#thats more fear of the interaction
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I think the reason I'm so uncomfortable in conversation with cis men is because in my life the image I've grown up with is that from the American movies and while there's so much to be said about how women in those are basically objects or exclusively love interests or just Really Really forgettable I feel like there's also something to be mentioned about how most of these men are all the same pseudo-tough-guy character that's cool and suave and sexy and the only emotion he's capable of is nonchalant banter (it feels worth mentioning that the American movies I'm referring to are all from the last century I have no idea if that's changed in these last years but a gut feeling tells me no) and I also barely talk to the guys from my grade so the result of kind of growing up with that is that I just genuinely can not imagine real cis men with a complex inner emotional landscape. Maybe this is also an empathy thing but I genuinely can not imagine most cishet guys doing normal people things in their free time that aren't gaming or going to the gym or...idk. making music too I suppose. It's quite comical really but I just can not imagine cishet men with interests or doing stuff like having crushes and it's so strange because I know for a fact I am generally speaking not a sexist person but this little tidbit of apparently just not being able to view cishet men as normal people? Can't get that to go away even if I logically know it's silly. There's a point in this post about how toxic masculinity is a huge issue and affects even those not affected by it and runs really really deep or whatever but I'm too tired to coherently put it together. On the positive side now I get really happy when I see men online talk about how much they love their wives and all that because it's like "wow! Crazy you really are just a normal dude and not some James Bond knock-off like I thought every cishet man was supposed to be! Thank god!"
#i also think thats why I like poets so much#i mean sure there's poets that were complicated as people but what other kind of person would actually express emotions like that#you can really get me with men that are just genuienly chill and nice dudes because something in me does not believe they actually exist#and that scares me a little i have to confess that scares me a little#men scare me a little and that's so sad#women too but in a different way#that's just because I'm shy and awkward#thats more fear of the interaction#but with cis men it's just genuine fear of the human being#well more of an intense discomfort but still#i can talk to them but it's always awkward and stilted and I'm stuttering and tripping over words and all that#there's genuienly one man I can have an actual conversation with. one. well besides my father but thats different#it's also that underlying fear of being judged#I can handle being judged by a woman just fine we're on equal footing there we're good#but with men? nope. I just stay quiet before I can say anything dumb#i do wonder sometimes where that came from but I guess it's really just the stuff I grew up with#i mean I was basically raised by movies and audio dramas#and almost all of them were. older. on the older side. but not Old. that stuff came later#surprisingly though there's a whole string of musical comedies from the 30s where the main guys main thing is just thag he's really down bad#for this woman who almost never is also really down bad for him#never really heard talk of being a lovesick teenager who really wanted to go out with that one girl but was always too shy to ask from a man#in an old film. but also not really in real life i won't lie there.#anyways back to topic can we as a society please allow men to be cringefail and sappy in a genuine way instead of pretending to be cool#we need to bring back the romantic era where everyone actually made a big deal out of stuff like friendship and feelings#boy i should sleep
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another iconic moment in quincamo history has been captured everyone!!!!!!
