#the 23rd can’t come fast enough

[queenlizbean]

Sweet baby’s last heat cycle is finally over. The vet says she’s finally well enough to get desexed. We just have to wait two weeks for her uterus swelling to go down

[roosterbruiser]

VOULEZ-VOUS FINALE

Spans from December, 1978--December, 1992

Los Angeles, CA

She opens a bank account. Her bruise plays a big role in this chapter. 

Another house party with just the gang. Cherry and Hangman are pretty much high the whole time. Everyone does a little bit of coke besides Rooster. She reads everyone’s palms.

Jake plays the tape of him and Cherry for everyone and Rooster gets pissy about it. And he tries to say it’s because he never watches his own stuff so he doesn’t understand why Jake does. And Cherry has to be like…relax, man. I fuck everyone. 

Rooster sulks outside, smoking a cigar. And Cherry finally goes outside and sits on his lap and asks him what’s going on. He’s too afraid to admit that he’s in love with her. So he just says that he likes the way things have been and he doesn’t want things to change. She assures him they won’t. 

And like she can sense that he needs it, she fucks him that night. Stays with him. Except there’s a moment where he tries to slow her down, holding her hips, helping her rock. And she lets him for a second--it feels good. It feels really, really good. But then she’s awash with something that feels too big and she takes over again and goes fast.

Rooster tells her that he sleeps very deeply when she sleeps with him. It feels like he’s saying that he loves her. 

Los Angeles, CA May 29th, 1979

Jake’s guilty but unwilling to talk about things. They haven’t told anybody about what happened. They have a little get-together and watch some of the films Cherry has made and Rooster privately broods. She babies him--sits on his lap while he smokes a cigar. And then they have sex that night. It’s the first time they actually make love. 

How come she can be sweet with Jake and not make it sexual but she can’t do that with Rooster?

Her and Rooster are like achingly close to being a couple. She’s spending all her time with him, they seem to have found some sort of domestic bliss together. She’s getting more money and he helps her open a bank account. 

He is close to telling her that he loves her. But something that keeps happening is everytime they have an intimate moment together, she tries to get sexual with him. And he doesn’t know how to tell her now so he does it. 

It comes to a head when Hangman is over one night. Her and Rooster go to bed and he is just holding her, kissing her, about to say he loves her. And she tries to initiate sex. And he lets it get to her sitting naked on top of him before he stops her. They have a small warble because she feels rejected and he doesn’t know how to explain to her that she doesn’t always have to fuck him. 

So she gets out of bed and fucks Hangman. Then she sleeps in her own room. 

Los Angeles, CA June 9th, 1979

Things are a bit stilted between her and Rooster now. She’s back on her bullshit with Jake, doing coke all the time and partying. It’s like what happened to her meant nothing. It didn’t touch her deeply enough for anything to change, especially since her and Rooster are in such a weird spot right now. And Rooter is too worried about something happening to Cherry, so he’s been accompanying them. 

Cherry is feeling things for Rooster and it scares her. She is starting to get special treatment from people because they’ve seen her films. A few people ask for autographs.

Somewhere in here, Phoenix paints a portrait of Cherry.

One night at the disco, a woman approaches Rooster and she’s kind of all over him. But he’s just watching Cherry. And when Cherry comes back to the table, he says he’s ready to go and she says she wants to keep partying. The woman wants to fuck Rooster--Cherry can tell. She sees Rooster pushing her off and tells Rooster that he should just take her home.

They get into a spat about it and he ends up leaving with the woman and fucking her at home. But he can’t finish. He doesn’t know why. He lets her stay the night, but he doesn’t sleep in the bed. Really, he doesn’t sleep at all. He just paces. 

Los Angeles, CA June 23rd, 1979

Cherry films a scene with Bob--nurse and patient. Then after, her and Bob go to the pier and she takes a walk with him. They get to know each other a little bit and he tells her what he knows about Rooster and Jake. They get to know each other. They both grew up on farms so they talk about it. They don’t fuck again. They have a friendship that translates off-screen and on. People like watching them fuck. But they never do it outside. 

When she goes home, Rooster is making dinner. Things have been a bit odd between them. But she’s just overwhelmed. So she goes into the kitchen and just holds him from behind. And he melts in her touch. But then she starts kissing his neck and grabbing his cock and he just gives in because he knows that’s the only way he’s gonna feel her love. They fuck that night, but he tenderly kisses what remains of her bruise. She never takes the necklace off. 

Cape Cod, MA July 1st-3rd, 1979

Phoenix has a vacation home on Cape Cod, so they all go to the house. It’s huge and beautiful and they’re all happy together. Cherry rooms with Rooster and it really excited him. 

They kind of act like a couple for a little while there. She’s taking bumps with Jake but everyone’s taking bumps. 

They have a few good days of just shopping and sun tanning and swimming and fucking. Maybe they play spin the bottle or seven minutes in heaven. Cherry ends up fucking everyone in the group during seven minutes in heaven. 

When her and Jake are swimming together one night, she notices a scar on the back of his leg that she’s never seen before. He says it’s a piece of Gentry’s skull--embedded there forever because it was too deep. They couldn’t get it out. 

For once, at the end of the night, Cherry is too tired to have sex. She asks Rooster if it’s okay if they just sleep. He says of course it is. He’s thrilled. He feels like this means something big. 

Cape Cod, MA July 4th, 1979

They drink all day. Cherry takes a few bumps with Jake. They go out boating. It’s a good time. Everyone is beautiful, everything is beautiful. 

They stay out on the water and watch the fireworks. She sits on Rooster’s lap all night. 

When they get home, everyone is tired. They all go to bed. Her and Rooster go to bed too and they make love. Like they actually make love for the first time--she lets him. And it’s so intense and she doesn’t know what to do and she’s scared. 

And he is so happy after. She can see that it pleased him so endlessly. And that terrifies her. 

He tells her that he loves her. She pretends like she’s asleep. He falls for it. 

Los Angeles, CA July 13th, 1979 

Films a swingers scene with Rooster, Phoenix, and Hangman. She’s starting to get recognized on the street now wherever she goes. People from out of town are the only ones brave enough to ask for a picture together and she never says no.

Rooster is waiting for the perfect moment to tell her that he is in love with her. He wants to get it right. He wants to leave the business and take her with him. He has enough money for the both of them to live off of handsomely forever. 

So then the four of them hang out at Phoenix’s place. Rooster sees the portrait of Cherry that she painted and says he wants to buy it. It’s the first piece of art he’s ever bought from Phoenix. 

Jake tries to outbid Rooster. They have a weirdly tense squabble over it before Cherry intervenes and outbids both of them. She buys the portrait herself. 

Later on, when her and Rooster go home, he turns on a record and asks her to dance with him. She’s confused because he never wants to dance. But then it’s a slow record and they slow dance and it feels good. She is in love with him maybe. But she’s having so much fun just fucking around, just being by herself, just doing whatever. 

And then he says he wants to tell her something. And she asks him to make her cum first. He does--twice. And then he tells her that he’s in love with her. She is terrified but she knows that she loves him too. She feels powerless against it. So she says she loves him too. 

Los Angeles, CA July 17th, 1979

Her and Rooster decide that they’re going to try monogamy. She’s scared, but she loves him. What else is there to do? The deal is that they only fuck other people for work. That’s it. Nothing outside of that. 

They announce it to their friends while they’re all on the beach together. Everyone is happy for them. Honestly, it’s a good day. Jake isn’t an asshole--he doesn’t think it’s gonna last, but he doesn’t say that. He’s still touchy with her, which is okay for now. 

That night, she takes a bath with Rooster. They tell each other about their childhoods. 

Los Angeles, CA August 11th, 1979

She films a cuckold scene with Rooster and Bob. 

Fucking other men on set isn’t helping. She wants to keep fucking other people. But she loves Rooster--she’s devoted to him. And it isn’t that he isn’t fulfilling her, it’s just that she’s a genuine nymphomaniac. 

Cute moments with her and Rooster--maybe them swimming. Maybe them shopping. You know. Cute stuff. You can do it!

Monterey, CA August 17th-August 20th, 1979

Rooster takes Cherry on a road trip. They go up the coast and stay in a little cottage on the water. It’s nice. It’s just them. He loves that it feels so domestic. She just loves him. She’s insatiable, though. She always wants it--she always wants to be fucked. 

Cherry wants to be with him but she’s afraid it won’t be enough. She’s trying so hard for it to be enough. For him. For Rooster. He tells her about his mom getting sick. 

Los Angeles, CA September 1979

Films a domination scene with Rooster.

Cherry and Rooster are in love. But she wants to be fucked all the time. 

There’s a scene where she tries to initiate sex and he doesn’t want to have sex. So she’s just frustrated. She has to touch herself and it just isn’t the same. 

She grabs a drink with Jake and they end up going back to his house. They do too much coke and end up sleeping together. They both feel terrible about it. 

She tells Rooster as soon as she gets home. And he forgives her and Jake immediately--I mean, it’s like handing a lighter to a pyromaniac. He gets it. He says that she can sleep with whoever she wants, as long as she comes home and is in bed with him every night. 

Los Angeles, CA October, 1979 

Films a Western thing with the full cast. 

She fucks someone else one night and then comes home. Her and Rooster eat dinner. They got to bed. He initiates sex and in the heat of the moment, while he’s being rough with her, he tells her that he’s fucking someone else’s cum into her. He calls her a whore. 

They stop. They’re both upset. They agree that it isn’t working. He asks her, as a last ditch effort, to quit porn and just be with him. She says no. They hold each other. In the morning, they agree to only fuck on set. 

Los Angeles, CA November, 1979

Summer camp with the full cast. When her and Rooster fuck, it’s very much them longing for each other. It’s heartbreaking, really. They kiss a lot. He still makes her cum. She misses him so much. Just a long hug after the shoot. 

She starts getting super into doing coke with Jake again. They’re hanging out all the time together. She’s still living with Rooster. But they’re achingly just friends--which is very hard for them. 

She’s kind of in a tailspin. She fucks everyone. She misses Rooster. 

Los Angeles, CA Late November, 1979

Her and Jake are hanging out, doing coke one night. They are talking and they start arguing. He says she doesn’t know the difference between sex and love. And they’re both high and they really get into it but then all of the sudden, he starts seizing. 

She rides with him in the ambulance. The paramedics recognize her and one of them asks for her autograph. Rooster meets her at the hospital. He and Cherry comfort each other. She’s very distraught. Jake is okay--they get to go in and see him after a few hours. They stay in the hospital with him for a while. 

When Rooster goes home to get him and Cherry some clothes, Jake tells her that he has something that he only wants to tell Cherry and she can’t tell anyone. She agrees. It’s very soft. She’s stroking his hair, they’re both crying. He said he met God and he licked his wounds. It was Gentry.

Los Angeles, CA December, 1979 

Cherry is still reeling from seeing Jake overdose. She asks Dennis if she can push the shoot back. He says no. Rooster and him get into it. 

Cherry shows up on set and Rooster and Dennis are arguing. Rooster tells Cherry that this is his last scene--ever. He’s leaving the business after this. This means several things: Cherry knows everyone will start to leave after him, they won’t fuck anymore, and she will miss him severely. 

It’s a make-me-a-star scene. Very sad.

Dennis insults Rooster and Cherry decks Dennis in the face. She busts his lip open good and wide.

Los Angeles, CA Late December, 1979

It’s just her and Rooster over Christmas. It’s her first one away from her folks. She signs another contract with Goldman Homevideos. Dennis forgives her--so he can keep making money from her.

The prologue ties in here. It is Dennis. He drugged her. 

She goes into Rooster’s room. He throws Dennis out. He cleans her up. It’s all very tender. She says she wishes that she could be what he wants her to be. He says that isn’t the issue here--the issue is that she can’t give herself to him fully. They hold each other. She still has the gold chain. She says that she thinks they’re soulmates. He says he’s always known it.

Los Angeles, CA November, 1980

It’s Cherry’s 23rd birthday. She celebrates with the whole crew. It’s a good party. 

Afterwards, Rooster gives her another gift. It’s when they’re alone together. He gives her two thick, fat gold rings. One has a C engraved on it and the other has an A engraved on it. He says that the next time Dennis acts up, she can scar him up real good. So that everyone knows he fucked with Cherry Arsan. 

Rooster finished Emmanuelle. He reads some out loud to her as they nurse their final cocktails of the night. They just go to sleep there on the couch together. They don’t have sex. 

Cape Cod, MA July, 1981 

They’re all at Phoenix’s house for the 4th again. Rooster, Payback, and Phoenix aren’t in the industry anymore. That leaves Cherry, Hangman, Coyote, and Fanboy. 

They swim and eat and all just love each other. It’s a good time. Cherry and Hangman aren’t officially a couple, but they may as well be. Cherry lives with him now and they’re fuck buddies, even though they fuck other people. 

But monogamy isn’t a thing. So she sleeps in Rooster’s bed because she misses him. And he misses her, too. They end up having sex and afterwards, Rooster is upset. He wants her. So he tells her that they can’t have sex again. It makes him miserable. 

Los Angeles, CA April, 1982

Phoenix is getting married. Everyone attends the wedding. They dance--except Rooster, who just watches. But when a slow song comes on, her and Rooster dance together. They dance to the song Something On Your Mind by Karen Dalton. 

He asks her if she ever wants to get married. They talk about it. She doesn’t know what she wants. She says that if she ever does get married, she hopes it’s him. But she doesn’t feel ready. He says he’ll wait for her. 

Only Hangman and Cherry are in the industry still.  

Los Angeles, CA December, 1983

It’s Christmas. It’s just Rooster and Cherry. 

Hangman is starting to spend Christmas with Gentry’s family. 

They’ve been doing this for a few years now. They reminisce all the years they’ve known each other and the way things have changed. She gets him very expensive cigars and a new gold chain since she still wears his. It’s very nice. He gets her a pair of shoes--nice, leather Mary Janes. And a pair of bell-bottoms. 

They don’t have sex, but she sleeps in his bed. He says it’s the only time he sleeps through the night. She kisses his forehead. 

Los Angeles, CA

June, 1984

It’s Rooster’s birthday now. They all celebrate with a big party at Rooster’s house. It takes place after, as she’s helping clean the place. Hangman quit the business. Cherry is getting her own place. 

On the off-hand, Cherry asks Rooster to grab her purse. He sees that there’s a gun in it. She says the world isn’t what it used to be. He begs her to leave and just be with him. Just love him. Isn’t he enough? It’s sad. 

This is when she also breaks the news to Rooster. Her and Hangman, during a coked up excursion in Las Vegas, got married. And when they came down, they decided they were gonna give things a go. Maybe not entirely monogamous, but devoted to each other. Rooster asks her if she regrets it. She says she doesn’t know yet, but she likes how warm he is in bed. Rooster is heartbroken, but also wise. He knows what they have isn’t going to last. They love each other the way an addict loves their next fix. There’s no longevity. What he and her have? That’s forever. He knows. He knows it. 

Los Angeles, CA October, 1985

Cherry is on the cover of Playboy in September. Her mother sends her a letter. She lets Rooster read it. It’s very, very sad. She’s upset about it. 

Rooster asks if she wants to go dancing to cheer her up. Bell Bottoms closed. So they just go for a swim. He skinny dips, just to cheer her up. She does, too. They almost have sex. Almost. But they stop in time. 

Her and Jake aren’t doing very well in their marriage. Their relationship is tumultuous and immature. They fight over everything…their next fix, their marriage, their cars, their jobs. They’ve lost their friendship.  

Los Angeles, CA January 1987

Cherry’s parents both die in a car accident. She finds out that they were in an immense amount of debt when they died, but they never asked her for help. She thinks that is sad and funny. Cherry would’ve given them money if she knew, but she didn’t. Her, Hangman, and Rooster go home to help with the house. She sees old people she’s fucked. Everyone ogles at her because they recognize her. The women give her hateful looks.

Her brother is terrible to her. Her parents left her nothing in their will--just what was in her childhood bedroom. She sees it--the way she left it when she was 21. Nothing is touched. They basically just boarded it up. 

It’s melancholy. 

Her, Rooster, and Hangman all squeeze into her childhood bed and sleep there together. It’s the worst sleep of her life. Between her husband and her soulmate. 

Los Angeles, CA February 1988

Rooster introduces Cherry to his fiance. Her name is Samantha. She’s an accountant. Samantha is older. Like maybe close to forty. She’s beautiful. They all have dinner together. Samantha very obviously doesn’t like Cherry, but she’s very cordial towards her. Cherry is becoming very insecure as she ages. She liked being the pretty young thing on the scene, liked that everyone was always calling her a baby. But she’s not so super young anymore. 

Jake, Cherry, and Bradley all go to dinner together to meet Samantha. Samantha and Bradley haven’t been together for very long. Cherry just got back from Italy and she’s talking a lot about herself. But she’s also coming to terms with the fact that she has an expiration date and it’s approaching. She’s struggling. Maybe she even talks about getting plastic surgery (which Samantha is super against). 

She kind of fishes for compliments, very vain, always checking her makeup. Samantha is a very forward-thinking woman who can hold her own. But she has very rigid standards of what she considers feminist and what she doesn’t. 

Samantha doesn’t like Cherry. Cherry is kind of being a bit off-putting and being touchy with Rooster and Jake. 

They get into a discussion about porn.

Samantha says Rooster regrets doing porn. And Cherry is asking him but he’s on the spot. He talks about how it was predatory and how Dennis used them, but her whole perspective is like sure, maybe it was predatory, but look at the fucking house we’re sitting in. Look at the fucking gold chain you’re wearing. Look at the fucking steak we’re eating right now, with the perfect marble. And Jake and Rooster say that Cherry got the worst of it and she’s like yeah, I did. But what do I have to complain about when I’m sitting here in a Chanel dress, wearing a string of saltwater pearls? 

So then Samantha brings up how when her and Rooster have kids, and if they have sons, they don’t want them to watch porn. Porn has such a negative effect on youth and it makes men violent. Cherry takes that as a personal offense. She says she doesn’t make men violent by having violent sex on camera--she has to have violent sex on camera because that’s what men want. 

Her and Hangman hang around after dinner, when Samantha goes home. Her and Rooster don’t live together yet. They all talk about the years that have passed and how times have changed.

They talk about children. What they all want in life. And Cherry and Hangman tell Rooster that they’re getting a divorce--a very amicable one. As soon as they decided to divorce, they became friends again. They tell Rooster, while laughing, about the last fight that they had. Cherry called Jake a cokehead loser who couldn’t get over his dead gay boyfriend. Jake called Cherry an orphaned sell-out with too-big tits. Rooster doesn’t think any of this is funny. 

Los Angeles, CA November-December, 1988

Cherry has an ectopic pregnancy. She has one egg drop and it ends up detaching in the wrong spot. She was a whole conversation with Rooster about it. Rooster comes to her in the hospital and won’t leave until she finishes eating. She’s very obviously struggling, even if she’s trying to still be fun and flirty and sexy. He asks whose it was. She says maybe Jake’s, but it’s anyone’s guess. 

He leaves but waits outside the door. He hears Cherry sobbing. When he walks back in, she’s curled into herself and facing away from him. He just crawls into bed behind her and holds her tight. 

The next month, Rooster invites Cherry over for dinner. Samantha is there. Samantha and Rooster are looking into fertility treatment because they want to start a family. And Cherry tries to talk to Samantha about it, but Samantha implies that her issues are different from Cherry’s and that she’s always known she was gonna have a hard time conceiving. 

So first of all, Cherry asks Rooster if he wants kids. And he says that maybe he does. And she says you’ve never told me that. And Samantha is like why would he? And Cherry says that they were together. And Samantha has hit the ceiling at this point. So she’s like yeah, he told me about it. You couldn’t stop fucking other men. 

Rooster stands up for Cherry. And Cherry and Rooster have an argument. Cherry is trying to be everybody’s baby and Rooster is upset by all this. She’s smoking a cigarette in his house and he tells her to take it outside. And she’s surprised bc he always bends the rules for her. And she won’t let Samantha take that. 

But then he says that they’re engaged. She isn’t the woman in his life. 

She leaves before she starts crying. 

Los Angeles, CA July 1989

It’s the night before the wedding. Cherry quit the industry a few months ago. Everyone’s at the hotel. It’s late. She’s sitting at the hotel bar by herself, nursing a glass of wine. Rooster ends up coming down. They talk all night. It’s a lot of reflection--all her time in the industry, what she learned about love and sex. What she learned about men and herself. And he just loves her so much. 

Cherry does not intend to ruin the wedding. She just tells Rooster that she wishes their timing had been better. She wishes she had been ready. She wishes she was his age. He tells her it’s too late for that now. That he is a good man with good intentions and there is a woman upstairs who he said he would marry. Cherry, very sadly and sweetly, says she knows he is a man of his word. She tells him that he is going to make a perfect husband and a perfect father. She squeezes his hand. 

She goes upstairs to her hotel room and feels immense grief, but relief as well. The back and forth is finally ending. There is no more will-they-won’t-they with them. He’s moving on. She is heartbroken, but genuinely very happy for him. 

There’s a knock on the door. It’s Rooster and he’s holding his suitcase. He tells her that she’s always had horrible timing. She says she’s been late to everything in her life. He leaves with Cherry.

Sonoma, CA December 1992

Cherry is 35 and Rooster is 45. They own a vineyard in Sonoma. They’re preparing things for Christmas with everyone. They make love before the fireplace. They’re lovingly getting their home ready for all their friends. They’ve got a couple dogs and some horses. Life is good--sweet. 

A few of them have kids, most everyone is married. Cherry and Rooster got married a few months after the wedding was called off. They’re happy. They’re really, really happy. They look through photo albums while they’re getting things out. All the photos Rooster took of her over the years--some of them are devastatingly sexy. But others are sexy in a quieter way--like a picture he took without her knowing, one where she’s sitting at the end of her bed and rolling lace stockings up her legs. Another where she’s sucking her finger in the reflection of the mirror to get the lipstick off her teeth. And some of the pictures aren’t sexy at all--they’re just beautiful. Cherry on their honeymoon in Maine, bundled up in a sweater with a scarf in her hair waving in the wind. Cherry behind the wheel of Rooster’s cherry-red car, grinning sweetly with her big sunglasses on. Cherry first-thing in the morning, hair messy and toothbrush hanging out of her mouth. It’s the way he’s always seen her, which is not the way most men of the world see her: as a person. As herself. As something to be loved and not just fucked.

Fin.                           

[cmdr-h-of-the-woods]

CMDR H of the Woods’ logbook, June 3309

3rd June 3309 CPD-60 604

Do you know what’s even more exhilarating than canyon running?

Canyon running in my exploration ship full of exobiological data worth dozens of millions. I obviously didn’t go as fast as I would with the Eagle, but I found some nice canyons to play in for a bit.

4th June 3309 SUMMANUS A3

Watched a total eclipse that happened to be occurring just as I approached body A3.

Overheated and passed out, but must have managed to get myself back to the safety of my ship before getting toasted to a crisp.

Landed on A2, climbed a mountain to go look at A3, then raced 1.30km back to the ship before the star rose, because I didn’t feel like trying my luck again and didn’t want to risk overheating again so soon. Will have to take it easy for the next couple of days, getting almost cooked in my suit was rather unpleasant.

[There is also a timelapse video of the eclipse on my YT channel here]

7th June 3309 HECATE

Ran some quick delivery missions and visited the Daunting Hammer, a megaship located in a system also featuring a ringed ammonia world. This might be the first time one of these.

9th June 3309 GAT 1373 A1A

This system has a white dwarf that is visible from the moon I landed on to pick up some plant samples. I can’t quite see the jet cones from here, which is probably a good thing. I am not sure just how much radiation my suit can handle but I doubt it was designed to withstand that kind of thing.

10th June 3309 NGOBE

Found a ship crash site. Seemed recent, there was still smoke coming from what seems to have once been a Viper. The worst part in this was finding the pilot’s body, someone called Conrad Lynn. No idea where to even start looking to identify and notify his next of kin.

21st June 3309 PLEIADES SECTOR OI-T C3-7

The Pleiades nebula has been calling my name for a while and it’s now getting bigger and bigger in the sky. I made a halt in 48 Epsilon Arietis, where I landed on a moon (4B) with a lovely view of a gas giant and the blue supergiant. The past 10 days or so have been mostly uneventful and I found myself more tired than usual, so I’ve spent a good part of my time just resting in my ship and preparing for the next jump.

This system I am in has Thargoid-related signals. I hesitated for a while before getting any closer, but curiosity got the upper hand. I found something like... big barnacles, surrounded by a green cloud. And it made... sounds. I am unsure what it is, but it is unlike any other organic life form I’ve seen before.

Also. There’s a listening post in this system. So my short-term objective is to visit the other two systems it references, triangulate them, and get to the bottom of this.

23rd June 3309 DELPHI

Been exploring around this system, where I found one other listening post related to the one I visited the other day. And a port called The Oracle, as a reference to some ancient Earth myth. Found a lot of crashed Thargoid ships here with apparently active (and toxic) sensors. I’ve seen these before, but it was only just one. These wrecks had so many! It’s also interesting seeing a Thargoid ship like this from up close. Those things are large.

Speaking of seeing them up close... I met a Basilisk. A living one. It didn’t even attack me, but scanned me and I managed to get close enough to scan it too. Then it seemed to shift its attention to the debris field around us. I can’t quite tell if it was analysing it or picking up parts. And then, just like that, it left. I wonder if that human ship got blown up by Thargoids? Maybe this one was just a scavenger? Who knows.

25th June 3309 One of the many Pleiades Sector systems I’ve been visiting

Still hunting for whatever location those listening posts were referring to. Triangulating the data is difficult and time-consuming, I’m finding myself jumping and hoping for the best, knowing that I must be roughly in the right area. But I will get there.

HIP 17000 This system didn’t have the signal I was looking for, but do you know what I found? A black hole. Lined up with the nebula, it made for a pretty unique spectacle.

26th June 3309 HIP 16613

Finally found it. Approached the coordinates I had gathered from the listening posts. I almost turned around and left when I saw a shipwreck shrouded in a green cloud, but I didn’t go through all of this jumping around for nothing. Found out from the log uplink what happened to this young, overly confident pilot who thought it would be a good idea to try and shoot down a Thargoid vessel. It didn’t end well for him.

It didn’t end well for me, either.

First, I almost boosted into the planet upon approach, because my hand twitched when I wanted to switch fire groups and scan the wreck.

And then... a Thargoid showed up. I wanted to get closer and scan it, but I must have got too close. Suddenly, my shields were down. Less than 5 seconds later, before I even had time to try to boost away, my poor Elmwing’s hull cracked and the automated safety protocols were triggered. I woke up aboard a fleet carrier I had docked at earlier today. Good thing I had at least sold my biological samples!

[Once I had respawned, I flew back to the site and waited for the Thargoid to come back and just waved at it. We had a much friendlier, or at least, less hostile, interaction.]

There wasn’t much left for me to do there, and the escape pod I had picked up was lost with my ship... I can only hope it survived the explosion. Made my way to Taygeta. Picked up the signal of another black box. Dropped in and found myself face to face (sort of) with another Thargoid. A Cyclops, this time. Everything was going well, and then it felt like it was looking at me wrong, and those little drones around it started to gnaw on my hull. I hadn’t even turned my shields on! Thankfully, I was able to turn around, boost, pop a heat sink, boost away again, engage my FSD and escape with 62% hull. Phew!

There is another listening post here, with new coordinates.  Along with some high gravity bodies that I want to try to land on, just for the experience...

29th June 3309 HIP 17892

Travelled 20LY so I could be sure to sell my exploration data before attempting a high-G landing. Not that I had much to sell, after the incident with the Thargoid, but just to be safe. That's all I wanted to do here for now. Turns out, this system has two listening posts, unrelated to the one in Taygeta. So that's now 3 stories for me to follow, 3 mysteries to investigate... And who knows what else I'm going to find!

[omegaremix]

Captured Tracks, 2022.

What makes Omega WUSB great is how we create tributes as part of what we play on air. They allow us to get to know our favorite labels better and gives our listeners a nicer surprise from our usual spinning-wheel craziness. Most of them we previously featured are from New York City such as Sacred Bones, Hospital Productions, Wharf Cat, and Mexican Summer. Just recently, Captured Tracks joined that list of labels that deserved it. Do a little due diligence (say that three times fast) and you’ll see that Mike Sniper has had his hands in plenty of things. He owns the umbrella Omnian Group, does illustration for other artists, made music as Blank Dogs, and was part of other bands, too. And he’s owned a couple of record stores, too. Sideman Records was up for a couple of years until the y recently closed down, but his other store named after his Captured Tracks label, is still up. That’s good because I’ve been meaning to visit.

After Amityville’s High Fidelity wiped me out like no other (two visits cost me $893.00 in total), I had one more stop I was planning to visit and call it quits. That was Innersleeve Records until I took a better look at their sticker prices posted on social media. Right then and there I declared my island-wide record store victory tour finally over and any city-wide visit to other stores were treated as “bonus rounds”, which two visits to Academy’s Brooklyn and Manhattan locations already counted. Captured Tracks just posted some nice pics- of their stock and I’ve been meaning to go, so let’s give a proper end to a great expensive run.

