once honeymoon is over, your quality of life will start to sink back down, getting possibly much worse than what it was before your disordered behaviour. And not only that, it also makes you doubt you are sick at all, because you “actively took part in it, so it must have been willful and conscious”, which too is false. It is such a cunt and I hate this bitch so much. 

After the honeymoon phase, if your de will turn into an ed, it will, and if not, you might fall into a disordered eating cycle, and I will talk more about it in the next stage. While you can fall back from all the rest of the stages from this point on, honeymoon phase is something you can’t really ever return to during your current ed. Honeymoon requires you to be in some level of denial and once you slip out of denial, you can’t really fall back into it. This is of course very unfortunate for all of us, because this is the only point where our coping mechanism is actually helping us cope.

The good news is that this is still a very early stage of an ed/de and recovery is still rather quick and painless at this point. Should your situation improve and your coping mechanism to become useless, you might kind of just slip out of the de without any trouble at all. Or in case of other’s getting involved in the situation, the treatment is very effective, since your disordered thought patterns aren’t too strong. Yet. 

[broke-bitch-diaries-blog]

Time to heal, I guess

I never thought I’d ever say this, but I finally took the step to get professional help for my mental health. I was thinking about doing so since early January, but, fearing being defined as crazy or weak by those close to me, I procrastinated and tried finding a reason not to book a psychologist appointment every single day. In all honesty, the main thing I was telling myself this whole time was “I’m fine. I’m over-reacting. Other people have it worse.”, despite knowing full well that my mental well-being was going downhill every day. 

I grew up in a family, where seeking help for being depressed or anxious was seen as weak or unnecessary. When I was younger, I’d constantly hear the phrase “You’re just a child, you have nothing to stress about. You don’t know what stress is.”. As someone who was severely bullied during my middle school years and the first few years after a transfer to a more artistic and laid back school, I had intrusive thoughts of worthlessness and suicidal tendencies since a very young age. I mean, I hated my body since the age of seven, I self-harmed on multiple occasions between the ages of 12 and 16, I constantly thought of ending it all and felt useless and disgusting, seeing myself as nothing but a burden. And yet, I had to bottle it all up.  Growing up, I would constantly hear how people who raise a hand against their own selves, people who turn to addiction or suicide are nothing but selfish, cowardly losers. So, I stayed quiet and never let my problems be the topic of conversation within my family circle. 

Around the age of 15 or 16, after my mother saw my self-harm marks a couple of times and clearly showed her disappointment and anger at what I had done, I turned to emotional eating. Before that, even at the age of 13, I would skip meals from time to time or throw them up in the school bathroom whenever the guilt of a binge hit me. The stress of the abundance of exams that I was facing, both in high school and my after-class music school terrified me. I found comfort in food. And yet, after every binge, I felt so fucking guilty. This, tied with my low self-esteem and body-image issues, lead to me consciously avoiding my reflection, wearing copious amounts of makeup and being unable to even look at my own body in the shower. I spent so many nights hiding in the bathroom, quietly crying on the floor, not knowing how to reverse the damage that I had done. After the exams had passed and my parents noticed how the stress was treating me (throwing up before every exam, minor panic attacks, problems breathing and high blood pressure), my mum decided we should tell my paediatrician. So we did. She asked me if I wanted to go see a child psychologist. I got scared of being looked down on by my parents (also because back at home, to work in my field of study, you need to be completely mentally stable) and said no. She thought I still needed something to help me calm down and prescribed me over-the-counter sedatives. 

At the age of 16, I was also admitted to a hospital for stomach problems caused by extreme over-eating. While there, my endocrinologist also decided that I needed to lose weight as I had hit 103 kilograms. The number scared me. I never thought I’d reach it. So, after a week of inpatient treatment and loads of testing, I was given a diet plan with restrictions of what I can’t even think about eating. I was committed to losing weight, so I followed it. In less than two months, I dropped down to 87 kilograms. I was ecstatic. The diet was working. But, as diets normally go, the weight wasn’t dropping as quickly anymore as my body was not shocked by the changes in diet. I didn’t know what else to do but restrict my calories even more. I got fixated on all of the numbers. I made my own diet plans, worked out, did anything I could to drop weight. I was getting complimented on how good I’m doing every time I’d say no to unhealthy foods and all that. It made me want to stop eating completely. And yet, one of my friends noticed something was off. I would bring food to school and only eat a small portion of it, giving away the rest to my friends, saying how I was full and such. Later on, my mum caught on as well.  After that, I started eating normally again, which made me instantly gain back some of the weight. For the next 2 years, I kept going back and forth between not eating and over-eating (which often lead to purging). It wasn’t before I started university, that the obsession with numbers fully came back. Purposely not buying a scale, hoping it would help me stay healthy and not get fixated on my weight didn’t help. I got fixated on my caloric intake, making it lesser and lesser with each month. As soon as I started noticing how my clothes were getting looser and looser on me, I went back to the same mindset -” I need to eat way less. This is working.”. And, of course, with the stress of exams crushing me, giving me more anxiety than ever and making depression be my constant state of being, I started not eating again. I started going without food for multiple days, eating like a normal human being for a couple and then going back to not eating again. This is where I am now. I admit it. I am sick and I need help.

A few weeks ago, I booked an appointment with a psychologist after avoiding that for months on end. I knew that if I didn’t, I might do something stupid. I didn’t trust my own thoughts anymore as they were constantly telling me how worthless I am and forcing me to believe that everyone around me secretly hates me. Deep down, I know that that is not true, but, when your brain is sick, other pathways of thought are permanently closed. I’m not going to lie -I was scared of where these thoughts were getting me.

Yesterday, I went to my first appointment. It was definitely bad timing, as I’m leaving the UK to go home for the summer in a couple of weeks, which is not allowing the psychologist to sign me up for weekly verbal therapy. As soon as I got to the waiting room, I was bricking it. Every second I waited felt like hours. I wanted to leave so bad, but something inside me was telling me to stay. When I finally got called in, my hands started shaking. I was so scared to tell her about what was happening in my life as I’ve never talked to a stranger about these things. It just never felt right since my whole life I was taught that your problems should only be talked about at home, with your family. Ironic, isn’t it? My problems should only be shared with my family, who believe that mental illnesses are signs of weakness.  I felt so relieved letting everything off of my chest and sharing it with someone, who I knew understood me from a professional perspective. Still, the whole time I was talking, I couldn’t stop picking at my fingers and nervously shaking my leg. But I did it. I told her everything that was going on with my feelings and eating habits over the last few months as well as sharing a little bit of my past. Before I knew it, I was leaving the health centre with a self-help book and a prescription of Sertraline (I had to do a little research to realise that this is the same thing as Zoloft, which I’ve heard more about). The doctor told me to expect side-effects, so did my friends. who had taken the same medication before. 

For some reason, I was actually kind of excited when I walked up to the counter today and asked for my prescription. Maybe I unconsciously saw it as a glimpse of hope? I’m not sure.  After taking my first dose, I can say, it’s not too pleasant. it took a few hours and I was already feeling nauseous and irritable. Hopefully, this doesn’t last too long. I’m coming home in ten days -I can’t show up looking and acting like a complete fucking mess. I have to be fine.

P.S.: I have told my family about the appointment and the medication. After all these years, they finally agreed that this is what I need. All it took was for them to see how the stress caused by uni was affecting me, thankfully. I just hope they can continue being okay with it and not see me as weak. 

-D,

[afaithy]

A crinkle of Fate; CH 6

Chapter 6: Bad news come and goNotes:

“There is a stubbornness about me that never can bear to be frightened at the will of others. My courage always rises at every attempt to intimidate me.” ― Jane Austen

“Hey...you’re back, Moony.” Sirius said when Lupin dragged himself back into the bedroom later that day. After his transformation,he had gone to the hospital wing to receive his regular check up with Madam Pomfrey. The woman had healed the most of his injuries and sent him straight back to bed. Lupin didn’t complain, for starters he was exhausted and in pain; and, on the other hand, he wanted some peace and quiet to reflect on what had happened last night. Werewolf metamorphosis was a complex process, not only physically but mentally. When he turned to his wolf’s form, his mind became wild and more animal like, but he still retained some sense of human conscience. It was like being present, but unable to do anything. Actions were dominated by the wolf’s side. The wolf had gone hunting last night. It never left the safety of the forest of course, but he had strolled at the very edge of it. When he saw the girl sitting at the edge of the forest, Lupin had sensed the mix of fear, curiosity and distrust in the wolf. His human side, however, was horrified as he saw Tonks sitting there so innocently and defenceless. What if the wolf decided to attack her?