#THE FUCKIMG SHAKING SOUND EFFECT#THE WAY YAKUMO IMMEDIATELY APOLOGIZES EVEN THO QUINCY WAS ABOUT TO PUNCH HIM SQUARE IN THE FACE#DID HE APOLOGIZE OUT OF FEAR??? MAYBE. PROBABLY#HE GETS SO DISAPPOINTED WHEN QUINCY SAYS HE WASNT SCARED TOO AWWWW#HE WAS TRYING SO HARD AND QUINCYS COMPLETELY UNPHASED#SO HE STARTS CRYING EVEN MORE#BUT QUINCY IMMEDIATELY GOES TO COMFORT HIM AND TELL HIM ITS NOT HIS FAULT#WAAAA THATS EXACTLY HOW I THOUGHT THIS INTERACTION WOULD GO#AND QUINCY CLEARLY FEELS AWKWARD AND OUT OF HIS ELEMENT WITH YAKUMO CRYING BUT#HE DID TRY TO COMFORT HIM RIGHT AWAY!!!! THAT MEANS SOMETHING#nu carnival#yakumo ♡#quincy ♡#eiden#quincamo#nu carnival spoilers
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steel wool has the hugest opportunity in the world for a sb 2 like. vanny cassie plotline of her having been manipulated by mimic to be its new minion by framing Gregory during the elevator scene to cut off her one support system. gregory vanessa and freddy protags fleshing them out with dialogue as characters but also their motivations and what theyve been doing for years. have their long absence in games period but also in universe from helping the glamrocks/setting up mxes be explained by showcasing their fear and trauma by them just wanting to get away and they thought they were safe but they werent. have cassie be the reason they have to jump back into the fray and realize no matter what they do theyll have to kill mimic for good to be truly free even if they're afraid. plot of the game is Gregory trying to convince cassie he didnt do it and that shes being tricked and it takes all campaign to get through to her, probably after an intense dramatic climax. have Roxy be there by Cassies side to show how Freddy abandoning them at the Plex affected her and the 2 sides of the same coin the 2 of them have going on regarding sentience and their relationship with the characters they were designed to be with Freddy who got to be free and roxy who didnt. the actual vanny comes back as a big betrayal towards mimic after killing glitchtrap in hw2, either to become an antihero or to try and take over as mastermind. superstar duo reunite and names cleared. throughout the campaign Gregory finds out about ggy and its revealed in a room with documents about patient 46 and tapes where a final tape is found and Gregory speaks in it or is addressed by name. he grapples with it and not remembering it. btw setting is a modern day fallfest which is like amusement park size instead of small festival. boom peak game
#this is isnane wishful thinking but i think some of these could happen hopefully#like vanny cassie seems like such a clear direction for the story and the framed plotline with Gregory works with it so well#plus roxy being there and interacting with freddy could be a natural way to explain why 3 star fam didnt help them#and give more insight to their characters and motivations and their fear#i just feel like. if they portray 3 star as being afraid in and out and their absense isnt just an absence and#they could actually explain it and also enhance their characters at the same time#itd work so well#they were absent from the story and games for so long bc they tried their hardest to be#they were afraid and wanted to just be free and live normally and not face the mimic#so they just trapped it in a room with help from mxes#(the hw2 candy cadet story about not buying the family meal)#and then the mimic came back because they DIDNT kill it out of fear (everyone dying when they didnt by the meal)#and thats their arc is that their arc gives all the insight we could need about how sb affected them#and vanny and vanessas abuse and gregory and freddy and their family and how close they are but how afraid they are too#and that this game would be when theyre forced to confront the mimic after putting it off bc of fear#which is literslly the story the hw2 candy cadet stories tell basically#with cassie being the 'casualty'#but cassie gregorys bff being hurt and caught in the middle is what forces them to finally face their fear l#and kill the mimic#like. this makes so much sense. its such a clear direction and lines up with everyrhing#gives a genuine explanation for why cassies dad was so involved. its bc 3 star wasnt on purpose#has the foundation to flesh out everything we could possibly want to see about them#PLEASE ZTEEL WOOLLLL. PLEASE IM BEGGING. JUST SOMETHING SIMIALR TO THIS EVEN A LITTLE BUT#some things like roxy and freddy and ggy and the fallfest stuff might be wishful rhinking but like#the entire thing with 3 star and cassie and mimic is just so vivid and clear to me. it could so easily be the direction#but im so prepared for them to do something completely different and be lowkey disappointed#thoughts#theory#pre security breach 2#<-courtesy of dawko bc hes calling the idea of this game sb2. ill change it one day
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"We can get through this by working together, reach out to your friends, community is all we have, a social network will be your security in the world, now is the time to lean on others!"
