#thats me w my suicidal ideation

[oldmanpusspuss]

it would be really funny if The Universe was trying repeatedly to tell paul that he likes men but he's always too busy to worry about that rn

[sophiethewitch1]

Girl are you okay ?

I mean like, laughing emoji laughing emoji laughing emoji. Literally born this way don't worry about it I'm just kind of sick of it. I am in like severe therapy btw they are trying to fix me but are so far failing which is kinda sad for my mum :/

[mechawolfie]

literally nobody was picking up my meds bc they all just assumed someone else would do it and you know having a bit of a Why Am I Alive moment

[lycanship]

maslows hierarchy of farmer needs: listening to l.g. fuad with Shane

[alifeuncolored]

:(

[desire-mona]

heard we were making house ocs and ive had a dingus floating around in my head since january so i FINALLY got around to actually making a proper ref sheet. i present my silliest

Dr. Nanette "Ninny" Amesbury :3

more under cut !

big warning lore n backstory n stuff is very bare bones and not all the way there cuz im #lazy

birthday is vague but lets go with ~35 circa s2

if i had a nickel for every oc i had who had absent parents and was raised catholic by their grandparents, id have two nickels. unintentional that it happened twice i sorta forgor the other one's lore for a bit and now its stuck so ummmmm sorry laney. wont be going into childhood bc i havent come up w that yet and honestly i dont care to!!! yada yada yada catholic guilt but not in the chase way bc she hasnt left the church n likely never will

ummmm relationship chart + template

lets just quick go over some relationship highlights cuz some are def more important than others

wilson: mr president a 4th ex wife has hit the james wilson. when were they married? ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm 😁

but they were married for like. 3 years? YES it ended bc he cheated but nin also wasn't the best either her ass was literally never ever there she was ALWAYS at work (like more than normal doctor amounts of at work - only came home to sleep and even that was only 4x a week(also worked at a different hospital))

tw suicide for next part bee tee dub

a big part of the beginning of their relationship was (big surprise) wilson's attraction to what he THOUGHT was neediness but was literally just nin wanting (and trying) to kill herself lol. once the magic of all that went away (perceived independence thats rly just #bottling shit up) he was just kinda like oh :/ its not cool to have a mentally ill wife anymore :/ i was expecting ramona flowers :/ or whatever. so infidelity impact font, hijinks and moving away for [amount] years ensue before nin being hired at ppth as the head of pediatrics. brief fwb situation w wilson Again b4 she finds out shes a lesbian at the end of like. s2.

oh yeah she also tries to kill herself again once she figures it out (see catholic guilt mention) but its cool she lives

cuddy: GAAAAAYYYYY GAAAAYYYYYYY GAY!!!!! DR AMESBURY WANTS TO FUCK THIS WOMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! its one sided tho boooooo cuddys briefly like Wait ? just b4 nin moves away at the end of s6 roughly but shes already. thats done its not happening.

kutner: dont even fucking talk to me. i dont wanna talk about it. im gonna talk about it.

so kutner (like the slut that he is lowkey but society isnt ready for that) asks nin out just after he gets hired and shes like ermmmmmmmmmm! but sensing his loser aura she (still deeply closeted) is like hey haha i dont swing that way sorry !!!!!!! but its ok they become super mega best friends and get nerdy together

i like to think they listen to weird al together OH YEAH NINS THE BIGGEST WEIRD AL YANKOVIC FAN IN NEW JERSEY

and then nothing bad happens!

if youve seen this post about the little writing things kutner got after he croaked then hooray here's nanettes

they make me so fucking upset.

anyway as i stated above nin moves away after s6 for a bunch of reasons. 1) thanks obama 2) a big part of what contributed to her suicidal ideations n such was the fact that deep down she didnt ACTUALLY know what she wanted to do w her life. u may be like she doesnt. want to be a doctor ? NO she doesnt thats just what she did to get money to eventually do what she wants. whatever that is. something something feeling lost in life and unable to reach a goal when u dont even know what the goal is something something. also persistent depressive disorder but like spoon in kitchen.

idk what shes gonna end up doing after she moves but id imagine she shows up for house's funeral so i cant just be like lol nobody gets to know! im thinking painter but idk IDK guys her lore is ROUGH

thats it if u have questions ill answer thanks

[daphnix]

a vent that is also a big oversharing (tw for suicidal ideation and ed). prob a bit of a pity party too but i have v intense feelings n thats just how i feel the world, at least currently

