#the only times i wish for dissociation to deal w my problems it never does

[alifeuncolored]

:(

[mycptsdstory]

Here’s how toxic I was back in the day (and yes I’m admitting to all my mistakes);

I used to have a big go at people and bully them when I thought they were prettier than me.

I used to cause arguments because I couldn’t have a go at my family so I had a go at strangers on the Internet. Or I used to have a big go at people who I knew.

I used to stalk people on social media and wishing my life was theirs.

When I was a kid, I used to start fights, didn’t care if I got beaten up either. I had a lot of anger problems that I didn’t know how to deal with.

I was supper attached with my abusers and speaking of them highly (especially my mother). I also didn’t realise at the time I had Trauma Bonding. (Will do a post in detail about that in the future.)

I used to drink alcohol to hide the pain. Never realising it was causing more harm than good.

I used to cause arguments with people who wronged me in the past. Didn’t think ar the time that strong feeling I had was an emotional flashback, not realising that happened long ago.

I used to gossip and bitch about people a lot, thinking that was healthy. It’s NEVER okay in anyway shape of form to do that.

I used to judge people so easily but never thinking I copied that from my mother. It’s NEVER okay to judge someone, just because you follow their lifestyle, doesn’t mean you can judge them.

I used to bully my own friends, thinking that was okay to do, since my own mother did that with her friends. It’s NEVER okay to do that.

I used put my own insecurities onto my friends and other people. Again, that’s NEVER okay to do.

I used to say “get over it” or “why can’t you be happy for once” or “can’t you just stop being depressed” or “can’t you just ‘snap it out of it’” to people who are depressed, have anxiety or have social anxiety and so on. I thought this was normal since my mother said it all the time to me and never realising I copied it from her. Again, this is NEVER okay to do.

I thought I knew everything and I used to give people really bad advice. Never realising I copied it from my mother.

I thought it was weird that some people didn’t drink alcohol. So I used to persuade my own friends to drink more. This is NEVER okay to do.

Even tho when I was living with my mother, I had two lives. Like one life where I was dating girls, having one stands with girls and going out drinking behind my families back. The other life I used to judge my own friends for being apart of LGBTQIA+ community. This is NEVER okay to do.

I used to think it was weird and strange that people are asexual and they need therapy to be into sex. I was basically judging their lives. Again, this is NEVER okay to do.

I used to judge people for marrying twice and thought they were sluts. I never realised my mother taught me this and I was copying her traits. Again, NEVER okay to do.

I thought it was okay for guys to use me and they could have sex with me, whenever they feel like (I had a lot of dissociation with sex in general).

I thought it was normal that guys would beat me up daily (I had a lot of Trauma Bonding issues).

I used to bully my own friends and other people for their disabilities, even hidden disabilities. Again, NEVER okay to do.

People used to have to walk like there’s eggshells around me. Making sure they don’t offend me. (Btw, that’s super toxic).

I used to judge people on their happiness, like people watching ASMR or something that makes them happy. Just because I don’t do what they do, doesn’t mean it’s okay to judge people’s lives. This is NEVER okay to do.

I used to judge people who go out drinking every weekend or month. This is NEVER okay to do.

I used to judge women for being pornstars or selling their bodies on the Internet; via webcam girls, models who do nudes and lingerie. I thought it was “not natural” and wrong because the bible says it’s wrong. This is NEVER okay to do. Hence why I follow Wicca now.

I used to judge other people’s religions and beliefs because the bible says it’s wrong. This is NEVER EVER okay to do. Hence why I don’t follow Christianity anymore, I follow Wicca.

I used to be super racist and thought white is the superior race. Any other race is dumb, any culture is rude and anyone who isn’t white should be poor and white people should be rich. This is NEVER EVER okay to do.

I used to think that being a transgender was wrong and they weren’t “real people”, like they had no rights and it’s wrong to change the gender because it’s against the bible. For example; you are born as a male so you should stay as a male and you are born as a female, you should stay as a female. Being transgender is “not natural and goes against God who created you”. This is NEVER EVER okay to think like that. Hence why I follow Wicca.

I used to think that women got asked for rape because women should bow down to men at all times. (I’m still shocked I used to think like this). This is NEVER EVER okay to think like that.

I used to think tattoos was the devils work and you should never get a tattoo because you’re “damaging your skin that god created for you”. This is so WRONG to think like that. Hence why I’m following Wicca and not Christianity.

I used to think that women should cover up and if you show cleavage that you’re a slut and asking to get raped. This is NEVER okay to think like that.

I thought spreading rumours about someone was okay. Even if my mother started it, I thought it was normal. This is NEVER okay to do.

I used to think it was weird and wrong that girls would have one boyfriend throughout their life. So WRONG.

I used to think that people should have lost their virginity till they were at least 13-16. This is soooo WRONG on so many levels.

I used to think it was weird and wrong if you’re still a virgin by 50+. This is WRONG.

I used to think it was wrong that a woman had children not be married. So WRONG.