I do agree, and it's scientifically sound (pretty sure there is data about how people with better social networks live longer and etc) but also....augh..... what about the severe social issues, difficulty to leave the house, physical issues which lead to like zero socialization energy a majority of the time, etc. etc. Social support can be a replacement for structural support, but.. I guess I just wish it didn't have to be. Community is extremely difficult to build, even moreso if you're someone who has issues with social cues or group conversations or even just being around others in the first place. And blah, nuance, of course I'm just complaining or maybe being too negative or maybe misunderstanding, but, I hardly have the energy to brush my hair once every 2 months.. how am I supposed to maintain a wide social network and be active in a Community and Join Groups lol... sometimes it kind of feels like "er.. well if thats my only option then...... ruh roh". It's overwhelming
#Kind of like some post I saw a long time ago talking about how even the meanest shittiest most difficult to get along with#elderly people or whaever still deserve to have some sort of systems in place to support them so they're not just relying on the#grace of relatives or etc. who may not be able to deal with them. Not saying that I'm like mean and cruel or anything#but the fact of the matter is in most social situations either I am compromising or the other person is. Not in like an ~`ouuu im so weirdd#nobody willever understand my quirky swagg hee heee~' way but like a.. Just factually the things that make me happy and comfortable#are often incompatible with people. The way I communicate and process things is different from the way other people do and that#is always a barrier. I cannot have ''easy''' interactions. Even with 'understanding' people there is nearly always a significant#amount of effort. You can't walk into a group of people and then be like ''okay you guys all have to wear#masks and you also cant play music too loud and also we should communicate turns of speaking very clearly so group conversations#arent too stressful. and also i need this and that and we have to do this and that and '' etc. etc. You CAN. And some people will#go along with that. but they will ALWAYS secretly resent you for it. You will be the one person they're relieved to not have to be around.#theyre glad when you dont show up since they can go back to doing things however they want and not masking and all these boring#annoying things. OR you can say none of that and just deal with the loud music and the talking and the unmasked people. but then#YOU'RE compromising. and no matter how nice they are it's exhausting to be around and youre just further alienated#while in the presence of people and uncofmrtoabel the whole time.#Which I'm not saying the only form of community is a group setting specificially but just giving that as an example lol#I just wish there were a better option than ''well learn to socialize normally or just suffer then'' . Which I know is not what people are#saying. I guess I just always feel a bit scared when 'community is the answer'. Since its not like 'oh im just socially anxious and need to#get out of my shell~!' or something thats really that remedy-able. It's like.. my mostly unchangeable physical health issues combined#with the mostly unchangable literal way that my brain processes sensory informationand other things means that interacting with#others in a normal and easy way is incredibly difficult and often exhausting especially to maintain in any longform fashion. So then#when it's like ''the answer to staying safe is to maintain longform social connections!! :3 just reach out!!'' then.. ermm... O_O#also I'm not even one of the cutesy shy emotional hermits that's nervous. I'm the Bad Stereotype emotionless robotic cold seeming#looms in the corner of the room type of thing so people have less pity on you in that way. -_- ANYWAY gghj#I need like.. a designated social representative or something.. When I did work in that bookshop forever ago they gave me a#person who basically was just with me to help communicate with others on my behalf and supervise me and stuff. I need that.. Some#more extraverted person I can latch onto and they can maintain the Social Support Network for me and I can just be their +1 to all#of the Social Things and community. I have helpful skills I can contribute to other people and stuff it's just like.. I cant socialize lol#I cook food or something for you.. then you keep me in contact with Community.. a deal. (but then what about when I'm too sick to#contribute? as is often the case. there's not much place for people like me in communities sometimes i fear.. sigh.) ***
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as much as i love both amber and quinn and think it would be kinda neat for them to get along. i fear i am also entirely too kirschcest-pilled to think that any interaction between them would not just straight up go like this. w amber as pam and quinn as the main chick 😭