I arrived at the Central Islip station, sweltering in the low 80’s and as bright as bright can be. The train took off westbound to Penn Station for a 75-minute ride. I told myself it was going to be a great day. When I did, I noticed something somewhat disappointing. Nothing said there was going to be pending thunderstorms for the next few days, but here they come as I looked to my right. Surely enough daylight went dark and it came down hard from Jamaica all the way to Penn Station. I didn’t come above and out to 34th Street to experience it because I went under to catch the ‘E’ line. Everyone waiting for the alphabet lines were baking and drenched in sweat from all the unbearable post-rain humidity filling the platforms beneath. Thank the Lord for air-conditioned transit. I got off at 23rd and Court Square to the ‘G’ and finally came up at the Greenpoint Ave. stop. It was all clear, as if the horrible weather never happened. You wouldn’t even noticed, either.

Down Manhattan Ave., I turn left on Calyer St. and look for #195. Where the hell is it? I look up and there was the wooden Captured Tracks sign nailed above the window. I wouldn’t have realized that I walked past it as it was perfectly blended in the residential buildings. How cute. I walk up the stairs only to be confronted by a closed door and push-button lock. It can’t fucking be. I look below and there was a flight of concrete steps leading to the basement entrance. Immediately I felt an amazing spell, as if I just discovered a well-hidden secret that almost no one knew. I never entered a music-store this way. That’s what made it magical.

I walk through the front door to find not that many people lurking for new finds. There were only three staffers: one behind the counter checking their Discogs store online, another restocking the vinyl bins, and the last sitting behind the desk in the back corner observing Lord knows what. None of them were Mike Sniper. I walk around the narrow space which was mostly nice and neatly organized; a cellar space adorned with chipped paint on the walls, pipes and valves that would make Super Mario and Luigi gladly pay their 100 coins a month each to live in. I reminded myself why I was here in the first place: to see if their selection matches that of what their label offered.

Captured Tracks were the kings of organization. Everything organized by genre, label, and artist name. Sure, they had the standard classic rock, psych-, and metal LPs. But walk around and they had a full selection of jazz, soul, and R&B to start. They carried several bins of classic disco and dance classified right down to the label. Salsoul, Motown, Casablanca - they weren’t handwritten but instead their tabs and dividers were logo’ed. Want classic motion picture soundtracks from the Eighties-on backward? Pre-war jazz and vocals? Reggae and Bollywood? Greek, Israeli, Brazilian, French, Italian, and Latin artists? They specialize what the other stores don’t. Almost nothing where it shouldn’t be.

First order of business was the cassette section nailed right next to the entrance. They had way less on the shelves than they posted and nothing got to me. In the middle of the store were…eight-tracks? Fifteen of them were posted on a board in the middle of the store. That’s all they had. If I had a player, then no doubt I would be even consider spending $30.00 for either Lonnie Liston Smith’s Expansions and Roy Ayers’ Red Black And Green for $35.00. Adjacent to them were a small pot of CDs, maybe no more that a hundred. So what did I say about how hard it was finding Suicide albums? For $7.00 I was able to get Alan Vega’s Mutator. What tasteless muppet who knows nothing about art and culture sold his copy back to the store? Which other labelmate of his was also in the pot? Marissa Nadler, of course. Her latest full-length The Path Of The Clouds cost $12.00, the highest-priced purchase of the day.

No record-store excursion would be complete without getting a crack at some jazz and fusion. Same to be said about what Roy Ayers records they had. Still no A Tear To A Smile, but instead Let’s Do It sitting in which I already had. But, going across I did find plenty familiar artists with albums I never seen before in the wild from Ron Carter, Ramsay Lewis, Jeff Lorber Fusion, Herbie Mann, and Hank Crawford. I had a chance to pick up two Kool & The Gang records: Wild And Peaceful and The Force. I held off because off of Wild And Peaceful there was “Hollywood Swingin’” and “Jungle Boogie”, and I wouldn’t have been happy if the entire record went in that direction. The Force reminded me that I wasn’t familiar with -The Gang aside from those two, “Summer Madness”, and Love And Understanding. Going a little bit to the right to Hubert Laws’ divider and I find found it: How To Beat The High Cost Of Living with Earl Klugh. That was a huge personal win for me. That motion-picture soundtrack was part of last year’s impeccable, memorable, golden Spring.

Captured Tracks had a small section for hip-hop / rap LPs and 12” singles. Nothing piqued my interest as I wouldn’t spent more than a few dollars on a piece of wax with one or two songs. Their selection of those artists jumped around ranging from Eighties mainstays to Nineties unknowns. The only thing I took with me from those bins was Kool Moe Dee’s Knowledge Is King and that was it.

I figured to give the soul bins a shot and I win another Blackbyrds record, a tattered copy of Bootsy Collins Rubber Band, and The Olympic Runners’ Don’t Let Up - one which would sound so familiar if you’re a Planet Asia & Talib Kweli fan.

Across from the front desk were two stations with four bins each of new arrivals with lots of rare, unknown, and obscure jazz, rock, soul, and soundtracks. Of the fifteen minutes it took me to thumb through it all, the only thing I saw of interest was Blank Stare’s self-titled. It may have been their only hardcore / punk title in the entire store Captured Tracks had as they weren’t known to carry much of it. During that time of lurking through their new arrivals did the staff bring up how much of a psychotic asshole Drew Carey was in real life, and speculated if his Hollywood personality was the reason why his then-wife took her own life. Their words, not mine.

But do give them lots of points as possible for having a straight, organized, and in-reach section of 45’s and 7” records (take that, High Fidelity!). I counted at least 50 categorized white boxes labeled with jukebox hits, punk, new-wave, jazz, country, rock, decades, and more. They had more than enough of reggae and soul with new arrivals of 45’s up for grabs as well with dedicated boxes of legendary artists (Elvis) and others divided and categorized. Good thing I’m still thirsty for Eighties’ hits from my Atari childhood and I bought plenty of them. Simple Minds, Janet Jackson, Kim Carnes, Thomspon Twins. No shame here, and neither should anyone feel it when they practice self-care.

Displayed were many top-dollar records on the wall and over the bins. Those carried the heaviest prices. A copy of Fear’s debut clocked in for $30.00 and The Dictators Go Girl Crazy goes for $40.00. Buzzcocks’ In A Different Kitchen and Sex Pistols’ Never Mind The Bullocks were stickered for $45.00. The Smiths’ The Queen Is Dead went for $50.00 and their self-titled for $55.00. The 7” records on the wall were just a criminal. $25.00 got you Merzbow & Gore Beyond Necropsy’s Rectal Grinder on blue vinyl. Another blue (transparent) 7” was posted which was KRS-One’s “Sound Of The Police” remix which went for $50.00 ($70.00 on Discogs at the time of posting). Two Pharcyde singles were also pinned to the wall: “Otha Fish” sold for $25.00 while “Passin’ Me By” was asking for $60.00. For a piece of wax? That’s insanity, but Brooklyn’s residents need to pony up that rent money, don’t they?

On the floor were many crates of $3.00 records which never occurred to me to burrow through, and they had tons of shelves of LPs under the bins but were marked ‘not for sale’. Might be for the better. It would’ve eaten up another hour-and-a-half of my time and maybe more of my wallet. On the other side was the usual classic rock every store needs to sell in order to stay in business. The most amusing? All the Eric Clapton records were under the ‘Craptonia’ section. (Either they hate his anti-masking stance or have a thing with loved ones falling to their deaths.) I looked through all I could and something didn’t add up: where were all those indie and post-punk / d.i.y. I was looking forward to find? I didn’t see any. I assumed Captured Tracks would carry that kind of stuff because they have Mac Demarco, Beach Fossils, DIIV, Molly Burch, and Wild Nothing on their label. And they’re from Brooklyn. How could they not have stuff like Yard Act’s debut release, Special Interest, Gong Gong Gong, Guerilla Toss, or anything from Wharf Cat? Which was why I had a field day at Rough Trade (before moving out of Williamsburg) and both of Academy’s locations. But at least they had a Thee Oh Sees record somewhere. That qualifies, right?

I’m about five minutes away from declaring an end to this year’s record-store victory tour. I took my pile of finds to the front counter to be added up. I asked the guy with the blonde hair and glasses if those records marked ‘not for sale’ were really off-limits. He explained that they were Discogs stock for the store and need to keep tabs on their stock, which was fine by me. Pain alleviated. He gave me a couple of titles for free and everything came out to $118.00 including New York State (vampire) tax. Good thing I brought two totes with me because I wasn’t taking any chances having my purchase melt in this 90* July heat. Not happening now, not happening ever. I thanked him for everything, walked upstairs and out on Calyer St. with my stash to a bright, clear, glorious Greenpoint sky.

**********

It’s over. It’s finally over. With me leaving Captured Tracks, the record-store victory tour has come to an official close. I did all that I wanted to do and then more. Almost two months of intensive free-spending without worry and practicing self-care and individualism to the fullest. I was the sun which everything else revolved around - the ventures to Queens and Brooklyn, Easter with my Italian Coney Island family, Roman connections, an ambitious Summer broadcasting season at WUSB, the spirit of Sacred Bones’ 15th Anniversary showcase permanently swirling around me, visits to the retro video arcade down the road from me, seeing friends from the Brentwood era, dinner in Calverton, and a small but all-essential conversation with my #1 favorite ginger. I’ve been spinning up some good spaces on the wheel with no signs of losing.

While walking up to Manhattan Ave. to catch the ‘G’ line, I noticed that a curious point of interest had its doors open. That place was Sunshine Laundromat, a locale I’ve read all about but been meaning to visit for the longest time. It’s an actual laundromat with a concealed backdoor that opens up to reveal a backroom pinball arcade. I never noticed it being there until now but finally I found it! It was only 5:45PM and I had all the time in the world to spare. So why not go in? I have nothing to lose.

I enter the laundromat and I slowly look around. It’s a very narrow space to maneuver around with only two or three pinball tables present and a wall of built-in washing machines and dryers. I notice a lady in the back sorting out a mound of clothes. Behind her is that door that leads to (multiball) paradise. I peer right behind her as she looks up and notices me.

“Hi! How can I help you?” she greets me with a smile. I told her that with genuine interest that I read about the laundromat and asked her if the backroom is open. She told me that they’re under renovations but also are awaiting to have their permit approved by the city. She also said that most likely if all goes to plan, then the arcade will re-open for business in a few weeks. It was alleviating news that made me feel good on the inside and made me walk out a more hopeful being.

It was a mood experiencing two crowded subway cars sharing cramped space with everyone imaginable. It wasn’t an eternal wait for the Central Islip line to arrive which the big ride out east was symbolic in itself. Not many people boarded the car I was riding. I sat facing away in the opposite direction. The 7PM sun in its intense beaming yellow glory was all alone in the sky with no clouds or miserable humidity to share it with. Both The Offset: Spectacles followed by Daniel Johnston’s “In A Lifetime” play along with the air conditioner’s cold snap on the way home as I think about what August and September will have in store for me.

The wheel landed on ‘DOUBLE YOUR MONEY’. I told myself it was going to be a great day. And I was right.

Jon Lucien: Premonition LP

Ron Carter: Peg Leg LP

Ramsey Lewis: Love Notes LP

Hubert Laws & Earl Klugh: How To Beat The High Cost Of Living LP

Weather Report: Tale Spinnin’ LP

Olympic Runners: Don’t Let Up LP

Bootsy’s Rubber Band: Stretchin’ It Out In… LP

Jeff Lorber Fusion, The: self-titled LP

Blackbyrds: Unfinished Business LP

Herbie Mann: Sunbelt LP

Hank Crawford: Cajun Sunrise LP

Kool Moe Dee: Knowledge Is King LP

Blank Stare: self-titled LP

Police, The: “Every Breath You Take” 7”

Simple Minds: “Don’t You Forget About Me” 7”

Bangles, The: “In Your Room” 7”

Thompson Twins: “Hold Me Now” 7”

Janet Jackson: “Let’s Wait A While” 7”

Kim Carnes: “Bette Davis Eyes” b/w “Miss You Tonight” 7”

Alan Vega: Mutator CD

Marissa Nadler: The Path Of The Clouds CD

[kiekiecarrera]

Please share all your jiara theories for season 3 if you have any!! Do you think they’ll end the season together?? What’s gonna happen with kie and rafe? How will pope react to jj and kiara?? Feb. 23rd can’t come fast enough!!!

Anon a month ago I wasn’t sure we would be getting a kiss, last week I thought maybe we’ll get a kiss, but it’s been non-stop breakdowns since Thursday I think we’re definitely gonna get that good Jiara storyline we want 🥹 Like my faith in the pates has skyrocketed and Josh pate is so Jiara-coded I genuinely think they would not say all the things they said if they planned on giving them a bad ending. And also all the thing Maddie and Rudy said in the interviews like they get these characters so well? Anyway I think the season’s gonna be rough and JJ’s definitely going to try and self-sabotage but Kie’s not gonna let him and they’ll figure it out by the end of the season like I really can’t wait to eat it all up

I think Kie and Rafe are gonna end up kidnapped together and he’s not gonna try to kill her for a change and maybe he’ll help her escape but that’s all I have/want out them. like we’re doing the daily rewatch rn and it’s only reminding of how much of a terrible person Rafe is

Honestly I was worried pope might be upset for a bit but seeing the Cleope content has me so reassured if he’s upset it’s not gonna be for very long like he’s gonna be happy for his friend if he sees JJ getting his shit together for Kie. I’ve always been a believer that pope was projecting his feelings for Kie a lil bit anyway bc the other boys were into her, so I don’t think it’ll take him long to get over her

Anyway i Need feb 23 for my sanity rn

[seginbeats]

𝐕𝐚𝐫𝐢𝐨𝐮𝐬 𝐆𝐢𝐚𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐨 𝐇𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐜𝐚𝐧𝐨𝐧𝐬

These are specific to how I write Giacomo, but feel free to enjoy them outside of RP.

Full name: Giacomo Benassi

Though I haven’t found a voice claim for him yet, he absolutely speaks in a Roman Italian accent.

Fast paced, shortened speech. He shortens everything. Actually, he is somewhat of a rambler. Once you get him talking, he does not shut up, especially if it pertains to his interests. He isn’t rambling to be annoying, that’s just how he functions.

But, as soon as he’s done talking, he’s done, and will exit stage left without another word.

“I’m gonna be the next deadmaushold,” he says as he sits in his room, eating popcorn and working on the 23rd edit of his latest house style beat.

Hobbies? Giacomo loves to play MMORPGs. Catch him grinding levels in Genshin Impact. And wasting stolen LP on Genshin Impact. And crying over Genshin Impact.

Ironically enough, he’s allergic to pineapples. It’s a little tragic.

Giacomo uses a lot of body language— he speaks with his entire body, arms gesturing here and there, legs pacing him around if he’s very excited. His eyes are also very animated; the eyebrows will shoot up and the eyes themselves will widen at the smallest thing he’s interested in.

He’s a bit of a control freak. Blame the anxiety.

He does not have a driver’s license. Mela and Ortega had to make a fake one for him.

Actually, he failed his driver’s exam, and can’t retake it because he dropped out of the academy.

Both of his parents kicked him out when word of his antics with Team Star got to them. Giacomo pretends like it doesn’t bother him, but he’s actually pretty upset about it. He doesn’t have a bad relationship with his mother and father, but he doesn’t have an amazing one. Mom is a strict woman, and dad expected Giacomo to pursue more traditionally “manly” jobs.

“Music isn’t a real career, that’s what pops tells me all the time,” Giacomo groans with irritation.

“Yeah but they’ll change their mind once I come home with my first song playing on the radio.”

If your want a friend who’s going to stick in your corner and try to be the voice of reason, while also hyping you up and being a bit of an affectionate bully, look no further than Giacomo.

[dargeereads]

So Hectic Eve Dangerfield (Silver Daughters Ink, #3) Publication date: May 23rd 2024 Genres: Adult, Contemporary, Romance

A Super Spicy, Enemies to Lovers, Playboy, standalone romance from critically acclaimed author Eve Dangerfield

Tabby DaSilva’s life sucks. Her dad’s AWOL, her Prosecco-themed music festival ‘Sparkling Whine’ bombed, and her big sister’s pregnancy means she’s officially transitioning from ‘youngest kid’ to ‘weird aunt.’ But hardest to take is her best friend Toby Tennant becoming pure evil.

Relieving him of his virginity was supposed to seal their alliance. Instead, Mr Nice Guy vanished only to resurface as a full-blown finance douche, complete with Lamborghini and a podcast shilling creatine every five minutes.

Frankly, it’s a fate worse than death.

But Tabby has the perfect solution: run away! All she needs is enough cash to start a new life in Colombia, and since Toby’s petitioning for her to tattoo him, what’s a girl to do but slowly inject ink into her enemy’s rippling Ken doll torso?

Little does she know that her ex-best friend doesn’t really want a tattoo. Toby wants her, mind, body, and soul. He’s spent the last two years becoming the Sugar Daddy of Tabitha DaSilva’s dreams, and he’s finally ready to show her that he can take care of her and dominate her in ways she can’t even imagine…

SO HECTIC is a full-length contemporary novel and is the third and final book in the Silver Daughters Ink Series.

Goodreads / Amazon / Barnes & Noble / iBooks

—

EXCERPT:

Tabby had had a bad feeling about the Belle, but she’d dismissed it like she always dismissed bad feelings when she was seven drinks in. She’d wandered up to the bar, and instead of finding a decent range of tequilas and limited chemical relief, she found Toby Tennant having a public threesome. Well, almost… He was sitting in a leather booth across from the bar, his arms around two stunning blondes, both of whom were sticking their tongues in his mouth.

For a second, slower than all the unboiled kettles in the world, Tabby watched them, her heart pumping bile. Running into him after all that time always would have sucked, but he looked so… good.

Everything about it did.

It looked like a fashion shoot: Toby in his hot pink and blue shirt, the girls in matching green dresses, and the bottle of vodka in front of them. Tabby’s mind had unwittingly formed an advertising slogan.

‘Chopin Family Reserve; it’ll get you sucked off two at a time!’

She’d watched the three of them writhe around, none of them concerned that banging in public was still very much illegal. She’d wanted to be mistaken. Wanted to be dead. Wanted to believe Toby had set up this sleazy scene just to hurt her because the alternative—that this was just how he lived now—was too painful to comprehend.

But she didn’t know anything about pain, not yet, because before she could pull her jaw off the floor, Toby disentangled himself from his paramours and looked straight at her.

The memory still had more knives than a butcher shop. Unlike her, Toby’s surprise rapidly morphed into amusement. He’d scanned her body like she was a topless waitress, and Tabby had just stood there, dumbfounded. He’d always been cute, but in the Village Belle Hotel, he’d looked amazing. He’d put on at least ten kilos of muscle, and his fuckboy haircut perfectly showcased his pale blue eyes and killer cheekbones.

Their gaze met—had his lashes always been a foot long?—and he’d smirked. Smirked. Smirked at her like he’d punched her v-ticket.

She wanted to be disgusted, but a fluttering heat had licked through her like flame, and all she could think about was his weight on her body as he thrust hard and fast. “That feel good, Tabby? You gonna come on it again?”

Author Bio:

Eve Dangerfield’s novels have been described as ‘genre-defying,’ ‘insanely hot’ and ‘the defibrillator contemporary romance needs right now’ and not just by those who might need bone marrow one day… OTHER PEOPLE! She lives in Melbourne with her beautiful family and can generally be found making a mess.

Website / Goodreads / Facebook / Instagram / TikTok

GIVEAWAY! a Rafflecopter giveaway

—

[outofcontexturi]

22:59pm extra journal thu 23rd feb 2023

lucky for me I don’t have the courage to take my own life and actually have hope that it’ll change I just need the energy to change it. But lack the energy cause I’m always tired. My phone is on 27%. I want a haircut. It’s now 23:00pm. I remember 10 years ago and that’s fucking trippy to me. the fact that I’m 24 is so weird and I can’t grasp that I’m getting older and time is a thing I’m always conscious of and it feels like I’m running out of time even though I’m not but fuck me do I hate the feeling. I was so close to telling Matt to give me a fucking break today as he was directing my showcase scene with Kiziana. When I’m tired I hate hearing criticism about the things I’m doing because i know im not at my best and im trying my best but tiredness is rough. It’s a cold hearted bitch to students around the world. Today it had a date with me. My body clock is so fucked and I need to change it. I need to brush my teeth. It’s 23:06pm. I’m on 25%. Being a student is so weird man. Being an adult student is weirder. Like why the fuck am I am adult student?! I’m slowly coming to accept that I’m a student that will get his turn it’s just not now cause I’m in school. I’m young, I’m handsome, I can act, I have an amazing style. I have so many things going for me that I’d say qualify me to be a working actor once I leave this school that I don’t doubt I’ll be working. Yeah sure it’ll be hard as fuck for a while (preparing for the worst, praying for the best) but then I’ll reach a level of life that I’ve never seen before. I hope im ready for those heights. Journalling really is the best thing I can do these days. That whole stress thing has dissipated in small increments just writing everything down. That was so needed. I need to remember processes are not to be rushed. Getting somewhere fast doesn’t mean it’ll last longer. And if there’s one thing I know about life it’s that I never get things when I want them on time but I always get them. maybe this is no different cause I need to learn something from this before I can upgrade to the next level or maybe I’m thinking about this too much 😂 I should be living. My lifestyle will change sooner than later for the better. Im good enough. I’ve told myself and I believe I’m good enough. :) thank god! Sign out time: 23:15pm sayonara nigga!

[doesntseeyourbeauty]

july 23rd can’t come fast enough

what the fuck do you mean taylors first tour in 5 years starts in about 2 months

[nriacc]

Playing On My Mind | NRIACC: Part 29 |

Nothing Revealed In A Common Crisis

Plot by @imagine-that-100​ and @ghostlightqueen

Written by @imagine-that-100​​

Description: | Here |

Word Count: 19.1k

Warnings: This series contains mature content and themes throughout

A/N: Can't believe this is the second to last chapter before the endings. Hope you all enjoy it and hope you enjoy the final drama I have to offer you all before this rollercoaster of a story comes to an end. Leeds Fest was fucking mental and it was one of the best weekends ever, seeing both bands up close was so stunning and my first time seeing Arctic Monkeys live didn't disappoint at all. And hope anyone getting tickets yesterday and today got them and are happy, I know I am. Anyway, hope you all enjoy this chapter! Thanks a million for reading x

| Series Masterlist | N’s Masterlist | NRIACC Playlists | The Band’s Info | Read on Wattpad | Read on AO3 |

~*~*~*~ August 2019 ~*~*~*~

The dates had snuck up on you. After dismissing the notifications all week about Leeds Fest, it’s finally caught up with you.

Truthfully, you’re scared about the impending ‘I told you so’, even if it didn’t happen in the context Matty thought it would. But it still made you hesitant to even want to sort things out with Matty.

And now you’ve run out of time. You wanted to get things sorted before the August bank holiday weekend so you could see your boys at Reading and Leeds.

But now you’ve left it too long and you’re not sure you can take the heartache of Matty telling you to piss off like you’re sure he would. It’s what you’d have done if you hadn’t just had the massive wakeup call that was your argument with Alex, which was practically yours and Matty’s argument but in reverse.

You truly understand why you must have aggravated Matty so much that night when you kept calling him jealous now, you’d been accused of the same thing. That night you were in the wrong, and you can see that now.

Hindsight is a great thing; you’ve reflected on what happened and realised that you were drunk and completely overreacting. Yes, your feelings were hurt and your feelings on how it happened are still completely valid, but you can now admit to yourself that Matty wasn’t entirely in the wrong.

So that just leaves you with the question, do you go to Leeds Fest and risk being turned away or do you save yourself the embarrassment and wait until your Manchester boys are back?

~*~*~*~ August 23rd 2019 ~*~*~*~

The decision was made for you when you realised that you weren’t even going to be able to catch The 1975 after Reading and Leeds. They were back off to America to finish up their American tour the day after they finished their shows, so Leeds was your only chance.

You didn’t tell anybody you were coming today, and if you were honest, you truthfully only convinced yourself a matter of hours ago that you were actually going to come. That would be why you were running really really late.

So late you missed all of the first day at Leeds and you were only given your passes and wristbands to get in as you could hear their self-titled song play and the audience shouting along. You’ve never stuck a backstage upgrade sticker to your jeans so fast or threw on an All-Access pass so quickly and you ran to the main stage from the drop off point at the guest area. You’ll never thank the boys enough for keeping you on their guestlist.

You get to the side of the stage just after your boys have gone on. And you truly mean you opened the curtain to the side of the stage seconds after they walked on. George had just made it to the kit and the crowd got incredibly loud watching them filter onto the stage.

So you end up watching their set from the side of the stage, just near their guitar techs. You keep out of the way, no one bothering you because of the sticker on your leg which lets you be there. Watching them perform their first single from their new album Notes On A Conditional Form leaves you spellbound as you listen and watch your boys play People for the first time live leaves you in awe.

And seeing the audience enjoying it, after it only being out a day, makes you and the boys on stage so happy. Matty puts on his front man persona and he’s fucking brilliant as per usual. His unhinged behaviour towards Adam makes you giggle, and it does for the rest of the gig.

Hearing Depth before they played Robbers about halfway through the show was new and interesting and seeing their visuals for Notes that Adam had asked you to draw up a few months earlier really make you smile. It’s fucking awesome and a nice change from An Encounter going into one of your favouite songs of theirs.

Falling For You makes you a little emotional, just as 505 does sometimes. It’s another song that’s so deeply rooted into your soul that you don’t think it ever won’t mean the world to you. You find yourself holding your 102 necklace to your heart as you listen to your curly haired brunette sing that one.

Just after this song, Carly finds you standing next to the guitar tech’s station and she pulls you into a hug, completely shocked and ecstatic to see you. She assures you that the boys will be too, which warms your heart a little, but you’re sort of glad they haven’t seen you yet. Praise the huge boxes that they have at each side of the stage.

It doesn’t block your view entirely though. You can see that Matty is wearing the merch that reads ‘This is a Fugazi t-shirt’ that you bought him for Christmas makes you smile. It looks good under his black suit too.

And you certainly don’t miss George stripping off his blazer for a minute whilst he takes his shirt off. You’re almost gutted that he puts the blazer back on and doesn’t stay completely on show for you.

The rest of the show is fucking brilliant and having Carly by you side for the rest of it makes you have an even better time. You laugh, you dance, you both certainly feel like crying with how proud of the boys you are.

But what you weren’t expecting was to see any of them before their show completely finished, but as it turns out they were treating the Notes version of The 1975 as their encore break.

And you only realised that when Ross was walking towards you and his entire face lit up realising you were there watching them just off stage. He rushes towards you, trapping you in a massive hug, “You came!”

“Of course I came.” You chuckle as you wrap your arms around him.

You feel like you’re hugging home as you get to hug your boys. And with each one it makes you more emotional.

George is next over and you don’t think he’s ever looked so excited to see you.

“Baby.” George doesn’t hesitate to offer his arms out for a hug.

“Hiya Georgiepie.” You laugh but you shake your head, “No, you’re so sweaty.”

And you almost mean it. There’s sweat dripping off him, but he is using his towel to try and soak everything up. Truth be told, you’re also still not quite used to him not having long hair anymore, so he looks even sweatier.

“You want to lick me,” George states, not believing you for a second after catching you glancing at his chest, “The least you can do is hug me.”

“No need to out me.” You chuckle when you’re pulled into his sweaty chest, but you don’t complain.  

The second you’re in his arms, he picks you up and spins you around as you hug each other. You can’t stop the laugh that falls from your lips.

When your feet are back on the ground again, you get emotional when you hear your cousin excitedly call out for you, “B!”

“Hiya Bro.” You grin, turning around and rushing into Adam’s arms.

The tears come then when you hold your cousin for a solid minute and tell him just how proud of him you are. Equally, Adam gets just as emotional thanking you for the surprise of you coming and because of the relief of what he’s just accomplished is almost finished.

It truly is a dream come true for him and you can’t wait for him to tell you every tiny detail about how it felt like they all used to do when they came off stage years ago.

After you let your cousin go, you expect the inevitable interaction with Matty which could still go either way, but you don’t find him anywhere near you. In fact, you find him to still be on the stage, clearly not planning to come off at all.

Your cousin informs you that this was in fact always the plan. Matty was going to stay on stage to try and make people listen to the environmental message they were trying to promote, so you keep to the side of the stage with the other boys, who are having a quick but well-deserved drink, and you keep your eyes fixed on Matty.

During the Greta speech, you watch as Matty watches the crowd. The glow from the huge screens on either side of the stage and behind makes it so you can see the crowd stirring, but you know that Matty must just be a silhouette to them.

It’s interesting watching him watch them. Really, all you can see is his body language, but to you it’s like he’s taking everything in. Appreciating every second of seeing everyone there for him, and in this moment they are there for him and only him considering the others aren’t on stage anymore.

It makes you emotional seeing how heavy he’s breathing. This is everything he’s ever wanted. He must be filled with such excitement and joy and every positive emotion that there is, you can’t even begin to think of how overjoyed he must be.

He’s headlined Leeds Fest. Glasgow Summer Sessions is tomorrow, and Reading’s on Sunday. He’s done it.

