#the answer? more like the question | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

not-everything-is-so-primitive · 2 years ago

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aaaaand the answer is back to torment my every waking moment, but i wouldn't have it any other way. san being a sneaky little guy was honestly not on my bingo for this series, but we love our gaslight gatekeep girlbosses in this household. i feel like this chapter really brought up more questions than answers (hehe get it?) but I'm not mad about it. love it as always, and will try to not obsess about this fic for at least 1 hour a day to start.

THE ANSWER: XXV

Kim Hongjoong doesn’t like the word ‘cult.’ He prefers ‘sect.’ pairing: ateez x fem reader genre: cult au, thriller, angst check warnings on AO3

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You had half expected for the entire farm to be torn apart by the time you woke up, but your morning proceeds exactly as it has for however long its been since you got here. Of course, you’re also extremely on edge the entire time, you can’t swallow a single bite of your breakfast (no matter how many times San offers you a bite of his), you convince yourself that Hongjoong is staring at you harder than normal, and the lights seem too bright and the people too loud.

You just… keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. Surely they’ve realized that Haseul is gone by now, so why is no one acting like it? Realistically, its probably to keep people from panicking. If they sounded the alarms and started a manhunt, that wouldn’t look too good, especially when the cops show up.

There has never been a time in your life where you've been excited at the prospect of cops. Until you found yourself in this goddamned situation. Nothing could possibly be more satisfying to you than watching Hongjoong and Seonghwa get arrested, nothing better than testifying against them in a trial and watching them get put away for the rest of their earthly lives.

There is the chance that San would be arrested too, though. Which would… be completely justified, but suck all the same. San has definitely been an accessory to murder, and at least willfully has covered up various murders and kidnappings… which is not cool.

But how can you not look past those things when he’s pouting at you for not eating a single thing at breakfast? It’s not his fault that he’s here, right? That he was brainwashed and coerced into his role? You can’t blame him for acting for his survival.

“You can’t just stop eating because you’re worried,” he nudges you once you’re back in your apartment. “You’ll wither away in this place.”

You brush off his comment, knowing that this new state of yours won’t last for very long, “It’s just one breakfast.”

San blinks at you, crossing his arms over his chest, “And what do they say about breakfast? Hm? The most important meal of the day?”

You roll your eyes, flopping down onto the couch. “What time is it?”

He flicks his wrist up, looking down at his watch, “eight forty-seven.”

Ugh. Not nearly close to time for book club. You have to wonder whether or not the cops will arrive before or after you’re forced to have one last chat with Hongjoong.

… Not that ‘forced’ is exactly the right word, here. No, you’re actually looking forward to this last meeting of yours. There are quite a few things that you would like to hear straight from the horse's mouth, rather than the police or the news or the lawyers or anyone else that might become involved. Plus, there are questions that probably could never be answered by anyone else. And you sure as hell don’t plan on visiting Hongjoong in prison.

.・。.・゜✭ ⧖ ・.・ ⧖ ✫・゜・。.

When that time of day finally rolls around, you’re practically flinging yourself out the door, tugging San along with you to make the short walk to Hongjoong’s door.

He barely gets his slippers on, stumbling behind you into the hallway, “Is there a reason you’re so eager today?”

“I have questions that I want answered.” You pull on his hand, poor San so confused that you can sense it in the hesitance of his steps.

When you arrive, you knock on the door, San stopping at your side as you wait for Hongjoong to answer, “But are you sure you feel up to this? We could say that you’re si—”

San’s proposal is cut off by Hongjoong answering the door. “Hello, you two.”

San mutters a hello back, but you’re too caught off guard by his appearance to give a proper greeting. “Why the hell are you dressed like that?”

Hongjoong frowns, looking down at his outfit. “Like what?”

“Like, like,” you look him up and down. He’s wearing all black, but not like the last time you had seen him not looking like a farmer. The day of your Choosing ceremony seems like so long ago, but you can still remember those freaky matching outfits quite well. No, he doesn’t wear any accessories and these clothes are less… industrial. The boots might be the same. Otherwise, the pants he wears now are nicer and his shirt a plain t with a long, black, silky… robe (?) over top. The sign of the answer is on his arm, sewn into the bicep. For a moment, you wonder who it is that does that embroidery; it’s quite nice. “Like a priest?” It’s not an exact comparison, but its the word your mind comes up with.

San nudges your side as Hongjoong rolls his eyes, “You really don’t pay attention during service, do you?”

“Not really.” San nudges you more urgently this time, giving you a bit of a pleading look when you glance over at him.

Hongjoong only sighs, stepping aside and opening the door wider to invite you in. You bid goodbye to San as you step inside, brushing past Hongjoong.

“You seem like you’re in a good mood, today?” Hongjoong shuts the door behind you, following you into his apartment.

“I have a lot I want to talk with you about,” you say, settling onto his couch. It’s true, there is a lot that you want to clear up. Haseul must have made it to town by now, and she must have sent the police already. There are some things that you need to hear from Hongjoong before its all over.

Hongjoong sits in his usual chair, looking at you with a bit of apprehension, “Is that so?”

“Yep,” you rest your elbow on the arm of the couch, leaning into your hand. “You never answered my question.”

“About the clothes?” He shakes his head, “Again, you would know if you paid attention.”

“Maybe I would be better able to focus on service if not for you conjuring up other things for me to worry about.”

Hongjoong frowns, “What are you worried about?”

You drop your chin, looking at him through your eyelashes, “Really?”

He crosses his arms over his chest, rolling his eyes. “I’ll admit that I might’ve lost my temper yesterday, but Haseul is perfectly fine, (Y/n).”

A giggle tries to escape you, but you manage to keep it in. You can’t decide if you’d rather Hongjoong know that you know the truth or not. On one hand, if you cut the bullshit, you might be able to have a better conversation. To get more answers to your questions. But… it could be possible that he has no idea the involvement that you or San played in her disappearance. That seems highly unlikely, but… You’re just not sure if you should risk it.

“You don’t believe me?” He asks, apparently impatient with your lack of response, “Do you want to see her?”

… That throws you for a bit of a loop. Why would he ask if he couldn’t back it up? Obviously he must know that you would say yes, that you would want to see her. So why would he offer something that he can’t provide?

Is it… is it possible that San lied? That he didn’t get her out? That he didn’t even try?

You stare at Hongjoong, trying to see if this is another one of his games. He stares right back at you, not a hint of emotion on his face. Yeah. That’s it.

“Can we cut the bullshit?” You ask, lowering your voice.

The corners of his lips twitch upward, only a little, “I don’t know what you mean, (Y/n). Do you want to see her or not?”

“We both know that Haseul isn’t here,” you blink, waiting for him to contradict you.

Contradict you, he does. “But she is,” he smiles, then, one of his knowing little smiles that already tells you what he’s thinking. He’s about to say something to hurt you. You know it. “It was a cute attempt, (Y/n), I must admit. Getting San to help you and all. I didn’t know he was so…” Hongjoong bites his lip, looking for the right word, “Enamored with you.”

You try your hardest to not betray the complete and utter sinking desperation you feel.

“That’ll be dealt with in its own time. Haseul is safe and sound in her room, with Mingi for company.” He smiles again, “You didn’t really think it would be so easy, did you?”

You want to scream. Why can’t anything work? Why can’t anything go your way? “I want to see her,” you whisper, attempting to keep your voice steady.

Hongjoong hums, “I think not, actually. Consider it your punishment for trying to get her out. I’ll let you off easy, since I knew that you would try something. Next time, I won’t be as gracious.”

There’s a million questions bouncing through your head now, having lost your advantage. You had been so confident coming into this apartment, so sure that things were going your way. Why didn’t you even… consider that she could’ve been caught? How foolish can you be?