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like genuinely tho i think quinn is the type to get jealous and feel ‘threatened’ by any girl richie would bring home anyhow but. i think she’d be the WORST of the worst w that when it comes to amber bc if u think abt it. they’re both (relatively in relation to richie) younger chicks. both into stab. both female manipulators but that’s kinda neither here nor there. so quinn would prolly essentially see it as richie dating… her but a little to the left. her but if she cared significantly less abt richie and was not blood related to him. and she WOULD take ts personally! 😭
#meanwhile i dont think amber would particularly love quinn. but thats just bc amber is The Way She Is. she is not a warm person by nature#hell. she barely likes richie and shes dating the man.#like i dont think itd be a Personal specific to quinn issue just a general Amber Not Being Too Fond Of Well. Anyone. unless theyre useful#kinda thing#quinn would absolutely despise her from the outset on a biblical level tho#and then again thats sorta personal sorta not#more so just a projection of ‘well why does SHE get to date richie what does amber have that I DONT???’#like well babygirl! aside from the macher house…different parents i fear! 😭#i also think she’d take issue w how amber treats him bc well. weve all seen them interact she dogwalked tf outta him 😭#vs quinn probably being super affectionate all over him moving like a koala 24/7 type beat#ceci speaks#scream#scream franchise#kirschcest#richiequinn#amber x richie#quinn bailey#richie kirsch#amber freeman#kirsch siblings
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kny x tokyo ghoul au
was thinking abt following tokyo ghoul's storyline and making nezuko get organ donor ghoul-ified like kaneki but on second thought that seems a bit boring. the slayer marks (tanjiro's specifically- that one frame in the red light district arc where he looks like hes absolutely lost it) made me think of the sort of insanity thing with centipede kaneki when he started eating ghouls. (nezuko's bout of literally losing control of herself beating daki is probably a bit closer tho) dont know what to do with that. tanjiro being human and having to keep nezuko safe with her new life as a half-ghoul is pretty cool but i dont know. could make it different
#sakonji as coffee shop owner and sabito & giyuu as workers and the fox squad being the underground Good Ghouls makes me kick my feet#goth/alt vibe makomo as the mask maker MWAH and sabito & giyuu playing as regular college kids. giyuu 'eating' out with friends and#sabito drive-by eating his food before booking it (Sabito-! you bastard!) and later when theyre alone giyuu holding his hair back#(you should stop eating my food all the time..) ((im fine- as long as it makes it easier on you))#tanjiro working as a server & nezuko more as#.#i forgot hanae-san also voiced Kaneki#what the fuck is it with him and voicing the main characters of anime about the morality of cannibalism#its not much but its weird that its happened twice#i completely fucking forgot abt that and here i am literally putting tanjiro in his place#as i was saying nezuko has a 'job' there but shes not actually employed or forced to work she just hangs around in uniform like her brother#while tanjiro's the one thats employed. shes the cute mascot of the place and sabito gets hype with her and it entertains ppl#sabito nezuko interactions beloved<3 she makes him go big brother mode#giyuu's behind the counter helping sakonji make coffee so he doesnt have to interact with people (as much)#something something also half-ghoul genya being an antagonist at first until tanjiro & nezuko's bond makes him change his mind#and he becomes the newest employee at the coffee shop. que him and sabito bickering at eachother like children and tanjiro being so#sweetfaced and genuinely kind to him & giyuu being a chill comforting presence he can go to#confides in them his fear about his brother and the guilt he feels for being around them bc it puts them in danger#mm#sweet au. great playing field to ruin absolutely everyone#i should rewatch/read tokyo ghoul its been almost a year i think#do that then decide how i want the au to play out if i want it to try to follow that storyline or if i should do some worldbuilding fuckery#of my own instead to completely change how nezuko & genya's half-ghoulness would happen#i remember i dropped tokyo ghoulre but i dont remember why. didnt bother after that Hide scene in the anime but i dont remember y the manga#i was listening to Seijatachi for writing vibes and stared a bit too long at the album image i put#kny#tokyo ghoul#kamado tanjiro#kamado nezuko#kny x tokyo ghoul au
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#rant cw#bpd thoughts#nothing is more embarrassing than when you want me friends with one of your moots friend and they just never interact#despite having and liking the same things#yes nobody is required to friends with you but#do i just have bad vibes??? thats what bothers me the most#worst fear is being perceived as bad person/annoying by people i like
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General oc talkkkk
I feel like i have to Do something with al once i take him off the shelf again (when my brain lets go of talon for another few months), ive been motivated to draw talon because he sits in my brain and i imagine interactions but it's much harder with al since al has been around for 10 years or more...and Al has like. Less conflict? In the sense of him just being a nice kind guy with regular human issues in a normal human world (or cow with regular individual issues in a normal furry world lol) ykwim?