To his surprise, it didn’t. The wolf had sneezed the air and caught on the girl’s scent. There was something oddly familiar about it, and instead of attacking, it had sat there watching here.

“Moony, you look beaten…” James said popping out from his bed “but you don’t look as bad as you usually do, so I suppose last night wasn’t that bad…” “No, it wasn’t…” Lupin hesitated. Did he want to share about his unexpected encounter with a certain girl? After pondering for a couple minutes, he decided that he didn’t want to tell them...yet. Telling them would also mean he had to speak of what she’d told him, too. “What did you do last night?” Peter asked. “I went hunting in the forest…” Lupin shrugged sitting in his own bed. “Oh, guess that’s good.” Sirius nodded “Guess who was asking around about you?” “Ehr...who?” “Tonks of course!” James laughed “We saw her this morning after she comically tripped with one of the armors. Seriously, that girl can stay on her two feet…” “She said you were looking quite ill the past days and wanted to know if you were feeling okay.” Sirius explained “Don’t worry. We told her you had caught a cold, but she seemed pretty concerned. Check on her when you get the chance would you?” “Sure…” As matter of fact, if his muscles weren’t hurting as much as they were now, he’d have gone right away. “Boreas has picked up the bullying again…” James said “Seems like he got over his broken nose and he’s back on harassing her. We were trying to come up with a plan to help…” “No, Slytherin arse is going to bully my cousin…” Sirius nodded. “They’re harassing her again? What did they said?” Lupin said in a rush, remembering what the girl had told the wolf last night. “The usual thing…” James replied shaking his head “Her parents, they keep calling half-blood scum and well...other than Slytherins, some people have been talking about her not putting of her hood. I heard Evans scolding some girls in the common room because they were saying that she probably had something weird in her head…” “There’s nothing weird with her hair…” Lupin said automatically. “Well, unfortunately...we don’t know.” James shrugged “And well...unless she takes off that hood, people will keep talking…” “Don’t worry about it, Moony. You need to rest, so ….James and I will handle it.” Lupin had no doubt that they would, but he made a mental note to talk with her soon.

Unfortunately, he didn’t get the chance to talk to Tonks until the end of the week, when he stumbled with her as he came out from Charms. The girl was running down the hall and in the middle of her hurry she had crashed into him and company when they’ve been leaving the classroom. Even without the look on the black and yellow hood or the soft groan, Lupin could have recognized her in a blink. “Hey, careful! ” he said catching he arm and steadying her before she could hit the floor. “Oh!” There’s was something off in her voice. It wasn’t as energetic as usual. “Wotcher, Remus! ”she smiled faintly and he could tell something wasn’t right “My hero as usual, aren’t you? How are you feeling?” “I...I’m good. Why do you ask?” “Well, Sirius said you were sick…” “Oh...that. I’m good. It wasn’t serious….” “Oh that’s good, then...” “Tonksie!” Sirius said cheerfully. “Wotcher, Sirius, James...Peter....” “Heading to lunch? How about you eat with us, cousin?” “Mmm...am I even allowed to sit at your table?” “Of course you are. There’s no rule against mixed lunch seat and we are not slyths…” “Oh, you’re right…” “Are you alright?” “Me? Yeah, why wouldn’t it?” she replied. Her answer had come a little too fast, and Lupin frowned. “Have to agree with Remus, kid. You’re a little pale…” James said looking at her “Did you catch a cold?” “A what? Ah, no...ehm, just...busy with work and stuff and….” “Hey half-blood scum. Heard about that event, have you not? I’d say they had it coming….” Tonks tensed and the color drained from her face. She cast a bitter glare at Boreas and his gang; but her glare was watered down by the glow in her eyes. She looked like she was about to cry. “Shut up!” she shouted. “Or what?” “Boreas, shut up, you arse…” Sirius growled pushing Tonks behind protectively. “Tch...Blood traitors stand for each other, don’t they? Maybe next time it’d be your turn, Black... ” “My turn?” “Oh, haven’t you heard the news? That wizard that killed all those muggles...it was all in the papers. The pathetic couple stood no chance. Can you imagine that, half-blood scum? How much they must have screamed as they were cursed….” “Boreas!” Boreas laughed loudly, but his laughter was interrupted when Tonks, with a skill that seemed rehearsed for years, pulled her wand out from her robes and chanted firm and clearly. “Stupefy!” Red sparkles flew at Boreas face and the boy landed flat on his back. The corridor was speechless staring at the scene. No one dared to move. Tonks face was bitter, the tears had began to slide down her cheeks and both Lupin and Sirius had moved to her side unconsciously. “MS.TONKS…” McGonagall’s strong voice cut through the hallway. Her face was pale and her lips were stretched into a thin line. She was furious, anyone could tell that. “Professor!” On of Boreas lackeys cried overdramatically “She attacked us! We were just chatting and she attacked us out sudden…” “You git…”Sirius began but was interrupted by McGonagall. “Yaxley, I don’t need to hear your excuses. I witnessed the events pretty well…” she replied. Her look stuck on Tonks “Ms. Tonks...I’ll need you to come with me…” “But professor…!” Sirius began. “Enough Black, go to your next class…” “They provoked her!” James tried to push in. “Potter… It isn’t your business…” “But professor.” “Lupin, I think I made myself clear…” Before any of them could say anything. McGonagall took Tonks hand in a gentle yet stern grip and walked away with her. The three boys stared at each other restless. None of them knew what had just happened.

***

Tonks walked silently behind McGonagall. She hated crying. It made her look childish and weak, but she found that as much as she tried, her tears kept running down her cheeks. She’d lost her temper at Boreas words, but she felt no regrets. She had received the owl early that morning. An urgent letter from her parents. The ink had been blurred as if the person writing it had been crying endlessly. Two nights ago, a wizard had broken into her grandparents house and had killed them in cold blood. Her mother had spared her the details, after all, she was just a child and she didn’t need to know the gruesome details of the crime. Tonks, however, was a smart girl and all she needed to do was look into the news papers to get the information that her parents had tried to keep from her. Her grandparents had been killed by a wizard who’s identity remained unknown, but he was a supporter of Pure Blood Supremacy. Her grandparents had been tortured to death and it was her own father who had found them. It had been a warning. It was clear by the message written in magical words: Blood-Traitors and Mudblood shall be purged. She had tried her best to keep her cool, and she had succeded so far until Boreas had said those words.

Can you imagine that, half-blood scum? How much they must have screamed as they were cursed….

Her wand was in her hand automatically and she couldn’t even remember mouthing the spell. She didn’t know it, she’d never learned it, even less, used it before. McGonagall took her to her office and closed the door quietly. Tonks stood there silently. She knew she was about to get punished, in the worse case scenario she’d get expelled, in the best, she’d earn detention for the rest of the year. Needless to say, when McGonagall kneeled down in front of her and pulled her into a hug, the girl was speechless. “I’m so sorry about your grandparents, Tonks…” she muttered patting her back. And the girl broke. She started sobbing as the child she was supposed to be. All her attempts to appear cool and collected shattered into pieces.She didn’t want to be there, now. She wanted to be home, with her parents...she wanted to see her grandparents. She felt to helpless. McGonagall patted her comfortingly. She wasn’t the girl’s head of house, but she had come to like the girl after expending so many private tutorings for her Metamorphmagus lessons. McGonagall had been patrolling the corridors when she heard the fuss and she had made it on time to hear Boreas mock Tonks about her grandparents deaths. She couldn’t blame the child for stunning the older kid. “I’m so sorry...I’m so sorry…” Tonks sobbed “I didn’t meant to hex him...but...but…” “I know...I know....” McGonagall said soothingly “it’d be alright...I saw. I will speak to Horace about what happened…” “I couldn’t say good-bye…” Tonks mumbled “I promised Nana I’d visit her for christmas. She said she’d knit me a new jumper...” McGonagall was wordless. She could only rub the girl’s back trying to comfort her as best as she could, knowing that there was little she could do. She was too young to deal with such tragic deaths. “Would you rather go home? I’m sure we can speak to Professor Dumbledore, and he’d let you go home for a while…”

Tonks didn’t answer, but she nodded between her sobs. She wanted to go home. As she sat there in McGonagall’s office crying helplessly a tiny voice whispered inside of her mind.