You can practically feel the spark that you had fleeting out of you. It happened so fast. In less than two minutes, all of your hopes coming into this conversation were crushed. How can tha—

“But this leads us to another topic, (Y/n).” Hongjoong uncrosses his arms, leaning forward in his chair. “What’s going on with you and San? Hm?”

You take a sharp inhale, again trying to contain any hint of emotion. You would rather Hongjoong didn’t know how off guard he just caught you, and you would also rather that he not know about the… extent of your relationship with San. Which seems to be precisely where this conversation is about to head.

“Well, Hongjoong, we spend about every waking second together, thanks to you. So we’re close.”

Hongjoong frowns sarcastically, tilting his head, “Close enough that he would risk his neck to do you a favor? When he knows that he’s on thin ice with me?” He drops the expression, returning to his stony neutrality. “I’m giving you a chance to be honest, (Y/n). Maybe I’ll be nicer if I hear it from you instead of him.”

You blink at him, unsure of what to say. You honestly hadn’t really even… thought about how you would classify your relationship with him. Obviously you care about him, and he cares about you. And you get each other off occasionally, but, like… its not like he’s your boyfriend or something. You don’t feel like you should tell Hongjoong the truth… but you don’t want to make things worse for San, either.

“What, precisely, are you asking me, Hongjoong?” You probably sound more defensive than you should let on, but you can’t help it.

“Have you slept together?”

“No.”

Hongjoong shrugs, “Be that way, (Y/n), but what I can’t take out on you, I will take out on him.”

You open and close your mouth a few times, trying to think of a response, “But— Hongjoong, that’s the truth.”

He holds a hand up, shushing your stuttering attempts at defending yourself, “You’re really only going to make things worse for him if you keep talking. Which I’m sure would just break your little heart, hm?”

“Hongjoong, I’m being honest, I swear to Go—”

“Swear to God?” He smiles, “I thought you didn’t believe in me?”

If you weren’t so preoccupied with trying to prove San’s innocence, you would roll your eyes. Hongjoong and his fucking ego.

He cuts you off when you start to plead your case again, “I don’t believe you, do you know why?” His eyes are wide with curiosity as he blinks at you, a knowing smile on his face.

You don’t know why he’s so sure, but you don’t really want to know, either. Anyways, it is the God honest truth that you and San haven’t had sex, so you have no idea what he even thinks he knows. Unless he’s some sort of… Mormon or something, last time you checked, oral is generally not referred to as ‘sleeping together.’ Like, Christ, can you have no peace here?

You don’t respond, so Hongjoong continues, “Remember your next door neighbor, Seonghwa?”

Your face actually goes slack this time, a frown curling over your lips. “Seriously? Seonghwa is your source?”

“He’s rather trustworthy, in my experience.”

“Seonghwa. The man that hates me so much he wants me. You don’t see how he could, I don’t know, lie to get San in trouble to, I don’t know, get him out of his way?”

Hongjoong laughs, then, the sound echoing around his apartment. “No, I don’t see him doing that,” he says once he regains his breath, though it takes a few seconds. “He’s not so petty.”

You do scoff, then. Seonghwa has to be one of the pettiest people that you’ve ever met in your life. Like, seriously, no fucking way does Hongjoong believe him to not be petty.

That being said… you do find it a little hard to believe that Seonghwa would lie about this. He was the one that told you that San is not in the best situation with Hongjoong, and he seemed… sympathetic is the wrong word, but, like, he warned you about it. Would someone that was going to set you up give you such a head’s up? Plus, he did remind you of the fact that you were neighbors, which, like… yeah, okay. He could’ve heard something, but something doesn’t mean sex. People must masturbate here. What else is there to do? Could it not have been so simple in his mind’s eye?

No, you don’t think that Seonghwa would jump to the fantastical conclusion that you’re sleeping with San. Nor do you think that he would be so jealous as to risk putting Hongjoong’s ire on San. While he doesn’t seem to be the biggest fan of the guy, you didn’t get the vibe that he wants him dead or anything. So… yeah. The pieces aren’t adding up.

Might as well lean into it a bit, if there’s no convincing Hongjoong otherwise. “What would happen if I told you that San and I were together?”

Hongjoong’s smile goes tense, as if he wasn’t expecting you to ask such a thing. For the first time, the thought that he could be bluffing crosses your mind… maybe a moment too late. Hongjoong pauses, looking between you and the books on his coffee table.

��I,” He stops, tilting his head to the side as he keeps his eyes off of you, “honestly hadn’t truly considered it a possibility. Surely he cares for you, that’s to be expected, but…”

So he was just trying to taunt you, then. Part of you feels like you’ve triumphed by managing to take him off guard with something, but that something is… not something that he should actually think is true.

“Well, like I’ve been saying, Hongjoong, nothing has happened between us.”

He looks back up at you and you’re shocked to see his eyes shining wet in the light, “No?”

Your heart speeds up at the sight, reminded of the previous times that you’ve seen Hongjoong vulnerable. You don’t trust your voice to not shake, so you simply shake your head in agreement.

“You know that I don’t want to hurt San, right?” He asks, frowning, “But there has to be punishments for breaking the rules. I’m only trying to keep peace.”

You have no idea how Hongjoong feels about San. All you know is that this is making you extremely uncomfortable. Seeing Hongjoong cry is just, just so, ugh! You can’t control the way your heart squeezes in your chest, nor the guilt that broils in your stomach for being the cause of his distress. But… this is Hongjoong! He doesn’t deserve your empathy, but…

“I know, Hongjoong,” you whisper, moreso trying to get him to stop rather than actually express the sentiment.

He wipes his eyes, then, clearing his throat, “I suppose I can trust you, for now.” His gaze gets harder with each passing millisecond. “But I’m sure you can guess what will happen if I find out that you’re lying to me.”

You can definitely put the pieces together yourself. So you nod your head in agreement, hoping that he believes you in this case.

Hongjoong clears his throat again, fanning his face a couple times, “Was there anything else, then?”

“Oh, uhm,” in truth, there was a lot more that you wanted to ask him about. He never answered your question about his clothes, you want to know more about this girl that came before you, and more about what the fuck The Answer says about you. But it feels strange to ask about any of that, after… yeah. Whatever that just was.

… But you don’t actually care that much. So you decide to jump into the topic that he’ll probably like discussing with you the most.

“I had some questions about the Answer, actually…”

Hongjoong raises his eyebrows, a smile growing across his face, “Have you finally read ahead?”

Well… yes and no, but you’re not going to tell him that Wooyoung told you the gist of it, “Maybe a little bit.”

He claps once, genuine glee showing through his expression. He even giggles, and not in the creepy way that he sometimes does. “This is wonderful, (Y/n)!”

You give him an awkward smile, waiting for him to stop acting like a kid in a candy store.

“So? You have questions?” He leads, “I might have answers.”

Might. Isn’t that just the greatest word in existence. He definitely has all of the answers, considering all of this shit came from his own head; but he can pick and choose what he wants to withhold from you at any time. Because that’s Hongjoong. Always leaving an escape for himself.

“Well, I’m just curious about a few things…” You start, trying to figure out how to word your questions so that they’re as… inconspicuous as possible. “First, do you know how I’m supposed to… uhm, ‘bring about the Sign?’”

Hongjoong’s smile somehow grows even wider when you finish your question, “I’m proud of you, (Y/n). This is a huge step in your journey.”

You don’t like that. Nope. Not the way he just said ‘journey.’

But Hongjoong tilts his head to the side, letting his smile go, “But I’m not sure I can answer your question. I’ve yet to have the concrete vision.” He shrugs, “I honestly think that the vision will come to you rather than me.”