Like. Talon is exaggerated he's a caricature of feelings to play with he's got lots of internal contradictions... and outside of that the whole Setting is easy to play with too, like, he's a vampire and those elements are more fun to think about and incorporate and build up in a way that requires a bit more brainpower of the fun variety (can make shit up) than Just a Regular Guy (has to be nore realistic, less fun to research), but less brainpower than, say, my abandoned Space Ocs where it was way harder for me to just make shit up, and way more to make shit up about (not as fun for me)
Idk! Its easy to imagine Talon in interactions, including ones with Al, or just self exploring dialogue....
Other than cute interactions between al and smunker its a lot harder to find stuff with him...he's a guy living in our regular world... his life has been fairly normal and he's good and nice. And i wouldnt change any of those things just to change em but there's less conflict other than the usual internal stuff all humans experience. I think if he wasnt my imaginary bf I would have shelved him more permanently like the oc group he came with...
There's something about how i very rarely make ocs, he's technically my oldest oc and talon is my newest oc, talon is what i Feel making ocs should feel like. And he's only over a year old. And he's still not even what I would call a well written character in any capacity. And yet i dont think i could very easily replicate this again ykwim. Im so bad at writing, and ..... creating....! Idk how people do any of it....i just wanna extend my ocs lives and my interest in them forever...
#talkys#long post#thinking also about how my friend said maybe id fare better if i didnt wait for my ocs to sort of fester in my brain to write them#bc thats how i do it...ive only been getting talon ideas because i talk to him all day in different scenarios i havent been able to exhaust#bc he's brand new#al's like. set in stone theres not much to draw because i just replay scenarios now. stagnated#i fear talon will get to a point like that too#like my brain will Fix Him and Therapize him and it wont be able to go back to the conflict he had Before that#so i wont play with him anymore...ykwim?#but i dont KNOW how to just make a character without having them show themself around in my brain#i barely even know how to make one in the way i do it now#bc i dont make ocs...bc i dont understand how to do Good Concept‚ Conflict‚ AND flesh em out#cause i got concepts for my space ocs. not complete ones but they have blurbs#ive never been able to get them to interact with me or each other in my brain though so idk anything about them#nor have i cared enough to draw them more#nor would i be able to think of scenarios#ykwim...?#its weird#ugh. maybe i am meant to just be a commission artist‚ im no good at any other niche#i got the worst Roll....#wish i had a brain...okay well im going to sleep neow goodnite
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people acting like there isn't still very much an active stigma against cannibas and cannibas users is going to be my joker origin story
when i go to the doctor they still put cannibas use under the tab "substance abuse". not even just substance use. it is fully assumed that people who use cannabis, even as a prescription medication, are abusing it. just because you're friends with a couple of dumbass stoners doesn't mean that we've abandoned the idea as a culture that weed is a bad and scary and dangerous and highly addictive drug that will ruin your life if you use it once
#idk what its like in other countries but in the us and especially in red states fear mongering about weed is alive and well#'it ruins lives' -direct quote from a library board member making it so we can be fired for testing positive even w a prescription#i just take umbrage with posts about addiction that go out of their way to mention weed which we all learned in 6th grade is addictive#but dont also mention that this true of all prescription drugs and that a person can be dependant on a drug for health reasons???#yeah i get anxious and cant go a day without weed. because i use it to treat my anxiety and pain. i also get anxious without my wellbutrin#but people arent lining up to make posts about it?? and like you CAN obviously become addicted to prescription drugs its super common!