For each change that is made, and equal price must be paid.

***

Sirius stomped angrily to the table. He’s young face was filled with bitterness and anger, making Peter shrink when the boy snapped at him for asking what was wrong. “Look at this…” Sirius threw a copy of the Daily Prophet on the table. Lupin picked it up and his eyes went wide as he read the article. “Dorotea and Jacob Tonks….?” James said reading from over his shoulder “Are they…?” “Tonks grandparents…” Sirius said grumpily. “Blimey….”James said wide eyed “And Boreas was...rubbing it on her face. Not surprise she threw a hex at him…” “Charm…” Lupin corrected “It was a stunning charm. I don’t know how she knew how to cast it. We don’t see those until fourth year…” “Maybe she read it somewhere and she just….randomly used it.” James shrugged. “Who cares…” Sirius said in annoyance “I’m more concerned about my cousin. What if she gets expelled for it?” “You think McGonagall would expel her after...well, that…?” James said looking at the newspaper. “Who knows…” “Maybe we should go see her…” Lupin suggested. He didn’t think McGonagall would expel her, but he was concerned about the girl’s emotional state at the moment. The four Gryffindor boys rushed to McGonagall’s office. To their surprise, they weren’t the only ones there as they almost stumbled with a ginger headed girl and a pale black haired boy. “Snivellus?” Sirius said dumbfounded. “Evans!” James said in surprised. Lily rolled her eyes ignoring both of them. The girl was obviously worried and Lupin had to admit that Snape looked concerned as well. Perhaps Tonks was right, and despite Snape negations, he considered the Hufflepuff girl a friend. “Is she still inside?” he asked Snape. The boy seemed surprised that Lupin was addressing directly at him. “What?” “ Tonks. That’s why you are here, no?” Lupin said standing in front of the door “You must have heard of what happened in the Slytherin common room…” “...It was Lily’s…” Lupin could almost hear Tonks voice chiming in his ear. There he goes...pushing the credit to someone else...that’s Severus. Snape let out an irritated sigh and Lupin smiled faintly. He had to admit that perhaps the girl was right, and Snape wasn’t as bad as Sirius and James liked to put him. “They haven’t come out…” he whispered softly “I heard Boreas and some other students talk about some muggles being tortured with the Cruciatus curse and ... When I heard they were name Tonks. ” “You tied the knots…” Lupin nodded. He wished he’d had known earlier. He couldn’t imagine how the girl was feeling. “Boreas got her before I did…” Snape muttered “It’s not like I care about her, but making fun of the dead...is not right…” Lupin nodded. Maybe it was because Tonks had said it before, but suddenly he could see all those little things that betrayed Snape’s intention to appear indifferent. They talk was interrupted by McGonagall’s door opening. “Professor!” Lily said in a rush. McGonagall was visibly surprised by the small crowd in front of her door. “Evans, Snape, Lupin, Black, Potter and Pettigrew. What are you doing here?” “Professor...it wasn’t Tonks fault, Boreas…” Sirius began, but McGonagall stopped him. “I know. I already spoke to Professor Slughorn about it. He isn’t too happy with how his students were using such....lamentable news. Especially to someone who was involved directly to the victims. ” A wave of relief spread between the them. That was a good sign, at least it meant that Tonks wouldn’t be expelled for stunning Boreas. “Is...Tonks alright?” Lupin asked and for a second he thought he had seen sadness in the stern professor’s face. “I won’t lie to you. Ms. Tonks isn’t feeling too well right now…” “Can we see her? I mean...our company could help, right?” Sirius said. “I’m afraid no, Mr. Black. Professor Dumbledore agreed that, under the current circumstances, it was better for Ms. Tonks to be with her family. She was sent home…” “She’s not here?” Lily asked “When will she come back?” “Ms. Evans, I’m afraid that it is hard to say. It is a difficult moment for her and her family. They’ll need time to ...recover.” Tonks had to be worse than they had imagined. It was difficult to imagine such a cheerful girl mourning after all. “But...professor...about Boreas…” “Like I said, Black. We will handle that. Tonks won’t be punished for what happened today. There’s no need to put her under more anxiety.” They had known McGonagall was right, and in the current circumstances there was no better place for her but her own home with her family. At least, there wouldn’t Slytherin ready to add salt to her injury there. Lupin was aware of this, and even when he knew that it was the most reasonable solution, he couldn’t help but wish she was here. Tonks absence was noticed by many and, unfortunately, not all those who noticed were friendly eyes. Rumors had begun to spread among the hallways of the school. From her being expelled for almost “killing” a student to her being sent to Azkaban and other ridiculous things that made Lupin want to hex the whole student body; something that -as James had noted- was absolutely rare on him. Sirius, too, had been in a foul mood ever since the incident with Boreas; and he made it his life goal to make the Slytherin pay. Thanks to Lily and, to both Sirius and James surprise, Snape’s efforts, the rumors slowly died away. Days passed, and the night of the full moon arrived. Lupin sat quietly in Shrieking Shack awaiting the time for his transformation. It wasn’t nice; it never was and it didn’t matter how many times he went through it, he’d never get used to it. The burning sensation tearing through his muscles and skin; the piercing sting in his bones as the stretched and twisted into their animal forms. Ususally, he’d lose all his human consciousness once he’d changed, but that night something odd had happened. His human mind was conscious along the animal’s.Not fully there, but there. The wolf sneaked out of the dilapidated house and made his way into the forest. He smelled the air and a wave of different essences invaded his nostrils: grass, soil, deer, hare...familiar scents of the wild, but there was another scent hiding under all those. A scent that was alien, yet..familiar. The wolf followed the scent through the forest until it reached the end of it. He could see the castle at the distance and the wolf realized that he’d reached the school grounds. Why had the scent brought him there? His ears caught the sound of footsteps and out of sudden, a dark hooded figure sat down a few steps from him. His first reaction was to get defensive. The wolf bared its teeth and growled in warning; he was ready to jump at the new comer anytime, but then he caught the scent. That strange fragrance that felt so familiar and...attracting. “Is that you?” a soft voice asked in a whisper. The wolf didn’t recognize it immediately. She couldn’t see him as long as he stayed in the shadows casted by the forest trees, but he could see her perfectly well under the moonlight. It was the same girl he’d met some time ago, in this same place. However, the wolf noticed something different about her. The first time they had met, she was full of life and energy. At the time he’d been tempted to jump at her and attack, but he found himself unable to do it. Attacking her felt wrong. Almost as if he was attacking his mate. So he had stayed down and watched her suspiciously. Tonight, however, she seemed...tired...weak; perhaps even ill and he felt tempted to jump out, not to attack her, but to look at her to be sure she was alright. “Wotcher…” she said softly. She had noticed him “I was wondering if I’d see you, today.” The wolf was surprised. The girl didn’t seem afraid of him, but then again, she couldn’t see him, could she? “ I’ve just arrived. I was away for a while, you know? Well, that’s a stupid question. Of course you wouldn’t know...” The wolf watched her quietly; she was right. He wouldn’t know, but his human counterpart did and he’d been awfully concerned about her absence. “It’s been some tough days, would you mind listening to me? It’s not like I have anyone I can talk to about this.” she said tiredly. There was no way for the wolf to answer and, even though he thought that he couldn’t care less about human matters, he found himself unable to leave. He wasn’t sure whether it was his human side’s influence, or the strange sense of attachment that this girl gave him. Taking the wolf’s silence as a agreement, the girl moved from the stone and sat down over the grass with her legs crossed. “My grandparents are gone.” she said in a soft whisper. Her voice was firm, but the wold could see the glitter in her watery eyes “ It was...a murder. My parents tried to spare me the details, of course. I know they think I’m too young to understand, but I’m not that naive. My grandparents were mug...normal people. You know, no magic? They knew about me of course. They were the only ones in my dad’s family that knew, and my Nana loved to see me change the color of my hair…” Tonks had stared at her hands and took a deep breath before continuing to speak. “It was a wizard…” she said weakly “Who did it, I mean. I heard dad telling mom he’d been imperiused. I’m not sure what that is, but it sounded bad. My grandparents...suffered a lot. The man from the ministry, he was kind of scary with that magical eye. He said they had been tortured. Mum thinks it was her family...she feels guilty. Dad told her it wasn’t her fault and if there was someone to blame, that was him. The only reason her family was after us, is him…” The wolf had raised his head. It was difficult for him to understand it, but he’d sensed a switch in the air. It was faint, but his sensitive nose could feel it. Animal’s scent could change depending on their feelings; he’d smelled the scent of fear when he hunted; even the scent of urgency. THe scent he was sensing now, however, was one he wasn’t used to: Grief. “ Mum is a pure blood and my dad is from a non magical family so them being together is a crime.My parents love each other. Isn’t love supposed to be a good thing? It’s….it’s….it’s not fair…” Tonks had begun sobbing, and the wolf felt something it wasn’t used to: empathy. Without even realizing it, he had stepped out from the shadows. He was still young, so compared to an adult of his kind, he was pretty small, but his coat was of a silvery gray that almost seemed to glow under the soft touch of the sunlight. The wolf approached the girl cautiously and sat down in front of her. Tonks raised her face and her puffy eyes locked with his amber ones. He was surprised that the girl didn’t seem to flinch at his presence. He had crossed paths with people before, and they have all either tried to hurt him or ran off terrified. This girl, however, wasn’t. She didn’t want to hurt him and she wasn’t scared of him. “You...are not a dog…” she said a little shocked. The wolf tilted his head at her “Oh, no. I’m so sorry Mr. Wolfie….all this time I thought you were a dog. I didn’t offend you, did I?” If wolves could frown, he would have done it already. From all the reactions he’d expected, an apology was definitely not in the list. The girl stretched her hands at him. She wasn’t stupid, and she knew that trying to pet a wild animal wasn’t smart, but there was something about the wolf that was familiar; something that made her feel safe. The wolf had tensed when he saw the girl’s hand getting close to him. His natural instinct told him to growl and show her his fangs, but something was preventing him from doing it; something that he didn’t understand told him that he couldn’t hurt that girl. Tonks fingers brushed the wolf’s fur gently, and he relaxed letting her pet him. The girl’s tear had stopped falling down her cheeks and a faint smile curved her lips. She realized that the wolf had let her see and pet him as a gesture of comfort. Her grandmother had been right, animals sometimes understood better than people. “Thank you…” she whispered resting her head against his back and the wolf decided that, even if he shouldn’t trust humans, he knew he could, at least, trust this girl.