These were weekends he used to dream of. You remember lying on his bed in Denise’s house back in Wilmslow with Matty’s head on your stomach, your hands playing with his curls, with him telling you all of these hopes and dreams.

And he’s there living it right in front of you. Something which gets you all emotional all over again, leaving you teary eyed as your cousin pulls you into another side hug as you watch Matty slowly pace the stage.

Your curly haired brunette breaks his concentration on the crowd and turns to the side of the stage that you and the band are standing on. And you’re sure he’s searching for George because he looks like he’s about to shout something to him, but when his eyes land on you he stops.

Before you even get to smile or get a hold of your emotions, Matty abandons his position on stage and starts walking straight over. You’re sure your heart stops and you’re certainly holding your breath as he approaches you and you panic a little when Adam lets go of you to clearly give you and Matty a bit of privacy. Not that you even look where your cousin disappears off to though, your eyes are fixed on your curly haired brunette.

Matty comes to the side of the stage, coming into the darkness where you are, and stops a few steps in front of you. All the while you’re still holding your breath, really not knowing how this reaction was going to go.

The yellow glow of the screen at the back of the stage illuminates your curly haired brunette’s face and you truly can’t read him now. He’d been clear as day to read whilst he was performing but him standing here now you can’t pick out anything and his voice doesn’t give anything away either.

He states plainly, void from any emotion, “You’re here.”

You give him a small nod, “Yeah.”

“You’re actually here.” There’s slight shock in Matty’s voice as he takes a step closer.  

“I am.” You say with a little more confidence.  

“Fucking hell Wheels,” Relief pours into your curly haired brunettes voice as he takes a step closer and pulls you into him so he can hug you. Both of you hold each other so tight, you’re certain that you won’t want to let go.

It’s been so long, the embrace actually makes you emotional. It feels so fucking good to be back in your best friends arms, you’ve missed him so fucking much.

“I thought you hadn’t come.” Hearing him say that over the song still coming through the speakers completely breaks your heart.

It’s clear that the both of you are completely overwhelmed by being back in each other's presence you can’t quite believe it. But you assure your curly haired brunette by holding him that bit tighter and you lift your head up from being buried into his chest so Matty hears you.

He can tell just how much you mean it when you say, “Wouldn’t have missed this for the world Matty.”

That seems to make Matty want to see your face then. You’re unsure whether it’s to check if you’re being genuine or not or if he just wanted to reaffirm that you’re actually standing in his arms.

He looks dazed as you take him in. Like he’s not entirely with it, but you know the signs when he’s using so you know that he is 100% sober. He’s just running on pure adrenaline.

And you’re about to tell him how much you enjoyed the show he’d just put on for everyone, but his lips take up yours. The kiss is a shock but not an unpleasant one and you don’t think much about kissing him back.

It’s always been simple between you and Matty. Kissing him is like second nature, something that was always meant to happen between you and who are you to stop it now.

After a few long seconds, the both of you pull away but the feeling it stirs up in both of you definitely lingers. Matty’s thumb stroking your cheek keeps you in the moment and you get lost looking into those beautiful brown eyes of his.

You truly think you could stay in the moment looking at each other like this forever. But the crowd gets a little loud again bringing the both of you out of your little bubble.

Both of you share a smile before Matty drops his hand from your cheek and grabs your hand. He pulls you a little closer to the side of the stage and says, “Wheels, look.”

Due to how important you know this is for him, you’re happy to let your differences slide for tonight. You’ll have a lot to talk about tomorrow and you won’t be letting anything go but you let him have this.

You’re not quite sure Matty knows it’s 2019 anymore anyway. You feel like you’ve been taken back to 2013 and you’re happy to not hold any kiss against Matty tonight. He’s completely overcome with euphoria and you’re not going to ruin that.

The both of you stop with a good view of the thousands of fans filling the field entirely and your heart bursts for your Manchester boys. They truly have done it. They’ve made it and there’s people as far as the eye can see. Just like it was when the Monkeys last headlined.

This somehow feels even more special though. This is all for them. They are the headliners. The last to go on. Everyone is here for them.

You remember Matty’s excited phone calls from back when he was 16 and could go to Leeds Fest for the first time and he’d tell you just how much fun he had and that he couldn’t wait to go the following year. He’d tell you how he waited at the front to see his favourites on the stage and how he promised you that one day when the band was big enough to headline Leeds, he would have your name first on the list to come and see them.

He would tell you about his dreams to headline Leeds Fest, about how it couldn’t be topped by any other gig they could get offered because they had attended this festival since they were allowed to get in. It was such a big part of their childhood and a big part of their drive to be the amazing band that they are.

It’s truly no surprise you have tears in your eyes and you let them well up as Matty traps you in a hug from behind and rests his head on your shoulder so he can take it in too. You’re really not listening to the Notes version of the song The 1975 at this point, you’re just loving seeing the crowd cheer for them, wanting their encore sooner rather than later.

Matty’s voice is the next thing to draw your attention back though. “It’s all for us, Wheels.” Your curly haired brunette whispers in your ear placing a small kiss just below it on your neck.

You correct him, resting your hands over his arms, “It’s all for you, Matty.” and you lean back into him.

“There is no me without you. You’ve given me all of this.” Matty gestures to the crowd in front of you before his arm returns around your waist, “They sing your songs back at me and it’s all for you... I’ll never be able to thank you enough.”

Whilst you appreciate the sentiment, it’s all his creative genius and hard work that’s got him this far. And you’re about to tell him that but the way in which you can feel how much he means the way he says his next sentence makes you not argue.

“You’ve made my dreams come true, Sweetheart.” His arms around your waist squeeze you that bit tighter when he looks over your shoulder to the sea of fans in front of him with glassy eyes. You feel him place a small kiss on your shoulder before he whispers, “This is all I’ve ever wanted.” and you hear his voice crack.

“It’s all you, Matty.” You assure him as you slot your fingers between his so you can sort of hold his hand from the position you’re in.

Both of you watch the restless crowd for a minute more until you know that he’s got to go back on stage. The long speech is about to end when Matty pleads, “Let me hug you.” and you don’t deny him or yourself that pleasure.

Turning in his arms, you wrap your arms around his shoulders as his tighten around your waist. The both of you stand there savouring it with your hearts thudding erratically from the buzz of the gig and you can feel the relief pour into your system that Matty is back in your arms and you already know that everything will be alright between you.

“I’ve missed you so much, Sweetheart.” You almost miss him say because you're so invested in the tight embrace. Things feel right again. He makes you feel like you’re home.

You whisper right into his ear before burying your head into his neck, “I’ve missed you too Curly.”

After a quiet second, Matty starts to say, “I’m s-”

“I know.” You interrupt him because you don’t need apologies now, you don’t need to bring his mood down. “I am too.”

You share a small smile that speaks it all. And for now, that’s all that’s needed.

Hearing that the speech playing through the speakers is almost done, you nod over to the crowd and change the subject when you tell Matty with a grin as the crowd cheers, “I think they want you back.”

“Just a minute more.” Matty doesn’t move his arms from around you, now making both of you sway in your hug and it makes your heart burst the way he looks at you with a big smile on his face.  

You promise him, “I’ll be right here when you get back.” and you end up adding with a cheeky grin.

“Besides, I need to hear that I’ve got a boyfriend anyway.” You laugh a little, smiling up at him so brightly when you plead, “Need you to sing me my song, Curly.”

That seems to make his day because the smile doesn’t leave his face at all. “Is it still your favourite?”

Chuckling you nod, “Yeah. Wore my high tops for you n’ everything.”

“That’s my Wheels.” Matty laughs looking down and seeing that you are indeed wearing your black and white hightop Vans.

“Thank you for coming, Sweetheart.” Matty hugs you that bit tighter before he repeats, “Thank you so much.”

Pulling out of the hug, you stay close. And you let your emotions get the better of you because this time you lean in and kiss him yourself.

Matty responds just how he’s done every other time you’ve kissed each other. This time it’s one that the both of you savour and one that you hope screams ‘I’m so proud of you’.

“I love you.” You tell him when you pull away.

And you know Matty knows you don’t mean that you’re in love with him. You mean it in the way you’ll always love each other. Because regardless of everything else you’re his best friend, which is why Matty doesn’t for a second hesitate to reply, “I love you too.”

After that, you push him back on stage and the others filter past you giving you a smile. Clearly they are all pleased to see you and Matty back to being friends again.

The band go on and give their encore of a lifetime. Love It If We Made It is first and it gets the crowd back into gear straight away. You never for a second thought you’d hear an entire field scream ‘We’re fucking in a car, shooting heroin’ but it makes you giggle when it happens.

Chocolate obviously gets the crowd just as rowdy because even the people that are at this festival that don’t know the band very well all know this song. It’s an old banger that gets everyone going just as much as Girls did.

Your curly haired brunette looked over to you and grinned when the set moved on and he started playing his opening chord of Sex. Teasing the crowd with that D chord which makes all the girls on the barrier scream when they realise what they are about to hear. Matty blows you a kiss just before starting the song off properly which makes you laugh.

However, minutes later you start crying again when Matty tells the crowd to ‘fucking jump’ during The Sound because you can see the sea of people in front of you do exactly what they’re told. It’s fucking mental to you how your boys are making people have the time of their lives, jumping to their live music and it goes as far as the eye can see.

Your heart is bursting for them. You’ve never been so proud.

Coming off stage, Matty kisses you again but once again you just let him because it’s clearly so adrenaline induced. You couldn’t tell him off anyway because George comes off and does exactly the same thing, which you find funny because Matty kissed George on his walkway once they’d finished before the gentle giant threw his sticks.

Ross traps you in the biggest hug that your cousin breaks but you’re only pleased because you can give him the biggest hug. You make sure to tell him just how proud you are and you don’t let him go for a solid while. Not that Adam is complaining, you’re certain he’s trying to take in and process just how much the last two hours have meant to him.

Before any of you know it, there’s an after party happening around you. In The 1975’s section, you end up finding Tim, Matty’s Dad, and you’re pleased to see that he’s doing well.

You don’t think you’ve ever ran into your Aunt or Uncle’s arms faster than when you saw them tonight. Turns out they had been up on the viewing platform above the sound booth in the field so they had a good view of the show so it was so nice to see them just as emotional and proud of Adam and the boys as you.

As the party kicks off you get introduced to a load of people so you do end up losing sight of your family for a while. You were introduced to people like Mike and Ben from Royal Blood, the guys in The Wombats, and Charli XCX, which is still fucking mental to you after being forced to meet multiple celebs over the years.

Before you all got side tracked with the party though, Matty pulled you into their bus with the band whilst they all quickly changed and he was the first to bring up the past. “I know we’ve got a lot to talk about, but can we just have tonight?” Your curly haired brunette asks, “Or we can talk tonight if you want to.”

“It’s okay,” You assure him, because you were going to suggest the same, “We can talk tomorrow.”

Matty smiles at that, appreciating it and now he’s certain that nothing can bring a downer on his night. It just gets even better when he asks with a hopeful grin, “Are you coming to Summer Sessions with us?”

The repetition of ‘please’ in his mind seems to do him wonders because you nod, “If you’ll have me?”

“Course we’ll have you.” Matty grins and who are changing behind Matty near their bunks cheer.

George is the first to bundle out, quickly throwing his arm around your shoulders now he’s freshly dressed and he pulls you into his side. The smirk doesn’t leave his lips as he says, “Yeah, you can sleep in my bed.”

Unsurprisingly, you flirt back with him, “With you there too?”

“Where else?” George gives it right back which makes you want to laugh.

But what actually makes you giggle is when Matty draws your eyes back to him pointing between you and the drummer saying, “I still don’t appreciate this.”

“He is my soulmate to be fair.” You joke, resting your hand on George’s chest and leaning into him a little more.

Matty just ends up rolling his eyes and moving slightly down to his bunk so he can change.

“She’s mine this evening... Come on Y/N/N,” George announces and begins to steer you away as Matty pulls his Fugazi top off, “Can’t have you seeing Matty shirtless again. Hann won’t be the only one upset if you fall for him again.”

Everyone on the bus laughs at that and that was when most introductions were made. By the time the other boys came out, the party was in full swing, yet you seemed to be the only one without a drink in your hands.

That is what prompted you to head to the drinks table which is littered with all the alcohol you could ever want. There’s spirits and mixers on one side of the table, bottles of wine on the other and you’re sure they’ve been expecting a party because there’s no way this was all on their rider.

You make yourself a raspberry gin and tonic, seeing nothing else that you particularly want at this moment in time. And it was an easy option because Ross came over and distracted you with telling you all the fun things he saw in the crowd during the gig whilst he got himself a drink too.

After he’s finished his story though, and you’ve both stopped chuckling, a certain bottle grabs your eye and you pick it out of the mass of them. “Oh my god, there’s strawberry shots.”

The bassist can’t help but find it adorable the way a simple bottle of alcohol seems to brighten your mood instantly.

“Course there is.” Ross grins, picking up the vodka for himself. Nodding to the bottle of sours in your hand, he informs you, “They’re on our rider.”

“Why would they be on your rider?” You can’t help but ask him. None of the lads drink shots regularly. You truly don’t understand why that would be something they would have on their list for every gig.

Spotting your confusion, the bassist finds himself all the more amused. He can’t wait to tell you this one.

“Oh, I love that you don’t know this.” Ross grins to himself as he pours his drink out and he explains, “Every UK show, most Europe shows that are anywhere near the UK, Matty puts strawberry shots on our rider just in case you happen to show up.”

“You’re kidding.” Falls from your lips before you can even process that information.

“No,” Ross grins, reiterating, “Every time.”

“That’s lovely but wasteful if it never gets used.” You can’t help but scorn the idea slightly. What’s the point in having it if no one enjoys it.

“No, it always gets used if we’re drinking before we go on.” Ross assures you, “And if they’re not, we give the bottles we haven’t opened to the staff that help us in the venues.”

You find that to be a kind gesture but you’re still unsure why it’s on their rider if they don’t drink shots themselves, “But you’s don’t really like them.”

“No, but Matty does.” The bassist tells you honestly, “He almost does a little toast by himself each night before taking a shot of it and then going on stage… And we all know he’s doing a little toast to you.”

You can’t quite believe what you’re hearing, “Are you serious?”

“Yeah,” Ross nods, “To me it seems like an innocent little ‘thank you’ gesture he does and then the night moves on… And we all know who’s favourite flavour is strawberry, so we can only assume it’s the one person he’s thanking.” He raises his eyebrows and gives you a knowing look.

You find the gesture sweet if anything. Strawberry shots remind you of Matty entirely. How he would make sure they were always at every party you attended so you never felt left out when you came to Manchester.

Before you can think too much into it, Ross chuckles,  “You did give us all our songs, after all.”

“Oooo, strawberry shots!” A person that appears on the other side of you breaks your conversation by pointing to them, as they say, “They’re my favourite.”

And when you turn to see who else has excellent taste, you find it’s someone you weren’t long ago introduced to.

“Same here.” You smile at Charli XCX, and offer her straight away, “Want one?”

“Please.” She nods.

As you pour the both of you a shot each, Ross leaves the both of you to it. You end up telling Charli that she looks amazing and that you’ve loved her music for a long while which she seems to really appreciate.

And taking the shots together has you becoming even more chatty with each other and you slip into easy conversation. You finish your gin before you even leave the drinks table because you both get so invested in what you’re chatting about.

But then you find that you’re pouring yourself and Charli another strawberry shot. This time as you take it you spot Matty a little bit away from you but he sees you and you lift your red shot in the air to cheers him before downing your second shot. And you find that two each clearly isn’t enough for either of you.

“Christ, we should do these all night,” You smile, almost forgetting completely that Charli just poured you another gin as you poured those previous shots. “Get nice and buzzed quickly.”

“Oh, I support this one hundred percent.” Charli suggests the best idea you’ve ever heard, “Think we should do body shots too.”

“I’m down.” You don’t hesitate to agree but then you pause after having another amazing idea as you pour the both of you another.

Charli seems to note this though, and she asks you, “What’s on your mind?”

“Oh,” You laugh, and decide to tell her the truth, “Just thinking how I can get George to play.”

“Hell fucking yes!” She approves excitedly, picking up the shots and handing you one, “I’ll drink to that.”

As you clink your shot glass with Charli’s, you can’t help but think that you’re going to be so very hungover in the morning. And you won’t regret it a single bit.

~*~*~*~ September 21st 2019 ~*~*~*~

Before you made friends with Matty again, life had been quiet and frankly, you fucking hated it. Not talking to either him or Alex left you bored a lot of the time because in any other circumstances where you were in contact with both of them, they always called you to tell you about anything and everything.

With both of them gone, you found yourself so bored. Now you were back in contact with Matty, he kept you on your toes again. You got texts and phone calls about the most random things that were happening on tour or if he just needed to ask you a quick question.

But in the quiet moments where Matty was busy, you couldn’t help but think that they were usually filled by Alex.

It got you thinking that despite what happened between you and your other best friend, you would rather have him as a friend than no friend at all. You’re not going to pretend that you now approve of his girlfriend, because you really fucking don’t, but you would rather have him in your life and it be slightly awkward than not at all. After all, he put up with you talking about Brandon, you could put up with the mentions of Pauline.

Besides, you want to be the bigger person. You know that the both of you need to apologise for the manner in which you spoke to each other, and you’re more than willing to do that.

However, that seems to be a totally one sided thing. Because everything you try and have been trying for the past fortnight ultimately fails, which has led you to your little breakdown today.

Because you’ve had no contact with Alex for so long, you had little idea of what he was doing since their tour finished early last month. Which means that's why you tried texting and calling Alex sporadically throughout today and when you were constantly left on read or your calls were declined, it made you upset.

Matt could see that Alex was distracted today, more than he has been usually but he hadn’t questioned it. The band was offered a possible last minute festival gig over in Australia so they were practising in Matt’s house in London.

Nothing had been announced yet so they were just running through a possible setlist to see if they wanted to do the gig or not. Matt just thought Alex’s mood was to do with the fact he was still bitter about the fact the rest of the band had sided with you when they were told what happened.

The first time Alex saw them after it, he’d walked in and told them with a ‘can you believe the nerve of her’ attitude. Little did the singer know you’d left Alex’s flat that day and gone straight to Matt’s place in Sheffield.

All of the lads already knew and sided with you. It had been a little uncomfortable since that day but they got on with it like they always did when they were together and one of them was in a mood.

Matt didn’t let his best mate spoil his time with his daughter. Amelia is here with them and whilst they were practising he loved seeing his daughter so happy watching them play and in the gaps between songs Matt let her have a quick go on the drums.

It brought a smile to even Alex’s moody face but of course the smile didn’t last long. Like now, during the 20 minute break they allowed themselves Alex just sits on his phone with a brooding expression.

It completely contrasts with everyone else’s mood. And even the loud ring of the drummer’s house phone doesn’t even cause a raised eyebrow. The singer just stares at his phone blankly scrolling.

Matt answers the phone with a chipper, “Hello?” And everyone can hear the smile on his face and the joy in his voice.

But the smile on his face doesn’t last long.

“Y/N?” Everyone hears the drummer ask, but what becomes clear is that Matt sounds a little panicked when he next speaks, “Hey, woah woah, what's up?”

In his peripherals he sees Matt sit forward a little and says, “Take a few deep breaths for me, Cupcake.”

After a second, Matt gets up and leaves the room and Alex thinks he hears Jamie ask if he’s alright watching Amelia for a bit whilst he’s on the phone. Of course, the guitarist agrees and Matt ends up disappearing off more than likely upstairs so he can talk to you.

“What’s up with Y/N/N?” Alex hears Nick ask Jamie.

“Dunno, haven’t spoken to her since last week… I hope she’s alright.”

“Do you know?” Alex just about hears Nick ask, but he keeps his eyes on his phone,

“Oi.” Nick gets the singer's attention with that and a light kick to his shin, “Do you know what’s up with Y/N?”

“Why would I?” Alex shakes his head, going back to his phone immediately.

“Dunno, maybe because you’re meant to be her best friend.” Jamie says under his breath and pretends he doesn’t hear him as he concentrates on replying to his messages again.

Alex doesn’t care for what you have to say anymore so why would he be in contact with you. With the nasty way you spoke about someone he loves, he doesn’t think you’re worth the time of day.

Each time he looks down at his arm now, reading the tattooed words Bright Angel it leaves him with a bitter taste in his mouth. Maybe he should book the laser removal appointment that Pauline keeps talking to him about.

After a minute, Alex takes the last sip of his coffee and he gets himself up from his seat. It prompts Nick to ask, “Where are you going?”

“To the toilet.” Alex tells him, asking with a bit of humour laced in his voice, “That okay with you?”

“By all means.” Nick chuckles a little before both of their attention goes back to Amelia.

And Alex does quickly use the downstairs toilet, but the singer spots another device in the corner of the dining room as he walks past the door. Curiosity gets the better of the singer as he walks into the room and picks up another of Matt’s house phones. He presses the green button and puts the device to his ear and starts listening into your conversation.

Upset rings clear in your voice as you all but cry down the phone, “He hates me Matt.”

“He doesn’t hate you.” Matt assures you but Alex can picture you sobbing in your flat, presumably in London, although he can’t be sure of your whereabouts these days.

“He does… He all but said it when I last saw him and his actions are speaking louder than words now.” Your choked up voice rings loud in Alex’s ear, and he knows for a fact you’re talking about him when you continue, “You should have seen the way he looked at me. I’ve never once seen him look at me like that.”

“He’ll come to his senses.” Matt tries to tell you and Alex can’t help but find it interesting seeing very clearly who’s side Matt is taking on this matter.

“I don’t think he will.” You choke up again and you start crying again as you tell him, “I can tell he loves her so hearing me call her out must have been the last straw.”

Matt doesn’t know what to suggest to help, instead he pleads, “Please don’t cry Y/N/N.”

“I’ve been crying for weeks.” You sniffle, your voice is a higher pitch and full of distress and Alex can guess that you’ve got your comfort Blur hoodie on today. “He won’t answer my phone calls, he won’t text me back, and I bet if he saw me he’d just look the other way.”

“He wouldn’t.” Matt says a little more sternly but he surprises Alex when he says, “He’s just too proud to say he’s wrong.”

Whilst that enrages Alex so much he has to bite his tongue to stop himself from giving away his spying. But his fury at Matt falls to the back of his mind when he hears you respond.

“I love him Matt, and I’ve never cried so much because I’ve lost someone.”  

It seems to floor Matt, just as much as it floors Alex hearing those words leave your lips. The drummer asks you, disbelief clear in his voice, “You love him?”

“Not like that. I mean in mine and his way… He’s my best friend.” Alex can just about breath again when he hears that. You continue, “Always has been, whether feelings were a part of it or not. It’s always been me and him.”

It feels like a dagger to the heart when Alex hears you say that because he can hear just how much you mean it. But Alex can’t dismiss the sour taste it leaves him with, because he’s not going to go back on what he said because he can’t and won’t believe that someone he loves would treat his best friend like that.

“Yeah I know.” Matt agrees with you, “It’s always been me and Y/B/F and then you and Al.”

“Listen Y/N, don’t worry. Give him some time and-”

You interrupt, “It’s been months Matt.”

“Yeah, but he’s pretty infatuated with this one so I’d expect longer to realise. He’s probably hurt, which I’m really sorry we asked you to do, I really am.” You can hear Matt regrets ever asking you in his voice, and when you told him what happened he apologised profusely too. Matt continues, “Should have all sat him down and had an intervention. But I didn’t think he’d react like that to you.”

“It’s okay. He probably got more of the harsh truth because he got me angry.” You sigh, not knowing what else you can do at this point.

You don’t regret your words, you just regret how angry you got and the way you said everything. Your words still ring true. Pauline is a bitch and Alex deserves better than a snake like her.

Matt shakes his head, still feeling extremely guilty he left you to deal with that on your own. And the guilt can be heard when he says, “Doesn’t mean it was okay what he said back to you. So I’m really sorry.”

“Not your fault, is it?” You sigh.

That leaves Alex feeling unsteady because he does regret the way he blew up at you. But he’s in a stalemate, if he makes friends with you again he’d be in a way betraying his girlfriend and he’s not sacrificing his relationship for you, not again.

Matt distracts Alex again, speaking back up to ask you, “What do you want me to say the call was about if he asks why you were upset?”

“He’s not going to ask. He’s too stubborn to do that.” Alex can picture you shaking your head, “And to be honest, I doubt he cares I’m upset.”

“You know he does.” Matt stops you before you can spiral.

“Not so sure anymore Matt.” You sigh, and your voice gets the tiniest bit choked up again when you say, “I went to try and see him last week, when I was up in Sheffield.”

Matt prompts you to continue, “Yeah?” and Alex internally cringes knowing exactly what his best friend is about to be told.

“I tried to. But I realised that I left my key there when we argued and because he wasn’t answering me. I was just going to go up and stay outside until he talked to me.” You explain, “And when I got there and asked for the spare key at reception and he’d taken me off his list and off as his secondary… I’ve never felt like such an idiot, Matt.”

“Daniel,” The receptionist of Alex’s building, “Looked like he didn’t want to even tell me and when Daniel rang him to see if I could go up I knew straight away that Alex told him no.”

It was true. Alex didn’t let you up. Partly because Pauline was there with him that day and because he’s still so fucking annoyed at you for everything that was said.

“Fucking twat.” Matt scoffs loudly.

“I know he’s a twat Matt, but he’s my best friend and he won’t speak to me… I don’t know what to do… I just want to be the bigger person and make it right.” It pains Matt to hear you get choked up again and he knows you well enough to know that tears must be falling down your cheeks.

Matt causes Alex to panic when he hears him say, “I’ll go get him now.”  

“No, don’t.” You stop him before Alex even gets a chance to pull the phone away from his ear and pretend that he wasn’t eavesdropping.

You continue to persuade Matt to stop, “He didn’t want to see me last week and he’s been declining my calls today. I don’t think he’s gunna have changed his mind in a matter of hours, and if I’m honest, I don’t think I can be told no again.”

Knowing from the silence on the other end of the call, you know Matt doesn’t know what to do or say. So you just try to end the call, “Anyway, I’ll let you get back and I’ll head out to try and stop crying.”

But Matt keeps you on the call, not wanting to end on a sad note, “Found a hiding spot in London yet?”

“Not quite.” You chuckle, knowing Matt knows you liked to disappear somewhere when you’re back home. “I’ll just go for a walk later when it rains to clear my head and so it hides the tears.”

Whilst your words make Alex’s heart ache, you do leave Alex confused though. Does Matt know about your spot in the park back home? He can only assume he now does because you’ve never talked about your hiding spot with anyone but him and Y/B/F as far as he knows. Somehow, Matt knowing about that cherry blossom tree doesn’t sit right with him.

“Please try and stop crying for me.” Matt pleads, and they can both hear you sniffle as you wipe your tears away. Matt suggests, “Have a nap and I’ll come round later.”

“Awh Matt,” You coo, “I forget your single now and that we can have a cuddle.”

The drummer chuckles at that, “The only good thing about Alex being in this relationship is that you have more free time for me and the others now.”

“And I look forward to it.” Your words make Alex frown, “Won’t have to deal with gel in your hair when I mess with it.”

“You say this like we’ve done that loads.” Matt laughs, “And you say that like you and Al just cuddle sometimes.”

“We used to.” Your voice is sombre.

Matt chuckles, “Love that.” knowing that if you’re that close, this separation must be eating you alive.

You’re about to say something else, but a screech giggle from Amelia being chased by Jamie from the room next to the one that Alex is hiding in has the singer panicking a little. Alex very quickly puts his thumb over the end of the phone, blocking it from picking up noise on his end.

But both you and Matt hear it. And Matt is upstairs and his daughter's squeal was muffled and barely audible from the room he’s in, meaning that the drummer knows the noise must have come through a speaker on a different phone downstairs.

And the only person he can think of that would be as low as to not say a word on this call is the one who caused all the issues you’re upset about. Alex.

The drummer doesn’t say anything, mostly because you get there before him and ask, “Oh, do you have Amelia with you? I thought Bre had her up North still.”

Oh shit is Alex’s first thought. Thankfully though, he seems to have gotten away with it

Matt takes a second, but he does end up telling you, “No, she’s here. Bre has gone back to LA to see some old friends for a week whilst I have her.”

“You think I could take her out so I stop crying?” You ask the drummer, your voice full of hope he takes you up on it.

But Alex is praying Matt says no so you don’t come round to get his niece because he doesn’t want to see you. If he heard that you’re coming, he will make a quick exit himself and pretend there’s an emergency or something.

“Course you can.” You can practically hear Matt’s smile, “Doubt Jamie wants her pulling on his hair all the time.”

You giggle at that imagining that visual and Matt is happy he’s somehow made you laugh.

“I’ll come and drop her off.” Matt saves Alex a panic when he tells you that.  

But you try to brush the idea off, clearly not wanting to ruin anyone’s plans, “You don’t have to if you’re busy.”

“I’ll bring her round.” Matt assures you, but then just as Alex is about to hang up his phone, the drummer asks a question that surprises him, “By the way, did you give any thought to Matty’s offer?”

Alex’s first thought is a harsh, Since when did you make friends with Matty?

“Yeah I’ve been thinking about it, I’m still not sure though.” You sound hesitant to even speak the words out loud.