I used to think the man should stay around all the time and have him around for his sakes and the children’s sake. Even tho he’s abusing the wife. This is NEVER OKAY.

I used to think divorce is wrong, even tho they are getting abused and raped daily. Completely WRONG to think that.

I used to think that people can get over death easily. That death isn’t that big of a deal. Even if they got murdered or they have committed suicide and it’s “not a big deal”. This is NEVER okay to think like this.

Suicide is wrong and they will go to hell and be tortured for the rest of time. Suicide is selfish and it’s wrong. Satan will punish the person and they should “get over” their suicidal thoughts. THIS IS NEVER EVER OKAY TO THINK LIKE THAT.

I used to think miscarriages are “not a big deal”. This is NEVER EVER okay to think like that.

I used to think doing drugs and drinking alcohol to avoid pain was normal. So toxic btw.

My family does incest and marry their cousins, fuck their uncles/aunties that’s okay to do. I thought this was normal. THIS IS NEVER EVER EVER OKAY.

I thought it was normal that my family picked my friends and the people who I date and marry. This is illegal and SO WRONG!

I thought it was weird and wrong for people who didn’t to marry outside of the families circle. Like I thought it was okay to marry my cousins or family friends. This is soooo WRONG on so many levels.

I used to think any kind of therapy was bad and they should “get over it”. This is NEVER okay to do.

I used to be such a people pleaser and everyone should like me and should be friends with me. (This is soooo toxic.)

I used force friendship on people (this also super duper toxic).

I used to think that women should marry and have kids later. So WRONG!

I used to think women should never be single parent. SO WRONG!

I used to think it was wrong that women didn’t want children and not get married. This is WRONG btw.

I thought it was wrong that people didn’t get married in a church. So WRONG!

All LBGTQIA+ shouldn’t get married, they are not human beings and they go against the bible. This is so stupid and so WRONG!

I used to think men who dress up as drag queens are “not natural” and it goes against the bible and they should be thrown in jail and hell. So this is NEVER okay to think like that.

I used to think that people who didn’t swear are weird and “unnatural”. This is so toxic.

I used to judge peoples kinks and fetishes. This is soooo toxic.

I used to think guys raping me was okay and I was “asking for it” or they were “entitled” to have sex with me. Aka rape me was okay. This is NEVER EVER okay to think like that.

I used to shit stir with my friends and cause arguments within friendship groups. This is soooooo toxic.

I used to think only women are victims to domestic abuse and men should “man up”. THIS IS SO WRONG!

I used to think that everyone should marry, have children and live how the bible says. Soooo WRONG!

I used to think adults watching cartoons (not anime) is babyish and wrong. This is so toxic btw.

I used to think men should only game and not women. So wrong.

I used to think some jobs should be a mans only job and the women should stay in the kitchen. Super toxic btw.

I used to think that everyone should go to church and if they don’t, they will go to hell. This is so stupid btw.

I used to think that single dads are going to be bad dads and the children should go to the woman. Also that woman should be married to a different man so they can’t be single and grow up a child/children on their own. This is soooo toxic.

I used to think women shouldn’t have their own business and women should stay in the kitchen. This is super toxic.

It’s a mans job to be in the military and women can’t because they are women. Women can’t shoot because they are women. Again, so toxic and so WRONG!

I used to think that you can’t have children and work at the same time. So toxic btw.

I used to think children are dumb and they don’t understand when you call them names. Btw they do understand and they are not dumb in anyway shape or form.

I used to think that a still borns death is normal and they should never grieve. The woman should blame herself for the still birth. This is so WRONG ON SO MANY LEVELS!

I think that’s everything. Sorry it’s a huge list, I just had to write it down because I know I was toxic before. So writing down all my mistakes, honestly makes me feel better, like I’m admiting my wrongs and I’m trying not to be a toxic person. Trying not to be like my mother.

[trainwreck-in-glitter]

WHAT EUPHORIA GETS RIGHT ABOUT MENTAL ILLNESS:

the high fucking highs: EG (“when I feel good I think it’ll last forever, but it doesn’t” at the Halloween party when rues attempted to kiss jules who rejects her again) I can’t relate to rues manic episode, since I don’t have bipolar but her jittery display of chain-smoking, obsessive thoughts, sleep deprivation, numbing the pain with coffee and taking more steps than she needs to captured the obsessive side of OCD very well, as well as the: COUNTING. I’ve had to repeat numbers in my head over and over and watching rue just start hysterically crying as a child during trying to complete that compulsion fucken’ sent me because I’d never seen an accurate nuanced way of this shown on television. I loved that her OCD wasn’t reduced to cleaning obsessively (EX’ Emma from Glee) even though many people struggle with OCD compulsions of that kind it’s a bit of an overused trope almost like a laughing track in sitcoms, and usually doesn’t serve the characters development in any purpose having their OCD solely exist for neurotypical characters to make sarcastic jokes about.