Oh Jesus Christ. Hongjoong has said some crazy bullshit to you before, but that is an entire new level. If he genuinely thinks that you’re going to believe that you are going to start having prophetic dreams because you’re supposedly some major figure in this goddamned cult lore, he has an entirely new thing coming for him.

But you doubt that he thinks you’ll believe him. You haven’t before, why would you now?

Your skepticism must show on your face, because Hongjoong continues. “It’s nothing to be afraid of. We’re linked, somehow, in the grand scheme of things, (Y/n). It’s you that was foretold.”

You blink, trying to not start screaming. Before you can really think too hard about it, you’re asking your next question.

“But how do you know that it’s me, Hongjoong? There was a girl before me, wasn’t there?”

The silence that follows is nearly as scary as Hongjoong’s reaction to your question.

His smile drops faster than you’ve ever seen.

“San told you this?” Hongjoong asks, his tone hard.

“Who told me isn’t important, I just want to talk about he—”

“It really is. Like I said, we have rules for a reason,” he tilts his head, folding his hands in his lap. “If you don’t tell me who it was, I will assume that it was San and he’ll be punished severely.”

Well fuck. There’s not really a way to say that it was someone else without incriminating (a) San, for leaving you with someone else, (b) yourself, and (c) Wooyoung. But you can’t very well say that it was San, given the earlier subject matter.

But you really don’t want to throw Wooyoung under the bus, either, considering all that he just confided in you. He’s been long tortured by this man already, and he already part-way resents you for it. If you told him…

There’s really only one other option.

“Seonghwa told me.” The words come out before you can really think about them. Seonghwa should be a good choice. He might hate your guts, but at least he has something of a soft (hard?) spot for you. If he gets in trouble, it should be okay. And, anyways, its not like Hongjoong would do anything to really punish Seonghwa, right? Surely not with whatever arrangement they have going on. Plus, fuck that guy for apparently ratting you out to Hongjoong. He lied to Hongjoong about you, you’ll lie to Hongjoong about him. Easy.

Hongjoong raises his eyebrows. “Seonghwa,” he doesn’t ask, simply restating his name. “Seonghwa told you.”

You shrug, “Is it so hard to believe?”

His face crinkles with confusion, “Yes, it is. See, Seonghwa is probably the last person I would expect you to hear that from, considering his loyalty to me and the disgust he felt over that entire situation.” He ponders for a second, “No, Seonghwa would be the second to last person; but the point still stands.”

‘Considering his loyalty’ to Hongjoong and his ‘disgust’ over that entire situation… Interesting details. Obviously, you know that Seonghwa is loyal to Hongjoong and wouldn’t ordinarily give you information that Hongjoong clearly doesn’t want you to know about. But his disgust? What does that mean?

Anyhow, you figure that, if you’re already throwing Seonghwa under the bus, it couldn’t hurt to make it just a little bit worse, right?

“I thought you would know the kind of pillow talk Seonghwa engages in.”

Hongjoong takes the longest blink you’ve ever seen, his eyes going wide as he stares at you. “Excuse me?”

You shrug your shoulders, trying your best to keep this facade up. Seonghwa is going to be so fucking pissed. And so is Hongjoong. But this has to be better than Wooyoung or San getting punished, right? You can deal with some anger. They’d probably fare much worse.

“I’m sorry, just, can you repeat yourself? It sounds like you’re telling me that you and Seonghwa…” he trails off, flapping his hands in front of himself as if he can’t even bring himself to speak the words. “I thought I made myself quite clear about my feelings on this matter.”

For once, you wish that you could just appreciate a moment where you’re able to be the one throwing Hongjoong off of his guard. But, no, you have to keep spinning your bullshit, because, of course, only a lie can leave him so astounded.

“That’s really not what’s important here, Hongjoong, pleas—”

“Should I get Seonghwa? Do we need to have this conversation right now?”

He goes to stand and you’re immediately holding your hands out to him, ushering him to sit back down, “no, no, no. Hongjoong, this is not what is important right now.”

He looks at you like you’re insane, “Yes it is. You don’t need to know anything about Haneul.”

Haneul.

What a coincidence, no?

“Hongjoong, please, just, can we talk abou—”

He tries to stand again, but you do the unthinkable. You touch him first, grabbing onto his arm to pull him back to his chair. “There’s nothing to know about her. She was fake, she wasn’t real. You shouldn’t worry yourself about her. She was inconsequential, unworthy of taking up any space in your pretty little head.”

The way he speaks about her makes your stomach roll over. What in the fuck? She’s dead, and he’s talking about her like this? You shouldn’t be surprised, but it still makes you sick.

“But, Hongjoong, don’t you think it would help me understand my purpose, if you can explain why she couldn’t?”

The panicked look on his face evaporates as if he’s suddenly remembered something important. He looks into your eyes, a small smile starting to tug across his face, “you really want to know?”

The way he asks almost makes you want to take it back, to disagree with him. You just know that whatever it is that he just thought of is something that he’s going to use to scare you with, and the prospect isn’t too thrilling. But… any information is good information, right?

“I do, Hongjoong.”

He looks down at his hands, then, squeezing them together in his lap. You still have your hand on his arm, despite the level of uncomfort you’re experiencing, hoping that your touch is grounding him somehow.

When he looks back up, his smile is wider, his eyes more crazed, “there were a few reasons that Haneul couldn’t be the bearer. The first reason being her relationship with Jongho.”

What? Jongho? Is this why he has it out for you? Because Hongjoong replaced his girlfriend with you? Like, shit, he has every right to be pissed, but to be pissed with you is a bit… misplaced.

“The second reason being her attitude. As you read, the bearer of the Answer is to be hesitant and abrasive. She should deny her role before fully becoming it. Little Haneul was obedient from the moment she arrived.”

… You can’t fact check that one just yet, but yeah, sure, whatever. Hongjoong’s fucking insane. Any reason of his that comes from The Answer is not a legitimate reason for anything.

“And then, of course, I decided that I liked you more.”

You can’t stand it anymore. You let go of him, putting more distance between your bodies than you even do normally. Literally, genuinely, absolutely, what the fuck is wrong with this guy? What the fuck does he mean? How could he have possibly killed someone for you before even knowing you?

So you blink at him and ask, “how the fuck did you decide that before meeting me?”

“I don’t know why you keep insisting that we never met before you came here, (Y/n). Am I so memorable that you think you would remember even a fleeting interaction?”

“Yes.”

“I’m honored,” Hongjoong flashes a teasing smile, though there’s an impatience growing in his tone, “But I’ve known you far longer than you realize.”

The way he says this sends an actual chill down your spine, making you feel more vulnerable than just moments prior. “Can you at least tell me where we supposedly met? Or how long you’ve known me?”

“Are you sure it won’t scare you?” Hongjoong smirks, “I think it would. All you need to know, (Y/n), is that I am positive that you are the one. Beyond a shadow of a doubt, it is you.”

.・。.・゜✭ ⧖ ・.・ ⧖ ✫・゜・。.

After that, Hongjoong had decided enough was enough and made you start your lesson. In your opinion, that whole conversation about The Answer should’ve been enough to cover your lesson, but that’s just not how your life goes.

But, for being such a good listener today, Hongjoong had given you a reward. The privilege of walking back to your apartment, unaccompanied. How lovely.

Of course, it would’ve been smartest to just go back to your apartment. You, in fact, definitely should’ve just done that.

But you have more questions. And, really, how likely is it that he’s going to find out that you made a little detour? He didn’t say go straight back or anything.

So you find yourself outside, approaching the big barns. It’s strange to be alone. But not in a bad way. You peer down the road as you pass it, staring down its infinite stretch of gravel and corn. Surely the harvest is coming. Surely.

You hadn’t brought a coat with you, but, thankfully, its rather nice outside. A bit chilly, in your long sleeve, but not unbearable. If anything, the chill makes you feel more grounded.