“I think you should go.” Matt surprises you by saying that. But it makes sense when he continues, “It’ll be a nice way to take your mind off the dickhead we both call a best friend.”

You chuckle a little at that before asking, “You really think?”

“Yeah.” Matt encourages you, “You loved our tours so touring with them for the first time properly will be a blast for you, I have no doubt. Even if Matty will wear you out.”

“When doesn’t he?” You laugh at that.

Alex wants to throw the phone. Even more so when he hears what the drummer says next. And Matt’s words are strategic because he knows it’s not a private phone call.

“And after what you said happened at this year’s Leeds Fest after party, I’m sure you’ll have a right good time.” Alex and you can hear Matt’s teasing smirk as he says that.

“Okay Matt, I told you that in confidence.”

It’s at this point, the singer decides he’s done enough earwigging because the mere thought of something happening between you and Matty at Leeds Fest has Alex seething. Not because he’s jealous, but because he was exactly right with what he said to you. You’d just gone straight back to Matty because you couldn’t have him. It’s pathetic.

He silently presses the red button on the house phone and puts it back in the holder before returning to the rest of his band and his niece. Alex just pulls out his phone when he enters the room but Nick does ask him, “Where have you been?”

“I told you I was going to the toilet.” Alex dismisses him and sits down on the settee waiting for Matt to return so they can get back to their jam session like he doesn’t already know Matt’s going to end it early.

And it only takes a few minutes for Alex to get deep into a conversation with Pauline for his mind to forget everything else around him. He’s not even really paying attention when his best friend comes back downstairs and calls for his daughter, “Amelia?”

Matt’s little girl turns to him and he asks her with a grin, “You want to go and watch the princesses with Auntie Y/N/N?”

“Yes!” The little girl cheers and all the lads but Alex find themselves smiling at her excitement.

“Come on then, Darling.” Matt holds out his hand to his daughter, “Let’s go see her.”

At that Alex picks his head up. They were meant to be doing something. Surely he could just take Amelia after they were done? They only have 15 minutes of their set left to go through.

“We’re meant to be practising.” Alex states blankly, coming across frosty because of the shit that Matt had been chatting about him on the phone.

It stings knowing that two of your closest friends are plotting against you and all that hurt comes out as icey anger. But clearly, Alex isn’t the only one feeling that way.

“And you’re meant to be a nice person.” Matt backchats in a way no one in the room expected.

It’s venomous, leaving Alex speechless for a few seconds and the other lads shocked.

“Come on Princess,” Matt looks down at his daughter and smiles as he tells her, “You run upstairs and get your pyjamas and some toys you want to take.”

Alex, still feeling hurt by everything, asks in a bitter and expectant tone, “How do you expect us to do anything whilst you’re not here?”

They were meant to be having a 20 minute break before getting back to it. This really wasn’t the time to be bailing.

“Do it acoustic.” The drummer brushes them off and turns as if to go upstairs to follow his daughter who’s already ran up to her room.

That just infuriates Alex even more though. The singer gets up and tries to get his best mate's attention, annoyance clear in his voice, “Matt.”

But that was the drummer's last straw. Alex is a little shocked when Matt turns around with vengeance, looking Alex dead in the eye as he walks back towards him.

“Don’t think I couldn’t hear you on that call. You’re a fucking twat, Alex!” The drummer seethes. Anger takes over as he continues, “You’re fucking lucky she wants anything to do with you after the shit you’ve put her through for the past fifteen years and the fact you didn’t speak up when you heard her crying like that shows me just how much she deserves better.”

“It’s got nothing to do with you.” Alex shakes his head, not wanting to hear any of this bullshit today.  

“It had nothing to do with her!” Matt yells back, “But we asked her to talk to you!”

Matt is shaking his head, his voice slightly quieter now but with just as much disgust laced into his tone, “Didn’t know you could be such a dickhead to the woman you’ve loved for half your life.”

Alex bites back, “Maybe she shouldn’t have said shit about my girlfriend!”  

That makes Matt’s blood boil. He almost laughs as he points out what’s so clearly not going through his friend's thick skull, “Your girlfriend who’s using you to promote her own music.”

Matt’s clearly lost his patience as he shakes his head at Alex, looking completely dumbfounded that his friend could be so blind, “You know, I thought you were meant to be clever…Turns out you're the thickest one of us all.”

“What am I meant to do, Matt?!” Alex blows up now, his voice louder and firmer as he asks his friend for more clarity. “Because she was asking me to choose between her and my girlfriend and, for once, I'm not hung up on her… I’m fucking happy! But the moment I am, she always comes back. And I’m sorry, but I’m choosing to be happy this time.”

“The fact that you think Y/N would ask you to choose between her and someone you’re seeing is honestly fucking hilarious.” Matt wants to laugh at just how stupid his best friend is being, “You do realise that is the furthest from the truth you’ve ever been, right?”

And when the drummer is met with nothing but silence and raised eyebrows, he starts counting up on his fingers. One, “You lied your way into bed with her on our second tour.”

Alex scoffs and rolls his eyes at that, “Are you really bringing up somethi-”

“Yes I am!” Matt shouts over him to shut him up. The volume makes Nick and Jamie jump, and they both certainly weren’t envying Alex being on the receiving end of Matt’s anger. “Because you need to hear it!”

“You had a fucking girlfriend and you cheated your best friend into bed.” Matt continues, his anger only getting more intense, “And when you blanked her - only having eyes for Alexa all of a sudden - Y/N could have told Alexa what was going on as soon as she realised that you were already in a relationship… But did she? No. Because she’s always wanted you to be happy. So much so that she put up with you and Alexa for the rest of that tour when almost every night one of us caught her crying.”

“And you think she’s the selfish one.” Matt dryly laughs at that before raising his second finger and continuing to spell it out for Alex, “She was ecstatic for you when you started going out with Arielle.”

Alex tries to dismiss the claims by saying, “Because she was with M-”

“It doesn’t matter if she was with Matty or not.” Matt interrupts, almost wishing to a higher power that he could just make his best friend see what’s right in front of him, “This is about her putting you first. And she always has done.”

His third finger comes up when he says, “She stayed your friend after you called her a slut and a whore when she’d been seeing you, and only you, for months on end.”

Being met with more silence to that, Matt raises his fourth finger, “She still became your best mate after you led her on and got with someone else when you first slept with her too. That’s not sounding selfish of her when she could have just let Joanna carry on cheating as payback, is it?”

Putting his fingers down now, Matt can’t be arsed seeing that there is no remorse at all on Alex’s hard face that hasn’t moved a muscle. His jaw is locked and that’s it. He just looks appalled that the conversation is even happening and that pisses Matt off more.

“To be honest, with your track record it’s a fucking surprise you didn’t lead her on after you fucked in January.” Matt hopes that hurts his friend, along with, “And the fact you didn’t believe her when she told you what Pauline said about Y/B/F, her, and her scars… You’re a fucking disgrace Turner. I’m embarrassed to say you’re my friend.”

Thankfully, Alex is saved by the sound of Amelia running back down the stairs. It momentarily distracts everyone from the suffocating tension in the room as they look down at the little girl who now has her shoes on and her Tangled backpack stuffed to the brim with everything she wanted to take with her.

Matt smiles down at his little girl, and holds his hand down for her to take, “Come on Princess… Did you get your pyjamas?”

Nodding, Amelia goes on to ask excitedly, “Am I having a sleepover at Auntie Y/N/N’s again?”

“You are.” Matt smiles, and the way his little girl jumps up and down.

After a little cheer from Amelia, everyone can see that an idea of some sort must pass through her mind because the little girl stops in her tracks. And no one expects her to take a step towards her Uncle and ask, “Are you coming too, Uncle Alex?”

Alex can’t bring himself to answer her. The fact that the lads didn’t even know he’d gone and stayed the last time played a part in that, but mostly because he didn’t want his goddaughter to be upset.

“No.” Matt answers for him, and drops another pointed statement, “Uncle Alex needs to sort himself out before he sees Auntie Y/N/N again.”

Amelia’s face falls hearing that answer. She pouts looking from Alex back to her Dad and tells the room, “But last time Uncle Alex kissed Auntie Y/N/N to save her from the wicked witch and we all had a sleepover.”

Matt looks from his little girl back to his best mate to see him standing sheepishly in the corner looking to the ground. And he recoils even more when Matt asks, “Did he now?”

And the last sleepover Amelia had with you was back in February, which Matt and the others know to be not long after you and Alex last got together. They can picture the flirting that Amelia wouldn’t really understand. And they could picture Amelia forcing the two of you into a kiss that the both of you truly wouldn’t have minded doing.

Matt forces himself to smile at his daughter and suggest to her, “Well you’ll have to save her this time, won’t you?”

With that Matt walks himself to the lounge door, leaving his daughter to run to his front door and wait for him there. The drummer turns back and tells his best friend sternly, “You better fucking sort yourself out, Alex… Either listen to what we’re all telling you or get off your fucking high horse and just apologise for being a twat to her and have your cake and eat it.”

Looking to the guitarist, Matt asks and nods goodbye, “J, please lock up for me. I’ll see you both at some point soon I’m sure.”

A look of disappointment is the last thing Matt leaves Alex with and after Matt walks out the room stays silent and awkward until they hear a car start and drive away. In that time, Alex collects his thoughts but he doesn’t dare look at his other friends.

They are waiting for him to explode, neither knowing when it will come. But they feel like it’s about to happen.

Surprisingly though, the first thing from Alex’s mouth that they hear is a calm question that at first is directed at the bassist, “Do you feel the same?”

Nick simply nods, not needing to say anything more after Matt just spelled it out for him.

“And what about you?” Alex looks at Jamie.  

“She’s using you, Alex.” The guitarist doesn’t look like he wants to say it but it doesn’t stop him from continuing, “I’m sorry, but it’s the truth and we’re worried about you. And the way you treated Y/N wasn’t okay.”

The singer doesn’t know what more can be said after this. It leaves him with nothing but a full ache in his chest and a lot of thoughts whirring around his mind. The most prominent being that all his so-called friends despise him and hate his girlfriend.

“Where are you going?” Nick asks the singer as he stalks towards the lounge door.

They just about hear Alex’s response before the front door slams shut, “Home.”

~*~*~*~ October 17th 2019 ~*~*~*~

“I still can’t believe both you and Charli did body shots off George at the Leeds after party.” Ross laughs at you.

“I think that night was the best night of my life.” You giggle.

Christ, you never want to forget that night. You definitely bonded with Charli XCX for life and you find yourself thinking about licking the salt for your tequila shots off George’s torso more times than you’re willing to admit. Even more so when you’re drunk, like you currently are.

Tour so far had been really fun and you were so beyond thankful you took the opportunity to join them. It felt like constant life in Manchester but yet there was always something to do or keep you busy.

This specific tour for your boys has been different for them also. Mainly because this time they were recording the rest of Notes On A Conditional Form on the road, so instead of a back lounge like you were mostly used to on tour buses, they had a mini studio setup.

In reality, it turned into Matty and George’s little creative hub. Ross turned up when he needed to and Adam offered his guitar solos that he thought of on the spot after what they initially had come up with and you were a happy bystander for most of it.

However, you tried to leave them to it most of the time so you didn’t interfere with their creative process and you stuck to your own on the table in the lounge. You brought a few sketchbooks with you and some watercolours but you were just doing it mostly for fun and to keep you entertained.

Ross and Adam kept you busy when they weren’t needed to record and Matty and George worked long hours to try and mix and produce everything before sending it off to be mastered. When those two did get some rest though, you found that everything was quite similar to back home.

Matty would chat everyone's ear off and this time with him bringing his VR headset on tour with him, that would keep the lot of you entertained. When you wanted to rest or chill out though, all of them offered you a cuddle on occasion.

You found yourself cuddling up to George most nights when films were put on for you all to watch in the lounge after their gigs. Adam hated witnessing it, and he surprisingly had less complaints when he saw you almost falling asleep on Matty’s shoulder which didn’t make much sense to you. Regardless though, you like teasing your cousin so you’ll cuddle any of them if it conjures an unpleasant reaction with Adam.

George kept yours and his flirting to a minimum, mostly for Matty’s sake but you’re fairly certain that your curly haired brunette is used to it by this point. After the Leeds Fest after party he certainly should be anyway.

“I don’t wanna hear about it.” Adam scorns both you and Ross for bringing the body shot incident back up which makes the both of you drunkenly giggle.

Tonight, you all opted to have a few drinks together as it was a day's drive into the next state to continue to the next show on their tour. You cracked open a bottle of red wine which you and Matty were initially sharing before he disappeared off a few hours ago to write down a few more song ideas in the back lounge.

George and you got flirtier as you got more tipsy which made Adam want to launch himself out and under the moving bus. But unfortunately that came to an end when George fell asleep an hour ago after getting too drunk.

Ross made him go to bed though so the both of you and your cousin could continue drinking without needing to be quiet. And when he did, you did continue on until Adam said he was tired and headed to bed and Ross decided to do the same.

If you hadn’t just cracked open another bottle of wine before they abandoned you, you’d probably do the same, but you’re not one to waste a fresh bottle. So you decide to pour yourself another glass and pour another for your curly haired brunette who you hadn’t seen in a while.

You silently walk through the bunks so you don’t disturb anyone and you head into their studio to find Matty sitting at the desk with his airpods in and he’s scribbling away into what you know to be his lyric book. Straight away you know he’s not spotted you, so you silently put your drinks down in the holders in the desk before you hug Matty from behind.

Your arms go over his shoulders and down around his neck and you bury your head into the top of his. Only when you see Matty abandon his book and he takes his airpods out do you say a soft, “Hey Curly.”

“Hey Sweetheart.” Matty says back just as gently, and his hand comes up to your arm to gently stroke it.

“You okay?” Your question is a little muffled as you bury your face into his curls that currently smell like almonds.

He nods the tiniest bit as he confirms, “Yeah, I’m good thank you.”

“Good.” You kiss the top of his head before you offer him one of the glasses you just put down, “I brought you some wine.”

Matty smiles, “Thank you.” as he happily takes it from you.

You lean against his desk as you take a small sip of your own drink and curiously ask, “How’s the writing going?”

“It’s getting there.” Matty smiles up at you, “Slowly, but I’m getting there.”

You grin and nod at that, not looking at what he’s written because you don’t want to pry. Much like Matty never pries at what poems you’re writing down in your book. However, there is one question on your tipsy mind that you’re sure will get you a fun reaction.

“You writing me another new song, Curly?” You ask with a smile.

Matty can’t help but chuckle, “‘When aren’t I’ is the question you should be asking.”  

“Christ.” You hum, shaking your head in fake disapproval as you take what is usually George's seat just beside him at the desk.  

You’ve come to accept that you’re probably always going to have songs written about you at this point. And as long as they aren’t nasty ones, like you found Too Much To Ask and originally perceived Change Of Heart to be, you don’t particularly mind.

“No, you know I’m not doing it because I’m trying to get you back. You’re happy on your own and I’m really not trying to change that.” Matty swears, and he looks at you like he’s about to blush when he admits, “But people want love songs and you’re my map for love and relationships.”

Whilst that is really heartwarming, you can’t help but remind him, “You had a girlfriend before me, you know?”

“Yeah, but I was in love with you long before and for the whole time I was with her.” Matty explains, “I loved her too but it wasn’t a patch on what I felt for you.”

You can’t help but smile at that because you feel the same. Your curly haired brunette continues to spill his thoughts on the subject, “I’m just glad I got a good basis of what it’s meant to feel like so I can write about it… Least I’m not delivering mixed messages to people because I thought something was love and it wasn’t.”

“Yeah, like me with Peter.” You nod, completely understanding where he’s coming from because you had the complete opposite experience, “I really thought I was so in love with him. It’s comical thinking back to it. It was fully manipulation by the end of it…”

And you’re being entirely truthful when you tell him, “I’ll never be so glad that we kissed that night in your room.”

Your curly haired brunette shakes his head a little, trying not to grin as he sighs, “Still can’t believe you told him and didn’t just break up with him.”

“Maybe I subconsciously knew I needed to get out of it and I wasn’t strong enough to do it myself so I gave him the reason to.” You shrug, really not knowing why.

If anyone treated you now the way Peter treated you at the end of your relationship, you would break up with them in an instant. That shite was something you would in no way put up with today and you wish younger you would have realised that a hell of a lot sooner.

“Maybe.” Matty nods and watches as you take a sip of your wine. He can’t help but ask curiously, “Who’s your basis of love?”

You take a second to genuinely think about it before you start, “I think Kyle was a good map for it. I learned a lot of it from you. Felt it so intensely, I knew we were meant to be even if it was just for the time we were.” Pausing for a second more, you add, “And I learnt a bit from Alex too… I don’t know. Every experience makes up who we are and where it leads us into the next relationship, right? That’s why you keep wanting to write songs about love because it’s changed a bit and it’s different.”

“Yeah,” Matty nods, “I guess so.”

Both of you take another sip of your drinks at the same time then, leaving a comfortable silence between you where you’re both clearly thinking about what you’ve just been talking about. Matty grinning to himself is the only thing that brings you out of it because you nudge him and raise your eyebrows, silently asking, ‘what?’.

“I’ll say it, as long as you know I’m not trying to cause more shit.” Matty says and when you nod, you prompt him to continue, “But if I lost my virginity to you, I’m afraid I would have never let you out of my sight again.”

“Christ,” You can’t help but giggle at this comment. However, you do slightly cringe at your next thought, “I actually dread to think how many times teenage you wanked over me before we actually got together.”

“Oh Sweetheart,” Matty chuckles, “Every day from the moment I met you.”

Shaking your head, you tell him, “You’re mingin’” as you try not to laugh so he can see your disapproval. But it’s too funny not to giggle at.  

Matty grins, “Ah, but you love me though.”

You hum in agreement, compromising with, “I guess you’re bearable now you’re in your thirties.”

“Wow, thank you.” Your curly haired brunette laughs, “What actually made you go for me in the end? Or did I just wear you down?”

Matty can tell you know the answer straight away. But just from the way you look at him, he knows you’re embarrassed to admit whatever it is.

“You want the god's honest truth?” You ask him with an amused look in your eyes.

“Yeah.”

“It was your glasses.” You admit and you feel your cheeks go hot as soon as the sentence leaves your lips.

Matty can’t believe it. He has to ask again, “My glasses?! Are you kidding?”

“No.” You shake your head, and you’re almost hiding behind your glass of wine as you tell him your secrets, “Those thin wired glasses with your curls… There was something about you. You looked older that year too and with the glasses, they just made you really attractive.”

At that point, Matty runs a hand through his curls, and trails off looking to the roof of the bus,  “You’ve gotta be kidding me…”  

“Is it so hard to believe?” You smile, quite enjoying the look of disbelief written across his face.  

“That you let me go through with my laser eye surgery? Yeah.” Matty nods and looks you in the eye like he’ll never forgive you and you can’t help the ugly laugh that leaves your lips.

The comfortable silence comes over the both of you again then. You find yourself thinking about their music again and how incredible it usually is, whether it ends up being happy or sad, but you have to find out for your own peace of mind.

“Is it a sad love song or is it a me and you together song?” You ask after a minute, glancing back to his lyric book that’s still lying open on the side.

“It’s a me and you together song.” Matty smiles at that and very quickly writes something down in his book, but it’s the grin on his face that warms your heart.

Nodding, you don’t pry much into the lyrics he’s written down. Instead you look towards the computer and cheekily ask him, “When do I get to hear it?”

“When it’s finished.” Matty smiles and you chuckle, as you should have expected that response.  

“And when will that be?”

Matty’s smile gets bigger then, and he even closes his lyric book as he asks you, “Since when did you become Miss Impatient when it came to new music.”

“I’m just intrigued by this album.” You tell him truthfully. “It’s different and I’m curious and I like it.”

It’s true. You caught the beginning of a song being recorded that Matty told you afterwards was going to be called Frail State Of Mind and it sounded so different from anything that you’ve heard from them before, you were really intrigued.

“Just prewarn me,” You ask with a grin, “Are all the bops about me again?”

“There’s actually one that’s not about you at all.” Is a sentence from Matty you never expected him to say in the slightest but it made you so excited.

“What?!” You gasp and laugh, “I never thought I’d see the day.”

“Yeah,” He chuckles, “Gabby beat you to it I’m afraid.”

“Damn. Can’t wait to hear that one.” You’re grinning like an idiot at this point.  

But seeing that reaction just makes Matty want to postpone the inevitable so he can continue to see you that happy. So he tells you, “Might make you wait for that one then.”

“Gee, thanks.” You chuckle before finishing off the last of your wine. The bus sways beneath you and you end up in another comfortable silence. But this time you break it and ask, “You know I’m really proud of you, right?”

“I do.” Matty nods and you’re really happy that he knows you’re being sincere when you say it.

After the both of you share the brightest and most heartfelt grin, you ask your curly haired brunette, “Do you wanna stop now and watch True Romance with me?”

“Way to twist my arm Sweetheart.” Matty smiles and stands himself up, before taking your hand and pulling you up with him.

And the both of you cuddle together and watch your favourite film with the bus gently rocking the both of you to sleep.

~*~*~*~ November 5th 2019 ~*~*~*~

“Wheels,” Matty shouts you over from the other side of the shop. As you turn to look at him, you see him wave you over.

When you get close to him, he gestures towards his feet and asks, “What do you think?”

“Oh Christ.” You chuckle as you look down to see he’s got brown cowboy boots on.

Today the both of you were out for a wander around whilst you were in Tennessee. The band has a show in Nashville so you and Matty had gone exploring and of course, Matty being Matty, found a shop that sold cowboy boots so he wanted to go in and look around.

You should have known you couldn’t leave him unsupervised whilst you looked around what else the shop sells without him letting curiosity get the best of him.

“Hey, they look good.” Matty frowns at you playfully as you walk over. He gestures to a woman you hadn’t previously seen (because you were concentrating on his shoes) who's standing not too far from him and he says, “Ella here was just giving me advice on which are the comfiest. What do you think?”

Your eyes move to the woman that you now know to be Ella. She’s pretty, really pretty, and she looks to be around yours and Matty’s age and you can tell that she’s from around here purely because of her outfit, which makes her someone even more stunning.

And you can tell this because she’s not dressed like a tourist like you and Matty are. She’s not in a uniform, showing that she doesn’t work here, and she’s wearing worn cowboy boots (which really suit her), ripped jean shorts, and a nice vintage Gorillaz top on.

She looks a lot more natural here than you do or Matty does in his blue jeans and a white and red Harvard top.

“Best to get your advice from a local rather than me Matty.” You smile at him, and then turn to the girl Matty has clearly befriended and offer her a handshake as you introduce yourself, “Hi, nice to meet you, I’m Y/N.”

“Ella.” She smiles and she doesn’t hesitate to shake your hand, “Nice to meet you.”

Your smile gets bigger when you see that on the top of her right hand, she has a tattoo that reads ‘Pure Desire’. Hot is all that comes to mind when you see that.

You ask her as you let go of her hand, “You’re from around here then?”

“Yeah, born and bred here in Tennessee. I’m not from Nashville though, I’m from Manchester.” She nods, her accent coming out more when she says, “‘Bout an hour South-East from here.”

“No way,” You grin, “He’s from Manchester too. Just the UK one instead.”

“Ah nice.” That brightens Ella’s smile a little.

“What do you do over in this Manchester? Or do you help excited grown men find their perfect pair of cowboy boots often?” You can’t help but tease Matty as you talk to her.

Ella at first laughs off your latter question, saying a quick no before she tells you both, “I actually work as a PA for a company called Focus Creeps in LA. I’m just home visiting family this week.”

“Focus Creeps?” That name really rings a bell and you’re unsure why. You can’t help but ask out loud, “Why do I know that name?”

You’re hoping that maybe Matty will have heard of them, but he shrugs. Christ, he’s really no help at all.

Ella offers an explanation for you, “Well you may have heard of the company because they make music videos, maybe?”

From this, you know that she knows Matty’s in the band, which is cool that she’s being so calm about it. It makes sense considering you know she’s got to be professional for her job if she’s making music videos constantly, amongst other things, with other artists.

“Ah maybe,” You can’t help but pry, “Done any for anyone interesting that we’d have heard of?”

“British artists,” She thinks for a moment before listing a few off, “We've done a few for Peter Perrett, Arctic Monkeys, and King Kurle. People like that.”  

“Ah that’ll be it.” You smile, loving a happy coincidence. You gesture between you and Matty and tell her, “We’re good friends with the lads in Arctic Monkeys.”

Matty nods in agreement and backs you up, telling her as he gestures to you, “She is their best mate since childhood.”

Ella’s face seems to brighten at that, like she’s getting to meet an old friend. She’s almost excited when she says, “Oh god, I think I remember Matt telling me about you… Does he still like to make people feel uncomfortable if they’re embarrassed?”

That confirms to you she knew them a lot better than you would have previously imagined. Matt won’t just embarrass anyone, only people he knows well.

“Oh, all the time.” You laugh, “I’m forever tired of Helders embarrassing me. When did he get you?”

“On pretty much all of their Suck It And See music videos,” Ella grins at the memory, “And when they invited me on that short tour they did before they recorded the R U Mine music video.”

The mention of that particular tour unlocks a memory for you, and you have to ask just to make certain of something, “God, he’s really relentless, isn’t he? How long has it been since you’ve seen them?”

“All together, last time was that video shoot. R U Mine.” Ella confirms it for you and you have to not let a smile slip onto your face, showing that you figured it out.

Thankfully Matty interrupts quickly, not surprising considering you and Ella had become so invested in your own conversation that you almost forgot he was there. Your curly haired brunette tells you, “I’m gunna go pay for these boots whilst you two chat.”

Both of you nod, Ella smiling and you pretending to roll your eyes at his purchase. Matty just knocks his hips into yours though as a silent shut up which makes you laugh as he picks up the box and the shoes he came in with and walks over to the other side of the shop to pay.

“How are they? It’s been so long since I’ve spoken to any of them.” Ella asks you after Matty disappears, “Breana is the only one I’m still in contact with. Didn’t feel quite right reaching out to Matt after everything that went on there at the beginning of the year.”

Knowing what you know now, you feel good enough to tell her the truth considering she clearly knew them well.  

“They are good. Matts doing better, focusing on Amelia. Jamie and Katie are great and Nick is doing great also.” You nod, pleased to tell her everyone’s okay.

Ella subtly blushes when she asks, “And Alex?”

You smile, noting the tint to her cheeks as you’re honest with her and tell her in a little jest, but she knows you’re not joking, “Currently not talking to him whilst he has this new bitch of a girlfriend, but as far as I know he’s alright.”

You’re still annoyed at your other best friend. Still, he isn’t answering your calls, yet he seems to always watch your Instagram stories so you know he’s still ignoring your calls and texts on purpose. However, you’ve been good as of late. You’ve almost stopped trying entirely as you’re sure he’ll come crawling back when he realises how wrong he is about the French bitch.

She nods at that, her cheeks getting slightly less pink when she chuckles, “Didn’t he shave his head?”

You laugh at that and nod, “That was my doing, but I’ve been told it’s growing back now.”

Ella chuckles at that herself, and then you feel compelled to ask her, “How are you? So I can let them know.”

“I’m doing okay, thank you.” She smiles, “Since they last saw me not much has changed. Still loving Focus Creeps and life is good.”

“I’m so glad.” You smile, genuinely meaning every word.

You just know each of the Monkeys would absolutely love the coincidence that you’ve met one of their old friends. And you can’t wait to phone Matt later on and tell him.

“Please send them all my love when you next speak to them or see them.” Ella says with a grin.

“Can send them yourself if you want? I could get your number and pass it on to them if you want?” You offer, “They go through numbers like it’s a lucky dip.”

“Would you?” The whole of her face lights up when she says, “I’d love to speak to them again.”

“Course.” You nod and you get your phone out so she can type her number in.

The both of you chat whilst you’re doing this and afterwards she stays chatting to you. That is until Matty wanders back over to the both of you with his new boots on still and the shoe box now in a carrier bag and on the way back over he must have put a white cowboy hat on which has you shaking your head at him.  

He nods to the bag in his hands and announces to the both of you, “All bought up.”

“Love them.” You entertain him and smile. But you tell him, “You can put the hat down though.”

“Can’t.” Matty grins at you, “Bought it.”

You roll your eyes playfully before saying, “You shouldn’t be left unsupervised.”

Matty chuckles but ignores your comment and looks to your new friend to say, “Thank you for the recommendations Ella.”

“My pleasure. You chose the best place to come.” She smiles, “Hat suits you.”

“Told you Wheels.” Matty gives you a shit eating grin as he nudges you, “Also, sorry to interrupt but I've just seen the time, we’ve gotta run back to the bus.”

You look at the time on your phone quickly and your eyes go wide. It’s 4:30 and you both told the others you were meeting them back at the bus at 5 so you could all go out for a meal.

“Lovely to meet you Ella.” You offer her a big smile.

“Likewise.”

“I promise I’ll pass your number on and good luck with everything Focus Creeps.” You mean every word you say, and you just know, “The lads will be thrilled to know you’re doing well.”

“Thanks so much Y/N.”  

“You know if you’re free tomorrow night you should come to The 1975’s gig.” You offer, knowing Matty wouldn’t mind and it would also give you a friend at the side of the stage.