the l-o-w fucking lows: EX’ rue being glued to her bed for two days unable to engage with anyone or even get up to fucking piss resulting in a painful difficult to watch ¿UTI¿ scene. At a time I experienced severe intrusive thoughts I neglected taking care of myself so much that my hair formed dreadlocks and took hours to brush knots all out.

pushing everyone away: EX’ (I mean just look at the first gif, as well as how rue loses it at Lexi when she tries to check in on her.) while people struggling with any kind of mental illness have a tendency to isolate (espesh in cases of severe depression/mood disorders) however it’s not always aggressive sometimes it’s quiet silence in your room for a week and a half feeling completely immobilised (like with Jules during rues own depressive, she unknowningky sinks into one herself to the extent where her dad is concerned).

feeling like a burden: whether it’s because of your mental illness, low self image or like rue your addiction issues impacting those around you, rue confesses this to Lexi who in true Howard fashion holds her and tries to affirm that she’s nothing like that. Often feeling like your own problems are too heavy for anyone to bear or understand adds to the hopelessness and potentially it could be one of the biggest roadblocks to anyone’s recovery particularly Rue’s

being heavily affected by external factors, more so than normal: like social aspects of your life EX’ (Rue’s codependency on Jules, and Jules’ search for affirmation in sexual relationships, Rue’s nerves upon returning to school particularly hit me (I had a three week hospitalisation and received treatment that kept me off school frequently, and the responses from peers was right on). when noticed again Maddy tells Rue herself she thought she was dead and another friend in her car shouts for rue to “get in Casper!”. Things like school, relationships, daily tasks and functioning can feel a million time harder when you’re battling your own head, the way Euphoria demonstrates this is so raw and realistic it really hit home for me. This becomes even more heightened when people are dealing with trauma/grief ex’ (rue still carrying the grief of her dad and wearing his hoodie frequently and maddy going on a bender taking molly at the carnival forgetting to eat for two days after nate assaults her resulting in her having to be rushed into emergency where they find the marks).

addiction and the feeling of needing to escape your own head: rue will take around about any drug just to temporarily forget her own anxieties, she’s willing to lie (in drug tests by using her sober friends pee), and fight tooth and nail even if it’s against the people she loves/cares about eg: her family, fezco, etc). her addictive personality is made apparent by her obsessive behaviours, codependency with Jules, hyperfixations (watching 22 hours of love island straight) and then again in her drug use. zendaya does an amazing job at selling this all, the way her face slowly sinks from the depths of depression into what looks like she’s gotten a relieving breath of air conveys what exactly she’s getting out of this. with any addiction whether it’s substance abuse, sex addiction, eating disorders, skin picking disorders, etc there’s a need to escape but there’s also a sense of safety/reprieve from what’s making you need that escape. for Rue who is heavily characterised by her own self-blame eg: being scared of people she loves being mad at her like in that scene with Jules, the way she cried when she saw her mother and sister sleeping beside her in hospital when she woke up from her overdose, and in one of earliest narrations where she states “if I could be a different person I would, not because I want it but because they want it” and even asks Jules after she admits to being in love with her if she wishes she was different and Jules responded in the negative. she seems to want to dissociate herself because she feels the weight of her as a whole is too much for anyone and will only be disappointing. it’s sordidly relatable for anyone with low self esteem and as a rue stan the candidness can make the scenes hard to watch.

to recover or sink: rue says herself in narration that after rehab she had no intention of staying clean and for the first few episodes or so she was using to the point where she almost had an overdose in front of very traumatised Jules who then sets an ultimatum that in order for them to maintain their “friendship” rue needs to stop using and rue agrees almost immediately. the look of guilt and shame on her face as she cuddles into Jules who is still shocked and upset saying to rue “I’ve had enough traumatic shit in my life, I’m not trying to be best friends with someone who’s trying to kill themselves”. rue remains sober but clings to Jules almost in replacement, most of rues innocent crush was well innocent and very high school realistic in the way that everything feels heightened. and for a while rue is at her happiest, her best friend since childhood even saying to Jules “it’s because of you” which fairly overwhelms her because being somebody’s sole reason for recovery isn’t long term manageable OR healthy for either party. expanding on this the blame Jules gets for Rue’s relapse is a way we’re perpetuating that their codependent dynamic wasn’t detrimental to either of them, which is wrong. Jules felt immense pressure which in turn tainted her relationship with Rue, and Rue was readily giving more to a relationship where the other person wasn’t ready to reciprocate. Jules and Rue ultimately have a beautiful dynamic together and I’d love to see more of them in season 2 but I’d like it to be in some time when they’ve both explored and identified what they’re both wanting. Because I refusE to settle for anything less than #Kethan after the finale. anywho this all meant Rues hinted relapse in the finale had an inevitable quality to it, because she wasn’t changing because she wanted it but because they did. I feel that one line perfectly captures exactly what would have led to that relapse, from personal experience I tried to actively recover from an eating disorder to please my family but quickly relapsed because ultimately challenging thoughts that have been in your head for so long JUST FOR other people stops being rewarding too quickly because as much as they may want to be an active support system they don’t have the access to rewire your brain. I challenged my meal plan but not the thoughts telling me I was disgusting. Rue still felt like a burden, she never challenged that only the drug use. it would be amazing to see Rue in therapy or even just actively attempting self care and explaining how and why that might feel so hard to someone struggling. I think Euphoria this season has set up a perfect segway for the second season, and so far they have managed to portray the complexities of being a teenager with a mental illness in glitter while keeping it relatable and not being exploitative. I think after seeing Rues chronic struggle it would be really cool to see a character representing what recovery actually looks like when it comes from the right place, having that positive representation of trying to be proactive while struggling and still having questions would be a new arc for Rue and it would really show her growth however after the city incident only time will tell 😪