*** Lupin woke up in the Shrieking Shack the next morning feeling a little airheaded. As his mind grew more awake and alert, a sense of horror invaded him. He could remember small bits of the events from last night and a terrible fear filled him. His fear was even enlarged by the lingering familiar scent on him. He had approached Tonks in his wolf’s form. Had he bitten her? Had he hurt her? His, still over sensitive sense of smell, didn’t catch any trace of blood on his body, but he was still restless. The boy got dressed and ignoring the pain in his body he made his way back to Hogwarts. Under normal circumstances he’d have headed straight to the hospital wing to receive his after moon treatment, but he had to make sure he hadn’t hurt Tonks. One of the advantages (or disadvantages depending on the situation) of his transformation was that he’d retain his wolf’s senses the following 24h. He was able to track down Tonks lingering scent.He could tell she was somewhere in the school grounds and he didn’t need his wolf senses to know where.

Tonks was fast asleep when he found her. She was curled in a corner of the owlery with her head resting against the wall. The girl had probably spent the night in the tower. It wasn’t autumn yet, but nights could still get chilly and she was only wearing her school robes. Lupin knelt in front of her and scanned her carefully. To his relief, the girl did not seem to show any indication of being hurt, but she was a little too cold to the touch. “Tonks…” he said shaking her gently “Tonks...wake up…” It took Lupin a few minutes to wake her up, and he found himself smiling unconsciously when the girl groaned. She opened her sleepy eyes and looked around slightly confused. “Remus?” “Good morning…” he said softly as the girl rubbed her eyes. “...Wotcher..” she said pushing herself into a sitting position and stretching her arms “What are you doing here?” “I should be asking you that…” he replied “ Shouldn’t you be sleeping in your bed?” “My…?” Tonks looked around and her eyes widened in surprise when she noticed her surroundings. After a few seconds of memory work she seemed to remember why and how she had gotten there and Lupin saw her blush in embarrassment. “I fell asleep…” she mumbled “Oh, Merlin…” “ I could tell that...but why are you sleeping in the owlery…?” he chuckled. “Eh...I came back last night. I couldn’t sleep and decided to go out for a stroll...I guess I just fell asleep here…” she looked around her “Did you …?” “Did I…?” “There was a...dog,well, no a dog, a wolf…” Tonks looked around as if she was wondering whether she had imagined all of it “You know what,...forget it…” Lupin was frozen for a minute. Had he stayed with her the last night? He couldn’t remember well. When he transformed, his memories were blurry and scattered, so he couldn’t quite remember all the things he did when he wasn’t human. “Uh….don’t worry. It was nothing…” she smiled and then she frowned in concern “Remus... what happened to you?” “To me?” Then he remembered. In the middle of his worry about Tonks, he had forgotten. He was probably covered in scratches and injuries that Madam Pomfrey had yet to heal. “I…” he said trying to come up with a believable excuse. “Oh, dear... I passed you the clumsiness curse, didn’t I?” Tonks said slightly concerned “Oh Merlin....” “It’s nothing, Tonks...just a few scratches. I’m fine…” “Oh, you’re not fine Remus, and let me tell you...I know about injuries…” the girl replied standing up clumsily and scanning the boy with worry “We should go to madam Pomfrey…” Tonks began pushing him out of the owlery with hurry. Lupin knew the girl’s concern was real, but he couldn’t help but find her actions a little amusing. Unfortunately, Tonks’s good intentions were beaten by her innate clumsiness when she tripped at the exit of the tower and dragged Lupin along with her to the ground. The boy let out a groan as he crashed against the ground. His strained muscles complained at the impact and he had to bite his lip to not let out a screech. “Oh, buggers! I’m so sorry, Remus! Are you okay?But what am I saying...of course you’re not. Okay...stupid me… eh, where does it hurt?” If Lupin was honest, everywhere; but it wasn’t her fault; and despite feeling horribly in pain, he let out a heartwarming laugh. “Oh, no...oh, no, no. Did you hit your head? Remus? How many fingers am I holding...I don’t know if that even works, but I’ve seen people ask that in the movies…” “Tonks…” Lupin chuckled pushing himself up “I’m alright...don’t worry.” “Are you sure?” “Yes, but...I’d appreciate some help getting...well, up…” “Ah...of course.” Tonks helped Lupin back on his feet; then, she pulled his arm over her shoulders to allow him to lean on her as they made their way back to the castle. “Weird...I could have sworn you were shorter…”Lupin said with a smirk. Lupin had done his homework after Tonks had told his wolf side that she was a Metamorphmagus. There wasn’t much information about them in the library’s books because Metamorphmagus were very rare, and the knowledge about them was scarce. All he’d been able to find out was that the gift of metamorphmagic was unique and some considered it genetically encoded and that they were capable to change their appearance at will and for extended periods of time. “What?” Tonks said innocently. He didn’t have to know that she had morphed herself a few inches taller to make it easier for him to relay on her. “Nothing, I must have hit my head and now I’m imagining things…”he mumbled casually. Madam Pomfrey wasn’t too happy when Tonks came into the hospital wing with a very hurt Lupin and she pushed the younger student out of the room as she handled the Gryffindor’s many injuries. That left a guilty looking Tonks pacing around the nurse’s office like a caged lion until the nurse came back with a freshly healed Lupin. “Now, Ms. Tonks…” Madam Pomfrey said sternly “I’ve healed Mr. Lupin’s injuries, but he needs rest, so…” “I know...I know. I won’t bother him...I promise.” Tonks quickly added “I’ll accompany him to back to Gryffindor’s Tower and he’ll be free of me for the rest of the day…” Madam Pomfrey stared at the girl with a frown that made Lupin chuckle. Every little detail of her posture was giving away a very clear message and he was fighting a very silly urge to laugh. At the end, the nurse had reluctantly allowed them to leave. “Oh, dear Merlin…” Tonks sighed “Is there any chance, Madam Pomfrey hates me?” “I highly doubt it…” Lupin answered “She’s probably in a bad mood. I’m under the impression that she gets like that when she’s concerned about the well being of her patients…” “Ah...then she totally hates me.” Tonks nodded to herself “I’m so sorry, Remus...I didn’t meant to ...well, make it worse…” “You didn’t make it worse, Tonks.” He wasn’t lying. The pain he was feeling was due to the full moon and compared to that, a small lump in his head was nothing. “Still...aggh. My lack of grace will be my doom one day. I’m sorry...” “Hey, I said it was fine. Really...” It was clear that Tonks wasn’t convinced, but she didn’t push the mater. Lupin stared at the girl as they walked . She wasn’t looking as bright as she usually was and even though she was trying to act like she usually did, he could tell that her cheerness wasn’t completely honest. “ Ehm...this might be a little improper, but...How...How are you?” he said hesitantly. Lupin wasn’t entirely sure if it’d be okay to ask her. He and Sirius had sent her a few owls during her absence. Owls that were never answered; but neither of them had blamed or resented her for it. Like James had said, she was either too busy with all of it or simply too mournful to write back. Tonks seemed to have froze on her feet. “I…” she began. She hesitated. Tonks turned to face Lupin and saw his gentle eyes staring at her with worry. Worry, not pity, she noticed. She opened her mouth to say something, but no words came out from it. “Oh, well...hey, it’s okay. I’m just...concerned, but you don’t need to talk if you don’t want to. I know it’s hard…” he said rubbing the back of his neck. And then she broke. The mask of cheerness faded and Lupin watched in horror how the girl’s eyes became teary and red. Tonks let out a frustrated mix between a growl and a sob and rushed to clean up her tears with the sleeve of her robe in the most dignifying way she could. She didn’t want to be seen crying like a fool. She had momentarily forgotten her grandparents death with all the disastrous events with Lupin, but now, the weight of reality had fallen on her shoulders once more and for some annoying reason she couldn’t stop herself from weeping. Lupin was panicking. He wasn’t good at this kind of things; dealing with girls was more Sirius’s area. In other circumstances, the panic in his- usually calm face - would have been amusing. “S-s-sorry. It’s my fault. I don’t know...my emotional switch must be broken or something...haha…” she said rubbing her face “I don’t even know why am I crying...haha…” “...Tonks…” “Maybe I should go.You can….get to Gryffindor on your own, right?” “Tonks….” “I’ll just...go and…” “Nymphadora!” Lupin felt a little self conscious about using her name, but at least he had gotten her attention. He was glad that rather than angry, she seemed surprised by him using her name. “Don’t…” she began, but Lupin waved his hand in front of hair. “I know...but you weren’t listening.” he said “look. I understand...what happened was terrible. There’s nothing wrong if you want to cry. I’d never judge you, none of us would. We are your friends. We want to...help. That’s what friends do. Support each other…” He remembered that some time ago he had gotten that same speech from James and Sirius, and the memory made him smile. He’d never imagined himself giving it to someone else. Tonks stared at him quietly. There was something about Lupin’s voice that could make her feel calm, but she had no idea what it was. She cleaned up her face as best as she could and nodded. Lupin suddenly sensed someone approaching. It was probably some students ready to go for breakfast and the last thing Tonks needed was a bunch of students gossiping about her in her face; so he grabbed her hand and dragged her all the way out of the castle again. “Wait...what...?” Tonks asked surprised “Remus!” Lupin didn’t answer until he considered that they were far enough to not be seen by any other students. “Sorry, there was someone coming. I thought they’d make you feel uncomfortable with...you know…” he said embarrassed. There was silent pause between them. Out of sudden, Tonks broke into a soft and weak giggle. The girl understood Lupin’s intention. She’d left the school in a pretty flashy way, and by now everyone would have heard about her grandparents. Rumors and gossips were bound to appear, and Lupin had wanted to spare her the weight of the other students’ curious looks until she felt a little better to deal with them. “Thank you…” “Erm...it’s nothing…” he said with a smile “say….How about we... skip class today? We can take a stroll, or just sit around and talk. That should make you feel better...” “Madam Pomfrey said you had to rest…” “Yeah. She didn’t say I had to do it in my bed, did she? It’s fine...I can get excused from class for being a little ill and I’m sure no one will say anything if you skip today….” Tonks seemed to consider it. “WHere do you suggest we hide?” Lupin smiled. “Just follow me…”