Ella looks a little taken aback at that, but she gives the both of you a surprised smile and says, “I’d love to, if that’s alright with you?” and double checks with Matty.

“Course,” Matty nods, and he pulls out his phone asking her, “What’s your full name? I’ll text to get you on the guestlist now.”

“Ella Hayes.” She tells him and you make a mental note to tell Matt later.

“Sweet.” Matty smiles and after sending a quick text to Jamie, he nods, “Got you down. We’ll see you tomorrow. We’re playing at Ascend Amphitheatre.”

You also chip in and add, “I’ll text you so you have my number so I can come and bring you in when you get there.”

“Thanks so much.” She grins.  

“No, thank you.” Matty’s got the biggest grin on his face as he says, “I’ve never wanted anything more than cowboy boots and a hat.”

Ella genuinely means it when she says, “Pleasure was all mine.”

“See you tomorrow.” You grin as you and Matty start to head out.

“See y'all tomorrow.” She gives you a little wave and the both of you wave to her before heading out of the shop.

The walk back is about half an hour, so the both of you know that Adam will probably scorn you when you do reach the bus. But you’d had a lovely day out with Matty and you can just blame him for buying cowboy boots and you’re sure Adam will understand and blame your curly haired brunette instead of you.

The both of you chat whilst you walk and you talk about today's adventures and what you were going to have for your tea. But the both of you ended up steering back to the interaction you had not so long ago.

Matty, almost out of the blue, is the one who says, “She’s pretty.”

“Who?”

“Ella.” He confirms.

“She is.” You nod, agreeing entirely. But you encourage him, “You should get her number for yourself tomorrow.”

Matty smiles at that but shakes his head, “I’m fine being a single pringle like you right now. Don’t think my heart could hack another distance thing anyway… Not brave enough for that yet.” From that you know he’s still not quite fully over the hurt that was Gabby leaving. However, in a bit of jest, he adds, “She seems more Alex's type than mine anyway.”

“Funny you should say that,” You grin, finding it funny that it wasn’t just you that noticed. “I remember being told back in the day that they were quite smitten with each other.”

Matty’s jaw drops, “No way.”

“Yeah. Matt told me about the PA from the music videos and how he was relentlessly teasing Alex enough to try and make a move after him and Alexa split.” You tell him what you’re sure you recall. “I believe he took her on a date and from the way she blushed when I mentioned him, I think she’s definitely the one they told me about.”

The coincidence really was insane. And you were sure that she was one of the friends that Breana said that she saw when she came back over here to see her old friends.

Matty says what you’re thinking out loud, “That’s fucking mental she was in the same shop as us.”

“Isn’t it!” You nod.  

Matty agrees, “Like fate or something… And it really is, because I only ended up chatting to her because I saw her ‘Divine Feminine’ tattoo on her thigh when I was sitting down to try the boots on and I said I liked it. It’s really fate, Wheels.”

Any other time, you’d be able to agree with him. But right now, you can’t help but laugh at the sight of him next to you. “Sorry, I can't take you seriously. Take that ridiculous hat off.”

That cowboy hat just looks fucking huge on his head. You can’t stop yourself from giggling.

“No, it suits me.” Matty grins, nudging you playfully as you walk. “I’m going on stage in it tomorrow. Boots as well.”

“Kill me now.” You laugh.  

~*~*~*~ November 11th 2019 ~*~*~*~

Like you thought, the Monkeys - or the ones you’re currently speaking to - were all so happy to get back in contact with Ella. And Ella was such a lovely person to spend time with, you weren’t surprised they wanted her number faster than you could type it.

The night she came to The 1975 gig, the both of you had a blast. You had drinks together and you were dancing at the side of the stage and even on the songs she didn’t know, she had praises to sing about Matty and the other boys.

She blushed when she met George, as most people tend to do and you’re sure it’s the height difference that causes most of it. But the both of you partied away until it was time to say goodbye to one another. It was sad to see her go but you had no doubt if you ever found yourself over in the US again, you’d make an effort to see her.

As for the rest of the 1975’s tour, you had a blast. It was so much fun being with them on the road. You’re a little gutted you’d never experienced it with them before but this tour certainly made up for lost time.

Your favourite day was the day that you and Matty brought your skateboards into the empty arena. The floor being concrete meant that it was so smooth and easy to skate around, it was really fun. You didn’t even stop when the boys were forced on stage to sound check.  

Listening to them and skating around was really fun. And it was even fun once they were pretty much done soundchecking and Matty said down the microphone, “Sweetheart, do a kick flip.”

Being near the front of the pit, you go a little closer to the stage and you shout up, “Do you want me to break my ankle?”

Matty rolls his eyes, and points down to you to say, “Just do it. Unless you’ve lost your touch and you can’t.”

That makes you want to prove your point, so you do as you’re told and you do a kickflip as you skate along the front section of the pit. And then you look up at the band and give Matty the middle finger as a token of your appreciation for his lack of faith in you.

“Damn, she on X-Games mode.” George chuckles the familiar Vine quote over the mic and you giggle at that.

Skating back around you stop in front of the barrier and ask your curly haired brunette, “Happy?”

He nods, grinning like a fool, “Course.”

All of you end up having a little skate around after they have done their soundcheck. Matty had his board with him too so you all shared the two you had. George and Ross were having a go whilst Adam was trying to come up with tonight’s setlist.

Matty and you were sitting on the floor beside Adam, both trying to come up with songs to help him along, but they got stuck on a few that they swapped out every night. You decide to suggest one that you still really enjoy.

You point to the space where a song is missing on the sheet of paper, and say, “I think you should play Antichrist.”

“Not this shit again.” Matty shakes his head, completely against your suggestion.

“It’s a good song.” You argue.

Adam can’t help but smirk watching the both of you. He’s had this conversation more times than he can remember, and he had given up a long time ago, but it’ll be interesting to see if you can change Matty’s mind.

Matty shakes his head like a stubborn child, “I'm not playing it. Especially after that shit Nintendo tweeted me.”

“Why?” You laugh, remembering the tweet fondly, But you’re serious when you tell him, “Everyone wants to hear it. It’s a great song.”

“I don't want to play it.” Matty’s clearly having none of it, and he doesn’t even give you room to argue.

“But Matty, it-”

“‘But Matty’ nothing.” He shakes his head, and he tries to be nice and smiles as he states, “Not happening Sweetheart, sorry.”

You start questioning why at that point and arguing your point of why people want to hear it and the noise of the both of you arguing has George and Ross stop skating and listen in. After a minute through, it strikes back memories that Ross clearly wasn’t a fan of.

“Christ,” The bassist sighs, “It’s like they’re back together.”

“Don’t manifest that,” George scolds him and gives him a dirty look. “She’s my wife.”

Ross laughs at that, reminding him, “Matty didn’t let you anywhere near that chapel in Vegas so I don’t think so.”

Before George can respond, Adam’s voice calls out above everyone’s and draws all eyes to him.

“I know how we can decide.” And when all eyes land on your cousin, he suggests as he looks at you, “You and Matty. Race to the barrier. First one there gets to decide what song it is.”

A smile comes on everyone's face when they hear that, and the rest of them watch as you and Matty look at each other and grin. “You’re on.” You smirk.

Matty gets himself up, “Fine, let's go.”

He offers you his hand to help you up which you gladly take. However, you shouldn't have because the dickhead lets your hand go as soon as you start to pull on him for help and he lets you fall back to the ground.

“Dick.” You scorn him as he laughs at you and you get yourself up so he can’t play anymore mind games.

Giving him evils, you make your way over to Ross who has your skateboard which he happily hands over to you and encourages you to win. It's Adam who decides that the race will be from the sound desk to the front barrier so you all head over there to begin the race.

Matty gets his board from George and you assume your gentle giant is giving your curly haired brunette some words of advice for the race. Much like Ross is bigging you up for it.

However, as it turns out, foul play was being thought up because seconds after Adam counted you down and started the race, you were winning. And you were sure you were going to win easily, or that was until you felt arms wrap around you from behind and lift you clean off your skateboard and start spinning you around.

Of course you shouted, “What the fuck, no!” so loudly the arena echoed with it as it was empty. Feeling the strong arms around you and seeing that fucking snail tattoo on his wrist was enough for you to realise that George had clearly ran behind you and sabotaged your race so Matty would win.

It was painful seeing your skateboard roll to a gentle stop whilst Matty made it to the barrier on his and started celebrating his win. His victorious look as he started coming back over to where George is still holding you captive.

“You’re cheats!” You shout as he walks back over and you can hear all of the boys laughing. Even Adam and Ross from somewhere behind you.

Matty’s smirk is teasing when he asks, “Why’ve you gotta be a sore loser, Wheels?”

“I’m sick of you.” You scorn him.

You’re almost pouting at this point. All of this because you wanted to hear Antichrist live.

“Nah, you love us.” Matty comes up to hug you from the front, sandwiching you between him and George.

“Yeah,” You grin, not minding the bodies you’re stuck between in the slightest, and you laugh,  “I guess I really do.”

~*~*~*~ November 22nd 2019 ~*~*~*~

Getting off the plane and back onto UK soil was a feeling like no other after travelling around America with your 1975 boys. Leaving Heathrow and getting your own taxi back to your flat in London was so peaceful.

Politely declining to get the taxi with any of the boys, your own taxi got you back to your flat in Kentish Town from Heathrow in a little under an hour in the evening traffic. You didn’t mind the drive at all, you were just glad to be back in familiar settings and you couldn’t wait to get back home to sleep in a proper bed.

You’d had the best time and you made some amazing memories that you would never forget. But you can’t wait for a week at home doing absolutely fuck all.

The first thing you did when you got to your flat was dump your case in your room and then you stripped yourself off and proceeded to have a shower. You stayed in for a solid half an hour just enjoying the hot water with good water pressure whilst you listened to music.

And all the while, you couldn’t help but think about how excited you were to eventually get out and into your pyjamas. In there you also decided that tonight you’d be treating yourself to a massive scran as you were going to order yourself a dominos along with a McDonalds hamburger and 20 chicken nuggets.

Just after you get out of the shower, you see how gorgeous the sunset is over the distant London skyline you can see from your flat and of course you have to capture it. Taking a picture of it, you put it on your Instagram story saying, Glad to be back home 🇬🇧, and then you get yourself dressed into your comfy pyjamas.

Tonight, after you unpack, you plan on doing nothing other than staying under a blanket as you eat takeout food and watch shit British TV. However, just after you chuck a load of washing into the washer, your phone starts ringing.

You answer the phone, seeing as it’s Matt calling and you’re pleased to hear his voice again after a little while of not chatting to him.

“Hey Helders.” You smile as you answer your phone.

His voice is just as jolly as yours when he replies, “Heya Cupcake.”

“How you doing?” You ask him, “God, I haven't spoken to you since Tennessee.”

Course you texted. But the last time you spoke to him and heard his voice was when you went on facetime to him before The 1975 went on stage so he could say a proper hello to Ella, or Ellie as he tended to call her.

“Yeah good thanks,” You can hear his smile, and still just how excited he is when he brings up that he’s, “Still not over you meeting Ella to be honest. That's mad.”

“I know, and she’s so lovely too... Shame on you for not keeping in contact. I’m still messaging her.” You pretend to scorn him before the conversation moves on.

“Surprised you didn’t try to pull her, to be fair.” Matt chuckles.

You laugh, “Believe me Matt, after finding out she was single, it was really hard not to.”

After laughing some more, he asks you about how the rest of the touring was with your boys and how different it was to touring America with him and the lads. You give him every anecdote he’s after and you find that an hour flies by before you even realise it.

You spend a while asking about updates on Amelia and what they had been up to before he tells you about how good Katie and Jamie are doing as well as Nick and Kelly. And then you find out some interesting news about Alex.

“You’ll never believe it.”

He can’t leave you with that, so you have to ask, “What?”

And it sounds like a sigh of relief when he tells you, “He’s not with her anymore.”

Your jaw drops. Fucking finally.

“Since when?” You wonder.

“Since her single came out two weeks ago and then last week she suggested they have some time apart.” Matt tells you and it boils your blood.

You fucking knew it would happen. And you wish you could have saved him the last 6 months of his time with her. What an evil fucking bitch.  

“I fucking hate the cow.” Matt can hear the anger in your voice when you say that.  

He agrees instantly, “So do we.”

“Is he okay? I’ve still not heard anything from him.” You have to ask, because at the end of the day you still care about him even though after everything, you really shouldn’t at this point.

Matt informs you, “He’s just quiet. Living in his head a lot. Can tell he’s devastated though.”

“Not surprising, he’s probably heartbroken.” You sigh, knowing Alex must be going through a tough time of it right now, wherever he may be.

“Seems so… Maybe he’ll answer your phone calls now.” He sounds hopeful but you reject the idea immediately.

“I’m not trying anymore. I gave up trying a month ago.” You tell him and Matt can hear the sadness in your voice when you mention it.

“Don’t blame you.” Matt says before changing the subject back to the tour, “So, tell me what this was about George spilling things all over his bag?”

It’s another half an hour then that you’re talking for and in that time you get a text from Matty saying that he’s found the new blazer you bought in his suitcase. You responded, telling him that you’d pick it up tomorrow but when your doorbell goes you assume he just can’t live without you and he’s ended up calling round with it to drop it off.

You sigh, telling Matt, “Gunna have to go Helders, think Matty’s come to drop off something I left with him by accident. I’ll call you back tomorrow.”

“No worries Cupcake, I’ll talk to you soon.”

“Love you, bye.” You say as you get yourself up and you wait for his bye before you hang up the phone and pull your door open.

But when you do, your heart stops.

Instead of your curly haired brunette, you find that behind your door is the person you’ve been dying to see for months. Your heart breaks a little seeing him standing there in front of you, his hair a fucking mess because it’s not yet long enough to style and his eyes red and swollen from the tears he’s clearly been letting out.

Alex looks broken standing there in front of you and when he turns to look at you and his eyes meet yours, he takes in the biggest, shakiest breath as if seeing you meant that he was finally able to breathe again. There were tears already in his eyes and your heart hurt seeing him in pain.

Before you can even comprehend what’s happening, you both go to hug each other at exactly the same time as if you’d not seen each other in 6 years instead of over 6 months. Your arms fly around his neck whilst his wrap around your waist.

Alex dips himself down a bit to do that and he hoists you up into his arms as he walks into your flat. You bury your head into his neck as you feel overwhelming emotions take you over as your throat seems to choke up. You lock your ankles around his waist to ensure you stay in the position and as close to him as possible. You don’t want the hug to end.

He kicks the door shut behind him and walks to wherever he wants to go, even though his head is in that much of a state he doesn’t really think about where he’s going himself. You’re too caught up with him hugging him tightly, your head buried into his neck, to see or care where he was taking you.

Just the fact that he’s back means the world.

You don’t care when your back hits your bedding and Alex keeps his weight on top of you. You certainly don’t care that the position probably looks compromising, even though it really wasn’t like that. He’s back and you’re delighted yet entirely too emotional to process it.

“I’m sorry.” You choke out, not even realising your crying, “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.”

As soon as the singer hears that, he picks his head up and he starts shaking it. “Don’t apologise for anything.” He’s crying too, looking into your eyes to tell you that he knows, “I’m the idiot. I’m so unbelievably sorry, Y/N.”

“You should be, you dickhead.” You pull him back into the hug, hiding your face into his neck again as you cry, “Christ, I can’t believe I’ve got you back.”

“You’ll always have me back.” He promises, before profusely apologising again and going on to plead, “Please forgive me. I'm so so sorry for everything I said and more.”

“You’ve got a lot of apologising to do.” You tell him through your tears but you can’t stop clutching him.

The feeling of him hugging you so tightly, even though you’re trapped in it as his arms are behind your back against the mattress, is something you’ve missed so much. You’ve not had a hug from your best friend in over 6 months.

“I know.” Alex chokes out and the both of you cry for a little longer.

When Alex moves so he can look at you again, he tells you, “I love you.” and you don’t know if he thinks you’re about to panic at what he said, but he quickly adds, “Not in that way. But in our way… I love you so much, Angel.”

And of course, you understood that completely. Your tears don’t slow down much as you just about choke out, “I love you too. I’ve missed you. So fucking much.”

“You’ll never know how much I missed you,” Alex ends up burying his head into your neck as he cries a little more, “I’m so, so sorry.” and you hold him the tightest you ever have.

After a while, the both of you end up sitting on your bed to talk it all through. And you’ve never seen him so upset when he apologises for not believing what his ex said about your scars.

You understand not wanting to believe it, because from the heartbreak that’s clear in his voice and his body language, you could tell just how much he loved her and how real it was for him. It’s a shame she wasn’t the person who she originally made out to be, but you know Alex will be far better off without her.

The amount of apologies you heard were endless and they spanned the whole night, even through to when his tears dried up. And you can tell just by the way he’s acting with you that you know he knows he’s done wrong and that you’ll both be able to fix what happened between you.

You apologised for how you acted and for how you said things, but you didn’t apologise for telling the truth and Alex again told you just how much he regrets not believing you. And closer to the end of the subject, you tell him honestly what upset you most.

“It hurt a lot when you said that about my art and how you thought I use you to promote my stuff because I would never do that.” You’re completely honest with him, and you have to soften your voice so it doesn’t sound like you’re getting choked up at the thought of it, “Don’t you think I just wanted a picture with my best friend at the first gallery of mine you’d ever come to?”

“Yeah, of course you would want that.” Alex nods and sniffles, as he picks up your hand so he can squeeze it, “I want that. I’m so sorry I ever said that shit. I honestly don’t think that of you.”

And Alex is being entirely genuine with you when he retracts everything he insinuated about him giving you your career, “I did fuck all to help you where you are today, you did it all yourself. You're the most impressive self-made person I know and I’m sorry I got so nasty to say otherwise.”

Hearing him say that he didn’t think that of you felt like a big weight taken off your chest. And because you knew you were both slowly drawing to a close you talking about it all tonight, you keep your response light.

“I wouldn’t go that far.” You chuckle, “You know John Cooper Clarke.”

Alex chuckles at that and leans a little closer to you to whisper, “Secretly, I think you’re better.”

“Thanks,” You laugh, “You idiot.” and that small smile that makes its way onto his face warms your soul.

At this point, it really comes to a head just how much you’ve missed him. Laughing with him, having a joke with him, even being this close to him and seeing him.

You can’t really stop yourself before leaning in and trapping him in a hug. The both of you know you’ve got a long way to go to get back to how you were, but you’ve done it before and you’re sure you will do it again.

Hugging your best friend tightly, you don’t hesitate to tell him, “I love you, Shakespeare.”

A hug has never felt so great to Alex, and he intends to keep you trapped in it for as long as possible. As his arms tighten that bit more around you, he whispers in your ear, “I love you too, Angel.”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

A/N: AHHHHH!!!!!! You got to let me know if I've managed to sway any teams? Matty or Alex????? Curly or Shakespeare???? What do we think will happen next??? Have we forgiven them both? Where are our heads at? I'd love it if you let me know! Thanks a million for reading, really hope you enjoyed the chapter x

Quick sidenote: Ella is a main character from a different fic that you’ve not yet been blessed with and I felt like I wanted to get the fic multiverse started. So, this is your first little tease of Ella and I’ve got no doubt at all that you’re all going to love her as much as I do. @alovesreading​ is a genius and I’m very excited for her to eventually share her first Alex fic with you all x

Taglist: @psychkunox​​​​​ @sofiaaraee​​​​​ @thewheeler​​ @cold-hands-cold-eyesss​​​​​ @xovalliegirlxo​​​​​ @vroboat​​​​​ @hoodskillerqueen​​​​​ @woahhealy​​​​​ @emmaheg1005 @belledawnidk​​​​​ @elen-alambil​​​​​ @megann-duff​​​ @alexsvacuumcleaner​​​​​ @bshelley322​​​​​ @g0thwat3rr​​​​​ @cassieinnit​​​​​ @ohmyolympusssywp​​ @filling-thevoid​​​​ @xqueenkt​​​​​ @indierock4ever @amturners​​​​​ @alovesreading​​​​​​

Add yourself to the taglist with the link in the Masterlist!

[punkpandapatrixk]

Libra Season Overview for 🐞🐍⛲🐝ALL SIGNS

ASO☔️bonus content always goes public at the end of every astrological season*, don't forget to check back~🌤 With the elements/signs of the zodiac, you can freely use your Sun, Moon, Rising/Ascendant, or even your Stellium (❗️) *23rd October

[Back to Masterlist]

Libra season is a time of returning to balance. If you’ve been working hard at something dearly beloved to your Soul, this is harvest season. If you’ve been stuck, energies are flowing more smoothly now. If you’ve been ill, health is returning. But if you’ve been pushing yourself too hard, too… you might get a cold just so your body gets to rest.

At any rate, this season is a time for paying attention to subtle energetic changes that reset/recalibrate you to your centre. If you manage to work with these changes and return to balance, you will be propelled faster🏎️💨towards your Destiny.

If right now, your future self could come through and tell you how everything is wonderful in the future—that you are successful, happy, and thriving—would you be braver now? No matter how tall the challenges and how low you feel every now and then; would you keep your hope, and faith?

Tipping Balance for 🐞Fire Signs – Green Alchemist (Nicolas Flamel)

Pause to smell the roses; your passion has brought you this far—you’ve done well. For the time being, enjoy what you’ve managed to achieve even if you’re only beginning. When it comes to passion, there’s no end to it. You'll never run out of exciting things to do, so take your time to rest when you need it.

🐏Aries – King of Wands Rx

In spite of what people usually say about the negative qualities of Aries, this energy is actually really, really, extremely generous. You’re kind, friendly and helpful. And because you have a strong spirit, you want to be a champion or warrior for a lot of other people. There’s cosmic fire in your Soul—you have a heart that will always care.

For a while now, you’ve been feeling a lack of power. There are restrictions put around the goals you’ve envisioned for yourself. You’re suffocating and the lack of oxygen has caused your fire to become dimmed. You feel a sense of detachment from the people or projects you used to care about. Don’t feel bad about any of this though.

Think of this phase as an arrow about to be shot into stardom. That’s you. You feel like you’re being held back, but the truth of the matter is that you’re being prepared for extremely fast propulsion. You’re amassing great spiritual power and you’re gaining momentum. When the moment comes, you’re gonna grow so big and gain success so fast people can’t understand how you do it all.

🦁Leo – 9 of Pentacles Rx

You tend to be really generous with your resources when socialising. Maybe you like to party and have a good time. Maybe you simply like do, create and build things within a group setting. You care about other people and will go the extra mile to help others. But you do this because you also know you can benefit from others when the time comes🤠

Still, for a while now you’ve been feeling suffocated by your connections. You’ve begun to sense something is amiss and yearn for something deeper, purer. But more importantly, you crave independence. Not freedom per se; independence—to feel enough and capable on your own.

You want to start anew, but to do this, you know some things need to come to a close. When the old is taken care of and finances are safely in place, you’ll feel secure to tread a new path that is more suited to your Soul’s calling. It’s OK to go about this one day at a time. You don’t have to have it all figured out from the get go. Just keep swimming~

🎠Sagittarius – Ace of Pentacles Rx

There is a new beginning you’ve been praying for. Some of you have been hard at work trying to allow a change to happen, but manifestation is taking so long. Some of you have simply been stuck in a rut; can’t even begin to work on anything unless an energetic shift has taken place. Know that this Libra season is opening the floodgates of abundance and a sense of personal freedom.

What I’m seeing here is that up until now you’ve not had a great energy. This could involve many things: maybe your health has been on the low; maybe you’ve been psychically attacked; maybe you’ve been in post-op surgery recovery; maybe you’re in rehab after a great mental health issue; maybe you’re healing from a traumatic experience with a toxic or abusive partner; etc.

At any rate, the key to your balance lies in the protection of your spiritual and emotional energy. Before you can receive this season’s blessings, you must prioritise protecting yourself from toxic or draining situations, as well as take necessary measures to maintain your physical health. If walking, exercising or taking supplements help, do that. If you need a nutritionist or learn healthy living from YouTube, do that.

This season, just take care of your health first, especially physically. Trust that everything else will just magically resolve itself in divine timing!

Mind Magick Transmutation🔻❤️👻

Access full reading + cards on Patreon🌸

☆♪°・. ☆♪°・. ☆♪°・. ☆♪°・. ☆♪°・. ☆♪°・.

Tipping Balance for 🐍Earth Signs – Silver Physician (John Dee)

Honey, you’re dehydrated; please drink more this season. You also need to improve your relationship with food. Balance is key in everything and you can simply follow reason when it comes to ‘eating healthy’. When you feel refreshed physically, your mind also thinks clearly.

🐂Taurus – Queen of Wands Rx

If you’ve been feeling a lack of inspiration or motivation, it’s coming this season; but first, you need to take care of your physical health. I’m not a nutritionist or anything, but I’m seeing in your case you’re lethargic physically because you haven’t been eating right, and that’s caused a mental fog. And then, it just feels like you’re stuck or that any option available to you doesn’t seem viable or good enough to pursue/explore/attempt.

Wherever you are in the world, this season, try to calm down and slow down. If you can, learn about ‘healthy eating’ and try to build new habits surrounding this new knowledge. Most of us weren’t taught proper eating by our education system, so if you’re blind to this and need a lot of trial and error, it’s all dandy. The most important thing is that you’re learning something new.

And whatever life-changing endeavour you’re pursuing, which you feel a lack of confidence, thus the lack of motivation, I’m seeing the need to read up on a lot of materials on it. The more you study or immerse yourself in the practice of it, the more confident you feel about finding success in it. So that you won’t crumble easily, you need to have a strong foundation. Read up; study and exercise from NOW🌟You got this!

🧘🏻‍♀️Virgo – 7 of Swords

Did you witness someone cheating in life and caused you to miss an amazing opportunity? Perhaps something relating to your profession? Something like that happened in the past and you felt grossed out by it. But you actually learnt about the reality of what it takes to achieve success in this world. Sometimes you’ve got to do unsavoury shit to get by, and get ahead. By now, even you’ve done a thing or two that’s less than noble.

This may have caused you a great deal of mental burden—questioning your own morality and dignity. But here’s a little pat on your back: you did the clever thing to do to save a situation; this isn’t necessarily evil. Sometimes, when we’re lacking guidance or a situation is a total mess, we’ve got to think quick based on what’s most favourable at the time.

I guess this season brings you a more wholesome understanding of this dynamic, so you can learn to be at peace with yourself. Life is a balancing act; it is Yin and Yang. Sometimes we choose to do ‘dark’ things to serve a greater good. Whatever happens, believe in your innate goodness!

🐐Capricorn – 5 of Pentacles Rx

Oh, my gosh. It’s like you’re about to come out of poverty of sort! In fact, perhaps you’ve been fresh out of a hot oven that was frying you up spiritually or psychologically. This season brings that sense of breathing fresh air and dipping your entire self in cool Fiji waters. If you can, please indulge in drinking clean, quality water as much as you can.

Your body is 80% water so drinking quality water can speed up manifestation as well as spiritual purification. Trust me on this one. On top of that, I sense that you have a tendency of working so hard to a point of burning yourself up multiple times. This pattern needs to be broken. Try to control your urge to tackle a lot of challenges within a given day. If something needs to be done, it will be done in divine timing.

This Libra season is all about being kinder and gentler with yourself. You’ve survived so much murder, you’ve got to give yourself the biggest credit for just making it this far. A new chapter that’s easier and more peaceful is really beginning for you.

Mind Magick Transmutation🔻💚👻

Access full reading + cards on Patreon🌸

☆♪°・. ☆♪°・. ☆♪°・. ☆♪°・. ☆♪°・. ☆♪°・.

Tipping Balance for ⛲Air Signs – Red Geographer (John Dee)

It’s time to plan ahead. Think different thoughts and apply unique methods. The solution is in your crazy—meaning, you’ve just got to flow with the rhythm of your intuition. Remember what you came here for: there are great things waiting to be made manifest by your earnest efforts.

👯Gemini – Queen of Pentacles

This season you will find a sense of stability in finances or just a practical sense of having mastered something. You may have just struggled with a little bit of imbalance/confusion in the recent past. Other than that, you might get some help or guidance from someone older or more professional than you. Other than that, too, you may simply make a connection with someone motherlike who will take care, provide for you. You’ll decide for yourself whether or not you like the assistance provided.

For some of you, you may realise that you’re done being helped by other people because that causes you to feel indebted—and you don’t like the connection. Suddenly, you’re motivated to make it yourself in whatever you’re working on. You’re motivated to resolve your own problems. You have more energy to finish more work and create or study more. You just have a lot of motivation and that’s a welcome change.

You are so capable of becoming the Queen of Pentacles yourself. This season, be wise with how you spend your energy so that you don’t burn yourself out. Work, rest, play, self-care; these are all equally important. Have faith that some kind of miracle is seeking you~ You just need to be in alignment with the energy of ease and excitement!

⚖️Libra – 7 of Pentacles Rx

This is your season, alright! 7 of Pentacles in reverse is totally saying that you aren’t resting, aren’t waiting anymore. Whatever is on your mind, whatever you’ve been working on or wanting to start, the GREEN LIGHT is here. There is a surge of energy for success, fortune, happiness, excitement, and creation. Use this energy, this moment, the best you can while it lasts. Enjoy it. Delight in it.