[tobitatsuu]

𝖈𝖆𝖑𝖑 𝖎𝖙 𝖜𝖍𝖆𝖙 𝖞𝖔𝖚 𝖜𝖆𝖓𝖙 ; ★ drabble

and the record won’t stop skipping  and the lies just won’t stop slipping  and besides, my reputation’s on the line.

★ —             the clock on the wall ticks; a metronome, pacing the droning seconds he’s been staring at the envelope on his dark-wood coffee table. the parchment — a more coarse, natural texture  — has a black, scorched corner and a constellation of brown coffee drips. it’s closed with a wax seal, a bronze stamp, an embossed B. all of these minuscule details undoubtedly point to bailey.  — the en-gin-eer couldn’t use his fancy tech-nol-ogy to send a damn text? daiki wonders, checking his cellphone again. it’s out-dated, but does seem to be the safest way for him to get in touch with those he’s not supposed to. ex-communicated doesn’t mean dead. the living can’t be ghosts. akura needs to get a clue or two.

daiki doesn’t want to open the letter. whether in fear or the fact he’s grown tired of his father’s bullshit, daiki can’t get himself to tear into the envelope. but, he doesn’t want to just ignore it. what’s the biker to do when he’s at such a loss? 

“ bonjour, baby brother ! ” yusa doesn’t knock before entering the goldenrod city apartment. daiki jumps, eyes wide as he watches the door swing open, and his sister strut inside. her movement always looks scripted, yet poise. she conducts these movements and mannerisms like there are hidden, glass lenses ready to capture her at any, unsuspected time. yusa kanemoto  —  pop music sensation, model phenomenon, entertainer of the world — plays the part of herself so well, she makes you wonder how much of it is all an act. the twins haven’t seen each other since she bailed on him in castelia city, over a year ago, and daiki can still see right through her. 

daiki has his father’s eyes, his temper, and a grudge to settle. yusa carries a spotlight everywhere she goes, a purple sheen to her eyes, reminiscent of their mother, who always has her cheek turned the other way. double helix, genes, and a color story  — a face so similar, yet so distant. they’re the same, but opposed. their lives diverged when they were barely teenagers, and have never been as different as they are now. perhaps, the letter on his coffee table will bring them back together. 

yusa waves away the smoke and smell from daiki’s cigarette, just lit. cigarette butts threaten to overflow the ashtray on the table, and ash seems to be everywhere but inside of it. there’s a mirror and a rolled dollar bill, a collection of coffee mugs. some are half-empty with black brew from last night’s caffeine binge. he couldn’t sleep with the intruding thoughts of bailey. “ jeez, you could’ve cleaned up a bit . ” at least she understands the faint stench of motor oil. 

daiki rolls his eyes. “ my bad, princess . ” he watches his sister’s eyes scale the living room, and how her lips purse and curl with judgement. it’s to be expected, but that doesn’t ease the bite of it.  “ what happened to your tv ? ” yusa frowns at the hole and spiderweb cracks in the screen, at money wasted.  “ it’s fucked . ” “ i can see that . ”

daiki takes a drag of his cigarette. “ nice to see you again, yusa. i’m sure ev-ery-thing is just dapper on the home front. tell me, sister, how’s mother ? ”

a scoff cradles in yusa’s throat at her brother’s attitude and acquired faux eloquence. she lacks an answer. yusa places her hands on her hips. “ what’s the go? you never call me. ” she makes her way to the kitchen. her heels click against the hardwood floors. he hears her scoff again, this time, it’s at the coffee-stained mugs and dirty plates filling the kitchen sink. “ my agent said you sounded . . . urgent . ” then, he hears the fridge open. there’s a pause before she calls out, disappointed. “ jeez, daiki! when was the last time you got a couple groceries? you got anything besides shit beer and old pizza ? ”

“ i’ve been busy , ” daiki replies, sucking on his cigarette. he flicks ash onto the floor. “ water’s on tap . ” arceus, he can just hear the disgust contorting her face. the people of johto don’t indulge in material things like that fancy hoenn-imported water yusa shoots commercials for.

he picks up the conversation where they left off. “ the go is that i got a letter . ”

“ so, someone hasn’t gotten the memo on texting, and the postal service is doing their job. is that why you called me ? ” yusa returns with a glass of water. she keeps inspecting it, trying to find a flaw. “ don’t waste my time, daiki . ” yusa’s always on a tight schedule. she keeps eyeing the screen of her xtransceiver. 

daiki inhales. “ it’s from bailey . ” yusa lifts her gaze, pink brows shooting up passed her bangs. “ bailey ? ” her tone says she doesn’t believe him. maybe, she doesn’t want to.  “ w-what does this mean ? ” daiki’s eyes beg for his sister’s help, like old times. why couldn’t they stay kids forever? if only aging was the reason they split so far apart. 