Maybe it’s a bad idea to try and talk to Jongho. No, scratch that, it’s definitely a bad idea to try and talk to Jongho. You’re full of them today. But, if there’s even the slightest chance that he can give you more information… you’re going to take it.

You’re finding that you have almost an insatiable curiosity growing within you with each passing day. Maybe it’s a coping mechanism. Maybe you’re losing it. Whatever it is, you simply have to know. Everything.

Plus, you’re a bit incensed that your plan to help Haseul escape failed so completely and utterly. You had been in such a good mood this morning, despite the tension you had been feeling. Now, you’re just angry. You hadn’t even been this angry when you, yourself, had failed to escape. This failure feels like a reflection of your efforts, and that pisses you off. Had you made a mistake, asking for San’s help? Is it possible that he… sabotaged the escape so as to save his own ass? Could you really blame him if he did? It was unfair, asking him what you did. But it was your only option at the time, and you know that.

Either way, you’re just upset that you failed. Haseul is still here, locked up in a room somewhere and you’re not even allowed to see her. She’s probably scared out of her mind, confused and angry. She must have been lured here using you, right? Someone used your phone to get her here. San claims that it wasn’t him… but who else would it have been? Any of the elites probably could have, but… who? Not Wooyoung, not after what he told you. Seonghwa? Maybe, but could he mimic you well enough to convince Haseul? That’s really the question, you realize. Who knows you well enough that they could’ve gotten your best friend to believe they were you?

There’s really only one option, and he had insisted that it wasn’t him.

God, this is pissing you off even more. You don’t want to believe that it was San. Like he’s said, you don’t want to think that he would willingly hurt you, especially not now, with how close you are. It would be… very unsettling, to say the least.

But, still, how had the escape failed? Who tipped Hongjoong off? Who was it that caught up to her? Had she ever even left in the first place? Was she hurt in the capture? Hongjoong had said that she was safe and sound… but, knowing that guy, that could mean any number of things.

It really makes you wonder. Who was in on it? Was it just a random follower that saw her and reported it? Was it an elaborate plan that ended just how Hongjoong wanted it to? Clearly, Hongjoong must have been expecting you to try something. Maybe you had played right into his plan, maybe it was a setup from the get go.

If it was, though, why the hell hadn’t you considered it? It pisses you off, truly, the hindsight. You were stupid, trying something so fast. It was stupid to involve San, and stupid to think that you would actually be able to pull off an escape. Fuck.

You emerge from your thoughts as you approach the barn, sticking your head in through the open door. “Jongho?” You call out, wondering if he would even respond to you if he heard you. You’d wager not, but you step further inside, anyhow.

Peering around the corner, you’re not surprised to see him heaving… something into the pig troughs. Looks like food scraps, kind of. He turns at the sound of your voice, a rather disrespectful look of disgust landing on his face once he realizes that it’s you he’s talking to.

“What.” It’s not a question, rather a statement. He doesn’t stop his work, grabbing another bucket to tip into the feeder. “Where’s your babysitter?”

Ignoring the actual question, you walk deeper inside, stopping when you’re a few feet from Jongho. The pigs squeak happily as he dumps the new bucket, nudging each other aside in an attempt to be the first to eat. You take a closer look at the trough, the slop making your stomach roll despite how pleased the pigs seem.

Pulling your eyes away from the scene, you start, “Can we talk?”

Jongho turns away from you, and for a second you’re sure that he’s going to up and leave. But, no, he simply grabs the last bucket that had been in the row, tipping it into a different trough in the pen. “About what?”

“Uhm,” is there a delicate enough way to put this? Are you supposed to be like, hey, sorry about your dead girlfriend? You probably should’ve put a little more thought into this before immediately storming off to talk to him, but, ugh! This is Hongjoong’s fault. Everything always is.

Jongho claps his hands together, dirt flying off of his gloves and into the air. He tugs them off, deliberately pulling at each finger before taking them all the way off, shoving them into a back pocket of his dirtied cargo pants. He sighs, folding his arms over his chest, “You’re wasting my time.”

Swallowing, you squeeze your hands in front of you, trying to keep yourself steady, “About, uhm, ah,” you clear your throat, but her name still comes out rather meekly, “Haneul?”

He blinks. Once. Twice. And then he’s on you.

He’s able to close the distance you had left between you in seconds, his hands clamping onto your upper arms so hard that you yelp. He doesn’t seem to notice, shaking you as more emotion crosses his face in these few seconds than you’ve seen him display the entire time you’ve known him.

“Listen very carefully, (Y/n),” he tugs you closer, his hands squeezing tighter, “I’m only going to say this once. If I ever hear her name leave your lips again, I’ll kill you. It’ll be so fast that you won’t even realize you’re dead until you’re squalling as you emerge into your next life. Do you understand?” Jongho’s voice rattles with so much emotion that you have no choice but to believe his threat, nodding your head quickly in response.

His grip loosens, but he doesn’t fully let you go, “Whatever you wanted to say, keep it to yourself. Don’t think about her, don’t ask other people about her, go back to pretending as if she never existed.”

“I was just going to—”

“To? To what?”

“To apologize.” You glare up at him, cutting him off before he can start bitching again, “For what happened. Hongjoong is insane. And I’m sorry that someone you cared about was hurt because of him.”

Jongho scoffs, staring down at you like you just said the most loathsome sentence he’s ever heard (really, he’s just thinking about last night) (how badly he wants to tell you your friend is dead, her body rotting two feet away from where you stand) (how she cried out for you, screamed your name when he grabbed her, capturing her last breath) (how, in his eyes, you deserve a worse punishment than that).

“I don’t want your pity,” he whispers, his voice still hard, “Get out of here before I tell Hongjoong you’re running around by yourself.”

He pushes you away from him, sending you stumbling backwards. Your arms pulsate where he had been squeezing you, your arteries working to compensate for the restriction they had been under.

So much for mending that relationship. Or getting any answers. You probably should’ve anticipated the hostility, but… you are a bit of an optimist. Most of the time.

You spare one more glance toward the pigs, watching as they continue to devour the scraps. The noises they make alone are enough to make your stomach churn once more, this time with nausea rather than anger or guilt.

Jongho waits for you to get back to the doors before taking his eyes off of you, needing to know that you’re out of his space before he can relax again.

Only, right as you step out of the threshold of the barn, you run into a tall frame that you really had not been expecting.

You look up, already knowing that it will be Mingi’s face staring down at you.

He doesn’t give you the chance to slip away, latching a hand onto your wrist to pull you back into the barn you had just left. You’re once again stumbling as he leads you back inside, immediately turning a corner into a more secluded part of the barn.

“What is happening between you and San?”

Oh. So that’s where this is going. For a second there, you had the tiniest scrap of hope that you would be able to have a genuine conversation with him. That, maybe, he would want to apologize to you for, you don’t know, ignoring you for weeks after basically blaming you for not being a mind reader.

You might be less annoyed if you hadn’t just had this exact conversation with Hongjoong. But to be reminded of the topic so soon has your blood running hot, anger flaring in your chest once more. To defend yourself from Hongjoong is one thing, but Mingi.

You’ll never get used to it.

“Really? That’s the first thing you have to say to me after, what, weeks of not speaking?” You scoff, trying to tug your wrist out of his hold to no avail.

Mingi rolls his eyes. “Just answer the question.”

“What’s going on between you and Hongjoong?” You ask, looking up at him and hoping you don’t look as small as you feel. “I thought you were scared of him, and now what? You’re doing his dirty work? Detaining our friend?”

“Haseul is gone. I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Mingi blinks, his jaw set hard. “Hongjoong is my leader, my guide. He’s my friend, (Y/n). What are you and San? Friends?” He spits this final word, leaning down toward your face.