#so i kind of feel like it would be far more useful to say 'this is true of ALL drugs. including weed caffeine and prescriptions'#you should always research ANY drug you take. prescription or not. find out about addictiveness + side effects + other drug interactions#and you should talk to someone if you feel anxious about your relationship to drugs. prescription or not#there have been many times where i was prescribed way too many drugs at once and it made me feel anxious and uncomfortable#so i talked to my doctors and consolidated several and it actually made them work a lot better#locked reblogs because i KNOW people are going to read this is 'so you should never ever talk about negative consequences of weed'#and im pretty sure the people who follow me will be able to understand thats obviously not what im saying#but as soon as it leaves my blog whos to say. but anyway like. I think we should talk more about addiction to all substances#and not just the ones that were already covered in DARE#I feel like at this point everybody has heard all of the negative possibilities with weed use at least once#and that's not necessarily true of caffeine and even like. benadryl lmfao#I might delete this in 10 minutes if I psych myself out akbdjznsjf
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I was on the wikipedia page for phobias just for fun but just discovered theres an actual word for a fear of being touched.. 🥹
#haphephobia.... and they list guts from berserk under pop culture references 😢😢😭😭 thats my guy....#not gonna lie i teared up a bit i didnt realise it 'counted' as an actual phobia#i find it really difficult to talk abt but i have a complicated relationship w touch/physical contact (likely trauma babeyy)#and while i do crave it a lot i also have a very physical reflexive fear response especially if its intentional + i dont expect it#which can sometimes even get triggered just being in proximity to ppl bc like. even the possibility sets me on fucking edge#it would be nice to be as physically affectionate as i naturally want to be without dealing w my fight/flight/freeze but alas#its weird bc there are some random situations where it doesnt get triggered at all but its so unpredictable every time#and varies wildly person to person for seemingly no reason. there r strangers im innately more comfortable with but also friends ive known#for years and will never be comfortable around. i think part of that depends on how strongly the other person communicates and whether-#i feel as if theyre demonstrably able to respect boundaries not just mine but their own too + understand theyre not always fixed#ideally i need to have had this conversation with them so i Know they understand. which is rly difficult i find it so hard to admit#and i have a complicated mental block where i need the other person to naturally bring it up which very very rarely ever happens#idk just an atmosphere of safety yknow. i think its intentional touch that specifically makes me panic bc im usually fine w like-#bustling crowds or even expected social rules like handshakes at interviews. bc its not like they're Trying To Touch Me its just rote idk#hopefully eventually ill reach a place where im able to unpack it and reduce its severity bc man sometimes its fucking heartbreaking to me#bc i do genuinely really like physical contact im an incredibly physical person its my main way of interacting w the world#and the way having to force myself to avoid it meshes w my rsd too augh.... its a clusterfuck#even just having one person im completely comfortable with. maaaaan.#almost makes me miss my ex. at least i was mostly cool around them#god its sucked lately ive been having weird vivid dreams related to it. but whatever its so far down my list of problems to prioritize#and at least i dont get it w my familys dog so i can cuddle her :^) i miss her i cant wait to see her next month :D#anywayyyy thats enough im so tired goodnight every1...#.diaries
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when i knocked on my conductor’s office door this afternoon she yelled ‘COME IN’ but it was locked so i imagine her reaction upon opening the door was probably something like ‘who left this upset and trembling chihuahua on my doorstep? oh, it’s just em.’