“ it means we should leave it alone, daiki. not our problem. need i remind you? technically, he doesn’t have a single drop of kanemoto blood . ” yusa has to remind him of most things: where he left his bike keys and how they’re the same age. born only eight minutes prior, but so used to playing the role of big sister, getting him out of the same trouble she got him into, picking him up, and cleaning up his messes. red and white messes  — blood and drugs and big, red R’s and wanted posters. and it’s those eight minutes she takes seriously. yusa sips from her glass, coughs, and gags. “ this tastes like metal . ”

daiki fidgets on the couch cushion, holding his cigarette near his lips, but not smoking it. “ w-what if he’s in trouble? he prac-tic-ally raised us, yusa . ”

yusa sighs, bends her neck back to groan at the stuco ceiling. “ look, daiki. sure, i miss him sometimes, but uncle bailey’s involvement with team rocket was his choice. just like it was your choice. if he didn’t want to impress daddy so badly, he’d still be in nimbasa, living it up off dad’s desert resort money, but he’s not. he got fried, and he always had a few screws loose. and now he’s  — arceus knows where . ” 

it’s a lie, the kind that makes her sound brainwashed. it’s so absurd. — that’s not what happ-ened on that trip to vir-i-di-an city. daiki huffs on the filter of his cigarette. his brows knit, lip threatening to curl. raw anger erupts inside of him and he can’t think straight enough to form the words to defend himself, to tear her a new one. akura used bailey as collateral. bailey was a promise to project team rocket’s plans further, to keep peace. what is yusa so bitter about? with a stupid amount of money and rides in black limousines to every gig, her face plastered all across the regions, who cares about the past? who cares, who cares, who cares. 

 “ a-and what about that burning? you don’t think that seems a little su-spic-ious? why would gi-o-vann-i want to de-stroy rocket’s own ma-chine ? ” 

yusa barks back, frantic and loud. when it comes to protecting their father, she always cracks. “ to trash the evidence? i don’t know, daiki! why would dad ? ” she throws her hands up. it’s no use arguing when it comes to her hard-headed twin. her talent for shutting him up is getting rusty. 

daiki averts his eyes, huffs. that’s not the case. rocket seemed pretty proud of themselves for what they accomplished in kanto. 

tension hangs above their heads, stagnant and thick. slouching into the cushion, daiki takes a long drag. he sighs out the smoke, and flicks the ashes in yusa’s direction. he knows akura had a hand in the disaster at the pokemon mansion, at the flames that engulfed his adopted brother, and left his skin forever charred. akura will pay  — an arm and a leg  — for what he’s done. not in the same sense that his brother had. how unfortunate. but, daiki doesn’t answer yusa’s question because he has no proof other than his intuition.  

“ jeez! why the hell are you trying to blame dad for everything? arceus, what is your deal, bolts-for-brains? it’s not his fault you can’t keep your nose out of shit . ” yusa gestures to the paraphernalia on the table. to the patch on his jumpsuit. to the red inked R. to him. he’s never been good enough for the rest of the kanemoto family. he’s always been the big, bad wolf, a threat. he’s a heart attack, a car crash. daiki: such a disaster, no one can look away from. 

yusa’s still yelling, “ literally. is that what this is about? are you on some sort of bender right now? daiki, do you need help ? ” she stalks closer to the couch with each accusation. daiki presses himself into the polyester, wishing he could sink right into it and disappear. she sounds how beer salt tastes, and the venom in his sister’s words zaps the corners of his jaw. 

she really doesn’t get it. daiki wonders, what’s the point in forcing herself to be so blind? daiki flicks his dead cigarette across the room. 

yusa’s leaning over him now, pointing her manicured finger right between daiki’s brows. anxiety and dissociation muffle her ever-rising volume. “ what? do you want money, daiki? i’ll play you whatever the hell you want if you’ll stop putting the blame on everyone else but yourself . ”

the biker folds his arms, glaring at his sister’s fingertip. he sneers with a bout of confidence, “ not even you have enough money to buy my o-be-di-ence, yusa . ”

yusa jerks back, as if daiki spontaneously combusted before her eyes. and his jab at her wealth inflicts more damage to her ego than his blatant rebellion. “ that’s it , ” yusa’s voice drops so low, he barely hears her. “ you made me do this . ” she snatches the letter from the table, and gets to work punching buttons on her xtransceiver. 