[medsteph]

Recent thoughts

My councillor recommended I write down my feelings as of late so here we go.

It’s been just over a year now that I’ve suffered from anorexia, and things have not gotten any easier. Although I seemed to have gained a little bit of weight over the last month or so, it has come from a place of self-destructive behaviour developed through my “recovery”. My councillor says it’s not atypical behaviour to be suffering from, but it has caused me a great deal of stress and has seemed to worsen my depression as of late.

I thought I was, and still am to a certain extent, developing binge eating disorder with a side of bulimia. However, my councillor has reassured me that it is merely a part of the recovery process, and my type of anorexia is in fact a subtype, called “Anorexia Binge Purge Subtype”. What this means is that my body is now starting to reject my anorexic mindset, and is starving for the food it has been denied for so long. With this new access to foods that we are working on to try incorporating, my body goes on autopilot and I lose control of my restraint and willpower. It will go after cheese, sweets, biscuits, chocolates, and anything else fatty and delicious it can get its hands on. But because of this “starvation mode” as they like to call it, it doesn’t know when to stop, and it will definitely not stop even with you screaming at it to.

When dealing with having an anorexic voice in your head, telling you what a piece of fat garbage you are, as well, things can get extremely stressful. Once the adrenaline dies down after the animalistic binge, a huge wave of guilt and shame washes over you. This is not the same feeling of “Oh I had so much at dinner tonight” or “I can’t believe I just finished off that whole tub of ice cream”. This feeling is you’re your whole world is collapsing, like you are actually going to die, because you just ate enough for 4 people in less than 30 minutes. There has been countless amount of times within the last couple of months I have cried, screamed and hurt myself over this loss of control, even moments of contemplating suicide, even to this day. However, with dealing with the binging for so long, my anorexic mind has developed a new way of coping with it: purging. Before it was through exercise; running, sit ups, squats, weights etc. But now that I am hiding my purging from my family a lot more, and I just don’t have the energy to work out, I have now resulted to self-induced vomiting. Even with all the risks that come with it, I still do it. Why? I honestly couldn’t tell you. I feel like it’s the only way I can cope with the binging, and I think it actually is being encouraged by the disease. As if it’s saying “Ok, I’ll let you eat what you want, but you have to get rid of it ASAP, or else”. To this day I still have these thoughts, and the episodes are happening more often, and the purging is happening a lot more frequently throughout the day. Before it would happen once a day, maybe twice-three times a week. Now it seems like it’s happening five times a week, and the binges and purges at the very least twice a day, sometimes up to three to four. I can see visible weight gain from these episodes, and that is causing me so much grief I honestly don’t know how I’m going to cope if this keeps going on, I feel I may end up killing myself, whether it be intentional or not.

Enquiring my dietician about this on how long this phase can last, she told me it varies from person to person, some people deal with this for just a few weeks, while others a couple of months. I’ve dealt with this since late March. I don’t know how much longer I can go on honestly. Everytime time it happens I tell myself “I can’t let this happen again. I won’t be able to handle it”, but the cycle will continue again, and again. My councillor said it will die down when I get to a more stable weight, but I have my doubts. I just want to go back to restricting in all honesty. I don’t care anymore.

The thing with anorexia, is that it wants control over you, it wants to tell you what you think you want to hear, what you need to do to achieve the happiness you’ve been striving for and how denying yourself will help you get there. It’s kind of like a manipulative friend, or a patronising parent. I have experienced such taunts such as:

“You fat greedy pig”, “This is why you’re ugly”, “You don’t need to eat something that high calorie, you’re too lazy to justify it”, “God look at your thighs, they’re so big”, “Everyone is lying to you, you’re still fat, don’t stop restricting”.

These ones are some of the most common phrases I’ll hear over, and over again. I like to call her Ms. Anna. I picture her something akin to a boarding school teacher, hair in a tight bun, skeletal and pointy features, dressed in prim and modest clothing, a ruler hitting the palm of her hand frequently, and a constant frown plastered on her face.