for anyone that follows me n noticed, ik its been a while. or that i havent been as active as i used to be. at first it was just boredom, then i started working, n now im having less than ideal thoughts regarding my existence on this planet. i changed medications a few months back and at first lithium was shit, but slowly it stabilized me (im still on antidepressants, i just dont take antipsychotics anymore). howeverr i found that any little thing triggers my desperate feeling of undying loneliness. in parts bc i suck at communicating and pull myself away from everyone i love, specially my friends, and in parts bc the men i love w all my heart (that “once in a lifetime” type of love) either dont love me back or cant be w me due to their current lives. and it saddens me a lot. i dont want anyone else. if you ever had someone jokingly or not say “im gonna ruin you for everyone but me”, yea thats what happened. i moved into a new city that i have absolutely nothing to do w, currently dont have friends bc i have the hardest time meeting people (honestly i dont like these people either way) and getting in touch with my childhood friends its ridiculously hard for me (who fyi are the most beautiful people in this earth and the bestest friends anyone could dream of). and theres the dropout thing, the absense of my baby (my cat, the light of my life), the hard times getting back in track (ed mention).. i feel so on edge. and i know my motives are weak and i have it good compared to so many people who are suffering much worse things than me, but i just feel.. lonely, utterly unlovable, wrong, broken, tired, unworthy. in all honesty all that keeps me here are my parents, bc im terrified of hurting them beyond repair. anyways, i just needed to put this out somewhere. i hope no one read this, but if you did, im wishing you a beautiful day. please be kind on yourself

[angelicalbones]

was discussing my new job and everything w my dad yesterday, got onto the topic of setting up budgets and all of the necesary adulthood things and he mentioned trying to show me this stuff at like 18/19 and i was not into it and i fuly agree w him I was fucking 19 years old i was not in a headspace ready to comprehend how ot budget a home or a life

but I also had to bite my tongue on how deeply suicidal I was and thats one of th emain reasons I struggled so hard to impliment any of the information he gave me. I was not planning on making it much longer and couldnt comprehend planning for more than a few weeks in advance.

its been nearly 10 years, im still extremely mentally ill, but also medicated, and while the ideations still live in my mind and im still deeply disordered about my body I actually started discussing my like 5 year plan. what college im going to go to. where im going to move. trips im going to take

and they were all "going tos" and not "maybe"s its so fucking weird to be saying shit about the future in a definitive way for like the first time in nmy fucking life.

[xxmindmurder]

xxGOREFOURGORESLAVE

PAINPUPPYBLOODKITTYxx

HIII IM FOUR I GO BY HE/THEY/IT AND EVERY VIOLENT OR BLOODY WORD IN THE DICTIONARY!

I POST ART IM USUALLY TOO SCARED OF POSTING ON My MAIN !!! MOST OF THIS GETS POSTED ON TWITTR FIRST

THIS BLOG IS EXCLUSIVELY FOR GORE, VENT AND/OR SUGGESTIVE ART. ALL TAGGED IN CASE YOUD RATHER SEE ONE THING OVER THE OTHER. OFTEN CONTAINS EYESTRAIN AND THEMES OF SELFHARM AND SUICIDE.

I USUALLY TAG LIKE THIS "tw "+(thing) USUALLY TAG SUICIDE AS sui AND SELFHARM AS sh AND TAG THEM AS IMPLIED OR IDEATION

MAY DRAW "SATANIC" SYMBOLS LIKE THE INVERTED CROSS ESPECIALLY AND TAG AS "tw anti religious imagery" BC IDK HOW 2 TAG THAT. ALSO MAY TALK IN ALL CAPS.

COMMON TWs:

tw suggestive, tw sui implied, tw sui ideation, tw sh implied, tw sh ideation, tw blood (just blood like bloody tears or cuts or w/e), tw gore (flat out dismembered, disemboweled, etc), tw cannibalism, tw body horror, tw death, tw religious themes, tw anti religious themes

rarely tag vent bc thats kinda the point

OTHER TAGS:

art, eyestrain, bright colors, tw caps

FEEL FREE TO INTERACT AND MAKE ART REQUESTS OR TELL ME HOW U WANNA HURT ME <3

IF I POST SOMETHING TOO WEIRD CONTAKT ME!

THIS BLOG SHOULD NOT HAVE THESE SO IF I POST ANYTHING OF THIS NATURE PLZ TELL ME BC CHANCES ARE IM JUST HAVING A VEEEERY BAD BRAIN MOMENT:

EXPLICIT SEXUAL CONTENT, PROBLEMATIC CONTENT??, REAL-LIFE SELF HARM PICS

[octogonalis]

i was honest w my former therapist , told her abt my suic*de attempt, my sh addiction and she was like "yeah thats sad.... ... so my mother is dying and blablabla" and told me when i talked bt suicide ideation that it was "completly normal"

like bitch u r supposed to help me, not me help u

Truth

[astro-nautics]

theres a deadline for 12 am tonight and i have no energy. theres a deadline and i am sad and stressed and i have no energy. theres a deadline (number 5) (already did 4 last week) (they were big projects) and i have no energy

[mechawolfie]

ouhhh

see i was like well maybe i should wait till im on t since once thats out of the way mabe itll be easier to deal w this other shit but idk man what if my nightmares happen for real n mother decides she cant play nice anymore what if its the t that sets her off. and ofc no one will defend me not until damage has already been done at least so im like. whatever the outcome if i stay here for too long i know the suicidal ideation will only get Stronger and i cant fucking have that. so then i think i just need to save up money to get tf out of here n we can worry abt everything else after. but see we are Starving Constantly n so they keep Needing My Money and im just sitting here watching it deplete bc. well i Could be Acquiring More but see the depression the dysphoria the whatever-the-fuck-else. and well i was feeling 'good' today but here i am again re-triggered skin itching just wanting to Hurt Hurt Hurt and just all i can thinjk abt is 'why am i alive why am i here im never getting out of here i need to get out of here to survive im so tired of just surviving this needs to end'

[seraphimsinful]

Why is it like half the time im like :) life is very cool and epic and then the other half im like i shouldve been put down when they had the chance like...ok you fucking clown

[saw-me-in-boxers]

Y’all people really need to understand that their words have weight and that they’re not above offending people because of one thing that marginalizes them I am sick and tired of it and I just want to not hate my life or be reminded of why I haven’t fully function in years !!!