daiki jumps from the couch. “ what the hell are you doing ? ” he attempts to swipe the envelope from her hand, but instead, smacks the glass of water onto the floor. it shatters on impact. and daiki figures, it’s symbolic, somehow. yusa bares her teeth, amethyst eyes boring holes into him. she erupts, “ what the hell is wrong with you, bolts-for-brains? going to attack your own sister? you’ve really lost it, haven’t you? i’m calling my agent! and i’m getting you a plane ticket to mistralton city ! ”

daiki stares at the shards of glass when he asks, “ what bus-i-ness do i have in unova ? ” “ you’re coming home, daiki . ” 

daiki’s mouth fills to his gums with objection. unfortunately, it isn’t up for debate right now. “ i’m sure there’s a rehab we can shove you into. whatever it takes to keep you under control.  i’m outta here . ” yusa still has the letter in her hand, and daiki winces when the paper wrinkles from the tightness of her grip. she doesn’t look him in the eyes when she speaks, but presses her finger into the breast pocket of his jumpsuit, letting him know who exactly is in control. “ i plan on seeing you in mistralton promptly. oh, and do me a favor, brother? at least try to stay out of trouble, daiki. i’m so over cleaning up after you. that’s what maids are for . ”

[newhologram]

2016 diary of a spoonie

Rereading my diary from 2016 for some perspective (not ready to open my 2015 one, I know it’s going to be even more difficult). Remembering some mental places I've been and that I made it through them and I’m still here.

Here are some parts I'm okay with sharing, hopefully it will help someone realize they are not alone and that as difficult as things get, there is so much more to life than being sick even if we have to deal with it often in isolation.

It’s also good to keep in mind that when we have illnesses that affect our brain/mood, it can drastically warp our perception of the world, our lives, and ourselves. That’s why I started trying to keep a diary, to record these moments when I’m not myself, when my illnesses make me think things that aren’t true, makes me have horrible tunnel vision, and then be able to look back on them when I’m not in that mental state and try to get an understanding of it.

(warning for suicide mentions in some excerpts because Mr. Brain can be kinda bananas sometimes, it’s pretty heavy and a lot of it is me scribbling when dissociating pretty badly so I say some weird things)

This is also probably a cautionary tale to NOT BE LIKE ME, I’m a bad spoonie. I can’t believe I forced myself to have such a full schedule, no wonder my body broke down by December.

1.5.16 8:49 PM: Everything in my life is so turbulent. Why? I feel like someone cut and pasted me here.

1.19.16 2:51 AM: I barely slept. Puked a little, dry heaved a lot, sweated so much. Cried my eyes out in the shower. 

I have to leave for work in 2 hours. I hope it's not a long day.

I don't know where this mood swing came from. I feel so weak. I was just crying and crying because I can't stand myself. I can't stand being me. I feel so alone and lost. I feel so stupid.

3:18 AM: Dry heaved again. I'm shivering and I feel horrible. Why does this happen to me? I thought I was done with this. I feel like I'm shriveling up. 

What's going to happen to me?

1.20.16 10:56 AM: Yesterday was rough. First depressive mood swing of this year. I suddenly felt like no one would ever love me. That I’m just an immature slob. A burden. A loser. Dirty. 

I don’t even have a best friend. I’m not close with anyone. I can’t organize my room or my life. I just sort of work, play games, and sleep. I’m so lonely. I’m stressed and overwhelmed. I don’t have anyone to talk to. I live in a fantasy world but really I’m just alone here in my room. 

I feel so pathetic. I feel so stupid. Who could ever love me? 

1.26.16 4:59 PM: Wow! Worked 7am-3:18pm. Didn’t see Miss Piggy. Again!

But since I got out so early I was able to run and errand, do yoga, aerobics, read, and stuff. 

Now is definitely meditation time but I’m worried I will fall asleep. Too tired to bathe/eat. 

Going to open my heart chakra! Yay!

1.31.16 5:57 PM: Holy stress. Still no word about the shoot. Aaand there was some asshole. 

Gotta let it go. They don’t dictate my day. I do. Only me. I am in charge. No one else.

2.3.16 10:48 PM: No spoons for laundry or putting clothes up. I desperately need to do that. My room is overflowing with clothes.

BAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(drawing of a newlamb)

たりないよ　(it’s not enough!)

2.5.16 10:54 PM: I feel so strange. Like I’m a thousand lifetimes apart from New. I don’t know who that person is. 

I guess it’s okay not to know. 

Right?

2.14.16 1:15 AM: よふかししてるの (I’m stayin’ up late)

Um... too much mental energy. Body is done and tired but my mind all よ～～～～～～～～～～！

Kinda woozy today. But I got FFX-2 running so I’ve been doing that. Maybe too much. 

2.21.16 10:30 PM: Oops, 4 days of not writing in here. 

I didn’t work Thursday. Friday I went to Hollywood w/ ______. We saw Frozen, she gave me my presents, we had tea and a chicken burger at Chado tea room and we goofed around doing touristy things. Had so much fun, I really missed her. 