You’ll know when to make a move or start something new by means of synchronicity. Maybe angel numbers, precognitive dreams, synchronous names, etc. Be mindful of false synchronicities though. These ones happen the most when we are dead anxious. When you’re anxious, you’re seeing symbols and SYNKs that are created by your ego-based fears; these could be misleading.

To hear real guidance from the Higher Realms, one must always be in a relaxed state. Your mind must be cleared of environmental clutter. This season, a lot of good things are yours to take, but you must also take care of your mental state. Don’t overwork yourself. Don’t get too excited. Remain chill and casual about shit😎

🏺Aquarius – 4 of Pentacles

You’re cutting your losses and tying loose ends. You’re realising now it’s important to save up your hard earnt resources for yourself—and only those who truly truly truly matter in your Life. It’s high time you thought about the future—what you intend to do with your amazing wealth (or talent) to roll out changes in the bigger world once you’ve garnered enough power.

This season for you is the season for amassing wealth. Fortune and talents and knowledge and skills. Some of you will resonate with work, some with studies. Your personal world has the potential to set a good example for the public* so whatever you do with career, family, vocation, etc. can have an impact on the world at large. And in that way, you could be saving the world.

You’re powerful like that, so this season would be great for your studies and keeping to yourself, keeping to your dreams and visions, and making sure you have all the resources to manifest your Life Purpose.

*public can simply mean your co-workers, neighbours or social media following; take what resonates~

Mind Magick Transmutation🔻💙👻

Access full reading + cards on Patreon🌸

☆♪°・. ☆♪°・. ☆♪°・. ☆♪°・. ☆♪°・. ☆♪°・.

Tipping Balance for 🐝Water Signs – Silver Astrologer (John Dee)

Look to the stars for guidance. A loving spirit guide is holding your everything tightly. Whoever this spirit guide might be, they’re trying to divulge a secret to your future—pssst, it’s Destiny! Look inwardly to hear all the great advice and empowering words of Love!

🦀Cancer – 8 of Cups

A Spirit Guide has been guiding you to come out of an unfortunate situation. Some of you are still on prison break (you’ll get out soon), but many of you have just been fresh out of hot water. This season then becomes a resting period for you. You need R&R, you’re deserving of it, and when you’re rejuvenated you will be so busy with new things that are exciting! Like, things are finally moving in the direction you and your Higher Self have always intended!

There is a lot of protection surrounding you at this time. I’m almost seeing a huge bubble of light protecting you from harmful energies, psychic attacks, malicious intents and all that bad juju. Your connection with your guardian angels is very strong at this moment. You’re advised to amplify, or at least maintain, this protection by resting well and eating clean. Need to shift habits that lower your vibe to new healthier habits.

Meditation, reiki, and subliminals are also useful in this scenario. Psst… please skip the whole solfeggio frequencies… they’re actually really bad for your manifestations.

🦂Scorpio – Knight of Pentacles Rx

This isn’t the time to be thinking too logically about things. What you’re dealing with may feel larger than you and you’re trying to resolve issues with a logical pattern. Nope. Stop that. This time around, you don’t go from 1 to 2 to 3. This season, you’re going FASTER. From 0 to 100 in an instant. The key to allowing this to happen smoothly? MAGICK.

Magic isn’t rational and it doesn’t follow convention. That’s the essence of magic anyway: miraculous, unexpected, and ends with glad tidings. You just follow whatever your intuition tells you. I saw on Pinterest a quote like this: your anxiety is lying to you, it’s not the end of the world; you can do this!

What you are seeking is seeking you, too. Relax, sit back, and allow yourself to be in alignment with the energy of miracles. Your Spirit Guides are orchestrating something big behind the scenes. You’ve done enough, let them do their job of serving you now!🎆

🎏Pisces – 3 of Cups Rx

You’ve either been in isolation or just out of touch with most people. At any rate, for quite a while now you’ve been feeling a lack of cheer. You feel quite lonesome and stagnant. But all of that is ‘bout to change. A stream of beauty consciousness is pouring into your Life. It’s like, things are just magically going to get brighter, sweeter, nicer and merrier.

I’m thinking aespa’s DREAMS COME TRUE for both its aesthetic and lyrics, really. And also, their LIFE’S TOO SHORT for those of you who’ve been dealing with haters or parents who wouldn’t allow you to DO YOU. You know? People who make you feel miserable because you’re just trying to be yourself.

Some of you may still be in the dark phase of the Moon. It’s quiet and boring maybe, but it’s just a natural part of the Cosmic Mechanism of the world. Sooner than you think, the Moon is going to wax again and when everything is bright and calm in your world you’ll be glad you didn’t give up.

Mind Magick Transmutation🔻💛👻

Access full reading + cards on Patreon🌸

☆♪°・. ☆♪°・. ☆♪°・. ☆♪°・. ☆♪°・. ☆♪°・.

Feel free to support me on Patreon if you love this kind of content🍑I create stories and tarot readings that calm the mind & heal from within🍒

[Back to Masterlist]

[choices-november2022]

Choices November Challenge Prompts

Prompts

I have done something different this time from when I have hosted before. The first two columns, the prompts come from the National Day Calendar. The third column are three word phrases that you can include either as narrative or dialogue.

The fanworks must be posted in November (with late entries accepted through December 5). The works do not have to be posted on the specific day. You want to use the prompt cashews (from the 23rd) and post it on November 5, go ahead. Just make sure in your note or tags to tell me the day or the prompt.

As always, if you have any questions, please ask either here or send a message to my main at @lucy-268​.

Have fun!

1  Animal Rescue  |  Cinnamon  |  All is well.

2  Vegan  |  Deviled Eggs  |  I'd love to!

3  He Cooks  |  Sandwiches  |  You are joking.

4  Jersey  |  Candy  |  I can't dance.

5  Health  |  Donuts  |  Maybe you're right.

6  Music  |  Nachos  |  How are you?

7  Color the World Orange  |  Chocolate with Almonds  |  Thanks so much.

8  Teaching  |  Cappuccino  |  Do it now.

9  Adoption  |  Breakfast  |  I miss you.

10  Stout (beer)  |  Cupcakes  |  Dreams come true.

11  Nurses  |  Sundaes  |  I just can't.

12  Books  |  Pizza  |  Let it go.

13  Kindness  |  Indian Pudding  |  Try something new.

14  Tongue Twister  |  Spicy Guacamole  |  Are you sure?

15  Conversation  |  Bundt Cake  |  Let's get drunk.

16  Tolerance  |  Fast Food  |  Now or never.

17  Happy  |  Baklava  |  Keep it legal.

18  Maps  |  Vichyssoise  |  Haters gonna hate.

19  Board Game  |  Carbonated Beverage with Caffeine  |  Appreciate the moment.

20  Birthday  |  Peanut Butter Fudge  |  I love you.

21  Red Mittens  |  Gingerbread Cookie  |  Get enough sleep.

22  Puzzles  |  Cranberry Relish  |  I'll be there.

23  Jukebox  |  Cashews  |  Please forgive me.

24  Thankful  |  Sardines  |  Count your blessings.

25  Shopping  |  Parfaits  |  I trust you.

26  Travel  |  Cake  |  Change is good.

27  Aura  |  Bavarian Cream Pie  |  I got this.

28  Astronomy  |  French Toast  |  You like that?

29  Hobby  |  Butter  |  Against all odds.

30  Purse  |  Mousse  |  It isn't over.

[navegandoaciegas]

Cloud nine

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x fem!reader

Warnings: 18+, smut, pwp, watersports, dom/sub undertones, dom!bucky, sub!reader, reader calls bucky daddy, creampie.

Summary: You’ve never had an orgasm during sex, and Bucky is determined to make you come, no matter how unusual your request may be.

A/N: I have no words lmfao just- don’t read if pee bothers you please.

Frustration pooled in your stomach, festering on your negative emotions.

Bucky slumped beside you, cheeks flushed, drool and sweat all over his face as he clinged to your chest, catching his breath.

You’d been going at it for hours, and he’d fucked you in all the positions on the book, changing pace and angles to hit every spot inside you until he’d come in your aching cunt more times than humanly possible and you’d run yourself dry.

He’d praised you, degraded you, slapped you, kissed your tears, made soft love to you and fucked you like a rag doll, fingered you until his fingers cramped and wrinkled, and you hadn’t come.

You always treaded the edge, so close yet so far from reaching the crest of your high, only to fall back down without ever being able to let yourself crash.

“Sorry,” he panted softly in the crook of your neck, right hand tracing soothing circles on your hip.

“‘S not your fault.”

“I know, I just-”

He interrupted himself with a huff, drowning his unspoken words in your skin.

You’d had this conversation numerous times before.

It wasn’t him, as no other partner had ever been able to make you cum either. They hadn’t even cared enough to worry about it.

It wasn’t you either, nothing in your anatomy, at least.

You liked Bucky, you desired him. Just looking at him too long made the walls of your cunt throb uncontrollably. And you had no trouble making yourself cum on your fingers, even without any toy or porn involved, just the thought of him and his fat cock inside you.

You’d been dating for months now, and he hadn’t given you a single orgasm yet.

You could see it begin to tear down his confidence, flooding his mind with insecurities he’d confided you with, how he feared you’d leave him for someone better, or you’d tire of him and move on.

With a bitter smile you’d replied that he’d be the one to leave for a better partner he could pleasure, and from then on Bucky hadn’t mentioned it anymore, but you could see the doubts plaguing his mind, twisting and turning his thoughts in grey clouds, draining him everytime he came and you didn’t.

You felt broken, and he felt guilty.

You needed to find a solution, and you needed to do it fast.

-

Your therapist was a nice woman, stern when needed and caring at times, and yet you couldn’t fucking stand her whenever she repeated the same sentence that your gynecologist had told you already.

The more you worried about your orgasm, the harder it would be to cum.

An easy concept to grasp if you weren’t the one struggling, if orgasms came as easy as eating and breathing.

You huffed in frustration, one hand in your sweatpants as you lazily fondled with your clit, the other scrolling through a porn website, looking for a video that would get the job done for you, eager to release the stress of your day at work.

You scrolled through staged videos that would only aggravate you, women who squealed loud enough to hurt your eardrums and men too rough for your liking. Pov’s, plumbers and housewives, gangbangs, vintage and fake taxis.

You could feel the irritation build up inside you when, reached the 23rd page, you hadn’t found a video that would satisfy you yet.

Famous pornstars, amateurs, thousands of bytes of porn that made your thumb scrolling on your phone cramp, until you stumbled upon a video with a title so debauched that you felt compelled to click on it.

And so, an idea, admittedly not your best one, began to form in your head as your fingers worked your clit furiously to bring you over the edge.

Bucky had been surprisingly eager to try it out when you’d mentioned it whilst you brushed your teeth on a random morning, excited even, almost as if he’d meant to ask all along and never built the courage to.

You’d tried a lot of things, and you had nothing to lose at this point. So, you’d lined your mattress with plastic sheets, and hoped for the best.

-

Soft lips nipped your neck, peppering the column of your throat with wet kisses.

You registered the sheets rustling beneath you and Bucky’s silky hair tickling you.

You blinked your bleary eyes, adjusting yourself to the gentle morning light seeping through the blinds, painting your room in intricate shadows.

“Mornin’,” you croaked, a small smile tugging at your lips.

Like every time that Bucky spent the night at your place, you’d wake up to his lips and hands all over you.

“G’mornin’, princess,” he mumbled, hands getting bolder, hiking up your thighs.

It didn’t take long for Bucky’s touch to ignite the fire in your core, warmth pooling in your lower belly as he cupped your cunt over your shorts.

He pulled away from your neck to look at you in the eyes, pupils dilated by desire.

Bucky was always so eager, pouncing on you at any chance he got. He was especially needy on weekend mornings, where he could take his time with you and make love to you until he’d be exhausted and you’d be, well, happy to participate.

His hand slipped under your shorts, lazily stroking your clit, still swollen from the night before.

“Already so wet for me?” he noted, gathering your wetness on his fingertips and smearing it over your sensitive bud.

A breathy gasp escaped your parted lips, followed by many others as he continued to work your cunt. Your walls throbbed in anticipation, and you bit your lips, eager for his cock to fill you to the brim.

Bucky continued peppering your neck, clavicles, chest with kisses, hiking your t-shirt over your tits before he attacked your nipples with his mouth.

It felt like being on cloud nine, having him take care of you so good, brain turned to mush as you let him do anything he wanted to you.

The same negative thoughts that swirled in your mind everytime you had sex with Bucky flashed behind your eyes for a fleeting moment, reminding you of how you wouldn’t come even this time, despite your efforts. You willed yourself to focus on the moment, on the small jolts on electricity in your cunt, on your hardening nipples, and heaving chest.

His warm mouth latched on your nipples, suckling them between his teeth, tongue swirling on them.

“Bucky please,” you whined, growing impatient with his teasing, “Fuck me already, please.”

He chuckled, head buried between your tits.

“Careful when you talk to me, little girl.”

“Or what?”

A mischievous grin spread on his face as he descended down, tongue tracing your stomach, belly, hip bones, peppering kisses and bruises until he reached your silk shorts.

He threw one more look at you before biting the fabric and slowly tugging it down your legs.

You kicked the shorts away and spread your legs, revealing your glistening cunt to Bucky’s hungry eyes.

“Fuck,” he groaned, resuming back to sucking bruises on the soft skin of your inner thighs, “Such a pretty pussy, princess.”

Fire spread through your body when his warm breath hit your lips, and the anticipation before he closed his mouth on your clit sent shivers down your spine.

“Fuck yourself on my mouth, baby girl. Show daddy how good you are to him, how much you want his cock, hm?”

You didn’t need to be told twice, and started grinding your hips on his face while he lapped at your folds, drinking up your arousal.

A soft sigh, followed by a hiss and a high pitched moan were ripped out of you when Bucky pushed two fingers past your entrance, curling them inside you.

You continued the steady rhythm, fucking yourself on his face until the familiar tension began building in your cunt.

“Just like that daddy,” you shrieked, “Make me cum, please, please.”

You kept going, speeding your movements, chasing your release, thighs quivering around his head, reaching higher, and higher, and-

And then it was gone, snuffed like a weak flame in the wind.

You tugged on Bucky’s hair, and brought his face to yours in a desperate kiss, slanting your mouth against his. You tasted yourself on his tongue, tangy and musky.

He ground his hips on you, growing more and more desperate by the second.

He never lasted long in the morning.

“Fuck me, daddy, please, wanna feel your cock inside me,” you whined, wiggling your hips.

“Can’t say no to you, princess.”

He had such a pretty cock, not too big, veiny and flushed. You wanted him in your mouth, in your pussy, between your tits. You wanted him whole, and it frustrated you so much that despite your wants you couldn’t satiate your needs.

He lined himself up with your dripping cunt, and pushed his cock inside you with one swift motion, until you were full to the brim and his balls slapped against your ass.

He hauled your thighs over his shoulders, folding you under his weight.

“So tight,” he spat through gritted teeth, fighting against the urge to burst as you snapped your hips up.

One of his forearms rested laid your head while the other hand came to rest on your neck, not cutting off your air but as a clear warning to stop moving around.

“Move, please” you begged, mind hazy with pleasure.

It always felt so good when his cock stretched you out, when it rubbed on your gummy walls, a ring of white cream pooling just above his balls.

It always felt good, and that’s why you hated it. It always gave you the illusion that this time you’d come, just this once you’d overcome your problem and have an earth shattering orgasm like you deserved.

His cock kept hitting all the spots inside you, your walls pulsating around him, suffocating him in a tight grip.

“Daddy? Can we- can we try that thing?” you moaned, sneaking a hand between your bodies to furiously rub your swollen clit.

“Yes, fuck, that’s so hot, God, I’m gonna do it, okay?” he grunted, picking up the pace of his pace, harder, faster, spurred on by your high pitched shrills, until his movements grew sloppier.

“Ask me nicely,” he snarled, furrowing his brows and gritting his teeth.

“Piss inside me, daddy. Use me like the fuckin’ dirty whore I am.”

The room was filled with the squelching sounds of his balls hitting your ass and your drooling pussy. His tongue lolled out of his mouth, and he came gripping your thighs so hard it would surely leave a mark.

His cum spilled inside you while your walls milked every last drop.

You closed your eyes, willing your body to relax as he rested his head on your chest. His hand shoed yours away, roughly rubbing your clit.

You could feel his cock go soft inside you, his warm cum spilling out of your pussy.

It was building up inside you, the tension from before. You hiked high, and higher, and your legs were shaking, body shook by jolts of electricity.

“Fuck,” he hissed, grinding his teeth.

You moaned, his name on your tongue like a chant.

And then, Bucky sighed, eyes shutting in bliss as he released inside you.

Never in your life has you felt quite as warm, or full, as his searing hot piss filled you in from the inside, invading your cunt and overflowing out of you.

So hot, so full, so high that you couldn’t smell the pungent scent of his piss or hear anything other than your frenzied heartbeat in your ears.

“Daddy, daddy, I’m coming, I’m coming.”

And then you were cumming around his soft cock so hard that your eyes rolled to the back of your skull. Your body twitched and spasmed as a long awaited orgasm wrecked through you, wiping your mind blank for several seconds.

When you opened your eyes again, Bucky’s soft smile greeted you. Everything felt hazy, like having your head underwater and cotton in your mouth.

He nuzzled your nose, picking your limp body from the bed and carrying you to the bathroom.

“Daddy is so proud of you, princess.”

-

Not proofread sorry 😬

Please reblog and leave a comment if you can! 🥰

[sinnercryer]

Haven’t done a fic recommendation in a good while so here’s another one!📹

Second Thoughts- CallieB

“That night, 1984

Steve sits at the kitchen table, a pack of frozen carrots wrapped in a tea towel against his swollen purple face. "I'm fine," he says. It’s over. They fought the monsters, and they won. Now he can rest.

Except in real life, the credits don't roll, and they don't get to skip ahead to Christmas.”

Don’t Leave Me (Hanging on the Telephone)- Glitter_Bug

“AKA Billy is trapped in the Upside Down and somehow manages to call Steve's house.”

You Will Be Made New Again- Carerra_os

“Jonathan and Tommy succeed in brining Billy back from the dead, Steve their exasperated neighbor is the only thing that can get him to cooperate. AKA A Frankenstein's monster Billy fic”

Most Ghastly- Pondermoniums

“Billy receives a letter informing him that his mother has passed away and that he has a house to inherit. Tired of being abused under his father's roof, he flees across the country to live in the expansive property.

Thing is, it's not empty.”

[Addams Family fusion where they live in Hawkins and their 3rd child was Billy's mother.]

I Want To Run To You- imperfectabstraction

“Billy's got one chance to become Max's guardian after a run in with Neil. Problem is, his reputation doesn't paint him as the responsible type. Enter Steve Harrington, perfect pretty boy and savior of the downtrodden and he's got a proposal: if Billy can't be Max's guardian alone, they can do it together. All they've got to do is fake a marriage.”

The Fair - Myjokerbia

“Billy can’t believe he agreed to come here and stay, to some dumb county fair with Maxine and all her nerdy friends. She begged and begged to go and their parents wouldn���t let her unless he came along to supervise her. His original intentions were to drop her off and pick her up later, until they met up with her friends at the entrance and Harrington was there too. That’s how Billy found himself deciding to stick around.”

When The Sun Saw The Moon -Memessavedme

“When a Blood Moon appears over Hawkins on the 4th of August 1985 Steve doesn’t think much of it, that is until he wakes to the sound of his parents downstairs, Christmas decorations throughout his home and a calendar telling him today is in fact the 23rd of December 1984”

Shabbat-Pondermoniums

“It's no secret that the Harringtons are Jewish, but it's only after graduating that Billy finally pieces it together, and gets brave enough to invite himself over during their Shabbat.”

Hot Wheelz- hannahhsolo

“It was the start of the 2006 Roller Derby season in Indiana, and the Hot Wheelz just lost their star jammer to the unstoppable force of Billie Hargrove. They needed fresh blood, and they needed it fast.

Enter Stevie Harrington, a pageant princess with long legs and a lot to prove.”

Fem Harringrove Roller Derby AU.

[boldlyvoid]

Hypothetically | Chapter 21-24

Summary: Reader and Spencer were friends in kindergarten, she watched him grow up and explore the world while she was still trying to catch up to him. now that they work together, they fall in love incredibly fast. friends to lovers, case of the week style story.

Warnings 18+: Murderers, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Blood, Guns, mentions of autopsy, Fluff, Falling In Love, Friends to Lovers, bed-sharing, Riding, Unprotected Sex, Virgin Reader, Case of the Week, original crimes, Food mention, Smut, Oral Sex, Light BDSM, Pregnancy, Pregnancy Talk, obgyn appointments and info, Home Invasion, Past Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Emotional Manipulation, Grooming, Pedophilia mention, non-con oral (male receiving), Pregnant Sex, Daddy Kink, Breeding Kink, Homophobia, conversion therapy

A/N; thee case in c21 is personal to me, like fictional revenge.

word count so far: 70K (chapter 1-25)

chapter 21

Having Spencer all to herself for 3 weeks straight was an experience she’ll never forget. They had the whole month of January off together, painting and re-decorating their home till it was exactly how they wanted it. It felt like home, it was theirs for real now.

Painting the bedroom green was the best idea she’s ever had. When the sun finally woke them up every morning, it wasn’t as blinding. It was paradise. The golden beams of light cast a beautiful glow around the room, it was like she was in a magic forest at the start of every day.

Spencer was laying on his back, his hair scattered on the pillow. He looked so peaceful, sleeping with his mouth wide open. Y/N was leaning on her elbow, looking down at the beautiful man she had the pleasure of spending the rest of her life with.

She brushed the hair off his face, watching his nose scrunch up as he felt her fingertips on his cheek. The sun on his face made him glow, he looked like a gift from god laying before her.

“Good morning baby,” she whispered softly. Dragging her finger along his jaw and down his neck, “we get to go to work today.”

Spencer stretched as he woke up, slipping an arm under her and pulling her into his chest. She held on tight, kissing his neck as she settled in. “Morning,” he replied. Raspy as ever.

“Wanna go get breakfast?” She asked softly.

He laughed against her skin, “gotta feed the baby.”

“And the wiiiife,” she teased.

“Not for another 11 weeks and 2 days,” he corrected her. “But yes, we should go get breakfast,” he whispered after a moment.

“Come on get up,” she replied with a big smile. He patted her ass as she peeled out of his grasp. Sitting up and stretching, taking a look down at the basketball protruding from her stomach. “Damn.”

“What?” Spencer asked.

She stood up beside the bed and pulled her shirt up, showing Spencer how big her stomach was. Turning sideways so he really got a good look at it. Spencer leaned over and kissed her right on her belly button that was beginning to pop.

“I know your ears are on in there, I love you, Matthew,” Spencer whispered against her skin.

She couldn’t stop smiling, taking a moment to rub her hands over the bump in amazement. “Hi Mr. Matty MaGoo, mommy also loves you.”

“Mr. Matty MaGoo?” Spencer laughed, looking at her with the biggest smile.

“Yes,” She laughed. “It just came to me, and it's going to stick.”

“Derek’s been calling him Mini G,” Spencer added.

“We should tell him it's Matthew, then he can be little Matty G,” Y/N swooned. “Seriously let’s go I miss everyone.”

“Okay, okay go get ready then,” he insisted, getting out of bed and dragging her to the bathroom.

—

Spencer drove, giving her a chance to look over her work emails before the day started. She was still CC’d on a bunch of VICAP things, being able to snoop on what was coming in and inspecting it.

Sometimes Mindy would CC her in just for an opinion.

Subject: Found Something. From; Mindy Patel To; SSA Y/N Y/L/N, Unit Chief SSA Aaron Hotchner, SSA-CL Jennifer Jareau

There’s been a child abduction in Arizona, I’ve pieced together some thing’s I’ve been working on in the background that might help the case if you are called in to assist. Even if you are not I believe you should take a look at this.

Mindy Patel, VICAP.

Attachment

Year: 1998 Victim 1: Emily Lawrence - 13. Kept till 16. Taken: August 3rd, 1998. Williams, AZ Found: June 10th, 2001. Camp Verde, AZ ME: decay has he placed at 48 hours postmortem when she was found - strangled, sexually assaulted long term, extensive throat damage. Never been pregnant. - COD: asphyxiation Info: good student, innocent shy girl. Followed the rules. Taken when walking home from school. Held for 3 years, assaulted and chained. Dumped without care.

Year: 2001 Victim 2: Olivia Tomms - 13. Kept till 16 Taken: August 3rd, 2001. Payson, AZ Found: June 23rd, 2004. Florence, AZ ME: decay has her at about 2 weeks postmortem. - strangled, sexually assaulted long term, extensive throat damage. Never been pregnant. - COD: asphyxiation Info: good student, innocent shy girl. Followed the rules. Taken when walking home from school. Held for 3 years, assaulted and chained. Dumped without care.

Year: 2004 Victim 3: Shelby Summers - 13. Kept till 16. Taken: August 3rd, 2004. Peach Springs, AZ Found: July 16th, 2007. Keams, AZ ME: decay has her at over a month postmortem. - strangled, sexually assaulted long term, extensive throat damage. Never been pregnant. - COD: asphyxiation Info: good student, innocent shy girl. Followed the rules. Taken when walking home from school. Held for 3 years, assaulted and chained. Dumped without care.

Year: 2007 Victim 4: Beth Green - 11. Kept till 13 Taken: August 3rd, 2007. Saint John, AZ Found: January 13th, 2010. @ flagstaff hospital. ME: COD complications from a miscarriage. Massive blood loss. - well taken care of. Throat damage. Signs of being detained long term. Info:good student, innocent shy girl. Followed the rules. Taken when walking home from school. Held for 3 years, assaulted and chained. Dumped with remorse like he didn’t want her to die, and he felt sorry because he loved her.

Newest abduction: Name: Sally Irvine - 12 Taken: February 3rd, 3pm. Middle School pick-up (missing 13 hours now) Witness Report: Italian/greek man. Early 30’s. Claimed to be her parents assistant. Sally was used to going home with random people from her parents' work. Handsome man, very charming and convincing. He wore a suit and drove a Silver Honda Civic. Rust at the back, partial plate HC8.

“Fuck,” Y/N cried silently as she scrolled through all the information, even in a compact form.

“What’s wrong?” Spencer asked, looking over at her with concern.

“Um,” she didn’t really know why she was reacting like this at first. Then it hit her. “Mindy sent me a case and it’s hitting a little too close to home.”

“Would you like to explain it yet? It’s okay if you want to process it alone,” Spencer comforted her easily like it was his second nature.

She let out a deep breath. “There’s a serial killer in Arizona that is kidnapping girls between 11 and 13, only keeping them 3 years. Every ME report says they have extensive internal throat damage, and 3 of the 4 found were never pregnant. This unsub is forcing them into oral for 3 years straight.”

“Fuck,” Spencer agreed. “I think we should take this one, if you can’t I would fully understand.”

“I think the unsub is my rapist.”

Spencer pulled over onto the side of the road. Putting the car in park and flashing the 4-ways. He turned to her softly and looked at her with a blank face.

“Walk me through it.”

“What?”

“If I’m going to go in there with you and tell Hotch that this is the same guy who hurt you, then you’re going to need to explain it to him and the team,” Spencer explained softly. “You’ve never even told me the full story, I don’t know anything about that summer other than the fact something happened. The first time you repeat this in front of me is going to be hard, and I don’t want you to have to do that in front of all of them.”

She couldn’t help herself from letting out a small sob, “okay.”

She took a few minutes to collect her thoughts, and calm down enough to get full words out of her mouth.

“When I was 12,” she started. “My mom went back to work, and she didn’t trust me to watch my brothers because they were rowdy and never listened to me. Like you said, they were more like my older brothers.

“My dad’s best friend, Jimmy, his wife had MS so she was home all the time. They had 3 older children and a few foster boys, she was used to lots of kids being there. And she had a pool to keep us occupied,” she bit her lip before she explained anymore.

“My mom’s birthday is June 8th. That’s when victim 1 was murdered,” was the first fact she explained that related to the case. She handed Spencer her phone so he could read and follow along.

“My dad is a Mason with the Masonic Lodge in Los Vegas, and he was becoming the master of his division on my mom's birthday that year, so we rented a hall and had a big party. Jimmy’s foster son was there, you remember Christopher Torsey? He was a freshman and I was in grade 6, about to enter grade 7, that was when the grooming started. He took me into the back room and asked if anyone had ever kissed me, I said no. He leaned in and kissed me in the dark and I was a giggly mess.

“My parents and his were really friends and he would come over all the time, our dads would drink in the backyard with our mothers till 1 in the morning most weekends. So I spent long periods of time with this boy for a few years, trusting him like a friend before he started anything. That summer he would always find a way to wander off with me, at first it was just kissing in different places where we could be alone together. Then he would touch my boobs, and he had me take my shirt off a few times.”

Spencer looked calm, but the redness in his face and the pulse in his neck told a different story. Her breathing got heavier as she had to recall it all, and she didn’t want him to be so upset.