Had you not been so angry, you might’ve caught the first part. But you want to actually spit on him. How could he think that this is an okay way to talk to you? “I’m not answering that question, Mingi. You don’t get to, to question my relationships with people!”

Mingi smiles a horrible smile. One that you have never seen. It’s almost a sneer. “You were my friend before his, you remember?”

You yank on your hand again, finally succeeding in getting it free of his grasp. “What the fuck is wrong with you?” You stumble backwards, tripping over some loose hay on the floor. “Mingi, please, this isn’t—”

“There’s nothing wrong with me.” Mingi steps toward you. “If anything, there’s something wrong with you, (Y/n).”

You shake your head, continuing to back away from him. You’ve never seen Mingi like this. You’ve never known him to act like this. This simply isn’t him. It doesn’t make any sense, you have no idea where this is coming from or why he decided now was the time to reignite the feud between you two.

“You used to tell me all of your guy problems, remember?” He pouts, reaching a hand out to you. “It can be like old times, (Y/n). Just tell me the truth.” His voice has gone noticeably softer, his tone less serious. You don’t know if he’s manipulating you or not.

Your back finally hits a wall, the uninsulated metal of the barn freezing cold on your skin. It seeps through your shirt, chilling you to the bone. “Mingi, please listen to me,” you put a hand out, trying to get him to stop advancing on you. “You’re scaring me. You are scaring the shit out of me. Back off, now.”

Mingi chuckles, stopping in place. He holds his hands up in front of himself, showing off his stop. “I’m sorry, sorry,” he huffs, crossing his arms over his chest. “But… Do you think I would hurt you? Really?”

You want the answer to be no. Desperately. This is fucking Mingi that you’re talking about. You don’t get a chance to respond.

“Whatever,” he rolls his eyes, “you clearly don’t give a shit about us anymore, anyways. Otherwise, you’d just fucking tell me the truth.”

You stay pressed flat against the wall behind you, shaking your head at him. How did this happen? How could this happen? Your best friend, the person you came here for, is accusing you of not caring about him, not caring about your relationship. How blind could he be?

It’s not Mingi talking, you know that. It’s fucking Hongjoong. Hongjoong feeding him bullshit in an attempt to get him to turn on you. And, lucky for him, its working. Perfectly. Your words can’t stand on their own against Hongjoong’s anymore. And he knows that.

“Do you really want to know, Mingi?” Your voice cracks when you say his name, tears springing into your eyes, “What would it accomplish? Please, tell me why you want to know, and I’ll tell you the truth.”

He hesitates at that, looking up toward the ceiling of the barn.

“Exactly. You don’t want to know,” you shake your head at him, watching as he kicks at some loose hay by his feet. “Can’t you see what’s happening here?”

Mingi looks back down, frowning.

“He’s doing this on purpose, Mingi. Hongjoong wants us to hate each other. He wants to take away any semblance of support that we have. He’s trying to tear us apart, and you’re letting him!”

He squints as if he’s confused, looking down at his feet, then. He kicks around some loose hay, not responding. You take the moment to gather yourself, trying to calm your heart. Mingi has never acted so hostile toward you before, you can hardly even believe that this is the same man.

“I just,” he starts, not looking toward you, “I don’t see why he would do that.”

You close your eyes, trying to not scream. Has Mingi always been so naive?

No, he hasn’t. This is Hongjoong at work. Gaslighting him into questioning every action taken toward him. Making him confused and hurting him and turning him against you. It honestly makes you want to scream in frustration, the mind games that Hongjoong plays with people.

How could he do this? To innocent people? Play with their minds, turn them into dependent mush? It’s clear that Hongjoong is a monster, a psychopath, someone that gets off on the way that he can manipulate and control people. But seeing it so clearly… in someone you once considered your best friend…

It makes you hate him more, a thousand times so. You would kill him if you could.

If— no, when— you get Mingi out of here, will he ever be the same? Will he ever go back to being the Mingi that you once knew? Or will Hongjoong be with him for the rest of his life, manipulating and twisting his thoughts into everything that they’re not?

Could any amount of therapy turn back time? Any amount of counseling? Medication?

The sinking feeling in your chest tells you that, no, things will never be the same.

For the rest of his life, Mingi will have a piece of Hongjoong embedded into his personality. And you’ll have to live with that fact.

When you get out of here, when Hongjoong is in prison or dead or whatever, when he’s out of your life… he won’t be.

Is that fair? Abusers stick with their victims for their entire lives, but the opposite is rarely ever true. Would Hongjoong spare Mingi a second thought in thirty years, when he’s rotting in a jail cell? You doubt it. But Mingi… there won’t be a day of his life where he doesn’t think about what happened here. About what he suffered.

“Did I,” he looks up at you after the prolonged silence, “did I really scare you?”

You blink at him, not wanting to tell him the truth.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, (Y/n).” His voice cracks when he says your name, turning away from you. “Everything is my fault. All of it. You’re here, and now Haseul, and, and,” with each word, his voice gets heavier with emotion. You don’t have to see his face to know that he’s crying. “It’s my fault. I’m sorry. For bringing you here, for yelling, for being mad, for scaring you, for everything.”

You push yourself off of the wall, taking a couple steps to reach out to him. You grab his bicep, gently pulling him to face you. You’re not very successful, only managing to turn him a few centimeters. He still doesn’t look at you.

“You know that I don’t blame you for any of this, Mingi,” the complete opposite is true, in fact. “None of it is your fault.”

“But it—” Mingi freezes in the middle of his sentence, and you have to peer around him to figure out why.

San clears his throat when you meet his gaze, awkwardly averting his eyes to the ground.

Mingi turns back toward you, then, aggressively wiping his cheeks with his palm, as if ashamed for San to see him so.

“(Y/n), I’ve,” San looks up, biting his lip, “been looking for you everywhere.”

You don’t know what to say, so you don’t say anything. You probably shouldn’t have run off without permission, but you had to take the chance. Still, there is a bit of guilt swimming in you for apparently making San worry. You hadn’t considered…

Mingi’s tears have dried up by the time he turns back toward the other man, “Leave.”

Your eyes widen with this command, squeezing Mingi’s arm a bit in response. He can’t just… tell San to leave, can he?

San looks as taken aback as you feel, confusion evident on his face, “Excuse me?”

“I think you heard me the first time.”

“Mingi, pleas—”

San cuts you off, “No, no, let him speak.” He holds his hand up to silence you, something that you would never have ever expected him to do to you, “Do you have something you need to say to me, Mingi?”

“No, he doesn’t. Right, Mingi?” You answer for him, squeezing his arm again in an attempt to keep him grounded. Whatever the fuck San thinks he’s doing right now, you’re not appreciating it. Especially not when Mingi just about yelled at you because of San. There are definitely some choice words that these two could share, but you don’t want to be privy to them.

Mingi ignores you, a tense smile on his face, “I have a lot of things I could say to you, San. Do you want to start with the way that you’re manipulating (Y/n), or your involvement in what happened yesterday?”

Now, before this moment, you wouldn’t have said that San is a person inclined to violence. But within seconds he’s ripping Mingi out of your grasp via the front of his shirt, tugging him toward him until their chests are almost touching. “I’m doing no such thing,” the words come out in more of a snarl than anything else, “and I have no idea what you mean by ‘my involvement,’ but I’ll go ahead and tell you to shut your mouth about it, anyways.”

“San!” Your hands are back on both of them before he even finishes his sentence, one on each man. “What the fuck is wro—”

Mingi smirks down at San, once again completely ignoring you, even cutting you off. “Is that so? Why is she so quick to defend your relationship? Why is she keeping secrets from me? How could she possibly like you when you’re the one that lured her here?”