#conductor reading my thank you email before i told her what happened: oh she’s adorable!#conductor looking at me after the spring concert party: oh she’s traumatized!#like. at what point should i just accept that i probably have PTSD from what happened at my last group.#it’s been four years and it still affects my personal and professional relationships#to such a point where i’m just [gestures with disgust at self]#ugh i suck. but i will not hear a single bad word against my conductor. i owe her so much#it’s just. last year i didn’t feel anything bc i was too busy learning how to coexist in an orchestra again#and also i had a layer of stands to hide behind#i had very little one on one interaction with her#now it’s like i talk to her all the time#i’m sitting right in front of her. looking her right in the face#i’m feeding off her energy trying to translate her gestures into music#and all the fear comes screaming back even though i Know. objectively. i am safe#there’s so much disconnect bc i feel frustrated bc i think my fear is preventing me from being the best i can be#there are so many places in the rep this year where the seconds are very prominently featured#and every rehearsal she says we can come out more#so everyone is just following the lead of this scared little creature who still has#part of their mind stuck at sixteen crying in a corner at the vienna konzerthaus#we can come out more. dolce. dolcissimo. I KNOW. GIRL I KNOW. I KNOW I CAN READ THE FUCKING PART#ITS JJST ME THATS THE PROBLEM#but other than that she seems. so happy with me. she’s always telling me to keep up the good work#like sure it’s good work but it doesn’t feel like my Best work#and i want to give her my Best work because#fuck it she helped give me back my smile#just like how my violin teacher helped give me back my smile#so of COURSE i want to give them my Best! it’s the least i can do!#anyways. what a fucking day#em jumped up busker#music is about love#<- for journaling
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don't get me wrong, i'm all for cute stories about pregnancy and having children together, but as someone who is like super terrified of pregnancy and wouldn't consider themself as someone who'd make a good parent, i'd loooove to read more fics about... that? either it's an unwanted pregnancy and they're terrified, or the couple talks about having kids and maybe the partner is open to the idea but understands and respects their s/o's fears and wishes. idk.
#i just keep reading about ppl getting married and having kids and i feel a bit left out??#like its sweet and happy but its not something i'd want for myself#at least not at the moment#so it would be nice to read more about characters that feel the same way#i just never interacted much with children so i have no idea how to act around them and panic#and i don't think i would have the patience and energy to care for one#maybe some time in the future this will change#but even then i think i'd rather adopt than become pregnant myself#because pregnancy terrifies me so badly#its just not something i can imagine being pleasant no matter how many people tell me it was the most wonderful experience ever#probably a very unpopular opinion#but yeah anyway#would be nice to read more about characters talking about pregnancy and its risks and becoming parents and just#not being ready#not now and maybe not ever#and that thats totally okay#like this is a bit of a fear i have#if i ever have a partner who wants kids#like id be super scared of crushing that dream for them?#so it would be reassuring to read more about acceptance of that i suppose#idk im tired and just wanted to vent a little
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DID is quite the disorder
#certified blood post#i want to interact!! i want to talk to people#but i cannot even feel secure typing in a way thats comfortable. i dont want to look 'weird'#perhaps that is more social anxiety than DID but my point still stands#vent post#<- not quite? but could be close enough to need that classification#there is also the fear that with all of the introjects from the show we will be deemed fake#i believe we make 5 and 6? if we are to be counted separately as rust and scarlet#rather than as one blood moon#actually i think i have an idea. this may take a moment!#for clarification: this idea is not a careless one! no need to worry
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potential reasons Marina still has her admirer as of her b ending
-Sam just didn’t die, somehow
insert details as to how their dynamic might work here, i’m less interested in speculating about the “real” samarie
-Sulfur style needles family esque bullshit resurrection
no way in hell thats turning out wholesome lol
-theres just another one. like just another person who looks similar and is following M
this other one is also a stalker
Marina decided to get a replacement babygirl
-its another more literal doppelgänger
this doppleganger is also a stalker
Marina just decided to let this long!samarie follow her around.