“We worked at a local church camp together that July, we’d do crafts and sing songs and after all the kids left and we had to clean up, he’d find a way to take me to the room where they held the nativity scene out of season. He’d start kissing and touching me like normal, and then Kendra walked in once and saw and suddenly he went from obsessed with me, to disgusted, saying I came on to him and that it was all me. He was disgusted by me when we were in public, but he loved me apparently behind closed doors.”

“On August 3rd,” a tear slipped down her cheek. “The day the girls go missing. That was the first time he took me back to the shed and said ‘when two people are in love, they do things, and I love you. So you have to,’ He took his, you know, and I’d never seen one before. It was scary and I didn’t want to, I wanted to leave, but he pushed me against the wall and down to my knees.” She had to stop to take a breath, Spencer was crying silently as he watched her explain it all.

“He kept me trapped there while he did it,” she explained. “The worst part is that his parents were hosting a wedding that night, so no one could hear me basically screaming no over the music. He knew that. And so, when I complained about the sore throat the next day, my parents thought it was from all the singing.”

Spencer let out a shaky breath, he looked at her with so much love and sadness, she knew he loved her. She reached across the centre console and wiped the tears off his face, pecking his lips softly before sitting back to continue.

“The dates match up, he was Italian, they’re all 11-13 with throat damage,” she ran it down. “It’s him.”

Spencer licked his lips, wiping the tears off his face before taking a deep breath. “Okay, let’s go tell Hotch.”

Aaron stood up from his desk after Y/N explained the situation, walking up close to her with a sad smile on his face, “this was a very hard thing to come forward with. How would you like to participate in the investigation?” He was soft with her for the first time, it was surreal.

“Um, I’d like to come with you to Arizona,” she said softly. “when Garcia finds him, I’d like to be the one to interview him.”

“Do you think that is a wise idea?” He asked softly.

“When I was 16, years after everything happened. I went to Jimmy’s house for an event, and Christopher was there, and I went to his room. I was so desperate for the bullying to stop. For the lies, he had told about me to go away, that I went in there and apologized to him,” her voice almost disappeared as she got to the end of the sentence. Crying in disbelief. “2 years later he started abducting. I apologized to my rapist and he started kidnapping girls. I need to look him in the eyes and find out why he did it.”

“Okay, let’s tell the team.”

Y/N and Garcia spent an hour building the case files and compiling all the data they had on Christopher Torsey. Joining the team in the briefing room, where Spencer had already relayed the events to the team. Y/N didn’t need to describe it all 3 times in 2 hours.

She passed all the folders out, trying to avoid the looks the team gave her. They were sorry, they respected her, they wanted revenge for her. She knew it all came from a place of love, however, she hated being perceived by others.

It was a trauma thing. For so long people had the wrong idea about her, she was bullied and put down, and hated for no reason. She hates any form of attention, the glances and staring, the whispers of rumours being told as fact. It was stressful.

“Before we start,” she started softly. “Thank you in advance for your concerns, but I’ve been in therapy for 10 years. I’m very happy, this is gonna fuckin’ suck, but at the end of the day I’m coming home to a man who loves me, a baby on the way, and the best friends I can ask for. He’s going to prison. I win.”

Derek smiled at her, “that’s my girl. What did you find?”

“Christopher Torsey was born in November of 1979. His father was extremely abusive, he was in the ER a lot by the time he was 11. His mother killed herself in front of him when he was 12, he also watched his father rape his mother according to his child therapist,” Garcia started. Not knowing how to say the next part without Y/N crying.

“He uh, he said that his dad would tell his mom to be quiet. That-uh, I’m sorry, shouldn’t you say this?”

Y/N stepped in without a second thought. “He said that his father would hold the fact that he loved her over her head to force her into having sex with him. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.”

“He’s our guy for sure. Do we have an address?” Prentiss asked.

“Yeah, he lives in a double-wide trailer in Cottonwood. Near the back with his own access to the main road,” Y/N explained. “I knew he moved to Arizona when Jimmy finally kicked him out. I haven’t heard from him in years.”

“Y/N is coming with us, wheels up in 20.”

—

Cottonwood PD waited for them to arrive before apprehending him. They were concerned that he would run, with his access to the woods and a four-wheeler in his possession, it was a matter of boxing him in quietly with a backup plan in place and men on the ground.

“Can I suggest something?” Y/N cut into the Police Chief and Hotch’s conversation.

“Sure.”

“Um, what if I walk up in our civilian clothes, and just pretend that we’re there to rub it in his face that I'm happy and in love,” Y/N suggested. “I can wear a wire, you can be in a surveillance van listening in. You’ll be right there if we see Sally or sense something’s up.”

“Are you sure you can do that?” Hotch asked her.

“I am,” she turned to Spencer, “if you can control your temper you can come. If not, I’ll show up with Derek and still rub it in his face that someone loves me now.”

Spencer sighed deeply as he contemplated it. “I’ll kill him,” he admitted. “Take Derek.”

“Let’s get suited up,” Derek patted Spencer’s shoulder. “I won’t let him hurt her again. Don’t worry.”

“I know.” Spencer looked disappointed.

Everyone left the room, leaving Spencer and Y/N alone. She wrapped her arms around him in a tight hug resting her face against his chest. He softly held her in return, rubbing his hands along her back with his cheek on her head.

“I love you, forever and always,” She reminded him. “And I know how much you love me, believe me. I wouldn’t have been able to do this if I didn’t truly believe Chris was wrong.”

She pulled back when she felt a tear on her head. She wiped it softly with her thumb as he leaned his cheek into her palm. “I am loveable, and you love me. I win.”

He laughed softly, “I won too.”

She pulled him into a soft kiss, “I’ll be back in your arms soon.”

“I’ll be in the van watching the whole time, I love you so much,” he added for good measure.

She smiled as she walked away, throwing a fist in the air like the end of the breakfast club. Knowing full well he’d never get the reference. JJ on the other hand, laughed as she followed with Spencer.

They changed into regular clothes, getting in a car from the impound lot and following the surveillance van. Morgan was quiet, Y/N knew he wanted to talk to her, to go over the plan, but he didn’t know how to. The wire wouldn’t be on till they walked out, giving Y/N and Derek their privacy if he ever chose to speak.

“Did you ever confront your guy?” Y/N asked.

He nodded, “Carl Buford. I got to show him who I am now, that I put men like him behind bars. That I’ll always win.”

“Is it a good feeling?”

Derek set his hand palm up on the centre console, looking at her softly as if to ask her to take it. She interlocked their fingers, he rubbed his thumb against her skin.

“You’re right, it fucking sucks. The original pain never goes away, but there is a content feeling knowing he won’t get to hurt another person, that he might get his ass kicked in prison,” he smiled that beautiful Derek smile. “I’ll always be here for when you need someone who gets it.”

“Thank you,” she smiled.

They pulled into the trailer park slowly, separating from the team as they approached Christopher’s trailer. “Just pretend you’re Spencer, treat me the way he would. I know Spencer tells you everything, go off of memory of what he’s said about me.”

“You know he tells me everything?” Derek asked softly, laughing a little to himself.

“Because he also tells me everything,” she smirked. “When he’s tired and he rambles, he tells me about his whole day and that includes when he asks you for advice.”

“You two are gross,” he smiled. “I hope I can replicate it.”

“Come on,” she laughed, getting out of the car and waiting for Derek at the hood.

She took his hand before walking up to the door, a hand on her belly to make it look bigger. Really wanting to show off that she was in a better place than he was.

She knocked, 3 times, stepping back so he could open the door. She didn’t feel scared, she felt anxious in excitement to watch Derek take him to the floor.

“Y/N?” She heard his voice for the first time in 13 years. “What are you doing here?”

“My therapist suggested that I come here and show you someone actually did end up loving me, regardless of what you said,” she explained.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he panicked, flashing his eyes back and forth between her and Derek.

“I can come in and explain it for you if you’d like?” Y/N smiled. “You’ve got nothing to hide I assume? I’m just wildly obsessed with you and a liar right? That’s what you told everyone so I wouldn’t be able to say you forced my head on your dick with the promise that you loved me.”

“I- I uh,” he stuttered. Starting to shake lightly.

“That’s what you do to all the girls, isn’t it, Chris?” Derek cut in, pulling the screen door open and watching as Christopher ran to the back of the house. “We got a runner!!” He announced to the wire.

Y/N didn’t run after him, she knew the team had him. She walked through the house to watch from the back door. Only to find Spencer stiff-arming him.

Christopher flipped over Spencer’s arm, hitting the ground before Spencer was on top of him. Spencer punched him in the face, once, twice, three times before he stopped. Sitting over the unconscious man as he caught his breath. Everyone just watched him. He rolled Christopher over, cuffed him and walked away into the woods.

Y/N carefully jogged into the yard, passing the bleeding and groaning asshole she used to know as she ran after Spencer. He was walking too fast, and he didn’t look like he was going to stop.

“Spencer Walter Reid!” She yelled at him as if she was his mother. “Stop.”

He stopped abruptly, huffing as he did so. He only turned around to face her when she finally caught up to him. “Don’t touch me yet,” he instructed her.

“Okay,” she stopped a foot in front of him. “Look at me, breathe. In and out.” She used her hands as she motioned a breath in, and a release out. She repeated it 4 times, watching him do the same.

“Can I hug you now?” She asked softly.

He nodded, stepping into her space and wrapping himself around her. “I’m sorry,” he whispered.

“It was actually really appreciated,” she laughed. “I was debating if having a baby at 22 weeks was worth punching him in the face a few times.”

Spencer laughed softly into her shoulder. Squeezing her in his grasp as he breathed her in. “I love you.”

“I love you, more,” she smiled against his neck before pressing a soft kiss to his ever-beating pulse. “Let’s go see the team, come on.”

Y/N was adamant about searching the trailer with the team. Going to the surveillance van for a vest and gloves while Christopher was taken to the police station, and Spencer had his hand wrapped up.

It still smelled like him in there. The smell of his detergent mixed with smoke from the fireplace. It never changed. She noticed his PlayStation was on, he was still interested in games. He still slept with the brown comforter that was on his bed when she was 12. It was worn down, holes gathered at the bottom as it was almost see-through now.

She opened the closet to see a very large metal safe in its place. She took a deep breath, looking at the keypad to see what numbers had been worn down the most, guessing his password.

0803

It popped open, it made her feel sick to her stomach. As she opened it, she heard the muffled screams behind duck tape. Sally Irvine was tied up, hunched over in a tiny metal box while he played GTA.

She wanted to kill him.

“Hey, hey it’s okay,” she shushed the girl. “Sally, my name is Y/N. We’re here to take you home, you're safe now.”

Y/N took the tape off Sally’s mouth softly, the girl sobbed immediately. Not able to say a single thing as Y/N untied her and held Sally in her arms. Sally hugged her back as tight as she could, sobbing into her shirt as Y/N rocked her back and forth. Crying along with her.

“He did it to me when I was 12 too,” Y/N whispered.

Sally pulled back and looked at her with puffy eyes, “really?” She asked. Her voice low and scratchy.

“JJ can you get some water?” She called behind her. “Yes. I was his first.”

“Y/N,” the girl repeated. “That’s what he called me?”

She couldn’t stop the sick feeling in her gut, “let’s get you out of here.” She changed the topic, helping the little girl to her feet and to an ambulance.

Y/N smiled at her as she dropped her off with the EMTs, walking off into the woods as quickly as she could. She leaned over, holding her own hair back as she threw up on the ground.

She swatted away at the hand rubbing her back suddenly, continuing to hurl in the bushes as she heard them behind her, shushing her. She wiped her hand on her mouth before she calmed herself down.

She sighed and turned around to see Morgan. His arms were open for her to hug him, she buried her face in his chest as she cried. Not able to fully process all the information she just heard.

“Let’s get you home,” Derek whispered. Escorting her back to the car, she was done for the day.

chapter 22

Valentine’s day had come and gone by the time they finished their most recent case. Landing in Quantico very late on the 16th of February. Everyone departed the plane slowly, half asleep after the 3-hour flight.

“Did you guys miss any plans?” Y/N asked JJ and Emily as they walked together.

“Yeah,” Emily sighed, “I uh, I’ve been seeing someone.”

“Since when?” JJ asked, both her and Y/N suddenly not tired at all. They stopped on the tarmac and stared at her.

“Um, a few months now,” She blushed.

“Was this the sin to win weekend?” Y/N asked softly.

Emily nodded, “what’s sin to win?” JJ asked just as quietly.

“It’s a weekend for gay people in Atlantic City,” Emily replied. “It’s an easy way to mingle in a safe space.”

“Oh,” JJ was shocked. “Oh, so you’re, and you too?” She pointed at both of them as the information was processed.

Y/N and Emily smiled at her and laughed. “Bi? Yes,” Y/N replied.

“I’m still not sure,” Emily added. She sighed deeply, shaking her head as she tried to speak again. “I’ve never really enjoyed male company? It feels more like a performance than a relationship.”

“I mean good for you for noticing that now, if it wasn’t for Spencer I’d be in the same boat,” Y/N smirked at her. “He’s more than just a pretty face.”

“Wow,” JJ was shocked. “I would’ve never known.”

Emily placed her hand on JJ’s back, leading her towards the charter back to headquarters, “oh you poor, poor, heterosexual woman.”

“She has a cat, she cuts her bangs when she’s stressed and she bites her fingernails,” Y/N explained to JJ as they picked their seats. “She likes pussy, JJ.”

Emily smacked her arm lightly, all of them laughing hysterically. The boys walked onto the bus to their cackling, desperately wanting to know what was so funny.

“I was just telling them, I met someone and I’d like for you to all meet her soon,” Emily explained to the rest of the team. “I think you’ll really like her.”

“No way,” Derek smiled, high-fiving her. “Congrats dude, welcome to the dark side.”

“You too?” JJ was shocked. “Okay, put your hand up if you’re a straight person,” she stretched her arm into the air. Hotch and Rossi joined her.

“Really?” Spencer and Y/N looked at each other with excitement.

“What the fuck?” JJ was dumbfounded. “How did I not know this?”

“It just never came up before,” Derek shrugged. “Tell us more about this girlfriend of yours, Prentiss.”

“Or,” Y/N cut in. “you could bring her to Vegas in April.”

“Why?” Emily smirked at her.

“If you’re all free on April 23rd,” She teased them along. “Spencer and I would like you to come to our wedding at my parent’s house.”

“Oh!” JJ and Emily freaked, “holy shit!”

“So, you guys are in?” She laughed.

“Yeah!”

For 2 in the morning, the bus was the most excited they had ever been. And Penelope didn’t even join them on this trip. Normally it was her making this kind of excitement, Y/N basked in the happiness that filled the bus.

They discussed little details on the way to their cars, standing in the garage for a good 15 minutes as they planned the dates they’d need to arrange to have off. Hotch knew he could pull some strings to use everyone’s vacation time for a few days.

They exchanged hugs before breaking apart for the night. Planning to return around noon that same day. Giving them a sweet 9 hours of peace and quiet.

“We still need to invite Penelope,” Spencer whispered when they were halfway home. Interrupting the silence that Y/N was enjoying.

Y/N laughed softly, watching him drive with a smile on his face. “I only told the rest of them because Penelope somehow hacked into my calendar app, to plan a baby shower around my schedule, and saw the plans.”

“Of course,” he nodded along.

“So yeah,” she smiled. “She’s told me that she wants to throw me a baby shower/bachelorette party now.”

“That would be nice,” Spencer agreed, squeezing her thigh where his hand was always glued to her.

“If we even get more time off before the wedding, I’m crossing every appendage on my body in the hopes all the psychos take the day off!” She laughed, twisting her arms and legs in a demonstration.

He laughed, leaning against the wheel as he tried to keep his focus on the road. “I love you.”

“You better!” She teased him.

It went quiet again. She could hear the tires on the sandy slush. The grinding of pressure as the snow compressed into the tire tread. Small rocks being flicked up from the wheels, smacking the underbelly of the car as they approached their house.

She sighed as she saw the place, the beautiful green door illuminated by the porch light. Screaming ‘welcome home!’ As they pulled into the parking spot.

Sleep surprisingly came easier to her the more pregnant she got. She was used to laying on her left side now, she actually preferred it, because it means that every morning when she woke up, the sun came in just perfectly to make Spencer glow.

The alarm on Spencer’s table started to beep letting them know it was 10:30. She softly watched him roll over and smacked the machine before turning back to her and closing his eyes once more.

“No.”

She huffed in a silent laugh, getting closer to kiss the tip of his nose. “Time to wake up,” she whispered between kisses spread across his face.

He was trying his best not to smile as she peppered his skin with kisses. Pushing him onto his back so she had more skin to cover. It had been a while since they did anything together.

Between the cases and the baby, and everything Spencer learned about her past trauma. He’s been a little distant, and it was starting to make her worry. Dr. Korrapati promised that this sudden burst of anxiety was normal at this stage of pregnancy. It was what contributed the most to the nesting phase, but it still scared her.

She wanted to kiss him, to run her hand down his chest and palm over his boxers until she couldn’t take it anymore. So she did, just a little more seductively.

She moaned softly as she kissed the patch of skin under his ear and down his neck softly. She dragged her fingers over his skin, looping around his nipple as she sucked on his neck. She lifted her leg lightly over his, trying to get some friction between her legs as she kissed him.

“We should probably just go to work,” Spencer softly interjected.

She sighed, dropping her forehead against his shoulder and letting her shoulders slouch.

“I’m not broken!” She sat straight up as she yelled at him. “Can I please just fuck my boyfriend? I have been horny for Weeks,” she wasn’t sure where the sudden burst of emotion came from.

“Oh,” he sat up too, resting his hand on her back softly. “I didn’t realize you wanted to after everything, and the baby? You’ve had a rough few months.”

She laughed lightly, “Spence, of course I do?”

She looked at him softly, cupping his jaw in her hand. “I’ve had to process my trauma before. Yes, it’s still bothering me, and yes I have new trauma that I need to address with my therapist. But,” she emphasized. “I am a woman with needs, and one of those needs is getting railed before work by Doctor Reid.”

“You’re one hundred percent sure?” Spencer asked again.

She smiled and nodded, pushing him back down against the pillows. She resumed her last position, putting her leg between his so they could grind lightly and make out. “If it gets to be too much, I’ll ask you to stop.”

“Okay,” Spencer looked up at her, brushing her hair behind her ear as she hovered over him. “I love you.”

“Prove it,” she teased him, leaning in and kissing his neck again.

He reached behind her to grab her ass, she had noticed his hands gravitating there more as she gained pregnancy weight. She wasn’t complaining either, the way his hands felt on her skin was glorious.

He was putty in her hands, tilting his head to the side so she could kiss, lick and suck wherever she so pleased. She reached her free hand into his hair while he other kept her steady, in the perfect spot to grind against his boney hip.

He was all gasps and heavy breaths underneath her, she raised her leg lightly dragging it over his hardening erection before putting herself back in place. Just wanting to see how far along he was.

She rolled onto her back then, laying flat, waiting for him. He pushed his underwear to his ankles as he flipped on top of her. She was nothing but giggles as Her Spencer came out to play.

Opening her legs, she greeted him back into her grasp as he hovered over her. Both hands planted against the pillow as he looked down at her. His hair falling into his eyes, she pushed his hair back behind his ears.

“You might need a haircut soon,” she teased him, biting her lip softly.

“Shhh,” he whispered.

She took his right hand from beside her head, gripping him by the wrist and guiding him towards her mouth. Taking his middle and ring finger in, sucking on the digits softly. Making him release a sound she’s never heard before.

She looped her tongue around his fingers, spreading them lightly as she licked a stripe through them. Feeling his skin against her teeth, which only seemed to excite him more.

She pulled off with a pop, he looked mesmerized by the trail of spit that connected her bottom lip to his wet fingers. “Fuck,” he gasped as his breathing hitched.

“You know where to put them,” she whispered up at him, staring into his eyes as she bit her lip.

He kissed her quickly, pulling her forward so he could get the t-shirt she was still wearing off her body, throwing it off the bed as he kissed her neck, sucking a mark into the skin as he pushed his hand into her panties.

“Jesus,” he whispered against her neck as he felt how wet she was. “You weren’t kidding.”

Making her twitch slightly as he used the two fingers that were just in her mouth, to drag up and down on her clit. Rubbing it back and forth between the two knuckles.

“Fuck,” she breathed out as she gripped his hair. Palming his scalp while he kept kissing her neck.

She could feel him grinding against the bed as he kissed her, moaning against the space under her ear as he quickened his finger movements.

“I need you to fuck me, like yesterday,” she panted against his mouth, licking his bottom lip after.

He pulled away from her then, lifting her hips to drag her panties down. Keeping them on one of her ankles as he gripped the base of his cock and sat on his knees.

The sight between her legs was phenomenal. The glow of the sun on the lake through the windows as Spencer stroked himself in front of her.

Suddenly, he took both of her knees in his hands. Pushing them to her chest slightly before flipping her over. Extending her hips as he held her ass up. Kissing each cheek softly before straightening his posture.

“Ready?” He asked, she wasn’t expecting it.

Her face pressed into the pillow as she tried to find the best position to support herself. Pushing her hips back in a silent yes. He understood her body language, lining himself up with her and slowly pushing in.

She pushed back against him as well, moaning as she took all of him. “Finally,” she sighed, wiggling against his hips.

He gripped her hips, pushing her off abruptly before slamming back in. She was shocked, letting out a gasped moan as he fucked into her. Taking the instructions too literally, railing her.

She had never been that loud before in her life. Concerned Rossi would be able to hear them from across the lake, but it didn’t stop her. Only enticing him to keep it up.

She pressed her face into the pillow more as she attempted to reach her clit. She couldn’t, “fuck, Spence?”

“Yeah?” He slowed.

She took his hand off her hip, “can’t reach.” Her breath was erratic as she tried to explain.

“Aw poor bunny,” he teased her, slowing to a grind as his fingers ghosted over her clit. “Can’t get yourself off anymore?”

“Please daddy?” She let it slip, feeling his cock twitch inside of her as she did.

He leaned forward, kissing her shoulder softly. “Tell daddy what you want, use your big girl words.”

She pushed back against him, raising herself from the pillow to look over her shoulder at him. “I was going to say breed me, daddy.” She teased, watching his entire personality change. “But it looks like you already did.”

He licked his lips, pushing his hair out of his face as he shook his head at her. “You’re going to regret that.”

She pressed her face back into the pillow and perched her ass back more, ever the invitation. He ran his hand softly over her asscheek, slapping it before he started to fuck her again, reaching around to rub her clit, like she asked, ever so nicely.

They found their rhythm then, pushing against each other in just the right way. Between her deep breathing and the moans she released, the only other thing she could only hear was the sound of their skin slapping together as Spencer fucked her harder than ever before.

“Fuck, sweet Jesus I love your cock,” she praised him, punching into the pillow as she pushed herself back into him, on all 4’s now.

Using his free hand, he spread his fingers through her hair. Gripping her at the roots and pulling her head back as he slammed into her.

“Yes, daddy,” Y/N panted as she felt herself get closer to the edge. “Right there.”

“Cum for me bunny,” he instructed her, “let me fill your perfect little cunt.”

She came with a shout, pushing back against him as his words pushed her over the edge. Not being able to ever say no to that man, feeling his hips shake as he tried to fuck her through his own orgasm.

He pulled out, flipping her limp body back over so she could lay on her back, releasing the pressure on her stomach. Legs still spread as he observed his handiwork, scooping it up with his fingers and pushing it back inside of her. Making her clench up at the feeling.

“Spence-“

“Too much?” He smirked down at her.

She nodded, catching her breath as he just sat there. Still, on his knees, cock now soft and resting against his leg. She preached herself up on her forearms, shaking her head at him as she bit her lip.

“Where the fuck did that come from?” She asked him.

“I have no idea,” he laughed. “But hypothetically,” he bit his lip and raised his eyebrow. “I wouldn’t mind revisiting that on a later date.”

She laughed, dropping back against the sheets. “Me either.”

—

She waddled from the car to the elevator. A mixture of pregnancy and over-extending her hips, exercising with Spencer. Lamaze class more specifically, if anyone asked.

“I should really start calling you ducky,” Spencer whispered in the elevator.

“I hate you,” she bit her lip to stop herself from laughing.

“Really?” He teased her, “because if I recall 27 minutes and 15 seconds ago when you were saying ‘fuck, sweet Jesus, I love your cock,’” he whispered into her ear.

The elevator doors opened as her jaw dropped, “notice how I specified which part, Doctor Reid?” She answered abruptly, walking out towards her coworkers.

“So that’s how it’s going to be?” He said as he followed her. Making everyone turn around to see them.

“What’s going on?” Morgan noticed it first.

“Nothing,” Y/N rolled her eyes. “Just correcting the genius.”

“On?” Prentiss pried.

“Well this morning she said and I quote-“

“I will cut your balls off and hang them from the mirror in my car,” she snapped, glaring at him as she pointed her finger in his direction.

“Mama’s got claws,” Morgan laughed at them. “Damn.”

Spencer wrapped his arms around her, kissing her cheek in front of everyone. She turned pink, pretending to be pissed while a smile crept onto her face.

“She loves me,” Spencer smiled, pressing their cheeks together.

“One part, it’s nice to me and doesn’t talk back,” she replied, making everyone laugh as Spencer shook his head.

“Okay, you win,” he put his hands up in surrender as he backed away. Opening the door to the bullpen and disappearing behind his desk.

chapter 23

St. Patrick’s Day was never a holiday that Y/N or Spencer really cared for. Yes, they wore green to work, but other than that they didn’t really see the hype. They were Halloween people.

Will and JJ, on the other hand, went all out.

It was something to do with Will’s love for beer and his frat-boy attitude. Explaining to them that morning in the bullpen that the best parties on his college campus were around St. Patrick’s day and Mardi Gras, making February and March party central in his life.

They walked in with little Henry, decked out in green from head to toe. Green beads around his neck, gold chocolate coins in a basket, and the cutest little shamrock light-up head bopper.

“Look at you!!” Y/N called out to Henry as she walked into the room. Opening her arms up and leaning down to pick him up as he ran into her arms.

“Any Y/N!” Henry called her, not being able to say his T’s yet.

She pressed his tiny cheek against her face as she picked him up and snuggled him against her chest. It was getting harder to pick him up now that she was pregnant but she wasn’t going to miss a Henry snuggle.

“Since when did the FBI consult with leprechauns?” She asked him, booping her nose against him.

“Nooo,” Henry leaned back in her arms, “I’m not a leopard-con,” he tried his best to say the word. Making the team all laugh.

“Well, either way, why’s my favourite little guy here today?”

“Hey?” Spencer complained.

She leaned her elbow into him, “hi unca Spence,” Henry smiled at him. Spencer ran his fingers through Henry’s hair, messing it up under the headband.

“He wanted his godparents to see his outfit before the party at daycare today!” JJ explained with excitement.

Y/N placed him back on his feet, “go on the, show it off!”

He walked around the room, doing a fake model strut as he shook his diapered butt, walking towards the stairs before running back. “Woooow!” Everyone clapped and cheered.

Y/N looked up from Henry’s gaze, seeing Emily in Hotch’s office with a blond woman she didn’t recognize, “what’s going on in there?” She pointed.

“They’ve been in there all morning,” Rossi explained. “I think that’s the girlfriend.”

“How so?” Spencer asked, moving across the room to get a better view through the blinds.

“The way Emily leans against her, hand on her arm like that as she speaks. That’s the same way you and lady boy-wonder act when you’re in there together,” Rossi raised an eyebrow at them.

“Ahh,” Y/N smirked. “I wonder what happened, no one talks to Hotch with the door closed unless they need us to look into something.”

“I’ve gotta go,” Will cut in, scooping Henry up from the carpet with a tight-lipped smile.

“Bye buddy,” Y/N scrunched her nose at him, getting in close to press their noses together. “Have a good day today.”

“Bye, love you,” JJ kissed both her boys and watched them leave the room.

“they’re the best,” Y/N said as she wrapped an arm around JJ.

“Anyone want to go sit and have coffee while we wait for them?” Derek asked prior to a long yawn.

Rossi patted Derek on the back, leading him up the stairs and towards the briefing room. The remaining team members following their lead, discovering fresh donuts and flowers waiting for them.

“A gift for helping in advance, -Noelle” Read the small card on the table.

“Emily’s girlfriend?” JJ pondered, holding the card up and waving it slightly.

“I like her already,” Derek said, kicking his feet back and taking a donut.

Hotch walked in with Emily and Mindy 45 minutes later. Following them was a beautiful blond woman, probably 6’1 even in her flat running shoes. She was wearing cuffed blue skinny jeans and a big Barbie Pink petticoat.

She smiled lightly as she walked in, glueing herself to Emily’s side. “This is Noelle, my partner, Noelle these are my co-workers.”

“Hi!” She waved, “let me guess. Chocolate thunder, Derek Morgan.” She pointed to the nearest person to her.

“Correct,” Derek nodded in her direction.

“You would have to be Penelope Garcia,” she guessed right once again. “Emily was right, your aura is very bright.”

“Oh,” Penelope blushed.

“Y/N and Spencer, she said you’d be basically sitting on top of each other,” making everyone on the team laugh. “JJ, she said you’re like wonder woman, you look more like you could be cast as Super Girl if you ask me.”

JJ blushed, “thank you, Henry would agree.”