San’s eye literally twitches. “I know you’re in love with her, but this is just pathetic. Aren’t you embarrassed? To be the outsider, here? To know that she never fell for you, but for me despite the mistakes that I’ve made? Despite the ways I’ve wronged her? Does that just crush you? So much so that you have to make up blind accusations against me in an attempt to turn her away?”

Mingi shakes his arm out of your grasp in the next second, using both of his hands to shove San away from him. San actually falls, landing on his ass in front of Mingi.

You gasp as Mingi starts yelling, “You don’t know anything about our relationship! Anything that you do know you found out from stalking us! I couldn’t give two shits about her being into you, I care about you hurting her and acting innocent about it!”

San frowns, and you’re surprised to see his lip quivering. He turns his attention to you, “You know that’s not true, (Y/n). You know that I care about you, that I’d never hurt you.”

Mingi scoffs, smiling up toward the ceiling of the barn. “You say that you’re not manipulating her, but what’s this? Some crocodile tears and you think she’ll fawn right over you?” He looks down at you, still standing shocked by his side. “You’re not falling for this, are you?”

You look back and forth between San on the ground and Mingi beside you. In all honesty, you’re pissed at both of them equally. This fucking behavior is just childish; the last thing that you need is two people that you care about making you choose sides.

“(Y/n)?” San’s voice breaks from the floor when you stay quiet.

“I am not taking sides right now,” you whisper, glaring between the two of them. “You’re both being brats. Have either of you considered that I might value both of you? Or that I am an adult who can make her own decisions?”

They stay silent, San finally picking himself up off of the ground.

“You’re both pissing me off equally. I’d appreciate it if you could find it in yourselves to grow up and stop fighting over someone that doesn’t need or want to be fought over.”

They at least have the decency to look a little ashamed of themselves, both of them looking anywhere but at you or each other.

“Mingi,” he turns when you say his name, looking hopeful despite what you just said, “I would be happy to hear your genuine concerns about my wellbeing; however, I don’t want the hostility that you’ve shown me today. When you’re calmer, we can talk.”

Mingi nods his head, “I’m sorry, again.”

You reach out to touch his arm again, providing what you hope is enough comfort. Even though you’re pissed, Mingi was still in the middle of being vulnerable with you. You’re sorry that you weren’t able to finish that conversation with him.

Dropping your hand, you take a couple steps to be closer to San, though you fold your arms over your chest as you tip your head toward the entrance of the barn, “Let’s go.”

You don’t wait for him, opting to just start walking. He catches up quickly enough, though keeping a good two steps behind you.

There is literally nothing that you can think to say to him. Your thoughts run wild with what just happened.

First, Mingi acting like that toward you? What the fuck was that? Did Hongjoong put him up to it, like you suggested he might’ve? Mingi had never treated you like that before, never… scared you like that before. There’s no way that was… all him. You refuse to believe it.

Having him stand up for you… that’s a whole separate thing. Obviously, Mingi has used his size to intimidate freaks that were bothering you before. He’s stood up for you more times than you can count, letting you use him as a defense mechanism for your entire friendship. He had put his hands on people for you before… but those were complete strangers. Seeing him get physical with San is a different story, not something that you would’ve expected from him. Even if he does genuinely believe that San is manipulating you or whatever, you would’ve thought that he would’ve at least stayed civil, considering your relationship.

So it’s a surprise that he responded in turn when San engaged. Which in and of itself was shocking to you.

San is not someone that you would ever peg for physical violence. So seeing him get on Mingi like that… it honestly does freak you out a bit. If San could hide his capacity for that from you, what else could he be capable of without you knowing?

Clearly, he’s an important member of the cult. He’s important to Hongjoong (arguably, considering he apparently wants him dead) and has a rather… disturbing position. San is clearly able to do a lot of things you would consider morally reprehensible with ease… as little as you enjoy that.

But, seriously, physical violence? That’s so different from what you’ve seen from him in the past.

And, thinking back to what was said… what did Mingi mean about San’s involvement yesterday? He can’t blame San for helping you, can he? For helping Haseul? That’s a good thing that San did, even, if, ultimately, it failed. Haseul may still be locked up in a room, but that’s better than her being dead. It’s better than knowing that you did nothing to try and save her. Mingi must see that, too, right? Unless he genuinely thinks that it is a good thing for another one of your friends to be locked up here, which, you suppose, is a possibility.

And, Christ, the way San was speaking to Mingi? You’ve never heard such, such awful things from him. There was malice in everything that he said, like he knew just the right things to say to push Mingi’s buttons. Using his feelings for you was low, and calling him pathetic… God, it’s just so weird to hear your San say things like that. Everyone has a mean side to them, a defensive one, but seeing San’s is just so shocking.

He’s so vulnerable with you, so gentle and so kind. To know that he has the exact opposite persona lurking inside of him as well…

It’s not exactly comforting.

.・。.・゜✭ ⧖ ・.・ ⧖ ✫・゜・。.

When you reach your apartment, you move to head toward the bedroom right away, but San catches you before you can get far, his hand gently grabbing your wrist. “Can I apologize? Or, or explain? Please?”

You pause, letting him keep his hand on you. As petty as you feel, and as much as you’d like to just ignore him until he learns his lesson… that’s not how adults do things. Especially not adults that live together.

Sighing, you turn back towards him, nodding slowly.

He also sighs, though in relief, gently guiding you toward the couch. You both sit down, and San takes his hand away from you rather than keeping a hold.

You wait for him to start, given that he’s the one that wants to explain.

It takes a few minutes, but he finally does. “I shouldn’t have gotten so angry, that’s what this boils down to.”

You blink, waiting for more.

“There isn’t an excuse for, for what I did. I shouldn’t have touched him, but, (Y/n), the way he was speaking to you? Talking about us? Accusing me of terrible, horrible things? I couldn’t just take that. I can forget my own pride, but I couldn’t let him hurt you.”

Yeah, you’re sure that pride has absolutely nothing to do with this.

“Say something, please?” His eyes sparkle, and you can’t believe that he’s about to be the third man to cry in front of you today.

You would, but you honestly have no idea what to say. What is there to say when your cult-sponsored fake-boyfriend gets into a physical fight with your lost best friend who also happens to be in love with you? Like, that’s not really something that happens very often.

“I guess I can understand where you’re coming from,” is what you settle on, crossing your arms over your chest as you lean back into the couch, “but I still think you acted completely inappropriately, San. When someone is accusing you of being a bad person, its pretty bold to go ahead and prove them right while trying to prove them wrong.”

San looks down at his hands, his voice cracking, “you think I’m a bad person?”

Deep breaths, (Y/n). Deep breaths.

“That’s not what I meant, San.”

He starts shaking, and oh, God, you’ve done it now. You do feel bad as he starts whimpering, his hands coming up to shield his face from you.

“But I am, (Y/n), I am a bad person,” he sobs, “Mingi was right, you’re right, you shouldn’t like me. I’m the reason you’re here, and I’m the reason you’re going through all of this, and I did stalk you guys, and last night and, and—”

Your heart does, perhaps, shatter a little bit upon hearing this. You had wanted to stay strong (angry), but how can you do that when San is weeping in front of you like this?

Reaching out to him, you wrap an arm around his shoulders to pull him into you. He rests his face in the crook of your neck, quickly folding his arms around you and squeezing you tight to him.

“San, I’m not angry with you for what you did before you met me, you have to know that.” You curl a hand into his hair, playing with the longer strands at the back of his neck. “And what happened last night— it really isn’t your fault.”

“You really don’t blame me? For any of it?” He whines, and you can envision the pout on his face without needing to see it. "You're too good to me, I don’t deserve your kindness.”

He might have you with that one, honestly. But you're not going to agree with him, not when he's like this. Maybe if you were a little bit more pissed off.