I don’t like Ms. Anna. I’m sure it’s safe to say I hate Ms. Anna. But at the same time, I’m scared to be without her. Even though she’s horrible, nasty and downright evil at times, she has held my hand for so long I think I’d feel lost without her. She has my best interests in mind. She wants me to be happy with my body and self-worth. That’s why she’s so hard on me. Tough love maybe. I find it hard to put into coherent words. I feel like I’m trapped in an abusive relationship because of her. She’s closed me off from all my friends and made me feel unworthy of their friendship.

I don’t want to burden them with my struggles. Even my own family relationships are starting to crumble. I snap at my family all the time; my mother worries constantly, and I feel an intense sense of guilt because of it. I don’t want to cause her this distress, and I don’t want to have her deal with this all the time, so I keep my distance. Not just for her sake, but for my own. I just want to be alone, I need the silence. But at the same time, I crave for the company of another person, but I would rather just their presence was there, no words, just the comfort of knowing that I have some human contact if I need it there. I’m so alone. And I can’t blame anyone else but myself for that. I’ve pushed my friends away and I wouldn’t blame them if they would rather avoid me because of all this. I deserve it.

I’m always thinking of food. I’ve lost interest in all my previous hobbies. I have no motivation. I can’t even remember a lot of my past activities I used to take joy in. I sit in my room most days waiting for the days to pass by. I think because of this I turn to the food for comfort. It’s my enemy but also my friend.  So I try and get out as much as possible. But with no job and no friends readily available, I’m left at a loss of what to do.

I can’t handle this anymore. This summer has been so difficult I am on the verge of a breakdown. I don’t want to ask for help, because I don’t know what anyone can do. This is my illness and there is no instant cure. It takes time, but the longer it goes on the more strain I am experiencing, and I don’t know how much longer I can cope.

[builder051]

Mike & Co story arc: part 1

This is going to be a 5-parter?  Maybe?  Something like that.  Nowhere near as long as Hildur and Pierce’s storyline, but still decently extended.  The episodes will move among different characters’ POV, and Mike, Jason, Colby, Ash, and Hannah will all be included.  There will be a little bit of illness/emeto, but it’s going to be mainly plot.

WARNING FOR EATING DISORDER CONTENT.  It kind of features in this part, but it’s going to be vague and kind of glossed over throughout because it’s not the main focus of this arc, but it’s definitely a thing that affects all of these charas, whether directly or indirectly.

Also, a warning for an obscene amount of cursing.  This girl is by far my most foul-mouthed character.

_____

Everything’s fine.  Everything is completely and totally fine.  Her grades are good.  She’s not being forced to go home for spring break.  There’s plenty of new stuff to watch on Netflix.  So why Mike goes into the 7-11 and buys out a display of Hostess Cupcakes is beyond her.  Nothing’s weighing on her mind.  She hasn’t been in a fight.  The urge just hits like a ton of bricks and she’s suddenly powerless.

She hasn’t done this in months, and maybe that’s why she’s so out of practice in saying no to herself.  Mike holds the plastic shopping bag in the crook of her elbow and swallows the first cupcake in two bites.  She reaches in for another, and self-hatred flares up in her ribcage.  That feeling’s more familiar.

Mike finishes the sweets by the time she finishes the walk to the campus.  She crumples the shopping bag and lobs it into the trash outside the humanities building, then shoves inside.  It’s after five on a Friday, so the hallways are deserted.  That’s a good thing.

Mike pauses to take a long drink from the water fountain, then ducks into the bathroom to get down to business.  She feels weird and shaky and a little guilty to be doing this again after being clean for so long.  But post-purge guilt still beats holding onto the calories.

It’s like riding a bike; the technique comes back quickly, and Mike’s at the sink washing up within minutes.  Her eyes are read and teary, and they’ll probably stay that way for half an hour or so.  At least she’s on a college campus, so she can blame smoking pot.

She dries her hands with a paper towel, then uses it to wipe her mouth.  Now that the deed’s done, she’s exhausted.  The tremor she felt earlier has crept permanently into arms and legs, and she knows it won’t go away until she falls asleep or eats something for real.  And that’s definitely not going to happen any time soon.

Mike wants to go home.  There’s no reason to loiter around campus anymore; her classes are all done for break.  She can practically hear her bed calling from across town.  Some music, some TV.  Maybe a little ibuprofen/Unisom cocktail.  That sounds nice.

But Jason and Colby are probably home.  They are more often than not, and it’s way too early for them to have retired to the bedroom.  They’re probably sitting at the kitchen table right now, wondering where the fuck she is, because that’s all they seem to do.  If she wants them to stay out of her business, she can’t go home yet.

Mike considers sending out an exploratory text message, a simple hey what are you doing?  But if anything’s going to get her caught, it’s that.  She never initiates contact.

Mike shoves her phone deep into her pocket and starts a circuit around the campus.  If she goes out behind the Humanities building and walks the paved loop around most of the main thoroughfare, she’ll kill an hour and another couple hundred calories.  Mike wraps her arms around her midsection and slaps her feet hard against the sidewalk.

She wishes she could refocus, just snap her fingers and immediately place some other fixation in her brain, at least temporarily.  Bile and chocolate still coat her back teeth, and Mike isn’t sure if she’s disgusted or thrilled.  She wishes she had a cigarette.  But it’s cold and windy out, and it probably wouldn’t stay lit anyway.  Just like she can’t stay normal.  

“Why’d you do that?” Mike spits under her breath.  “Why’d you fucking do that?”

She can’t come up with a good answer.  She just felt like it.  She gave in.  She fucked up.

If she was talking to Colby, he’d say it was ok.  It’s ok to fuck up and have a setback.  She can just try to do better tomorrow.

Mike guesses she can.  But it doesn’t make her any less stupid today.

Jason would tell it like it is.  He’d give Mike a good disappointed head-shake and tell her to go fuck herself.  Or just eat food like a normal person and not throw it back up.

Then she’d ask him how he knew what normal people did.  The possibility of an argument would be too good to resist.

“You don’t know what normal people do either,” Mike huffs to herself.  “Not everybody thrives on conflict like you, bitch.”

She would’ve clocked herself in the face with that comment if the choice had been anywhere near logical.  The desire to hit something is rising fast.  There’s a dilapidated storage shed coming up a few feet off the path, and Mike steps onto the soggy grass and slams her fist into the dented door.  It produces a hollow sound, and the whole shack seems to shudder even though the punch is weak.

Something perks up in Mike’s brain as adrenaline starts to flow, and she hits the door again.  She assumes a sloppy boxing stance and jabs right and left and right again.  Her knuckles start to hurt, and somehow that makes her laugh.  She switches to battering the door with the heel of her hand.  It creaks as if it’s going to give way under Mike’s meager strength, and in her mind, it’s fucking hilarious.

If she manages to break down the door, is there going to be some kind of junker lawn mower inside?  Mike’s suddenly keen to find out.  The pseudo-boxing match is making her tired, so she readjusts and rams the door with her shoulder.  Pain lances down her arm and across her back.  She’s too bony to throw her weight around without hurting herself.  But it doesn’t keep her from trying again.

Mike backs up a foot or so and throws her hip and elbow into the shed.  She feels something give way, and she knows she’ll only need to smack the thing another couple more times to force the door open.  She takes a second to catch her breath and swallow bitter saliva before she puts her back into it again.

“Hey!  What are you doing?  That’s university property!”

Mike looks over her shoulder to see two campus police officers hurrying toward her.  “Fuck,” she mumbles.  She should run for it.  But she’s so close to forcing the shed open.  She doesn’t want to stop.  She can’t stop.

Mike butts the side of her body into the door one more time, and the latch breaks off the door with a crunch.  She falls sideways as the door swings open under her, but before she hits the ground, one of the officers has his hand wrapped around her arm.  “What do you think you’re doing?” he barks.

She got the door open, but it’s not like it proved anything.  Now she’s stuck here with two cops, and she might have been committing a crime.  She has a feeling explaining the truth is going to get her nowhere.  I had to do something to distract myself from the fact that I’d just broken a 4-month clean streak from my eating disorder probably isn’t going to hold water with the police.  Like she’d willingly speak those words anyway.

So she does the next worst thing she can think of.  Mike draws her free arm back and aims a punch at the officer’s jaw.

“Whoa, calm down,” the other cop says, moving his hands in a shushing motion.  “We just want to talk to you.”

“Well, I don’t want to talk to you,” Mike grunts.  She manages to get her feet under her.  The officer holding her arm doesn’t have much on her in height, but he’s heavy.  His belt and tucked-in shirt hold a substantial beer gut.  She bets he hits the Hostess cupcakes pretty hard too.  Mike can barely look at him without being disgusted.  She gathers her remaining strength and socks him in the stomach.