“Rossi, I already knew you. I love your books,” she fangirled a little. Something Rossi was incredibly used to.

“Signing hours are from 6-8,” he teased her.

Noelle laughed, her smile wide and toothy. “It’s lovely to meet you all.”

“Noelle has come in today with concerns that local gay men in her circle of friends are going missing. Over the last few holidays, 3 of her friends have disappeared. Dropping all contact after a trip to the bar,” Hotch explained.

“I’m a firefighter,” Noelle explained. “I have a Facebook group of friends who are gay and in the forces in any capacity. Just to let each other know where they’re going, to be safe.”

“Smart system,” Rossi complimented. “But also incredibly easy for someone to pose as trustful to gain access and track them.”

“That’s what I was thinking,” Emily’s pressed lip smile portraying just how uncomfortable she was with the situation. “I’ve met our supposed victim number 3. Officer Perry is a great man and we haven’t heard from him since Friday.”

“Where was he going?” Y/N asked.

“He was at the bar with us on Friday for a little, we got a few beers and then he said he was meeting with a guy he met online, he was never big into online dating or even dating in general. He didn’t know how to be an officer and gay at the same time,” Noelle explained the situation fully. “He is one of my best friends, I excused it Saturday when he didn’t call cause I guessed he was having a good time. But when he missed Sunday dinner I knew something was wrong. I begged Emily to let me pitch this to you.”

“I believe you,” Hotch added. “Which is why I’ve asked Mindy Patel from VICAP to join us today.”

Mindy waved, she dressed more like a techie than an agent. Beanie, headphones on her neck and a big black sweater.

“Strauss and I agreed it would be beneficial to have a member of the team solely responsible for going through VICAP coincidences and letting us know. We stumble across too many rare cases thanks to Y/N and Mindy,” Hotch explained. “Mindy Patel is now officially VICAP Liaison. Her office will be across from Garcia’s from now on, she’s going to be our eyes and ears in the missing person world for the time being.”

“I took into account the fact that your friends were all masc for masc, on the police force in some capacity and male obviously,” Mindy explained. “And I found the two men from Valentines Day and New Years, and then more going back every major holiday for the last 2 years as of this St. Patrick’s day.”

“We’ve compiled the data and sent it to Garcia, it’ll be on your tablets shortly,” Hotch confirmed. “I’d like everyone to split up into teams and take an apartment of the most recent 3 victims. Prentiss and Rossi, you get New Years’.”

“Yes sir,” Emily agreed. “Noelle can stay here with Penelope for insight.”

“Yes. Reid, Y/N and Morgan, you’ll take officer Perry’s apartment. It’s the freshest so I need the best eyes.”

“Absolutely,” they replied in unison.

“Myself and JJ are going to the Valentines Day abduction,” check in with Garcia when you need to, fill me in on everything. Good luck.”

—

“Yeah a cop lives here,” Y/N laughed as she searched through the carefully organized home. Combing the place over for the slightest abnormality.

“He definitely wasn’t taken,” Morgan agreed. “He went willingly and never made it home.”

Dust was starting to settle on his possessions. Photos on the wall looked blurry as the sun shined through the windows. It smelled stale, no one had opened the windows in a while and the man who lived here worked out.

His clothing was organized by category. His laundry had 3 separate baskets for darks, lights and colours. Inside his bedside drawers, all his condoms were lined up by type. He was definitely anal about something.

“Guys?” Spencer called from the office.

Morgan and Y/N followed the sound of his voice, seeing him hunched over an iMac. “I moved the mouse and it’s open and unlocked.”

“But you don’t know what to do?” She teased him.

“Yeah,” he blushed. Watching Y/N sit in the desk chair and start looking through his things.

“His Facebook is pretty basic, he checked in at the bar with a photo here of him with Emily and Noelle, and then he went offline. He doesn’t have Twitter or Tumblr logged in, so I’m guessing he doesn’t have that,” Y/N explains as she stalked his activity. “In his history, your male basics. Case research, pornhub, Facebook, Hotmail… hold on.”

She read through all the subjects, all looking pretty normal. “What would a gay man hiding his sex life from his co-workers disguise his emails as?”

“Work-out appointments,” Morgan answered almost too quickly.

‘Workout’ she typed into the search bar. Seeing 15 messages from another man named domworkouts@hotmail.com. “got him, call Garcia.”

“Hey baby girl,” Derek spoke softly as she answered. “We got Jensen Perry’s computer open, his email shows he’s been working out with a domworkouts@hotmail.com.”

“Already working my finger magic,” she teased him. Hanging up before he could say anything back.

“That woman will be the death of me,” he sighed.

“I don’t think we’ll find anything else here, our best bet is with Garcia,” Y/N admitted as she closed all the windows. “Wait,” she pulled up the search and typed in ‘find my iPhone,’ “if he has a Mac he has an iPhone, not many people blend their tech.”

Last ping: 2256 Sheerly Lane, Friday at 23:56.

“I’ll call Hotch while you drive,” Y/N said, pulling out her phone and following the men out the door.

Morgan followed the GPS 15 minutes down the street to an apartment complex. It was worn down and looked as if no one had taken care of it in the last 25 years. “I’m calling Garcia before you go in, I don’t feel good about this.”

“Hey doll,” Garcia’s cheery voice was a nice refresher.

“Hey, do you have any info on who owns and occupies 2256, Sheerly Lane?” Y/N asked softly. “Also send backup to this location, it’s where Perry’s iPhone is apparently and it looks sketchy as hell.”

She heard the clicking of the keys before she heard Garcia’s reply. “Yep, we have 1 occupant. Amy Romano, 46, left the building after her mother died. She’s been living there in room 333 for years, not renting any rooms out at all in the last 3 years.”

“A woman?” Morgan was shocked.

“Must be why we’ve never found the bodies, female serial killers are 90% less likely to ever be caught,” Reid added his fun fact, one she’s heard from him a handful of times before.

“Exactly,” Y/N agreed. “What do we know about her?”

“She’s an interesting one,” Garcia’s tone changed. “Her father was a minister, big bible freak. Her mother was the maid here at the hotel before being given the deed from the original owner’s family. She died in 1988.”

“How much of the religious upbringing rubbed off on her?”

“Enough to make her have multiple psychotic breaks, being diagnosed with schizophrenia when she was 15,” Garcia gained more insight. “Claimed to have been visited by God, and was told sinners are punished by word of god. That one day she would be the one to follow his word for the righteous man.”

“What if she’s doing her own form of conversion therapy?” Y/N gasped. “She’s not killing them. She’s following god’s word and freeing them from their sins. This is the perfect place to keep them. Locking them in rooms away from each other, secluding them and only subjecting them to a female for long periods of time.”

“Garcia, we need back up right now,” Morgan stressed.

“they’re 4 minutes out, good luck in there my babies.”

“See you soon, baby girl.”

Being left out of raids was weird to her, watching Spencer put on a bullet-proof vest and load his gun without her cover made her anxious. Luckily, she got to stand with JJ outside. Watching the building as they listened over their radiofrequency.

“Clear,” Morgan spoke over the system.

“Clear here as well,” Hotch said. “Meet me at the stairwell.”

“I hate this,” Y/N whispered.

JJ ran her hand along Y/N’s back softly, “me too.”

“Floor 3, room 33,” Hotch explained. “I’ll kick in the door, Morgan, you enter first. Spencer and Prentiss, follow our lead.”

Not having a visual was the worst part. There was no way to know where they were or who was there. They worked on sounds, if and when the team decided to speak.

“1, 2, 3,” Morgan whispered before they heard the door smash in. “FBI!”

Then it was silent again, too quiet for anyone’s liking, staring up at the third floor trying to hear everything in the neighbourhood.

“Amy Romano put the gun down!”

“No!” They heard before 4 shots were fired.

Y/N’s heart was in her throat; she couldn’t hear anything going on inside. The officers asked over the radio for updates, hearing nothing in return. Y/N couldn’t stop herself from running towards the apartment buildings before anyone could catch her. Up 3 flights of stairs, drawing her gun and walking towards the room.

Morgan was shot in the arm, down. Prentiss, hiding behind a table with Morgan and Spencer as she tried to stop the bleeding. Hotch in the unsub’s grasp, fighting for a gun.

Hotch noticed Y/N in the doorway. Kicking the unsub down. Y/N wrapped her arm around the unsub’s neck, putting her in a headlock as Hotch attempted to cuff her. She struggled like a wet fish against them, slipping out of her grasp and falling to the floor.

“If God wants to tell me to stop, he’ll tell me himself!” She screamed.

Y/N presses her gun to her head, “he just did.”

“Amy Romano you’re under arrest for the kidnapping of 24 men, attempted murder of a federal agent and resisting arrest,” Hotch explained as he cuffed her.

“Y/N!” Spencer stood up, looking at her like she was the crazy person. “We agreed, 3rd trimester, no fieldwork.”

“You didn’t reply on the radio and suddenly I was here,” Y/N explained, “I’m sorry.”

“We need EMTs, Morgan’s been shot in the arm. The bleeding is under control, just hurry.” Prentiss ordered over the radio.

“Y/L/N is going to need to get checked as well,” Spencer added.

“Why?”

“You ran up three flights of stairs, wrestled an unsub and got elbowed in the side,” Spencer explained, taking her hand and leading her out of the room.

“I’m sorry, I get it now I really do,” Y/N stopped him in the hallway, holding him in her arms. “I don’t like when I can’t see that you’re safe.”

Spencer kissed the top of her head, “I love you.”

“The baby’s kicking,” she replied softly, “that’s good right? 4 movements in 30 minutes after activity is a good thing.”

Spencer laughed, pulling back to feel her belly. “I’m sure he’s all hopped up on adrenaline now, come on let’s get him looked at quickly.”

—

They found 16 of the 24 men alive and in critical condition inside the apartment building. SCSI was canvassing the scene with local cops, taping up the building and surrounding property while the city discussed demolishing the building altogether.

Y/N was able to witness Noelle running into Jensen Perry’s arms, hugging him as they cried in his hospital bed. Y/N could imagine the trauma he was going through, the terror and the fear of something you really don’t want, happening anyway.

“Why do people do terrible things in the name of God?” Y/N whispered towards Spencer, looking up at him with soft eyes. Truly curious.

“The religious system runs similarly to cults, they believe the words are to be followed and thus they will gain entrance to heaven. If there’s one thing humans are afraid of more than dying, it’s internal damnation. Holding the fact that they will suffer in death over their head is a way to get them to do anything.” Spencer explained softly. “With the right person, the wrong message can actually sound like a pretty good thing.”

Y/N let out a deep sigh, “how do you raise a good child in a fucked up world?”

“Matthew, 18; 1 through 5, At that time the disciples came to Jesus and said, “Who then is greatest in the kingdom of heaven?” And He called a child to Himself and set him before them, and said, “Truly I say to you, unless you are converted and become like children, you will not enter the kingdom of heaven.” Spencer repeated the bible verse softly. “Whoever then humbles himself as this child, he is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. And whoever receives one such child in My name receives Me.”

Y/N smiled, “I like that.”

“He was always supposed to be good, he has you as his mother.”

chapter 24

April rolled around out of nowhere. Suddenly the snow had all melted, the birds were returning, and the trees were starting to bud thanks to the week of thunderstorms.

Love was in the air, both in the wild and in Y/N’s life.

The wedding’s in 2 weeks and she’s growing daily. She wanted to wait till the last possible moment to get her dress. Wanting it to actually fit over her stomach on the big day without any struggle.

Being placed on office duty for the rest of her pregnancy made it easier, not being allowed to leave Mindy and Penelope's side, under direct order from Aaron Hotchner. She was starting to notice that the more pregnant she got, the more the men of the team wanted to protect her as well.

JJ said it was the same for her the first time, all the alpha personalities came out around the third trimester. It was like they didn’t quite register that a woman on the team was pregnant till it was abundantly clear.

The girls had all agreed to go to the dress store with Y/N when they had a free afternoon, but that didn’t seem to be happening any time soon. Y/N ended up going by herself between cases while Spencer was on a flight, trying on 6 different dresses before she found one that made her happy.

The sales associate was being extra nice to her, knowing she had both a big budget and no time. It was an easy sale, but this wasn’t an easy decision.

She tried a sleeveless, skin-tight number on first. Not being able to even move once she got in it, not even bothering to look in the mirror. It wasn’t right, that was for sure.

Eventually, by #5 they had an idea of what she wanted. Long sleeves to hide her stretch marks, it had to be flowy but still show off the bump. And she wanted lace, embroidery even. Something that made it different, something that was more like her. Always growing, changing, adapting.

She was wandering the racks when she saw it.

It was so long, the train had to be at least 6 feet. It was light, made with sheer fabric so it would twist and flow with whatever direction she ran or danced. She could imagine walking through the grass with the train flowing behind her with purpose.

The most wonderful aspect was the long sleeves and the neckline. Cupping her chest perfectly with a nice ribbon right above her bump. The entire dress reminded her of something, the floral embroidery sending her back to a dress she remembers from her childhood, not able to place it but knowing it in her heart.

She looked in the mirror at herself, she felt beautiful. She shook her head lightly as a tear fell down her cheek. “It’s perfect,” she whispered.

The sales associate shook a big bell then, causing everyone to look at her and cheer. “Are you saying yes?” She asked, as cheesy as it was, she loved it.

“Yes!” She cheered back, feeling the love from everyone in the store.

The dress was huge, she laid the bag against her passenger seat and stared at it for a while. It felt a little crazy that she was getting married in a few days, even crazier that she was having a baby in 2 months.

Her phone rang as she started to leave. “Hewwo?” She answered softly, knowing it was Spencer.

“I just got home, where are you?”

“Oh,” she smiled. “Penelope said you guys wouldn’t be back until 9, I went and picked out a dress.”

“Alone?” He sounded sad.

“It was better this way, I picked it for me and no one else,” she reassured him. “I’m on my way home now though baby, I’ll see you soon.”

“Okay, drive safe. I love you,” Spencer replied, his voice nothing more than a whisper.

“Love you too,” she hung up.

She sighed, turning on the stereo and driving home to her favourite albums. Driving alone was different for her now, she used to love just escaping into the Virginia wilderness, picking a road and an album and just going somewhere.

Driving with Spencer meant silence, hand-holding, humming and ha-ing as he discovered new facts that intrigued him. She loved it, the ambiance of Doctor Spencer Reid was not something you could replicate, it was special and calming and wonderful.

She couldn’t wait to get home to him.

He was waiting on the front porch as she rolled into the driveway. Joining her at the car, wanting to help her carry her things inside. “Hi,” she smiled at him as she stepped out.

He pulled her into a hug, kissing her cheek softly. “Want some help?”

“If you don’t mind carrying in my dress, I need to pee so bad!” She said, almost about to run inside when he stopped her.

“Like how bad?” He asked.

“Excuse me?”

“If you were to get surprised would you pee your pants?” He tried not to laugh as he asked.

“Spence?”

“Just go in,” he said softly.

She sighed, knowing what this meant. Walking up the stairs slowly, turning the doorknob just as slow. Not ready to have her eardrums blown out.

“Surprise!!”

Sure enough, there were balloons and flowers and her friends gathered all inside her front hall. “Oh my god?”

Penelope wrapped her in a hug first, “your first baby shower has to be special!”

“You guys really didn’t have to do this?” She was so shocked to be getting attention that she felt a little embarrassed.

“We wanted to,” JJ hugged her next, their bumps too big to hug normally, opting for more of a side snuggle. “I got you something to change into before we get started.”

Y/N took the small blue bag from her, kicking her shoes off before they went upstairs. Spencer joining with her wedding dress, hanging it in the closet and slipping back downstairs, unnoticed.

Y/N opened the gift bag on her bed, JJ looked around the room for the first time ever. Looking at the photos of their first day of kindergarten on the wall, the artwork they chose. How Spencer wrote notes to her on the mirror with whiteboard markers.

“You guys are really cute,” she smiled.

“Thanks,” she smiled.

Finally taking the dress out of the bag, it was just something simple. Blue with pink flowers. Something she’d definitely pick out on her own. “This is so beautiful!”

“I got it when I was pregnant with Henry and never had a chance to wear it,” She smiled, “thought that you’d like it more.”

Y/N hugged her, “seriously this is the best thing you guys could’ve done for me!”

“I’m also going to need a pink dress,” JJ said softly in her grasp.

“No?” Y/N was shocked. “Really a mini JJ?”

“Yeah,” she smiled softly. “Hurry up we have more surprises for you downstairs!”

—

It took her longer than she hoped to get changed. The baby was just big enough to make her winded all the time now. Having to stop and take a breather just from taking her pants off. Not to mention the struggle of standing up after peeing.

When she finally made it back down the stairs on her swollen feet, she heard a familiar giggle that she loved very much. “You didn’t?”

JJ smiled, “it was Rossi and Will, they flew them all in and got them here.”

Her parents, brothers and wives were all in the kitchen waiting for her. Then she saw Diana, who was pressed up close to Spencer having a conversation in their own little world.

She walked in and cried, hugging her parents for the first time in 5 months. Showing off her big baby bump and chunky face for the first time too.

“You look amazing!” Her mom complimented her, taking her hand and making her spin slowly.

“Thank you, I feel huge,” she smiled. “I can’t believe you guys are here, I’m literally coming home in 2 weeks!”

“When David Rossi calls you and says he has a jet picking us up, you don’t just say no,” her father laughed, wrapping his arm around Rossi. They were going to be something else together.

She gave Diana a big hug when she could, watching her rub her belly and talk to the baby through her stomach for a good 10 minutes. It was so cute, everyone in the room watched and swooned. Secretly always hoping Spencer’s family got a moment like this.

After dealing with the Riley Jenkins case, and Gideon leaving, they worried for him. They never expected him to just show up one day with a girl and start the rest of his life the way he did. But it just made sense. He sped through school and early adulthood well before Y/N, now they’re moving fast, just together.

They had pizza for dinner, spreading 6 different kinds across the counter and telling everyone to dig in. Y/N took a slice and walked around, mingling with everyone to ensure she thanked them for coming.

“Henry!” She finally found him with Chloe and Lizzie. He ran into her arms, giving her a big hug. “Did you meet my niece?”

“You’re my any?” He questioned her right back.

“Come here Clo,” she called her over, huddling them both in close to her. “You both get to call me aunty Y/N, isn’t that so cool? You’re new friends and you share an aunty!”

Chloe gave her a big hug, she was getting bigger and bigger every day, about to turn 4 in a few months. It felt a little crazy, but she wouldn’t have it any other way.

“How are you?” She asked her softly.

“I’m good,” she whispered at her, smiling before hiding her face in her dress.

“Are you having fun here? Did you meet buddy yet?”

“No!” Chloe’s face lit up.

“Well, what are we waiting for?” She gasped at them both, getting back up to her feet and walking with them to where Buddy hid in the laundry room.

He was curled into a ball in a basket of towels, peaceful in the quietest room in the house.

Chloe and Henry took turns petting Buddy, kissing his head and playing with his tail, it was good for him to get a little used to grabby kid's hands. She was a little worried about how he’d handle a baby, but he was a chill cat he never really cared about attention as long as he was fed.

Eventually, JJ and Lizzie found them, peeling them away from the cat with the promise of cake while Y/N opened her gifts from everyone.

Everyone was watching her as she sat down in the living room, feeling a little anxious like she had to perform for them or something. Spencer finally joined her on the couch then, wrapping his arm around her in a soothing motion.

“So,” Garcia started. “I took it upon myself to organize the party but I didn’t just stop there, I also emailed everyone a link to a chart where they could pick the category of gift they got you so that we avoided repeats and got everything you would need.”

“This is all so much,” she turned bright pink. “You guys really didn’t have to I feel like I haven’t bought anything for myself since I met Spencer.”

“Nonsense!” Penelope hushed her. “Here, pick whatever one grabs your fancy.”

Y/N’s eyes raked over the pile of gifts, “um that big one over there, why not.”

It was a big blue bag, stuffed to the brim with tissue paper. The card on the handle was signed, she opened it to find 'from; Erin Strauss' on it. “Oh?”

“She couldn’t come but she passed that along on behalf of the section,” Hotch explained.

Y/N didn’t waste any time opening it. Finding brand named everything that she would need for breastfeeding, losing her mind at the never-ending bag.

Almost every gift was the same, all themed and absolutely filled. She was never going to have to buy anything for Matthew, she got it all today.

Hotch and Haley got her a babies bath essentials set. Her parents equipped her with every form of linen she would ever need for a baby, as well as a quilt made just for Matthew.

Penelope bought easily $400 in clothes for him over the past 7 months, with the promise of not stopping any time soon. Derek and Emily got together to buy them an all-terrain stroller, for the walks they expect them to take down the back roads. Emily’s girlfriend even brought a mom after-care set for her.

Diana’s gift made her cry the most, opening the box to find old copies of childhood books. “Those were all Spencers when he was a child,” she explained softly. “His love for the world started with those stories, I would like for Matthew to know them too.”

“Absolutely,” Y/N wiped the tears off her face, leaning over to hug her. “If Matty ends up being even half as wonderful as Spencer I’ll be grateful.”

“Spencer, did you get her anything?” Diana asked him softly as she was still mid embrace with Y/N.

“It’s in the garage,” Spencer smiled.

She looked at him with excitement, “you didn’t!”

“I might have,” he smiled.

“What?” Rossi asked, hating suspense more than anyone on the team.

“I was joking about wanting to get an SUV and become a soccer mom,” Y/N’s whole face lit up. “Did you get me a soccer mom mobile?”

He smiled back at her, “here.”

She held the key in her hand, her car was old as hell. She has had it since she moved to Virginia and even then it was a 2004 model. She had never had a new car, with the fresh car smell and clean everything!

“I am so overwhelmed,” she announced, bouncing a little in her seat as she shook her hands. Stimming just a small amount in front of everyone in all the excitement.

“We’re all done celebrating you now, I think we can start getting out of your hair, right guys?” JJ stood and pressured everyone that wasn’t relying on their house for the night, out the door.

Penelope helped Debbie and Diana clean everything up around the house. Peeling Henry and Chloe away from each other was the most difficult part of the night, becoming fast friends and wanting to look at books all night together in uncle Spencers library.

Rossi offered to let her brother Levi and his wife stay at his place while Diana and Y/N’s parents took the guest room in her home. Harrison and Faith driving back to Fort Meade to their own house.

—

Y/N and Spencer sat up in their bed, leaning against the headboard as they listened to the quiet of their house. Their co-workers were gone, their parents were settled in the guest rooms and most likely still awake from the time difference. The day had been so crazy that she barely had time to wrap her head around it.

“So…” Y/N cut the awkward silence. “Wanna make out?”

He laughed at her, shaking his head. “Remember the last time you asked me to do that?”

“Yeah, I lost my virginity,” she whispered back at him. A little scared that everyone could hear them talking.

“We can't,” Spencer looked at her with wide eyes. “It's bad enough my mother knows I’ve had sex once let alone possibly hearing us.”

He nudged him a little, crawling into his lap and sitting there softly. Her belly pressed against him, filling the space between them as she held his face in her hands.

“They’re on the other side of the house,” she pouted. “Just make out with me?”

He kissed her quickly once, “why are you so needy tonight?”

“All day I’ve had everyone's attention but yours,” she explained softly. “I missed you and I want my Spencer time.”

He couldn’t say no to that, because he felt the exact same way. He ran his hands up her thighs, over her hips and finally resting them on her back. She ran her thumbs over Spencer's cheeks, looking at him softly as she tilted her head to really admire him.

His lips were perfect, his nose was adorable. The way his stubble grew in and darkened his jaw was amazing. His bone structure, his eye colour, the way his hair just fell flawlessly into place with 0 effort. She sighed as she looked at him.

“I love you,” she whispered, biting back a smile as she waited for his response.

“I love you,” he giggled as he looked right back at her. It almost felt more intimate than sex, just staring into each other's eyes in a dimly lit bedroom, in the middle of the night.

She ran her hands up into his hair, combing her fingers through it. He tilted his head back every time, closing his eyes and enjoying the feeling. She was about to smile when she got a sharp shooting pain in her hips.

“Oh, my, god,” she breathed out. “Ouch?” She scrunched her face with the pain as the sharpness dulled into the bone, just feeling uncomfortable as she tensed up in his lap. She didn’t even realize she was tugging on his hair in response to the pain.

“What?” Spencer asked, concerned as all hell.

“I think that was Braxton hicks? It was like everything down there just lit up in pain,” she explained with a horrified look on her face.

He ran his hands softly over her hips, soothing the skin in an attempt to help. “Are they bad?”

“It just feels like a pinched nerve at first and then a dull ache, it’s not the worst. I don’t enjoy it that's for sure,” she laughed a little louder. “God, I hope he’s kind to me on the way out.”

“I was doing research into the best drugs and techniques for birth for mothers that don’t want any drugs either because they’re sober or they don’t want to be removed from the moment,” Spencer explained softly. “There are a lot of options if you want to look into them with me this week?”

“Of course you did,” she smiled at him once again, feeling a bit better. “We also have to pack the baby’s go-bag.”

Spencer laughed at the way she phrased it. “Isn’t it just a hospital bag and a diaper bag?”

“No, it’s a mission to have a baby. It’s a go-bag.”

They kept giggling with each other over the dumbest things, staring at smiling as they laughed. Spencer’s hands roamed her back while she poked his face. Happily just talking in each other's space about the most random shit.

It was what she loved the most about him, that they could equally ramble about what they found interesting and the other felt just as excited about learning something new. They had mutual respect for each other's interests and feelings that ran deeper than most, truly loving every word that left their partner's mouth.

By the time they settled against the pillows and attempted to sleep it was half 1 in the morning. They turned all the lights out and still just stared at each other.

She booped his nose softly with her own, watching him scrunch his face as a result before giggling again.

“Do you have any idea what the case tomorrow will be?” She was only asking because she wanted more time with him, needing to find every topic to bring up so that the night never ended.

“Mindy’s pitching something to us tomorrow again,” he whispered. “You’ll be good at this one.”

“Oh I’m excited now okay, goodnight,” she closed her eyes and pretended to snore, making him snuggle in and wrap her arms around him, pulling her in close the way they liked it.

“I love you, bunny,” he said one last time for the night.

She sighed as she settled into him, “I love you more Spence.”

[bookofmightylies]

Another Life

I can’t promise this story will go far, although I hope that it does. I’m working on a new Dantana fic and so far I have the prologue and part of chapter one written! This story is going to be full of angst like my usual stories are lol

Prologue

“3 months.” Dani sighed laying her head on Santana’s lap, wincing in pain while trying to get comfortable. Her legs were dangling off the side of Santana’s bed but that wasn’t the worst of her discomfort right now.

“3 months.” Santana sighed sympathetically, running her fingers through her girlfriend’s hair. She was sitting up right in her bed, back against the headboard. “3 more months baby and you’ll be 18.. and out. You’ll never have to worry about any of this ever again.”

Santana was trying her hardest to hold in her sniffles and tears because she knew how Dani got when Santana cried about her situation. Dani would internalize it, blame herself and then Dani would end up comforting Santana when it should be the other way around. The last three months before Dani turned 18 couldn’t come fast enough. Two years of watching her girlfriend be bounced around between foster homes and group homes was the hardest thing she had ever had to go through. It was a selfish thought because Dani was the one actually going through it while she lived with parents who loved her in the same bed and house she slept in since she was born. It wasn’t easy just having to stand back and watch as her girlfriend came to school with new bruises and stories each day. No matter how much Maribel called CPS, it either resulted in absolutely nothing or Dani being moved to a new home where she suffered the same as she always did.

———————

Santana, now 23 was standing against the counter at the Spot Light Diner. She was working the graveyard shift and counting down the hours until her shift was over. It had been raining all night and since the diner had been mostly empty all night she caught herself staring out the window more often then not, watching people running from wherever they came from to wherever they were going. Santana hated working overnights, the diner being empty for the majority of her shift meant that her mind had to much time to wander and being left alone with her own thoughts was never a good thing. Sometimes she had her shift partner to keep her company which helped, but a new girl was working tonight and they had barley spoke. Santana speculated that Rachel had talked to her first and this new girl was scared of her or something which Santana didn’t mind. She kept up that image for a reason, getting close to people rarely led to anything good.

“Pull yourself together.” Santana whispered to herself, shaking her head as if that would help her thoughts disappear.

It had been 5 years to the day since that conversation with Dani. She had no idea that that was one of the the last conversations that they would ever have. It was a typical day, the two had hung out after school like they normally did. Santana dropped Dani off at her foster parents house at 8:30 that night with plans to meet at their lockers the next morning like usual. Dani didn’t show up though that morning, or at all that day. She didn’t show up the day after that, or the week after, she wasn’t there for glee practice, Nationals, prom or graduation.

Dani had fallen off the face of the earth and five years later Santana’s memories still haunted her. She often laid awake wondering what she could have done differently, what she could have done to rescue the girl she loved from the hell she was born into. She hoped that in 3 months Dani would make it to her 23rd birthday if she was even… “no don’t go there.” Santana pursed her lips, sniffling back tears that were threatening to fall.

The what if’s killed her. Santana hoped the girl.. now woman.. was alive and doing well. It was hard to think that she might not be though and either way Santana had no idea and would probably never know.