I was so tired I fell asleep at 8pm. I woke up at 3am but I was having so much fun sleeping that I just went back to sleep until 8am. 

2.24.16 8:22 PM: I was having an okay day. I was doing okay. Right now I want to not exist. Two auditions tomorrow. What am I gonna do?

I wish I was never born. 

I don’t feel much. Now would be a good time to do it. But I don’t want to hurt my dad. 

Wish I had someone to talk to. 

I’m so done. So done. So alone. 

If I died a lot of people would be really sad but it wouldn’t change much. 

I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to be me. I hate who I am. I hate me. I’m too stupid to work retail. I can’t do math. I can’t edit, I was too stupid for editing school. My body can’t work or I get sick. 

I don’t know how I’ll be able to support myself. I can’t rely on my dream. It might not come true. I’ll be 30 in 4 years—will I still be living here, relying on my dad? I’m a joke. I’m not a real adult or person. 

My cats would be sad if I died. Would they understand? I don’t want to hurt them either but I don’t know how much longer I can hold on. 

I’m not okay right now but I have no one. I’m all alone. 

A few tears came out. 

That’s all I have. 

2.25.16 1:12 PM: I’m so sad right now. The pain is already bad. I don’t have money for more edibles. I had to cancel one audition because I was too sick. Too depressed. Too much anxiety. 

I went to Sprouts and very nearly had a freak out. I tried to meditate. I can’t focus on editing. I feel trapped. I feel like the walls are caving in. 

How am I gonna get out of this one? I’ve done it before. Time is crawling. 

Bad pain spreading. Bad thoughts. bad urges. I need distractions but the problem is that I’m too depressed to actually focus on anything fun. 

I can barely cry. It’s like a blockage. 

FUUUUUCK!!!

(lots of scribbles)

2.26.16 12:05 PM: Much better today. Body is tired but I’m not depressed. Nope! Had a shoyuu tamago. Mm! It’s still really early but I think it’s time for a meditation nap.

3.2.16 10:03 PM: It’s March wtf... okay.

3.11.16 1:46 PM: I soar. I am worthy. My dreams will come true. 

3.13.16 2:51 PM: It’s Nikki’s birthday. 

I feel like all I do is edit, play games, RP, watch cartoons... :( 

Even though I love that stuff, it doesn’t make me money. It makes me happy, so happy, but. Where am I going in my life?

I just feel so fragile I’m worried that if one day, my family snaps at me and says how they hate having to support me, that I won’t be able to take it. That I’ll run away, or worse. I’ve had some suicidal ideations lately. I feel like my family hates me. I know it’s silly but. Maybe at the very least they resent me. 

:( I wish I wasn’t like this. 

3.21.16  1:42 PM, Monday: It’s so hard not to feel like he [my dad] hates me. I keep having horrible dreams about fighting with him or other family like my sister. :(

Things will work out. Things will pay off. 

Lots of pain right now. I have so much to do always. Always trying, always in pain, never have money. 

Caught int he swirl. 

I am something and someone.

3.28.16 1:19 PM: If I get that job it’s going to be really difficult to balance with bg work but what choice do I have? I can’t afford my bills right now. 

(written out weekly schedule with a drawing of Bill crying and saying, “you can do it”)

I can do this. I can make it happen. 

4.4.16 8:37 AM: Bad morning anxiety again. I kept waking up with my heart pounding. Dry-heaved a bit at 7am. 

So much going on in my head. Wish I could stop it. 

4.29.16 8:45 PM: Ugh!! MOOD DOWN, CAN’T FOCUS!! SAD!!

5.29.16 12:25 PM: Wow. Really been in la la land. Mood crazy. My period came 11 days late and I am 900% sure I felt a cyst pop.

I haven’t been meditating... I really need to get back into it so I won’t fall apart. also I lost out on 3 bookings, ugh. :( It’s just a dry spell. It will get better. 

I just want to cry in bed. A lot. 

6.13.16  8:52 PM: Whoops. I have no memory of actually writing that last post. 

Still having a hard time with this summer depression... Trying to hang in there.

I had 2 insane customers stress me out the past 2 shifts. Shoots are still only about 1/week... 

I’ve been keeping busy despite my health though. Been editing and stuff a lot, though rest breaks get me down. 

BUT SO. I moved my room around. Don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.

(drawing of my room before and after)

So much nicer. I think I’ve been sleeping better. And now there’s not all this junk space under my bed or to the side. Love it!

Well so... Friday I had a bad audition. It sucked so hard. Had to cry, tried to prepare, couldn’t cry... fuck. 

Whatever. Life goes on. My confidence has sucked lately. 

Sigh (drawing of New in lamb hat with eyes full of tears)

There was a bad shooting. Worst in US history, at a gay club in Florida. 49 dead. The whole world is crying. I feel numb. 

6.14.16 11:45 PM: I love my dad more than anyone in the whole universe. He has done so much for me and other people. He deserves the best love. He deserves to be happy. 