“Ma’am, I need you to put both hands up.”  The fat officer tries to manhandle her around to face the shed’s outer wall.

“Let me go,” Mike grunts.  “Don’t touch me.”  She continues to struggle.

“We just wanted to have a chat,” the other cop says, reaching for Mike’s flailing hand.  He has red hair like Ash, and the thought of her old friend makes her want to knock him to the ground.  She doesn’t have a reason to hate this officer.  She doesn’t have a reason to hate Ash, either.  But the violent feelings don’t stop coming.

“Don’t fucking touch me.”  Mike thrashes her body, and the fat cop’s arm comes around her waist.  He isn’t holding her tightly, but panic strobes in her brain, and she feels sick.  She wants to run.

“You want to get booked for resisting arrest?” The red-headed officer asks.

“I don’t want anything to do with anything,” Mike spits.  Her head is growing foggy.  The peeling paint on the outside of the shed blurs before her eyes.  One ear is about ten times heavier than the other, and she tilts badly to one side.

“Stand up straight.  Put your hands behind your head,” The fat cop says.  “This is the last time I’m gonna ask.”

Mike might’ve complied.  Or maybe she wouldn’t’ve.  She doesn’t get the chance to decide, though, because vertigo suddenly takes precedence, and she doubles over to retch against the wall.

“Hey, alright.”  The fat cop lets go of Mike’s stomach and grips her by the back of her shirt instead.  “This for real or are you just playing?”

Mike gags and manages to choke, “I’m fine.  Leave me alone.”  She takes one stumbling step away from the officers and almost falls.  She claws at the side of the shed to hold herself upright.

“Let’s go somewhere we can talk.  You can sit down, cool off a little,” the red-head offers.  He puts his hand on Mike’s shoulder in a way that’s half-comforting and half-threatening.  She jerks away and covers her mouth with her hand.  She throws up anyway, and it’s mostly chocolate mixed with some snot and bile.

“Fuck.”  She thought she’d gotten it all back up.

“Ma’am?”

“Shut the fuck up.  I’m not going with you!”  The force of shouting makes Mike lightheaded, and she stumbles again.

“Are you going to faint?”  The cops look at each other.

“Just leave me alone,” Mike mumbles.  The words are getting harder to form.  Her vision swirls, and it only makes the dizziness worse.

“We’re gonna get you some medical attention, ok?”  The fat cop puts his arm around her waist while the other one talks into a walkie-talkie.  Mike catches the wordambulance.

“Don’t take me…” she chokes out.  They can’t take her to the hospital.  They can’t.  She won’t stand for it.  She’ll run away.  She’ll let Jason drive her home.  “Call my brother.”

“We’ll call him when we get to the ER,” the red-headed officer reassures.  “They’ll help you out with whatever’s going on or whatever you took.  Then we’ll get in touch with your family…”

Mike wants to burst out laughing again.  They think she’s high.  She wishes she was high.  But she’s already out of her mind and her eyes are red, so there’s probably little difference.

“Fuck you.  I’m alright.”  Mike makes one more effort to get away.  She’ll escape the fat cop’s partial embrace and run.

But she can’t even get on her feet.  Mike lists sideways and everything goes dark.

[lunamami]

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For now, we’re adding local moving resources to our website all the time, so feel free to browse our latest content, and if you have any questions or concerns, we’re only a phone call away. Call us at 737-202-9538 Texas furniture moving is proud to announce, we have been awarded the super service award from angie’s list. We have some of the best movers around and accomplishments like this prove it! thank you to our movers, our staff and most of all – our customers!!! full service austin movers local and intrastate texas movers we load and unload rental trucks we are known locally as the most caring and courteous austin movers…. I hate moving. But if you have to move, jermaine and brandon with Texas home movers make it as painless as possible. I usually rent a truck, hire a couple of college students, and supplement them with family and friends. With the pandemic and wanting to practice as much social distancing as possible, i knew i would just need to hire movers and be done with it. I've had my fair share of nightmares when it comes to movers but after looking at all the yelp reviews and getting pricing, i chose Texas man and a van home movers. Jermaine and brandon called 30-minutes out to let me know they were on their way. They were professional and took great care of my furniture by wrapping everything with pads and shrink wrap. I have one very large dresser/cabinet from room & board that is solid cherry wood and a steel base that everyone hates to move because it's so heavy. The place i was moving into you can't use a dolly because of the narrow winding path leading to the front door and the guys were able to navigate it like it was nothing (though if they're like my family & friends, probably cursing under their breath). Because it was a local move i had moved contents myself so only needed movers for my furniture. There was a 2-hour minimum (weekday) and jermaine and brandon finished in exactly 2-hours with maybe even a minute to spare. If you want to keep headaches to a minimum with your next move, definitely go with Texas home movers and ask for jermaine and brandon!. How much does 2 men and one truck cost? every moving company provides different pricing for the possibility to hire from them two guys and a truck. What does it cost: on an average you can expect to be asked to pay between around $80 – $100/ hour. If you wish to hire three men with a truck the price can go up with $15 – $20 and this is cost for an hour. These rates differ not only due to the company, but also because of the time you choose to move. The cost will be higher on weekends, at the beginning/ end of the month and in summer. This is a time when the majority of people relocate and thus the price is higher. Travel time is also included in theTexas two men and a moving truck cost – usually you will be charged an hour extra due for the time to go to your home. How many people should you need for your move? ask the moving company: once you get a quote they will advise you depending on the amount of things you have for moving. Remember that the 2 men and one truck cost per hour is valid only for local moves. On large distances cross country you will pay a sum based on the volume, weight and amount of your items for relocation. Texas Furnitue Movers 3 men movers offers residential moving, office relocations, apartment moving, packing services and portable storage options. The company also provides furniture assembly and access to supersized trucks for larger homes. It performs local and long-distance moves. Other services include heavy item relocation for pianos and safes. 3 men movers offers free quotes. Service areas: greater austin and central Texas area. Professional local furniture moving company and commercial office movers to move furniture in Lubbock Tx including most of west Texas. Our furniture movers provide same day moving service and next day moving service available. Our residential and commercial interstate movers assist you every step of the way with your furniture relocation needs within the district of columbia metro. Our movers are trained not only to relocate the furniture within your office space or residential home; but to also load and unload moving truck, storage unit or pod with precision. Our clients are typically homeowners, apartment renters,interior designers, new home builders, realtors, apartment communities, business offices, hotel, restaurants, bar, small businesses, churches, corporate, child care, day care, us army soldiers, us navy soldiers, property management companies, real estate agent, interior design firms, construction companies, us air force soldiers, college students, universities, non profit organization, public school, high schools, middle schools, retail stores and more. If you or your business are looking to have a stress-free and efficient move to or from the Sugarland area, Texas man and van is the moving team you need. Whether you’re moving from an apartment, a condo, a home, an industrial park, or a commercial plaza, we’re ready to lend a hand with packing and hauling your goods. We specialize in multiple services, including helping clients move residences both locally and long-distance; helping commercial businesses move without interrupting their operations; being the muscle behind your rearrangement and redecoration with our internal moving service; offering professional and efficient assistance needed with government moving; packing up your items carefully with our packing services; and keeping your items secure with our storage options. With Texas Man And Van, you can get quotes quickly. When you require a professional Man and Van removal company for moving and removals in Texas, we at Texas Man and Van Movers can always meet your needs. Regardless of what you require from The Texas Man and Van Network of Independent Movers and Light haulage providers, you can be certain you’re obtaining the best solution at an affordable cost; we are always mindfully trying to find new and innovative ways of saving money for our customers. To find out more details, get in contact with our team on 737 202 9538 texasmanandvan.s3-website.us-west-1.amazonaws.com/movers/Texas-Man-And-Van-in-Jourdanton.html