#fear and hunger termina spoilers#HAVENT EVEN BEATEN THE GAME YET HAD TO LOOK UP THE TEXT OF THE ENDING TO MAKE SURE I WASNT OVERLOOKING ANY SPECIFIC LANGUAGE#anyways sorry but i don’t see marina and sam together ever. sam knew her for like 16 years and they never meaningfully interacted that shit#aint starcrossed thats just projection shfngngkkgjnn#but an identical clone of Samarie? who shows up after Sam’s already gone moontoasted?#the idea of marina accepting this failgirl of a failgirl into her llife is too fucking funny#like theres legit something to the changelingest soul just going ‘hey you’re wierd and probably not human but way more sociable than#the other girl! i WON’T shoo you away with a broom!’#but also. like. lmao.
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The evil slow creep of it being like "haha these will just be quick little side quests, not much effort at all!" and then noticing each one is getting progressively longer than the last, thus no longer being minimal effort.. auGh....
#The jump of 76 for the first one to 275 for the most recent ghghjb#what can I say.. I am.. The Elaborator.. The Detail Giver..#number six will HAVE to be shorter....!!!!!! !!!!#I fear it's going to look this way but opposite with some of the main character quests. The first character I ever worked on. like their#first quest I added wayy to much information and detail and side options and etc.#Once I got done with all their stuff I was like.... if they're all like this I will NEVER finish.. So then I tried to be very short about#it all. EVERY single interaction cannot have 10 branching dialogue and 5 different endings and blah blah blah.. as much as I wish it could.#Hiring a butler to stand over me all day shouting ''NARROW the scope!!!! REDUCE the options!!! CUT the dialogue!!!'' whilst I sob#and hit backspace on everything once every five minutes#But that means probably the first character I worked on will be very obvious because their quests might have a different#feel than the others and be longer.. I just CAN'T make ALL of them that long. but maybe I could choose one..#Like out of the four characters that will have full quests for them upon release.. maybe I can add another one thats long so at least#TWO of them have weirdly long quests and the one first character doesnt seem so singled out lol#I hear this happens in real life professional games as well (like people complaining that X character doesnt have as much#content in an RPG as some other one does. etc.) so.. perhaps my fears about everyting not being exactlyliterally equal#are not even that worrisome or something that's a major factor. Still lol#It's not really that concerning to me anyways from a 'how will people react to it' perspective (very niche game. hardly anyone#will play it i'd assume. its not like thousands of people shall desscend upon me to criticize even if something was weird like that.#it'd be like. out of the 25 people who ever play it. maybe one of them is like 'yeah it was kinda weird that thosequests were so much#longer than the others. but idk' and that's the extent lol). My concern is more like.. Writing time..#the more I add. the longer it takes for me to finish. So if I keep ednlessly making things forever longer and longer. then it becomes The#Forever Project. which it kind of already is. considering I started it in 2018 and then forgot about it for the most part of 5 years and am#only resuming it now LOL.. I cannot bear to add MORE forever onto that which already is quite Forever-ish#If I wrote everything the ideal way I wish it were then I would either need a full team of writers. or I would finish the game in 2085#so.. alas.. cut cut snip snip..#ANYWAY lol
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the thing about karaoke iko is that yeah okay satomi very clearly had a very scary and confusing gay awakening about that. but for the love of god. kyouji is twenty years older than him.
#satomis dealing with the frustration of both desiring and fearing adulthood/maturity and the changes that come with it.#bodily‚ mentally‚ responsibility wise‚ etc. and hes very clearly attached to kyouji in a way that frustrates him bc hes like the#personification of his weird feelings abt it all. kyouji interacts with him like hes an expert to be relied on while also treating him like#a child. and kyouji is a very gruzzled adult who also acts pretty damn childish at times. and it makes satomi lose his mind with anger.#it gets weirder and more nebulous the older satomi is - see: famires iko - but thats my interpretation of it all.#is there kind of eyebrow-raising tension there? yeah kinda. its a weird relationship and satomi with his thinly veiled crush is narrating.#but that doesnt mean theres anything . well :/
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