Instead, you try to keep comforting him, "I'm the one that doesn't deserve you, San. The things you've done for me since we've gotten to know each other… I can never thank you enough." He sighs as you continue running your fingers through his hair. "Even if you've done wrong, that doesn't make you a bad person. Everyone makes mistakes; it's what we do in the present that matters."

A few minutes go by in silence, but you don't mind. San calms himself down, though you're sure that you're helping, too. He doesn't move from his spot in your arms, though, keeping his own firmly around you as well.

"I should apologize to Mingi, shouldn't I?"

You chuckle, thinking it over. "Probably. But not when I'm there.”

“Probably not,” he mumbles into your neck, pressing a kiss where his lips happen to land.

.・。.・゜✭ ⧖ ・.・ ⧖ ✫・゜・。.

San is positively delighted that you suggested he apologize to Mingi without you present.

A conversation between the two of them is long overdue, and he doesn’t need you to know everything that he has to say to Mingi.

So, he takes his opportunity during dinner, leaving you with Seonghwa (no matter how wide your eyes get or how betrayed you look) to go off and find Mingi.

He’s still opting to take his meals in his room, which San finds very convenient. It’s possible that Yunho will be there when he arrives, which would make things a little bit more complicated, but he’s still resolved to have this conversation.

San knocks on Mingi’s door, and, when he opens it, his shock is evident on his face, “can I help you?”

San nods, peeking past him into his room, “are you alone? Can I keep you company?”

Mingi blinks down at him, scoffing. “Do you think I’m stupid?”

He shrugs, “a bit.” San shoves past Mingi to get into his room, not even flinching when Mingi slams the door shut behind himself. “Do me a favor and tell (Y/n) I apologized to you.”

Mingi crosses his arms over his chest, “why the hell would I lie for you?”

“I’m sorry.” San smiles, “there, not a lie.”

“San, just tell me why you’re really here so that I can go back to eating my soup in peace.” Mingi points at the still steaming bowl of soup sitting on his desk. Ugh, San is so glad that he doesn’t live in one of these tiny rooms anymore. He’d go crazy.

San clenches his jaw, giving Mingi a once over. He hadn’t planned exactly what he was going to say, which probably would’ve made this a lot easier. But maybe it’ll be more fun like this.

“I just want to make sure that you’re not going to keep trying to give (Y/n) the wrong idea about me.”

Mingi scoffs, “if anything, I’m giving her the right idea about you. You really are a manipulative bastard, you know that, right?”

He shrugs his shoulders in response, “you’re free to think that way. But it’s not the truth. I genuinely care about her, you know.”

Mingi rolls his eyes, a single laugh leaving him, “well I feel the same way. And I’m not going to let you hurt her.”

“Why would I want to hurt her, Mingi? What could I possibly gain from that?”

“I don’t know what game you’re playing, San.” Mingi uncrosses his arms, clenching his fists at his sides, “but I don’t want you dragging her into it.”

San laughs, gesturing around Mingi’s room, “she’s already in it! You made sure of that, might I remind you?”

Mingi looks perplexed, “excuse me? You are the one that brought her here, not me.”

“You don’t feel bad? That she came looking for you?”

“As if Hongjoong wouldn’t have found a way for you to get her, anyways.” Mingi frowns, “I’m not stupid. I know that she was the one he was after when he Chose me, that I was the bait for her. She was always going to end up here.”

San tilts his head, “wow, maybe you are smarter than you look.”

Before Mingi can get another word in, though, San is starting again. “Since you’re so smart, Mingi, I should only have to say this once. Leave (Y/n) alone, especially when it comes to the matter of my relationship with her. Truly, it’s none of your business, and it makes her upset to have to choose between the two of us.”

Mingi stares blankly back at San.

“And another thing, about Haseul— you should know to not bring that situation up in front of her. I’ll let it go this time, but if I hear about it again, I’ll report it to Hongjoong.”

He scoffs, “scared that she’ll find out what you did?”

“I didn’t do anything to Haseul,” San shrugs again, “you’re the one that handed her over to me, anyways. Don’t you think that you’re in the same position as me?”

“I wouldn’t have given her to you if Hongjoong hadn’t told me to,”

“And I wouldn’t have taken her if he hadn’t told me the same.” San smiles sarcastically, “it seems we’re in agreement, then.”

Mingi would beg to differ, but he’s really not in the mood for another argument. And his soup is getting cold. “I won’t mention Haseul to her again, and I’ll try to believe that you genuinely care for her. But I won’t trust you implicitly. And, if she ever comes to me, crying because of you, I will kill you.”

San sticks his hand out, “promise?”

Mingi takes it, shaking his hand, “promise.”

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#san is a snake #and we love it #waiting for the eventual shitshow when the mc finds out about haseul #the answer? more like the question #amirite #thanks #ill be here all night folks

353 notes · View notes

crimeronan · 1 year ago

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i've seen a couple people in the notes of this very good post about fictional polyamory by @thebibliosphere say things along the lines of "oh, i've been doing it wrong :(" or "how do i know if i did this right??" or "i should probably give up and start over, i wrote this badly :(" and. no!!!!

(i AM seeing far MORE people say "oh, this clarified and helped me so much, i think i know how to fix issues i've been having with my own story" which. YES!!!!)

listen. if you're a monogamous person who's writing a polyamorous relationship, and you've been focusing mainly on The Triad and All Three Together All The Time as the endgame, that's literally fine. that's a perfectly acceptable and strong starting point for your plotting, imo. you do not need to give up on a story that you've started like this.

but the things discussed in the post Can and Should improve your execution!

you can keep the same plot beats and overall relationship arc 100%. polyamorous relationships are infinite in their formations, every one is unique. "basically a monogamous romance but with three people" Does exist, as a relationship type. you're not hashtag Misrepresenting (TM) poly people with it

BUT i do think it will help to read up on some poly people talking about how their relationships Differ from monogamous ones.

so i have outlined some basic important concepts about polyamory.

MORE IMPORTANTLY though, i've broken down some questions that you can answer throughout the writing process to strengthen your individual dyad relationships, your individual characterization, & your characters' individual feelings/experiences. this is a writing resource have fun

future kitkat butting in to say i spent over two hours writing this and it definitely needs a readmore. it is also NOT comprehensive. but everything should be pretty simple to follow! feel free to reblog if you find it helpful yourself or just want to reward me for how gotdan long this took KSLDKFJKDL.

i've grabbed quick links for a couple of the important concepts, some have SEO pitches in them but the info largely seems to be good. (if i missed anything Egregiously Gross on these sites i should be able to update the links with better ones later, since they're under the readmore.)

sidenote: this is NOT meant to be overwhelming, despite the length. if you can't read all of this, that's Okay. you do not need to give up on your writing.

here we go:

compersion!

compersion is a BIG thing in a lot of polyamorous relationships. it's joy derived from seeing two (or more) of your partners happy together, or joy derived from seeing your partner happy with someone else.

compersion is really important as a concept because it highlights that every individual relationship within a polycule is different -- and that that's a GOOD thing. it's sort of the inverse of jealousy.

by the "inverse of jealousy," i mean that instead of feeling left out and upset and possessive, you feel happy/joyous/content.

i can use personal experience as an example: it's a Relief for me when my partners receive joy/support/sex/romance/etc that i can't (or prefer not to) give them. and i love seeing my partners make each other laugh and be silly together.

it's 100% okay for a poly triad not to be together 100% of the time, it doesn't mean that the third member is being left out or not treated equally when two people do things alone together.