[r3v3ri3s]

Mmm

[inevitably-johnlocked]

Hey do you have any fics where john sits in sherlocks lap? Like in any way, shaoe or firm thats just my fave trope. Love your content btw.

Hey Lovely!!

Ahhh, because of you, I started a list, so not everything nor a lot is here, sadly! I never had the foresight to consider it as something people would want, so I’ve never tagged fics, LOL. Here’s what I got that have some sort of Lap Sitting in the fic! 

Feel free, Lovelies, to add your own recs!!

LAP SITTING

The Healing Touch by inevitably_johnlocked (G, 2,307 w., 1 Ch. || Caretaking,  Domestic Fluff, Stroppy Sherlock, John Loves Sherlock, Love Confessions, Sofa Cuddles, Insecure Sherlock) – Sherlock's broken his foot and he's becoming unbearably stroppy. Good thing John has the healer's touch... ;) Part 3 of I-J's Tumblr Ficlet Collection

Where You Are by Mazarin221b (E, 2,478 w., 1 Ch. || Beach Sex, First Time, Fluff, Smut, Holidays, Pining, Lap Sitting, Stroppy Sherlock, Touching) – He can admit he’s secretly a little glad Sherlock didn’t come with him. He needs a break. Sherlock is a handful at the best of times, and the near-constant apologizing, fixing, dealing-with, and following up on is exhausting. The near-constant unrequited attraction is a bit exhausting, too, to be honest, and John could really use a tiny bit of rest from the relentless hammering on his brain and heart.

Rumpled by WhimsicalEthnographies (E, 3,601 w., 1 Ch. || Est. Rel., Insecure Sherlock, Fluff, PWP, Proposal, Bottomlock) – Then, halfway through a documentary on river otters that neither of them was paying attention to--how could John, with a gangly, limp consulting detective practically purring in his lap?--Sherlock suddenly bolted upright, looked at John with a perplexed expression and a crinkle above his nose, and blurted, “Marry me.” Part 4 of Longitudinal Cohort

To be loved by Strange_johnlock (E, 12,436 w., 8 Ch. || Post S3, Established Relationship, First Person POV Sherlock, Pet Names, Soft Sherlock, Mild ADHD, Protective John, Captain Watson, Body Appreciation, Bottomlock, Rough Sex, Travelling for Holidays, Introspection, Sherlock Loves John So Much It Hurts) – John is so deeply integrated into the work, both as my conductor of light, and as a great shot with a vicious right hook who tackles men -and women- no matter their size all in my defense. He protects me with all he can without question, and this loyalty is surely more than I deserve. Or: Sherlock is counting his blessings.

Insanity in the Middle by DotyTakeThisDown (E, 28,010 w., 8 Ch. || Equestrian Sports AU || Alternate First Meeting, POV John, Pining John, Bottomlock, Clueless Sherlock, First Kiss/Time, Passionate Kisses, Hand Holding, Caught Making Out, Bed Sharing, Spooning, Blow Job) – John is a world-class eventing rider with a gold medal and several four-star wins to his credit, but he's never won at Rolex. Sherlock is an up-and-coming rider taking the sport by storm.

Deck the Halls by itsalwaysyou_jw (T, 31,018 w., 24 Ch. || Advent Fic / Multiple One-Shots, Assorted Tags) – One Johnlock ficlet for every day leading up to Christmas. Who is ready for pining, first kisses, established Johnlock, and everything in between? This collection of stand-alone ficlets will have it all.

Kintsukuroi by sussexbound (E, 91,823 w., 20 Ch. || S4 Compliant / Post-TLD, Grief / Mourning, PTSD, Internalized Homophobia, Therapy, Past Abuse, Alcohol Abuse, Nightmares, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Depression, Anxiety, Bed Sharing, Love Confessions, Cuddling, Suicidal Ideation, Masturbation, Minor Character Death, Sexting, Frottage, Inexperienced Sherlock, Rimming / Anal / BJ’s, Emotional Turmoil, Finding Each Other) – “I love you.” Sherlock sees the words hit John with almost physical force. He reels back a little, jaw twitching and eyes filling. “I love you,” he repeats, a little softer, a little more gentle, as earnest as he possibly can. Because they’ve been teetering on the brink of this thing for years, and it had become painfully obvious over the last few months that they were at a tipping point. This had to happen. Now it has. Now they can see where they end up. The tears in John’s eyes spill over, and he wipes at them angrily. “Do you even know what that means?”