I’m so sick of women hurting him like this. He tries so hard to make things work. 

I hope he’ll be okay. 

I just want him to know how special he is. 

6.28.16 1:11 PM: Colonoscopy and upper endoscopy in an hour. Period started. Depressed. 

Keep making mistakes at my part-time job. Worried. Stressed. 

Tuesday now, been eating nothing but jello since Saturday. 

Just feeling really down about my situation. My health, work, school, friends. Everything. 

I hate the snarling monster inside of me. I hate who it makes me. I hate myself for yelling at my dad yesterday. 

I just really don’t like myself.

What can I do?

7.1.16 1:20 PM: Shooting a chronic pain thing in my room right now. 

Camera in my face. 

Feeling tired but pretty good. 

7.24.16 10:38 PM: There’s so much to say but it’s late, gotta take my meds, and I got a shoot. 

I release pain. I release guilt. Namaste. 

8.11.16 2:22 PM: Why do things have to be so hard? I’m trying my best. I really am. But it’s not enough. Will it ever be enough? Will I ever live alone, be independent, be happy? 

I feel like my dad resents me. I know he loves me but I just have so much pain and guilt for existing. I know I am capable of so much more and that life has so much to offer me... it’s just so hard. 

9.3.16 8:17 PM: Hooey, it’s September. 3rd week with no bookings, taking an extra day at part-time job. 

Since I’ve had all these days off I have been dividing my time to get things done, rest, play games, better myself. Even just a little at a time is good. 

9.11.16 11:13 PM: Finally got work. Which means I worked 5 days. Yay. 

I’m still trying to improve my writing. My problem is I never really have a plan—or I get stuck at words, instead of just writing. 

9.12.16  10:49 PM: Oh, hell... My agent called today, I got booked on some shoot. But it’s for tomorrow, so. I can’t since now I work Tues as well. So last week I worked SUN, TUES, WED, THU, FRI... hooly shit. No wonder I feel awful. 

Of course when I tried to talk to ___ about it they made me cry. Fuck. Been depressed all fucking day. Fuck fuck fuck.

I’m okay. I have distractions. I have coping methods.... I have myself. Soon is paychecks. I’m okay. 

Tomorrow is... let’s see. 

7 AM wake, meditate, yoga 8 AM tea, tumblr 9 AM edit 10 AM read 11 AM rest 12 PM ?????

I can do it. 

9.23.16  12:27 PM, Friday: My body is struggling to keep up w this schedule. 

I worked Sun Mon Tues Wed, had yesterday off, now I have to be at a shoot in a few hours. I’ve had to seriously up my self-care game to be able to do this. Tomorrow is school and acupuncture. I’ll be wiped out. 

But... money! Also I’ve been meditating a lot with amethyst and rose quartz. 

(a row of crystals)

On Mon my shoot was so hard, I was having such a rough time but then I met two cool Japanese women. One is Michiko Nishiwaki, a famous stunt woman. She and the (other) Michiko seemed really impressed by me and want me to get on TV. Yay.

Okay, I feel woozy so it is time to read. 

10.11.16 12:12 pm: Last week was two kinds of intense. 

SUN-WED: bad depression. bad pain. bad bad bad.

TH: Doc, got dmv handicap parking placard, bloodwork, x-rays, narcotics.  FRI-SAT: pain so easy, feeling happy.

SUN: pain back after good massage

Now I’m feeling depressed again. 

I’m so scared for my future. I just can’t bear the thought of still being in this situation at age 30. 

I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. 

10.20.16 12:30 PM: I booked a short film. Happy about it but feeling depressed about my health again. 

It’s like a merry-go-round. 

(sad crying face) 

10.31.16  11:46 PM: (arrow pointing to previous entry) I don’t remember writing that. HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

Well. Tomorrow is November.

Yikes. Where was I last year around this time? Only doing bg, no vlogs to edit. No Overwatch. 

What did I do during down time? How did I keep sane?

This year has brought a lot of change, but ti’s easy to see it only as the same because my career is so slow going. 

Just keep swimming. 

11.25.16 4:15 AM: I start my hostessing job in 5 hours. New job. 3rd job. 

Idk. I’m so sad rn. Anxious. Woke up w racing heart. Pukey. I wanna cry. 

I didn’t do anything wrong. 

12.1.16 9:48 PM: I threw up a lot, just now recovering a week later.

Things: 

New job: shift got cut Tuesday 

Universe made up for it by having casting call me with work. Cult member. Very far but this should be interesting. 

Doc today gave me gave more tramadol + xanax ☆ Nice.

it’s December wtf

Made a Patreon

12.12.16 10:02 PM: Energy is focused. Going to set up 2017 to be a great year. 

12.16.16  3:07 PM: I intend to heal. I feel terrific. I love myself. I release guilt. The universe supports me. Today I expect that something wonderful is going to happen.

My Dharma is to guide, inspire, teach, and help. 

All is perfect. All is well.