(i have individual dates with my partners all the time! PLUS larger 3-and-4-person date nights.)

if the third member DOES feel jealous or left out, then the polycule can have a conversation to figure out what needs/wants aren't being met, and solve that. this happens semi-regularly in my polycule, as it will happen in any relationship (including monogamous ones)! it's just part of being an adult, sometimes you have to talk about feelings.

metamours!

a metamour is someone who is dating your partner, but ISN'T dating you. this may not be relevant for people writing closed three-person romantic sexual triads, but it's a super helpful term to know.

the linked article also lists different types of metamour relationships with some fun phrasing i hadn't heard before. the tl;dr is: sometimes you'll be domestic cohabitation friends, sometimes you'll be buddies with your own friendship, sometimes you might not interact much outside of parties, every relationship is different.

there's no one-size-fits-all requirement for metamour relationships. sometimes polyamorous people will end up dating their metamour after a while (has happened to me), sometimes polyamorous people will break up with one partner for normal life reasons, but remain friendly metamours.

the goal of polyamory is NOT for EVERYONE to fall in love. it is 100% okay if this happens in your story, it happens in real life too! but it is also 100% okay for characters to be metamours without ever becoming "more than friends."

(sidenote: try to kill any internalized "more than" that you have when it comes to friendship. friends are just as important and special and vital as partners.)

of course there are a million ways for messiness to occur with metamours within a complex polycule, exactly like with close-knit platonic friend groups. however this post is not about that! there's enough "here's how polyamory can go wrong" stuff out there already, so i'm focusing on the positives here :)

open versus closed polyamorous relationships!

i'm struggling to find an online article that reflects my experience without directly contradicting at least SOME stuff. so i'll give a quick rundown

google has a bunch of conflicting definitions of open relationships and whether open relationships are different from polyamory. the general consensus seems to be that an open relationship prioritizes one partnership (often a marriage), but that each partner can have extraneous flings or long-term commitments (most often sexual in nature).

this is not typically how i use the term wrt polyamory. the poly concept is pretty simple. a closed polyamorous relationship is one with boundaries like a monogamous one. there are multiple partners in the polycule, but they are not interested in having anybody new join said polycule.

an open polyamorous relationship tends to be more flexible -- it just means that IF someone in the polycule develops mutual feelings for a new person, it's fine for them to become part of said polycule if they want to! the relationship/person is open to newcomers.

some groups will need to negotiate this all together, others will just go "haha, you kids have fun." just depends on the individuals!

with open AND closed polyamorous relationships, the most important thing is making sure that there's respectful communication and that everyone is on the same page. but there's no one-size-fits-all way to do that.

i wish i could give you guys a prescriptive "You Must Do It This Way" guide, but that's.... basically the opposite of what polyamory is about, HAHA.

feelings for multiple people!

i was gonna tack this on to the previous section but decided it warranted its own lil bit.

a defining feature (....i'm told?) of monogamous relationships is that a monogamous person only has feelings for One individual at a time. they only want a relationship with one individual at a time. or, if they DO have feelings for multiple people simultaneously, they're still only comfortable dating one person at a time & being exclusive with that one person.

this is perfectly fine!

the poly experience is generally different from this. but once again..... polyamorous people all have different individual perspectives on this.

for me, i have never been able to draw hard boxes around romantic vs sexual vs platonic relationships, & i love many people at once. my personal polycule lacks many strict definitions beyond "these are my chosen people, i want to forge a life with them indefinitely, whatever shape that life takes"

some poly people feel explicit romantic or sexual attraction to multiple people at once, some poly people feel almost no romantic or sexual attraction at all. i'd say that MOST poly people feel different things for different partners, which is not a bad thing!

some poly people are even monogamous-leaning -- they have just chosen one romantic partner who is themselves part of a larger polycule. (so this monogamous-leaning person has at least one metamour!)

or alternatively, they might have one romantic partner AND a qpr, or other ways of defining relationships. (this is a factor in my own polycule!)

i made this its own point because if you're writing a straightforward triad, this is unlikely to come up in the story itself -- but it's worth thinking about how your characters develop/handle feelings outside of their partnerships.

like, is this sort of a soulmateship, 'these are the only ones for me' type deal? in which they won't fall in love with anyone else, and can be fairly certain of that?

that's pretty close to typical monogamous standards but you Can make it work. just be thoughtful with it

alternatively, can you see any of these characters falling in love Again after the happily-ever-after? and how would the triad approach it, if so? what would they all need to talk about beforehand, and what feelings would everybody have about the situation?

it's worth considering these questions even if the hypothetical will never feature in your actual canon, because knowing the answers to these questions will help you understand all of the individuals & their relationship(s) MUCH better.

i've been typing this for nearly two hours and there's a lot more i COULD say because... there's just a lot to say. i'll close out with some quick questions that you can ask yourself when developing the dyad dynamics within your triad

first, take a page and create a separate section for each individual dyad. then answer these questions for every pair:

how does each pair act when alone?

how do they act differently alone compared to when they're with their third partner?

are there any elements of this dyad (romantic, sexual, financial, domestic, etc) that these two people DON'T have with the third partner?

if so, what are they?

are there any boundaries or hard limits within this dyad that aren't shared with the third partner?

if so, what are they?

partner 3 goes out of town alone for a few weeks. what are the remaining two doing in their absence?

(doesn't have to be anything special, it's just to get a sense of how the two interact on a day-by-day basis without the third there)

what is something that each partner in the dyad admires about the other -- that they DON'T necessarily see in the third partner?

what problem do These Two Specifically need to solve in the story before their relationship will work?

how is that problem DIFFERENT from the problems being solved within the other two dyads?

doing this for ALL THREE dyads is VITAL imo. that way, you develop complex and nuanced and different relationships that all have unique dynamics.

those questions should be enough to get you started, i hope

then After you've charted the differences in relationships, you can start to jot down similarities in the overarching triad. what does one person admire in Both of their partners? what are activities that all three like to do together? what are boundaries or discussions that all three share?

but the main goal is to figure out how to Differentiate each relationship!

a polycule is only as strong as the individual relationships within it. if two people are struggling with their own relationship, adding a third person won't fix that.

(UNLESS the third person is the catalyst for those two to, like, Actually Communicate And Work Their Shit Out. i just mean that the old adage of "maybe if we just add a third-" works about as well to fix a miserable non-communicative marriage as, uh, "maybe if we have a baby-")

AND FINALLY.

if you're not sure whether your poly romance reads organically to poly people, you can hire a sensitivity reader with poly experience. if you can't afford that, you can read up on polyamorous resources like a glossary of terms & articles actually written by poly people. (and stories written by poly people!)

you can also just.... ask poly people questions, if they're open to it. i like talking about polyamory and my own relationships so you're welcome to send asks if u want, i just can't guarantee i'll answer bc my energy levels fluctuate a lot and i don't always have time.

polyamorous people are in an uphill battle for positive representation right now & so the LAST thing i want to see is authors giving up on their stories bc they're worried about getting things Wrong. well-meaning and positive stories that treat this kind of love as normal, healthy, & aspirational are So So So Needed. even if you guys end up with some funky-feeling details.

seriously, if you're monogamous then you probably don't have a full idea of Just How Nasty a lot of people can get about polyamory. i wish it DIDN'T mean so much for you guys to want to write nice stories about us, but it does mean a lot. and it means a lot that you want to do it WELL.

in conclusion. this is not a prescriptive guide, it's just a way to raise questions. and also, you all are doing FINE.

#thebibliosphere i apologize for tagging u when we don't know each other at all i just want u to get credit for the initial discussion #given that it is so much more thoughtful and clear than anything i'd think to write.#i did NOT mean to spend multiple hours on this but once i started writing i was like #oh god i actually do have like a lot i can tell monogamous people about writing poly people & the poly perspective #anyway. i mention it in the post but people can send me (respectful. obviously) asks if they have questions #i cant promise to answer all of them bc i am bad at this. but if i'm well enough then i'll try #polyamory #non-monogamy #ethical non-monogamy #writing #my writing #writing advice #relationships

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