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Local Texas & Long Distance Move Local moves are priced according to the number of hours it takes the movers to finish the jobs, while interstate moving costs depend on the weight of your shipment. So, whether you are moving locally or long distance, the cost of your move ultimately comes down to how much stuff you are moving. That means your move is the perfect time to purge things for which you no longer have need or use. That broken table you’ve been hanging onto from your days as a bachelor, the ill-fitting clothes crammed in the back of your closet, and that blender that’s been on the fritz for a few years – now’s the perfect time to toss these items! you’ll pay less for your move and your new home will have less clutter as you settle in. Big moves don’t have to cause big headaches. With a nationwide network covering 44 states, including Austin Texas , we'll safely deliver your belongings across the state. Best of all, you’re in control of the schedule. How many other companies offer long-distance moving like that?. To give you the most accurate quote, you will need to provide two men and a truck with details of your move, such as house size and type, and an overview of all of the things you plan to move. For local moves, your quote will display the hourly rate and an estimated number of hours that the move will take. If it takes longer than your initial estimate, you can expect to pay more. In need of a more comprehensive level of service for a large move? Then removal companies , with their ability to take care of everything from packing and loading to disassembly and cleaning, are a more appropriate solution. Removal companies differ from the normal man with a van operation in that they are better suited for large, long-distance moves such as a 3 to a 4-bedroom house. Additionally, with higher capacity vans, transferring your items to your new home will only require 1 trip. Interstate removals can vary in duration depending on how many belongings you need to move, and the distance you’re moving. Most interstate moves take between 4-10 days. A move from South Padre to Dallas will take longer than a move from Austin to Waco because of the sheer distance between the locations. The number of belongings you need to move will influence whether or not we need to transport an lcl (less than container load) or an fcl (full container load). Your interstate moving consultant will discuss this with you in more detail. Small moves for a small fee! (local & long distance) thanks for visiting Texas van man! we can help you move locally in the Austin Tx area or to/from anywhere in the State of Texas or cross-country. Hi, i'm roger the van man. Based in Austin, over the last decade we've moved hundreds of people locally and long-distance. We have customers in 40 states and can move anywhere across the country. We specialize in smaller moves: apartments, townhomes, condos, small homes, and we do larger homes as well. We have reviews from happy customers and a list of recent long distance moves. Flexibility for Local or Long-Distance Move About us we’re a local moving company based in Dallas Tx. Many companies either offer just truck rental or offer the full service package – without much flexibility. Texas Man & a van is different in that we offer low-cost moving assistance for local or short-distance moves. We can handle both residential & commercial moves, and are happy to provide quotes for special circumstance moves. We can work with you to handle your move according to your schedule. Don’t hassle your friends or family for help. Don’t risk injury to yourself. Call Austin man & a van today. Have you heard of local movers offering full service office and home furniture rearranging? Texas man and a van movers offers great flexibility on in-house moves – same day, short notice service and even late night when our teams are available. Hire movers to move your furniture in the house. We are bonded, licensed and insured in-house movers. We will arrange your furniture following your exact directions. Our in-house moving helpers are patient and will make furniture rearrangement as you want it. Whether it is business or home re-decorating, with xpress movers’s professional touch, we can help you bring the desired joy and relaxation leisure. No matter if you request in-house moving in chicago or boston , we are nationwide, do not hesitate to contact us and do the rearrangement for you. TwoMen And A Truck’s local move pricing There’s no set pricing across the entire company, so what you pay is going to depend on your local two men and a truck franchise. Most franchises charge an hourly rate, which means it’s up to you to spend as few hours as possible with the movers. We are two guys, two trucks moving, a small locally owned and operated professional moving company located in Houston Texas. We have been in business since 2003. A small core of well trained, experienced, and responsible movers will provide fast, safe, and reliable service. We offer reasonable rates for top quality service and pay our movers a living wage. Our movers know what they are doing and do it right. Our equipment includes moving blankets/pads, handtrucks, four wheel dollies, stretch. Reliable? fast and efficient? organized? full service? high staff standards? fair pricing? clean trucks? flexible scheduling? Texas man and a van moving and storage proudly fulfills all of these, and our local movers do it all for the sake of providing you with a higher grade of service than you can find anywhere else. We want to leave you knowing that you received our absolute best effort on your move. For now, we’re adding local moving resources to our website all the time, so feel free to browse our latest content, and if you have any questions or concerns, we’re only a phone call away. Call us at 737-202-9538 Texas furniture moving is proud to announce, we have been awarded the super service award from angie’s list. We have some of the best movers around and accomplishments like this prove it! thank you to our movers, our staff and most of all – our customers!!! full service austin movers local and intrastate texas movers we load and unload rental trucks we are known locally as the most caring and courteous austin movers…. I hate moving. But if you have to move, jermaine and brandon with Texas home movers make it as painless as possible. I usually rent a truck, hire a couple of college students, and supplement them with family and friends. With the pandemic and wanting to practice as much social distancing as possible, i knew i would just need to hire movers and be done with it. I've had my fair share of nightmares when it comes to movers but after looking at all the yelp reviews and getting pricing, i chose Texas man and a van home movers. Jermaine and brandon called 30-minutes out to let me know they were on their way. They were professional and took great care of my furniture by wrapping everything with pads and shrink wrap. I have one very large dresser/cabinet from room & board that is solid cherry wood and a steel base that everyone hates to move because it's so heavy. The place i was moving into you can't use a dolly because of the narrow winding path leading to the front door and the guys were able to navigate it like it was nothing (though if they're like my family & friends, probably cursing under their breath). Because it was a local move i had moved contents myself so only needed movers for my furniture. There was a 2-hour minimum (weekday) and jermaine and brandon finished in exactly 2-hours with maybe even a minute to spare. If you want to keep headaches to a minimum with your next move, definitely go with Texas home movers and ask for jermaine and brandon!. How much does 2 men and one truck cost? every moving company provides different pricing for the possibility to hire from them two guys and a truck. What does it cost: on an average you can expect to be asked to pay between around $80 – $100/ hour. If you wish to hire three men with a truck the price can go up with $15 – $20 and this is cost for an hour. These rates differ not only due to the company, but also because of the time you choose to move. The cost will be higher on weekends, at the beginning/ end of the month and in summer. This is a time when the majority of people relocate and thus the price is higher. Travel time is also included in theTexas two men and a moving truck cost – usually you will be charged an hour extra due for the time to go to your home. How many people should you need for your move? ask the moving company: once you get a quote they will advise you depending on the amount of things you have for moving. Remember that the 2 men and one truck cost per hour is valid only for local moves. On large distances cross country you will pay a sum based on the volume, weight and amount of your items for relocation. Texas Furnitue Movers 3 men movers offers residential moving, office relocations, apartment moving, packing services and portable storage options. The company also provides furniture assembly and access to supersized trucks for larger homes. It performs local and long-distance moves. Other services include heavy item relocation for pianos and safes. 3 men movers offers free quotes. Service areas: greater austin and central Texas area. Professional local furniture moving company and commercial office movers to move furniture in Lubbock Tx including most of west Texas. Our furniture movers provide same day moving service and next day moving service available. Our residential and commercial interstate movers assist you every step of the way with your furniture relocation needs within the district of columbia metro. Our movers are trained not only to relocate the furniture within your office space or residential home; but to also load and unload moving truck, storage unit or pod with precision. Our clients are typically homeowners, apartment renters,interior designers, new home builders, realtors, apartment communities, business offices, hotel, restaurants, bar, small businesses, churches, corporate, child care, day care, us army soldiers, us navy soldiers, property management companies, real estate agent, interior design firms, construction companies, us air force soldiers, college students, universities, non profit organization, public school, high schools, middle schools, retail stores and more. If you or your business are looking to have a stress-free and efficient move to or from the Sugarland area, Texas man and van is the moving team you need. Whether you’re moving from an apartment, a condo, a home, an industrial park, or a commercial plaza, we’re ready to lend a hand with packing and hauling your goods. We specialize in multiple services, including helping clients move residences both locally and long-distance; helping commercial businesses move without interrupting their operations; being the muscle behind your rearrangement and redecoration with our internal moving service; offering professional and efficient assistance needed with government moving; packing up your items carefully with our packing services; and keeping your items secure with our storage options. With Texas Man And Van, you can get quotes quickly. When you require a professional Man and Van removal company for moving and removals in Texas, we at Texas Man and Van Movers can always meet your needs. Regardless of what you require from The Texas Man and Van Network of Independent Movers and Light haulage providers, you can be certain you’re obtaining the best solution at an affordable cost; we are always mindfully trying to find new and innovative ways of saving money for our customers. To find out more details, get in contact with our team on 737 202 9538 texasmanandvan.s3-website.us-west-1.amazonaws.com/movers/Texas-Man-And-Van-in-Jourdanton.html